Tosh Show – Episode Summary

Episode: "My Football Season Kickoff"

Host: Daniel Tosh
Date: September 2, 2025
Guest(s): Eddie Gosling (+ Unidentified Guest, Daniel’s father-in-law on call)

Main Theme

Daniel Tosh kicks off the football season with a comedic deep dive into both college and pro football. The episode mixes sharp sports takes, offbeat personal stories, and roast-like sports commentary, all delivered in Tosh's irreverent style. With college football week one approaching, Tosh riffs with his longtime friend Eddie Gosling about tennis, tailgating, pointless preseason predictions, and why he’ll never actually attend a live game. Alongside the banter, Tosh detours into family life, food woes, and matching football absurdity with his trademark sarcasm.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Sports Overlap: Tennis vs. Football

• Tosh opens by lamenting the US Open’s overlap with football season, indicating his priorities as a fan:

  "I don't care about the US Open as much... because the U.S. Open has played during week one of football. That's just bad timing. They should move it." (02:00)

• Describes Medvedev’s on-court meltdown and Alcaraz’s new haircut, segueing into comedic body commentary:

  “Alcaraz had two physical flaws... But his real problem physically was his hair. He had, like, a helmet head.” (03:47)

• Touches on why men are fair game for his jokes about appearance, quipping about equal-offense comedy:

  “I always think, this is good when I do this toward men because if I did this toward women, people would be like, oh, my goodness. You can't just cut them up. Physically. I'm like, no, I do it to men, too.” (03:28)

2. Bats, Pizza, and Family Quirks

• Shares a harrowing/funny story about finding bats in his home and the ensuing chaos to get them outside:

  “I came home... and guess what I found in my house? A bat. Then I found another bat. Uh oh, and then a third bat... they show their teeth and hiss at you... I'm trying to, like, move him, and I'm terrified.” (05:00-06:15)

• Family tag-teams the bat removal, with Tosh's son eager but "useless," and Tosh eventually "heroic":

  “Finally I have to do it. I have to go in there. I have to be heroic, you know, the man of the house, whatever that's supposed to mean.” (06:45)

• Dinner turns into a culinary fail when his wife leaves reheated kids’ pizza in a hot oven:

  “What are you, two, three minutes, whatever. Well, she puts it in there for two or three minutes, and then she turns the oven off... but that's been like 12 minutes... The driest piece of just wood, like, jerky pizza. Oh, so gross.” (08:20-08:57)

3. Why Tosh Will Never Attend a Game

• Affirms he’ll watch every football game but draws a hard line against attending live:

  “I will not be going to any college football or NFL games this year, or any year, for that matter. You can't care about sports and then pay to go to something where the outcome is depressing.” (09:16)

• Loves being able to walk away or fast-forward heartbreak at home; lampoons the "Cunnilingus Classic" in Dublin (actually Aer Lingus):

  “The week Zero game in Dublin, Ireland, they had the Cunnilingus Classic, I believe...” (10:16)
  (Eddie corrects: “I think it's called the Aer Lingus. Aer Lingus is the airline that sponsored the game.” 10:30)

4. College Football Roasts & Predictions

• Jokes about his similarity to Lane Kiffin (“been 15 years... now, come on, I'm aging like fine wine”) (10:49)
• On Nick Saban rumors:

  “If Nick Saban comes back... unretire Dante Culpepper and use Dante for at least three years.” (11:31)

• Predicts a “perfect season” for the Dolphins, sarcastically wagering on Vegas odds (11:57)
• Riffs on the spectacle and flaws of College GameDay, and why he’s never appeared:

  “I never like to do things and travel and ruin my life for like, oh, it’s good publicity.” (12:46)

• Lee Corso’s retirement lampooned:

  “That should have happened four seasons ago. I mean, every time they put a mascot head on, I'm like, oh no, what's going on in there? ... Lee Corso started before the forward pass was invented.” (13:01)

• Critiques current rankings and playoff futility:

  “Half the teams are in the SEC or Big Ten. The others... will either not make it... or get embarrassed... You think SMU is going to win a national championship? I bet my children's lives they won't.” (13:58)

• Picks and lightning round predictions for marquee matchups.
  • Highlights: UCF’s legitimacy, Jim Harbaugh’s cheating/punishment, Texas v. Ohio State, etc.

5. Jim Harbaugh, Tattoos, and NCAA Drama

• Exaggerates on Harbaugh’s future ban:

  “Oh, they banned Harbaugh from coaching college football for 10 years... That can’t start until he finishes what’s his... four year ban for recruiting violations.” (17:06)

• Mocks Harbaugh's tattoo celebrating a championship:

  “Imagine getting a tattoo because a bunch of 19 year olds won a game. You’re 61, you're like, yeah, let's all get tattoos together. That's just creepy behavior. That's not Sandusky level of creepy, but it's creepy nonetheless.” (17:53)

6. College Towns & Geography Pop Quiz

• Entertains with a quiz on college locations, feigns ignorance for comedic effect:

  “I rarely know where colleges are. SMU. You guys know where SMU is?... James Madison. Do you know where James Madison is?... Army. Where’s Army located?... Howard?... Jackson State?... Morgan State?” (23:54-25:01)

7. NFL Hot Takes

• Mocks Dak Prescott, Jerry Jones, and other NFL teams:

  “Dak Prescott predicted that the Cowboys would meet the Rams... My prediction is Dak's CTE is presenting.” (25:07) "The Cowboys toughest opponent in the NFC East is that old hunk of driftwood, Jerry Jones. Huh? ... has never been more on brand for America's team." (25:36)

• Scorches Buffalo:

  "Even Hard Knocks couldn't pull it off, making Buffalo look like somewhere you want to live. If I played for Buffalo, I'd self-deport." (25:58)

• On Aaron Rodgers and Steelers:

  “Oh, the Jets. First team that they play is the Steelers. How did that work out? I mean it's just ridiculous. But I'm going to watch.” (27:12)
  "I wish Aaron Rodgers well, I don't but I hope on the first snap of the game he gets Covid." (27:19)

8. Seasonal Predictions

• Ultimate picks (facetious):

  “Well, you heard it here. The UCF Knights and the Miami Dolphins.” (28:30)

• On rooting for the same teams as his "owner" (his dog), then self-consciously hedges on the term "owner":

  “Isn't it weird that I got uncomfortable with calling myself his owner?” (28:42)

9. Family Oddities & Final Bits

• Shares two jaw-dropping facts about his father-in-law during a “True or False” game:

  “Constantly sleeps with all his clothes on, pants, socks, button up, belt, etc... uses his hand to wipe up all the crumbs on the dining room table. Like to get them off and then eats them... time's up. Neither one of them [is false]. Wow.” (29:35-29:45)

• Pitches show and tour dates; shifts to matchmaking segment for his wife’s cousin Amanda:

  "We're looking for her to find a husband and a father to her children, which she does not have yet, but let's go. Tick, tick, fellas." (30:41)

  • First caller Chris from Philadelphia asks about Tua instead (“Tua is going to take us to the promised land.” 31:36)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

On football fandom:

• “You can't care about sports and then pay to go to something where the outcome is depressing.” (09:16)

Describing Lane Kiffin’s aging:

• “I’m aging like fine wine. Meanwhile, this guy’s been aging like a president every four years.” (10:54)

College football playoff system:

• “The college football system lost all its legitimacy when they didn't crown the 2017 UCF Knights national champions. Period. End of discussion.” (16:08)

On live betting:

• “South Florida for the win. Take the money line. That's a good, that's a good bet, guys.” (20:24)

On Hard Knocks & Buffalo:

• “Even Hard Knocks couldn't pull it off, making Buffalo look like somewhere you want to live. If I played for Buffalo, I'd self deport...” (25:58)

On picking family teams:

• “You end up looking like your dog and you end up, you know, rooting for your owners.” (28:34)

Timestamps for Key Segments

| Timestamp | Topic / Quote | |------------|-------------------------------------------------------------------------| | 02:00 | Tennis vs Football: “Bad timing... U.S. Open... during week one... ” | | 05:00 | Bat story: “I came home... guess what I found in my house? A bat.” | | 08:20-08:57| Pizza Fail: “Does she understand that a pizza stone holds heat?...” | | 09:16 | Why he won't attend games: “You can't care about sports and then pay...”| | 10:16 | Dublin Cunnilingus Classic roast | | 13:01 | Lee Corso roast and retirement sign | | 16:08 | College football system legitimacy | | 17:53 | Harbaugh tattoo tangent: “That's just creepy behavior...” | | 23:54-25:01| College location pop quiz | | 25:07 | Dak Prescott, Cowboys, NFL roasts | | 28:30 | Who wins it all: “The UCF Knights and the Miami Dolphins.” | | 29:35-29:45| Father-in-law weird facts: “Neither one of them [is false]...” | | 31:36 | Tua for Amanda’s cousin matchmaking segment |

Summary

"My Football Season Kickoff" is pure Daniel Tosh: sports fan, misanthrope, and master roaster. From heckling tennis haircuts to throwing darts at college football's power structure and NFL absurdities, Tosh delivers lightning-quick takes fueled by irreverence and nerdy sports passion. Domestic misadventures (bats and burnt pizza) ground the episode, while Tosh holds court over annual favorites (Texas, UCF) and targets for ridicule (Harbaugh, Dallas, Buffalo). Eddie Gosling’s friendly sidekick energy sets up classic banter and playful contrarianism, especially on college football's most hyped players and teams. Tosh wraps things up with family quirks, existential jokes about dog ownership, a matchmaking service for Amanda, and a call-in about Tua—leaving listeners entertained, if not better equipped at sports betting.

If you’re a sports fan who likes your commentary savage and your analysis riddled with sarcasm, this is a must-listen.