My Super Bowl LX Episode

Summary

Tosh Show — My Super Bowl LX Episode Host: Daniel Tosh | Date: February 3, 2026

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Episode Overview

Daniel Tosh’s “My Super Bowl LX Episode” dives headfirst into football’s biggest week with classic Tosh irreverence, quick-witted sports satire, and his usual blend of personal stories and side commentary. Surrounded by regular contributors Eddie, Dylan, Mike, and others, Tosh covers everything from Super Bowl predictions, NFL hot takes, and infamous halftime show controversies, to sharply funny takes on parenting and memories from his own childhood. All football fans, pop culture skeptics, and lovers of edgy comedy will find something to enjoy in this uproarious episode.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Super Bowl (aka "Big Game") Banter

Timestamps: [01:02] – [01:46]

• Wrestling with the NFL’s trademark: “You can't call it the Super Bowl. You got to call it… the big game.” [01:32]
• Meta-joking about podcast restrictions and evasive language around the Super Bowl.

2. Fatherhood, Parenting, and Intergenerational Memory

Timestamps: [01:46] – [08:13]

• Tosh details his self-evaluation as a dad, with comic sincerity and notes on generational change.
• Humorously describes helping his son with a bicycle-related chafing incident, uncircumcised penis and all.
• Challenges emerge as Tosh bets Eddie that his own father can't name a single one of Tosh's childhood teachers.
• Memorable Moment: Live on-air call to his father results in a hilarious exchange and failed recollection.
  • "Can you name one schoolteacher I've ever had in my life?" [06:33]
  • Tosh's father: “Mr. Box.” Tosh: “I have no idea who you’re talking about.” [06:38–07:10]
• Tosh reflects on his own memory of teachers, schoolyard crushes, and volunteers stories.

3. NFL Season Recap & Hot Takes

Timestamps: [12:59] – [21:14]

• Recaps NFC (“amazing”) and AFC (“unwatchable”) championship games; lampoons the Broncos, Kaepernick, and Tebow scenarios.
• Savages Buffalo Bills’ playoff heartbreaks: “Bill's mafia…helping implode the old stadium by diving into it.” [13:36]
• Takes on coaches—Aaron Rodgers, Sean McDermott, Mike McCarthy, Dan Campbell, Zac Taylor—each with comic barbs.
  • “The players on the Steelers have a better chance of catching measles than they do a touchdown pass from Aaron Rodgers.” [15:10]
• Rants about teams with losing records making the playoffs, especially the Panthers.
• Deftly skewers Philip Rivers’ ever-growing family, Cam Newton’s fashion, Jon Gruden, Browns’ job vacancies, and more.
• Detroit Lions, Bengals, Raiders, Browns—all fodder for Tosh’s relentless sarcasm.

4. Super Bowl Halftime and Pop Culture Controversy

Timestamps: [20:22] – [23:09]

• Chides those upset over Bad Bunny headlining halftime:
  • “If you’re mad about Bad Bunny being the halftime show, then don’t watch the game, okay? Go put another Trump sign in your shitty yard.” [21:01]
• Notes the difference in public reception for Latin artists and wraps the segment in pointed social commentary about race and homophobia.
• Foresees Green Day “rattling” conservatives in the opening ceremony.
  • “The opening ceremony was created just so conservatives’ heads will explode.” [22:54]

5. The Actual Game & Degenerate Gambling

Timestamps: [24:09] – [29:37]

• Dissects the improbability of the Seattle Seahawks versus New England Patriots matchup.
  • “Seattle was 60-to-1… Patriots were 80-to-1. Had you bet…you would own Greenland.” [24:16]
• Recalls Seahawks-Patriots Super Bowl XLIX and Pete Carroll, with conspiracy humor (“Marshawn Lynch was banging Pete Carroll’s wife”). [25:14]
• Jets’ ongoing disasters, from failed players to wild Mark Sanchez story.
• Hot takes on what “locks” to bet for the Super Bowl:
  • Super Bowl Locks: ([27:54] – [29:37])
    • Opening kickoff fumbled
    • Score in final two minutes of first half
    • First field goal from 47 yards
    • Sam Darnold interception
    • At least three players attempt a pass
    • Longest rush = 29 yards
    • Two-point conversion attempted and completed
    • Score in every quarter
    • No overtime
  • “Those are my locks. Money in the bank. That’s a little tip from your Uncle Lair.” [29:41]

6. NFL Social Messaging & Helmet Humor

Timestamps: [30:36] – [31:17]

• Mocks the NFL’s performative “Stop Racism” messages:
  • “They said all we had to do was put on my surfboard: Stop Racism.” [30:44]
• Jokes about letting players put “keep abortions legal” on helmets:
  • “I respect a running back that has a helmet that says keep abortions legal. Yeah, that guy definitely is getting some road tang.” [31:05]

7. Classic Tosh Domestic Absurdity: The Poolside Toilet Story

Timestamps: [31:18] – [32:56]

• Recounts his daughter's poolside toilet, strategically placed turds, and Carl the dog gobbling them up.
  • “He eats P2s—potatoes, my pig’s poop and my daughter’s poop. Doesn’t touch dog poop ever.” [32:47]

8. Plugs & Fan Interactions (Swingers in the Neighborhood)

Timestamps: [33:14] – [36:34]

• Promotes Patreon (“No politics over there. I keep my political views out of the Patreon site.” [33:14]) and tour dates (“My first farewell tour. Tickets on sale now…” [33:19])
• Reads in listener call from a throuple seeking Tosh’s cousin Amanda (“Panda”) as a “third wheel.”
  • “A throuple—that might be good for Panda… there’s some swingers in my neighborhood.” [35:33]
• Amused, Tosh muses on swinging and the peculiarities of his community.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Daniel Tosh on the “big game” language:
  “Super bowl is trademarked by the Super Bowls… Only the Super Bowl can call it the Super Bowl. Everybody else got to call it the big game.” [01:32]

• Tosh on the generational difference in parenting:
  “Do you think my father could name one teacher I've ever had in my entire life?” [05:37]

• Tosh’s father (failing the challenge):
  “Mr. Box… at the Lutheran school in St. Louis.”
  “I have no idea who you’re talking about. Who is Mr. Box?” [06:33–07:10]

• Hot Take on AFC Championship:
  “I think anyone in the NFL would agree that the NFC Championship Game was amazing and the AFC Championship Game was unwatchable.” [12:59]

• On the Bills’ legacy:
  “Bill's mafia…helping implode the old stadium by diving into it.” [13:36]

• On halftime controversy:
  “If you’re mad about Bad Bunny being the halftime show, then don’t watch the game, okay? Go put another Trump sign in your shitty yard.” [21:01]

• On Pete Carroll and Marshawn Lynch:
  “The only conspiracy I believe is that Marshawn Lynch was banging Pete Carroll’s wife.” [25:14]

• On Seahawks-Patriots odds:
  “Seattle was 60-to-1… Patriots were 80-to-1. Had you bet…you would own Greenland.” [24:16]

• On player helmet slogans:
  “Keep abortions legal. That’d be funny. On the back of a helmet.” [31:05]

• On his dog Carl’s diet:
  “He eats P2s—potatoes, my pig’s poop and my daughter’s poop. Doesn’t touch dog poop ever.” [32:47]

• On his neighborhood’s swingers:
  “There’s some swingers in my neighborhood… Things started turning a little. Little weird after hours.” [35:49–36:09]

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• 01:24 – Super Bowl naming/“Big Game” jokes
• 01:46 – Parenting stories and father/son bet segment
• 06:33 – Tosh calls his father about childhood teachers (hilarious fail)
• 12:59 – Championship game hot takes & NFL playoff jokes
• 15:35 – The All Pro “all-forehead” joke
• 20:22 – The leadup to Bad Bunny/halftime show debate
• 24:16 – Odds and hypothetical winnings for Super Bowl matchup
• 27:54 – Super Bowl betting locks
• 31:05 – NFL slogans and helmet joke
• 32:24 – The poolside turd/Carl the dog anecdote
• 33:14 – Plugs and Patreon segment
• 35:33 – Listener call: swinging/throuple discussion

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Episode Tone & Style

True to his stand-up roots, Daniel Tosh delivers the entire episode with sharp-edged, rapid-fire humor, steering between genuine sports insight and deliberately outrageous, offensive gags. The tone is sarcastic, provocative, and playfully irreverent—sometimes crude, but always with a wink to the audience.

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For New Listeners:

Expect football analysis that’s equal parts parody and astute; pop culture rants that lampoon anyone and everyone; and personal stories that blend oversharing with observational humor. It’s an episode high on laughs, loaded with bets (real and fake), and as unfiltered as ever. If you want a primer on Tosh’s worldview, this is it.

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[End of summary]

Transcript

[Daniel Tosh]

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[Eddie]

Details.

[Progressive Insurance Announcer]

And get pre qualified today. Want to drive CarMax?

[Daniel Tosh]

Well, that's time for my lock of the week. And you know that I do not throw out locks of the week unless I'm guaranteeing that it's a lock. Posh show. Tosh show. Pro show. Welcome to Tosh show. Guess what time it is, Eddie.

[Eddie]

Super bowl time. Eddie, what time is it?

[Daniel Tosh]

Big game.

[Eddie]

It's a big game.

[Daniel Tosh]

Yeah. You can't call it the Super Bowl.

[Eddie]

What do we call it?

[Daniel Tosh]

You got to call it. That's right, the big game. Super bowl. Super bowl is trademarked by the Super Bowls.

[Eddie]

We can't say it.

[Daniel Tosh]

Who can say the Super Bowl? Super Bowl. Only the super bowl can call it the Super Bowl. Everybody else got to call it the big game.

[Eddie]

The big game.

[Daniel Tosh]

Big game.

[Eddie]

The big game. Time then.

[Daniel Tosh]

Listen, thank you guys for tuning in. This is going to be a special episode. You're going to get a lot of fun, fun hot takes. And some of you might not be interested in football. Well, this wouldn't be the one for you then. Okay, hit mute and just start jerking. Yeah, okay. You know, when I brought my father in law to San Francisco, did I already rant about this? He wouldn't stop. Just referring it as Frisco. Did I say this on the air? No, he just. It was so embarrassing. He's like, you know, I've always wanted to come to Frisco. I'm like, okay, don't do that. And he just kept doing it. He wasn't trying to be funny. He just kept going, ah, you know what? Frisco a lot cleaner than I thought it was gonna be. Frisco just kept doing it. Oh, my goodness. Hey, I saw one of those driverless cars here in Frisco.

[Eddie]

He's like, stop.

[Daniel Tosh]

I go, don't call it that. He's the guy that, like, when you go to a Mexican restaurant and the server comes up, he goes, hola. I'm like, oh, shit, I'm gonna be in Vegas the night before the Super Bowl. And I'm always there the night before because that's when I place my bets. I like to gamble in the Super Bowl. I like gambling. I gave you guys a bet to make right now. Okay. Yep. You guys kind of know my life. Let's see. Let's see where you would. Where you would bet on this, do you think? Let me set it up this way. I don't think I'm the best father in the world. Am I the best father in my kids? You know, friend group? Yes. I destroy the other dads locally here. I destroy them. You know, I'm not being cocky. I just know the amount of time I'm putting in and they can't compete against that. I know who my kids call in the middle of the night when they get scared, who they want to come when they get hurt. That's me, right? Okay. That's not the case in a lot of households. Anyway. My son the other day is like making me. He's like, dad, I need to whisper something to you. I'm like, what? He's like, my. My penis is starting to burn on the. He's like freaking out about his penis. What happens was because he's uncircumcised, I talk about this. That's fine. When he rides his bike a lot, it chafes a little bit and so then it burns afterwards. So I have to get some Vaseline for him. I need to get him tighter underwear, I think for when he rides bikes. The real thing is I need to teach him how to get out of the saddle and ride a bike. But little kids are so bad at standing up while they ride. As soon as they stand up, it's just. It's like they're relearning how to ride a bike. Okay, that's nothing. The point is, I'm a good dad, you know? What's his name? Lachlan. My buddy comedian. He'll always text me and stuff like, oh, number one dad, that's not the goal. The goal was just to make the playoffs anyway. And I'm not the number one dad. I know that. But I am good. I'm involved in my kids lives and you can't help but reflect back on your childhood, how different it was. And I think My dad was. Great's a strong word, but you get it now. My dad was great. But, like, I text my kids, teachers, you know, my kids, the principal, my daughter's school. Like, I have an amazing rapport with her. I know what's going on. I volunteer constantly to help. Okay, again, I'm patting myself on the back way too much. All to get to this bet. Do you think my father and I don't know the answer to this? Do you think my father could name one teacher I've ever had in my entire life?

[Eddie]

Hmm. No. No.

[Daniel Tosh]

You think he couldn't?

[Eddie]

I don't think he could.

[Daniel Tosh]

I don't think he can either. I was. If one of you thinks, oh, he definitely could. I was gonna give you $100. And. And we'll call him and we'll see if he can. But I don't think he can. Not a single teacher I've ever had in my entire life. I don't think my father could pull in it. He's certain. And to double it, to say, like, what did they teach that might be, you know.

[Eddie]

Right.

[Daniel Tosh]

I'll take that action. I'm gonna switch my answer. Yes, he can definitely do that. You think my dad can name one teacher? Yes. Are you doing that just for the show? No. No, no, no. Or you actually didn't tell me about the hundred dollars, and it's like, yeah, I think I'll take that now. You owe me a thousand, though. If he can. Yes.

[Eddie]

Got to be a consequence.

[Daniel Tosh]

No, let's just. Let's just see. All right. Forget the money aspect. No, that's not. We said it, so. All right, we said it. Let's see what happens.

[Eddie]

This is in Vegas.

[Daniel Tosh]

Let's see if he answers this. Hello. Hello, Father. Hey, quick trivia question that you're going to be a part of here. I just need you to answer this question. Can you name one schoolteacher I've ever had in my life? Mr. Box. Wait, wait. Who is. I have no idea who you're talking about. Who is Mr. Box? Was it Fox or Fox? No, there's no. I never had a teacher, Mr. Box, in my life. Yes, she did. At. At the lutheran school in St. Louis. No, I didn't. I didn't have. I was only at the Lutheran School Our Savior Lutheran for kindergarten and first grade, and they were both women. Well, maybe I'm wrong. I bet you your daughters had that teacher. Which is still surprising to me that you pulled a name from so early on you can't remember anybody from my high school. No. What about the one that cornered you in the car when you dropped me off because he wanted to tell you how bad I was? You remember him? Mr. Heil? Is that who it was? Yeah, that was. I remember that. I remember. I remember seeing him beeline to the car and I just started running. I started running to class. All right, all right. You're wrong on box. That's Missy or Mindy, but not me. All right, that's what I wanted. Thank you. You're welcome, boy. All right. You owe me a thousand dollars.

[Eddie]

Thousand dollars. John.

[Daniel Tosh]

It's funny though. He pulled a name from. No, he pulled a name from the one private Christian school that we went to. After that was all public schools. But he probably. He probably was a little involved.

[Eddie]

More involvement there.

[Daniel Tosh]

Or at least respected those teachers a little more. Huh? But I did not have that teacher. I had. Mrs. Bromer was my kindergarten teacher. And like, I think it was Mrs. Brown for first grade. Yeah. Look at my memory. Still holding up. Beth. I remember you too, Natalie. First grade. Whoa. Hubba hubba. We kissed. Those little cement rings, those. You know, our construction site. They were part of the playground.

[Eddie]

Uh huh.

[Daniel Tosh]

Yeah. I sat in there with Natalie sometimes during recess. Just talked.

[Eddie]

What did you guys talk about?

[Daniel Tosh]

I don't remember.

[Eddie]

Life?

[Daniel Tosh]

Nah. About going to the. About going to the mall. Someday. Together.

[Eddie]

Someday we're gonna go to a mall together. What's a job?

[Daniel Tosh]

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[Dylan]

I bought some shirts that actually fit me.

[Daniel Tosh]

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[Eddie]

Awful.

[Daniel Tosh]

I mean, come on Broncos. I feel for you, but you know, you had a week. You don't think Colin Kaepernick was ready to go. Guys been training for 10 years for the call. You know, they should have done the Broncos should have resurrected Tim Tebow.

[Eddie]

There you go.

[Daniel Tosh]

Brought him back. You don't think he could have jumped past a fourth and one.

[Eddie]

He still got it.

[Daniel Tosh]

God damn it. Sorry for that Tebow. You know he could do it. Oh, my. You imagine if they would have brought Tim Tebow back? That place would have lost their mind.

[Eddie]

Yes.

[Daniel Tosh]

If they would have brought back Kaepernick. Oh, my goodness. Can you imagine how the MAGA folks there would have reacted? Unless he won. Then they'd be like, whoa. Okay, yeah. All right, let's get into it. Let's talk all of them. I'm repping. Buffalo Bills once again came up short. Now the rest of the team can go on paternity leave. Bill's mafia. They're going to have a fun off season, helping implode the old stadium by diving into it. I feel for Sean McDermott. You know, all he did was kind of win.

[Eddie]

Yeah, kind of win.

[Daniel Tosh]

I just hope whoever hires him is an indoor stadium because I'm tired of seeing him dressing like a beekeeper on the sideline.

[Eddie]

He had cancer.

[Daniel Tosh]

No, I. I know he had cancer. I'm not. I'm not making fun of cancer. I'm just saying he looked like he was a beekeeper and good riddance. Get out of Buffalo. Enjoy it. Don't act like Buffalo's fun. Even the cheerleaders, they have to show up six hours early before their shift with a snow shovel. You say salt of the earth. Those women up in Buffalo. I say bottom of the barrel, huh? Buy tickets to my show. Who's up next? Who do we go? Aaron Rodgers. Oh, man. I bet Aaron Rodgers is petty enough to actually stay at the Steelers so that he can get Mike McCarthy fired a second time.

[Eddie]

Pretty cool commitment.

[Daniel Tosh]

Yeah. The players in the Steelers have a better chance of catching measles than they do a touchdown pass from Aaron Rodgers. There, I said it. Hot take, hot take. Do the league a favor, Aaron. Grab a book, head to your yurt and enjoy the silence. Congratulations to Trevor Lawrence and C.J. stroud for representing the AFC south on the All Pro all forehead team.

[Eddie]

A lot of real estate.

[Daniel Tosh]

That's the funniest joke right there. That's so dumb. But yeah. Good God, there's a lot of head there. Carolina in a three way divisional tie. They. Did you say win? They won the NFC South.

[Eddie]

Kind of.

[Daniel Tosh]

With a losing record. V8. 9. You shouldn't be allowed to play in the playoffs if you have a losing record, let alone host a game. That's absurd. You should be allowed to work concessions. You can take Terry Bradshaw to the bathroom, but you don't get to host a playoff game. By the way, speaking of Carolina Cam, can we all agree that the hats are dumb bad? The guy looks like he's walking around the birthday cake on his head. That's not a good look. I don't care what he said. Oh, I don't get it. Oh, it's fashion. It's a bit much like a lady's.

[Eddie]

Going to pop out.

[Daniel Tosh]

Hey, FBI, While you're investigating Jim Irsay's death, why don't you look into the Colts trying to have Philip Rivers murdered under center at 44, hadn't played in five years. Look at his body. It's clear to anyone watching the game that he was pregnant with his 11th child and good for him. So progressive to carry the last few. Are they adopted? Is his wife? Did his wife give birth to 10 humans?

[Eddie]

I think that's how I understand it.

[Daniel Tosh]

What? Oh, there's not a husband stitch in the world that could fix that problem.

[Eddie]

Zipper.

[Daniel Tosh]

The Vikings moved on from Sam Darnold and the playoffs. Ah, look how that worked out for you. Unfortunately, the fan base is too busy fighting Nazis in the streets of Minneapolis right now to give a shit about football. That was great timing, Deploying a battalion of dipshits for the locals to take their frustrations out on. Skull. Skull.

[Eddie]

Skull.

[Daniel Tosh]

Skull. Skull. I would love to see a bunch of those. Those fans that really dress up like the Vikings, just on the street right now, just swinging like medieval things at ice agents. Detroit, they missed the playoffs after being a favorite to make the Super Bowl. Maybe Dan Campbell should take a break from the up downs and do what other successful coaches do.

[Eddie]

What's that?

[Daniel Tosh]

Two things, Ed. Get fat and punt the ball. That's the formula. Ten teams fired their head coach this year and not one of them with the Bengals. Okay. Four of Zach Taylor's seasons were with a healthy Joe Burrow. How is this guy not fired? I don't know. I'll tell you. Mike Brown, the owner, is the poorest, cheapest son of a bitch in the league. He just won't do it. He's not going to fire somebody and give them money. Pay you not to coach? That's absurd. If the Bengals became a woman's field hockey team overnight, guess what. Zach's their coach for two more years.

[Eddie]

You got to do whatever you got to do.

[Daniel Tosh]

That's what he asked. That's what his contract is for. So many coaching jobs available, I'm shocked the hall of Fame homophobe Jon Gruden didn't get a call somewhere you know what? You know what team could use him?

[Eddie]

Who?

[Daniel Tosh]

The Raiders.

[Eddie]

Oh, get him back.

[Daniel Tosh]

Sure. Was that the team? Let him go.

[Eddie]

Yep.

[Daniel Tosh]

Speaking of coaching job, nobody will accept the head coaching job of the Cleveland Browns. This may be the first time in the history of the NFL that they will have to hire a sheriff to serve a summons. Are you Sean McDermott? Yes, I am. Here. You've been served. You are now the head coach of the Cleveland Browns. Report for OTAs. And then Sean freaks out. No, not Cleveland. He just grabs the sheriff's gun. Fucking sticks in his mouth.

[Eddie]

Ah.

[Daniel Tosh]

They're like, just give it a shot. I can't do it. Yeah, talk him down. You can do it. Okay. You do it for a few seasons like Belichick did, and you move on. You become a legend. And then you. Then you stop and go to college. You eat some ass. Guys, I'm very excited. Dolphin fans. Finally, Jeff Halfley. Ah, the Jeff Halfley era in Miami begins. Who's excited?

[Mike]

Hmm.

[Daniel Tosh]

Don't worry. I haven't heard of him either. Nothing like a losing record in college in a few short stints as defensive coordinator to really rile up the fan base. You excited about the halftime show?

[Eddie]

Super excited.

[Daniel Tosh]

Yeah. What's your favorite Bad Bunny song?

[Eddie]

I don't know any Bad Bunny songs. He's funny on Saturday Night Live, though.

[Daniel Tosh]

Oh, I'm excited about Bad Bunny. I'll tell you why. Because it upsets some people. Every year. Somebody gets upset. Oh, my goodness. Can you believe they put so. And, like, who cares? The people that get upset aren't the people that matter anyway. These are the people that are gonna watch the game regardless. It doesn't matter who the halftime is. The halftime show is for people that aren't gonna watch the game. Being interested in watching the game, right? If you're mad about Bad Bunny being the halftime show, then don't watch the game, okay? Go put another trump sign in your shitty yard. Bad Bunny's been the most streamed artist for four different years, and that election wasn't rigged. Do I like Bad Bunny? No, of course not. But guess what? I watch the game, right? The halftime show isn't for me. You know what I do during the halftime show? Start cleaning up, making it uncomfortable for all the guests that are at my house to start wrapping things up.

[Eddie]

Be the worst super bowl party ever.

[Daniel Tosh]

No, it's like, that's it. All right? We did the first half of the game. We saw the commercials. Let's go, guys. Let's watch the second half by ourselves. At Our own houses. You guys got plenty of time to get home. It's a long halftime.

[Eddie]

Re kicks a return by the drive.

[Daniel Tosh]

No, that's my move. Halftime is when I start cleaning up. Let's go, let's go. Wrap it up. Get all the toys out of the pool. By the way, this hatred toward Bad Bunny, it's not Latino hate, okay? I want to be clear about that. It's good. Good oldfashioned homophobia, because no one gave a when JLO and Shakira were singing in Spanish at the halftime shaking their ass, right? But Bad Bunny whips his little dong out, all of a sudden, now we got a big problem. By the way, JLO barely speaks Spanish, which is mind blowing to me because she's been the most famous Latina for 30 years. You think some of the somebody on her team would be like, hey, you really should learn Spanish. Ben Affleck speaks better Spanish than JLo. That's offensive. If you're not a fan of Bad Bunny, the NFL answered your prayers because they got Green Day doing the opening ceremony, whatever the fuck that is. I bet you. I bet you the opening ceremony was created just so conservatives heads will explode. Because if you think Bad Bunny is anti American, then. Then that. Then the punk group from the Bay Area that despises Donald Trump's policies and him as a person. Oh, man, that's going to really rattle your cage.

[Eddie]

Rattle your cage.

[Daniel Tosh]

You think they'll say something, that they have to do that weird, long, you know, silent bleep out?

[Eddie]

Yeah, it'll be good.

[Daniel Tosh]

And for the record, if you've seen Green Day, once you get it, you care about the super bowl commercials. No wonder why none of our sponsors have asked me to do a Super bowl commercial. I clearly have proven that I am worthy as a spokesperson. And I tell you, who needs to come step up is old BetMGM. Knock it off with the Jamie Foxx and Jon Hamm shit. Let's use somebody that's a degenerate and actually uses your app. Sometimes I just open up the app, even when I'm not in Nevada, just to. Just to stare at what I would do. You know, I string together some bets and then I just. Then I show Carly later on how much money we would have won.

[Eddie]

Perfect. Ambassador.

[Daniel Tosh]

Are you excited about the actual game?

[Eddie]

I am.

[Daniel Tosh]

You're talking about the Seattle Seagulls verse the New England Patriots?

[Eddie]

Yep.

[Daniel Tosh]

By the way, Seattle was 60 to 1 to win the super. To be in the super bowl, and The Patriots were 80 to 1. So had you bet that they would both be in the super bowl at the beginning of the season. You would own Greenland.

[Eddie]

Wow.

[Daniel Tosh]

That's right. Now that's what. That's what that would have paid out. And you would have the pivotal piece for trade talks.

[Eddie]

Yeah.

[Daniel Tosh]

Is this about trade? Was Greenland about trade defense or was it about defense?

[Eddie]

Yeah. Strategically placed.

[Daniel Tosh]

If Drake may wins the super bowl, he will be 4 and O in the playoffs with a ring statistically making him the greatest quarterback in the history of the New England Patriots. Yeah, that's pretty good. Tom Brady first played under Bill Belichick before either of their girlfriends were born.

[Eddie]

That's wild.

[Daniel Tosh]

Put them on a list. Release the files. The Last time these two teams met, 911 truther Pete Carroll, he stroked out, called a pass play. 20 seconds left, second goal on the one yard line. Intercepted. The only conspiracy I believe is that Marshawn lynch was banging Pete Carroll's wife. Mm. It's the only thing that I can be like, you know what? Okay. I see what. I see what happened.

[Eddie]

Change your mind? Yeah.

[Daniel Tosh]

Release the files. But Sam Darnold, how do you not root for this kid? I mean, the way he started his career. Oh, yeah, the Jets. Any player that has played for the jets should not have those years count against their stats. Fact there. Even casuals know the jets are a dumpster fire. They should be relegated to play the entire season next year in Europe. The biggest story from the jets this year was when Mark Sanchez got stabbed by that old guy for a coke deal that went bad.

[Eddie]

That's like out of nowhere. Just woke up one morning.

[Daniel Tosh]

Holy cow. I mean, you. You. You think you know somebody when you watch them make bad picks every week on tv. Then you find out, oh, my goodness, he's just like me. He's just in another city in a hotel room just trying to get some cocaine, and then some old guy just starts stabbing you.

[Eddie]

You just don't know who you're dealing with.

[Daniel Tosh]

It's like we're all the same. The best part of this NFL season is that neither the Bosa boys will be getting to visit the White House. I'm sure they'll still go to the White House, but for different reasons.

[Eddie]

Talk policy.

[Daniel Tosh]

Yeah. Who's your. Let's see. Let's get picks. All right, you guys ready? Seattle's favorite by four and a half. Let's go ahead. Dylan, who. Who do you have?

[Dylan]

I'm going. Seahawks.

[Daniel Tosh]

Going Seahawks to cover four and a half.

[Dylan]

Yeah, I don't. I think Patriots are shut out.

[Daniel Tosh]

Shut up. Mean zero points.

[Dylan]

Yeah.

[Daniel Tosh]

Zero.

[Dylan]

Patriots. It'll be like 14. Zero.

[Daniel Tosh]

I mean, wow. What a dog shit Super Bowl. That's like a Super bowl from 1950.

[Eddie]

Yeah. Leather, helmets, everything.

[Daniel Tosh]

Okay, Dylan. Dylan with the Seahawks. Pete, who you got? We're going Patriots, money line. Patriots, money line taking underdog. Ugh. All right. What do you got, John? Seagulls. Seagulls. Eddie, you got any picks? You got a lock for me?

[Eddie]

Yep. Seahawks, 2810.

[Daniel Tosh]

Seahawks, 2810. All right, well, now it's time for my lock of the week. And you know that I do not throw out locks of the week unless I'm guaranteeing that it's a lock.

[Eddie]

This is a guarantee, folks.

[Daniel Tosh]

So if you. If you place my exact bet and it doesn't come in, then I refund you.

[Eddie]

That's what he's always said. It's what he always does.

[Daniel Tosh]

The show refunds you, but. Okay, here it is. The opening kickoff. Ready for this? Will be fumbled.

[Eddie]

What?

[Daniel Tosh]

Yep. That right there is going to get you paid.

[Eddie]

Yeah, it is.

[Daniel Tosh]

There will be a score in the final two minutes of the first half. The first field goal made will be from 47 yards.

[Eddie]

Okay.

[Daniel Tosh]

Okay. There will be one interception at least by Sam Darnold. Okay.

[Eddie]

Okay.

[Daniel Tosh]

There will be three players that attempt a pass.

[Eddie]

Okay.

[Daniel Tosh]

That means either somebody gets knocked out or they do some trickeration. So you take the over on two people throwing passes. The longest rush will be 29 yards. Not very exciting.

[Eddie]

No.

[Daniel Tosh]

No. Okay. And my. Who's going to win the game? Don't know. You just got to play these on the field and see what happens.

[Eddie]

Yep.

[Daniel Tosh]

Will there be a safety in the game? No. Will there be a two point conversion attempted? Yes. Will there be a two point attempt completed? Yes. Will the team that wins be leading the game throughout? Yes. Will there be a score in every quarter? Yes. Will the game go to overtime? No. Do you think I gamble a lot?

[Eddie]

I mean, just knowing those. Yeah, I would say so. You know that app pretty well, my friend.

[Daniel Tosh]

The longest reception, 58 yards. Sacks. A lot of guys have them. Those are my locks. Okay. Money in the bank. That's a little tip from your uncle Lair.

[Mike]

How do you make chicken nuggets? Like 7,000% better. Short answer, you let Taco Bell make them. Long answer. Start with all white meat chicken nuggets, bread them in crunchy tortilla chips, and. And serve them with Hidden Valley Diablo Ranch. Yep, that's Hidden Valley Ranch mixed with Taco Bell Diablo sauce. It's exactly what it sounds like. And somehow even Better. Simple math. Spicy results. Crispy chicken nuggets from Taco Bell. A brand new classic at participating US Taco Bell locations for a limited time only while supplies Last.

[Daniel Tosh]

Paw show. I want to thank the NFL for endorsing this show and letting us use their logo, their shield.

[Eddie]

They don't normally do that. It's kind of nice.

[Daniel Tosh]

They said all we had to do was put on my surfboard. Stop racism.

[Eddie]

It takes all of us.

[Daniel Tosh]

I wish they would really let players put messages on the back of them.

[Eddie]

Like what they want.

[Daniel Tosh]

Yeah. Or just as long as it's an issue, you know, keep abortions legal. That'd be funny. On the back of a helmet.

[Eddie]

See that guy playing, like, okay.

[Daniel Tosh]

I respect a running back that has a helmet that says keep abortions legal. Yeah, that guy. That guy definitely is getting some road tang.

[Eddie]

Oh, pro.

[Daniel Tosh]

I'm gonna need a schedule Carl for a teeth cleaning because he. He got into my daughter's. So my daughter has this little tiny plastic toilet that we keep out by the pool. That way you shouldn't have to go all the way inside. If she has to poop, which she always has to poop as soon as she starts swimming. Anyway, she pooped in it. And I thought it was funny because it was a huge turd. And I put the toilet on top of the ping pong table. The dead middle. He is. No. Well, anyway, it's out there for a couple days, and I keep checking in on this turd and it's there. Well, then the other day, my daughter was swimming. She goes, I need a poop. And I go, carly, she needs a poop. So Carly grabs it and puts it down. So she puts a second dookie in there. One dookie is two days old and the other one is in there. Now there's two turds in there, but very different ages. But she doesn't put. Shove this little plastic toilet back up onto the ping pong day. She doesn't put it in the middle. She just thinks, oh, it was on the ping pong table. She didn't realize that there was a strategic location. She sits on the edge. Well, anyway, next day, I go out there to that thing, and it's gone. The turds are gone. And I just am like, oh, shit breath, you didn't.

[Eddie]

And he did just gobbled it down.

[Daniel Tosh]

Gobbled up two of my daughter's turds. Big ones, too. Oh, all right, Go ahead. Put your head down now. That's disgusting. I don't know why he does it. It's. He eats P2s potatoes, my pig's poop and my daughter's poop. Doesn't touch dog poop ever.

[Eddie]

That's funny.

[Daniel Tosh]

But potato poop he'll go for. And my daughters turds just. They just appeal to him.

[Eddie]

Just got a taste for it.

[Daniel Tosh]

Yeah. Let's get to our plugs. We have time. Patreon.com tosshow check out some of this riveting, unfiltered comedy. And I think there's a lot. You know the thing about Patreon? No politics over there. No, I keep my political views out of the Patreon site.

[Eddie]

Yep, it's all about money.

[Daniel Tosh]

My first farewell tour. Tickets on sale now, guys. Looking forward to it. Can't wait to come out. See what all the hubbub's about. We just added a third show in D.C. oh, man, oh man. Is that because everybody keeps dropping out from going there? Whatever Performing Arts is. Is our building named after this current president? I hope not. Do I need to pull out? I keep adding shows. Am I the only one that will perform in D.C. right now?

[Eddie]

I'll go with you, buddy.

[Daniel Tosh]

Tossshowstore.com get some merch. Get a Carl shirt. Get a mug says get this off my desk. Hey, why don't you get your head off my desk? My wife's cousin Amanda, AKA Panda, still trying to find her love. Got any callers?

[Eddie]

I do.

[Daniel Tosh]

All right, let's hear them.

[Dylan]

Yo, Dan. Dan the Muffin Man. What's good? It's your boy Mike.

[Daniel Tosh]

Okay, hold on. That's my boy Mike. Yes. He says if he's my boy, then he knows I'm not Dan Dan the Muffin Man.

[Eddie]

Absolutely not.

[Daniel Tosh]

No, I'm Dan. Dan the Mustard man.

[Eddie]

Well, everybody knows that.

[Daniel Tosh]

Everybody knows I'm the mustard. I've never been called the muffin Man. There's already a Muffin man.

[Eddie]

There's already a Muffin man.

[Daniel Tosh]

You gotta have your I'm the mustard Man. Swinging on a rubber band, fell into the frying pan. You get it? I don't want to hear that guy. That guy. Can't nobody that says that they're my man and then calls me the Muffin man is gonna be my brother in law. Well, I guess it'd be more of a cousin. Through mar. He shunned. Shun him.

[Eddie]

Here's another one.

[Dylan]

Hey, Tosh, this is Scott. I am 6, 4, 210 pounds. I'm 29 years old and I'm sitting here with my girlfriend Samantha. We're really looking to dip our toes into swinging and we want, you know, Panda to be our third wheel. And, I mean, I could see it working. We actually worked at. In Big Sky, Montana. We were horseback guides, and that's how we met. So we get horses, we get Panda.

[Daniel Tosh]

This is a wrinkle I hadn't considered Interesting. A throuple. A throuple that might be good for Panda. It takes some of the pressure off of her.

[Eddie]

Right.

[Daniel Tosh]

Okay. They're gonna dip their toes into the swinging game. There's some swingers in my neighborhood.

[Eddie]

Are there?

[Daniel Tosh]

Yep.

[Eddie]

That's great.

[Daniel Tosh]

Yeah, we hear about it. And if anybody's listening to this podcast and you know that. I know.

[Eddie]

Frightening.

[Daniel Tosh]

Yeah. A couple birthday parties recently, things started turning a little. Little weird after hours. I wasn't at the party, but I heard. I heard how things started going.

[Eddie]

You'd be the worst swinger.

[Daniel Tosh]

Swingers. All right. Good for them.

[Eddie]

We should at least meet them.

[Daniel Tosh]

We should at least. They should send us a tape. I've never gone down that road. I've never dipped my toe into those waters.

[Eddie]

Yeah, dipping your toes.

[Daniel Tosh]

It sounds fun. All right, listen, I don't know if swinging is her cup of tea, but nothing else has worked out.

[Eddie]

There you go.

[Daniel Tosh]

See you next week.