My Favorite Y.A. Author - Dana Claire

Summary

Podcast Summary: Tosh Show – Episode “My Favorite Y.A. Author” with Dana Claire

Introduction to the Episode
Timestamp: [01:29–01:56]
In this episode of the "Tosh Show," hosted by Daniel Tosh of iHeartPodcasts, comedian Daniel Tosh welcomes Dana Claire, a prolific Young Adult (Y.A.) author. The conversation sets the stage for an in-depth exploration of Dana’s work, her journey as an author, and her insights into the Y.A. genre.

Political Satire and Election Commentary
Timestamp: [01:56–05:01]
Before diving into the main content, Daniel Tosh injects his signature humor with satirical commentary on the political climate and impending elections. He quips about the absurdities of ballot propositions, stating, “It’s always like, vote yes on 18, no on 19. There’s never a box for maybe” ([02:57]). His tongue-in-cheek predictions about a prolonged election process and the possibility of multiple presidents serve as a humorous prelude to the episode.

Introducing Dana Claire
Timestamp: [09:04–09:41]
Dana Claire is introduced with a humorous yet intriguing narrative by Tosh, highlighting her career as an author who delves into themes like teenage sexuality and fantasy elements. Tosh remarks, “I was on borrowed time before the listening audience would discover our throbbing secret,” adding a playful tone to the introduction ([09:04]).

Dana Claire’s Ghost Story
Timestamp: [10:25–12:19]
Early in the conversation, Dana shares a personal ghost story that adds depth to her character. She recounts an encounter where she believes her deceased mother communicated the location of a cherished item, a broken Yadro statue, saying, “The Lladro is in one of the kitchen cabinets” ([10:50]). Daniel Tosh humorously responds, “I just wish she would have been more specific than one of the cabinets” ([11:56]), blending empathy with his comedic style.

Deep Dive into Young Adult Literature
Timestamp: [12:19–22:08]
The bulk of the episode focuses on Y.A. literature. Dana explains the evolution of the genre, noting its shift from targeting ages 13-18 to including older teens ([12:36]). She cites the influence of popular series like "Twilight," which she describes as “trash” yet acknowledges its massive impact on Y.A. readership ([12:49]). Dana elaborates on common tropes in Y.A. novels, such as “enemies to lovers” and “forbidden romance,” emphasizing their role in hooking readers ([13:22]).

Publishing Insights: Self-Publishing vs. Traditional
Timestamp: [17:05–19:21]
Dana shares her journey from self-publishing to traditional publishing, highlighting the challenges and successes along the way. She admits, “I failed miserably. I literally put it on Amazon” ([17:49]), but eventually found success with her book "War of the Sea," which won five awards. Dana advocates for a hybrid publishing approach, combining self-publishing benefits with traditional marketing strategies, stating, “I think hybrid is the way to go” ([19:00]).

Clean vs. Spicy Romance in Y.A. Novels
Timestamp: [19:21–27:07]
A significant portion of the discussion centers on the balance between clean and spicy content in Y.A. romance novels. Dana explains her preference for clean romance due to personal reasons, including her father reading her work, which discourages explicit content ([19:37]). She contrasts her style with more risqué authors, discussing reader expectations and the impact of graphic content on her audience. Dana notes, “Nobody’s ever raw dogging it in the books. It’s true” ([37:56]), highlighting the uniqueness of clean romance in the genre.

Experiences with Book Signings
Timestamp: [27:07–41:35]
Dana recounts her experiences at book signings, describing the quirky and sometimes outrageous requests she receives from fans. She shares amusing anecdotes about signing unconventional items, such as stuffed penises, and navigating fan interactions. Dana jokes, “Anybody ever ask you to sign their actual hog?” ([41:05]), illustrating the unpredictable nature of author-reader engagements.

Dana’s Side Hustle: Yoga Instruction
Timestamp: [30:33–43:35]
Beyond writing, Dana is also a yoga instructor, a role she discusses with humor and candidness. She talks about balancing her writing career with teaching yoga classes, sharing personal preferences and dislikes about the practice. Daniel Tosh engages in a playful back-and-forth about the challenges of maintaining yoga poses and Dana’s dedication to her side hustle, adding a relatable dimension to her multifaceted career.

Personal Anecdotes and Light-Hearted Banter
Timestamp: [43:35–47:43]
Throughout the episode, Dana and Daniel engage in light-hearted banter, sharing personal stories and playful teasing. Dana describes her involvement in the publishing business and her strategies for creating special edition books, while Daniel adds his comedic touch by discussing his irrational dislike for certain activities and items. This segment highlights their chemistry and the informal, conversational tone of the podcast.

Closing Remarks and Final Thoughts
Timestamp: [47:43–End]
As the episode winds down, Daniel Tosh humorously navigates through a mock advertisement segment, blending it seamlessly with the conversation. He wraps up by thanking Dana for her participation, making final jokes about her gifts and their quirky discussion points. The episode concludes with signature comedic elements, leaving listeners entertained and engaged.

Notable Quotes:

• Daniel Tosh on ballot propositions: “Maybe I write maybe in” ([02:57])
• Dana Claire on defining Y.A. literature: “Spell check. There’s Editors go wild” ([26:12])
• Daniel Tosh on family and creativity: “Once they pass, oh, the edge I’m gonna throw on this world” ([20:30])
• Dana Claire on publishing failures: “I failed miserably” ([17:49])
• Daniel Tosh on voter behavior: “They think I’m an idiot” ([12:19])
• Dana Claire on clean romance: “Nobody’s ever raw dogging it in the books. It’s true” ([37:56])

Conclusion
In this engaging episode of the "Tosh Show," Daniel Tosh and Dana Claire provide listeners with a blend of humor, personal storytelling, and insightful discussions on Young Adult literature. Dana’s experiences as an author and yoga instructor offer a unique perspective, while Daniel’s comedic interjections ensure an entertaining and informative listening experience. Whether you're a fan of Y.A. novels or simply enjoy a good laugh, this episode delivers a comprehensive look into the world of a dedicated author navigating the complexities of modern publishing and personal passions.

Transcript

[Host]

Now.

[Daniel Tosh]

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[Daniel Tosh]

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[Daniel Tosh]

Women in their late 30s have such an interest in reading books about vampires and fairies? Having orgies at a magic academy? Posh show. Posh Show. Tosh Show. PA Show. 3, 2. Welcome to the show. I'm Daniel Tosh. You like that, Eddie?

[Guest]

I do like that.

[Daniel Tosh]

I'm calling it the Show. It seems cooler. I feel like that's what the kids probably call this. Oh, the Show. Yeah. Hey, did you guys see the new show? Hey, it's Tuesday. What are you doing? I'm probably gonna check out the show. Who's on? Who cares? The show's on. The show's on. I'm gonna get that to spread. Let's start calling this the Show.

[Guest]

Amen.

[Daniel Tosh]

Why don't we just call it the show to begin with? Is there something else already called the Show?

[Guest]

I don't think so.

[Daniel Tosh]

Nothing in the history of entertainment has been called the show. It was the big show. This isn't the big show. It's just the show. Oh, man, I can't believe it's called that. I love it. All right, today is the first Tuesday of November. You know what that means? Insurrection. Insurrection. There's bad people on both sides, guys. I've said it. I've said it 100 times. Do you guys know what all the props are on the ballots?

[Guest]

No.

[Daniel Tosh]

Yeah, it's always like, vote yes on 18, no on 19. There's never a box for maybe. Maybe I write it in. I write maybe in.

[Guest]

We'll see.

[Daniel Tosh]

So when you guys see the tallies coming in later night, you're going to see one vote for maybe. Question mark. That's my vote. Hey, you think they're going to announce who the President of the United States is going to be by the end of tonight?

[Guest]

Never.

[Daniel Tosh]

I doubt it. It's going to be sad that this election's over because it's really been fun. Oh, yeah, the campaigning, it's just been fun. You're getting to see the best of America in an election year. I'm going to miss that. I think presidential terms should also be like Supreme Court justices for life, but every year we vote in another president. You don't understand what I'm saying. Yeah, lots of presidents. You're gonna have lots of presidents.

[Host]

I love it.

[Guest]

Are they sharing the house?

[Daniel Tosh]

Yeah, they all left. They all have to live there. It's a reality show. There's cameras everywhere. It's gonna be awesome. White House. It's called the White House. Yeah, yeah. There's a live feed or watch just the weekly put together package or you can just watch it all day long and they just all live there and they all have to agree on stuff and figure things out. Nobody's getting voted out until 1. They die and they die then. Okay, fine. But at any given time there can be, you know, 30, 40 presidents. I'm just spitballing. I'm just spitballing, guys. I don't have all the answers.

[Guest]

That's a great state of the union.

[Daniel Tosh]

Let's get on it. You know what country does it? Costa Rica.

[Guest]

Oh, yeah. You have to look.

[Daniel Tosh]

I don't know, you know, you know, what country actually does this? It's not, it's not a unique idea. Nicaragua.

[Guest]

They got it together down there.

[Daniel Tosh]

Yeah, that worked. Columbia. I'm pretty sure Colombia does this too.

[Guest]

The few of these places are nailing it, you know?

[Daniel Tosh]

You know, actually, which country does this? Turks and Caicos.

[Host]

Yeah.

[Daniel Tosh]

Oh, yeah. They got it figured out there. People love it there People love Turks and Caicos. Did you know that originally it was just one country?

[Guest]

Turks didn't know that.

[Daniel Tosh]

That was Caicos. You know, another thing I'd like to point out, whoever wins this election, you know, if Kamala wins because she's the better person and better candidate, that's great. Now, if Trump wins, I'd love to check in on these people's lives that have been so horrible the past four years and just see how amazing their lives are now. Did he fix all your problems? That would be fun. That'd be fun to check in with him. I don't even to be honest with you, I probably shouldn't admit this on a comedy podcast, but do I really vote? Well, I get a ballot and my wife gets a ballot and she fills both of them out for me. Okay, she fills mine out for me. Now, we agree politically, but sometimes she's like, oh, I'm not going to vote to legalize gambling in the state of California. And I get furious. I'm like, but that's what I want. And she's like, fuck you. Technically, I guess that is voter fraud. But, you know, what are you going to do? I'll tell you what we need right now in this moment, the ultimate distraction for the political unrest. And it's today's guest, an author who focuses on teenagers that are not old enough to vote. Getting fingered by monsters and unicorns.

[Guest]

Yeah.

[Daniel Tosh]

Enjoy the flavor, the tradition and the.

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[Daniel Tosh]

Paw Show. My guest today is an author who uses her art form to explore what makes teenagers so damn sexy. And as she sat down across a rather drab table from me in a dark studio on the outskirts of la, my heart began pounding, knowing all too well our eyes would soon meet. And with every slow, deliberate adjustment of my microphone, I knew I was on borrowed time before the listening audience would discover our throbbing secret. Please welcome Dana Clare.

[Host]

What an intro.

[Daniel Tosh]

How was it?

[Host]

Oh, it was good, thank you.

[Daniel Tosh]

It had the word throbbing in it. And I know that. That. That is definitely. You have to tick that box.

[Host]

Yes, throbbing is definitely what gets the kids to read your books these days.

[Daniel Tosh]

Do you say tick or do you say check? Like when you're talking about boxes? Like, oh, that checked a lot of boxes or do you say that ticked a lot of boxes?

[Host]

I say check.

[Daniel Tosh]

Most people do. But I think the right. I think the correct thing is tick. Am I wrong?

[Guest]

I think you're right.

[Daniel Tosh]

I think I'm right. That's all I need. That's my fact checker. He just basically goes, I think you're right every time.

[Host]

But it's really about perception being reality. So even if your fact checker is right, what does the rest of the world think?

[Daniel Tosh]

They think I'm an idiot.

[Host]

I don't think so.

[Daniel Tosh]

Dana, do you believe in ghosts?

[Host]

Yes.

[Daniel Tosh]

Good.

[Host]

Thanks.

[Daniel Tosh]

Finally. Now convince me.

[Host]

I Mean, how can they not be? What happens after somebody dies but isn't ready to go to the beyond?

[Daniel Tosh]

It's just human souls that are the ghosts?

[Host]

I think so.

[Daniel Tosh]

Okay.

[Host]

Yeah.

[Daniel Tosh]

Have you ever had an interaction with a ghost?

[Host]

Oh, man. Kind of. Oh, you want me to tell you?

[Daniel Tosh]

Yeah, I do.

[Host]

Okay.

[Daniel Tosh]

So unless it's hard to believe.

[Host]

Well, it's probably gonna be hard to believe.

[Daniel Tosh]

Okay.

[Host]

But my mom passed, and I was in my late twenties, and the night that she passed, my dad was trying to get all the things together that were going to go inside her coffin. I know this is, like, a sad story. So he's, like, putting all this. She had a whole list. She knew she was dying, so we planned this out. So anyway, he's, like, putting everything together because he doesn't want to forget it. And he couldn't find this broken Yadro. Do you know what a Yadro is?

[Daniel Tosh]

I don't.

[Host]

Okay. It's a very expensive statue. It was, like, the first very expensive present I gave my mother when I was younger. So I broke it in good old kid fashion. I elbowed it, it fell. So the broken one my mom wanted to be buried with, and he just couldn't find it. Later that night, I kind of had a dream that someone sat on the edge of my bed. And I, like, woke up, and there was, like, a figure, but I didn't quite see it, and it told me where the Lladro was. The next morning, I woke up and I said to my dad, I kind of think I saw mom last night. And she said, the Lladro is in one of the kitchen cabinets. And sure enough, it was in a kitchen cabinet.

[Daniel Tosh]

I mean. Okay, it's a heartwarming story, and I'm not going to discredit it. I just wish she would have been more specific than one of the cabinets.

[Host]

Right, yeah, yeah, I know.

[Daniel Tosh]

A little vague.

[Host]

Or she could have given me, like, the pick six numbers, too. Like, if she really wanted to help me out.

[Daniel Tosh]

Well, I don't. I don't know. Just because you're a ghost, I don't believe that they can see into the future.

[Host]

No. All right, that's fair. You're right.

[Daniel Tosh]

Is Dana Clare your pen name?

[Host]

Dana Clare is my first and middle name.

[Daniel Tosh]

Interesting. All right, talk to me like I. Like I'm an idiot. So it's going to be a big stretch. Okay, explain to me what Young Adult is. The whole genre, the books, and why people are so into them. Go on.

[Host]

Okay, so Young Adult is supposed to be, like, 13 to 18. But over the last decade it's really kind of evolved to that, like 17 to 19. And it's gotten spicy, which is why. Have you heard Twilight?

[Daniel Tosh]

Yeah.

[Host]

Yeah. So like that was really when I think young adult went skyrocketed and people were like, we must jump on this train.

[Daniel Tosh]

By the way, Twilight Unwatchable. Really Unwatchable. It looks like it shot off a cell phone fair.

[Host]

But a lot of people did watch it.

[Daniel Tosh]

Uh huh.

[Host]

Yeah.

[Daniel Tosh]

Everyone watched it.

[Host]

Yeah, everyone.

[Daniel Tosh]

Garbage. Garbage that just complete. There's a hook garbage.

[Host]

But do you know why?

[Daniel Tosh]

Why?

[Host]

Why people love so much?

[Daniel Tosh]

They're all hot dudes turning into werewolves.

[Host]

Yes, but sure, but the tropes. Do you know what a trope is?

[Daniel Tosh]

Mm, mm.

[Host]

Okay, so a trope is like enemies to lovers or forbidden romance. Things like that. Where people love the idea of like, he wanted to devour her. You talked about throbbing before. Devour is a good one too. And he wanted to eat her. And then all this like, I can't have you. I can't have you. He's like centuries old. She's like 16. It's like taboo. These are things that hook people.

[Daniel Tosh]

What's his name? Tried to eat people. He got canceled for it. What's his name? Army Hammer. Army Hammer. That guy, he was real into cannibalism or something. I don't know Exactly.

[Host]

That's not as catchy.

[Daniel Tosh]

You grew up in New Jersey but always tell people you're from New York?

[Host]

I do.

[Daniel Tosh]

Do you do that because New Jersey is depressing.

[Host]

Yes. Other people are always like, oh, the armpit of America. And I'm like, no, it's beautiful. It has horse farms.

[Daniel Tosh]

Well then why don't you embrace it? Be the sunshine that it needs.

[Host]

Yeah, it really does need like some positive marketing to it. Some PR for New Jersey. But I lived in New York for over 10 years, so like, I feel like that counts. Yeah.

[Daniel Tosh]

Well, yeah. You're not from there.

[Host]

No, I'm not.

[Daniel Tosh]

I'm from Florida.

[Host]

Oh.

[Daniel Tosh]

Born in Germany. You know, I've got those two nooses around my neck. I have to embrace them.

[Host]

Do you talk about them a lot?

[Daniel Tosh]

Uh, no.

[Host]

Right. Feels fair.

[Daniel Tosh]

Then you went to the University of Delaware and studied English.

[Host]

I did.

[Daniel Tosh]

How was your time at the University of Delaware?

[Host]

I loved it. I was an English major though. Cause I was failing every other class and my advisor was like, hey, you do really well at English. Why don't you take that on as a major?

[Daniel Tosh]

Give me some of the jobs that you had from college, out of college. Et cetera, before you got into this current world?

[Host]

Well, I was a bartender.

[Daniel Tosh]

Were you a good bartender?

[Host]

I was fantastic. As long as you didn't order anything too complicated.

[Daniel Tosh]

Okay. Did you have attitude?

[Host]

I had attitude. I had sass. I was loving it. You know, give me a stage and a spotlight and.

[Daniel Tosh]

Did you love the movie Coyote Ugly?

[Host]

Oh, my God. Do you wanna hear a story?

[Daniel Tosh]

Yep.

[Host]

Okay.

[Daniel Tosh]

So that's why we're here.

[Host]

Yeah. Okay, so. Oh, my God. This is so going far in the wrong direction, but. So that is actually called. That Coyote Ugly movie was based off a Red Rock bar. I had an audition for it. And I'm also a really good dancer. I danced my whole life. Yeah, I teach bar songs.

[Daniel Tosh]

I believe it. Go on.

[Host]

You already see this. Okay, so I loved it. I mean, I loved the dance. I loved being on the bar. There was a part where you have to pour cold water on yourself. And I'm allergic to cold water. I have cold uria. So, like, I couldn't physically do the job. And that's why I didn't take it.

[Daniel Tosh]

I mean, I'm not. I don't. You're gonna take this the wrong way.

[DSW Voice]

No, I'm not.

[Host]

I'm gonna love it.

[Daniel Tosh]

But you're kind of like a witch.

[Host]

I believe in ghosts.

[Daniel Tosh]

If I threw a bucket of water on you. Yeah, you're done.

[Host]

I'm so done.

[Daniel Tosh]

I've never heard of such an allergy.

[Host]

I know.

[Daniel Tosh]

So, like, you could never do a cold plunge?

[Host]

No, no. It would kill me.

[Daniel Tosh]

It would actually kill you.

[Host]

It would actually kill me. So there are, like, things I'm not allowed to do. I have an EpiPen.

[Daniel Tosh]

What's the temp?

[Host]

I don't know. The way they figured it out is I ended up in the er, like, a bunch of different times, and I had to start keeping a diary. And it would be like, after a cold shower, after I went in the ocean. So then they started to be like, something's happening. So they put an ice pack on my arm, and my arm blew up with hives. And they were like, oh, she has cold urticaria.

[Daniel Tosh]

Cold urticaria, yeah. I'm so excited that I learned something today.

[Host]

Thank you.

[Daniel Tosh]

How many books have you written?

[Host]

10 that are published, but I have, like, another eight that aren't out yet.

[Daniel Tosh]

How long does it take you to write a book?

[Host]

It depends how much time I have.

[Daniel Tosh]

I mean, I. Shortest time you've ever written a book.

[Host]

Two months.

[Daniel Tosh]

Two months? How many pages is that?

[Host]

A word count is what we normally.

[Daniel Tosh]

Go by word count.

[Host]

Yeah. About 80 to 90,000 words, which is approximately, depending on how the book is. Around, like 350 pages.

[Daniel Tosh]

Okay. All right, so continue. How did you get into it?

[Host]

So I went into sales and business and made a lot of money, but very busy. Lots of traveling, flying every week. The pandemic was the first time, I think, I don't know, since college. I actually was sitting there like, what do I do with myself? So I was like, I think I'm gonna start to write again. I haven't written in a really long time. And I just. The words just flowed out of me. And next thing you know, I was researching how to publish it. What's the difference between self pub and traditional publishing? Which I'm a hybrid, so I'm both.

[Daniel Tosh]

Okay.

[Host]

And that was it. That was really what it is. I just had time. For the first time ever, I didn't have a job.

[Daniel Tosh]

You write the book? You finished writing the book?

[Host]

Yeah.

[Daniel Tosh]

How does it go from that to people actually reading it?

[Host]

Oh, I failed miserably. I literally put it on Amazon. I didn't even know what I was doing. I didn't even have a proofreader or an editor. I knew nothing when I first did it. I was lucky. I had 500 people buy it, and that was just family and friends. It was after that tragic downfall. The first book I wrote was called the Connection, which I'm thankful they didn't bring up. War of the Sea was like my big hit. That was the one where I started to get recognition. So I did it terribly and realized that, what am I really good at? Business. So go back to the drawing board. Learn everything you possibly can about the publishing industry, and then let's do it again. And that's when I got picked up by my publisher.

[Daniel Tosh]

And then things took off on things. The next swing.

[Host]

Then they. The next swing, they started to take off. Yes. So War of the Sea came out. That won five awards. The Hunterland series came out. That's actually optioned for TV right now.

[Daniel Tosh]

Is that always the goal or is it just in the back of your mind? Are you like, no, I want to write the best young adult novel that I can, and I don't care whether it gets picked up for tv.

[Host]

No, I wrote that to market. I was like, this could go on TV tomorrow. You've got some people that write what's called bespoke, which is outside of the box. It's not writing to market. You don't have an exact audience. But those are not the people that Are looking to get picked up by a big publisher or make that into a TV show.

[Daniel Tosh]

Is it better to self publish?

[Host]

Honestly? Yes, I think so. You make a heck of a lot more money, but I think hybrid is the way to go. So you can take your marketing that you have from your publisher or some of the promos that you get, like going to Instar, Barnes and Nobles, and then you can say, well, I also have all of this over here. Because once you have a reader read one of your books, they normally, if they like, you devour all of it.

[Daniel Tosh]

Now you write, correct me if I'm wrong, Clean young adult. Is that. Is that what it is?

[Host]

It's clean. So I'm just about to get into that spicy romance next year.

[Daniel Tosh]

So you're like, the hallmark of young adult?

[Host]

Yeah.

[Daniel Tosh]

Like, how far? Like Hallmark? They take it to a kiss in their movies. That's it. Are you guys making out in your book?

[Host]

There's, like, heavy, petty. That's, like, where we stop.

[Daniel Tosh]

Oh, over. Under the shirt.

[Host]

Over.

[Daniel Tosh]

Okay.

[Host]

Yeah, man. I know, but it's going under next year because let me tell you now.

[Daniel Tosh]

You write clean because you have certain family members that you don't want to upset. Is that. Is that partially true?

[Host]

Yeah. My dad reads everything I write, so I was like. When I first wrote my first spicy book, I'm like, I can't do this. I just cannot have my father read this. But my husband came home and he was like, those spicy romance authors sure make a lot of money. I'm thinking you need to change your ways. Yeah.

[Daniel Tosh]

I've always kind of done comedy where I know that my parents are listening. My mom's listening right now. She's just like, why do you have to say these horrible things? But I always say, once they pass, oh, the edge I'm gonna throw on this world.

[Host]

Oh, no.

[Daniel Tosh]

So do you have that in your head? Like, oh, Couple key family members were out of the picture. I'm going to write some real juice.

[Host]

Yes, I do. But I feel like my dad's not going to die for a long time, so I'm just going to have to do it now.

[Daniel Tosh]

Let's have him around for a long time.

[Host]

We do.

[Daniel Tosh]

He's leaving a lot of money on the table.

[Host]

Yeah, he is. He is. I'm telling you these. When I go to these book signings and readers come up to me and they ask me, like, what's your spice level? They are hungry for the spice.

[Daniel Tosh]

What is your spice level?

[Host]

I'm probably like a two or three peppers. But a five pepper is, like, everyone's fan favorite.

[Daniel Tosh]

Gosh.

[Host]

I mean, the things that book signings that happen are crazy with just writing clean romance.

[Daniel Tosh]

Do you have photos in your books?

[Host]

Yes. A lot of authors are now doing that. I mean, I just saw yesterday morning a cock with tentacles around it. Because it was a fantasy novel. It was wild. There is a book called A Court of Thorns and Roses. That's fay porn. It's literally about fairies. And it's Fae porn. And people love it. They devour it.

[Daniel Tosh]

What level do you take the heat back? Like, how far? I mean, does it, like, full.

[Host]

So. So far?

[Daniel Tosh]

If you do. I know, but if you did a 5.5jalapeno or whatever you call it, is it, like, penetration? Are they writing about all of it?

[Host]

Oh, God, yes. In all different places, multiple times. You know, there's a genre called reverse harem. So it's a girl just. It's like a gang bang. But it's like, okay.

[Daniel Tosh]

And you just read it.

[Host]

They read it. Oh, my God. People get lost in these worlds. You have no idea what these conferences are like. When readers come in, they are savage.

[Daniel Tosh]

What are the conference and who are these fans? Are they questionable? Do you worry about who some of these like, hey, you're not meant to be reading this book.

[Host]

Oh, yeah. I mean, I've had the weirdest requests. I've said no to some of them. I've been like, okay, maybe like, can you sign your name and a penis next to it? Scrub squirting. Jizz. And I'm like, I write clean romance, but, okay, I'll try.

[Daniel Tosh]

They want. They want you to draw jizz?

[Host]

Yes.

[Daniel Tosh]

When you knew you wanted to be an author, was it always going to be in this genre?

[Host]

I think so. It has the most angst. And it's like, you're not dealing with the drama of, like, you know, a spouse cheating on you or, like, you know, things that my age would actually have to deal with. It's like, remember when you were in high school and it was just about the person you were, like, madly and deeply in love with and, like, making the cheerleading team or the football team or, I don't know, whatever you were into.

[Daniel Tosh]

I wasn't into either.

[Host]

Okay, what were you into? What would I write about if I was writing about you?

[Daniel Tosh]

I don't know. My memory of high school is so cloudy. No, I don't know if it's revisionist or. I just kind of wanted to get through it, you know?

[Host]

You didn't enjoy high school?

[Daniel Tosh]

I mean, I liked it fine, and I had friends that I enjoyed, but I kind of was like, well, this isn't it.

[Host]

Okay.

[Daniel Tosh]

I was never somebody. Like, these are the best years of my life. If people. If I truly believed when people said, these are the best years of your life, I would have killed myself.

[Host]

Oh, my goodness. Okay. I could see that, too. Those were not the best years of my life either. No, no.

[Daniel Tosh]

You live in the now.

[Host]

Yeah.

[Daniel Tosh]

This is the best time of your life.

[Host]

I'm a yoga teacher. We're all about the present.

[Daniel Tosh]

I love it. You're married?

[Host]

I am.

[Daniel Tosh]

How long?

[Host]

Five years.

[Daniel Tosh]

Five years?

[Host]

Yes. I love him.

[Daniel Tosh]

Well, sure you should.

[Host]

No, like, I really love him.

[Daniel Tosh]

How long have you dated before you got married?

[Host]

We were on our second date. We're like, we should get married.

[Daniel Tosh]

Oh, that's a disaster.

[Host]

But we've been together for almost seven years.

[Daniel Tosh]

Okay, so you said it after your second date, but you didn't do it after your second date. You waited the proper amount of time. Two years.

[Host]

Well, we know. We got engaged 30 days later, and then we waited for the wedding.

[Daniel Tosh]

Okay, that's fine.

[Host]

Yeah. Yeah, that's fine.

[Daniel Tosh]

Is your first marriage?

[Host]

No.

[Daniel Tosh]

How many?

[Host]

Well, I've been. This is a rabbit hole. I've been proposed to a lot.

[Daniel Tosh]

Well, that's awesome.

[Host]

Yeah. But I was like a runaway bride for a little bit, but then I did, and then we were divorced like 90 days later. So very Kim Kardashian of me.

[Daniel Tosh]

Didn't even count. No, I mean, it. It counts in the eyes of the Lord, and you'll have to deal with that at some point.

[Host]

Yes, at Judgment Day.

[Daniel Tosh]

All right, so you're happily married now, and you really do love this guy.

[Host]

Oh, yeah.

[Daniel Tosh]

If you don't mind, is he older or younger than you?

[Host]

I like him young. He's six and a half years younger than me.

[Daniel Tosh]

Six and a half years younger.

[Host]

Y.

[Daniel Tosh]

That's good. I mean, it's not like, record breaking.

[Host]

No, I mean, you're right.

[Daniel Tosh]

You're not dating like a, you know, waiting for a kid to turn 18.

[Host]

No, no.

[Daniel Tosh]

That'd be fun.

[Host]

That would. Although that would help with the demographics of what I write. Right.

[Daniel Tosh]

Let's get into this Olympian wars series. You have War of the Sea, War of the Land, and War of the Mind. Tell me, where are we warring next?

[Host]

No, that one's over. That's. That's a trilogy. And it's done.

[Daniel Tosh]

It's done.

[Host]

It's done.

[Daniel Tosh]

You could always do a prequel.

[Host]

I could. I love that. You know what? A prequel is. You know what a novella is?

[Daniel Tosh]

I know it.

[Host]

So proud of you.

[Daniel Tosh]

It seems like I'm like a 7 year old. I think my son is 5 and knows what a prequel is. That's funny. Did you write Monsters? Easy. Falling in love, that could be deadly.

[Host]

I think that's the tagline from my book.

[Daniel Tosh]

It's a tagline from Hunterland?

[Host]

Yes, it is.

[Daniel Tosh]

Did you write that tagline?

[Host]

I feel like there might be a couple words missing in there, but yes, the tagline was monsters.

[Daniel Tosh]

Easy. Falling in love. That could be deadly. Oh, man, that's good.

[Host]

Yeah. There you go. That was much better.

[Daniel Tosh]

Silver bullets aren't enough to protect your heart.

[Host]

Yeah. Yep.

[Daniel Tosh]

I could just melt.

[Host]

What? Right.

[Daniel Tosh]

Right here. I love it. Man. You had a busy pandemic.

[Host]

Sure did.

[Daniel Tosh]

As a writer, is spelling important?

[Host]

No. There's spell check. There's Editors go wild.

[Daniel Tosh]

I can't spell it all.

[Host]

We also make up a lot of words.

[Daniel Tosh]

Do you?

[Host]

Yes.

[Daniel Tosh]

Like for what?

[Host]

For everything. It's fiction.

[Daniel Tosh]

You say you just make up words.

[Host]

You can make up words left and right.

[Daniel Tosh]

Talk to me about your process. Like how regimented are you? Do you wake up at 4:30 every morning and start writing for six hours?

[Host]

I do wake up at 4:30 every morning, but not to start writing, to start working. Because I own a company in the publishing industry as well.

[Daniel Tosh]

You wake up at 4:30?

[Host]

I do.

[Daniel Tosh]

What time do you go to bed?

[Host]

Probably around like 10.

[Daniel Tosh]

Ugh, that's not enough sleep.

[Host]

It's not.

[Daniel Tosh]

You nap?

[Host]

I do not.

[Daniel Tosh]

You don't nap?

[Host]

No, I have a lot of energy.

[Daniel Tosh]

I love napping.

[Host]

Oh, well, naps are great. The Europeans do it.

[Daniel Tosh]

I can naps, like just like this, just sitting straight up. I can just close my eyes and fall asleep within three minutes.

[Host]

And your body doesn't go anywhere?

[Daniel Tosh]

No.

[Host]

You just stay upright.

[Daniel Tosh]

I can. I can do it.

[Host]

That's like a trick.

[Daniel Tosh]

Yeah. How annoying are reviews?

[Host]

I think they're entertaining. I once had my favorite review. It was a one star. It said, this book is just too ya. Thank you.

[Daniel Tosh]

You fuck with Kindles?

[Host]

Do I fuck with them? Like, yeah, I read off of them.

[Daniel Tosh]

You like Kindles?

[Host]

Do you read book books? Do you read off Kindles?

[Daniel Tosh]

No, I prefer book.

[Host]

That's what I mean, a book book. Like a physical book.

[Daniel Tosh]

Oh, I. Sorry, I didn't hear you say book.

[Host]

Book.

[Daniel Tosh]

Sorry, I thought you said.

[Host]

Are you a paperback or a hardback?

[Daniel Tosh]

Hardback.

[Host]

Yeah.

[Daniel Tosh]

I like to. I like to spend.

[Host]

Yeah.

[Daniel Tosh]

I like to make sure that money goes.

[Host]

You're my ideal icp.

[Daniel Tosh]

Does young adult come in hardcover?

[Host]

Sure does.

[Daniel Tosh]

Okay.

[Host]

The spicier it is, the harder. Just kidding.

[Daniel Tosh]

There's your tagline. Does the same person make the COVID art for every romance novel? No, it seems very similar.

[Host]

Oh, because of the naked men?

[Daniel Tosh]

I don't know. Just all of them?

[Host]

Well, no. I mean, there's like, cover design artists. There's like thousands of them.

[Daniel Tosh]

Okay.

[Host]

And now there's what's called discreet covers. So where do you remember the Fabio covers from? Like, back in our parents.

[Daniel Tosh]

You kidding me? I know Fabio. You do love that man.

[Host]

What great hair.

[Daniel Tosh]

Well, I don't know if it's still great, but. Yeah, he. At one point.

[Host]

One. At one point. It was lovely. It was like a Pantene commercial.

[Daniel Tosh]

Do I know Fabio? Sure.

[Host]

I don't know.

[Daniel Tosh]

Didn't we do a bit with him? Oh, yeah, yeah, for sure. Yeah, I know. Okay. All right. That's how I say I know him. If I've worked with them one time, I know you know him.

[Host]

Best friends have friendships.

[Daniel Tosh]

No, we're not best friends, but he seemed. I get him and Cato Kalin confused a lot.

[Host]

They're very similar.

[Daniel Tosh]

All right, Fabio.

[Host]

Okay, Fabio. So remember those covers?

[Daniel Tosh]

Yes.

[Host]

So now fast forward in the present, we don't have those types of covers anymore. You have two versions of covers. You have the male wearing nothing, like no shirt. Right. And then you have what's called a discreet cover, which is probably like big typography and flowers. So you get those two different types of covers.

[Daniel Tosh]

You knew we were going here. Let's talk Fourth Wing. Where do you stand and how would you rate Iron Flame? And are you excited about Onyx Storm?

[Host]

I. You don't even know what these books are.

[Daniel Tosh]

Of course not.

[Host]

I love you.

[Daniel Tosh]

I. Not a clue.

[Host]

Well, I think Fourth Wing changed my business. Not my author career, but the business that I own, which is called the inkfluence, because 4th Wing's publisher decided when they launched the book that they would launch a special edition. That version, that limited version, would be the first, I think, like 50,000 books that they sold. And that changed the course of everything. After that happened and how popular it was. Every author under the sun wanted a special edition.

[Daniel Tosh]

Your company that you started, does it help other writers?

[Host]

It does. Yep.

[Daniel Tosh]

Well, see, now, Pete, his wife, she's a writer too. My wife's a writer. They both write film and television, but they're always trying to write other things. Pete's wife, Sam, she wrote a mystery novel that I'm Told is amazing.

[Host]

What is it?

[Daniel Tosh]

Can you get it off? Get it going? Cause she hasn't found the publisher. I don't know what the hang up is, but she needs help.

[Host]

She needs help.

[Daniel Tosh]

My wife wrote a poetry book.

[Host]

Ooh.

[Daniel Tosh]

And she wants help getting that published.

[Host]

So that's a publishing house. What we do is we work with publishing houses and we work with authors to create special editions. And special editions are the books that have foil or sprayed edges or spot gloss, uv, just some special embellishments on them. And then we produce them overseas. Because I've been an importer for China for over 20 years.

[Daniel Tosh]

Oh.

[Host]

And that business blew up in less than six months. We're at seven figures.

[Daniel Tosh]

Let's get into your side hustle, which is a yoga instructor.

[Host]

Yeah.

[Daniel Tosh]

You taught?

[Host]

Oh yeah.

[Daniel Tosh]

Countless amount of classes.

[Host]

Oh yeah. Like 13 a week on top of a full time job. I love teaching yoga.

[Daniel Tosh]

Okay, let's get into it. How did you become a yoga instructor? You went to a class and were like, oh, I could do this.

[Host]

No. My dad actually owned fitness clubs when I was little. So I was like this three year old, like climbing on the adductor and abductor machines. Just loved the gym. And then when I came out to la, started to get more into yoga and I was like bitching to my dad about how expensive it is and he was like, just go teach, then it'll be free. I was like, huh, I'm a public speaker.

[Daniel Tosh]

When did you move to LA?

[Host]

2013.

[Daniel Tosh]

Okay, all right. So you went to a class. What class did you go to? Do you remember?

[Host]

Yeah, I will Never forget. Had 8 yoga bar class on a second date.

[Daniel Tosh]

Where is it hot?

[Host]

8 yoga in Santa Monica. And I took a bar class on a date. Which is like not the best thing to do on a date.

[Daniel Tosh]

I don't know.

[Host]

Yeah, just like real sweaty, you know.

[Daniel Tosh]

I've never been to a yoga class.

[Host]

Oh, that's gonna change.

[Daniel Tosh]

No, it's not.

[Host]

Yes, I'm bringing you. I will drag you by your ears.

[Daniel Tosh]

It's not my thing. It's not my thing.

[Host]

It could be your thing. You don't know.

[Daniel Tosh]

I had one of my family members, one of my wife's family members was a yoga instructor and she taught us at the house.

[Host]

But there was no heat.

[Daniel Tosh]

Oh no, I don't do heat. But hold on, let me just point out some things that I remember hating.

[Host]

Okay, go ahead.

[Daniel Tosh]

Like she says. Okay, now lay on your favorite side. I'm like, what? What the fuck are you doing?

[Host]

That was A lot of pressure.

[Daniel Tosh]

I don't have a favorite side. What does that mean, my favorite side? Oh, I love this side.

[Host]

Well, it's supposed to be energy, right?

[Daniel Tosh]

I know.

[Host]

I don't like that talk. You don't like that talk? Okay, well, I'm very like. I do high energy yoga classes, like yoga sculpt. So there's no like, you know, your feelings are involved. What's.

[Daniel Tosh]

What's good? I don't like the feelings.

[Host]

Bullshit. No, I don't have time for that. We need to make me about the.

[Daniel Tosh]

Temperature for hot yoga. What is it? What's it at?

[Host]

Well, it's.

[Daniel Tosh]

I don't mind.

[Host]

What temperature will get you in the class?

[Daniel Tosh]

No. I don't know.

[Host]

No. All right. Like 110.

[Daniel Tosh]

That's the temperature?

[Host]

Yeah. 105. Will that work?

[Daniel Tosh]

No. What's the percentage in your classes versus a guy girl? Just out of curiosity.

[Host]

Oh, it depends. I have a lot of guys in my classes.

[Daniel Tosh]

I don't like smell.

[Host]

Well, right.

[Daniel Tosh]

I hate smell. If I smell someone, I'm just like.

[Host]

Ugh, you could move.

[Daniel Tosh]

I hate hearing noises.

[Host]

So you hate living?

[Daniel Tosh]

I don't like people looking at me. I don't like to look at other people.

[Host]

I teach at sweat and there's no lights and no mirrors. You don't see anybody.

[Daniel Tosh]

Oh, gross.

[Host]

That's worse.

[Daniel Tosh]

I don't. It just seems gross. People are touching.

[Host]

I'm telling you. I've had a lot of famous people in my class.

[Daniel Tosh]

I'm sure. Who are some of the famous people.

[Host]

Oh, well, Vince Vaughn is lovely. He's just a lovely man. But he is really terrible at yoga. I think it's because he's so big and height. He is huge. He is a tall, tall man doing yoga.

[Daniel Tosh]

Sure, he's a tall man, but he's also a trumper.

[Host]

I had my high school crush once in class.

[Daniel Tosh]

Oh, why did make me saying Trumper make you think of that?

[Host]

I don't know. I was like, how do I shift gears?

[Daniel Tosh]

Wait, you had your high school crush in one of your classes?

[Host]

I did.

[Daniel Tosh]

Did he. Did he come looking to rekindle?

[Host]

No, no, no. I mean like I cried. No, he was like a famous person that I had a crush on when I was in high school.

[Daniel Tosh]

Oh, sorry. That's my fault.

[Host]

Yeah, I think that might have mine.

[Daniel Tosh]

Who was your high school crusher?

[Host]

Ryan Felipe. Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Daniel Tosh]

Are you kidding me? Cruel intentions.

[Host]

Yes, I'm tell what? Right. Like the best movie ever.

[Daniel Tosh]

And when they didn't, when they in real Life when their relationship didn't work out.

[Host]

Oh, my God, it was so sad. I know.

[Daniel Tosh]

But now that. But now they're kids. They're just like identical versions.

[Host]

Their kids are identical. It's clone, like, almost.

[Daniel Tosh]

It is that soundtrack of Cruel Intentions. I could just listen to that forever.

[Host]

One of the best movies, hands down.

[Daniel Tosh]

I don't think you're going to get anyone to argue with you. Oh, man.

[Host]

So does that mean you might try one of my yoga classes?

[Daniel Tosh]

No.

[Host]

Oh, so there was no convincing in any of this at all?

[Daniel Tosh]

No, I don't want to.

[Host]

Okay.

[Daniel Tosh]

Can you do crazy poses?

[Host]

Not in this outfit, but yeah.

[Daniel Tosh]

I'm almost 50 and my son, I go to his breakdancing class.

[Host]

He's five and he dances. Yeah. Yeah, I love that.

[Daniel Tosh]

Yeah. So anyway, I'm in his class and they're doing this pose where they're, you know, they're ciphering and he's teaching them different freestyle moves. But then they do this one thing and all the dads are watching this and I'm like, I can do that. And I just went out there and I did it.

[Host]

Better than your five year old?

[Daniel Tosh]

No, way better than my five year old, but not as good as the instructor. But, like, I held it. I held a position. It was pretty impressive.

[Host]

So you could do yoga is what I heard.

[Daniel Tosh]

Well, yeah, but I can also just fucking stretch on my own.

[Host]

Okay, so you do like stretching?

[Daniel Tosh]

No, I don't like it, but I'll do it.

[Host]

Okay.

[Daniel Tosh]

And when I get massages, I tell them to incorporate stretching.

[Host]

All right. So you don't have to do it on your own.

[Daniel Tosh]

That's lazy.

[Host]

That's so lazy.

[Daniel Tosh]

I know. It's so much better, though. Okay, I give everybody that's on the show a gift.

[Host]

Okay.

[Daniel Tosh]

Okay. But the gifts are just stuff that I find around my house that I don't want.

[Host]

How thoughtful of you.

[Daniel Tosh]

Well, it's. Listen, it started out as a way to get rid of stuff, and now it's still that.

[Host]

I'm excited.

[Daniel Tosh]

Okay. The first thing I'm giving you, it's an old journal that I didn't only use, like, three pages on. These are notes from the goat. It was a reality TV show I hosted and I only wrote three pages of notes, so I'll get rid of those.

[Host]

Oh, no, I want those. I want those. I want those.

[Daniel Tosh]

Those you don't get. Those are from the goat.

[Host]

That was the most valuable part of the gift.

[Daniel Tosh]

This is a book. This is a local artist. To my sweetheart. We have some of his pieces in our house. But he writes like. I don't know, he writes, like, cute things. Like, he writes on skateboards, but they're always, like little love letters. Little tiny little lovers.

[Host]

They're adorable.

[Daniel Tosh]

Yeah, you'll like it. There's some cute.

[Host]

You really want to part with them?

[Daniel Tosh]

Well, I have some of his art in my house, but, like, it's just random stuff. There's some cute stuff in there. You'll like that.

[Host]

I love that.

[Daniel Tosh]

Now, this next gift, it's to give it to some of your horny fans. Okay, Then legally, you probably can't do it, but I don't care, okay? Because I had a vasectomy.

[Host]

Oh, no.

[Daniel Tosh]

So my wife doesn't need any more birth control, so I just got all of her birth control. You just can give this to your fans.

[Host]

I think they would love that signed. I could.

[Daniel Tosh]

I don't know if you're legally allowed to give birth control away, but.

[Host]

But we give condoms away as gifts.

[Daniel Tosh]

Well, birth control's a little different, but.

[Host]

Okay.

[Daniel Tosh]

I just want. I just want. Right?

[Host]

And they could be expired.

[Daniel Tosh]

They're definitely expired.

[Host]

Okay, so not usable.

[Daniel Tosh]

No, I think. I think it's been proven that expired medicine still works.

[Host]

I agree with you.

[Daniel Tosh]

Okay, now get that off my desk, please.

[Host]

That's lovely.

[Daniel Tosh]

You're going to want to give that to people.

[Host]

Thank you so much. I've never been given something so considerate before.

[Daniel Tosh]

Well, I just think you're making these kids all horned up.

[Host]

Yes.

[Daniel Tosh]

And especially in the world we live in now where you're going to have to put that on the floor. I don't want that on the desk. You still want the dog to be my dog? Can't get pregnant either.

[Host]

Okay, great.

[Daniel Tosh]

But, you know, in a world where women's bodies are always a topic, and I just wanna make sure that, you know, I do my part. I do my part to keep them from having an unwanted pregnancy.

[Host]

Yeah, well. And I will tell you that all these spicy books do practice safe sex inside of them.

[Daniel Tosh]

Oh, you talk about putting condoms and stuff. They do.

[Host]

They do that a lot. Yeah.

[Daniel Tosh]

That's awful. Nobody's ever raw dogging it in the books. It's true.

[Host]

But they make it very clear why they're raw dogging it. Everyone's gotten tests like, oh, talk about a boner kill. Unless it's fantasy.

[Daniel Tosh]

How many pages of this boner kill do I have to get through fantasy?

[Host]

There's no hold bar because it's fantasy. So if, like, they're banging you with testicles or like, you know, octopus. Whatever. You should read some of these fantasy books. It's not just normal, you know, anatomy of the Human that gets in there.

[Daniel Tosh]

Oh, man, I don't know how I'm going to read with one hand.

[Host]

Challenge. Balance. Challenge.

[Daniel Tosh]

Yeah. You have a gift for me?

[Host]

I do. I have a bunch, so.

[Daniel Tosh]

A bunch?

[Host]

I wanted you to see all walks of my life, so I figured I would show you. This is what a special edition books looks like.

[Daniel Tosh]

Oh, my goodness. Look at this.

[Host]

Isn't that fun?

[Daniel Tosh]

Oh, my goodness. This looks like it's devil worshiping stuff.

[Host]

Devil worshiping. That's the first book in the series. And this is the second book in the series. And this is the one that's optioned for tv.

[Daniel Tosh]

This is punter lore. A deadly dance between predator and prey.

[Host]

Would you like to hear a full circle story about this, though? The way I got picked up was teaching a yoga class. The writer was in my class.

[Daniel Tosh]

Well.

[Host]

So I thought that was very cool. That was a full circle. We just did a full circle.

[Daniel Tosh]

All right. I thought it was a way to, like, get me into yoga.

[Host]

No. Oh, I got that. Ready?

[Daniel Tosh]

Olivia, chapter 13. Knowing Liam and Jack were going after a vamp nest while my father and Agent Hunter were researching. This is crazy.

[Host]

Would you like to narrate one of my books?

[Daniel Tosh]

Ooh.

[Host]

Cause.

[Daniel Tosh]

No.

[Host]

All right. Well, I tried. Right.

[Daniel Tosh]

Seems like a lot of work. I don't want this shit.

[Host]

I don't care. You're getting it when you.

[Daniel Tosh]

Oh, God damn it.

[Host]

Look it. It's everything you need for a class. You've got all of your stuff.

[Daniel Tosh]

This is not everything you need. You do. Made in China.

[Host]

I know.

[Daniel Tosh]

You keep trying to act like you and China are in cahoots.

[Host]

Next time you come, take my time.

[Daniel Tosh]

This doesn't feel like it's that gr. Is this good? Is this good quality? It feels a little light.

[Host]

You know what? It's free. It was all free swag. You got it. Okay, I've got one more gift for you.

[Daniel Tosh]

All right, let's see. Let's see it.

[Host]

The one that I think is the most important.

[Daniel Tosh]

Look at that chode.

[Host]

It is a stuffed penis.

[Daniel Tosh]

It's a tiny little chode.

[Host]

It is tiny. He's adorable.

[Daniel Tosh]

He's so wide.

[Host]

He's so wide. He's girthy.

[Daniel Tosh]

Is that your fantasy?

[Host]

I think this. No, definitely not.

[Daniel Tosh]

Jeez. Lord. By. By the way, in your books, are you going always circumcised?

[Host]

Oh, I don't actually. Well, again, I. Yeah, you need to get in that.

[Daniel Tosh]

Because I guarant right now in. In our country we're almost 50. 50, 50 on new kids. So as these kids age in to.

[Host]

Your genre, we want to make feel everyone feel welcome.

[Daniel Tosh]

That's what I'm saying. So throw in a few, if you know what I'm talking about.

[Host]

Yeah. So that is the most interesting thing that I've ever signed. So. I love stuffed animals.

[Daniel Tosh]

Wait, you signed this?

[Host]

Well, I haven't signed yours, but do that. But at book signings, would you buy these? No, the readers buy them and they bring them.

[Daniel Tosh]

Some gross fan gave this deal.

[Host]

Brand new one. It's a brand new one. I bought it just for you.

[Daniel Tosh]

Oh, man. All right. Anyway, maybe.

[Host]

Maybe Carl can play with it. Point is that those are some of the things that I get at book signings to sign.

[Daniel Tosh]

Anybody ever ask you to sign their actual hog?

[Host]

No, there's not a lot of men at these signings.

[Daniel Tosh]

These are women are walking around dicks.

[Host]

Oh, God. Or like dick pick and asking you to sign the dick pics. Asking you to draw them.

[Daniel Tosh]

Asking. Are you allowed to just show somebody else a photo of a penis? It feels like that's a form of assault on some level.

[Host]

Sometimes it feels like that. Sometimes it feels like that. Fans are fun.

[Daniel Tosh]

Thanks for my stuffed penis. You know who's gonna get this? My new pig.

[Host]

Oh, that's perfect.

[Daniel Tosh]

You ever seen a pig's penis?

[Host]

No.

[Daniel Tosh]

Oh, man. I gotta tell you something.

[Host]

Is it something to write about?

[Daniel Tosh]

Oh, it's so disturbing. All right, so I got a tiny seven pound pig right now.

[Host]

You already got the pig.

[Daniel Tosh]

Yeah, I've had it.

[Host]

Okay, okay.

[Daniel Tosh]

But when their penis comes out, it's long, thin, and it has a drill bit at the end of it.

[Host]

Like a pencil?

[Daniel Tosh]

Yes. To like go into the earth.

[Host]

Okay, okay, stop.

[Daniel Tosh]

Look at the penis.

[Host]

That doesn't even look real.

[Daniel Tosh]

I know. It's so disgusting.

[Host]

Oh, no, I know.

[Daniel Tosh]

I didn't know this. And you guys, you ready for this? This is right up your alley. Female pigs orgasm for 30 minutes.

[Host]

Shut up.

[Daniel Tosh]

Well, you would too if this corkscrew was going in. You look at the tip of it.

[Host]

Stop it. Why does it do that?

[Daniel Tosh]

I don't know.

[Host]

It went from straight to that.

[Daniel Tosh]

No, no, that's the end of it. The end is always shaped like that.

[Host]

Oh, my God.

[Daniel Tosh]

No, you can see the coils into the soil down there.

[Host]

Oh, my God.

[Daniel Tosh]

Yeah, it's disgusting. Oh, I know. I'll be honest with you. I don't know if I would. I might have Taken him back. Had I known that that was what the piece was.

[Host]

Why didn't you get a female pig?

[Daniel Tosh]

Great question. We wanted to.

[Host]

Oh. And there just wasn't any to buy.

[Daniel Tosh]

This one was the one that we needed to take.

[Host]

I'm sorry.

[Daniel Tosh]

My wife just brought it home.

[Host]

Did she know about that, though?

[Daniel Tosh]

Nope.

[Host]

What happened when she found out?

[Daniel Tosh]

She's repulsed.

[Host]

Repulsed?

[Daniel Tosh]

And it sprays its man semen all over you. And it stinks to high heaven constantly whenever you pick it up and startle it. Yeah.

[Host]

When it frightens, it gets hard.

[Daniel Tosh]

No, it doesn't get hard. It just sprays. It's something that pigs do. It's just a spray. And it stinks. It's rancid. But you have to get them neutered at, like, 10 weeks because they reach full sexual maturity between six and 10.

[Host]

Weeks and you got yours. Too late.

[Daniel Tosh]

Yeah, it's already been 11 weeks. He's 12 weeks old now or so, but we're getting him neutered next week.

[Host]

Can you still do that?

[Daniel Tosh]

Yeah, I know. Yeah. And they'll take out a smell gland or something that's in there, I'm told. I'm worried sick about this.

[Host]

I am, too. Has your child seen it?

[Daniel Tosh]

Yeah, my kids play with it constantly. Not the penis, the pig. Oh, my God.

[Host]

Okay, good. I was like. I don't know what to say.

[Daniel Tosh]

What's your favorite holiday?

[Host]

Christmas. Yes. I love Christmas.

[Daniel Tosh]

Do you ever have Christmas as a backdrop to one of your novels?

[Host]

No.

[Daniel Tosh]

What about a seasonal young? A young adult?

[Host]

I could, but they're not in school during that time, so it would be more of an outside school. Most of my stuff is around the school year. But I will tell you this. I have a house in Florida, and the house in Florida is Christmas 12 months a year.

[Daniel Tosh]

Ugh.

[Host]

What?

[Daniel Tosh]

What? Tacky neighbor.

[Host]

No, like, not on the outside. On the inside.

[Daniel Tosh]

Oh. Even weirder. That's terrifying.

[Host]

Are you kidding? What's your favorite holiday?

[Daniel Tosh]

Christmas by a mile.

[Host]

Okay, then how come you don't love my house in Florida?

[Daniel Tosh]

Because I have real rules about Christmas.

[Host]

Tell me your rules.

[Daniel Tosh]

Okay, my rules are we don't start celebrating. We don't play Christmas music until the day after Halloween.

[Host]

Okay, what about Thanksgiving?

[Daniel Tosh]

Fuck Thanksgiving. Okay, we did those indigenous people dirty.

[Host]

We did.

[Daniel Tosh]

Now we prep for Christmas. All the way till Christmas. We're very excited about. We play tons of Christmas music. That's all we play, basically, after the 31st of October. But yeah. And then once Christmas is done, it's done.

[Host]

Wait, so, like, when do you take down your tree?

[Daniel Tosh]

Well, okay, this is. I'm gonna sound like the elitist, but we go to Tahoe and that's where we decorate.

[Host]

Okay, I don't think that's right.

[Daniel Tosh]

So whenever I leave, whether it's January 1st or January 10th, that's when everything goes down.

[Host]

Let me ask you this. Do you take it down or do you have somebody take it down?

[Daniel Tosh]

I take it down.

[Host]

That's impressive.

[Daniel Tosh]

Yeah, but the tree, I fight my wife on.

[Host]

Why?

[Daniel Tosh]

Well, Cause I only get a six foot tree.

[Host]

Oh, are you kidding? Do you have cathedral ceilings?

[Daniel Tosh]

Yeah, there's the high ceilings.

[Host]

Then you should be having like a nine footer.

[Daniel Tosh]

Well, here's what. Ready for this?

[Host]

All right, tell me.

[Daniel Tosh]

If you tell me, I'm with your wife. I feel like I'm a genius on this one.

[Host]

I'll be the judge.

[Daniel Tosh]

Okay. I have this large coffee table that we use that we put the tree on that gives the tree two and a half feet. Now, hold on. It makes it so much easier to display gifts all around it because you don't have this clearance. Now you have this clearance. So there's just presents. And you can layer the presents on the coffee table and the floor.

[Host]

Isn't that dangerous? Like, is it gonna wobble off the cotton?

[Daniel Tosh]

No, no, no. It's not gonna wobble at all. No, no. Totally secure. Heavy. Big base for the tree. Real tree, you know, Douglas fir.

[Host]

So now it's eight feet.

[Daniel Tosh]

Right. And it's. You got the big star on top of it. We don't go angel.

[Host]

It's her gripe.

[Daniel Tosh]

She wants a bigger tree. But then it's like, now it's in a hallway at the top of a staircase with big ceilings. It's hard to walk by it. If you go bigger, I get the height, but then I don't have to have the width and I still have all the room for presence.

[Host]

But the width is also nice. If you have the height without the width, doesn't it kind of look awkward?

[Daniel Tosh]

Oh, fucking Dana.

[Host]

Yeah, I'm just saying she might have a point.

[Daniel Tosh]

No, I mean, she has a point, but it's just. I just don't think you're giving me enough credit for the coffee table thing because it really does change the game. Even if you were to do an eight foot tree, I would recommend putting it on a table for the layering of presents. It just looks nice.

[Host]

The layering of the presents I actually kind of like.

[Daniel Tosh]

And the depth from the bottom branch, you're getting this much clearance on most trees.

[Host]

No watering it.

[Daniel Tosh]

You reach in, you can put a picture in there to get to the water.

[Host]

I'd have to see it. I don't know. I'm not convinced based on this.

[Guest]

We'll get her a flight.

[Host]

We'll get her a flight.

[Daniel Tosh]

You're coming to Tahoe. Dana, thank you for being on the show.

[Host]

You're very welcome. Thanks for having me.

[Daniel Tosh]

My pleasure. So hot in here now.

[Host]

Hot and bothered from all the throbbing.

[Daniel Tosh]

So much throbbing.

[Del Taco Voice]

The flavor, the tradition and the spirit of Carne Asada lives on at Del Taco. Join the Asada today with Del Taco's new limited time half pound Chipotle Carne Asada Steak Burrito. Packed with sweet, spicy and smoky flavor, wrapped up and grilled to perfection, the whole Carne Asada steak menu delivers the bold flavors you crave with epic burritos, loaded fries and street taco starting at just 2.99. Only at Del Taco.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Hey, it's Ryan Seacrest for Albertsons and Safeway this holiday season. Unwrapped sweet savings on all your favorite holiday Candy now through December 31st. Shop in store and online and save on holiday candy like Ferrero Rocher, Russell Stover Gift Box Bra, Soft Jellies, Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, Hershey Candy Cane kisses, M&MS. And Hershey Milk Chocolate Kisses. Get these holiday favorites before they're gone. Offer ends December 31st. Restrictions apply. Promotions may vary. Visit albertsons or safeway.com for more details.

[Commercial Voice]

Can Botox Onobotulinum toxin a help if I have chronic migraine 15 or more headache days a month, each lasting 4 hours or more?

[Host]

Botox prevents headaches in adults with chronic migraine. Botox is not approved for adults with migraine who have 14 or fewer headache days a month. It's the number one prescribed brand branded chronic migraine treatment.

[Commercial Voice]

Botox is a prescription medicine injected by your doctor. Effects of Botox may spread hours to weeks after injection, causing serious symptoms. Alert your doctor right away as difficulty swallowing, speaking, breathing, eye problems or muscle weakness can be signs of a life threatening condition. Patients with these conditions before injection are at highest risk. Side effects may include allergic reactions, neck and injection site pain, fatigue and headache. Allergic reactions can include rash, welts, asthma symptoms and dizziness. Don't receive Botox if there's a skin infection. Tell your doctor your medical history, muscle or nerve conditions including als, Lou Gehrig's disease, Myasthenia gravis or Lambert Eaton syndrome, and medications including botulinum toxins as these may increase the risk of serious side effects. Talk to your doctor and visit botoxchronicmigraine.com or call 1-844botox to learn more.

[Daniel Tosh]

Paw Show. I want to thank Dana for being on the show. I can't wait to rip into one of her books tonight. The ripping in the tearing. The ripping in the tearing. Now, is the election over? Are the results in?

[Guest]

Not yet, no.

[Commercial Voice]

No.

[Daniel Tosh]

You telling me with 1% in, it's too early to call? Well, listen, it's not too late for me to publicly endorse one of the candidates for President of the United States. Now, I'm going to be honest with you. I'm still on the fence. Now, I've already voted. I voted for Kamala Harris. But who am I going to endorse that's different than who I voted for? You understand the difference?

[Guest]

Well, explain it to me.

[Daniel Tosh]

Well, see, there's going to be a civil war. Oh, yeah. And I gotta do what's right for my family. So I haven't picked a side who we're gonna align with. And we're not gonna fight in either scenario. But depending on who's marching down our streets and with what type of artillery, that's what I'll need to hoist a certain flag.

[Guest]

Those will be your people.

[Daniel Tosh]

Yeah. I'm not afraid to be like, oh, yeah, go, Trump. Whatever. If that keeps my family from being slaughtered in a civil war, I'll say.

[Guest]

It sounds like you're a good father.

[Daniel Tosh]

I don't have. I don't have so much pride that I'm like, I can't say it. Carl, who'd you vote for? A lot of people don't know this, Carl. Big Maga. Big Maga, dog. And look at us, sitting across from each other on election day, respecting each other's differences. Sure. He won't look me in the eye. He says, carl, look at me. Hey, Carl, who'd you vote for? You don't want to talk. You want to talk politics, that's all right. But I still love you. I still love you, even though I don't agree with you. Even though I think fundamentally we couldn't be different. We still love each other. Yeah, we love each other. You want some water? Have some water. There you go. Drink up, big guy. You know, you look like kind of to me right now, you look like that one wise orangutan in the Planet of the Apes movie.

[Guest]

Yep.

[Daniel Tosh]

But you're a dog that loves Trump. Let's do our plugs. Carl, you want to do our plugs boyswearpink.com get yourself something cute and adorable for your child now that the economy is going to come roaring back under the new leadership of. You want to head on over to toss show store.com? get yourself some fly merch so all the kids at school will know that you're down with opp. Check out Eddie Gosling's tour dates. Check out my tour dates. I need people to come see me next week in New Orleans. Man, am I looking forward to that. The Big Easy. We gotta do the free plug hit. The free plug Music. Beautiful. All right, what do we got this week? The Redondo Union High School wrestling team has kicked off their holiday tree sale. All proceeds from sales will go toward helping the team with transportation and new singlets. But mostly fighting ringworm. Get yourself a seven foot Douglas Fir for 80 bucks. Same size, Noble Fur. Run you about 105. Maybe you're not a tree person or you get yourself a wreath. Those for like 45 bucks. Or maybe you're Jewish. Okay. Or you just don't want to buy a tree or a wreath. You can donate a tree to the troops. What do the troops want trees for?

[Guest]

Put up in their tent.

[Daniel Tosh]

In their tent?

[Guest]

Yeah.

[Daniel Tosh]

All right. Well, you can donate a tree to the troops for 75 bucks. I bet you they don't pick out nice trees for the troops. I bet you they give them the leftovers.

[Guest]

Yeah. Picked over.

[Daniel Tosh]

All right, you go to. What is this? R U h s wrestling.org fundraising/holiday tree-sale. That is nonsense. All right, be sure to, you know, select wrestling from the student organization. Drop down, and you just type in what wrestler you're supporting. I. I always type in Macho Man, Randy Savage. Oh, yeah. The online sale ends November 11th and tree pickup is on the 7th. Well, if it ends on the 11th and you pick it up on the 7th.

[Guest]

December 7th.

[Daniel Tosh]

Oh, December 7th. Oh, you don't have. Okay. Eddie's really making sure I get this free plug, right? Really. Really Sucking the comedy out of it by taking it seriously. Jesus. If you live out of town, there's a $20 delivery option, but I'm sure if you're outside of LA. I don't know. I don't. I can't imagine that they're going to deliver outside of la. You gotta try one of our. You ought to try to order one of these for delivery and see if it'll go across the coast. Give them a call, see what they can do. That's the Redondo Union High School wrestling team. We'll see you next week.

[Del Taco Voice]

The flavor, the tradition and the spirit of Carne Asada lives on at Del Taco. Join the Asada today with Del Taco's new limited time half pound Chipotle Carne Asada Steak Burrito. Packed with sweet, spicy and smoky flavor. Wrapped up and grilled to perfection, the whole Carne Asada steak menu delivers the bold flavors you crave with epic burritos, loaded fries and street taco. Starting at just 2.99 only at Del Taco.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Hey, it's Ryan Seacrest for Albertsons and Safeway this holiday season. Unwrapped sweet savings on all your favorite holiday Candy. Now through December 31st. Shop in store and online and save on holiday candy like Ferrero Rocher, Russell Stover Gift Box Bra, Soft Jellies, Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, Hershey Candy Cane kisses, M&MS, and Hershey Milk Chocolate Kisses. Get these holiday favorites before they're gone. Offer ends December 31st. Restrictions apply. Promotions may vary. Visit albertsons or safeway.com for more details.

[DSW Voice]

This holiday season, surprise everyone on your list with the best gifts tickets to see their favorite artists live. Choose from thousands of concerts and comedy shows, including Mariah Carey, Mary J. Blige, Matt Matthews, Metallica, Thomas Rhett, Trans Siberian Orchestra, Sarah Silverman and so many more. Share a memory together or give a gift they'll never forget. Find the most exciting gift fore every [e-mail] gifts. That's livenation.com Gifts.