Summary4 min read

Thoroughly ADHD – Episode Summary

Podcast: Thoroughly ADHD
Host: Alex Delmar Coaching
Episode: Masking, Manners, And Being Yourself
Date: October 21, 2025

Main Theme

This episode focuses on the challenges and nuances of “masking” for people with ADHD—moderating or altering one's behavior to fit social expectations—and the ongoing process of balancing authenticity with social acceptance. Host Alex Delmar examines when and how to express oneself honestly while still navigating the unwritten rules of different social environments.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

Navigating Authenticity vs. Social Expectations

Opening Story (00:00):
Alex recounts a personal encounter where someone accused them of being “fake” for moderating their impulses to maintain civility.
- Quote:
  
  "She accused me of being fake and inauthentic, but I do it to be considerate of those around me, not to be fake."
  — Alex (00:22)
Balancing Act:
Alex explains that for people with ADHD, masking is often a necessity for being liked or accepted, but it comes at an “energy cost” that varies based on internal state, the audience, and the environment.

The “Trial and Error” of Self-Expression

Social Contexts Differ:
The degree of masking differs radically between, as Alex notes, “a mosh pit to a board meeting.”
- Tune your level of authenticity and manners depending on place, people, and personal investment.
Finding the Tipping Point:
Discovering the balance between self-expression and social conformity is an active, sometimes exhausting, process.
- Quote:
  
  "Finding that tipping point without going over the side seems to require a deliberate process of trial and error, where you find the appropriate balance between expressing your unique qualities and maintaining good manners while holding on to your values."
  — Alex (01:13)
Give and Take:
Sometimes, fitting in can mean sacrificing too much of oneself or realizing the “benefits of belonging to a certain group are not worth the energy required to fit in.”

Practical Steps for Managing Social Situations

Pause, Scan, Ask Technique (02:30):
Before engaging, briefly assess the environment—energy level, volume, atmosphere—and decide how to match or modulate your behavior.
Align Intentions:
Remind yourself why you’re there (to learn, to work, to relax), and lean into traits that serve your goals in that scenario.
Use Experience:
Draw on prior situations to plan self-regulation strategies—when to take breaks, when to leave, etc.
Learn Group Norms (03:40):
Observe quietly before acting, and pick up cues about acceptable behavior, especially if your instincts are to ask questions or share ideas more readily than others.

Testing Boundaries and Experimenting

Experiment with Self-Disclosure (04:20):
Once a baseline is set, “test the tolerance for diversity” by sharing a quirky factoid or showing unfiltered enthusiasm and watching for reactions.
- If positive, experiment further.
- If neutral, that may be their limit.
- If negative, consider dialing it back or apologizing if harm is done (but not for being yourself).

Reflection, Debrief, and Self-Compassion

Debriefing Post-Interaction (05:00):
Ask yourself which behaviors worked, which need adjustment, what values are core, and whether the environment was a good fit.
Protecting Self-Concept:
Never being able to relax or always having to mask is demoralizing and bad for self-esteem. A mismatch may mean it’s time to seek a new environment.
Missteps Happen (06:00):
Alex shares that they too get blindsided by social misjudgments even with “safe” people, which can be painful but is part of growth.
- Quote:
  
  "If I never put my real self out there, I'd never find those wonderful people who love me, ADHD and all."
  — Alex (06:26)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

On Masking:

"Most of us with ADHD, if we want to be accepted and liked, need to consciously moderate or mask our behavior."
— Alex (00:58)
On Authenticity:

"It's demoralizing to never be able to fully relax into who you are, and it damages your self concept to always hide how you're feeling."
— Alex (05:27)
On Social Risk:

"Even if you weren't well received, it's possible you didn't do anything wrong. Sometimes other people are just jerks."
— Alex (05:45)

Important Timestamps

00:00 — Personal anecdote on masking and being called “fake”
01:13 — Exploring the balance between authenticity and manners
02:30 — “Pause, Scan, Ask” technique introduction
03:40 — Gathering social cues and group norms
04:20 — Experimenting with self-disclosure and testing limits
05:00 — Debriefing after social experiences
06:00 — On misjudgment, self-compassion, and finding real connections

Tone & Style

Alex’s delivery is candid, practical, and empathetic—inviting listeners to both accept themselves and approach social situations thoughtfully. The episode provides actionable advice, validation, and encouragement for anyone grappling with the tension between fitting in and being themselves, ADHD or otherwise.

Final Reflection

Alex’s message is clear: While it may take energy and courage, striving for authenticity is worth the occasional social misstep, because that's the path to finding genuine acceptance—and the right people—with all your quirks included.

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Transcript1 lines

[00:00]
A
In a conversation with a new potential friend, I admitted that I find some relationships exhausting because it takes effort to curb impulsivity and act appropriately for long stretches of time. She accused me of being fake and inauthentic, but I do it to be considerate of those around me, not to be fake. For instance, at that moment I wanted to say f you, but I didn't do it because I'm a nice person and I didn't want to ruin the evening for our host. I did decide this person was definitely not a potential friend, but that interaction raised the question on the scale between fully masking on one end, if that's even possible, and being completely yourself on the other side. How do you find the intersection of socially acceptable behavior with a personally acceptable level of authenticity? I'm Alex Delmar, a certified ADHD coach and person with ADHD. Welcome to ThoroughlyADHD, where I share what I've learned to help other people with ADHD enjoy better lives out in the world. Most of us with adhd, if we want to be accepted and liked, need to consciously moderate or mask our behavior. The amount of energy we need to expend depends on the severity of our symptoms, our audience, and the situation. Expectations differ from a mosh pit to a board meeting, but if we consider which type of environment we're in and what kind of people we are with and how much we care what these people think of us, we can guesstimate how much we can let our guard down without negative consequences. Finding that tipping point without going over the side seems to require a deliberate process of trial and error, where you find the appropriate balance between expressing your unique qualities and and maintaining good manners while holding on to your values. It's a somewhat complex undertaking, but an important learning experience. As you go through it, you may realize that participation in some situations requires you to give up too much of yourself, or that the benefits of belonging to a certain group are not worth the energy required to fit in. That being said in, if you care to, there are some steps you can take to figure out the tolerance of a setting for you to act with wild abandon. Or if you might want to tone it down, entering a new situation is a transition. So instead of blindly rushing in, use your pause scan ask technique to assess the general energy level, volume, and atmosphere of the room, and then take a moment to prepare yourself mentally to match the environment or consciously decide to shake things up. Remind yourself why you were there. Is it to learn something, do your job, or relax with friends? Which of your traits can you lean into to best meet that goal. Interacting with others doesn't mean just curbing negative behaviors. It's also a chance for you to present your unique qualities as strengths before you join the others. Use your prior experience in similar settings to plan when you should take a break to self regulate and reassess the environment, and when you should leave. It can be a set time or contingent on your own behavior, or contingent on an external event. Whatever lets you maintain your spark. Stay in control of yourself and end on a positive note if this is an unfamiliar environment. To avoid inadvertently breaking the norms of the group and causing yourself unnecessary grief, try to find out the expectations for participants. Don't do anything until you've spent some time observing the group and gathering cues that relate to your dominant qualities. For instance, if you like to ask questions, you need to know if you can shout them out in the middle or if you should wait and raise your hand at the end. Once you've established a baseline for behavior with particular people or in a particular setting, you can do experiments to test the tolerance for diversity. For instance, show your enthusiasm for a topic or drop an obscure factoid and clock the reactions. If people react positively, try another experiment. If the reactions are neutral, you've probably reached their limit. If the reactions are hostile, you can try backpedaling. And if you've accidentally hurt someone, of course, apologize for that, but don't apologize for who you are. Take the time to debrief yourself afterward. Which behaviors do you want to repeat or do you need a plan to avoid in the future? Which traits served you well or might be more useful in a different setting? Which values are you unwilling to compromise? Remember, even if you weren't well received, it's possible you didn't do anything wrong. Sometimes other people are just jerks. If you find yourself modifying your behavior to please others without any respite, you may need to change your environment. It's demoralizing to never be able to fully relax into who you are, and it damages your self concept to always hide how you're feeling. I still misjudge situations or I lose myself in the moment and get chastised for it, even by people I thought of as safe. I'm still caught off guard when that happens and it still hurts my feelings. But if I never put my real self out there, I'd never find those wonderful people who love me, ADHD and all. I'm Alex Delmar and this has been thoroughly adhd. Your time is valuable, so I hope this was useful. If this topic resonated with you. Please, like subscribe or drop a comment. Thanks.