My Wife's Single Cousin

Summary

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Tosh Show – “My Wife’s Single Cousin”

Date: December 30, 2025
Host: Daniel Tosh
Featured Guests/Co-Hosts: “Eddie the Hitman” Gosling, Hutch, various callers

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Episode Overview

In this final episode of 2025, Daniel Tosh and his comedic crew recount recent family holiday adventures—including a high-profile dinner at The French Laundry—while focusing on their ongoing bit: finding a romantic match for Panda, Daniel’s wife’s single cousin. The episode mixes personal storytelling, classic Tosh banter, and a hilarious parade of listener-submitted dating “auditions” for Panda, showcasing Tosh’s signature blend of irreverence, self-deprecation, and improvisational wit.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The French Laundry Family Saga

(from 01:32 through 16:58)

• New Year's Traditions & Resolutions

  • Daniel jokingly assigns his wife an annual “top 10 list” of self-improvements, humorously framing it as a generous relationship contribution.
  • “I make my wife just do like a top 10 list of ways she could improve as a wife.” (02:00, Daniel)

• The Quest for Coveted Reservations

  • Thanks to a former guest (sommelier Sarah Foote), Daniel’s extended family gets a hard-to-snag table at The French Laundry in Napa.
  • Last-minute drama ensues as Daniel pleads to add his children’s babysitter’s brother, John (culinary student), to the dinner party. There’s confusion and comedic exasperation over whether a table for seven can fit eight (“What table is for seven that you can't wedge into eight?” – 06:46).

• Experience at The French Laundry

  • Play-by-play of the meal: attentive service (“For each course, five new servers that I'd never seen.” – 09:54) and unique rituals like selecting knives with backstories.
  • Tosh interrogates the staff about theft (“What type of stuff are people trying to steal?” – 09:54), tries to “perform,” and comments on his digestive success with Imodium.
  • Receives a quirky memento: a little laundry pin, and sees a dubious quote of his posted in the kitchen.
  • Memorable moment: Tosh finds out the $2,600 bill is just the "upcharges," and the real total for eight is well north of $7,800 (12:44).

2. Holiday Travel & Family Dynamics

• Family Juggling:

  • Tosh leaves Panda, the beloved yet unpredictable (and allegedly untrustworthy) cousin, to watch his kids during the gourmet outing.
  • “I told her, I said, one day, one day you're going to find your Mr. Right, but in the meantime, it's working out real well for me that you don't have him, because I don't trust anybody else with my children.” (15:28, Daniel)

• On Panda’s Job Performance:

  • Shares a story about catching her in a lie over booking travel—comedic mock outrage, “What were you fucking do? Were you just acting and hoping that I would forget what you're looking for?” (16:57)

3. Dating Game for Panda: Listener Auditions

(from 20:09 onward, main segment stretches to roughly 40:00)

• Setup of the Bit:

  • Panda has “given up complete control” to Daniel in her romantic life; Tosh lines up a series of voicemails from would-be suitors.
  • “You have given up complete control to me in finding your husband slash father of your baby, correct?” (20:09, Daniel)

• Parade of Prospective Suitors:

  • Notable contestants:
    • Bill, 37, 5’10”, “over 300 lbs,” control systems engineer—“He sounds every bit of 300.” (20:43)
    • Edward, 5’8”, mechanical engineer, boasts about humor—“That just couldn't get any worse.” (21:16)
    • A software engineer who “hates horses”—“I mean, that's not going to be a good match for her.” (21:31)
    • “Cannoli eating champion” of Omaha—“12 times. He's…better than Jordan.” (22:54)
    • An escape artist, an inmate from Florida, a 64-year-old seeking vasectomy reversal (“And you'll have to pay for me to have my vasectomy reversed.” - 28:01), and a gay man offering to be "straight over there and gay over here."
  • Comedy peaks with:
    • Colby “like the cheese,” 47, construction contractor, world traveler and horse aficionado (“My aunt and uncle had about 25 head of Arabian horses.” 29:41). Colby later “breaks up” with Panda via second call: “Realized…at 47, I think my baby making days are behind me. But don’t give up.” (30:40)
    • The “100% pure hunk” who doesn't remember the interview questions but insists on his own hunkiness (24:41).
    • Ashley, a female caller, who bonds with Tosh over IBS and “shitting my pants”—“I'm a pretty woman who shits a lot and sometimes can't go on long drives.” (32:58)
    • Al, a 6’6” Canadian who only wants to “bang Daniel”—“I mean, big Canadian, right? I'm scared." (40:33)

• Daniel’s Commentary and Preferences:

  • Offers scathing, often absurd commentary on callers' suitability, height claims, horse affinity (vita,l since Panda loves horses), and more.
  • “If you’re 100% pure hunk, you don’t even need to tell me your height.” (25:02)
  • Dismisses “announcing that you’re white,” jokes that in the Midwest, it’s always “assumed unless you announce otherwise.” (29:22)

• Crowd Favorites and “Winners”:

  • John, St. Louis, 33, large, financially secure, promises unwavering loyalty to Tosh in family disputes—“The biggest state to my claim is I will unwaveringly take your side in any family matter or otherwise.” (38:30) Tosh dubs him “the winner” because his vote would finally give Daniel an ally in family disagreements (“Now it’s gonna be two.” 39:28)
  • Several callbacks/pseudo-breakups from contestants.

4. Meta-commentary & Show Culture

• Reflections on Listener Pool:
  • Tosh laments the lack of “cream of the crop” entries: “What's the opposite of the cream of the crop?” (37:12)
  • Concludes not to give up on Panda's love search heading into 2026—“Well, hopefully 2026, we find her love. See you next year.” (40:57)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

| Timestamp | Speaker | Quote | |-----------|-----------|-------| | 02:00 | Daniel Tosh | “I make my wife just do like a top 10 list of ways she could improve as a wife.” | | 06:46 | Daniel Tosh | “What table is for seven that you can't wedge into eight? ...I'm gonna fucking punt Pete through a door.” | | 09:54 | Daniel Tosh | “For each course, five new servers that I'd never seen”—on The French Laundry’s over-the-top service. | | 12:44 | Daniel Tosh | “It's over $7,800. Yeah, it's in that world. So. Yes, that is expensive. But. But I got a clothespin." | | 15:28 | Daniel Tosh | “One day you're going to find your Mr. Right, but...I don't trust anybody else with my children.” | | 16:57 | Daniel Tosh | “What were you fucking do? Were you just acting and hoping that I would forget what you're looking for?”—about catching Panda in a lie. | | 20:09 | Daniel Tosh | “You have given up complete control to me in finding your husband slash father of your baby, correct?” | | 22:54 | Daniel Tosh | “12 time Champion. ...That’s better than Jordan.” (referring to the Cannoli Eating Champion) | | 24:41 | Eddie/“contestant” | “I'm 100% pure hunk. Ooh, six foot one. Six foot two. We'll say six foot two.” | | 32:58 | Ashley (caller) | “I'm a pretty woman who shits a lot and sometimes can't go on long drives.” | | 38:30 | John (caller) | “I will unwaveringly take your side in any family matter or otherwise.” | | 39:13 | Daniel Tosh | “We got the winner. Yeah, that guy's gonna always be on my side." |

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• [01:32] – Podcast kicks off, New Year’s jokes and French Laundry story begins
• [06:46] – Reservation drama and “table for seven” rant
• [09:53] – Observations on French Laundry service and food
• [12:44] – The shocking bill reveal
• [15:28] – Discussion about Panda, Daniel’s trust, and comedic family dynamics
• [20:09] – Dating game for Panda (main call-in segment begins)
• [22:54 - 40:00] – Series of suitor voicemails, comedic reactions, and favorites emerge
• [38:30] – John from St. Louis' winning call
• [40:55+] – Wrap-up, hopes for Panda’s 2026

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Overall Tone & Style

• Playful, irreverent, unfiltered Tosh with a balance between personal anecdotes and listener engagement
• Littered with sarcasm, light-hearted cruelty, and self-deprecating humor ("I don't do this often, guys. Even though ... I'm just sharing it.")
• Willingness to poke fun at himself, family, and listeners equally
• Underlying warmth for family and friends amidst the jokes

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Final Thoughts

This episode is a prime sample of the Tosh Show’s style: wry personal stories, sharp one-liners, and participatory comedy where listeners become part of the bit. Daniel’s sprawling French Laundry tale provides a perfect opener before the show transforms into a “comedic lonely hearts club,” lampooning both the process of matchmaking and the characters who phone in. The episode closes with the promise not to give up on Panda’s quest for love in the new year, capping off a year of Tosh-brand mischief and mayhem.

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Transcript

[Mrs. Claus's Younger Sister]

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[Daniel Tosh]

Drew Ski. Live with your legs, man.

[Eddie the Hitman Gosling]

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[Daniel Tosh]

Santa, did you get my letter?

[Drew Ski]

He's talking to you, britches.

[Daniel Tosh]

I'm not.

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[Daniel Tosh]

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[Daniel Tosh]

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[Daniel Tosh]

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[Drew Ski]

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[Daniel Tosh]

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[Daniel Tosh]

Tosh Show. Tosh Show. Tosh show from Show. Welcome to Tosh Show. I'm Daniel Tosh. That's Eddie the Hitman Gosling. What's up, everybody okay? 2025 in the books. This is our final podcast of the year. Ed. Yeah. You making any resolutions?

[Hutch]

No, no, no.

[Daniel Tosh]

Big mistake, buddy.

[Hutch]

I should be making them.

[Daniel Tosh]

Yeah. I make my wife just do like a top 10 list of ways she could improve as a wife.

[Hutch]

Just 10. That's nice.

[Daniel Tosh]

Very generous. Tell her if you don't put it down on paper, honey, the odds are you're not going to get better, you're.

[Hutch]

Not going to tackle the problem.

[Daniel Tosh]

And I help her. You know, I start off the first few, you know, you gotta. You gotta get the ball rolling. It's all like, you know, I need to start working out harder, longer Trainer. Need to eat better, need to cook better.

[Hutch]

Those are the first three.

[Daniel Tosh]

No, that's one. That's one. There's a few subsets. You get it.

[Eddie the Hitman Gosling]

That's good.

[Hutch]

Okay.

[Daniel Tosh]

That'S silly. No, my wife. There's nothing my wife could do to improve. Just perfect. Perfect. Not for me, but for someone. Let's go. My family. A lot of family time recently. I want to thank our former guest, the sommelier, Sarah Foote. She ticked off one of my father in law's bucket list items. Got us reservations to the French Laundry.

[Eddie the Hitman Gosling]

Wow.

[Daniel Tosh]

We're up in Napa now. Was it one of my dreams to eat at this restaurant, arguably one of the finest restaurants in the world? No, it wasn't. I would have been okay had I never gone there. I was happy that we got the opportunity, thanks to Sarah Foote, to go. Was it amazing? Yeah, it was amazing.

[Hutch]

That's good to hear.

[Daniel Tosh]

She made the reservation for us. Sarah Foote did. Cause Pete couldn't crack the system, apparently. I don't know. Very disappointing. But anyway, sheik's like, I got you. And then I'm like, oh, it's kind of a big party. How many? It kept changing. I'm like, it's seven.

[Hutch]

Love that.

[Daniel Tosh]

Oh, I'm sure they do. So we have this reservation for seven. This is in the wintertime. It's cool. So you're not eating outside? I think in the summer sometimes they have some tables outside and it was just delightful. Okay, let me start with this, though. This is what they give you. Little laundry pin. It's on your table. This is my receipt. Oh, we'll get to that later. You're allowed to take these. Okay. I'm not gonna get in trouble. They encourage you to take them? There are a lot of things there they don't encourage you to take. I had a conversation with one of the servers. Listen, here's what happened. The last minute, this reservation, we're all excited about it. The family, my wife's parents, her brother, and Dr. Jocelyn, who's been on this show. And her husband, he was floored. Eric, Jocelyn's. Did I say husband? They're not married. They live in sin. They have two children. They are not married. Anyway, he couldn't have been more excited about this. I could tell that this was like one of his bucket list, even though he's young. Kind of weird to have a bucket list. Yeah, you shouldn't have a bucket list until you're at least 60. Yeah, I think as soon as you create a bucket list, death is Knocking.

[Hutch]

It's eminent.

[Daniel Tosh]

Yeah, okay, but they have two kids and they have never left their newborn. Newborn's like three months old. But he's like, whatever. They, like, called front desk at the hotel. You guys got sitters? They're like, yeah, okay, watch our three month old. We're going to. So he was thrilled to death and, you know, an irresponsible parent, but whatever. He got to come. But last minute panda, who was watching our children, you're like, oh, you don't include her. You don't let her come to the rest. No, I don't. And here's why. She rarely eats. She's one of those people.

[Hutch]

Yeah, you're right.

[Daniel Tosh]

She doesn't eat a lot. She'll have a bowl of soup and say, I had soup six days ago, I'm fine. So, no, I'm not going to waste money on fine dining for her. Anyway, she was happy to help. So she was watching my kids, but then her brother, John. John, you know, the guy that got jerked off in Mexico? Yeah, that. Guess. Okay. He's in this world. He's like going to culinary school. I'm like, oh, he's gotta come. So I tell Pete, I say, pete, can we add one more person to our table? And he's like, you know, they're not good about this. And he can't get him on the phone. And he's trying, you know, Sarah Foot's already done all the real work, got the reservation, seven people. And I'm like, just. It's one. He finally gets through. Like, this is for weeks leading up to it, right? I keep telling John, john, you're coming to Napa. I can't guarantee that we can get you into the restaurant. He's like, okay. But he was really sad and depressed.

[Hutch]

Of course.

[Daniel Tosh]

Finally they call Pete back and they tell Pete, oh, no, the table's for seven. I'm like, what table is for seven that you can't wedge into eight? I can't even come up with a thing in my head now. I'm not mad at them. I'm not mad at the French Laundry. I'm mad at Pete for not being able to pull this off. Then I say to Pete, I say, pete, why don't I just show up with him at the restaurant and tell him, listen, we're going to ask if you can join us. And if you can't, then you leave. We've already been told no, but I don't want to push it and I don't want to ruin the nice gesture. That Sarah did for us by. By getting us in. Anyway, John's like, no, it's okay. He's just going to stay home with his sister in the hotel playing with my kids. Super sweet. I go, no, no, you get ready to go. I'm going to get there. It's 20 minutes away from our hotel. I'm going to. I'm going to talk to them. When I walk in face to face. If you can come, you jump in an Uber immediately and get here, because it's a big deal. I'm not going to this restaurant ever again. I mean, maybe I do. It depends. Pretty expensive. Anyway, we get there, I see the hostess and I say to her, listen, I'm going to ask you something, but I don't care if you say no. We have another person. They are not with us. They are back at the hotel. If they could join us, then I will have them Uber here and get here immediately. But there's no pressure. I understand. We've already asked. We've already called in and bugged you guys about this, but if you can, that would be amazing. But if not, we're gonna have the best night of our life. Okay? She's like, well, let me just ask my manager. That shouldn't be a problem. And her manager comes back and says, and he goes, that's not a problem. And I just would go, I'm gonna fucking punt Pete through a door.

[Hutch]

Maybe Pete had a different number.

[Daniel Tosh]

No, I don't. He. They couldn't. They're like, of course they're like. They're like, what table is for seven that can't fit eight?

[Eddie the Hitman Gosling]

That's what I call the French Canadian line.

[Daniel Tosh]

Okay, now, now here's the thing, though. As soon as I sat at the table, I was like, oh, you know what? It actually made sense that on the seven, it is a circle. The table was a circle. But still. And you know, and you get so many plates. I understand. We were. Nobody was smushed. We were. We were eight. And now. Am I complaining? No, I'm not complaining. But I was like, let's just start. As soon as we all, the seven of us sat down. We're waiting on a 20 minute Uber ride. They waited. They did the restaurant, waited till he got there. They didn't want to start the show without him. I'm like, let his courses pile up.

[Hutch]

Yeah, you guys catch up. Catch up, John.

[Daniel Tosh]

Okay, now, let me tell you about the food. It's good. Oh, man, is it good. Not as bougie as Providence, I would say.

[Hutch]

Okay.

[Daniel Tosh]

You know, not like, oh, my goodness, what is this? Like, the food was recognizable. And I was just like, this is amazing. Every. Everybody was getting excited, and I was, you know, the servers, just the way they come in at a table of seven and just, you know, like, every time there's five new servers that I've never seen.

[Eddie the Hitman Gosling]

Wow.

[Daniel Tosh]

For each course, and they're taking plates away, and it's just beautiful to watch. And. And I start, you know, I'm performing. I'm on fire that night. I'm like, hey, hey. What type of stuff are people trying to steal? And she's like, oh, the knives. Because all of a sudden, when we got to this entree course, they present you with knives that have a backstory, and you get to pick which knife you want from this box. And she goes, yeah, I watched somebody stick one in their purse. And I had to, like, be like, hey, I saw you put in your purse. You're going to have to take it out.

[Hutch]

That's embarrassing.

[Daniel Tosh]

Yeah, it's very embarrassing.

[CarMax Announcer]

Big.

[Daniel Tosh]

Meanwhile, I was like, well, I'm gonna try to steal one. Okay, here it is. Here you go. No, no, I don't. I don't steal. Also a close bathroom to our table, which was very exciting. But I had doubled up on Imodium, and guess what? I was rock solid. The whole night. I was rock solid. Dessert was so good. Here's the thing. They gave us five desserts, okay? Five little desserts, right? But guess what? They all came at the exact same time. Uh. Oh, there's just. And they're like little cinnamon donuts. Winner. You know, just every little thing. A little pot, the creme, whatever. Just heaven.

[Dan Morgan]

Just.

[Daniel Tosh]

You just went around. I just. I devoured. Oh, it was so good. I mean, just. Yeah, it is what it is. It's the. The best meal of your life. Now comes the check, right? Normally you go to a restaurant like this, I would think it's just like, you and your partner, two people. That seems like a typical party at the French Laundry. But this. This was. Was eight people.

[Hutch]

Eight people.

[Daniel Tosh]

And I was a little nervous when I saw the check, and then I saw the bill, and I'm like, well, that's not that bad.

[Hutch]

Oh, really?

[CarMax Announcer]

Yeah.

[Eddie the Hitman Gosling]

Okay.

[Daniel Tosh]

It was right here. It's not that bad. I was like, oh, it's only $2,600 for eight people.

[Hutch]

At the French Laundry.

[Daniel Tosh]

At the French Laundry. Now, guess what? Pete. Pete didn't tell me that. When you make the reservation, now it's on there. I saw it once. I Started studying. It is that he prepays immediately upon making the reservation. You pay for, like, the meal. So this was just like, up charges and stuff.

[Hutch]

Oh, wow.

[Daniel Tosh]

Oh, wow is right.

[Hutch]

I'm going to have diarrhea.

[Daniel Tosh]

Yeah. You know, this is more than my first car.

[Hutch]

Oh, wow.

[Daniel Tosh]

And I bought a new car. You guys know I had an si. Oh, yeah. Okay. That Civic.

[Eddie the Hitman Gosling]

Oh, what's the final number?

[Daniel Tosh]

I mean, I don't. What. What do you. I. It was. It's big. It's over 7,8300. Yeah. It's in that world. So. Yes, that is expensive. But. But I got a clothespin.

[Hutch]

That's pretty cool.

[Daniel Tosh]

Okay. And then after the dinner, they took me into the kitchen. They had a photo of me in their prep station area that I was eating there that night. And then a quote of something I've said. Now, the quote that they put for me, I don't think I took a photo of it. Wildly inappropriate.

[Hutch]

What was it?

[Daniel Tosh]

I don't remember. But not what I would want attached to me as, like, here. But they just, like, if they're serving someone of note, they put a little quote from them up. And I thought that was nice. And, you know, the family was impressed. We got to take a family photo in the kitchen and, you know, just as nice as can be. Ah, the French laundry. That's awesome. I mean, everyone was blown away. So Sarah Foote, she made my family very happy this holiday season. They all got a taste of the high life.

[Hutch]

Yeah, they did. What was your favorite course?

[Daniel Tosh]

I don't remember.

[Hutch]

I was gonna say probably dessert. You love dessert.

[Daniel Tosh]

No, there was. The desserts were. The way they presented dessert was amazing. Yeah, great. It was just perfect. But no, there was some. I mean, there were so many things that were just amazing.

[Hutch]

But, like, how many courses just came out?

[Daniel Tosh]

Like you said, it's just 10, 15. I don't know. You know, then they're like bringing random. Oh, this is just something that they thought you would put in your mouth again. I don't do this often, guys. Even though you hear. You've heard a couple stories from me, I'm just. I'm sharing it. I was working up there. I did two shows in Monterey, one show in Santa Cruz, one show in San Francisco. Had a couple nights off. So there we were.

[Eddie the Hitman Gosling]

Did you meet Thomas Keller?

[Daniel Tosh]

I didn't meet Thomas Keller, but we drove by his house, and apparently his old BMW right there, like, that's his car. That's what he drives every day. Just in the parking lot or in the Driveway. So he was home. But, no, I did not meet Thomas Keller. I mean, that would have been nice. Had he been there.

[Hutch]

Yeah. I mean, maybe he went to the house.

[Daniel Tosh]

Maybe he's not a fan. Maybe he doesn't subscribe.

[Eddie the Hitman Gosling]

Maybe he picked the quote.

[Daniel Tosh]

Maybe the restaurant was at capacity when we added Jon Jon and he couldn't attend.

[Eddie the Hitman Gosling]

By law, he could not come in.

[Daniel Tosh]

Yeah, that's it. So many servers. So many servers. I liked my server. I mean, I liked. Throughout the night. You have 15. But one girl I was having a good rapport with. You know, finding out about stuff.

[Hutch]

About the knife.

[Daniel Tosh]

Oh, the knife. Stealing. Anyway, get home to our hotel room, which is a cottage. Okay. I'm not gonna say where I stay when I'm in Napa, but it's at the Four Seasons and kids are asleep. Amanda's there. I brought her, you know, a few extra cinnamon donuts. She didn't want them. She had soup a month ago, but I saved them for breakfast. The kids loved them. And I told her, I said, one day, one day you're going to find your Mr. Right. But in the meantime, it's working out real well for me that you don't have them, because I don't trust anybody else with my children. And she's not particularly good or responsible, but the kids love her and trustworthy. I mean, she's lied to me. I've caught her before. Lying. One time I asked her, I said, hey, did you book that ticket that I needed you to book? And she said, yeah. And I said, oh, when is it? And she's like, oh, it's like, Wednesday. I'm like, when is it? Exactly? And then, like, she grabs her. I go, just pull it up and show me. And then she, like, grabs her phone and starts going through her phone. And then at one point, she just stops and just looks at me, goes, I didn't book it yet. And I go, what were you fucking do? Were you just acting and hoping that I would forget what you're looking for? Listen, don't worry about that, fellas. She's not.

[Hutch]

Yeah, she's not gonna lie to you.

[Daniel Tosh]

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Everyone deserves to be connected. That's why T Mobile and US Cellular are joining forces. Switch to T Mobile and save up to 20% versus Verizon by getting built in benefits they leave out. Check the math@t mobile.com and now T Mobile is in US cellular stores.

[T-Mobile Legal Announcer]

Savings versus Comparable Verizon plans plus the cost of optional benefits, plan features and Texas and fees vary. Savings with three plus lines include third line free via monthly bill credits. Credit stop if you cancel any lines. Qualifying credit required.

[Daniel Tosh]

Paw show you have given up complete control to me in finding your husband slash father of your baby. Correct? Yeah. Just say hi to all your potential men out there. Just give them a nice hello. Hello. Oh, God. I don't know how promising some of these leads are. You got one for me, Eddie?

[Hutch]

Yeah, let's hear one.

[Eddie the Hitman Gosling]

Hey, what's up? I'm Bill 37. I'm a control systems engineer. Five, ten, over £300.

[Hutch]

Whoa.

[Eddie the Hitman Gosling]

I rode a horse once.

[Daniel Tosh]

He sounds every bit of 300. He said he ate a horse once.

[Hutch]

I mean, he said he. He rode one.

[Daniel Tosh]

He rode a horse. He hurt a horse. Sounds like he's. Sounds like he broke a horse. He's at over 300. So if you're 303, you're not saying over 300. He's well over 300.

[Hutch]

A lot of numbers over 300.

[Eddie the Hitman Gosling]

My name is Edward. I'm 5, 8, 160 pounds. I'm a mechanical engineer. And I would make you laugh harder and better than anybody has ever.

[Daniel Tosh]

That just couldn't get any worse.

[Hutch]

Go, Big Red.

[Daniel Tosh]

That guy sounds like a. Hi.

[Eddie the Hitman Gosling]

I'm a software engineer. I'm five, ten and a half. I hate horses. I wouldn't care if they went extinct.

[Daniel Tosh]

Okay, first of all, five, ten and a half.

[Hutch]

He's really stretching himself.

[Daniel Tosh]

That's where he starts.

[Hutch]

Yeah.

[Daniel Tosh]

And then he says he hates horses and wouldn't care if they went extinct. I mean, that's not going to be a good match for her.

[Hutch]

I don't think it seems like the worst match.

[Eddie the Hitman Gosling]

Hey there. My name is Andrew. I'm. I'm from Columbus, Ohio.

[Ashley]

I'm 33 years old.

[Eddie the Hitman Gosling]

Five foot ten, 160 pounds.

[Daniel Tosh]

All right.

[Eddie the Hitman Gosling]

I'm a white guy.

[Daniel Tosh]

Come on, guys. These are 160. Yeah, she loves horses, okay? She doesn't want to marry a jockey.

[Eddie the Hitman Gosling]

Hey, big bro. Call me back. I'm excited to Amanda and watch sports with you, bud.

[Daniel Tosh]

I like him. I like that guy. I like that he. That he censored himself by hitting a button on his phone to bleep out what he was going to do to Panda.

[Eddie the Hitman Gosling]

I would be an awesome date for Amanda because, well, I would be an awesome day. I am the 12 time canola leading champion of the Santa Lucia Festival in Omaha, Nebraska.

[Daniel Tosh]

I mean, this guy, the Cannoli Eaton Champion 12 times in Nebraska. 12 times. He's. He travels for the. Is that where the only cannoli contest is? Or is that just a market that he dominates?

[Hutch]

Probably dominating kind of a situation.

[Daniel Tosh]

The 12 time champion. I mean, that's better than Jordan. Yeah, yeah, you wouldn't. You wouldn't put him in. There's nobody you can compare him to.

[Hutch]

12.

[Daniel Tosh]

Yeah, no, not LeBron. None of these guys have done 12 champions. Tom Brady, eat your heart out. This guy's putting rings on his toes.

[Eddie the Hitman Gosling]

Hey, Josh, I got a proposition for you. You date Amanda because you fit all of those, and I'll start dating your wife. Think about it. Let me know.

[Hutch]

You thinking about it?

[Daniel Tosh]

Thinking about it. I think about that every night of my life.

[Eddie the Hitman Gosling]

Oh, hey, Tosh, this is Luke. I'm interested in panda.

[Daniel Tosh]

Okay.

[Eddie the Hitman Gosling]

I'm six. Five on six.

[Ashley]

Four and a half.

[Eddie the Hitman Gosling]

My dating profile say six five away. 195. 26 years old.

[Daniel Tosh]

Oh, young.

[Eddie the Hitman Gosling]

I'm a barista currently, but I'm looking to get back into corporate America.

[Daniel Tosh]

I mean, he's. He's. He's. Technically, he's old enough. She could be his mom.

[Hutch]

Oh, there is.

[Daniel Tosh]

Well, what do you mean? Well, just. I mean, yeah, if she had her period by 14 or 13. Yeah. No, yeah, then she definitely could be his mom looking. Isn't that all it takes? I think, yeah, once you have your first period. She definitely had her first period by 14.

[Eddie the Hitman Gosling]

Hey. Yeah, this is. This is Reuben from SoCal. I'm an escape artist.

[Daniel Tosh]

Okay. No, please.

[Eddie the Hitman Gosling]

Hey, interested in potentially being a partner for Panda?

[Daniel Tosh]

Good.

[Eddie the Hitman Gosling]

Your wife's cousin?

[Daniel Tosh]

Yep.

[Eddie the Hitman Gosling]

I'm 100% pure hunk. Ooh, six foot one. Six foot two. We'll say six foot two. What were the other questions? I can't remember. Did I mention I'm 100% pure hunk?

[Hutch]

100% pure hunk.

[Daniel Tosh]

If you're 100% pure hunk, you don't even need to tell me your height. I know you're over six feet. He didn't. He didn't say he was 80% hunk.

[Hutch]

Right?

[Daniel Tosh]

Somebody five. 10.

[Eddie the Hitman Gosling]

Is this the free wife line? I was calling for free wife. I won't bother you on vacation or talk to you at all, really. I'll just go for free. Thanks.

[Daniel Tosh]

Are these the people that are listening to this show? That guy just said, I'm calling for the free wife. Is this the free wife line? And she's not a free wife. Guys, I've said she's into horses. That's the furthest thing away from free. She's going to cost you an arm and a leg. Four.

[Eddie the Hitman Gosling]

Hey, Tosh. My name is Michael. I am six foot one. I live in New York, and I go between LA and New York for work. Now, I'm pretty good looking, I'm pretty tall, and I like to have a good time, go out in nature, all that good stuff. I will say that I would be really interested to date Amanda. Now, technically, I am gay, but figured I could go back and forth between LA and New York and be straight over there and gay over here.

[Daniel Tosh]

Okay. All right.

[Eddie the Hitman Gosling]

If that all works out, let me know.

[Daniel Tosh]

I mean, I think legally I have to keep his name in the hat. Just because he's gay doesn't mean that he shouldn't be allowed to find love.

[Hutch]

Exactly.

[Daniel Tosh]

Okay. You can't. You can't put a phone number up. That's what I've learned. That's what people should do. They should call and just. Was he singing or did he. I think he said Amanda at the end. Play that last part at the very end again. Yeah, I think he says Amanda right there.

[Hutch]

Could be.

[Daniel Tosh]

I like it. I like it. I don't know. I don't know what he said about himself, but I think he's a great fit. This sounds like love.

[Eddie the Hitman Gosling]

Hi, Marcus. I'm 30. I'm terrible.

[Daniel Tosh]

He just gave up.

[Eddie the Hitman Gosling]

Cool.

[Ashley]

This is a prepaid collect call from Jim, an inmate at Florida Correctional Institution. This call is subject to recording and monitoring.

[Daniel Tosh]

Okay. All right. So this guy's in jail, but he's in jail in Florida, which is where Amanda's from.

[Hutch]

Yeah. So yes, maybe. Same circles.

[Daniel Tosh]

At one point, it doesn't seem like he's gonna have the means to provide. Can you buy horses with cigarettes?

[Eddie the Hitman Gosling]

I'm five foot nine. I weigh 195 pounds. That and I'm 64 years old.

[Daniel Tosh]

Oh, geez.

[Eddie the Hitman Gosling]

And you'll have to pay for me to have my vasectomy reversed.

[Daniel Tosh]

Vasectomy.

[Eddie the Hitman Gosling]

But I'll do it. I'd love to bang your sister in law.

[Daniel Tosh]

That guy's crazy. Listen, it's not my sister in law. You want to be my sister in law? Have at her. That's. That's fine. I give you her number.

[Eddie the Hitman Gosling]

Hey, what's up, Daniel? My name's andy. I am 6ft tall, I just turned 40, I'm white, I live in Manhattan beach, and I voted for Kamala. Very liberal in that regard. I am a veterinarian, so definitely got the equine experience. And I do love horses. I always said I'm interested and excited to have kids with the right person. I am divorced once. I don't have any kids. But definitely very interested in meeting and getting to know Amanda. I laugh easily. I've been a big fan of yours and your show for a long time, and I'm an aspiring surfer. So, yeah, I think you'd have a good time with me, but I think, more importantly, Amanda would have a real good time with me.

[Daniel Tosh]

Whoa. I mean, this. This might be. This might be a winner.

[Hutch]

Yeah, this is great.

[Daniel Tosh]

I gotta. We do a little background check and we'll. Seth, he's local, he's white, and that's. I'll be honest, that's actually a strike against him. Not because he's white, because he announced that he's white. You don't announce that you're white. We assume you're white unless you announce otherwise.

[Eddie the Hitman Gosling]

Hey, Amanda. My name is Colby, like the cheese. I'm 5 foot 10, 200 pounds. I grew up in a small town in Idaho. My aunt and uncle had about 25 head of Arabian horses. I grew up around those things and all their shit. I am a heavy equipment construction contractor. I have traveled the world. In fact, I once rode horses on the Inca trails in the Andes Mountains in Peru.

[Daniel Tosh]

How old is this motherfucker?

[Eddie the Hitman Gosling]

47 years old. And I didn't vote.

[Daniel Tosh]

Ah. What was his name? Colby. Colby, like the cheese.

[Hutch]

Like the cheese.

[Daniel Tosh]

Oh, I'm. I came around on Colby taking a lot of boxes. He's kind of funny.

[Hutch]

Well, he called back.

[Daniel Tosh]

We got another message. Another message from Colby. Like the cheese. Let's hear it.

[Eddie the Hitman Gosling]

Hey, Amanda, this is Colby, like the cheese from yesterday. I realized that Daniel said something about making babies. And at 47, I think my baby making days are behind me. But don't give up. There's still somebody out there for you.

[Daniel Tosh]

Colby called back a day later to break up with her, but he did it like a gentleman. He did, which makes me think he would be good. And what does he mean 47 is too old for children? I had a child at 48.

[Hutch]

There you go. I mean, you can do it.

[Daniel Tosh]

Colby, like Al Pacino had a child like a week ago. He's 90. Hey, Jim, are you interested in marrying her or is that not what you're calling about at all?

[Eddie the Hitman Gosling]

Oh, I'd love to marry her. She's hot. But it wouldn't work out there for several reasons. One of them, one of the big ones. I do not like Horses. Howdy, Tanner. 30 years old. Pilot, six, four, two, 90, balding. Negative on equine experiences. We would get along because I will leave you alone while the wives go on excursions and try new things.

[Daniel Tosh]

Oh, man, that guy gets it. He's concise. Six, four, balding. We're like the same person. Or. He said six, two, balding, six, four. He said six, four, balding, 290. Good. Then neither one of us are going to see each other's bald spots. We're, like, looking eye to eye. Yeah.

[Eddie the Hitman Gosling]

Hi, Daniel.

[Ashley]

My name's Ashley. I know it's a woman. I'm not a man. But I just wanted to call anyways because Amanda's really pretty and so is your wife. And you. I'm five seven, and I think you and I would get along on vacation. Well, actually, maybe we wouldn't, because I also have ibs and I'm also always shitting my pants. And I really, honestly.

[Hutch]

Hang on.

[Ashley]

I truly appreciate how open you are with it because it was something that I used to be so embarrassed about. I would lie. I would be like, oh, I. I'm throwing up. And I would make, like, coughing sounds while I'm shitting my brains out. But I've just accepted it now. You know, I'm. I'm a pretty woman who shits a lot and sometimes can't go on long drives.

[Daniel Tosh]

Put that on a T shirt.

[Ashley]

Have to shit on the side of the road.

[Daniel Tosh]

I'm a pretty woman who shits a lot.

[Hutch]

There you go.

[Eddie the Hitman Gosling]

Actually, I'm calling for Eddie. No, Eddie, it's Hutch. We met in Indy. I would like to be to submit my own name. 64 years old, been married twice, got two kids. 5 foot 8, 180 pounds, retired. Don't know about horses, but, hey, I would be fun to hang out with. Hope you guys are well.

[Daniel Tosh]

Is that person calling for you?

[Hutch]

I think he's calling to. I did meet him in Indianapolis.

[Daniel Tosh]

You know who that is?

[Hutch]

I know Hutch. He communicates with me sometimes through my website.

[Daniel Tosh]

You talk to fans?

[Hutch]

I do. I went out.

[Daniel Tosh]

What the fuck is wrong with you?

[Hutch]

He actually called back.

[Daniel Tosh]

No, Hutch called back again. Left another voicemail. Let me hear Hutch's next call.

[Eddie the Hitman Gosling]

Eddie, Hutch again. I just saw the picture of her with the swollen eye. That's a hard pass for me. Sorry.

[Daniel Tosh]

Okay. But that's good. So, Hutch. Hut. Hutch withdrew himself. I was coming around on Hutch. Even though he'd been married twice, which I think is a deal breaker, he's five eight. Which is a deal breaker breaker. And he's old as. We'll be right back, guys.

[Mrs. Claus's Younger Sister]

Thanks for helping me carry my Christmas tree, Zoe.

[Drew Ski]

This thing weighs a ton.

[Daniel Tosh]

Drewy, lift with your legs, man.

[Eddie the Hitman Gosling]

Santa.

[Daniel Tosh]

Santa, did you get my letter?

[Drew Ski]

He's talking to you, Bridges.

[Daniel Tosh]

I'm not.

[Mrs. Claus's Younger Sister]

Of course he did. Right, Santa?

[Daniel Tosh]

You know my elf Drew here. He handles the nice list.

[Drew Ski]

And elf. I'm six' three. What everyone wants is iPhone 17 and at T Mobile. You can get it on them. That center stage front camera is amazing for group selfies. Right, Mrs. Claus?

[Mrs. Claus's Younger Sister]

I'm Mrs. Claus's much younger sister. And AT T Mobile, there's no trade in needed when you switch. So you can keep your old phone.

[Daniel Tosh]

Or give it as a gift.

[Mrs. Claus's Younger Sister]

And the best part, you can make the switch to T mobile from your phone in just 15 minutes.

[Daniel Tosh]

Nice.

[Drew Ski]

My side of the tree is slipping.

[Daniel Tosh]

Kimber.

[T-Mobile Announcer]

The holidays are better. AT T Mobile, switch in just 15 minutes and get iPhone 17 on us. With no trade in needed. And now T Mobile. T Mobile is available in US cellular.

[T-Mobile Legal Announcer]

Stores with 24 month legal credits for well qualified customers plus tax and $35 device connection charge credits and balance due if you pay off earlier. Cancel finance agreement. 256g $830. Eligible Ford in a new line. $100 plus a month plan with auto pay plus taxes and fees required. Check out 15 minutes or less per line. Visit t mobile.com.

[Dan Morgan]

I've got Dan Morgan here on the pod. Say hi, Dan.

[Daniel Tosh]

Hey.

[Dan Morgan]

How's it going today? It's going good, man. Tell us who you are and what you do. I'm Dan Morgan. I'm an attorney and a managing partner at Morgan and Morgan, which is America's largest injury law firm. That's pretty awesome.

[Eddie the Hitman Gosling]

Why do you guys think you win so many cases?

[Dan Morgan]

The insurance companies and other companies that we go against know that we're going to take it to the end that we believe in the case. So we fight for every dollar and we're not afraid to go that extra mile for our clients. Our insurance company's like actually afraid of you guys. We don't bluff. We take it to trial. And we are not strangers of getting very, very, very large verdicts. Awesome.

[Eddie the Hitman Gosling]

So how does someone get in contact with Morgan and Morgan?

[Dan Morgan]

What would I do if I got into an accident? Probably the easiest way is dialing pound law. That's £529 from your cell phone. Our call center is always waiting to take your call. 24 7, 365.

[Daniel Tosh]

Wow.

[Eddie the Hitman Gosling]

Dan Morgan from Morgan and Morgan, America's.

[Dan Morgan]

Largest injury law firm. Thanks for coming by the show. Thanks for having me. Visit forthepeople.com for an office near you.

[CarMax Announcer]

Want to buy your way? Of course you do. That's why CarMax offers an experience designed just for you. Want to start online, then visit the lot, then go back online? Sure. Want to talk to a real person or chat online? Either works. Want to take your time and compare all the makes and models? No problem. Then make up some time by filling out the paperwork at home and schedule express pickup or home delivery. Done. When it comes to how you buy, CarMax puts you in the driver's seat. Want to drive? Carmax delivery restrictions apply. See carmax.com for details.

[Daniel Tosh]

I can't believe none of those fellas. We're a perfect match, but we're not going to give up. We might have to have her on the show. I think if people see the energy that she exudes, they will, you know, maybe we'll get better callers because right now the callers are, I don't know, not the cream of the crop. What's the opposite of the cream of the crop?

[Hutch]

The crust of the muffin.

[Daniel Tosh]

Well, we'll get some better guys. Don't worry. Don't give up on love, Panda, because we're not going to give up on you. That was nice.

[Hutch]

That's pretty good.

[Daniel Tosh]

Patreon.com tosshow Check it out. What does that cost?

[Eddie the Hitman Gosling]

Five bucks.

[Daniel Tosh]

Five dollars? Wow. My first farewell tour. On sale now markets everywhere. Oh, what's that cost? What do tickets cost to see us perform, Eddie? Do you know?

[Hutch]

I guess 80 to 120.

[Daniel Tosh]

No. What, more? It better not be that much. No, less. I bet you it's way less. If you're buying them secondhand, maybe, but that second hand's on you. I'm giving you plenty of time to scoop up those tickets while they're affordable. And lord knows the economy is just heading in the right direction. But we're also performing in Canada and vice versa. So depending on whose dollar is stronger, maybe you just. You go from one to the other.

[Hutch]

Right.

[Daniel Tosh]

Tossshowstore.com get some merch. Now do we have some new voicemails? We do for my wife's cousin Panda. Let's hear them.

[Eddie the Hitman Gosling]

Hey there, Dan. Big fancy 09. I'm John, 6333 220, also from 314St. Louis, which literally means not spent a lot of time on my aunt's ranch where she had three horses. Some horse Comfortable, but not mentally ill. I repeat, not mentally ill. Good. I'm very giving, broad sense of humor and financially well off. The biggest state to my claim is I will unwaveringly take your side in any family matter or otherwise. And I'll be looking forward to probably never hearing from you.

[Daniel Tosh]

Okay.

[Eddie the Hitman Gosling]

Have a good day.

[Daniel Tosh]

We got it.

[Hutch]

Yep.

[Daniel Tosh]

We got the winner. Yeah, that guy's gonna always be on my side.

[Eddie the Hitman Gosling]

Right?

[Daniel Tosh]

I need an extra vote because right now every vote that happens in our families is always like 14 to one.

[Hutch]

You got an alliance.

[Daniel Tosh]

Now it's gonna be two.

[CarMax Announcer]

Yep.

[Daniel Tosh]

Good. I like him. That guy seems pretty good. He's, you know, 33, a little young, but that's, that's fine. He's big. That's going to be. That's going to be scary.

[Hutch]

St. Louis, 33. That seems a little older.

[Daniel Tosh]

Oh, I love St. Louis, man. Every time I get a chance to go up that arch, I do it and it crack open a bush. I love. When I'm in St. Louis, I love a bush beer. Okay. I like to go up in the arch.

[Hutch]

Yep. Have a toasted ravioli.

[Daniel Tosh]

I'm going to head on over to Elephant Rock.

[Hutch]

I don't know Elephant Rock.

[Daniel Tosh]

There's a place Johnson shut inside in the summer. You can climb on rocks.

[Hutch]

All right.

[Daniel Tosh]

Yeah. We got any other callers? Yep, we got more callers.

[Hutch]

One more.

[Daniel Tosh]

One more caller. Let's hear them.

[Eddie the Hitman Gosling]

I'm al. I'm married. Six, six, 200 pounds. I run my own company. I'm Canadian. Realistically, I just want to bang Daniel. So that's the only reason why I'm trying to do this.

[Daniel Tosh]

I mean, big Canadian, right? I'm scared.

[Hutch]

Yeah, he is big.

[Daniel Tosh]

I don't, I don't. If you marry my wife's cousin, you don't get to bang me.

[Hutch]

He's married already.

[Daniel Tosh]

Oh, right. Well, he's Canadian. He doesn't have an American wife.

[Hutch]

Doesn't matter, right? New wife down here bangs you. Canadian guy big.

[Daniel Tosh]

No, I don't want this. I don't want this guy anywhere near my family.

[Hutch]

He's a maniac, crazy person.

[Daniel Tosh]

There's a big, huge dude wanted to bang me. Well, hopefully 20, 26, we find her love. See you next year.

[T-Mobile Announcer]

Everyone deserves to be connected. That's why T Mobile and US Cellular are joining forces. Switch to T Mobile and save up to 20% versus Verizon by getting built in benefits. They leave out. Check the math@t mobile.com switch. And now TM T Mobile is in US cellular stores savings versus comparable Verizon.

[T-Mobile Legal Announcer]

Plans, plus the cost of optional benefits, plan features and taxes and fees vary. Savings with three plus lines include third line free via monthly bill credits. Credits stop if you cancel any lines. Qualifying credit required.