My Wife Dunks on My NBA Preview

Summary

Tosh Show: "My Wife Dunks on My NBA Preview"

Host: Daniel Tosh
Date: October 21, 2025
Summary By: [Expert Podcast Summarizer]

Main Theme and Purpose

This episode of Tosh Show features Daniel Tosh (often in and out of character as "Carlie Tosh") and his regular crew riffing on the start of the 2025-26 NBA season. Interspersed with sharp comedic jabs, Tosh explores current NBA storylines, roasts basketball culture, and gives his signature irreverent commentary, while involving his wife in a bit that pokes fun at NBA fanaticism and marital miscommunication.

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Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Marriage, Communication & Sports Obsession

• Carlie Tosh opens with a hilarious rant about her husband’s sports-watching habits and their impact on domestic life, shining a light on the sometimes absurd intersections of marriage, memory, and fandom.

  • "My major complaint is that my husband doesn't listen to me when I talk. But he, but he makes eye contact with me." [02:12]

• The couple’s child understands the term "gaslighting" due to frequent parental spats.

  • "From the backseat, our six year old's like, who's gaslighting who?" [03:31]

• Carlie compares her husband's sports obsession with typical binge-watching habits, arguing that sports spectating is just “one notch above playing video games” in terms of household disruption.

  • "I would say watching sports is one notch above playing video games. And if you play video games, he'll make fun of you. He doesn't realize that they're the same." [05:08]

2. NBA Season Structure and Popular Gripes

• The crew dislikes the NBA's October start, advocating for a January-August season to fill the baseball gap (and increase fan clarity):
  • "I want the season to start at the top of the year, January, and then go through August. Fill the gap, you know, so that there's baseball and basketball. Then football starts. I don't need it now. I don't need it in October." [10:06]

3. Playoff Structure and Franchise Critiques

• NBA Playoff participation critiqued as too broad ("only 10 teams don't make it"), diluting regular season urgency.
  • "There's only 10 teams in the NBA that don't make it to the postseason." [10:53]
• Heat "culture" mocked:
  • "The culture just means that it's not fun to play there. But the weather's nice and there's so much ass that you suck it up. That's what the culture means here. Come play here. We're going to play it till you almost die. But in your off time, you're going to eat some ass. Listen, that's the culture." [11:40]

4. Dallas Mavericks, Cooper Flag, and the “Rigged” NBA

• Jesting claims about league rigging, sarcastically referencing the supposed convenience of the Mavs' draft luck.
  • "You can't pull that off. Where, hey, we're going to. We're going to deal one of the biggest stars in the NBA away for nothing. Everyone is going to hate our GM globally. And then a few months later, you're going to get the first round pick and there happens to be another Doofy. Big white phenom." [12:27]

Mini-Preview: Cooper Flag

• Carlie gives an assertive NBA take:

  • "Even with Kyrie Irving out for the first few months of the season, I think Cooper Flag will easily push Dallas towards the top of the Western Conference...he was the clearest number one draft pick in years." [13:42]

• Daniel roasts "tall white guy" star succession in Dallas (Dirk, Luka, Cooper) and predicts team relocation:

  • "He is the third coming. First was Dirk. Okay. Then Luca and now Cooper. He's the latest really tall white guy to lead Dallas to the promised land. And they better do it quick because this stadium they're looking for is going to wind up in Vegas...owned by LeBron James." [14:13]

5. NBA Personalities and Rule Changes

• On LeBron James’ longevity (in pure exaggeration mode):
  • "He's been in the NBA since the Peach Basket days. I believe LeBron James was originally drafted by the St. Louis Hawks. He came out the same year as Carmelo and Melo has been in the Hall of Fame for a decade." [16:06]
• New “heave rule” explained: final-second half-court heaves no longer affect player shooting percentages.
  • "So half court heaves don't affect their shooting percentage." [17:59]

6. NBA City and Franchise Roast

• Scathing and humorous takes on teams and towns:
  • On Cleveland:
    "There may not be a better, worse team in the NBA. So good. Top to bottom. Yet just when it matters, cannot string four games together...The only reason the Cavs won that championship is because Draymond couldn't stop punching LeBron James's balls. That's just a fact." [20:23]
  • On Oklahoma City:
    "Very few cities in this country that have an NBA team that I would like to go to less. It's not a fun town. Give me Tulsa. Tulsa over Oklahoma City." [27:47]

7. NBA Player Updates and Satire

• Jokes and fake stories about injuries and trades:

  • On Zion Williamson’s durability:
    • "He'll play 30 or 40 games until he realizes that even though he's lost weight, his soul is still a fat man." [25:43]
    • "There's no way Zion makes it over under before he misses his first game. I'll put the line at 20. 20 games under." [25:45]
  • On Boston and Indiana: both consider their 2025-26 seasons “gap years” due to injured stars.

• On NBA hats:

  • "Whoever wins the NBA championship will have an awful hat...the championship gear. Looks like they just grabbed a bunch of donations from fema." [32:27]

8. League Pass Rant & Prime Video Concerns

• Tosh rails against NBA digital products:
  • "I refuse to watch the NBA on the League Pass app. Your app is garbage. It's always glitching. I always have to re log in...This year it's. It's off YouTube. It's on to Prime. That's going to be bad." [34:03]

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On NBA Season Structure

  • "Put it in one calendar year." [09:53] – Carlie Tosh

• On Heat "Culture":

  • "Come play here. We're going to play it till you almost die. But in your off time, you’re going to eat some ass. Listen, that's the culture." [11:40] – Carlie Tosh

• On Cooper Flag in Dallas:

  • "He's the latest really tall white guy to lead Dallas to the promised land. And they better do it quick because this stadium that they're looking for is going to wind up in Vegas...owned by LeBron James." [14:13] – Daniel Tosh

• League Rigged Narrative:

  • "You can't pull that off...there happens to be another Doofy Big white phenom." [12:27] – Daniel Tosh

• On NBA hats:

  • "The championship gear looks like they just grabbed a bunch of donations from FEMA. Here you go. Put these on." [32:32] – Daniel Tosh

• On LeBron James’s Longevity:

  • "He's been in the NBA since the Peach Basket days... originally drafted by the St. Louis Hawks." [16:06] – Daniel Tosh

• On Zion Williamson’s Health:

  • "His soul is still a fat man." [25:43] – Daniel Tosh

• Cleveland Roast:

  • "If you told me I had to live in Cleveland or have my family killed, I would move to Cleveland because I don't want my family killed. But we would be miserable. And I would be like, ah, did I make the right decision? Every. Every day." [21:41] – Daniel Tosh

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• [02:01] Marriage, gaslighting, and sports obsession bit
• [10:00] NBA season start/reform and fandom gripes
• [11:40] “Heat Culture” roast and context
• [13:42] Carlie’s surprise NBA preview, Cooper Flag praise
• [16:06] LeBron’s timelessness satirical riff
• [17:59] Explanation of new “heave rule”
• [25:43] Zion Williamson’s health and over/under games played
• [32:27] NBA championship/Playoff hat merchandise roast
• [34:03] League Pass/Prime Video complaints
• [36:00] Carl’s pick: Orlando Magic
• [38:12] Call-in segment for Amanda's potential suitors

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Tone and Style

The episode maintains Daniel Tosh’s signature blend of biting sarcasm, blunt athletic analysis, off-color humor, and hyperbolic riffs on family and NBA culture. The banter flows fast and loose, with Tosh and guests leaning into irreverence while touching on legitimate fandom gripes.

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For Listeners Who Missed It: Key Takeaways

• Marital dynamics and sports obsession are ripe for comedy—especially when sports dominate the emotional bandwidth of a household.
• The NBA's format, playoff structure, and shifting star power provide endless material for both comic and legitimate sports commentary.
• Tosh and crew’s knowledge of NBA teams and culture is genuine, even as their analysis veers into mockery.
• Listeners get a solid overview of buzzworthy teams (Mavs, Heat, Lakers, Celtics, etc.), the season’s weirdness, and a few hot takes worth remembering (Cooper Flag, LeBron’s “place in history,” Zion’s health, and the eternal failure of NBA hats).

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End of Summary

Transcript

[Carlie Tosh]

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[Donut Guy]

Morning Zoe. Got donuts.

[Jeff Bridges]

Jeff Bridges, why are you still living above our garage?

[Donut Guy]

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[Jeff Bridges]

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[Jeff Bridges]

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[Carlie Tosh]

T mobile is the best place to get the new iPhone 17 Pro on us with eligible traded in any condition.

[Donut Guy]

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[Jeff Bridges]

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[Carlie Tosh]

Guys, thanks for listening. Please like and subscribe. Rate and review. All good stuff. Positive. No one in the NBA has ever missed a game because of sciatica.

[Eddie]

I don't think the trainers even know how to deal with it.

[Carlie Tosh]

There's not even like an initial that you can put on the box score to explain that. PA show. Posh show. Posh show for show.

[Carlie Tosh (Host)]

Welcome to Tosh Show. I'm your host, Carlie Tosh. How you doing, Eddie?

[Eddie]

Pretty good, Carlie. How are you?

[Carlie Tosh (Host)]

I'm good. So what do we do? We just. We sit here and then we like complain about our significant other.

[Eddie]

I mean.

[Carlie Tosh (Host)]

Yeah, cool, cool. Yeah. I have something. I have something I would say. My major complaint is that my husband doesn't listen to me when I talk. But he, but he makes eye contact with me. We've discussed multiple times the fact that I have dinner plans on Sunday with Pete's wife Sam. Like we're looking at each other. We're talking. This is what we're doing. This is Happening on Friday. He tells me, oh, your brother and your cousin need to reschedule. They were going to come out tomorrow, but now, should they come out Sunday? We're looking at each other. I'm going, well, they can come out Sunday, but what time? Because I have dinner plans with Sam on Sunday. He's like, maybe like the afternoon, not at dinner time. Then come Sunday, that conversation never happened. The other five conversations about how I have dinner plans never happened. It's written on the family calendar. Huge family calendar. Didn't see it. That doesn't matter. You could have written that at any time. Then he accuses me of gaslighting him.

[Eddie]

Okay.

[Carlie Tosh (Host)]

And then I'm like, no, you're gaslighting me about gaslighting you. But whoever says in our relationship gaslighting first, like, they get to be the one who has been gaslit.

[Eddie]

Okay, yeah.

[Carlie Tosh (Host)]

You just have to be the first one to say it.

[Eddie]

Right.

[Carlie Tosh (Host)]

We're in the car, we're driving to breakfast. Morning of my dinner with Sam, which had been discussed a bunch of times, but maybe not. And I'm saying, you're gaslighting me. And he's saying, you're gaslighting me. And then I say, it's a reverse gaslight. You're gaslighting me about gaslighting. And then from the backseat, our six year old's like, who's gaslighting who?

[Eddie]

Like, so funny. He knows that term.

[Carlie Tosh (Host)]

He knows the term.

[Eddie]

Was he watching sports while you were talking to him?

[Carlie Tosh (Host)]

He's always watching sports. So yes, probably at our house, there's always a game on. He watches all sports, you know, all the time. But, like, not in person. The thing is that, like, I would go to a football game in person. I love a basketball game if I'm there. Like, the crowd, the nachos, like, the whole thing, you know, like, but like, he doesn't ever want to go there because he has a big screen at the house and, like, the camera angle is better than his eyes or whatever. He doesn't like people. And so. So I never get to, like, experience the game. But there. There always has to be, like, sports just on all the time. It's just a lot. It's a lot of sports constantly at our house. And then he'll go, like, I just have to get through this game. Like, I just have to. And I'm like, why? Like, are you being paid? Why do you have to get through the game? Then he tries to pretend like there are things I would be interested in, like, oh, my God. Let me rewind. You got to see this cheerleader. She has, like, wonky boobs or whatever. Like, we're watching the game together. Like, look at us. We' both enjoy this, right? And sometimes he'll, like, put it on me. Like, mom doesn't want to just hang out at the house with you guys, kids. Like, she feels. She always feels like we have to do something. And all of a sudden I'm the bad guy for suggesting that we go to, like, the farmer's market and breakfast on a Sunday when really, like, he just wants to be able to be in front of a tv. If we go to the farmer's market, like, where's the tv? You know, he tries to be like, it's family time. Let's all get in the Jacuzzi. Well, there's a TV by the Jacuzzi. It's 24 7. Could you imagine a world where there's, like, a thing that I had to watch multiple times a day, multiple days a week where I'm like, guys, I have to get through this episode of the Summer I Turned Pretty. Whatever you guys want to talk about, it can wait. I'll be downstairs. I have to watch season three episodes four and five of the Summer I Turn pretty. I can't check my phone. Like, hopefully no one's texting me right now because I haven't caught up on the Summer I Turned Pretty. He's probably watching a preseason basketball game he DVR right now. And that's why I'm sitting here, because it's just. It's always happening all the time. I would say watching sports is one notch above playing video games. And if you play video games, he'll make fun of you. He doesn't realize that they're the same. They're the same. That's the thing. Nothing like being married to a fanatic whose team always loses. It's like, pick a better team.

[Carlie Tosh]

Hey, out. What is going on? My podcast studio is not a toy. Which one of you guys turned the lights on and started recording? My wife.

[Eddie]

Dylan.

[Carlie Tosh]

Dylan. Did she wear my glasses? Eddie, there's no way we're gonna be able to edit that together. You wanna know why? Because I refuse to listen to anything she has to say. Enjoy. Here's one. You know, I actually care about fighting hair loss. Hair loss isn't just about hair. It's about how you feel when you look in the mirror. Hims helps you take back the confidence with access to simple personalized care that fits your life. Tired of trying to figure out what actually works for hair loss. Through hims, you get access to clear solutions, expert guidance, and online process that takes the confusion out of care. You shouldn't have to rearrange your life to deal with hair loss. HIMS makes expert care accessible on your schedule so you can focus on feeling like yourself again. For simple online access to personalized, affordable care for hair loss, ED, weight loss and more, visit hims.comtosh that's hims.comtosh for your free online visit hims.comtosh Individual results may vary based on studies of topical and oral minoxidil and finasteride. Featured products include compound drug products which the FDA does not approve or verify for safety, effectiveness or quality. Prescription required. See website for full details, restriction and important safety information. Going online without ExpressVPN is like driving a car without a seatbelt. They should make it so cars can't drive until the seatbelt has been clicked over our big American bellies. I could be in charge of the Department of Transportation with an idea like that. A VPN is something everybody needs so hackers can't gain control of your computer when you connect to an unencrypted network. ExpressVPN is easy to use. Just fire up the app, click one button and boom, you're protected. And it works on all your devices. Phones, tablets, laptops so you can stay secure on the go. I know what you're thinking, Daniel. It sounds easy to use, but is it good? Oh, it's rated number one by top tech reviewers like CNET and the Verge. Secure your online data today by visiting expressvpn.com tosh that's E X P R E S s v p n.com tosh to find out how you can get up to four extra months. Expressvpn.com tosh if you've shopped online once, chances are you've bought from a business powered by Shopify. You know that purple shop pay button you see at checkout? The one that makes buying so incredibly easy? That's Shopify. Now there's a reason so many businesses sell with it. Because Shopify makes it incredibly easy to start and run your business. Shopify gives you hundreds of beautiful, ready to go templates to express your brand style so you don't have to learn how to code. Code is how nerds talk to computers. It helps you with important tasks like inventory. You need that, and you need to know how much of it you have. It also helps with analytics, which I am told are very important to businesses built in marketing and email tools to help you find new customers. And customers are important to a business because they buy your product. That's a little business tip from Tashio. Okay. CEO D A N. And last but not least, that little purple shop pay button used by millions of businesses around the world. It saves all your payment information so customers can just check out. If you want to see less carts being abandoned, it's time for you to head over to Shopify. Sign up for your $1 per month trial and start selling today. [e-mail] tosh go to shopify.com tosh shopify.com tosh tosh. All right, the 2025, 26 season is getting underway. There's my first gripe. Eddie, what is it? I'm not going to be one of the people. Like, oh, the season's too long. Fine, but put it in one calendar year.

[Eddie]

I agree with you. It's always like, it's too confusing. Well, it was in 2025. It was 2024 when it started.

[Carlie Tosh]

I want basketball, which I normally don't even care about until Christmas Day. That's when I start to pretend that I care about it. I want the season to start at the top of the year, January, and then go through August. Fill the gap, you know, so that there's baseball and basketball. Then football starts. I don't need it now. I don't need it in October.

[Eddie]

Right.

[Carlie Tosh]

I mean, I do, as a Dolphins fan. That's the end of our rant. Let's go. Wrap it up.

[Eddie]

There we go. Thanks, guys.

[Carlie Tosh]

Good episode. I love the NBA. I'm not gonna apologize to you. Oh, you're not into the NBA. Okay. Great. Little dirty secret in the TV world. You wanna know why NBA athletes get paid so much? A lot of people watch it. And the. And there's so many games. It's like, you know, football. Oh, it's got huge ratings. Yes. But once a week, you know, you start playing seven times a week for 81 games. Do that math. The problem with the NBA, too, is there's only 10 teams in the NBA that don't make it to the postseason. And out West, I mean, I don't know. I could do it right now. Suns, Pelicans, Jazz, out East. Who you got? Who sucks out East? I mean, Wizards, Hornets, Nets, Atlanta, Chicago. Is Toronto even in the east? Or is Canada have their own league that we let them in on? By the way, there's other teams in the east that sucked. As a Heat fan, I barely can watch the East. You're Going to tell me Boston's going to be watchable?

[Carlie Tosh (Host)]

No.

[Carlie Tosh]

I'm a Heat fan. A lot of people give Heat fans grief. The one thing that the Heat has that no other team in the NBA has is the culture. Oh, I get so annoyed every time they try to play that up. The culture in Miami is different. The culture just means that it's not fun to play there. But the weather's nice and there's so much ass that you suck it up. That's what the culture means here. Come play here. We're going to play it till you almost die. But in your off time, you're going to eat some ass. Listen, that's the culture. That's the culture they keep talking about down in Miami.

[Eddie]

Incentivized.

[Carlie Tosh]

Just talking about it gets me hungry. Dallas. Dallas is the story. Everyone loves to say that the NBA is rigged. And I get annoyed with that. Even if it was rigged, let's. Let's say that it is completely rigged. You can't pull that off. Where, hey, we're going to. We're going to deal one of the biggest stars in the NBA away for nothing. Everyone is going to hate our GM globally. And then a few months later, you're going to get the first round pick and there happens to be another Doofy. Big white phenom.

[Eddie]

Doofy's perfect.

[Carlie Tosh]

Who's now American. Is he American? I mean, Maine?

[Caller]

Sure.

[Carlie Tosh]

How many star players have ever been from Maine? That's not American.

[Caller]

He's not Slovenian.

[Carlie Tosh]

That's close. Maine is close to Slovenian. All right, hold on for a second because my wife is trying to quietly leave the studio. Unsuccessfully, I might add. This may be the one time that she will admit that I can hear her trying to rant over here about a Cooper Flag in Dallas. You have any thoughts?

[Carlie Tosh (Host)]

Let's talk about Cooper Flag. Even with Kyrie Irving out for the first few months of the season, I think Cooper Flag will easily push Dallas towards the top of the Western Conference. I'm not saying he's going to fill Luka's shoes on day one, but he was the clearest number one draft pick in years. And he is the type of all around game to excel at the pro level. If he meshes well with d' Angelo Russell running the point until Kyrie's return, they could really be a team to watch. Anyway, gotta go by Eddie.

[Eddie]

Bye, Carly.

[Carlie Tosh]

I've never been less attracted to my wife than I am right now. But those are solid takes.

[Eddie]

Solid.

[Carlie Tosh]

Yeah. She knows basketball. Cooper Flag is the talk of the town. In Dallas, he is the third coming. First was Dirk. Okay. Then Luca and now Cooper. He's the latest really tall white guy to lead Dallas to the promised land. And they better do it quick because this stadium that they're looking for is going to wind up in Vegas and that that team is going to be owned by LeBron James. Let's be clear. You've heard it here first on the Toss show podcast. Cooper Flag will be playing on the Las Vegas King James is. I don't know what they're going to call it. What are they going to call it? The King James's. By the way, do you know Cooper's got a twin brother.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Carlie Tosh]

Who's 18, insane and plays, is still in middle school. What is he? Is he. He's in college this year. They're twin brothers and one of them was a grade ahead. How is that? Where's he going playing the college basketball?

[Caller]

Maine.

[Carlie Tosh]

His brother's playing in Maine, which means he's not good enough to be in the NBA. That is going to be a tough pill to swallow. Is Cooper going to be good enough that he can Giannis them?

[Eddie]

Oh, that's a great question.

[Carlie Tosh]

Oh, Giannis. You know that. You know Milwaukee's got a third Giannis brother now, one sister, an uncle, and some guy that used to bang one of his exes. That's incredible.

[Eddie]

That's incredible.

[Carlie Tosh]

Milwaukee will do whatever it takes to keep Giannis. Is this going to be LeBron's last season? Ooh, I can't fathom basketball without LeBron James. He's just been around for so long. When he first played with Kareem Abdul Jabbar, I was like, look at this. Look at this young kid.

[Eddie]

This kid's got some hops.

[Carlie Tosh]

And then through the Magic Larry era and then on to the Michael Jordan era. He's been in the NBA since the Peach Basket days. I believe LeBron James was originally drafted by the St. Louis Hawks. He came out the same year as Carmelo and Melo has been in the hall of Fame for a decade. This is just what I've heard here in Los Angeles. He wants to be the first player to to play on the same team with his grandson. Wow. I'm doing the same thing. I can't fault LeBron. I want to keep doing stand up comedy until my son can open for me. I'm sorry, Eddie.

[Eddie]

Wait, what's going on?

[Carlie Tosh]

Yeah, you're going to lose your gig. And I'll make him do all those cash grabs, send him over to the Middle East.

[Eddie]

You're representing the family.

[Carlie Tosh]

I'm like, oh, all those cool. All right, comics open the door for you. But LeBron is not playing. He's going to miss the first month. At least he's out with sciatica, which sounds like the most old man shit I've ever heard. Sciatica? What the fuck? You know, my grandfather was a baller.

[Eddie]

Oh, yeah?

[Carlie Tosh]

Dwight. Dwight Amstutz in Ohio. Played college basketball position.

[Eddie]

Shooting guard, Just laid back. That's like. There's just. We're all playing the same spots. There's just five of us out running around. Did you hear about the new heave rule?

[Carlie Tosh]

He. We say he.

[Donut Guy]

Well, I think.

[Carlie Tosh]

Well, I don't think we. I don't. Eddie, I don't think there should be a he.

[Eddie]

New one. It's a heave rule.

[Carlie Tosh]

He. Oh, heave rule. There's a new heave rule in the NBA. Now explain to me what the new heave rule is.

[Eddie]

Well, they can just. You know how they chuck the ball at the very end with under a second left? They would always hold off because they didn't want to affect their shooting percentage, but now they can shoot it if it doesn't make it doesn't go against them.

[Carlie Tosh]

So half court heaves don't affect their shooting percentage.

[Eddie]

Right.

[Carlie Tosh]

Does the same apply to Steph? Because he's pretty accurate from half court. If he were to pull up from half court when it wasn't one second left and shoot, would it go against his percentage or does it have to be with 1 second remaining?

[Eddie]

Under a second?

[Carlie Tosh]

I think I would just like Steph to have a night where he scores 50 points with zero shots attempted. You got Steph Curry, Draymond Green, Jimmy Butler, the third. That's the starting lineup of the Golden State Warriors. I know it seems like the cast of a movie where a bunch of old people go to Las Vegas for a final hurrah. Did Jimmy Butler do his funny preseason photo that was always the highlight in Miami.

[Eddie]

It is funny, but that can't be the one thing we look forward to.

[Carlie Tosh]

Well, it certainly wasn't his playoff production last year when all he had to do is squeak out one game without Steph and couldn't pull it off. Turns out he's not a good number two guy. What about Kevin Durant in Houston? Uncle KD still playing ball? You think he wishes he would have stayed in Golden State?

[Eddie]

Yes.

[Carlie Tosh]

You do.

[Eddie]

I do.

[Carlie Tosh]

Yeah. That would have been a fun run for them. Yeah, they could have really rattled off quite a few championships, but The Rockets seem legit. They still have Dylan Brooks on their team. No, they dealt him.

[Eddie]

Dylan Brooks is gone.

[Carlie Tosh]

They dealt him, too. Phoenix.

[Eddie]

I think he is Phoenix.

[Carlie Tosh]

Oh, good. That'll be fun when they play LA then.

[Eddie]

Yep.

[Carlie Tosh]

@ least there'll be fights.

[Eddie]

Yeah, Dylan Brooks is. He's good for that.

[Carlie Tosh]

Yep. Damian Lillard returned to Portland. He's not going to play. He's still injured. How do you get. He tore his gooch in an anti ice Portland bike ride.

[Eddie]

Oh, yeah, one of those naked ones.

[Carlie Tosh]

Naked ones? Oh, Portland. I love Portland. Sure. They ride around on their bikes naked.

[Eddie]

That's how they protest.

[Carlie Tosh]

Yeah. What a nice place. You see those people in Chicago following the ice vehicles and they're just honking their horns and yelling to everybody, it's ice in front of us. They're just letting everybody know. That makes me laugh. Will ice raids affect teams in the NBA that rely heavily on foreign players, I. E. The San Antonio Spurs?

[Eddie]

Man, it could. It could. I don't know.

[Carlie Tosh]

It'd be awesome if they took Wemby off the court mid game. Some mask guy runs onto the. Onto the court and just grabs them the masks, throws them into a van. San Antonio, huh? Speaking of shitholes, Cleveland, they added much needed depth to their roster this year, which I think will get them over the hump. And instead of losing immediately in the first round, they will lose immediately in the second round. There may not be a better, worse team in the NBA. So good. Top to bottom. Yet just when it matters, cannot string four games together. Don't tell me they're cursed either. You know what it is? It's the water. It's the water. And I don't want to hear anyone bring up the championship that the Cavs brought home. Everyone who watches basketball knows the only reason the Cavs won that championship is because Draymond couldn't stop punching LeBron James's balls. That's just a fact. You're. You're going to miss crucial game five. Okay. The end. Oh, they came back from down three. One. No, they didn't. They didn't play the full team. And they got incredibly lucky because Draymond got ball happy.

[Eddie]

A little bit of a kink that year.

[Carlie Tosh]

If you told me I had to live in Cleveland or have my family killed, I would move to Cleveland because I don't want my family killed. But we would be miserable. And I would be like, ah, did I make the right decision? Every. Every day.

[Eddie]

You know what the other choice was?

[Carlie Tosh]

I could have. We could have all just died. My kid. It would have been better than this.

[Eddie]

Dad, I hate it here.

[Carlie Tosh]

You know, my son said to me the other day, we watched a Dolphins loss. And he goes, and he said something about the Dolphins. I go, oh, they're garbage. And he goes, dad, why would you say the team that you love more than anything in this world is garbage? And I just looked at him, I was just like, shut up. And just walked away.

[Eddie]

So pure.

[Carlie Tosh]

You see those photos of Luca getting his revenge bod? He said that his body looks better now after adhering to a strict diet and regimented workouts. So you're telling me that eating better and exercise will affect your. Your physique? You ought to pass on that information to that dipshit RFK Jr. The one thing that Eddie and I agree on as two people that have lived in Los Angeles for 30 years, we hate the Lakers.

[Eddie]

Absolutely.

[Carlie Tosh]

And we don't care about the Clippers.

[Eddie]

It's kind of like we're LA people.

[Carlie Tosh]

Yeah. Chris Paul back with the Clippers just in time as the wheels completely fall. Rarely can a team collapse during the off season, but the LA Clippers have found a way. Now let's talk to you, Eddie. Because you. You as a Spurs fan are once a die hard Kawhi fan. Are you still a Kawhi fan?

[Eddie]

Yeah, I like Kawhi.

[Carlie Tosh]

I like the time when they. When Golden State put their foot underneath his.

[Eddie]

I remember that. Yeah, that was a game, Mother's Day Sunday. I was watching the game in a bar.

[Carlie Tosh]

How mad were you?

[Eddie]

I was so mad because we were up by like 20. Try killing them.

[Carlie Tosh]

And did you win that game?

[Eddie]

We lost second.

[Carlie Tosh]

Yeah, you did.

[Eddie]

Big old Ash.

[Carlie Tosh]

You know why? Because they're like, hey, why don't we just break the guy's leg?

[Eddie]

He had such a bad ankle at the time.

[Carlie Tosh]

That was fun. But it turns out Quiesa did a real number. So Kawhi, let's see. He circumvented the salary cap by getting $28 million endorsement deal from Aspiration, plus another 20 million in company stock. Ballmer had a $50 million investment in Aspiration, which seems pretty suspicious. I think it's time the Clippers just go back to the owner that uses the N word. I think it will be easier. It'll be cleaner, less confusing. We can all get our head around it. I'm surprised. I'm surprised that Donald Trump hasn't demanded that Donald Sterling gets his team back.

[Eddie]

Wow, you put that out there. It's. If he hears this, he will executive order it's.

[Carlie Tosh]

Hard to tell if Kawhi would have an extra 50 million laying around because he's not the most flashy of NBA superstars.

[Eddie]

Agreed. Yeah. How would you know?

[Carlie Tosh]

Hey, Kawhi, did you. Did you get an extra 50? Why would Kwai want an. I don't even think he would want an extra $50 million.

[Eddie]

Might not even know he had an extra 50.

[Carlie Tosh]

I mean, I think there's a real argument there, Eddie. I think if Kawhi just said, hey, I have. I didn't. I didn't know. People be like, oh, okay. Speaking of losing weight, I'm shedding. Not like, Zion Williams, how much you down? I don't think I've lost any yet, but it's in the works mentally.

[Eddie]

Mindset.

[Carlie Tosh]

Thank you.

[Eddie]

There you go.

[Carlie Tosh]

Zion Williams is playing, gonna play the entire year in shape. I mean, he's not gonna play the entire year.

[Eddie]

Yeah.

[Carlie Tosh]

He'll play 30 or 40 games until he realizes that even though he's lost weight, his soul is still a fat man.

[Eddie]

The soul of a fat man.

[Carlie Tosh]

Right. There's no way Zion makes it over under before he misses his first game. I'll put the line at 20. 20 games under.

[Eddie]

That's a good line. I'll say under.

[Carlie Tosh]

Of course. I'll say under two. Yeah. I'll hammer the under. I know he can be amazing.

[Eddie]

Right.

[Carlie Tosh]

When he shoots three pointers, though, it doesn't look right. That hand is just so big, and.

[Eddie]

It'S just like Scott the fat man solver.

[Carlie Tosh]

I feel like. I feel like every time, the backboard should shatter when the ball hits it. Like, oh, no, no, Zion, you don't have to throw it that hard. The Celtics traded away all their players. Jason Tatum's injured, so it's a gap year for them. Same goes for Indiana with Tyrese Halliburton. Is Tyrese going to be out the entire year, or can he come back at the end?

[Eddie]

I'd like playoffs. Okay.

[Carlie Tosh]

By the way, Tyrese doesn't need to play the regular season. If Indiana can just get to the playoffs. That's all you want Tyrese for Anyway, the last 30 seconds of every game in the playoffs.

[Eddie]

Right.

[Carlie Tosh]

And his dad should just take his season tickets, transfer them up to Milwaukee. That's not a far commute. And just go to Bucks games and heckle the shit out of Giannis and all seven of his relatives. Do you guys hear Paul Pierce got arrested for a dui? You think he left the police station in a wheelchair? I wonder if he actually got a dui. Or if he just accidentally shit his pants again. He's acting like he can't pass a roadside sobriety test because his shorts are filled.

[Eddie]

He doesn't want a chunk coming down. Out.

[Carlie Tosh]

Yeah. He's like, oh, I'm so drunk. It's like, ah. Or he's just pretending to be drunk to justify why there's a huge pile of shit in his pants. The guy can't keep poop in his butt.

[Eddie]

It's just. It's hard for him.

[Carlie Tosh]

I know. Listen, right?

[Eddie]

This is your world.

[Carlie Tosh]

Yes, I feel his pain. I've never. I've never thought to go the route of put me in a wheelchair, you know, give me special parking because of my disability. Oklahoma City Thunder. Very few cities in this country that have an NBA team that I would like to go to less.

[Eddie]

Yeah, I agree 100%.

[Carlie Tosh]

It's not a fun town. Give me Tulsa. Tulsa over Oklahoma City.

[Eddie]

It's crazy to say Tulsa is a better city than another city, but it is, and it's in the same.

[Carlie Tosh]

It is. Tulsa's better. I agree with you, Eddie. I completely agree. I have one good memory from Oklahoma City.

[Eddie]

What is it?

[Carlie Tosh]

So, so dumb. I was there. I was doing a college show. It was a weekend or something, and nobody was downtown. And it had started downpouring rain, but it was like. Like summery or it was a warm time of year, and it was just so delightful outside. I just, like, went for a walk in this hot rain. I just remember thinking, well, this is. This is pleasant. And I think it was because I grew up in Florida, where anytime it rained, it was followed immediately by, like, death lightning. So you couldn't ever really be out frolicking in the rain. It was just a nice walk I took in the rain in Oklahoma City.

[Eddie]

Was everybody not out because maybe a tornado was coming?

[Carlie Tosh]

No. I don't know. Maybe this was before phones. So I didn't. I didn't hear any sirens.

[Eddie]

Yeah, I would expect you to hear a siren.

[Carlie Tosh]

No, I did. Yeah, I didn't even think about that. Maybe there was a tornado coming. You ever have any. You ever have a good time in Oklahoma?

[Eddie]

No, city.

[Carlie Tosh]

We'll be right back.

[Donut Guy]

Morning, Zoe. Got donuts.

[Jeff Bridges]

Jeff Bridges. Why are you still living above our garage?

[Donut Guy]

Well, I dig the mattress, and I want to be in a T Mobile commercial like you. Teach me.

[Eddie]

So. Dana.

[Jeff Bridges]

Oh, no, I'm not really prepared. I couldn't possibly AT T Mobile get the new iPhone 17 Pro on them. It's designed to be the most powerful iPhone yet and has the ultimate pro camera system.

[Donut Guy]

Wow, impressive. Let me try. T Mobile is the best place to get iPhone 17 Pro because they've got the best network.

[Carlie Tosh (Host)]

Nice.

[Jeff Bridges]

Jeffrey, you heard them.

[Carlie Tosh]

T Mobile is the best place to get the new iPhone 17 Pro on us with eligible traded in any condition.

[Donut Guy]

So what are we having for lunch?

[Jeff Bridges]

Dude, my work here is done.

[T-Mobile Ad Voice]

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[Carlie Tosh]

PA Show. Here's the dumb rule in basketball. I don't. I'm fine with the jump ball to start the game, okay? But what I don't like is when two players. When one player is holding a ball and falls down and then the other player jumps on top of. They call a jump ball, right? No, just let them keep going until one of them gets the ball.

[Eddie]

One clearly has possession. Yeah, let him go.

[Carlie Tosh]

Tug of war time.

[Eddie]

Elbows coming out.

[Carlie Tosh]

No, you just gotta pull the ball. You just gotta pull the ball out. What teams that. What team's that big old Australian on this year? Adams.

[Eddie]

Yeah, Adams is playing. Man, who was he? Where was he last year?

[Carlie Tosh]

He was not getting minutes in Houston. I think is my guess. He's on the Rockets. I got it.

[Eddie]

You got it.

[Carlie Tosh]

He's still on the Rockets.

[Eddie]

Yeah.

[Carlie Tosh]

Not giving him minutes is just. I don't get it. Give him minutes. He's just. He's good. He's an Energizer Bunny on top of being a beast. But I do get annoyed with anybody. There's not a stronger person in the NBA. I bet there is in New Zealand. He's from New Zealand. He's not from Australia. Yeah. I apologize to the Kiwis. My lock for this season. Whoever wins the NBA championship will have an awful hat.

[Eddie]

Agreed.

[Carlie Tosh]

I'm just looking at Eddie's hat right now and I'm furious.

[Eddie]

This isn't even a title hat.

[Carlie Tosh]

I know. It doesn't matter. Every title. Just Google NBA championship hats and the championship gear. Looks like they just grabbed a bunch of donations from fema. Here you go. Put these on.

[Eddie]

Put these on. Do an interview quick.

[Carlie Tosh]

I don't understand how a league that has the most fashionable people on the planet can pump out such gaudy, awful hats every year.

[Eddie]

Unimaginable.

[Carlie Tosh]

They're just. Just so much logo.

[Eddie]

I mean, he always says finals.

[Carlie Tosh]

Or they'll put the championship words like over the brim and wrap it around like, oh, God, I'll never wear this hat.

[Eddie]

Like, who wants this hat?

[Carlie Tosh]

Come on, guys. Good hat. You know who you get to make your championship hats? What's our buddy? Oh, kid. Super. Right, kids who get him to make the championship hats. Something. Something a little, you know, a little more low key.

[Eddie]

Your team colors.

[Carlie Tosh]

That would be cool. Now don't do the team colors. Forget that most of the team colors are awful. The Heat. Thank God the Heat came up with cool vice gear because the red and black is just awful. I do like that now how every team in sports will wear, like, uniforms that aren't even their colors anymore. And just watching old people go, I mean, in my day, you wore green pants and yellow shirts and you got out there and you got a concussion. Then you went home and you fucked your wife without her consent. By the way, this season, League Pass, the app. I refuse to watch the NBA on the League Pass app. Your app is garbage. It's always glitching. I always have to re log in. And then I. And for me to re log in, I have to call Pete. Hey, Pete, what's my password? Like I'm launching nuclear codes. No, but last year I was good because I went through YouTube TV, which worked well. This year it's. It's off YouTube. It's on to prime.

[Eddie]

Right?

[Carlie Tosh]

That's going to be bad. Oh, have you already ordered it? Or do you order it through the app?

[Eddie]

I have the app. You did just reorders.

[Carlie Tosh]

I won't do it. All right, so league packs, your garbage prime. You better be able to store every game. I don't want to fucking navigate through all your shit programming. And I only say that because of what you did to us, Eddie and I. Pete, on the goat. Are you gonna bring the goat back? You bring the goat back, I'll order. League pass for everybody? No, not for everyone. For myself. By the way, Ziz, do you see Carly today? Wow. I mean, I know I'm banging her, but. Guys, is there a person in here that wouldn't want to take a run at her if I were out of the picture?

[Eddie]

She's a smoke show.

[Carlie Tosh]

Thank you, Ed. I know Pete would do it. Pete's into weird shit. He'd bring her over with Sam.

[Eddie]

Little glances he's always making.

[Caller]

Awfully quiet.

[Carlie Tosh]

Yeah. Eddie, I hope to see you in the finals.

[Eddie]

Same buddy.

[Carlie Tosh]

Carl, who's your pick for this year's NBA season? Orlando Badger. Oh, my goodness.

[Eddie]

Yep.

[Carlie Tosh]

Orlando Magic.

[Eddie]

Good pick, Carl.

[Carlie Tosh]

All right, I got some plugs. The tour, it's starting to come together, guys. And when I tell you that this tour is going to be my biggest in a decade, I'm not exaggerating. I'm going all over the place. I'm letting the people get what they want. And that's some tosh face time. In cities and towns across this great nation that I haven't been to some of them in forever. These will be my first and last appearance in a majority of these locations. You're saying, well, why are you going there in the first place? Well, I got to. Okay. The good book.

[Eddie]

It's in the good book.

[Carlie Tosh]

It's in the good book. Nah, it's gonna be fun. We're gonna tour everywhere, right, Carl, you got a piece of hair sticking out of the bag. You don't care. The tour is gonna start next year. But before it officially starts, we. We've got shows in Billings, Montana, coming up. Okay. Salt Lake City, Utah. South Lake Tahoe. Portland, Oregon. Hello. Okay. Oh. Set down your. Your weapons. I come in peace. Seattle, one of my favorite towns. Bellingham, north of Seattle, right on the border. I went there a decade ago. I'm like, I've got to go back. And my. My agent's like, why? And I'm like, it was just a fun show at a fun show in Bellingham. So I'm trying to recreate it now. I bring my family. I hope I don't hate it. Then off to Vancouver. Whoa. Yeah. International. Well, yeah, these are all going on sale now. We're just start. Just. This is just to titillate you taste. Get a little tosh taste in your tush. That's disgusting. The rest of the tour will be announced soon, I promise you, Carl. All right, we got a potential suitors for my wife's cousin Amanda. Okay, let's hear. Because the past few weeks haven't been very promising.

[Caller]

Hi, Daniel. I'm actually calling on behalf of my Buddy Adam. He's 61185 on a good day. He does not like horses in particular, but his last girlfriend had some horse teeth. So shout out to her.

[Carlie Tosh]

Okay, now was his name Adam or was the guy he was calling on behalf of Adam?

[Eddie]

On behalf of Adam.

[Carlie Tosh]

Okay, I appreciate what he did now. He said 61185 on a good day. Meaning is he normally I would. I would interpret that is that he's a slender fella, not keeping the weight on right. So that's not good. And then he made fun of his ex girlfriend who had large teeth, which isn't good because if you kiss somebody and. And you have large teeth and you know that you. You're going to bonk teeth, it's just. It's not good. Y. Chewing on foil, it's bad. Well, only chewing on foil is only bad if you have old fillings. If you just have healthy teeth, it's okay to chew on foil.

[Eddie]

I have no fillings. It still tastes weird.

[Carlie Tosh]

No, you have a feeling it's like electrocutes you. No, it's. It'll go right to your brain. Okay. Anyway, this guy is right to call on someone else's behalf. You can nominate somebody. That's what you guys should be doing. The people listening to the show. You know you're not right, but you might know someone that is call on behalf of them and leave their information. That's fine. You have any other callers?

[Donut Guy]

We do.

[Carlie Tosh]

What do you got?

[Caller]

Hey, Daniel. My name's Matthew. Panama City, Florida.

[Carlie Tosh]

Matthew, huh?

[Caller]

I'm 5 foot 10 and I'm married and I'm 100% disabled. I don't do much of nothing anymore.

[Carlie Tosh]

Okay, well, yeah, Matthew's 5:10, married, disabled, and has no drive for life. He didn't mention if he likes horses or not, but I know someone else that was disabled that loved horses.

[Eddie]

Christopher Reeves.

[Carlie Tosh]

Christopher Reeves. I like them. Yeah, I mean, I like them. I know she's not going to, but it's not always about her. And Lord knows she can't pick them. See you next week.