My Wife - Carly Tosh

Summary

Tosh Show Episode Summary: "My Wife - Carly Tosh"

Release Date: March 11, 2025

In this heartfelt and humorous episode of the Tosh Show, host Daniel Tosh invites his wife, Carly Hallam Tosh, to share intimate and candid moments from their life together. The episode delves into their relationship, marriage, family dynamics, and personal anecdotes, providing listeners with a genuine glimpse into the couple's world.

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1. Introduction to Carly Hallam Tosh

At 08:17, Daniel Tosh introduces Carly, highlighting her multifaceted roles as a poet, television writer, and mother. He playfully remarks on the challenge of interviewing his wife, given her vibrant personality and their shared history.

Daniel Tosh [08:17]: "This interview is going to be difficult because I find it hard to listen to the words coming out of my guest's mouth... It's my beautiful, charming, brilliant wife. Please welcome Mrs. Daniel Tosh, aka Carly."

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2. Early Life and Education

Carly opens up about her upbringing in Bonita Springs, Florida, discussing her academic achievements and decision to attend the University of Florida. She shares insights into her high school experience, including her role as valedictorian and her initial enthusiasm for staying in Florida.

Carly Hallam Tosh [09:44]: "I was thinking Tasha had the perfect life, and then I find out his wife doesn't like sandwiches. It's like saying you don't enjoy charcuterie. It's impossible."

Daniel challenges Carly's academic choices, suggesting that she might have had the potential to attend an Ivy League school. Carly acknowledges this in hindsight but emphasizes her unwavering desire to attend the University of Florida.

Carly Hallam Tosh [13:09]: "Yes. But I didn't even try. I just wanted to go to the University of Florida. I did. Early decision."

---

3. Meeting and Dating Daniel Tosh

The narrative transitions to how Daniel and Carly met during a job interview at Tosh0. Carly recounts lying about her location to secure the job, leading to their first encounter filled with awkwardness and mutual misunderstandings.

Carly Hallam Tosh [18:49]: "I went to interview at Tosh0... I was pretending like I was living in Los Angeles, but I wasn't."

Daniel humorously describes the first moment they interacted, involving his dog, Castro, disrupting Carly's interview.

Daniel Tosh [20:12]: "You don't like dogs, do you?"

Their dating phase is marked by quirky moments and Daniel's self-deprecating humor about his initial attempts to woo Carly.

Daniel Tosh [25:38]: "I think that's a good move."

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4. Marriage and Wedding Anecdotes

The couple delves into their wedding details, including their unique choice of music and the limited guest list inspired by a bet Daniel made with his friend Eddie about keeping weddings small.

Carly Hallam Tosh [35:02]: "I do. It was Gold Digger by Kanye West... I thought the DJ was fucking with me."

Daniel explains the origin of their small wedding, fulfilling the terms of his bet, and shares humorous observations about the guest list dynamics.

Daniel Tosh [32:30]: "When Eddie and I were very young, we made this bet... All our clients have to do prenups, and you can just put it on her."

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5. Family Life and Children

A significant portion of the episode is dedicated to discussing their children, including the origins of their names and their children's interests. Carly reveals insights into their son's piano lessons and daughter's enthusiasm for musicals, juxtaposed with Daniel's comedic takes on their singing abilities.

Carly Hallam Tosh [50:09]: "Our son... was the runner up name, and then that was not the runner up."

Daniel Tosh [52:03]: "He thinks he's really good. There's no way we've created a good singer."

Their parenting styles and the challenges of balancing careers with family life are explored with both sincerity and humor.

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6. Career Dynamics and Writing

Carly discusses her career trajectory, including her transition from writing for male comedians to branching out into scripted shows. She reflects on the limitations and opportunities within the writing industry, emphasizing her desire to diversify her portfolio.

Carly Hallam Tosh [38:28]: "I think I just. That was my trajectory."

Daniel Tosh [38:35]: "You're writing a script now that's inspired by the relationship between you, me, and your sister."

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7. Personal Traits and Quirks

The couple candidly discusses their personal quirks and habits, from Carly's aversion to wearing a wedding ring and medical ID bracelet to Daniel's baldness and humorous take on his own flaws. These light-hearted exchanges reveal the depth and comfort in their relationship.

Carly Hallam Tosh [27:35]: "I have stubby little fingers and when they're together I feel like smoshed and like claustrophobic."

Daniel Tosh [43:09]: "Her siblings all have cool names. Taylor, Chase, Jordan, Carly."

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8. Prenup and Financial Humor

A notable segment revolves around their prenup agreement, with Daniel sharing amusing anecdotes about its contents and Carly's interactions with her attorney. This discussion underscores the practical aspects of their marriage while maintaining a humorous tone.

Daniel Tosh [46:19]: "You just never gave him a chance. I bet he would have been more proud."

Carly Hallam Tosh [46:07]: "The prenup. Bound in leather."

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9. Reflections on Marriage and Love

Towards the end of the conversation, Daniel and Carly reflect on their nine-year marriage, expressing love, appreciation, and the unique bond they share. They discuss the inevitability of future challenges and the strength they draw from each other.

Daniel Tosh [59:11]: "You think you would remarry? I know I wouldn't remarry, but I'm old as dirt, so who cares?"

Carly Hallam Tosh [62:19]: "I think you love me more. Or you just are better at showing love maybe than I am."

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10. Passing of Their Dog Ava

In an emotional turn, Daniel shares the recent loss of their senior dog, Ava, detailing his experience and the impact on their family. Carly provides a compassionate perspective, highlighting the challenges of dealing with a beloved pet's passing.

Daniel Tosh [66:02]: "Ava, our little dog, our senior dog, was almost 15 years old. She passed away... I held her, and that's it, you know, pain free."

Carly Hallam Tosh [67:39]: "She passed away. Not the worst experience. It was definitely time."

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Conclusion

The episode wraps up with Daniel expressing gratitude towards Carly for her participation, blending humor with heartfelt moments. The couple's dynamic showcases a balance of comedic timing and genuine affection, offering listeners both laughs and emotional resonance.

Daniel Tosh [63:02]: "Well, so quick. There's no passion in this. There's no. She just laughs at me. This guys, try again."

Carly Hallam Tosh [63:05]: "Oh, okay."

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Notable Quotes:

• Daniel Tosh [08:17]: "It's my beautiful, charming, brilliant wife. Please welcome Mrs. Daniel Tosh, aka Carly."

• Carly Hallam Tosh [09:44]: "I don't believe there is such a thing as the perfect wife."

• Daniel Tosh [20:12]: "You don't like dogs, do you?"

• Carly Hallam Tosh [35:02]: "I do. It was Gold Digger by Kanye West."

• Daniel Tosh [43:09]: "Her siblings all have cool names. Taylor, Chase, Jordan, Carly."

• Daniel Tosh [46:19]: "The prenup. It's our prenup."

• Daniel Tosh [59:11]: "You think you would remarry? I know I wouldn't remarry, but I'm old as dirt, so who cares?"

• Daniel Tosh [66:02]: "Ava, our little dog, our senior dog, was almost 15 years old. She passed away."

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This episode of the Tosh Show masterfully blends humor with poignant moments, providing listeners with an authentic portrayal of Daniel and Carly Tosh's life together. From their quirky beginnings to the enduring love that sustains their marriage, the conversation is both entertaining and endearing.

Transcript

[Daniel Tosh]

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[Nikki Glaser]

She conditioned them to be monsters.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

She was telling people the Bible says she must go and kill, but actually she was taking revenge.

[Daniel Tosh]

We are all so horrified by the idea that a mother would sully her daughter in this way. Listen to Queen Havoc and her murder cult on the iHeartRadio app or wherever you get your podcasts.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Hey, it's Ryan Seacrest for Albertsons and Safeway. Spring is here, which means it's time to do some spring cleaning, because a clean home is a happy home. Now through March 25th. Shop in store or online and get great savings on all your spring cleaning essentials like Windex glass cleaner, Lysol disinfectant, spray scrubbing bubbles, bathroom cleaner, and Febreze fabric refresher. Hurry in before those deals are gone. Offer ends March 25. Promotions may vary. Restrictions apply. Visit albertsons or safeway.com for more details.

[Amica Insurance Representative]

Every day, our world gets a little more connected, but a little further apart. But then there are moments that remind us to be more human.

[Daniel Tosh]

Thank you for calling Amica Insurance. Hey, I was just in an accident.

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[Carly Hallam Tosh]

This is Nikki Glaser from the Nikki Glaser Podcast. On a more serious note, I'm still thinking about that commercial with Tom Brady and Snoop Dogg hating on each other. Because when you listen to the reasons for hating someone or something, you realize just how stupid they really are. There is too much hate in this country, and it's gotta stop. So join us at iheart and standing up to it. If you see hate, speak up. Call it out and you can learn more by following Hat's upwithhate.

[Daniel Tosh]

Do you remember the first song that was played at our wedding?

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

I do. It was Gold Digger by Kanye West.

[Daniel Tosh]

Tosh Show. Tosh Show. Pub Show. Welcome to Tosh Show. I'm Daniel Tosh, and I'm wearing a suit. But not just any suit. This was the suit that I wore on my wedding day. And it still fits. Can you believe it? Oh, yeah, double standard. There's no praise for men that stay in shape throughout their marriage. Women, oh, if they can squeeze their morphed bodies back into their dress, it's like, oh, unbelievable. But I do it. No big deal. Anyway, I'm excited. Eddie, are you excited?

[Eddie]

I'M excited. Tell the people why you're wearing the suit.

[Daniel Tosh]

I'm wearing the suit because this is going to be the week that I interview my wife. This will be the single longest podcast episode we have ever put out. Now, how do I know it's the longest? Well, because I've lived with this woman, and I have an idea that even if the conversation doesn't time out to be the longest, it will certainly feel like it.

[Eddie]

Oh, okay.

[Daniel Tosh]

But I'm excited, and I know the fans are excited. You keep telling me this is the one guest they want overwhelmingly. And it's so weird, because when you meet her, you're just like, I don't get it.

[Eddie]

I don't know. That's true.

[Daniel Tosh]

But no, no, no, no. She's an acquired taste.

[Eddie]

All right, let's jump to the comments. Wonder what gift Tosh will give his wife if she comes on the show.

[Daniel Tosh]

I'll give her the gift of listening to her for an hour. Huh? Bada bing, bada boom. I'm gonna give. I'll tell you what I'm gonna give her. I'm gonna give her. I'm not, you know, no spoilers here, but, hey, you know, it's a. It's. I think I knocked it out of the park.

[Eddie]

I was thinking Tasha had the perfect life, and then I find out his wife doesn't like sandwiches. It's like saying you don't enjoy charcuterie. It's impossible.

[Daniel Tosh]

Yeah, no, I certainly don't have the perfect life or the perfect wife. But you know what? Not bad. I don't believe there is such a thing as the perfect wife. Unless you're married to Margot Robbie or any of those thick bitches on Instagram. Yeah, now she doesn't like sandwiches. It is confusing, and we get in fights about it constantly. Because I love a sandwich. She likes a salad, but she doesn't get excited about it. But she'll eat the salad.

[Eddie]

She's got a bread issue.

[Daniel Tosh]

I mean, I find it maddening how much she hates sandwiches, but she does love charcuterie. Oh, she loves a charcuterie board. This bitch will eat cheese all day and night. Just loves cheese.

[Eddie]

Are you saving your wife Carly's interview for the season finale?

[Daniel Tosh]

Ooh, that would be a good idea, but we don't do seasons, okay? We do options. And currently, we're in the middle of option two.

[Eddie]

When you interview your wife, I want you both to ask questions to each other.

[Daniel Tosh]

That is a terrible suggestion, and we will not do that. This is my show now. If she gets a podcast. I won't go on it.

[Eddie]

Not going to be a guest.

[Daniel Tosh]

There's no chance. And I don't want anybody accusing me of being a cradle robber because while my wife is much younger, she is no longer young. Enjoy.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Hey, it's Ryan Seacrest for Albertsons and Safeway. Spring is here, which means it's time to do some spring cleaning. Because a clean home is a happy Home now. Through March 25th. Shop in store or online and get great savings on all your spring cleaning essentials like Windex Glass cleaner, Lysol Disinfectant, spray Scrubbing Bubbles bathroom cleaner and Febreze fabric Refresher. Hurry in before those deals are gone. Offer ends March 25th. Promotions may vary. Restrictions apply. Visit albertsons or safeway.com for details.

[Daniel Tosh]

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[Amica Insurance Representative]

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[Nikki Glaser]

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[Daniel Tosh]

Paw Show. This interview is going to be difficult because I find it hard to listen to the words coming out of my guest's mouth, but the fans have demanded this. She's a poet, a television writer, and a former employee who became a potential HR nightmare before becoming the mother of my children. It's my beautiful, charming, brilliant wife. Please welcome Mrs. Daniel Tosh, aka Carly.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Hi.

[Daniel Tosh]

Have you ever been called Mrs. Daniel Tosh?

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Probably at our wedding. No, maybe not, because they were speaking.

[Daniel Tosh]

Italian and no one knew what they were saying.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Yeah.

[Daniel Tosh]

Be honest. Before you were asked to be a guest on the show, were you aware that I have a podcast?

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Yes, I hear you. Editing at all hours. Different, like, corners of the house.

[Daniel Tosh]

Editing? There's no editing on this show. Oh, this is just one conversation. Now. You are Carly Hallam Tosh, but your maiden name was Carly Elizabeth Hallam.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Yes.

[Daniel Tosh]

Why did you change your name?

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Because I was young.

[Daniel Tosh]

You wouldn't have changed it now.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

I don't know. I don't know if I've become more of a feminist or if I just think what I thought then, which was like, oh, we want to have the same names, like, as our kids and everything like that. Maybe I feel less strongly about that now. I still kind of go between both names. I would say that was rude. Al is my last name.

[Daniel Tosh]

You're telling me that just the novelty of having my last name has worn off? By the way, Hallam on paper reads like you're anti American.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Yes. I did have a. Actually, a poetry teacher in college who, when she called roll, she would say Carly Eliz Alam. Like that.

[Daniel Tosh]

I don't know if you're supposed to do that voice.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

This is an impression, right?

[Daniel Tosh]

Well, that's what impressions are. They're. They're. They're cancelable. Not in this administration.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Let me say. Wait, let me just say that I felt uncomfortable when she did it, and I was like, but am I gonna correct her and tell her, like, no, say it. Way more Florida white trashy.

[Daniel Tosh]

It's Hallam. Hallam, not Hallam.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Hallam is not the way.

[Daniel Tosh]

Beautiful name, by the way. Are you the loudest person you know?

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Maybe. Besides our children.

[Daniel Tosh]

I mean, this has gotta be piercing to some of our listeners. I feel like you're purposely not trying to scream today.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Well, you just haven't got me Riled up yet?

[Daniel Tosh]

Yeah. I mean, she's really loud, Dylan. You're gonna have to be quick on the. On the trigger over there. Get your ears blasted off. Her voice really just. It's piercing and it travels. I actually hesitated to interview you because I am terrified to find out the answer to some of the questions that have been written. All right, here we go. Do you believe in ghosts?

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

I do not.

[Daniel Tosh]

I know you've never believed in ghost, have you?

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

No.

[Daniel Tosh]

But you used to be very spiritual.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Yes. Yes, I did go to church. I'm afraid to answer these questions.

[Daniel Tosh]

Why?

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Just. I don't know.

[Daniel Tosh]

Because, you know, my mom's listening. Your family?

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Both of our families, yes. Many, many Sundays spent in church. Not with your family meetings, that youth group. We always went to church growing up.

[Daniel Tosh]

No, you didn't.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Ccucc? Community Congregational United Church of Christ.

[Daniel Tosh]

You went with your friend's family that was actually religious.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Jen Schemacha's dad was the pastor, but my whole family went there.

[Daniel Tosh]

I thought your family didn't go. Your dad stayed. Mm. Doesn't seem like your dad says that.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Nah, he was there. He doesn't have a great memory.

[Daniel Tosh]

Nope. No, he doesn't. Did you know growing up that you'd never stay in Florida?

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Maybe not until high school. Before that, I thought Florida was amazing. I was like, full gung ho, Florida. And then I remember it kind of, like occurring to me that people outside of Florida didn't think Florida was as fascinating as everyone inside of Florida thought it was. Even, like, studying abroad. I remember people being like, where are you from? And I was like, florida. And I sort of, like, waited for a reaction.

[Daniel Tosh]

You thought it was cool, right?

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

And then, like, the Italians on the bus would be like, Disney.

[Daniel Tosh]

When I lived in St. Louis, Missouri, and my parents told us that we were moving to Florida, I cried, okay? I sobbed. As a sixth grader, I sobbed, and I'm like, they're pussies. They can't handle the cold. Like, I was just like, this is miserable. I cannot believe we're having to go to Florida. That's where old people die when you're in it.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

That's not how you. No.

[Daniel Tosh]

Then I moved to Florida, and I loved it, too, you know, until I started the allergies and all of that nonsense. So you were born in Florida? You were born in Stewart?

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Yes.

[Daniel Tosh]

Did your father force you to go to uf?

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

No. It was the only place I applied, the only place I wanted to go, because I grew up going there, going to the games.

[Daniel Tosh]

But you were the valedictorian of your high school?

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Yes.

[Daniel Tosh]

You don't think you could have? UF is a great public school, but don't you think you could have gotten into, like, a fancy Ivy League school?

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

In hindsight, yeah. Yes, probably. But I didn't even try. I just wanted to go to the University of Florida. I did. Early decision.

[Daniel Tosh]

Could have your dad afforded you going to Harvard?

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

I mean, not without some assistance.

[Daniel Tosh]

I think he would have made it happen. You just never gave him a chance. I bet he would have been more proud. You don't think he'd have been more proud bragging about Harvard than he is? Oh, look.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

But he likes. He loves to be able to say how many family members went to uf.

[Daniel Tosh]

I know. Your youngest brother is the only one that failed him. And then he's always talking about his tombstone. Like, three out of four ain't bad. He wants to write that on. It's just the dumbest thing I've ever heard. Now, you. You have a great relationship with your father and mother.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Yes.

[Daniel Tosh]

Who do you. Who are you more partial to?

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

I love them both.

[Daniel Tosh]

Yeah, but you and your mother are like an unhealthy.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

I talk to my mom more every single day. No, I don't talk to her every single day.

[Daniel Tosh]

You talk to your mom constantly.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

I talk to my mom often.

[Daniel Tosh]

Have you ever called your father?

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

I call him from time to time.

[Daniel Tosh]

No, you don't.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Yeah, it's rare.

[Daniel Tosh]

Who.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Right.

[Daniel Tosh]

Who calls your father more, me or you?

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Yeah, probably you. You might call them both more. I mean, we FaceTime them now and just like.

[Daniel Tosh]

Right.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

The whole family talks.

[Daniel Tosh]

We FaceTime on my phone because I got the. Plus, I got the bigger phone. Yeah, that's more FaceTime. Also, you let the kids walk around with the phones. I don't ever let them touch my phone. If the kid touches my phone, I go, don't touch my phone. Can't stand kids touching the phone. Drives me nuts. Who do you like more, my mom or my dad?

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

It's impossible to choose.

[Daniel Tosh]

I think my dad says, I love you to you more than I've ever heard him say I love you to me in my entire life.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Yeah, you just. You. The picture you have painted of him is not the. Not the Dan I know.

[Daniel Tosh]

Right? You met my father once. He got to an age where he just became an old softie and, you know, he's just a happy, content, retired man.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

And your mom? We just send them pictures of the kids, and she writes back the exact same thing every time, which is thank you for sending.

[Daniel Tosh]

Eh, that's not funny. But it is what she says.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Funny response.

[Daniel Tosh]

By the way, why do you bleed so much?

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

I'm disease ridden.

[Daniel Tosh]

You don't wear your medical ID bracelet?

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

No. That's not good.

[Daniel Tosh]

When did you stop wearing your medical ID bracelet?

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Maybe high school. I had for a while I had like, an embarrassing, like, silver chain one with, like, a snake that was red just so, like, everyone in elementary and middle school would know I was weird. And then in high school, I found this website where they did, like, fancy medic alert bracelets. And I ordered, like, a beaded one. And I thought that was cool for a while. Cooler than the other one. But then it was just like, everybody always asks you about it.

[Daniel Tosh]

Well, you hate talking about it.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

I hate talking about it. It's not that interesting.

[Daniel Tosh]

You say it's not interesting, but. But yet it consumes our life constantly.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

That's fair. Not because it's interesting, because it's annoying. And it's just like a thing. That's all.

[Daniel Tosh]

Explain to people you have Von Willebrand's disease. Yes. Von Willebrand's, type 2 severe.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Yep.

[Daniel Tosh]

I have it all on my phone for when shit goes down. When we get the inevitable car accident, I gotta, like, tell who's ever trying to save you. Like, she needs humate pee.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Yes.

[Daniel Tosh]

How was your first period?

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

It was bad, very bad. My first period just kept going forever.

[Daniel Tosh]

And then they shut you down for the rest of your life?

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Yeah. Then I started taking a couple birth control pills a day. Like three or four.

[Daniel Tosh]

Oh, that's cool.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

It was really cool. You want to be in high school taking a lot of birth control pills?

[Daniel Tosh]

I mean, I'll be honest, if I got wind of it, if I was in high, I would be like, that's the girl.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

That's her. Yeah. She is impossible to impregnate.

[Daniel Tosh]

Right. You think that whenever I call your name, explain to people the inflection.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

There's just one inflection, so it's impossible to know if you're mad at me. Also, our dog's name is Carl. So just around the house, it's like, Carly, Carl. And like, sometimes I'll come running into the room and I'll think, like, our child is, like, bleeding on the floor. And you'll be like, did you see the last shot that Djokovic made? Like, it's like just nothing important whatsoever but, like a scream.

[Daniel Tosh]

Why weren't you watching them? You act like you wanna watch tennis with me, but you're never paying attention. That's. That's a bigger issue. Speaking of not wearing your medical ID bracelet ever, you also don't wear your wedding ring.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

I meant to put it on. That was gonna be the last thing I did before I left the house.

[Daniel Tosh]

You have any idea how much that ring cost?

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Vaguely, yeah.

[Daniel Tosh]

How about the engagement ring? You know how much that cost?

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Oh, I thought that's what we were talking about. I never wear the wedding ring.

[Daniel Tosh]

The wedding ring is just iced out too.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's cool. I could wear that more.

[Daniel Tosh]

You never wear that?

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Well, I don't really double them up because I have like stubby little fingers and when they're together I feel like smoshed and like claustrophobic and so you're.

[Daniel Tosh]

A very claustrophobic person.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Yeah, like right now I feel a.

[Daniel Tosh]

Little bit claustrophobic sometimes. Like she'll just panic and have to start like run. She has to run to her closet to take off her clothes. Cause she's freaking out at the closure. By the way, just talking about it, I probably could induce claustrophobia. Yet. You're wearing a wetsuit top today. So that's interesting.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

It's cute though, right?

[Daniel Tosh]

Oh, you look beautiful.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Thanks.

[Daniel Tosh]

Okay, tell everybody how we met. Because like all great love stories, it involves a 20 somethings job interview with three middle aged men. By the way, I resent the jokey question because I wasn't middle aged. I was 32. Anyway, go on. How do we meet?

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Okay. I went to interview at Tosh0. At the time I was secretly living in Florida. I was pretending like I was living in Los Angeles, but I wasn't.

[Daniel Tosh]

So you immediately lied to us?

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

It all started with a lie? Yes. And I went to the interview and there were two Scots.

[Daniel Tosh]

You're starting to hear a voice now. It's starting to pick up. Right? We're getting it. All right, go on.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

I thought I was doing well in the interview. Like I was trying to be.

[Daniel Tosh]

Was I in the interview the whole time?

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Not there? No.

[Daniel Tosh]

Okay.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Just me and two Scots. And I was answering the questions, kind of funny and whatever, blah, blah, blah. And then you walked in with like this dark cloud over you. You were wearing a beanie. I remember exactly your vibe. You were like just mad when you walked in the room.

[Daniel Tosh]

I'm at work. Who the fuck is happy at work? Everybody wants people to be always chipper all the time. It's just annoying.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Anyway, all right, so like I inconvenienced you by you coming in, so you come in and you're Holding Castro. And you sit down in the corner.

[Daniel Tosh]

My beautiful RIP Castro, my wonderful dog. Oh, man. Okay. I was holding Castro.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Okay. Castro jumps out of your lap and like runs over and jumps into mine. But I was like in the middle of answering a question.

[Daniel Tosh]

Oh, I'm sure it was helpful.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

So I didn't really, like, acknowledge Castro. And I just kept going and whatever. And then like, you know, a couple sentences later.

[Daniel Tosh]

No more sentences.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Whatever. A few words later.

[Daniel Tosh]

30 minutes later. 30 minutes later, I said I. My first thing out of my mouth.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Yes. This is the first time you talked.

[Daniel Tosh]

This is the first time I spoke.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

I said, you don't like dogs.

[Daniel Tosh]

You don't like dogs, do you?

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Uh huh. With like that face.

[Daniel Tosh]

Yep. Yeah, because I. Because Castro was just being so sweet and she like, literally, like wouldn't even put a hand, like, not even pet his head.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

I was focusing on my interview. Listen, I also am not a person that's like, oh, your dog. I want to pet it.

[Daniel Tosh]

Right.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

I don't care.

[Daniel Tosh]

And I'm like, other people's dogs. This lady who's lying about where she lives. You're telling the story of the first time we met at the job interview. I could have sworn we met at Dane Cook's game night when you were 11 years old. Wouldn't that be funny? By the way, you leave the interview and we have this conversation and maybe, I don't know, was it hours later or a day later that you wrote a letter to us?

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

I wrote an email, like a thank you for the interview. And then I attached an apology letter.

[Daniel Tosh]

To Castro, to my dog, for not liking him.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

And I said, please pass this along. Actually found that letter the other day.

[Daniel Tosh]

Did you really? Oh, that's cute.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

It said like, I liked your fur. I hope you found some things that you liked about me too. It was written like, dog level.

[Daniel Tosh]

First of all, he doesn't. Havanese don't have fur. They have hair.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Yeah.

[Daniel Tosh]

And I found, I was like, I was like this. I go give her the job. That's funny. I don't care if somebody doesn't like, like my. My dog. Fast forward. You were next to Castro as they were injecting poison into him 10 years later from that image almost to the day.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Yes. And I was bawling because I loved Castro.

[Daniel Tosh]

Uh huh.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

He was. Yeah, he was cow.

[Daniel Tosh]

And they killed him. He slept on your face every night of his life.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Yeah.

[Daniel Tosh]

You really want the fans of this show to just embrace you? Tell everybody how much you hate Carl?

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

I find him very obnoxious. I don't hate him. He's sweet. But the barking is, like, it's too much for me.

[Daniel Tosh]

You were interviewing. People don't know this about Tosh0. The reason Tosh0 was create or the reason that Comedy Central wanted the show to exist was because they wanted their website to have a presence. They wanted to compete with Funny or Die. And they were getting no traffic. So they're like. They basically, like, the TV show was its own thing that was kind of cheap and crappy, which it was. And they're like, but we want you guys to have this blog that people actually travel to. So you were in charge of all the content and creating the blog, and you made it hugely successful.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Yeah. This is when blogs were big.

[Daniel Tosh]

When blogs were big.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Yeah.

[Daniel Tosh]

So you were hired and you had lied. You were in Florida, and so then you quickly moved.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

I was at Iguana Mia.

[Daniel Tosh]

What's that?

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Bonita Springs. It's a Mexican restaurant.

[Daniel Tosh]

Oh, nice.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Bill Wright called me. Probably nachos. Bill Wright called. I walked outside, and he was like, it was a Wednesday. And he was like, can you start tomorrow? And I was like, tomorrow, I am busy, but I can start on Monday. And I was freaking out because I did not live in Los Angeles. I lived in Bonita Springs.

[Daniel Tosh]

He said, hey, the money is bad.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

And he goes, yeah, the money is bad. But then he said, it must have been 700, I don't know.

[Daniel Tosh]

Right? And I went, what? And you thought it was the most.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

So much money to me. Yeah.

[Daniel Tosh]

So green. You were so green.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

And I walked back inside, and I was like, I got a job. I have to move to Los Angeles in the next three days.

[Daniel Tosh]

Now, the first few years that you worked there, I don't think I ever spoke to you.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

We didn't speak.

[Daniel Tosh]

Yeah. I don't mix business and pleasure. That's not my.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

There was one time when we were at a meeting, I was sitting on the floor, and there was a poster of Julia Roberts on the floor next to me. And you went out of nowhere, in the middle of the meeting, you went, you're prettier than Julia Roberts. But in, like, a really awkward, weird way that might have been the first time he ever talked to me. I was like, okay.

[Daniel Tosh]

It was just like, you know, you're looking at this movie star. There's a big, big photo of this movie star that. And. And you were right. Sitting next to her. I was like, look at this. Like, you're prettier than that movie star. But anyway, that's probably Inappropriate. I probably shouldn't have said something like that. But yet you were still in a room full of dudes. And then you became a writer on the show. You wrote on the show. And then we started dating Secretly. We secretly dated. And then you immediately. Or not immediately, but you basically just quit.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

What? So much time passed. You fast forwarded, like a year at least a year.

[Daniel Tosh]

Okay, a year.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

I think we secretly dated for a full year.

[Daniel Tosh]

But then you quit. Why did you quit?

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Because I wanted to go write on a scripted show.

[Daniel Tosh]

And you went over to Andy Samberg's show.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

I did Brooklyn Nine. Nine.

[Daniel Tosh]

Is what we did wrong or is dating? Were we not allowed to date each other?

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

I think no, we weren't allowed, but it was such a small office and so many people were dating. But probably mine was the worst, obviously, since you were the host.

[Daniel Tosh]

When you say we weren't allowed, what does that mean? I don't understand.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

I guess they didn't want the.

[Daniel Tosh]

I get that. They don't want it.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

And you're supposed to, like, report it to HR or something. I don't know.

[Daniel Tosh]

Who's supposed to report it?

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

The people in the relationship.

[Daniel Tosh]

But then you can. But then they say, okay, you can date.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

I'm not sure what the actual rules are, but you're not allowed. But then a lot of marriages and babies came out of that, you know, so forget that.

[Daniel Tosh]

I'm just. In general, when people say you're not supposed to date somebody at work, I'm like, well, I don't go out at night, so I don't get to meet somebody.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Yeah, I know. We all spend all of our time together. That's why it's hard not to end up dating somebody.

[Daniel Tosh]

How many times have you seen me shit myself?

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Quite a few.

[Daniel Tosh]

Early on. On one of our first dates?

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Yes.

[Daniel Tosh]

On one of our first dates, I had a slam on the brakes on the PCH and just run down a cliff. And then I came back and, like, I had. I didn't have any underwear and I didn't have a shirt anymore.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

And then you rolled down the windows and you were like, we're not talking about it. And you, like, drove back home.

[Daniel Tosh]

But even before that, one of our very first dates, I said, hey, I need.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

That was our first date.

[Daniel Tosh]

What's that?

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

When you said that you were feeling sick.

[Daniel Tosh]

Yes.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Yes. That was our first date. Yeah.

[Daniel Tosh]

I said, oh, I'm feeling sick. I think we should get going. And we went home and then I excused myself, went to the bathroom, and then I came back and and then.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

You, like, started making out with me, right?

[Daniel Tosh]

And you're like, I thought you were sick.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Yeah.

[Daniel Tosh]

And I go, you don't know what sick means.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

But no one else says that. No one else is like, I'm feeling sick. That means I have, like, horrible diarrhea. I've never heard anyone say that.

[Daniel Tosh]

Besides. Well, it sounds way better than. I didn't know you well enough to be like, I have horrible diarrhea. I just said, oh, my. I just don't. Oh, I don't feel well. I don't. But then I felt fine. I was ready to go.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

One time, somewhat recently, I went to go walk into the garage.

[Daniel Tosh]

No, you don't need to share that. Who is the best lover you've ever been with?

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

You. Of course.

[Daniel Tosh]

You're the only person I've ever been with, so that's.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

That's so sweet.

[Daniel Tosh]

Yeah. You wish I would be a little more, like, let people know just how strong our love is.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

No, thank you.

[Daniel Tosh]

You want to make out on camera? I think people would be able to tell, like, our chemistry and our passion.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Yeah, probably.

[Daniel Tosh]

If we were to make out.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Yeah, I bet.

[Daniel Tosh]

You think about it.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Okay.

[Daniel Tosh]

You think about it. The offer's on the table. And as people of this. No, I don't like to put things on this table, but I would love to throw you up on this table in a fit of passion. Maybe at the end, just make out with you. What is your worst quality?

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

My worst quality?

[Daniel Tosh]

What do you think? I think is your worst quality?

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Worst, because I can think of a bunch. But to pick one that is the worst.

[Daniel Tosh]

Well, I'll give you a hint. It's physical.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

My posture.

[Daniel Tosh]

Yep.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

That was actually gonna be what I said, but then I was like, certainly there's something worse than my posture.

[Daniel Tosh]

No, there's not.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Which is excellent.

[Daniel Tosh]

It's great right now. I've never. First of all, I've never seen you look so pretty with your hair so pretty dressed up. I mean, it's just so rare when I look like at home, you wear the same.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

I love a pair of sweatpants.

[Daniel Tosh]

The grossest sweatpants. Every day of your life. And then you force me. I have to. Like a lot of relationships. It's like we have. Once a month, we have date night. Some couples do it once a week. Now, here's what I do. I wait until the end of the year at about, you know, December, and I'm like, oh, hey, we need to go out 12 times.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Yeah. The once a month thing hasn't really worked.

[Daniel Tosh]

No, I didn't. I don't. I don't. I don't. Don't put. Don't shackle me.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

I just want you to want to take me out, you know, without the once a month thing.

[Daniel Tosh]

Do you guys. Do you guys date? You have date night?

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Well, I have three dates.

[Eddie]

Not like a specific night.

[Daniel Tosh]

You don't have. Eddie doesn't have a date night. You two. Dylan, you've been married for six minutes. You already have a fucking. And you're forced to go on date nights. Not forced.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Oh, how romantic.

[Daniel Tosh]

Jeez. Okay, but so do you do it once a week? Two times a month? You don't have kids? Fuck off.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Yes.

[Daniel Tosh]

Seriously. I mean, I like to go out with you. Don't get me wrong. It's fun. I like to go to a restaurant.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

You do make it sound like a chore.

[Daniel Tosh]

I don't know, it's just. Well, once you say I have to do it, it's like the dentist is like, oh, every six months, I have to do this. Your posture's your worst quality. And then not physical. Your voice. And then your name.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Oh, yeah. You don't like the name Carly?

[Daniel Tosh]

Yeah, I was like, carly. Well, I think What's.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

You think? My siblings names are cool and not bad.

[Daniel Tosh]

Her siblings all have cool names. Taylor, Chase, Jordan, Carly. If you were. If you were to give me that seems like the example question on the SATs.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Which one doesn't belong?

[Daniel Tosh]

Which one of these names is batshit stupid?

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Mm.

[Daniel Tosh]

I mean, I'm not saying Daniel's a good name. Although. Although it's biblical. Is Carly biblical?

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

I believe I'm named after Carly Simon.

[Daniel Tosh]

Oh, it's kind of cool. I didn't know that. Do you remember when we first started dating, at the end of meals, what I used to do to gross you out?

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Put your hand into the food. And then just, like, I used to just stick it in your mouth.

[Daniel Tosh]

I used to just put my hands all in the food, like, when I was finished and just start working.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Yeah. You would do that, like, around my family. Yeah.

[Daniel Tosh]

It's such a funny bit. I have stopped doing it. I gotta bring the bit back now that I have children.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Yeah. Honestly, they would lose their mind. Yeah.

[Daniel Tosh]

So at the end of meals, like, we would be at a restaurant, and I'd be like, are you finished with that? And she'd be like, yeah. And like, let's just. I can't. Let's say she had shrimp and grits. I would just take my hands and put them in the grits and just Start going like this and just sit and keep talking to her. And she would just be like, what in the h is happening? Ah, that was fun times. That was a good bit.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Do you remember when we were at Chillada, we ordered the golden bags?

[Daniel Tosh]

By the way, Rip Cholada burnt down in the last fire. It was a Thai place that we used to go to, like a little beach shack.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Very cute.

[Daniel Tosh]

Very cute. I hope they rebuild it. Anyway, what were you saying about it?

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

We ordered these appetizers called golden bags, and they were like a little fried bag that looked like kind of like a knapsack. And you stuck a toothpick in one, and you stuck it over your shoulder, and you were like, I'm waiting for my ride. And I was like, I have to marry this weirdo. Like, what's happening?

[Daniel Tosh]

I had a little bindle.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

It was like, the dumbest thing I've ever seen anyone do.

[Daniel Tosh]

I was a little hobo with my little Thai bindle.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

In fairness.

[Daniel Tosh]

I appreciate you remembering that, but those things look so stupid.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

They look like little knapsacks.

[Daniel Tosh]

Yeah. You remember when we first started dating and you asked me, I was doing some of your laundry, like, hey, don't dry that one shirt. And I sent you a photo, and I had taken all my fingernail and toenail clippings and wrote I love you on the shirt as I was making sure that I didn't dry it.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Yeah. You were definitely the strangest person I've ever dated.

[Daniel Tosh]

No, it was romantic. I got that. Still, how long have we been married?

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Nine years. This'll be nine years.

[Daniel Tosh]

I think that's good that you and I together, because we never. People like, how long have you been married? I'm like, I have no idea. And that's not something that would ever upset you. That I have no idea, because I know that you barely know.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

I think the other day I said the date wrong.

[Daniel Tosh]

It's the 17th.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

17Th? Yeah.

[Daniel Tosh]

Of April.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

I said the 16th.

[Daniel Tosh]

17Th.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

That's not our anniversary. Yep.

[Daniel Tosh]

Right? I know when it was, ah, such a magical day. Do you know about the bet Eddie and I made?

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Yeah. That you would have fewer than 20 people. 20.

[Daniel Tosh]

Okay. So when Eddie and I were very young, we made this bet. He's like, there's no. I said, I go, when I get married, I'm ne. Cause Eddie had two weddings. He had one on the east coast and one in Vegas. And I said, when I get married, there's no way I'm gonna have more than 20 people. And he's like, all Right. I'll take that action. And he bet me five grand. Right? It was five grand. It was a lot of money, even back then for us. This is way before I ever had a show or anything like that. Anyway, fast forward to us. We were engaged, and I said to you, hey, if you could get married anywhere in the world, but we only had, like, a dozen people, would that offset it? And you were like, yep, if we can do Italy. And I was like, boom, cha ching.

[Eddie]

That is a good move.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Your motivations are so. Your motivations.

[Daniel Tosh]

No, it wasn't. I'll be honest with you. I forgot about the bet.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

No, you did not. I remember this conversation, like, right after that. I think we talked about a castle in Ireland or something.

[Daniel Tosh]

We did.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

And then we started looking at villas in Italy. And then you immediately told me that, like, it had to be fewer than 20 people.

[Daniel Tosh]

Yeah, I don't. I mean, I don't think that's a bad move, guys. I had to make sure Eddie lost. Anybody you would have wanted to leave off the invite list?

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Nope.

[Daniel Tosh]

Anybody you'd like to add?

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Yeah. I mean, Sam wasn't there, which is baffling.

[Daniel Tosh]

Pete's wife.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Yeah.

[Daniel Tosh]

Wasn't there. Well, listen, you had to make some tough choices, and it was fun watching you make them. I didn't get to bring my brother or my sisters. Yeah, I mean, you nixed all my family.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

No, that's not true.

[Daniel Tosh]

My mom and dad. That's the only ones that got to come, by the way. Just because you got to come to the wedding, too, you didn't actually get to come to the wedding itself.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Yes.

[Daniel Tosh]

Then there was a smaller group of the 15 or 16 people that actually watched us exchange vows.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

I got in trouble for that.

[Daniel Tosh]

From who? Doesn't matter who didn't get who. Of your party.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

I think people were, like, taken aback.

[Daniel Tosh]

I used to be a monster, because in the beginning, Carly would, like. She would just let me do some of my crazy stuff, and now she just runs the house. Do you remember the first song that was played at our wedding?

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

I do. It was Gold Digger by Kanye West. And I thought the DJ was fucking with me.

[Daniel Tosh]

The Nazi. The Nazi Kanye west song was. The first song at our wedding was Gold Digger. And what was your. What was your thought?

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

I mean, I thought that the DJ was kind of, like, fucking with me. Like, it felt like he was making, like, a statement about what he thought was going on.

[Daniel Tosh]

Did he play the whole song?

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Yeah, but, I mean, it's a good song. So we were all, like, dancing to it. And this is like pre Nazi, you know, so we all had fun, but the whole time I was like, why would this be your pick as the very first song at our wedding? Like, I mean, this is after like slow dance. But the first like dance song was like. So like.

[Daniel Tosh]

But did you pick the songs for the wedding?

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

No, I think I just said like American pop music or something.

[Daniel Tosh]

Now, had you not married me, who would have been your second pick at the office for you to have a long term relationship?

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Eddie.

[Daniel Tosh]

Eddie was married?

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Yeah. That's why I went for you.

[Daniel Tosh]

You would have broke up his marriage. You think you could have infiltrated. Interesting. Talk about the time Lena Dunham made you cry.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

The time Lena Dunham made me cry, yeah.

[Daniel Tosh]

Do you remember this?

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

I don't know.

[Daniel Tosh]

Okay, then I'll tell the story. Lena Dunham was on watch what happens live or whatever, the Bravo show, and she was asked who the most misogynistic person in Hollywood is. Something to that effect. Right. And then she like, you know, kind of was. I don't know what she said exactly, but at one point she was like, daniel Tosh, not a Harvey Weinstein who's in jail for. She said me. Now the reason that she said me was because there was a joke on our show around the time that this came out that made fun of her boobs or something like that. And this is what I want to bring up. You were crying because you were like, how do you think it makes me feel to know that I'm dating somebody that thinks you're the most misogynistic person in Hollywood? And I was laughing. I was like, well, I'm not the most misogynistic person in Hollywood. The guy that's in jail for raping people, that guy has to be worse. Right? The point that I want to. I didn't watch girls. You loved that show.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Yeah.

[Daniel Tosh]

You wrote the joke.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

I wrote the joke.

[Daniel Tosh]

You wrote the joke that made her say. And I just say the joke. So the point is, you're the most misogynistic man in Hollywood according to Lena Dunham, who, by the way, didn't she write a book? And wasn't there a chapter about her molesting her sister or something?

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Yeah.

[Daniel Tosh]

Yeah. Well, so anyway, I don't know why you got upset by that. Am I misogynistic?

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

No, no. I think she would be interested to know that, like your whole team is women.

[Daniel Tosh]

I don't think she'd be interested in anything about me, but I wish her the best. And I've never Watched girls. Let's go back to your career for a second. You've always written for male comedians.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Yeah.

[Daniel Tosh]

Because you're not. You're not like a. You're not a. One of the guys, you know, they always think that are, like, comedy writers. Like, oh, yeah. Or, you know, like, the hot chick, she's like, I'm never. I can't be friends with girls. That's not you. No, no, you're not. All you have is just tons and tons of girlfriends, but yet you write comedy for, like, dudes.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

I think I just. That was my trajectory.

[Daniel Tosh]

Are you saying that you. That wouldn't be your. Your specialty? You could branch out?

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Yeah, I'm trying to branch out. I could branch out, but I think, yeah, people saw my resume and thought, like, oh, she can write this type of joke. And that's how I got certain jobs. Yes.

[Daniel Tosh]

You're writing a script now that's inspired by the relationship between you, me, and your sister.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Yeah.

[Daniel Tosh]

Are you going to have to soften that? Like, if somebody right now were to be like, we're gonna buy this script, Carly, and it's gonna be on the air tomorrow, would you have to have a sit down with your sister to be like, okay, we need to talk.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

These are fictional characters. One of them vaguely resembles you. One me, and one my sister. They're not us.

[Daniel Tosh]

I'm not upset by any of the portrayals of me, am I?

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Everyone is right and everyone is wrong. That's, you know.

[Daniel Tosh]

Oh, brother.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

It's great.

[Daniel Tosh]

Who would be a perfect cast to play my role?

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Well, I was trying to pitch Dave Franco the other day.

[Daniel Tosh]

Dave Franco?

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Yeah.

[Daniel Tosh]

Is that a good get?

[Eddie]

I think so.

[Daniel Tosh]

Yeah, I think so too.

[Eddie]

You must be the hero.

[Daniel Tosh]

You wrote for Cedric the Entertainer, too, now? I wanted to play f. Marry. Kill with the people that you've worked for. Andy Samberg, Cedric the Entertainer, myself. We know that you married me. So which one of the other two do you want to make sweet love to?

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Cedric's a cool guy. I like him.

[Daniel Tosh]

Okay, Cedric it is. That means Andy gets the ax.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Yeah.

[Daniel Tosh]

Speaking of axe, nobody ever wants to fucking hear their wife tell them about their dreams. It's just nonsense. Okay? My wife has the most psychotic nightmares. Like, she dreams all the time. I had to take an ax and split a guy's head open.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

This is only when I'm pregnant. No, mostly when I'm pregnant. Mostly.

[Daniel Tosh]

Okay, fine, Mostly when you're pregnant. But regardless, you have serial killer dreams where you do horrible, violent things to people. Yeah, I've Never even cracked open a book to see if that means something.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

I think that's why Stacy gave me the Book of Dreams. She was haunted by the dream. I told her.

[Daniel Tosh]

What kind of dreams? I mean, honestly, how often do you have those? Those murders?

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Like, no, really. When I'm pregnant, though, I would always be, like, running from someone, but I would have, like, a weapon. And then I would have to, like, kill someone. In my dream, it happened a lot.

[Daniel Tosh]

Yeah, but, like, not just kill them. Like, kill them in a violent way.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

A violent way.

[Daniel Tosh]

I would always ask, like, will you wake up before you do it? And she's like, no, no. I'm just chopping their head open. And I'm just, like, disgusting.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Yeah.

[Daniel Tosh]

Speaking of things that disgust me about you that you do. When you were talking about taking birth control, the way you take a pill, it's deep. I don't get it. Some people, you know, like, oh, I don't take pills very well. But for her, it doesn't. By the way, it's not just pills. I'm gonna. I'll point. She has to take the pill and place it in the back of her throat. Like, she literally, like, if this goes like this, and I'm like, what are you doing?

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Well, stop watching me take pills.

[Daniel Tosh]

Okay. But. Okay, so here's the thing. That's how you eat too. Whenever you're eating, like, finger food and breaking a piece off, you don't ever just. You don't, like, pop popcorn into your mouth. You place it.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

I think I would miss. So I just gotta make sure it gets in there.

[Daniel Tosh]

Makes no sense. You're a big wine drinker. You love wine. You're constantly drinking wine.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

I'm not sure that's.

[Daniel Tosh]

Would you be happier with me if I drank?

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Happier? No. But I think it would be fun maybe to, like, share a bottle of wine from time to time. That's why I push a drink over to you. Like, hey, like the night that I wore this. I think you drank a cocktail. That was cute.

[Daniel Tosh]

And then how much diarrhea did I get later?

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

And then all night long on my birthday. Yeah, but you were in the bathroom.

[Daniel Tosh]

In fairness, she was dead asleep.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

I had no idea it was happening.

[Daniel Tosh]

Didn't matter. The Imodium wore off around 2am the tequila didn't help.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

The Caviar Seafood Tower.

[Daniel Tosh]

It was a big night. Here, let's do this. We're going to play a little game here. The Newlywed Game. Okay. What celebrity do people think you look like?

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Am I supposed to say it out Loud?

[Daniel Tosh]

Yeah. I mean, you're not in the Newlywed Game. You're supposed to write it down. But I didn't have two boards.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Okay, Rachel McAdams, that's who you think I look like, but only because of my very small breasts.

[Daniel Tosh]

Okay, Rachel McAdams, you really, really went for it there, huh?

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

I used to be told that all the time, and now I'm not, sadly, ever told that.

[Daniel Tosh]

What is my biggest pet peeve about you when you're in my car?

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

That I put the. That I either put this down or leave it down. This bitch always leaves her visor down. Yeah, it is still in my eyes. We're not the same height, so you can't see what I'm doing.

[Daniel Tosh]

I'm talking about when I turn. When I turn down a different road and it's.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

You give me, like, five seconds to put it back up. It's not, like, on my mind, like, well, we turned. I better bloop.

[Daniel Tosh]

I don't think I'm 6 4. Like, you realize that our sight lines are. When I looked at you, you're like.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

The dad that's like, turn the light off in the back. I can't see. It's like, bitch, you can still see. It's fine.

[Daniel Tosh]

Do I let my kids put the light on in the back?

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Yes, but. So let me leave the visor down.

[Daniel Tosh]

I put on a dim setting. No, that's a blind spot for me. When I look to the right.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

I don't think so. There's all kinds of cameras on the car.

[Daniel Tosh]

That's true. What's my nickname for you?

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Tuna Car Gar.

[Daniel Tosh]

Oh, that's right. It was Tuna Car. I wasn't thinking. I was gonna say bitch. I forgot. We used to call you Tuna Gar. We called you Tuna Car at work.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

We. I think it's just you. No one else. Well, maybe Joe Borden.

[Daniel Tosh]

I kept saying it was a fancy tuna. It's a compliment. Yeah.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

I don't think a woman wants to be called Tuna.

[Daniel Tosh]

Tuna Car. Car was not a bad nickname.

[Eddie]

It's so bad.

[Daniel Tosh]

That's so bad.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Can't pick your own nicknames. They just happen to.

[Daniel Tosh]

Yeah, that's bullshit. You tried to pick your own nickname when you were a kid. Yeah, she tried to get people in her school to call her Sweet and Low.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

This is true. I was sort of, like, shopping it.

[Daniel Tosh]

Around because there was a girl that came in.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

There was, like, an older girl who came to volunteer at my fourth grade class or whatever, and she was like, my name is whatever, but Everybody calls me Sweet'n Low. And I was like, oh my God, that's the coolest nickname I've ever heard. So then I was kinda like trying to ask people to start calling me Sweet'n Low. Cause I was very small. Way smaller than everyone around me.

[Daniel Tosh]

Okay, what grade did you skip?

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Second.

[Daniel Tosh]

You skipped second grade. Cause you were so smart.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

So smart.

[Daniel Tosh]

Your geography skills are questionable at best.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Not at bad.

[Daniel Tosh]

Yeah, I'll give you $1,500 right now if you can point in the direction of Florida.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Okay, wait, so we're in California. Oh my God, again?

[Daniel Tosh]

This is the valedictorian.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

That's north over there, right?

[Daniel Tosh]

No. Oh, you're not even close.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Where is Florida? Point to it.

[Daniel Tosh]

Florida's there.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

What? No, it's not.

[Daniel Tosh]

Okay, everybody that's on the show gets a gift. You know the drill. Yeah, but I was like, oh, how am I going to get her something that we have? Because it's like, am I going to just bring in her gross sweatpants and say, here, continue to wear these horrible things? But we still did it.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Okay.

[Daniel Tosh]

Still got you something interesting. There you go.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Feels like a book.

[Daniel Tosh]

Don't ruin it by guessing.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

The prenup. Bound. Bound in leather.

[Daniel Tosh]

I always joked about doing this. I was like, you know what? I'm gonna do it. So what does it say?

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

The prenup.

[Daniel Tosh]

The prenup. It's our prenup.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Oh, wow.

[Daniel Tosh]

I did it on nice paper. Do you remember looking at that thing? Did you ever actually read our prenup?

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

My attorney made me like, read some of it and she really thought I wasn't taking it seriously.

[Daniel Tosh]

You weren't?

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Yeah.

[Daniel Tosh]

I got away with murder in there.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Uh huh.

[Daniel Tosh]

Let me see this prenup. I haven't seen this video.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Funny.

[Daniel Tosh]

Oh, man.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

We can put it with the photo albums.

[Daniel Tosh]

Yeah, it's gonna be great. Oh, I thought we'd put on our coffee table. Look at that. That's legit.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

I'm trying to find something interesting. Oh, by the way, every page, Every.

[Daniel Tosh]

Page has our initials. We'd initial every page. Oh, man. So many things are in here. That's beautiful. Assign this to you. What's your name?

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Carly Hallam.

[Daniel Tosh]

Ah, no it's not. Not according to this bad boy. Here you go.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Thank you. This is very sweet.

[Daniel Tosh]

Get it off my desk. You want me to rip that book up right now and void it? The whole thing?

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Nah, it's fine.

[Daniel Tosh]

Do you think it would hold up still?

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

I don't know. I don't know how that works.

[Daniel Tosh]

I Don't either.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

She seemed very concerned that certain things were in there.

[Daniel Tosh]

Your lawyer pulled up, said, and I quote, I cannot in good faith have you sign this.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Yes. And she told me that I will become accustomed to a certain lifestyle and that if we got divorced, I would need a certain amount of money or, like, I wouldn't be able to live.

[Daniel Tosh]

My business manager forced me. They're like, all our clients have to do prenups, and you can just put it on her. I guess technically I could have said, yeah, but I'm not going to do it. But I was like, I'll do it. Whatever. Do most of your friends have prenups? They do, yeah. Is the biggest reason you don't want to divorce me because you're scared who our children would pick in court?

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

I mean, they are very partial to you.

[Daniel Tosh]

Why do you think that is? And I'm the. Who's the strict one?

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Yeah, you.

[Daniel Tosh]

I'm the strict one.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

No, it's confusing because, like, our daughter will be like, daddy, don't leave me. That's the new thing that she says. Daddy, don't leave me. Daddy, don't leave me. But you'll have just, like, yelled at her about something, and then like, daddy, don't leave me. And I'm like, I'm standing right here. Like, I will hug you and, like, pet your hair.

[Daniel Tosh]

You obviously don't know how manipulation works.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Yeah, I don't.

[Daniel Tosh]

And the thing is, I don't go anywhere. Yeah, I. I literally my entire went.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

To work one day last week. It was a very big deal in the house. I mean, I sat all day.

[Daniel Tosh]

I work after she's asleep, and then I. I come here during nap time.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

No, but you were in Vegas. You were in Vegas.

[Daniel Tosh]

I was gone for eight hours, and.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

She told me that daddy went to work. Daddy, come home. Mommy can sit and chair until Daddy, come home.

[Daniel Tosh]

When's the last time you went to one of my comedy shows?

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

I caught the tail end of it when I was in Vegas a couple months ago.

[Daniel Tosh]

All right. Does it live rent free in your mind that our son wanted to marry me instead of you?

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

I mean, I thought it was very sweet, but, yeah, there was no. He wasn't, like, waffling or anything.

[Daniel Tosh]

Who do you think our daughter wants to marry?

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Probably you.

[Daniel Tosh]

Why don't we have a nanny?

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Some combination of my FOMO on missing out on our children's lives and your refusal to trust anyone you yell at me constantly about.

[Daniel Tosh]

This is why we have to have somebody to watch our kids.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

But we Don't I know.

[Daniel Tosh]

So do you think when you get older you're gonna be like, ah, my one regret. I wish we would have had a nanny so we could have spent less time with our children?

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

I mean, I think that's probably an oversimplification of the matter, but I thought.

[Daniel Tosh]

It was a good point on my side. What were the runner up names for both of our children?

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Our son. For a while we were thinking of Otis 100%. Hold on. You were texting everyone his name or Otis his name or Otis to, like your brother.

[Daniel Tosh]

It was the made up name, was the runner up name, and then that.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Was not the runner up. You liked the name Rigsby, which is just like a combination of letters. It's not a name. And I never liked that name.

[Daniel Tosh]

But that was his alias.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

He had an alias alias at the hospital.

[Daniel Tosh]

At the hospital.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

So Otis was the one that we actually thought about naming him, that we asked people which one they like.

[Daniel Tosh]

Otis the tractor.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Yeah. We didn't have that book then.

[Daniel Tosh]

Everyone knows about Otis the Tractor with Otis the tractor. I was familiar with that. I read.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

And then our daughter's name was maybe gonna be Indigo, which I now find very funny because I think it'd be really weird if her name was Indigo. But I did. I had already purchased letters for her nursery that said Indy, and I had to give them away.

[Daniel Tosh]

Who named both of our children? Both of us?

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

You certainly named our daughter.

[Daniel Tosh]

Oh, man.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

You were, like, very aggressive about calling my stomach that. And so I eventually was like, I guess that's her name.

[Daniel Tosh]

No, that's not even true. Because you had our daughter, and for like, two days in the hospital, she still wasn't named.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

You didn't know what to name her. The night nurses.

[Daniel Tosh]

You started polling nurses.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Yeah.

[Daniel Tosh]

And the one girl I'd love for you to do an accent for her. She had some opinions.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Yeah.

[Daniel Tosh]

Our kids go to public school. Did you want our kids to go to private school?

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

I went to public school. I'm not against public school. But once I had started, like, looking into private schools, I got very excited by them because I love school and they're so nice.

[Daniel Tosh]

You're such a nerd. You've always been a nerd, and you still are a nerd. Like you. Sure. And a lot of people say they're nerds, but you don't think it's sad.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

That one day you're just like, and now I'm done learning.

[Daniel Tosh]

It's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. You were obsessed with Broadway and Musicals?

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Yes.

[Daniel Tosh]

And now you're forcing our son to have your same passion.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

It's working. I don't know if I'm forcing it. He's all about it.

[Daniel Tosh]

And you guys are. Right now the household's really big into Wicked, but you, as much as you love musicals and Broadway, have the worst singing voice possibly in the world. I can't sing at all. But together, the two of us, it's pretty bad. It's so bad. And now our son thinks he is a really good.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

He thinks he can sing.

[Daniel Tosh]

He thinks he's really good. There's no way we've created a good singer.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

No, I don't think so. By the way, he's taking piano lessons. And he told me the other day, like, that he's okay at piano, but what he's really good at is singing when he's playing the piano. And then last night, he was walking around singing Rewrite the Stars. It's sort of sounded like when I sing.

[Daniel Tosh]

I Love the Greatest Showman. People at home think, oh, you're just teasing your wife. She probably doesn't sing that big. Sing. Sing that. That big note in Wicked that people do where you're supposed to let her. Dylan, get ready. There's a note.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

It's at the end.

[Daniel Tosh]

At the end of the movie.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Hovering.

[Daniel Tosh]

Let me hear.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Okay. Goes like. Like that.

[Daniel Tosh]

It's just. How'd that feel, Dylan?

[LifeLock Representative]

It was loud.

[Daniel Tosh]

Yeah. What physical thing would you change about me?

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Do your bowels count as physical?

[Daniel Tosh]

No, that's innards.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

I'm gonna give you long hair and put it in a bunch.

[Daniel Tosh]

You hate that I've been going bald for the past 20 years.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

I don't hate it. I'm not sure how I'll feel if you. Cause, like, somewhat recently, you're like, I'm just gonna shave my head. And I was like, whoa. Let's talk about. That's your decision.

[Daniel Tosh]

Pete and Eddie are sitting right over there. You just make it sound like.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Yeah, but that's who they are. I know you with hair.

[Daniel Tosh]

Come on.

[Eddie]

What are you saying?

[Amica Insurance Representative]

Just a couple of balls.

[Daniel Tosh]

You guys are just bald, man. That's who you are.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

That's who you are. But it'd be cute if you were, like, surfer boy, you know, bun hair.

[Daniel Tosh]

I'm not. I'm 50 years old.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

That's okay in this town.

[Daniel Tosh]

I'm not 50 yet. Oh, I can't wait to be 50.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

What do you want to do for your birthday?

[Daniel Tosh]

She always wants to plan something for my birthday, and I don't Let her.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

This is a very annoying thing.

[Eddie]

Right, right.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Because then it's just going to be your birthday and it's going to feel like I didn't do anything for you since I've been trying to like, make something happen. And then I'll like throw ideas out at you and you're like, ugh, no, that was horrib. It's my birthday.

[Daniel Tosh]

That's right.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

But then we can't just. It can't just be your 50th birthday and like, we're all just like sitting around like, oh, we eat tacos.

[Daniel Tosh]

No, we're not gonna be eating tacos. I'm gonna be eating a taco.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Oh boy.

[Eddie]

Carly, I'll help you plan it.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Thank you.

[Daniel Tosh]

Uh huh. Eddie, you wanna make another bet? You wanna go double or nothing?

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

No, Eddie, we will be planning a birthday. Even if it's just a dinner or something.

[Daniel Tosh]

Yeah, I don't think anything special is gonna happen. I'll let you know though, I got.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Some ideas because like, it's fun to surprise people, but not you make it like, oh, you've really inconvenienced me by like surprising me with something.

[Daniel Tosh]

Well, yeah, I don't want to be stressed out. I don't want to be stressed out about it.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Well, I wouldn't surprise you with something you wouldn't. Like, like, I know you.

[Daniel Tosh]

Barely. Okay, you think you know me? You don't know me. What's my favorite color?

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Aqua.

[Daniel Tosh]

Wait, One of her friends texted me, hey, what's Carly's favorite color? And I just wrote, fuck off. What favorite color were we? 6.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

She was trying to buy me a necklace, a very cute necklace that had like little beads on it. And they had a bunch of color options.

[Daniel Tosh]

And I. But I was just like, I don't know what her favorite color. I think it's black.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

He said gray. And then she was like, not gray. And then you said like light black or something like that.

[Eddie]

Light black.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

And she was like, like pink or purple.

[Daniel Tosh]

Dark, white, whatever. You also accused me in public, two things. Of eating my words, but then also.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Saying things way too loud.

[Daniel Tosh]

Right? And then when I talk about people in public, first of all, she says, I eat my words. Because you know how basketball players, after games when the two stars come talk to each other, Eddie, they have to go like this so that you don't see what they're saying. Well, when I'm out in public, I'm aware sometimes that people are listening. So I do a thing where I kind of just start to Jeff Dunham it.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

And I'm like, you like talking.

[Daniel Tosh]

I don't do a lot of moving. And anyway. But then, counter to that nonsense, it's.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Fascinating that someone would do both of these things.

[Daniel Tosh]

When there's somebody that I want to talk about or get infuriated by in public, she's like, they can flat out.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Hear you so loud. So loud you'll say what you have to say, like, so that they hear you. So I don't know how you decide in that moment if you're going to swallow the words you're about to say or shout.

[Daniel Tosh]

I feel like some people need to hear it.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Just, I'm constantly telling you that you're talking too loud and everyone can hear it.

[Daniel Tosh]

I'm constantly telling you you're talking too loud.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Well, there we go.

[Daniel Tosh]

You don't wear a wedding ring.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

That's true.

[Daniel Tosh]

I just thought of another physical thing about you that. That drives. No. Oh, Everybody has moles, and she has some moles. Sometimes I. I'll be honest with you. I'll be like, oh, this mole looks like it's turning a little black. You should have it checked out just so that they cut it off. I get that that's probably wrong. Is that gaslighting? I still don't know what gaslighting is. But the issue. You have a few moles, much like Rachel McAdams. Doesn't she have a big old, huge mole? Anyway, you have someone on your back, and you like your back aggressively scratched with your nails. She's like, scratch it. And then I'm like, I'm hitting the moles.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

I got those ones. The compromising ones removed.

[Daniel Tosh]

No, there's still one. There's still one there that I. Sometimes I clip, and it just gives me the willies. Because I was on tv. I get invited to things that I never want to go to. Even though I assume you would love to get dressed up and be fancy. Is that one of the things that you would change about me?

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Yeah. Not just the things you would be invited to, but just your willingness to do stuff. There's things I would. If I were to change something, I would want you to accept invitations to things and, like, want to do stuff.

[Daniel Tosh]

But. Was there gonna be a but at the end of that, or. No, no, no.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

That's why I have to bring our child to the Broadway shows with me, because you won't go. Just, like, don't do stuff.

[Daniel Tosh]

But you have no problem using the name to make sure that we get better seats at things, free tickets, etc.

[Ryan Seacrest]

That's true.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Mm.

[Daniel Tosh]

Why don't you try that with halam? See what kind of doors that opens. What do you think I think is your best quality?

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Ooh. It's my butt and my sense of humor.

[Daniel Tosh]

Oh, man, you got the order right.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

And how good of a mom I am out of the three.

[Daniel Tosh]

You're a great mother. But, you know, like. And maybe it's the whole. The trump world that we live in now where everybody's like, where you state these. You're the greatest. This the biggest people. When anybody says that she's the greatest mother, I like, you're an amazing mother. But there's probably no way you're the greatest mom.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Probably not. That'd be crazy.

[Daniel Tosh]

Yeah. That's absurd. But, yeah, you do a bang up job.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Thanks.

[Daniel Tosh]

You're an amazing mother. I think that's the reason, you know, people always talk about marriages work. I mean, for nine years, I've put no effort into this. Just so you know. Okay, I'm being honest. It hasn't been worked. It's been fun. Loved every minute of it. It's not like, oh, we had to get through that trying time. But I think that, you know, I was content to not get married. But then when I met you, I was like, oh, I'll get married to this person. It wasn't scary at all. And the same with having children. Like, I can have kids with this lady because no matter what I do to screw the kids up, she's gonna. She'll offset it. Now, if you died, that would be the worst part about you dying. Not the grief, but just knowing that, like, I gotta replace you quickly so the kids have somebody, you know, not as good.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Another figure.

[Daniel Tosh]

You think you would remarry?

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

No, I wouldn't marry.

[Daniel Tosh]

You don't think you'd ever remarry?

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

I don't think so.

[Daniel Tosh]

Huh. What if I went today?

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

I mean, I'd probably be in relationships, but I'm barely 40, married. I'm not 40.

[Daniel Tosh]

So you wouldn't remarry? I know I wouldn't remarry, but I'm old as dirt, so who cares? I remember one time when I was real young, I was hosting Loveline. Did you ever listen to Loveline when you were a kid?

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

I mean, I know what it is, but no, not really.

[Daniel Tosh]

Yeah, I was filling in for Adam Carolla. What a weird trajectory our careers went.

[Eddie]

Just like what, you and Dr. Drew?

[Daniel Tosh]

Me and Dr. Drew. But Dr. Drew was telling me, like, when you get into the right relationship, you can stay sexually attracted forever. And I just remember looking at him going, bullshit. I was like, that's gotta work.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

But now do you feel like you could be attracted to me when I'm 70?

[Daniel Tosh]

I don't know about 70. I don't know about 70, I guess, but I'll be 90.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

You're not 20 years older than me.

[Daniel Tosh]

No, I think so. Do you say that we're together for nine years, or do you put our whole dating, fine.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

I would do the whole thing probably.

[Daniel Tosh]

We're, like, at 15 years. Oh, we've made it this far. Do you think that this won't age well? And when we have some big split up, people are gonna, like, see, like.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

The Justin Baldoni Blake Lively footage where everyone's watching it to see, like, you know, what were they really thinking?

[Daniel Tosh]

Whose side are you on in that one?

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

It's messy. No one looks good.

[Daniel Tosh]

Well, I'm always against the victim. Blame them. If I have to pick sides, I blame the victim. That's what I've learned. Oh, no, don't let Lena hear that. I asked this of your father and we joked about it, but I'll ask it of you. Who do you think, between the two of us, loves the other person more? Do you think you love me more or do you think I love you more?

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

I think you love me more. Or you just are better at showing love maybe than I am.

[Daniel Tosh]

It's the first part of that. What are you saved as? On my phone.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Best idea ever.

[Daniel Tosh]

Best idea ever. That's why I typed that in when we were, like, working together. I'm like, here we go. Oh, my wife, my husband. Do you like when people say my wife? That even seems like. Like a little bit of possession. Do I introduce you as my wife ever? This is my wife, Carly. Yeah, I say that.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Yeah. That doesn't bother me.

[Daniel Tosh]

That doesn't bother you?

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

That's normal.

[Daniel Tosh]

All right. That's normal. I didn't know. I don't know the rules, man. I'm just trying to follow the rules. All right, Carly, thank you for being on the podcast. Now get over here and give me a big old smooch.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Oh, okay.

[Daniel Tosh]

Well, so quick.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Oh, okay.

[Daniel Tosh]

There's no passion in this. There's no. She just laughs at me. This guys, try again.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Hey, it's Ryan Seacrest for Albertsons and Safeway. Spring is here, which means it's time to do some spring cleaning, because a clean home is a happy home. Now through March 25, shop in store or online and get great savings on all your spring cleaning essentials. Like Windex Glass Cleaner, Lysol Disinfectant, Spray Scrubbing Bubbles, Bathroom cleaner and Febreze Fabric Refresher. Hurry in before those deals are gone. Offer ends March 25. Promotions may vary. Restrictions apply. Visit albertsons or safeway.com for more details.

[Amica Insurance Representative]

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[Nikki Glaser]

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[LifeLock Representative]

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[Daniel Tosh]

Oh man, I want to thank Carly for being on the show. We edited out about 48 seconds of just Hot Steamy Love. I mean, good grief, once her lips hit my lips, you can't stop me. I'm going the distance Ooh, sorry, guys.

[Eddie]

No, no worries.

[Daniel Tosh]

I mean, that's pornography, what they watched. Yeah, Carl, he's seen it a million times. But these guys, they were like, holy cow, the sparks were flying. I'm surprised. This table, which, I'll be honest with you right now, reeks to high heaven. But good to know that it can hold such chicanery.

[Eddie]

That's passion.

[Daniel Tosh]

Oh, man. Well, thank Carly for being on the show. What a trooper. Pretending to be my wife so that people at home can be like, I thought he was gay, but he's not. He has a wife, you dumb sheep. It'd be neat if we got divorced, like, within a week. Anyway, we're doing great, by the way. We had some. A tragedy in our family recently. I feel like I should share it. Ava, our little dog, our senior dog, was almost 15 years old. She passed away. Do you say she passed away when you have them put down, or do you say you have them put down? I still say passed away because it sounds she's dead. And I had to explain that to my kids, and that's not fun. My son made me a beautiful card.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Yeah.

[Daniel Tosh]

And he drew a photo of Ava underfoot because Carly was always stomping on her accidentally, of course. That's not how she went. Right. Right. I felt like the card was like, look, you don't have to worry about this anymore, because Carly would always be so nasty about it. Anyway. She passed away. Not the worst experience. You know, it was definitely time. It was probably a year past the time. She'd been pretty rough for a few years. And we did it, and it was sad. And I held her, and that's it, you know, pain free. I hope someday that somebody can do that to me.

[Eddie]

I gotcha.

[Daniel Tosh]

Good. That's what I want. I want Eddie to put me down at some point.

[Eddie]

Deal goes both ways.

[Daniel Tosh]

Sure. I'll put you down tonight.

[Eddie]

I feel fine right now.

[Daniel Tosh]

No, I want to do it now. You want to do it?

[Eddie]

Actually feel better this week than I did last week?

[Daniel Tosh]

No, I. I kept waiting for her to be like, oh. I also wanted to know what's the latest someone has pulled out of not doing it because he, like, gives him the first needle to, like, basically sedate him. And then I should have just like. He's like, okay, I'll give you 10 minutes in here before I come back. I should have just left and just let her have a great sleep. No, I didn't. It was. You know. And people always like, oh, what's better? My other. Her brother Was Castro. He went really quick. Cancer just walloped him. And I'll be honest with you, that was so much better. It hit harder. But two years of a dog struggling is too long. You have a band aid. You want to rip a band aid off quick. Imagine trying to slowly pull a band aid off for two years. That'd be impossible. You have to go so slow to time that out.

[Eddie]

No way.

[Daniel Tosh]

Anyway, I missed her. I don't get to replace her though, right, Carl? Because as soon as I came home. What did I come home to? After putting Ava down, I came home to you. And potato. Just shoving the water bowl over. Doesn't matter. All right, let's get to some plugs. Tossshowstore.com buy some merch, get some hats, whatever. Eddie's tour. My tour. Come see me do stand up. Come to Minneapolis. Where else am I going to be? Omaha? Kansas City? Madison, Wisconsin. Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Chicago, Illinois. New York, New Jersey. Oh, and don't forget Philly. I'm going to Philly, the Lisbon of the east coast of America. God, I look forward to Philly. Hilly crowds are the best. Alright, it's time for the free plug. Hit the free plug. Music. Ah, that was Ava's favorite song. There's a word for that. When everything reminds you of something, is it lonely? This week's free plug is for the measles vaccine. Head to your doctor's office or local health clinic and get a shot to help prevent the spread of a virus that was previously eradicated in the United States 25 years ago. Now you might be asking yourself, but Daniel, can we really trust scientists? Yeah. Yeah, you can. Oh, now you might be thinking, but Daniel, my body's a temple and I only put natural. You shut the fuck up, hippie. Get the jab. You don't know shit about fuck. You're gonna get your kids entire class infected. But wait, there's more. If you act right now, not only do you get the measles vaccine, but we're thrown in mumps and rubella. That's three viral vaccines for the price of one. Or none. If you have any insurance whatsoever. Even the real shitty ones, they'll cover it. That's the MMR vaccine. Tell them that, dipshit. RFK Jr sent you. See you next week.

[Ryan Seacrest]

Hey, it's Ryan Seacrest for Albertsons and Safeway. Stock up sale is on now. Which means you can save big on all your favorite essentials throughout the store. Stock up on participating items and earn four times points to redeem for your discounts on groceries or gas now through March 25th. Saved by shopping in store, store or online. For participating, items from your favorite brands like Pampers, Dove Band Aid, Playtex and Premier protein. Offer ends March 25th. Promotions may vary. Restrictions apply. Visit albertsons or safeway.com for more details.

[Amica Insurance Representative]

This is John Cameron Mitchell and my new fiction podcast series, Cancellation island stars Holly Hunter as Cancer, a wellness influencer who launches a rehab for the recently canceled. In the future we will all be canceled for 15 minutes, but don't worry, we'll take you from broke to woke or your money back. Cancellation Island's revolutionary rehab therapies like bad touch football, anti racism, spin class and mandatory Ayahuasca ceremonies are designed to force the council to confront their worst impulses. But everything starts to fall apart when people start disappearing. Karen, where have you brought us Cancellation island, where a second chance might just be your last. Listen to Cancellation island on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts.

[LifeLock Representative]

Do you remember what you said the.

[Daniel Tosh]

First night I came over here? Ow.

[Carly Hallam Tosh]

Go slower.

[LifeLock Representative]

From Blumhouse TV, iheart podcasts and ember 20 comes all new fictional comedy podcast series. Join the flighty Damien Hirst as he unravels the mystery of his vanished boyfriend. I've been spending all my time looking for answers about what happened to Santi and what's the way to find a missing person. Sleep with everyone he knew, obviously. Listen to the hookup on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.

[Daniel Tosh]

Are you hungry? Colleen Witt here. And Eating While Broke is back for season four every Thursday on the Black Effect Podcast Network. This season we've got a legendary lineup serving up broke dishes and even better stories on the menu. We have Tony Baker, Nick Cannon, Melissa Ford, October London and Carrie Harper Howey turning Big Macs into big moves. Catch Eating While Broke every Thursday on the Black Effect Podcast Network. IHeartRadio app Apple podcasts Wherever you get your favorite shows, come hungry for season four.