Tosh Show – “My Wife’s Single Cousin”

Date: December 30, 2025
Host: Daniel Tosh
Featured Guests/Co-Hosts: “Eddie the Hitman” Gosling, Hutch, various callers

Episode Overview

In this final episode of 2025, Daniel Tosh and his comedic crew recount recent family holiday adventures—including a high-profile dinner at The French Laundry—while focusing on their ongoing bit: finding a romantic match for Panda, Daniel’s wife’s single cousin. The episode mixes personal storytelling, classic Tosh banter, and a hilarious parade of listener-submitted dating “auditions” for Panda, showcasing Tosh’s signature blend of irreverence, self-deprecation, and improvisational wit.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The French Laundry Family Saga

(from 01:32 through 16:58)

• New Year's Traditions & Resolutions

  • Daniel jokingly assigns his wife an annual “top 10 list” of self-improvements, humorously framing it as a generous relationship contribution.
  • “I make my wife just do like a top 10 list of ways she could improve as a wife.” (02:00, Daniel)

• The Quest for Coveted Reservations

  • Thanks to a former guest (sommelier Sarah Foote), Daniel’s extended family gets a hard-to-snag table at The French Laundry in Napa.
  • Last-minute drama ensues as Daniel pleads to add his children’s babysitter’s brother, John (culinary student), to the dinner party. There’s confusion and comedic exasperation over whether a table for seven can fit eight (“What table is for seven that you can't wedge into eight?” – 06:46).

• Experience at The French Laundry

  • Play-by-play of the meal: attentive service (“For each course, five new servers that I'd never seen.” – 09:54) and unique rituals like selecting knives with backstories.
  • Tosh interrogates the staff about theft (“What type of stuff are people trying to steal?” – 09:54), tries to “perform,” and comments on his digestive success with Imodium.
  • Receives a quirky memento: a little laundry pin, and sees a dubious quote of his posted in the kitchen.
  • Memorable moment: Tosh finds out the $2,600 bill is just the "upcharges," and the real total for eight is well north of $7,800 (12:44).

2. Holiday Travel & Family Dynamics

• Family Juggling:

  • Tosh leaves Panda, the beloved yet unpredictable (and allegedly untrustworthy) cousin, to watch his kids during the gourmet outing.
  • “I told her, I said, one day, one day you're going to find your Mr. Right, but in the meantime, it's working out real well for me that you don't have him, because I don't trust anybody else with my children.” (15:28, Daniel)

• On Panda’s Job Performance:

  • Shares a story about catching her in a lie over booking travel—comedic mock outrage, “What were you fucking do? Were you just acting and hoping that I would forget what you're looking for?” (16:57)

3. Dating Game for Panda: Listener Auditions

(from 20:09 onward, main segment stretches to roughly 40:00)

• Setup of the Bit:

  • Panda has “given up complete control” to Daniel in her romantic life; Tosh lines up a series of voicemails from would-be suitors.
  • “You have given up complete control to me in finding your husband slash father of your baby, correct?” (20:09, Daniel)

• Parade of Prospective Suitors:

  • Notable contestants:
    • Bill, 37, 5’10”, “over 300 lbs,” control systems engineer—“He sounds every bit of 300.” (20:43)
    • Edward, 5’8”, mechanical engineer, boasts about humor—“That just couldn't get any worse.” (21:16)
    • A software engineer who “hates horses”—“I mean, that's not going to be a good match for her.” (21:31)
    • “Cannoli eating champion” of Omaha—“12 times. He's…better than Jordan.” (22:54)
    • An escape artist, an inmate from Florida, a 64-year-old seeking vasectomy reversal (“And you'll have to pay for me to have my vasectomy reversed.” - 28:01), and a gay man offering to be "straight over there and gay over here."
  • Comedy peaks with:
    • Colby “like the cheese,” 47, construction contractor, world traveler and horse aficionado (“My aunt and uncle had about 25 head of Arabian horses.” 29:41). Colby later “breaks up” with Panda via second call: “Realized…at 47, I think my baby making days are behind me. But don’t give up.” (30:40)
    • The “100% pure hunk” who doesn't remember the interview questions but insists on his own hunkiness (24:41).
    • Ashley, a female caller, who bonds with Tosh over IBS and “shitting my pants”—“I'm a pretty woman who shits a lot and sometimes can't go on long drives.” (32:58)
    • Al, a 6’6” Canadian who only wants to “bang Daniel”—“I mean, big Canadian, right? I'm scared." (40:33)

• Daniel’s Commentary and Preferences:

  • Offers scathing, often absurd commentary on callers' suitability, height claims, horse affinity (vita,l since Panda loves horses), and more.
  • “If you’re 100% pure hunk, you don’t even need to tell me your height.” (25:02)
  • Dismisses “announcing that you’re white,” jokes that in the Midwest, it’s always “assumed unless you announce otherwise.” (29:22)

• Crowd Favorites and “Winners”:

  • John, St. Louis, 33, large, financially secure, promises unwavering loyalty to Tosh in family disputes—“The biggest state to my claim is I will unwaveringly take your side in any family matter or otherwise.” (38:30) Tosh dubs him “the winner” because his vote would finally give Daniel an ally in family disagreements (“Now it’s gonna be two.” 39:28)
  • Several callbacks/pseudo-breakups from contestants.

4. Meta-commentary & Show Culture

• Reflections on Listener Pool:
  • Tosh laments the lack of “cream of the crop” entries: “What's the opposite of the cream of the crop?” (37:12)
  • Concludes not to give up on Panda's love search heading into 2026—“Well, hopefully 2026, we find her love. See you next year.” (40:57)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

| Timestamp | Speaker | Quote | |-----------|-----------|-------| | 02:00 | Daniel Tosh | “I make my wife just do like a top 10 list of ways she could improve as a wife.” | | 06:46 | Daniel Tosh | “What table is for seven that you can't wedge into eight? ...I'm gonna fucking punt Pete through a door.” | | 09:54 | Daniel Tosh | “For each course, five new servers that I'd never seen”—on The French Laundry’s over-the-top service. | | 12:44 | Daniel Tosh | “It's over $7,800. Yeah, it's in that world. So. Yes, that is expensive. But. But I got a clothespin." | | 15:28 | Daniel Tosh | “One day you're going to find your Mr. Right, but...I don't trust anybody else with my children.” | | 16:57 | Daniel Tosh | “What were you fucking do? Were you just acting and hoping that I would forget what you're looking for?”—about catching Panda in a lie. | | 20:09 | Daniel Tosh | “You have given up complete control to me in finding your husband slash father of your baby, correct?” | | 22:54 | Daniel Tosh | “12 time Champion. ...That’s better than Jordan.” (referring to the Cannoli Eating Champion) | | 24:41 | Eddie/“contestant” | “I'm 100% pure hunk. Ooh, six foot one. Six foot two. We'll say six foot two.” | | 32:58 | Ashley (caller) | “I'm a pretty woman who shits a lot and sometimes can't go on long drives.” | | 38:30 | John (caller) | “I will unwaveringly take your side in any family matter or otherwise.” | | 39:13 | Daniel Tosh | “We got the winner. Yeah, that guy's gonna always be on my side." |

Timestamps for Important Segments

• [01:32] – Podcast kicks off, New Year’s jokes and French Laundry story begins
• [06:46] – Reservation drama and “table for seven” rant
• [09:53] – Observations on French Laundry service and food
• [12:44] – The shocking bill reveal
• [15:28] – Discussion about Panda, Daniel’s trust, and comedic family dynamics
• [20:09] – Dating game for Panda (main call-in segment begins)
• [22:54 - 40:00] – Series of suitor voicemails, comedic reactions, and favorites emerge
• [38:30] – John from St. Louis' winning call
• [40:55+] – Wrap-up, hopes for Panda’s 2026

Overall Tone & Style

• Playful, irreverent, unfiltered Tosh with a balance between personal anecdotes and listener engagement
• Littered with sarcasm, light-hearted cruelty, and self-deprecating humor ("I don't do this often, guys. Even though ... I'm just sharing it.")
• Willingness to poke fun at himself, family, and listeners equally
• Underlying warmth for family and friends amidst the jokes

Final Thoughts

This episode is a prime sample of the Tosh Show’s style: wry personal stories, sharp one-liners, and participatory comedy where listeners become part of the bit. Daniel’s sprawling French Laundry tale provides a perfect opener before the show transforms into a “comedic lonely hearts club,” lampooning both the process of matchmaking and the characters who phone in. The episode closes with the promise not to give up on Panda’s quest for love in the new year, capping off a year of Tosh-brand mischief and mayhem.