Loading summary
Daniel Tosh
This episode of Tosh show is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Do you ever find yourself playing the budgeting game? Well, with the name your price tool from Progressive, you can find options that fit your budget and potentially lower your bills. Try it@progressive.com Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates Price and coverage match limited by state law, not available in all states.
Progressive Insurance Announcer
Do you want to find a stress free way to buy your next car? Start at CarMax and shop your way. If you want to browse with confidence, get pre qualified online with no impact on your credit score and shop cars within your budget. From luxury cars to family rides, Carmax has options for almost every price range, including more than 25,000 cars priced under $25,000. So, hey, want to get started? Just head to CarMax.com for details.
Eddie
Details.
Progressive Insurance Announcer
And get pre qualified today. Want to drive CarMax?
Daniel Tosh
Well, that's time for my lock of the week. And you know that I do not throw out locks of the week unless I'm guaranteeing that it's a lock. Posh show. Tosh show. Pro show. Welcome to Tosh show. Guess what time it is, Eddie.
Eddie
Super bowl time. Eddie, what time is it?
Daniel Tosh
Big game.
Eddie
It's a big game.
Daniel Tosh
Yeah. You can't call it the Super Bowl.
Eddie
What do we call it?
Daniel Tosh
You got to call it. That's right, the big game. Super bowl. Super bowl is trademarked by the Super Bowls.
Eddie
We can't say it.
Daniel Tosh
Who can say the Super Bowl? Super Bowl. Only the super bowl can call it the Super Bowl. Everybody else got to call it the big game.
Eddie
The big game.
Daniel Tosh
Big game.
Eddie
The big game. Time then.
Daniel Tosh
Listen, thank you guys for tuning in. This is going to be a special episode. You're going to get a lot of fun, fun hot takes. And some of you might not be interested in football. Well, this wouldn't be the one for you then. Okay, hit mute and just start jerking. Yeah, okay. You know, when I brought my father in law to San Francisco, did I already rant about this? He wouldn't stop. Just referring it as Frisco. Did I say this on the air? No, he just. It was so embarrassing. He's like, you know, I've always wanted to come to Frisco. I'm like, okay, don't do that. And he just kept doing it. He wasn't trying to be funny. He just kept going, ah, you know what? Frisco a lot cleaner than I thought it was gonna be. Frisco just kept doing it. Oh, my goodness. Hey, I saw one of those driverless cars here in Frisco.
Eddie
He's like, stop.
Daniel Tosh
I go, don't call it that. He's the guy that, like, when you go to a Mexican restaurant and the server comes up, he goes, hola. I'm like, oh, shit, I'm gonna be in Vegas the night before the Super Bowl. And I'm always there the night before because that's when I place my bets. I like to gamble in the Super Bowl. I like gambling. I gave you guys a bet to make right now. Okay. Yep. You guys kind of know my life. Let's see. Let's see where you would. Where you would bet on this, do you think? Let me set it up this way. I don't think I'm the best father in the world. Am I the best father in my kids? You know, friend group? Yes. I destroy the other dads locally here. I destroy them. You know, I'm not being cocky. I just know the amount of time I'm putting in and they can't compete against that. I know who my kids call in the middle of the night when they get scared, who they want to come when they get hurt. That's me, right? Okay. That's not the case in a lot of households. Anyway. My son the other day is like making me. He's like, dad, I need to whisper something to you. I'm like, what? He's like, my. My penis is starting to burn on the. He's like freaking out about his penis. What happens was because he's uncircumcised, I talk about this. That's fine. When he rides his bike a lot, it chafes a little bit and so then it burns afterwards. So I have to get some Vaseline for him. I need to get him tighter underwear, I think for when he rides bikes. The real thing is I need to teach him how to get out of the saddle and ride a bike. But little kids are so bad at standing up while they ride. As soon as they stand up, it's just. It's like they're relearning how to ride a bike. Okay, that's nothing. The point is, I'm a good dad, you know? What's his name? Lachlan. My buddy comedian. He'll always text me and stuff like, oh, number one dad, that's not the goal. The goal was just to make the playoffs anyway. And I'm not the number one dad. I know that. But I am good. I'm involved in my kids lives and you can't help but reflect back on your childhood, how different it was. And I think My dad was. Great's a strong word, but you get it now. My dad was great. But, like, I text my kids, teachers, you know, my kids, the principal, my daughter's school. Like, I have an amazing rapport with her. I know what's going on. I volunteer constantly to help. Okay, again, I'm patting myself on the back way too much. All to get to this bet. Do you think my father and I don't know the answer to this? Do you think my father could name one teacher I've ever had in my entire life?
Eddie
Hmm. No. No.
Daniel Tosh
You think he couldn't?
Eddie
I don't think he could.
Daniel Tosh
I don't think he can either. I was. If one of you thinks, oh, he definitely could. I was gonna give you $100. And. And we'll call him and we'll see if he can. But I don't think he can. Not a single teacher I've ever had in my entire life. I don't think my father could pull in it. He's certain. And to double it, to say, like, what did they teach that might be, you know.
Eddie
Right.
Daniel Tosh
I'll take that action. I'm gonna switch my answer. Yes, he can definitely do that. You think my dad can name one teacher? Yes. Are you doing that just for the show? No. No, no, no. Or you actually didn't tell me about the hundred dollars, and it's like, yeah, I think I'll take that now. You owe me a thousand, though. If he can. Yes.
Eddie
Got to be a consequence.
Daniel Tosh
No, let's just. Let's just see. All right. Forget the money aspect. No, that's not. We said it, so. All right, we said it. Let's see what happens.
Eddie
This is in Vegas.
Daniel Tosh
Let's see if he answers this. Hello. Hello, Father. Hey, quick trivia question that you're going to be a part of here. I just need you to answer this question. Can you name one schoolteacher I've ever had in my life? Mr. Box. Wait, wait. Who is. I have no idea who you're talking about. Who is Mr. Box? Was it Fox or Fox? No, there's no. I never had a teacher, Mr. Box, in my life. Yes, she did. At. At the lutheran school in St. Louis. No, I didn't. I didn't have. I was only at the Lutheran School Our Savior Lutheran for kindergarten and first grade, and they were both women. Well, maybe I'm wrong. I bet you your daughters had that teacher. Which is still surprising to me that you pulled a name from so early on you can't remember anybody from my high school. No. What about the one that cornered you in the car when you dropped me off because he wanted to tell you how bad I was? You remember him? Mr. Heil? Is that who it was? Yeah, that was. I remember that. I remember. I remember seeing him beeline to the car and I just started running. I started running to class. All right, all right. You're wrong on box. That's Missy or Mindy, but not me. All right, that's what I wanted. Thank you. You're welcome, boy. All right. You owe me a thousand dollars.
Eddie
Thousand dollars. John.
Daniel Tosh
It's funny though. He pulled a name from. No, he pulled a name from the one private Christian school that we went to. After that was all public schools. But he probably. He probably was a little involved.
Eddie
More involvement there.
Daniel Tosh
Or at least respected those teachers a little more. Huh? But I did not have that teacher. I had. Mrs. Bromer was my kindergarten teacher. And like, I think it was Mrs. Brown for first grade. Yeah. Look at my memory. Still holding up. Beth. I remember you too, Natalie. First grade. Whoa. Hubba hubba. We kissed. Those little cement rings, those. You know, our construction site. They were part of the playground.
Eddie
Uh huh.
Daniel Tosh
Yeah. I sat in there with Natalie sometimes during recess. Just talked.
Eddie
What did you guys talk about?
Daniel Tosh
I don't remember.
Eddie
Life?
Daniel Tosh
Nah. About going to the. About going to the mall. Someday. Together.
Eddie
Someday we're gonna go to a mall together. What's a job?
Daniel Tosh
All right, we'll be right back. You know why I love quince? Quince brings together premium materials, thoughtful design, and enduring quality so you stay warm, look sharp, and feel your best all season long. Dylan, what did you buy with your gift card for quints?
Dylan
I bought some shirts that actually fit me.
Daniel Tosh
Oh. But Dylan's famous for wearing shirts that kind of float up if his arms ever have to go above his waist. It's not just clothing. They have great items for home, bath, kitchen and travel. Quince has everything you need. Men's Mongolian cashmere sweaters, wool coats, leather and suede outerwear that actually hold up to daily wear and still look good. Their outerwear is especially impressive. Thick down jackets, wool coats, Italian leather outerwear that keep you warm when it's actually cold. Refresh your winter wardrobe with quince. Go to quince.comtosh for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. Now available in Canada too. That's Q U I n c e.com Tosh Free shipping and three 65 day returns. Quince.com Tosh this message is sponsored by Raycon with the super bowl and Winter Olympics this month. There's no better time to get inspired, push harder and upgrade your workout routine. When you're training consistently, the right gear makes all the difference. So let Raycon Everyday Earbuds Classic change how you work out. Right now is the perfect time to grab them because they're 15% off. I'll be honest, I don't use mine when I work out because, wait for it, I refuse to work out. But you know, when I do like using my earbuds right before I go on stage to perform, I like to listen to music, get myself into the zone. Raycon delivers the same premium audio quality as the big brands, but at half the price. How do they do that? That's just amazing. The Everyday Earbuds Classic are here to help you go for gold. Go to buyraycon.com tosh to get 15% off. Thanks Raycon for sponsoring Tosho. This episode is brought to you by Prizepix. The big game is almost here and there's no better way to cash in during America's biggest sporting event than prizepix. Co close the season outright with prize picks by getting $50 instantly in lineups. When you play your first $5, get ready to put a little scratch in your pockets. Drake May rushing yards, Will he get more or less than 36.5? I'm going to say less. If you choose more, then may God have mercy on your soul. For Sam Darnold rushing yards, Will he get more or less than 5.5? Well, yeah, you gotta take more. Keep an eye out for some of Prize Picks new features like their new social feed where you can share your lineup with friends or early payouts where you can cash out winnings before the game even finishes. You know, I'm always tempted by a cash out offering. Download the Prize Picks app today and use Code tosh to get $50 in lineups after you play your first $5 lineup. So that's code tosh to get $50 in lineups AFTER you play your first $5 lineup lineup. Prize picks it's good to be right. No matter what your team is. I think anyone in the NFL would agree that the NFC Championship Game was amazing and the AFC Championship Game was unwatchable.
Eddie
Awful.
Daniel Tosh
I mean, come on Broncos. I feel for you, but you know, you had a week. You don't think Colin Kaepernick was ready to go. Guys been training for 10 years for the call. You know, they should have done the Broncos should have resurrected Tim Tebow.
Eddie
There you go.
Daniel Tosh
Brought him back. You don't think he could have jumped past a fourth and one.
Eddie
He still got it.
Daniel Tosh
God damn it. Sorry for that Tebow. You know he could do it. Oh, my. You imagine if they would have brought Tim Tebow back? That place would have lost their mind.
Eddie
Yes.
Daniel Tosh
If they would have brought back Kaepernick. Oh, my goodness. Can you imagine how the MAGA folks there would have reacted? Unless he won. Then they'd be like, whoa. Okay, yeah. All right, let's get into it. Let's talk all of them. I'm repping. Buffalo Bills once again came up short. Now the rest of the team can go on paternity leave. Bill's mafia. They're going to have a fun off season, helping implode the old stadium by diving into it. I feel for Sean McDermott. You know, all he did was kind of win.
Eddie
Yeah, kind of win.
Daniel Tosh
I just hope whoever hires him is an indoor stadium because I'm tired of seeing him dressing like a beekeeper on the sideline.
Eddie
He had cancer.
Daniel Tosh
No, I. I know he had cancer. I'm not. I'm not making fun of cancer. I'm just saying he looked like he was a beekeeper and good riddance. Get out of Buffalo. Enjoy it. Don't act like Buffalo's fun. Even the cheerleaders, they have to show up six hours early before their shift with a snow shovel. You say salt of the earth. Those women up in Buffalo. I say bottom of the barrel, huh? Buy tickets to my show. Who's up next? Who do we go? Aaron Rodgers. Oh, man. I bet Aaron Rodgers is petty enough to actually stay at the Steelers so that he can get Mike McCarthy fired a second time.
Eddie
Pretty cool commitment.
Daniel Tosh
Yeah. The players in the Steelers have a better chance of catching measles than they do a touchdown pass from Aaron Rodgers. There, I said it. Hot take, hot take. Do the league a favor, Aaron. Grab a book, head to your yurt and enjoy the silence. Congratulations to Trevor Lawrence and C.J. stroud for representing the AFC south on the All Pro all forehead team.
Eddie
A lot of real estate.
Daniel Tosh
That's the funniest joke right there. That's so dumb. But yeah. Good God, there's a lot of head there. Carolina in a three way divisional tie. They. Did you say win? They won the NFC South.
Eddie
Kind of.
Daniel Tosh
With a losing record. V8. 9. You shouldn't be allowed to play in the playoffs if you have a losing record, let alone host a game. That's absurd. You should be allowed to work concessions. You can take Terry Bradshaw to the bathroom, but you don't get to host a playoff game. By the way, speaking of Carolina Cam, can we all agree that the hats are dumb bad? The guy looks like he's walking around the birthday cake on his head. That's not a good look. I don't care what he said. Oh, I don't get it. Oh, it's fashion. It's a bit much like a lady's.
Eddie
Going to pop out.
Daniel Tosh
Hey, FBI, While you're investigating Jim Irsay's death, why don't you look into the Colts trying to have Philip Rivers murdered under center at 44, hadn't played in five years. Look at his body. It's clear to anyone watching the game that he was pregnant with his 11th child and good for him. So progressive to carry the last few. Are they adopted? Is his wife? Did his wife give birth to 10 humans?
Eddie
I think that's how I understand it.
Daniel Tosh
What? Oh, there's not a husband stitch in the world that could fix that problem.
Eddie
Zipper.
Daniel Tosh
The Vikings moved on from Sam Darnold and the playoffs. Ah, look how that worked out for you. Unfortunately, the fan base is too busy fighting Nazis in the streets of Minneapolis right now to give a shit about football. That was great timing, Deploying a battalion of dipshits for the locals to take their frustrations out on. Skull. Skull.
Eddie
Skull.
Daniel Tosh
Skull. Skull. I would love to see a bunch of those. Those fans that really dress up like the Vikings, just on the street right now, just swinging like medieval things at ice agents. Detroit, they missed the playoffs after being a favorite to make the Super Bowl. Maybe Dan Campbell should take a break from the up downs and do what other successful coaches do.
Eddie
What's that?
Daniel Tosh
Two things, Ed. Get fat and punt the ball. That's the formula. Ten teams fired their head coach this year and not one of them with the Bengals. Okay. Four of Zach Taylor's seasons were with a healthy Joe Burrow. How is this guy not fired? I don't know. I'll tell you. Mike Brown, the owner, is the poorest, cheapest son of a bitch in the league. He just won't do it. He's not going to fire somebody and give them money. Pay you not to coach? That's absurd. If the Bengals became a woman's field hockey team overnight, guess what. Zach's their coach for two more years.
Eddie
You got to do whatever you got to do.
Daniel Tosh
That's what he asked. That's what his contract is for. So many coaching jobs available, I'm shocked the hall of Fame homophobe Jon Gruden didn't get a call somewhere you know what? You know what team could use him?
Eddie
Who?
Daniel Tosh
The Raiders.
Eddie
Oh, get him back.
Daniel Tosh
Sure. Was that the team? Let him go.
Eddie
Yep.
Daniel Tosh
Speaking of coaching job, nobody will accept the head coaching job of the Cleveland Browns. This may be the first time in the history of the NFL that they will have to hire a sheriff to serve a summons. Are you Sean McDermott? Yes, I am. Here. You've been served. You are now the head coach of the Cleveland Browns. Report for OTAs. And then Sean freaks out. No, not Cleveland. He just grabs the sheriff's gun. Fucking sticks in his mouth.
Eddie
Ah.
Daniel Tosh
They're like, just give it a shot. I can't do it. Yeah, talk him down. You can do it. Okay. You do it for a few seasons like Belichick did, and you move on. You become a legend. And then you. Then you stop and go to college. You eat some ass. Guys, I'm very excited. Dolphin fans. Finally, Jeff Halfley. Ah, the Jeff Halfley era in Miami begins. Who's excited?
Mike
Hmm.
Daniel Tosh
Don't worry. I haven't heard of him either. Nothing like a losing record in college in a few short stints as defensive coordinator to really rile up the fan base. You excited about the halftime show?
Eddie
Super excited.
Daniel Tosh
Yeah. What's your favorite Bad Bunny song?
Eddie
I don't know any Bad Bunny songs. He's funny on Saturday Night Live, though.
Daniel Tosh
Oh, I'm excited about Bad Bunny. I'll tell you why. Because it upsets some people. Every year. Somebody gets upset. Oh, my goodness. Can you believe they put so. And, like, who cares? The people that get upset aren't the people that matter anyway. These are the people that are gonna watch the game regardless. It doesn't matter who the halftime is. The halftime show is for people that aren't gonna watch the game. Being interested in watching the game, right? If you're mad about Bad Bunny being the halftime show, then don't watch the game, okay? Go put another trump sign in your shitty yard. Bad Bunny's been the most streamed artist for four different years, and that election wasn't rigged. Do I like Bad Bunny? No, of course not. But guess what? I watch the game, right? The halftime show isn't for me. You know what I do during the halftime show? Start cleaning up, making it uncomfortable for all the guests that are at my house to start wrapping things up.
Eddie
Be the worst super bowl party ever.
Daniel Tosh
No, it's like, that's it. All right? We did the first half of the game. We saw the commercials. Let's go, guys. Let's watch the second half by ourselves. At Our own houses. You guys got plenty of time to get home. It's a long halftime.
Eddie
Re kicks a return by the drive.
Daniel Tosh
No, that's my move. Halftime is when I start cleaning up. Let's go, let's go. Wrap it up. Get all the toys out of the pool. By the way, this hatred toward Bad Bunny, it's not Latino hate, okay? I want to be clear about that. It's good. Good oldfashioned homophobia, because no one gave a when JLO and Shakira were singing in Spanish at the halftime shaking their ass, right? But Bad Bunny whips his little dong out, all of a sudden, now we got a big problem. By the way, JLO barely speaks Spanish, which is mind blowing to me because she's been the most famous Latina for 30 years. You think some of the somebody on her team would be like, hey, you really should learn Spanish. Ben Affleck speaks better Spanish than JLo. That's offensive. If you're not a fan of Bad Bunny, the NFL answered your prayers because they got Green Day doing the opening ceremony, whatever the fuck that is. I bet you. I bet you the opening ceremony was created just so conservatives heads will explode. Because if you think Bad Bunny is anti American, then. Then that. Then the punk group from the Bay Area that despises Donald Trump's policies and him as a person. Oh, man, that's going to really rattle your cage.
Eddie
Rattle your cage.
Daniel Tosh
You think they'll say something, that they have to do that weird, long, you know, silent bleep out?
Eddie
Yeah, it'll be good.
Daniel Tosh
And for the record, if you've seen Green Day, once you get it, you care about the super bowl commercials. No wonder why none of our sponsors have asked me to do a Super bowl commercial. I clearly have proven that I am worthy as a spokesperson. And I tell you, who needs to come step up is old BetMGM. Knock it off with the Jamie Foxx and Jon Hamm shit. Let's use somebody that's a degenerate and actually uses your app. Sometimes I just open up the app, even when I'm not in Nevada, just to. Just to stare at what I would do. You know, I string together some bets and then I just. Then I show Carly later on how much money we would have won.
Eddie
Perfect. Ambassador.
Daniel Tosh
Are you excited about the actual game?
Eddie
I am.
Daniel Tosh
You're talking about the Seattle Seagulls verse the New England Patriots?
Eddie
Yep.
Daniel Tosh
By the way, Seattle was 60 to 1 to win the super. To be in the super bowl, and The Patriots were 80 to 1. So had you bet that they would both be in the super bowl at the beginning of the season. You would own Greenland.
Eddie
Wow.
Daniel Tosh
That's right. Now that's what. That's what that would have paid out. And you would have the pivotal piece for trade talks.
Eddie
Yeah.
Daniel Tosh
Is this about trade? Was Greenland about trade defense or was it about defense?
Eddie
Yeah. Strategically placed.
Daniel Tosh
If Drake may wins the super bowl, he will be 4 and O in the playoffs with a ring statistically making him the greatest quarterback in the history of the New England Patriots. Yeah, that's pretty good. Tom Brady first played under Bill Belichick before either of their girlfriends were born.
Eddie
That's wild.
Daniel Tosh
Put them on a list. Release the files. The Last time these two teams met, 911 truther Pete Carroll, he stroked out, called a pass play. 20 seconds left, second goal on the one yard line. Intercepted. The only conspiracy I believe is that Marshawn lynch was banging Pete Carroll's wife. Mm. It's the only thing that I can be like, you know what? Okay. I see what. I see what happened.
Eddie
Change your mind? Yeah.
Daniel Tosh
Release the files. But Sam Darnold, how do you not root for this kid? I mean, the way he started his career. Oh, yeah, the Jets. Any player that has played for the jets should not have those years count against their stats. Fact there. Even casuals know the jets are a dumpster fire. They should be relegated to play the entire season next year in Europe. The biggest story from the jets this year was when Mark Sanchez got stabbed by that old guy for a coke deal that went bad.
Eddie
That's like out of nowhere. Just woke up one morning.
Daniel Tosh
Holy cow. I mean, you. You. You think you know somebody when you watch them make bad picks every week on tv. Then you find out, oh, my goodness, he's just like me. He's just in another city in a hotel room just trying to get some cocaine, and then some old guy just starts stabbing you.
Eddie
You just don't know who you're dealing with.
Daniel Tosh
It's like we're all the same. The best part of this NFL season is that neither the Bosa boys will be getting to visit the White House. I'm sure they'll still go to the White House, but for different reasons.
Eddie
Talk policy.
Daniel Tosh
Yeah. Who's your. Let's see. Let's get picks. All right, you guys ready? Seattle's favorite by four and a half. Let's go ahead. Dylan, who. Who do you have?
Dylan
I'm going. Seahawks.
Daniel Tosh
Going Seahawks to cover four and a half.
Dylan
Yeah, I don't. I think Patriots are shut out.
Daniel Tosh
Shut up. Mean zero points.
Dylan
Yeah.
Daniel Tosh
Zero.
Dylan
Patriots. It'll be like 14. Zero.
Daniel Tosh
I mean, wow. What a dog shit Super Bowl. That's like a Super bowl from 1950.
Eddie
Yeah. Leather, helmets, everything.
Daniel Tosh
Okay, Dylan. Dylan with the Seahawks. Pete, who you got? We're going Patriots, money line. Patriots, money line taking underdog. Ugh. All right. What do you got, John? Seagulls. Seagulls. Eddie, you got any picks? You got a lock for me?
Eddie
Yep. Seahawks, 2810.
Daniel Tosh
Seahawks, 2810. All right, well, now it's time for my lock of the week. And you know that I do not throw out locks of the week unless I'm guaranteeing that it's a lock.
Eddie
This is a guarantee, folks.
Daniel Tosh
So if you. If you place my exact bet and it doesn't come in, then I refund you.
Eddie
That's what he's always said. It's what he always does.
Daniel Tosh
The show refunds you, but. Okay, here it is. The opening kickoff. Ready for this? Will be fumbled.
Eddie
What?
Daniel Tosh
Yep. That right there is going to get you paid.
Eddie
Yeah, it is.
Daniel Tosh
There will be a score in the final two minutes of the first half. The first field goal made will be from 47 yards.
Eddie
Okay.
Daniel Tosh
Okay. There will be one interception at least by Sam Darnold. Okay.
Eddie
Okay.
Daniel Tosh
There will be three players that attempt a pass.
Eddie
Okay.
Daniel Tosh
That means either somebody gets knocked out or they do some trickeration. So you take the over on two people throwing passes. The longest rush will be 29 yards. Not very exciting.
Eddie
No.
Daniel Tosh
No. Okay. And my. Who's going to win the game? Don't know. You just got to play these on the field and see what happens.
Eddie
Yep.
Daniel Tosh
Will there be a safety in the game? No. Will there be a two point conversion attempted? Yes. Will there be a two point attempt completed? Yes. Will the team that wins be leading the game throughout? Yes. Will there be a score in every quarter? Yes. Will the game go to overtime? No. Do you think I gamble a lot?
Eddie
I mean, just knowing those. Yeah, I would say so. You know that app pretty well, my friend.
Daniel Tosh
The longest reception, 58 yards. Sacks. A lot of guys have them. Those are my locks. Okay. Money in the bank. That's a little tip from your uncle Lair.
Mike
How do you make chicken nuggets? Like 7,000% better. Short answer, you let Taco Bell make them. Long answer. Start with all white meat chicken nuggets, bread them in crunchy tortilla chips, and. And serve them with Hidden Valley Diablo Ranch. Yep, that's Hidden Valley Ranch mixed with Taco Bell Diablo sauce. It's exactly what it sounds like. And somehow even Better. Simple math. Spicy results. Crispy chicken nuggets from Taco Bell. A brand new classic at participating US Taco Bell locations for a limited time only while supplies Last.
Daniel Tosh
Paw show. I want to thank the NFL for endorsing this show and letting us use their logo, their shield.
Eddie
They don't normally do that. It's kind of nice.
Daniel Tosh
They said all we had to do was put on my surfboard. Stop racism.
Eddie
It takes all of us.
Daniel Tosh
I wish they would really let players put messages on the back of them.
Eddie
Like what they want.
Daniel Tosh
Yeah. Or just as long as it's an issue, you know, keep abortions legal. That'd be funny. On the back of a helmet.
Eddie
See that guy playing, like, okay.
Daniel Tosh
I respect a running back that has a helmet that says keep abortions legal. Yeah, that guy. That guy definitely is getting some road tang.
Eddie
Oh, pro.
Daniel Tosh
I'm gonna need a schedule Carl for a teeth cleaning because he. He got into my daughter's. So my daughter has this little tiny plastic toilet that we keep out by the pool. That way you shouldn't have to go all the way inside. If she has to poop, which she always has to poop as soon as she starts swimming. Anyway, she pooped in it. And I thought it was funny because it was a huge turd. And I put the toilet on top of the ping pong table. The dead middle. He is. No. Well, anyway, it's out there for a couple days, and I keep checking in on this turd and it's there. Well, then the other day, my daughter was swimming. She goes, I need a poop. And I go, carly, she needs a poop. So Carly grabs it and puts it down. So she puts a second dookie in there. One dookie is two days old and the other one is in there. Now there's two turds in there, but very different ages. But she doesn't put. Shove this little plastic toilet back up onto the ping pong day. She doesn't put it in the middle. She just thinks, oh, it was on the ping pong table. She didn't realize that there was a strategic location. She sits on the edge. Well, anyway, next day, I go out there to that thing, and it's gone. The turds are gone. And I just am like, oh, shit breath, you didn't.
Eddie
And he did just gobbled it down.
Daniel Tosh
Gobbled up two of my daughter's turds. Big ones, too. Oh, all right, Go ahead. Put your head down now. That's disgusting. I don't know why he does it. It's. He eats P2s potatoes, my pig's poop and my daughter's poop. Doesn't touch dog poop ever.
Eddie
That's funny.
Daniel Tosh
But potato poop he'll go for. And my daughters turds just. They just appeal to him.
Eddie
Just got a taste for it.
Daniel Tosh
Yeah. Let's get to our plugs. We have time. Patreon.com tosshow check out some of this riveting, unfiltered comedy. And I think there's a lot. You know the thing about Patreon? No politics over there. No, I keep my political views out of the Patreon site.
Eddie
Yep, it's all about money.
Daniel Tosh
My first farewell tour. Tickets on sale now, guys. Looking forward to it. Can't wait to come out. See what all the hubbub's about. We just added a third show in D.C. oh, man, oh man. Is that because everybody keeps dropping out from going there? Whatever Performing Arts is. Is our building named after this current president? I hope not. Do I need to pull out? I keep adding shows. Am I the only one that will perform in D.C. right now?
Eddie
I'll go with you, buddy.
Daniel Tosh
Tossshowstore.com get some merch. Get a Carl shirt. Get a mug says get this off my desk. Hey, why don't you get your head off my desk? My wife's cousin Amanda, AKA Panda, still trying to find her love. Got any callers?
Eddie
I do.
Daniel Tosh
All right, let's hear them.
Dylan
Yo, Dan. Dan the Muffin Man. What's good? It's your boy Mike.
Daniel Tosh
Okay, hold on. That's my boy Mike. Yes. He says if he's my boy, then he knows I'm not Dan Dan the Muffin Man.
Eddie
Absolutely not.
Daniel Tosh
No, I'm Dan. Dan the Mustard man.
Eddie
Well, everybody knows that.
Daniel Tosh
Everybody knows I'm the mustard. I've never been called the muffin Man. There's already a Muffin man.
Eddie
There's already a Muffin man.
Daniel Tosh
You gotta have your I'm the mustard Man. Swinging on a rubber band, fell into the frying pan. You get it? I don't want to hear that guy. That guy. Can't nobody that says that they're my man and then calls me the Muffin man is gonna be my brother in law. Well, I guess it'd be more of a cousin. Through mar. He shunned. Shun him.
Eddie
Here's another one.
Dylan
Hey, Tosh, this is Scott. I am 6, 4, 210 pounds. I'm 29 years old and I'm sitting here with my girlfriend Samantha. We're really looking to dip our toes into swinging and we want, you know, Panda to be our third wheel. And, I mean, I could see it working. We actually worked at. In Big Sky, Montana. We were horseback guides, and that's how we met. So we get horses, we get Panda.
Daniel Tosh
This is a wrinkle I hadn't considered Interesting. A throuple. A throuple that might be good for Panda. It takes some of the pressure off of her.
Eddie
Right.
Daniel Tosh
Okay. They're gonna dip their toes into the swinging game. There's some swingers in my neighborhood.
Eddie
Are there?
Daniel Tosh
Yep.
Eddie
That's great.
Daniel Tosh
Yeah, we hear about it. And if anybody's listening to this podcast and you know that. I know.
Eddie
Frightening.
Daniel Tosh
Yeah. A couple birthday parties recently, things started turning a little. Little weird after hours. I wasn't at the party, but I heard. I heard how things started going.
Eddie
You'd be the worst swinger.
Daniel Tosh
Swingers. All right. Good for them.
Eddie
We should at least meet them.
Daniel Tosh
We should at least. They should send us a tape. I've never gone down that road. I've never dipped my toe into those waters.
Eddie
Yeah, dipping your toes.
Daniel Tosh
It sounds fun. All right, listen, I don't know if swinging is her cup of tea, but nothing else has worked out.
Eddie
There you go.
Daniel Tosh
See you next week.
Tosh Show — My Super Bowl LX Episode Host: Daniel Tosh | Date: February 3, 2026
Daniel Tosh’s “My Super Bowl LX Episode” dives headfirst into football’s biggest week with classic Tosh irreverence, quick-witted sports satire, and his usual blend of personal stories and side commentary. Surrounded by regular contributors Eddie, Dylan, Mike, and others, Tosh covers everything from Super Bowl predictions, NFL hot takes, and infamous halftime show controversies, to sharply funny takes on parenting and memories from his own childhood. All football fans, pop culture skeptics, and lovers of edgy comedy will find something to enjoy in this uproarious episode.
Timestamps: [01:02] – [01:46]
Timestamps: [01:46] – [08:13]
Timestamps: [12:59] – [21:14]
Timestamps: [20:22] – [23:09]
Timestamps: [24:09] – [29:37]
Timestamps: [30:36] – [31:17]
Timestamps: [31:18] – [32:56]
Timestamps: [33:14] – [36:34]
Daniel Tosh on the “big game” language:
“Super bowl is trademarked by the Super Bowls… Only the Super Bowl can call it the Super Bowl. Everybody else got to call it the big game.” [01:32]
Tosh on the generational difference in parenting:
“Do you think my father could name one teacher I've ever had in my entire life?” [05:37]
Tosh’s father (failing the challenge):
“Mr. Box… at the Lutheran school in St. Louis.”
“I have no idea who you’re talking about. Who is Mr. Box?” [06:33–07:10]
Hot Take on AFC Championship:
“I think anyone in the NFL would agree that the NFC Championship Game was amazing and the AFC Championship Game was unwatchable.” [12:59]
On the Bills’ legacy:
“Bill's mafia…helping implode the old stadium by diving into it.” [13:36]
On halftime controversy:
“If you’re mad about Bad Bunny being the halftime show, then don’t watch the game, okay? Go put another Trump sign in your shitty yard.” [21:01]
On Pete Carroll and Marshawn Lynch:
“The only conspiracy I believe is that Marshawn Lynch was banging Pete Carroll’s wife.” [25:14]
On Seahawks-Patriots odds:
“Seattle was 60-to-1… Patriots were 80-to-1. Had you bet…you would own Greenland.” [24:16]
On player helmet slogans:
“Keep abortions legal. That’d be funny. On the back of a helmet.” [31:05]
On his dog Carl’s diet:
“He eats P2s—potatoes, my pig’s poop and my daughter’s poop. Doesn’t touch dog poop ever.” [32:47]
On his neighborhood’s swingers:
“There’s some swingers in my neighborhood… Things started turning a little. Little weird after hours.” [35:49–36:09]
True to his stand-up roots, Daniel Tosh delivers the entire episode with sharp-edged, rapid-fire humor, steering between genuine sports insight and deliberately outrageous, offensive gags. The tone is sarcastic, provocative, and playfully irreverent—sometimes crude, but always with a wink to the audience.
Expect football analysis that’s equal parts parody and astute; pop culture rants that lampoon anyone and everyone; and personal stories that blend oversharing with observational humor. It’s an episode high on laughs, loaded with bets (real and fake), and as unfiltered as ever. If you want a primer on Tosh’s worldview, this is it.
[End of summary]