My Botox Hookup - Heather Alfano

Summary

Tosh Show – "My Botox Hookup: Heather Alfano"

Host: Daniel Tosh
Guest: Heather Alfano
Release Date: April 21, 2026

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Episode Overview

In this episode, comedian Daniel Tosh welcomes longtime friend and neighbor Heather Alfano—an ICU nurse turned budding Botox specialist. The conversation explores their decades-long friendship, Heather's journey from critical care nursing to joining her sister’s Malibu med-spa, the psychological toll and odd moments of ICU work, and a host of irreverent detours that only Daniel Tosh could invent. Expect an insightful dive into the hidden world of healthcare workers, family life in Malibu, beauty industry shenanigans, and the enduring wackiness of close friendships.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

Life After Tour, Family Dynamics, and Spring Break Nightmares

• [01:17–03:53] Tosh and Heather discuss readjusting to family life after tour, the chaos of preschool spring breaks, and the realities of parenting.
  • Tosh: "Nothing makes your heart grow...what is it?"
    Heather (helpful): "Absence makes the heart grow fonder."
    Tosh: "Truer words have never been penned." (02:27)
  • On parenting upon return:
    Tosh (joking): "Now...I have to do every activity. Like, 'Who's gonna take you to go potty?' 'I want Daddy.'"

Parenting Hacks & Privilege

• [04:03–06:20] Tosh compares nannies to "mommy’s helpers," kids looking up to him, and the privilege of help at home.
• A tangent about home security cameras reflects Daniel’s paranoia and comic anxiety about "adulting."

The Tosh–Heather Origin Story

• [07:46–13:44]
  • Recounting their first meeting at the Comedy & Magic Club (“I just wrote, 'I'd like a lobster.' And they brought me a lobster!”) with lots of playful ribbing.
  • Heather: “You wore jeans to my wedding. That’s great... They were bright electric blue jeans.” (13:36)

ICU Nursing: The Grit, the Gross, and the Grinding Emotional Toll

• [18:24–28:14]
  • Heather describes 18 years in ICU nursing.
    Heather: “I felt like I could actually dig in [during] that 12 hours and sort of move the needle... make an impact.” (19:24)
  • Memorable/weird ICU moments: necrotizing fasciitis from dirty nail clippers, being spit on, caring for handcuffed patients.
    • Heather: “You can’t find [ICU smells] anywhere else... some sea div poop. There’s nothing like it.” (19:53)
    • Tosh: “It’s basically working at a zoo, right?” (25:26)
  • Heather has never become completely desensitized: “I just have a healthy relationship with the idea of death now.” (26:53)

Hospital Morality, Death, and Right-to-Die Ethics

• [28:14–30:29]
  • They discuss end-of-life scenarios, cultural taboos, and the logic of right-to-die policies in comedic hypotheticals.
    • Tosh: “At 80... you go take a physical and written test, and if you don't pass it, you don't come home.” (29:05)

Family, Parenting, Marriages—Messy & Otherwise

• [31:00–37:03]
  • Heather reveals two of her three kids were planned; Tosh jokes about parenting stress.
  • The story of Heather’s parents reuniting 15 years after separating:
    • Heather: “They were expecting me to celebrate... I said, ‘Well, I hope you’re gonna go to counseling.’” (35:40)
  • Heather’s sister: from Vegas showgirl to ER nurse/PA to Botox mogul.

Botox and Beyond: Medical Aesthetics 101

• [39:30–44:48]
  • Heather’s transition from ICU to working at her sister’s top-tier med-spa in Malibu.
    • Tosh: “So you can be the breadwinner of your family.”
      Heather: “All’s well that ends well, right?” (41:17)
  • Botox vs. filler explained in practical terms:
    • Heather: “Botox is a neurotoxin... Filler is... volume [for] your face.”
  • Costs are always vague—Tosh’s hypothetical session would be “in between” $300 and $3,000.

Med-Spa Oddities & Scientific Mythbusting

• [48:28–51:13]
  • Most clients are women, but men's appointments are increasing.
  • No, she refuses to do “butthole Botox” or below-the-waist injections.
    • Heather: “I drew a line... I will not be doing any Botox in any buttholes.” (48:44)
  • Popular treatments: Botox, microneedling, lasers, “secretome” hair rejuvenation.
    • Tosh: “Do those dumb red light masks actually do anything?”
      Heather: “If you have the time... it can’t hurt. But I don’t know about it really moving the needle a lot.” (51:01)

Friendship, Hospitality, and Signature Tosh Comedy

• [52:04–55:11]
  • Gift exchanges: Tosh gives Heather a (dirty) teak table and hotel lotion.
    • Heather: “There’s spider webs on this cap.” (52:23)
  • Heather returns the favor with high-end sunscreen recommended for Tosh’s "sun damage."
• Tosh’s “bread pudding rule” for restaurants and other random life guidance.
  • Tosh: “If bread pudding’s on the menu, you order it.” (54:54)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On ICU burnout:
  Heather: “At one moment when I felt that way, I went and got my yoga certification... Then... I got certified to be a doula. I think I just have a healthy relationship with the idea of death now.” (26:50)

• On cosmetic procedures:
  Heather: “My sister was always like, come on, please let me inject you. You look so pissed off.” (43:40)

• On comfort zones:
  Tosh: "How are you going to go from dealing with such serious, you know, real problems to Malibu people going, 'I just think if I had just this…'?" (42:29)

• Family shenanigans:
  Tosh, about pantsing his girlfriend in front of Heather’s father-in-law:
  “She couldn't do anything. She had to leave her pants down.” (33:26)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• 01:17–03:53 – Returning from tour, parenting chaos, spring break frustrations
• 07:46–13:44 – How Daniel and Heather met, early friendships, embarrassing stories
• 18:24–28:14 – ICU work: trauma, death, and worst hospital stories
• 28:14–30:29 – Death ethics and right-to-die comedic riff
• 31:00–37:03 – Family, parenting, relationships, and strange reunions
• 39:30–44:48 – Transition to beauty industry, med-spa life, Botox vs. fillers
• 48:28–51:13 – Male aesthetics clients, weird trends (scrotal Botox?), techy beauty products
• 52:04–55:11 – Gift exchanges, sunscreen, bread pudding rule

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Final Thoughts

Fans of the show will enjoy the blend of genuine reminiscence, laughs, and backstage peeks into both emergency medicine and the med-spa industry. Heather’s stories highlight the unseen heroics of ICU nurses while Tosh’s signature irreverence keeps things light, weird, and unpredictable.

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Quote of the Episode:
Tosh: “If bread pudding’s on the menu, you order it.” (54:54)

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(Note: Advertisements and non-content sections have been omitted.)

Transcript

[Heather]

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[Daniel Tosh]

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[Heather]

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[Heather]

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[Daniel Tosh]

Let's just make it 80. Fine. Every year you go take a physical and written test, and if you don't pass it, you don't come home. Tosh Show. Posh Show. Tosh Show. From show. Welcome to another episode of Tosh Show. I'm Daniel Tosh. Eddie Gosland's here. We just got back from tour. Was your family excited to see you?

[Heather]

They were. Nobody got up when I got home initially, but what about you?

[Daniel Tosh]

Everyone was excited. You know, my kids are at an age where it's like, anytime I go to the bathroom, they both, like, just cry. And I'm like, no, no, I'm gonna come back.

[Heather]

It's funny.

[Daniel Tosh]

That's the longest I've ever been away from my wife or my children in their life. And in my relationship with my wife, like, I. Since we were. Yeah, since we started dating. This.

[Heather]

It's a big break.

[Daniel Tosh]

That was. I mean, it was nice. It really did. It recharged. Nothing makes your heart grow stronger or fonder. How's it go?

[Heather]

Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

[Daniel Tosh]

Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Well, I mean, truer words have never been penned. My kids were Just. Just so excited. And it's got its downfalls now because I have to do every activity. Like, who's gonna take you to go potty? I want Daddy. Who do you want to put you down for a nap or to bed? They're both fighting over me, and now so I've got to do all. I got to do all the things. And she acts like, oh, good, give me a break. But I know that it also hurts her heart a little bit to see how much. How adored you are. Yeah. They understand that I went out basically to fill the meat locker.

[Heather]

Yeah. I mean, now you're back.

[Daniel Tosh]

You guys have all settled back into routine. Okay, so I'm on tour, and as soon as I get home, you think, oh, you're just gonna slip back into your old routine. Well, the problem is right now, my kids are on spring break. Oh. So it's just a nightmare.

[Heather]

Yeah.

[Daniel Tosh]

So it's just every day, it's like, what's the activity? Whose house? Are we going for a play date? Who's coming over for play date? Just unbelievable. And by the way, spring break isn't one week. No, it's two weeks.

[Heather]

Yeah. That's wild.

[Daniel Tosh]

Yeah. For the preschool, it's two and a half. Yet you pay monthly for the school as if it's always in session.

[Heather]

Like a big tip.

[Daniel Tosh]

Nice. Nonsense. I don't fight the system. I just. I'm just thankful that I'm fortunate enough that I can live in it.

[Heather]

Mm.

[Daniel Tosh]

You guys have mommy's helpers.

[Heather]

We do not.

[Daniel Tosh]

Mommy's helpers. It's not a nanny. It's not a babysitter. It's basically like a tween. You get like, a tween kid that's responsible. They come over and they play with your kid, and that way, you know, you don't have. You can get some work done. But if somebody, you know, breaks an arm, you're still there to be like, all right, let's load up in the car. And I got the perfect mommy's helper. She started her own little business, my AV guy's daughter. She's like, this is what I do. And she's great at it, and we trust her. So actually need to talk to her dad. Speak of the devil. That's who's calling? Well, not her, but. Hey, quick question. Up in Tahoe, should I use the exact same security cameras that I use here in Malibu so that I can just have it all linked to the same system?

[Heather]

Yes, but it's not the cameras.

[Daniel Tosh]

It's the nvr which cameras should I buy then?

[Heather]

Touring Turing cameras. T U R I N G and if they don't sell them, I can get them. They're not expensive. They're like a couple hundred bucks. Like two, three hundred bucks. But they have. They have some AI stuff built into them. Because you were talking about. You wanted to talk about your cameras here. Maybe doing a couple changes.

[Daniel Tosh]

No, no. I don't want change anything. I'm fine. I never want to. You just. You. That. That's just. That's just work. That was work, John. Just trying to tell me that I was talking about something to change. No. And then I can sync them up to our. My system.

[Heather]

Well, no. No. So hold on. You need. You need the same NVR if you want to be able to see it on the same system.

[Daniel Tosh]

Okay.

[Heather]

And that way on the same app you would just go Tahoe. Now otherwise if you have two apps, it's stupid.

[Daniel Tosh]

No, I know. Exactly. That's why I wanted to make sure I bought the same thing. All right. But I can have them buy touring cam cameras. And you're going to tell me what?

[Heather]

Don't worry about that. We're just going to do regular cameras because the touring cameras you need the touring nvr. But you don't have turing NVR at the house. And I'm not going to make you buy two nvrs.

[Daniel Tosh]

Okay. What camera should I buy?

[Heather]

Just make sure they're 4k with night vision cameras is all you need. I'll text you all this.

[Daniel Tosh]

All right. Thank you. Hey, your wife is on the show today. Are you nervous about it? Man? Me?

[Heather]

It's impossible to embarrass me. I'm nervous about nothing. But I'm excited for her. She's probably all nervous. She's gonna tell me she's gonna sweat when she listens to it the first time.

[Daniel Tosh]

All right. All right. All right, Good. Send me that text.

[Heather]

All right. We'll do.

[Daniel Tosh]

Thank you. All right. Boy, I love that touring. You want touring cameras that they're the best AI. They got this cool function.

[Heather]

You don't need that.

[Daniel Tosh]

Just get anything on your 4k. Whatever. Overrated pieces of garbage this is. This is my life. Is that I'm always just like, hey, didn't you say you wanted to change out all your camera? I didn't say that. He can get me to waste some real money.

[Heather]

Ah, yeah. Quickly. Huh?

[Daniel Tosh]

Those are cheap. Those are just two or three hundred a piece. Get a couple dozen of those. Well, listen, I'm happy he's in my life. I'm more excited to talk to his better half. Enjoy Paw show. My guest today is someone who God does not want living next door to me. I know, because when she did, the good Lord torched both of our homes with an apocalyptic wildfire. She has saved more lives in the hospital than she has lost. I think she's a very good friend of mine. Please welcome ICU nurse turned Botox queen, Heather.

[Heather]

Hi.

[Daniel Tosh]

Did you ever think you'd be sitting in this chair?

[Heather]

No. I mean, when you took my husband down on here, I didn't think it would be my turn.

[Daniel Tosh]

Took him down? Total takedown.

[Heather]

Total takedown.

[Daniel Tosh]

How dare you? Her husband. She married the whatchamacallit. The chess player.

[Heather]

Oh, yeah.

[Daniel Tosh]

No, no, not the chess. My AV guy. John, how big is your TV at home?

[Heather]

Ooh, I better get this right. I think it's 85 inches.

[Daniel Tosh]

I don't care.

[Heather]

But we only have one TV.

[Daniel Tosh]

I don't give a shit either. These aren't my questions. Let's go. Do you believe in ghosts?

[Heather]

No.

[Daniel Tosh]

How about miracles?

[Heather]

I mean, I believe in the feeling of a miracle, but I don't know.

[Daniel Tosh]

You've never witnessed a miracle?

[Heather]

I mean, I had three babies.

[Daniel Tosh]

Those aren't miracles. Certainly one of them's not. One of them is a straight up catastrophe.

[Heather]

Which one?

[Daniel Tosh]

Not gonna do that to your family. You're from LA and became a nurse. That's how I knew guys. That's how I knew that we would get along the moment I met her. Because she's a normal. When you're in comedy, you end up just hanging out with just comics. And if you do that too much, then you become one of those people, those comics that have a podcast and talk to comics all day. I met you, let's say, 25 years ago. Ish.

[Heather]

I think that's about right.

[Daniel Tosh]

Holy cow.

[Heather]

Yeah. I've known you half my life.

[Daniel Tosh]

The better half, I'd say. I mean, physically, I probably would have preferred the first 25, but that's not important. Here's how we met. I was working at the Kame Magic Club in Hermosa Beach, California. Hermosa Beach. What a. What a fun place.

[Heather]

It was fun.

[Daniel Tosh]

South Bay, it's just like a whole community. It's like Orange County Light. And you lived. You were born and raised in that neck of the woods.

[Heather]

Yeah, ish. South Bay adjacent.

[Daniel Tosh]

Uh huh. So you came up to me after a show like most girls did back in the day, and said, hey, what's your deal?

[Heather]

I was not hitting on you.

[Daniel Tosh]

I Know you weren't, but, you know, I was hoping that you were, but you weren't. So it was one of my first sets there, and I. I'd get, like, 50 bucks. I'd perform for 10 minutes. And you came and said hi to me after a show, and you and a group of friends. And then we just started hanging out. It was like, this is my local group of friends. Yeah. It never was as fun as I wanted it to be. Like, you guys would be, you know, like, oh, like, it's a Saturday. We're gonna meet at whatchamacall to play volleyball.

[Heather]

Right. Or some random bar. I don't know. Yeah.

[Daniel Tosh]

You had a core friend group. You had May the Asian. Okay. Solmas, the girl that would eat whole onions for no reason.

[Heather]

What?

[Daniel Tosh]

Then you hung out that. There's one like, little. Your boyfriend at the time was John.

[Heather]

Yes.

[Daniel Tosh]

But then you also hung out this other dude that just used to love to, like, show everybody that he had a black credit card. What was his name?

[Heather]

I think you're talking about my friend John.

[Daniel Tosh]

Was that your other friend?

[Heather]

Yeah.

[Daniel Tosh]

Do you still hang out with that guy?

[Heather]

Yeah, we vacation with his family.

[Daniel Tosh]

I bet you do. I bet he pays for everything. Is he still paying for stuff?

[Heather]

He always hosts a great time. Yeah.

[Daniel Tosh]

That's so funny. I just remember this guy, like, always, like, yeah, yeah, I'll pay the bill. I was like. I was 25, so I was like, oh, great. Look at this rich kid.

[Heather]

But you're leaving out when? So I had to meet you after the show because I think that was some of your best material, if we're being honest. I loved old Daniel, but I don't

[Daniel Tosh]

like any of this.

[Heather]

Cut that out, John. After the show, I was like, john, we have to meet this guy. Like, I was dying laughing. And then you had, like, the first generation ipod in your pocket.

[Daniel Tosh]

Okay.

[Heather]

And I asked you if you were a diabetic, because I thought it was an insulin pump. And you were like, no, you idiot.

[Daniel Tosh]

Just rocking out to some music I had never seen.

[Heather]

Like, that was before. We all had iPhones or ipods, man.

[Daniel Tosh]

I had a. I had a first generation ipod.

[Heather]

And your cargo pants, you were wearing, like, green cargo pants. You had this.

[Daniel Tosh]

You really remember this day because you've

[Heather]

become so cool now. You become so cool.

[Daniel Tosh]

That's so funny. I mean, we hung out a lot back then. Just, like, I didn't have anything to do all day long.

[Heather]

Yeah. You and John would play basketball, poker nights.

[Daniel Tosh]

Oh, the poker nights were great.

[Heather]

Yeah.

[Daniel Tosh]

A lot of Times I would just come over to your houses. Like, I'd fly in or after shows, just 12 at night, just start banging on doors, waking people up. What's going on? Where are we hanging.

[Heather]

Throwing a bag of dog poop in my face.

[Daniel Tosh]

Yeah, listen, we all have done some things. I don't recall throwing dog poop in your face.

[Heather]

It was in a baggie.

[Daniel Tosh]

Okay. It was in a bag, Right? That's fine if it's in a bag. If it's sealed tightly in a bag, you're not. It's not a thrown feces. What did I have to eat at your wedding?

[Heather]

Oh, lobster. But just you.

[Daniel Tosh]

Yeah.

[Heather]

You said you would only come if you got to eat lobster.

[Daniel Tosh]

No, you send a thing out where you pick, like chicken or fish.

[Heather]

No, I think it was.

[Daniel Tosh]

I don't even know, pasta or something else. Steak. I just wrote, I'd like. I'd like a lobster.

[Heather]

And he got a lobster.

[Daniel Tosh]

And then they thought it was funny. They brought me a lobster.

[Heather]

It was funny. It was because I told my photographer, I was like, you better capture his face when this lobster gets delivered.

[Daniel Tosh]

I mean, it was embarrassing. But then when I was eating it.

[Heather]

You were happy.

[Daniel Tosh]

I was very happy.

[Heather]

Well, it's always a joy to you.

[Daniel Tosh]

Got married at Shutters.

[Heather]

No, Casa del Mar next door.

[Daniel Tosh]

Oh, next door.

[Heather]

Yeah.

[Daniel Tosh]

Yeah, I remember that.

[Heather]

Yes. You did wear jeans.

[Daniel Tosh]

I know.

[Heather]

Just saying you wore jeans to my wedding. That's great.

[Daniel Tosh]

They were. I didn't know. I didn't know I was eating lobster.

[Heather]

They were a little bright. They were like bright blue.

[Daniel Tosh]

Bright electric blue jeans.

[Heather]

Not even like black jeans. Like blue jeans.

[Daniel Tosh]

Picture this, huh? I don't know if it's true. I think this is like revisionist history on the. Well, I mean, you remember the pants I wore the day I met you? And that was 25 years.

[Heather]

Well, you had interesting fashion choices before you had helped.

[Daniel Tosh]

Delightful. Maybe I didn't own nice pants. Did you think about that?

[Heather]

Yeah. I didn't realize how early on in your career I met you. Yeah, I thought you were already.

[Daniel Tosh]

You thought I was established like a list? Yeah, I was a list. Big old a list comedian doing five minute guest spots. We'll be right back. This time of year always makes me rethink what's in my closet. I'm trying to stick to pieces that are well made and easy to wear all the time. That's why I keep coming back to Quince. The fabrics feel elevated, the fits are thoughtful, and the pricing actually makes sense. Quince makes high quality everyday essentials using premium materials like 100% European linen and their insanely soft flow knit activewear fabric. The best part is that their prices are 50 to 60% less than similar brands. How Quints works directly with ethical factories and cuts out the middleman so you're paying for quality, not brand markup. Everything is designed to last and make getting dressed easy. You guys know everyone here except Eddie has been rocking Quint's gear for months now. And not just clothing. They sell all sorts of stuff. Pete has a quince pillow. Refresh your wardrobe with quince. Go to quince.comtosh for free shipping and 365 day returns. Now available in Canada too. Go to quincy.comtosh for free shipping AND 365 day returns. Quince.comtosh Shoot your shot on Prize Picks and get $50 instantly in lineups when you play your first $5. That's right, Prize Picks is now giving you $50 in lineups when you sign up and play your first $5. I recorded this before I found out whether or not the Miami Heat played their way into the actual NBA playoffs. Let's focus on the Lakers for now and encourage you to pick less on everything. Just less. Less wins less points. It pains me to say this, but they are injury ravaged and don't stand a chance. Pick less for everyone on the Lakers. Points less, Assist less, Rebounds less, Age more. That's not going to be pretty. Download the Prize Picks app today and use Code tosh to get $50 in lineups after you play your first five dollar lineup. That's code tosh to get $50 in lineups AFTER you play your first five dollar lineup. Prize picks it's good to be right. You guys know I practically live on a farm. Dogs, chickens, pigs, panda. Ugh. It's a lot. I love them deeply. Not all of them, but you know what I mean. The problem is they bring bugs. They've been known to attract ants, flies and spiders. I won't stand for that. And now I can fight the bugs myself with Pesty's do it Yourself Pest Control. Now this is genius. Pesti is effective, easy and affordable. Those are the three E's. Other pest control companies charge hundreds of thousands of dollars. Millions. Some charge millions. With Pesti you get started at just $35 per treatment with a customized plan based on your season, location and weather. Oh, that's interesting. They send you a kit with everything you need. Pro grade pesticide, sprayer, mixing bag, gloves and instructions you can complete in less than 10 minutes. This is perfect. Bugs. Hate to see you coming with pesty. Go to pesi.comtosh for an extra 10 off your order. That's a P-E-S-T-I-E.comtosh for an extra ten percent off. Your husband was on the show. What, in your opinion, was the most embarrassing thing he said? Was it that he was fully juvenated or he doesn't understand the phrase glass ceiling or that he was protecting the neighborhood with a gun?

[Heather]

Most embarrassing, for sure. Juvenated. And it's, like, haunted me.

[Daniel Tosh]

Yeah.

[Heather]

But if you know John, you know that that's part of his personality.

[Daniel Tosh]

Yeah. Oh, sure.

[Heather]

He likes makeup words.

[Daniel Tosh]

Don't bother him with details. My mom was a nurse for 60 years, but I don't know if my mom ever worked in the icu. She worked, but I don't think she worked in the ICU ever. You worked in the ICU your entire career?

[Heather]

Yeah.

[Daniel Tosh]

How many years?

[Heather]

18.

[Daniel Tosh]

18 years. And used to share with me the most horrific things because I liked hearing about it.

[Heather]

I know.

[Daniel Tosh]

Your husband wouldn't.

[Heather]

No. Even in the beginning, like, when I needed to decompress and tell him, he'd be like, please, can you stop?

[Daniel Tosh]

Right?

[Heather]

And then you'd ask me, like, what's the grossest thing you saw this week?

[Daniel Tosh]

I just. I just was always fascinated because forget the grossest thing that she saw every week, you know? Cause you just. You see. You see people at their most vulnerable, and that's always kind of emotionally. I don't know how you go through it. It's just a weird thing to be drawn to. Most people don't stay in the ICU as long as you did. You just said, no. It's just where I want to be. I want to be where all the horrible coin flip action is.

[Heather]

I initially was drawn to it because you can really focus on your patient. So when I was in nursing school and I did the rotations elsewhere, I felt like I was just throwing pills at people and I didn't get to know their story. And in the icu, I felt like I actually could dig in that 12 hours and sort of move the needle or, you know, make an impact on their life in one direction.

[Daniel Tosh]

12 hours is such a long time.

[Heather]

It is a long time.

[Daniel Tosh]

The smells that you encountered at work is just off the charts.

[Heather]

You can't find them anywhere else?

[Daniel Tosh]

No.

[Heather]

Like some sea div poop. There's nothing like it.

[Daniel Tosh]

Oh, the smells of a woman.

[Heather]

Mm.

[Daniel Tosh]

Is that just awful in there?

[Heather]

It can be. I mean, but they're not the most memorable. I would say it's more fungating wounds. You know, those are the worst smelling things. Like if you have an open wound that's like.

[Daniel Tosh]

What about one of those viruses where it's like just slowly eating your whole body?

[Heather]

Yeah.

[Daniel Tosh]

And they have to like shut the hospital down because it's like.

[Heather]

Or if it's right, the hospital down. But I mean, those patients are difficult. They keep taking them back to surgery and debriding the bad tissue until they get to a healthy point.

[Daniel Tosh]

Does that mean just cutting off? Yeah, yeah.

[Heather]

But I mean. Yeah, this is necrotizing fasciitis. So you know, it's like a flesh eating bacteria is kind of what you would call it.

[Daniel Tosh]

How often have you seen that in your life?

[Heather]

I probably saw that half a dozen times.

[Daniel Tosh]

Uh huh.

[Heather]

One time it was a woman who I think she was a teacher, and she used dirty nail clippers and it all stemmed from her just trimming the skin on her finger.

[Daniel Tosh]

Guys, have you ever cleaned your nail clippers? Never. Never in my life.

[Heather]

Right. I don't know where they had been, but that was kind of the story that we got. Like how this started with her. So anytime I go to get a pedicure, I think of her.

[Daniel Tosh]

Okay.

[Heather]

I'm like, oh, okay.

[Daniel Tosh]

So you're saying it could have been from. From a professional?

[Heather]

I'm not sure. Yeah, I'm not sure if she did.

[Daniel Tosh]

It makes more sense.

[Heather]

But yeah, you should definitely clean your stuff.

[Daniel Tosh]

Well, I only. But I'm only clipping my own nails.

[Heather]

Well, sure, but you know, you might take it with you on vacation or, you know, who knows?

[Daniel Tosh]

Top of your head. What's your record as an ICU nurse? Live to, don't live.

[Heather]

Oh, well, that's not fair. It's. I mean, everyone there is on the verge of dying or they, you know, shouldn't probably be there. We transfer them out.

[Daniel Tosh]

Would you see a death, a shift?

[Heather]

No, not every single shift, but I would say I would. And definitely not like my patient personally, but probably on our unit, almost every shift somebody would pass. Yes. But even like I went into nursing with the idea that I was gonna do pediatrics. And then when I started in that rotation, I realized, oh, I can't do this. Like with adults and older people. It makes more sense to me. You know, I was better at telling people, hey, I need you to let me do this to you or you're going to die. I don't know how you reason with a child or a Baby, like, I don't think I could do that.

[Daniel Tosh]

You were in the. In the room for when my. My son was born.

[Heather]

I know. I told him that at his birthday the other day. It blew his mind.

[Daniel Tosh]

He didn't. He didn't know that?

[Heather]

No. He was in the bounce house, and I was like, hey.

[Daniel Tosh]

We didn't want him to know that.

[Heather]

I was like, hey, I was. I was one of the first people to meet you. And he literally stopped jumping in the bounce house and looked at me and he was like. You were. I was like.

[Daniel Tosh]

Did you tell him that his head was this long because he was stuck for 12 hours?

[Heather]

His head looked like that, too. It's normal.

[Daniel Tosh]

Yeah. That wasn't normal. That was. That was alarming.

[Heather]

It goes down his head.

[Daniel Tosh]

It did go down. No, his head's not beautiful, but it did go down. But I mean, it.

[Heather]

It's ground. It's not a football anymore.

[Daniel Tosh]

And I also watched Dr. Finkey take his glove and quickly pick up a piece of my wife's poop and then just put in the trash can like nothing happened.

[Heather]

The doctor. That's so nice.

[Daniel Tosh]

He just went.

[Heather]

Yep.

[Daniel Tosh]

And then I was like. I was like, I just saw you.

[Heather]

I feel like you did call it out.

[Daniel Tosh]

You just picked up her poop. Oh, it's so disgusting. Do I see you? Nurses earn more than nurses in other departments.

[Heather]

No, but they should.

[Daniel Tosh]

It's. Yes. A lot of times people cherry pick when all the pay is the same, what's going to be the easiest, most enjoyable day?

[Heather]

Yeah, no, we've. We actually talked about that as a group a lot. Like, we have a group text that

[Daniel Tosh]

it used to be called, you couldn't unionize. And like.

[Heather]

Well, there is a union, but.

[Daniel Tosh]

Well, I know, but, like, just of ICU nurses.

[Heather]

Oh, I don't know. No.

[Daniel Tosh]

All right. But you guys used to say this is bs.

[Heather]

Well, it is, because, like, when the other floors need help or they can't get an IV or, you know, it's like, we're the team that shows up to help those other floors. So obviously there's a different level of skill that is needed in critical care.

[Daniel Tosh]

I remember this guy that had done horrible things. I don't remember the details. Maybe you probably will. But he'd done horrible things, and he was just a disgusting human, and you needed to save his life. And there was nothing on him for any identification, but somehow you got, like, his phone unlocked. And the only thing that he had that was recognizable was Twitter and that the only person that he followed Was me. Do you remember this story?

[Heather]

I do remember. I mean, I cannot for the life of me remember exactly what his story was, but I remember telling you this.

[Daniel Tosh]

It was like.

[Heather]

I was like, what in the world?

[Daniel Tosh]

Yeah, he's the most disgusting human in the world, and the only person that he followed on social was you.

[Heather]

Yeah, I found it very entertaining. And also I was like, am I getting punked right now? Oh, I probably had to delouse him or something.

[Daniel Tosh]

Have you ever had a patient that was also handcuffed to the bed?

[Heather]

Yeah.

[Daniel Tosh]

For doing what?

[Heather]

I don't know. Being a criminal. I think if they come in and they're the police, are they sometimes would show up like that.

[Daniel Tosh]

Yeah. That's kind of fun. Scary.

[Heather]

Yeah, it is. I mean, but, you know, that's. I got desensitized to being scared because I got spit on.

[Daniel Tosh]

You got spit on?

[Heather]

Oh, multiple times.

[Daniel Tosh]

What did you do to deserve that?

[Heather]

I mean, everyone gets spit on. I. But I don't know what. I probably. I was trying to.

[Daniel Tosh]

You said something racial.

[Heather]

No, I probably was just trying to clean them or something. You know, who knows? But the way we handle that is you just put a mask on them, and if they're restrained, then they just are spitting into a mask instead of into your face. That's good. That's good.

[Daniel Tosh]

But anything more inappropriate come flying your way from a human body?

[Heather]

Yeah, I mean, you know, I've been hit by a confused person. I've had being thrown towards me.

[Daniel Tosh]

It's basically working at a zoo, right? You ever. You ever. You ever kissed? You ever been kissed?

[Heather]

Oh, I've had patients try, yes.

[Daniel Tosh]

Have you ever given them, like, a soft kiss when they were. I'm saying when they're completely sedated or under. You've never. You've never. Nobody would know.

[Heather]

Nobody would know.

[Daniel Tosh]

Right. Are you allowed to.

[Heather]

No. I don't know.

[Daniel Tosh]

No. You don't know if you're allowed to?

[Heather]

Not.

[Daniel Tosh]

That was a trick question. You're not allowed to kiss patients.

[Heather]

What I have done to a sedated patient, and I got caught doing this by my nurse friends. So, like, sometimes we would get homeless patients and, you know, they'd be unhoused. I knew you were going to say that. And they would be sedated or on the ventilator, and we would take that as an opportunity to, like, really comb through their hair or, you know, and there was one time this guy had this horrible clogged pore on his nose. I mean, it was huge. And I was like, I have to get this out for him, like, it's was just obscene. So I closed the curtain and I was like popping this clogged pore on his nose. And my friend walked in and he was like, oh, you're sick in the head.

[Daniel Tosh]

That is the most disgusting. That is so disgusting.

[Heather]

I couldn't leave it. I was like, oh, this person needs help.

[Daniel Tosh]

Oh, that is so gross.

[Heather]

It's very nice you did that. I thought it was a kind gesture.

[Daniel Tosh]

It is a kind gesture and it is so.

[Heather]

Oh, my gosh.

[Daniel Tosh]

Goosebumps over here. Yeah, it gives me the willies for sure. Think about it. And to know that you did that, then you came home and you put your hands on your husband.

[Heather]

Right. Probably why he never wanted to hear about my day.

[Daniel Tosh]

Do you feel like you're desensitized to death?

[Heather]

Sort of. There was a couple of moments in my career where I felt like I was getting a little burnt out. At one moment when I felt that way, I went and got my yoga certification and I thought I was gonna teach yoga classes to balance myself out. Then the next time I felt that way, I went and got certified to be a doula. So then I was like, oh, I'll help people bring babies into the world. And like, I thought that would maybe balance me out. I think I just have a healthy relationship with the idea of death now.

[Daniel Tosh]

You're not afraid of death, are you? No, but you're a parent and, like, all I do is spend all day fantasizing. Fantasizing is not the right word, but I'll get fixated on horrible worst case scenarios.

[Heather]

I do the same.

[Daniel Tosh]

You still do that?

[Heather]

Oh, I'm the worst. Okay, I see everybody.

[Daniel Tosh]

But do you think it would wreck you or do you think you'd be able to like. Well, that just happens.

[Heather]

Oh, like if something happened to my kid? Yeah. Oh, no, it would be awful.

[Daniel Tosh]

Like, I always think if, like, if I lost a kid, I might just, like, give the other one a kiss and then just go walk off a cliff.

[Heather]

I don't. I don't know how I.

[Daniel Tosh]

Is that a bad way to respond? Yes, I know, but I just think. I don't know that I. I don't

[Heather]

know that I could handle it either. But I do feel like I picture things. Like I see things before they're going to happen. And so I think it annoys my kids sometimes, but I can see what's ahead. Like when they're doing something, I'm like, okay, you're going to lose a finger. Like, let's Stop that right now.

[Daniel Tosh]

Sure. Okay. But I'm just saying you're not. It didn't desensitize you to the point where you're like, oh, you know, sometimes things happen.

[Heather]

No. And when I've been in the hospital with family members or, like, helping my mom with my grandparents through that time of life, like, I'm still very much emotionally affected like everybody else, but I think it's helped me, if anything, to see things clearer.

[Daniel Tosh]

Well, people, death does not bother me.

[Heather]

No. Like, you want to give them.

[Daniel Tosh]

There we go.

[Heather]

A peaceful death.

[Daniel Tosh]

You made it. You made it.

[Heather]

Yeah, we were actually talking about this. We watched the Pit last night with my 13 year old. In last night's episode, it was end of life on an elderly guy.

[Daniel Tosh]

Yeah.

[Heather]

So the two kids are there, and he was. You know, I could see he was, like, kind of feeling emotional for them, and I was like, no, no, no. This is. This is a gift that they're giving their dad to allow him to die naturally. Like, that's what I've seen.

[Daniel Tosh]

I get it. But, yeah. You know what I'm saying? I think. I think your son's a little too young for that show.

[Heather]

Maybe.

[Daniel Tosh]

Okay. I think maybe we should knock that off.

[Heather]

I don't know. We'll see.

[Daniel Tosh]

But I'm all for right to die. Like, this is absurd.

[Heather]

What we label as being good, like, some of these medical advancements are amazing. But, like, is it really a win if someone lives, like, a year and a half longer? Like, in a bed? Like, no, I don't think so.

[Daniel Tosh]

I think there should be a. How about this at 80? Let's just make it 80. Fine. People are doing good things at 80. Every year you go take a physical and written test, and if you don't pass it, you don't come home.

[Heather]

I mean, but there's people who are fine till they're 95.

[Daniel Tosh]

Right? Because they're gonna pass the test.

[Heather]

Right. But what do you mean you don't go home? What happens to them?

[Daniel Tosh]

No, he. He's. It's done. No, no, it's done. You're done.

[Heather]

I mean, there's no plug to pull.

[Daniel Tosh]

No, no, no. It's done.

[Heather]

At that point, just knock them off.

[Daniel Tosh]

I'm just saying I think you could be. And it's not like, oh, you have to be so smart. No, it's just simple things, like, if your mind is still intact, your body is still physically good, you're enjoying life. Great, great. Continue on. You're not enjoying life. You're a drain on your Family and everybody else, and it's sucking the life out of everyone around you. Let's. Let's. Let's. Let's wrap it up.

[Heather]

So then you have to put the family members in on the test, too.

[Daniel Tosh]

I don't have all the things worked out. Have you ever told somebody that was under or on a ventilator or sedated? Have you ever, like, confessed things to them?

[Heather]

No.

[Daniel Tosh]

You ever whisper something into their ear, like, right before. No, like, right before they pass?

[Heather]

I mean, I always would tell family members that, you know, we always assume that the patient can hear you, even if they're not responsive. So, like, I would encourage their family to talk to them or to play music or something like that. But no, I didn't leave secret messages in their ear.

[Daniel Tosh]

Yeah, that's pretty. That's. That's a lot. That's a lot to come home, and you just gotta come home and you gotta listen to your kids yell at you.

[Heather]

Yeah.

[Daniel Tosh]

How many children have you and John made?

[Heather]

Three.

[Daniel Tosh]

You made three children? How many of them on purpose?

[Heather]

100% on purpose, like planned. Two.

[Daniel Tosh]

Two. Two. And then one.

[Heather]

Boo.

[Daniel Tosh]

How mad was your husband when you were pregnant the third time?

[Heather]

He wasn't mad.

[Daniel Tosh]

He wasn't mad?

[Heather]

No, he wasn't mad at all. But then at that moment, we were like, okay, we're gonna be done. And so we had talked about him getting a vasectomy, and then he became really attached to us having the third, and so then he wouldn't get the vasectomy until after she was born.

[Daniel Tosh]

Yeah, I didn't get a vasectomy until after my second was born. But I don't know why I waited, because it wasn't.

[Heather]

Well, now in hindsight, you're like, oh, it's fine. But I guess, you know, he was like, well, I'm just gonna wait. I'm like, so, what, you're gonna get a vasectomy when I have a newborn?

[Daniel Tosh]

Does he have one now?

[Heather]

Yeah.

[Daniel Tosh]

Okay. That's nice.

[Heather]

That is nice.

[Daniel Tosh]

Three children, and all of them so uniquely different. Isn't that weird? You're two same people, yet all three of your kids. Very different people.

[Heather]

Yes. I think they kind of just come out who they are.

[Daniel Tosh]

Oh, so you don't really think you need to parent?

[Heather]

No, I think you do. I'm just trying not to mess them up.

[Daniel Tosh]

Too late. I got mad when you had your third one because I was like, what's going on? Because I was. I was single.

[Heather]

Oh, you were so annoyed. Like, can't you go Surfing. I'm like, it's nap time, fool. Like, no, he can't go surfing. But now you're in it. Now you have nap time.

[Daniel Tosh]

Yeah. Well, now, no, it's different. No, I listen that. So these are my, you know, once just my friends down the south bay. Then I moved to Malibu and I forced them to. I'm like, you guys gotta move to Malibu. House is opening up next door. Boom, boom. We're all living together. It was one magical day. I snowballed you guys. I was just like, you got. Check this out. I was just showing them everything and then boom, they're hooked now their whole lives up here. I remember one time when your youngest was born and my wife, girlfriend at the time was holding your baby. And I believe it was your father in law was standing next to her and they were just looking at the baby. And I walked in there and I just took my wife's. My girlfriend's pants down. I pantsed her because she was holding a newborn.

[Heather]

She couldn't let go of the baby

[Daniel Tosh]

and she didn't have underwear on. So now she's just naked from the waist down. Holding a newborn next to your father in law.

[Heather]

Yes.

[Daniel Tosh]

And he was so uncomfortable with the situation. He wouldn't. He refused to like look down. He was just like, okay.

[Heather]

Like he didn't think it happened.

[Daniel Tosh]

Pretend like he didn't. She couldn't do anything. She had to leave her pants down.

[Heather]

What if she would have dropped my baby?

[Daniel Tosh]

Well, then you would have known that she's a witch.

[Heather]

Yeah.

[Daniel Tosh]

You've seen many randoms that I had dated over the years. Yay. Are you happy with who we settled down with over here?

[Heather]

For sure.

[Daniel Tosh]

Oh, man. I feel like I had a few that were pretty nice.

[Heather]

You did good with Carly. Hold on to her.

[Daniel Tosh]

Hey, let's talk about this for a second real quick. Now you're. You're married to John?

[Heather]

Yes.

[Daniel Tosh]

Now when we first started meeting, you were just dating, but you weren't. You guys, you weren't high school sweethearts.

[Heather]

No, we met in high school.

[Daniel Tosh]

You met in high school, but he liked you, but you didn't like him or something like that.

[Heather]

Yeah, we started dating. I think I was like 21.

[Daniel Tosh]

Then you broke up for a while. That was fun. How long of a gap was that?

[Heather]

I think it was a little over a year.

[Daniel Tosh]

Yeah, it was nice. That was a fun year. We hung out a lot more then.

[Heather]

And then you were actually very supportive.

[Daniel Tosh]

Of course I was. I was trying to move in. I was trying to weasel In No.

[Heather]

You were always supportive of like you were like, what's going on? Are you guys talking? Are you guys working this out? I mean, you're probably.

[Daniel Tosh]

Did you date in between there?

[Heather]

I did.

[Daniel Tosh]

How many men have you said I love you too, in your life?

[Heather]

I love you.

[Daniel Tosh]

Uh huh.

[Heather]

Let's go three or four.

[Daniel Tosh]

Three or four dudes. Now if, heaven forbid, we know it could happen, John does something stupid and he's gone.

[Heather]

Sure.

[Daniel Tosh]

Okay. Of those three or four, is there one that you're like, nah, I could give it another go with that person.

[Heather]

I don't think so.

[Daniel Tosh]

You say that. You say that.

[Heather]

I said it.

[Daniel Tosh]

But you broke up with John and you got back together with him. And the reason I bring this up.

[Heather]

Yep.

[Daniel Tosh]

Okay. Is because it's in her genes. Her mother and her father, when did they get divorced?

[Heather]

They never got divorced.

[Daniel Tosh]

When did they separate?

[Heather]

Okay. They separated when I was in third grade.

[Daniel Tosh]

Third grade.

[Heather]

And then when John and I got engaged.

[Daniel Tosh]

This is. Now we're talking a good from third grade to 25.

[Heather]

I was probably 25.

[Daniel Tosh]

So it's, it's at least 15 to 17 years apart.

[Heather]

My parents came over and, and said, we wanted to let you know we're, we're going to get back together. And I was like, oh, you weren't thrilled?

[Daniel Tosh]

I was annoyed.

[Heather]

I was a little worried. I said to them, you know, I think they were expecting me to just celebrate, you know, but at that point in my life, I was like, okay. And really my response back to them was, well, I hope you're gonna go to counseling. You know, if you're gonna embark on this journey.

[Daniel Tosh]

Your dad seems like someone that would be completely open to counseling.

[Heather]

Oh, no, he does not like that at all.

[Daniel Tosh]

Her father. Just to give you context of her father, he used to encourage me to steal ram board from Tosh0.

[Heather]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Daniel Tosh]

And. And he would, he just love it. The rolls of that cardboard.

[Heather]

He still talks about that one roll you gave him to him good. Cardboard is like gold.

[Daniel Tosh]

Gets it. Okay, so this is who you're dealing with. Anyway, the point is they got back together and they've been together since how long they've been together now? Since on the second go.

[Heather]

I mean, as long as John and I have been married.

[Daniel Tosh]

How long have you guys been married?

[Heather]

15 years.

[Daniel Tosh]

15 years. That's pretty great.

[Heather]

Yeah.

[Daniel Tosh]

Now when I met you, I met you, I met your sister at the same time. Your sister is 10 years older than you.

[Heather]

Yes.

[Daniel Tosh]

At the time she was a showgirl in Vegas.

[Heather]

No, she had Retired.

[Daniel Tosh]

No, I'm sorry. An exotic dancer.

[Heather]

No, she was not an exotic dancer.

[Daniel Tosh]

So I got the word wrong.

[Heather]

She was a showgirl. She was actually. I think. I think she was newly single when you met her, too. Like, she had gotten divorced.

[Daniel Tosh]

Oh, man.

[Heather]

But no, she was.

[Daniel Tosh]

Let's get back to her.

[Heather]

She wasn't a dancer anymore. She was. She was working in the er.

[Daniel Tosh]

Let's get back to her exotic dancing days. Can you call a showgirl an exotic dancer? Because it is exotic. The feathers and everything.

[Heather]

Right.

[Daniel Tosh]

Did she have feathers?

[Heather]

I think they might have done one number that was like old school Vegas.

[Daniel Tosh]

Does she ever post any of her, like, throwback photos?

[Heather]

Oh, she does.

[Daniel Tosh]

Oh, I love it.

[Heather]

Yeah, she used a bunch of her old dancing photos recently for a training that she did because she was showing, like, her life from, like, she grew up as a ballerina and then she did this showgirl professional dancing period and then went to, you know, into medicine.

[Daniel Tosh]

Did you ever go see her perform?

[Heather]

Oh, yeah.

[Daniel Tosh]

Did you like it?

[Heather]

Yes, I loved it. I mean, I danced too. So not. I never danced in a. In Vegas, but I loved it. I always.

[Daniel Tosh]

You just dance amateurly. Where did you dance? Where? The other circuits.

[Heather]

I mean, I danced mostly just as a hobby. I taught dance and then, you know.

[Daniel Tosh]

Right. But you didn't dance on stage with your boobs out.

[Heather]

No.

[Daniel Tosh]

What casino was she at?

[Heather]

She was at the Riviera.

[Daniel Tosh]

Oh, the Riviera.

[Heather]

She was in Splash.

[Daniel Tosh]

Ah, Splash.

[Heather]

It was an amazing Vegas ride.

[Daniel Tosh]

I used to eat in the belly of the beast of that casino with some of the showgirls. We'd all just be getting our free food. I thought it was neat that they were down there too.

[Heather]

Yeah, just sad in between shows.

[Daniel Tosh]

Sad and depressing.

[Heather]

They're not sad. It's fun.

[Daniel Tosh]

No, no, the casino, the cafe itself was kind of sad and depressed. No, no, no, they weren't. They were the highlight of everyone's day. Okay, so she. Why are both of you nurses? What were the odds of that? Your mom's not a nurse?

[Heather]

No, my mom, before she had my sister, was a dental hygienist. But I mean, really, no one else in our family is medical, so it's. I'm not sure why we were both drawn to that. I know why. I was, personally. But I think when you dance and you're really in tune with your body and ballet kind of makes you pay attention to your body a lot, I think you want to learn more about it. That's what I think. Kind of pushed her that Way, I'm not sure.

[Daniel Tosh]

Okay. By the way, she was told when her sister, who is so controlling, when I said, we're going to interview Heather, she was like, wanted to give you, like, media training. I was like, what are you talking about? Trying to prep her for this interview nonsense. Not gonna happen. Now, your sister. I'm gonna get a lot of the details wrong, but it doesn't matter. Sure, she was a nurse, and then she's a PA PA Whatever. I don't need these details to be right. Don't always fact check me.

[Heather]

Just help it.

[Daniel Tosh]

But first she was a showgirl, then she was a pa Then she just randomly. Is it random? Got into doing, like, Botox, but. But which is like, oh, that's a common thing in Los Angeles. Of course there's people. But she became kind of a celebrity in this world.

[Heather]

She's big time. She was probably one of the first people when she was in PA school. This is kind of her story that she tells. But when she was in PA school, one of the doctors that she was on a rotation with was, like, told her study group, like, hey, you guys need to come over. I want to show you this new drug. And he basically injected them just in, like, their, you know, frown with. And nobody really knew what Botox was at the time.

[Daniel Tosh]

Just let some guy. Hey, come over. Inject stuff into my head.

[Heather]

And then they all were like, what is this miracle drug that you showed us? Or whatever. And so she was always interested in it. And then she worked in the ER for 15 years, but she kind of always dabbled and did Botox on the side.

[Daniel Tosh]

Okay. But she became. Has a presence on social media, and she gives classes, like, around the globe.

[Heather]

Oh, yeah. She's. I think she's probably one of the smartest people in the industry, in my opinion. Like, she's the safest. She trains people how to do this the right way.

[Daniel Tosh]

I'm sure that's incredibly biased, but the point is, she's making buku bucks. She's taken off, and she's telling Heather, knock it off with your ICU job and come work for me for years. For just years. And Heather's like, no, I have to save smelly people. Just refused. And then finally, Heather's like, okay, her sister's gonna open up a Malibu location. Heather's gonna run it, and now you can be the breadwinner of your family.

[Heather]

All's well it ends well, right?

[Daniel Tosh]

Oh, so you're finally. Do you think you'll ever step foot in the ICU again? Other Than when John needs it?

[Heather]

No. Well, and this is why I was hesitant to leave over the years. Like, I trained a lot of people that would leave the ICU and then try to come back, and it's kind of a disaster. Everything moves so fast in that world. Like, the technology changes and everything. So I knew if I left, I wasn't making a U turn to come back. And I would miss. I thought I would miss it.

[Daniel Tosh]

Okay, so now you're gonna be running this. This Botox place here in Malibu that hasn't opened yet?

[Heather]

No.

[Daniel Tosh]

When is it gonna open?

[Heather]

City of Malibu. We're waiting on clearance from them.

[Daniel Tosh]

Good luck. Oh, they might not. You might wait months, Years.

[Heather]

No, I think we're like at the four to six week mark.

[Daniel Tosh]

But you're already working for her. But eventually you'll just be at this, what a short commute. That'll be the first time you've had a short commute in my life. How much more money will you be making now?

[Heather]

I don't know. We'll see.

[Daniel Tosh]

A lot more.

[Heather]

I don't know.

[Daniel Tosh]

I don't need a dollar. Are you going to be making less money?

[Heather]

I think I actually will be making more. Like, when it works out, like, you know, hourly. Like in the hospital. You're clocking. It's shift work. You know, you're paid hourly. It's not like, oh, you had a really productive day. We're going to give you a bonus. Like that doesn't happen.

[Daniel Tosh]

How are you going to go from. From dealing with such serious, you know, real problems to Malibu people going. I just think. I just think if I had just this.

[Heather]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Daniel Tosh]

Also, by the way, you look beautiful today. I haven't seen you look good in I don't know how long. You don't dress up that often.

[Heather]

Nope, I don't.

[Daniel Tosh]

I mean, it's been a long time. You're kind of just like, you're in sweatshirt.

[Heather]

You see me at drop off, like, I'm gonna go work out.

[Daniel Tosh]

Okay. But I mean, even if we go back to that, when I could just walk next door and walk into your home, which, by the way, I never knock. I do a Kramer. You know, I just say the N word. No, I kick doors in. I barge in. Here's why I bring up that you look nice.

[Heather]

Okay.

[Daniel Tosh]

Okay. Because how many units have you injected into your face?

[Heather]

So I've. I've only in the last two years since I've been working with my sister. Like, I've been doing Botox regularly.

[Daniel Tosh]

You are doing it Because I've always been like, this is so funny, because you don't do this stuff at all.

[Heather]

I hadn't before. I mean, I was just having kids and I was busy and you know, my sister was always like, come on, please let me inject you. You look so pissed off. But, so I've. I've done Botox. I have not had any filler, and I.

[Daniel Tosh]

What's the difference between filler and Botox?

[Heather]

Oh, come on. This is. Come on.

[Daniel Tosh]

I don't know. I don't fucking know.

[Heather]

It's very different. So Botox is a neurotoxin.

[Daniel Tosh]

Botox wears off.

[Heather]

Yes.

[Daniel Tosh]

Filler doesn't.

[Heather]

Well, no, they both will, but they totally different functions.

[Daniel Tosh]

I don't give a shit.

[Heather]

Botox is going to relax the muscles, so it prevents you from making these horrible faces over and over again. We strategically inject it so that you can look refreshed and relaxed and a little happier. Filler is filler as you lose volume in your face. Then we place filler in those areas to kind of give you back that.

[Daniel Tosh]

What's more expensive?

[Heather]

It depends on how you look at it. Like, if you do filler, you're not doing that again. If you have the right injector for years, you shouldn't be kind of adding that every single year. Botox is something that you get every three to four months is what you would.

[Daniel Tosh]

What does a session of Botox cost?

[Heather]

It depends on the face.

[Daniel Tosh]

Just give me an idea.

[Heather]

I mean, it just depends.

[Daniel Tosh]

Okay.

[Heather]

My face per unit. Your face?

[Daniel Tosh]

Do. I have never done anything. Can you believe it?

[Heather]

Well, I showed your picture to our esthetician yesterday.

[Daniel Tosh]

Huh?

[Heather]

Because I wanted to.

[Daniel Tosh]

What do you do? Do you like this? Where would we focus on me? I think my eyes are really.

[Heather]

I mean, you don't need anything.

[Daniel Tosh]

That's what I always tell everyone.

[Heather]

Right. You know, but if you wanted it,

[Daniel Tosh]

where would I start?

[Heather]

Just upper face, pretty, probably. Upper face, Botox.

[Daniel Tosh]

Upper face, Botox. Now, how much would that cost me? My first little session? Is this like a $300 day or a $3,000 day?

[Heather]

No, in between.

[Daniel Tosh]

Fucking God, everybody's so vague. In between.

[Heather]

Well, you have to assess the face. It's not this.

[Daniel Tosh]

You're assessing it. This is your job now.

[Heather]

Well, I would have to count it out. You want me to do math?

[Daniel Tosh]

Okay. If I walked in with like a two by four sticking out of my stomach, you'd know what to do. You'd tell me.

[Heather]

I'd leave it.

[Daniel Tosh]

You're right. You gotta leave it. You don't pull it out.

[Heather]

You pull it out, right?

[Daniel Tosh]

Poor what's his name? He' Steve Irwin should still be with us. Who in their right mind thought they should pull out the barb?

[Heather]

That's awful.

[Daniel Tosh]

Sorry. It always gets back to Steve Irwin for me. It does.

[Heather]

I just feel like you've brought him up before.

[Daniel Tosh]

I care. His death was so senseless. We'll be right back. You could be saving money right now by switching to Mint Mobile. It's a no brainer, guys. Let's go. I don't know about you, but I like keeping my money where I can see it. But not literally, but you know what I mean. Unfortunately, those big wireless carriers also seem to like keeping my money too. After years of overpaying for wireless, are you fed up with crazy high bills, bogus fees and free perks that actually cost more in the long run? I am. I'm fed up. John back there been waiting a long time for this ad because he loves Mint Mobile service. How's your reception, John? Perfect. Always perfect.

[Heather]

Always.

[Daniel Tosh]

He pays the least out of the whole staff, if you can believe it. You know I don't like that. I got to get in on this. If you like your money, Mint Mobile is for you. Shop plans@mint mobile.com tosh that's mint mobile.com tosh upfront payment of $45 for a three month five gigabyte plan required equivalent to $15 a month. Two new customer offer for first three months only. Then full price plan options available, taxes and fee extra. See Mint Mobile for details.

[Heather]

When Mother's Day means celebrating your mom, your wife, maybe even your daughter as a new mom, trust 1-800-flowers to help you celebrate every important woman in your life with double blooms from 1-800-Flowers. Order one dozen roses and get another dozen for free.

[Daniel Tosh]

It's a simple way to give beautifully

[Heather]

with colorful blooms that make Mother's Day feel meaningful for every mom you're celebrating. Order with confidence and get double blooms at 1-800flowers.com podcast. That's 1-800-flowers.com podcast.

[Daniel Tosh]

Owning a home is full of surprises. Some wonderful, some not so much. And when something breaks, it can feel like the whole day unravels. That's why Homeserve exists for as little as $4.99 a month. You'll always have some someone to call. A trusted professional ready to help. Bringing peace of mind to four and a half million homeowners nationwide. For plans starting at just 4.99amonth, go to homeserve.com that's homeserve.com not available everywhere. Most plans range between 4.99 to 11.99amonth. Your first year terms apply. Uncovered repairs, pa show. Is any of this covered? Do you guys cover. Is insurance cover any. Nothing?

[Heather]

No. It's a luxury not medically necessary.

[Daniel Tosh]

Is it mostly women? What percentage of men come in to get this kind of work done?

[Heather]

Ironically, yesterday, like, more than half of my patients were men. But that's not a typical day. It's usually mostly women.

[Daniel Tosh]

Can you get wrinkles out of balls? Scrotums?

[Heather]

That I have not tried, but can you? I actually said I drew a line in the sand and I was like, I will not be doing any Botox in any buttholes or anything like that. I don't know. There's some of these weird trends out there, right?

[Daniel Tosh]

What about injecting into like, so that you don't sweat?

[Heather]

Yeah.

[Daniel Tosh]

Do you do that?

[Heather]

Yeah.

[Daniel Tosh]

Can you do that around the. The old taint?

[Heather]

I don't know, but I won't. I refuse. I'm retired. Below the waist. I'm retired.

[Daniel Tosh]

You're not going to.

[Heather]

Oh, people are really doing buttholes in their buttholes. That's.

[Daniel Tosh]

What are they doing with their buttholes?

[Heather]

I mean, I don't know. I haven't seen it or done it, but they've heard about some sort of Botox down there.

[Daniel Tosh]

That's interesting. What is the most effective treatment that you offer?

[Heather]

It depends on what outcome you're looking for.

[Daniel Tosh]

I don't know. Look younger. Isn't that all people? Isn't that all people want?

[Heather]

I would say Botox is kind of like your bread and butter baseline, really the most helpful, you know, to help you.

[Daniel Tosh]

What else are you doing besides Botox?

[Heather]

Lasers. So we have the moxie and the BBL laser. We have the softwave machine. We do micro needling. We inject micro needling for microneedling. It's kind of like a resurfacing of the skin.

[Daniel Tosh]

Oh, yeah.

[Heather]

And you kind of look a little bit raw when you're done, but it helps with cell turnover and collagen production.

[Daniel Tosh]

Will you do any of this stuff to John?

[Heather]

He doesn't need it, of course.

[Daniel Tosh]

But will you do it to him?

[Heather]

Sure. I actually, he was part of our study that we did. I was microneedling his own secretome. So basically we harvested his hair follicles through this company called Acorn and they made this secretome. So it's like for hair rejuvenation?

[Daniel Tosh]

Yes.

[Heather]

So I was microneedling him as Part of the study. He did six treatments of that.

[Daniel Tosh]

And did his hair growth come back any better?

[Heather]

I think you have to keep going, like, more than. The study was only for the six treatments.

[Daniel Tosh]

And I think it probably needs everything with hair growth. Everything that works is still. It's not as good as you want it to be. I mean, as somebody that's done forever. I've done.

[Heather]

But your hair looks great.

[Daniel Tosh]

Yeah, but it's only on camera. Does it look good? If I'm out of the shower and you're looking at the top of my head, you're like, oh, yeah, you're.

[Heather]

You know, you can see the pattern.

[Daniel Tosh]

Oh, no, you can just see that I'm thin.

[Heather]

Is.

[Daniel Tosh]

It's just not good. I'm going to buzz it down this summer and I'm going to do the individual transfers. Okay, but that's going to be a commitment. Yeah, but we'll just. We'll see what I do. Do those dumb red light masks actually do anything?

[Heather]

I don't know if you have the time to do that. Go ahead. It can't hurt. But I don't know about it, really moving the needle a lot.

[Daniel Tosh]

You cold plunge or any of that stuff.

[Heather]

I don't cold plunge. I don't like cold.

[Daniel Tosh]

I don't like cold either.

[Heather]

I like steam rooms. I'm. I'm hot. I like the hot.

[Daniel Tosh]

Are you going to people's homes?

[Heather]

No. Not going to be doing house calls?

[Daniel Tosh]

No house calls?

[Heather]

No.

[Daniel Tosh]

What about, like, putting people to sleep with profol. Do you guys do that?

[Heather]

Nope. Not. Not. That's not going to be at home either. That should only be in the hospital,

[Daniel Tosh]

but it does give you a good night's sleep.

[Heather]

Or you end up like Michael Jackson.

[Daniel Tosh]

Yeah, he's still sleeping. Best night. I mean, he's doing fine. He's ultimate. He's like. He's like, man, this is. Feels like forever. All right, everybody that's on the show gets a gift. Oh, I'm so excited to give you this. This. You're gonna love it. Okay, go ahead, guys. Bring that in for me.

[Heather]

I brought you a gift.

[Daniel Tosh]

Wait, hold on.

[Heather]

Wait.

[Daniel Tosh]

Not yet. You brought me a gift, guys.

[Heather]

I did. I brought you a gift.

[Daniel Tosh]

First thing I got you. This is gonna be nice. Okay.

[Heather]

Okay. Oh, dear.

[Daniel Tosh]

This.

[Heather]

What is that? It's so dirty.

[Daniel Tosh]

Oh, it's always. It doesn't matter. It's teak oil.

[Heather]

Okay.

[Daniel Tosh]

Okay. And the reason I'm giving you this is because I'm giving you a nice outdoor teak table. I had gotten something Different. I replaced my outdoor table. But this will be a perfect table for your house. We're going to have to store it in your garage until your home is finished being built. But you put some teak oil on it and it'll come right back to life.

[Heather]

I mean, there's spider webs on this camp.

[Daniel Tosh]

Yeah, it's disgusting. Here, take that.

[Heather]

Is it an outdoor table?

[Daniel Tosh]

Yeah. Bring it over here, guys. Let's go. Oh, she is nice.

[Heather]

Oh, my God. How is this getting to my house?

[Daniel Tosh]

I'll put them back in my truck. Lift it above the table. Don't scratch my table with that table.

[Heather]

Wow, this is huge.

[Daniel Tosh]

You put this teak oil on here and she will come right back to life.

[Heather]

I cannot wait.

[Daniel Tosh]

Oh, that's a beautiful table.

[Heather]

It is nice. It's nice. It's got potential.

[Daniel Tosh]

Here then. I got you this. This was just at a hotel I was at. I don't use anything.

[Heather]

What's inside?

[Daniel Tosh]

It's just more face stuff.

[Heather]

Body lotion.

[Daniel Tosh]

Is it awful?

[Heather]

I mean, it's hotel stuff. I don't know.

[Daniel Tosh]

I don't know.

[Heather]

But sometimes you stay at nice hotels?

[Daniel Tosh]

I stay at very nice hotels.

[Heather]

Okay, we'll see. Okay, well, I brought you this.

[Daniel Tosh]

What is this?

[Heather]

So I asked our esthetician what you needed and she said, well, show me.

[Daniel Tosh]

Get that off my desk.

[Heather]

Show me his picture. And so I showed her your picture.

[Daniel Tosh]

Which photo did you show, though?

[Heather]

Well, she made me pull up your Instagram and then she watched.

[Daniel Tosh]

I don't have an Instagram.

[Heather]

She watched a couple videos.

[Daniel Tosh]

Oh, give me this.

[Heather]

And she said, oh, he has sun damage.

[Daniel Tosh]

Yeah, of course.

[Heather]

And I said, well, he's a surfer. So this is a medical grade sunscreen. I think it's what, SPF 75?

[Daniel Tosh]

70. Anything past 20 is pointless.

[Heather]

Well, but it's great. And it's this brand.

[Daniel Tosh]

Water resistant for 80 minutes.

[Heather]

Yes. So try it on your face. It's got this ToneSmart technology that kind of matches your skin.

[Daniel Tosh]

I don't like it when it looks like I'm wearing makeup.

[Heather]

Try it or let Carly have it. She'll like it. But it's really good stuff.

[Daniel Tosh]

How much does this cost?

[Heather]

It's pretty pricey, but we're going to be the only people in Malibu stocking this line.

[Daniel Tosh]

Oh, good. So this is a fucking plug?

[Heather]

Yeah, why not?

[Daniel Tosh]

You've always had a real subtle laugh. Anytime Heather comes to a show, I can just hear her. The problem with her laugh too, besides it just being a cackle, is she doesn't laugh when Everyone else laughs. She'll just randomly pick a time to let it loose.

[Heather]

It's usually like, if you get quiet and you make a funny face, I

[Daniel Tosh]

don't even need to write jokes. She just wants me to go up there and just go.

[Heather]

When you would smirk, I would just lose it for some reason.

[Daniel Tosh]

Tell people how I changed your life. When it comes to which time? When it comes to ordering at a

[Heather]

restaurant, I mean, actually, I just said this to my parents the other day. I took them to lunch, and I was like, you know, Daniel says if they have bread pudding on the menu, you order it. And so we ordered bread pudding for lunch, and my dad was the happiest. He's like, well, that was a good idea.

[Daniel Tosh]

If bread pudding's on many orders. Second thing I do at dessert, if there's like nine things that look good, order all of them.

[Heather]

Yeah.

[Daniel Tosh]

And just deal with it. Oh, it's the best. You've made me some good desserts in your day. Yeah, you bring them over. That's always sweet. It's been a while since I've had your mushy bread or your mushy.

[Heather]

It's like a chocolate souffle type thing.

[Daniel Tosh]

Yeah. Let's not go overboard. It wasn't a souffle.

[Heather]

No, but, like, it was like that. Cause you like things raw and doughy.

[Daniel Tosh]

I like things raw and doughy. I want that on my tombstone. All right, Heather. Well, I look forward to you fixing my face.

[Heather]

It'll be an honor.

[Daniel Tosh]

Oh, it's gonna be exciting. I'm so much younger. The next time you guys see me PA show, I want to thank Heather for being on the show reluctantly. She did it. She was great.

[Heather]

Yep.

[Daniel Tosh]

Nurses are good people. Just the salt of the earth. Why is being the salt of the earth a good thing? I love expressions that I've never looked into, what it actually means. Anybody care to know why we say the salt of the earth? We need sodium. I don't know. You think it's a sodium related thing? I think it's a biblical thing. You think it's biblical? I think it's just. It's fun to lick salt.

[Heather]

The phrase originates from the Sermon on the mount in Matthew 5:13, where Jesus

[Daniel Tosh]

tells his followers, you are the salt of the earth. Okay, so he just made it up. He's just ripping. That sounds like a Trump quote. You just start talking and see what happens.

[Heather]

Could have well been pepper. And they're all like, let's go get fish.

[Daniel Tosh]

You're the chives of the earth. The Salt of the earth. All right. Okay. Well, anyway, that's what she is. By the way. The table that I gave her just, you know, getting it up here was not easy. But there's a staircase and it involves a turn and it's going to be a pain. But Pete here thinks that table can go. He's like, I'm going to go down the hall quite a ways with it, carrying it, and then put in the elevator so we don't have to go up the flight of stairs. The idea that this would fit in an elevator is absurd to anyone who's ever seen the elevator or like, looked at a ten foot table ridden an elevator. It's just comical. And he attempted it. Meanwhile, there's like, people like, waiting. This guy in a wheelchair is like, hey, when you're done failing at Tetris,

[Heather]

we'll get to you next, sir.

[Daniel Tosh]

Oh. Anyway, of course it didn't fit at all. Just added a few extra scratches to the table and then we brought it up the stairs. He's like, it was worth a try. I'm like, no, it wasn't. You walk twice the distance with that table by going to the elevator. We got some plugs. Patreon.com toss show guys, I need you to join that. I'm kidding. You don't have to. But if you, if you have money, $5 burning a hole in your pocket every month, you're like, I wish I didn't have this. You know, it's like, it's like. Because eventually $5 is gonna be like pennies right where you don't want them.

[Heather]

Yes.

[Daniel Tosh]

Although now people are collecting pennies. Who's doing that? I don't know. I don't know anyone that's collecting pennies. I'm just guessing that as soon as they say we're stop using pennies, that people start collecting them. I'm thinking that you could, like watch Fox News and there'd be a commercial like, you need to invest in pennies. The Trump Penny. My first farewell tour. Tickets on sale. Adding shows constantly. Tossshowstore.com and by the sound of those horns, I know that it's time to play they Love Me. They Love me Not. There you go, Eddie, what do you got?

[Heather]

Beau Mitchum799 I've been trying to come up with something negative to say so I can be on the I love me not segment, but can't. The show is pure gold.

[Daniel Tosh]

Boom. You're on the I love me segment. And I don't know why you're wasting time trying to come up with something negative. That's. That's the problem with America right there. Always trying to come up with something negative instead of focus on the positive.

[Heather]

Exactly.

[Daniel Tosh]

Okay, well, here's toaster lovin'. Toaster lovin'. Toaster lovin'. Tell me somebody's putting their dick in a toaster.

[Heather]

Well, I guess maybe. Well, Tosh just did a sports gambling ad and I just lost all respect for him.

[Daniel Tosh]

Yeah, that's what did it, huh? That's what made you lose all the. He had all the respect for me and then I did a sports gambling ad. Is that the problem?

[Heather]

He lost it.

[Daniel Tosh]

Yeah. That's a shame. Hopefully. Hopefully he has an open heart and I can win it back when I, like, do some, you know, hair loss or boner pill commercials. See you next week. Start the spring season off right with a new pair of to Covis Western boots. Handcrafted in over 200 steps from genuine leather, they're built to last and feel broken in the moment you you put them on. From cowhide to exotic leathers, tacovas blends

[Heather]

timeless style with all day comfort.

[Daniel Tosh]

Pair them with premium denim western shirts and accessories for an effortless, polished look. Shop quality western goods in store or online at decovas. Com.