Matteo Lane and Nick Smith Survive the Rainforest

Summary

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TigerBelly: Matteo Lane and Nick Smith Survive the Rainforest

Podcast: TigerBelly
Host: Bobby Lee with co-host Khalyla
Guests: Matteo Lane, Nick Smith
Date: May 27, 2026
Episode Theme:
A raucous, comedic examination of friendship, gay culture, festival life, survival skills, and generational differences—delivered in classic TigerBelly style, full of playful insults, spontaneous riffs, and hilarious honesty. The ep showcases comedians Matteo Lane and Nick Smith, their dynamic as podcast co-hosts and friends, and their survival debate—both literal (Amazon strategies) and figurative (surviving the modern world and each other).

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Episode Overview

This episode brings together comedians Bobby Lee, co-host Khalyla, and guests Matteo Lane and Nick Smith for a whirlwind conversation. The core themes:

• The dynamics of Matteo and Nick's friendship and podcast partnership.
• Gay culture, body types, and generational perspectives.
• Observations from Coachella and debate over pop music icons.
• A running, comedic argument: Who would survive longer in the rainforest?
• A riotous examination of personal survival skills, physical prowess, and adaptability.

The vibe is uproarious and self-deprecating, with everyone taking and dishing playful jabs, keeping the conversation fast-paced and unpredictable.

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Key Discussion Points and Highlights

The Matteo & Nick Dynamic

[01:22 – 03:02]

• Matteo and Nick talk about the origins of their friendship: "When we first met, we did not like each other." (Matteo, 02:26)
• Introduce their own podcast, "I Never Liked You"—a title echoing their banter.

Nick's Height vs. Matteo's Style:

• Material about Nick being 6'7" and shower misery, while Matteo riffs on body types and gay culture.

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Gay Body Types, Social Dynamics, and LA/NYC Differences

[03:06 – 09:15]

• Bobby quizzes guests on "types of gays." Matteo: "There are a lot of different types." (03:51)
• They dissect Bobby's possible 'panda cub' status ("They call Asian bears pandas, so Bobby could be like a panda cub because you're not quite a bear." – Nick, 08:18)
• Teasing about club desirability, club culture, and the “Slender Man” label for Nick.

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Comedy, 12 Steps, and Performing vs. Being Genuine

[04:00 – 06:56]

• Discussion on Hollywood AA meetings, performing in recovery spaces, and difference between authenticity and act.
• Bobby admits main speaking at meetings often becomes a “set”: “Sometimes… this is where you put a joke.” (05:49)
• Matteo and Nick connect this with how comics often can’t help but insert comedy, even in therapy.

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Coachella, Pop Stars, and "AI Music" Debate

[10:30 – 21:15]

• Matteo is fascinated by Coachella spectacle: "This person spent $34,000 ... Coachella cost me about $78,000." (10:53)
• Bobby recounts his experience with artist passes, meeting headliners, and side-stage perks.
• Heated comparison between generational icons (Beyoncé vs. Madonna vs. Sabrina Carpenter):
  • "I don’t think anyone can top Beyoncé." (Matteo, 13:34)
  • Khalyla’s nieces didn’t recognize Madonna. "One of them asked, is that Charli XCX?" (15:47)

Big Debate — Is Sabrina Carpenter “AI music”?

• Bobby: "When I was listening to her music, I was trying to get into it, and there was nothing there for me, really." (24:42)
• Matteo defends Sabrina as genuinely talented but acknowledges Madonna's era felt like true innovation.

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Roasting Each Other: Age, Looks, and Fast Food

[23:17 – 34:07]

• They riff on Bobby’s age (“I’m 54.” – Bobby, 23:42) and youthful looks, hair transplants, and phones with giant fonts.
• Fast food opinions: Wendy’s, Shake Shack, and Taco Bell get shout-outs.
• Bobby fesses up to lying about never having been to Subway/Chipotle: "Yeah, I've been to every national restaurant." (33:12)

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Survival Challenge: Who Would Make It in the Rainforest?

[44:45 – 74:50]

• The centerpiece debate. Matteo and Khalyla roast Nick about his questionable survival abilities compared to Matteo’s.
• Nick earnestly (and delusionally) claims, "I could survive better than you." (54:54)
• Matteo and Bobby put Nick to the test—basic survival questions, like purifying water, his resistance to bugs, and how he'd fare physically.

Memorable moments:

• On Nick's breakfast routine:
  "I get Dunkin Donuts every morning ... four pumps of unsweetened hazelnut, four pumps of cream, two sugar." (30:13)
• On Nick and animals:
  "They're unpredictable ... they're dirty ... they are vicious." (39:04–39:15)
• On the practical test:
  Bobby asks Nick to lift him as if injured; Nick struggles but ultimately, "Wow, I did it. Now do that for seven miles!" (67:05)
• Matteo’s blunt summary:
  "If we were in a forest together, I would want you dead so I can use your bones to float myself to freedom." (67:59–68:10)

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Real-Life “Survivor” Skills and Ridiculous Scenarios

[46:06 – 74:50]

• They discuss zombie apocalypses, realities of making fire, and whether Nick could spear a fish (“With friction!” “With your hands?” “A rock, maybe?” – 72:20).
• Nick’s fear of pigeons, inability to handle bugs, and general lack of “outdoor” skills are repeatedly skewered.
• Khalyla gives pragmatic arguments for why Nick would be voted out or eaten first.

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Notable Quotes

• "Because I don't like genuine performance where you can see them trying—Sabrina Carpenter, just like, tears coming out of her eyes... I'm like, fuck off."
  – Bobby Lee (36:36)

• "You are not good looking. Why wouldn't you? Why would you have...?"
  – Matteo Lane, challenging Bobby’s insecurity at the club (09:48)

• "If we were in a forest together, I would want you dead so I can use your bones to float myself to freedom."
  – Matteo Lane (67:59)

• "I am like Reba, and I'm gonna survive."
  – Nick Smith (62:25)

• "You know those photos of Ukrainian soldiers coming back from the war? That's your look now."
  – Bobby Lee, to Nick (59:17)

---

Timestamps of Key Segments

• Matteo & Nick’s Relationship, Podcast Intro: [01:22 – 03:02]
• Types of Gays, LA vs. NY: [03:06 – 09:15]
• Comedy in 12 Step Meetings: [04:00 – 06:56]
• Coachella, Pop Music Icons: [10:30 – 21:15]
• Bobby’s Age/Looks, Fast Food: [23:17 – 34:07]
• Survival Skills Showdown: [44:45 – 74:50]
  • Nick’s Dunkin routine: [30:13]
  • Animal disinterest: [39:04–39:15]
  • Carry Bobby (physical challenge): [67:05]
  • “If we were in a forest…” quote: [67:59]
• Hilarious Roller Coaster Audio: [54:52 – 56:04]
• Spear-fishing Survival Fantasy: [72:05 – 72:51]

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Memorable, Offbeat Moments

• Nick’s “sun hat” on gay beaches, causing a sensation on Grindr and among beachgoers ([28:48]).
• Dissecting club body types ("Slender Man", "baby panda") and absurd club scenarios ([07:39], [08:18]).
• Nick’s candid, out-of-his-depth responses to survival questions.
• Lighthearted but sharp generational ribbing about pop stars, phones, and the feeling of being "ancient".
• Bobby and Matteo’s improv and bit escalation around survivor logic, camp construction, and who would be killed and eaten first.

---

Episode Tone & Language

Banter is sharp, personal, inclusive, a bit irreverent, but always affectionate. The panel bounces between earnest self-reflection and full-tilt ridicule—typical of TigerBelly’s unfiltered, rapid-fire comedic style.

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For New Listeners: Why This Episode Works

• A masterclass in comedic roasting among friends.
• Insightful view into gay subcultures, inter-generational pop debates, and festival absurdities.
• The “survival debate” is both ridiculous and revealing—hilariously exposing each participant’s strengths and weaknesses.
• Perfect example of how TigerBelly elegantly tangles sincerity and absurdity, never losing warmth amid relentless teasing.

---

Transcript

[A]

With VRBoCare, help is always ready before, during, and after your stay. We've planned for the plot twists, so support is always available because a great trip starts with peace of mind.

[B]

I'm on my finally tour and come check me out at your nearest city. I have a graphic novel out called Bobby Lee deadweight. It's on gudner.com, also available on Amazon. Can you turn it up a little bit?

[A]

Am I singing, like, an intro to the show?

[B]

Whatever you want to talk about.

[A]

Welcome. It's been two years and I'm back on the show and I brought my badge thing. Hello, everybody.

[B]

Hello.

[C]

Hi.

[B]

We have Nick Smith and Matteo Lang. Give them a round of applause, everybody. It's been a while. It's been a couple of years since we've had you on Matteo. You're new, Nick. I am, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

I forgot how powerful your voice is.

[B]

What do you mean?

[A]

Like, it just is.

[B]

Like, I know it's too much.

[A]

It's not too much, but inside it's like I feel the vibration.

[B]

Well, I mean, I think I have dictator vibes. You know what I mean? Like Kim Jong Un, but just the vibes. Yeah, yeah. I only have the vibes. Excuse me.

[C]

I was like, do I need these?

[B]

You don't need them. Am I too loud?

[C]

No, actually, yeah.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. What does this mean?

[C]

It's too much. You're already at an 11.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I could go back to a nine.

[C]

Could you?

[B]

Yeah. I don't think I can. I don't. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's too much. I'm sorry. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But, Nick, you're new to the podcast. Welcome.

[C]

Thank you.

[B]

Yeah. You guys have a podcast as well?

[C]

We do, unfortunately.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. What is it called?

[A]

I never liked you.

[B]

I never lied to. But you guys do like each other.

[C]

No debate. Contractually, we love each other.

[B]

Yeah. What is something that you guys disagree on?

[A]

Almost. There's a lot we do agree on, but I do agree disagree on everything.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[C]

Well, when we first met each other, we did not like each other.

[B]

Right. The way you shower.

[A]

Well, because we're 12, he's 6 foot 7. He must be so miserable in every shower. But yeah, no, we met through Bob the drag queen, and then he brought him in. Bob's like, oh, he has no gay friends. And then we met him, we're like, yeah, now we know why.

[B]

Also, the gays don't even like you, Nick.

[A]

No, no.

[C]

Well, these gays, apparently.

[B]

Oh, there are different types.

[C]

There are a lot of different types.

[B]

I don't know the world. I'm sorry.

[C]

Don't act like you.

[A]

How have you lived in Los Angeles in the entertainment industry this long, and you've been friends with me, and suddenly you have no idea there's different types of gay.

[B]

I don't know.

[C]

You're wearing those glasses and you don't know types of gays.

[A]

Evidently, you know Elton John. So you know one type of gay.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. All right. I know Bryan Singer.

[A]

Well, that's a different type of.

[B]

Different type of gay. Right, right, right. There was.

[A]

Of all gay people that existed, you jumped to Bryan Singer.

[B]

I'll tell you why.

[A]

Why?

[B]

Can I tell you why?

[C]

Sure.

[B]

Because a long, long time ago, right. I. And this is. I don't want to. I'm just gonna say it. Okay, sure. All right. So every Friday night, I would go to the ihop next to the Comedy Store.

[C]

I love.

[B]

Which you love, Right?

[C]

I love ihop.

[B]

And I would see the gay mafia there.

[A]

And who was involved?

[B]

It was Singer.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Spacey. Oh, yeah.

[A]

It was all hung out.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

I think they were plotting at ihop. Do you think, like, you, like, you know, sometimes you, like, post AA meetings are always at, like, a diner, like, vibe and stuff like that. Right. But that's, like, a positive talk. And then you go to ihop and they're just plotting the demise of the

[B]

meeting after the meeting.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Are you. Are you in 12 steps?

[A]

No, I'm not.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

But every single one of my friends. Of course. Yeah, of course. Bobby. This is a shocking thing, but. But all my friends, Literally all my friends are in program. The point where I'm always like, there's no crosstalk. So I just. I'm very much.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

I always want to bother. You know Evan Williams, right?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I want to. I want to humiliate him because he's always so proud of himself for the speeches he gives, but in front of me, he can't. So I want to, like, sneak into one of his meetings and be like, oh, what's up, everyone? To J. Ho There's. And I would be like, sir, there's no crosstalk, ma'.

[C]

Am.

[B]

Oh, because you know stuff.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Well, it's called a pitch. Right, Right. So when I'm in an AA meeting, it's so Hollywood. It's so Hollywood. But I have. When I. I've been asked to be the main speaker, and I know ex. It's like a set. I know exactly what I'm gonna say, but none of it's real.

[A]

But do you feel.

[B]

None of it's real.

[D]

Walk that back.

[C]

How many times have you done these steps? Cause that doesn't seem. Running that back.

[D]

Yeah, run it.

[C]

It does not seem like it's doing.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. So I never talk about the steps ever, because I don't know much about them. You have.

[C]

That's right.

[A]

You must.

[B]

Like, I've done them, but I don't know much about them.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

The point is, if you're sober, that's all that counts.

[B]

Yeah, I'm sober. I go to the meetings.

[C]

Good.

[B]

Yeah. But sometimes I'll. They'll go. Can you be the main speaker? So I have a comedy also a real spit. It's gross. I know.

[A]

Hold on. Is it. How much time are you doing?

[B]

45 minutes.

[A]

45 minutes.

[B]

I'm headlining.

[A]

But are you doing the same thing every time? Do you ever.

[C]

Just in the back of a church?

[B]

Yes, in the back of a church.

[A]

But are you ever finding yourself, like, subconsciously soliloquying into your act?

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

And that's when I was. Anyone ever been to TGI on Tuesday?

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. Sometimes there's pockets where your gut goes. This is where you put a joke. Yeah, of course. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And you'll get a laugh. Right?

[A]

I do that. I don't know if you guys do it in therapy, like, I'll be in therapy. I'm like, well, I have to insert a joke.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know, the timing is perfect.

[B]

Yeah. Here's what happened. One time, I was main speaking at a club. At a club at. They had a podium, right.

[C]

Club of Christ.

[B]

So there was a podium, right. And they had, like, you know, a booklet. Like, it was like a. Where you do the. How it works. And people read off of it. Birthdays. It's like a folder, and it dropped, and I. I'm speaking, and I went down to pick it up, but I did 45 seconds of just not being there, and then came up. I finally got it. And that got.

[C]

And they still didn't see you above the podium.

[B]

No.

[A]

God.

[B]

See, this is.

[A]

Sorry, Nick.

[B]

Sorry.

[A]

Not everyone. Sorry. All they would see of you is your ankles. You fucking. Jesus.

[B]

Right, Mateo. Now I get Nick.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

With that comment. I get it. Yeah. You're a monster. All right? But I love you.

[A]

You don't have to say things you don't mean.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You can just say.

[B]

So when. When I say types of gays is.

[A]

Oh, I forgot that.

[B]

Yeah. I remember everything you said.

[A]

Brian's. The memory of a bear trap.

[B]

Yeah. All for. Are there Like. Like Silver Lake. Is it. Is there, like.

[A]

We live in New York?

[C]

I was gonna say LA. We're not super familiar with WeHo.

[B]

Oh, okay. But it. I don't.

[A]

You're not gonna offend. What could in this. That's not been uttered.

[C]

You had Ari on earlier.

[A]

This is child's play.

[B]

Are common gay. Gay body types. Okay, I know the bear. I know the bear.

[A]

Hold on, wait a second.

[C]

Let's determine which one Bobby is.

[D]

Yeah, he's. Well, he's morphed in the last couple question.

[A]

No. Where. Where's Slender man for Nick.

[B]

Yeah. You are Slender Man. Oh, my God. It was to be funny. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You have a spooky look in the night. Yeah, yeah. Like if I was in a house and it was dark, you would have a spooky. Like the. Like the ring girl. You know what I mean? If there was a Japanese girl that I was living with in the dark, I would be scared. And if I had Slenderman living with me, I'd be scared as well.

[C]

All right, all right.

[B]

So let's look at the body types. Go ahead. Yeah, yeah. Well, you were going to tell me what I had.

[A]

I don't think the twink is following exactly what it's.

[C]

There are bears, but this will be useful. They call Asian bears pandas, so Bobby could be like a panda cub because you're not quite a bear.

[A]

Is that truenick?

[C]

Yes.

[B]

Oh, so I'm a panda cub in the scene.

[C]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

And now is there. Are they attracted to me?

[C]

Who attractive to you?

[B]

If I'm at a club, I'm at. You know what I mean?

[C]

Everyone has people that they're attracted to.

[A]

Have you dance

[C]

like a panda like that.

[A]

Raindrops keep falling on my head. Yeah.

[B]

Dude, I'm in a zoo. I was just born in zoo. There's an audience. It was.

[A]

I do like those videos of pandas.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[C]

That's what I'm saying.

[A]

Like him.

[B]

I'm chewing on bamboo. You imagine I'm at the club with a bam, bam.

[C]

You got bamboo in your mouth.

[B]

I just.

[A]

Yeah, bamboo.

[B]

Yeah, whatever. And so. Yeah, I don't know how to do it. But my.

[C]

Wait, you did it right the first time. I don't know how to do it.

[A]

I don't know how to do it.

[C]

Throwing it at the first time.

[A]

Meanwhile, a mime trying to do it with blush at the fact that you did it so perfectly.

[B]

I have done it before.

[A]

Good.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

Anyway. Wait, when? Where?

[B]

In high school.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Yeah, a couple.

[C]

Willingly?

[B]

Yeah, willingly.

[C]

Okay, great for you. Yeah.

[B]

Because I'm. I'm an explorer. Sure. Yeah, yeah. I'm sort of.

[C]

So was Magellan.

[B]

Magellan. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I was gonna say Columbus. Yeah, yeah.

[C]

You were exploring.

[B]

Yeah. So. So men would find me attractive. Like, would I get some action?

[C]

You were the one sucking.

[A]

You're not good looking. Why wouldn't you? Why would you have.

[B]

Because I'll tell you this. If I'm at a straight club, right?

[A]

A nightmare.

[B]

It's a nightmare. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I really don't get. I've never gone to a club and went, oh, I got somebody's number.

[A]

But also, you're a comic. You want to go to a club and get someone's number. Those are the people you want to get a number from. They're waiting for two hours outside. Yeah, waiting outside. The freezing cold. You ever drive by and you're like, oh, God, yeah.

[B]

But I mean, I've done it and it doesn't work. But you are.

[A]

You're like, if you're at a comedy club, it's so much cooler. You're on stage, they wait to come see. Yeah, you're like a successful comic. So you're gonna run with a bunch of 21 year olds and be like, this is my moment to meet some hot chick.

[B]

Like, what's wrong with you? Well, let's segue to Coachella. You had questions about.

[A]

I do have questions, because.

[C]

Lots of them.

[B]

Yeah, we just. We were just there. Oh, you didn't actually go?

[D]

Yeah, yeah, I was there with the intention of going. Didn't end up going, but I was still in Palm Springs with. With a gang.

[C]

Had you been before?

[D]

Oh, yeah.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So she has some life experience.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay. Yeah. What are your questions about Coachella?

[A]

Well, because I've never been to Coachella, but it's so fascinating to watch, like, the Post Coachella reaction, YouTube and like, obviously it's like the sensational stuff of like. Like this person spent $34,000 and then they show these clips. She's like. So, like, yeah, Coachella cost me about, like $78,000. Then I'm watching some gay guy, like, rearrange. He's like, all right, so obviously he's dressed like he's going to the Hamptons. He's in a tent, and he's like. So I thought, last year I put in mattress and I thought, no, no mattress this time to save space. I have a corner couch that's blow up now. You have to give it accessory. And after That I put a director's chair. Now if you look down here and I'm like, hold on a second. This guy is like. And it's amazing. Like, good for him. I heard it blew away, but I. Which is kind of, you know, but the video exists and that I can get behind. Yeah, but it's like, what is this the experience? Or it's either that.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Kylie Jenner is either in like a private jet flying down for four hours to fly back, or people are on themselves in the mud and eating pizza.

[B]

I got four Kylie Jenner or a situation.

[A]

How Hook. How'd you hook it up?

[B]

What do you mean?

[C]

He's.

[A]

How did you hook it up?

[B]

No, it's not about. I didn't know it was the director of the. The whole festival happens to be a fan.

[A]

Well, then I need to be next. I need to be a fan of. No, but I want to see what do.

[C]

During the daytime.

[D]

I would.

[C]

There's music during the day.

[B]

Yeah, like. But like, did you do stand up, Nick? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Right. So you would be at. During the day and he would be at night.

[C]

So no one's coming.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. He's in the main stage or in some tent in the. You know, I mean, sure, sure, sure. Yeah.

[C]

So there's music during the day, but it's nobody, right?

[B]

No, there are people that have an audience.

[C]

Nobody.

[B]

But they're not.

[C]

I mean, like, the headliners aren't during the.

[A]

Yeah. Sabrina and Madonna are going. And when I was at one and

[B]

one in the morning.

[A]

Did you see Justin B.

[C]

One in the morning.

[B]

He finished at one in the morning.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

And that's why I left.

[C]

Finish now.

[A]

Finish as if he's at the end. Like YouTube. Jesus Christ. He did what I did to watch him. I mean, that's not a performance.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So what happens is what happened was

[D]

Bobby loves the whole singing to himself to his old YouTube videos. Justin said you loved it.

[A]

Yeah, I don't hate it. I mean, I don't hate it, but it's not. What am I expecting?

[B]

You're not going to wait at one in the morning to do it.

[A]

No.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, that's usually when gays sit around showing each other their favorite YouTube videos of Justin Bieber. Well, no, sure. But it's the same like to. We like sitting around showing each other YouTube.

[B]

Sure, yeah.

[C]

Who's been your favorite performer you've ever seen at Coachella?

[D]

Honestly, I don't think anyone can top Beyonce.

[A]

No.

[D]

Coachella was like. Like, it was insane. And it was just the tempo and the, the effort. It was like non stop for three hours. I was exhausted standing up just watching.

[C]

Yeah. How many people are in the audience? Like, how many are like.

[D]

If it's like you're. If you're in Gen Pop, you're Gen Pop, you know, with the rest of the crowd. Thousands.

[B]

Not just thousands. You're talking about 100,000.

[C]

Really?

[D]

Yeah. But then you can be off to the side of VIP and have your little, you know, section and then you can be like Bobby, where you're like right up on the fence with your artist pass.

[B]

Yeah, So I saw the Strokes and my. So what? You said Beyonce. She's trying, right?

[A]

I like Beyonce doesn't try. She does.

[B]

Okay. What do you mean?

[A]

Just does she. She's like.

[B]

Everyone does.

[A]

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

[B]

Nick. What?

[C]

You be honest. You think Beyonce and Justin Bieber are doing the same thing?

[B]

They're doing, but not the same thing, but they're still doing.

[A]

That might have been the worst.

[B]

No, it's not. It's not.

[A]

That was the worst response ever.

[B]

No, no. You're saying they're doing.

[A]

What other verb am I going to use to describe the action of creating something? Do you find them equal in their performance?

[B]

No, no. There's effort.

[A]

Now who.

[B]

So there's. There's effortless and effort. There's people that are, you know, you know, as comics. Right. There are low energy comics that just kind of. And they don't move. Right. And then you have people like me with a performer.

[A]

Wasn't 20 years ago. Do you see what I'm saying? Todd Berry's like Stephen Wright. You know what I mean?

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Like the chill, like funn. Funny guys, you know that, that energy when they come to you. Yeah, that's. It's always been that way. It's not like it evolved.

[B]

Yeah, but Bieber is doing a Todd Berry is what I'm saying.

[A]

That would be amazing.

[D]

Sunday you had Carol G. Yeah. And she was all effort. She brought out.

[C]

Well, women usually are. Sabrina and.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, I saw Sabrina. All with Madonna.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

With Madonna.

[A]

Did people. All effort did cheer people cheering on Madonna came out because the rumor is that everyone kind of stood around watching.

[D]

Well, I'll tell you why.

[B]

No, I'll tell you.

[D]

Well, my nieces were up front. My nieces are young girls. And they not only did they not know that it was Madonna, one of them asked, is that Charlie XCX Nice. Yeah. That they were. They were that lost about who this person was.

[A]

And I'm like, oh, my God, who doesn't know Madonna?

[B]

Yeah, I would.

[C]

Kids don't know.

[D]

Yeah, kids don't.

[B]

Why wouldn't they? Because if Paul McCartney went up there, everyone would know it was Paul McCartney.

[C]

No, I think.

[D]

I don't think so.

[A]

Although, you know what's great about.

[B]

Wait, wait, Nickel.

[C]

I don't even know if I could pick Paul McCartney. Are you fucking compared to Madonna?

[B]

Are you crazy? If you saw Paul McCartney walking down the street, you wouldn't go, oh, there's Paul McCartney.

[C]

Maybe. But if I saw Madonna, I'd be like, there's Madonna.

[B]

Okay. Yeah, okay. But that's okay. And there must be gay and me. Because when Madonna came out, I had goosebumps. Gasped because I had no idea it was a surprise. I gasped first.

[C]

Clutched your pearls?

[B]

I clutched my pearls. Right, right, right. Yeah. I mean, I started shaking, right. And then I had goosebumps and I go. Because you first heard Vogue the music. Yeah. So in your head, as a logical person, you're going, oh, she's covering it. She's gonna do a cover of it. Right. But then when you see Madonna come out, it was screaming.

[A]

Right.

[C]

But was everyone around you reacting the same way? No.

[B]

There were girls going, what's going on? Which our hubble are high.

[A]

Maybe that's a lot of it, too.

[D]

No, I think the Sabrina Carpenter fan is very young.

[C]

They're like Gen Z Gen. Yeah.

[B]

It's AI Music. What she's doing.

[C]

No, it's no Sabrina Carpenter sound.

[D]

There's AI Music. That's not that.

[B]

Don't point your finger at me.

[D]

I'm sorry.

[C]

Point it.

[D]

But I'm going to defend Sabrina. That is not AI Music.

[C]

Point two at him.

[B]

Okay.

[D]

You think that Sabrina is. She can actually do things?

[A]

Yeah, she's a talented musician.

[C]

She's very talented.

[B]

May I make up my argument then? Sure, sure.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

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[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Or, yeah, I do my mortgage payments on this.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And you also go to Amazon.com a lot.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. And also I go to the Bilt Travel portal.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

Yeah. I love that. The different dimensions.

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[B]

Helix for your sleep.

[C]

Ah.

[B]

Helix for your sleep. I have three bedrooms in my house. Every bedroom has a Helix mattress. I'll tell you why.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

I want any guest to sleep at my house. Luke. Right. And have them have the best rest of their life. Okay. Helix helps you sleep better. A study they ran found that 82% Luke of those involved saw an increase in their deep sleep cycle while sleeping on a Helix mattress.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Super important for your health.

[B]

Yeah. What else, guys?

[A]

Well, I've been at Bobby's house a lot, and I've been sleeping in his beds a lot. He hasn't been aware of this. I just kind of come in and sleep in his beds. I noticed there's been a huge upgrade in beds. It really just improved my sleep and everything. And I had a. I had a problem in my neck where I wouldn't be able to sleep good with my neck. But the Helix mattress literally fixed.

[B]

I remember that one night, you're like, my neck feels better.

[A]

Really good.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

What I really like about Helix is

[C]

the seamless delivery, by the way. It comes right to your door.

[B]

It does.

[A]

Little box.

[B]

What do you mean? In a little box?

[A]

Yeah, it's like a box. It's tiny, but then you open it

[C]

up and there's this giant, beautiful, plush mattress on the inside.

[B]

So cool. Yeah. You know all about it. I do. Yeah. I know you do. Because you've opened my boxes before.

[A]

You haven't let me sleep over.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Look it as allowed.

[A]

I. I wasn't sure if the Helix mattress was going to, but I was comfortable getting it because they have 120 night sleep trial and a limited lifetime warranty. So for my whole life I'll know I can have this Helix mattress.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

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[C]

Sure.

[B]

Okay. You know, can I just say something? Nick, your attitude right now is because of Slender Man. You shifted. All right.

[C]

You gotta win me back.

[B]

Your ghostly look. Right? Sure. All right. We were just pointing out the obvious. Right?

[C]

And I'll be.

[B]

And you called me a baby. All right. And you called me a baby panda.

[A]

He's. He's Slender Man. I'm giving Jafar.

[C]

Jafar at a deli.

[A]

Jafar. Jafar at a deli. Like if Jafar worked at a deli. That's me. You know, I would have the. No, wait.

[C]

I do want to hear your argument on why you think Sabrina's AI music.

[B]

Okay. Because even when I was a kid, right, I was more of a punk rock kid.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

You mean my roots start stem from the Velvet Underground to the Stooges. And you mean three Stooges.

[A]

Imagine.

[B]

Hey Mo,

[A]

like it's not underground, these three guys. Stooges. Have you heard of them?

[B]

You know what I mean? Yeah, but I. No, I liked, you know, Iggy popping the Stooges. You know what I mean? So it's punk rock base, right? And when, when 80s pop came, like the Peshmo and the Smiths, right, they were kind of poppy. The Cure was kind of poppy. You know what I mean? And then when Madonna came out, it's. I mean, my punk rock. You know what I mean?

[A]

Guy was Bobby is 41 or 70.

[B]

What do you mean?

[A]

What do you mean? Because you don't age and you look great. But you're talking like back in my day, like when Madonna came out. Like if you had musical taste by the time Madonna came out.

[C]

How old Are literally.

[A]

What is this? Are you five, pretending you're punk rock and you get the roots? Like, what is happening? Okay.

[B]

I'm 54.

[A]

You look really good.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

Are you really?

[B]

Yeah, I am 54. I'm 55. Almost.

[C]

Maybe you are gay because we don't age either.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. Maybe it's the gay Asian, the gay part of me.

[C]

Maybe.

[B]

Maybe. Yeah.

[A]

You're gonna be 40 in two months.

[B]

Wow. Yeah, yeah. You look in your. Like, in your 20s.

[C]

Thank you.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

I'm so mad that you said. Because he's been trying to convince Everybody that he's 24 years old for a solid three. He's 35.

[B]

I would buy 24.

[C]

Thank you, Bobby.

[B]

I would buy 40 for you.

[A]

Let's go, grandpa. Let's go back to museum taste.

[C]

No, no. He's buying 40 because of the three hair transplants.

[A]

Yeah. This is a lot of hair transplants.

[B]

You have hair transplant transplants?

[A]

Yes, we talked about this.

[B]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I. I didn't. I forgot.

[A]

To be fair, it was only two years ago.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So anyway, back to Madonna and Sabrina Carpenter.

[C]

To me, when Madonna came out.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, to me. You mean when she sang Vogue and Just Like a Prayer. Right. Catchier, hookier, iconic, and. And I had never heard of Sabrina Carpenter. And when I was listening to her music, I was trying to get into it, and there was nothing there for me, really.

[C]

I will say, in Bobby's defense.

[B]

Okay, thank you.

[C]

When Madonna came out, she really was doing things you had never heard of before. Like, she really was a trailblazer in that sense of that kind of pop that she was doing. And she was doing songs and singing things that, like, felt new. Where Sabrina is incredibly talented, but it's not necessarily new.

[D]

Right.

[B]

Like, that's what I'm. That's one. When I said I have to go

[A]

to remember, too, like, Sabrina is. Is pandering to a younger audience. And for them, that sound is new.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

You know, we have to remember each generation, like, to us, Brittany, Christina, Backstreet Boys, like, oh, my God, this is so new. Well, okay, in the 80s, they had their version of the same thing. The 70s, vice versa. So it's a kind of like a rehashing. Sorry, what was 1958 like? You want to tell me what that was like, what was it like before phones were invented? Fucking Christ.

[B]

Yeah, okay. You look young, too.

[A]

How big is the. How big is the font?

[B]

You look 32.

[A]

I wonder how big the font is being.

[B]

I know.

[A]

Bobby, I want to know any hostile. I want to. No, Bobby, I want to know how big the font is on your phone. Is it one letter? You scroll. Takes forever to send it. This is for Nick. Can you point out Paul McCartney?

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

How the fuck did you come up with this so quickly?

[B]

Real quick.

[C]

Okay, number one.

[B]

Exactly.

[A]

But that was all of them.

[B]

That was easy.

[C]

Number three, I've never seen in my life.

[B]

Okay, zoom in on number three, please.

[A]

You guys on the number three, zoom

[B]

in on number three because I can't really see it.

[A]

Is that from Coldplay?

[D]

Yeah, it's Chris Martin.

[A]

Okay, but that's.

[B]

Okay, that does not look like.

[A]

And then number four is Sharon Osbourne. I mean, Madonna and Leo DiCaprio. All these musical legends. What is this list?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Wait, this is fun. I want to keep doing it.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. Gene Simmons is too.

[A]

How many lakes did you dry up to pull this up? I mean, this is ridiculous.

[C]

Too many.

[B]

Too many lakes.

[A]

I want to kind of know where. Why they're getting arrested, though. That's my favorite. Like, what would they all be doing together to be getting arrested? Were they at ihop?

[C]

They're all in.

[B]

Oh, they're It Friday night.

[A]

What?

[C]

They're all in skinny jeans in 2026.

[B]

So can I make an argument about the musical thing? About what you just said and.

[A]

Because I don't remember what I said.

[B]

You did a 1958 thing that I

[A]

was old, so I still think it was funny.

[B]

Yeah, it's very funny. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I laughed, you know, hysterically at that. You know what I mean? And then I had to go back and go, you look 32.

[A]

I don't. I look my age. I look almost 40.

[B]

But you do look 24.

[C]

Thank you.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

And I believe you.

[B]

Yeah, I. I honestly do. You know what I mean?

[C]

Thank you.

[B]

Yeah. Your length, though, is obscure.

[C]

Sure.

[A]

And unusual, but he's cataract, so it's hard to make.

[C]

And that's fair. I. I don't disagree on all of those. Okay, but the 24.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Thank you.

[B]

Yeah. Maybe get into the sun. No, no, no, no, no. I have to.

[A]

We have a video we need to just see of Nick on.

[C]

I have a three foot sun hat that I wear.

[A]

Okay, let me see the size of this table. Let me see. It's the size of the table. I could just. I probably scroll through my Instagram to get it.

[C]

We can show I so much. Don't go in the sun. The Uber dropped us off at the wrong house and I walked in and Crawled under the awning of one of your neighbor's home.

[B]

Oh, wow, A Japanese person. Because I wouldn't say, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

But also, we're on the beach and I was like, nick, that is a ridiculous. I don't want that sun to get on my shin. And I said, okay, but what about the rest of the beach? We also want sun, like, now.

[C]

I don't.

[B]

Yeah. Why? Why?

[C]

Well, that's a. How you age.

[A]

That's what they say. Oh, yeah. There's Nick.

[B]

There's Nick. It's subtle.

[A]

There I am.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah, there you are. Yeah, like a normal person. Yeah. Yeah.

[C]

Wow.

[B]

Wow. Okay. So what beach is that? Is that Malibu?

[A]

Mitch Farino. We went to Mexico a year ago.

[C]

The gay beach.

[B]

Gay beach?

[C]

Yeah, before the.

[A]

But Nick was walking around with that sun hat. My butt looks great. Nick was walking around with that sun hat.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Someone messaged him on Grindr and said, I just want you to know, you are the topic of the beach right now. And also, he can't. There's another video. He can't walk in the water.

[C]

Well, to be fair, also, the sun is hotter on the west coast.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[C]

I think that's true.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That doesn't make any sense.

[C]

Well, the waves are stronger in the Pacific. Yeah, right.

[B]

Yeah. Why. Why would I know?

[C]

I'm saying, agree with me.

[B]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

That's not how. You wouldn't.

[B]

Historical. You remember like, Pearl harbor or something? Well, you do. It was a sneak attack, and I apologize. They were sleeping. But anyway, what I want. My musical point was this.

[C]

Before. Wait.

[D]

Sorry. But how's your vitamin D?

[B]

Oh, my God.

[C]

Well, how would I check that?

[D]

Just you. Doctor, I. I'm really curious, because I

[C]

do think you do. Look, I take a multivitamin every day, okay? Does that have my vitamin D in it?

[A]

Let me tell you something. Right now, inside, it's gray.

[C]

Oh, yeah. I'm rotting.

[A]

Why don't you guys. Why don't. Why don't you ask him what his daily.

[C]

No, you know, I've been healthier this year.

[A]

What is his daily routine of eating?

[D]

Okay, let's start with breakfast.

[C]

I get Dunkin Donuts every morning.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

Okay.

[D]

Every morning.

[C]

What?

[A]

Donut exaggeration?

[C]

No, not a donut. I get an iced coffee from Dunkin Donuts every morning.

[A]

What kind of iced coffee?

[B]

Coffee. Yeah.

[C]

A large iced coffee, four pumps of unsweetened hazelnut, four pumps of cream, two sugar.

[B]

Okay. You don't get cold foam. The sweet, cold Foam that they use. Okay.

[A]

And then doesn't eat.

[C]

And if I'm in la, I'll have it.

[A]

No food, no nothing. And then at 12 o' clock every single day, what do you have?

[C]

Chipotle.

[B]

What are you getting?

[D]

What? What from Chipotle?

[A]

Bowl.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

Extra white rice.

[B]

Never been in there.

[C]

No, Be. What?

[B]

Never been in Chipotle.

[C]

Are you doing a bit right now?

[B]

No, I'm not doing a bit. It's like a Subway. I've never been in it.

[C]

You've never been to Subway?

[B]

No, no, no. I refuse. It's against my moral ethnical rights.

[C]

Yeah, but you're fully.

[A]

Ethnic.

[B]

I was gonna say ethic, but then it came out ethnic and it committed to it. So I'm gonna commit to it. My ethnical rights.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. I've never been to a Subway. I've never been to a. What's it called?

[C]

Chipotle.

[B]

Chipotle. And I've never been.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

No.

[A]

What did you just say?

[C]

Chipotle.

[B]

Chipotle. I've never been to a Panera Bread.

[A]

What?

[D]

That's crazy. Okay. These are all lies.

[C]

So you don't go to chain restaurants?

[B]

Have you ever seen me in a Panera Bread?

[D]

I've seen you in many Chipotle. So already, no, you've never seen me.

[A]

Are you gagging?

[D]

Are you.

[C]

Fuck him.

[D]

Are you crazy?

[B]

You're gaslighting me.

[D]

I am absolutely not. You have dementia. I'm on her side of fucking dementia. If you think you have a child.

[B]

What do they serve there?

[A]

That's how I. What do you mean, what do they serve there? How have you existed for so long and you've never even heard of a Chipotle?

[B]

I've heard of BOA Steakhouse.

[D]

Sorry, I have.

[C]

I don't know either of those places.

[D]

I'm sorry.

[C]

Sorry.

[B]

What's wrong?

[D]

Can we take a pause? I have to. Weird story, but I have to receive a dog I'm fostering right outside. I'm. I think she's a mix, but let's find out. But continue talking. I'll be right back.

[A]

Back. Okay.

[B]

Well, after. You accuse me of being going at

[D]

Chipotle, by the way, this is a fact. You're lying. I can. There's so many pictures of. Of you, just, like, gargling.

[C]

Pull it.

[D]

I'll pull it up. From early in our relationship. That's all you ate? That's all.

[B]

You clock it crazy, I know, but as a. Let me just say that I think you're right. All right, but let me Secondly, I want to say this right as my co. Host. Right. You're supposed to defend me in the. In the improv. Not about to. It's called improv. It's called improv.

[C]

Under no circumstance were we trying to.

[A]

Zip. Zap. Zap.

[B]

Oh, Zip. Zap. Zap. Zopping Zombie. Yeah.

[D]

Sand.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Sand.

[B]

And you weren't. You weren't. Yes. Anding.

[D]

I'm sorry.

[B]

Yeah. And. Yeah. I've been to Chipotle. I apologize. I lie. I'm a liar. I mean. Yeah.

[A]

I love you, Bobby.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. To cause. You know what I mean? Rift.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Right. And to cause chaos. I Sometimes.

[C]

And I appreciate that, actually.

[B]

Yeah. Thank you.

[C]

Keeps me on my toes.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I apologize for that.

[C]

No need to apologize.

[B]

Actually. And I've been to Subway.

[C]

Well, that you should apologize for.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I was like. How. Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Working comic. Have you not.

[B]

I know. I've been to every national restaurant.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

In my life.

[A]

So what's your favorite one?

[B]

I like Wendy's a lot.

[C]

Really?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

If I'm going for a burger.

[B]

Yeah. It's a national one. Fast food. Go ahead.

[A]

Although I love Shake Shake Shack.

[B]

Oh, Shake Shack's great.

[A]

It's so good.

[B]

It's so good.

[A]

Always satisfying.

[B]

And they open later, so on the road you can usually get it.

[A]

Yeah. And they're a little like. They always give you a bit of attitude to remind you you've made a mistake somewhere in life.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. You go. It's like. Yeah.

[C]

Taco Bell just always slaps, though.

[B]

I feel like it slaps Taco Bell. You can't go wrong.

[A]

I actually don't like.

[C]

And it's everywhere.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

I know.

[B]

I'm.

[A]

I don't like Taco Bell.

[B]

But you don't do Del Taco.

[A]

No.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I don't live.

[B]

I think so much for even saying that.

[A]

No. I think only a West coast thing.

[C]

Is it a West Coast.

[B]

It's a West co. H. It's like a knockoff. Taco Bell. The people. And I see lines when next to a Taco Bell.

[A]

And I go.

[B]

And the Taco Bell has no line. And I'm going. What is the. Is going on here?

[C]

No.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Prison.

[B]

So I apologize for lying and.

[C]

But I still haven't gotten to you.

[A]

I know.

[C]

Musical.

[B]

I'm still gonna get to that point because my mind registers and computes.

[C]

Sure.

[B]

And I have a good memory. Okay. So my 19. So your argument was.

[A]

I don't even remember.

[B]

I'm gonna tell you what it is.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

You're saying it's a generational thing.

[A]

I didn't say like that.

[B]

Yeah, but that's why how I hear it.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Yeah. I mean, it's not.

[C]

He did say it.

[B]

And Coachella, like, with your fag sound,

[A]

even though you said it went to Coachella.

[B]

I did.

[A]

Private jet.

[B]

I didn't go to private jet. I drove there. Oh, yeah.

[A]

That humanizes you a bit more.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. And I parked.

[A]

Where'd you park?

[B]

Close.

[C]

Did you walk or. Golf cart.

[B]

Yeah, golf cart.

[A]

That's cool.

[B]

To the entrance.

[A]

Are you gonna invite me next year?

[B]

Yeah, you could totally come.

[C]

You would go to Coachella?

[A]

If I'm going with Bobby. That'd be fun.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Plenty of stories.

[B]

Yeah. You get an artist pass the whole thing.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I would totally take you. Okay.

[C]

Who did you think was better, Sabrina or Justin?

[B]

I didn't watch Justin. It was too late.

[C]

Oh, I thought you. No, you would.

[B]

So what happened was the Strokes played.

[C]

Gotcha.

[B]

Yeah. And my argument. I have two arguments. Okay.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

One of the arguments is because you're saying that you're defending Sabrina and saying that she is a great singer, great performer, etc. Etc. Right. And I agree with that. Those points.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Okay. But the lead singer of the Strokes did more my thing, which he did anti performance, and I thought that that was cool. But what's so confused. What are you doing?

[A]

I'm just listening.

[B]

Yeah. With your.

[C]

But what about. What about that is cool, though? Because people come to see someone perform, they spent $78,000 to go, yeah, yeah. And you are there to see this person perform, and they go, are we done?

[A]

Can.

[B]

Yeah. I love.

[C]

You wouldn't be disappointed by that.

[B]

No. Because it's like, I wanted to leave.

[A]

You wanted to be anti.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. His sentiment on stage, exactly how I

[C]

felt like it was mirroring your.

[B]

Yeah, like, think we're done. But he wasn't done.

[A]

Do you think he's so jaded, though? Like, at some point when he's on stage and he's turning his back and, like, let's sort of attitude, like, let's get this over with. Do you think he believes it or it's. It's an affectation to be like, I'm still this person. I'm still punk rock. I'm still cool. I'm still. You know.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

You see what I'm saying? Isn't that in itself a kind of drag? Like, what's genuine?

[B]

Because I don't like genuine performance where it's like, you can See them trying, right? So at one point, Sabrina Carpenter just, like, tears coming out of her eyes. You mean just tears. Right.

[C]

See, I would eat.

[B]

Right? Right?

[C]

I would eat.

[B]

And it's like, there's things going on and she's 100% performing, right? And I'm like, fuck off.

[C]

Ugh. I would eat that up.

[B]

You wouldn't be there.

[C]

I wouldn't be there. You're right. But I'd watch it on YouTube and I'd eat that up.

[B]

You can't eat it up. Up via YouTube. You have to be there.

[C]

That's talent, though.

[B]

It is talent. And I didn't say that. I go. I said to my. I'm saying to you. I mean, is that she has the performance skills, the charisma, the beauty, right? She has it all.

[C]

Sure.

[B]

And I get why there's a sea of kids singing. Right? But just for me, it didn't hit.

[C]

You've seen it before.

[A]

It's just taste, is what you're saying.

[B]

No, I'm just saying I. I'm a man of historical.

[C]

Well, it's like what I said.

[B]

No, I'm sorry. I'm gonna. What's going on?

[A]

Oh, my God. So cute. So cute.

[B]

He.

[A]

She. She looks so soft. Nick, do you like dogs? You're staring at it. I don't like. Yeah.

[B]

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. That space, that was insane. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Hold on, hold on. Mato.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Forget the music.

[A]

Oh, you're right.

[B]

This is more urgent.

[A]

This is.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What the.

[A]

He doesn't like dogs.

[B]

It's insane.

[A]

He doesn't like animals in general.

[C]

No.

[B]

Yeah. This says a lot.

[C]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

You wear.

[C]

It's a. No wonder why I'm single.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You wear a pull pot, Cambodian hat on a beach like you're an emperor and I am.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like, I don't want the sun. Right, Right. Please protect me. Right. And you don't like animals.

[C]

Right?

[B]

Right. What is it about animals you don't like?

[C]

They're unpredictable. They. Good point.

[B]

That is a good point. I got it, I got it, I got it, I got it. Write this down. I gotta write this down.

[A]

No, I want to pat her.

[B]

All right, so let's see.

[A]

Little sunflowers.

[C]

I know.

[B]

They're unpro. Un. Predictable.

[C]

Unpredictable.

[B]

Yes.

[C]

They're dirty.

[B]

Dirty.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

They are vicious or, like, can hurt you.

[A]

What about the companions?

[B]

Yeah. Like, we're not talking about a black Panther in the a.m. i mean, but

[C]

dogs can still attack.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[C]

We're not talking about they don't speak, so you don't know when they're going to attack. And I don't like that.

[B]

So, like, when you look at that dog right now, do you think it's in attack mode? It could though anything. Well, then in your logic, anything can happen.

[C]

And that's how I go through life.

[B]

All right, so a piano can fall in your head. Yes, I see you live your life, hence the hat. But that hat doesn't protect you from a piano.

[D]

But anyway, she's up for adoption. Her name is Bella.

[B]

Well, I'll tell you who's Bella.

[C]

From Twilight.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Edward, if you're watching.

[B]

Okay. So you. You didn't grow up with animals?

[C]

No.

[B]

Okay. I think that's.

[A]

Well, his parents.

[C]

True.

[A]

His parents just got a dog and he was like. His mom was like, Nick is

[B]

What? What?

[A]

Nick is really doesn't like the dog.

[B]

I. I've never met someone like you.

[A]

Yeah, Nick is.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You may meet. You may be Slender Man. You have Slenderman.

[C]

Have you ever seen me and them in the same room? No.

[B]

Okay, that's very good.

[A]

What. What about. What are you like, with your mom's dog? What infuriates you about that dog?

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

Wait, did your mom love her dog more than like. Because usually when I, I find. If I dig deeper, there's usually a parent who is obsessed with their animals and the kid feels like they're second or third place.

[C]

No, I'm absolutely first place in my mom.

[D]

Okay, okay.

[A]

Okay. Well, that's.

[C]

That's not the issue.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

Now, we had a dog when I was younger, but my mom is alert allergic to dogs and cats. So the dog ended up having to live sort of outside in our yard or in our, like, screen room, porch area because she was allergic. So then we eventually had to get rid of the dog because she was allergic. And you never had animals and you

[B]

never bonded with that animal?

[C]

Not really, no. And then I had a turtle, but I didn't take care of it. My dad took care of it. What kind of turtle?

[D]

Yeah, like a big one or a small? Ready. Lighter. Like a tank.

[C]

It was just small in a tank.

[D]

Okay, okay. Okay. Not like a big tortoise. That's.

[C]

No, I didn't touch it or take care of it. My dad did. And then we, like, put it in a creek.

[B]

So funny to me.

[A]

So anyways, that turtle, literally.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[C]

It smelled my.

[B]

The cutest thing imaginable.

[C]

Then we just threw.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[C]

We threw it in a crypt One

[A]

day he grew up in a town of like, 50 people.

[B]

Oh, I see.

[C]

700.

[B]

Yeah, 700 people. Right.

[D]

But, like, who do you love?

[C]

My friends.

[A]

Okay, you do

[C]

you know that I love my friends and I love my family.

[B]

Okay, you do love your parents.

[A]

We call his mom to see if me and Bob the drag queen were hanging off a cliff and. Oh, no, I'm sorry.

[C]

If you and me.

[A]

Me and Nick were hanging off a cliff and his mom had to pick someone to save so she could survive. She picked me.

[B]

Why?

[C]

In her defense, the question was posed, you have to save someone to help you surv and find safety.

[A]

We have the video.

[C]

She said, well, obviously, I'm gonna choose Mateo.

[A]

If you. Wait. Bobby should watch this. If you go to my Instagram. Yeah, it's like the. It's a recent reel, but I just. You need to hear what his mom said because.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Looking for the perfect rental. Discover top rated stays loved by guests. Rated highest by real guests. Through authentic reviews, these traveler loved stays are recognized by the details that matter most and validated by real experiences. Choose confidently from rentals you can trust. VRBO Book now. A vacation rental loved by guests.

[B]

Go home when you're listening. Yeah, let's listen to it now.

[A]

If you go to my reels, it's pretty recent.

[C]

Mountain somewhere. You, me and Bob. All of a sudden, you turn around and Bob and I slipped and we're both hanging on to that class.

[A]

I pick Bob up. Up. Bob will be so much more helpful to get us out of that situation.

[C]

What?

[A]

In almost every single way.

[C]

Gut answer. Who are you saving? Me or Mateo?

[B]

First of all, if I grab you, you, I will have to do all the lifting. Be indicative of what would happen once

[C]

you get back on the cliff.

[B]

Mateo would actually help me do things around it. I'm gonna pull, I'm gonna grab.

[C]

Hang up that phone right now.

[A]

Wait, you're on the podcast.

[C]

Who are you saving that you think can do that? That can help you find safety and survive and be rescued hands down.

[A]

So fast.

[B]

No. Process of thinking. Yeah, yeah.

[C]

Understanding the situation. Now. Just wait. Because we call. His son is hanging from a cliff.

[A]

He can help me save you.

[C]

I've died at that time. You've watched your baby boy plummet to death.

[A]

You don't have any arm strength, so.

[B]

Okay, great. It's great.

[C]

Call your mother.

[A]

Fine. An Italian mom's gonna pick her son.

[C]

Call your mother.

[A]

Sorry, Nick, you're falling to the bottom of this.

[C]

You think your son would be able to find safety and rescue you? On a stranded cliff over me.

[A]

Of course I'm saving my son.

[C]

Okay, don't say of course. My mother chose the title. My mother.

[A]

That's it.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

All right.

[B]

So I don't know you that well, Nick.

[A]

Okay, Okay.

[D]

I do want to get to the bottom of this because you feel you have a certain level of self belief about your own survival skills, but you need to.

[A]

I need you to pry him on. He has none.

[D]

So I wanted.

[C]

That's not true.

[A]

We had. We were talking. No, no, that's.

[C]

I could survive.

[A]

No, no, we were talking to Atsuko and he literally said, well, if we're gonna be stuck in a forest, we have to. We have to kill chickens. And I said. And I go, you think. I said, you think there's chickens running around? And he goes, well, I see free range chicken at the grocery store. I said, you think that free range chicken means a bunch of hunters wake up at 4am yeah. Get their. And go look for 30,000 chickens in a forest. Forest for the fucking grocery store.

[C]

I will have you know there was someone that responded.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

With a bunch of chickens in a forest.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That were.

[C]

And they have.

[A]

Locked in. That were Hawaiian in.

[B]

Yeah. In Oklahoma City.

[A]

Locked in.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. All right, so here's the deal, dude. Okay.

[A]

But you need.

[B]

I'm going to give you a scenario.

[C]

All right?

[B]

Yeah, you're on a.

[C]

Actually give us both scenario. We'll pitch who you want to.

[B]

No, no, no, no. I'm going to tell you just. Just you specifically. All right, Because I already think he knows.

[C]

You think this one's gonna rough it?

[B]

He knows more.

[C]

Okay, all right.

[B]

And I apologize. You know what I mean?

[C]

No need.

[B]

But even watching the scenario, right. It's so clear to me.

[C]

You know what's clear to you?

[B]

That he would navigate better.

[C]

Navigate what?

[B]

Better survival tactics.

[C]

Do you feel the same, Regine?

[D]

That's why I'm trying to get to the bottom of this. I want to be.

[B]

Don't lie.

[D]

Okay, okay, let's just. I'm trying to give Nick a chance to tell me what exactly if we were in a surv. We're casting.

[B]

All right. It's a zombie apocalypse.

[A]

Oh, we've done this. Let me get me started.

[D]

I don't want even zombie apocalypse. I want basic. Basic.

[A]

I was gonna ask, but real quick, I said, in a zombie apocalypse, what would you do? Well, I probably go to the airport to get out. I said, no, there's a zombie apocalypse. He goes, well, the airplanes are still working. I said, what do you not understand about zombie. He thought it meant just one zombie. It's not that I thought one zombie,

[B]

but John, I was all of a

[C]

sudden, all 9 billion people are zombies. Slowly trickle.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

No, it doesn't. Slowly. No, I haven't seen it and you know it.

[B]

Okay, you've never seen any zombie movie.

[C]

He's scared of those scary.

[B]

Oh, you're scared very easily. Okay, so here's.

[C]

You're not surprised.

[D]

Already not a great start.

[B]

Already not a good start. All right, so here's the situation.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

All right. Mateo and you, right? You guys are stranded, right? And you see a river, right?

[C]

Okay.

[B]

And sometimes you need. And you're very thirsty. What, in a forest? Okay, yeah. You're like in the Amazon.

[D]

It's a warm, humid place.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

And there's a body of water next to you.

[B]

Yeah, next. How do you clean the water?

[D]

No, not even that.

[B]

Yeah, how do you drink the water?

[D]

Where are you. What? Where are you drinking your water from?

[C]

Okay, so this I know. You have to boil the water to clean it.

[B]

You don't have. You don't have. You don't have it.

[A]

Fire in a potnik.

[C]

You can't make fire out of fucking sticks. We're in a forest.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[C]

Get some sex.

[A]

It's a rain.

[B]

You don't know how to make.

[C]

Get a fire.

[B]

You don't know how to make a fire.

[A]

Nick, it's rainforest.

[C]

I could make a fire.

[A]

Nick, Nick, it's a rainforest, so everything is wet. There's no dry sticks to be able to do this together.

[C]

There are dry areas in rainforest.

[A]

Where there's rainforest, the sun just doesn't come out.

[B]

No, because of the fucking canopy.

[A]

Everywhere they have their own weather.

[D]

The what Canopy? A canopy of just foliage.

[B]

Foliage.

[A]

Nick, they have.

[C]

There's no sun.

[A]

Nick, Nick, rainforests have their own weather systems because. Yeah.

[B]

Ecosystems.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. In fact, Nick, check this out. In the Amazon, right, there's the ground level animals, mid level animals, and then the animals that live on top. They're completely different civilizations on top. I get it. But my point is this. I'm a bottom. But my point is this, okay, this is that how do you get the water if you have no pot? You don't have fire. You don't have a pot. How do you drink? Will you drink it straight from the water source or what do you do.

[C]

You don't have fire.

[B]

You don't have fire.

[D]

Fire can't boil.

[C]

Do you know what you would do?

[A]

I would probably try and collect like either Moisture or like the rain.

[C]

I was gonna say. Don't you, like, spic it from the tree?

[A]

Are we in Canada getting maple syrup? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[C]

I've seen that on naked.

[B]

It's not cactus. Oh, yo, you've seen someone spick it?

[C]

Something or like a leaf or something? Yeah, he knows he's right.

[B]

Okay. All right. So you're getting little

[C]

so far. I'm nailing this.

[B]

You're nailing. I mean, yeah. That is good.

[D]

If it's a moving river, as opposed to it.

[A]

There's a video of her mind walk in water.

[D]

If the body of water is still, you never want to collect from there.

[B]

Right, right, right. So what do you do? I know what to do in that situation.

[D]

What?

[B]

What you do is you see the body of water, right?

[C]

The still body of water.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

No.

[A]

Cause we talked about silk and badminton high. Yeah, Nick.

[B]

Okay, it's still a body of water.

[C]

No, I want you to enlighten me on whatever you're about to say. Teach me, Bobby.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. It's your. Teach me your survival, your energy, dude. Right. Is very Friday night ihop.

[A]

Did you just say Friday night ihop?

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Did you just say dude?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

To this?

[C]

I know it's ma'. Am.

[B]

Oh, is that Ma'? Am?

[C]

All right.

[B]

Excuse me, ma'. Am. All right. So stagnant water. What you do is you build. You dig another hole next to this body of water, okay? And the water will eventually go through the soil and filter out a lot of the bad stuff. And then you drink out of that other hole.

[C]

You would.

[B]

You're supposed to.

[D]

Okay. How are you with insects?

[B]

I would. To survive.

[D]

Insect. Insect.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. How are you with insects?

[C]

Surprisingly not.

[A]

Why are you lying? Why are you lying right now?

[C]

No, why are you out?

[A]

Who is this for? Who is this for?

[C]

If I've seen a spider in an apartment or a cockroach, I kill it.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I understand that, but we're in the Amazon, guy.

[A]

Amazon, okay?

[B]

Yeah, yeah. There's an army of red ants that will eat your flesh.

[C]

Aren't you all saying this as if you all will swimmingly survive the Amazon?

[B]

Okay.

[A]

All right.

[B]

Can I say this then to you, Nick? I will. Okay. All right, you bastard.

[C]

Do it.

[A]

Ma'.

[B]

Am. Bitch. All right. Bitch.

[C]

All right.

[A]

I'm a bitch.

[B]

Her and I, right? We were in Mexico, okay? We swam a river. And in the river was a living crocodile, probably 50ft away, staring at us right from a little rock ridge.

[C]

Okay?

[B]

Right? And what we did was we stood Still. And eventually, maybe 20 minutes later, the crocodile turned away and went the other direction.

[D]

Well, for starters, it was an alligator. Not as aggressive.

[B]

Okay, whatever. What?

[D]

Crocodiles will.

[A]

Whatever.

[B]

I shit my pants.

[C]

They both could bite.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[D]

It was like a resident.

[B]

Whatever it was. I shit my pants.

[D]

It was a resident alligator and he was totally tame.

[C]

Don't they say you're supposed to run in zigzags because they. Or run straight because they can only move in zigzag or.

[A]

You are correct. Boom.

[B]

Are you being real right there? Oh, you're. I thought that was.

[C]

Read it, Bobby.

[A]

I got you, Nick.

[C]

Fucking read it. Put your glasses back on and read it. I got you, Nick.

[B]

Okay. Yeah, but they're fast. Will you stop? 30 miles defending, Nick. Dude, I gotta help with.

[C]

Thank you.

[D]

I'm actually more impressed than I thought.

[A]

Don't. All right, a little deeper. I'll tell you why.

[B]

I understand, but can I just say that. Let me defend myself real quick. Okay. All right. That's on land, right? You're not zigzagging in the water.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Oh, yeah. So we were in the water. Your question was, did you get to the land? What I'm saying to you, Nick, is, is that you question. Like. Well, it's not as if, like, you guys would be in the Amazon. Right, right, right. We, when we dated, were adventurers.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

Yeah. Tomb Raider. Ish.

[A]

But we're adventurers.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

Okay.

[D]

The Wii part is very.

[A]

I went to Tomb Raider temples in Cambodia.

[B]

That's what. That's the type of person you are.

[A]

They were.

[B]

And that's why your. Your mother would rather have him be pulled up.

[D]

Well, the true test really is who can tolerate the reason I asked about insects?

[C]

Sure.

[D]

Who can tolerate a mosquito bite the best?

[A]

Best.

[C]

I can't do that. Mosquitoes. For some reason, and I don't know why. And you know this. Mosquitoes bite me.

[D]

Okay, you're out then you probably have the skeeter blood.

[C]

I don't know why.

[D]

And you get like the big infinite all the time.

[C]

I had a mosquito bite my dick recently, Remember? It was in New York and it just turned hot. You know how sometimes the turn of the weather, a mosquito gets in your apartment or something?

[B]

I don't know.

[C]

I won't. Well, okay. Well, I'm telling you.

[B]

Okay, all right. It seems unlikely. Unlikely, but continue.

[C]

Okay. Anyways, I got in and I woke up and I had a mosquito bite on my dick on my shoulder and on my face. They just bite me. I don't know why.

[B]

So Are you just free balling it, walking around your apartment?

[C]

Well, it was really hot and I hadn't. Didn't have my AC in yet and it was like 85 degree.

[B]

In New York, they still wear underwear to protect your deck from the.

[C]

Well, I didn't think it was gonna bite my dick.

[B]

Okay. Did it hurt?

[C]

I was asleep. I didn't know. I just woke up and all of a sudden I was like, wait a minute.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

Okay. And you told him that. What did you say when that happened?

[A]

I frankly don't remember this story.

[B]

Because he just made it up. Because he just made it up.

[A]

No, I. Nick's not a liar. Of all things.

[C]

I know. I totally don't.

[A]

But Nick does have a way of seeing himself that's not real. Like, you think you can survive all these things? You think you can survive in the. The forest?

[C]

I don't think that I.

[A]

A pigeon flew by. We were walking in New York, a city full of pigeons. A pigeon flew by. Nick goes. Jesus God damn Christ.

[C]

Oh, my.

[B]

I understand that.

[A]

I understand.

[C]

I understand again. I know I'm not surviving the roller coaster. I know I'm not surviving the. Hang on. All I'm saying is I think I could survive better than you.

[A]

Ooh.

[B]

Oh. I really.

[C]

Neither of us would survive, but I would survive slightly longer.

[A]

There's going to play the audio of Nick on a child. Child's roller coaster.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And you guys can just. It was literally 8 year olds waiting in line to go on with us.

[C]

They were thrills. They were adventurers.

[B]

I love to hear it. Yeah. And I will determine. I have my own opinion. I have ears. I will determine.

[C]

Also in my defense.

[B]

Let me listen.

[C]

Wait.

[A]

Ready? This is Nick on a roller coaster.

[C]

Oh, wait, no, this isn't the right one.

[A]

No. Oh, is he the one in the.

[B]

Turn it off. Turn it off. Are you in a gulag?

[A]

Stop.

[C]

I was being choked. In my defense.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. In your defense, get simmer. Yeah, yeah.

[C]

Oh, this one.

[A]

Won't we actually have another one?

[B]

Yeah, turn that off, please. I got the audio.

[C]

I got the audio.

[D]

I can't.

[C]

I can't.

[B]

I got the audio. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I would literally buy a million dollars. I could spend a million dollars on a bat, Right. That he would be able to survive in any circumstances more than you.

[A]

Nick, you don't know how to cook. You barely know how to make a smoothie.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

You don't understand.

[C]

You being able to cook carbonara is not going to save you in the rainforest, all right?

[A]

Let me make something.

[B]

Hold on.

[C]

Where are you fucking getting guanc? Let me in the Nile River.

[A]

Good point, Nick. We're in Egypt now. Let me just say, you don't know

[C]

how to cook, okay? I don't know how to flip a fucking frittata, but I can spear a fish.

[B]

That is true.

[C]

What?

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

I can spear a fish. Hold on a second. We go for me cooking carbonarity. You can spear a fish.

[B]

I could.

[A]

You're a moron.

[B]

You're a moron.

[A]

Ignore it.

[B]

Bobby.

[C]

Don't parrot him.

[B]

You don't know because you don't know how to build a spear.

[C]

Can I just say, I could build a spear.

[A]

First survival. First survival mode, right? We're in New York City, and the city's shutting down the pandemic. Blah, blah, blah. So I call Nick and I say, nick, you know they're gonna close down Dunkin Donuts. You have to make your own breakfast.

[B]

What?

[A]

I said, yes. And I said, so let's start. What do you have for breakfast every morning? Dunkin Donuts?

[C]

Iced coffee.

[A]

I said, okay, you can make your own iced coffee. He goes, I am not Laura Ingalls Wilder.

[D]

I'm not.

[C]

It's 2020. At that time.

[B]

Okay, okay.

[A]

Ultimately, he has zero spice.

[B]

Pretty much the 1700s. Yeah. It was a 1700 that you thought

[A]

could spear a fish. Nick, we have a video of you not able to walk in waves. You can't.

[C]

The Pacific is more aggressive than the Atlantis.

[A]

The stupidest.

[C]

It's true. Google it.

[B]

Right here.

[A]

Bobby.

[B]

Wait.

[A]

Watch. Watch and watch. It gets worse and worse and worse. Hold on. It gets even worse. Bobby, I need you to watch that. Look, I think that it's fine.

[C]

I didn't want that.

[A]

Everybody else is standing up completely normally. And then watch, when the water recedes. It's even wor.

[D]

Worse.

[B]

Okay. Is that in. Slow mo.

[A]

Oh, you missed. You took it out with your. They, it pulled.

[B]

All right. Based on what I saw, you look like a Pixar character.

[C]

Thank you.

[B]

No, that's not a good thing. All right. You don't look human there in that situation.

[A]

You both look like you could be

[B]

Monsters Inc. Too.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Am I the. Yeah.

[C]

No, no, no. You're the. You're Mike Wazowski, and I'm the. Who's the villain?

[A]

The purple.

[C]

The salamander.

[B]

The salamander one, yeah.

[C]

Very good.

[A]

I think you have. No, I, I, I love you. You're great. You're a wonderful friend. You're a smart business person.

[C]

I, I'm not clip that. That is the first time I have.

[A]

I do love you.

[B]

Oh, wow. This is the first time he said, I love you.

[A]

But I'm saying you have absolutely.

[C]

Bobby's garage. The first time you're gonna tell me you love me.

[A]

Because I'm trying to. To emphasize a point here, that you have no skills. You would not survive. You would die immediately. You are malnourished. You have no idea how to cook. You have no idea how to collect things. You don't understand nature. You don't understand anything.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Not do. Well, you know what you look like?

[B]

Nick. Nick, look at me. You know those photos of Ukrainian soldiers coming back from the war?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

That's your look now.

[C]

And that's what I was going for.

[B]

Right. They're mel.

[C]

What are your skills?

[A]

It doesn't matter because it doesn't answer the question.

[B]

I. I can answer for him.

[C]

Do it.

[B]

He's way more muscular.

[C]

That's going to slow him down.

[B]

No, no.

[A]

He can lift things.

[B]

I'm sorry. He can lift things. Right.

[C]

What are you lifting?

[B]

Right.

[A]

Well, Nick thinks he's walking through a Disney force. By the way. He thinks he's.

[D]

I do think that the upside to being malnourished is that you are used to being malnourished. So therefore, not eating for long periods of time and fasting.

[B]

He would cease to exist.

[D]

Yeah, but big muscles need a lot of calories to, like, sustain.

[A]

I lived on a sixth floor walk up. And every time Nick came up. I'm not making this up. No. Ex and his Cruella de Vil coat. It was literally.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[C]

You're not wrong.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

In my defense.

[B]

Okay. There's always a defense. Okay, go ahead.

[C]

I have been healthier this year.

[B]

Oh, hey, everybody.

[C]

Thank you.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

Everybody, what have you.

[C]

I worked out for the first time in my life.

[D]

What did that look like?

[C]

I did Pilates.

[A]

We had the video.

[C]

Now have been going three to four times a week.

[A]

Oh, my God. Bathing suit. From 1912. 12 to. It's online. Of his Pilates class. And he kept saying, now people say I have birthing hips. Will this help me in the Pilates class? And the woman didn't have an answer.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[C]

But that's progress.

[B]

It is progress. And that's. You know, I quit smoking a month ago, and that's progress. Yeah, yeah. Is that you doing?

[C]

That's a bob.

[A]

There's a. No, no, no.

[C]

The Pilates. I'm in, like, a green.

[A]

There is a video of. On YouTube. There's a video.

[B]

Nick.

[C]

Trying to lick right there.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

Now, I thought that it would make me limber.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[C]

It's a very flexible outfit.

[A]

Like, oh, God, this is a lot. She was like, well, this is.

[B]

Are you in the moon? What is going on here, dude?

[A]

Outfit.

[B]

Nick, do you. We're watching Dune 4, ladies and gentlemen.

[C]

It was very comfortable.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's insane. Okay, good. Look at your leg. Legs. Wow.

[C]

But for the first time in 24 years, I was amaz.

[B]

That's amazing. And I have to say this, that you do look young, so something's working.

[C]

Thank you.

[B]

Yeah. But I think that Matteo has a point that in every single survival situation that you can ever imagine, you would be the last person called.

[A]

All of our friends right now and your mother, everyone would say the same thing. You would not survive.

[B]

You would not survive if we called

[A]

Bob, if we called Monet, if we called.

[C]

But you also all say that because you all like, just goat.

[A]

No, no, no, no.

[B]

That's not it. We know you, Nick. Nick.

[C]

Deep down, you all know Nick.

[B]

You. You are.

[C]

I am like Reba. And I'm gonna survive.

[B]

Okay.

[D]

You know, I just. Not. Because I'm playing devil's advocate. I see it.

[C]

Thank you.

[D]

I see it.

[A]

I can't fucking believe you need to experience one flight of stairs.

[D]

And you know what it is? Is that he has what you have, Bobby.

[B]

That's what I was about to say.

[D]

The Weasley nastiness of just the.

[A]

Is that what you guys were thinking?

[C]

I was thinking autism. I was thinking autism.

[B]

No, I was thinking Weasley nastiness.

[D]

Usually it's kind of like the nat. Like, it's like the cockroach syndrome.

[B]

Yeah, it's a cockroach syndrome.

[D]

You can live without your head for 20 days.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah.

[D]

And I think that really takes you far because if you watch any of these shows, right?

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

It's like the villains survive.

[B]

I know, but forget the word villain, all right?

[D]

Okay. Not that you're a villain, but I just, like, you have to intervene.

[C]

No.

[A]

Well, he is. And also, you have to remember it's not just the surviving. It's the complaining. He won't even make it with other people because they'll kill him because he's complaining so much.

[C]

You don't think they would kill you?

[A]

No, I would do great.

[B]

Matteo, listen, I've known you for a while, right? I've never had a complaint. Complaint? Yeah. In fact, when I see. I'm just being real and honest with you, okay? And whenever I See you. I go. I literally go, oh, this guy's a hard hitter. This guy's one of the best comics on planet Earth. He's a destroyer. Incredible comic. No, he's a destroyer. Right. And he's.

[C]

Is that keeping him alive in the rainforest?

[B]

Yeah, because what I'm saying is, is

[C]

that to have that Lyle Lyle Crocodile joke. What?

[B]

Listen to me.

[A]

What are your references?

[C]

Wishbone.

[A]

Like, what the hell?

[C]

References.

[B]

But what's wrong with you? What's L Croc? I never heard of it before.

[C]

Shawn Mendes voice,

[B]

Crocodile. Okay, okay.

[A]

Great reference.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

Wait, Nick, I've never even heard of this.

[C]

Team likes me at least.

[A]

Nick, I've never heard of this. Why do you know a Lyle Lyle Crocodile?

[C]

To your point, He's a hard hitter.

[A]

Jungle out there.

[C]

Your brain went here.

[B]

What a cast, though.

[D]

Javier Bardem, Constance Wu. Look at this cast.

[B]

It's a great cast.

[A]

How did your brain go there? So.

[B]

So, yeah, it's a very good cast.

[C]

Hard hitter.

[D]

Okay, now if. Okay. Should Bobby for some reason break leg or open flesh wound, would you be able to carry him out of the.

[A]

Nick, why don't you show everybody One push up. Go ahead, Mr. Survival One.

[B]

Forrest Gump. Remember in Forrest Gump, he ran back to.

[D]

Multiple times.

[B]

Multiple times. Right. Would you run back for me in a war? Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

[C]

Well, no.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Why you don't you leave the week.

[B]

No, no, no, no.

[A]

Hey, survival, survivor.

[B]

It's a survival instinct. Yeah, yeah. You leave the week. Yeah.

[A]

You're not getting the Purple Heart. The second someone gets a flesh wound, you're like, drop them.

[C]

But that's nature. It's just.

[B]

I know.

[C]

I watch a lot of nature documentaries, and in the wolf pack, they always say the weakest one trails behind and eventually it dies off. Nature. You don't stay behind.

[B]

I know, but. But, Nick, I'm right here, and you're literally right here. And I'm like, hey, dude, can you pick me up? And you would still run away.

[D]

Would you be able to pick up

[A]

to see if you can under?

[C]

No, sir.

[A]

Try.

[B]

Yeah. Can you try to pick me up

[C]

now that I would be able to pick. I can't pick. I could probably barely pick. I would never

[B]

try to pick.

[A]

Maybe go underneath. Just pick them up.

[B]

Where's the best place?

[D]

Right there.

[A]

Just like a hug right here. You can just stand up.

[B]

Well, I'm like. I'm wounded.

[C]

The best way to pick someone up.

[A]

Well, I see that. Your whole outfit.

[B]

Yeah. Just try.

[A]

That's crazy.

[B]

Put your arms around me right okay. And try to pick me up. Okay. Okay.

[C]

Okay, Wait right like that.

[B]

Just. You can go this way.

[C]

But you have.

[A]

It looks like a praying mantis trying to eat it.

[D]

No, you have to be here, Bobby. You have.

[C]

You have to make yourself.

[B]

My leg is gone from a war.

[A]

He.

[D]

He cannot be stiff or use his core. He's injured. He's going to be dead weight.

[C]

Okay, so you're putting it all on me.

[B]

Me?

[A]

Yes. That's the whole.

[B]

Yeah, Yeah. I would go. You can go under, too. My project. I'm fine. Okay.

[A]

You can do it.

[B]

You can do it.

[C]

This is how those blow jobs you got going.

[A]

All legs, all legs. Come on, come on, come on, Nick. Come on.

[C]

Hold on. I think this way.

[B]

Yeah. Okay.

[A]

I can't. Wow. I did it. Now do that for seven miles. That's the Pilates.

[C]

Yeah, that was the Pilates.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was insane. That was insane. Are you okay? Yeah, yeah.

[A]

I defend Nick a little bit.

[B]

Yeah, go ahead.

[C]

Oh, now you want to defend me?

[A]

Survival skills. But he is one of the smartest people that I know.

[B]

Okay?

[A]

I really mean that. And we need that credible business person. Like, we work together on podcasts. He is smart. He gives amazing advice as a friend. He is incredibly intelligent. He's a really good friend. He just absolutely, under no circumstances has any skills outside of his own apartment.

[B]

Oh, I see. I see, I see.

[A]

That's it.

[B]

Okay. Okay.

[A]

But you are Nick. And you're a really, really, really good friend. You're loyal, dependable.

[B]

He loves you.

[A]

You're very funny. You're a wonderful asset to my life. But if we were in a forest together, I would want you dead so I can use your bones to float myself to freedom.

[B]

Yes. Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know what?

[C]

I just don't understand what skills you think you're bringing.

[A]

The thing is that even that I just look like I would do better. I'm already 10.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Steps ahead of me.

[B]

He looks like he knows what he's doing. Okay, okay, go ahead.

[C]

Scenario. The three of us, we are stranded somewhere, okay? No one within hundreds of miles from us. And we have to survive.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

Who are you killing first?

[D]

First. Oh, good point.

[B]

Oh, that's a good point.

[A]

Very good.

[B]

That's a very good point.

[D]

If we were gonna go full, like

[B]

Lord of the well, it's us three.

[D]

Okay.

[B]

All right. May I say something?

[C]

And then I'll ask you, because I.

[B]

I don't have any. I. I astonishedly. I don't have an immediate answer for that. I'd have to Spend four days with you to see if your mind could help me in the situation.

[A]

You couldn't figure this out in 45 minutes? I know you need four more days of this.

[B]

No. You just said he was broke. Right?

[A]

He's right in the sense of us. So, like, he would do well on, like, Real Housewives. You understand what I'm saying? Right.

[B]

But in terms of, like, you know,

[A]

how do we know that weather. He didn't know that clouds are made of water. He didn't. He didn't. Clouds are under. No, he didn't know. Water. What?

[C]

No, they're not.

[A]

I said, yes, they are. There's millions of. What? Water?

[B]

Yeah, yeah. Okay. So I would have to spend a couple of days, like. Because we're going to build a fort. You know what I mean? We have.

[A]

In third grade building a fort on a Saturday. We're building a home.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. A shelter.

[C]

Gut reaction. Who are you killing first?

[B]

Gut. You.

[D]

If I'm going just on looks alone, and I know nothing else, I'd have to go for what's going to hold me over for months in terms of the amount of meat, and I'm gonna go for the thickest person in the room.

[A]

He's also seven feet taller than me.

[C]

And you still have more meat on your bones.

[B]

No, no, no. Honestly, Kalila, your argument. Because I know you're trying to defend him, right?

[C]

Her argument is solid.

[A]

No, I think it's not solid.

[C]

If I could eat him for a year.

[B]

No, I think you have a lot of leg meat, actually. He does.

[A]

You have big calf.

[B]

You have big calf. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You do. That's the best meat. That's the best meat.

[C]

I have no meat anywhere.

[A]

I do.

[B]

Day one. Day one, you wouldn't be thinking about food.

[D]

No.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I will say I do have a gigantic ass. And that would. You probably.

[D]

That's where. That's what I was going with after I saw the Mexico vlog. I was like, oh, he's got some.

[B]

You got a lot of ass meat.

[D]

Yeah. You got a lot of ass. And that is. As survivor, the first thing we look at.

[B]

It looks like a. Delicious as well.

[D]

It looks very. Yeah.

[B]

Lorries. If you go to the steakhouse. Yeah, yeah.

[D]

It could last us weeks.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Your ass would last a long time.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay, great.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. But I. I think instinctually, I can even answer for you. You would kill Nick first.

[D]

I'll tell you why I wouldn't.

[A]

You would. After two days of complaining.

[C]

Jesus.

[A]

What the Hell. Where the hell's the Four Seasons? Is that another mosquito? What the was that? Does anyone know where we're going? Jesus goddamn Christ. Aren't there helicopters out here? And where's our ufo? I don't understand why this is going on. And you, no complaining. Yeah, yeah, Nick, I.

[C]

You're just cool, calm, and collected.

[A]

More than you.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. And now if I had an option of 10 people, you two would not be the chosen one.

[A]

I understand. I agree with you.

[B]

Understand that, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, if. If it was everyone in this room, I had to pick two. You. You guys are out.

[D]

Who would you pick? Two.

[B]

Two. Alex.

[A]

Meat.

[B]

No, not to eat. You carry logs. Yeah, you just got to carry logs. You got. You got to figure out how to chop down that tree. You know, I'll figure it out, man. You're a yes man, right? And probably you.

[D]

Thank you.

[B]

Because I think you're the smartest.

[D]

I can spear a fish.

[B]

You can spear a fish. She's a very good.

[C]

We bony himself.

[B]

She's an actual deep diver.

[A]

Why don't you take us through the steps of spearing a fish?

[C]

You get a thick enough stick and you whittle the end till it's a strong. I like that.

[D]

You know that. It's whittle.

[A]

But how do you whittle, Nick?

[C]

With friction.

[A]

With your hands. No, your hands is going to make it a.

[C]

That's going to cause friction to whittle it down.

[A]

Tell us.

[C]

I don't know. Other wood. Something that's rough. That can do it.

[A]

Okay. Like a rock. You've got your heavy stick with your whittled end.

[C]

I go to the river. River. And I look for bubbles where the fish will be.

[B]

I'll get.

[C]

And I fucking find the bubbles.

[B]

Oh, you throw it.

[C]

Well, yeah, you can't see in a river.

[B]

Yeah, you could.

[D]

Yeah, you can.

[B]

Yeah, you can. And also, you can also be in the river. You can go knee deep into the river with the spear and you could go knee deep.

[C]

I'm not going knee deep in the river.

[B]

Why. Why would.

[A]

Well, knee deep for both of you is a very different.

[C]

I just want to point that out.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[D]

Really? I just want to say, Nick, I really tried for you and I appreciate it.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah, I appreciate it.

[B]

And, Nick, I would have you on this podcast solo.

[C]

Thank you.

[B]

I think you're very interesting and I. We could just make fun of each other.

[C]

I would love for you to replace my podcast.

[B]

No, I don't think so. I don't think so. But and if you guys ever have. If I'm in New York, because I'm doing.

[A]

We would love to have you guys on if you're in New York.

[B]

I'm doing a special for Hulu that I'm. That's lucky. And it's coming out, you know, in about five or six months.

[A]

Nice.

[B]

And you haven't filmed it yet. Yeah.

[C]

Oh, okay.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. And I'm gonna.

[C]

Well, I assumed.

[B]

Yeah, Yeah, I did.

[D]

I do think that someone from Survivor should cast you.

[A]

Oh, he'll be. Well, we want to do Amazing Race because we would lose.

[D]

Oh, my God.

[C]

We do really want to do Amazing Race.

[B]

We do.

[A]

Just to lose.

[C]

Imagine us trying to navigate some country. Can't even drive.

[D]

Production would plot so that you stay there till the. The very end.

[B]

Yeah. As a producer, I would go, yeah, cut it.

[A]

You know, make them screaming at each other.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, great. Teach.

[A]

I would be good on Amazing Race.

[B]

Naked and afraid. Naked and afraid.

[A]

How many will you be good entertainment?

[C]

How many days could I last?

[B]

Naked and naked and afraid. How about you, Mato?

[A]

I don't even know what the concept is.

[B]

You're. Okay, so you're with a partner. You're completely naked. Right. You only have a pot and the other person has a machete.

[C]

No. You're allowed to choose.

[B]

You just choose your item and then you go out into the middle of 21 days for 21 days, and you have to hunt for your own food. You have to make your own shelter.

[A]

You could never.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. So how many days you could you last?

[A]

No, I'm not saying I could either.

[C]

Both last. Zero.

[A]

Be nice pictures.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

Good photo op post.

[B]

Yeah. I think I could last two days. Yeah, I think two days.

[D]

Two days.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah.

[D]

If it was even a little bit cold, I'd be out in the first day.

[A]

Well, I love all the white women who go on Survivor. It's like now fifth, like 70 seasons, and they just still can't grasp what the show is. And the first rainstorm, they sit there. I just didn't think it was going to.

[B]

Yeah. But in this show.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Most of the. I think most of the ones that survive are women. I see a lot of dudes quitting.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

And the women. I'm staying 21 days.

[C]

Well, because the men always do something stupid.

[D]

They do too much in the first day.

[C]

One day one, they burn out.

[B]

They burn out.

[D]

The girls, they chill out.

[A]

Women are generally.

[B]

They'll eat a seed. I'm fine. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's you. That's right. I think you'd be my partner, Nick.

[A]

Naked Nick. They're about to spear right now.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. Here we.

[A]

They're about to spear.

[B]

They're about to spear. You have to do this. Yeah.

[C]

Looking at a mirror.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. This is. No way. You.

[D]

Nick, you know who I'd love to see you with is my partner. He's a hunter and a spear fisherman and a butcher.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

God, I'd love to.

[A]

I actually would love it too, if we can set that up, because it would be endless.

[B]

Anyway, check out our podcast.

[A]

Check out our podcast. It's a lot of just this.

[B]

And I love this. I could do this every week with you.

[A]

You guys so much. I'm so happy that we got to do this.

[B]

I laughed so hard with you guys.

[D]

This was honestly so funny.

[B]

So fun. So give them a round of applause, everybody.

[A]

Thanks, guys. Thanks. So.

[B]

Book a loved by guest property with

[A]

VRBO and you get a top rated

[C]

vacation rental that's loved for all the right reasons.

[D]

Uh, I love my VRBO for the location.

[A]

Good reason.

[D]

Oh, and for the pool. Pool.

[A]

Because pools are cool. I feel the love book of verbo that's loved by guests. If you know you verbo.