Podcast Summary: "Acontece que no es poco | Felipe II, el coleccionista de huesos"

Podcast: Todo Concostrina (SER Podcast)
Host: Nieves Concostrina
Date: May 31, 2023
Episode Theme:
This episode, delivered in Nieves Concostrina’s characteristic irreverent and sharp-witted style, dissects the bizarre obsession of Felipe II, King of Spain, with collecting relics—namely, the bones and purported remains of saints. Concostrina demystifies the grandeur usually associated with relic collections, exposing the fanaticism, fraud, and oddities behind the largest aggregation of "holy" bones in Christian history.

Main Theme and Purpose

• Exposing the “Frikismo” of Felipe II:
  The episode skips the whitewashed, solemn presentation of Felipe II as "the Prudent King" to instead highlight his obsession with collecting literally thousands of relics, challenging the narrative that masks religious mania as piety or prudence.
• Demonstrating the Extent and Absurdity of Reliquary Culture:
  Concostrina explores the escapades, logistics, and underlying fraud driving this centuries-spanning relic-collecting mania, which reached its zenith at El Escorial monastery.

Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. The Nature of Collecting: From Hobby to Obsession

• The episode opens by reflecting on the human penchant to collect, comparing innocent hobbies to unhealthy obsessions.
• Quote [01:40 - Nieves]:
  “Cualquier persona con dos dedos de frente se escandalizaría... Teníamos pendiente hablar de Felipe II, el friki.”

2. Felipe II: El Friki, No El Prudente

• Nieves directly refutes the sanitized image presented in history books.
• Quote [01:56 - Nieves]:
  “…no le voy a llamar el prudente... porque no fue un prudente, fue un imprudente, nos llevó a la bancarrota y era un friki, por mucho que le pusieran prudente.”

3. Reliquias: What Were They Really?

• The hosts cut through euphemisms, calling relics what they are—bits and pieces of corpses, often dubiously attributed.
• Quote [02:12 - Nieves]:
  “No le quiero llamar reliquias... que son trozos de muertos directamente.”

4. Magnitudes: How Many Bones?

• Felipe II’s collection at El Escorial totaled:
  • ~6,000 bones
  • 15 more or less whole mummified corpses
  • Hundreds of bits of tunics, supposed hairs, thorns, feathers
  • Total: About 10,000 relics
• All meticulously documented thanks to contemporaneous records.
• Quote [04:19 - Carlas & Nieves]:
  “Unos seis mil huesos sueltos, más quince cadáveres amojamados... unas 10.000 reliquias que llaman unos, guarrerías fraudulentas que llamo yo.”

5. A Fraught and Fraudulent Market

• The Middle Ages’ reliquary culture was a hotbed of counterfeiting and profiteering, with even certificates of authenticity forged.
• Quote [05:14 - Nieves]:
  “Como cualquier persona normal adivina... es tan absurdo, todo es tan ridículo que cuando te piden respeto para estas estupideces, pues sólo te queda mandarlos a pastar.”

6. How and Why Felipe II Collected

• Not about commerce, but rather religious mania and “irrationality.”
• He would collect Protestant-discarded relics and even pilfer from Spanish churches.
• Quote [06:15 - Nieves]:
  “No, yo creo que era su obsesión, su fanatismo religioso, su imprudencia... Porque esto es de alguien que no está bien.”
• Even bishops warned the king of the likely forgeries, to little avail.
• Quote [07:12 - Carlas]:
  "Hasta los obispos le advertían de que casi todas las reliquias eran falsas… Pues ni caso."

7. The Systematic Acquisition of Relics

• Felipe orders the first major census of Spanish towns, including inventories of relics.
• Villages were forced to hand over valued relics for his collection, often surreptitiously, as per royal orders.
• Quote [10:56 - Carlas]:
  “…se ordenaba a tal o cual obispo que enviara las reliquias, y abro comillas, con el mínimo ruido y el mayor disimulo.”
• This resulted in towns losing prized relics that brought pilgrims and income.

8. What Was Collected?—A Catalog of the Absurd

• The first group included the arm of San Lorenzo, bones from his parents, and various body parts from Justo y Pastor and "Saint Gedeón" (a biblical fiction).
• The inventory contained:
  • 15 whole bodies
  • 144 skulls
  • 600 arms
  • 700 legs (lower part)
  • Over 4,000 miscellaneous fragments
• “Highlights” included the “pellejo asado y tostado de San Lorenzo” and bizarre objects like a feather from the Archangel Gabriel and the supposed beard hair of St. Joseph.

9. Imported Relics and Papal Dispensation

• Four giant crates of bones came from Protestant cities (Cologne, Frankfurt, Venice).
• Felipe II sought and obtained papal permission to import relics en masse, supposedly to save them from being defiled or destroyed by “heretics.”

10. How Long Did This Go On?

• The compulsive collecting continued for 13 years after Felipe II’s death; the last delivery was made in 1611.

11. The Final Batch and the Height of the Ridiculous

• The last batch included “authentic” thorns from Christ’s crown, a piece of the rope used to bind him, marble fragments from the column where he was whipped, and improbable items such as a single hair of Christ’s beard.
• Quote [14:22 - Nieves]:
  "Y aquí me quedo, porque esto es absurdo."

12. The Catholic Dilemma: Metaphor or Scam?

• Even today, defenders retreat behind “metaphor” or symbolic explanations, acknowledging the untenability of the claims while maintaining the tradition.
• Quote [14:40 - Nieves]:
  “Ya, sí, sí, claro, por supuesto que sí se lo dicen porque la estafa ya no se sostiene.”

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• [01:56, Nieves]:
  “No fue un prudente, fue un imprudente, nos llevó a la bancarrota y era un friki, por mucho que le pusieran prudente.”

• [04:42, Nieves]:
  “...unas 10.000 reliquias que llaman unos guarrerías fraudulentas, que llamo yo.”

• [05:14, Nieves]:
  “Es tan absurdo, todo es tan ridículo que cuando te piden respeto para estas estupideces, pues sólo te queda mandarlos a pastar.”

• [06:15, Nieves]:
  “...era su obsesión, su fanatismo religioso, su imprudencia, su irreflexión. Porque esto es de alguien que no está bien.”

• [10:56, Carlas]:
  “Existían las cartas donde, firmadas por el rey, se ordenaba a tal o cual obispo que enviara las reliquias, y abro comillas, con el mínimo ruido y el mayor disimulo.”

• [14:22, Nieves]:
  “Y aquí me quedo, porque esto es absurdo.”

Timestamps of Important Segments

• Collecting & Introduction: [00:53 - 04:00]
  The hosts introduce Felipe II's relic-obsession and set the stage for the details.

• Quantity and Documentation: [04:00 - 05:10]
  Discussion of numbers, types, and how everything was meticulously recorded.

• Fraud & Value of Relics: [05:10 - 07:12]
  Analysis of the relics market, extent of fraud, and among-the-clergy skepticism.

• Systematic Seizure and Inventories: [09:00 - 12:00]
  How the king co-opted national surveys to identify and confiscate relics from local churches.

• Foreign Relics & Logistics: [12:00 - 13:37]
  On the enormous shipments from Europe and the creative “documentation” of imported remains.

• The Final Haul & Reflection: [13:43 - 14:45]
  Details of the last absurd additions and Nieves’s contemporary critique of the ongoing defense of these traditions.

Tone & Style

Nieves Concostrina’s narration is irreverent, colloquial, and unapologetically skeptical—a mix of humor, incredulity, and biting social commentary. Through comic exaggeration and pointed mockery, she undercuts the solemnity historically surrounding both royal figures and religious relics, making the episode both informative and highly entertaining.

Conclusion

This episode reveals Felipe II not as a revered sovereign, but as an obsessed, credulous collector ensnared by the profitable, fraudulent, and often grotesque world of medieval religious relics. Far from being an isolated eccentricity, the king’s behavior mirrors a broader societal irrationality, exploited by both religious and secular authorities for profit and power. The Real Monasterio de El Escorial, still home to thousands of questionable relics, stands as enduring testament to this peculiar episode of collective delusion.

For listeners new to this podcast or this story: Nieves Concostrina’s approach makes complex (and often solemn) historical subjects accessible—and a lot more fun—without sacrificing rigor or evidence. You’ll finish the episode both entertained and a little more skeptical about the relics behind the glass.