My Family Vacation

Summary

Tosh Show Episode Summary: "My Family Vacation"

Release Date: April 22, 2025
Host: Daniel Tosh
Guest: Eddie

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1. Episode Overview

In the "My Family Vacation" episode of the Tosh Show, comedian Daniel Tosh and his co-host Eddie delve into their recent family vacations, sharing a blend of humor, candid reflections, and behind-the-scenes anecdotes. The episode offers listeners an intimate glimpse into the challenges and comedic moments that arise when balancing personal life with the demands of touring and entrepreneurship.

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2. Journey to the Northeast: New York City, New Jersey, and Philadelphia

The episode kicks off with Daniel and Eddie discussing their recent performances across major Northeastern cities. They recount their experiences in New York City, New Jersey, and Philadelphia, highlighting the unique vibes and audience reactions in each location.

• Daniel Tosh remarks on the stress of the first show in NYC:

  "If you were to ask me, of the five shows that we did, Eddie, which was my least favorite, I would say, hands down, the first show in New York City." [12:45]

• Eddie contrasts this with his more relaxed shows in New Jersey:

  "The theater was beautiful. Two shows. Was it my best show? I'm going to say yes." [13:14]

The duo humorously touches upon logistical aspects, such as outfit choices and dining experiences, painting a vivid picture of life on the road.

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3. Splitting Paths: Eddie's Trip to Rome and Daniel Tosh's to Portugal

To manage their expanding professional commitments, Daniel and Eddie decided to embark on separate family vacations—Eddie to Rome and Daniel Tosh to Portugal. This decision introduces a series of humorous challenges and personal anecdotes.

• Eddie shares his meticulous trip planning:

  "I go to our hotel. I'm staying in a cool room that has two bedrooms, so my children are in one and I'm in the other." [15:15]

• Daniel Tosh reflects on his flight experience with Spirit Airlines:

  "And if you don't know, Spirit Airlines is garbage. And I don't even care if they're a sponsor of our show, that is." [16:42]

Their separate journeys allow them to explore diverse cultures while juggling family dynamics, leading to a treasure trove of comedic material.

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4. Challenges and Hilarious Mishaps During Travels

No vacation is complete without its share of hiccups, and Daniel and Eddie's trips are no exception. From uncomfortable massages in Portugal to navigating the chaotic streets of Rome, their stories are both relatable and laugh-out-loud funny.

• Eddie humorously recounts an awkward massage experience:

  "And my masseuse, clearly before I came in, was pounding some salamis or some cold cuts. I don't know what she was eating." [18:14]

• Daniel Tosh shares his fatigue from international travel:

  "I was miserably tired. I was sore. Like, for me, it really beat me up." [38:36]

These anecdotes highlight the unpredictable nature of travel, especially when combined with the responsibilities of family and professional life.

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5. Home Responsibilities and Pet Sitting Challenges

While Daniel and Eddie were away, managing the household and pets became a source of additional comedy and stress. They discuss the difficulties in entrusting their home to pet sitters and the humorous outcomes of these arrangements.

• Eddie laments the challenges of finding reliable help:

  "I have to have somebody that I kind of trust, right? Absolutely." [37:33]

• Daniel Tosh offers a lighthearted take on compensating pet sitters:

  "Give him 10 bucks. Thank you." [36:45]

Their exchanges shed light on the often-overlooked aspects of maintaining home life while fulfilling external commitments.

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6. Family Dynamics and In-Law Interactions

The episode delves into the complexities of traveling with extended family, particularly the interactions with in-laws. Daniel and Eddie share amusing stories about their fathers-in-law and mothers-in-law, revealing the comedic tensions that can arise during family vacations.

• Eddie humorously criticizes the influence of his in-laws:

  "I respect that. So we always are like, well, we go similar places, but let's not, let's not have too much overlap." [14:40]

• Daniel Tosh pokes fun at his wife's cousin:

  "Maybe I'll share my other family, my secret family. I got a secret family." [38:40]

These interactions provide listeners with a relatable and entertaining look into blending familial relationships with the demands of travel.

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7. Tour Announcements and Upcoming Shows

Towards the episode's conclusion, Daniel and Eddie pivot to promoting their upcoming tours, sharing dates and locations to engage their audience further.

• Eddie announces:

  "We added a show, but we had to put it earlier. So now it's basically a matinee. It's like 5:00 in the afternoon." [43:06]

• Daniel Tosh expresses excitement:

  "Come see Eddie and I and Carl in Madison, Wisconsin, on a Sunday, late afternoon." [43:38]

These announcements not only promote their future endeavors but also reinforce the show's community-centric approach.

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8. Special Features: Free Plug for Pedro South of the Border

In keeping with the show's format, Daniel and Eddie conclude with a free plug for Pedro South of the Border, a popular fireworks and entertainment destination.

• Eddie humorously critiques the establishment's name and offerings:

  "That's a little problematic, a little racist. South of the Border, it's that place between North Carolina and South Carolina where you get your fireworks." [44:12]

• Daniel Tosh adds to the banter:

  "That's a little racist." [46:16]

Their playful critique underscores the show's blend of humor with real-world observations, providing listeners with both entertainment and candid opinions.

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Notable Quotes

• Eddie on Being Recognized Abroad:

  "How many times do you think, over two or under two, that I was recognized in Portugal? And it could be by American tourists as well." [10:41]

• Daniel Tosh on Airline Classes:

  "They call it Premium Flex Ultra. All the names are different on these airways." [17:40]

• Eddie on Managing House Responsibilities:

  "I have no special skills, yet I pull it off constantly." [23:41]

• Daniel Tosh Reflecting on Travel Fatigue:

  "I was miserably tired. I was sore. Like, for me, it really beat me up." [38:36]

---

Conclusion

The "My Family Vacation" episode of the Tosh Show masterfully intertwines humor with genuine reflections on balancing family life and professional commitments. Through shared stories of travel mishaps, family dynamics, and the logistics of maintaining a household in their absence, Daniel Tosh and Eddie offer listeners an engaging and relatable narrative. Whether you're a fan of their comedy or simply enjoy candid discussions about the complexities of modern life, this episode promises both laughter and insight.

Transcript

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[Eddie]

How many times do you think over two or under two that I was recognized in Portugal? And it could be by American tourists as well. Over, over, under. Look how I'm dressed you idiots. Posh show. Posh show. Tosh Show. Pro show. Welcome to Tosh Show. I found my thrill on Blueberry Hill. Ooh, Louis Armstrong. You like Louie Eddie?

[Daniel Tosh]

I like Louie man.

[Eddie]

His voice. When you listen to him sing, it's hard not to feel like is he doing a bit?

[Daniel Tosh]

He does sound very like, are there.

[Eddie]

Like white producers, like racist white producers in the back going yeah, yeah, yeah, go with that. That's Great. Or is it a beautiful voice and it's just of a time that doesn't hold up today? I don't know. But I just think do love it. I mean, I don't even know if I'm supposed to be doing a Louis Armstrong impression.

[Daniel Tosh]

Well, I think if you tell people that's what you're doing, you're okay.

[Eddie]

Yeah, that's Louis Armstrong.

[Daniel Tosh]

There you go. He's not just being a crazy person over here.

[Eddie]

How did. What's his name? Who's the original singer? Fats.

[Daniel Tosh]

What's Fats Domino.

[Eddie]

Fats Domino. How did he sound, Barry? I don't know. I can't in my head think how fast Domino sounded. But Louis version. Then of course, Elvis did a version as he always did, stealing the cool from black people. Speaking of racist, our president, you know, as bad as I think he is, and as much as I give it to him for broken promises after broken promises, here's. I will say this. I do hope he has a healthy three and a half years of this final term.

[Daniel Tosh]

Why so.

[Eddie]

Well, because, Eddie, I wasn't going to end it at that.

[Daniel Tosh]

Okay, you got something coming here, all right?

[Eddie]

Because heaven help us if Vance were given the keys to the car. I mean, this dipshit is off the charts. Everything you need to know about Vance can be summed up in him dropping the national championship trophy. That's just who he is. I'm this dipshit. I mean, I'm not. This isn't a unique take. I believe everyone hates this man.

[Daniel Tosh]

I think so, yeah.

[Eddie]

His wife hates him. I think Republicans, for the most part, are like, oh, no, no, he's not our guy. Anybody that read that memoir. Did you read his book? No, no. But you own a copy?

[Daniel Tosh]

No, I just. He had balance out. The bed's kind of like wobbly. He's got a leg.

[Eddie]

You got a wobbly bed, I gotta.

[Daniel Tosh]

Put it underneath the leg.

[Eddie]

That waffly. That's fucking crazy that a memoir could.

[Daniel Tosh]

Balance out perfect size.

[Eddie]

You know somebody that once went by initials? I had a roommate, an older roommate. His name was Daniel. And my father was Daniel. And you know, one of my closest friends was Daniel. I went by Dt for a long time. Some close friends still call me D.T. but in general, if you have like little initials, you're kind of a fucking idiot. You know what his real name is James David Vance. JD I don't like anybody that tries to bumpkin up their name. The only name that I remotely appreciate that's kind of bumpkin up is old cousin Baby Billy. And see, now they're. They're like, hey, how do we mock these stupid people? Well, why don't we call them cousin Baby Billy?

[Daniel Tosh]

All right, they did it.

[Eddie]

What about J.D. vance? Now it's too nail on head. Yeah, let's go. Cousin Baby Billy. Now. You guys don't want to hear my elitist views on things. Speaking of elitist, the White Lotus Season 3. Are they still talking about all the shenanigans that happened behind the scenes during the filming? Here's what they should have done. They should have just filmed that and aired it. I'd much rather watch Bachelor in Paradise. White Lotus, Thailand. I don't know what you'd call it. That's good. Sounds like they were all just having fun, you know, a couple married people doing. Doing what you do in Thailand, pretending you are that little Asian girl. I didn't enjoy the season, but I didn't not enjoy it. Like, I was like. I watched it and I was like, okay, this is. This. This hotel kind of annoys me. I don't want to stay there after I see it. I don't know how somebody that murdered somebody at one of these hotels goes and buys a property at another one of their locations and doesn't think that that might come back to haunt him.

[Daniel Tosh]

It's very true.

[Eddie]

Why wouldn't he be like, well, I can't. That's a great deal, but can't be the same property if I killed my wife at a Marriott. You can just kiss those points goodbye. I'm never gonna redeem them. Those points are gone forever.

[Daniel Tosh]

It's just, you gotta change properties.

[Eddie]

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[Daniel Tosh]

I like it.

[Eddie]

Well sure you do. I look sophisticated.

[Daniel Tosh]

Yeah, you do.

[Eddie]

I blend in. People speak to me in Portuguese. They don't come at me with English.

[Daniel Tosh]

That's a good sign. I like that.

[Eddie]

Oh, they. They're happy to see me. But before we get into it, let's Eddie, let's Tell people how the shows in New York went. See, I went to New York first because my wife and I had some meetings. By the way, when you go to New York City and you haven't been in a while, it does take you a few minutes to go, oh, I forgot. Everything is filthy. Why did I bring my good sneakers?

[Daniel Tosh]

Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, that's true.

[Eddie]

Just as soon as I got there, I was like, oh, it's been raining and I've got beautiful brand new sneakers on. This is disgusting. Well, we went, we had some meetings. That's always stressful. I was meeting with book publishers. My wife and I are going to write a book together. It's purely sexual. That's not what the book's about. Whatever. These meetings, you just. You sit in there and they bring in some book publishers and you get like 30 minutes to an hour with them and you, you just try to be funny, I guess. I don't know. Which one did you gel the most with? I'm like, I don't know which one's going to pay me the most. I'll figure out the gelling later. Anyway, my wife is really good in the meetings. I was probably better, but that's, you know, I've got more experience. But she held her own, you know. We had written samples of what we would bring to the table and they were blown away. Then they came to our show that night. Well, not all of them, but the ones that we liked. We offered them tickets. The ones that seemed like they were just kicking the tires. Nah, you're not getting free tickets. Especially when I'm sold out. I get a percentage of that door. Anyway, if you were to ask me, of the five shows that we did, Eddie, which was my least favorite, I would say, hands down, the first show in New York City.

[Daniel Tosh]

Okay.

[Eddie]

Because that was the only one that I had pressure on. The rest of them. I was loose as a goose. Here's another thing. One of the head promoters came out to see me in New York and we were talking. He's like, oh, you gonna wear that tomorrow in New Jersey? I had like a pink jacket on or something. I'm like, I don't know. He was like, those people, you know, we were in New Brunswick, New Jersey. I'm gonna say they were great. Yep, it was wonderful. The people there were great.

[Daniel Tosh]

Great size theater, too.

[Eddie]

The theater was beautiful. Two shows. Was it my best show? I'm going to say yes.

[Daniel Tosh]

Yeah.

[Eddie]

I mean, I'm going to say it was my best show in New Jersey. Then we went To Philly. Got ourselves a cheesesteak. Where did we get cheesesteaks at? From Eddie.

[Daniel Tosh]

Oh, brother.

[Eddie]

Is that a good place, Eddie?

[Daniel Tosh]

I mean, I feel like they're all the same.

[Eddie]

Oh, by the way, that day before the Philly show, the Philly show was on a Sunday night on, on the way there, we, we had, from New York City, we had gotten two large pizzas from a place that we like. We were eating the pizzas on the drive there and then we did the show and then on the way back, we were eating cheesesteaks. That is disgusting.

[Daniel Tosh]

And the ride.

[Eddie]

And then the next day, the next day, Eddie pulls off arguably the greatest father slash husband bullshit move of all time. Let me explain this to people. We're doing these shows. We kind of hubbed in New York. We bopped around and did these shows. And then we were taking our families on vacation, separate vacations. I'm taking my family to Portugal and Eddie's taking his family to Rome. And we don't bring our families to the same places because Eddie doesn't like his kids. To see how much better my kids.

[Daniel Tosh]

Have it, what life could be like.

[Eddie]

Right. And I respect that.

[Daniel Tosh]

Thank you.

[Eddie]

I respect that. So we always are like, well, we go similar places, but let's not, let's not have too much overlap because he's trying to raise well rounded kids and I don't give a shit what happens to mine. All right, we are going to go straight from New York City to Lisbon, easy six hour flight. Eddie's family is going to Rome. But what does Eddie do, by the way? His kids aren't young. My kids are 2 and 6. His kids are, let me just guess right now, 16 and 18.

[Daniel Tosh]

Perfect guess.

[Eddie]

Okay, 16 and 18. This is what Eddie does for his wife and children. He flies New York to la, has five hours to kill at LAX before boarding the family's plane nonstop to Rome. He went five hours backwards and then another five and a half. Is that the craziest thing you've ever heard? Would you? There is. I would. I would leave my family if they ever suggested that. Hey, would you be interested in fucking up your entire week by giving yourself the most horrible experience ever? Oh, my God. And then you. And did you go home on that five hour little layover or. No, you stayed at the airport.

[Daniel Tosh]

Stayed at the airport.

[Eddie]

By the way, I just want everyone to know eddie lives maybe 15 minutes from LAX.

[Daniel Tosh]

Yeah, but why go home and tease myself with a pillow, Maybe a bed?

[Eddie]

You could have napped for two hours.

[Daniel Tosh]

I probably could have, but, you know, international travel, you want to get there early.

[Eddie]

How bad were you on that travel.

[Daniel Tosh]

When I got to Rome, I was. I was beat up. I was pretty tired.

[Eddie]

How much time from when you landed till you said your first when in Rome joke?

[Daniel Tosh]

You know what? I think I was so tired, I forgot to do it until the next day.

[Eddie]

Oh, man. Oh, the next day.

[Daniel Tosh]

I'll tell you this, though. The Spirit Airlines flight I took from New York to la.

[Eddie]

Whoa, hold on. Hold on. You think he's being funny right now? He is not. He took Spirit Airlines from New York to Los Angeles. And if you don't know, Spirit Airlines is garbage. And I don't even care if they're a sponsor of our show, that is. This is a free plug. There's no first class in Spirit. There's no business class? No.

[Daniel Tosh]

They call it. What do they call it? Big Wide. Something. It's like a different name.

[Eddie]

Big Wide.

[Daniel Tosh]

Yeah, the seats are better.

[Eddie]

Were you in Big Wide?

[Daniel Tosh]

Big Wide? Yeah, I did.

[Eddie]

That is embarrassing.

[Daniel Tosh]

I want.

[Eddie]

That is humiliating. Everything. Everything you're saying makes me want this company to fail. And then. And then. Did you. What airline did you fly to Rome?

[Daniel Tosh]

We took Norse Atlantic Airways.

[Eddie]

And were you in Big Wide there or. No.

[Daniel Tosh]

Big Wide with reclining and.

[Eddie]

No. Did you were. You were in business class?

[Daniel Tosh]

It was. Well, it's like their. They call it Premium Flex Ultra. All the names are different on these airways.

[Eddie]

Wait, so it's not business? It's not.

[Daniel Tosh]

It's first class.

[Eddie]

It is first class. It is first class.

[Daniel Tosh]

It's their first class.

[Eddie]

Yeah, it's their first class. Right?

[Daniel Tosh]

And then the. Every. There's, like, that section, and then.

[Eddie]

What number, seat were you in?

[Daniel Tosh]

Row seven.

[Eddie]

Okay. All right, fine. By the way, how was the trip with the family in Rome?

[Daniel Tosh]

It was great. Loved it.

[Eddie]

What'd you guys do?

[Daniel Tosh]

A lot of tours. Catacombs. Took a cooking class. Probably the worst meal we had in Rome was the one that we prepared ourselves.

[Eddie]

We do. We do such different trips. I would never get in a tour.

[Daniel Tosh]

Well, you gotta kind of go private tour. So it's just you.

[Eddie]

No, I'm not going. I don't want to listen to somebody.

[Daniel Tosh]

Oh, well, yeah, you'd hate it. Then. You would have hated my trip.

[Eddie]

This is what we do. We fly to Lisbon. I go to our hotel. I'm staying in a cool room that has two bedrooms, so my children are in one and I'm in the other. And I've got a balcony overlooking the rooftops of Lisbon. I see a castle lit up in the distance. There's a rooftop restaurant that we went to. And then it's nothing but spa appointments. I got a massage. I didn't enjoy my massage. The place is great, but their tables. I don't know if people in Portugal are smaller than me, but my leg was hanging off a good foot and a half. You can't have your shin just resting off the edge of a table for an 80 minute massage. And then when you scoot to your back, you even scoot further down. And now my, my knees, I'm just. My legs are just hanging down like a little kid, just wiggling my legs up and down. Anyway, that's not the problem that I had my massage. My masseuse, clearly before I came in, was pounding some salamis or some cold cuts. I don't know what she was eating.

[Daniel Tosh]

Grabbing some baloney.

[Eddie]

She was having some baloney because at one point I smelled something. And I'm like, I think she just.

[Daniel Tosh]

Burped.

[Eddie]

And she held it in, but I could still, it was still wafting out occasionally. I'm like, maybe she didn't burp. But now I can't stop thinking about it for the next 80 minutes. I'm like, did she burp? And then at one point, she hip checked the table real hard and it hurt her. And she was, she was like, oh, I'm sorry. I'm like, oh, are you okay? And she's like, yeah, I'm okay. Like my son, My son can't walk past a coffee table without taking it to the shin. Oh, you know what? And one day my wife. Oh, man. Holy cow. I'm still furious about this. You have to understand, I'm in tow are the in laws, you know, So I got two, two kids. And then I've got two old kids. Somehow I'm responsible for all of them not being abducted. I have no special skills, yet I pull it off constantly. My wife. We're going to go to this restaurant for lunch. I'm like, great, where is it? Well, first we have to get on a ferry. Fuck a ferry. What? There's like, there's like a delivery guy with his bike, you know, hundreds of people wedging in. Everybody's racing to get a window because it's, it's inside. And so it's like smelly and gross warhounds. It's not good. I don't, I didn't enjoy being on this ferry. And I'm dressed like a fucking idiot, you know, like, look at me. And I. And I've got little kids running everywhere, eating off the ferry floor. They don't care. And we take this quick ferry. You know, my father in law's always got interesting. Did you know that the first ferry was invented at the University of Florida? And I'm like, no, it wasn't. Just shut up. It wasn't invented at the University of Florida. Whatever. He's always got some dumb gator fact that I have to care about. Now we get to the other side and I'm like, okay, which way to this resident? She goes, well, it's this cool walk along the water and there's tons of graffiti on those walls. And it's all the graffiti I keep pointing out to my father in law is just anti American hate. And I'm like, oh yeah, this is what Trump was bringing this respect that the rest of the world is fresh American hate everywhere. You just see it. Anyway, sure enough, we start this walk and there's a guy building a wall, a makeshift wall on this water pass this, this sidewalk along the water. He's building a wall almost just like to stop us from going. He says, go, got to go this other way. We end up walking through not the nicest areas of town and it's all uphill. And I got a father in law with one bad knee and one knee that he just replaced like six weeks ago. So it's just taking forever. Then I've got two children, just one of them doesn't, you know, Will. Only if he holds your hand, he's like pulling you down. So it's just, he falls on every cobblestone street. So he's just constantly crying because he's hurt, whatever. I end up pushing up this mountain for 45 minutes. I get to the top of it and then at the very top of it, there's 300 stairs that were built before codes were even a thing.

[Daniel Tosh]

Oh, that's good.

[Eddie]

And they're like, the restaurant is at the bottom of this. And I'm like, well, I can only save one person's life here. So I carry the stroller with my daughter in it, who's not sitting in the stroller. Like she's leaning forward so the weight is off. Everything is, it's just horrible. The whole time I make it down these stairs and then on the way back I say, I don't care what that guy said, we're going the other way. And we walk this river walk. And it was, it was fine. There was like one pothole. So my wife basically made us walk 45 minutes around the city to avoid a pothole.

[Daniel Tosh]

How was the food?

[Eddie]

The food's good. I got some monkfish stew. It's for two people. So I tell my father in law, we're getting this monkfish. It's, it's going to be great. Anyway, they bring this big crock pot. There's liver in this monkfish, dude. That part I didn't like to eat. I made him eat it. He threw up a little bit in his mouth, but just huge portions. Oh, my goodness. And my mother in law, she can't wrap her head around any food that's not, you know, from Long John Silver's. Well, she like, orders. Oh, I'll take the shrimp cocktail. Oh, do you have fried shrimp? Like, that's her meal everywhere. It's like, I, ugh, I can't. One time they brought her, she ordered fried shrimp and they had tiny little shrimp, but the heads and everything were on it. And they're like, you're supposed to eat the whole thing. Just crunch them up. And she just, no way. This is her for like as soon as it was put in front of her. She's my wife. The whole time was pretending to be Parker Posey from White Lotus, which was making me laugh. But my Deraza pan. Okay, so I was only in Lisbon for a few days. That was just to get my bearings. Then we headed off to Comporta, which, you know, they say is the Hamptons of Portugal, which I don't know if that's a compliment or not because I hate the Hamptons. But we stayed at a beautiful place. It was nice. Although they don't heat their pools. They have one little tiny pool in the spa that's heated, but it's like, who wants to swim inside? I had a nice little three bedroom villa that my family and I were playing at. Oh, so beautiful. But my father in law, I put him in the bio pool area. And that's like these, these, these outdoor ponds, they kind of have an area roped off. That's your pool. Like your little, Your room is like a little cab. The water and the. There's earplugs because the frogs are so loud at night. But also there's supposed to be healing powers when you get in. But the water's cold and he complains at anything that's not a jacuzzi. So I have forced him to jump in night one. But there's snakes, iguanas just swimming around everywhere. And I got photos of it all. I made my son go dive in it in the middle of the night we went, we walked there. We weren't on our normal sleeping schedule, so I'm like, hey, let's go jump in their bio pool. And he was terrified. But we did it. It's enjoyable traveling with the in laws because you know, at the start of the trip, my wife made all of us like hold hands and you know, repeat after her. I will try things. I will be open minded, you know. And that goes out the window. As soon as the first restaurant brings my mother in law fish head, she starts freaking out. But my father in law on the other hand is just everything is the greatest thing he's ever tasted. You couldn't believe. You have to try this roll, honey. It's so delicious. Which is funny because he'll try stuff and that's fun to hang out with. But it's like, we also know he enjoys a bag of circus peanuts.

[Daniel Tosh]

That's great.

[Eddie]

If you get him talking about the first Burger King that was opened in Fort Pierce, he acts like it's the greatest hamburger that was ever created. So I don't really give them that much credit. I think it's funny though. I do, I do like, I like laugh the whole time in my head of like that I'm responsible for some of these people. Who was the best person to travel with me because I can afford everything. Of course I'm saying like, but who is the best travel partner? You'd think I'd say my wife because she does all the legwork. She knows what kind of restaurants I'll actually appreciate so she can handle me. And when I start losing it. But there's something about my son. He's got, he's got a real spirit about him and he's very excited to try things and see things and like, he like would go to a playground and just immediately play with a group of kids and you know, could say three or four words maybe in Portuguese and he'd be like, I made new friends, dad. I'm like, oh great. And that's fun to watch.

[Daniel Tosh]

Yeah, for sure.

[Eddie]

The people in Portugal, everybody talks about how nice they are. They were pretty nice. I love that they don't build on the beaches. When we were in Comporta. They don't. There's no like, it's not like Florida where every inch is just another dumb condo. It's just beach. The houses are inland, farther. Yeah. A five minute drive. It's just so, so pretty. I drove a bunch in Portugal. There I rented a Nissan. I love driving kilometers. Just really makes you. Oh man, I'm doing 110. Get out of my way. Not sure what the conversion is. No, I think that's 40, but whatever. Yeah, Like, I felt like a real normal dude. How many times? I'll set the line at 2, over, under. Do you think that I was recognized in Portugal? Now I gotta remind people that I was scheduled to perform a beautiful theater that seated around 2,700. I sold around 64 seats in the opening weekend before canceling the show. Okay. How many times do you think, over two or under two, that I was recognized in Portugal? And it could be by American tourists as well. Over, over, under. Look how I'm dressed, you idiots.

[Daniel Tosh]

Look at you.

[Eddie]

Under zero times never. Huh? I was never recognized or they didn't.

[Daniel Tosh]

Care, or they're being cool about it.

[Eddie]

That's right. They're in Portugal. They're whatever. George Clooney's here. They're George Clooney's. He's got a funny hat on. That's the thing, too. When I'm over there, I always. I know that tipping isn't the same in Europe, but that's why I like it so much more, because I'm a big tipper in the US So I'm still a big tipper there, and I just think it's fun. Oh, no, you don't need to tip. But I do it. I do it constantly for everything. Breakfast buffet, throwing down €20 for my meal. They're just like, oh. And then anytime I walk in with the hat and the glasses, they're just like, there he is.

[Daniel Tosh]

Over here, sir. Over here.

[Eddie]

We got your table ready for you. I'm like, there's somebody sitting. Sitting there. They're like, get out of there.

[Daniel Tosh]

This person's done.

[Eddie]

This person's out of here. You're in. I loved it. I. I can't stop tipping. I was tipping well, the thing is, I never have cash. Now I've got euro. Anybody want to buy my euro off me? I'll give you a good deal so that I don't have to actually change it back. Oh. How much euros do I have on me? We got. What's 495 plus 50? 545. That's 545. Yeah. Who wants to give me right now? Let's make a deal. $500 for this.

[Daniel Tosh]

Does Italy take euro?

[Eddie]

Yes. Jesus Christ. Of course.

[Daniel Tosh]

I don't know, man. Yes, they do. I'll do that.

[Eddie]

You got 500 bucks? Not in my pocket, but I can get it.

[Daniel Tosh]

How are you going to get that.

[Eddie]

How are you going to get that kind of money? You could go south.

[Daniel Tosh]

You get your hand on $500. Yeah, hang on. I'll be right back, guys.

[Eddie]

Dylan. Dylan's out in the parking lot doing God knows what to get $500. I don't want to hear about this.

[Daniel Tosh]

We work with these people.

[Eddie]

Dylan, that's not even a good rate. That's a great deal. You think it's a good deal?

[Daniel Tosh]

It's $614American.

[Eddie]

So if he gives me $500, that's a great deal.

[Daniel Tosh]

He's making some cash.

[Eddie]

Good deal. All right, deal. I'll take your deal, Dylan. You give me 500 bucks, you can have that right now. Thank you. I got everybody something from my travels.

[Daniel Tosh]

What?

[Eddie]

Well, not. Not really, but it's stuff that. That I accumulated in my bag. And now that I'm home, I gotta get rid of it. Pete. Pete handled a lot of logistics.

[Daniel Tosh]

Pete.

[Eddie]

Pete, come get your gift. You're gonna like that. Open that up. See what? You can sit down for a second. Oh, look, you already took it off the desk. I don't know. There's something written on the. On the lemon.

[Daniel Tosh]

That's nice.

[Eddie]

What is that? These are some bottle stoppers. Decorative bottle stoppers. And look at that. Look at this, Pete. Look at this bottle stopper.

[Daniel Tosh]

And it goes with this nice bottle.

[Eddie]

Wait, you see it? Yeah. It's like a balding dude. Look at it, Pete. It's a ball. Pull that up next to your head. That looks just like Pete. That's a decorative bowl. No, you got your face. There you go. There you go. Identical. Put that in there, twins.

[Daniel Tosh]

And a nice bottle of wine from.

[Eddie]

The place you stayed at. Yeah. They grow it on the property? I hope so. I don't know. Is that all that was in there? All right, that's nice enough. Get out of here. All right.

[Daniel Tosh]

Thank you.

[Eddie]

You're welcome, Dylan. Oh, I got some good stuff for Dylan. Here. This is for your trip to it. Here. I will, in good faith. All right. I'll give you.

[Daniel Tosh]

Okay. I can Venmo you, too.

[Eddie]

I don't have Venmo. Okay.

[Daniel Tosh]

Jesus.

[Eddie]

Sell him. I don't know how to do that size. I can give you gold. All right. You'll love those.

[Daniel Tosh]

Oh, that's good.

[Eddie]

And my son made me take this shell home from the beach. And I'm like, why the do I have this shell?

[Daniel Tosh]

Cool. Thank you.

[Eddie]

Get out of here.

[Daniel Tosh]

Dylan loves shells.

[Eddie]

Oh, John. Come on over here, John. I got good stuff coming in. John. I Just go for. I go for John's wife. Oh, nice. That's all. Like, these are just fancy eye creams. Okay, Open that up. There's some good stuff in there. And different. Different lotions and things. Have to give this to her. You don't have to. And then these are the fancy lotion. I stayed in New York City. I took there. You can keep these. These are Mandarin Oriental. They do some good stuff. There's their lotions. But you'll like all that stuff. Very nice. Oh, she'll like that. She'll like you. Give her that bag. Okay, cool. That's all you got? Thank you. Oh, do you use this? I hate this Aesop. This Aesop aftershave. I do like it. I hate it. All right, good. So I worked in New York for three days, and then we traveled for five days. Now, for me to do that, I got to have somebody hold down the fort. So who did I call? My wife is like, well, why don't we use my brother? He's in town. He lives here. He can work remotely. He'll stay at the hell. He'll take care of the pets. Was that a good idea? I don't know. He has a lot to take care of. He's got Carl, of course, who is, I think, a delight. You know, he'll give you some fall sparks every now and then. The chickens, who. I'll be honest with you. You don't have to do much for the chickens. And then there's my son's fish. You got to take care of ponzu. Then there's potato. Now, potato, that's the big sell. He's getting bigger and bigger by the minute. And he's at 5:30 in the morning to 6 in the morning. His day begins, and you're not sleeping past it. Like, he wakes you up, he brings you outside, he gets mad at you. He'll knock water bowls over constantly if he's, like, in a mood. So that was tough sell, but he did it. Now I came back. Everything, you know, was alive, plants included. I was shocked. All right, he was supposed to walk Carl every day. And then I asked him, when pressed, I said, did you walk him every day? He goes, well, we played outside in the backyard. On some days, I'm like, well, that's not a walk. How many days did you not walk Carl? Probably every other day. Every other day you didn't walk him, but every other day you did walk him. Something like that. You think you walked him at least 5 days, 10 days? 5 sounds good. You Know the only thing he used? He slept in my bed and he used my toilet. He loved my toilet. I got a lot of good features on it.

[Daniel Tosh]

Okay.

[Eddie]

I even told him how to get the enema button to work. There's one, like, high pressure one that just. Just. If there's a nugget six weeks up, it'll get.

[Daniel Tosh]

It cleans you out.

[Eddie]

It'll get it. Good man.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Six weeks.

[Eddie]

All right, well, I haven't paid him yet. What do you think I should pay somebody to pet? Sit. What's the day rate? You think he stayed at the house? He stayed at the house. Which is kind of like an id. My house is like a resort.

[Daniel Tosh]

You got a Jacuzzi. Did he use the hot tub?

[Eddie]

How many times did you use the hot tub, Chase? Not enough. How many times? I don't know. Twice. Maybe twice.

[Daniel Tosh]

But no restricted access.

[Eddie]

What would you charge for that? What do you guys. What's a fair rate to give him? How many days? 14 total days. I mean, he's on vacation. $100 a day.

[Daniel Tosh]

No, I mean, like, he's staying in resort, so I feel like he's putting in a little bit of work, you know.

[Eddie]

10 bucks.

[Daniel Tosh]

Walking the dog half the time.

[Eddie]

Give him 10 bucks. Thank you.

[Daniel Tosh]

Thank you.

[Eddie]

He asked for 150 a day.

[Daniel Tosh]

I was thinking 100 a week. 100 a day. 100.

[Eddie]

100 a day is what you guys think. Interesting. I had a pig, too, by the way, just so you guys know. The pig is. The pig is a tough seller.

[Daniel Tosh]

The pig's the big one.

[Eddie]

Yeah. Maybe 125. All right, well, I'm somewhere between the 150 and 100. I'm thinking 2,000 for the whole trip.

[Daniel Tosh]

I mean, he just agreed.

[Eddie]

I don't care if he agrees. I'll change it. If I get. Now, some people be like, oh, I would do. Yeah. But it's like I have to have somebody that I kind of trust, right?

[Daniel Tosh]

Absolutely.

[Eddie]

And at least somebody that I can torture if things go awry, you know, There's a lot of responsibility. Well, listen, I pulled it off, got the family home safe. Everybody was thrilled that they got to experience this adventure. By the way, the whole time I was there, I kept saying, we have to go out one night for date night because our anniversary is coming up this week so that it can be our anniversary. And she agreed to this. But then we could never settle on a place. And we always just brought the kids with us, so it didn't count. So now, four days after this vacation of A lifetime. I have to take her out again.

[Daniel Tosh]

Paris.

[Eddie]

No, I just have to go to dinner. It's not you. Eddie. He's not gonna fly across the world. Let's go to Paris. Yeah. Eddie's just like, whoa, Whatever. You go anywhere. It's not that hard. In hindsight. In hindsight. Was that too much on your body? Yeah, too much flying.

[Daniel Tosh]

I was miserably tired. I was sore. Like, for me, it really beat me up.

[Eddie]

Here's my thing with traveling. Whether you're on a pj, whether you're in wide front or go big. Wide front or middle, narrow back. Just the dull headaches that you get from being in a plane. Oh, God. Are just maddening. It just doesn't matter. I'm like, oh, I just. Traveling is not fun. Well, I can't wait to share with you my family vacation next year. Maybe I'll share my other family, my secret family. I got a secret family. I take them on vacations too, but usually that's more like a great Wolf Lodge type of family.

[Metro Advertiser]

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[Eddie]

Limited time and subject to change max one offer per account.

[LifeLock Advertiser]

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[Ryan Seacrest]

Hey, it's Ryan Seacrest for Albertsons and Safeway with the stock up sale at Safeway and Albertsons. Stock up and earn four times points at your local store when you purchase participants participating products. Save on household essentials from General Mills, Kellogg's, Philadelphia Quaker and Tide. Clip the offer in the app for event savings and look for participating items throughout the store. Shop in store or online. Plus you can even have your groceries delivered or use drive up and go to have your groceries brought to your car at the store. Restrictions and exclusions applied. Visit Albertsons or Safeway.com for more details.

[Eddie]

Hello, darlings. Pack your suitcase for a new season of the Hulu original reality series Vanderpump Villa.

[Metro Advertiser]

Let's do this.

[Eddie]

Ciao. It's Stassi. Of course.

[Metro Advertiser]

Lisa brought in her favorite to be resident chaperone of the castle.

[Eddie]

Stassi is an icon. She's my eyes and ears.

[Daniel Tosh]

I love this.

[Eddie]

Get ready for the luxury and drama that awaits us in Italy.

[Daniel Tosh]

Cheers to all the toxic couples in the castle.

[Eddie]

Season 2 of Vanderpump Villa premieres April.

[Metro Advertiser]

24, streaming on Hulu.

[Eddie]

Paw Show. Well, I want to thank my wife and two children and my father in law and mother in law and my wife's cousin for going on a great trip. All expenses paid by me. We missed you, Carl. By the way, do you find this shirt horribly offensive because it is sheer. I don't know if you can see this, but I can get my nipple to pinch through. Like, I hope, you know, at home that I would never really wear this shirt. This is hideous. This is Carrie with me. You see that? Ooh, hot. I don't have a big nibble.

[Daniel Tosh]

He touched super tiny nipple.

[Eddie]

Just give it a jingle.

[Daniel Tosh]

Smallest nipples in the business.

[Eddie]

I don't have a big nipple. No. Also don't have a lot of feeling in my nipples. Okay. There's some guys that like their nipples played with. That's not me. Nope. I don't like it. Got a few things to plug. We have the tossshow store.com. you know, I saw a guy at, I think it was the New York show. Ugh. It might have been New Brunswick. I feel bad. He was like six rows deep. And I'm pretty sure he had a Carl shirt on. And I didn't, I didn't give him one of these and I should have. My bad. But if you, you know, if you wear one of those shirts and I see out in public, you're going to get some attention from Me. All right, what else we got? Our tours, Eddie's tour, my tour. I'm going to be in Vegas this weekend, and then we're doing the. The big Midwest tour in June, by the way, added shows in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. That's a good market. Come out and see me. Milwaukee. And then Madison. I added a show there, but now Madison, I might have done you dirty, but I don't know if it was the building or availability or whatever. But we added a show, but we had to put it earlier. So now it's basically a matinee. It's like 5:00 in the afternoon. Come see Eddie and I and Carl in Madison, Wisconsin, on a Sunday, late afternoon. And then after the show, well, I can't do anything because I have to do my first show, which is later than my second show. It's confusing. The point is, I'll be in bed by 10:30 that night.

[Daniel Tosh]

Yes, great.

[Eddie]

All right, so Madison, Milwaukee, you guys come out. Chicago, You've, you, you've. You've shown your support. All right, what. Let's do the free plug. Hit the free plug. Oh, look at that. Some trumpet. Look at strong trumpet music. You know, play the trumpet. Our friend Danny. Anyway, this week's free plug is for Pedro south of the Border. First of all, I didn't know it was called Pedro South Border. That's a little problematic, a little racist. South of the Border, it's that place between North Carolina and South Carolina where you get your fireworks. They got 300 billboards each direction. I used to always see it as a kid when we would drive up, me and my surfer buds, we'd do like a summer week in Hatteras. That was our biggest surf trip up to Cape Hatteras. And you'd, you'd stop and get your Roman candles. Oh, that was fun. Anyway, I'm glad to see that that place is still in business. Pedro south of the Border. I didn't. I never called it Pedro's. The logos seems a bit racist, too. Whatever. That's. That's where you. If you're going to have a problematic logo and name, you do it in that part of the country. Those people don't care. You know, you change the Cleveland Indians logo because it's horribly offensive. But you see this Pedro logo and you're like, well, that probably should be fixed as well. Anyway, your first stop will be Fort Pedro Fireworks. You can load up on all kinds of explosives. They also have plenty of attractions to entertain the whole family. Oh, I didn't know that There's I always just went for the fireworks. Maybe a little gas. They have an observation tower. It's over 200ft high. Whoa. You probably could see all the way to Kitty Hawk. That's nearby, right? I mean, not nearby, but that's got to be this. North Carolina, one of the highest, you know, elevations. How high was Kitty Hawk? They were just gliding a few feet off the ground.

[Daniel Tosh]

Believe so.

[Eddie]

Yeah. It wasn't that impressive.

[Daniel Tosh]

Bit of a hill.

[Eddie]

There's a glass elevator. Gives riders a full view of the grounds. There's a Pedro Land park. Fun rides just for the kids. And there's a reptile lagoon, the largest indoor reptile display in the US that's because it shouldn't be inside, right? That's just dumb. All right. These guys are idiots. Also, grab a bite of their fine eating establishments. They got the. What is it? Polanco's Bar. Polanco's Bar and the Sombrero Room restaurant. They also have Peddler Steakhouse and Pedro's Ice Cream Fiesta. Can you get an abortion south of border? No, you cannot. For that, you're going to need to go due north, north of the border. Keep going till you see, like, you know, people with normal haircuts.

[Daniel Tosh]

That's how you can tell that's a good time.

[Eddie]

You'll be all right. You can't. This is why we do free plugs, because you ra will a paid plug. Want you to talk about if you can get an abortion at their establishment. They have over 6,000 signs that have been plastered all along the highways 200 miles out. Why go to a boring rest area just to gas up and pee when you could entertain the whole family for hours at Pedro south of the Border. That's great. I really do recall one time getting Roman candles south of the border late at night. My friends and I were in his parents van. We borrowed it. It was the Osmonds van. I was good friends with Alison. We. We were boyfriend and girlfriend in seventh grade, but we never kissed. Doesn't matter. But. But. But our younger brother went with us on the surf trip and we. We got him to use. We. We got him to bring his parents van. It was one of those Mark 4, Mark 5 vans. You know, those big vans. Anyway, I shot Roman Candle inside of it. Yeah, it was a bad. I think I singed some of the. The seats. I'm gonna apologize to do. That was my fault also. You know what I did there? We bought some stink bombs from south of the border. And I shattered the glass vial in a small thermos. Okay. Then I would just occasionally on the trip, crack open the thermos and just do a little air out and then put it back on. I thought that was like the nice way to do it.

[Daniel Tosh]

Stink bomb.

[Eddie]

It was fun. Anyway, south of the border. See you guys next week. Is your team still running on yesterday's tech? Oh man, time for an upgrade. The ThinkPad X1 carbon is ultralight, ultra powerful and powered by an Intel Core Ultra processor so you can work, create and boost productivity all on one device. Need security? Lenovo's Think Shield helps protect your business from modern threats. Needs smarter performance built in AI features keep things running fast and efficiently. And if you're looking for perks, Lenovo Pro gives you exclusive business benefits, extra savings and access to essential tools. Stop hitting snooze on new tech. Win the tech search for business [e-mail].

[Metro Advertiser]

PayPal lets you pay all your pals.

[Eddie]

Like your graduation gifters. Who's paying for the mattress topper?

[Metro Advertiser]

You mean the beanbag chair?

[Eddie]

Aren't we getting a mini fridge? Can we create a pool on PayPal? It lets us collect the money before we buy. Ooh yes, that's smart.

[Metro Advertiser]

Glad we can agree on something easily.

[Eddie]

Pool, split and Send Money with PayPal get started in the PayPal app. A PayPal account is required to send and receive money. A balance account is required to create a pool.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Hey, it's Ryan Seacrest for Albertsons and Safeway with the Stock up sale at Safeway and Albertsons. Stock up and earn four times points at your local store when you purchase participating products. Save now on your favorite beverages, from Red Bull to Coke Monster 7Up body armor and Pepsi. Clip the offer in the app for event savings and look for participating items throughout the store. Shop in store or online. Plus you can even have your groceries delivered or use Drive up and go to have your groceries brought to your car at the store. Restrictions and exclusions apply. Visit Albertsons or Safeway.com for more details.

[LifeLock Advertiser]

Not everyone who handles your personal information is going to be as careful as you are, and it only takes one mistake to expose it to hackers and identity theft. Maybe that's why there's a new victim of identity theft every five seconds in the United States. Fortunately, there's LifeLock. LifeLock monitors hundreds of millions of data points a second for threats to your identity if your identity is stolen, a LifeLock US based restoration specialist will help solve identity theft issues on your behalf, guaranteed or your money back. Plus, all LifeLock plans are backed by the million dollar protection package, meaning LifeLock will reimburse you up to the limits of your plan if you lose money due to identity theft. You can't control how diligent others are with your personal information, but with Lifelock, you can help protect it. Act now and save up to 40% your first year. Call 1-800-LIFELOCK and use promo code iheart or go to lifelock.com iheart for 40% off. Terms apply.