My Football Season Kickoff

Summary

Tosh Show – Episode Summary

Episode: "My Football Season Kickoff"

Host: Daniel Tosh
Date: September 2, 2025
Guest(s): Eddie Gosling (+ Unidentified Guest, Daniel’s father-in-law on call)

---

Main Theme

Daniel Tosh kicks off the football season with a comedic deep dive into both college and pro football. The episode mixes sharp sports takes, offbeat personal stories, and roast-like sports commentary, all delivered in Tosh's irreverent style. With college football week one approaching, Tosh riffs with his longtime friend Eddie Gosling about tennis, tailgating, pointless preseason predictions, and why he’ll never actually attend a live game. Alongside the banter, Tosh detours into family life, food woes, and matching football absurdity with his trademark sarcasm.

---

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Sports Overlap: Tennis vs. Football

• Tosh opens by lamenting the US Open’s overlap with football season, indicating his priorities as a fan:

  "I don't care about the US Open as much... because the U.S. Open has played during week one of football. That's just bad timing. They should move it." (02:00)

• Describes Medvedev’s on-court meltdown and Alcaraz’s new haircut, segueing into comedic body commentary:

  “Alcaraz had two physical flaws... But his real problem physically was his hair. He had, like, a helmet head.” (03:47)

• Touches on why men are fair game for his jokes about appearance, quipping about equal-offense comedy:

  “I always think, this is good when I do this toward men because if I did this toward women, people would be like, oh, my goodness. You can't just cut them up. Physically. I'm like, no, I do it to men, too.” (03:28)

2. Bats, Pizza, and Family Quirks

• Shares a harrowing/funny story about finding bats in his home and the ensuing chaos to get them outside:

  “I came home... and guess what I found in my house? A bat. Then I found another bat. Uh oh, and then a third bat... they show their teeth and hiss at you... I'm trying to, like, move him, and I'm terrified.” (05:00-06:15)

• Family tag-teams the bat removal, with Tosh's son eager but "useless," and Tosh eventually "heroic":

  “Finally I have to do it. I have to go in there. I have to be heroic, you know, the man of the house, whatever that's supposed to mean.” (06:45)

• Dinner turns into a culinary fail when his wife leaves reheated kids’ pizza in a hot oven:

  “What are you, two, three minutes, whatever. Well, she puts it in there for two or three minutes, and then she turns the oven off... but that's been like 12 minutes... The driest piece of just wood, like, jerky pizza. Oh, so gross.” (08:20-08:57)

3. Why Tosh Will Never Attend a Game

• Affirms he’ll watch every football game but draws a hard line against attending live:

  “I will not be going to any college football or NFL games this year, or any year, for that matter. You can't care about sports and then pay to go to something where the outcome is depressing.” (09:16)

• Loves being able to walk away or fast-forward heartbreak at home; lampoons the "Cunnilingus Classic" in Dublin (actually Aer Lingus):

  “The week Zero game in Dublin, Ireland, they had the Cunnilingus Classic, I believe...” (10:16)
  (Eddie corrects: “I think it's called the Aer Lingus. Aer Lingus is the airline that sponsored the game.” 10:30)

4. College Football Roasts & Predictions

• Jokes about his similarity to Lane Kiffin (“been 15 years... now, come on, I'm aging like fine wine”) (10:49)
• On Nick Saban rumors:

  “If Nick Saban comes back... unretire Dante Culpepper and use Dante for at least three years.” (11:31)

• Predicts a “perfect season” for the Dolphins, sarcastically wagering on Vegas odds (11:57)
• Riffs on the spectacle and flaws of College GameDay, and why he’s never appeared:

  “I never like to do things and travel and ruin my life for like, oh, it’s good publicity.” (12:46)

• Lee Corso’s retirement lampooned:

  “That should have happened four seasons ago. I mean, every time they put a mascot head on, I'm like, oh no, what's going on in there? ... Lee Corso started before the forward pass was invented.” (13:01)

• Critiques current rankings and playoff futility:

  “Half the teams are in the SEC or Big Ten. The others... will either not make it... or get embarrassed... You think SMU is going to win a national championship? I bet my children's lives they won't.” (13:58)

• Picks and lightning round predictions for marquee matchups.
  • Highlights: UCF’s legitimacy, Jim Harbaugh’s cheating/punishment, Texas v. Ohio State, etc.

5. Jim Harbaugh, Tattoos, and NCAA Drama

• Exaggerates on Harbaugh’s future ban:

  “Oh, they banned Harbaugh from coaching college football for 10 years... That can’t start until he finishes what’s his... four year ban for recruiting violations.” (17:06)

• Mocks Harbaugh's tattoo celebrating a championship:

  “Imagine getting a tattoo because a bunch of 19 year olds won a game. You’re 61, you're like, yeah, let's all get tattoos together. That's just creepy behavior. That's not Sandusky level of creepy, but it's creepy nonetheless.” (17:53)

6. College Towns & Geography Pop Quiz

• Entertains with a quiz on college locations, feigns ignorance for comedic effect:

  “I rarely know where colleges are. SMU. You guys know where SMU is?... James Madison. Do you know where James Madison is?... Army. Where’s Army located?... Howard?... Jackson State?... Morgan State?” (23:54-25:01)

7. NFL Hot Takes

• Mocks Dak Prescott, Jerry Jones, and other NFL teams:

  “Dak Prescott predicted that the Cowboys would meet the Rams... My prediction is Dak's CTE is presenting.” (25:07) "The Cowboys toughest opponent in the NFC East is that old hunk of driftwood, Jerry Jones. Huh? ... has never been more on brand for America's team." (25:36)

• Scorches Buffalo:

  "Even Hard Knocks couldn't pull it off, making Buffalo look like somewhere you want to live. If I played for Buffalo, I'd self-deport." (25:58)

• On Aaron Rodgers and Steelers:

  “Oh, the Jets. First team that they play is the Steelers. How did that work out? I mean it's just ridiculous. But I'm going to watch.” (27:12)
  "I wish Aaron Rodgers well, I don't but I hope on the first snap of the game he gets Covid." (27:19)

8. Seasonal Predictions

• Ultimate picks (facetious):

  “Well, you heard it here. The UCF Knights and the Miami Dolphins.” (28:30)

• On rooting for the same teams as his "owner" (his dog), then self-consciously hedges on the term "owner":

  “Isn't it weird that I got uncomfortable with calling myself his owner?” (28:42)

9. Family Oddities & Final Bits

• Shares two jaw-dropping facts about his father-in-law during a “True or False” game:

  “Constantly sleeps with all his clothes on, pants, socks, button up, belt, etc... uses his hand to wipe up all the crumbs on the dining room table. Like to get them off and then eats them... time's up. Neither one of them [is false]. Wow.” (29:35-29:45)

• Pitches show and tour dates; shifts to matchmaking segment for his wife’s cousin Amanda:

  "We're looking for her to find a husband and a father to her children, which she does not have yet, but let's go. Tick, tick, fellas." (30:41)

  • First caller Chris from Philadelphia asks about Tua instead (“Tua is going to take us to the promised land.” 31:36)

---

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

On football fandom:

• “You can't care about sports and then pay to go to something where the outcome is depressing.” (09:16)

Describing Lane Kiffin’s aging:

• “I’m aging like fine wine. Meanwhile, this guy’s been aging like a president every four years.” (10:54)

College football playoff system:

• “The college football system lost all its legitimacy when they didn't crown the 2017 UCF Knights national champions. Period. End of discussion.” (16:08)

On live betting:

• “South Florida for the win. Take the money line. That's a good, that's a good bet, guys.” (20:24)

On Hard Knocks & Buffalo:

• “Even Hard Knocks couldn't pull it off, making Buffalo look like somewhere you want to live. If I played for Buffalo, I'd self deport...” (25:58)

On picking family teams:

• “You end up looking like your dog and you end up, you know, rooting for your owners.” (28:34)

---

Timestamps for Key Segments

| Timestamp | Topic / Quote | |------------|-------------------------------------------------------------------------| | 02:00 | Tennis vs Football: “Bad timing... U.S. Open... during week one... ” | | 05:00 | Bat story: “I came home... guess what I found in my house? A bat.” | | 08:20-08:57| Pizza Fail: “Does she understand that a pizza stone holds heat?...” | | 09:16 | Why he won't attend games: “You can't care about sports and then pay...”| | 10:16 | Dublin Cunnilingus Classic roast | | 13:01 | Lee Corso roast and retirement sign | | 16:08 | College football system legitimacy | | 17:53 | Harbaugh tattoo tangent: “That's just creepy behavior...” | | 23:54-25:01| College location pop quiz | | 25:07 | Dak Prescott, Cowboys, NFL roasts | | 28:30 | Who wins it all: “The UCF Knights and the Miami Dolphins.” | | 29:35-29:45| Father-in-law weird facts: “Neither one of them [is false]...” | | 31:36 | Tua for Amanda’s cousin matchmaking segment |

---

Summary

"My Football Season Kickoff" is pure Daniel Tosh: sports fan, misanthrope, and master roaster. From heckling tennis haircuts to throwing darts at college football's power structure and NFL absurdities, Tosh delivers lightning-quick takes fueled by irreverence and nerdy sports passion. Domestic misadventures (bats and burnt pizza) ground the episode, while Tosh holds court over annual favorites (Texas, UCF) and targets for ridicule (Harbaugh, Dallas, Buffalo). Eddie Gosling’s friendly sidekick energy sets up classic banter and playful contrarianism, especially on college football's most hyped players and teams. Tosh wraps things up with family quirks, existential jokes about dog ownership, a matchmaking service for Amanda, and a call-in about Tua—leaving listeners entertained, if not better equipped at sports betting.

If you’re a sports fan who likes your commentary savage and your analysis riddled with sarcasm, this is a must-listen.

Transcript

[Daniel Tosh]

This episode of Tosh show is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Do you ever think about switching insurance companies to see if you could save some cash? Progressive makes it easy to see if you could save when you bundle your home and auto policies. Try [e-mail] Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates. Potential savings will vary. Not available in all states.

[Commercial Announcer]

Back to school is better. With family freedom from T Mobile, we'll pay off four phones up to $3200 and give you four free phones, all on America's largest 5G network. Visit your local T Mobile location or learn more@t mobile.com familyfreedom. Up to $800 per line via virtual prepaid card typically takes 15 days. Free phones via 24 monthly bill credits with finance agreement eg Apple iPhone 16128 gigabyte 8 2,999 eligible trade in eg iPhone 11 Pro for well qualified credits end and balance due if you pay off earlier. Cancel contact T Mobile.

[Daniel Tosh]

Hey guys, it's me, Daniel. Do me a solid. I don't ask for a lot, but like and subscribe to this podcast also. You could rate it highly. I would appreciate, maybe even write a review. Maybe we become best friends. Okay, here we go, guys. This is our big football episode. We're talking all things football. Posh show, Posh show. Tosh show from show. Hello and welcome to another episode of Tosh Show. I am your host, Daniel Tosh. Eddie Gosling is here.

[Eddie Gosling]

What's up, Daniel?

[Daniel Tosh]

Getting ready. Getting ready for sports? Oh, yeah, sports are back.

[Eddie Gosling]

Yes, they are.

[Daniel Tosh]

I talk on this podcast a lot about how much I love tennis. You know, the US Open just kicked off. And here's the thing. I don't care about the US Open as much as I do the other tournaments because the U.S. open has played during week one of football. That's just bad time. They shouldn't do it. This. They should move it. The US Open should be the beginning of October. It's just too much right now. You can't, you can't. You can't jump back and forth between a football game and a tennis match. Those, those things your brain doesn't allow you to do. Now we're recording this and we're, we're just in round one of the US Open. Med. Medvedev had a breakdown. You know, loses in the first round, doesn't leave the court during the other players interview, and is just in the corner sulking and smashing rackets. It was bizarre. But he's Russian. He's probably got a lot on his plate, Alcaraz got a haircut. That's the big news of the tournament. He shaved his head and. Good. Alcarazz has everything going for him. You know, 22, number two in the world should be number one. Sinner's a cheater. He should be suspended. But whatever. That's what's done is done. Alcaraz had two physical flaws. I always think, this is good when I do this toward men, because if I did this toward women, people would be like, oh, my goodness. You can't just cut them up. Physically. I'm like, no, I do it to men, too. Alcaraz is a beautiful person, a Spaniard. His thighs. I've talked about his thighs before. I can't stop looking at his thighs. He had some acne scarring. That's unfortunate. It was a lot worse in the beginning of his career, when he was a teenager, and now it's gotten better, but there's some scarring. But his real problem physically was his hair. He had, like, a helmet head. You know, Djokovic has that problem, too. Djokovic has always looked like if you took a Ken doll and squished the head in a little bit, and then you're like, oh, this is Djokovic. And then the way he, you know, would move all always kind of just his posture. This is Djokovic right here. I never liked. But anyway, Al's hair wasn't good. And I think. I think he knew it wasn't good, or I think he went online and saw people going like, hey, you know, if he didn't have that helmet head, he'd be a superstar. So anyway, he buzzed it down. Now, the problem with what he did is he buzzed it down right before the start of the tournament. And I'm seeing a lot of head, and it's pale. It's got to grow in a little bit. A little more growth and a little tan, and then it'll be beautiful. I think it was a good decision. A lot of people aren't happy about it anyway.

[Eddie Gosling]

This was.

[Daniel Tosh]

This was my. My weekend. It started with watching this, but the reality is I'm just gearing up for football. So a lot of the matches that I would watch, I'm going to miss. You're like, well, there's tennis all week long. There's football all week long. Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday. It's Labor Day weekend. By the way, my house. Eddie, you won't believe this. The other day, I come home constantly. Birds fly into my home. You know, a lot of indoor Outdoor living. So that's going to happen. But I came home, I was gone for a couple days, and guess what I found in my house? A bat. Then I found another bat. Uh oh, and then a third bat. Now, I don't know if you've ever tried to get bats out of your house, but it's fucking scary. First of all, they show their teeth and hiss at you when they're. When they're just perched or hanging. There's a. I'm taking a broom. I'm trying to, like, move him, and I'm terrified. So I back. I retreat. I'm like, I gotta figure this out. And when they fly, it's erratic. So you're like, at any moment, you feel like you're gonna get hit in the face. So I had Panda. I trapped him into the powder room and I go, panda, go in there and shoo him outdoors. I've got all the doors closed. We'll get him out this front door. Two of them just went right out. Third one, the mama bat, wasn't having it and just hissing at us. And, you know, I made Panda go in with a broom and try to shoo him out. And she couldn't do it. She was too scared. My son wasn't scared. He kept going in, but he's useless, and I'm worried that he's going to scratch up the walls with the broom. So finally I have to do it. I have to go in there. I have to be heroic, you know, the man of the house, whatever that's supposed to mean. And I go in there and I shoo the bat successfully out the front door. That's the story. Doesn't. It doesn't have. It's not a big story. It's just. There's fucking bats in my home. I didn't even know there was bats in my neighborhood.

[Unidentified Guest]

Regular Batman.

[Daniel Tosh]

You know what else? That same night, I'm putting my daughter down after the house has been eradicated of vampires. And it's taken a long time to get her down. And my wife texts me while I'm in the bedroom with her. The reason it's taking a long time is because we threw away all of her pacifiers. So anyway, whatever, we went cold turkey. It just takes a little longer now. She doesn't cry, but she just wants you in the room a little longer. Anyway, my wife, they had gone out and had some pizza and she brought some slices home, and it was kids pizza, so it's nothing that I really wanted. But anyway, she's like, I'm gonna. I'll heat it up for you, and it'll be ready for you when you come out of the room.

[Eddie Gosling]

Nice.

[Daniel Tosh]

And I got a stone that's in an oven permanently. You got two ovens? Don't judge me. I know you think I'm out of touch. I also have a pizza oven outside. Fuck off. Now, in one of the ovens, we keep a pizza stone. And that's just for reheating pizza. Yeah, we like to. I like to make pizza a lot. And that's a good place to reheat it without going outside. Anyway, she, you know, turns the oven on, eventually gets up to 400, and she throws a couple slices in there. What are you, two, three minutes, whatever. Well, she puts it in there for two or three minutes, and then she turns the oven off and she's like, well, I just. I left it in the oven for you so that it'd stay warmer, but that's been like 12 minutes. Does she understand that a pizza stone holds heat? Then she puts it on a plate and like, here's your dinner. I just want people to know that think I'm out of touch. Look what I ate for dinner. This was my dinner, and guess what? I ate it all.

[Unidentified Guest]

Yeah.

[Eddie Gosling]

Oh, yeah.

[Daniel Tosh]

The driest piece of just wood, like, jerky pizza. Oh, so gross. But listen, it's all preparing me. It's preparing my stomach for tailgating season. I can't wait.

[Eddie Gosling]

Is this the year you go to a game, Daniel?

[Daniel Tosh]

No. I will not be going to any college football or NFL games this year, or any year, for that matter. You can't care about sports and then pay to go to something where the outcome is depressing. That's just how I feel about it. At least at home, when I know what the inevitable is, I can just get up and walk away, or I can just fast forward, make it hurt less. I'm not going to games, but I will watch. I will watch every single football game this year. Enjoy. Paw show. Okay, here we go, guys. This is our big football episode. We're talking all things football, college football, Pro Football. Week 1 in college football starts Thursday. That's a day away. You watch that week Zero game. It's very complicated. In college football. The week Zero game in Dublin, Ireland, they had the Cunnilingus Classic, I believe is what it was called.

[Eddie Gosling]

I think it's called the Aer Lingus. Aer Lingus is the airline that sponsored the game.

[Daniel Tosh]

That makes more sense. Aer Lingus sponsored the Cunnilingus Bowl.

[Eddie Gosling]

Yep.

[Commercial Announcer]

Cunnilingus Bowl.

[Daniel Tosh]

Anyway, college football, my favorite time of year. When everybody says, oh my goodness, you look like Lane Kiffin. Can we. Do people still say that? I mean, it's been 15 years. I understood that 15 years ago we looked like each other, but now, come on, I'm aging like fine wine. Meanwhile, this guy's been aging like a president every four years. Guy's got some stress. Anyway, best of luck to him and Ole Miss. I'm sure they'll be knocked out of the top 25 by week. What do you say? Week three is my prediction. That's my first prediction of the year. You know who else I look forward to this year? Seeing old Nick Saban. Old Krampus on college game day. Oh, he is. He is just so fun. There's rumors that he might come back to coaching. I tell you what, if Nick Saban comes back to coaching, this is what needs to happen. He should be forced to fire whatever starting quarterback that team has and unretire Dante Culpepper and use Dante Culpepper for at least three years. Let me know how that works out for you.

[Eddie Gosling]

You got a prediction on the Dolphins?

[Daniel Tosh]

I do. The Dolphins this season will go undefeated again. That's right. You think the Dolphins are going defeated? What's that payout in Vegas? What's the over under on their wins this season? Because if it's. If it's seven and a half or eight, I'll take the over. College game day. Do you enjoy watching college game day?

[Eddie Gosling]

I do.

[Daniel Tosh]

I don't usually care. I like watching college game day when it's a west coast team because it's pitch black outside and. And these idiots have been standing on campus at 4 in the morning. College game day is sponsored by Home Depot. So get excited for some ice raids in the parking lot this year. Rounding up a bunch of folks just trying to provide for their family with funny signs. By the way, I was asked to do college game day once, maybe twice. I don't remember what my manager said to get me out of it. I'm sure she lied. I don't know why I didn't want to do it. I don't want. I don't want to show up. It was probably on. It was probably at ucf. But now maybe now I should do it now that Lee Corso's stepping down. If they would consider me a full time position, a paid position. That's my thing. I don't know. I never like to do things and travel and ruin my life for like, oh, it's good publicity. It's like, I don't care about publicity. I'd rather stay home and just watch the games. But Lee Corso. Yeah, he's retiring after week one, which is good because that should have happened four seasons ago. I mean, every time they put a, you know, mascot head on, I'm like, oh, no, what's going on in there? He's been doing it for so long. That's what my sign would say. My sign would say Lee Corso started before the forward pass was invented. I mean, I wonder if they'd let that sign fly. Why do we even bother with the top 25 anymore? Half the teams are in the SEC or the Big Ten. The others are from chop shop conferences that will either not make it to the playoffs or they'll just get embarrassed by one of the teams from the powerhouse conferences. You think SMU is going to win a national championship? I tell you what, I bet my children's lives they won't.

[Eddie Gosling]

The ranked 16th in the preseason.

[Daniel Tosh]

SMU is ranked 16th. All right then. Then I'll bet my wife's life. Throw in my in laws. Best game this weekend. Number one Texas versus number three, Ohio State. The loser will fall out of the top five for two or three weeks and then they'll be right back in. That's my prediction. You a fan of Arch man and Eddie?

[Eddie Gosling]

Not really.

[Daniel Tosh]

You're not?

[Eddie Gosling]

I don't like Texas, so I don't really like their players. And I don't really like. You know, it's too many Mannings.

[Daniel Tosh]

No. Yeah, I'm. You're. You're on the wrong side of this one.

[Eddie Gosling]

I know.

[Daniel Tosh]

I don't like Texas either. Think Arch Manning is fascinating. I think he's fun to watch. Didn't know he's such an athlete. Can't wrap my head around why he didn't start last year. I hope this is his plays this year in college football and then then makes himself eligible for the draft. Because I'm just looking forward to watching his family pick where he goes in the NFL draft. Ah, the NFL. So racist. Allowed the Mannings to decide where Eli played football. Oh, but Shedeur ruined his life because his dad is a little too much. How can Deion Sanders be too much? He doesn't even have feet anymore. Now those of you know know that I am a UCF football fan for life. Oh, I love. I love the Knights. Now they face. Who do they face? Jacksonville State. Don't sleep on the Gamecocks. That's not South Carolina either. By the way that's the Jacksonville Gamecocks and not Jacksonville Florida either. No, it's Jacksonville Alabama. This school gets more depressing the further you go down their Wikipedia page. There was a tornado that struck the campus in 2018, causing Minor to severe damage to every building. Well, that is devastating. Can't wait to watch the six part docu series on Netflix about this. What's the spread? 18 and a half. Oh, you know, UCF's going to cover. They got what's his name back. Scott Frost is back. He'll run the score up. Sure he will. The college football system lost all its legitimacy when they didn't crown the 2017 UCF Knights national champions. Period. End of discussion. Now we have playoffs. Enjoy it. And we shouldn't forget that Jim Harbaugh at Michigan openly cheated. We're not going to vacate their national championship. What's his punishment?

[Eddie Gosling]

10 years.

[Daniel Tosh]

They banned Michigan from playing football for 10 years.

[Eddie Gosling]

Harbaugh.

[Daniel Tosh]

Oh, they banned Harbaugh from coaching college football for 10 years. But that can't start. That 10 year ban can't start until he finishes up what's his. He's got a four year ban for. For recruiting violations. So the NFL coach of the San Diego Los Angeles Chargers won't be able to go back to College football until 2038. Can you imagine how thick his glasses will be then? He'll be able to see opponents game plans three weeks into the future. You know, he left Michigan in such a hurry that he didn't have a place to live in LA when he first got here. He lived in his rv. I think we should all donate to Planned Parenthood in his name.

[Eddie Gosling]

Like it?

[Daniel Tosh]

That'd be nice. Guy's such a fucking clown. Wait, he has a tattoo on him. On his 15. 0. Imagine getting a tattoo because a bunch of 19 year olds won a game. You're 61, you're like, yeah, let's all get tattoos together. That's just creepy behavior. That's not Sandusky level of creepy, but it's creepy nonetheless. You don't see Jim Trestle or Urban Meyer pulling that nonsense. I'm sure you're saying, well, they've got some skeletons in their closet. Sure, we all do. Yet ye who without sin cast the first stone.

[Eddie Gosling]

Jehovah.

[Daniel Tosh]

I'm just saying they're not Jehovah. I'm just pointing out that they're not getting tattoos with their kids. Speaking of monsters, Bill Belichick. Oh, man. Begins his first year at UNC. Have you guys seen him lately? Honestly, freshman 15. More like freshman 115. Good grief. Is he packing them on? I mean, I know we're not supposed to point that out, but come on, that doesn't look healthy. But as long as he keeps trash talking a New England. I hope him and his granddaughter. What's her name? Jordan Hudson. I hope they have a fun time. What about my Gators by marriage? My Florida Gators by marriage. Call my father in law, see what he thinks. I already have an idea. Oh, you already heard it. Well, he just can't stop talking about it because I keep telling him that the over under for the Gators this season is six and a half wins. Hey dad.

[Daniel Tosh's Father-in-Law]

Hey Daniel.

[Daniel Tosh]

What do you think of the over under on the Florida Gators? Six and a half wins?

[Daniel Tosh's Father-in-Law]

Yeah, that's way off. Nine and three. We will not make the SEC championship. But we might make the first nine and three team in the playoffs. Okay, I think We're a top 12 team. We're loaded, man.

[Daniel Tosh]

I mean there's homers and then there's whatever that is. Few years younger Lee Corso. Oh, now we're going to do a lightning round. Some of these games have already happened, so you'll get to find out if I'm right or wrong on the spot and then you can use that information for the picks that are coming up. Oh, all right, here we go.

[Eddie Gosling]

25, Boise State and South Florida. Boise by six and a half.

[Daniel Tosh]

South Florida for the win. Take the money line. That's a good, that's a good bet, guys. South Florida Moneyline, they're going to play this year. All right, what's the next one?

[Eddie Gosling]

Georgia Tech at Colorado. Georgia Tech by four.

[Daniel Tosh]

Colorado. Colorado and Moneyline. They're going to win.

[Eddie Gosling]

Number eight, Alabama at Florida State. Alabama by 13 and a half.

[Daniel Tosh]

Florida State with the points. What do you mean? Woo. Thirteen and a half. I know Florida State had a garbage last year, but you know, what's his name Left UCF Malzon. Helped the offense up at Florida State. I think, I think they'll play right. I think they've got. They got a stud at quarterback. Yeah, no, I got no issue. I think they can listen, I think they can keep it within two touchdowns of Alabama. Alabama's ranked eight. God damn it. That's such a joke. All right, got the battle of the.

[Eddie Gosling]

Tigers, number nine, LSU at number four, Clemson. Clemson was favored by four.

[Daniel Tosh]

Yeah, Clemson will cover. I think they'll cover. I hate lsu. Not the kids, not the college. I hate Baton Rouge. What a. Ugh. Yeah, that city Is depressing. It's. I mean, I'm telling you, might be one of the worst spots to perform. I did it. I did a. Last time I did a show there, my dogs got covered in sand spurs just trying to let them pee. It was like a nice downtown area. Grass, like, it looked like a park. And then there's like 400 sand spurs in my dogs. Just awful. I don't. I don't like the food. It's just because it's so close to New Orleans, you know? You think, how can this place be so many tiers below New Orleans? But it is.

[Eddie Gosling]

Good point.

[Daniel Tosh]

New Orleans is just wonderful. You go to Baton Rouge, you're like, what the fuck? How are these swamp people surviving?

[Eddie Gosling]

Here's the big game. Archmania. Number one, Texas at number three, Ohio State. OSU favored by a point and a half.

[Daniel Tosh]

Texas. Texas will win. Texas might blow them out. Wow.

[Eddie Gosling]

Okay. Virginia tech at number 13, South Carolina. South Carolina favored by 8.

[Daniel Tosh]

South Carolina or take South Carolina. Moneyline or Virginia to take the points.

[Eddie Gosling]

Number six, Notre Dame at number 10, Miami. Notre Dame favored by two and a half. Catholics versus the convicts.

[Daniel Tosh]

Yeah, the U. And they got George's quarterback, right?

[Eddie Gosling]

I think so.

[Daniel Tosh]

Yeah. The U is going to do good this year.

[Eddie Gosling]

TCU at University of North Carolina. Belichick's first game. TCU is favored by three.

[Daniel Tosh]

It'd be great if UNC just got blown out by, like 30 points. That would just be hysterical. But I think. I think UNC will do fine.

[Eddie Gosling]

Biggest spread of the week, BYU, 43 1/2 against Portland State.

[Daniel Tosh]

I say fucking tease that line to 90. Make some money. Didn't the Mormons have some problem last year or something happened? They had a Jewish quarterback. That was interesting. Something happened, though, with their quarterback. I don't remember what it was. It was pretty interesting. Let me do a quiz. Because I watch college sports, I've performed at hundreds of colleges, yet I rarely know where colleges are. Smu. You guys know where SMU is?

[Eddie Gosling]

Texas.

[Daniel Tosh]

Yeah, Baylor. Where's Baylor? Baylor's in Texas, too, right?

[Eddie Gosling]

Waco, I think.

[Daniel Tosh]

Yeah. These are easy. James Madison. Do you know where James Madison is?

[Eddie Gosling]

Nope.

[Daniel Tosh]

Nope. Me neither. You guys, anybody know where James Madison is?

[Unidentified Guest]

Virginia.

[Daniel Tosh]

Army. Where's army located? I have a guess. New Jersey. Where's army located?

[Unidentified Guest]

I'm looking right now.

[Daniel Tosh]

West Point, New York. You guys know where Howard is?

[Eddie Gosling]

Dc The Buffaloes.

[Daniel Tosh]

Is that a guess or do you know?

[Eddie Gosling]

No, I know that. Yeah.

[Daniel Tosh]

You know it?

[Eddie Gosling]

Yep.

[Daniel Tosh]

Yeah.

[Unidentified Guest]

Wait, where is it?

[Daniel Tosh]

D said DC but I didn't know it. I thought it was Philly because I thought, I always thought that's where Bill Cosby show was from, but I think that was Oxygen New York. Anyway. Yeah, doesn't matter. Do you know where Jackson State is? I'm guessing it's outside of Jackson.

[Eddie Gosling]

Mississippi.

[Unidentified Guest]

Mississippi. I'm going to say.

[Daniel Tosh]

You know where Morgan State is? Morgan State is in. It's got to be the South. I'm going to go Alabama. Oh, wow.

[Unidentified Guest]

Way off.

[Daniel Tosh]

What is it?

[Unidentified Guest]

It's, it's in Baltimore, Maryland.

[Daniel Tosh]

Baltimore, Maryland is what I said.

[Eddie Gosling]

Yeah, you did say that, John.

[Daniel Tosh]

Let's, let's, let's pivot over to the NFL. Dak Prescott predicted that the Cowboys would meet the Rams and in the NFC Championship. My prediction is Dax Cte is presenting. The Cardinals have better odds to make it to the NFC championship game. And they got a tiny little fella under center. Oh, wee little man.

[Eddie Gosling]

Little guy.

[Daniel Tosh]

That guy shouldn't be playing football, he's so small.

[Eddie Gosling]

Catch him. Get your gold.

[Daniel Tosh]

The Cowboys toughest opponent in the NFC east is that old hunk of driftwood, Jerry Jones. Huh? An absent minded geriatric refusing to let go of power has never been more on brand for America's team. What other teams do I want to make fun of? Hard Knocks. Did you watch Hard Knocks this year?

[Eddie Gosling]

I did.

[Daniel Tosh]

Oh, I love it. But even Hard Knocks couldn't pull it off. Making Buffalo look like someplace you want to live. If I played for Buffalo, I'd self deport and even the team knows it's a hard sell. That's why they're constantly allowing their players to race drift cars and drive horses down the highway. Anything they can do to distract them from knowing the inevitable, which is losing to the Chiefs by three points when it matters. Speaking of depressing Cleveland. Man, they dominated the preseason 30 with the 6 QB rotation. Cleveland's the only team that wishes there were still four preseason games. A win's a win. Big drama in Pittsburgh. Aaron Rodgers. Watching him with the jets was fun, but now I'm excited for him to destroy Pittsburgh. I'd rather have one of those gross sandwiches with coleslaw and french fries under center for mayonnaise. I guess it's good that he's still playing. If he wasn't, he'd probably be the US Health Secretary. By the way, the NFL is basically the WWE at this point. Oh, the Jets. First team that they play is the Steelers. How did that work out? I mean it's just ridiculous. But I'm going to watch. I'LL watch that game. I wish Aaron Rodgers well, I don't but I hope on the first snap of the game he gets Covid. There is a spike happening right now. Go get your boosters. Get your boosters. This episode of Tosh show is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Do you ever find yourself playing the budgeting game? Well, with the name your price tool from Progressive you can find options that fit your budget and and potentially lower your bills. Try [e-mail] Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates Price and coverage match limited by state law not available in all states. Carl, who do you got winning it all in college football and the NFL? Well, you heard it here. The UCF Knights and the Miami Dolphins.

[Eddie Gosling]

Like minded you two.

[Daniel Tosh]

Unbelievable. I understand. Yeah, you end up looking like your dog and you end up, you know, rooting for your owners.

[Eddie Gosling]

Same teams.

[Daniel Tosh]

Teams. Isn't it weird that I got uncomfortable with calling myself his owner?

[Eddie Gosling]

That's good for you.

[Unidentified Guest]

That's a good sign.

[Daniel Tosh]

I don't know if it's a good sign.

[Eddie Gosling]

Shows growth.

[Daniel Tosh]

Hey, speaking of my father in law, I should have done this when he was on the phone. I'm going to give you two statements about my father in law and you at home have to guess which one of them is false. Okay. Constantly sleeps with all his clothes on, pants, socks, button up, belt, etc. Not talking about taking a nap, talking about going to bed at night with all of his clothes on, socks, pants, belt, shirt. Okay, that's statement one. Statement two, uses his hand to wipe up all the crumbs on the dining room table. Like to get them off and then eats them. Which one of those is false? Okay, time's up. Neither one of them. Wow. Yeah. He does both those things.

[Eddie Gosling]

Okay.

[Daniel Tosh]

Just now I don't know if it's all. And it's certainly not. He's not doing this at restaurants, wiping up the crumbs. But at home, my wife is like, oh, yeah. He would wipe up all the crumbs on her dining room table and then he would eat them. And I've seen him do the clothes thing in person, so that seems so uncomfortable. It's like you can't wrap your head around it. What a guy. Let's do some plugs. We got the toss showstore.com. we got Eddie Gosling going on tour. We got me going on tour. Come see me in Northern California, in San Francisco, Santa Cruz, Monterey. Gonna pop out to jump out of Vegas. I think we're doing some other shows. I think we may head over to Salt Lake City. That'll be fun. The stuff I said about the Mormons. Sorry about that. Now, before we go, let's make sure that Amanda finds true love. Okay? This is my wife's cousin. We're looking for her to find a husband and a father to her children, which she does not have yet, but let's go. Tick, tick, fellas. Who do we got today? Eddie.

[Eddie Gosling]

Here we go. Let's play this guy.

[Daniel Tosh]

Hey, Chris from Philadelphia. First time, long time doing laundry right now. It's not a great time, but. Yeah. What do you think about Tua this year? Oh, okay. This guy's. Why is doing laundry not a good time?

[Eddie Gosling]

He chose the time to call. What's insane.

[Daniel Tosh]

Yeah, and I'm. And also, is he even interested in dating my wife's cousin?

[Eddie Gosling]

He's abusing the number.

[Daniel Tosh]

He's just calling to ask me about my thoughts on Tua. Listen, Tua is going to take us to the promised land. All right? So far, this guy's a front runner.

[Eddie Gosling]

Yeah. Okay.

[Daniel Tosh]

He likes sports and he does laundry.

[Eddie Gosling]

Yeah, it's a catch.

[Daniel Tosh]

That's not the worst. See you next week.

[Shopify Announcer]

Shopify helps you sell at every stage of your business. Like that. Let's put it online and see what happens. Stage.

[Daniel Tosh]

And the site is live that we.

[Shopify Announcer]

Opened a store and need a fast checkout. Stage. Thanks. You're all set. That count it up and ship it around the globe Stage.

[Daniel Tosh]

This one's going to Thailand.

[Shopify Announcer]

And that. Wait, did we just hit a million orders? Stage. Whatever your stage. Businesses that come grow, grow with Shopify. Sign up for your $1 a month trial at Shopify. Com. Listen.