Ari Shaffir & Who's Poo Was It?

Summary

TigerBelly – Ep: "Ari Shaffir & Who's Poo Was It?"

Podcast: TigerBelly (All Things Comedy)
Date: May 13, 2026
Guests: Ari Shaffir, regular TigerBelly crew (Bobby Lee, Khalyla, Ramsey, Cat, etc.)

---

EPISODE OVERVIEW

This episode of TigerBelly descends into comedic chaos as comedian Ari Shaffir joins Bobby Lee and the TigerBelly crew for a no-holds-barred deep dive into notorious comedian pranks, bodily-function one-upmanship, and the true-life saga of "Who's Poo Was It?" that once traumatized—and hilariously scarred—the Comedy Store. What unfolds is part roast, part oral history, full court trial, and wholly an irreverent look at the tribal rituals of LA comedy’s younger, wilder eras. The legendary poo incident is dissected, blamed, and ruled upon by a "court" of comics, who are at once witnesses, jurors, and accused.

---

MAIN THEMES & STRUCTURE

• Comedy warfare & escalation: Bobby and Ari guide listeners through a legendary prank escalation—starting with a denied hug and ending in a series of fecal (and almost seminal) retaliations—a war of one-upmanship in the LA comedy scene.
• Tales from the Comedy Store: Vivid stories about the behind-the-scenes tribalism between comics, door guys, and the insane initiation rights of a past era.
• Roasting, vulnerability, and the rules of engagement: The group constantly roasts each other while exploring friendship boundaries, ethics, and what counts as "going too far."
• Mock trial & philosophical debate: The infamous "poo in the car door handle" incident is put on trial by the group, with detailed breakdowns of motivation, blame, and the ethics of comic escalation.
• The nature of pranks, masculinity, and emotional restraint: Underlying the wild stories, the comics debate why comedians push limits, why escalation is so tempting, and what finally makes them pull back.

---

DETAILED SEGMENTED SUMMARY

---

1. COLD OPEN: THE FAMOUS POO INCIDENT (00:17–01:01)

• Right out of ads: Ari, Bobby, and crew are immediately hot on the topic of "A place where there’s never been poo, really, ever, ever." (00:23)
• Cat is named and roasted for a boil on her head—lightly setting the tone that no one is safe from ridicule.

---

2. COMEDY STORE ORIGINS & HIERARCHY (03:44–16:06)

• Door guy/dynasty lore: Crew relate working as door staff, tip-sharing ("I would get a dollar a month" – Ari, 28:34), crazy tasks (cleaning roofs, dealing with boarded up theaters, and running dangerous errands).
• Tip wars: Anecdotes of crazier, better-tipped times, transition to the new "friends and family" open mics, and laments about how things have "softened."
• Generational lines: The old guard (Ari/Bobby) teasing the new guard for having it "so good"—free meals, more stage time, less violence.

Memorable Quote:

"I used to do crazy things. One day they hadn't cleaned the roof for years...They’re like, 'You gotta go up there and clean the leak... and also the leaves.'" – Bobby (31:21)

---

3. THE ART OF THE PRANK: PEE, POO, CANDY BARS, AND BEYOND (57:59–78:18)

• Initiating hostilities: Bobby recounts playfully asking for a hug from fellow comic James Painter, then threatening to pee on his car when denied ("In my culture, if I ask for a hug, I want a hug." – Bobby, 63:24). He proceeds to do just that, in front of Painter’s friends.
• Comic escalation: Ari frames the logic: "If you make a threat and don’t follow through, he’ll never respect you." (80:10)
• Painter's revenge: Painter, with Ari as instigator and supplier, crafts a plan to deliver a bag of poo onto Bobby’s car—handled dramatically with an improvised spatula and placed both in the door handle and under the windshield wipers (98:01+).
• Who handled the poo?
  • Ari supplied the "materials" (his own excrement), but Painter did the placement—though Ari admits the windshield wiper move was his idea.
  • “You think I believe in honor? And when my friend makes a vow to shit on someone's car...if not the shitter, he must place.” – Ari (107:24)
• Unexpected victims: Bobby has to pay a homeless man $100 to properly clean his windshield after realizing how dangerous and disgusting things got (111:02).
• Mock-legal trial: The group stages a trial, with Cat as judge, debating "who’s really responsible" and whether escalation was justified.

Notable Exchanges:

• "To me, pee doesn't equal poo." — Bobby (103:43)
• "It's not like, oh, shit...What you're saying is, you didn't save the poo. He saved the poo." — Ari, re: Painter's meticulousness (85:56)

---

4. PHILOSOPHY OF ESCALATION: WHERE DOES 'ONE UP' END? (112:17–117:41)

• The ‘cum cube’ specter:

  • Bobby planned a final escalation—saving his ejaculate in an ice tray, intending to slip it into Ari and Painter’s drinks as the ultimate revenge, but pulled back out of fear of "nuclear escalation."
  • "For months, I was saving my cum...in an ice cube tray." (112:57)
  • "After poo—what is it then? It’s cum. And what’s after cum? Come is a nuclear war." — Bobby (116:09)

• Philosophical quandary:

  • "If you cum cube me, I can't just cum cube you back. You have to go further." – Ari (116:36)

---

5. COURT VERDICT – WHO’S TO BLAME? (121:22–125:16)

• The "jury" (crew members and guests) cast votes:
  • Most blame falls on Ari for escalation (using the windshield, encouraging Painter, providing the “munitions”).
  • Some suggest Bobby started it.
  • Judge Ramsey: "I have to blame it on Ari because it escalated to a place that it didn't need to. Double escalation." (125:19)
  • "There's a maliciousness there that is no longer funny." – Ramsey/Judge (125:40)

---

6. POST-PODCAST REVELATIONS – THE RAT LETTER (126:14–134:53)

• Duncan Trussell adds fuel: Duncan tricks Painter into thinking Mitzi Shore (owner) is furious about the poo incident, leading Painter to write a (never-delivered) apologetic, blame-deflecting letter.
• Year-later retribution: Ari saves the letter, delivers it to Painter a year later in a public humiliation, marking him a "rat" for telling on his friends.

---

7. BIG IDEAS, LAUGHS, & FINAL TAKEAWAYS

• Resilience and regret:
  • "What’s the moral of the story? The resilience of the Jew." — Bobby (135:50)
  • Ari and Bobby agree that, years later, true escalation becomes less funny—and mostly exhausting.
• Roast to the finish:
  • Roles assigned in the "nature-of-the-beast": Painter is a rat, Ari is a snake, Bobby's a worm/cockroach—each surviving in their own comic ecosystem.

---

NOTABLE QUOTES & MOMENTS (Key Timestamps)

• [57:59] “I did the mistake of peeing on his car.” – Bobby
• [80:10] "If you make a threat and don't follow through, he'll never respect you." – Ari
• [105:16] “You would use the windshield wiper.” – Bobby, describing tragic error
• [112:57] "For months, I was saving my cum...in an ice cube tray." – Bobby
• [116:17] “If you cum cube me, I can't just cum cube you back. ...You have to go further.” – Ari
• [125:19] “I have to blame it on Ari because it escalated to a place that it didn’t need to.” – Ramsey
• [135:50] “The resilience of the Jew.” – Bobby

---

SECTION TIMESTAMPS

• 00:17 – 01:01 : Opening Poo Anecdote, Crew Roasting (boils, faces, etc.)
• 03:44 – 16:06: Comedy Store tribal tales, tip wars, initiation.
• 57:59 – 78:18: The prank war begins: pee, poo, and comic logic.
• 98:01 – 112:17: Poo logistics, windshield horror, aftermath.
• 112:17 – 117:41: The "cum cube" plan, escalation philosophy.
• 121:22 – 125:16: Mock trial & verdict: Ari’s ultimate blame.
• 126:14 – 134:53: The hidden rat letter & final shaming.
• 135:50: Episode wrap, moral of the story.

---

FINAL THOUGHTS

If you couldn’t listen, this episode is peak TigerBelly—raw, raunchy, and weirdly touching. It delivers a masterclass on the boundaries of pranking, the psychology of escalation, and why comedians do the dumb, dangerous things they do. Ultimately, it’s a love letter to the bonds of comic brotherhood, forgiveness, and a bygone era of wildness at the Comedy Store.

For more hilarious stories of comedian debauchery, Ari plugs his new storytelling show, featuring comics relaying similarly epic tales (119:01).

---

End of Summary

Transcript

[A]

With Vrbill's last minute deals, you can save over $50 on your spring getaway. So whether it's a mountain escape city break or a week at the beach, there's still time to get great discounts. Book your next day now.

[B]

Average savings, $72.

[A]

Select homes only.

[B]

I'm enraged.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

All I know is there's poo on my hand.

[D]

A place where there's never been poo really in ever, ever.

[B]

Quickly I went, it's human. Sakutokamu.

[C]

It is, man. Good to see you.

[A]

I'm the Palestinian one.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[D]

What's going on, guys?

[A]

Nothing much. How are you?

[D]

What's happening?

[A]

What are you drinking?

[D]

Mate.

[B]

Mate?

[A]

Nice.

[B]

The beverage of the Jew.

[E]

Is that a real thing?

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

When did that happen?

[F]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, man.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Straight from Jacob. There's a line that goes down. And he drank the out of that.

[D]

Really?

[B]

And they love it.

[F]

Yeah, yeah.

[D]

Who's this crew? What do you mean? I don't know. Who's this new crew?

[F]

You don't, you don't know?

[B]

Well, you know Gilbert?

[D]

Yeah.

[E]

George.

[B]

You remember George.

[D]

Yeah, right.

[E]

This guy likes Beatles. He doesn't know Alex.

[B]

The girl right here is Cat. She has a boil on her forehead. What?

[F]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

Well, that. I like it. And what's the name?

[C]

Oh, I like this.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's name that your boil.

[A]

Why? Why do we gotta name my boil?

[F]

Yeah, yeah.

[D]

Hey, not boil.

[F]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

Let's play the game. Susan.

[A]

Yeah, I. I was gonna talk.

[D]

Yeah, but from the side it goes way out.

[B]

Yeah, it goes way out. Vegito.

[D]

Hey, Fajito Fujito, short for fajita because it's all burned.

[F]

Yeah, yeah. Fajito.

[A]

How about little nipple, like that?

[B]

Little nipple.

[F]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

How about you?

[D]

Let's see, let me think.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[D]

How about boss bump?

[B]

Boss bump?

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Boss bump.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Is that what you said? Yeah, really good, dude.

[D]

Boss bump.

[B]

I like it. Bb.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

And when you bomb it, you think Palestinian.

[E]

It has begun.

[B]

The war between.

[D]

The war between ransom pick, nipple pick the pimples. It would be over.

[B]

It would be over with.

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

I'm sorry for bringing that up. I mean. Well, yeah, I am. Because you know what she said to me Monday?

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

So we do podcast Monday. And she texted me, did you not? Ramsay, check this out. She texted me, I'm sorry you bombed today.

[D]

Oh.

[B]

She goes, but you know me, I'll do better next time. Right? And she meant to say, I'm sorry I bombed today. Yeah, But I read it as you. Because that's what she said.

[D]

Sure.

[B]

Right. And I didn't respond to her because. Because I had to ruminate about it two hours to see if I did bomb.

[E]

So confident.

[B]

No, I thought I did good. I thought I did good. And then she's like, I. I'm sorry that you bomb.

[D]

That's what he says. Get to Bobby. You just go, you didn't do well. Like what?

[F]

Yes, I didn't. Yeah, yeah.

[A]

It was like six hours. And I was like, really? He never messaged me back. And then I reread it and I

[D]

was like, he's s. He's so mad.

[B]

I was so mad.

[A]

I'm sorry.

[D]

It was a tough crowd. You don't know.

[B]

No, we had Simon Hel. Simon Helberg on from Big Bang Theory. It was a real pleasant.

[D]

He did stand up.

[B]

No, he. He was here robbed.

[D]

In this show.

[B]

Yeah, he did this show.

[D]

Which one's he? The one?

[B]

No, the one. The one that looks like Jerry Seinfeld a little bit.

[A]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I can see that.

[B]

Right? Like skinny. You have a. You're like a long faced Jew.

[D]

Long. Okay.

[F]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

This is what you are.

[F]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

Why is it so long faced?

[C]

It's interesting. I want to know.

[D]

Sadness.

[F]

Oh, sadness of sadness.

[B]

Oh, I know. Oh, that one. Yeah, yeah, that one.

[D]

Oh, I heard that guy tries to be like. I have that same jacket. I heard that gu. Guy tries to be like a hipster around town. Like goes to all the art shows and stuff.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. He is a hipster.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

You can't.

[D]

Nope, nope.

[F]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[D]

Nope. You.

[B]

He's 100% hipster dude.

[D]

Not allowed anymore.

[A]

More hipsters.

[B]

Wait, wait, hipsters aren't allowed?

[D]

Not. Not once you've done this role. Oh, you're nerd for life.

[B]

Oh, oh, you think you're corporate.

[D]

You're a nerd for life.

[B]

A corporate nerd.

[D]

Just nerd. Oh, you're a nerd. Can I be accepted around cool people?

[B]

That's an acting job.

[D]

You call that an acting job?

[B]

Yeah, yeah. I want. You would be on that show. You would shave your beard.

[F]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[D]

Would I be on that show?

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

Are you? So you think that he's a nerd?

[D]

Then here, I'll do my pressure on the show. Say anything to me.

[B]

Yeah, well, hey, I don't. I've never seen this. Nobody. Yeah, yeah. Well, hey, what do you think of the biology of this woman?

[D]

PI. 3.1

[B]

laugh track. Right, right. Billions of dollars.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[D]

Let's do it.

[B]

People. People love it. People love it.

[F]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[D]

Slightly smaller Big Bang Theory.

[F]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

I mean, Ramsay would be on that show.

[C]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

As a tech.

[C]

What is that even supposed to mean?

[B]

You have a techie look.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

Do you think it's a techy look or.

[D]

No, because it's tech. You need a. You need one of those, like, brown, like, knit ties.

[F]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[D]

Got a wardrobe.

[B]

But not techie in the sense that, you know, those, like, complexes they're building, like meta and stuff in the Middle East.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

Yeah. You'd be in charge of that.

[C]

Can I just be in America or. No, no, no.

[B]

Absolutely not. You're in the desert. You're in charge of the water. Keeping it cool, the system, you know? Don't you have to cool those systems down? Those AI systems? Yeah, you're the water guy.

[D]

Start a lot of sentence with in my village.

[F]

Yeah, and then. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

And then you could be a map.

[A]

A what?

[F]

Yeah, because.

[B]

Yeah, because Iran. Iran, there's a lot of mountains and that boil. It's would be like a region of the map of Iran.

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

And your ears straight, your ear, like, right down your side is a Hermo Street. It's Right. And that's the mountainous regions of.

[D]

Yeah, the oil will be trans. Straight down.

[F]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

We're not trying to get political. Biblical political.

[D]

We'll do it our way.

[B]

We'll do it our way.

[D]

What happened? What? What. What's caused that?

[A]

Oh,

[B]

let's focus on it.

[A]

Mostly. Oil. The oil.

[F]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

Or you wash your face.

[A]

I wash my face.

[B]

Okay. All right. What does that mean?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Does that mean it's okay?

[A]

I'll text you later. That you. Bob?

[B]

Yeah, I think I'm already bombing, but, no, it's hardly noticeable.

[A]

Well, it's not.

[F]

It is.

[B]

Would you have noticed it?

[F]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

Would you have noticed it?

[C]

Yeah, for sure.

[F]

Yeah.

[D]

Right away. Not from behind.

[B]

Yeah, not from behind.

[F]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[C]

Maybe 400 yards away.

[E]

No.

[F]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

At night sometimes when you take a photo with a girl and they're like, this is my good side. I go, your good side is just complete. Turn around. It's the back of your head. You know what I mean? Like, what. What good side? You know what I mean? You're ugly as. You ever do that? I don't say that.

[F]

You know what I mean?

[B]

I just let them do their supposed good side, you know?

[A]

I don't. I've never had a good side. Do you have a good Side.

[D]

Can I weigh in? You do now?

[B]

Yeah, yeah. The left side of your face is definitely the good side.

[F]

Holy shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

Okay. And tilt your hair head to the right direction.

[D]

It might be time for bangs.

[A]

Side bangs.

[F]

Yeah.

[E]

All right.

[A]

Well.

[F]

Yes. Yeah.

[B]

It's fun.

[A]

This is good.

[F]

Yeah, Yeah.

[E]

I love this.

[B]

Yeah, you do.

[C]

This is great.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I thought we were going to get on the Palestinian guy.

[B]

Yeah, well, let's. Let's go there. Let's go there. You want to go there?

[C]

Why do we have to?

[B]

Because I'm like China. I'm, like, watching from beyond.

[F]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[C]

Puppeteering.

[F]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

Satellite images every once in a while, you know, it's fine. You want some satellite? I'll give you some satellite. You know, I mean. But yeah, he has a lot of. You have a strawberry nose.

[C]

Okay. Yeah, I like that.

[F]

Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

And there's a lot of watermelon in your nose.

[C]

Yeah, I suppose.

[F]

Thank you.

[B]

I guess.

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

If you looked at his nose, there's

[D]

a lot of holes. We kind of have similar noses.

[C]

Yeah. Thank you. All right.

[B]

No, it's not. I'm not talking about a size.

[D]

Holly and the juju.

[B]

Yeah, it's not about that because you guys are the same people, I think,

[D]

over the overall girth. Yeah, yeah, Overall girth.

[F]

Big dicks. You know what I mean?

[B]

And same region. You know what I mean?

[D]

But there's one difference. Palestinians and Jews is. Jews shower on Monday, Palestinian shower on Thursday, and then that's it.

[B]

Oh, really?

[F]

Yeah, yeah.

[D]

Thank you.

[C]

Please don't eat pork.

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

So I hook up with a Palestinian on Friday. Is that what you're saying?

[F]

Yeah.

[C]

You want them Thursday afternoon?

[B]

Yeah, Thursday after. Yeah, that Thursday afternoon.

[F]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

You don't do it on Tuesday, it

[D]

retracts pretty quick, kind of right out of the show.

[F]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

Koreans. We shower pretty much every day, maybe twice a day.

[A]

I shower every day.

[B]

Yeah, you do not your face.

[C]

Yeah, it's a body shower.

[B]

You deep tip my body?

[F]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

Maybe use your face.

[F]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

I mean, do you use Korean skin products?

[A]

Yes, I do.

[F]

Is.

[D]

Is the skin product Korean chicken?

[B]

Is it North Korean? She uses North Korean skin products. Kim Jong Un makes really good skin products.

[A]

Really?

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

I'm kidding.

[A]

Okay.

[F]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Bye.

[B]

I'm sorry for ripping on you a little bit, you know, I mean. But that's just all.

[A]

It's okay. I didn't feel like I was gonna get the Target, but.

[F]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

I mean, we've got Target Master here.

[A]

Yeah.

[F]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

You guys are kind of historic, actually.

[B]

Oh, I love Segways. Don't you love segues?

[C]

I do love that.

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

When they're so obvious, actually.

[C]

The cat hurts.

[B]

It's so good.

[C]

Speaking of lifelong conflict,

[B]

so seamless.

[C]

A big person being a helpless person.

[A]

Tell us about the K. You'd be

[B]

a good publicist, I think. I think.

[F]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

I would go this way if they ask this. Go this way.

[C]

Byron Allen over here.

[F]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

Oh, Byron.

[D]

So your grandmother come over recently.

[B]

What do you think of Byron Allen?

[D]

I think he's one of the. The highest level comedians working today.

[C]

Oh, my God.

[D]

I think if I am, I talk about influential.

[F]

Yeah.

[D]

I don't know if they're face. It's him and Prior.

[F]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[C]

Prior number two.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Byron Allen's one of those comedians that I've never seen, never seen stand up at a comedy club ever, ever, ever, ever. And we've been in the game.

[D]

Come to the 30th anniversary.

[B]

What?

[D]

Did he even come to the.

[F]

No, no, he's.

[B]

And yet he's now the Stephen Colbert.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

What if he's like highly autistic and he only talk to people in a living room setting with a shark tape? That's his way of connecting to people.

[F]

Oh, you think so?

[D]

Yeah, he's like this. And then as soon as we sit down on the couch, he's like, hi.

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

Maybe the stage of Comedy Unleashed is like that. Was that called Comics on the comics on list?

[F]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

Would you ever do that show?

[D]

I would. Now I wouldn't. Then

[C]

I like this.

[D]

Then it seems so lame.

[F]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

Now it's like prime time.

[D]

It's total.

[F]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[D]

Oh, it's prime time. Is that a real thing?

[B]

Yeah, it's replacing Colbert.

[F]

Yeah.

[D]

Not in our hearts.

[E]

Both the time slot.

[B]

Yeah, that time slot. So it's cold. He has two shows so funny that you ask. Yeah, right. And Comics Unleashed are now replacing Colbert. Yep.

[C]

Starting in like two weeks, I think.

[B]

In two weeks. Wow. Isn't that unbelievable? A syndicated show of a guy that lives, you know, me, you know, with fishes.

[F]

Yeah, yeah, I like that about.

[B]

Yeah, that's it.

[F]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, that's me.

[D]

There you are.

[B]

Wait, wait, wait.

[D]

Wake it up.

[B]

Wait, wait, wait. You did Comedy Unleashed? He was on it. Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait.

[D]

It's so far to have to walk.

[F]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

You did Comedy Unleashed?

[D]

What?

[B]

Insane. Would you do it?

[A]

I. I don't know.

[G]

So tell me, cat, your name Is Cat Bird. Did you ever have a chance to have a different name?

[B]

Yeah, yeah,

[F]

yeah, yeah.

[A]

But Byron, I.

[B]

No, don't change the subject.

[A]

Come on.

[B]

You're Segwaying it.

[D]

Oh, you call him Byron now?

[B]

You have to call him Mr. Campbell.

[D]

Look at her clapping as soon. Hold on. As soon as.

[F]

Look at him clapping like a. Yeah, yeah.

[A]

What the heck?

[D]

A pander.

[F]

I don't know.

[B]

There's Byron.

[F]

Don't say that.

[B]

Don't say that.

[D]

What?

[F]

Here it is.

[B]

Here it is.

[F]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

I think we can probably.

[B]

Yeah, there we go.

[A]

We could take this.

[D]

Did you buy that sweater for the show?

[A]

Yeah, I washed my face.

[B]

You go five hours early so the makeup could cover the.

[C]

Yeah, they took her whole pay to do it.

[F]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Anyway, how did.

[B]

How was your experience on that show?

[A]

It was really fun. Fun?

[B]

Actually, it's your first TV experience.

[A]

Yeah, it was fun.

[F]

Yeah.

[A]

But I did this butthole joke at the end, and it really shocked Byron. He know how to compute it.

[F]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[B]

Well, you can't compute a lot.

[A]

Yes.

[D]

What was the joke? You, like, open his ass up?

[A]

Yeah.

[E]

What's happening?

[C]

How did he set it up?

[F]

Yeah, yeah.

[D]

How did he set up a butthole?

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let me see. Let's see the setup. Oh, you think you're gonna burn a bridge right now? I think that's what you're.

[A]

No, I'm trying to remember.

[B]

You can never burn a bridge with Byron Allen. No, I. Oh, that Campbell. I said Campbell, and his name is Alan. No one corrected me on that, but

[C]

I thought you knew something I didn't know.

[B]

Yeah, me, too. Oh, you really.

[C]

I assume you have authority.

[B]

No, no, you do, because you guys

[A]

have, like, a long history, you two.

[D]

This one is crazy. Really?

[B]

I think we've. I think we've really talked about everything. Yeah, a lot.

[D]

So we've covered every meal.

[F]

Yeah, yeah. What.

[B]

So what history would you.

[A]

Well, we were both door guys and we heard stories.

[D]

Were you really, in my day, a woman door guy?

[B]

I know. Never happened.

[D]

It's crazy.

[A]

I know.

[C]

I protested.

[D]

I heard that you, like, doctor.

[F]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

A pilot.

[F]

Yeah, yeah.

[D]

Dude. We used to do this thing. When you hear a woman pilot, we do this joke. She's like, hi, everybody. We're going to be cruising. And I just go up to, like, press the button

[B]

as a joke.

[D]

You were a door guy.

[A]

I am a door.

[B]

She still is.

[D]

Really? You know Miranda.

[A]

I do. Yeah.

[D]

Pass the test. Tell the truth.

[F]

Yeah, she's telling the truth. Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

So what history do you guys. The door people talk about? Our history.

[D]

We're both door guys.

[H]

Yeah.

[A]

The. You guys were best friends and then you fought.

[C]

I wouldn't say it was a fight that I hear about.

[A]

Okay. The candy bar.

[D]

Was it a fight that was like. I was it coming together?

[F]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

And candy bar in the butthole. What do you mean?

[A]

Was there not. Didn't you put a candy bar in his butthole?

[D]

Listen, you guys, the problem is you take stuff out of context as if he has.

[B]

I know.

[D]

As if he hasn't had so many candy bars up his buttholes in so many locations.

[B]

Caroline Lovett skewing the.

[F]

What do you.

[B]

Do you have an agenda?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

What is going on here?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

What do you mean by candy bar in the butthole?

[A]

That was my segue into the Byron Allen question.

[F]

Okay.

[B]

Yeah.

[F]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

What'd you hear about the candy bar in the butthole?

[A]

I heard that you guys are fighting

[D]

about which side it goes in first. He wanted it with ways. I said, long's better, but do what you want.

[C]

You're not cruel.

[F]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

And.

[F]

Oh, this. Oh, yeah.

[E]

Ari's better.

[D]

I still have that shirt?

[F]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

You still have that shirt?

[F]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

Oh, you stuck it in your own butthole.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, I thought. I thought Ari helped you.

[C]

Was there like a lubricant or was that. Just

[A]

put glue on it.

[B]

My butt has a glue. Naturally. A lubricant that occur.

[C]

Yeah, I know.

[B]

What a picture.

[D]

I got to frame that.

[F]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

Don't frame that, please. Still have that tattoo.

[D]

I want that on my gravestone.

[A]

Your fingers are so cute.

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

Little sausages.

[C]

What kind of candy bar was it?

[D]

You have? We man fingers.

[F]

Holy.

[C]

I never noticed.

[B]

Do I have them now?

[D]

No, what you do exactly, you stretch your fingers.

[B]

No, no.

[D]

Stretch out your fingers.

[B]

No, I did. What Chopan. Did he clip. You know that.

[C]

No, no.

[B]

Chopin. The composer or the, you know, pianist?

[E]

Composer.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Excuse me.

[E]

Pianist, composer.

[B]

That's what I just said.

[E]

You looked at me, though, for affirmation.

[B]

Yeah, I just look. I like looking at it.

[F]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

It's a crazy picture, but he used to clip these parts so he can be longer. Yeah, I didn't do that. But I'm just saying that so he could reach keys that other people. This is just probably folklore. Maybe not even true. Can you Google if that's true?

[A]

You guys have the same nose.

[D]

He also. Yeah, we do. And also he did that. And he's Asian. He got the surgery.

[F]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

Can you get off that? I have a little person's fingers and I don't like it.

[F]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

You for your body. You for your body. You guys. Oh my God. You know what? Sometimes I just take Huel for a meal because you know what? My body needs it. You know what your body needs, bud? Nutrition. Am I not right, Luke?

[C]

Definitely.

[F]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

When does the RTD save? You ready to drink? This right here is ready to drink. Breakfast, post workout meeting, school, drop off, errands, etc. You know, I mean, you were racing to the comedy store, right? You haven't had a meal. Guess what? What do you drink? Fuel. Exactly.

[I]

Yes.

[B]

Rtd, right? Pick it up, dude. How does a complete meal you can drink help you stay consistent? I'll tell you why. Yeah, because it's got 35 grams of protein. What else does it have there, Luke?

[I]

It has 7 grams of fiber, which is really good for, for your protein as well, and 27 essential vitamins and minerals.

[B]

Yeah, what else?

[C]

Me personally, I love that there's no artificial sweeteners, colors or flavors.

[B]

That's gluten free, dude.

[C]

Oh, that's great.

[B]

Yeah. And here's the best news, Luke, right? It's under $5 per meal, bro. What? Is that insane?

[I]

That's crazy.

[B]

Yeah, it's a complete meal. You can literally, literally grab and go, go, go.

[E]

Limited time offer. Get Heal today with our exclusive offer of 50% off online with our code [e-mail] Tigerbelly new customers only. Thank you to Heal for partnering and supporting our show.

[B]

Klarna, you wanna buy stuff? Easy payments. Klarna, you guys, you know, looks maxing. We talked about it earlier and I have to say, and I don't want to put you on the spot, but Alex, Alex, we need to max out your look, right? So we're gonna do some payments here.

[E]

What's wrong with him?

[B]

Describe his body.

[C]

Shoes.

[B]

Well, he's shaped like a water buffalo.

[G]

Yeah, okay, we can help that, but.

[B]

Yeah, we can't help that. Right. But I think the clothing we can. So we're gonna go and we're gonna buy you some clothing, right? And so I, you know, a vintage look, right? Cool pants and some shoes.

[I]

Well, so you could. With Klarna, you could also money Max because you'll be able to have more money in your account and do it in force, you know, small payments or 100 payments you need. Yeah, so you'll money max on top of your looks maxing as well.

[B]

Exactly. So you're doing both actually.

[I]

Yeah.

[B]

Looks maxing and money maxing. What else? There are rams.

[C]

I like that. Also, it's really easy. It's just like four easy payments, you know, it's very nice and you know.

[F]

Yeah.

[C]

Life is complicated.

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

Clara also offers value, transparency, control, and no surprises. Play pay now, later, or over time. Whatever fits your lifestyle, really, to be honest with you.

[E]

All right, so what do you think we should get Alex? Help his hobbit feet.

[B]

Is it a hobbit? You know how this is men's, women's. Is there like mythological.

[E]

Yeah.

[C]

Is it like a hoof or something?

[B]

Really extreme.

[I]

Wide feet.

[F]

You do.

[I]

You might need timbs, right?

[C]

I think we get them tims because

[I]

then you can also.

[B]

You'll get a little taller. Are.

[E]

Are pretty tight though.

[B]

Yeah, they're tight. It's leathery. It's tight. How about a Birkenstock? Oh, I like Burks. Yeah, Burks are cool.

[E]

We'll do Burke.

[B]

Let's do some Burks right there.

[E]

What size? Alex?

[B]

Let me guess.

[E]

Bobby. What do you think?

[G]

His size?

[B]

What size? The length, probably 4 foot. The width, 19 foot. So 4 by 19? 4 by 19.

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

Maybe let's go to Home Depot. Maybe build one. Wait, zoom in on that. Those pants. Yeah, that's what he needs. You need that dude. Okay, so we'll get.

[F]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

That's Looks back at the Burks. With the Burks.

[E]

Yeah, the whole thing with the Burks.

[F]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

We're ski masks.

[C]

That's the first one right there.

[D]

That was.

[B]

Yeah, it's key Mask on sale.

[I]

Wow.

[F]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

Get ski masks.

[E]

So guys, download the Klarna app today or visit klarna.com to learn more.

[B]

Yep.

[G]

California resident. California resident. Loans made or arranged pursuant to the California finance law. License NMLS number 1353190 Klarna. Balance account required to be eligible for cashback points. Limited limitations. Terms and conditions apply.

[E]

Caffeine just got a flavor upgrade. Five hour energy shots bring you tasty caffeine in 17 flavors. We love all the flavors, but our favorite is fruity Rainbow five Hour Energy Shots. It's an explosion of fruity flavor with tasty caffeine kick. And let me tell you, you're going to love it because it's so delicious. Enjoy a variety of bold flavors with as much caffeine as a 12 ounce premium cup of coffee. But with zero sugar and zero sugar. Crash big flavor in a tiny bottle. Five hour energy shots pack the flavor of the season and a portable 2 ounce shot. Give your caffeine a flavor upgrade with 5 hour energy shots. Get yours in store and online at www.5hourenergy.com or Amazon. Today.

[J]

This podcast is sponsored by Talkspace. May is mental health awareness month and Talkspace, the leading virtual therapy provider, is sharing the message that connection is crucial because good relationships are an essential and sometimes overlooked component of mental well being. If your relationships could use some strengthening, a licensed therapist from Talkspace can help. Therapy can help you communicate better with loved ones, repair conflicts and understand how to address loneliness and build community. It's easy to sign up. Just go to talkspace.com and you'll be paired with a therapist within two days. You'll meet with your therapist online on your schedule. Plus, Talkspace is in network with most major insurers and most insured members have a zero dollar copay. Make personal connections a priority and start today. If you're not covered by insurance, get $80 off your first month with Talkspace when you go to talkspace.com and enter promo code SPACE80. That's SPACE80. To match with a licensed therapist today, go to talkspace.com and Enter promo SPACE80. This episode is brought to you by Progressive Insurance.

[C]

Do you ever think about switching insurance companies to see if you could save some cash?

[J]

Progressive makes it easy to see if

[B]

you could save when you bundle your

[D]

home and auto policies.

[C]

Try [e-mail] Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates. Potential savings will vary.

[B]

Not available in all states. Hey, I have a little person's fingers and I don't like it.

[F]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

We are sticking up the candy bars, but, but my fingers are now Chopin like.

[C]

Yeah, I would say they're regular.

[F]

Yeah.

[D]

Still play.

[B]

I think losing weight, you know, I mean, that's what occurred.

[C]

You lost weight in your fingers.

[B]

I think when you. Maybe, maybe, maybe when you lose weight in general, some of the finger mass,

[D]

you know how much weight you lose?

[B]

About 35 pounds.

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

So I think that maybe that was the case. I was up chunko back then.

[A]

Do you think you lose it off any other part of your body?

[B]

Like, what are you trying to imply?

[C]

Is your butthole as wide as it used to be?

[D]

Oh, that's.

[B]

I don't think that's what she was applying.

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

And I don't know why that you would go there.

[A]

Well, a finger kind of looks like a wiener. So I was just wondering.

[D]

Yeah. Do you get a thinner dick?

[B]

Yeah, it's thinner. Yeah, but long.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

It clears out some of the, you know.

[F]

No, no, no.

[B]

I don't know. I don't know.

[C]

The surrounding.

[B]

I don't know. Meta fucking water guy. Okay,

[D]

interesting.

[B]

I saw you in a news interview.

[D]

Oh, really?

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

Oh, the attacks on hormones. No, that's just. Look like me. No.

[B]

How you just don't believe in any political party.

[D]

Yeah, I don't care.

[F]

Yeah, yeah.

[D]

What about you? Same.

[B]

No.

[A]

Have you seen Home Alone?

[B]

What? What the fuck?

[F]

That segue is insane.

[E]

That was pretty.

[B]

Look, he looks like Stern. Daniel Stern.

[F]

Oh, is that the segue?

[E]

I was on point.

[B]

That was it. Was that it?

[F]

God, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[D]

See people in the store with that mouth?

[F]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

Really good segue. Was that you just dissing on them?

[F]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

Because the boil thing.

[F]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[D]

Let me.

[B]

Okay, do me, do me, do me, do me, do me.

[A]

Have you ever seen Ali Wong?

[B]

Just an Asian person. Pretty good.

[A]

Okay, yeah. I'll come up with my.

[B]

Hey, Rams. Do you have a rip on us?

[C]

Do I ever rip on you and Ari? Yeah, I'm reframing from any rips on Ari, I think.

[B]

Why? Why?

[C]

I just don't. I just.

[D]

Just met.

[C]

I'm not.

[B]

Yeah. You guys don't know each other.

[C]

I don't know Ari.

[F]

No, no.

[B]

How do you not know Ari Shafir? He's a regular.

[C]

I was a door guy, but way after you.

[B]

He's a paid regular now.

[D]

Nice.

[F]

Congratulations.

[C]

Thank you very much.

[B]

Thank you.

[C]

Thank you. Foil phase.

[B]

Foil phase.

[D]

Not paid regular in both. Knew Mitzy shorts. She was never with a boil.

[B]

Never getting her off. What's going on with her head?

[D]

Don't let it pass.

[B]

Don't let it pass.

[F]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

I could perform in the boil room.

[F]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

There is no boil room, but anyway, I know the place inside and out. There is no boil room.

[A]

There's a belly room, but it's for boil.

[B]

Okay.

[D]

How many different rooms have you in the Comedy Store?

[B]

Oh, I'll tell you.

[D]

Yeah, let's see.

[B]

Main room, main room. Back, Back.

[F]

Yeah.

[D]

Green room, both backs.

[B]

That's what's both black.

[D]

There's the couch one. And then there's the. The. Where they're just. The mirrors are.

[B]

No, no, I just did. No, no. Oh, no, no, no. The second back the showers.

[D]

With the showers.

[A]

Yeah, because there's two doors where Argus hangs out.

[B]

Because if you hear the first door open, then you stop. Yeah, Where Argus hangs out

[C]

when he's reading the paper.

[B]

Still funny. He's Argus Hamilton. He's killing it online.

[A]

He texts me all the time.

[F]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

Does he really? Yeah. About what?

[A]

Just jokes and.

[F]

Yeah, yeah.

[C]

Just.

[D]

Just testing the waters.

[B]

He texts you. Is it.

[D]

He's still slinging it, you think?

[C]

Yeah. Oh, 100.

[D]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

With Bluetooth now. Oh, wow.

[D]

You think? Sports it like in the 80s

[B]

and he beats an invisible Mitzi.

[D]

He's not around anymore. And this. This fist is growing too much. Whittled down.

[F]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Used to be violent, dude.

[A]

I was really violent.

[F]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

I mean the story. I think we could.

[D]

She's a though, so sometimes she deserved it.

[A]

Who's talking about argus?

[F]

No, no, no, no.

[B]

Well, you didn't. Here's what. What your generation didn't. You know what I mean?

[D]

Yeah. Do you guys in there.

[B]

No, no, no. Let's talk. Let's go back to what you said and then we'll go about what rooms are we.

[D]

Okay.

[F]

Can we do that?

[D]

Okay. Yeah.

[B]

Okay.

[D]

What did I say? Mitz is a. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

She was such a. I know, I know, but let's.

[D]

In a good way.

[B]

In a good way.

[F]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

But you guys didn't experience that.

[C]

No, we came chasing that and then they shut it down before. Before we could.

[D]

When were you that. You were in the heyday, the tip years?

[C]

No, I was there like two years. Like two years ago.

[D]

Were you getting tips still?

[C]

They cut tips right when I left.

[D]

What do you mean? They cut tips like that.

[B]

If you want for people to.

[D]

What?

[B]

I don't know. Explain the tip thing.

[D]

Okay, so when you do service jobs in America,

[B]

people generally go, no taxes now on apparently.

[D]

Here's a little something extra. They'll take a dollar.

[F]

Yeah.

[D]

Oh, thanks, buddy. That was. Thanks for showing us.

[B]

I appreciate it, but at the store it's different.

[D]

No, none. Never. Never.

[B]

It's more than a dollar.

[D]

Not when I was doing it.

[B]

I know, but what they're getting. That's what I'm saying, what they're getting.

[D]

It's crazy.

[F]

Yeah, Yeah.

[D]

I would get a dollar a month.

[B]

I know, but these guys. I'll go, hey, I have some guests. Can they sit in that booth? And they're like. That's kind of safe.

[F]

Yeah, right.

[B]

They're gonna say, I gotta say, for who? Right? And they're like, we got people we don't know yet. Yeah, we don't know yet. Yeah, but it's like hundreds.

[C]

There was hundreds.

[A]

I'm not getting hundreds at all.

[C]

The era right before me, they would leave with 1500 bucks sometimes a night.

[D]

What?

[B]

Yeah. Yep.

[A]

Maybe we'll get, dude.

[D]

I legitimately. 10 bucks of. 10 bucks a.

[B]

We would come up with 10 split, you and I. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You get five, I get five.

[D]

We had to resort to stealing from the place.

[F]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

Straight stealing also. You didn't know. I think I told you this. I mean, maybe both of you in San Jose, that. But there was a time where they had this weird contract with us where they only paid US$25 a day.

[D]

The time.

[B]

The whole life. The whole time. Right, right. So it was like employees were contract independent.

[D]

I fought for that. I fought for you guys to be artists. I fought an artist.

[F]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[D]

But that's. Minimum wage is 6.

[B]

I know. So we would be there all day long, right? Door. I mean, phones sometimes, then door strip. Right, right. And you're there at. Till one in the morning. You got 25 bucks for that.

[D]

A night shift would go. It shows at 8, so you got to get there at 7.

[F]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[D]

And you're there till 2:30.

[F]

Yeah.

[A]

Did they used to, like, have to clean the roof and stuff?

[F]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[B]

I used to do crazy things.

[A]

Yeah. Did you like, man.

[B]

Oh, one. No. She goes. One time, she goes, you got. She goes, bomby.

[F]

I go, yeah.

[B]

She goes, you gotta clear out the Richard Pryor Theater. And I go, what, we. What, we own a theater?

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

It was like somewhere on La Brea.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Right. And it been boarded up for years. Right. And she goes, beware. She goes, beware. There are people living in there. Right, right. So I'm like, opening this, you know, I mean, there's like, like, board. It's boarded up, but there are holes. Right. But I didn't want to crawl in a hole.

[F]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

So I just took a shovel. This is not in my job description. And I walk. It's black, and all you can see is eyes. Like in a forest. No, not black people.

[A]

Oh, okay.

[B]

Did I say black people?

[A]

Oh, you just said black.

[D]

No, Peter Chen.

[F]

That's a good no. No.

[B]

But you would see eyeballs and go, hey, guys, you know, I'm in my 20s.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Guys, please, please. I just have a shovel.

[D]

Right.

[B]

You know, I mean, you would smell things that were, like, chemical.

[C]

Yes.

[B]

Yeah. They're doing drugs.

[F]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

Like crack or whatever what it is. Yeah. But I used to do crazy jobs. You mean, one day they hadn't cleaned the roof in many, many years.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

They're like, you got to go up there and clean the leak. And also the leaves.

[D]

Clean up the leaves.

[B]

Right. And I'M like, literally, it's like, fucking stacked with leaves.

[C]

What time of the day are you getting there? Are you getting there?

[B]

Like, oh, I'm at noon. Oh, God, I'm there at noon.

[A]

Dude, $25 for $25.

[D]

That was bonus. That wouldn't have even been paid. I was like, I need you to come early. Is there more money? Like, yeah, can you imagine?

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

And now. You know what drives me crazy, Ari? Is now they have this thing called rights. Rights? Yeah, rights. And friends and family.

[D]

What is that?

[B]

Oh, you don't know about friends and family?

[D]

Is that when I was hosting?

[B]

No, I don't think you. No, they didn't have friends and family. No, friends and family now is during open mics. This is crazy. They get their own chunk of two hours. How long is friends and family? It's two hours potluck. Yeah, but they all get to go up. When we were doing open mics, we still had to do the lottery.

[D]

Oh, wait, wait, wait. So you're talking about employees.

[C]

Employees.

[D]

Employees always got a spot.

[B]

They did.

[D]

Three minutes.

[C]

Yeah, Old man Lee. Oh, with your little fake stories.

[F]

Okay, okay,

[B]

okay.

[C]

You got.

[B]

Yeah, Old man Lee.

[D]

Hey, can I do some puns? You want to rush to remember? So you get.

[B]

Are there people that go up that aren't employees there that are still.

[D]

I rest my case.

[F]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

Friends and family. Who are those people?

[C]

They're friends.

[D]

Of whom?

[C]

The family.

[B]

Of whom of the family. Yeah, we didn't have that.

[D]

Yeah, but like, what, Peter Shore's buddies?

[C]

No, like, if you're the host and you're. You want to get your friend up in front of the booker, that's your little payment.

[D]

No, no, no, no.

[C]

I'm with you. Hey, as a paid record,

[B]

it's been there for years.

[D]

No.

[F]

And yeah.

[C]

Yeah, it's over.

[B]

Yeah, they get their own employee. No, we get their own employee. Belly room show. Yeah, there's an employee belly room show.

[D]

We got three minutes, and if she

[B]

came in early, she goes, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[C]

That's.

[F]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[C]

Now that I'm on the other side, burn it all.

[B]

So you get paid, right?

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

You get paid, right? You get ample stage time now, right? I've seen you host the big shows.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

What, you're a door guy and you

[B]

get to host the big shows, though, Like Leno, Arsenio Hall.

[A]

Yeah, that's independent. That's not at the store.

[D]

Wait, wait, wait, wait. Was your reference of a big show. Two people from the 70s,

[C]

Then they'll

[B]

have Tim Dillon Perlman, Flip Wilson, Corey Feldman, Mo Mortall. If he's still alive.

[F]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Whitney Houston.

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

Didn't do stand up.

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

That joke did not hit.

[F]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Because she's dead.

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

Oh, I see. Yeah. Yeah. But we were doing. Flip Wilson was a stand up.

[F]

Yeah.

[C]

That was a boil talking.

[B]

That was the Boyle talking takes over sometimes.

[D]

That's crazy. You guys get that much stage and money.

[B]

And money.

[D]

So what do you mean? They ended the. They ended the tips? What did that mean?

[C]

They got into so much like, Jew

[D]

cares about the tip.

[B]

Yeah, let's go back to that.

[C]

So there were people complaining, like, you know, like Yelp comments saying, oh, I got, like, I had to pay 50 bucks and I got a shitty seat or something.

[D]

Hold on, pause. Because you guys abused it. You didn't say. You go, you're not sitting there without paying me $50 for that. 75 for that.

[C]

I agree with you. Yeah, it got. We were flying a little too close to the.

[B]

So that stopped.

[D]

Stopped.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

We don't get tip pockets anymore.

[B]

So what do you get? Nothing.

[A]

Well, we get tips. Like, I'll be like, oh, if they're like, oh, can I save a seat for someone? I'll be like, yeah, but you just gotta, like, give us, like, 20 bucks to save a seat, and then they'll get 20 bucks, and then we have to split it between five people.

[D]

You're supposed to, like. If you hook me up.

[C]

Yeah, that's. That's the thing.

[B]

That's.

[C]

That's why they up.

[F]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

Don't be specific about the money. If you hook me up, it could be a hundred.

[A]

Yeah, but how about they give you five?

[D]

Then you have to do it, but you don't hook up as much.

[F]

Yeah, yeah.

[D]

Or you just go, come on, man.

[B]

Yeah, that's good.

[D]

Have you ever met In Italian?

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. I've learned so much from Ari. I learned to be confrontational at the. At the gate at the airport.

[D]

It's fun.

[F]

Yeah, Yeah.

[B]

I learned how to be confident. You know, people go, I'm difficult at the tsa. Yeah, right.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

But I wasn't before I met him. And I realized, oh, you could run amok.

[A]

Oh, well, what do you do?

[B]

Well, you're confrontational.

[D]

Yeah, I just. I started. I don't.

[B]

Like. I'll give you an example.

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

After. After you. That you check your ID and you, you know, I mean, you give them your plane ticket right afterwards. Sometimes they'll go, where are you going?

[D]

Who the are you? Why the would I tell you where I'm going.

[B]

That is what I'm talking about.

[F]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[C]

100.

[B]

Yeah, 100, right.

[D]

I feel like, sir, I was just driving. It's like this guy's trying to out figure me. Oh, all these gay TSA agents.

[F]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

When I used. Sometimes I would travel with them and I'd learn.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

I go, oh, they're not the police.

[C]

No, they're security guards.

[B]

They're security guards. And you can see what the ball you want to do.

[D]

They're mall cops.

[F]

Yeah.

[D]

Real training. They can't shoot you.

[B]

They can't shoot you.

[F]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

I learned something a little tricky move from you.

[C]

What's that? Oh, the. Don't take your picture.

[F]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

Did you know that you can deny the picture?

[D]

What do you mean?

[C]

When you go up to the. To. When you go through tsa, they, like, go, hey, can you real quick look at the camera? You could just say no, but you

[A]

tried that last night.

[D]

I didn't know.

[F]

They just like that.

[C]

They just go, oh, okay. And they just let you go.

[F]

Yeah.

[D]

So something that Brett Weinbach told me.

[B]

Yeah, tell me about. Oh, I love these rules. Yeah.

[D]

So he goes, you can say, like, I gotta leave my shoes on. And they go, no, you can't. And they go. Unless you have a medical condition.

[B]

Flat foot.

[D]

No.

[B]

What? No.

[D]

Here. Sure.

[A]

Athlete's foot. It.

[D]

No.

[B]

Why not?

[D]

Take your shoes off.

[F]

Athletes, you got to think ahead. Oh, you got to think ahead, dude.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

So you have to.

[B]

But they can't say, you got to think ahead.

[C]

Nice. Nice.

[B]

B le old manly old man. Got him. He's got back.

[F]

Dude,

[D]

You just make up some Latin. Make up something sounds Latin. Like molescum contagion.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

I'm like, oh, okay, sure. Now, no shoes off for you.

[F]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

What would you say? Make up a word. Oh, you have salapapu. What is that?

[A]

My toes are all grown together.

[D]

No, no, no, no. To ask me that. It's embarrassing.

[A]

Oh, you have no right to ask me that.

[B]

Ah, that's the answer. Excuse me, sir. Why can't you take your shoes off?

[C]

Peluxin explosion.

[A]

You have to take.

[E]

You actually have to show us.

[B]

Yeah, you gotta show us that.

[E]

You said explosion and you're a pounce.

[D]

That's not great.

[B]

Yeah. We're gonna analyze your shoe.

[D]

You want to think of it ahead of time.

[C]

I'm really bad at improv.

[B]

Yeah. I really wasn't trying a Palestinian guy saying, I have explosions. I got bum bomb.

[E]

Crazy.

[F]

Yeah, yeah.

[D]

Yeah, my dynamite vest makes me itchy.

[B]

Just say I have a bomb in my sho. That's what I am.

[C]

It's my cousin.

[B]

So Brent Weinbach taught you that?

[D]

Yeah. Say that I. But sometimes when they're patting me down. Yeah, but if I got a fart, I'll rip it right there. I farted. You're smelling it now.

[B]

Oh, yeah. I can't go anywhere.

[D]

Keep smelling.

[F]

No. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

Oh, when they're patting you down.

[F]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

I love that.

[F]

Yeah, yeah.

[D]

Right in their face, you know?

[B]

You know what I say? I go, keep going. They go, okay, we're good. I go, keep going. And they're like, no, you're done. I go, keep going.

[D]

Keep going.

[B]

Yeah, it feels good.

[D]

I like it.

[A]

I like it.

[F]

Yeah.

[A]

Pat me down.

[B]

Why?

[A]

Because it's just a little massage, you

[B]

know, sometimes it's not really that big of a massage. A light Swedish massage.

[D]

If I went to massage anyone like this, to me.

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

Yes. What are you doing?

[D]

I'll give you a dollar for nothing.

[F]

Yeah.

[C]

Reiki heel.

[B]

Well, I used to. So what I used to do learning from him is I used to put gigantic portable plastic vaginas. You know what I mean?

[D]

Like.

[B]

You know what I mean?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

So you used to buy plastic vaginas?

[B]

Yeah, Just to put it into my thing. So they will check it.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

And then they have to pull it out.

[D]

Oh, dude, I didn't wash that one. I didn't watch

[C]

more than 3 ounces

[B]

of liquid super sticky, you know what I mean? And you have to hold it. I go, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's for my. I masturbate. Yeah, yeah. I masturbate with that item.

[D]

Put my penis in.

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

And they put it right back. And they close it right up. It's my favorite.

[D]

Please repack it.

[B]

But I learned all that behavior from you.

[F]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

Which is kind of sucks because when I'm. I'm going through now did TSA with a girl with any like my girlfriend or whatever. They have to do like three steps back because they can't be with me because they know how embarrassing it is.

[G]

Yeah.

[B]

You know, I mean, and I'm like, why am I behaving like this? They're just hard working Americans. And it always back goes back to this guy.

[F]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

I mean, his poo trick.

[F]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

I call him poo trick.

[C]

It's actually patriotism poo trick.

[A]

It's on my foot.

[F]

Yeah, yeah.

[D]

I love when I have time, when I'm going home and not to a Gig and I have time. I'm like, let's see how far I can take this. Like, I get thrown off this and make the next flight. Yeah. One time they're like, hey, your shoes went off. I'm like, it's not. It's because I gave her a weird look. My shoes didn't go off. Like, do it again. Like, we can't do it again. Like, you can't test me again.

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

Why would. But why waste time?

[D]

And then they go.

[B]

That's the thing I always ask. I do it.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

But I'm like, why are we doing it?

[D]

Why are we doing this?

[B]

You've never invented it.

[D]

You've never caught anyone. Why are we doing this? At some point, she goes, sir, you have to. I'm like, get your manager. I went hard this one time. And then they go, sir. So I'm like, can I leave? What if I don't want to go? Can I just leave?

[F]

Yeah.

[D]

No, you can't. I'm like, so you're detaining me, like, you're taking my freedom now? And they go, no. And they're like, go, sir, do we need to call the cops? And I thought about it. I go, yeah, call them. Actually, I want to see.

[F]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

Why are you like that?

[A]

Well, there's. Sometimes there's so many hours before you board a flight, right?

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

You had to.

[C]

You got time to kill.

[B]

Fun.

[I]

Yeah.

[B]

It's for fun.

[D]

You ever do the lie, but then you convince yourself of the lie?

[B]

No, tell me.

[D]

Explain when you lie, and then you.

[B]

Which I do a lot.

[D]

Yeah, yeah, I know.

[B]

Obviously.

[D]

Yeah, we all do.

[F]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[D]

You're one of the best at it. But you got to tell yourself.

[B]

Tell the world.

[D]

You're one of the best liars of all time.

[F]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

Of all time.

[F]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

But it's all. Well, thank you.

[C]

What's the best lie you think you have?

[B]

I mean, like, probably 20 of the things I've said.

[D]

He's Mexican.

[B]

I'm immigrant.

[F]

Yeah.

[D]

But when I say, like, my foot hurts if I take my shoes on and off, it's. It's painful my skin. And then they go, go, can you just do it? I go, well, no, I feel alive. Like, it's painful, dude. And I really believe it. Or if I was late because of something, I'd be like, oh, I saw a murder. I'm like, no, I'm really affected by this murder I saw.

[F]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[D]

You know, you really.

[F]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[D]

And I told the cop I was like, dude, this won't let me. He's like, be respectful. I'm like, is that legal? Do I have to be respectful?

[F]

Yeah.

[D]

He was like, you can just tell. This guy was like, yeah, yeah, I just want to shoot black people. Why is this my job?

[B]

I understand that, but one you just go through sometimes.

[D]

I do.

[B]

Okay, good.

[C]

But I get it because it's like.

[B]

What do you get?

[C]

It's like, this is pointless and I just don't want to be a part of it.

[B]

What's pointless about it?

[D]

They never caught anyone.

[B]

Don't.

[C]

Stop it.

[D]

They've never caught anyone. Only two people have tried since 911 and they both got on the plane. Yeah. They're over two since 2001.

[F]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah. It's all just a big racket.

[B]

It's a racket.

[A]

Sometimes I'm nice to them, though.

[B]

Why?

[A]

Just because some, like, they look sad.

[D]

Yeah, they should be.

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

No. No, they shouldn't be.

[D]

They should. No, they shouldn't.

[B]

I'll tell you why. Because of the government shutdown and stuff. They don't get paid and they.

[D]

It's a shitty joke.

[C]

It's a nice job to have, too.

[D]

I don't mind him as much now, but I used to hate him a lot.

[F]

I know.

[B]

I love them now.

[A]

Like, post 911, you hate.

[D]

I had one nice guy. No, no, that was. Good job, by the way, on 911.

[C]

Thank you. Hey. Hey, Ari. You. Good job on 911.

[D]

The last time we worked together.

[B]

Very good job. Those five massage agents that were watching.

[A]

Nice.

[B]

Oh, what is going on here?

[C]

A passport seemed to have not burnt.

[D]

Wow. I first heard about 911 in August of that year.

[F]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow.

[B]

Wow. We're getting into the really sticky territory. We may get shadow banned here, but. You comfortable?

[A]

No, I don't really know what's going on.

[B]

That's the best. That's the best to take.

[D]

That's smart. That's always smart.

[F]

I don't know.

[A]

I don't know what's going on. Bobby teaches me a lot of stuff.

[F]

Yeah? Yeah.

[D]

You go on the road with him?

[B]

Yeah, yeah, we're going tour. What, tomorrow?

[F]

Yeah, yeah yeah.

[B]

These two are opening for me on my tour.

[D]

Nice.

[B]

Until September or something or October and then we're done.

[C]

Yep.

[B]

H for your hair. Hair and hair. Hair him, you guys. I've used hims. My hair is thick.

[E]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

Hair loss doesn't fix itself, Luke. Okay? I know. You know that, right? And the earlier you back, the better hims makes starting simple with 100% online process and personalized treatment plans delivered straight to you, Luke. Okay, Aunt Randy, hear me out. It offers convenient access to a range of prescription hair loss treatments with ingredients that work, including chews, oral medications, serums and sprays. You know what? Finasteride and minoxidil, that's what it's all about. Dr. Trusted. Dude. What else, dude?

[C]

You shouldn't have to go out of your way to feel like yourself. That's what I.

[B]

That's why I like about that.

[F]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah. HIMS brings experts care straight to you with 100% online access to personalized treatments that put your goals first.

[B]

And what else, dude?

[I]

Well, I really like that there's like, flexible subscription options so you can figure out, you know, what's right for you.

[F]

Yeah.

[I]

Access to 247 provider support, once a day treatment options that fit your daily routine.

[B]

Wow. Think of him as your digital treatments. Front door that gets you back to your old self. With simple 100% online access to trusted real health concerns all in one place.

[E]

For simple online access to personalized and affordable care for hair loss, weight loss and more, visit hims.combelly that's hims.combelly for your free online visit hims.combelly Featured products

[G]

include compounded drug products which the FDA does not approve or verify for safety, effectiveness or quality. Prescription required. See website for full details, restrictions, and important safety information. Individual results may vary based on studies of topical and oral minoxidil and finasteride.

[B]

Helix for your sleep. Ah, Helix for your sleep. I have three bedrooms in my house. Every bedroom has a Helix mattress. I'll tell you why. Okay. I want any guest to sleep at my house. Luke. Right? And have them have the best rest of their life. Okay. Helix helps you sleep better. A study they ran found that 82% Luke of those involved saw an increase in their deep sleep cycle while sleeping on a Helix mattress.

[E]

Wow.

[F]

Yeah.

[C]

Super important for your health.

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

What else, guys?

[I]

Well, I've been at Bobby's house a lot, and I've been sleeping in his beds a lot. He hasn't been aware of this. I just kind of come in and sleep in his beds. I noticed there's been a huge upgrade in beds. It really just improved my sleep and everything. And I had a. I had a problem in my neck where I wouldn't be able to sleep good with my neck. But the Helix mattress literally fixed.

[B]

I remember that one night, you're like, my neck feels better. It's.

[F]

Yeah, yeah.

[C]

What I really like about Helix is the seamless delivery, by the way. It comes right to your door.

[B]

It does.

[C]

Little box.

[B]

What do you mean in a little box?

[C]

Yeah, it's like a box. It's tiny when you open it up and there's this giant, beautiful, plush mattress on the inside.

[B]

So cool.

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

You know all about it. I do, yeah. I know you do because you've opened my boxes before.

[C]

You haven't let me sleep over.

[F]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

Look it as allowed.

[C]

I know.

[I]

I wasn't sure if the Helix mattress was going to be right for me, but I was comfortable getting it because they have 120 night sleep trial, limited lifetime warranty. So for my whole life I'll know I could have this Helix mattress.

[B]

Yeah. Wow.

[E]

Go to helixsleep.com tigerbelly for 27% off site wide. That's helixleep.com tigerbelly for 27 percent off site wide. Make sure you enter our show name after checkout so they know we sent you. Helixleep.com TigerBelly My name is Mackenzie and

[H]

I started a GoFundMe for the adoptive mother of a non verbal autistic child. The mother had lost her job because she wasn't able to find adequate care for this autistic child. So she really needed some help with living expenses, paying some back bills. So I launched a GoFundMe to help support them during this crisis. And we raised about $10,000 within just a couple of months. I think that the surprising thing was by telling a clear story and just like really being very clear about what we needed, we had some really generous donations from people who were really moved by the situation that this family was struggling with.

[D]

GoFundMe is the world's number one fundraising platform, trusted by over 200 million people. Start your GoFundMe today at gofundme.com that's gofundme.com gofundme.com this podcast is supported by GoFundMe. Australia before.

[A]

I feel like you have.

[B]

I've been to Australia before. Yeah. But I've never gone, hey, where's the. Did you do play?

[C]

Yeah, that seems.

[D]

No, they're out there for nickels.

[B]

There's no guitar center.

[F]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

Imagine going in there, just seeing 15 guys just checking it out.

[C]

They never buy.

[B]

They never buy it.

[C]

Yeah, these guys never buy.

[B]

Just put it back on the thing.

[D]

If 15 guys are playing Didoo.

[F]

You just.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And they never say, george Harrison used to play this.

[F]

You know what I mean?

[B]

This type of dis. We do, you know Cuz you have those guitars, you know what I mean? Like, this is the one that Bob Dylan did and then you.

[C]

Same color.

[B]

Yeah, same color. Yeah.

[F]

Yeah. They never do that.

[B]

But if this war continues, then they're going to be in a recession. There's going to be a global recession.

[C]

Yeah, but that's when people need comedy the most.

[A]

Yeah. I feel like you're, like, acting too far.

[D]

Can't be reading the news this way.

[B]

What do you mean?

[C]

Thank you, Ari.

[D]

Letting it affect you in a way that's like.

[B]

What do you mean? People are being affected.

[D]

There might be this. If this. Then there might be this.

[B]

Yeah. That's called foresight.

[D]

It's over and over again.

[B]

It's called for.

[D]

It is called forin. She got a good point there. Tell me, do you believe in that forkin? Yeah, I think it's a myth.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

I've never seen it.

[B]

Are you supervised?

[D]

Yeah. Dude, wait, I'm not sure, actually.

[F]

Yeah, don't, please.

[B]

Yeah, let me see it. Let me see it.

[A]

It's a Snickers bar.

[F]

Let me see it.

[E]

Oh, God.

[B]

Let me see it.

[A]

Are you looking r. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

Whoa, dude, you need reduction on the testicle.

[D]

I need. Yeah, I need Lesty's testes.

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

Pull that out, please. Take it out. Take it out, take it out. Take it out, please.

[C]

Do you have knee problems?

[B]

I'm sorry.

[C]

Those testicles are huge, dude.

[A]

I saw them.

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

He goes, bert Kreisler. Are you in terms of testicles?

[F]

Dude, I've seen both.

[D]

Both.

[A]

They look like a boil.

[B]

The best photo I have is you pooing at Skankfest.

[F]

Yeah.

[D]

You said you. We were there for that.

[B]

No, but I have a photo. I mean, it was passed around to everybody. The greatest photos ever made.

[D]

Oh, I got in trouble for that.

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

Did you really?

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Did you know when you pooed on stage?

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Is that an open or a closer?

[C]

Yeah, it's hard.

[B]

You can't open with that.

[D]

Get up with it.

[F]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

And you're like, what follows that?

[D]

And now for my ruminations on relationships

[C]

I'll ever notice.

[D]

You ever just use a dryer and not the washer? Boys, come on.

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

Do you close with it?

[D]

Yeah, I close with it. Well, it opened to close. Yeah.

[A]

Do you get anxiety when you have to poop on stage?

[D]

It's not like it's a. Yeah.

[E]

I like the rumor is you do this often.

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

Is that as a closer? Every time.

[C]

Yeah. I also like the insider actor studio, like, style of question.

[D]

Like so.

[C]

Yeah, that's a little bit about your process. What are you eating prior to sitting on stage?

[D]

I actually ate a lot of like, Vienna sausages. I really had to make sure it happened.

[B]

Did you take a laxative?

[D]

I didn't take a laxative. Would have been smart. But I did have like some sort something like I was taking antibiotics before.

[F]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[D]

And then. Don't ask. And then. And then a lot of Vienna.

[F]

Also.

[B]

I want to ask.

[D]

What?

[B]

I don't know.

[D]

I don't know what the antibiotics were. I was on them.

[B]

For what?

[D]

An infection of some kind.

[F]

Okay.

[D]

To be an infection.

[B]

All right.

[D]

What else do you on antibiotics for?

[B]

Yeah, but if you don't know where the effect infection. I don't remember.

[D]

It's two years ago.

[A]

Maybe it was from his foot. Latin foot.

[F]

Oh, yeah.

[D]

Maybe it's trench foot that called back.

[A]

I know. Bad.

[C]

Really bad.

[D]

Backdoor shift today.

[B]

She still works. She's not a paid regular yet. She's still working on callbacks.

[D]

Yeah.

[G]

All right.

[B]

He's not like him.

[F]

You know what I mean?

[B]

You'll get there. You'll know about callback because you're supposed to repeat exactly what the callback. I know. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. His bomb bastic the chew.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Explosion would have been funny.

[A]

Explosion.

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay. Anyway, let's move on from the infection. Yeah.

[D]

Ate a lot of Vienna sausages. And then. And then I was like, don't take a dump today.

[B]

Like, how hard is that?

[D]

It was hard, but also I had to shove up my butt stuff.

[C]

That's so funny.

[D]

Like, what Note, I was announcing my Netflix special.

[F]

Oh.

[D]

So I just shove a folded up piece of paper up there. Oh, yeah. I asked for a piece of paper and they brought me like, cardstock. And I'm like, this won't. No, no, no. Thin, thin paper.

[B]

So you're doing magic.

[D]

I was doing magic.

[F]

Yeah.

[D]

So I Shit.

[B]

And then I pulled sleight of butt

[D]

out of the shit. Slide of butt. Slide of butt is nice.

[B]

Slide of butt, dude.

[C]

I like that.

[F]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

And so how long was that piece of paper stuck up there?

[D]

A few hours.

[B]

Wow. You felt it?

[D]

I felt it the whole time.

[F]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

And. But did you know you had to take a. Yeah, I had to take a.

[D]

The whole time?

[F]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[D]

I had to hold it.

[B]

You had to hold the poo, right? Yeah, by doing whatever that that is, you know, angling.

[A]

What? What did people say when you were

[D]

pooping on stage, there's a sound they make.

[B]

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Let me guess. Can we all guess? What? The sound. If I saw it.

[C]

Okay. Yeah.

[B]

I be like. I'd be like,

[D]

all right, all right.

[B]

What's yours?

[A]

No, you go first.

[F]

Yeah, that's perfect. Yeah.

[B]

What's your sound? I see. Oh, you would have vomited.

[C]

I'm shocked.

[B]

My.

[C]

It's a little shocked.

[B]

But it. To us, it would have been. I love crazy.

[C]

Yes, that would have been.

[B]

Yeah. I mean, in my mind, I'm like. Like that might have been the craziest thing I've ever seen live as a stand up on stage.

[C]

Yeah, that's insane.

[B]

So I would have been like, oh, literally. Literally, yeah.

[D]

Jeff. So on stage was Jeff Ross and Tony Hinchcliffe, two Roast guys who are quick. And they both were like, later. Like, I couldn't think. I wasn't even thinking. I was just a fan. I wasn't even thinking. Supposed to make jokes now.

[B]

God, you blew away roasters.

[D]

Blu Ray roasters.

[F]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

Can I ask another question? Logistically, like, so.

[B]

So you don't steal it. That's hack.

[A]

What?

[B]

Don't steal that move.

[D]

I'm not gonna do that. You can do it tonight.

[A]

Oh, just.

[F]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[D]

Australia. Yeah, but in Australia, it's. It's a different hemisphere, so you gotta suck it in. Gotta take someone else's dump and suck it.

[F]

Yeah.

[A]

So you finished your set and then you pull your pants down and was there like a few minutes before the poop came or was it just immediately poop?

[D]

It's a good question. That's a great question.

[F]

Yeah.

[C]

Doing the rounds.

[D]

I actually had some stage.

[A]

Right.

[D]

That's kind of sucked back.

[B]

You scared or was your butthole scared?

[D]

My butthole was like, this is unsc.

[F]

Yeah, but.

[B]

Well, you were fine.

[D]

I was like, come on.

[B]

It's like your mind, right?

[D]

It's like we want to get up.

[B]

Observing your thoughts.

[E]

What?

[B]

Eckart told says we do that with our butt.

[D]

Eckart would have loved this.

[F]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

We observe the butt. Right. But that's not who you are.

[A]

It's not your conscience.

[F]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

It's something else. It's a muscle. Okay. It's in. Very interesting. So you're fine. Your butthole's freaking out.

[D]

Hey, can one of you guys go to my car and get. I got a present for you guys.

[B]

If it's poo, I don't want it.

[A]

I don't want it.

[F]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[C]

I don't like.

[B]

Yeah, I don't like. I don't like your presence.

[D]

Like the lifted back thing. Okay.

[B]

I don't like your presence, though.

[D]

What?

[F]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[D]

You love my presence. My presence and my presence.

[B]

I like your presence. Your presence, though. Like. Like the poo in the handle.

[D]

Yeah.

[F]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[C]

What's the poo in the handle?

[A]

Poo in the hand. Hand.

[E]

Oh, they don't know.

[B]

Oh, you don't know about the pooh and the handle? Have we talked about the pooh and the handle?

[E]

They don't know, though, which is crazy.

[B]

Yeah. How do you know about the pooh and the handle?

[C]

I've never heard of before. No. What is this?

[A]

You guys have a little, like, the poo.

[E]

You got a poo fetish?

[D]

He's one of my biggest mentors. I was talking to you in an interview about today.

[B]

I wonder, was Pooh mentors? I don't know.

[D]

He was. He's number three. He was like. He was like, hey, whatever you saw in Carson, this ain't that.

[B]

That's not. No, no. We're at a little com.

[D]

Store.

[F]

Yeah, We.

[B]

We. I'll go to the App Edge.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Of it all.

[F]

Yeah, yeah.

[D]

Let's do dark and then go to Mr. Pizza.

[F]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

Wow. Mr. Remember that place on Fairfax?

[D]

They. Bobby used to tip more than anybody, and then when we came in, they were like, it's all full. They say, bobby. They'd be like, bobby. And they're like, right this way. And they're like, get the out of here. Bobby Lee's here.

[F]

Yeah.

[D]

They clear tables for you?

[F]

Yeah.

[E]

Damn.

[C]

Bobby lives for that.

[A]

I think he loved that.

[B]

No, it's because I tip well.

[C]

Yeah, but I mean, I think you like that moment. You live for that.

[D]

But they wouldn't really.

[B]

Even then, though. But even then, I didn't have the money to do what. I did it anyway.

[G]

Yeah.

[B]

I owed you, remember? I. I owed you four grand.

[D]

I do remember that.

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

I paid you back.

[F]

You did, yeah. Yeah.

[B]

But that was before the. After the violence.

[D]

After the violence is the answer.

[B]

We're not. We're not going back to the violence.

[C]

We're not talking violence.

[B]

Yeah, we're not talking violent. You want to talk about the.

[D]

When I think of you, I don't think of the violent years. I thought you were the mentor years.

[F]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

The pre. Pre violence.

[D]

Pre violence.

[F]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[C]

What did he loan you four grand for?

[D]

For rent or something?

[F]

No, no, no.

[B]

I was. I had vlab.

[D]

Oh, yeah, Yeah.

[B]

I had A relapsed and I was burning through mad TV money. Yeah. And I burned through all of it.

[C]

Really?

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

And I needed four grand to pay my. My mortgage.

[D]

Pill dealer.

[B]

For a pill dealer. Yeah, I was a pill dealer.

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

But I was in debt.

[D]

I got you guys this because discussion is actually perfect.

[C]

Oh, my God.

[E]

What the.

[B]

What is it? Oh, wow.

[C]

Wow.

[B]

Very cool. And that's for us.

[D]

That's for you guys. Yeah,

[F]

yeah.

[C]

Ye.

[D]

It. It's brand new.

[F]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

Brand new. Now, are you. Did you get me this? Because I'm getting old.

[A]

Is there poop in there?

[D]

There's no. Hopefully not.

[B]

There's no poo in there. Is there poo in there?

[G]

I check.

[B]

No.

[F]

Okay, good.

[C]

Good.

[B]

That's a good employee.

[F]

Good, good.

[D]

That's a good employee.

[B]

That's a good.

[D]

That's dirt's just outside, boss.

[B]

That's just pollen.

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

And you bought that specifically for the podcast or me?

[F]

For you, yeah. Why?

[D]

Housewarming. I never got your housewarming.

[C]

Oh, okay.

[B]

Oh, that's really nice.

[D]

Just in case you're out of the that and you don't want to go in, but you got.

[B]

I think that should be over there. George, can you put it there, please? Thank you.

[A]

So is that a squatty? Potty?

[D]

No, no, no, no, no.

[B]

There's no squat.

[D]

It's just like a. It's a transportable potty.

[C]

Yeah, that's just a potty. Yeah. Wow, that's so cool.

[B]

Thank you. Really nice.

[A]

So do you have to get rid of your own poo in that bowl?

[D]

Yeah.

[F]

Well, you can.

[B]

What do you think? Well, like you can nature. Get rid of it through time.

[D]

It's more of an opener's job.

[F]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

It turns into fertilizer events eventually.

[D]

Yeah. A lot of fruits and vegetables.

[F]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

But anyway, so the, the poo story, please.

[E]

I can't believe it's just there.

[B]

Yes, it's going to be there. Well, we've talked about this before. What do you think? Should we say it again?

[E]

I mean, you should explain it to

[B]

them because there's probably because of education. Education.

[E]

New audience doesn't know.

[B]

New audience doesn't know. So I made the mistake. It's a three prong.

[D]

It's a three pronged.

[B]

It's a three prongd. One, I made the. I did the mistake of peeing on his car. Whose car?

[D]

Jim Painters.

[B]

Oh, I, I. Yeah. So Jim Painter was a comic, and I made the mistake of peeing on his car.

[D]

Okay. No, back Up. He said keep back up.

[B]

There's more.

[D]

Yeah, you got to keep back all these where you, like, get to the end. Be like, oh, wait, what caused it? What caused it? What caused it?

[C]

Yes.

[B]

Oh, there's cause and effect.

[D]

This pause.

[B]

Oh, I see. I didn't know, Bobby. I didn't know.

[E]

Only effect.

[B]

I thought P was the beginning.

[D]

No, yeah, no, no.

[B]

He was not the beginning. All right.

[D]

Okay, okay.

[B]

Back.

[D]

Back up, back up, back up, back up.

[B]

Back that up.

[D]

In Escondido, there was a man who thought he could take advantage of a defenseless child. Forward 20 years. Bobby likes.

[B]

That was Minnesota.

[D]

It was Minnesota.

[F]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

Where's Escondido? Near po. You mean the molestation?

[F]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

That was Minnesota.

[D]

You had to go on the road to get it.

[B]

No, I. I lived in Minnesota.

[D]

Oh, what?

[F]

Yeah.

[D]

I didn't know that.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, I did. For 10 years.

[D]

He likes doing hugs. Occasionally he would take his dick out.

[B]

Like.

[D]

Like jackass.

[B]

Gay.

[C]

Yes.

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

Jackass. Jackass.

[A]

He just took your dick out?

[D]

What?

[F]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

Oh, you're saying that you learned that from me?

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Mentor the master.

[F]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

I'm the mat. Yeah, yeah.

[E]

That's my favorite bow, dude. It's like a templar.

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

Wait, wait, don't do that.

[F]

Please don't do that. Listen to me.

[B]

Okay, first of all, first of all, I think that's an exaggeration. I think that was always in you. Oh, oh.

[C]

You brought it out of him. But that's what it really is.

[D]

The wizard. You had the power all along.

[F]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[D]

Your penis was there.

[F]

No.

[B]

You hang out with like minded people, and it's always in them to behave in this way.

[D]

Maybe that's what brought drew you to me, because you weren't. You didn't help every door.

[B]

Another thing that you did was when you first started doing comedy, you mimicked some of my styling, probably.

[F]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

And you. If I would get a wristband, a sweatband. You would get a sweatband.

[D]

Well, the difference was you were scared. I was a poser.

[B]

Oh.

[D]

So I.

[B]

Wait, wait. I was scared skater. Oh, skater. I never skated.

[D]

Poser. You can skate.

[B]

I can skate a little bit.

[F]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I can.

[B]

But you were a poser. Yeah, So I would. Oh, yeah.

[D]

That style was so called. Toy machine.

[F]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

So I would wear toy machines. You know what I mean? I'd wear sweatbands, skate shoes like the new Jeff Rawley's, Right?

[D]

Oh, yeah. The wrist with the colored wristband. It was so cool.

[F]

Yeah, yeah.

[D]

Imagine taking fashion advice from Bobby. And I did. I was like, this guy's so stylish. I want to emulate him.

[B]

Also on stage, you would hold a mic in a certain way. That was like, my style. Yeah, that's me, Ari, back in the. Look how tan I was.

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

Wow.

[D]

Oh, yeah, There's a wristband.

[B]

There's a wristband, right?

[F]

Yeah yeah yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

And I stopped wearing it because you started wearing it.

[F]

Yeah.

[A]

Who is that guy?

[B]

That's a guy by the name of Paul Hughes.

[F]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay.

[F]

Yeah yeah, yeah.

[D]

A good show in, like, Vegas or something.

[C]

It's funny, you guys chose the least stylish photo of Bobby I've ever seen in my entire life. He's just wearing a.

[B]

Still raw denim.

[E]

Raw denim.

[C]

Still great.

[B]

Still raw denim.

[A]

Really raw denim.

[B]

Yeah, still raw denim. Look at. Look at the knees.

[A]

Oh, you. Look at your little face.

[F]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

So anyway.

[A]

So chubby.

[D]

Yeah. When the. Was that?

[B]

I don't know when that.

[D]

Where was this? Yeah. 2003. What the Getty. Why does Getty own my image?

[B]

I. I have no idea.

[D]

Michael Schwartz. Oh, he used to be around.

[E]

This is at the Ice House.

[B]

At the Ice House. Oh, I see. And Paul Hughes, apparently is giving me comedy tips.

[D]

How dare you. How are we also close to each other?

[B]

Yeah, I have no idea. Well, maybe you're a little gay.

[F]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[D]

Learn from you, Bob.

[B]

Yeah.

[F]

Okay, so.

[B]

So let's go back to the.

[D]

Okay, so now he likes doing some gay stuff and he knows there's limits.

[B]

Can we just go to pee? Let's go.

[D]

So you try to give Jim a hug. You're like, jim, give me a hug. And Jim was a very kind of. He was like, I don't. I'm from, like, rural. Like, I don't play that at all. Jim, give me a hug or I'm gonna piss on your car. Ah. And that's when Jim was like, well,

[B]

in my culture, if I ask for a hug, I want a hug.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

You know what I mean? And I think in many cultures it's that way.

[D]

Way.

[C]

For a long time.

[B]

It was for a long time. It's. In some cultures, they kiss on the cheek.

[C]

We do it all day long.

[B]

Men do, right? Yeah. So it's like. To me, it was a cultural denial.

[D]

Denial of culture. And just like.

[B]

And racism.

[D]

West Hollywood culture and racism. Double cultural denial.

[C]

I like how you turn pissing onto somebody's car into like a. A hero story.

[E]

The hero's journey.

[D]

You Were.

[B]

Well, there are consequences to one's actions.

[D]

Consequence.

[B]

You have to comply. That's a universal law.

[F]

Law.

[D]

This actually reminds me of a story.

[B]

You. You. You attack Iran in behalf of Israel.

[D]

You're the Israeli, he's the Palestinian.

[C]

Now we're.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, Exactly.

[D]

Do what I said.

[B]

Stuck in a quagmire. Right? And these are consequences of one's action.

[D]

Also to. To back you up on this. We've all done that. Said something. I'm like, maybe I shouldn't have said it. You had no choice.

[C]

Now. Yes.

[D]

You will never get respect anymore if you go, okay, I got to put. I got to.

[B]

You have to double down.

[D]

Your dick is a hat. Toi Hannah. Hanzo. It must.

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

Let me tell you something, dude. It was manufactured in Japan.

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

By a samurai. An ancient samurai, FYI.

[F]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

So did you know that?

[C]

I did not.

[B]

It's new news.

[D]

Japanese.

[B]

Wait, no, my penis is so.

[D]

Oh, okay.

[F]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

I got a new Hanzo.

[A]

Congratulations. Doesn't like women because Japanese culture doesn't like women.

[B]

That's not even true. And I have no idea.

[D]

Yeah, Read all the time.

[F]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Yeah, that was patio shift now. What?

[C]

Patio shift now she's mo. Moving.

[F]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

You're not working there anymore.

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

You're a laugh actor.

[C]

You're a laugh actor now. You're a waitress at the Laugh Factory.

[D]

Laugh Factory door guys are not.

[B]

Anyway, so then I pee on his car.

[D]

He was very upset.

[B]

Very upset about it. Although, can I make an argument of peeing one's car, please?

[D]

And this, by the way, this was on the front bumper. Exactly like it's not in the car.

[B]

Right? So what I'm saying is, is that, you know, I mean, it's a minor.

[D]

Minor infraction.

[B]

Infraction beyond minor. But he. How about you?

[C]

Beyond minor. You drive through worse probably in LA every single day.

[B]

Cogs. You know what I mean? You know what I mean?

[A]

Wait, but was it in front of him?

[B]

Yes, of course. It has to lock eyes.

[D]

And his friends. And he locked eyes.

[B]

You have to lock on his friends.

[A]

So you just.

[B]

And with a smile, like.

[D]

And he said, do not do it.

[A]

And what type of car?

[D]

Beat up old car.

[B]

Beat up old car. It doesn't matter.

[A]

Okay?

[B]

Now, if it was a Tim Dillon car, obviously I would not do it.

[C]

Of course.

[D]

Let's do it to the night. Have you ever. Have you ever. Have you ever pissed on a Rolls Royce? Dude, let's.

[E]

Let's go piss on his bucket list.

[B]

So nice.

[D]

What's that gonna do?

[F]

Yeah, yeah.

[D]

Hit us with one of his rich canes.

[B]

He does have many rich canes. So anyway, let me think about that.

[F]

Okay, okay. Yeah.

[B]

He deserves it, I think, is he flaked on me.

[D]

He's the number one flake.

[F]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

A week couple weeks ago, he fully flaked on me. And so maybe he doesn't deserve a little PP on his.

[D]

I asked him to do my storytelling show, the one that's out. And he was like, yes, I'll do it. And then I'm like. I was like, tim Dylan's doing. I'm like, tim Dylan said he's doing it.

[F]

Yeah, yeah.

[D]

And then like a week later, still like a month out, he goes, he's not doing it. Everyone's like, disappointed. Like, it's better. He told us now.

[F]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

He was always cancel on me day of that's hit.

[D]

That's Tim Dillon.

[B]

That's Tim Dillon. How many times have we booked him on the show and he never even showed? We were just sitting here waiting for him. I think three. Yeah, Three times, dude.

[D]

I've gone to my studio studio for my podcast in New York. He goes, oh, sorry, buddy. The flight. I couldn't get on because I'm like, now.

[F]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[D]

What are you talking does. That doesn't make sense.

[B]

You're supposed to be here. I'm in the Hamptons.

[F]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

That's all the way across the other side of the country.

[D]

I don't think I'm gonna make it. You don't think?

[F]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

You're in the Hamptons. You're never gonna get here anyway. So that let's. That's a great proposition. Okay, Right. And let me consider it.

[D]

Ruminate.

[B]

Let me ruminate it. Consider. You know what I mean?

[D]

Let me. Let me take a dump on this.

[F]

Yeah, yeah, Take a dump on that.

[D]

Please.

[B]

Please.

[F]

Yeah.

[D]

Okay. Okay.

[B]

All right. So I pee on his car.

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

And he's mad, obviously.

[D]

He takes it as not just repeat on my car, but also that was demeaning on purpose in front of my friends.

[A]

In front of his friends is kind added detail.

[F]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[D]

Tim Dylan get passed by Mitzy.

[F]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

That's not real.

[D]

Doesn't matter.

[B]

That's not real. Yeah. Spade not real.

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

They didn't get passed by Mitzvah and you didn't get passed by Mitzi. That's true.

[D]

Christie was the last one.

[B]

What?

[D]

Kevin Christie was the last one.

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

Kevin Christie. And who got Kevin Kiss straight into comedy?

[D]

You did.

[B]

I did.

[D]

Who did all the art for my new storytelling show?

[B]

Kevin Christie.

[D]

That's right.

[B]

Right? Because of me.

[D]

Because of you.

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

Got us all together.

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

It's all a circle of life.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

It's like the Lion King. Okay, so what's this?

[E]

You said Sam Triple. You hit his car?

[F]

Oh.

[B]

Oh, yeah. Oh, shoot.

[F]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[D]

You hit his car. What? How did you think you were gonna get out? What was the angle on that?

[B]

I had relapsed.

[E]

You relapsed?

[B]

Relapse.

[D]

Are you a drunk driver?

[B]

No, I wasn't drunk driving and I purposely did it.

[D]

You saw Cambodia? There look like a different thing.

[E]

Why is your face shaped like that?

[B]

Well, because I have Cambodian looks.

[A]

It looks like V from Vendetta.

[F]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

When I get angry, I turn Cambodian dude. Like Pol Pot.

[D]

God.

[F]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

So, bunny face.

[D]

You look like. Who's the guy? It was a horror movie where he played a witch. Building dolls.

[F]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, Nicholas Cage.

[F]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[F]

Look how.

[D]

What a fat piece of Triple.

[F]

Is there? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

Look at this.

[D]

Wait, who's got the camera?

[B]

I don't know who has the camera,

[D]

but who's filming for the other? There's two cameras here.

[B]

Exactly. I don't know what the hell the thing is, but I had to pay $5,000 for that.

[D]

You smashed into his car?

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

Anyway, let's go back to the. The. The saga.

[D]

So you saw he was mad, and you're like, I might have gone too far. But.

[B]

But let. Let me ask you something.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

To. To. To the judge, please. Jury. Right.

[C]

Thank you.

[B]

And I only peed on his bump bumper.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

In the front.

[C]

Only bumper.

[B]

Yeah. Only bumper. So now do you think that. What. What. What consequences do I deserve there?

[C]

Can I ask a question? How long have you been a paid regular at this point?

[B]

Me?

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

Since before we got there. Which means he was always a paper.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I've always been one.

[C]

Elder.

[B]

I'm an elder.

[D]

Elder. Yeah.

[F]

Okay.

[B]

I'm an elder.

[F]

Yeah.

[A]

Can I ask.

[B]

I'm the Ayatollah.

[C]

Judge Rue.

[F]

Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

If you want to go back to war and.

[C]

Because you use that word and he's not Israel.

[B]

Israel. No. He's a Congo.

[A]

How much water did you drink?

[B]

What?

[A]

How much water did you drink that day?

[D]

Good question.

[B]

I don't drink a lot of water.

[D]

I don't remember being an exceptionally long pee.

[B]

Thank you so much. That's my defense.

[C]

But the. See, if it's not a long pee, it's a smelly pee because it's dehydrated.

[F]

Yeah.

[D]

A Red Bull extra yellow, longer clear pee is less damaging than.

[B]

Although, can I say that I'm a yellow person. The insides are yellow. It makes it yellower.

[D]

Yeah, it's an optical illusion.

[B]

It's an optical.

[C]

It's actually clear.

[F]

Yeah, it's.

[B]

Yeah, it was actually clear. P. Yeah.

[D]

Glasses. So you can't see Bobby.

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

Right. Yeah, he can't see me right now.

[C]

He's only listening.

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

So what I'm saying is, is that. What do you think now, with all the evidence that you have.

[C]

Not guilty, dude. Embarrassing.

[B]

Yet we have to score.

[D]

Yet defense calls more details.

[A]

Exactly.

[D]

So Bobby says, okay, and just said, I thought you were like, I went far. I could see you're angry. Whether or not I was wrong, I'm going to be a gentleman about this. Tell me if I'm wrong, and I'm going to take you, Jim, out for a sandwich at Jerry's Deli.

[C]

Okay?

[A]

Sandwich.

[D]

We could. We were poor, okay? Bobby was the only one buying us meals.

[E]

Different Bobby.

[B]

Different Bobby and I always buy people's meals.

[E]

No, I mean, like, let me buy nicer stuff.

[C]

Yeah. Now you're.

[B]

He's saying, wait, wait, wait.

[D]

Let me.

[B]

Let's get this correct. Yeah. Can we get this correct?

[F]

Right?

[B]

How many meals have I bought you, Ramsey?

[C]

I've eaten like a king because of you, Bobby. But I think the.

[B]

Okay, no, no, I'm not done.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

All right. I am not done.

[C]

You're not done?

[B]

All right. How many meals have I bought you? I'm not using it against you because I'm happy to do it. And I've always done that through the history of time.

[A]

Maybe four or five.

[B]

Okay.

[D]

To me. But to me.

[B]

How many meals have I bought you?

[D]

Hundreds.

[B]

Okay. Thank you so much. How many?

[E]

Thousands.

[B]

Okay, so here we go. What the hell? All right. What do you mean, what the hell?

[A]

I only got four or five.

[B]

You're new, right? Become a paid regular. And I also don't want to pay, too.

[E]

Economy's tough, man.

[B]

It's. Economy's tough, dude. All right. I gotta pay for your friend, too. So. So. All right. So.

[D]

So the. No, that's not a good. That's a big. That was a big get.

[C]

That's a big get.

[D]

We couldn't afford that on our own.

[C]

Yes, I hear.

[B]

So did I buy him? Did I buy him juries?

[D]

Well, extra detail.

[F]

Yeah.

[D]

As soon as you and this you'll be like this.

[F]

Yeah.

[D]

You're like, jim, let me take you out for a meal.

[B]

Meal.

[D]

And then me and Aaron cater. No, no. Me and Mike Black.

[F]

Yeah.

[D]

Me and my Black.

[F]

Yeah.

[D]

We're like, we're like, can we come?

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

Even though we weren't part of it.

[F]

Yeah, yeah.

[D]

Bobby said yes.

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

That's a big meal too, if Mike Black's there.

[D]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

Oh, yeah. That was five people.

[D]

Five sandwiches.

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

Five extra people.

[D]

Fries. Steak fries.

[B]

Steak fries. Dude.

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

I don't chance. What? No. I don't know.

[D]

You don't chintz so close to that sounds like.

[B]

Yeah, but isn't that a word?

[F]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

It's an old timey word about I'm not cheap.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

I don't chintz.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

That word will give you rickets.

[F]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

Okay.

[D]

And so then we finished the meal.

[B]

I paid with Jim.

[D]

Obvious.

[B]

But, but let me ask you this.

[D]

Pay for me too.

[B]

In the dinner, you think that James Painter was ruminating about revenue revenge?

[D]

I think he was in the process of forgiving you. I think he was letting it out. And he goes, he's expressed remorse. That's in his head.

[B]

And I did.

[D]

Yeah. And. Right. And he goes that he did this for me. I actually desperately need a meal. I love it. Okay, great. And then Mike went to take a dump. He takes dumps as soon as the meal's over and whips him out fast.

[B]

It takes a lot of dumping.

[D]

We went to feed. And then we were like, let's go back to our cars. We drove separately. Bobby parked over there.

[E]

There.

[D]

Jim parked over there.

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

And then I, I, I believe a fib is about to happen.

[D]

Oh, no.

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

Oh.

[C]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

Yeah. I feel like the current. Order, order, order.

[C]

The defense has the floor.

[D]

Oh, no, no.

[B]

All right, all right.

[G]

I can finish this story. Story. Knowing the rule of comedy, I think right now.

[D]

So, so Bobby's like, are we good? And Jim really feels it.

[B]

Yes.

[D]

When you get a real apology from someone, you do. You get that moment of like, that was, I, I see you mean it and I'm, I'm okay with it. I, of course I was hurt, but we're done. And hopefully that behavior will never happen again. You don't say that, but that's what's going on in your mind. We're getting ready to leave. Bobby goes over to his car and on his way to his car, waiting for Mike Black. So we're across the street and down just a touch. And then Bobby Pulled his dick out and pissed all over Jim's door and then jumped in his car and drove off.

[A]

Bobby,

[C]

That's tough. That's really tough.

[E]

He'll find a way to get up. He'll find a way. You'll find a way.

[F]

You know me.

[B]

I believe Bobby. I'm not done.

[C]

It's not done.

[D]

Objection or no?

[B]

What?

[D]

Objection or no?

[B]

Object.

[D]

Okay, what's your objection?

[B]

Object. I don't recall that.

[D]

Dude, you nailed it so hard.

[B]

It was so well played, number one. I don't recall it. Right. I really.

[F]

Because.

[B]

Because he would. To me, it's like, once I mend with a nation. Yeah, right. I cease to the. The negotiation.

[D]

I think what.

[B]

And that's who. That's who I am as a person.

[D]

I think you handle like Columbia.

[C]

Excuse me, Repeat that. Once you mend.

[B]

No, what I'm saying is, like, once I negotiate. Right. And I apologize to a nation. Yeah, right. That I did something wrong. Right. And we do a settled agreement. Right. I. I don't. Don't go back and rip it up.

[D]

Okay. Can I tell you something else? That's a good leader. That's like a good leader.

[A]

That's like a North Korean.

[D]

But now you're also a comedian. So now imagine if you got Benjamin.

[F]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[D]

And Yasa Arafat. Is he still the guy in charge?

[B]

I don't know.

[C]

He's been dead for 40 years.

[F]

What?

[D]

I'm just finding out right now.

[B]

It's okay. It's okay. We'll mourn him later.

[D]

And what's. He made a big deal. They made a big peace deal. And it's like, oh, my God, this is like crazy. Now they're in front of the cameras and they're gonna shake hands and it's gonna be this massive moment. Everyone on nations around the world, look. But you're Benjamin. Are you? And you're also a comedian. You're a comedian. So Arafat goes to shake your hand and you know, this is peace. But then you go, yep, psych.

[E]

Get him with the psych.

[D]

It's because it's funny and you know it'd be funny. So you're torn in two directions.

[B]

It's the itch of getting the laugh.

[D]

And you gotta laugh for me, buddy. I think it was.

[B]

So here's, here's what I'm saying. It's a high level move. All right. That's my defense.

[E]

Okay.

[B]

All right. It's good. Number one. It's. Thank you for helping me.

[A]

I don't know.

[C]

Yes,

[D]

I was like, wow.

[F]

Yeah. Yeah.

[D]

Maybe one day.

[B]

So what I want to say to you, as instinctually as a comic, right? You meet. We make this fake deal, right? That. You know what I mean? And we're. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry. Right. And then I pee on his car again. Okay. Is so funny.

[D]

It's so funny. And I don't think you planned it the whole time. I think you saw an opportunity. It was instinct for a joke. And you're like.

[B]

It was instinctual.

[F]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

And I did have to pee, and the pee was also just white.

[C]

Okay.

[F]

Okay.

[B]

So that's. That's good.

[C]

That's fresh water.

[F]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[E]

That's.

[D]

Come on the door.

[B]

All right, so that's. What is that? The end of the pee sequence.

[D]

Okay, so now I'm standing. So you both. Yeah. So end of the. End of pe.

[F]

Yeah, go ahead.

[A]

So it wasn't premeditate. Premeditational. The p. I don't think the second.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So is there a difference between attempted attempted murder or premeditated murder?

[D]

Yeah. If you were like, hey, Jim, go over there. I want to show you something. And that did. That's different.

[F]

Yeah, yeah.

[D]

You saw last second opportunity.

[F]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

It was instinctual.

[C]

Heat of the moment.

[B]

Heat of the moment.

[C]

You walked in on your wife with somebody else.

[B]

Exactly. I happen to have a shotgun.

[D]

And then you peed on it.

[F]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

The shotgun was your wiener.

[F]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

Okay.

[F]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

That.

[A]

What that felt like.

[B]

That's still open mic.

[A]

Okay. Don't pee on me, Bobby.

[B]

I don't do that anymore.

[D]

He's a different guy now.

[B]

Yeah, I'm a different guy now. So I play by the rules now. You know what I mean?

[D]

This is before you could afford it.

[A]

Like a. I think you'd pee on my car if you could.

[B]

No, I wouldn't really. No, no. I've had many opportunities. The instinct's there.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Right. And the drive is there, but the motivation is gone. I'm old man Bob.

[F]

Yeah, yeah. Okay.

[D]

Wise man Bob.

[B]

Old wise man Bob. All right, so with that. So judge.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

With that in place, with that new. Like. Like, it was just an instinct. I'm a comedian. I had to do it for. I'm not doing it for James. I'm trying to make him laugh.

[D]

You did.

[F]

Did.

[B]

And it made him laugh hysterically. The price of a laugh, James, what is that worth to you? But also, Judge, what is that worth to you?

[A]

Depends.

[C]

I mean, yeah, it's. Look, it's worth a Lot to me. But in the moment, I'm thinking of myself as James.

[D]

As James. As James.

[C]

And I. It's tough because in that moment, I'm

[D]

not mad at you.

[C]

Yeah, He. Yeah. There's no beef between you and him.

[B]

You.

[C]

You know, you're.

[D]

Well, the beef is in our bellies.

[C]

Imagine.

[B]

I understand that.

[C]

Imagine my.

[B]

When you hear. When you hear the second half of the story. You know what I mean?

[A]

Wait, this isn't even the second half.

[B]

No, no, that's. This is the beginning.

[F]

Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

This is a new hope. We're not at the J.J. abrams movies. Yeah. Okay. This is episode four. Okay. Of Star Wars. There's the Clone wars before. And then we go. You know what I mean? Okay, so here's the thing. What really astonishing about this whole set up is he had something to do with the second half.

[D]

So. So.

[F]

Oh, Oh,

[B]

I forgot something.

[D]

The first half.

[C]

No, no, no, no.

[B]

You can't say it.

[D]

Why not?

[B]

First half is over.

[C]

It's inadmissible.

[B]

It's written.

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

Oh, yeah. It'll help me. Oh, really? Whisper to remind.

[C]

Here's the thing.

[G]

And for more stories like this, check out Ari's new storytelling as they whisper this.

[C]

I just want to be clear about something. You guys are the jury, and I'm.

[B]

All right, so here we go.

[F]

Here we go.

[B]

There we go. Okay, go ahead.

[D]

So during the very first pee before it happened, Bobby was standing over his car, and he goes, give me a hug or I'm gonna pee. I believe I remember me going, bobby, if you make a threat and don't follow through, he'll never respect you pushing me.

[B]

But that still doesn't happen. Help him in the second half of the story.

[C]

It doesn't help Jim.

[B]

It doesn't help him.

[D]

No.

[F]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[C]

So you're trying to say that Ari should be on trial and not you?

[B]

I'm. I'm the victim. You're the victim. The victim. I'm the victim. Dude.

[C]

Yes.

[B]

There is a.

[D]

There's a real victim in this. And you're going to like who it is. There's a real victim in this later.

[A]

Where is Mike Black during all of this?

[D]

Mike Black is right.

[B]

As Bobby's still eating, he's taking leftovers off people's. Yeah, he's still at the restaurant.

[D]

Clear themselves. So as he's going puttering off like the Jetsons, that's when Mike Black comes out to what he's clearly sees, like, oh, there's something. They ever walk in our friends with escalation Breaking up with a girlfriend and you're like, oh. Oh, he feels it.

[F]

Yeah.

[D]

There's some anger.

[F]

Yeah. Yeah.

[D]

Jim is livid. The.

[B]

Jim's livid.

[D]

What's shaking, dude?

[B]

What's Mike's. What's Mike's.

[D]

Mike goes, what's going on?

[B]

Okay, good.

[C]

Peacemaker.

[D]

Jim is shaking with rage. I've never seen it before since.

[B]

Yeah, he can't control his body. It's white rage.

[D]

And.

[B]

Can we talk about that?

[D]

White rage is the most dangerous.

[B]

It's the most dangerous rage. Rage. You mean. It's Edomite rage.

[A]

What?

[B]

And that's something that people have to Google.

[C]

Yeah, but I mean, I know I'm a judge, but, yeah, I get it.

[A]

What's Edomite?

[C]

I'm pretty.

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

I mean, Esau. You know what I mean? You know what I mean? I think that the. Anyway, let's just move on, okay?

[C]

Yeah, let's strike that from the record.

[B]

Strike that from the record.

[C]

Strike that from the record.

[B]

But it's. Some of my friends have white rage, and the rage is they, like. I'll give you an example. Example. White people, when they serial kill, they have to do extra. They have to eat them. They have to use the skin as lampshades. You know what I mean? They have to do extra stuff, right?

[D]

You don't just punch your friend because he wronged you. You say, I'm gonna punch you every time I see you.

[B]

Yeah, this is what I. It's an old Russian reference, okay? If you hit me with a feather, I'm gonna hit you with a tank.

[A]

Yeah, that's white rage.

[D]

With a brick.

[F]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[C]

Sounds Israeli to me, but yeah, yeah,

[F]

yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

But they opted it from the Russian, right? So it's like James, this guy, this character, I'm saying, right, has that mentality now, right? It's like, you hit me with a feather, I'm gonna hit you with a tank. And I don't think that's fair.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

I mean, I think it should be eye for an eye, like the Bible.

[D]

But I don't like eye for an eye. Because if the person who started it went up to here, so he's ahead.

[B]

Yeah, but he started it by not hugging me.

[D]

But that's one way to look at it. It's one way to look at it.

[B]

It's the only way to look at it.

[C]

Elder paid regular comes up to you, wants a hug.

[F]

Yeah, yeah.

[C]

Kind of his place.

[D]

He's like, I don't. I don't do. I don't do that gay shit. Come on, man.

[C]

What part of the Comedy Store is this lot?

[D]

Lot by the door.

[F]

Yeah.

[D]

Well, first it was all over the lot, and then it was down Sunset a little bit. Running as a bobby.

[B]

Here's another.

[D]

Be able to catch up to anyone.

[B]

May I say something else?

[C]

I. I'm going to.

[F]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

Just by just that fact alone, right. He's not a paid regular.

[C]

I. Yeah, this is.

[B]

But he is. Cars in the law.

[C]

This is a huge problem. This is a. That feels like a huge.

[B]

It's a huge problem.

[C]

This is. You got in a car accident and that guy doesn't have insurance. You go, why are you even on the road?

[B]

Or license.

[C]

Yeah, why?

[D]

You're late. It was late. No, it was late. Late. Sometimes we got. We were allowed in there, but the rule is this. It wasn't promised to us 3,000 years ago. It was. It was. When it's late, we just kind of took it. This wasn't something that was promised.

[B]

Okay, whatever. My defense is this, okay? What is his car doing there in the first. First place?

[C]

This is evidence that it's really important.

[F]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

It's ego. It's like I have connections. You know what I mean? Like, I bought all the senators.

[C]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

I mean, interesting.

[C]

Interesting.

[B]

Okay.

[D]

Oh.

[F]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

Very interesting. All right, so, yeah. So now this is the main part of the story, okay.

[D]

At the end of that, okay, Jim Mike Black comes out.

[B]

Move on. Can we just move on from that chapter?

[D]

Well, let me tell you what I saw. I saw a seething Jim Painter unable. The who he wants to get revenge is gone. And I was, like, worried myself. I was like, whoa. I was like, are you mad? And he was like, I'm so mad. Like, it was like he was breaking his brain.

[F]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[D]

And I was like, are you gonna get him back?

[B]

Yes.

[D]

And now Jim's mind, it went. It went. Piss.

[B]

Okay.

[D]

Make apology. Re.

[B]

Piss. Okay, okay, okay. All right.

[F]

Yes.

[B]

I didn't see that part.

[D]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

Because I just drove off.

[D]

That's fun. With friends.

[F]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

With a cackle.

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

With my infamous cackle.

[D]

Again.

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

You know what I mean?

[D]

Again.

[B]

Driving into the night, you know what I mean?

[A]

Little do you know, he's planning your murder.

[B]

Yeah. I didn't see the rage part. Yeah, right.

[F]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

The trembling or.

[D]

And I was like, I gotta. I might have to talk this.

[B]

I was like, right, yeah. Now, now, let me tell you about. Right? White rage.

[D]

Okay.

[F]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

And let me tell you about how Brick is what.

[D]

He's gonna tank you.

[B]

He's gonna tank you. Right? The precision. Right. The planning.

[D]

Can I tell what he. This is what he told me, though. I was like, what are you gonna do? Like, I was worried.

[F]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[D]

He goes, I'm gonna. On his car.

[B]

Okay, so.

[C]

Tank shaking.

[F]

Yeah, the tank shaking.

[B]

So let me ask you, judge, if I may, right? Does P go straight to poo? And that's a philosophical question.

[C]

It's a great philosophical question.

[F]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

2Ps, 2P. Yeah, just 2P's and aggression versus a lot of poo.

[D]

It's not like, oh, shit.

[B]

What you're saying.

[D]

I didn't mean to.

[B]

What you're saying is you didn't save the poo.

[D]

An aggressive.

[B]

You didn't save the poo.

[D]

Hold on.

[F]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

Wait, wait. He saved the poo.

[C]

Please refrain from asking the defense any question. Yeah, yeah, I will ask the question.

[F]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Was it your counselor?

[D]

So this is where you're going to. This is where you're going to be at. Interested, especially.

[B]

Okay.

[D]

So a few nights later, possibly next night, possibly down the road, I think

[B]

a couple of nights.

[D]

A couple nights later, because you had.

[B]

You had to surprise me.

[F]

Yeah.

[C]

You were on. You said you would be.

[B]

I was on my. Yeah, I. I still. I was still on my words.

[D]

I think it might have been the next day because of the details of the poo.

[A]

Oh, there was.

[B]

Okay, so here we go.

[A]

Sandwich in there.

[F]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

So no, it's worse.

[D]

The cars in the parking lot. Everyone. Everybody's. Bobby goes off to Sky Bar or his standard. I forget.

[F]

Yeah.

[D]

I don't know. You went off.

[B]

I was younger. I would do the club.

[D]

He wasn't drinking, but he was like, out. Going out.

[B]

Going out.

[F]

Okay. Yeah.

[D]

With a guy. Yeah. In my class.

[B]

Who?

[D]

Aaron Cater.

[B]

Good friend.

[D]

Good friend.

[F]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

Okay.

[D]

Palestinian.

[B]

Yeah. I love. I've. And also judge. I've always loved the Palestinian. And throughout history, I have.

[C]

Okay, okay.

[B]

As you can see at. From. I mean, this court today.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay.

[D]

So he's off. Jim's wrapping up. We're all working. Jim's saying goodbye. And I go, hey, hey, hey. Again, this might be my fault somewhat.

[C]

That is.

[B]

Lots being revealed here, dude.

[D]

I know.

[B]

I mean, it's crazy case. I know this. So it's. It is your fault. What do you mean, somewhat?

[F]

I mean, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

What do you mean, somewhat?

[D]

So the. The lot's kind of emptied out.

[F]

Whatever.

[D]

It's like late night. It's like 1:30 already. And he's like, or 2. And he's like, oh, I'm leaving. I was like, wait, Jim.

[F]

Yeah.

[D]

Look. Whose car is that?

[B]

Ah.

[D]

And he looks. And he's like, oh, I'm reminding him of the.

[B]

What car was I driving then?

[D]

I think it was silver.

[B]

Yeah, it was a gti, I think.

[D]

Okay.

[F]

Yeah, Yeah.

[B]

I had a Volkswagen GT gti.

[D]

That's what it was.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's what it was.

[C]

Nice car.

[B]

A little mighty car.

[D]

Brandon later got impounded because he didn't pay parking tickets. The only car I've ever seen that totaled total from parking.

[B]

You know that story? We will revisit. We'll revisit that story at a later date. Okay.

[F]

Okay.

[B]

We'll do a part two of this. Okay.

[D]

Total. So he goes. And I'm reminding him of his promise, of his pledge.

[F]

Who?

[D]

Jim. Oh, you said you were gonna do something.

[B]

I see your proxy.

[F]

Well, well, well.

[D]

Bobby's not even around. Yeah, no one's around. The lot's almost empty.

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

No, the real question is who?

[D]

So he said.

[F]

He said.

[B]

Can I ask you a question?

[D]

Yes.

[B]

May I ask you a question? Yes. Right, Judge, It's.

[C]

Yeah, I'll allow it. I like. I like your moxie. I'll allow it.

[B]

Whose poop poo was it?

[D]

Okay, that's a fair question.

[B]

Question.

[A]

That feels like a board game.

[C]

He said, guess who?

[D]

Oh, my God, you're right. Bobby's car's there. I just took a dump like an hour ago.

[E]

Oh, Jesus.

[D]

I wish I had known.

[B]

I

[A]

surrogate.

[D]

I. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A friend in need is a friend indeed.

[B]

But I like that. Let me just.

[E]

That's a good slogan.

[B]

That's a very good slogan. Right. And it's a universal slogan. Right. And I really enjoy it. But if we go back to story number one. Right. I did it. All that for you.

[D]

What do you mean?

[B]

The laughs.

[D]

You did.

[B]

I. I know.

[D]

And I got a pastrami out of it.

[B]

You got a pastrami sandwich out of it. And you got a good cackle out of it. Right?

[D]

What? A good cackle.

[B]

Right. So for you. Right. To use the enemies. Right?

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

And. And supply them with missiles.

[A]

Missiles out of your back.

[B]

You're right. Right. Right is, to me, questionable.

[D]

It's USA's logic.

[F]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

Hey, Bobby. But would you do the same thing?

[B]

No. If.

[D]

If you wanted to. On someone's car, you go, should I? Just an hour ago.

[B]

Let me tell you something.

[D]

And I go, let me help you out here. Let me have you out of now.

[B]

I would never do it.

[D]

So to speak.

[B]

I wouldn't do any of this behavior in the last 15 years.

[D]

This is before that, though.

[B]

I know, but I'm a completely different kind of person.

[D]

Somewhat different.

[F]

What do you mean?

[C]

He's asking you to revisit those times.

[A]

Yeah. In that head space, you're not completely different.

[D]

You're somewhat different.

[B]

What do you mean by that?

[D]

I mean, when you saw a disposable toilet, you don't go, come on, man. You put it in the shot. You're not completely.

[B]

No, no, no. What I'm saying is I haven't changed comedically. Right, right. But in terms of, like, social norms and behaving in public and. Because, you know, I've done corporate shows and this and that. You know what I mean? I'm not going to act amok on the set of Sex and the City. Yeah, right, right.

[D]

I still can't believe you took that role.

[B]

I know, but that's another day.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay, so what I'm saying is, is that. You know what I mean, I've changed in that way.

[D]

But Carrie Bradshaw says, meet me, you go,

[B]

that's one of my lines.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

Strike from the Record. That can't be used against Bobby.

[B]

Thank you so much.

[D]

Thanks for meeting me. When Carrie Bradshaw says come, you. You go. Anyway, you're great in Res Dogs. Legit. You're great in Res Dogs.

[B]

Okay.

[F]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Have you seen this?

[F]

Oh, no, no.

[B]

Stop for a second. I got. I got to defend this, right? They. You. They give you lines to say.

[D]

Yeah, right.

[B]

You think I'm in any power. Right. To do it any differently than I did it?

[D]

I. Yeah, because when you called me and Santino and said, they're offering me this, we both said, why?

[B]

Why?

[D]

Don't do that. Why would you waste time going to New York for some dumb Hasbin show? And you go, I think I got to do it.

[B]

Okay. Anyway.

[D]

Anyway.

[B]

Okay, okay. So let's.

[E]

I thought you had a defense.

[B]

Okay, I didn't have a defense.

[F]

I didn't have a defense.

[C]

Now, I will now be. That's. We're taking that into effect.

[B]

That's a point of my.

[C]

It's a point, unfortunately, for the defense.

[F]

Okay.

[C]

I wanted to strike it, but you let it go.

[B]

Here's the deal. All right? Here's the deal. Now.

[D]

Right.

[F]

Okay.

[B]

Okay. I'm at the Sky Bar, right? Enjoying my friend with my Palestinian friend

[D]

Aaron Cater, by the way, Half Christian, half Palestinian. Yeah.

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

And also. Also, I. I have many types of Friends.

[F]

Okay.

[B]

Okay.

[D]

Jews, Palestinians, fats.

[B]

Yeah, Fats. Yeah, yeah. I love the fats.

[D]

He loved the fats.

[F]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

And I love the skins. You do the skinnies.

[F]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

And I love. I love the boil people.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

You know, I mean, they're my favorite people.

[A]

We're indigenous.

[F]

Yeah, yeah.

[D]

Indigenous.

[B]

Anyway, let's go back. Okay. All right, so now, Jim Painter. Let me just take over now. Jim Painter, right, Has already. You know what I mean, Done the number two.

[A]

No, no, he hasn't.

[B]

No. He said he already took a dump,

[F]

right?

[B]

But this coward. Coward, yeah. And this liar, right? And this deceiver, right, Goes. Oh, quite. I'm sorry, Jim, here's a little thing I haven't pooed yet.

[D]

I haven't pooed from yesterday's sandwich.

[B]

Right, right. Brewing, Right. So the poo that's being used in this terrorist act, Right.

[D]

Was supplied by you.

[B]

Was supplied by you.

[A]

Supplied by you.

[D]

But you supplied the ingredients in the poo.

[A]

You supplied the paycheck.

[B]

Oh, the.

[E]

Oh, positive effect.

[D]

Never thought of this.

[B]

That was Jeremy Deli. That was Jerry's Deli. Poo.

[F]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

You fell on your own poo.

[B]

You would have ate anyway.

[D]

Yeah, I would have eaten nothing.

[B]

No, no, no, that's terrible. That's insane. You would've eaten something the name day before you had dinner, Right? So you would have eaten something.

[D]

Ramen something, nothing.

[B]

Yeah, but you would have still had to poo.

[D]

Yeah, fair enough.

[B]

Oh, fair. That's fair enough. Because you're a human being.

[D]

Yeah, but if anything had green in it, I would have already pooed.

[F]

It was.

[B]

Whatever.

[D]

Whatever.

[F]

That.

[B]

That's semantics. I don't know what he ordered. You know what I mean? And that's. Yeah, I mean, that cannot be allowed in the. Okay, I'll allow.

[D]

Strike.

[B]

I'll strike. Strike that.

[C]

I'll strike.

[F]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, strike that.

[B]

All right, so he decides.

[F]

You.

[B]

Yeah, right. Now, this is what I heard, and I don't know if it's true. Okay, okay. That you had pooed into a paper bag.

[D]

Nope. No, it's crazy. Plastic bag.

[F]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

He's an environmental Pink Doc. I forgot it was a pink dot.

[D]

It was a pink dot bag.

[B]

Shopping bag. He's not an environmentalist.

[F]

Right.

[B]

Yeah.

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay, so.

[D]

But I was reusing.

[B]

Yeah, you're reusing. Right. And you took a spatula.

[F]

Oh, yeah.

[D]

First I poo. No, first I pooed. I put it, like, over the toilet seat and I. Oh, actually. Great. We have something to act out.

[C]

Okay, great.

[B]

No, no, don't take your pants off, though.

[C]

Okay. Okay.

[D]

If this is the seat, like this

[C]

Exhibit A is being entered.

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

And I put one plastic bag in here. Or I'll go look for one. Yeah, look for a plastic bag, please. If we're gonna do it, we're gonna do it.

[C]

I'm having a difficult.

[B]

If we're going to do it, let's do it.

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

If we're going to do it, let's do it.

[C]

Having a tough time really imagining what this is going to look like.

[B]

It's important.

[C]

It's important.

[D]

It's perfect that we have this right now.

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

This is so perfect. Okay.

[F]

Exhibit A. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[D]

Nice. Way longer.

[F]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I need.

[B]

I need. I see For. To my. For my defense.

[D]

Okay. Nice.

[C]

Yeah, we found one.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

Fantastic. Fantastic. Okay.

[B]

Need props for my.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

Why do you need a lunchbox?

[C]

Yeah, right. All right, well, I guess we're going to take a.

[B]

Just hold on a second. Okay.

[C]

We're taking a brief recess in this moment as we.

[A]

To get evidence.

[C]

As the attorneys pull their evidence in.

[D]

Can I piss real quick?

[C]

Okay, okay, okay, okay.

[B]

At this point, there's no way you can side with.

[C]

I mean, he's making a hard time. But here's the thing. I'm a judge, so all I. I do is sentence. This is the jury.

[A]

Am I part.

[C]

What am I. I'm bringing the jury in.

[A]

Oh, I am.

[F]

Okay.

[C]

I'm bringing the jury. Everybody here is going to vote, and I'm going to sentence.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. Also, just as a jury member, know that, you know, tomorrow we're going to Detroit.

[A]

Yeah, okay.

[F]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Are you going to get me food

[G]

so I can be objective?

[C]

Okay, I. Yeah, I would like to,

[B]

but you're still a jury member.

[A]

But are you going to buy me dinner?

[F]

Oh, yeah.

[G]

Depends how you. This is called jury tampering.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, I'm tampering the jury. I'm tampering the jury.

[D]

Right.

[C]

You're about to get disqualified. Cat's gonna write a teller.

[B]

We got plastic already.

[A]

Is Ari taking a. On your car?

[C]

That's a possibility.

[B]

When we move on, you'll see how insane this is.

[A]

I can't wait for the.

[F]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

You don't know this. You got. Have you heard this story before?

[C]

Never.

[B]

Never heard the story.

[D]

Oh, this is real.

[E]

Never heard this.

[C]

I've never heard the story.

[B]

It's a real story.

[F]

Okay, okay, okay.

[B]

Here we go. Here we go. We got the plastic, we got the toilet seat.

[D]

So this is pink dot Great store. All this still there?

[B]

Yeah, I mean, late night sandwiches, et cetera, et cetera.

[D]

Yeah, really solid.

[B]

Okay.

[D]

So I put it into like this.

[F]

The toilet. Yes.

[D]

And then cup this here and that here. And I had to hold on with my hands like that. And then I pooped in.

[B]

Okay, so what is the apparatus? And then.

[D]

Yeah, yeah, let's get some weight to it.

[F]

Yeah, yeah, weight to it.

[A]

Okay.

[D]

And then. And then I got up and I carefully.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, we understand. Yeah.

[C]

Heavy.

[B]

Very. Yeah, heavy, heavy. Heavy piece of past.

[D]

Yeah. Pastrami.

[B]

Yes, pastrami. Poo.

[F]

Yeah.

[C]

This is not.

[B]

Thank you.

[D]

No longer necessary.

[C]

This is not the judge. This is Ramsey asking which bathroom did you poop in.

[D]

Okay, so if I been rebuilt another.

[C]

That's important.

[D]

That's important.

[B]

I think that's an important question.

[D]

It was rebuilt a little bit. But where. The women's bathroom in the hallway. Is there? Yeah, that. That. It was. It was a men's bathroom right then. Or maybe coed. There might have been two coeds right there. There wasn't that halt. Long way in like that. But it was right there. Yeah.

[C]

So you were walking through the hall with just a bag of.

[B]

Yes, but 1:30 in the morning too. So there's no audience. There's no.

[D]

This is the dark years. There was.

[B]

There's no.

[D]

Been no audience for a while. Like a little bit schizophrenic was on stage at them.

[F]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

Someone got that pass in the 70s,

[F]

you know what I mean?

[B]

But it's like it's always. So the. Everyone's gone by 11pm midnight by the.

[F]

Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

You got your poop in your hand.

[D]

So then I gave it to my friend Jim James Painter.

[B]

Okay.

[D]

Said here you go.

[B]

Yeah, here's some uranium. Do with it as you will. You can enrich it. You can turn into.

[C]

Yeah, you could. You could use this.

[B]

Fertilizer. Yeah, fertilizer.

[C]

You could do whatever.

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

For your crops or whatever.

[F]

Right.

[D]

Big dump. It was a big dump.

[B]

It was a big dump.

[D]

Not a crate. Not the best ever. A big. But on the upper, they say 80th percent.

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

May I use. May I use my props, please?

[A]

So what, did you place it? Where did you place it?

[D]

Great questions.

[B]

Yeah. And this is my.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

All right.

[C]

So, okay, so in the moment, we're all getting an exhibit C here from the.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

So exhibit C. Oh, okay. Exhibit C, please.

[C]

Exhibit C. Okay. Entered.

[B]

So I'm gonna do it like this. Okay. I'm gonna do it like this. Okay. Okay. So I'm having a good time with my Palestinian friend.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

Wow.

[D]

Relevance.

[F]

Yeah, it's relevant. Yeah. Yeah.

[C]

I'm gonna allow it.

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

Right, right. And I say goodbye, brother, to my Palestinian friend.

[A]

Aslam alaikum.

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

No, not even that. I treat him like.

[C]

Just like everybody else.

[B]

Like everyone else. Right. And I give him a deep hug because.

[A]

A deep hug.

[B]

I'll tell you why. Because when friends and, you know, and you want to bond with people, I don't know what your generation does. Back then, we would give hugs. Okay, give me a deep hug. I go, safe passage in your journey.

[D]

Wow, that's crazy, because if he had acted in a Muslim way, he goes, I'm just like, jim, don't fucking hug me.

[F]

Yeah.

[D]

That was the Christian side took over.

[B]

He went off on his journey through the spirit straight. All right.

[D]

Okay.

[B]

So now I'm opening my car door. Okay. And this is the car door handle. Right.

[D]

One of those will go like this. So you can go from the top or the bottom.

[B]

No, no, it was a click up.

[D]

It was a click up.

[B]

It was a click up.

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

So in the click up, there's a layer of poo in the click up. So I don't know if you know this judge, but when you stick your fingers in the door handle.

[F]

Right.

[B]

It gets into your fingernails asap.

[D]

I mean, you're pushing it right in.

[B]

You're pushing it right into the fingernail.

[D]

If you saw poop on the ground, you had to touch it. You would touch it like this.

[F]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

Dig in like that. Dig in like that. Right. So I'm digging into the poop.

[D]

There'd be no reason for him to pause.

[B]

Right, Right.

[D]

Going through the poo.

[B]

Right, right. And I click up, I pull it out. Right. And now my hand is filled with his poo sandwich.

[F]

Poo.

[B]

I'm not done yet, sir. Okay, please. So in my. In my panic and in my disgust. I know what it is.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

As one does. You know it's poo.

[C]

You know it's poo. But there's a little guilt. Okay, keep going.

[D]

He doesn't know who's.

[B]

I don't know who's. I don't know what's going on now.

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

I'm going. All I know. All I know is there's poo on my hand.

[D]

A place where there's never been poo really, ever.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

A bird. Could of a bird, you know, I mean, a raccoon to shoot it up.

[D]

Dog.

[F]

Yeah, yeah. I mean.

[D]

And nowhere else.

[B]

It was flattered quickly. I Went, it's human.

[D]

It's human. Isn't it weird how people know the difference between human poop and dog poop?

[F]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[G]

You just know.

[B]

You just know. So I went through all the animals, all the scenarios really quickly in my mind, right? And I go, it's human. Right. And can I just say this? And I don't know why I knew this. I knew it was Jewish. Yeah. Leon, Bread. Yeah, Matoe. You know what I mean?

[F]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

So what I do immediately, right, is I go straight into the store with my left hand.

[D]

I thought the store is closed by now.

[B]

No, no, it's open still.

[A]

So you have to do like shake it off.

[B]

I have to knock on the door, there's still somebody there. I go to the bathroom, I wash my hands, I go, do you have any napkins? Someone pooed. Someone pooed inside the handle of my glove, right? And in my mind, mind while I'm washing my hands and whatnot. It's painter.

[C]

You're, it's good.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, it's all coming.

[F]

Yeah.

[D]

You start like, like what's the, who would have, what's it called in legal circles?

[A]

Oh, the house. House.

[D]

No, who would have calls to do it? Who have motivation.

[B]

Motivation. Yeah, yeah, exactly.

[F]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[D]

And so you're like, who?

[B]

I went through. I went through that too. And you're like, Caroline Ray.

[D]

I've never done that.

[B]

I went through it all.

[F]

Yeah, yeah.

[D]

Margaret.

[F]

No, I know.

[D]

Who would have motivation.

[B]

Oh, yeah. Judy. Judy Cianciano.

[D]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[B]

Steve Kravitz. I mean all the names went through, right? And it went to James Boehner.

[D]

A lot of people don't like me, but who would do defecation?

[B]

Defecation in the handle.

[A]

It's such a short term too, because

[D]

the day before this was about 23 hours ago. 23 hours later, I pissed off this

[B]

guy's door, feverishly washing it off my hands.

[A]

And it's in the nails.

[B]

It's in the nails. I get paper towels, I wash them all off, right? And then I have to go get like some sort of like spray, spray. And I don't know where the sprays are. I'm looking underneath the bar.

[D]

Spray. Yeah, like that.

[B]

Yeah. It's not a, it's like bleach.

[A]

You need to find bleach.

[D]

How do you even get it in there?

[F]

I don't know.

[B]

I, I, I, I found something. Where I sprayed it. I took the towels.

[D]

Did you ask a homeless guy to help you clean it?

[B]

That's it's. Not done. That's by the second. That's part two of the story.

[F]

Okay.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Number two.

[B]

This is number two. So I get it all off. Do best I can. I'll do the rest when I get home. Home, Right.

[D]

How. What's your. What's your mood at this point?

[B]

I mean, the worst mood one can be possibly in you. I mean, I have. I'm.

[D]

You're paintering out.

[B]

I'm in rage.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Because to me, P doesn't equal poo.

[D]

And I'm your hand versus your car.

[B]

Right. It gets worse. If I may.

[D]

How could it.

[B]

I have another exhibit, please.

[A]

Are you all alone at this point? Are you all alone at this point?

[B]

I'm all on my lonesome.

[A]

So no one.

[B]

So. So no one's even benefiting from the getting the license laugh.

[C]

So it's just cruel and vindictive at this point.

[B]

Yeah. If people were laughing, right. It would have been like, I would.

[D]

You'd have to laugh along with it.

[F]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

That's a good one.

[D]

We're long gone.

[F]

You got me.

[B]

They're long gone.

[D]

You got back at 2.

[B]

May I do exhibit 2, please.

[C]

Exit. Please enter exhibit D. We had cameras. We're admitting exhibit D2. Okay.

[B]

Here we are.

[D]

Here we go.

[B]

This is exhibit two, please. And I just use. You know, this is the quick. The only prop that I could find.

[C]

Sure.

[B]

I'm sorry. Right. So imagine me, I'm in my car.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

There's a piece of poo. Now. Let's just say there's a piece of poo now. Right on. On my window. Okay. Now when you see a piece. Let me ask you, Judge, if I may. May I ask, Judge.

[D]

Right.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

When you see a piece of poo on the window, what is your first instinct?

[C]

To. To try to remove it in some way.

[B]

Shape. And how. How would you remove it in a vehicle if it's in your front window?

[D]

Little tiny piece of poo like that.

[F]

Like that big.

[C]

I suppose at the time. I mean, you're in your car or you're out of your car.

[B]

I'm in my car facing out. The door is closed.

[C]

I would probably try to get out. Find a napkin.

[F]

No, no, no.

[B]

You would use the windshield. You would use the windshield wiper.

[C]

I see. I see you at the time, don't even realize it's poo. You're sick.

[B]

I know it's poo.

[C]

So.

[D]

But it's like.

[B]

Like, I'll tell you that. I'll tell you why. I know what poo Looks like.

[F]

Yeah.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

Okay. All right, all right.

[A]

Was it human?

[B]

It was a human poo.

[D]

You got to think it's got to be related to the other poo.

[B]

Yeah, but to me, it's like, you know, I mean, like shrapnel poo. If I may.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

You know, I mean, from the door.

[D]

Unrelated.

[B]

Just one drop. Yeah, one drop fell off. Right. So what I do is I use the windshield wiper.

[C]

Yeah. Reasonable.

[B]

Reasonable. Lo and behold, all the poo is on the windshield wiper. Packed in, packed in.

[D]

Packed into the windshield wiper.

[B]

Right.

[D]

It's just below in that bar of like. Of, like, tan. That's just.

[F]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

So now what I'm doing is wing the whole window.

[D]

Both windshields look both.

[B]

I'm pulling the whole window, right? It's black. A dark, black brown window. Holy. All right, so.

[F]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[D]

Under the weight of the poo. The witcher's like, we're not made for that.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. Exactly.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Okay. Go ahead.

[A]

Question.

[B]

Yeah, What's.

[A]

Okay, so who. Okay, so you managed to get the poo off of the. The. The clicker, right?

[D]

Enough off.

[B]

Enough off for me to go home to get in.

[F]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

And so my. My real question is, who was the placer of the poo?

[D]

That's a good question.

[B]

That's a very good question.

[D]

I think it really matters.

[B]

I can answer that without even knowing. You mean only one handles their own poo?

[C]

Yes.

[B]

And that's an old Korean proverb.

[C]

Yeah, yeah. I like that.

[B]

One does not handle others poo.

[E]

Insane.

[B]

Okay. Right. There is no way that James Pander would be like, oh, I'm gonna handle your poo to do this windshield wiper. Right. So it all comes from the mind of this gentleman to my left.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

So you not only denied the poo you placed, you did the actual crime.

[D]

Let me retort.

[C]

Floor is yours. You can rebut.

[D]

You think I believe in honor?

[A]

Not really.

[F]

Oh, no.

[B]

Honor has nothing to do with it.

[D]

Oh, yes, it does.

[B]

Okay.

[D]

And when my friend makes a vow to shit on someone's car, that mouth. That vow matters. And he must be the. If not the shitty. The shitter. He must place.

[B]

Oh, he must place. Right.

[D]

I hand him.

[B]

So there's a. There's an old movie called Yohimbo.

[D]

Yohimbo?

[B]

Yeah. Okay.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

And he's a Ronin samurai, right? He goes into town and he plays both sides because there's a. There's a town that's at war.

[D]

I'm Yohimbo.

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

You're Yohimbo.

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

You're a. You're a ronin.

[D]

I watch it now.

[B]

Right. Yeah. And he's trying to play both sides, but what ends up happening is both sides catch on.

[C]

Yes.

[B]

And they both go against. That didn't happen in this.

[F]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

I'm just saying, though. But in. He is playing Yohimbo right now. Yeah. No, no. Okay, go ahead.

[D]

Can I. Can I.

[B]

Can you use a movie reference? Yes, go ahead.

[D]

It's from the accused.

[B]

Okay.

[F]

Okay.

[D]

I'd like to call in another exhibit.

[C]

Go ahead.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

Go ahead, please.

[D]

Exhibit B for me.

[F]

Okay, go ahead.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

By the way, he's the placer of the poo.

[C]

Well, this is what's in dispute.

[A]

We don't know who's the place in this moment.

[D]

We are.

[B]

We are. Oh, you know.

[A]

Oh, we know.

[F]

Yeah.

[C]

Hey, Bobby. I do. But I'm going to let a defense happen.

[F]

Okay.

[B]

Oh, he's going to make something out of cardboard.

[D]

So we had the top of a. Of a paper. You know those paper boxes with, like, all the papers.

[C]

Yeah, yeah.

[D]

And for, like, printers.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

So the top side was rectangle. Yeah. And we took one of those off.

[F]

Yeah.

[D]

And I gave my bag of poop. Jim.

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

Yep.

[D]

You look like a boy. He also had a lot of pimples.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay.

[D]

And I gave him what became a spatula of sorts. And I said here.

[B]

That's why I heard spatula. It was a handmade spackle.

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

But I heard spatula in my head because in. Because obviously I'm going to investigate.

[C]

Yeah, of course.

[B]

After a crime.

[C]

Of course.

[B]

Because, you know, I have that gene and the FBI gene.

[F]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

So I need to investigate.

[D]

Right.

[B]

So I heard spatula. And I remember bag.

[C]

Okay.

[D]

I did.

[B]

I. I didn't know it was a plastic.

[D]

I handed it to him to let him have his honor and his revenge.

[B]

And he.

[D]

In. Into the handles. Into the handles.

[B]

Okay. But.

[D]

And then windshield. Windshield.

[C]

He did.

[F]

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

[B]

You didn't know you did windshield. I. I heard you did. I heard you.

[F]

Yeah. Yeah.

[D]

I'll be honest.

[B]

I don't remember.

[D]

I don't remember.

[B]

I heard you did winchield.

[D]

I definitely suggested windshield.

[F]

No, no, no.

[D]

I definitely said that's not enough.

[B]

You did winshield.

[D]

I definitely said that's not enough because

[B]

what if you get past. You did windshield.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

For rumor and through witness and through investigation, through my FBI techniques.

[D]

I don't know enough to deny.

[F]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

He doesn't know enough to deny that I Heard in charge of windshield was Captain Shafir.

[C]

Yeah. There is a cleverness involved with that.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

That's very calculated. Calculated is the plant of the tiny poo to get to the bigger poop.

[F]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

So now what I have to do, Judge, okay, is I have to drive down Sunset Boulevard.

[F]

Right.

[B]

2am 2am Nothing's. It's black. There's nothing. It's.

[D]

How can you even see?

[B]

You can't barely see the windshield. You can barely see.

[F]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

So I could have died.

[C]

Yeah, no, no.

[B]

But I'm now rushing to a 7 11.

[D]

It's like you're in a snowstorm.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Mud stor.

[A]

Yeah, muds.

[D]

Yeah, Pastrami. Muds.

[B]

Pompei.

[F]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

Like. Yeah.

[D]

Lava, like the movie Volcano.

[F]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

It's a disaster movie. It's a disaster movie.

[F]

Okay.

[B]

I'm driving to the nearest. On Sunset. Right. 7:11. Okay.

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

I pull in.

[A]

Probably isn't their first rodeo, honestly.

[B]

What?

[D]

7:11.

[A]

7:11.

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

Well, 2:00am this happens a lot.

[C]

Another. Another windshield.

[B]

So I go in and I grab all their paper towels, I buy all their Windexes and all the things I need to use that. Whatever is available there at the time. Sure.

[C]

The little bottles that they have.

[B]

And I walk up to a homeless person and I go, yo, if I give you $20, can you wipe all the poo that's on my front window?

[E]

You had to tell them it was poo?

[B]

You could.

[D]

Why surprise.

[B]

Everyone knew it was.

[C]

Why surprise him while he's down there? No, no.

[D]

Did you even have to say human or dog?

[B]

No, I didn't have to get specific. You know what I mean?

[D]

$20.

[B]

Must be like. No, he was. No, he was like, nah, dog.

[F]

What?

[B]

No, he goes, nah, dog. 100 for that.

[C]

Equivalent, by the way, today to $200. Probably.

[B]

Exactly.

[D]

But also. But equivalent in homeless to 20,000.

[C]

Yes.

[B]

Okay, okay. I don't know about the. Those stats.

[F]

Fair, fair, fair.

[B]

I know there's inflation involved in all that stuff. I was not the judge, but that's not. You know, I don't think that should be in play.

[C]

It's fair.

[B]

Right. But I spent 100 back then. Money. That's a lot to get a homeless human being. Right. To clean my windshield. He did a very good job, by the way.

[C]

I think it's generous too.

[B]

Very generous. Right. And he said something like, man, that sucked, or something like that. And me apologize. I'm so sorry. Thank you so much for doing it. Right. I went home and I Started saving my cum. What?

[E]

Oh, we're going to the next thing.

[C]

Okay, okay. Interesting. Now, is this something you do not know about, counselor, the cum, or what's this, this reaction?

[E]

You definitely know about this.

[D]

What?

[B]

Yeah, yeah, we know about this.

[A]

So you don't think P equals poo, but poo equals C?

[B]

I didn't know what the next level was, but I was not going to lose this war.

[D]

What?

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. For months I was saving my comp. Wow, how that sentence is in a freezer judge in an ice cube tray.

[A]

And so how many trays did you have in your freezer?

[D]

What?

[B]

It took me only two little compartments to fill those up.

[D]

I do not.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, two little compartments to fill.

[B]

If you have an ice tray and there's like 16 little cubes in there to make an ice cube, I fill two cubes. That's two months worth of ejaculate.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

Two trays.

[B]

What?

[D]

Two trays?

[B]

Not trays, just squares. Two little squares. Two cubes, two cubes.

[A]

So is one cube, one ejaculate, one full.

[B]

No, no, that's like.

[D]

And then you froze it.

[B]

A quarter of ejaculate. I would freeze it and ejaculate in the same. It's layered cum ice.

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

What?

[D]

Cum ice.

[A]

Cum ice.

[E]

Cummings.

[B]

Cum cube. And then the calculation. And this is where I knew this would be difficult to pull off. I was gonna put it in one of your drinks and one of James's drinks. Right. And then.

[D]

And do what? Like a toast a piece?

[B]

Yeah, a toast a piece.

[F]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

You would drink my cup. Come. And I would say, you just drank my cum.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

You know what I mean? So. But in my mind, and this is where my morality and my ethics kicked in. There it is. I said I should end this war. I think Pooh won.

[D]

Wait, hold on. Ethics, immorality, or fear of another up one upping?

[B]

What would be the one upping after come.

[D]

I think.

[F]

I mean, think about.

[D]

The emotions would have to guide me. What think?

[B]

Do you it mean?

[A]

I think.

[B]

I mean, I mean feel, feel, feel that. Okay, right.

[D]

I mean, when you told me you did that, immediately I'm like, that's for me.

[B]

I'm filming.

[D]

I almost cried.

[B]

Yeah, I'm filming.

[A]

I think.

[B]

Cube.

[F]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[C]

So hold on, Ari, you just heard about this right now or you've heard the tray?

[D]

Yeah, I'm just hearing about that.

[F]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

If you were to drink the cube, some of the cube, it would have melted definitely into the.

[D]

What it would have been some would have melted already. And then you'd be like, like, no, I didn't like. Well, look at the melting ice cube in there. The ones were one's clear and one's not clear.

[F]

Yeah.

[D]

You see the difference between ice and come ice?

[F]

Yeah, yeah.

[D]

Water ice and come ice. You see how it's shaped different?

[F]

Yeah.

[D]

And I'd be like, no way. And that is a couple more.

[F]

Yeah.

[D]

There would be a consistency of.

[F]

Yeah, yeah.

[D]

I don't know. The consistency of unfrozen cum is.

[F]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[C]

But it'd be challenging.

[B]

Yeah, it'd be challenging.

[D]

Yeah. I'd accept that. This might.

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

What would that. Well, now what was the next level of that? That's what the fear is. And that's the equation.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Is what happens after that come.

[A]

I think pubes. Or is that.

[B]

No, no, that's not. That's less.

[F]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

I eat that now.

[F]

Yeah, yeah. I would say.

[D]

I would say cubes are gross. Because it's been near your come. I'll tell you where my mind went. I don't know if this would be it, but my first thought. Yeah, I'm gonna. Your mom.

[F]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

Wow.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Wow.

[D]

But like, that's a hard pull.

[B]

That's a hard pull. It's hard. She doesn't like, you know, she didn't like.

[D]

Yeah, she lives far away.

[B]

Lives far away.

[D]

I didn't have gas money.

[F]

Yeah.

[A]

But it all starts from a gay hug. And it ended with gay come.

[D]

It ended before the gay.

[B]

Yeah, it ended before gay come.

[A]

But it.

[B]

And I'm not gay.

[D]

So you would jerk off.

[B]

And on top of that, my come is not gay.

[D]

Like you would.

[A]

But you wanted someone to drink your c. What? But you wanted someone to.

[B]

I didn't. Let me ask you after poo. What is it then?

[A]

It's come.

[B]

And then what's after come come is a nuclear war.

[C]

It's a nuclear bomb.

[B]

Yeah, you're right.

[E]

That's the new.

[B]

I think that's the nuke war is over and the war is over. That's a wm.

[F]

Yeah.

[D]

There's also. Nobody wants to just go now I'm going to make you come. That's like Equalize.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

Equalizes nothing.

[B]

And you. And you also create global escalation.

[D]

You can't. If you. If you do me. Yeah.

[C]

100%.

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

Am I not right?

[D]

If you come cube me. I can't just come cube you back. Right.

[F]

No, no, no, no.

[D]

You have to go further.

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

You have to go further. And I don't think there is anything further in the realm of what we're doing here.

[D]

May I call to witness something?

[F]

Yeah.

[D]

May I call to witness something?

[F]

Yeah.

[D]

Before when he said P should equal P and I said no, you have to one up it. And he denied it. He just said come should go more than come as a retaliation out of his own mouth.

[B]

What did I say?

[C]

He's using your words against you. He basically said that your eye for an eye thing that you said earlier, you just negated it by even trying to come into the ice tray. That's his argument.

[E]

That was pretty slick.

[A]

And I have a question.

[B]

I, I, I, I still don't get it.

[G]

But Bobby didn't do it.

[D]

Bobby didn't do it.

[F]

He didn't do it.

[C]

He didn't do it because he felt that way. So.

[B]

Okay.

[D]

But he was gonna do it.

[B]

I was.

[D]

And knew that I would have had to do something even more.

[B]

I, I, because I'm a philosophical man.

[C]

Yeah. You know, I mean, Filipino as everybody

[B]

who jacks off Filipino.

[F]

Yeah, yeah.

[D]

Let's not ride this escalate.

[F]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[C]

You're philosophical as everything.

[B]

And I thought to myself, I couldn't figure out what the next level was. So I stopped at what I, what I was doing. Right. Because I was too afraid. Because the next level could be violence. Like a real violence. It could be violence which in turn, which in turn happened anyway.

[D]

There was and I like and this is for the country,

[B]

you know, I mean, and, and knowing what I knew then, I didn't know this information that he, he, he can get violent physically. Right?

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Cuz the violence happened afterwards.

[D]

It's reminded me of that Faces song.

[B]

What?

[D]

Wish that I knew what I know now.

[F]

Oh yeah.

[D]

I think that's what he meant.

[B]

I think, I think that's what he meant.

[D]

That's.

[B]

What about this? But anyway, so what is the judges who's guilty?

[C]

Bobby or Ari for this entire escalation? Is that a fair proposition?

[D]

Yeah. What's the charge exactly?

[E]

I don't understand.

[D]

The charges is that this is who, who's at fault.

[E]

But the cause and effect. He was molested.

[C]

We're not going to start. We're starting at the gym painters.

[D]

That guy was just attracted to a hot guy. Now you can't blame that.

[C]

Who is to blame? Okay, maybe this is a question. Maybe this is a question that we're asking. Who is to blame for the poop on Bobby. Bobby's car. Is it Bobby or is it Ari?

[D]

Okay, okay.

[E]

Oh, if you frame it, that Way

[B]

I'm gonna say, ari,

[D]

Who's responsible for this thing?

[C]

The whole fiasco?

[D]

Yeah. Can I. Can I pause right here before you give an answer?

[A]

James Painter.

[D]

Can I do a promo, please? Right here?

[F]

Oh, yeah, go ahead.

[D]

I have a new storytelling show out with stories like this.

[E]

And that's how we did this.

[D]

That nice. 23 comedians telling stories just like this.

[F]

Yeah.

[D]

The highest level. Just comedians who had the harshest past.

[B]

Yes.

[D]

In fact.

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

You never asked me to do this.

[D]

I. You did that. This is not happening.

[F]

Oh, yeah.

[D]

And I did ask you to do this.

[B]

I know you.

[D]

And you said you. No response.

[B]

Yeah, no response.

[D]

No response.

[A]

That's so cool.

[B]

Great.

[D]

You would have been right there over the tea. You would have replaced. You would have replaced n. Okay, good.

[B]

So what. So replace all what, A lineup. And when. Where. Where does one see arishafir.com?

[D]

you can get it.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

Each episode's five bucks or you get them all for.

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

Amazing. Amazing.

[D]

Thank you.

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

How many people are in one episode?

[D]

About three. Three to five.

[B]

Okay, good. Yeah, I'll do this. I'll do the next one. There's not gonna be another one.

[D]

I might have just been finished it off. Okay, great. Any. What?

[B]

Great lineup.

[D]

Yeah. Shane Gillis. Nate Bargazi.

[A]

You should have done the poop story on this.

[D]

Yeah, I've done the poo story on it on my. On my old show. This is not happening. That has zero relation to this show whatsoever. That was a storytelling show featuring comedians at a strip club. This is a store hosted by Ari Shapir. This is Ari Shafir hosting a storytelling show at a burlesque club.

[C]

Completely different.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Anyway, check that out. So let's go back to.

[D]

Okay, so now. Yeah, that was the recess.

[B]

Sorry.

[C]

Who's to blame for the whole fiasco?

[D]

Fiasco.

[F]

Yeah.

[C]

Okay, let's go one by one here. I guess I'm gonna start. Start with Cat Bird.

[B]

Let's start with George.

[C]

Oh, you want me start with George?

[B]

Okay.

[F]

Yeah, yeah.

[C]

This is interesting. The defendant is ruling the judge.

[D]

Wow.

[C]

Sort of a Saddam Hussein on trial.

[D]

Can I. Can I present something? He's done a great job so far.

[C]

Thank you. Thank you very much. I appreciate that. All right, let's start with George.

[G]

George, I think throw the whole case out. Everybody got what they deserved, and it was perfect.

[C]

Unacceptable answer. You have to pick one.

[B]

Yeah, you have to pick one.

[D]

Interesting.

[A]

Interesting.

[C]

Who is. Who is the cause?

[F]

Yeah.

[C]

Who's caused all of this?

[G]

What's the exact. What's the exact question?

[A]

Yeah. What is.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Give me the exact question.

[C]

I think the problem with the question is we're worried that we skew the jurors. Bobby had poop on his windshield.

[B]

Who is.

[E]

Whose fault was that?

[C]

How did it get there?

[G]

Yeah, Whose fault was that?

[B]

And I got.

[D]

There's also Jim Painter, by the way,

[B]

put it on there. And I got there through comedy.

[C]

It's.

[D]

But also, was this not comedy? It kind of was the windshield wipers.

[B]

It's an assault because there were no witnesses to the comedy event. So therefore, hence negate.

[D]

Well, that calls me into question.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

Call signature question.

[C]

Yeah, yeah.

[D]

When you're pulling a prank, ideally you want to be there for the payoff.

[B]

Yes.

[F]

Yeah.

[D]

Oh, the next morning, I was asleep when this happened. I wasn't there for the payoff. Sometimes you just have to hope that it happens. Trust it happens. Woke up to a answering machine message.

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

Back then we had an answering machine.

[F]

Yeah.

[D]

I had missed a call.

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

Please leave a message.

[D]

And the call was this.

[B]

Let me do it.

[D]

Okay.

[B]

Yeah. O. I'm Ari Shafird.

[D]

You do me, I'll do you.

[B]

Oh, my back, my back,

[D]

my back,

[B]

my back, my back. Leave a message. Boop.

[D]

Ari, I know it was you. Now this I'm finding out is in between the handle and the. And the. And the. I know it was you. I could see the pieces of pastrami. It could only be you. I'm so mad at you right now. And right then he's saying, I'm so mad at you right now, and I will. And then this happened. And on the phone call, he's going to. And I.

[C]

He's discovering it on the phone with you.

[B]

Yes. Yes.

[F]

Yeah.

[D]

Yes. It's. It's in old boy. It's when he realize.

[F]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

When he realizes the horror.

[D]

A breaking.

[B]

When he real realizes the horror. Right. So with that in play. That didn't help you. Comedic, that. I know, but that didn't help. That didn't help you. All right, so now with that in play, George, I woke up quick. Let's get this over with. This is way too long.

[G]

Ari's fault. The whole way through, he.

[B]

Thank you so much. And Gilbert, please.

[E]

Actually, I like this. Who's in charge of this whole fiasco of comedy?

[F]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[E]

Ari, it was hilarious.

[F]

Yeah.

[D]

Thank you.

[F]

Yeah.

[C]

You've changed the charge, but I'll take it.

[B]

Alex,

[E]

I think you started all of it. Bobby.

[C]

There you go. One for Bobby.

[D]

The descenting view.

[C]

We have one more vote left.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Cat, I'M going with.

[D]

I would never have noticed your pimple, by the way.

[B]

Yeah, Bobby called.

[A]

Bobby. Because I. I'm going to go with Ari because Bobby is taking me on the road this summer.

[B]

Wait, we have a biased jury.

[F]

Wow.

[C]

Wow.

[F]

Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

Wow. Judge, what's your final verdict?

[C]

It's a tough one.

[B]

How is a tough one?

[E]

We have a biased jury.

[C]

It's a. It's a difficult situation. It's a prank. It went awry. There was comedy involved. I. I found the situation deeply human.

[D]

Mm. As human, by the way. As human as a one state solution, which I believe is the only answer.

[F]

Yeah. Yeah.

[C]

With all equal rights for everybody.

[D]

Yeah. We can watch forever. Okay.

[B]

All right.

[C]

Side note. Okay.

[B]

Yeah. I also want to say west bank is best.

[F]

Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

I also want to say Devontra. Other people can also on the road with me.

[C]

I don't like that you're using.

[B]

No, I'm not using violence. I'm just saying I'm giving you hypotheticals.

[C]

He's buttering me up.

[B]

I don't like exhibit C. Exhibit C. Exhibit C. Is that you? I mean, there's a so many people that have been asking me, please may I open Santo. Just.

[D]

Okay, okay.

[B]

All right.

[D]

So what I'm saying, just let's have a. Let's rule. We shouldn't. We shouldn't let this go. Okay, I'll take my Palestinian freedom takes back to Vantre.

[F]

Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

What? Yeah, what?

[C]

Here's the thing, because I thought about this. It really is. It's hard.

[G]

He has real.

[B]

No, he has a lot of pages of.

[F]

Just do it, man.

[B]

It's a two hour podcast. Other guest coming.

[A]

So hungry.

[B]

I'm dying right now. Yeah, let's go, let's go.

[C]

This is on you hold on until the windshield wiper. In the moment that the windshield wiper was went off. I have to give it to. I have to blame it on AR because it escalated to a place that it didn't need to double escalation. It was a double escal.

[B]

Like a double tap on a squash.

[A]

Like a double homicide.

[C]

I'm blaming Ari and it has nothing to do with the fact that I open for you. It's the windshield wiper.

[B]

Thank you so much.

[C]

There's a maliciousness there that is no longer funny.

[B]

Pretty hilarious. All right, give Ari sh.

[D]

Thank you. And I also have a special on Netflix as well.

[B]

I just want to let everyone know that we ended the podcast, but then now new after, you know, after our podcast is done, there's mingling that occurs and there's new information. Information that arises.

[D]

We're friends in real life too.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. So this is a new piece of information that we can probably put on Patreon. Right. That is very interesting to me. All right, so after the incident occurred, and this is probably during the ice cube incident that I pulled back on. Right.

[D]

I can't believe what happened that you.

[B]

Okay. Anyway, what happened?

[D]

Okay, so Duncan Trussell, comedian at the time, was the talent coiner at the Comedy.

[B]

He was the guy that booked the axe at the store.

[D]

Yeah. Which really is just taking notes from Mitzy. We were talking about how there's no repercussions. And I was like, oh, yeah. Oh, okay. So Duncan said on his own, Mitzy found out about this and she was very upset and wants answers. Mitzy never heard about it. Duncan just.

[B]

I would argue though that she did, cuz I. Because it is something. Something where I would say to Mitzy because I had a direct line to her.

[D]

Yeah.

[F]

About like, hey, this guy.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, this guy just on my car.

[D]

I don't think you did. Because when I was punching you, you didn't even call her.

[B]

Oh, that's right.

[D]

So.

[B]

Good point, good point. Okay, so continue.

[D]

So he goes, we want an answer to this. And Jim wrote a. A note, a letter to Mitzy through Duncan said, please give this to Mitzi as my explanation. Again. Now Mitzy never heard about this in any way.

[F]

Yeah.

[D]

The only reason I know about the note is because it didn't get to Mitzy. The note said I wanted to leave that night. He's just ratted me up. Ari wouldn't let me. As if he's a 9 year old. As if he's not a human grown adult without. With his own.

[C]

Hey, sure. Okay.

[D]

Freedom. He goes, oh, he wouldn't let. Let me. Ari in a bag. Ari, then put the on the car. Now listen, I'll give you a. We. We put the on the car. But I believe I shaded it and gave it to him. And then he put it.

[B]

But now the reason why I. The information that I knew was because of the letter.

[D]

Because of the letter. But that was him lying to get out of stuff.

[C]

I see.

[D]

Because he's acting like he didn't do anything in this. Because I get it. He might get in trouble. Trouble in this situation and have to really like not get spots.

[B]

Okay, okay.

[D]

So he's. He's trying to save his own ass.

[F]

Yeah.

[D]

And he gave that letter to Mitzi, but to Duncan through Mitzi. Duncan at that point called me and goes I got a letter you gotta see.

[F]

Okay, here we go. Yeah, yeah.

[D]

And he gave me the letter.

[F]

Yeah.

[D]

And I said, well, don't tell him that I got this.

[B]

What's going on?

[D]

I have this.

[A]

I don't know.

[B]

They called me back. Oh, they did?

[D]

Got new info.

[C]

Yeah, that was new information.

[B]

Go real quick. The setup is this. Okay. Let me just rearrange it really quickly because you missed it. Right.

[A]

So hungry.

[B]

I. I know you are. I know. I. I understand that, but you have to. You're very important to this. Okay, here's the thing. Okay. All right. And I'll give you money to eat. He's known for that.

[F]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

I have my wallet upstairs. Just wait. Okay. So here's some chips for you. And they're called. I don't know. Anyway, so real quick, right. Duncan Trussell used to be the talent coordinator of the Comedy Store. Right. He calls Ari and goes, mitzi.

[D]

Jim.

[B]

What?

[D]

Calls Jim.

[B]

Oh, you said then.

[D]

But I mean, it wasn't me. He called Jim. He didn't call me.

[B]

Well, he called Jim and goes, mitzi found out about this and she's really mad about it. Right. And so what Jim Painter did want

[D]

to know what happened.

[F]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

Jim Painter did. Is write Mitzi a letter that Mitzi didn't even know about. She didn't know about the Pooh. There was some trickery happening on Duncan Truncal's part.

[C]

He just wanted to hear about it.

[F]

Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

Is that it?

[D]

Just wanted to keep it going.

[B]

Yeah. He's stirring the pot.

[D]

I get it. Stirring the pot.

[B]

I also have to. I also have to say this, though, real quick, too, is that I had a very close relationship with Duncan Trussell. Right. So there is communications going on with him. Him as well.

[D]

So Jim wrote a note saying, I didn't want to leave. Ari wouldn't let me. I wanted to leave. Or he wouldn't let me.

[B]

He.

[D]

He forced me to do it. He. In a bag. He put the. On the car. He might have said, we put the. On the car. But that's why I think it was him, because he was lying. He was ratting on me, and he was lying to get himself out of trouble.

[B]

Which now, if you think about it, too, he's a rat.

[D]

He's a rat.

[B]

Right.

[C]

Yes.

[B]

And so the p. Makes more sense.

[C]

Sense that you're saying it's just.

[B]

You pe on a rat's car. Yeah, I instinctually can see a rat.

[D]

You can see a rat?

[F]

Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

And I can feel a rat. Right. And what does one do when you see a rat? You.

[C]

You pee on their car?

[B]

You pee on their car. You pee on.

[F]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

You poison them with piss.

[F]

Yeah, you poison.

[D]

So Duncan shows me the letter.

[F]

Yeah, yeah.

[D]

Mitzy never gets involved, but. But Jim thinks Mitzi's involved. He's like, I gotta. I gotta save my own skin. Which we've all been there. Young comic. You do what you got to do.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

So Duncan gives it to me and I was like, print that out and let me have it.

[F]

Yeah.

[D]

And I saved it.

[B]

You saved the letter?

[D]

I saved the letter.

[B]

You still have the letter?

[A]

Do you have it with you right now?

[D]

Not right now.

[B]

Okay, I will have a letter up, but I don't want a doctored letter.

[D]

Oh, no, no, no. If I have a picture, I got a picture. I can look and maybe.

[B]

Okay, wow.

[D]

I saved it because. Here's the reason I saved it.

[B]

Why?

[D]

Because I printed out two copies a year later.

[F]

Yeah.

[D]

Now you're a rat, which is the number one thing. You cannot be at the comedy 100% a rat. So we're going to La Hoya.

[B]

You and James.

[D]

Me and James. Rick Ingram. Yeah, we had those. You know, you go Wednesday and stay. Stay Wednesday night and Thursday, stay at the. Yeah, so we did that. We had a great time. We had a blast.

[F]

Yeah.

[D]

I arranged the lineup that night.

[F]

Yeah.

[D]

So that of the three of us, we're going to head back Thursday night. We're all broke. Of the three of us, Jim would be the last one on of the LA comics.

[B]

Okay.

[D]

Rick Ingram gets off stage. I was already on. Rick Ingram gets off stage. It's like a 10.

[B]

Can I just say this too? Right at the time, Rick Ingram was still almost unfollowable.

[C]

Really?

[D]

Yeah. There was a host, though.

[B]

But yes, he's very funny.

[D]

Yeah, yeah. He's crushing crowd work. Just.

[F]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[D]

But anyway, Rick gets off. He's like, I thank you, everybody. You know, he gets off. They bring on Jim. I gave a note to the bouncer there, the door guy.

[F]

Yeah.

[D]

And I said, hand this to Jim when he comes. Gets off. And it's that letter folded up with a red lettering on it that says rat.

[B]

Wow.

[D]

Is a year later.

[F]

Oh, wow.

[D]

And then I told Rick, I'm like, we're leaving. You can come with me or you can stay here. I don't care.

[C]

Dude, that's incredible.

[D]

Or the way home.

[C]

He just left.

[D]

And Rick's like, what? What?

[F]

What? Yeah.

[A]

Before he got on and did this,

[D]

after he's on stage now he'll be on for seven more minutes. The door guys, like, present the this to. To Jim when he gets off.

[F]

Yeah.

[D]

And then we're in the car and we're going.

[F]

Yeah.

[D]

Rick's like, I'll go, but can you tell him what I'm like, in on the five? I'll tell you.

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

I, I presume there are two rats in the story.

[D]

Yeah.

[E]

Oh, the plot thickens.

[B]

Yeah, Yeah, I, I believe.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

And this is. And I hope this doesn't interfere with our relationship. Right. But I think, I think you are as well a rat.

[D]

In what way?

[B]

In the way of, like, you pushed him on to you. Doing the.

[D]

No, rat means telling on.

[F]

It does.

[B]

A dirt bag. I'm not a snake.

[C]

Maybe.

[B]

Oh, you're a snake. You're a snake.

[E]

Snake and rats are different.

[B]

I'm sorry, my bad. You're a snake. You're not a rat.

[D]

Wrong.

[F]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

He's a rat. You're a snake.

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

What am I?

[D]

What?

[B]

You're.

[C]

You're a worm.

[B]

I'm a worm. I'm a worm.

[C]

All right.

[D]

See, that's worms and snakes.

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

What do worms do?

[C]

I'm a worm.

[B]

We. We.

[A]

Cockroach.

[B]

I'm a cockroach. More. I never die.

[C]

Yeah. Okay.

[B]

I survive.

[D]

Survive.

[F]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

I'm a survivor.

[D]

On.

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

I go. I'll go on and on and on.

[D]

So we left and then Jim got off stage. Same thing. Hey, all right, everybody. Hey. And then the door guy's like, here. He goes, what's this? And he's like, rat. And then he opens it up and it says, dear Mitzi.

[F]

Oh, oh, wow.

[D]

I, I, I need to tell you, explain to you what happened. He goes, hey, where's Ari? And they go, ari's gone. And he goes. And he read the whole thing like, where's Ari?

[B]

He has no ride back to la. He's in San Diego. Wow.

[A]

Wow.

[E]

No money.

[F]

Yeah.

[D]

So we arrived back at the Comedy Store.

[F]

Yes.

[D]

With about an hour and 50 minutes. We get right back there.

[B]

Yes.

[D]

We're hanging out in the parking lot.

[F]

Yeah.

[D]

And then we're talking. Freddy's there, a bunch of people there. The manager comes out about 20 minutes after I got there and goes, hey, I just got a call from Lahore. Did you leave Jim Painter there? Didn't even tell anyone.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

And everyone's like, what? I'm like, rats get what rats get.

[B]

And that's so true. So true.

[A]

Where is he? Where is this guy now?

[C]

He come he comes on Monday sometimes.

[D]

I said, hi.

[A]

Is he the Hawk?

[B]

We're not going to do that.

[A]

Is he? Huh?

[B]

I don't know.

[D]

He influenced more of us more than almost anybody.

[B]

He was so funny.

[D]

And he had to make the same decision you had to make. He goes, well, I want to get Ari back now. And then he had the same realization.

[B]

He told me later there is no

[D]

and then what will happen? And he goes, I'm not equipped for this ongoing fight.

[A]

Was he also, I'm.

[D]

Let it die.

[B]

No, but it's also the resilience of the Jew.

[D]

Oh, that. And that.

[B]

I think that's the moral of the story. I think that's the moral of the story.

[D]

The resilience of the Jew.

[B]

The resilience of the Jew.

[F]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[D]

And that's it. That he never did it again.

[F]

Yeah, he never did it.

[D]

People start saying it was a year to the day.

[F]

It wasn't. Yeah.

[B]

I think you're a MASSAD agent, dude.

[D]

I mean, I saved that letter for so long and I'm like, I know what I'm going to do with it. I just have to figure out the time. We're headed down once.

[B]

Discipline. To wait a year. You. I mean, shows conniving, crazy Discipline. Yes, discipline.

[D]

One time we were headed down there with Jim and. But Mitzy was going that. That day it was like, can't do it, cuz. She.

[B]

Oh, right.

[C]

What are you doing her A photo of him if she. She remembers him. He comes around on Mondays. I've seen him before. This is like kind of not the greatest photo, but it's all that pops up.

[D]

Wow.

[C]

But there is this.

[A]

He does this. He does this thing now when he. He's a lot older.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And he does this thing now every. After every punchline he goes, yeah.

[B]

Oh, I see.

[F]

Okay.

[C]

So now I just. I.

[B]

He has a hook.

[C]

I. Yes.

[F]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[C]

He's working.

[D]

Burger.

[C]

He's working. He's working it out.

[B]

On. He's working out. Okay. Well, God bless him.

[F]

Yeah.

[B]

There's no. There's no animosity. Pure peace, you know what I mean?

[D]

He got his.

[F]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Can I ask you a question, Ari?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

If you had the cum ice cubes.

[D]

Don't spray it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

If you had the cum ice cubes, would you have the foresight to be like, this is too much, or would you have done the.

[D]

If I had a tray of. Of two cubes of ice cube.

[A]

Yeah. And.

[C]

Oh, interesting. Had she been a. Said, had you been in Bobby's place

[D]

And I had gone. And it wasn't just like, I thought, I'll do it, but I had been doing it. And I'd say, so there's work wasted if you don't use it. Sure.

[E]

Two months.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

So you're coming on top of frozen cubes at some point. Oh, yeah.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

The layer cake.

[D]

Lunatic.

[C]

It's probably like when you Jello.

[D]

Would I have used.

[B]

I was so mad.

[D]

I believe I. I believe I might have. It depends. But I also might have been like, they're gonna. I might have thought. Yeah, you were mad because if.

[B]

If I drank your cube.

[D]

Yeah. What would you have done? You were ready to stop it. Poop on the window.

[B]

No, I. I would have gone to Mitzi.

[D]

Yeah. You'd be like, I don't want to live like this. This is not.

[B]

Yeah, I can't. I'm going to go to Laugh act or Improv. I think I had that weight.

[D]

I can't be here anymore.

[B]

I can't be.

[F]

Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

And I think that. That there would be a regional effect.

[A]

But you wouldn't. You wouldn't have been afraid of the next step, would you?

[D]

Yeah, no, I would have to have been afraid. Yeah, you have to.

[B]

You have to end it peacefully.

[D]

Yeah.