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Zibby Owens
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Zibby Owens
Hi, this is.
Zibby Owens and you're listening to Totally.
Booked with Zibby, formerly Moms don't have.
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Jackie Goldschneider is the author of the Weight of My Battle with Anorexia and Journey to Recovery. Jackie is a star of the Bravo hit TV show the Real Housewives of New Jersey. Before joining the show in 2018, Jackie was an attorney and freelance journalist. Her writing has appeared in Good Housekeeping, HuffPost and Scary Mommy, among others. The Way to Beautiful is her debut book length work. Jackie graduated Magna Cum Laude from Boston University and received her Juris Doctorate from Fordham University School of Law before practicing law in New York City. She now lives in New Jersey with her husband and their children.
Welcome Jackie, thank you so much for coming on Totally Booked to talk about the Weight of my Battle with anorexia and journey to recovery. Congratulations.
Jackie Goldschneider
Thank you. Thank you for having me.
Zibby Owens
I loved your book so much. I like pored over every word on every page and it was so moving. You were so open. I could feel like the rawness of it all, the newness of some of it, like just having to say it and get it out there like that is so courageous and important that you're doing this and you're gonna help so many people if you haven't already.
Jackie Goldschneider
Oh, that's very nice. Thank you. Yeah, I do think that it has helped a lot of people both recover and not feel so alone in because it is a very lonely disease.
Zibby Owens
Why don't you tell listeners a little bit about the book, but really about your own journey.
Jackie Goldschneider
So the book was the culmination of a lifetime of disordered eating, but really 20 years of a horrific battle with anorexia. And when I chose to recover, I just felt like I had all these awful memories of everything I had done to myself. And writing the book was so therapeutic. But you know, there was, when I looked back, when I stepped back and started writing this, I realized how many factors had gone into my eating disorder. And generational food trauma was a big part of that. Starting with my, my grandparents being Holocaust survivors, having nothing. The way that my mother was brought up as you eat every last bite and turning into a mother who made her kids eat every last bite because she was so scared of when, you know, they might not have any more food Even though that was a ridiculous. You know, in the 1980s, like, we were not in danger of not having food anymore. But she. You know, I gained weight really rapidly. I always had a very distorted image of my body. I put a lot of emphasis on what other people thought of me. And by the time I was in my 20s, it all just kind of. I just stopped eating. And, you know, it was really bad. It was very lonely. I did awful, awful things to myself. But I also did kind of mainstream stuff, like all the diets that everyone did. You know, that 90s era, the diet obsessions, like the Tasty Delight and the wow. Chips, all of that stuff that was just so terrible for your body. I did it all. And writing the book was really. It was great to get all of that out of my head and onto the page.
Zibby Owens
By the way, I was so obsessed with Tasty Delight that I actually thought about opening a franchise. That's how often.
Jackie Goldschneider
No way. Oh, my God.
Zibby Owens
Did a whole deep dive into how to be a franchise owner. I had, like, two tiny kids at home at that time, and I was there. It was. My only escape was, like, going to Tasty Delight in the afternoon and, like, sitting on the bench. And I remember one point, I went in in the middle of a snowstorm, and the actress, Tia Leone, do you know who she is?
Jackie Goldschneider
Yes, of course.
Zibby Owens
I was the only one in the store. She opens this, like, open the door. The snow and the blustery winds came in. And I was sitting there eating Tasty Delight. And she looked at me and she's like, are we nuts or what?
Jackie Goldschneider
I know. Yeah. And then I remember the New York Times came out with, like, an expose on how it was not the accurate calorie count. And, like, my world exploded. I was like, I don't understand. Like, what have I been doing to myself? Because I would be. There were some days I ate it for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and I would just be doubled over in pain, like, gastrointestinal pain from all of this stuff.
Zibby Owens
This happened to me, too, with. Did you ever have this Vegan Divas chocolate mousse? Because it said it had, like, 18 calories. And I was like, oh, my gosh. So I literally stocked my freezer, and I would eat, like, three a day. And then they came out and they're like, no, funny. It's actually like 150 or. Yeah, 80 per thing. And I was like, are you kidding me?
Jackie Goldschneider
Which happened pretty often. There was health foods to. Health food. I use that word very lightly in New York. You probably Remember it? On the corner of 54th and 9th. It's called Westerly. And they just had every product that you could ever imagine filled with, like, the ingredient list would, like, I mean, RFK would jump off a bridge. It was like 30 pages long, and everything was just fake. And I used to just. That was the only place I would shop.
Zibby Owens
Yeah, I used to put Splenda on my cucumbers as well. I like so many of these tricks that you were. I mean, I hate to, like, I don't want to glamorize it. It's all, like, so crazy, but not crazy, but just like, all the things that we did that, like, so many people were doing that.
Jackie Goldschneider
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I would spray a water bottle on cornflakes to avoid using milk. It was horrific. It really was. It's really an awful way to live, which is really the crux of why I wrote the book. Because I certainly wasn't looking for people to congratulate me on recovery. I could have gotten that without the book. And there were parts of that book that were not. Did me no favors in the public eye, especially around my children and the things that they saw. But I think that letting people know that this is a shared experience, like, even now, even, like five years into recovery, hearing you tell me that you did those same things, it feels better. Like, I feel less weird, you know? So if I could give that to other people, that was really a big part of the motivation for writing this.
Zibby Owens
No, I mean, when I saw your picture of all the, all the trackers and everything. I have everything.
Jackie Goldschneider
Oh, you did that too?
Zibby Owens
I have everything I ate from for like, five straight years and how many points everything had. And I remember, I mean, this is not about me, but I, I, I, I, I went down that rabbit hole and I remember my brother came over once and I was like, would you like seven almonds? And he's like, what? Because one point. And he's like, you do realize this is not normal the way you eat, right? And I was like, it's fine. It's totally fine.
Jackie Goldschneider
Yeah, yeah. You, you can rationalize anything, especially somewhere like New York or LA where everyone is so of how they look.
Zibby Owens
Yeah. I actually became a Weight Watchers leader.
Jackie Goldschneider
Oh, wow.
Zibby Owens
Yeah. I was so into it. I, like, don't go into things halfway. So I, like, was like, oh, I can be a lifetime member and meetings are free the rest of my life. I have to do that. But you have to stay within plus or minus two pounds. That was the deal. That to be a Leader, be a lifetime member. You had to get to your goal weight and stay for like six months, plus or minus two pounds.
Jackie Goldschneider
They weighed you?
Zibby Owens
Yeah.
Warby Parker Speaker
Oh, wow.
Zibby Owens
Yeah. Crazy, right? And I would, like, go around the city and I hadn't even had kids at that point. And, like, what people? I used to have, like, moms come in and I was like, in my, like, size two theory suit, you know, with like my, like one slice, 2 ounces weight on the scale, turkey. Do you know what I mean? Being like, what do you mean? It's hard.
Jackie Goldschneider
Yeah. It gets so easy.
Zibby Owens
Everybody can do this.
Jackie Goldschneider
I fell into that also, for sure.
Zibby Owens
Oh, my gosh. But anyway, I joke, but what you describe in the, you know, a lot of which I can relate to, goes to a dark place. I mean, it. You went to, like, the extreme. I almost read it and I was like, oh, I couldn't get, like, I couldn't even achieve that. Do you know what I mean? Like, it's so messed up, the thinking.
Jackie Goldschneider
But you were able to get to, like, a smaller size without. With doing, like Weight Watchers for me. I always felt like my body was betraying me. Like, my body wanted so badly to be over overweight and that if I didn't take it to an extreme, it would just stay there. So I kind of convinced myself that I hated food and that food was my enemy and that I could get all the enjoyment of life from other areas of my life and that food was my enemy. So once I convinced myself of that and I just would always just repeat, I'm not a food person. I'm not. Food is not my vice. Then it felt like, okay, I have permission not to eat.
Zibby Owens
But even the way after you decided that, like, you could live this way, right? And that you. Even before you got the two meals a day, sort of sanctioned two meals a week of, like, cheap meals, so to speak, before that and when you were running so much, in so much pain, and you have this one moment where you collapse on the floor when you were told not to run and you kept running. And you're constantly doing the math and calculating and, you know, every meal is like a threat. Every situation is like a threat threat. All the joy of, like, eating together. Like, you. You take that out of your relationship with your husband. Like, just take me back to, like, the darkest. When you look back at it, do you feel. What do you feel now?
Jackie Goldschneider
I feel sad that I did that to myself. I feel like I wasted a lot of years and a lot of occasions that I'll never get Back. I'll never get my wedding back. 80% of my wedding night was spent thinking about what I had or hadn't eaten and how much I could drink, how many glasses of champagne I could have based on how much I had eaten at the dais. And I didn't touch, like the dessert bar. I just, I calculated everything. Even when I was saying my vows, I was calculating things like my honeymoon. I brought a 900 page food encyclopedia of calories and nutritional values in my suitcase to my honeymoon. I didn't eat anything on my honeymoon. And I was just, I was so hungry that I don't remember much about vacations and holidays and everything except for my hunger and except for the anxiety around food. So all of these years that I spent doing this, I can't get any of that back. And I think that's my, that's my biggest regret in any of this. And also what my children saw because I did let this, you know, I lost that connection between hunger and food. So I didn't eat when I was hungry. I'm sure you know this feeling too. I ate when a schedule told me that I could eat, or I ate and I ate based on what I had left in my day from what I ate before that. So I would hoard food and everything like that so I could reward myself at the end of the night. And I didn't know how to feed my children when I had them. And so I fed them based on numbers. And so if they didn't finish a meal, I got frantic and I would force them to eat. I mean, when they would open their mouth to cry, I would force food inside of there. And it was just all of these moments that should have been amazing were just so racked with anxiety and guilt and not knowing what to do and feeling bad. And I can't get any of those back. I can. So I feel really sad about all of those. But, you know, I feel like now I can do something good with it.
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Zibby Owens
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Great Wolf Lodge Speaker
At Great Wolf Lodge there's adventure for the whole family. You and your pet can splash away in the indoor water park where it's always 84 degrees. There's a wave pool, a lazy river, and a bunch of massive water slides, including ones your family can all enjoy together. They even have adventure packed attractions from the Northern Lights arcade to delicious dining. And you can't miss the nightly family dance parties. With 23 lodges across the country, you're always only a short drive away from adventure. So bring your pack together at a lodge near you. Learn more@greatwolf.com greatwolf.com and strengthen the pack.
Zibby Owens
Wow. You have a scene towards the end of the book where you finally order ice cream and with your kids.
Jackie Goldschneider
Yeah.
Zibby Owens
And you taste it and you're like, oh my gosh, it's actually like so good. Because I was thinking to myself as I was reading, like, maybe, you know, maybe she's lost the taste for, for food in a way. Right. After all.
Jackie Goldschneider
No, I have it. No. And I still have a lot of fears around. I'm recovered. I. There's no anorexia left in me. I eat everything and anything. I don't let it stop me. But I do get scared and I do feel guilty sometimes and I do have to walk away from the mirror at times. Like it's an ongoing process. But you know, that ice cream scene, if I could go to that for a moment, that was on television. And I think a lot of people, I felt very conflicted after that scene because I think a lot of people watched that and were like, oh, she's good now. Like, she ate the ice cream, she's fine. And I think I went home and I was like, people are gonna think that's recovery. Like that. You just make this decision one day, like, I'm done not doing this anymore. Going to go eat ice cream now. And that is so not the way it works. Because eating disorders are mental illnesses. And you really have to get to the core of why you would do this to yourself in the first place. Right. Like, what is starving yourself, like, literally cutting off your source of life going to do to make your life better? How is that going to fix you? And I didn't want to give people, like, I felt like I was doing such a disservice to anybody who was struggling. And I also felt like I did a disservice to my children because at that point they were maybe like 12 and 10 and their entire lives had been spent watching me sip Diet Coke while they ate ice cream and sip Diet Coke while they ate pizza and everything like that. And suddenly all of a sudden it just. I'm Eating ice cream today with no explanation and no background. Just like, hey, guys, eating ice cream today. And I think everyone was really confused. The audience was confused, and I think my children were confused. And yeah, it was a wonderful scene, sharing ice cream with my kids, and it was actually wonderful in real life. But I felt like I did a lot of people a disservice with that scene.
Zibby Owens
So I guess I should have mentioned to people who don't know that you were also on the Real Housewives.
Jackie Goldschneider
Oh, yes. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Zibby Owens
No, I put it in your bio, which I will. Which comes out before. But, I mean, maybe I shouldn't even admit this. I have not seen Real Housewives of New Jersey. I haven't watched it. So I actually haven't watched that scene. I only read about it through your eyes in the book. And I haven't really watched any of it. I mean, I really haven't. So I didn't know you from that at all. I'm getting to know you from your story as you tell it here and not any sort of public opinion. I didn't Google what people thought. Like, I'm not interested. I'm just interested in you and your depiction of it.
Jackie Goldschneider
Okay. Yeah. No, I'm just saying that I thought. I felt like it was supposed to be something that it didn't end up being, but it was wonderful to eat ice cream with my kids. And the short answer to your question is I haven't lost the taste for anything. There are, you know, I'm discovering new foods now, and I'm shocked. Sometimes there are things that I thought that I would, like, absolutely die for, that I just don't really care for as much, and other things that I really, really love.
Zibby Owens
In the beginning of the book, you tell us a lot about your childhood and you have some heartbreaking scenes about your brother and what the kids at school did. You have a special needs brother and how they would basically torture this poor boy and you had to just like, stay there with him and be in this school in an area you didn't feel comfortable in, like, not knowing how to handle it. I mean, that is so. That whole thing was so horrible. And whoever those kids were who are now grown ups, I cannot believe that you did that. Whoever these people are that they did that. It's so terrible. I feel like that whole thing is so heavy. Like, tell me about how you feel about that now, looking back and all, all of that.
Jackie Goldschneider
I still can't talk about it without crying. The fact that you know and it wasn't like most of the bullying that took place with my brother. I was bullied also because I was just not, you know, I was. I was heavy. I would had bad hair, bad clothes. But my brother was disabled. And, you know, it was less like. Like no one would go up and push him into a wall, you know, like that. But the. The emotional torture of, like, when I would walk down a hallway and this happened every day, he would be dancing, break dancing for a group of kids, and everyone would be clapping, and he would think that they were so excited to see him dance, but they were also doubled over in laughter. And I would always have to be the person who stopped it from happening, which was so hard on. I was new to that town. I didn't have friends, and I was just like the enforcer also. And, like, it was just so bad. And the worst thing that happened, this was the worst was one day I saw my brother walking through the school in socks because kids flushed his shoes down the toilet. And I just never recovered from that. And I just, like, the kids just got like one or two days suspension. And, you know, it was a different time back then, but still, like, to be able to mistreat somebody with special needs, you have to be. I don't know what your upbringing is or what your value system is or whether you are capable of changing, but I was just astonished by how cruel people could be. And what I wrote in the book is. Is the most true thing is that when you hurt somebody like that, like, you hurt. You don't just hurt them, you hurt their entire family. Like my mother, my father, me. Like, we all cried. You know, my brother didn't cry, but we all cried because, like, it's so. I don't know, but high school is where I formed all these trauma connections between being overweight and being so desperately lonely and unhappy that I never. I didn't get over that until I really did intense therapy in recovery, you know, in my late 40s.
Zibby Owens
Oh, Jackie, I'm really sorry.
Jackie Goldschneider
No, it's. It's okay. It forms who you are. And, you know, it made me stronger, and it made me value my brother even more. And, you know, luckily, he doesn't. If you asked him how high school was, he'll tell you it was good. He sees the bright side of everything. You know, he's. He's a unique person. He's amazing. But, yeah, really, it left more. More of a mark on me than it did on him.
Zibby Owens
My goodness.
You know, even when you said a minute ago, like, anorexia is gone. I'm totally recovered. Like, I get nervous hearing you say that because I feel like with anything anyone struggles with, like, like, even myself, like, saying, like, I'm over that or I'm. That's, like, in the past. Like, it makes me. This is my own anxiety, I guess.
Jackie Goldschneider
Here you go.
Zibby Owens
You know, projecting, but being able to say, like, that's not coming. Like, it's like, I don't want to jinx things in general, you know?
Jackie Goldschneider
Yes, I understand that. And I'm not saying that I'm fully recovered. Let me be clear. I am not fully recover. I still have. I would say I'm about, like, 80% there. When I say that anorexia is gone, I feel so sure in my heart. I know I will never do that to myself again. And the reason I know that I'm not saying I won't go on diets or sometimes I want to lose a few pounds. It was the way that I tortured myself, came from a place of self hatred. And I have learned to love myself beyond the way that people see me. So in my thinking, the way that I'm thinking, it could never happen again because I value myself too much to ever do that to myself again. And I know that the people who love me love me for reasons that have absolutely nothing to do with the size of my body. So it's not something that I feel like I ever could do again. Do I want to lose a few pounds sometimes? Yeah, probably. You know, do I exercise too much sometimes? Probably. But I think, like, real anorexia is gone. I am. I do have some disordered even left, for sure.
Zibby Owens
How do you feel then? I mean, I'm close to 50 and dealing with aging, like, everybody. And how do you feel? Because aging is another thing that happens to our bodies that's sort of out of our control in some ways. And for people who like to be in control of how we look or present or whatever, like, how are you dealing with that?
Jackie Goldschneider
Yeah, it's hard. It is hard. Especially with social media, of course, and having a bigger social media presence. I get a lot of opinions on the way that I look. I think it's easier now that I've let go of some of people's judgments, but it's still hard. I mean, I went to my endocrinologist a few weeks ago because I've. I've struggled with thyroid disorder for a very long time. And I said, can you just test me for, like, all the hormones and stuff? Because I've got this like, lower stomach. Like a big lower stomach. And she's like, you don't have a big lower stomach, but I'll test you if you want. I just. I'm starting to see things that I don't know if I'm just seeing them because other people tell me they're going to come on. I do get nervous. I try to remind myself that, you know, I try to do things that make me happy and not for other people's validation. But, yeah, I mean, I do keep up, you know, and it is tiring.
Zibby Owens
Yeah.
I don't know.
I've sort of thrown in the towel in some ways, you know, like, no, you have to pick your battles. Do you know what I mean? I'm like, yeah, for sure. I'm taking care. Like, I refuse to be prey. But I'm okay right now with my face. Do you know what I mean? I think we have to all make our choices.
Jackie Goldschneider
Yeah, you have to pick it. I mean, listen, there are flaws that I am not going near because it's just never ending. I know people who had a facelift and then they got tired of their facelift and they got a nose job, and then they had their facelift tightened, and then they got veneers, and then they changed their hair. I mean, it's never ending. You can keep fixing yourself because there's always going to be people that are more beautiful than you. Right. So at a certain point, you just got to say, this is who I am.
Zibby Owens
That's great. You write in the book about showing up at Renfrew and how you learned about it from documentary, and you finally. You, like, show up at the door, and there's this big sort of climax of a moment in my mind in the book where you finally walk through the door, and then what happens after is, like, you know, also really interesting. But, like, the fact that you even got yourself through the door for me was, like, such a hurdle. And then so I actually worked at an eating disorders clinic and I worked in adolescent inpatient unit. And I'm wondering, like, through that experience, because I've heard, like, it doesn't always work for people. Like, people. Sometimes people go and they learn more tricks to beat the system. And it can be, you know, what do you say? I know you weren't impatient. You decided to stay home with your kids, and you were at a different age than, like, teenagers and whatever. But tell me a little bit about.
Jackie Goldschneider
Yeah, so the interesting thing is that they. They recommended that. So Renfrew I knew of because there was this Documentary called Thin. Do you remember it? I didn't.
Zibby Owens
I don't think I saw that now.
Jackie Goldschneider
It was horrifying. And I used to watch it, and, like, I knew that I was the same, but I just was scared of it. And so going to renfrew was very loaded for me because that was the place in the movie. And walking through the doors, I felt like was a big step. The biggest step was telling my husband I had a problem because this eating disorder was the biggest secret ever. I mean, even though sometimes it was a little bit of an open secret, I wouldn't talk about it with anyone. If you came to me and I'm a nice person, if you came to me and you said, can we talk about your eating disorder? I would have knocked you out, punched you in the face. So for me, the biggest step was opening up and telling my husband, I need help. But going to renfrew, I don't know what I thought would happen, but I knew that was a big step. Once I got there, they did like a whole comprehensive intake and recommended that I go to residential treatment. And I declined it for a number of reasons. First of all, and I don't want to turn people off to residential treatment because it does work for some people. That's where I think you can pick things up, especially as an adult. If you're forced in as a child, it's different. But I just. I've heard that people compete to see who could be the thinnest, to see who can bypass the most food, who can get out, weighing them the least. And having four young kids at home, I knew it was not a sustainable option for me and not one that I wanted to try out. So I declined it. And I felt very guilty about that because I knew that I probably needed the intensity of that. At that point, I was really, really far go. But Renfrew, I didn't. I did an outpatient treatment sort of program where they gave me a therapist who specialized in this, and then that therapist set me up with a dietitian. And once a week, every Single week since 2021, I have stuck with that, and my team has really helped me. So it did work for me to go outpatient, but renfrew did work for me because they set me up with the right people. But inpatient does not work for everybody.
Zibby Owens
So now the book is out. Tell me about what is coming on the horizon and any challenges or anything really exciting, like what next for you.
Jackie Goldschneider
So when the book came out, the hardcover came out in 2023, and that was amazing. I was just everywhere. I was on a billboard in the city, and it sold very well. I had this idea in my head, so I do this thing to myself where I set myself up for disappointment because I dream very big, and I think that's a good thing and a bad. But I was definitely envisioning this being a New York Times bestseller, which it was not, and that's okay. And I had to come to terms with that. But it did very well. And most importantly, I know that it helped, like, hundreds, if not thousands of people, because I would get messages constantly from people saying, my mother read your book, and she decided to get help. Or, like, my. You know, I read your book, and I understand what my daughter is going through, and now I know how to speak to her, and that's really what I wanted. So it did great. It served the purpose it was supposed to serve. It's still selling well. The paperback came out in February. I toyed with some media options with making it into a documentary. I think all of those are still on the table. Nothing has materialized yet. And I. When I finished, I said, I don't think I have another book in me, because I really only knew how to write nonfiction. I was a journalist for, like, a decade, and I really only wrote, like, personal essays. And I love writing, but I didn't think I had another memoir in me or nonfiction, because what would I write about? I already told everyone everything. And then about three months ago, I started my first novel. Ooh. Yeah. So I'm like, I'm so in it right now. It's just funny to be in another book, you know, because this book, this was like my baby, you know, it was like my firstborn. So to have another book feels like it's so exciting to be able to do it all over again. So that's where I am right now.
Zibby Owens
Wow.
Congratulations. Well, I'm glad the paperback came out, because that's when it got on my radar, and somehow I missed it last time when it was in hardcover. So, anyway, I'm really excited about it. It really was so poignant and just that you trust the reader with all of these things. It's. This is what. If we all could just be this open, the world would be.
Jackie Goldschneider
Thank you. And the last thing I'll say is that, you know, it's not just a book for people with eating disorders. It's really a story about, like, losing your way and kind of losing yourself and then finding your way back and really, like, rediscovering who you are and what your self worth is. So it's not just for people who've experienced, you know, eating disorders.
Zibby Owens
Yes. Well said. All right, Jackie, thank you so much.
Jackie Goldschneider
Thank you so much.
Zibby Owens
Okay, have a great day.
Jackie Goldschneider
Bye bye.
Zibby Owens
Thank you for listening to Totally Booked with Zibby formerly Moms don't have Time to Read Books. If you loved the show, tell a.
Friend, leave a review, follow me on Instagram ibbeowens and spread the word.
Thanks so much. Oh and buy the books.
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Totally Booked with Zibby: Episode Featuring Jackie Goldschneider on "The Weight of Beautiful"
Introduction In this heartfelt episode of Totally Booked with Zibby, host Zibby Owens welcomes Jackie Goldschneider, a notable figure from The Real Housewives of New Jersey, to discuss her deeply personal memoir, The Weight of Beautiful: My Battle with Anorexia and Journey to Recovery. Released on April 18, 2025, Jackie’s book delves into her two-decade-long struggle with anorexia, offering raw insights and reflections aimed at helping others facing similar battles.
Guest Background Jackie Goldschneider, before joining the reality TV scene in 2018, was an accomplished attorney and freelance journalist. Her writing has been featured in prominent publications like Good Housekeeping, HuffPost, and Scary Mommy. A magna cum laude graduate from Boston University and a Juris Doctorate holder from Fordham University School of Law, Jackie transitioned from practicing law in New York City to focusing on her family in New Jersey.
Discussion on Anorexia and Personal Journey Jackie opens up about the genesis of her eating disorder, attributing it to a combination of personal struggles and generational trauma. She shares:
“The book was the culmination of a lifetime of disordered eating, but really 20 years of a horrific battle with anorexia.” (04:28)
A significant factor in her struggle was the generational food trauma stemming from her grandparents, Holocaust survivors, and her mother's ingrained fear of food scarcity. Despite living in a time and place where food insecurity was unlikely, her mother's anxiety about food profoundly impacted Jackie’s relationship with eating.
Impact on Daily Life and Relationships Jackie recounts the extreme measures she took to control her weight, including obsessive dieting behaviors prevalent in the 1990s:
“I sprayed a water bottle on cornflakes to avoid using milk. It was horrific.” (08:09)
These behaviors not only isolated her but also strained her relationships, particularly with her husband and children. Jackie reflects on the emotional toll, stating:
“All of these years that I spent doing this, I can't get any of that back.” (12:16)
Her inability to enjoy ordinary moments, like her wedding night or family vacations, was overshadowed by anxiety and obsessive calculations about food intake.
The Turning Point and Recovery The pivotal moment in Jackie’s journey was deciding to seek help. She describes the fear and courage it took to admit she needed assistance:
“The biggest step was telling my husband I had a problem because this eating disorder was the biggest secret ever.” (29:42)
Choosing outpatient treatment at Renfrew was instrumental in her recovery. Jackie emphasizes the importance of a supportive treatment team:
“Once I got there, they did a whole comprehensive intake and recommended that I go to residential treatment. And I declined it for a number of reasons.” (29:44)
Her commitment to weekly therapy and working with a specialized dietitian has been crucial in her ongoing recovery process.
Reflections and Ongoing Challenges While Jackie feels a significant portion of her anorexia is behind her, she acknowledges lingering disordered behaviors and fears:
“I am not fully recovered. I do have some disordered even left, for sure.” (26:22)
Aging and societal pressures continue to pose challenges, but Jackie remains resilient:
“At a certain point, you just got to say, this is who I am.” (28:50)
She discusses the importance of self-acceptance and prioritizing personal happiness over external validation.
Writing as Therapy and Future Endeavors Writing The Weight of Beautiful was a therapeutic process for Jackie, allowing her to process her experiences and assist others in feeling less alone:
“Letting people know that this is a shared experience... I feel less weird.” (08:58)
Looking ahead, Jackie shares exciting news about her first novel, marking a new chapter in her writing journey:
“About three months ago, I started my first novel. So I'm like, I'm so in it right now.” (32:03)
Conclusion Jackie Goldschneider’s candid conversation on Totally Booked with Zibby offers a profound exploration of her battle with anorexia, the impact on her life and family, and her path to recovery. Her story serves not only as a testament to resilience but also as a beacon of hope for others navigating similar struggles. Through her memoir and ongoing efforts, Jackie continues to advocate for mental health awareness and the importance of seeking help.
Notable Quotes
Timestamps of Key Topics
This summary encapsulates the essence of Jackie Goldschneider’s episode on Totally Booked with Zibby, highlighting her courageous openness about her battle with anorexia and her inspiring journey towards healing and self-acceptance.