Totally Booked with Zibby — Amanda Goetz on "Toxic Grit: How to Have It All and (Actually) Love What You Have"

Podcast Host: Zibby Owens
Guest: Amanda Goetz
Date: November 13, 2025

Episode Overview

This episode features Amanda Goetz, author of Toxic Grit: How to Have It All and (Actually) Love What You Have. Zibby and Amanda dive into the book’s central ideas, exploring the competing "characters" that make up an individual’s identity, the idea of "toxic grit," learning to balance ambition and intention, and how women can move past guilt to authentically pursue what lights them up. They touch on Amanda’s personal journey through divorce, entrepreneurship, and motherhood, providing real-life context to her frameworks. The discussion is candid, relatable, and packed with actionable insights for anyone questioning their own "shoulds" in life.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Origin Story of "Toxic Grit"

• Amanda's Inspiration: Amanda recalls a pivotal moment juggling a high-powered career, divorce, and three children. She recognized the tension came not from "having it all," but from not knowing which version of herself she was prioritizing.
  • Quote: “It wasn’t about the all. It was about the you. Because there's so many different versions of me inside of me.” – Amanda Goetz (03:20)
• Character Theory: Instead of flattening one’s identity into a single role (e.g., “girl boss” vs. “trad wife”), Amanda proposes making space for all the internal characters: career woman, mother, party girl, etc.
  • Quote: “How do we create space for all of these somewhat competing parts of ourselves and honor that they don't always share the same goals, same values, same energy?” – Amanda (04:03)

2. Defining ‘Toxic Grit’ and the Importance of Intention

• Toxic Grit = Hustle Without Intention: Amanda coins "toxic grit" as the drive to hustle that lacks reflective checkpoints or self-alignment.
  • Quote: “I call Toxic grit ‘hustle without intention’. If you don’t have these frameworks and checkpoints ... you will burn out.” – Amanda (04:52)
• The ‘Spin Cycle’ Metaphor: Drawing from laundry, Amanda urges building intentional pauses (spin cycles) into any routine.
  • Quote: “The last cycle of a washing cycle is called the spin cycle... For me, spin cycles should be built into our life.” – Amanda (06:03)

3. Managing Role Transitions and Setting Boundaries

• Transition Sequences: Amanda describes the challenge of quickly switching from "CEO character" to "mom character" and the intentional “transition sequences” she created to manage these shifts, like taking a bath or watching ‘Bluey’ before engaging with her kids.
  • Quote: “I honored the fact that I could not transition neatly... so creating these intentional transition sequences is what I call them in the book.” – Amanda (08:29)

4. Reframing Balance and Letting Go of Guilt

• Balance in the Macro: The expectation of daily perfection is unrealistic—balance happens over a lifetime, allowing each internal character some “screen time.”
  • Quote: “Balance happens in the macro, not the micro. ... The best movies, you see the arc for multiple characters, right?” – Amanda (09:21)
• Minimum Viable Version: Amanda suggests identifying the “minimally viable” version of each self-care practice to ensure no part of you is starved, even on busy days.
  • Quote: “If you only have 20% to give and you give 20%, then you gave 100%.” – Amanda (10:46)
• Radical Guilt Reduction: Amanda’s mission is to help women eliminate guilt not just for themselves, but as a rejection of external scripts.
  • Quote: “Who wrote the script that your characters are reading from? ... Is it society? Is it generational? Is it cultural?... Or is it you?” – Amanda (11:43)

5. Reawakening and Integrating the ‘Goddess Character’

• Self-Rediscovery After Divorce: Amanda reflects on reclaiming her pleasure-seeking and sexual self after years of marriage, and how making space for that character was essential for her wholeness.
  • Quote: “It was really freeing for me to understand that I had that character inside of me that I thought was gone.” – Amanda (13:06)

6. The ‘Perfect Day’ Exercise ([14:35–17:30])

• Diagnostic Tool: Amanda walks through an exercise where you visualize your perfect day as a way to diagnose which internal character(s) you’ve neglected.
  • Quote: “That exercise illuminated to me that the CEO character was taking over. ... A year later, I did the exercise again, and I was ready to have the CEO character take over a little bit more.” – Amanda (15:46; 16:51)
• Life Phase Flexibility: As needs and circumstances change, so will which character needs more attention.

7. Maslow's Hierarchy & Human Needs in Character Development ([22:30–23:50])

• Needs Assessment by Character: Amanda explains mapping each “character” to which human needs they fulfill (significance, play, connection, etc.), helping people identify unmet needs.
  • Quote: “Every character for each person is different in how they meet their human needs.” – Amanda (23:25)

8. On Writing, Processing, and Sharing Personal Narratives

• From Newsletter to Book: Amanda’s journey started with a newsletter; writing helped her process her experience so she could share from a place of healing, not raw emotion.
  • Quote: “Share lived experience from a place of processed emotion, especially if you’re doing it with the purpose of helping others.” – Amanda (25:40)
• On Parenting and Modeling: Amanda’s daughter now writes her own books, inspired by her mother’s creative example. ([26:24])

9. Actionable Framework: The 1-2 ‘To Do’ List ([27:07])

• Daily Focus: Instead of an endless checklist, Amanda picks two meaningful tasks for each prioritized character that day. This builds a sense of “enoughness” and prevents overwhelm.
  • Quote: “For each of my characters that I'm choosing to place in the spotlight that day, I pick two things that would be meaningful or impactful for that character to move their plotline forward.” – Amanda (27:09)
• Real Example: On podcast day, Amanda's CEO character takes the lead, while her “mom” self gets smaller tasks, with the promise of full focus the following day.

10. Parting Wisdom: On “Should” and Self-Direction ([29:19])

• Question the “Shoulds”: When feeling the “shoulds,” ask who’s writing your life’s script.
  • Quote: “When you start to feel the word should coming into your vocabulary... ask yourself, who’s writing that script? ... You are the director. You are the writer. You are casting the characters.” – Amanda (29:19)

Memorable Quotes & Moments

• “Balance happens in the macro, not the micro... At the end of your life, you want to feel that each character in your movie had their own arc.” — Amanda (09:21)
• “If you only have 20% to give and you give 20%, then you gave 100%.” — Amanda (10:46)
• “Share lived experience from a place of processed emotion, especially if you’re doing it with the purpose of helping others.” — Amanda (25:40)

Notable Segment Timestamps

• Amanda’s Inspiration & Character Theory: 02:59–04:46
• Defining Toxic Grit and Spin Cycles: 04:52–06:42
• Transitioning Between Roles (Mom to CEO): 06:53–09:03
• Balance & Eliminating Guilt: 09:20–12:29
• Rediscovering the ‘Goddess Character’: 12:39–14:04
• The Perfect Day Exercise: 14:35–17:30
• Maslow’s Hierarchy & Human Needs: 22:30–23:50
• On Writing and Sharing Processed Experience: 25:00–26:21
• The 1-2 To Do List Framework: 27:07–29:01
• Final Advice on “Shoulds”: 29:19

Tone & Style

Throughout, Amanda is refreshingly honest and self-aware, blending vulnerability with actionable advice—a tone echoed by Zibby’s warm, engaging questions. Their conversation sparkles with relatability and laughter, even while tackling deep topics.

Summary

This episode is a must-listen for anyone feeling pulled between competing roles or weighed down by external expectations of “having it all.” Amanda Goetz offers both solidarity and a toolkit—the power to rewrite your script and honor every character within. As she says, “You are the director. You are the writer. You are casting the characters.” (29:19)