My Commercial Airline Pilot - Joe

Summary

Tosh Show – “My Commercial Airline Pilot – Joe”
Host: Daniel Tosh | Guest: Joe (Commercial Airline Pilot) | Date: June 9, 2026

---

Episode Overview

In this episode of the Tosh Show, comedian Daniel Tosh sits down with Joe, a commercial airline pilot for a major American carrier (identifiable details withheld for privacy). The conversation explores the realities of being a professional pilot—training, lifestyle, industry quirks, safety, stereotypes, and aviation myths—infused with Tosh's trademark irreverence, quick wit, and love for offbeat details. The episode offers both a comedic and surprisingly informative window into the world of commercial aviation and those who fly for a living.

---

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Getting to Know Joe: Career, Training & Background

• Joe’s Origin Story

  • Joe was born and raised in Boston, spent some time flying for a regional airline in Milwaukee, currently lives in Boston and is based in New York. (12:14)
  • Comes from a lineage of pilots: both grandfathers flew in WWII; his dad was in the Air National Guard and Joe grew up around fighter jets. (13:06)

• Flight Training Experiences

  • Began flying at 18, got his license at 19, and learned in single-engine Cessnas. (13:49)
  • Soloed after 20 hours, fully licensed at 56 hours. (13:53)
  • Shares his one “scary moment”: a hairy crosswind landing while training. (14:07)

• Love of Aviation or Family Pressure?

  • “You always wanted to be a pilot?”—Joe: “Yeah. Loved it.” (13:06)

• Understanding Flying Mechanics

  • Joe acknowledges he learned the mechanics of flight through education but didn't “figure it out” himself. (15:00)
  • “Do you understand how a plane flies?”—Joe: “Absolutely.” (15:01)

• Private vs. Commercial vs. Military Paths

  • No military background, unlike some; prefers commercial because of work-life balance over private jet flying. (15:46)

---

2. Life as a Commercial Pilot

• Work Schedule & Bidding System

  • Typical schedule: four days on, three off; bid each month for route preferences and can try to avoid undesirable destinations. (15:59, 16:10)
  • Seniority is everything: “If you really don’t want to do it, someone else will.” (16:30)

• Drug Testing & Old Stereotypes

  • Random drug tests: “Could go months without it, then twice in a week.” (27:10)
  • Not a “drug person.” Learned discipline early starting in aviation at 18. (27:23)

• Stereotypes and Crew Dynamics

  • The old “pilots are cheaters” stereotype: "Things are different today—less overlap with crews and stricter rest requirements. Not the party scene people think.” (29:14)
  • Most pilots aren’t racking up hotel points—the company does. (29:52)

• Travel Habits

  • Packs enough for trips (four–five days of clothes), avoids laundry in hotel sinks. (30:11)
  • “How much time at Hudson News?”—“A disgusting amount. I’m there every day.” (49:47)

• Family & Personal Life

  • About to be a first-time father; plans to work through paternity. “She gets time off, my parents help.” (50:27)
  • Used to travel for fun when younger and single, now prefers home time. (49:56)

---

3. Technical & Procedural Realities of Flying

• Pre-Flight Walkarounds

  • “Have you ever found something?”—“Yes, serious and minor issues. Once found water shooting everywhere from a leak—plane was grounded.” (20:53)
  • Not paid for walkaround time directly; paid by flight “block time.” (21:41)

• Flight Operations

  • Explains high-altitude airport challenges: “The air is thinner, less lift—you adjust with different flap settings and more math.” (22:54)
  • Typical use of autopilot: “Hand-fly up to 18,000 feet, then autopilot.” (32:51)
  • On newer tech: Don’t care if buttons or touchscreens, “As long as it works.” (25:04)

• Emergency Procedures & Passenger Myths

  • “Taking off or landing more dangerous?”—Takeoff, because after a certain speed you’re committed even if there’s an engine failure. (25:15)
  • Can a layperson land a plane if both pilots are incapacitated?
    “If on the radio with help—maybe 80% chance.” (26:27)
  • Regular simulator sessions every nine months required. (39:58)

• Maintenance & Compliance

  • Pilots are not encouraged to “turn a blind eye.” Planes have extensive checklists and maintenance logs—even minor issues are documented. (37:29)
  • “How many flights between maintenance?”—Varies, with ongoing minor fixes between flights. (37:05)

• Delays and Announcements

  • Delays are mostly out of pilots’ hands (weather, maintenance, legal requirements). Joe keeps announcements “short and concise”—unlike pilots who monologue over movie audio. (34:31)
  • On delay announcements: Tosh wishes pilots would just be straight about long waits. (35:20)

---

4. Culture, Myths & Passenger Pet Peeves

• Stereotypes, Gender, and Age

  • Female pilots: There are many, but still a small percentage. Joe: “I have flown with them and they are excellent.” (44:04)
  • Mandatory retirement for commercial pilots at 65, despite much older members of Congress. (45:11)

• Passenger Behaviors

  • Emergency exit row: Passengers must verbally confirm willingness to help.
    “They all say that they will help.” Tosh: “I say a lot of things for an extra four inches of legroom.” (32:23)
  • Shoes: “Don’t take your shoes off” in case of an emergency—leave bags. (39:13)
  • Service animals: Airlines clamped down after “service pigeons and riff-raff.” (43:43)
  • Traveling with pets: Now much stricter. (43:26)

• Miscellaneous

  • Sun in the cockpit: Sunglasses (not always “aviators”). (31:25)
  • On autopilot: No Netflix or games up front—pilots keep busy. (33:11)
  • Airline rivalry and "private jet" dangers: Private flights sometimes cut corners (de-icing with bottles of antifreeze); “That’s why I don’t fly private.” (46:02)

---

5. Industry Trends and Big-Picture Topics

• Future of Aviation

  • On supersonic flight returning: Only if technology becomes fuel-efficient (Concorde was a gas-guzzler). (40:29)
  • AI pilots? “I don’t think so. Would you want an AI to fly your family?” (33:18)
  • “Why do private jets fly higher?”—Because they’re lighter. (42:05)

• Fun, Hobbies & Offbeat Questions

  • Would Joe do “Vommit Comet” (weightless flights)? “I’d do it once.” (47:39)
  • Wouldn’t want to own his own plane: “A lot of maintenance, kind of a money pit.” (54:39)
  • On wind: “It’s the Earth spinning, and the sun heating the Earth.” (55:50)
  • Flat earthers? Never had one on his flight. (56:14)

---

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On the Myth of the Pilot “Player”

  • Tosh: “Pilots have always been considered cheaters. Am I right?”
    Joe: “That was a stereotype. These days it’s a lot different... very little overlap [with crews].” (29:16)

• On Emergencies and Layperson Landings

  • Tosh: "Can I land this plane?"
    Joe: "If you could use the radios and talk to someone on the ground... maybe." (26:19)
  • “If they had the radios on and they were talking to a guy on the ground that knows the plane, he could walk them through. They had a much better chance.” (26:30)

• On Announcements

  • “When I do the announcements, I try to keep it short and concise.” (34:45)

• On Shoes in Emergencies

  • Tosh: “He always keeps his shoes on.”
    Joe: “Yeah, you should.” (39:10)

• On Professional Longevity

  • Tosh: “How long do you want to go on with this profession?”
    Joe: “Probably late 50s, early 60s.” (54:27)

• On Simulators

  • “I go to the simulator every nine months.” (39:58)

• On Wind

  • Ed: “Where does wind come from?”
    Joe: “It’s the earth spinning.” (55:50)
  • Tosh: “None of us could figure it out.” (55:58)

---

Timestamps for Key Segments

• Intro & Water Heater Story (01:07 – 11:12): Daniel’s circuitous, comic story about a busted water heater and home repairs.
• Meet Joe, Early Life & Training (11:56 – 15:19): Joe’s aviation background and family story.
• Commercial Pilot Life & Schedules (15:46 – 17:44): Work/life comparison, schedules, and bidding for flights.
• Tech, Emergencies, and Myths (20:53 – 26:01): Walkarounds, pre-flight issues, autopilot, danger, possibility of a layperson landing a plane.
• Stereotypes & Crew Culture (26:19 – 30:33): Drugs, pilot reputation, and shift from “party” days.
• Passenger Annoyances & Pet Peeves (31:36 – 39:58): Announcements, delays, emergencies, behaviors.
• Training, Simulators & The Future (39:58 – 44:57): Flight sim stories, supersonic travel, tech evolution, gender representation.
• Travel, Home Life & Hobbies (49:47 – 51:09): Airport routines, what pilots do off the clock, fatherhood.
• Gift-Giving & Close-Out (51:23 – 56:55): Tosh's signature quirky travel gifts and commentary.
• Wind, Trains, and Oddball Topics (55:50 – 56:55): Science-lite banter and jokes.
• Notable Listener Comments (60:17 – 63:24): Daniel and Ed riffing on podcast feedback.

---

Standout Moments & Humor

• “You fly private a lot?” – “I do, but I don’t admit it.” (15:30)
• On delays:
  “My thing with delays is the increments. Just tell me—this might stumble into hours, guys!” (35:20)
• On being forced into being a pilot:
  “That’ll be a fun thing to say at their eulogy: Not addicted to drugs, but I forced them into being a pilot... and they were horrible at math.” (27:35)
• On exit row claims:
  “I say a lot of things for an extra four inches of legroom.” (32:23)
• Joe’s chill:
  “I’m numb to [airport stress], I’d say. I usually have headphones on.” (49:21)

---

Tone & Language

• Breezily irreverent, full of Tosh’s signature sarcasm, banter, and mock-serious curiosities.
• Joe is low-key, good-humored, patient, occasionally dry in the face of Daniel and Ed’s more ridiculous hypotheticals.

---

Conclusion

Daniel Tosh’s interview with commercial pilot Joe strikes a unique balance of real insight and comedic deconstruction of aviation folklore, from restroom emergencies to AI, gender representation and the hidden truths of pilot lifestyles. Rich with both laughs and genuinely useful information, the episode underscores what life is really like on the flight deck—and leaves listeners with a newfound appreciation for the pilots getting us safely from A to B.

---

For full details on Daniel’s live shows, listener mail, and more, check Patreon.com/toshow.

---

Transcript

[Dan Tosh]

This episode of Tosh show is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Do you ever think about switching insurance companies to see if you could save some cash? Progressive makes it easy to see if you could save when you bundle your home and auto policies. Try [e-mail] Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates. Potential savings will vary. Not available in all states.

[Progressive Insurance Announcer]

Are you noticing your car insurance rate creep up even without tickets or claims? You're not alone. That's why there's Jerry, your proactive insurance assistant. Jerry handles the legwork by comparing quotes side by side from over 50 top insurers so you can confidently hit buy. No spam calls, no hidden fees. Jerry even tracks rates and alerts you when it's best to shop. Drivers who save with Jerry could save over $1,300 a year. Don't settle for higher rates. Download the Jerry app or visit Jerry AI Libsyn today. That's J E R R Y AI Libsyn.

[Dan Tosh]

How many pilots have second families?

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

None that I know.

[Dan Tosh]

Is there something you would like to say to your second family right now?

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

No.

[Dan Tosh]

Posh show. Posh Toss show for. Show me

[Ed]

for the show.

[Dan Tosh]

Toss show time. Welcome. Welcome to the show. I'm Dan. That's Ed.

[Ed]

What up?

[Dan Tosh]

Together we're Ed and Dan. Do I look fresh?

[Ed]

You do, man. You look real fresh.

[Dan Tosh]

Here's why, Ed. I had a week. Seven days of no hot water. My water heater went out, okay? And so I went downstairs where my water heater was and I unplugged it and then I plugged it back in, right? And that didn't fix anything. So I. So I called a guy.

[Ed]

I gotta call somebody.

[Dan Tosh]

Usually, I'll be honest with you, I have to call Pete, okay? Then Pete calls the guy. My plumber comes over, but it's a Friday and he's like, I can't get there till Monday. And I'm like, that's all right. It's a weekend. You're going to come on Monday. You know, I'll. I surf, I swim. We got a Jacuzzi that. That'll get me. That'll keep my family clean enough for the weekend. Right now he says he's going to be there first thing Monday morning. So around 2 o' clock Monday, he's there first thing. And I guess. What?

[Ed]

What?

[Dan Tosh]

No, I didn't know this was the unit you had. I can't fix this.

[Ed]

No, no. Can't fix it.

[Dan Tosh]

No. He's like, I can't fix this. Which is fine. He's like, you got to Call a specialist that works on this exact unit. I'm like, but you. You've worked on my house many times. He's like, I've never. You've never had a problem with this water heater? Like, okay, what? Now, normally, I've always been a fan of tankless water heaters. In fact, the home that Eddie lives in, which was my first home that I ever bought, I put in a tankless water heater and I thought it was the greatest thing in the world. How's it running?

[Ed]

I think we replace it, but it's a no. I mean, there's no way I'm not going to have one. They're great.

[Dan Tosh]

You replaced it. Okay. It didn't survive forever, but it lasted a long time. How long are they supposed to last? That's my question to you.

[Ed]

I mean, I guessed 10, 15 years.

[Dan Tosh]

Okay. I think that's a. I think about right. 10, 15, maybe even more. I always was under the impression that things last forever. Like, I don't ever remember my parents replacing a water heater.

[Ed]

Absolutely.

[Dan Tosh]

Like, I don't. There was never a new washing machine. Do you have a different washer and dryer than what I had originally?

[Ed]

Yeah, sure.

[Dan Tosh]

Do it. You had to take the.

[Ed]

They eventually just stop.

[Dan Tosh]

Okay, well, this all also, I don't think, you know, when you rent, when you first move to Los Angeles and you never. I never have stayed in a place long enough for things to. From brand new to broken. And now I live in a home that I'm hopefully gonna live in for a long time. Things wear out, okay, so he can't fix this, but he knows somebody that's a specialist. And of course, that guy can't get out there for another three or four days. So now it's Thursday. He's coming Thursday. So it broke on Friday. He's coming on Thursday. In the meantime, I know people say that they take cold showers and they like it how it starts their day. I can't do it. It's too cold. The other day I went jogging and I had purposely. I'm going to jog and then I'll be so hot when I get back, I'll go right into the shower. But when I came back into the house, my wife caught me and had to talk to me about something.

[Ed]

I cooled down through the timing off.

[Dan Tosh]

She. She wouldn't stop talking. I cooled down and now I have to go into the shower and I'm back. My body temperature is not hot anymore. So it's horrible. I just hate it. I hate it so bad, you say, yeah. Oh, Mr. Rich Fancy Pants, don't you have a workaround on your property for hot water? And the answer is, I do. The Airstream does have a tiny, tankless electrical water heater. So at when it got to the point where it was like nobody would do the cold showers and the family stunk to high heavens, we all, my kids and myself, got into this tiny little shower that Scott made us. My Airstream guy with the. The pink penny tiles, that he said was the worst decision I made on designing my Airstream. And we all just had a nice, warm, hot shower in there. Then he comes on Thursday. Well, I happen to not be at the house when he arrived because, of course, the window that he was available to show up, I said, pete, have him come anytime Thursday, except between noon and 1:30. And Pete's like, great, got it. The only time he can come is noon. I'm like, okay, perfect.

[Ed]

Okay.

[Dan Tosh]

So now he's got to deal with my wife. That's not good. She doesn't know how things work. And she certainly doesn't know how to relay messages to me. Because I get back and I'm like, do we have hot water? And she goes, no. He said he has to order a part. It'll be in next week, but it's coming from Anaheim. I'm like, just drive down to Anaheim and get it. Yeah, not me, but there's gotta be a person that does that kind of thing.

[Ed]

Yeah.

[Dan Tosh]

And she yelled. She didn't yell at him, but he was not talking down to her. But, like, you know, this is. This is what it is. And she's like, I got a family of four. And then he says, you know, many times a day I hear that, okay, I don't like that energy. Now. I make sure that when this part comes in the next. Next week, that I'm there. So now I've been out. Out of hot water for at least, you know, 10 days.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

Jeez.

[Dan Tosh]

The part comes in and I'm there. I start talking to this guy. His energy, it's not great, right? But I break him down.

[Ed]

Okay.

[Dan Tosh]

We start having fun. You know, I started. I started asking enough. He's like, I'm like, you need any help? He's like, no, you need any help? I'm gonna go, how's it going? He's like, it's in a horrible location. I'm like. I go, that's the way I designed it. Yeah. So he's starting to pick up that I'm being. That I'm Just being a silly smartass.

[Ed]

I didn't want it to be a feature of the house.

[Dan Tosh]

And I go, well, I go, why this break in the first place? I go, I go, hot water heaters are never supposed to break. He's like, this is commercial. I go, what? Because you got 100 gallon tank. There's a commercial. They don't. Commercial doesn't last as long. I'm like, that should be the opposite. He's like, no, no. The residential water heaters will last 10 to, you know, 12 years is what they say. And the commercial, like six to 10. And I'm like, that seems short. He goes, well, good news is you don't have to replace the whole thing. You just need this one little part. How much is that one little part? Twelve hundred dollars.

[Ed]

Yeah.

[Dan Tosh]

He just kept telling me how hard it is to do it. How am I supposed to respond to that?

[Ed]

I don't know.

[Dan Tosh]

Is he setting me up like I'm supposed to be tipping him?

[Ed]

Oh, maybe.

[Dan Tosh]

Is that what that was, Pete?

[Ed]

Tough to say.

[Dan Tosh]

He gets it working. But now my daughter is waking up from her quiet time. She doesn't nap anymore. She. She has a 45 minute quiet time. By the way, he is really a loud talker, this new plumber. And I kept telling him, my daughter's, you know, sleeping, let's be quiet. What? I'm like, oh, God, good grief. But she's up. So now I'm holding her, introducing her to the new plumber. She's like, what happened to our old plumber? I'm like, our old plumber doesn't specialize in this hot water heater. Okay, now we have to bleed all the lines or turn all the water on in the house so that there's no air pockets. I'm like, can I do this on my own? He's like, nah, it's better to do. Let's just do it now. Then we'd go to every faucet in the house, put all the hot water on until it gets hot, make sure there's no air in the line. Not one of them, by the way, had air in the line.

[Ed]

There you go.

[Dan Tosh]

It was all turned on. Seemed to work fine. Then he sees that I have a little area to chip golf balls. I got this hole 44 yards away. I said, no one's ever holed out. He's like, I golf. I go, you want it? You want to get out there and chip? And he's like, yeah. So I got my plumber in the backyard. I took a photo of Him? No one. And I've had. I've had golfers. I'm not a golfer, but I've had golfers chip on my little green. You got to clear some water. It's a little elevation change and you don't have a lot of room to land the ball and back it up. But anyway, his first shot, maybe two feet away from the hole.

[Ed]

Oh, my God, he does play.

[Dan Tosh]

Second shot, ran it right past the hole, like, like almost over the hole. This motherfucker almost holed out. The only person that's ever holed out on my green was going to be. I don't. I'm so glad he didn't, but, man. Yeah, he could swing the clubs. Sticks.

[Ed]

It's awesome.

[Dan Tosh]

Okay. I use a 68 degree wedge and I, you know, I just do a flop shot, ascend it to the moon. I occasionally blade it, send it flying into my neighbor's backyard. Yeah, it's all fun stuff. Anyway, now the hot water's working. I mean, I just love these people that know how to fix things because when something breaks, it's like you really want them to show up. You want them to drop everything. That's why I like to befriend all these people.

[Ed]

That's true.

[Dan Tosh]

Because inevitably it's going to break again. And now I got this guy. Now this guy knows me. He knows that I'm going to let him hit some golf balls and he's going to show up. And maybe he doesn't let my kids freeze for the weekend.

[Ed]

Right.

[Dan Tosh]

It's just nice to be clean again. Not that it would have mattered because I'm going to Europe this week.

[Ed]

Oh, yeah.

[Dan Tosh]

So I could have stayed all smelly.

[Ed]

Yeah. Your scent.

[Dan Tosh]

Bringing the whole family with me on a commercial airline. Hopefully I pick up a few travel hacks from today's guest. Enjoy. This is your captain Dan Tosh speaking. It's beautiful Tuesday morning with temperatures in the low 70s. Winds coming up from the southwest. We expect to have a run time under one hour unless today's guest believes in ghost or seen an actual ufo. John and Dylan, please prepare the studio for recording as I welcome my first officer today whose last name we're not allowed to say or to disclose his airline affiliation, but it is one of the majors. So sit back, relax, Enjoy this interview with Joe.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

Perfect.

[Dan Tosh]

How you doing, Joe?

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

Good, how are you?

[Dan Tosh]

I'm doing great. Thanks for. Thanks for flying in.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

Yeah, no problem.

[Dan Tosh]

Do you believe in ghost?

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

I do not.

[Dan Tosh]

You do not. You don't want your pilot at all believing in Ghosts. Especially if they start talking to them. Where are you from, Joe?

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

Born and raised in Boston. Live there now. I lived in Milwaukee for a few years when I was flying for a regional airline. But, yeah, now I'm in Boston and based in New York.

[Dan Tosh]

You remember Midwest Express?

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

They were before me.

[Dan Tosh]

Well, sure they were. They were before. How old are you?

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

33.

[Dan Tosh]

33. How many confirmed kills do you have?

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

Zero.

[Dan Tosh]

Do people want that in their commercial pilots, though?

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

I have flown with plenty of military pilots, so they probably have done a few.

[Dan Tosh]

Greg Hahn, the comedian, he always. That's all he ever wants. He just wants his pilots to be old vets.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

Old and gray is what I've heard. Yeah. Yeah.

[Dan Tosh]

I mean, you kind of look like a pilot, though.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

I do? Yeah, you do. I'll take that.

[Dan Tosh]

I mean, I would trust you just based off of every stereotype. I just, like, look at him like. Yeah, that guy didn't cheat his way through the courses.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

Well, I started flying. I was 18.

[Dan Tosh]

So have you always, always wanted to be a pilot?

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

Yeah. Well, both my grandfathers were pilots in World War II. My dad's dad was a B29 pilot, and then my mom's dad was an F4U Corsair pilot, and then my dad was in the Air National Guard. And I grew up around the F15s that he worked with, so I just grew up around it. Loved it.

[Dan Tosh]

My dad worked for McDonnell Douglas for some time.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

Okay.

[Dan Tosh]

Yeah.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

What was he doing?

[Dan Tosh]

Human resources. Why did you have to do a follow up, Joe? Had you just left it. Had you left it at the McDonald

[Ed]

Douglas like you grew up around human resources?

[Dan Tosh]

But then I had to get into the act. The truth is, Human Resources. But occasionally he would come home with like a model F15 or something like that to show me, and I was all. I thought it was cool as a child.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

Yeah.

[Dan Tosh]

All right. So you were 18 when you got your pilot's license?

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

19 when I got my license. 18 when I started flying.

[Dan Tosh]

How hard is it to get your license?

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

I was flying Cessna 172s, so just a single engine propeller. And it took me 20 hours to solo, 56 hours to get my license.

[Dan Tosh]

The first time you soloed, were you scared?

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

No.

[Dan Tosh]

Have you ever been scared in a plane?

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

Once.

[Dan Tosh]

Oh, was it a commercial airline?

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

No, no, no, it was a Cessna. It was like when I was still a student pilot and we were doing crosswind landings, and when you're coming in and the Runway's in front of you and then your nose is to the right, you know, What I mean? Cause you have to face into the wind, and it's crosswind landing.

[Dan Tosh]

Okay.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

And we were getting real close to the ground before the instructor had straightened it out. And that was the first time I ever had seen something like that. And that's when I was, like, a little caught off guard, I'd say.

[Dan Tosh]

I mean, I've been squirrely coming in, and I don't enjoy it.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

Yeah, yeah.

[Dan Tosh]

I'm not afraid to fly, but I'm also not afraid to die. So I think those two things go hand in hand.

[Ed]

That's pretty good.

[Dan Tosh]

I've also never been interested in learning how to fly.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

Okay.

[Dan Tosh]

If the Wright brothers hadn't, you know, gotten around to it, do you think you could have figured it out flight personally?

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

Yeah, probably not.

[Dan Tosh]

No.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

No.

[Dan Tosh]

Do you understand how a plane flies?

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

Absolutely.

[Dan Tosh]

Yeah.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

But I wasn't the one that, like, figured it out. No, I understand this, but.

[Dan Tosh]

But I don't understand.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

I do. Well, I went to school for it, so that's why. I know.

[Dan Tosh]

All right. But even prior you, you probably had a pretty good grasp on how the lift was.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

I. I didn't know the math behind it, but I had a basic understanding.

[Dan Tosh]

People that fly a lot, especially if you fly private, you. You sometimes get privy to pilots wanting to share or allowing you to, like, see things, and I'm always like, no, no, I'm good.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

Well, you fly private a lot.

[Dan Tosh]

I do, but I don't admit it. Okay. You know what? I. I do, you know, equivalent to dead legs. I do that all the time, don't I, Pete? Get those sweet deals when planes just have to be moved. I'm like, I'll take that one.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

Fair enough.

[Dan Tosh]

Would you ever want to fly private?

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

Not really.

[Dan Tosh]

You don't like those guys?

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

It's not that I don't like them. It's that airline. We have a better quality life, in my opinion. Obviously, the guys that fly private have a different opinion. That's why they do that.

[Dan Tosh]

In your schedule, what is a typical schedule for a commercial pilot?

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

So I'll work, like, four days on three days off, and then it may be like, four days on, two days off, and then another three day. It's very. It changes every month, and you don't

[Dan Tosh]

get to pick where you're flying.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

We bid. So every month you bid for, like, from the first, the tenth, they have the bid open, and you can bid for what you want the following month. You can, like, weigh things. Like, I want to go to this airport, so I'm going to weigh that higher. And then I don't want to go to this airport, so I'm going to like put that in the bid as well.

[Dan Tosh]

Can you demand or say that you will not fly certain places?

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

Bids that you try to avoid it. Bid to avoid, bid to avoid. Yeah, but there's so many pilots in this, like the company, that there are guys that are willing to do it. So if you really don't want to do it, someone else will.

[Dan Tosh]

Nathan Fielder seemed to suggest that every pilot in the sky is autistic. Your thoughts disagree?

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

He also took 100 hours to get a solo flight. I had my license by that point.

[Dan Tosh]

Okay, listen, Nathan's got his own demons. We'll be right back. When you're starting off with something new, it seems like your to do list keeps growing every day with new tasks. And that list can easily begin to overrun your life. Finding the right tool that not only helps you out, but simplifies everything can be a game changer for millions of businesses. That tool is Shopify. I love these guys, all right? And I use guys as a general neutral term. Just overall get started today with hundreds. Did I read that right? Hundreds of ready to use templates. Shopify helps you build a beautiful online store that matches your brand style. Shopify is packed with helpful AI, not that harmful AI.

[Ed]

Right?

[Dan Tosh]

They got helpful AI tools that write product descriptions, page headlines, and even enhance your product photography. It's all built around efficiency. Start your business today with the industry's best business partner, Shopify, and start hearing. Sign up for your $1 per month trial today at shopify.com tosh go to shopify.com tosh that's shopify.com tosh Shopify gas, groceries. Eating out. Even on the tightest budget, there's no escaping them. But here's what you can control. Getting cash back every single time you fill up. Hit the grocery store or go out to eat with the Upside app. Eddie.

[Ed]

Yo.

[Dan Tosh]

You ever spend money on gas? Sure do. What about groceries?

[Ed]

Yep.

[Dan Tosh]

Restaurants? Uh huh. Okay. Upside knows that those are the big three of consumption, which is what makes it so great. The free Upside app gets you cash back on gas, groceries, and dining. The three things that are sucking the life out of your budget right now. You heard me right. It's cash back. Not points you'll never use, not credits that expire. Money you transfer straight into your bank account. Upside has given back $1 billion to its users. To find out how much you could earn, download the free Upside app and use promo code Tosh to get an extra $0.25 back for every gallon in your first tank of gas. That's an extra $0.25 BACK for every gallon of your first tank of gas. Using promo code. Tosh, this show is making you money. Wow. When you hear me say that that Mint Mobile plans are only 15 bucks a month, I know you're wondering what's the catch? And I get it. $15 a month sounds less like a wireless plan and more like the change you'd find in your couch cushions back when that was a thing. But our resident Mint Mobile fanboy John can confirm. John, is there a catch?

[Ed]

No catch.

[Dan Tosh]

There's no catch. No gimmicks, no gotchas. Just unlimited talk text data, fast reliable coverage on the nation's largest 5G network and an award winning care team. Mint Mobile took what's wrong with wireless and made it right with Premium Wireless. For 15 bucks a month you can choose from 3 to 6 to 12 month plans and say goodbye to a monthly bill. Ditch overpriced wireless With Mint Mobile it's so easy. Sign up online and get three months of premium wireless service for 15 bucks a month. To get your new wireless plan for just 15 bucks a month, go to mintmobile.comtosh that's mint mobile.comtosh Cut your wireless bill to 15 bucks a month at mint mobile.comtosh that's it. There's no catch. $45 upfront payment required. Equivalent to $15 per month. New customers on first three month plan only. Speeds slower above 40 gigabytes on unlimited plan. Additional taxes fees and restrictions by CMIT Mobile for details. Have you ever actually found anything during the pre flight walk around or are you just giving us something to look at through our tiny windows?

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

No, I found things, yeah, Things that have been more serious than other things and then things that aren't that bad. When I was flying with the regional, the aft equipment bay, you could actually open it up on the aircraft that I was flying for the regional airline. And you have to like stick your head in and look at things. And I looked at that and we had like just water shooting everywhere. So I was like, okay, well we can't go on this thing. So we called.

[Dan Tosh]

Why was water shooting everywhere?

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

The water separator for the packs that pressurize the aircraft. Then it brings the air through the cabin to keep the aircraft pressurized. There's a water separator and they were leaking. They hadn't been like reattached some of the pipes. So it was just everywhere. And so I Had to call a maintenance and have them come out and fix it. And they were like, good catch. And I was like, what do you mean, good catch? There's water everywhere. How would I miss that?

[Dan Tosh]

What do you have to do the. Do you have to do that walk

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

around before every flight? We'd always do pre flight.

[Dan Tosh]

Yeah, right. You do, but you're not on the clock, correct?

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

Correct.

[Dan Tosh]

So you're not getting paid for that walk around.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

No, but. So we get paid like a duty time. So the second you're supposed to report, you get like a dollar an hour or something like that. But then when you are brakes release, door close, that's when you're like, block time. And you get paid for block time.

[Dan Tosh]

Do long flights. Do you get paid more for like incredibly long flights?

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

You get paid for block time.

[Dan Tosh]

Right, But I'm saying, like, I don't know, there's not an incentive financially to take these.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

The more you fly, the more you get paid.

[Dan Tosh]

I get that. I'm just trying. I was just wondering if there is

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

a limit to how much we can fly every month. So it's like 100 hours in block time every like 28 days.

[Dan Tosh]

You ever do the like, date line cross, like going down to Australia?

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

No. So my plane doesn't go that far. But the furthest west I've gone would be the west Coast. Furthest east I've gone would be Bermuda. Furthest south I've gone would be Columbia. And then everything in between.

[Dan Tosh]

You fly up to Tahoe ever?

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

I fly. I was in Reno two weeks ago. Yeah.

[Dan Tosh]

Okay. Now, have you ever flown into the smaller airport Truckee? No, it's at altitude.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

Okay.

[Dan Tosh]

Why is landing in altitude and taking off in altitude trickier than other places?

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

The air is thinner, so why does

[Dan Tosh]

that make it trickier? There's not just a button you can press to calculate that.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

Well, we do math equations. Like we computerize things and we have you take off the different flap settings to get more lift and the air is thinner, so there's less air flowing over the wings to give you the lift to get off the ground. That's why high density altitude airports are trickier. And. And you might take off with the bleeds off as well. So instead of the air going into the aircraft and like pressurizing it, you keep the APU running so that all the air from the engines is going through the engines to give you more performance.

[Dan Tosh]

Okay. But you know all this just off the top of your head.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

So I don't know, off the top of my Head. We have to do calculations.

[Dan Tosh]

Okay. All right.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

Yeah.

[Dan Tosh]

So it just does. It involves a little more work.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

Yes.

[Dan Tosh]

Pilots need to have a little more experience for these things.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

Not necessarily experience, just training. You just.

[Dan Tosh]

I want experience. You're always looking out for the younger.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

The captain always has more experience than the first officer. It's like a seniority thing. So if I haven't done it before, the guy but next to me definitely has.

[Dan Tosh]

You sit on the right.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

I do.

[Dan Tosh]

Okay. And what's the youngest captain seat person?

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

So it's based on seniority. So I mean, if you get hired by the airline when you're 23 and then you do a year in the right seat, get your hours, you can switch the left seat if there's a spot. But it's seniority based.

[Dan Tosh]

Are you looking to switch over? Is that always the goal?

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

I'm gonna switch planes first. So I'll do a different Couple different planes, go different places, learn from the older guys. And then once I've got some more experience, then I'll switch the left side.

[Dan Tosh]

What's your plane of choice?

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

Right now I'd like to go wide body, which is a larger. Like longer flights. But I've been on the 73 for two years now. I'll probably finish out this year on that and then switch something bigger.

[Dan Tosh]

Could you fly a helicopter in a pinch? You sure?

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

Yeah.

[Dan Tosh]

I couldn't talk you through it?

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

Nope.

[Dan Tosh]

If I knew how to fly a

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

helicopter, I mean, if I was with an instructor and I did lessons, maybe I'd have to study it before. But I can't just hop in and go.

[Dan Tosh]

I think you can. You really know what all those buttons and switches do?

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

Yeah. Such a stupid question.

[Ed]

Good question.

[Dan Tosh]

Are all of the new planes, are they actual knobs and buttons now or is it all.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

They're going more towards touch screens? That's like a discussion that's happening right now.

[Dan Tosh]

But does that bother you or.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

No, I don't care.

[Dan Tosh]

You don't care?

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

As long as it works, yeah.

[Dan Tosh]

That's a big plus.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

Yeah.

[Dan Tosh]

As long as you don't have to do a software update mid flight.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

Yeah, exactly.

[Dan Tosh]

Is taking off or landing more dangerous?

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

More dangerous?

[Dan Tosh]

Yep. What's more likely? A bad outcome?

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

So if you're coming into land and you don't like it, looks uncomfortable, looks unstable or something like that, you can do a go around and come back and try it again, reset up, configure properly, do all that. I guess takeoffs could be more dangerous.

[Dan Tosh]

It's what I've always Told I travel with the same group of people so many times. Pete's wife, she's a wreck.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

Yeah.

[Dan Tosh]

My friend Danny, complete wreck, always. But I always just say, if we survive the first minute and a half, we're probably good guys.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

The trickiest thing we do in training is probably v1 cuts. So that's when you get to the point where you're committed to taking off and an engine fails. You have to be able to do the procedure to get out and successfully.

[Dan Tosh]

Like, so once you're past that point,

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

once you're in the air, you're usually pretty good.

[Dan Tosh]

Yeah. Okay. Well, that's good to hear. Well, that brings me to another question. Okay. I'm on a plane. Both pilots, whatever. They're gone. They're gone? Yes. Let's just. Let's make it simple. I, with no experience, never wanted to learn. Can I land this plane?

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

If you could use the radios and talk to someone on the ground that knew what they were doing, maybe.

[Dan Tosh]

Maybe. What are my odds?

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

I don't know. The Mythbusters did that before.

[Dan Tosh]

Did they? What they say?

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

They said that if you didn't have any training at all, they didn't do well. But if they had the radios on and they were talking to a guy on the ground that knows the plane really well, he could walk them through the steps, and they had a much better chance of.

[Dan Tosh]

Much better. Like 100 or much better? Like 60?

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

Like, call it 80, I guess. I don't remember what the statistics were. They did it, though.

[Dan Tosh]

80s. Nice, easy guy. Yeah, we're fine. I tell people to keep partying in the back if it's 80. What about the one movie? What's the movie with what's his name? Had to do the cocaine, and he like flight Denzel.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

Never seen it. You never saw it?

[Dan Tosh]

You've never had to do a little cocaine to balance yourself out?

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

Never.

[Dan Tosh]

Okay, that's good. It's good.

[Ed]

It seems good.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

Well, I get drug tested at work, so.

[Dan Tosh]

How often do you get drug tested?

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

It's random. So you could go months without it, and then it could be twice in a week.

[Dan Tosh]

What time of year would you be most worried about a drug test?

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

I'm never worried about it. Test me whenever you want.

[Dan Tosh]

You're not a drug person?

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

No.

[Dan Tosh]

Were you ever. No. High school, I went through a little phase.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

Started flying when I was 18. I never had the chance.

[Dan Tosh]

And that's. Maybe that's what I do with my kids. Force them to be pilots.

[Ed]

Makes sense. Something where you can't experience dabble in that.

[Dan Tosh]

That'll be a fun thing to say at their eulogy where I was like, they weren't addicted to drugs, but I forced them into being a pilot. And they were horrible at math. The crosswind got them. What about the old days? You miss the old days as a commercial pilot where the little kids could come up there and sit on the creepy pilot's lap? Do they still do that or. No, they don't do that.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

No. We can't have anybody in the flight deck.

[Dan Tosh]

That would be the ultimate hijacking. If we could program little children.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

Jesus.

[Ed]

Like a little 9 11. Like a tiny 9 11.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

I wish that we could bring people up there just because, like, I'd love, you know, my wife to see me at work. You know what I mean? Because, like, no one's ever actually seen me up there.

[Dan Tosh]

Oh, so you might not be a pilot because Lord knows we didn't do any checks.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

That's true. I was actually wondering that if they guys were to background check me or ask for an idea ID or something. And you didn't never ask.

[Dan Tosh]

Have you flown your wife on. On a small excess or anything?

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

No, but she was on a. One of my regional flights.

[Dan Tosh]

She got on on purpose. Is that how you guys met? Was it immediate?

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

No, it was. We met through friends.

[Dan Tosh]

I like the idea of you meeting on. Do you. Do you do the announcements?

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

No, the first announcement is the captain. So when I was in the regional airline, I did the first announcement. And then when we're in the flight, there's one person flying and there's one person monitoring. And the purse, the pilot monitoring is one that does all, like the seatbelt signs and stuff like that.

[Dan Tosh]

Your wife is there. Is there a flight attendant that she says, you know what, let's make sure your schedules don't overlap anymore?

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

No, no.

[Dan Tosh]

I mean, that's always been the tell. Pilots have always been considered cheaters. Am I right? Has that rep that that was a rumor or not a rumor?

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

Well, things are different.

[Dan Tosh]

That was a stereotype.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

Like, so now I think back in the day, it was flight attendants and pilots would travel a lot more together.

[Dan Tosh]

A team.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

Yeah. This will crew. But these days, these days it's a lot different. I might have a crew of four flight attendants for one flight. And then the very next flight, the captain and I, the pilot, other flight pilot I fly with, we'll go to a different flight, and then those flight attendants will go to a different flight. You don't really do a lot of overlap. And then they have different Rest requirements that they have to comply with. And we have different rest requirements, so we're in different hotels. There's very little overlap.

[Dan Tosh]

Now, talk about how many Hyatt points you have.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

I don't have any. The company has quite a few they don't get to.

[Dan Tosh]

You don't get to collect the points on any of your hotels.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

Some places will give you, like, a night stay credit, so that will go towards, like, your diamond membership or something like that because you get a night stay. But not every place does that. Only a few.

[Dan Tosh]

What about clothes? How much clothes are you bringing?

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

I usually pack, like, for four or five days worth of clothes.

[Dan Tosh]

How many suits do you guys have?

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

What do you mean suits?

[Dan Tosh]

Whatever. Uniforms. Whatever you want.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

As far as, like A1 for primary and then a backup.

[Dan Tosh]

A backup? Yeah. Are you doing underwear laundry in the sink at your hotels? All right. I don't know.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

I pack enough of that so that I can change it every day and be fresh.

[Dan Tosh]

The answer was.

[Ed]

He's like, no.

[Dan Tosh]

You work out in the gym. You work out in the hotel gyms.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

I run a lot on treadmills. No.

[Dan Tosh]

You go out into the world, do you pack your own food? Food? Or do you. Do you eat the same gross stu that people in the back of the plane are eating?

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

I eat with the.

[Dan Tosh]

You choke it down. Can a pilot have a cool duffel bag, or do you have to have one of those dumb briefcase rollerboards?

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

There's a company that pretty much everyone gets their same suitcase from, but if

[Dan Tosh]

you wanted to be like, this cool pilot with a duffel.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

I think they say in the manual it has to be black, but it doesn't say what brand or what type of suitcase it has to be.

[Dan Tosh]

Yeah, I want a. The pilot coming in quick with a duffel bag. You're like, whoa, look at this guy.

[Ed]

Never seen this before.

[Dan Tosh]

Does the sun get in your eye? Does that bother you?

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

Yeah.

[Dan Tosh]

Do you close up your window? What do you do?

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

Sunglasses?

[Dan Tosh]

You just do sun. Do you have to use aviators?

[Ed]

No,

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

I have a couple pairs of aviators.

[Dan Tosh]

Do people buy you aviators?

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

No, they're too expensive.

[Dan Tosh]

Are there windshield wipers?

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

Yeah, you use them when it's raining.

[Dan Tosh]

Oh, you know that everyone that's in an emergency ex row isn't going to help anyone on the plane, right?

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

They said they would. Required to.

[Dan Tosh]

Can. You are required to. So could. Could that come back into, like, a lawsuit against that person for not assisting people on the plane?

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

I don't deal with lawsuits. That's not my department.

[Dan Tosh]

Well, I know you don't, but I'm just saying in theory. You're saying that they agree.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

Well, before every flight, before you close the flight attendants close the door, the flight attendants have to ask passengers in an exit row are they willing and able to help in the event of an emergency. And they are required to say yes. And if they are not like willing and able, then they'll switch to a different seat and they find someone that will. So they all say that they will help.

[Dan Tosh]

I mean, I say a lot of things. For an extra four inches of legroom. How tall are you?

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

Five' nine.

[Dan Tosh]

Is there a height sweet spot for being a pilot? No.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

We can. Our seats are very adjustable and so are the rudder pedals.

[Dan Tosh]

You could be six, six and it could be comfortable in there.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

I've flown with guys that are very tall.

[Dan Tosh]

Kareem Abdul Jabbar.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

All right, well, that's why he had the autopilot.

[Dan Tosh]

That's Roger Murdoch. Uh huh. How much autopilot do you use during an average flight across the country?

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

I'll take off and hand fly up to like 18,000 and then probably turn the autopilot on around there. Sometimes go a little higher. Just depends on what the weather's like. If it's annoying that I'll turn it on a little earlier.

[Dan Tosh]

By the way, are you watching you watching games up there when you're on autopilot?

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

No.

[Dan Tosh]

Are you allowed to now? Okay, well then I should have asked that first.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

No, we're busy up there.

[Dan Tosh]

Well, not. You're not busy all the time.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

Not constantly, but we are doing things like we're not just sitting there doing nothing.

[Dan Tosh]

Is AI coming for your job?

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

I don't think so. Would you want an AI pilot to fly you and your family?

[Dan Tosh]

Is my flight $10 cheaper?

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

That's interesting way to think of it.

[Dan Tosh]

I was trying to pretend to be people, people that shop for stuff like that. I'm like, my in laws. Sometimes I'll be like, hey, I handle their travel now. They fly a direct flight across the country and I put them in business class.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

Okay.

[Dan Tosh]

When I let them book tickets, they'll be like, well, we've got two layovers in Minneapolis. I'm like, what are you guys doing? Well, it was $30 cheaper. I'm like, you only have like three more laps around the sun left. What are you doing? Have you ever had a hog tie a disgruntled passenger?

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

No, I don't have any rope.

[Dan Tosh]

Well, I don't know, it seems like craziness is going To. This brings me back to the other thing in your little spiel. Do you go for comedy or do you go for this new speech that a lot of them are doing about, hey, can we all be kind to each other because things have gone off the rails in the past few years.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

I don't do either.

[Dan Tosh]

You don't do either? You stick to the basics.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

Yeah, basics, yeah, that's fine. Cause every time I do an announcement, it, like, interrupts the screens and the TVs and everything. So when I'm a passenger and they kind of like, talk forever, I'm like, wrap it up. I'm trying to watch this show.

[Dan Tosh]

Okay?

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

So good for you.

[Dan Tosh]

Good for you for knowing that when

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

I do the announcements, I try to keep it short and concise.

[Dan Tosh]

The delays, inevitable. Most of them are out of your hand. Some of them. Oh, there's not water in one of the toilets. Let's go. Let's just take off. Don't tell me I have to. There's a law that says we have to have both toilets working, regardless. That's not it. Here's my complaint.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

You have toilets that don't work on your private jets?

[Dan Tosh]

Sometimes, you know we do. No, don't flush.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

Okay.

[Dan Tosh]

Okay.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

Wow.

[Dan Tosh]

Okay, well, that's fine. It's a. That's not. Don't. You're not gonna trick me.

[Ed]

I don't.

[Dan Tosh]

My. My thing with delays is the increments. Like, just tell me, hey, this might be. This might stumble into hours, guys, where I'm going to give you an update every 15 to 30 minutes. This is what we know now, but just that whole. Oh, it's. We got a 30 minute delay and then 35 minutes later, you come on, we're gonna have another 30. That's where I just start getting furious.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

Oh, I don't control that.

[Dan Tosh]

Yes, you do. Just you, you know, ahead of time. If it's gonna be an hour and a half or two hours, not all the time. Well, on that one time that you do make an announcement, let us know that it could be a long time.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

All right.

[Dan Tosh]

Is a bad stomach a deal breaker for being a pilot?

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

No.

[Dan Tosh]

No.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

Why? Do you have a bad stomach? Yes.

[Dan Tosh]

I've always thought there's just no way.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

Yeah, you can take medication.

[Dan Tosh]

Yeah, I can go right through medication then.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

Maybe not for you.

[Dan Tosh]

I've been. I've been in the bathroom of a plane that's been trying to, like, we can't leave yet. There's someone in the bathroom.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

You're one of those guys.

[Dan Tosh]

I'm not one of those guys.

[Ed]

One of those guys.

[Dan Tosh]

I'm labeled.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

You've been in.

[Dan Tosh]

It Happened One time.

[Ed]

One of those guys.

[Dan Tosh]

Oh, it happened one time. And I was like, I wouldn't. What do you want me to do? Shit.

[Ed]

Let's go.

[Dan Tosh]

What are you supposed to do if the seatbelt sign is on but you have to go, that's your call. Okay. You can't give you a.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

Get up and go to the bathroom, and then we hit turbulence and you are hurt. We had the seatbelt sign on. We told you not to get up.

[Dan Tosh]

Okay, that's fine. Okay. If you're just covering your ass, but I'm trying to cover the, you know, everyone else's comfort for the. The whole flight. On average, how many consecutive flights will a 737 fly before it's taken out of service for maintenance?

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

I don't know. The average. It changes so much. But we get maintenance all the time. Like, in between flights, they have come on and do things. Maybe not major like changes to maintenance, but just fixing little things or something's broken. They can check it, test it. We have a minimum equipment list, and if something is on that list that can be broken and we can still safely fly the aircraft, then they'll just write it up and fix it when they can to prevent the flights from being delayed.

[Dan Tosh]

Are you encouraged as a commercial pilot to turn a blind eye just to keep things going? I thought I could trick him with by casually saying it.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

Yeah, yeah. No.

[Dan Tosh]

How about emergency landings because of something that's happened on the plane? Whether it's medical or.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

Yeah, I've had a couple of those.

[Dan Tosh]

Yeah. And what do you do? You just close this airport. Here we go.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

Depends on the situation. I had a gear issue, so we declared an emergency, ran the checklist, went back to the airport. We took off out of. Oh.

[Dan Tosh]

Nothing infuriates a group of people more than doing that. Loop back, probably. At least. At least closer. Go to a different airport. That's what I say.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

Yeah.

[Dan Tosh]

Can a geese take down your bird?

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

Well, that was what Sully happened. What happened to Sully?

[Dan Tosh]

That was a geese.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

I don't know if it was a geese. A goose, but it was birds. It was birds. Yeah.

[Dan Tosh]

Do you try to avoid birds? If you see birds, you try to. What do you.

[Ed]

You just, like, just kind of tilt a little bit.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

I mean, they report. I'm so dumb. They. If someone's coming into land and then there are birds right there, then they'll report to ATC and they'll be like, Be advised, when you're coming in, there's birds.

[Dan Tosh]

What does that warning do?

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

By the time I get there, they're usually gone.

[Dan Tosh]

You need to hire a falconer. I got a guy. Yeah, I got a guy. He'll get rid of those birds. Could have you landed in the Hudson River. Could have you pulled off the Sully.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

I'd like to think that I could have.

[Dan Tosh]

You think people were tooting his horn a little too hard? No.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

No. That was an incredible accomplishment. But it's not like you practice that.

[Dan Tosh]

If a jet goes down, what's the best way to survive? Pete back there, the things that he does on a plane is just baffling to me.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

Don't take your shoes off.

[Dan Tosh]

He always keeps his shoes on.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

Yeah, you should.

[Dan Tosh]

I take my shoes off immediately. But he keeps his shoes. He wants to be laced up. He wants everything to be like. Like he's.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

Just in case.

[Dan Tosh]

Yes, he's ready. He's always in, like mode. He's. He's got the shoulder strap over.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

He should be the one in the emergency exit row then.

[Dan Tosh]

No, I. I don't. We. He gets whatever seat we give him,

[Ed]

but it's kind of big.

[Dan Tosh]

He's big. Okay. But anyway. What? Is there anything that you should do extra besides keeping your shoes on? You're. You're saying shoes on.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

Don't take your bag. Leave the bags behind. If there's an emergency. Do not take your bags.

[Dan Tosh]

Okay, you say that, but what if you're going to an island all of a sudden? Oh, my bag had tons of great stuff.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

They'll be.

[Dan Tosh]

No, you fine. Stuff, my ass.

[Ed]

You're not going to find crystal like that.

[Dan Tosh]

My phone. I could have just somebody and left. Are you on a simulator?

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

I go to the simulator every nine months.

[Dan Tosh]

Is it required? Yep. I didn't. Be honest with you. I didn't even. I wasn't even sure I had Flight simulator on my. My first computer. Yeah, the game.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

These are a little bit more okay.

[Dan Tosh]

But this one was pretty complicated. I never was good at it. I could never do anything other than like take off, fly a bit, and then I would just like purposely crash.

[Ed]

My brother flew around the world and logged it.

[Dan Tosh]

Your brother's such a nerd. Good God.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

Interesting hat and everything.

[Dan Tosh]

He got a hat. What's next for aviation too? What's the future? Are we supposed to just go faster or is it just more fuel efficient?

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

They're talking about doing the Concord plane was so fuel inefficient. That's why they got rid of It. So if they can develop a plane that can go that fast again and be more fuel efficient, then you'll get places faster.

[Dan Tosh]

What about just breaking the whole solar system? That solar system? No. Curious about that. Just going out of the atmosphere.

[Ed]

Just.

[Dan Tosh]

Just a touch.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

Is that you'd need, like, heat panels and stuff like this space shuttle, because you're coming back in.

[Dan Tosh]

I know about those tiles. You don't want to have a bad tile. I remember that.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

Yeah. That's a pretty basic thing.

[Dan Tosh]

All right, so we're not. Okay, that's not happening anytime soon.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

Maybe going supersonic. It'd be more likely than going outside the atmosphere.

[Dan Tosh]

How fast is supersonic?

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

It's faster than the speed of sound.

[Dan Tosh]

No. Miles per hour. Five degrees.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

It changes based on the altitude.

[Ed]

Oh, I hate that.

[Dan Tosh]

Gosh, you have to be.

[Ed]

We're dumb.

[Dan Tosh]

We gotta say, like, it changes based on the altitude.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

Yeah.

[Dan Tosh]

Now, commercial airlines, you fly at what elevation? Like 35.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

So usually between 30 and 40. But if it's turbulent in the 30s, then you might go down to the 20s.

[Dan Tosh]

How far out can you see turbulence?

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

Well, we don't see it, but you

[Dan Tosh]

know what I mean.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

We're always talking to atc, and so if we're in turbulence, we'll say, like, hey, how are the rides ahead? And they'll ask somebody that's further ahead of you, go in the same direction, and they'll say like, oh, their ride is bumpy. Their ride is.

[Dan Tosh]

That's how you're picking. That's how we have.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

We have apps as well.

[Dan Tosh]

Well, it's basically like this. Your traffic on your phone. Like, hey, is there still an accident here? Hit.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

Yes. Yeah, we have apps that can do that too.

[Dan Tosh]

Why can private fly so much higher?

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

Because they're lighter.

[Dan Tosh]

I like it when the answers are so simple.

[Ed]

That's a great answer.

[Dan Tosh]

You think I would have had one conversation?

[Ed]

I guess we have never.

[Dan Tosh]

I'm always like, why are we at 55,000? It seems real high. Is there beef between pilots and air traffic controllers?

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

No, same team. We're always trying to do everything safely.

[Dan Tosh]

Do you fantasize what they look like?

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

I've never. I've met a few. Yes, but not, like, at work. Like, there'll be like, an air show or something. And you're talking to them and then you meet them. But, like.

[Dan Tosh]

Like, have you talked to somebody many, multiple times? Like, oh, I'm curious.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

Yeah. You fly. You have a hub, right. Where you're based. So I'm based in New York. In and out of there, you'll hear a lot of the same guys. Women as well. Just because they're doing their job. We're doing our job.

[Dan Tosh]

Are they stressed out?

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

Depends on the.

[Dan Tosh]

Did you like pushing tin.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

I don't know.

[Dan Tosh]

Billy Bob Thornton. It was where he met Angelina Jolie and John Cusack. A little sex dynamic.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

Everything about that says it's before my time.

[Dan Tosh]

Pushing 10. Oh, you got to watch pushing 10. It was all about. It was all about air traffic controls and how stressful it is. The most stressful job in the world. They're all suicidal.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

Well, I wouldn't say that, but.

[Dan Tosh]

No, the movie did.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

Okay.

[Dan Tosh]

This isn't. This isn't fact.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

Okay. They're trying to stir some drama.

[Dan Tosh]

Oh. It was very. It was in. The sexual tension in that movie was unbelievable. What are your thoughts on people traveling with pets?

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

As long as they're the service animals, they have to be, like, approved.

[Dan Tosh]

I mean, it used to be I was back in the day when I had small dogs.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

Yeah.

[Dan Tosh]

You know, we would all cheat the paperwork so easily. People would never ask you questions. Now I think there's a little bit more.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

Yeah.

[Dan Tosh]

Now they're getting a little better.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

Well, I think people were bringing on, like, service pigeons and, like, Riff Raff. I don't know.

[Dan Tosh]

You can't have a service pigeon.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

Yeah. There's.

[Dan Tosh]

What service do they provide?

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

All sorts of animals that were, like, they were trying to sneak on as a service animal. And then someone eventually just said, no more of that.

[Dan Tosh]

Do you think in our lifetime, we're going to see a female pilot?

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

There are many female pilots right now.

[Dan Tosh]

Oh, that's. That's interesting.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

And I have flown with them, and they are excellent.

[Dan Tosh]

What percentage of commercial pilots are female?

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

Not a high percentage. I'd say a low percentage.

[Dan Tosh]

Okay. I can only think of it one time. I had both two female pilots.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

Okay.

[Dan Tosh]

And I was like, all right. And they were Both well under 30. And I was like, oh, this is great. I loved it.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

Yeah.

[Dan Tosh]

But then my old tour manager at the time.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

Yeah.

[Dan Tosh]

Not with me. Asked one of them, like, a question, clearly talking to her as if she was the flight attendant. And I was like, bro. And I just. The whole flight, we just kept bringing it up. I was making them aware that I was aware of his behavior and it was not to be tolerated. But I did watch some of the guys that were working at the airport looking at me going, ooh, good luck, buddy.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

But those guys, they wouldn't be there if they weren't qualified.

[Dan Tosh]

No. That's what I said I had no issue with it. I mean, it was probably one of the worst flights I was ever on, though. No, I'm kidding. Is it really true that pilots have to retire at 65?

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

Yep. Legal, federally required?

[Dan Tosh]

It's required, but let's go through. Did you know that There are over 200 members of Congress over the age of 65?

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

Yeah.

[Dan Tosh]

24 members are over 80. Chuck Grassley's fucking 92.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

Yeah.

[Dan Tosh]

Can you legally marry at 3,000ft? Are you like a boat captain?

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

I don't think so. No. I don't have that authority.

[Dan Tosh]

There's not like airtime law?

[Ed]

No airtime law.

[Dan Tosh]

Why is deicing so expensive?

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

Because they use so much of it.

[Dan Tosh]

Probably one time they didn't have a deicer. So my guys just went and bought a bunch of bottles of antifreeze from the hardware store and just started pouring it over the wings. And then luckily I wasn't on that flight. My family was. And I was sending them away and I was like, I don't fucking give a shit if that works.

[Ed]

That would work though, right? It did work.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

I wouldn't do it.

[Dan Tosh]

Oh, that's what they did.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

Yeah.

[Dan Tosh]

I swear to you.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

That's why I don't fly private.

[Ed]

Yeah, they're kind of loosey goosey.

[Dan Tosh]

They were loosey goosey.

[Ed]

Has anybody ever landed in the wrong city?

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

I don't think anyone's landed in the wrong city because you should know where you're going. But maybe taking the wrong plane, like you.

[Dan Tosh]

Oh, you've boarded the wrong plane.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

You boarding the wrong plane? I haven't done it, but it has happened.

[Dan Tosh]

I flew to the wrong city as an 18 year old once.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

Didn't they stop you?

[Dan Tosh]

Nope. And I yelled at somebody for being in my seat and they got up and moved. So I'm sorry. And. And then I went to. I was supposed to be in New York. I went to Chicago.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

I was like, what year was that?

[Dan Tosh]

It was 1994. I went to Chicago Midway. And I was supposed to go. I was supposed to go to Newark.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

Yeah.

[Dan Tosh]

And I didn't. I was scared when I landed.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

That's why when they had paper tickets, they weren't.

[Dan Tosh]

Yes, I of course, had a paper ticket.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

Yeah. Yeah, that was. I was.

[Dan Tosh]

You can still have a paper ticket now. Okay. If you want to print it out, that's correct. How dare you.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

Yeah, that's true.

[Dan Tosh]

We'll be right back. This episode of Tosh show is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Do you ever find yourself playing the budgeting game? Well, with the name your price tool from Progressive, you can find options that fit your budget and. And potentially lower your bills. Try [e-mail] Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates. Price and coverage match limited by state law. Not available in all states. What about the Vomit Comet? You ever have a desire to be a pilot on that thing?

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

I do it once.

[Dan Tosh]

You would pilot it once?

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

I would go in the back and the front.

[Dan Tosh]

You do it both?

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

Yeah, I do, once.

[Dan Tosh]

So you'd be interested.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

Yeah. I'm not opposed.

[Dan Tosh]

I mean, it seems just horrible.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

Yeah, probably.

[Dan Tosh]

Have you ever wanted to do it to your. Your ride?

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

No.

[Dan Tosh]

Let your. Let your passengers feel weightlessness for a bit. Now, how long would you have to drop it before you needed to yank up?

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

A couple seconds.

[Dan Tosh]

Oh, man, that'd be fun. By the way, stunt racing, like when you see, like, Red Bull.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

Red Bull, Yeah.

[Dan Tosh]

Have you. Is that interesting to you?

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

If I could, yeah, I would do that.

[Dan Tosh]

Yeah. And those planes are all tricked out like freestyle planes.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

Aerobatic flying is what they do, and they do, like, different maneuvers and stuff like that. And if I had the opportunity to, I probably would.

[Dan Tosh]

Have you ever wanted to stand on the wing of a commercial flight while flying?

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

No.

[Dan Tosh]

Can they harness you in out there? Wouldn't that be a cool promotion?

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

That would be a short promotion.

[Dan Tosh]

Are you a member of the mile High club now? And by the way, how do you become a member? Is there, like, different tiers, like a platinum versus, like, a gold platinum? What about just. What about just some smooching on a plane? Does that get you anything? Northwest. I had one flight where I saw a girl on the plane, moved over to her seat, and by the end of the flight, we were dating.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

Really?

[Dan Tosh]

Yeah. For a while. Like six months. It was.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

I was like, oh, did she know you or you.

[Dan Tosh]

No, no, no, no. This is pre. Anything. No, no, this is. This is back in the. This is. You know, I was in the. I was in coach, for God's sakes.

[Ed]

The old Daniel Dazzle.

[Dan Tosh]

The amount of time you spend in an airport.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

Yeah.

[Dan Tosh]

A place that gives a lot of us just extreme anxiety. Are you just completely comfortable walking through there?

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

I'm numb to it, I'd say.

[Dan Tosh]

Okay.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

Like, the.

[Dan Tosh]

The security lines, the people seeing panic, frustration. None of that rubs off on you?

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

No, I usually have headphones on.

[Dan Tosh]

You wear earbuds?

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

No, just the headphones.

[Dan Tosh]

Wireless.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

Yeah.

[Dan Tosh]

Okay.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

Yeah.

[Dan Tosh]

I didn't know if you were one of these people, like, worried about the Bluetooth. How much time do you spend at Hudson News A disgusting amount of time.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

I'm there every day pretty much.

[Dan Tosh]

That's so funny. When you have time off, do you want to travel or do you want to stay home with your family?

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

I stay home. Yeah. I like.

[Dan Tosh]

You don't want. You don't want. Look, we can fly for free. So let's go to.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

I used to, when I like when I was younger and single and I wasn't too worried about what my at that time, girlfriend was doing, I would go travel. I'd go to concerts and do things like that. But now that I have a wife and other things at home going on, I have to stay home more often.

[Dan Tosh]

You're about to be a father. Are you excited?

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

Yes.

[Dan Tosh]

Is this your first?

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

First? Yeah.

[Dan Tosh]

Good for you.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

Yeah.

[Dan Tosh]

Your life is gonna suck after that. Are you gonna take paternity leave like these little pussy fathers?

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

I'm working. I'.

[Dan Tosh]

It. You're gonna work through it.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

She gets time off. She gets six months and then my parents live three minutes away so they can help out.

[Dan Tosh]

Okay.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

And I'll.

[Dan Tosh]

You should still. Still try to be around a little bit extra.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

Okay.

[Dan Tosh]

Okay.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

If you say so.

[Dan Tosh]

She's gonna be mean.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

Yeah.

[Dan Tosh]

She's gonna go through some stuff. Her organs are moving around. It gets ugly for a bit. Some people. Some people are great.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

She's doing great. She's great right now.

[Dan Tosh]

Okay.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

She looks great, she feels great. She's doing.

[Dan Tosh]

Let me know when she gets her first clogged duck.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

I don't know what that means.

[Dan Tosh]

Yeah, exactly. You're on the floor.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

Yeah.

[Dan Tosh]

Trying to unclog it. And she's screaming. And then you get a mouth full. Milk. It's awful. What's.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

Yeah, I'll call you. It's a beautiful thing. I think I have John's number.

[Dan Tosh]

Call us. What do you like to do for fun outside of flying?

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

I'll golf. And my buddy has a sailboat. Trying to sail a little bit.

[Dan Tosh]

You do you sail?

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

I'm not good. Not well. And then I snowboard in the winter if I can.

[Dan Tosh]

He does. He does all the things. I mean all the cool things.

[Ed]

Fun.

[Dan Tosh]

It seems like a Viagra commercial. Everybody that's on the show gets a gift. Okay. It's just stuff that's laying around my house. The first thing I'm giving you is a three pack of Calvin Klein. I buy these in bulk and I just, you know, because my father in law, I took a trip with him recently. He came on tour with me. We flew up to Montana and it came up that he only had brought one pair of underwear, and I was like. He's like, well, I'm not dirty. I'm like, what? We've been here for three days. Anyway, I've always got extra underwear running around the house. And I worry that when you're traveling that you might not have an extra clean pair. So you got that.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

Thank you.

[Dan Tosh]

You're not going to know the reference, but this is from Aspen, by the way. A great altitude airport. Flying into Aspen is just terrifying.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

It's gorgeous.

[Dan Tosh]

And 50% of the flights are canceled. Oh, the wind just got up to 40 miles an hour. No one's flying or whatever it is. But this is where I perform there. The Opera House theater there. But I also gave you this water cooler because of. What's the TV show? Hijack. Did you see Hijack on Apple TV now? Well, whatever. The co pilot bashes the captain's head with a water cooler and saves. Saves a life.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

Interesting.

[Dan Tosh]

You're going to want that. Do you keep stuff from hotels or.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

No, not necessarily hotels. I collect shot glasses.

[Dan Tosh]

Oh, I don't have shot glasses. I have toothpaste. The Marvis toothpaste. Do you like Marvis toothpaste?

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

I don't think I've ever tried it.

[Dan Tosh]

Okay. You're going to love it. The problem is it's doesn't have fluoride in it, so it's not.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

And it's like vip.

[Dan Tosh]

Yes.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

Yeah. Okay.

[Dan Tosh]

It's like nicer hotels.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

Yeah.

[Dan Tosh]

Speaking of nicer hotels, I have all these Aesop travel pouches. These are good face creams. Things like that. Who knows? You know, maybe your wife wants. If you don't want it, but. Yeah, you're gonna love those. This. You need just. Just. It's a little tiny baby Jesus. He can be your co pilot. I just. You put this on. Just. And then make sure. Especially if you're flying with somebody that you've never flown with, just be like, hey, this has to stay here. I've never flown.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

I'll do that tonight. I'll send you the picture.

[Ed]

Take some gum out of your mouth. Stick it on and put him into it.

[Dan Tosh]

Yeah, chewing gum. You got a cool duffel bag. You put your gum down like, look at this. Rockstar pilot. Okay, here's a pair of earbuds. But you don't go in here.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

No.

[Dan Tosh]

So you just have to give those to somebody.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

All right.

[Dan Tosh]

Okay. You probably have to pop off the rubber thing and put a new one on it. If the person is germaphobic, do you let people know that you're a commercial pilot, like in social settings?

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

Not really, because I feel like people

[Dan Tosh]

might want to vent to you a little bit.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

If someone asks me what I do and I say I'm a pilot, and they'll say, what airline? And I usually won't say because every time they're either going to say, I love that airline and blah, blah, blah, or they'll say, I hate that airline. They'll tell me some experiences that they've had, like 10 years ago.

[Dan Tosh]

You don't care about it? I don't care. That's like being a poker dealer and somebody wants to share their bad beat story. Nobody. Are you a gambler?

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

Occasionally. I'll sports bet.

[Dan Tosh]

I don't want to hear about your vices. How long do you want to go on with this profession?

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

I mean, I don't know if I want to go all the way to 65, but probably late 50s, early 60s.

[Dan Tosh]

Doing just commercial or just in general?

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

Just commercial.

[Dan Tosh]

But you'll fly forever then?

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

Probably.

[Dan Tosh]

Will you buy your own plane?

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

Nah, I don't know. I don't know. I was talking to a guy the other day who did that, and he had. There's a lot of maintenance involved, and it was kind of a money pit. So I was like.

[Dan Tosh]

I mean, certainly some. Like, a smaller plane doesn't have to be that bad.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

You'd be surprised.

[Dan Tosh]

Even, like, a little single prop.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

There's a lot of maintenance involved with

[Dan Tosh]

aircraft you don't have. If it's yours, you don't have to keep it up.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

Yeah, true.

[Dan Tosh]

Thank you.

[Ed]

True.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

Thank you, I guess. Yeah. I wouldn't want to fly it, though.

[Dan Tosh]

No, you're fine.

[Ed]

Rent it out.

[Dan Tosh]

You're fine.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

Rent it out.

[Dan Tosh]

I always like it when people have those, like, little Cessnas and they have to tie them down to the Runway

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

where they're parked, the ramp. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Dan Tosh]

Is that just because they'll blow away?

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

Yeah.

[Dan Tosh]

Didn't you.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

There was a video of something in California. This was years ago, but, like, the winds got so bad that the planes were getting lifted because all it takes is air going over the wings to create lift.

[Dan Tosh]

What's the slowest you can be going in the air with a Cessna?

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

You put it in slow flight. You get the aircraft configured for slow flight, and you can do like 35 miles per hour. And if you face into the wind and the wind's like 40s, then you can go backwards.

[Dan Tosh]

You can go backwards.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

I've done that. Yeah.

[Dan Tosh]

Oh, that's the coolest thing I've Heard.

[Ed]

Yeah. Well, maybe you could help. We've been trying to. Where does wind come from?

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

It's the earth spinning.

[Ed]

Is it?

[Dan Tosh]

Yeah, the earth spinning. Oh, it's so good. None of us could figure it out. We've been kind of like.

[Ed]

We've been stuck.

[Dan Tosh]

We like trying to figure out where wind starts. Like.

[Ed]

Like, where does it start?

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

Combination of.

[Dan Tosh]

Wind comes from the earth spinning, and

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

then the sun is heating the earth, and so there's, like, places where it gets warmer and air rises.

[Dan Tosh]

Have you ever had a conversation with a flat earther on a flight?

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

No.

[Dan Tosh]

Are you going to force your child to be a pilot?

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

No. They want to.

[Dan Tosh]

They can teach them how to sail properly. Then you guys can handle all of it. Land. Use it.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

I just need a train person.

[Dan Tosh]

Your wife.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

I wouldn't trust that.

[Dan Tosh]

Just a train. Train. How much work is a train, really?

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

I don't know.

[Dan Tosh]

Unless you're running that Snowpiercer. You remember that one?

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

Yeah, I've seen that one. Yeah.

[Ed]

You've seen Snowpiercer?

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

The only movie you've seen.

[Dan Tosh]

The dumbest out of all movies.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

I've seen one.

[Dan Tosh]

We're all eating rat babies or whatever it was. I don't know.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

Cockroaches in the bars.

[Dan Tosh]

All right, Joe, thank you for being on the show.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

Thank you for having me.

[Dan Tosh]

Appreciate it. Paw Show. I want to thank Joe for being on the show. And Carl. I remembered the questions that I wanted to ask him that I forgot. One was, has anyone ever tried to give him a tip? Paid him a little cash at the end of a flight? That's what I found about tipping. Oh, they don't tip in Europe. Oh, really? Hand people money and say thank you and see if they take it.

[Ed]

Bet you they do.

[Dan Tosh]

They do.

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

Yep.

[Dan Tosh]

Turns out they like tipping. Turns out everyone likes tipping.

[Ed]

Yeah.

[Dan Tosh]

Oh, you know. Oh, it's not in our culture to tip. Okay. Well, it's in mine to give away my money and say thank you. The other question I wanted to ask him, since he doesn't really watch any of the movies, maybe he's big into tv, and I want to know his thoughts on the Mandalorian, because he's really a pilot and he's just flying around the galaxies and his ship's always breaking. He's always having to get it fixed. It's also about being a new father with Grogu.

[Ed]

It's very similar.

[Dan Tosh]

It's. It's basically what he's doing. He's kind of like the Mandalorian, except for he doesn't have a helmet that he can't take off. Also just seems like it would fall off with all these battles that he's doing. Because when he drinks, you see him in season two, he, like, lifts it to drink water in front of Grogu. But if it comes up that easy, surely it's that heavy metal helmet would fall off when you were constantly being thrown to the ground and kicked and everything. But it never has any. Well, let me know, Joe, if you've ever been tipped. They probably have a company policy over at Frontier. Oh, shit. I wasn't supposed to say that. He doesn't fly for Frontier. You kidding me? Wouldn't let him in. Worst airline I've ever flown, I'll tell you. Sun Country.

[Ed]

Sun Country.

[Dan Tosh]

Sun country was disgusting. They had a separate hangar in Minneapolis that they went to.

[Ed]

They do. It's like a cross. What's this about? Well, a regional airline.

[Dan Tosh]

I hated Sun Country. Hated it so much. Is it out of business? Has to be.

[Ed]

I think it's not.

[Dan Tosh]

All right, let's do some plugs here. Patreon.com tosshow I think there's a new segment where there's just one hour of Carl outtakes. Just him doing crazy reaction shots. My first farewell tour. Where are we going? Northeast?

[Ed]

Yeah.

[Dan Tosh]

We are all through June. Then we're doing the Southeast in the fall.

[Ed]

Yep.

[Dan Tosh]

Got Phoenix. Guys. We're going to be all over the place. And we're not canceling shows, we're adding shows.

[Ed]

Boom.

[Dan Tosh]

Take that, whoever you are.

[Ed]

Canceling them.

[Dan Tosh]

Fallout Boy.

[Ed]

Fallout Boy.

[Dan Tosh]

That's. That was. I have no idea where that came from.

[Ed]

That's a good reference.

[Dan Tosh]

You know who I bet doesn't cancel concerts?

[Ed]

Who?

[Dan Tosh]

Heavy metal bands.

[Ed]

Yeah.

[Dan Tosh]

I feel like their. Their clientele is. Is loyal. Is loyal. Recession proof. Doesn't get. Doesn't fluctuate.

[Ed]

Recession proof is good. You're probably right.

[Dan Tosh]

They're just like, yeah, what do they care? Anyway? Check out Megadeth's tour. Go to megadeth.com Speaking of heavy metal, I can hear that drum beat coming. It's time for they Love Me. They Love Me Not.

[Ed]

We got. Here we go.

[Dan Tosh]

All right. Let's do it.

[Ed]

From Power Planet Forever. I agree.

[Dan Tosh]

Is that it?

[Ed]

That's the comment?

[Dan Tosh]

That's the. They just agree.

[Ed]

They agree.

[Dan Tosh]

Well, does it matter what episode it was?

[Ed]

I think it was the water cremation episode. But they agree.

[Dan Tosh]

They just. Our overall viewpoints on everything.

[Ed]

I agree.

[Dan Tosh]

I love it. That's a person that actually loves me.

[Ed]

Exactly.

[Dan Tosh]

My wife doesn't even agree with me.

[Ed]

I agree. I'd be a great person to be hanging.

[Dan Tosh]

All right, let's get to the Love me not then. I like that.

[Ed]

It's from Rams812. So Taj will complain about teacher versus guide, but doesn't think twice about no longer saying homeless people. Make it make sense.

[Dan Tosh]

I can't stand people, but now make it make sense is another one of those where it's like, ugh, you're just insufferable. Make it make sense. Yeah, it's so cool. I'll make it make sense. Hopefully, unless you're completely brain dead, which you very well could be, teacher isn't offensive to anyone. So that's why I will continue to call a person that's teaching kids in elementary school a teacher. Now, to some people, not to you, not to a lot of people, but to some people, homeless was offensive. So there was an alternative for people that didn't want to be offensive, to use a different term. And that's the difference. Now, I don't know if that makes sense to you or not. I don't know how else some people, like in the homosexual community, in the queer community. Queer is empowering. There are other terms. Not is empowering.

[Ed]

That makes sense.

[Dan Tosh]

You say those words, but maybe to you it's not. Does that make sense to you or not?

[Ed]

Why do we have to make sense to this person?

[Dan Tosh]

Well, they want. They want me to make it make sense. Yeah, make it make sense. And if they still don't think it makes sense, well, then it's like, oh, you're refusing to look at yourself and go, I'm a dipshit. Can we block a person from listening to the podcast? Is that possible?

[Ed]

Back trace it.

[Dan Tosh]

Well, because that was always fun to block people on Twitter.

[Ed]

Right? Block party. That was a fun. I love that segment.

[Dan Tosh]

Why can't we. Why can't we block people from the podcast? YouTube should make that a feature.

[Ed]

We can block him, but he can

[Joe (Commercial Pilot Guest)]

just listen to without signing into an account.

[Dan Tosh]

No, we need to, like, block his computers.

[Ed]

Oh, okay.

[Dan Tosh]

We got to backtrace him.

[Ed]

Yeah.

[Dan Tosh]

Okay.

[Ed]

This guy done goofed.

[Dan Tosh]

He done goofed. Let's backtrace him. See you next week. This episode of Tosh show is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Do you ever find yourself playing the budgeting game? Well, with the name your price tool from Progressive, you can find options that fit your budget and potentially lower your bills. Try [e-mail] Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates. Price and coverage match limited by state law. Not available in all states.