Harland Williams & Your Lips are Udamu

Summary

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TigerBelly Podcast: “Harland Williams & Your Lips are Udamu”

Date: April 22, 2026
Host: Bobby Lee and Khalyla
Guest: Harland Williams

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Episode Overview

This episode of TigerBelly is a whimsical, unfiltered romp through vivid improvisation, animal lore, and juvenile banter, with comedian Harland Williams joining Bobby Lee, Khalyla, and crew. The main theme centers on playful pseudo-scientific deep dives about human anatomy (notably the anus and clitoris), fantastical animal discoveries, and extended riffs exposing the absurdity of human nature and culture. The conversation blends high-energy improv, faux-educational moments, and Harland’s signature off-kilter humor, making it a showcase of TigerBelly’s unique, chaotic chemistry.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

I. Opening Banter: Hair Oil, Eye-Flirting, and Absurd Compliments

• (00:28–04:36): The group opens with light banter about scents, hair oil, and Bobby’s confusion about “Sephora.”
  • Memorable improv: An escalating game of surreal compliments (“Your eyes are as puffy as a blueberry cobbler on my grandmother's window ledge and four chickadees fly down and peck at the cinnamony crust…” – Bobby, 02:51)
  • Attempting to out-eloquent each other with wild analogies, culminating in the phrase “your lips are Udamu” (04:28)

II. Improvised "Eloquence Lessons" & The Value of Silliness

• (04:36–07:00): Harland teaches Bobby “eloquence” in exchange for “lettuce” (cash), riffing on the value of adding bonuses to bits (“If you think I'm just gonna do one and not give a buddy a freebie, a bonus at the end…” – Harland, 06:05).
• A two-minute poetic roast of Bobby’s face spontaneously performed:
  • “Your face puffs in the night like a lighthouse at the edge of the world…” (07:33)

III. Animal Behavior and Store Mishaps: The European Wax Center

• (09:44–13:17): Khalyla and Harland swap stories about waxing. Harland hilariously mistakes a waxing center for a candle shop:
  • Harland’s Confusion: "I went in to get candles...I came out an hour later with a Brazilian and I've been walking sideways like a horseshoe crab..." (10:08)

IV. Mystery & Relationships at the Comedy Store

• (15:00–16:00): Harland discusses his mysterious “relationship approach” to other comics:
  • “I like to kind of keep you, like, twisted on your heels. I never want you to know where you sit with me or how we stand.” (15:23)

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V. The Faux-Science Deep Dive:

The Anatomy of Anus and Clitoris (“Professor Williams from DeVry”)

Harland Williams launches into an extended bit as a supposed DeVry-accredited expert on human anatomy.

• (19:49–24:49):

  • The “a-nuples” (the scientific name for the wrinkles around the anus) and their purpose: "What they do is they help the inertia of the loaf." (20:43)
  • Comparative anatomy and evolutionary biology explanation for why the inner anus is pink—tracing back to the “IKEA noose” of great apes.

• (41:24–47:30):

  • Harland also claims to have minored in “clitoris” studies.

  • Analogies to mysterious places (Mariana Trench), leading to an extended and hilarious search for a clitoris, using various dog breeds as analogies (notably the Shar Pei for visual confusion):

    • “That’s like a can of Pringles that’s spilled out in the back of a John Deere truck.” (47:02)

  • Dismisses any hope for male understanding: “Where do we go? Where do we look? ... Good luck.” (47:19)

VI. “Professor Williams’s” Animal Discoveries

(53:12–73:45):

Harland flexes his faux-zoologist muscle, delighting the group with made-up animal species:

• The Annual Fish:
  • A variation on the anglerfish; this one lures prey and “shits in their faces” to avoid competition. (54:20)
• The Bugle Crow:
  • Local crows that use Bugle chips as hunting tools, pretending bugles serve as extended talons for catching fish (57:00).
• The Horny Toad/Tampex Lizard:
  • A real fact (horned lizards shoot blood from their eyes) is joined with the invented “tampex lizard” whose relationship is as symbiotic as an oxpecker on a wildebeest. (71:12)

Notable Gameplay:

• The group constantly “googles” animal pictures, disrupts each other with absurd “facts,” and riffs on the profound and the pointless:
  • “It’s a bloody good picture. He’s really cramped in there. That’s all I’m going to say about appearance.” (74:38)

VII. The Mythical Discovery: Glendale’s “Sasquiat”

• (75:09–83:16):
  • Harland narrates a tale of “hitting” a sasquatch-like creature in Glendale, which turns out to be “Armenian.”
    • “Finally, his eyes fluttered open and he looked at me right in the face. He said, ‘I'm Armenian.’ And I just drove away.” (82:20)

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Notable Quotes & Moments

| Timestamp | Speaker | Quote / Moment | |-----------|--------------------|----------------| | 02:51 | Bobby / Harland | “Your eyes are as puffy as a blueberry cobbler on my grandmother's window ledge and four chickadees fly down and peck at the cinnamony crust...” | | 10:08 | Harland | "I came out an hour later with a Brazilian and I've been walking sideways like a horseshoe crab..." | | 15:23 | Harland | “I like to kind of keep you, like, twisted on your heels. I never want you to know where you sit with me…” | | 20:43 | Harland (Prof.) | "What they do is they help the inertia of the loaf… the a-nuples." | | 41:24 | Harland | “Clitoris? Yes. Memorize. It’s very important.” | | 47:02 | Harland | “That’s like a can of Pringles that’s spilled out in the back of a John Deere truck.” | | 71:12 | Harland | “So that’s what a horny toad does… once a month they get together and they do a mating dance and the horny toad squirts blood onto the tampex lizard…” | | 74:38 | Harland | “It’s a bloody good picture. He’s really cramped in there.” | | 82:20 | Harland | "Finally, his eyes fluttered open and he looked at me right in the face. He said, ‘I'm Armenian.’" |

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Extended Topics & Debates

How Do We Know Each Other?

• Digression on comedy club friendships, the defense mechanisms comics build, and how humor is used to deflect intimacy.

Is Antarctica a Conspiracy?

• (92:01–94:13):
  • Chat on Antarctica as a possible cover for hidden civilizations; musings on the moon landing as another cosmic mystery.

Hope, Humanity, and the “Project Hail Mary” Movie Review

• (94:00–96:45):
  • A rare earnest section: Bobby explains how seeing humanity work together from space gives him hope, paralleling the emotional impact of movies like “Deep Impact” and “Project Hail Mary.”
  • “...all the turmoil and the hatred and the war and the borders and the divides, and you realize we're all just one.” (95:29, Harland)

Film Promotion

• (100:13–104:47):
  • Harland debuts his film “Wingman” and shares its trailer live—a first on a podcast. Bobby and Harland discuss the excitement and creative control of self-financed projects.

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Section Timestamps—Quick Reference

• 00:28–04:36: Opening gags, “Udamu” lips, eye compliments
• 04:36–07:00: Eloquence rift, improv roast, money-for-metaphors
• 09:44–13:17: Wax center story, sideways crabs
• 15:00–16:00: Relationship games at the Comedy Store
• 19:49–24:49: The science of the a-nuples and loaf inertia
• 41:24–47:30: The search for the elusive clitoris; Shar Pei analogy
• 53:12–73:45: “Discovered” animal species and faux biology lessons
• 75:09–83:16: Glendale Sasquatch myth, “Armenian” reveal
• 94:00–96:45: Humanity, unity, emotion, “Project Hail Mary” review
• 100:13–104:47: Preview of Harland’s “Wingman” movie

---

Tone & Closing Remarks

The episode maintains an irreverent, playful, and improvisational tone. Harland’s faux-authority, Bobby’s blunt curiosity, and Khalyla’s dry asides make for rapid-fire, unpredictable chemistry.

“I didn’t know you could learn so much from DeVry.” (83:15, Bobby)
“It never stops.” (83:22, Harland)

Listeners walk away with a wild blend of fact, fiction, and farce—plus an appreciation for the freeing power of being a little ridiculous with friends.

Transcript

[A]

What's that you're wearing? Smells like White Lotus or something.

[B]

That's my hair oil.

[C]

Oh, you should get him some.

[A]

I haven't heard that term in a long time. Really?

[D]

My hair oil?

[A]

No, that's my hair. Oh, really?

[D]

Who. Who? Who'd you hear that from before, in the past?

[A]

I don't know. I think I heard it.

[D]

Your grandmother? Your grandmother?

[A]

No, no, it was the Shell station in Bakersfield.

[D]

Oh, I see. Was she working behind the counter? I don't know. Yeah. You. You don't know anything, do you?

[A]

I don't know much.

[D]

I know.

[B]

What, does it smell good to you?

[A]

It smells good.

[D]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's her product that she created.

[A]

You've created a product set?

[B]

Sephora. Do you want one?

[A]

Sessa fora. What'd she say?

[D]

Sesa fora. Sesa fora.

[A]

It's pronounced Sephora.

[D]

Oh, it is?

[A]

Yeah. It's already a big company, all right.

[D]

I didn't know that.

[A]

They sell makeup all over North America. North America?

[B]

Yeah, whole world.

[D]

Your eyes

[A]

say it.

[D]

Your eyes get the hair oil.

[B]

Air oil. That's not the hair oil.

[A]

Don't leave my eyes hanging. I'm seducing the camera. You said your eye and then you just left it. And I'm doing this.

[D]

Yeah, yeah. I want you to keep doing it.

[A]

I am. But you just, like, left you.

[D]

Your eyes are blue as the.

[B]

Oh, bless you.

[A]

Direct.

[D]

It wrecked it.

[A]

I'm seducing. I'm seducing.

[D]

Are you being real right now, dude?

[E]

Yeah.

[D]

Are you being absolutely real right now, dude?

[E]

Can I get a. Bless you?

[A]

I did.

[B]

I gave you one.

[D]

Yeah, bless you.

[A]

No, I'm seducing six cameras and I get, like, a SARS sneeze.

[D]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You got us. That was more bird flu.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[D]

It was a bird flu. Yeah.

[A]

Could we do it again without the.

[D]

I really can't.

[A]

Well, what about what I want? Not what you want.

[D]

I'll try it again.

[A]

Thanks. That's all I asked.

[D]

Your nose.

[A]

Eyes.

[D]

I want to go nose.

[A]

I don't do nose.

[D]

You don't do nose?

[A]

I don't do nose.

[D]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Your eyes are as deep as an open wound on a blue whale's fin.

[A]

Thank you.

[D]

You're welcome. But give me one.

[A]

Your eyes are as puffy as a lemon meringue pie. I'm not finished. Why?

[D]

Oh, it's all right.

[A]

Your eyes are as puffy. I'm changing it to a blueberry cobbler on my grandmother's window ledge and four chickadees fly down and peck at the cinnamony crust on top.

[D]

Okay, let's go more. What do. Can you do one to me or can I do one to you?

[B]

Okay, yeah. My eyes, though.

[D]

No, not your eyes.

[B]

Oh, yeah, my lips. Since you make fun of them a lot.

[D]

Yeah. Okay. Your lips are like a Seth. Can I start over? Can I start over? Whoa,

[A]

Seth.

[D]

Seth Green. Oh, that's.

[A]

Start over.

[D]

Start over.

[A]

That's a woman. That's a lady.

[D]

You don't.

[A]

You don't. Seth Green. A woman. All right.

[B]

You don't Seth Green me.

[D]

All right.

[B]

Okay.

[D]

Your lips are like a. No north.

[A]

Wow.

[D]

Dude, I can't do it. No, I'm not okay today.

[A]

What's going on?

[D]

Give me another one to her lip. I'm gonna do. Your lips look like a west Congo lake pufferfish. Oh, I like deep within. You mean a quagmire of different rocks that smashed his face. And. And the moisture, what they call blood form a puffy gel. Right. Called Udemo. That was not as good as yours. I would have just said, yeah, yeah, yeah. I try to go long with you. I don't think I'm as good at that.

[A]

I would.

[D]

That's it. That's what I was talking about. That's what I was talking about.

[A]

Udamu was all you needed. You could have just gone, your lips are Udamu. Oh, you did all that other hyperbole.

[D]

Yeah, hyperbole. Yeah. Isn't that what. Isn't that what you did?

[A]

Did I do what's called eloquent?

[D]

Oh, you do eloquent?

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Can you teach me eloquent?

[A]

Sure.

[D]

Yeah, Teach me something.

[A]

Well, let's see some lettuce, guy. Lettuce not giving you a freebie.

[D]

You need money?

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Oh, yeah, yeah. You want some lettuce?

[A]

Yeah. What do you got? What do you got? Play hair.

[D]

Yeah, yeah. There you go. How you doing? You want some lettuce?

[A]

Go. Give me the letter.

[D]

Here's some letters for you, baby. What's up a dollar?

[A]

Okay.

[E]

What?

[A]

What do you want the what what word?

[D]

Nobody teach me how to do eloquence.

[A]

I am, but you got to give me the topic you want.

[D]

Oh, really?

[A]

You're paying for it.

[C]

His face.

[D]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Do his face.

[A]

Your face is like a jacko lantern glowing in the night on Jeffrey Dmer's front porch. It's illuminated with candles and you end up eating your own face. Cuz you're a cannibal, you freak. And that was a. That was a bonus I did a bonus freak.

[D]

I think what it is is that unumu was an incent essential. What do you call that? What do we call what? That. What do you go freak? What do you call.

[B]

Oh, oh, oh, auto.

[A]

No.

[D]

Well, yeah, kind of accentuate. Is that the word? Accentuate?

[A]

Accentuate. Not accentuate, Accentuate.

[D]

Accentuate.

[A]

But to me it was just a bonus I threw because you gave me a dog. Okay, you're a friend if you are. Yeah. If you think I'm just gonna do one and not give a buddy a freebie, a bonus at the end. Yeah, I added on. I could have just said freak.

[B]

Oh.

[D]

So if I give you more money, but I went, all right if I give you more. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

And that's a bonus here. Oh, you want another one?

[D]

Yeah, here's a two rare two dollar bill.

[A]

Oh, wow.

[D]

Wow. You don't see these anymore.

[A]

Why do you have a rare two dollar bill?

[D]

It's luck. It's my lucky two dollar bill. I'll never use it.

[A]

So it's been in your wallet for how long?

[D]

25 years. Jesus.

[A]

Wow, dude. Wow.

[D]

What do I get for this?

[A]

Well, you give me another word. Another.

[D]

Yeah, but this one has to be two minutes long.

[A]

Okay. You think that's hard for me?

[D]

I don't think it's hard for you. Can somebody have a timer?

[B]

Yep.

[D]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Time this one right, and then I'm gonna tell you're gonna do George, our producer's face.

[A]

But they can't see him, so they don't know. All right, but if you wanna put

[D]

talk about my nose, then.

[B]

Oh, you got a timer up there? Okay.

[D]

You talking about my nose?

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

My lips?

[A]

Yeah. How about your whole face?

[D]

Yeah, do my whole face.

[A]

Okay.

[D]

Two minutes.

[A]

Two minutes.

[D]

A rare $2 bill.

[A]

Who's timing it?

[D]

We are, right now.

[A]

Oh, so I don't get paid till after I do it?

[D]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

Okay.

[D]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

Tell me when the timer starts.

[D]

4, 3, 2, 1.

[A]

Your face puffs in the night like a lighthouse at the edge of the world. It radiates a soft yellow light across the top of the ocean. Flickering, dancing square dancing, sniffing the night like a anteater blowing ants backwards out of its nose. Your eyes drip down your face like runny fried eggs in the dumpster in Denny's. And the massive pussy zit on your chin boils like a volcano crying in the night. Your whiskers dangle down like elk pubis brushing the forest floor where the mushroom people live, the elves and the ants fleeing, thinking that perhaps, maybe this time the hair monster has come. Your eyes and your hair, your cheeks puffed up like Chinese roasted potatoes boiling in a pot deep in the heart of Koreatown. Even though the Chinese, your ears full of wax, finding their way in the middle of the night to the European Wax center at 5729 Melrose Boulevard and dripping, dripping through the blackness of night onto an altar boy crying, crying behind the Dairy Queen in the middle of winter where two homosexuals are playing in the snow and making snow anals. Yes. Your face puffs like a disease dripping down the side of Helen Keller's hairy leg and forming a puddle that inches its way closer to the sea with a salmon spawn and squirt.

[D]

You did it.

[C]

Time.

[D]

Wow. Wow. Here you go, baby. Wow. Wow.

[B]

Like, my favorite was a European wax center. Cuz I've been there, I've gotten my bush wax there.

[A]

You did?

[B]

Once upon a time. Yeah.

[A]

See, I went in there about three weeks ago.

[D]

You did?

[A]

I was driving by and I saw it. It was at a strip mall.

[D]

It's a European wax center.

[A]

I was like, I haven't bought candles in ages. And I go in.

[D]

Yeah, yeah. Are you being real?

[A]

I'm being real. I come out.

[D]

You thought it was a candle store.

[A]

I went in to get candles. I was looking. Blueberry crayons, cinnamon, raspberry.

[D]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

I came out an hour later with a Brazilian and I've been walking sideways like a horseshoe crab for about three weeks.

[D]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's not what that is. Well, I never thought it was a.

[A]

Yeah, now I know.

[D]

I think a normal person would have been like, oh, you don't sell candles here. I'm going to leave.

[A]

Well, European wax center, like guys don't know.

[D]

You're Canadian.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Okay.

[A]

But Europe, do you know what like a wax center is?

[D]

Yes, I do.

[A]

You're a guy.

[D]

I know.

[A]

Have you ever been. Did you ever go through what I went through?

[D]

No, I never did.

[A]

Okay.

[D]

What do you mean okay?

[A]

Well, I went through a trauma.

[D]

Oh, it's a trauma.

[A]

Well, you seem to just be rolling.

[D]

I know. For your own trauma.

[A]

I didn't know. I thought I was getting a candle.

[D]

Oh. Oh, I see.

[A]

I thought it was getting.

[D]

Oh, so you probably went in there.

[A]

Right.

[D]

Can I buy a candle?

[A]

Right.

[D]

Which is code word for can I get waxed?

[A]

They slapped me down.

[D]

They slapped. You paid.

[A]

I paid.

[D]

You went back inside a room.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Right.

[A]

It laid you down, hold my pants off.

[D]

Yeah. And you go Whoa. Where are my candles?

[A]

Yeah. And they wax my vagina.

[D]

Yeah, I heard your vagina is very nice.

[A]

It's smooth.

[D]

Yeah, yeah, it's very. I'd like to see it one day.

[A]

You would.

[D]

They're like armadillo toes.

[A]

No, I said it's.

[D]

Is that what you said?

[A]

You'd like to see it one day?

[D]

Did you see they look like armadillo?

[A]

No, I said it's as smooth as an armadillos. And then you cut me off.

[D]

Oh, I created toes.

[A]

But if you'd like to see it,

[D]

I would show you now. I like to see it.

[A]

I was. I'd love to show.

[D]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But does it look beautiful?

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Sit down, sit down. What are you doing?

[A]

You said you wanted to see.

[D]

Yeah, I don't want to see your fucking vagina right now. Because I don't. Because I don't like armadillo toes.

[A]

You just said.

[D]

No, no, please don't.

[A]

What the hell? Why won't you let me show up?

[D]

What are you doing, dude? I'm trying to pull your dick out, dude.

[A]

Well, fix it. Quit pretending you don't know how to do this.

[D]

This loop right here.

[E]

Nice belt.

[D]

And we're good. Sit down.

[A]

Okay. Well, I don't know why you asked me anyways. How are you? Good.

[E]

How are your pants?

[D]

That's what it looks like. Okay, good. Thank you for the reference. Yeah.

[E]

Like, rough, though.

[B]

Scaly.

[D]

The scaly. Yeah.

[A]

Those things are like nature's tanks. I used to drive an 18 wheeler, and I was down in Florida.

[D]

You were?

[A]

And one of these things ran across. Across the road. I hit it.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

And my 18 wheeler flipped up over end. And that little hole, that little critter.

[D]

Just don't call it a.

[A]

It kept going.

[D]

Don't call that.

[A]

It ruined my rig.

[D]

Oh, you can call it.

[A]

If something ruins my 18 wheeler, my Mac, I'm gonna call it a. You know what.

[D]

Yeah, yeah. Did it survive?

[A]

Yeah, I told you, it ran off. Yeah, my rig. And I was hauling rebar. And that's heavy.

[D]

Rebar. Yeah, that's very heavy.

[A]

Hit it. And then the whole rig.

[D]

Wow. I didn't know that armadillos were that strong.

[A]

Over. Boom, boom, off he goes to eat mealworms and grubs, Right? Dragonfly larva.

[D]

It was almost as if Michael Bay was there filming it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Or. Who?

[E]

Christopher Nolan, Dark Knight.

[A]

Who's your nutty friend?

[D]

I got him from a special place.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[E]

You don't know Christopher. Christopher Nolan, Dark Knight. He flips the whole rig over.

[A]

He did?

[E]

Yeah.

[D]

No, it's doing a Michael Bay joke. Oh, yeah.

[E]

Oh, because you know him, right?

[D]

Don't be like this. I mean, Harlan knows a lot of people.

[A]

Are you having a fight?

[D]

No, we're not even fighting.

[A]

I know Michael Bay, don't you?

[D]

Yeah, he goes to the store a lot.

[A]

I did a commercial for him once.

[D]

Did you really? Yeah, yeah, I did one too, for him as well.

[A]

Which one? Can we talk about it or.

[D]

I don't want to talk about it. Don't want to talk about it.

[A]

Can you name the product at least?

[D]

It was Pepsi. Pepsi. Pepsi. Pepsi. Oh, what was yours from? Squirt.

[A]

I did a Squirt.

[D]

Wow. Yeah. But this guy right here, do you guys. Have you met before? Him?

[A]

Yeah, you were last time.

[D]

I was here last, yeah. And you, you like him?

[A]

I don't know him well enough. Yeah, I don't dislike them.

[D]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

But I. I don't know him.

[D]

Yeah. What is the feeling, though? Is it positive or negative?

[A]

Positive.

[D]

It's a positive feeling.

[A]

Yeah. Seems like a friendly, nice, nice guy, but, yeah, I don't know him.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Give you knuckles just now.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[D]

Give you knuckles?

[E]

Well, I've seen him at the store, too, so.

[A]

Yeah, now and then.

[D]

Yeah, now.

[A]

But I don't know him. I don't know him.

[D]

But if you saw him at the Comedy Store, would you say hi?

[A]

Yeah, I've said hi to him.

[D]

Yeah. Yeah. Sometimes you ignore me. Sometimes. Yeah, yeah. Why?

[A]

I like to play a little game of mystery with you.

[D]

Yeah. You and our mystery people.

[A]

I like to keep you on a hook.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

I like to keep you on a line. I like you to never know if you're on steady ground with me.

[D]

Yeah. And you're not.

[A]

I like to play with your mind.

[D]

Your mind and your toes.

[A]

I like to kind of keep you, like, twisted on your heels.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

I never want you to know where you sit with me or how we stand. Well, you are.

[D]

Or what I'm doing.

[A]

What's my journey.

[D]

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[D]

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[B]

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[D]

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[B]

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[D]

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[D]

I hate stress too, dude. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

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[D]

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[D]

Yeah.

[B]

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[A]

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[B]

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[D]

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[B]

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[C]

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[A]

I'm thinking about you right now.

[D]

I'm thinking about you, too.

[A]

I'm looking.

[D]

I was somewhere, literally just thinking about you.

[A]

But I'm looking over this way.

[D]

Yeah, I'm looking this way. But you know what? It goes in a circle. You know how, like that new space rocket around the inertia.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

That's what my mind was doing. Inertia around the moon.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[D]

And it went right into his brain. Right. But he. His went into a black hole.

[B]

Artemis.

[D]

Yeah. And when I say black hole, I mean butthole.

[A]

Whoa, Whoa.

[D]

Is it not black Player?

[A]

Wait.

[D]

Why is that a bad thing to say?

[B]

Well, I didn't say anything.

[D]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, go ahead.

[E]

I didn't say anything.

[D]

Okay.

[B]

I've never been up there.

[E]

Nobody has.

[D]

Yeah. But I'm sure it's nice. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[E]

It's flat Earth.

[D]

You think it's flat Earth theory?

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[E]

Everybody's a flat butthole.

[B]

Oh, that's actually the most untrue thing.

[C]

You think your butthole is flat?

[B]

Oh, it's got ridges.

[E]

Well, when you're sitting down like this.

[D]

Harlan, you're an expert of buttholes, right?

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Right? Yeah. In terms of the ridges, why all the different parts?

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Right. So when you look at a butthole, right, those little, like, ridges, they look like wrinkles.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Why do they exist? He's an expert. He went to college. That was your master's, no. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What university?

[A]

DeVry.

[D]

DeVry. Yeah. DeVry. Five years to study the butthole at DeVry University, which is a long time, I believe.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

But you got your master's in it.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[D]

So the wrinkles on the butthole.

[A]

Well, they're actually not wrinkles. The scientific name is anupils. Oh.

[D]

They're anuples. And how many nuples does an average human being have?

[A]

The Average anus has 47.

[D]

47.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

And nuples.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Why do they exist?

[A]

Well, what they do is they help the inertia of the loaf.

[D]

Oh, is he. Is that the scientific term for feces? Yeah, the loaf. The loaf, yeah. Yeah. So I'm sorry, because I'm, you know, I'm the curious fellow.

[A]

I'm trying to give you the answer.

[D]

Why. Why do they call it the loaf? Because whenever I poo and I look at my poo, I don't go, oh, sourdough bread. I mean, I don't. It doesn't look like A baked.

[A]

What does it look like to you?

[D]

To me, it looks like a brown submarine.

[A]

Okay.

[D]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

And if you saw a submarine in the ocean.

[D]

Yes.

[A]

And you put crust on. Would look like a underwater loaf.

[D]

That is so true. You're the master.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

As a. Continue. So the nuples.

[A]

Yeah, the. A nuples.

[D]

The. A nuple.

[A]

A nuple.

[D]

And you called it the anus.

[A]

The anus.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

It just seems weird hearing the word a noose and then that giggle. Like, I'm gonna do it again. And I don't. You'll have to force the giggle.

[D]

No, I don't. I don't want to force a giggle.

[A]

But just if you could for. Because I'm.

[D]

I've never heard a noose before.

[A]

Ready? A noose. Oh, you don't have the giggle in you.

[D]

I don't have the giggle anymore.

[A]

So have you ever.

[D]

Do it again.

[A]

A news. Yeah. It's like if the pillberry Pillsbury Doughboy was addicted to ass.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

I think that's what it would say.

[D]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

Would you want me to do it in his voice and you could do Pillsbury Doughboy?

[D]

I would like to.

[A]

A news.

[D]

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

I think we found.

[D]

We found something together.

[A]

But back to the. A new.

[D]

And the. And then noople. No, don't. Don't Google it.

[A]

The new.

[D]

Because that's rude to our professor here. Yeah. Please take it out. Please. Thank you.

[A]

So there's physics behind the nuples.

[D]

The nuples.

[A]

Yeah. Right. So have you ever seen. And you can bring this up if you want. The. The pads on a gecko's fingers.

[D]

Oh, yeah, look that up. Pads of a gecko's fingers.

[B]

Adhesives.

[A]

It helps them. Well, they're little ridges and they help them stick to the walls, believe it or not. And so they're. Whoa.

[D]

There we are. See, is that like if I look at a normal human being's. An average human being's. A nuple.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[D]

Because sometimes I'm sure it's smaller with Brad Williams.

[A]

No, no. Picture the anuples as the lines on his fingers, but picture his palm as your aeneous. So the anuples on the outer rim of your aeneus.

[D]

Yes.

[A]

As those are designed to help him scale the walls. The anuples are designed to help pull your loaf out.

[D]

Wow.

[A]

It gives them traction.

[D]

So it has. It does have purpose.

[A]

It has a function. They have a function.

[D]

Wait, it's them.

[A]

Them. There's 47 of them.

[D]

They. Them.

[A]

Well, we don't know. We don't know.

[D]

Yeah, yeah. He, she, whatever.

[A]

There's 47 of them.

[D]

Yeah, there's 47 of them.

[A]

And so have you ever been mid loaf and it's sort of. You get a log jam.

[D]

What is a log jam?

[A]

I, I, that's when it sort of just stops. The loaf stops.

[D]

Oh, like, like the straight of hermuze.

[A]

Right.

[D]

Yes. It's like the straight of her moves. It just stops.

[A]

But then all of a sudden it starts moving again. And that's, well, that's, that's because.

[D]

All right. That's because somebody announced that maybe the war is going to end in a couple trickle out.

[A]

No, no.

[D]

Okay.

[A]

You're politicizing your loaf.

[D]

I am? I am. Oh, I am.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

I apologize.

[A]

You're really pulling politics into your a news. We don't want to go.

[D]

I'm going to, I'm going to loaf out the politics.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

All right, let's start. All right, so.

[A]

But if there's a log jam.

[D]

The log jam.

[A]

If you want to bring the gecko fingers up again. The nuples serve a physical function. They help those little ridges.

[D]

Yes.

[A]

They help extract the loaf.

[D]

Wow.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Now can, can I mean, you asked. I know what you went to college for it.

[A]

Devry. Let's say the name.

[D]

You went five years to study that specific part of the human body. Yeah. And why wouldn't ask that question is a very curious question. Am I not right, Clada? So can I ask you another question?

[A]

Go ahead. Sure.

[D]

Doctor.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Yeah, yeah. So if you look at the human ethnicity, will you agree that there are ethnicities on the earth?

[A]

Yes.

[D]

Yes. Why'd you have to think about it?

[A]

No, I didn't.

[D]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

I said yes almost instantaneously. Why did you try to deceive your audience and make them think I hesitated?

[D]

Because in editing we're leave a gap. A five second gap. Anyway, I'm kidding. Don't do that.

[A]

But I wouldn't mind if you left a five second.

[D]

Yeah, that'd be fun.

[A]

There's one thing I know. Girls like a stupid guy and so if you can make me look stupid. Yeah, that's gonna work for me. Even though I do have a degree from devry.

[D]

Yeah, that's right. So go. So if you like, if you have a black person, a brown person.

[A]

Right.

[D]

So you have the anus.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

A nuples.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Right. And if you the tube itself.

[A]

Right, Right.

[D]

No matter what race color the person is, it's always pink. Why is that?

[A]

Well, an easy question.

[D]

It is. Does this seem like an easy question?

[A]

Kalila, for someone who studied the new set, devry, it's an easy question.

[D]

What? You say anything?

[B]

Well, no, like, he's the professional from devry. I want to hear.

[D]

But. I know, but do you agree with what he's saying so far?

[B]

Yeah. Everything okay.

[D]

Good. Why aren't you writing it down?

[B]

Like, hi, I have been.

[D]

Okay, you guys are joint writing it down? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

All right.

[D]

So.

[A]

Okay.

[D]

Okay.

[A]

So as you.

[E]

What is this going to be on the test?

[D]

There's no test. There's no test.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[D]

Okay.

[A]

If you want to write and, you know, wreck your wrist and eventually have horrible arthritis, that's on you. As Darwin told us. As this Charles Darwin. Oh, yeah.

[D]

Okay.

[A]

As evolution tells us.

[D]

Yes.

[A]

We evolved from the great apes.

[D]

We really?

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Wow.

[A]

Yeah. The gorilla, the chimpanzee.

[D]

Yeah, yeah. What about the orangutan?

[A]

The orangutan, yeah.

[D]

But also spider monkeys.

[A]

Monkeys and apes are two different things.

[D]

Well, explain the two.

[A]

But apes are primates.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

And they have a different DNA. They have. Their chromosomes are closer to ours than. And chimpanzees chromosomes are closer to us than any other mammal.

[D]

I can't wait for this connection. But the lesson I can't wait for.

[A]

Look, you want a new Santa?

[D]

No. But I cannot wait to see. Okay, so. Yes.

[A]

So the lesser apes or the monkeys, as you alluded to.

[D]

Yes. I didn't allude to.

[A]

If you're like me, when you were a boy, your father took you to the zoo. On the other side of the wall were tribes of mandrills. Were tribes of baboons.

[D]

Yes.

[A]

When you're a boy, you would see the male, the leader of the pack, stand up and display posture. All of us as children, even you, wagon wheel tits, we all thought that those monkeys had bubble gum acid. They were big. They were big pink asses with an aneus right in the middle.

[D]

Right.

[A]

All of us had children.

[D]

And the nuples. Yes, yes, yes. I remember the nuples. Yeah.

[A]

All of us, we dove over the wall and bit one of those in the ass and started to. Daddy had to come and rescue us.

[D]

No, we didn't.

[A]

Well, I did.

[D]

I know you did, but nobody else did that.

[A]

But as we jump over the one

[D]

and chew on one of those.

[A]

But look at the massive. Look at the real estate. Look at the size of the anus. That's what we call Ikea noose.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Wow.

[A]

It's like furniture.

[D]

It's Ikea noose.

[A]

So as we evolved from the great apes and the monkeys as we stood erect, while they stayed on all fours, our anus receded.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Into our anal body. Right. And Right. The pink remained, but outside we stayed. Oh, well, if you want it.

[D]

No, no, I love the answer. I know.

[A]

Okay.

[D]

I think my viewers. Yeah, our viewers would love to learn about this. This is something new I've never knew.

[A]

Oh, they're learning all right.

[D]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They are learning. And. But, you know, you would think that. What.

[A]

So as we evolve, the anus on humans sucked in, we retained the pink that you see there.

[D]

I see.

[A]

But it went inward.

[D]

Yes. Through evolution and what I do.

[A]

Whereas the great apes, they haven't evolved.

[D]

They haven't evolved.

[A]

They still walk around like double.

[D]

Helix sleep. Helix sleep, dude. Guys, I have beds in my room and my beds.

[A]

You have multiple.

[D]

Multiple rooms with many beds. Right. That's what I meant to say.

[B]

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[D]

I'm the king of all mattresses and I only use Helix because it's the best kind. I really do. People spend the night at my house like, oh, my God, I slept so well. I go, what is it? I go, Helix. A study that they ran found that 82% of those involved saw an increase in their deep sleep cycle with sleeping on a Helix mattress.

[B]

And honestly, I've had my Helix for over five years now and it is still perfect as the first day.

[D]

Me too.

[B]

Let me see. And it's so easy. You just take a quiz. You take the Helix quiz online and they match you with a mattress based on your the type of sleeper that you are. Like for instance, me, I am a side sleeper and I run really hot. So I got matched with the midnight. Yeah.

[D]

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[B]

He's muy passionate. And what's really cool too is that they give you 120 nights of a trial. So if you're like, you know what, I don't like it. You can give it back 120, but you're not.

[D]

You're going to do 10,000 nights after that.

[B]

Exactly. Yeah, exactly.

[D]

But no need to worry. Don't worry about it.

[C]

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[D]

Shopify. Shopify. You know we have an online business. We use Shopify. Do you know why? Starting something is hard. Yeah. Is it not?

[A]

Totally.

[D]

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[D]

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[F]

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[A]

Huh.

[D]

Hello.

[A]

Well, you don't have to look in. It's already on the outside.

[D]

No, I still have to look in.

[A]

If they evolve, I would suck in.

[D]

I still have to look in.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

If I were to look. If I were to look into that, what would I see?

[A]

Well, yourself.

[E]

Question, Professor.

[D]

Yes, yes, Padawan.

[E]

When you saw these as a young man.

[D]

Yeah, yeah.

[E]

Young boy.

[A]

Yeah.

[E]

Did you ever like. Because you bit his butt.

[A]

Yeah, I flew over. I thought it was double bubble or Grape Peru. Have you ever had grape brewer Rain blow? And I was over the wall and I was just chewing on that thing, and my old man had to come and get me.

[E]

Were you ever curious of light? Tickle, tickle.

[A]

Well, the closest I got to it, my dad took me. It was called Halloween Monkey Nights. And I dove over the wall and put a candle in one. And it was. Well, if you're gonna laugh. Wow. You know, I have a degree. I don't. I have a degree. Guy in a nous.

[D]

I don't know what it is. I don't know. You just got me anything. Oh, God.

[A]

It makes no sense. Well, it doesn't make sense to the layperson, but to A professor of a new.

[D]

I don't think there was that house. So what was it that he used to bring you to the monkey house?

[A]

What? Monkey nights.

[D]

Oh, the famous Hollywood monkey nights.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Oh, yeah. I never. I didn't get the opportunity.

[A]

What neighborhood did you grow up in?

[D]

I didn't grow up in Poway, California. We didn't have those.

[A]

What'd you have on Halloween? At the zoo?

[D]

Oh, it's at the zoo. Yeah.

[A]

Monkey night.

[D]

Yeah. I wouldn't go to the zoo on Halloween.

[A]

Oh, you should have.

[D]

Oh, yeah. I did not know that. That was a ritual of the whites.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, the whites. What's that mean?

[D]

You're white.

[A]

Am I, though?

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

I feel like I'm light pink. Oh.

[D]

Oh, here we go.

[A]

I don't like the colors.

[D]

I don't like the colors as well.

[A]

Like, black people to me are brown or bronze. They're not black.

[D]

Yeah, I'm not that yellow.

[A]

Like, this is black. Have you ever seen African American who looks like that? Like that black? I don't think so.

[D]

Actually, I have.

[A]

Where?

[D]

What?

[A]

Yeah. You have?

[D]

Yes, I have.

[A]

Where?

[D]

Where?

[A]

I got to hear this story.

[D]

Yeah. In space.

[A]

In space, you saw a black guy that was this black.

[D]

I was an astronaut in 1978.

[A]

If you're an astronaut, I'm an anus doctor.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

I have another question, Professor.

[A]

Yes?

[B]

My friend. My friend Bobby is getting a colonoscopy on Wednesday.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Any tips you can give him?

[D]

Any tips?

[A]

Yeah, I would say buy. I would go to this. I would go to the nearest Barnes and Noble or a Chapters. I would.

[D]

What's the chapters?

[A]

It's a bookstore.

[D]

Okay.

[A]

Okay. Any bookstore you want.

[D]

Okay.

[A]

I would go to the English language section. I would.

[D]

Why? Why? Why? I would buy, I don't know, Mandarin Chinese or Korean.

[A]

Well, let me. Can I finish? The professor's talking garlic bread teeth or whatever they call you. I don't know what they call you down at the spa.

[D]

Well, you'd have to call me that.

[A]

Well, what do they call you at the spa?

[D]

Give me small eyes.

[A]

I'd call you garlic bread tea.

[D]

Okay, go ahead.

[A]

So I would. If you're going in for a colonoscopy, get to the nearest bookstore asap.

[D]

Okay.

[A]

Find the English language section.

[D]

I think it's mostly English language, but anyway, let's move on.

[A]

Okay. But they have specific. You know, they have science fiction.

[D]

I understand the genres. They're genres.

[A]

Right. So go to the English language section if you're getting a colonoscopy.

[D]

Yeah. Why Wouldn't I go to the science

[A]

section if you'll let the professor finish. Gilligan, go and get four or five grammar books. Okay. Rip the pages out and eat them raw or put them in hot water, add a little salt, some bouillon, some sliced onion, and make a nice grammar soup and drink it. And you'll have so many colons inside you, it will. All right. You're gonna laug after the Corona.

[B]

Clever guy over here.

[A]

This guy.

[D]

This guy's so funny. This guy. Holy. You really tickle my bones. You think of my bones?

[A]

Well, you. You did ask. In fairness, you did ask, Kalila.

[D]

You know, because.

[B]

Colon, semicolon.

[A]

Well, semicolon if you're only getting half of it.

[D]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Very good. That's your advice?

[A]

Well, yeah, that's my scientific advice.

[D]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

You asked. You did.

[D]

I know so much.

[A]

I know you wanted to do a comedy podcast, but I didn't realize.

[D]

Like a diary. Diary of the CEO. Or, you know, I mean, something that you learned. Something.

[A]

I don't mind. I can flow. I can. I can flow. I can.

[D]

Grateful.

[A]

I can. I'm grateful.

[D]

I can.

[A]

I like that. I can.

[D]

I can do this, too.

[A]

I can do this.

[D]

What am I doing here?

[A]

You're looking in my brain.

[D]

Yeah. You know what? You felt it.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Yeah. Around the moon.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Yep. Around.

[A]

You feel each other.

[D]

Feel each other.

[A]

A lot of times we don't have to talk. We just feel each other.

[D]

Yeah. So, Doctor, you. That was your major? Was.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

What was your minor at? Devry.

[A]

Well. Oh, boy. Do we want to go there?

[D]

Yeah, I do. I do. Because I think it's interesting. I think the fans would like to know, because it's a very important. Let me just say something.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Before you answer, it's a very important topic. I think that it is something that every. Not just American human beings should know. Memorize, maybe study themselves, because it's very, very important. And your minor was what?

[A]

Clitoris?

[D]

Yes. Clitoris. Yes. Memorize. It's very important. Yeah. And there's the mysteries of the clitoris.

[A]

Well, not to me. I studied it.

[D]

I understand. I know, but. I know, but t. I'm sorry, but for me, it's. You know how when you go into the Mariana trenches, you go real deep.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[D]

And you see those illuminating fishes.

[A]

I'm sorry, before you go any further, because I know what you meant by what you just said. They don't.

[D]

I know they don't.

[A]

If you could tell them what the Mariana Trench is to set the Table. They don't. Your viewers.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

But also the dementoids watching from the shadows of the beady, glistening koala eyes.

[D]

The netherworld. Yeah, you're saying. And ball the demon. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Good sound effect. Thank you. Pablo Francisco. Yeah. Say that thing again, what you just said.

[A]

Okay. So could you tell them? Because they don't know what the Mariana.

[D]

But here's the miracle. Here's the miracle. I don't know.

[A]

Okay, tell me. To tell you.

[D]

Yes, tell me. Yeah.

[A]

So the Mariana Trench. The Mariana Trench is the deepest place on earth where you can go and get spaghetti sauce on your meatballs. And the marinara a Trent. Why?

[E]

That sounds accurate.

[A]

If you're gonna ask and then just.

[D]

That's not what I meant. I know that restaurant. It's really good. Okay. Yeah, yeah. Maria's trench is very good. Okay, yeah, yeah. But I was talking about the Mariana Trent.

[A]

Mariana.

[D]

Yeah, yeah, the ocean. It's the deepest part of the ocean, right? And there's like this illuminating, you know, I mean, fish down there.

[A]

There's squid and there's fish and there's luminous.

[D]

And to me, the clitoris scares me in that way. It's a mystery. Yes. You have one?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Professor, I have a question about the clitoris.

[A]

They always do. Why?

[D]

Oh, hello.

[B]

Why? Why don't men know where it is?

[A]

Good question.

[D]

Philosophical question.

[A]

Good question.

[D]

Yeah. That's a question that Descartes would ask.

[A]

Who?

[D]

Descartes.

[A]

Is that French for shopping cart?

[D]

Yes.

[A]

Right. Here's why.

[B]

Why can't they ever find it?

[A]

Picture. Are you a dog person?

[B]

I am.

[A]

Picture. One of the most awkward breeds in the whole lineage of dachshund.

[B]

Okay.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

What would you say is one of the most awkward breeds of Dash wound?

[D]

Yeah. Is that how you pronounce it, doctor?

[A]

Yeah, that says.

[D]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

That's the German subsequent of the refraction of the militant. Now, what would you say is one of the most awkward breeds? And I'm trying to, you know, draw a parallel here, so. So the lay person.

[D]

I'm with you.

[B]

Awkward looking. I think you know, dog that I've ever seen. But I think they're really cute. Are the Mexican hairless dogs can bring that up, Gilbert.

[A]

Interesting. The exact opposite of what you were trying to do. Because hairless represents complete visual freedom. You can see everything with a hairless. So with that breed, it almost is

[D]

a. I see, I see, I see.

[B]

Okay.

[D]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

It's almost a Frisbee catching clit.

[D]

So what we'd like to do is find the Hairiest dog. Is that what you.

[A]

Well, you're sort of in it, but with this one, you're, you're. You're. That's a paw shaking clit right there.

[D]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's go to the Dashund. You want to go dachund? Where would you like to go?

[A]

It's not hairiest. I'm talking about one of the most awkward. Think about the anatomy of. As the French say, le clute.

[D]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Okay, that's.

[D]

Are we working here or what?

[A]

That's interesting.

[D]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

It's not.

[D]

Whatever would you call that 1960s Hate Ashbury clip?

[A]

Oh, oh, this one. Yeah, yeah. This is probably. Yeah, that's like hippie clip.

[D]

That's hippie clip for sure. Yeah, yeah. Can we find something in our generation or in the 2000s, please?

[E]

Such as Beethoven?

[D]

Oh, here we go. Yeah, that's. We're going far.

[A]

They're a little.

[D]

Yeah, this is Genghis Can. No, I think this is Genghis Khan clit.

[A]

It starts with sh. I mean, if you want to. Let's go, let's go.

[D]

Let's forget the dog references. I think we're losing it.

[A]

No, I can tell you the Shar Pei. Can we bring up the Sharpie?

[D]

Let's go to Sharpe.

[B]

I love a Sharpie, but. Okay, just please don't listen to the dog.

[A]

Take a look at the Shar Pei here and. Oh, that's a Sharpie.

[D]

Oh, okay. Is that the Sharpe?

[A]

Yeah. Yes. If you could see a full body shot.

[D]

Full body shot, please.

[A]

A full body shot of a Sharpe.

[D]

Yeah, Yeah. I gotta fire my.

[C]

Sorry.

[D]

Is that a Sharpe?

[A]

Yeah, that's not the best specimen, but if you look at the.

[D]

Give me a better specimen.

[A]

Extreme Shar Pei.

[D]

Give me an extreme Sharpe.

[A]

They're crawling with flaps. There we go.

[D]

Oh, there we go. Here we go.

[A]

Now try and find a. On that. On that puppy.

[D]

On that. On that.

[A]

And this is the mystery. This is the mystery of the vulva. I get it.

[C]

I get it now.

[A]

There are so many. That's like a can of Pringles that's spilled out in the back of a John Deere truck.

[D]

Yeah, I fully understand that. Look, there we go. Yes.

[A]

And that's the easiest way I can put it. Yeah. I mean, just try.

[D]

It's like an endless ocean of flaps. Flaps.

[A]

Flaps and ridges. Where do you.

[D]

Where. Where do we go? Where do we look? Where do we.

[A]

Grande.

[D]

Yeah. Where do we look? Where do we look?

[A]

Good luck.

[D]

Yeah, good luck.

[A]

I don't even Know if I'm looking at his asshole now or his face.

[D]

Exactly.

[A]

Wow. Yeah. So I hope so. That helps.

[D]

I hope that clears that up.

[A]

What men see.

[D]

But specifically, you know, what is the. What is the role of the clitoris? Shopify. Shopify. Shopify. You know, we have an online business, we use Shopify. Do you know why? Starting something is hard. Hard?

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Is it not?

[A]

Totally.

[D]

Yeah, yeah. Like, you know me, I try to make my own sock once. And you try to.

[C]

You try to sell it.

[D]

I try to sell my own sock. Very difficult, right?

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

Right. And. And it's like starting your own business. Right. Is hard, is it not? It is. And you. When I was doing the sock where I was like, I wish someone could help me, there was nothing like it.

[B]

No one could help you.

[D]

No one could help me. Right. So I finished and now it's just a toe.

[B]

You finished in the sock?

[D]

No, just the toe. Sock. Right. But my point is, is that, that if you're starting an online business, Shopify will help you. Shopify is the commerce platform behind millions of businesses around the world and 10% of all e commerce in the US from household names like Skims, Allbirds, Tiger Belly to brands just getting started as well.

[C]

Like your sock business, what was it called?

[D]

Yeah, right. Socks.

[B]

Socket to me.

[D]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

That's a real one.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Oh really? Yeah. Socket to me is called sock.

[D]

Get started with your own design studio. With hundreds of ready to use templates, Shopify helps you build a beautiful online

[B]

store that matches your brand style, accelerate your efficiency. Whether you're uploading new products or trying to improve existing ones, Shopify is packed with helpful AI tools that write product descriptions, page headlines, and even enhance your product photography.

[D]

Best yet, Shopify is your commerce expert. With world class expert expertise in everything from managing inventory to international shipping, to processing returns and beyond.

[B]

And Kat, what if people haven't heard about my brand? Well, that's okay. Shopify helps you find your customers with easy to run email and social media. But Kat, what if I get stuck? Oh, it's okay. Shopify is always around to share advice with their award winning 247 customer support.

[D]

Talk about the purple button, please. And did I mention the iconic purple buttons?

[C]

You wanted to bring it.

[D]

I want to bring it to the shop pay button that's used by millions of businesses around the world. It's why Shopify has the best converting checkout on the planet. It also helps boost conversions, meaning less cards going abandoned and more sales for you.

[C]

It's time to turn those what ifs into with Shopify today. Sign up for your $1 per month trial at shopify.com tigerbelly go to shopify.com tigerbelly that's shopify.com tigerbelly.

[D]

What is the. What is the role of the clitoris?

[A]

The role of the clitoris, it's sort of the miniaturized man penis. It's there to create stimuli. It's there to create sexual arousal. It's there for the woman to have a pleasure center during coitus.

[D]

Oh, is that a season or a ritual?

[A]

It's a season.

[D]

It's a season. Yeah.

[A]

It's that two week window when spring's just turning into winter.

[D]

Yeah. I wear a funny hat that. Two weeks. Right. And I do the dance.

[A]

And it's almost fall.

[D]

The festival.

[A]

Yeah, the greatest festival. Yeah, yeah.

[D]

There's one 40 miles of Alhambra. There's a beautiful coitus festival.

[A]

By the way.

[D]

We wear the dresses. We wear the white hats.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

And we do the dance.

[A]

The coitus.

[D]

The dance.

[A]

Let's do the coitus dance.

[D]

Here we go. I don't know if you remember, but. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You start again. Okay. Well, that was it. That's pretty much it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

Wow.

[D]

Yeah, that's like. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But if you go to the coitus festival, it's beautiful.

[A]

Well, also, I mentioned earlier, I don't

[D]

know why you and I are the only one people there, but.

[A]

What, you don't care? Yeah, yeah. Who cares? We do things our way. But I might add that I mentioned earlier I walked sideways like a horseshoe crab after the European wax center earlier. Yes, yes, the coitus festival. I walked in a zigzag for four weeks because that's intense. Sorry, what was your question?

[D]

No, that was.

[B]

That was a question.

[D]

My question was what the role was. I think you answered it perfectly.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Pleasure center.

[A]

It's a pleasure center for women.

[D]

Yeah. Go pee.

[E]

I'm gonna find the clitoris, professor.

[A]

Whoa, whoa.

[D]

What?

[E]

Okay, wrong timing.

[B]

He literally had to write to me, I gotta pee. And I wrote back, go pee.

[A]

That's code for loaf. You know that.

[D]

I know, I know that. Yeah.

[A]

Like anyone could hold a pea. Like you could be uncomfortable and hold a pea, but when you're holding a loaf. No, he's also.

[D]

And people don't know this. That. So he has a major in the anal. Yeah. I mean, he has a minor in clitoris. Yeah, Right. But he also. Before you would. You wanted to be a zoologist because you Talk about animals all the time.

[A]

Ichthology, the study of fish.

[D]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

Zoologist. Marine biologists. Biologist.

[D]

Yeah, yeah. He loves Korean biology.

[A]

Yeah, anything.

[D]

And it involves Kareem Abdul Jabbar. He's involved as well. That's what. That's what they call it, Kareem, you know. But anyway, happy.

[A]

Happy to answer.

[D]

I'm happy to be here. Yeah, yeah. So he was a zoologist. And if people don't know this, but Dr. Williams. May I call you that?

[A]

Professor.

[D]

Professor Williams. Yeah. Has discovered six species. Oh, yeah. Two in the ocean, two on land, one in the air, and one in the unknown. Would you like to talk about all of them or the only specific ones?

[A]

If you want to pick, you pick the category. I'm open to talking to all. Or one or three. Whatever you want.

[D]

Yeah, yeah. Well, what is the rarest sea animal that you discovered that was in the ocean? And what part of the ocean? And the description of this animal, please.

[A]

Okay, so there's a subspecies of the anglerfish. Are you familiar with that?

[D]

I love the anglerfish.

[A]

You're familiar with it?

[D]

We just said we loved it.

[A]

But I have a feeling you're patron. I think you're pping me patronizing the professor.

[D]

Pull up an anglerfish, please.

[A]

Wait, wait, don't pull it up.

[D]

Yeah, don't pull it up.

[A]

Why don't you tell us what it looks like?

[B]

Oh, and tell Bobby.

[A]

Larry. Larry, Lullaby, eyes and Bobby, tell us.

[D]

An anglerfish has antennas that go big.

[B]

Okay. And tell us what happens with the male and the female.

[D]

What?

[B]

There's something very specific that happens.

[D]

Wait, those angles, those things, Right. Are their eyeballs.

[B]

Oh, no.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Doctor, it's not their eyeballs.

[D]

It's their anus.

[B]

It's their light bulb.

[D]

It's their light bulb. But do they not have a thing? One thing, one coming out. Right. And it's got a light at the end of it. Right. But I don't know how they fuck. The angler fish we're familiar with. But you discovered a different species.

[A]

Yes, this is called. And it blends into my other research. It's the annual fish. And what it does it. The ang. The anglerfish has a precipice that comes out and it uses it as a fishing lure.

[D]

It's tricky.

[A]

Well, it tricks fish. They're really deep, really deep down in that thing you were talking.

[D]

But why is it different than the angler?

[A]

Because this one, instead of coming out of its forehead, it has a extension coming out of its.

[D]

I See?

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

And another bulb.

[A]

Yeah. It has a lure and instead of eating fish on the front end, this one lures fish in and it sits in their faces.

[D]

Why?

[A]

Well, I don't know. That's. That's mother. What am I, Mother Nature?

[D]

I know, but you're the one that.

[A]

I just study it.

[D]

I, I know, but that's all you gathered from all your.

[A]

Well, some animals are just, they're about vengeance. Like the hyena and the African lion.

[D]

Yes.

[A]

They have a very antagonistic relationship where the lion, who is a apex predator, will kill a hyena but not eat it. He will just kill it because it's competition.

[D]

It's competition.

[A]

So the. An angular fish. Yeah, it's in a very, very limited space where there's very limited food way down in the depths, but there's a lot of.

[D]

No one's around though.

[A]

There's other fish, but it doesn't need the competition. Where's the man shits in their faces off. They.

[D]

My argument would be. My argument would be if you go that deep into the ocean, literally, fish will probably go through a day without even seeing another fish.

[A]

Right.

[D]

There's a lot of space.

[A]

Right.

[D]

Why would it in its own face or in somebody else's face?

[A]

Because it doesn't want the competition.

[D]

There's not a lot of competition down

[A]

there, but anything's competition down there.

[D]

I see. So let's talk about the air animal that you, that you discovered.

[A]

Oh, the air animal.

[D]

Okay. What's it called again?

[A]

Well, it's a subspecies of the osprey, which is a.

[D]

What is osprey?

[A]

Owl.

[B]

I love osprey.

[D]

Tell me what an osprey is.

[B]

Well, they're very, very.

[D]

Describe them.

[B]

They're seabirds.

[A]

They're raptors. They're flying predators with very elongated talons.

[D]

Yes.

[A]

And they're diving prey birds. They dive into. They smash themselves into the water and pull up fish.

[D]

Yes.

[A]

And there's a subspecies, kind of like a shoe bill.

[D]

Right.

[A]

Pardon? You like a shoe bill. A shoe bill. No, that's a completely different. A shoe bill is more of a. A beach land wandering bird.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

With a shoe that looks like a horse.

[D]

You don't have to answer.

[E]

Well, it's a question, right?

[D]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

There's your osprey. Boom, boom.

[D]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

So this is a very specialized way of hunting that. Most birds can't do this.

[D]

It's incredible.

[A]

And their success rate is great and they sort of have the market on fish.

[D]

Yeah. So push pause.

[A]

And so what happened Is there's a subspecies called the bugle crow.

[D]

Yes.

[A]

And basically these crows have adapted and evolved. They go to 711 dumpsters. Oh, they pull out bugles.

[D]

Yes.

[A]

Put them on their feet and. And now they've got the talons of a osprey and wham, they're going in. And this is. Boy, oh, boy.

[D]

It's like.

[A]

You're mocking me.

[E]

You were. It makes perfect.

[A]

Well, they just want to eat Guy.

[D]

I know Guy, but Guy, they go to the dumpster and they. Every finger. Yeah.

[A]

On every cloth, put a bugle.

[D]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

And now they got bigger talons than a osprey.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

They're not missing.

[D]

What's a bugle?

[B]

The.

[A]

The ones with the pull up bugles

[B]

with the triangular pointed pull up the chips. The chips.

[A]

Pull up the bugle. Not the bag, the actual thing. Show the bugle.

[D]

Eaten the bugles at the airport before. Yeah.

[A]

Show the bugle.

[D]

Oh, that's what.

[A]

Show the bugle.

[D]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

Show the bugle.

[C]

All right.

[D]

But here's my argument against that.

[A]

Show the bugle.

[D]

My argument against that. I'm sorry for being.

[A]

No worries.

[D]

Yeah, yeah. Is that. Wouldn't the bugle just snap when it, you know, goes into the water? First of all, does it go into the water? I don't.

[A]

And you thought I was lying.

[D]

I got you, professor. Yeah. Does it go into the water?

[A]

Yes.

[D]

Doesn't the bugle get wet and it just becomes like. I mean, too moist for the talons to go into the skin of the fish?

[A]

Have you ever punched a fish?

[D]

No, I've never had.

[A]

Okay. They're not brick. They're meat. They're small. I understand that you go in at 70 miles an hour with 10 bugles, you're going through a.

[D]

Doesn't matter.

[A]

What Dolly Parton goes through a lemon meringue pie on a Friday night and she's already got diarrhea.

[D]

Does flavor count?

[A]

What do you mean? The bugle flavors you could have. You could have ranch.

[D]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Sour cream and onion.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

It's how you like your fish seasoned.

[D]

I see. They pre season it with the claws.

[A]

Well, yeah. If you've got a sour cream so brilliant and you penetrate that soft flesh

[D]

of a fish, it's like eating sour

[A]

cream permeate throughout the fish. You're gonna have a nice onion.

[D]

Yeah. Or barbecue flavor of salmon or whatever.

[A]

Black and catfish.

[D]

Really brilliant. I did not know that.

[A]

Well, this is Mother Nature. I didn't.

[D]

How did you discover it? You were at a 7:11.

[A]

No, I studied.

[D]

Oh, You.

[A]

For God's sake.

[D]

Yeah.

[E]

Next to the 7 11.

[D]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. This last animal I would like to

[A]

talk about is we did air and we did water.

[D]

Should we do land and other land?

[A]

Sure, let's go.

[D]

But other. I really. I love that. I've been reading that book that you wrote. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

The.

[D]

Let's talk about the land animal. Discuss

[A]

what?

[D]

It's almost an hour. I know, but people wanted to learn.

[A]

People love to learn.

[D]

Dude, this is like a diary of a CEO. They want to learn about things, right? K. Yeah.

[B]

No, I'm lost.

[D]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dude, I've learned so much.

[A]

I didn't lose you a.

[D]

What did we learn today so far? Anus.

[B]

I gave you a whole. Yeah, yeah.

[D]

About the beauty bugle.

[B]

You can test me on anything, and I remembered every single detail.

[D]

Yeah. The black crow.

[B]

The double angler called the bugle crow.

[D]

Yeah, the angle.

[A]

Double angle.

[D]

There he is right there in the water. And they don't disintegrate.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

You have the photo to prove it. Thank you so much.

[A]

And that's a testament to the food we eat today and put in our

[D]

body because it's full of chemicals. Yeah, yeah.

[A]

That's a testament to how not a good thing. Well, not to you.

[D]

Yeah. But for the black crow. Brilliant. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Interesting. And so we've learned a lot. So what did we learn today with the anus? The clitori. What else did we learn?

[B]

Do we do the anu Angler fish in the Mariana's trend.

[D]

Yes.

[B]

Right.

[D]

Yes. Which is also a restaurant.

[B]

Yeah, it is.

[D]

Yeah. But the spaghetti.

[B]

I didn't know that.

[D]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[C]

The sauce.

[A]

Oh, oh, oh, oh.

[B]

I thought you meant, like, in real life. Sorry.

[D]

Yeah, in real life, I thought that

[B]

the restaurant was a marinara trench, not the Marianas.

[A]

That's right.

[D]

Yeah. Well, sometimes I pronounce, like, you know, I say panona bread. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

So anyway, by the way, Panera bread. Have you ever gotten their. Their soup bowls that are made out of bread?

[D]

Oh, yes.

[A]

I went about a week ago. I got one of these soup bowls with the cream of chicken wild rice.

[D]

Was it wild, though?

[A]

It was wild.

[D]

Okay, good.

[A]

And they put. They put. They don't put it in a ceramic bowl. They put it in bread. And it's about. It's somewhere between a bowling ball and a softball. It's like right in the middle. And I'm driving down a Ventura Boulevard the other day. I got one hand on the. You know that the. The Dodge Neon steering wheel and I got a bread bowl in the other hand, and I see a kid. Kid walking his dog. This kid had braces and zits and.

[D]

I know. You don't. That bothers you?

[A]

It bothers me.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

I just. I wanted to eat this soup and I just threw it out the window, hit the kid in the head.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

And kind of the perfect size with the soup. It lubed it. And he had a bread helmet on, and there's no visor in it. And he walked right into a wall and got killed. Oh, and all that for 4.97.

[D]

Wow. So you don't need to buy a gun these days. Just go get a Panera. A bread bowl.

[A]

Have fun with soup.

[D]

Yeah, have some. For soup. Can we go to land animal?

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

So you were in what country were you in? Cambodia.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Were you not.

[A]

I've been to Cambodia twice.

[D]

No, but this land animal that you discovered was a. Canada. Vietnam. Was it.

[A]

It was Cambodia on the border, I think, right? It was on the border, yes. And it's. It was on the border of Vietnam and Cambodia.

[D]

Yes.

[A]

Which is a tough area. Have you ever been down there?

[D]

Oh, that's where I party.

[A]

Talk to me.

[D]

Yeah, there's a rave there once. Or it's kind of like the. The. The. There's a Canura event in.

[A]

What's it called?

[D]

What, Canora? Yeah. Asia. What's. What's the thing called?

[A]

What is it? I don't know.

[D]

The Coitus Festival. The Coitus Festival.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Yeah. Let me put that again. Is it coitus? There's a coitus festival there.

[A]

Oh, why haven't we gone?

[D]

Well, I didn't. Because you always want me to buy your ticket. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So there's a Coitus Festival there and. Yeah, so I've been on the border there.

[A]

Okay.

[D]

They love it.

[A]

They love. Love.

[D]

Two weeks in the jungles in. Of Vietnam, Cambodia. To the Coitus Festival.

[A]

Love.

[D]

And, you know, we can.

[A]

Yeah. Do the.

[D]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

Wow.

[D]

Wow. Yeah.

[A]

Coitus 26.

[D]

Yeah. What's up?

[E]

Oh, she asked me a question.

[D]

What was the question? I didn't ask a question. What was the question?

[B]

I literally didn't ask a question. What was my question? Jaime.

[E]

The question you just asked me.

[D]

Did.

[B]

He just.

[D]

Did Jaime.

[B]

That's Jaime scribbled.

[D]

Hey, my notes. Okay. You all right?

[B]

Okay.

[D]

All right. I'm sorry, Doctor.

[A]

No, Professor.

[D]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

It's a. What?

[E]

It's the brain teaser.

[B]

Oh.

[D]

So, so sorry, Professor.

[A]

No worries.

[D]

You weren't at the. The festival but you were in. Why were you in the Vietnam, Cambodia border?

[A]

We were searching.

[D]

Who's we?

[A]

Well, me and my friends.

[D]

Okay.

[A]

Up here.

[D]

Okay.

[A]

We were searching for a subspecies of the. The American horny toad. Have you heard of these lizards?

[B]

I've heard of them.

[D]

I've heard of them. Yeah. Not familiar, though.

[A]

Yeah, the horny toad.

[D]

And that's the Coda's festival that you go to. Yeah.

[A]

There it is. There it is. Oh, the memory.

[D]

Oh, the memories at that festival.

[A]

Wow. We had a good time.

[D]

Oh, there's a 2020. Has it happened yet or has it. Has it happened yet? 2026. It already happened.

[A]

It happened.

[D]

We missed it.

[A]

We missed it.

[D]

We missed it this year. Oh, that's unfortunate.

[A]

But you know what? Next week, Coitus Chella is happening. Oh, really? Who's playing Kabla?

[H]

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[D]

Let's go to the other animal.

[A]

Yeah, the subspecies.

[D]

We're still going with the.

[A]

Of the horny toad.

[D]

Oh, we're still gonna go there? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

What was that?

[E]

The sound the. The horny toad makes.

[A]

Lucyra, Right? Yeah. It's good. Yeah.

[D]

I've never seen it.

[E]

Yeah, I just did it.

[A]

Nice job, guy.

[E]

Thank you.

[D]

So having him, having him spend the night, a couple of nights, you've taught him something things,

[A]

maybe, but the horny toad. I don't know if you know this about the horny toad. You probably know this, Kalila.

[B]

I only know about the horned toad because I picked one up where I. I've met a couple on my hikes in the desert.

[A]

And did you know what their defense mechanism is? We call them the period lizards.

[D]

Okay.

[A]

They shoot blood out of their eyes as a defense mechanism. They literally shoot blood directly.

[D]

Streams of blood seem right?

[A]

It does.

[D]

I've never heard of it.

[A]

The pure.

[D]

Is that true? Honestly, go google that to see if that is true.

[C]

About the horn toad?

[D]

About the horn town or the period lizard.

[A]

The horny toad.

[D]

The horny toad.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

The horny toad's. Defense mechanism. It shoots blood out of their eyes. I've never heard of that before.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Can you really Google it? Don't chat.

[A]

You mean don't make it up the way a skunk shoots ass.

[D]

Yeah, I understand that.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, you're absolutely correct.

[D]

You're absolutely correct. It shoots blood. Yeah. And what kind of blood is it?

[A]

Well, we call them adoringly. We call them the period lizard.

[D]

Yeah, but how do you know it's that blood?

[A]

Well, they can only defend themselves once a month.

[D]

I see. That's why you call it.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

So that's what a horny toad does.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

And you discovered in the borders of

[A]

Vietnam and Cambodia what we discovered a subspecies called the tampex lizard and we brought the two together and they're almost inseparable.

[D]

Yes.

[A]

Once a month they get together and they do a mating dance and the horny toad squirts blood onto the tampex lizard. And it's one of these symbiotic nature relationships. It's like how the remora fish sticks to the side of a shark. Remora fish will stick to or. Or the cleaner fish that go into the mouth of the barracuda. Right. The horny toad will squirt his blood. Squirt his blood on the tampon lizard. And it's. It's like you think about God, I

[D]

think all the time.

[A]

The symbiotic relationships between nature, all its creatures.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

And so this is something me and my team were able to bring together. Yeah, you did ask.

[D]

So interesting.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Like certain birds will land on a mammal to pick off like little insects and stuff like that. And they have a symbiotic relationship.

[A]

Yes. That's called the oxpecker.

[D]

Yeah, the oxpecker. Yeah.

[A]

It will land on a wildebeest or it will land on a Cape buffalo or a giraffe and it will. It will pick blood filled ticks.

[D]

Yes, yes.

[A]

The mammal said mammal and in essence aids with their health. Oh, there we go.

[D]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Is there a shot of the tampex lizard, though? It is a new species. It is a new.

[D]

Well, you discovered it.

[A]

It might not be two months ago.

[D]

So I mean, I don't know.

[A]

It might not be there yet. Might not. But let's, let's start.

[D]

Let's talk.

[A]

We haven't released this.

[D]

The last thing that we needed to talk about is that this is the most important one. I mean, you said you discovered a. A species not land, not air, not water. Right. And you said other.

[A]

This is tough.

[D]

Yeah. This is a Tough one. So it could be inter dimensional. It also can be a space thing.

[B]

But how did you even discover it?

[A]

Okay, this is a toughie, but where were you?

[B]

Out in outer space?

[A]

No, I didn't say it was outer space. It does lean into what you're saying. But let's use the word mythical. Okay.

[D]

Okay, well, that would still apply.

[A]

There's a lot of ambiguity around it.

[D]

I understand that. That would still apply, that he was in land, water or air even. When you say mythical.

[A]

Mythical. Mythical.

[D]

Because in Lord of the Rings.

[A]

Yes, but we live in the real world. The Loch Ness Monster is mythical. The Chupacabra is. There it is. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. There it is. I didn't realize, guys. Okay, that's been leaked.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[D]

Yeah. You took that photo. You. I remember you taking that photo. Yeah. You texted me that photo.

[A]

I wasn't. I haven't released my papers on it yet.

[D]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

Wow. But anyways, anyway, that's the proof is in the period.

[D]

Yeah.

[E]

That's funny.

[D]

Yeah. Yeah. Okay, so.

[A]

Boy, that picture is really cramped in there.

[D]

Yeah, Very good.

[A]

Yeah, it's a bloody good picture. He's really cramped in there. That's all I'm going to say about appearance.

[D]

I also. If you. If you could, because I know that Professor Williams. I know Professor Williams. Right. Took a photo of when. When the two lizards met and the spraying effect.

[A]

Oh. Oh, boy, you're making my mouth water. Yeah. What a day that was.

[D]

We'll give you a second on that one. Google that with your research team while we talk about the other mythical. Okay, so here we go.

[A]

Okay, so this is a toughie to talk about. Maybe some people don't believe it.

[D]

I still don't.

[A]

But our research, okay, it was in a mountainous area of, believe it or not, not too far from here.

[D]

Where?

[A]

Glendale, California. Wow.

[D]

Really? Literally 10 minutes from here. Stay literally 10 minutes from here.

[A]

20 minutes from here if there's traffic. 20 minutes. And yes, this is the beauty of mythical creatures. You don't know when, how, or where they're going to show up. If they even exist.

[D]

Okay.

[A]

And the nearest parallel I can give to this is Yeti, Bigfoot, Sasquatch. We've all heard of them. I have you heard of Sasquia, yeti? The Bonneville snowman, Bigfoot?

[D]

Oh, yes, I have. Yeah. Yeah, I've heard of them. Yeah.

[A]

Have you heard of. What about you? Gumble Bump, Fimble Dee Dump, Slumber Dump, the Dimble Dump. Have you heard of.

[E]

No, I've Heard of yak?

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

That's it.

[D]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

You're in the wheelhouse.

[D]

You're in the wheelhouse. House. Very good.

[A]

So this was almost one of these fluke discoveries. I was actually driving through.

[D]

Oh, there it is.

[A]

There it is. Yeah.

[D]

That's the photo. It snuck up right behind it.

[A]

Wow.

[E]

Interesting.

[A]

Wow.

[D]

Stupid.

[A]

Did we do it?

[D]

Are you mad?

[A]

I'm sort of. That's my research. That's because of me. That. That. That research exists. It's bloody good.

[E]

Can you have these as pets?

[A]

What's that?

[E]

Can you have these as pets?

[A]

You can? I can.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, my God.

[E]

Apex.

[A]

Well, now, that's a frog. Frog.

[D]

That's a frog. On frog crime.

[A]

So here we go. Glendale.

[D]

Yeah, Glendale.

[A]

And wherever there's mountains. And let's be honest, you look up.

[D]

We've been honest this whole time.

[A]

I know, but I'm just saying because a lot of your viewers, Khalilah, have never been to Glendale. They don't realize the vast amount of mountain range that's behind that city. There's a lot of mountains there. Huge mountains. Burbank. It's the Sierra Nevadas as far as I Can you check? Is it the Sierra? It isn't.

[D]

No.

[A]

What is the mountain range there?

[B]

It's not. It's Angela's crest.

[A]

Can we check on that? The mountain range behind up in Glendale, running north towards Cher's house.

[D]

Cher does live there, huh?

[C]

The Verdugo Mountain Mountains.

[A]

No, Verdugo Mountains, not the Sierra Nevadas.

[B]

That's further up.

[D]

Okay, well, you're not a topographer. Why would you know? Dr.

[A]

There is Dr.

[C]

Your video footage released.

[D]

Oh, wow. There it is. There, there.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[D]

Sorry, we had.

[A]

And again, you'll only see this once a month. So this is rare.

[D]

Yeah, this is rare.

[A]

Yeah. What do we do? This is great.

[G]

This is crazy, dude.

[A]

And you should. Why? This is why they live in Canada because it's arid. You get one of those Tampex lizards in the rain and it just swells off. It's unbelievable. They can hardly move.

[D]

Didn't you take a video of the black crow with the puke? No. Didn't you do that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I find that it's really easy to find that video. So anyway. Yes. So the other.

[A]

We're talking the other. The one.

[D]

There's a mountain range. We don't know what it is.

[A]

Mountain range. So I'm always on the search to debunk these mythical Christian. Who doesn't want to know the answer. To Bigfoot, Yeti, South Squia.

[D]

I never wanted to know.

[A]

You didn't?

[D]

No.

[A]

Okay, let's wrap the show. Let's wrap up the show. He doesn't want. No, I'm kidding.

[D]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Why don't you want to know about Bigfoot?

[D]

I'll be honest, Professor. I don't really. I've never really believed in that specific mythology.

[A]

Okay.

[D]

I believe the Chupacabra.

[A]

Okay.

[D]

Yeah. I believe in the Loch Ness monster.

[A]

Okay.

[D]

I believe in. You know, there's that weird Filipino myth of that man in the tree smoking a cigar.

[B]

Oh, yeah, that's the Agta.

[D]

What? I believe in it.

[B]

There's also another word, isn't there?

[D]

Isn't there a man in a tree smoking a cigarette? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

We call those homeless in my name. Do you believe that children are the future?

[D]

And I believe they're in the past as well.

[A]

Okay.

[D]

Okay.

[A]

So here I am in the hills, the mountains of Glendale.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

And I'm looking to debunk the myth of the legendary Sasquiat. I'm walking along it's sunset that.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

I haven't succeeded. I'm driving home through the windy forest road.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

I see silhouetted in the setting sun.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

A tall. Probably the hairiest humanoid shape I've ever seen.

[D]

How tall?

[A]

I can't tell because of the sun. The refraction of the light.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

My eyes don't party on fun, fun

[D]

street, but if you were to guess,

[A]

I'd say six and a half feet, maybe 12.

[D]

Oh. So let's go nine.

[A]

It was big. Nine was a big nine feet, big humanoid shape.

[D]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

I got so excited.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

I lost control of your vehicle. The Dodge Neon.

[D]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

And it was also I.

[D]

Can I ask you something?

[A]

I had Kentucky Fried Chicken on the passenger seat. It could have been the grease, but I was excited.

[D]

Okay, so what happened next?

[A]

So I'm swerving all over.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

I hit it.

[D]

Whoa.

[A]

Okay.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Could be a mythical. Could be the answer. The missing link.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Suddenly we find out about Sasquatch. I jump out of the Dodge Neon.

[D]

Yes.

[A]

I rush to the side of the road.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

I'm cradling this hairy, hairy thing. It's almost like Shirley Temple, Kenny G and Cher having an orgy in my arms. And I'm cradling this thing and its eyes are shot.

[D]

And I'm like, his eyes are shot. Shot by what?

[A]

I think I killed it.

[D]

Wait, wait, wait.

[A]

And I'm like, you hit it with

[D]

a car and then shot it in the eyes. And Then you shot it with eyes. With your gun.

[A]

No, it's laying on the ground. I hit it. It landed on the road.

[D]

Yeah, but you said his eyes were shot.

[A]

Shot closed, shut.

[D]

Oh, shut.

[A]

No, I thought you took, as in shut up. Let me tell the story.

[D]

All right, all right. They were shot.

[A]

So they were shot. And I'm laying there cradling this behemoth, this hairy beast.

[D]

Yes.

[A]

And I'm petting his forehead up his hairy face, and I'm like, please, don't die, South Squiatch. Don't die. And finally, his eyes fluttered open and he looked at me right in the face. He said, I'm Armenian. And I just drove away. Because.

[D]

Right. Right.

[A]

There's a lot of guests.

[D]

The park.

[A]

They're all over Glendale.

[D]

Yeah. Yeah. So.

[A]

Yeah. So, yeah. So anyways.

[D]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Close.

[D]

Yeah. But that's not really a speech.

[A]

I came close.

[D]

You came close.

[A]

Okay. I'm still looking.

[D]

Yeah, you're still looking. You're still looking. So, yeah, I've hit many Armenians and. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I just. You make the mistake. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm glad he didn't die. Did he die?

[A]

No, he did not die. You know, the hair protective. Him cushioned of, like, bubble wrap.

[D]

And now he works at a barber shop. Yeah.

[A]

But anyways, I feel like we. We got to most of the stories and.

[D]

Thank you so much.

[A]

Got on the edge.

[D]

I didn't know you could learn so much from devry. Yeah.

[A]

Oh, yeah. Oh, my God.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

It never stops.

[D]

It never stops. I mean, what are the things you could become a master of or, you know, I mean, in Devry, at the Dev.

[A]

Welding.

[D]

Oh, welding weld. Yeah, yeah.

[E]

Bowling.

[A]

What is it? Bowling. Bowling is a sport. My guy,

[E]

the history.

[A]

Yeah, they don't really teach that at DeVry. You might want to go to, like, I don't know, like, Melvin's nut farm or something. I don't know.

[D]

Yeah, yeah. That's where I learned.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

But what are some other. devry. Welding. Woodwork. Yeah, woodwork machine shop.

[D]

I hear you got the. The. The Crow Bugle video.

[A]

Oh, you got it.

[D]

Oh, you got it. Catching a fish. We found it. Yeah.

[A]

Awesome.

[D]

Oh, wow. Look at that.

[A]

Wow.

[D]

Wow, wow, wow, wow. This is slow mo, guys.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Wow.

[C]

Very feminine.

[D]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That fish is not in a hurry, I'll tell you.

[A]

I also love the fish swims on top of the water.

[D]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

That's. That's science. That's science.

[D]

That's science for you.

[A]

Yeah. Thank you. De.

[D]

Yeah, thank you. DE so if you ever don't go to Harvard. You mean don't go to Berkeley? DE Yeah, yeah, yeah. So do you have anything to promote. How you doing, Harlan? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. How are you, Harland?

[A]

Good,

[D]

Real good with, with, with Harland. You know what I mean? We don't do that. That what a normal, like, you know what I mean? What you up to? I don't do that with this guy.

[A]

You know what I mean?

[D]

Cuz we're on a different level.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

You know, I mean, we're, we've evolved. We, we, we go to the, the festivals together. We, we understand a different.

[A]

What do you mean you don't. Now I'm feeling a little neglected, maybe. I'm feeling a little. That that sort of was a bit of a slight.

[D]

I don't think it was a slight. I don't think that you and I waste our times with small talk. Talk.

[A]

I know, but I feel like you're disinterested in my journey now after that little.

[D]

I know.

[A]

Much side comment.

[D]

Yeah, yeah. It wasn't a side comment.

[A]

We had chuckles. We had laughs.

[D]

But I don't think that we're in a relationship where it's like some. You're a new person. Where I have to go. Where are you from?

[C]

Well, where's he from?

[D]

Canada.

[A]

Where?

[D]

I don't know. Vancouver, Edmonton.

[A]

Either one.

[D]

Am I close?

[A]

All right. Canada's Canada. Second largest country in the world. From somewhere. Somewhere in the.

[D]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

Okay.

[D]

Been to your house many times. Yeah, yeah. I did your movie many, many years ago where I played a kangaroo.

[A]

Kangaroo hands O'Reilly.

[D]

Yeah, yeah, that's right. Kangaroo hands O'Reilly. And that was what, 20 years ago?

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[D]

In the desert. Yeah. And then you showed me property that I, I own that little property in

[A]

the middle of the desert.

[D]

Yeah, yeah. Do you remember that?

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[D]

So it's like, I don't think that we need to do this whole life.

[A]

I think you're right.

[D]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I me, I know I've known you for a very long time, but do

[A]

you really know me?

[D]

No, it's impossible to.

[A]

Does that hurt?

[D]

Does that hurt you?

[B]

Yeah, I know some things about Harlan.

[D]

No, but what I'm saying is that he has an exterior, right. That's goofball. And it's a defense mechanism that I have. Like when I'm at the Comedy Store, I play a character, you know, I mean, but they don't know.

[A]

So you're. This is your, your Way of shooting blood at me through your eyes. Def mechanism.

[D]

It's a defense mechanism.

[A]

Yeah, well, she knows about me.

[D]

Yeah, tell. Tell me more.

[B]

I know more about, like, your matters of the heart. Like when you went to Germany, fell in love.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

That whole, you know, saga of that relationship. Those are the things that stick.

[D]

Yeah, I remember that too.

[A]

Yeah, because you like. You like love, you like emotions. Bobby likes adventure, and Bobby's deep. But you never let me get too deep.

[D]

What is this adventure?

[A]

There's our movie.

[D]

And who am I? What do you mean?

[A]

You're kangaroo Hanzo. Riley.

[D]

I'm in the room. I'm in the back, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

Watch.

[D]

Turn it up.

[A]

I pull you up.

[B]

Is that garlic bread tea?

[A]

Yeah. Look at him. He was born with little curled up kangaroo fingers. What should we do?

[D]

My grandfather wants tell me if a bat please blow away, walk into it so it passed by. More quick response. Oh, why'd you make me do an Asian accent?

[A]

Because I was your character.

[D]

Good point. Oh, that's right.

[A]

Because in the movie I go, I keep a little Chinese friend behind the back seat.

[D]

Ah, I see. I see.

[A]

And then I pull you up.

[D]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

But I didn't know at that time, to be honest, that you weren't Chinese. Honestly.

[D]

Really?

[A]

Yeah, I didn't know.

[D]

Oh, you know, I was. It wasn't.

[A]

We were like. That was.

[D]

That was the beginning of our friendship. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's funny, I didn't even know him that well, and I went into the desert with a man I didn't know that well, which is a dumb. A dumb thing to do, I think. Yeah.

[C]

How did he ask you?

[A]

I just called you up.

[D]

Yeah, you just called me up.

[A]

But I was honored that you did it because you didn't know me that well. And he didn't even read the script. He just said, I'll do it. And when you did that, you ingratiated yourself. You're my friend for life. Yeah, because that was really generous.

[D]

Well, it was one of those incidences where I was just like, Harlan Williams has called me and I go. He's asked me to go in the middle of the desert. Because I obviously, I was a huge fan and I was like, yeah, there's like. It's like a obvious yes. There's no. You thought about it, buddy. I love you, buddy.

[A]

Dude, I love that. That. I'm not kidding you.

[D]

I mean, there's some people that would ask now. I probably say no.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[D]

Would you say no or yes?

[A]

It depends who it Was if you asked me to do something, I'd say,

[D]

I know you would. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I have something for you.

[A]

Oh, wow.

[D]

Yeah. But there are some people that I. I just wouldn't go to the desert with, you know?

[A]

Right. It was fun, though.

[D]

It was. I. I remember the day.

[A]

Yeah. I remember going to your house.

[D]

I. We. I looked at your property, and I remember shooting that scene. I remember we had sandwiches. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

Subway.

[D]

Subway, yeah. Subway, sandwiches.

[A]

And we talked about this last time you fed yours to the ants.

[D]

I did, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

On a big ant hill. And you.

[D]

Well, I think I like that animal. Animal.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

It's one of my favorites.

[A]

You love ants.

[D]

Anyway, did you. Did you have fun today?

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

You did? We learned so much. Did you learn a lot, Jaime?

[B]

Yeah, I like ants.

[D]

Yeah, you do?

[B]

I like ant hills.

[D]

Yeah. Yeah. I don't like. I don't like them in my house.

[B]

I like the cities they build.

[E]

No.

[D]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But in your house, do you like them when you. You see a straight line?

[B]

I literally never kill an ant.

[E]

Isn't.

[D]

Oh, yeah. What do you. What do Mexicans do, too?

[B]

What?

[E]

Oh, ants in the house. Yeah, they usually cook.

[D]

That's true, though.

[A]

Remember, like.

[D]

Oh, they cook.

[C]

They.

[D]

Oh, they cook. The ants?

[E]

No, the ants cook.

[D]

Oh, they work for you?

[E]

Yes.

[D]

Oh, interesting.

[E]

They look like little ants, and it's not really a line.

[D]

Are you high?

[E]

No, it's not, like, really. No.

[D]

What's going on with you right now?

[E]

They don't form a line. It's a. A trail. It's not really a line. A line's like this.

[D]

What do they do, like a little dance? What are you talking about? There's a line?

[E]

No, it's a trail.

[D]

I mean, what are they doing a

[E]

trail to their home?

[D]

It's a trail. Tears. Or is it joy?

[E]

Oh, joy. Because they have food for the queen.

[D]

Ah, for the queen. Oh, you. You know, the hierarchy. Yeah, yeah.

[E]

You ever seen the ant Hill? You ever seen Ants by Woody Allen? Like a little trail of ants? You had Anthiel one time. You know what I'm talking about. My brother.

[D]

Rarely. Rarely. Okay. Yeah.

[E]

This guy.

[A]

I feel weird being in the middle of your aunt talk.

[D]

I know, but. Dude, I know that movie. Yeah, yeah.

[A]

I just feel like a third wheel. I got.

[D]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

I don't want to know. Don't. It's a great talk. I just feel like I'm in the middle of it.

[D]

Yeah, yeah. I don't know. Yeah, yeah.

[A]

I'm a little Ant awkward right now.

[D]

Yeah. Yeah. Hey, honestly, speaking of Antarctica.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

Why aren't we allowed to go there?

[B]

You are.

[D]

I don't think you are.

[B]

You are.

[D]

You're a late. You're. I'm allowed to take a flight to the middle of Antarctica to go visit.

[B]

As a tourist?

[D]

Yeah, as a tourist. I don't think that's why I Google it.

[A]

Well, I think I know what you're talking about.

[D]

I think there's a city there.

[A]

There's this. There's this conspiracy theory.

[D]

That's what I'm saying. Yeah.

[A]

Where they say that. That there's a certain limit to how far you can go. And to travel in it because it's so barren, you would never know if you're in the exact spot. But they say beyond a certain barrier, there's a myth that there's cities and worlds and creatures and stuff that we're not allowed to see.

[D]

Yeah. Do you believe doing this.

[A]

Well, it's sort of this thing where they say, does the world really end? Like, how much are they letting us know about where we live? It's the Truman Theory. What's that? The Truman Show?

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

Oh, because we've never really actually, like,

[A]

who's really been there?

[D]

Katy Perry.

[A]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[D]

She's been there.

[A]

Well, what's with this moon thing? They just did and they went all the way up there and they didn't even land.

[D]

Why wouldn't you land?

[A]

That's like going to Disneyland and not going on the ride.

[D]

No, it's not. Even worse. It's like just driving by Disneyland. 405. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. There it is.

[B]

Well, it's the first of many, because they're gonna eventually set up a moon colony.

[A]

A moon base.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Would you go?

[B]

Yeah. No, I'm too afraid of. I would. The G force of even any Disney ride, like, kills me. So I could never be a space person.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Could you?

[D]

I mean, I don't think you feel the G force when you're on the colony.

[B]

Yeah. But coming back down. I'd have to come back down eventually. And the heat. Did you not see that capsule burn? You didn't see the return of integrity into. Back into Earth? Yeah, I haven't watch it. I cried my eyes. My eyes out.

[A]

You did? Why?

[D]

Why? I don't know.

[B]

There's a lot of weird things happening in the world, and sometimes when it's fine, when you see, like, people go up in space and you see those shots of the Earth and it kind of reminds you how, like, what Mankind

[D]

can do if we're kind of.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It's just.

[B]

We're this. It just. It's a reminder that we're just this rock and we're so small. And it made me emotional.

[D]

I take it a different way. I think it shows humanity working together. You know, it's like that movie Deep Impact.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It's your favorite.

[D]

It's one of my favorite disaster movies. And there's. You know, I like. I like having the black astronaut. You know what I mean? The Russian one. You know, I mean, like in. Did you see Project Hail Mary?

[B]

I'm watching it tomorrow.

[D]

Yeah. There's an Eastern European, a Japanese guy and an American together. I like when they're like you. You know? I mean.

[B]

Oh, like the Arrival.

[D]

Yeah. Where you're. Where all of human race. You know what I mean? Working together to do something. You mean beyond ourselves. Yeah, if we're good. Right. But instead, you know, I mean, we use it to kill.

[A]

You could just see that at ihop. Really?

[D]

Oh, like two of them are. Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Like all the Ray. All the international.

[D]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

Working to make breakfast.

[D]

Oh, I see. Oh, the Belgian waffle.

[A]

The flapjack.

[D]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I get it.

[A]

Sorry. I didn't mean to step on it,

[D]

but I. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

I love that you get emotional about it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Because you look back, you see Earth from that perspective, and you realize it's all we've got. And all the turmoil and the hatred and the war and the borders and the divides, and you realize we're all just one.

[D]

We are.

[A]

And why do we go through with these stupid, endless, violent confrontations with each other?

[D]

Exactly.

[A]

When we're all the same. We all have this one home.

[D]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

And we're fighting over nothing.

[D]

Exactly.

[A]

People that.

[D]

That's. Yeah, yeah.

[A]

That's exactly where that can be emotional. I'm with you.

[D]

That's emotional. And I think the only way we could unite as a world is if. And this is violent, but if an alien race attacks us. I think Project Hail Mary, I haven't

[B]

seen it yet, so, you know, stand by.

[A]

Really? You?

[D]

I thought Project Hail Mary was the best movie I've seen in probably 10 years in terms of perfection.

[A]

Who'd you go with?

[D]

What?

[B]

His girly.

[D]

The girl that I'm seeing.

[A]

Okay.

[D]

And I never saw the trailer. I never saw anything. I didn't know nothing about it. Nothing. I went to the theater. I go. Everyone was telling me to watch this. And we sat there. I cried three times. And at the end of it, I'll tell you why it was perfect. I mean, you know, we love Pulp Fiction, we love Tarantino movies, we love older Scorsese movies like Mean Street. Texture. There's some darkness to everything and an edge, especially early 70s cinema. There was a lot realism, you know what I mean?

[A]

Right.

[D]

But there. But I think Steven Spielberg introduced this kind of hope idea and this like, kind of family friendly universal idea of just hope and unity. And I think that project Hail Mary is very et. Like in that way.

[B]

Oh, I see.

[D]

Of a feeling of like, anybody can watch this at any age, regardless, and walk out of the movie and go, that was a really good film.

[A]

I want to see it. You sold me.

[D]

Yeah. And I think that I recommend people watch it before it goes to streaming. I think it's a theater. Movie theater. For sure. It's a theater for. Yeah, because imax. Yeah, yeah.

[A]

I'll go this weekend. My guy.

[D]

It really is that good.

[A]

Out of ten, what are you giving it?

[D]

A nine.

[B]

What's a ten?

[D]

Space movie wise. Oh, space movie wise, guys. Oh, that's a really good.

[A]

I'm with you.

[C]

Arrival.

[B]

For me, arrival is a 10 out of 10. Everything from the score to like the very end to the. To the story about the.

[D]

I'll give a rival attend.

[B]

There's so many.

[A]

Who's in Arrival? I don't remember.

[B]

Amy. Yeah. Amy Adams.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

And Jeremy Renner.

[D]

Yeah. Fantastic. Yeah. KEENAN Ivory Waynes Jr. Yeah. And also this.

[B]

The music was by D. No, can I finish? I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

[D]

The music was by Kid Rock.

[A]

It was New Kid.

[C]

New Kid Rock.

[D]

The New Kid Rock. New Kid. Yeah. The New Kid called the New Kid Rock. Yeah.

[A]

So who's this girl?

[D]

Amy Adams. She's good in the Arrival.

[A]

Oh, the one you went to the movie with?

[D]

She's of your imagination. That's none of your business.

[A]

Why is she on Tinder?

[D]

No, I didn't. No, I met her in the wine.

[A]

Well, I'd like to take her to a movie too. When's it my turn to shine? Is she on Tinder or is she not? I'll find out. My. What's her name?

[D]

She's not on Tinder.

[A]

What's her name?

[D]

What? Montgomery.

[A]

Montgomery what?

[D]

Wardrobe

[A]

Montgomery what?

[D]

Ward, can we get that photo of the Sasquatch holding? I thought you were looking that up. Honestly. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I think there's a police photography. Jeremy, photo of that.

[B]

A camera.

[D]

A camera photo of that. I think he found her.

[A]

Are you out with her this weekend?

[D]

Was this the photo of with the Armenian guy?

[A]

There he is.

[D]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

There's the Nissan.

[D]

Yeah, there's a Nissan.

[B]

Is that Dodge Neon?

[A]

Oh, wow.

[D]

Yeah, Dodge Neon. And that's not Harland. Yeah, get specific.

[B]

Also. Also, there was KFC in the passenger seat.

[D]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Get specific.

[E]

Can I see? Wow. I like to take her to town.

[D]

Let me see. Let me look. That's who she is.

[A]

You want some Funyuns? Yeah, she's a lot of fun.

[D]

Yeah. Yeah, she's a cool girl.

[A]

I'm happy for you guys.

[C]

Harlan, what's this movie called? Wingman.

[A]

Oh, wow. Oh.

[D]

Oh.

[A]

What, Is this gonna be a sour spot?

[D]

It already has been.

[A]

Well, this is. Last time I was here, we had a fight about it.

[D]

Oh. I. Let it go. I don't care.

[A]

Okay. Yeah. Well, this is my new movie called Wingman. And can I say something, buddy? Because this is.

[D]

Go ahead.

[A]

This is the first time the trailer for Wingman has been shown on a podcast.

[D]

Yay.

[A]

If you'll allow me to show it.

[D]

Go ahead.

[A]

It's my new movie. It's coming out May 26th.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Wingman. I wrote it. I directed it. Sure.

[D]

I'm so excited to see it.

[A]

And this is. Can I say. Here we go.

[D]

Who's in it?

[A]

It's two and a half minutes.

[D]

Who's in it?

[A]

Me.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Jamie Kennedy.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Russell Peters. Kayla Wallace from Landman.

[D]

Great cast.

[A]

Evan Marsh. Anyway, here it is.

[D]

Rob Schneider in it, too. Let's guy it.

[A]

Your wingman is now officially on the

[D]

clock

[A]

on a Saturday night.

[D]

Hey, how do I know it works?

[A]

Does an elephant know how to jerk itself off with its own nose?

[G]

You're not actually considering this, are you?

[D]

No.

[A]

Dirk Thompson. Wingman.

[G]

Okay. Cause like a wingman. What, are you still in high school?

[A]

Wingman. You don't get laid, I don't get paid. What have I got to lose? I need you to take these onion rings down into the jar, stack them on the bald cyclops, and let me know the count. You're nuts. You're a madman.

[D]

This is a huge mistake.

[A]

Come on, Mom. Should have let him cool off first. See anything you like? She's beautiful. Look, have you seen that Julia Roberts movie, Eat, Pray, Love? Yeah.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Well, now you're looking at the sequel. Eat, eat, eat. Oh,

[D]

You're crying. So sad. What makes you such an expert on women? Anyways, Pop.

[A]

Power of the pussy.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

All right, that was a mild setback. Dress real nice. We're going for some Wall street beaver.

[D]

It's party time.

[A]

Pinky. There it is.

[D]

I love it, dude.

[A]

Thank you for letting me show.

[D]

I've never seen anything like it.

[A]

No, no, no, no.

[D]

Yeah, it's just I didn't see Jamie or Russell in it.

[A]

Well, what we did is the. The. The core of the movies about this nerd hires this crazy wingman to help him get.

[D]

I understood that from the thing. And so that's obvious.

[A]

Yeah. And so Jamie plays a rival wingman.

[D]

Oh, I see.

[A]

So he plays my nemesis. He has high end clients, I have the low end losers. And then Russell Peters plays one of Jamie's high end clients and he steals that guy's girlfriend.

[D]

Oh, I see. Don't give it away.

[A]

I don't want to give too.

[D]

Yeah, don't give too much away. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you produce and direct it yourself?

[A]

I didn't produce it, but I directed it, I wrote it and starred in it.

[D]

That's amazing.

[A]

It's coming out May 26th and you can go to Harlan Williams.com and get a pre order for Apple TV. And so we're excited, buddy. Thank you. Thank you. Yeah.

[D]

You know, it's so funny. Andrew and I created our own thing, a TV show.

[A]

You did?

[D]

Yeah, we produced it ourselves and we're putting it out soon in November. Member? And I think that's the next, you know, wave of doing it.

[A]

Isn't it great?

[D]

I love it. Because you have control.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

And no notes. Yeah, yeah. And I don't have people breathing. Breathing down my leg.

[A]

I do it this way or I

[D]

love it or you can't say that or whatever.

[A]

That's the. Because Theo and Spade just put out there.

[D]

I'm in that too.

[A]

Yeah, you're in that too. Yeah. Yeah. I'm excited.

[D]

I couldn't get into wingman, but

[E]

they're

[D]

gonna be into every other movie. I just attire. You know, I mean all, you know, all of it.

[A]

But you know about. We're not going to relive.

[D]

I'm not reliving anything.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But you know your love.

[D]

I love love. Pray.

[A]

Wait, can you tell me about.

[D]

No, I can't. I gotta go.

[A]

Andrew, your. Your project with Andrew.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

We say you let me plug mine. I'd like to plug yours.

[D]

This is my show.

[A]

I know, but it's up to me if we plug your project or not.

[D]

All right.

[A]

I'd like to plug his project. It's called the.

[D]

The Bad Game Show.

[A]

And do we have a trailer?

[D]

No, we just shot last week. All of it.

[A]

And thirdly, you don't have to snap my head off.

[D]

I didn't.

[A]

I'm just trying to be your friend.

[D]

I am your friend.

[A]

I'm trying to promote you.

[D]

I know you did. On my own podcast.

[A]

You snapped real deep and real hard, Guy. Yeah, I'm with you, guy. I'm an actor.

[D]

It was the character from Wigman.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Wow. Come on. Thank you so much.