My Real Estate Guru - Chris Cortazzo

Summary

Tosh Show Episode Summary: "My Real Estate Guru - Chris Cortazzo"

Podcast Information

• Title: Tosh Show
• Host: Daniel Tosh
• Guest: Chris Cortazzo
• Release Date: October 29, 2024
• Description: Tosh Show offers a unique glimpse into comedian Daniel Tosh's perspectives as he interviews fascinating individuals, discusses current events, and shares personal anecdotes. The show promises no topic is off-limits, catering to a wide audience's curiosity.

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1. Introduction

The episode begins with a brief promotional segment before Daniel Tosh welcomes listeners to the show. He introduces the guest, Chris Cortazzo, whom he hails as "the number one real estate agent in the world for over a decade," though he humorously admits to not having verified the claim (09:14), stirring immediate interest in Chris's credentials and achievements.

2. Guest Introduction and Background

Chris Cortazzo shares his impressive career trajectory, revealing that he has closed over $10 billion in sales, primarily within Malibu, California. He highlights his extensive experience working with celebrities, contributing to his reputation as a top-tier real estate agent. Daniel Tosh expresses his admiration, noting, "You're my celebrity" (29:35).

3. Moving to Malibu

Daniel Tosh recounts his personal experience of moving to Malibu, detailing the challenges and high costs associated with real estate in the area. He shares a pivotal moment when a mysterious woman showed up at his Malibu home, prompting him to move and eventually build his own residence—a process that took eight years before his house tragically burned down. Despite the setback, Tosh expresses contentment with his Malibu life, stating, "hindsight is 20/20. I'm here and I'm happy. I love the beach" (04:10).

4. Real Estate Career

Chris Cortazzo delves into his real estate career, starting with his first sale to actor Richard Gere for $5 million, which would be approximately $75 million today. He discusses the rigorous demands of his job, working "14 hours a day, every seven days a week" (11:59). Tosh probes into his high-volume sales and the nature of working with affluent and celebrity clients, to which Chris responds with humility, emphasizing hard work and dedication: "It's a lot. After the end of the day, you're tired" (11:37).

5. Personal Life and Childhood

Chris opens up about his upbringing in Malibu, challenging the stereotype of constant wealth by describing his family's modest means. His father was a fireman, and the family lived frugally, using coupons and driving old station wagons. Chris shares, "We went out to dinner maybe once every two months. My brother and I would split a root beer" (14:16). Tosh contrasts this with his own childhood in a "horrible, poor Florida town," highlighting their different upbringings.

6. Experiences and Anecdotes

The conversation takes a personal turn as Daniel Tosh asks Chris about his beliefs in ghosts. Chris recounts a chilling childhood experience where he and his father saw a ghost at his grandmother's house, leading to significant personal reflections (12:09). This segue into personal anecdotes helps humanize Chris, allowing listeners to connect beyond his professional persona.

7. Real Estate Market Insights

Chris provides valuable insights into the Malibu real estate market, discussing the challenges of pricing properties where variables like ocean views and location nuances play significant roles. He mentions selling a one-bedroom property for $15 million, defying traditional pricing norms in the area (23:29). Furthermore, Chris touches on recent legal changes affecting real estate agents, clarifying that while listing compensation disclosures have changed, his business operations remain largely unaffected (24:17).

8. Parenting and Personal Challenges

The discussion shifts to Chris's personal life, particularly his role as a father. He reveals that his children sleep in his bed every night, a parenting choice that contrasts with traditional norms. Tosh humorously disagrees, advocating for individual rooms for children, demonstrating a light-hearted dynamic between host and guest (38:13). Chris emphasizes his desire to balance a demanding career with family life, acknowledging the complexities involved.

9. Final Thoughts and Wrap-up

As the interview concludes, Daniel Tosh reflects on Chris's journey from modest beginnings to becoming a top real estate agent. He commends Chris's perseverance and dedication, stating, "How in the world does that happen?" (44:12). The episode wraps up with a humorous exchange about missed calls during the interview, showcasing the ongoing light-hearted rapport between Tosh and Cortazzo.

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Notable Quotes

• Daniel Tosh (09:14): "Chris Cortazo chapter. Let's see what your top one is currently right now 75 million. Or you can rent it for 200,000 a month. Oh that's a steal."

• Chris Cortazzo (10:23): "It's a lot. After the end of the day, you're tired."

• Daniel Tosh (12:09): "Do you believe in ghosts?"

• Chris Cortazzo (14:16): "We went out to dinner maybe once every two months. My brother and I would split a root beer."

• Chris Cortazzo (23:29): "I did. 15 million. One bedroom."

• Daniel Tosh (38:13): "I want you to be straight up honest and tell me the exact number that you're worth, because I bet it's fucking huge."

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Insights and Conclusions

This episode offers a multifaceted look into Chris Cortazzo's life, blending professional expertise with personal storytelling. Listeners gain an understanding of the high-stakes Malibu real estate market, the dedication required to excel in such a competitive field, and the balancing act between career success and personal fulfillment. Additionally, the candid discussions about upbringing, beliefs, and family life provide depth to Chris's character, making the episode both informative and engaging.

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For those interested in high-end real estate, celebrity lifestyles, and personal growth stories, this episode of the Tosh Show delivers a compelling narrative through Chris Cortazzo's experiences.

Transcript

[Daniel Tosh]

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[Daniel Tosh]

Or dsw.com you get these weekly things and I always just like look your page. I'm like holy shit. Here goes the Chris Cortazo chapter. Let's see what your top one is currently right now 75 million. Or you can rent it for 200,000amonth. Oh that's a steal.

[Chris Cortazo]

That is a steal. By the way.

[Daniel Tosh]

Shut the up. It is 200,000. Look at how many pages you are. Good God you have so much real estate. Posh show, Posh show. Posh show. Welcome to Tosh Show. I'm Daniel and I'm a Toshaholic. Hi.

[Chris Cortazo]

Hi Daniel.

[Daniel Tosh]

Eddie. How are you?

[Chris Cortazo]

I'm good.

[Daniel Tosh]

How are you? Oh man, I tell you what, I'm getting ready for the Civil War. I cannot wait. I don't know which side I'm going to fight on yet. I'm undecided. I know who I voted for. But as far as the Civil War part of this goes, I'm not sure I'm not sure what side I'm going to fight on. I might put a Trump sign in my front yard after the election and just hope that, that, you know, lets people know to pass on by the bubble I live in. Let me say something about this bubble too. We talk about Malibu a lot and today is a very exciting day for me. Before I lived in Malibu in Los Angeles, I lived down in South Bay. And that's like a little slice of Orange county in LA County. I was living there when I started doing tosh zero and then one night a girl came to my house, knocked on the door. I didn't know who it was. I looked outside, I didn't open it. You know, the houses, they're all right next to each other. I had a three bedroom, two bath home, a 25 foot by 100 foot lot. Give you an idea of the, you know, small land. They just put these tall skinny homes right next to each other. Anyway, I'm at that house and I look out the window and I see this girl and she's got a bag of stuff. It's late at night, I have no idea who it is, so I don't open it. And eventually I call the police and they say that she met me six years ago and said that I needed to be here on this night with these things in her bag. At that point they kind of stopped talking. They're like, listen, this, this person is, is, you know, needs mental help. We, we'll get rid of her for you. And I'm like, okay. But at that point I was like, oh, I gotta move. And people always think Malibu is so expensive, but the reality is where I lived was expensive. Look at prices for homes in Manhattan Beach. It's ridiculous. So one day a friend of mine was like, hey, I, I didn't know this real estate agent. Why don't you go look in Malibu? You like surfing? There's so much, the waves are so much better up there. You know, I live down in South Bend. There's some good left point breaks, but let's. I'm a natural foot. I wanted right point breaks. Never mind, you don't care about that. Anyway, so we start looking at Malibu. Next thing I know I'm looking at an acre of property. I'm not talking about the cool area of Malibu right on the beach. I'm talking about further west and you know, the farmlands. And you're, all of a sudden you're getting a home with a guest house and a pool and, and I'll be Honest with you, it was like $2 million ocean views. I'm like, this is incredible. Now, this is back in 2009, maybe 2010. All of a sudden I'm like, hold on, why don't I just build a house out here? Just get some old tear down. That seems like a genius idea. And that's what I did, and that's how I ended up here. Now, was it a huge mistake? Absolutely. Took me eight years to build a house and then it burnt down. But whatever, you know, hindsight is 20 20. I'm here and I'm happy. I love the beach, Eddie. He's still down in South Bay. I miss him every day. But, you know, that's all right. His kids are almost out of the house. Once he's an empty nester, I'm sure him and his wife, you know, maybe they end up downsizing, get a houseboat, you know, come dock near my nearby. We spend more time together, play monopoly, deal at night, maybe a rummy cub or, you know, what's the game that I have to play a lot now? It's like guess who? But it's not guess who. You have to connect the words that are on this. Like, you put these cards out and you have to like say one word and your partner has to guess what? Code names. Code names. Oh, I'm playing so much code names now. I kind of like it. I have a little thing that infuriates my wife. When we play code names, you're always allowed to guess one extra than if you haven't, if you. During your turn. And I will always just guess one extra, just randomly based off nothing. I'll just point and pick another card. And you know, sometimes it's the assassin and the game is over, right? Then it's just everybody's mad. But it's just a fun way to play the game. I always pick one extra. That's code names. That's a free plug right there. Anyway, code names. I don't know if you're a sponsor, but you sure as shit should be because you're part of my life at least once a week. Anyway, what are we talking about? Oh, why I moved to Malibu. Okay, well, today's guest, the king of Malibu in my book. And I'm excited. Oh, I've had a man crush on this guy for over 15 years.

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[Daniel Tosh]

PAW Show. My guest today was the number one real estate agent in the world for over a decade. Now, I didn't verify that, but if you have missed millions of dollars burning a hole in your pocket and are looking to purchase a tear down in Malibu. Today's guest is your man. He's closed over 10 billion in sales. That's billion working discreetly with more celebrities than a luxury addiction treatment center. And if you're wondering how he got him, well, he lives and works down the street from me. Kindly take your shoes off at the door as I welcome into the toss show open house, Chris Cortazzo. Chris.

[Chris Cortazo]

Hello, Daniel.

[Daniel Tosh]

By the way, I always feel like real estate agents lie. Is. Maybe that's.

[Chris Cortazo]

I don't lie.

[Daniel Tosh]

No, no. A lie about like, oh, I was the number one. But you legitimately were the number one real estate agent in the world.

[Chris Cortazo]

Well, I was with Coldwell Banker for. And for 12 years. I was number one out of 93,000 agents within the Coldwell Banker family. Nationally, internationally. It's. I don't think it's ever.

[Daniel Tosh]

It doesn't matter. It's still such an absurd number, by the way. 10 billion.

[Chris Cortazo]

It's a lot of work. Seven days a week.

[Daniel Tosh]

I believe it. I know who you are. I see you. I see your car. I see you. By the way, who puts a fucking baby on board sticker on a goddamn Rolls Royce? What the fuck's wrong with you?

[Chris Cortazo]

Gotta make it a little bit better so it's not so obnoxious.

[Daniel Tosh]

You don't have to worry about it because I had on Chandler Parsons and he had his NBA basketball career destroyed when he was t boned in his Rolls Royce. But they said had he not been in a Rolls Royce, he'd have been dead.

[Chris Cortazo]

Well, that's why I got it. It's so darn safe.

[Daniel Tosh]

Oh, it's a tank.

[Chris Cortazo]

I know.

[Daniel Tosh]

All right, let's get back on.

[Chris Cortazo]

He's a great guy, by the way.

[Daniel Tosh]

Do you know. Okay. Have you sold him something?

[Chris Cortazo]

Yeah, a few things.

[Daniel Tosh]

Have you?

[Chris Cortazo]

Yeah. I love. I love Chandler.

[Daniel Tosh]

Good for you, Chris. God damn it. You have so many clients. And you do have to understand this. I don't have celebrities on my show. But you're my celebrity. Because your world is what I'm fascinated. I would never want to do what you do because I understand that you work constantly. I also understand that you have to be n to everybody in the community. And everybody in the community is not a great person. So that blows my mind how you pull that off. Everywhere you go, everybody comes up to you to talk and you're just always like. You have to just be on and I don't know how you do it. That's just maddening to me.

[Chris Cortazo]

It's a lot. After the end of the day, you're tired. Oh, that's why I love my ranch property in northern Malibu. Because it's so silent and no one could get in and you're at peace.

[Daniel Tosh]

Good for you. I mean, you're.

[Chris Cortazo]

Although with a 3 and a 5 year old. I don't know how much peace there is now.

[Daniel Tosh]

But honestly, how many hours are you working? You have to have slowed down a little bit because you have children now. But prior to that, let's say that that 10 year old, I was working.

[Chris Cortazo]

Like 14 hours a day, every seven days a week. Yeah, yeah. Not call me at Christmas time.

[Daniel Tosh]

Yeah. All right. My first question I ask all my guests. Do you believe in ghosts?

[Chris Cortazo]

Oh, yes. I saw one as a child.

[Daniel Tosh]

Oh, did you?

[Chris Cortazo]

Sure. Yes. At my grandma and great aunt's house. I was downstairs and he passed away in this room. My great aunt's husband and I woke up and literally screamed because I saw this whole floating ghost like thing coming towards me.

[Daniel Tosh]

Wait, wait, you said you woke up?

[Chris Cortazo]

Well, I was awake and I saw this thing coming towards me. I screamed would not go back in the room. My dad slept there the next night, saw the same thing.

[Daniel Tosh]

Your dad was trying. He was trying to make you feel good. Now, professionally, realtors have to disclose if someone dies in a home. Is that because of some old law that we believe spirits are still in the house?

[Chris Cortazo]

I don't know where that comes from, but I think it's if someone is not murdered or a suicide or something like that. I think it could be a beautiful thing if you die in your home because you obviously love your home and that's where you want to leave your body.

[Daniel Tosh]

But why do we.

[Chris Cortazo]

I think that could be a positive thing.

[Daniel Tosh]

Why do we have to disclose it?

[Chris Cortazo]

Because I think it's important for people to know. People always ask if someone. I said, oh, the seller passed away. They always ask, did they pass away in this home?

[Daniel Tosh]

Well, I know, but I mean legally just tells me like that that's basically saying that we believe there are spirits. Maybe now, perhaps. Maybe now. I have to change my opinion. What was childhood like growing up in Malibu?

[Chris Cortazo]

Absolutely heaven. There was no fences. We had big to kick the can games. And we'd all run through the canyons, all through these scooby trails and it was just divine. We'd walk to school.

[Daniel Tosh]

I walked my kid to school.

[Chris Cortazo]

I know, but by ourselves, like we would walk to school.

[Daniel Tosh]

Well, he's five, he's. He barely can get there on his own.

[Chris Cortazo]

I know, but that was just a different time.

[Daniel Tosh]

Are you going to be one of these people? Like when I was a kid, life was so much better.

[Chris Cortazo]

No, I think it changes. I mean, my God, we didn't have a lot of money growing up, so I mean, that confuses people.

[Daniel Tosh]

So you grew up in Malibu and you say you didn't have a lot of money. People don't realize that there are parts of Malibu that aren't just uber wealthy people. And back then, it didn't necessarily mean uber wealthy.

[Chris Cortazo]

No way. My dad was a fireman. We cut out coupons. We drove old Falcon station wagons because that's what we could afford. We went out to dinner maybe once every two months. My brother and I would split a root beer. We didn't have any extra funds.

[Daniel Tosh]

What's your childhood home cost? My parents, like, well, I mean, just itch.

[Chris Cortazo]

I know, but they bought the land for $11,000 in 1960. My dad built our house in 1966, the year I was born. And now it's probably worth 25, 30.

[Daniel Tosh]

That's million.

[Chris Cortazo]

Million. Yeah.

[Daniel Tosh]

Yeah.

[Chris Cortazo]

Not a bad investment.

[Daniel Tosh]

When did you come out, your family?

[Chris Cortazo]

27.

[Daniel Tosh]

You were 27 years old?

[Chris Cortazo]

Yeah.

[Daniel Tosh]

Did they have any inclination?

[Chris Cortazo]

They probably had an idea. But my parents were so cool. I was hanging out with Herb Ritz. My mom was in Canada taking care of my beautiful grandmother. And she goes, chris, I know Herb's a gay man and you're spending a lot of time with him. And I said, I'm enjoying myself, and I find him fascinating. They said, as long as you're happy, we're happy. I mean, that's the way it should be.

[Daniel Tosh]

Well, of course, but. I mean, but it wasn't until 27 were you hiding it.

[Chris Cortazo]

I think there's always curiosity, but I had the most beautiful, spectacular girlfriends. I was engaged to this gorgeous Australian girl, and I had a great life. But it was interesting. I was with her, and I saw these two guys holding hands on the street in Oxford street in Sydney, Australia. And I was like, ew. Like. But I thought, you know what? Chris Cortazo is not a lie. You can't live this life as a lie. And then Herb was my idilly. Dallied with men before. But then that was my first open relationship, and it hit Malibu by a storm because I was a beach lifeguard, had all these great girlfriends and that, don't forget, that was like 92. That was a different era.

[Daniel Tosh]

Well, here's what I'm.

[Chris Cortazo]

I mean, it was crazy, but I'm so curious about. I always stood up to what I believe in.

[Daniel Tosh]

I read an article that you were featured in decade ago because I knew you as a gay man, very successful real estate agent to the stars. But there's something in the article that struck me, and it was like your support of your mother your whole life, she was just like, let you do Whatever you wanted, it just supported you. And I was like, oh, that's amazing. But in my head, I had pictured you out much younger, and I was curious as someone who grew up in a horrible, poor Florida town. And I was like, oh, I wonder how different it is growing up in Malibu. Were people open then? But you're saying, no, not so much.

[Chris Cortazo]

And all my friends. And I was like, cortazo's gay. And I was like, I'm traveling the world with Cindy Crawford and Claudia Schiffer, and every day with Herb was a different, incredible experience.

[Daniel Tosh]

So you've had sex with women?

[Chris Cortazo]

Oh, yeah.

[Daniel Tosh]

Lots.

[Chris Cortazo]

Yeah.

[Daniel Tosh]

Do you remember the last time you had sex with a woman? Yes, the very last time. You can remember it vividly. How long ago was it?

[Chris Cortazo]

Probably three weeks ago. I'm kidding.

[Daniel Tosh]

So mad at you. Oh, by the way, so what? You're. You were a lifeguard. I knew you were a lifeguard. As. What other jobs did you have before became.

[Chris Cortazo]

I was a massage therapist.

[Daniel Tosh]

Oh, sexy.

[Chris Cortazo]

Yeah. Which it makes sense, though, because I'm such a. Like, I'm always hugging, and I'm just an outgoing guy.

[Daniel Tosh]

Can you still give a good rub if you need to?

[Chris Cortazo]

Yeah, whatever it takes.

[Daniel Tosh]

Oh. Clients are asking.

[Chris Cortazo]

I'm kidding.

[Daniel Tosh]

How'd you get into real estate in the first place?

[Chris Cortazo]

I was working with her Brits, and he was shooting every celebrity and every wealthy person at the time. And on the shoots, they would say, yo, you're born and raised in Malibu. And I say, yes. And they say, where should I buy? And I'd say, well, what. What are you looking for? Cause I know every aspect of Malibu. After that, I started putting two and two together, and I was like, I'm gonna sell real estate. And my first sale was to Richard Gere.

[Daniel Tosh]

Your first sale was to Richard Gere?

[Chris Cortazo]

5 million at the time, which probably today is like a $75 million sale.

[Daniel Tosh]

Geez.

[Chris Cortazo]

Yeah.

[Daniel Tosh]

What's Richard up to these days?

[Chris Cortazo]

He's remarried.

[Daniel Tosh]

Huh. Good for him.

[Chris Cortazo]

Yeah.

[Daniel Tosh]

I can't wait to get remarried. How? The real estate exam. How often do you have to take it? Just one time.

[Chris Cortazo]

Yeah, but then you have to do refresher courses every time.

[Daniel Tosh]

How'd you do on your exam?

[Chris Cortazo]

I failed it three times. Disaster. Disaster.

[Daniel Tosh]

Yet all these girls that retire from bottle service at nightclubs tend to breeze through it.

[Chris Cortazo]

No. I panic. Multiple choice test.

[Daniel Tosh]

Good for you.

[Chris Cortazo]

There's always two. And I picked the wrong one.

[Daniel Tosh]

So you failed three times, you became an agent, and then you.

[Chris Cortazo]

But I never gave up. I never. I Don't give up on anything you.

[Daniel Tosh]

Sell outside of Malibu.

[Chris Cortazo]

Yeah, of course. I have something on the Palisades for 37 million on Amalfi. Amazing house, celebrity owned house. And I just got the listing. I sold properties all over.

[Daniel Tosh]

Okay, but la. Ok, so LA is how far you don't go down to Orange county at all?

[Chris Cortazo]

Oh, no, no, no, no.

[Daniel Tosh]

You ever fuck with duplexes? That's just a fun thing to say.

[Chris Cortazo]

We don't have many duplexes.

[Daniel Tosh]

There's no duplexes. What's the fastest you've ever, like, somebody's walked in and bought and closed a house. Can you, like, turn around? Like, no contingencies. Here's the money. Cash all.

[Chris Cortazo]

No, no, because that's so dangerous. Because you have to review the title report.

[Daniel Tosh]

Okay, but. So what's the fastest you've ever done? A week?

[Chris Cortazo]

Yeah, a week.

[Daniel Tosh]

I would say I'm gonna retell a story. I wanted to go into your house, and you let my wife and I walk around your house. And then just casually when we were leaving, you're like, I'll sell it to you for 22. This is a decade ago.

[Chris Cortazo]

Really?

[Daniel Tosh]

That's what you said. You go, do you want it? I'll sell it to you for 22. And I was like, where did you even come up with that number?

[Chris Cortazo]

You should have bought it then. Cause now I want 37.

[Daniel Tosh]

No, I couldn't have. I didn't want it. By the way, a lot of naked women, African women, art in your place.

[Chris Cortazo]

I love Africa. It's my. One of my favorite places to travel to. I have a really good photography collection.

[Daniel Tosh]

Yeah, it's pretty.

[Chris Cortazo]

But you notice that everything is, like, lines and shapes and I didn't notice that.

[Daniel Tosh]

I don't have a great eye for that stuff. What I did notice is that it was beautiful. And then I noticed that a lot of your frames had, like, necklaces draped over them.

[Chris Cortazo]

Yeah, everywhere I travel in Africa or wherever, I get necklaces and I put it all over the picture frames. Good memory. I'm very impressed. Oh, so you have a memory too?

[Daniel Tosh]

Yeah, but mine's useless. You know, it's meant for stupid stuff. How many NDAs have you had a sign in your life?

[Chris Cortazo]

Hundreds.

[Daniel Tosh]

You've just seen horrible shit too, haven't you?

[Chris Cortazo]

You see it all.

[Daniel Tosh]

What's the least expensive piece of real estate you've ever sold?

[Chris Cortazo]

Probably 700,000, maybe.

[Daniel Tosh]

700,000? That's the least expensive, I would say. When's the last time you've had to open Up a whole house and do all the turning, all the lights on, opening the doors. Do you do any of that stuff anymore, or is that all beneath you?

[Chris Cortazo]

That's usually. No, nothing's beneath me. I will pick up a leaf or trash on the cigarette butt on pch. I will do whatever it takes. I'm still the same guy. I'm not above anything. Whatever it takes.

[Daniel Tosh]

You do those dumb open houses. You don't ever have, like, themes.

[Chris Cortazo]

I don't do open houses, but the great thing is with my staff, because I have so much of the inventory in Malibu, they all prepare because usually if someone's coming in, they're going to see the whole series from one end of Malibu the next. And all my assistants are going ahead and preparing the next house. So I don't usually go in and prepare a house because time is so important.

[Daniel Tosh]

Forget that. But do you have a party? Like, do you do that type of thing for open house?

[Chris Cortazo]

No, no, no, no, no, no.

[Daniel Tosh]

Just show the house.

[Chris Cortazo]

I just show the house.

[Daniel Tosh]

Food, drinks, none of that.

[Chris Cortazo]

No.

[Daniel Tosh]

Good for you.

[Chris Cortazo]

Because you know what I mean? If agents are coming to get free food, they're not going to be selling the house. Like, we don't have time. Top agents are. We're busy.

[Daniel Tosh]

How big's your team now?

[Chris Cortazo]

16, maybe 14 to 16.

[Daniel Tosh]

Are you rarely at your open houses, or is it just your team now?

[Chris Cortazo]

Not on weekends. I don't do that. But if the client wants open houses, all my assistants are there doing it. They're all licensed, amazing, qualified, a lot of them. Born and raised in Malibu.

[Daniel Tosh]

Is there heavy turnover? I mean, because are they always looking like, don't they want to be the next Chris Cortazo or. No. Are they happy being on a great team?

[Chris Cortazo]

I had one assistant, such a great guy, and he looked at me with all what I've created financially and everything, he goes, I would never want to be you because no one wants to put in the hours or the stress. So there you go.

[Daniel Tosh]

I don't want to be you, but I like to see you.

[Chris Cortazo]

I don't even want to be me right now. I work too hard.

[Daniel Tosh]

I watched you one time, I was in one of my neighbor's houses that was for sale, and I watched it just had come on the market and I watched you preview it. I've never seen a human walk through a house so quickly. Just. Just like. Like Jake, take an inventory of what it was. Got it. Thanks. Out. That's just what you do.

[Chris Cortazo]

I'm like an elephant when it comes To a house, floor plans, everything. I just need to see it real quick and I'm done.

[Daniel Tosh]

What about your math? Are you one of those wizards with math where I tell you it's 8,000 square feet and I want 25 million? What's that per square foot?

[Chris Cortazo]

You know what? Per square foot in Malibu is almost impossible?

[Daniel Tosh]

Okay, you can't do it. It doesn't matter.

[Chris Cortazo]

It's really hard because one property could have a view. One could be on the bluff, one could be on the other side of the street. There's just. It's too hard.

[Daniel Tosh]

That one bedroom on Cliffside, do you sell it for 15 million?

[Chris Cortazo]

I did.

[Daniel Tosh]

Good for you.

[Chris Cortazo]

Yeah.

[Daniel Tosh]

15 million. One bedroom. Now it's for rent as a two bedroom. Yeah. Good for them for putting a wall up.

[Chris Cortazo]

I love it when I go against other people. And they said you could never. You'll never get this price. I've changed the price points of Malibu. Sorry for buyers, but I've really raised prices in Malibu because I believe so strongly in it.

[Daniel Tosh]

Explain to me the whole world is focused now on this lawsuit that has changed the game for agents. Give me a brief rundown of what happens now. It used to be the seller would sell a house and they would put up 3% or 6% that you would split between.

[Chris Cortazo]

Yeah, it's 5 or 6%.

[Daniel Tosh]

Okay.

[Chris Cortazo]

And now, now it's the same thing. But you cannot list the compensation for the buyer's agent in the multiple listing service. But the agents call and say, is there compensation for me? And I say, all my listings have compensation. And this is what it is. So it's business as usual.

[Daniel Tosh]

Should we negotiate with agents when we're selling a house? Should we say, hey, can I get a deal?

[Chris Cortazo]

Why?

[Daniel Tosh]

I don't know. I don't.

[Chris Cortazo]

That's a horrible idea.

[Daniel Tosh]

Are people trying to save money?

[Chris Cortazo]

It's a horrible idea.

[Daniel Tosh]

Doesn't. Doesn't it change with, like, now that everybody has their smartphones and they can look up everything on their own?

[Chris Cortazo]

I know, but there's so much more to selling real estate than just that. You. You want proper representation and you want to be educated on the market. You just can't come into Malibu.

[Daniel Tosh]

You don't have to sell me on this.

[Chris Cortazo]

No, I'm just saying.

[Daniel Tosh]

Well, I'm just gonna say because. Because so many times, especially in this area, so many houses are off market and people don't even know about them. They're not on the mls.

[Chris Cortazo]

I know, but that's why I have a lot of pocket listings.

[Daniel Tosh]

How Many pocket listings do you have?

[Chris Cortazo]

A lot.

[Daniel Tosh]

Do some of these Mount Alabamians, do they hate you?

[Chris Cortazo]

No, they love me. Because when they want to sell it, they're delighted.

[Daniel Tosh]

Listen, I have a neighbor that I would do anything if you could pull it off to make them sell and leave. Oh, we have such an awful relationship.

[Chris Cortazo]

Wow, that's too bad.

[Daniel Tosh]

It's just horrible. They won't even look me in the eye. My kids will walk by, they'll just.

[Chris Cortazo]

You know what? I think you're talking about my aunt.

[Daniel Tosh]

Oh, is it really your aunt? I would love it. I would. Well, if I could find an end to bridge the gap. I've tried so many times to be like, I go to bed at 9:00. I'm like a dream neighbor. But they're just one of these people that calls the city every fucking day for something in the neighborhood, not just me.

[Chris Cortazo]

That's too bad.

[Daniel Tosh]

You ever advertise on a shopping cart in pavilions?

[Chris Cortazo]

Never.

[Daniel Tosh]

Does that even work?

[Chris Cortazo]

I have no idea. Would you die if you saw my name?

[Daniel Tosh]

I think it's funny.

[Chris Cortazo]

I think I might just do it for you.

[Daniel Tosh]

I like it. How come real estate ads always have to have the realtor's face on it?

[Chris Cortazo]

Well, I think you want that facial recognition. But now in Malibu, I know most.

[Daniel Tosh]

People, so if you have a handyman. That's amazing. I need a recommendation. Like, just a guy that can do anything and will get it done. Yeah, I need a great hand.

[Chris Cortazo]

Ask me for anything. I know all that stuff.

[Daniel Tosh]

I know. Well, that's what I just asked you right now.

[Chris Cortazo]

I don't have my phone.

[Daniel Tosh]

Fine, I turned it off.

[Chris Cortazo]

It's just a shock.

[Daniel Tosh]

This is what I want to do at the end of this, I want you to turn your phone on and I want you to tell me how many text and phone calls you missed in the length of this interview. Oh, it's gonna be good. It's gonna be huge.

[Chris Cortazo]

Now you're making me nervous.

[Daniel Tosh]

It's so stressful. I know what you do. It's so stressful. You go to the bathroom in your listings a lot. Pee, Poop. You poop?

[Chris Cortazo]

Never.

[Daniel Tosh]

You've never pooped in your listings?

[Chris Cortazo]

I would rather kill myself. No.

[Daniel Tosh]

That is such an extreme.

[Chris Cortazo]

No, no. That's so private for me.

[Daniel Tosh]

All right, well, then you've got amazing bowel control. But where do you draw the line? Because you're allowed to use the bathroom.

[Chris Cortazo]

Of course I know I.

[Daniel Tosh]

Have I ever had sex in one of your listings? Are you allowed to no. Why are you not allowed to have sex in their bed? You're allowed to use their bathroom. Why can't you use their bed? What's the best way to lowball?

[Chris Cortazo]

It depends on the market. If it's a tough market, what you might consider a lowball might be accepted. You don't know.

[Daniel Tosh]

Is writing a letter worth it or no?

[Chris Cortazo]

Yes.

[Daniel Tosh]

I just recently tried it. Wrote a letter and put in a lowball on a property up in Tahoe. And they're like, yeah, we got a higher offer. Thank you.

[Chris Cortazo]

I think it helps. I wrote a letter when I bought my place in Tennessee and there was two graves on the property from the previous owners. And I wrote a beautiful letter saying I'd be honored that they would be there to be the guardians of blah, blah, blah. And I really meant it. And every time I go there, their graves are there. And I go. We put flowers beside them and honor them.

[Daniel Tosh]

You don't yell at your staff? Why haven't you dug these up yet?

[Chris Cortazo]

Is there a Rolex watch down there?

[Daniel Tosh]

What if there was? Oh, man, I couldn't resist. How many properties do you own? You say that number. You don't have to answer if you don't want to.

[Chris Cortazo]

A lot.

[Daniel Tosh]

Over a dozen.

[Chris Cortazo]

Oh, yeah.

[Daniel Tosh]

Over 50? No, under 50. Over a dozen. That's fair.

[Chris Cortazo]

Yeah.

[Daniel Tosh]

How many outside of the state? I can see your fingers.

[Chris Cortazo]

Five.

[Daniel Tosh]

Okay. How many acres in Tennessee?

[Chris Cortazo]

150. And do you know what it's called? It's so great. Obviously. My name's christopher and it's 100 acre woods after Winnie the Pooh.

[Daniel Tosh]

Oh, that's cute.

[Chris Cortazo]

Isn't that great?

[Daniel Tosh]

I like it.

[Chris Cortazo]

I love it.

[Daniel Tosh]

I love Winnie the Pooh. Have you ever been to Dollywood?

[Chris Cortazo]

Never.

[Daniel Tosh]

You've gotta go. It's so great. Ever bring your kids? They'll freak. It's so fun.

[Chris Cortazo]

Isn't Dolly the best?

[Daniel Tosh]

Oh, she's great.

[Chris Cortazo]

I have a Dolly sort. When I was with Herb and she ordered, like, mashed potatoes and Mac and cheese and she just would take a bite of each. So she got to enjoy it but wouldn't eat the rest. I mean, that's. She's fabulous.

[Daniel Tosh]

Oh, that's really funny.

[Chris Cortazo]

She still gets to enjoy it.

[Daniel Tosh]

She's got a figure to watch. You have tons of celebrity clients. Almost exclusively now. Where would I fall on the celebrity scale?

[Chris Cortazo]

You're kind of a fascinating person to me because I never thought you actually liked me. So you were kind of like larger than life to me. I guess there's a little insecurity on my side. So I think you're like super seed celebrity because you're kind of like this anomaly to me.

[Daniel Tosh]

Wait, did you say super C?

[Chris Cortazo]

Super seed.

[Daniel Tosh]

Oh, that's way better than a super C.

[Chris Cortazo]

Yeah, maybe a C minus. So I was really touched that you wanted me to be on the show because I never thought you liked me. So you kind of, like, you're a little beyond celebrity to me.

[Daniel Tosh]

That's. That's nonsense.

[Chris Cortazo]

But it's not nonsense.

[Daniel Tosh]

That just means I'm so. That I'm putting off negative energy, which is. Which I've been accused of. For you to feel that.

[Chris Cortazo]

No, it's a cool factor.

[Daniel Tosh]

Oh, brother.

[Chris Cortazo]

It is. There's somewhat of a cool factor there.

[Daniel Tosh]

Well, Chris, I'm glad we put that to rest, because people sometimes when they see a celebrity, they recognize them and they kind of, like, are nervous and so they won't talk to them, or they just like, oh, I'm going to give them their space and let me do the thing. You. When people see you, everyone almost feels entitled to go talk to you. And that's where I'm like, it's.

[Chris Cortazo]

Even with my earbuds in, they still will just wait around for me to hang up my call.

[Daniel Tosh]

No, I watch it from afar. I think that's also what I find fascinating because I'm like. I just couldn't imagine having to be on that much.

[Chris Cortazo]

But that's only. But the great thing is it's Malibu. So if I go to Tennessee or wherever I go, no one knows where I'm at.

[Daniel Tosh]

I'm going to change that because I got a huge following outside of Chattanooga.

[Chris Cortazo]

But do you get noticed when you go out of place? Yes.

[Daniel Tosh]

Yeah. But not, like, by the people. I want to be noticed. It's usually like some weirdo that's bagging my groceries going, what's up, Josh? And I'm like, all right, here we go. Yeah, Malibu. It used to say 26 miles. Now it's 23 miles. I don't give a shit of why that changed, but the danger of the highway, of people getting killed, there's always signs, like, 61 people since 2010 or something. I don't know. Do you have a way to fix the PCH to make it safer?

[Chris Cortazo]

I don't know how you do it.

[Daniel Tosh]

I do.

[Chris Cortazo]

How?

[Daniel Tosh]

The thing is, it's a highway, okay. And the city is a tourist destination. So you have. The two don't go together. So you just have to say, well, if we actually care about people dying on the PC, if we really want to stop it, then we can't have 55 mile an hour zones anywhere.

[Chris Cortazo]

Right?

[Daniel Tosh]

And you can't allow parking anywhere. People slamming on their brakes to back into a spot is absurd. On a highway. I mean, imagine driving down a highway and somebody in front of you is going backwards towards you. That's obscene. So you have to.

[Chris Cortazo]

Well, especially the summer traffic is. You have to eliminate beyond crazy.

[Daniel Tosh]

You can't allow people to park on the side of the highway and you have to lower the speed limit to 35 and just be like, fuck it if you want people to not die.

[Chris Cortazo]

I know, but can you imagine going 30 miles an hour to Santa Monica?

[Daniel Tosh]

We would all kill ourselves because you and I are the only geniuses that figured out living here and working here is the right move.

[Chris Cortazo]

All these people that commute 30, 30 miles per hour. Oh my goody God, that would be shocking.

[Daniel Tosh]

All right, well that.

[Chris Cortazo]

No, then you would have road rage and it would be like millions more.

[Daniel Tosh]

I don't get road rage. I used to and now I don't. Do you want to know how I eliminated it?

[Chris Cortazo]

How?

[Daniel Tosh]

I just assume that everybody that's driving around me, that's frantic is about to shit themselves and they have to get somewhere. So I'm like, let them go. Don't get upset.

[Chris Cortazo]

What happens when you have to go pee in the car?

[Daniel Tosh]

Me?

[Chris Cortazo]

Do you bring a cup?

[Daniel Tosh]

No. What? Bring a cup. I can pee. I can just go outside of my car.

[Chris Cortazo]

I have a question for you. Can I ask you a few questions?

[Daniel Tosh]

Yeah, ask me anything. Chris.

[Chris Cortazo]

Where would you live besides Malibu?

[Daniel Tosh]

I think I have to go, I don't know, south of France. On the coast, Atlantic coast.

[Chris Cortazo]

Right.

[Daniel Tosh]

Maybe. I have to be able to surf. My whole fucking life has been ruined by surfing. I could live in Mexico.

[Chris Cortazo]

Could you?

[Daniel Tosh]

Probably. I could. Not with my wife. That's. I don't know. I love the mountains too. Yeah, I live in Tahoe a lot.

[Chris Cortazo]

You have a home up there too.

[Daniel Tosh]

What's your favorite holiday?

[Chris Cortazo]

Christmas.

[Daniel Tosh]

That's why I live in Tahoe, because I feel like I'm in a Hallmark Christmas movie.

[Chris Cortazo]

Isn't it the greatest?

[Daniel Tosh]

But I have to be in cold because I grew up in Florida. So if I'm not near snow, I feel like this isn't real Christmas.

[Chris Cortazo]

Where are you going to be for Thanksgiving?

[Daniel Tosh]

Hawaii. Maui. I have to work. Oh, you do great shows. Tickets still available. When's the next housing crash coming? It's coming, right?

[Chris Cortazo]

You know what though? I think people, I think Malibu is Such a good investment. Because town. There's a lot more crime in town. I just feel that Malibu. I don't know if we're gonna have a crash. It slowed down for sure. I think everyone's apprehensive.

[Daniel Tosh]

You think it's completely bulletproof. Wildfires.

[Chris Cortazo]

No, I mean, an earthquake could be monumental. A bad one. Where were you at the earthquake?

[Daniel Tosh]

Living room. My living room. Started. Watch it. Feeling it just recently. I was like, oh, here we go. I know.

[Chris Cortazo]

My son grabbed the kid was in my arm. And I was like. He goes, papa. And I go, oh, we're dancing. And he goes, not funny, Papa.

[Daniel Tosh]

Oh, he got scared, terrified. Oh, my kid didn't get scared.

[Chris Cortazo]

Really? No, he did not like it. But then, you know, you get all those alerts on the phone during.

[Daniel Tosh]

I got the alert during the shaking. I'm like, this is useless.

[Chris Cortazo]

It was planned for sure.

[Daniel Tosh]

Oh, no, no. Oh, you're a big conspiracy nut, aren't you?

[Chris Cortazo]

I love conspiracy theories.

[Daniel Tosh]

Love.

[Chris Cortazo]

I go down every rabbit hole.

[Daniel Tosh]

How you handling the knucklehead? Cheryl Hines husband.

[Chris Cortazo]

I love Bobby Kennedy.

[Daniel Tosh]

Endorsing Trump.

[Chris Cortazo]

I love Bobby Kennedy.

[Daniel Tosh]

Yeah. Endorsing Trump.

[Chris Cortazo]

I think he's amazing.

[Daniel Tosh]

Oh, you're nuts.

[Chris Cortazo]

I sold him three homes.

[Daniel Tosh]

I'm sure you do. It doesn't matter if you sold him a home.

[Chris Cortazo]

It doesn't matter. I like him. I think he's a great guy.

[Daniel Tosh]

I think he's nice, too, but I know that he's a knucklehead. There's two things.

[Chris Cortazo]

Where'd you get knucklehead from?

[Daniel Tosh]

I don't know. It's just a nice way of saying a fucking lunatic you used to have. And I don't know if you still do, but I used to take pride that I did, in fact, get a few invites. The most popular Halloween parties. Was it debauchery? Was it sex? I always assumed it was sex.

[Chris Cortazo]

No.

[Daniel Tosh]

Was it sexy?

[Chris Cortazo]

Sexy? I had the Go Go dancers from the Abbey. The guy, the hottest guys, the hottest girls.

[Daniel Tosh]

But it was hard to get into this party. I mean, you had to be invited, for sure.

[Chris Cortazo]

You had to be invited. However, at the end, it was like 550 people. It was. I have to say, it was the party in Malibu. But I just. I got too concerned with liability. Even though we had limos taking people back in Malibu, we did everything we could. I just didn't want the responsibility.

[Daniel Tosh]

So you stopped.

[Chris Cortazo]

Yeah.

[Daniel Tosh]

How long ago did you stop?

[Chris Cortazo]

A couple years ago. They were brilliant.

[Daniel Tosh]

I knew they were. I used to. I used to even Say like. And you're like, oh, I'll make sure you have your email. I'll make sure you're invited. I was like, good. But I wouldn't go. But I just like to.

[Chris Cortazo]

Why don't you want to go?

[Daniel Tosh]

I don't do things I never do.

[Chris Cortazo]

Are you shy?

[Daniel Tosh]

What's the shy. Yeah, yeah, I'm shy.

[Chris Cortazo]

No, you're not. In social situations. Are you sure?

[Daniel Tosh]

Yeah, I don't like to go out. The only thing that's broken me out of my shell is having stupid kids. It's like now I'm forced to hang out with all my wife's friends, husbands, and I have to act like, oh, yeah, all right, this is a good time.

[Chris Cortazo]

How old are your kids now?

[Daniel Tosh]

Five and one and a half. What are you, five?

[Chris Cortazo]

Three and five.

[Daniel Tosh]

Three and five.

[Chris Cortazo]

Oh my God. Are we going to be forced to hang out with each other?

[Daniel Tosh]

Probably. I mean, I see you at the farm.

[Chris Cortazo]

Yeah, I know.

[Daniel Tosh]

Those are the things that I do.

[Chris Cortazo]

That's what my life has been reduced to.

[Daniel Tosh]

Jesus, the farm.

[Chris Cortazo]

No, you.

[Daniel Tosh]

By the way, are you happy with your current situation of you have two children and you're not co parenting with anyone?

[Chris Cortazo]

No, I might have my own journey.

[Daniel Tosh]

Which I love, if I could somehow void out. The problem is my wife is so much smarter than me. So I love that the kids are getting that perspective.

[Chris Cortazo]

Who's more strict?

[Daniel Tosh]

Me.

[Chris Cortazo]

I know, I'm pretty strict.

[Daniel Tosh]

What's your help situation? Because I've counted at least three nannies in your world. Is there more?

[Chris Cortazo]

Don't have revolving. No, I'm not. I don't lie. I don't lie. We have revolving on the weekends. I have two now help. Because all of a sudden I could get called in the work and I'm running.

[Daniel Tosh]

I understand the complexity of not wanting to be with your kids.

[Chris Cortazo]

I actually really want to be with him the whole time.

[Daniel Tosh]

That's good. All right, but anyway, so the numbers between two.

[Chris Cortazo]

Between two and two. But I get them, my children, they sleep in my bed every night.

[Daniel Tosh]

Well, that's not good. You got to get them out of your. They have to have their own room.

[Chris Cortazo]

No. Totally different parenting. No. So they're in bed. So I have them from 8 to 8 every night right in my arms.

[Daniel Tosh]

Sandwiched 8 to 8. But what about the other. What about the other 12 hours? You see them then?

[Chris Cortazo]

Oh yeah. You know, they come home and I'm doing drop offs or pickup from school.

[Daniel Tosh]

Your kids go to probably some fancy, fancy private school now. My kids, ah, public Oh, I love it.

[Chris Cortazo]

No, they're in preschool. So. They're in preschool, but they will go to a public school.

[Daniel Tosh]

Oh, they will.

[Chris Cortazo]

Oh, God, yeah.

[Daniel Tosh]

Good for you. Yeah, I didn't see that coming.

[Chris Cortazo]

Chris, are you kidding me? I'm homegrown Malibu.

[Daniel Tosh]

Oh, fuck off. Seriously, I mean, I would love right now for you to be straight up honest and tell me the exact number that you're worth, because I bet it's fucking huge. God damn it, it's huge.

[Chris Cortazo]

But you know what's so weird? I don't. It's. I just didn't come from money, so I don't feel like I ever have it. Like, it's bizarre.

[Daniel Tosh]

And you'll buy real estate, but you don't. You're kind of frugal when it comes to just, like, other random.

[Chris Cortazo]

You know what I want? I tell my business manager, can I please have a hot and cold plunge bowl outside my Bali house? He's like, is not in the budget right now.

[Daniel Tosh]

Like, oh, what kind of business manager do you have?

[Chris Cortazo]

A smart one. Because we have so many properties, there's a lot of expenses, but I still value money. And I can't believe I could buy an ice salt latte every day from Cafe La Plage, which is like $10 with the tip.

[Daniel Tosh]

You tip. You always hit tip on the. On the iPad screen.

[Chris Cortazo]

Always.

[Daniel Tosh]

No matter what you've purchased. They hand you a muffin and you just. You give them an extra buck 50.

[Chris Cortazo]

I call it and I say, always add 20%.

[Daniel Tosh]

I do, too. I call it in, too, and say, add the tip. Yeah, I tip everywhere.

[Chris Cortazo]

I do, too.

[Daniel Tosh]

I can't. That's the one thing I do. You tip at housekeeping and hotels.

[Chris Cortazo]

Oh, yeah. And I write a note.

[Daniel Tosh]

You write a note?

[Chris Cortazo]

Yes.

[Daniel Tosh]

Oh, you one up me so bad.

[Chris Cortazo]

No. You have to say, I so appreciate how beautiful the room is and have a blessed day.

[Daniel Tosh]

I don't do the blessed day. Okay. Hey, Chris.

[Chris Cortazo]

Yes?

[Daniel Tosh]

You get an AirPod coming out of your pocket. You got an AirPod coming out of your pocket. There he goes. It's not even. It's cord. You know why it's a cord? Cause he's fucking a conspiracy nut.

[Chris Cortazo]

Of course.

[Daniel Tosh]

That believes the Bluetooth is doing radiation to his brain.

[Chris Cortazo]

Are you kidding me? I wouldn't touch that for nothing.

[Daniel Tosh]

Oh, man, I love that you're as crazy as you are.

[Chris Cortazo]

Oh, I'm a nutter.

[Daniel Tosh]

Everybody that's been on this show, and I know you're a huge fan. Cause you watched one episode as you Were huge fan previewing a house today. I give them a gift. Just something from my house. It's. It's just literally my way of getting rid of stuff. And to give you stuff is the best because I know you won't take it, but I'm still going to give it to you. So this I didn't want anymore. It's for your kids. It's a city. It's a rug that goes in your kids room. And then I think this is great.

[Chris Cortazo]

They can put in the playroom.

[Daniel Tosh]

Yeah. They can learn about which areas they should live in. And you can like defund the police in certain. I don't know, whatever what they want to do. But I get rid of this. This is out of my house now. I'm so sick of it. So that's going to be for your kids there.

[Chris Cortazo]

That is really cool.

[Daniel Tosh]

This is all my beach keys that I. That I kept over the years.

[Chris Cortazo]

That is actually spectacular. So now we have the fobs.

[Daniel Tosh]

I know, but the old days you had the beach keys to get down to the beach. Now I want people to know it's in Malibu. There's certain areas where beaches. The beaches are not private, but maybe, maybe the easement to get down to the beach is private and it's harder to get to. Yes. Especially at high tides. Possibly impossible. Now. What value did beach keys give to houses?

[Chris Cortazo]

I would say today, million and a half to $2 million per key.

[Daniel Tosh]

Look at that, huh?

[Chris Cortazo]

We might just be able to retire.

[Daniel Tosh]

Get this off my desk here. I'll push this down over there. Yeah, that's fine. Just shove it off. It'll be fine. Okay, but that. That needs to go too. Well, don't shove it off. You set that down. It's your gift.

[Chris Cortazo]

Yes.

[Daniel Tosh]

You're gonna. I'm gonna carry that home for you. All right. I want to talk about reality television because I. I do love watching it. I saw you occasionally pop up on Million Dollar Listing. I. I'm guessing that those people have approached you in the past. Is it bullshit? Are they producing the numbers they're saying they're producing, or is it just eye candy? The shows.

[Chris Cortazo]

I think the shows are really entertaining, although I never watch them. I don't even watch myself when I do these things.

[Daniel Tosh]

You're telling me that you've never watched Selling Sunset? Oh, you gotta watch it.

[Chris Cortazo]

Really.

[Daniel Tosh]

It's just absurd.

[Chris Cortazo]

First of all, I've never watched it.

[Daniel Tosh]

Selling Sunset is barely about real estate. It's just about these outfits, these wardrobes that they wear that's just so ridiculous, and it's just drama. So you don't want to do a reality show about Chris Cortazo?

[Chris Cortazo]

I don't have time.

[Daniel Tosh]

I know, but what if. What if they said we would work around your schedule?

[Chris Cortazo]

You can't. You have to do it, like, three days a week.

[Daniel Tosh]

Fine. What if they said we'll do it two days a week? You think Kim Kardashian doesn't control.

[Chris Cortazo]

Maybe one day. Maybe one day, but I'd rather make the money.

[Daniel Tosh]

What's the. What's the hardest part for you?

[Chris Cortazo]

I love being of Papa, and I love, like, I want to spend, like, 24 hours a day with him.

[Daniel Tosh]

Well, then, I mean, excuse me for being blunt. Then fucking do it.

[Chris Cortazo]

I'm trying. I'm trying to sell some of my holdings.

[Daniel Tosh]

You don't.

[Chris Cortazo]

I'm making the moves.

[Daniel Tosh]

Are you prepared to stop being the version of yourself that you are? You are.

[Chris Cortazo]

Yeah.

[Daniel Tosh]

Are you. Are you. Are you comfortable completely walking away from it 100%. Oh, good for you.

[Chris Cortazo]

Yeah.

[Daniel Tosh]

People say that about me. Like, I. Oh, you couldn't stop doing comedy. I'm like, oh, yes, I could.

[Chris Cortazo]

I could.

[Daniel Tosh]

I could stop everything.

[Chris Cortazo]

You know, we've done it. Look at your career.

[Daniel Tosh]

Oh, look at it.

[Chris Cortazo]

It's amazing. Seriously.

[Daniel Tosh]

From Florida trash to Malibu. All right, Chris, turn on your phone, tell me how many calls you've missed, and thank you very much for being here.

[Chris Cortazo]

Thank you.

[Daniel Tosh]

Okay. Best friends forever.

[Chris Cortazo]

Yes.

[Daniel Tosh]

All right, let's see. Let's see this. I want to see this number. Oh, look at this. Here's a perfect thing. Chris comes over here with two phones. That's how you. Oh, my God. How many cards you have in the back of that thing? Jesus, I just saw 51. 61 texts. Hold on. Is it going up?

[Chris Cortazo]

64.

[Daniel Tosh]

64. Wow. Holy shit, Chris.

[Chris Cortazo]

It's. It's a shocker.

[Daniel Tosh]

That's fucking text 96 on that one. 96.

[Chris Cortazo]

This is my life now, you know? My life of Chris Cortana.

[Daniel Tosh]

No. I knew it. I knew it.

[Chris Cortazo]

Before shocking.

[Daniel Tosh]

Whatever. I picked comedy. You picked fucking selling billionaires fucking crazy, homes. This is your problem.

[Unknown]

The flavor, the tradition, and the spirit of carne asada lives on at Del Taco. Join the asada today with Del Taco's new limited time half pound chipotle carne asada steak burrito. Packed with sweet, spicy and smoky flavor. Wrapped up and grilled to perfection, the whole carne asada steak menu delivers the bold flavors you crave with epic burritos, loaded fries, and street Tacos starting as just $2.99 only at Del Taco.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Hey, it's Ryan Seacrest for Albertsons and Safeway. This holiday season unwraps sweet savings on all your favorite holiday Candy. Now through December 31st. Shop in store and online and save on holiday candy like Ferrero Rocher, Russell Stover Gift Box Bra, Soft Jellies, Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, Hershey Candy Cane kisses, M&M's, and Hershey Milk Chocolate Kisses. Get these holiday favorites before they're gone. Offer ends December 31st. Restrictions apply. Promotions may vary. Visit albertsons or safeway.com for more details.

[Unknown]

Can Botox Onobotulinum Toxin a help if I have chronic migraine 15 or more headache days a month, each lasting 4 hours or more? Botox prevents headaches in adults with chronic migraine. Botox is not approved for adults with migraine who have 14 or fewer headache days a month. It's the number one prescribed brain branded chronic migraine treatment.

Botox is a prescription medicine injected by your doctor. Effects of Botox may spread hours to weeks after injection, causing serious symptoms. Alert your doctor right away as difficulty swallowing, speaking, breathing, eye problems or muscle weakness can be signs of a life threatening condition. Patients with these conditions before injection are at highest risk. Side effects may include allergic reactions, neck and injection site pain, fatigue and headache. Allergic reactions can include rash, welts, asthma symptoms and dizziness. Don't receive Botox if there's a skin infection. Tell your doctor your medical history, muscle or nerve conditions including als, Lou Gehrig's disease, Myasthenia gravis or Lambert Eaton syndrome, and medications including botulinum toxins as these may increase the risk of serious side effects.

Talk to your doctor and visit botoxchronicmigraine.com or call 1-844botox to learn more.

[Daniel Tosh]

Paw Show I want to thank Chris for being on the show. Ah, I mean, talk about a rags to riches story. Although the rags weren't like complete rags, it was still, you know, Malibu life. But I mean, good grief. I know it's infuriating for some people to listen to it, but I just love them. I mean, just so excited. I just love, I just love how he was like, oh, what am I gonna do with my life? Oh, maybe I'll become a real estate agent. Oh, maybe I'll become the best real estate agent in the world. That's fascinating. How in the world does that happen? Pretty good, huh? People talk about the American dream being dead. I say nay, nay, not dead. Alive and well, yeah, sure. Chris is a conspiracy nut, but, you know, put that aside. You guys just delightful to be around. Eddie, you still hyped up back there? Not really, no. You know what you need? A toss show T shirt. Huh? No. See, that's the thing. Throwing a T shirt to somebody, that used to get people so excited, but, you know, it's been a while. The T shirt cannon, how long's that been out? 20 years. They need to up their game, you know. You want me to scream, a T shirt's not going to do it. You throw a shack at my way and I'll fucking stand and cheer the entire fourth quarter. That's a fact. By the way, head on over now to toss show store.com and get yourself some fresh new merch. Every purchase comes with a couple tickles. That's a pretty good deal. You know what else I want to plug. This is exciting. Did you guys see Tony who fixed my Subaru 360 sandbar little minivan thing? He did an episode on it. It's available. You go check it out on his YouTube channel. It's called Stay tuned. I think it came out a few weeks ago, but I watched it because it was about my van and they all made fun of my van. I knew they would. They were curious how I get into that thing. It's tricky. It's not easy, but I can get in. You slouch a little bit, you can only, you know, you don't have to sit up straight. You slouch like this, you lean over, you do your driving. I'm not. I'm not doing road trips. I'm just going around the neighborhood and honking at people. Ah. Anyway, what other plugs we got? Boyswearpink.com Check that out. Eddiegosling.com Check out his tour dates. Danieltosh.com Check out my tour dates. Come see Carl and I, we're gonna be in New Orleans, we're gonna be in Hawaii, we're gonna be in Reno, we're gonna be in Washington. Gonna do a whole big tour next year, buddy. You ready for that? Gas up the bus. Now it's time for free plug. Hit the music. Thinking about you made me. You hear that kind of music, you gotta flash your tits. All right, the free plug today. If you own a sword made out of a pool noodle, enter in Georgetown, Texas, November 2nd and 3rd. Head down to Reunion Ranch located at 850 Country Road 255 for LARP Fest the amassing whether a valiant hero or a powerful villain, participants will Immerse themselves in a post apocalyptic scenario as they act out the roles of their chosen characters. I'm surprised that the tickets. I'm surprised there's tickets, period, to be honest with you. But you can. You don't have to dress up, I guess you can just go to watch. There's Spectator passes for 24, 50. Tickets can go all the way up to 300. If you want to be a main character, what the fuck you get? All right, so you just get. You can just pay to be the star of the festival.

[Chris Cortazo]

That's what it sounds like.

[Daniel Tosh]

I love it. All right. I'm not shitting on it. I'm sorry. $300 for anyone who wants to be a main character or attend the VIP pre party. You know, those nerds get there early, too. If this seems like something you'd want to do with your weekend and fuck it, I have no idea why. Head over to larpfest.net yeah, yeah. Shame on you, guy who is squatting on larpfest.com I got a gold mined here. I'll never give it up. Head ON over to larpfest.net for more information. What? What more information you need. You dress up, you head on down to Georgetown, Texas, and you have the best weekend of your life. Is November 2nd and 3rd a weekend?

[Chris Cortazo]

Yes, it is.

[Daniel Tosh]

Oh, good. Good for them. No, that'd be fun. That's good, clean fun. I almost sent my son to a private school, and when they were giving us the tour of this private school, they're like, you know, we do larping on Thursday. And I was like, oh, yeah, I'm just going to send him to public school. It's way better than this fucking nonsense. See you next week.

[Unknown]

The flavor, the tradition and the spirit of carne asada lives on at del taco. Join the asada today with del taco's new limited time half pound chipotle carne asada steak burrito. Packed with sweet, spicy and smoky flavor. Wrapped up and grilled to perfection, the whole carne asada steak menu delivers the bold flavors you crave with epic burritos, loaded fries and street tacos. Starting at just $2.99 only at Del Taco.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Hey, it's Ryan seacrest for Albertsons and safeway. This holiday season, make sure you set aside time for self care now through December 31st. Shop in store and online for particip self care products and get four times points to use for discounts on future grocery and gas purchases. Stock up on self care favorites like pantene Shampoo, Gillette Fusion and Proglide razors, Tampax Tampons, Aussie Base, Hairspray and Pampers Swaddlers diapers offer ends December 31st. Restrictions apply. Promotions may vary. Visit albertsons or safeway.com for more details.

[Unknown]

This holiday season, surprise everyone on your list with the best gifts tickets to see their favorite artists live. Choose from thousands of concerts and comedy shows, including Mariah Carey, Mary J. Blige, Matt Matthews, Metallica, Thomas Rhett, Trans Siberian Orchestra, Sarah Silverman and so many more. Share a memory together or give a gift they'll never forget. Find the most exciting gift for every [e-mail] gifts that's livenation.com gifts.