Durand Bernarr–I’m A Sex Symbol

Summary

Podcast Summary: Toure Show – "Durand Bernarr – I’m A Sex Symbol"

Episode Information:

• Title: Toure Show
• Host/Author: DCP Entertainment
• Episode: Durand Bernarr – I’m A Sex Symbol
• Release Date: November 6, 2024
• Description: Touré engages with successful individuals to uncover the secrets behind their achievements, offering listeners insights to aid their personal journeys. New episodes release every Wednesday with throwback episodes on Sundays.

Introduction to Durand Bernarr The episode introduces Durand Bernarr, a multifaceted artist known for his singing, songwriting, producing, and musicianship. With two albums released in the year and a third in the works, Durand offers listeners an in-depth exploration of his creative spirit and personal growth.

Musical Influences and Development Durand discusses his diverse musical upbringing, emphasizing how being a "sponge" for various genres—from house and jazz to gospel and rock—shaped his versatile vocal abilities.

• Notable Quote: “I'm a sponge. I've been listening to so much stuff, like growing up, from house to jazz, gospel, rock.” [03:03]

He credits legends like Rick James, Nate Dogg, Erykah Badu, Chaka Khan, and Crash Cut for leaving a lasting impression on his music style.

• Notable Quote: “If y'all don't know who Crash Cut is and y'all listen to him specifically. Two songs. One be Glad and the other one, Best of the best.” [03:12]

Family Influence and Childhood Durand delves into the significant role his family played in nurturing his musical talents. With a mother who was a vocal teacher and a father who served as an audio engineer, music was ever-present in his household.

• Notable Quote: “There was never a time in my life where there wasn't music. And singing going along like that has always been in the household.” [04:25]

He highlights the balance his mother created between education and musical lessons, fostering a loving and creative environment.

Coming Out and Exploring Sexuality A pivotal part of the conversation revolves around Durand's journey with his sexuality. He reflects on realizing his identity without a formal announcement, emphasizing authenticity over labels.

• Notable Quote: “Why do straight people don’t have to announce that they're straight, why do I need to announce my preference?” [09:10]

Durand identifies as "sex positive and ethically non-monogamous," advocating for honesty and transparency in relationships.

• Notable Quote: “I am sex positive, ethically non-monogamous. So I desire to have meaningful experiences with other people from time to time while still leaving room for exclusivity in my relationship.” [28:28]

Professional Musical Career and Projects Durand shares insights into his current projects, including two EPs released within the year—Enroute and a dance-house collaboration with Charlie Vituno—and outlines his plans for a forthcoming love-themed album.

• Notable Quote: “Enroute, which is a road trip story. It’s the middle ground between the last full project and then the next full-length project.” [19:02]

He emphasizes his creative versatility, transitioning from live band sounds to house music, and the importance of collaboration.

Views on Monogamy and Relationships The discussion shifts to Durand's perspectives on relationships, particularly his stance on non-monogamy. He articulates the necessity of alignment and personal growth within partnerships.

• Notable Quote: “Commitment does not mean monogamy. That just means that we are adhering to whatever it is that we agreed to.” [28:55]

Durand stresses the importance of transparency to prevent dishonesty and cheating, advocating for mutually respectful and understanding relationships.

Being a Sex Symbol and Self-Image A significant portion of the episode is dedicated to Durand's evolving self-image and embracing his status as a sex symbol. He shares his journey of self-acceptance and the confidence it brings.

• Notable Quote: “I've always looked like this. I need y'all to understand this era of me feeling sexy is new.” [59:37]
• Notable Quote: “I'm a sex symbol. Absolutely. Men and women trying to get in. Absolutely.” [59:55]

Durand humorously acknowledges his transformation from the "goofy boy" to embracing his sensuality.

Discussion on Being Black and Black Music Durand reflects on his identity as a Black man and its influence on his music. He highlights the significance of representation and the historical context of Black music.

• Notable Quote: “Being black reminds me of, like, when I would go outside as a little boy and I would wear, like, pink shoes, or I would walk out and I would have a Barbie in my hand.” [35:32]

He discusses the challenges and triumphs associated with being a Black artist in a predominantly heteronormative industry.

Personal Growth and Therapy Throughout the conversation, Durand emphasizes the importance of personal growth, therapy, and self-awareness. He shares intimate details about his triggers and the ongoing process of healing.

• Notable Quote: “Therapy is very important.” [63:27]
• Notable Quote: “My awareness is so isolating sometimes. It is so. And it's cold.” [68:28]

He illustrates how therapy has helped him navigate complex emotions and maintain healthy relationships.

Conclusion Durand Bernarr concludes by reiterating his commitment to authentic self-expression and continual personal development. The episode celebrates his artistic journey, resilience, and the profound impact of embracing one's true self.

Notable Moments:

• Acceptance of Self: Durand's journey from self-doubt to embracing his identity as a sex symbol.
• Musical Evolution: Transitioning between genres and collaborative projects.
• Authentic Relationships: Advocating for honesty and alignment in non-monogamous relationships.
• Cultural Identity: Navigating the intersection of Black identity and the music industry.

Key Takeaways:

• Embracing diversity in musical influences fosters versatility.
• Authenticity in personal identity leads to greater self-acceptance.
• Transparent communication is crucial in ethical non-monogamous relationships.
• Representation matters in shaping inclusive and empowering narratives within the Black community and beyond.
• Continuous personal growth and therapy are vital for emotional well-being and healthy relationships.

Closing Thoughts: Durand Bernarr's candid and introspective conversation on the Toure Show offers listeners a profound understanding of his artistic and personal journey. His emphasis on authenticity, self-awareness, and meaningful connections serves as an inspiring guide for those striving to navigate their own paths to success and self-fulfillment.

Tune In: For more inspiring conversations and insights, visit DCP Entertainment’s Toure Show website and subscribe to new episodes every Wednesday or throwback episodes every Sunday.

Transcript

[Duran Bernard]

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[Torre]

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[Duran Bernard]

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[Torre]

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[Duran Bernard]

Us Vitur ratio ok. Do okdo.

[Torre]

That might be the best question I've ever been asked.

[Duran Bernard]

You's a phenomenal person.

[Torre]

I mean, you legendary.

[Duran Bernard]

I am. I am a fan of you, my brother.

[Torre]

God, that is so much of what the next generation is talking about. Fuck the boxes.

[Duran Bernard]

Yeah. I'm gonna tell you what it means. It means I'm not meant to be understood. I'm meant to be experienced.

[Torre]

Mm.

[Duran Bernard]

And what I've learned is I don't have to necessarily understand what's going on in order to enjoy myself, in order to just be able to take in what's going and just experience it. Like, wow, okay, take it or leave it, or no judgment whatever. But I just. People be trying to understand stuff sometimes it's not meant for them to understand either. This ain't your story.

[Torre]

Duran Bernarr is an amazing singer, songwriter, producer, musician. Dropped two albums this year, is working on another one now. And this is just an amazing deep dive into the spirit of somebody who is deep, is powerful and came in here and just opened up their heart and let it all hang out. So let's get into it. If you didn't know everything about Duran Bernard before, you will know everything about Duran Bernard. Now let's get into it. It's Duran Bernard, my new best friend on Torre show. Duran. Welcome.

[Duran Bernard]

Hello there.

[Torre]

How are you?

[Duran Bernard]

I am writing off of the celebration of my 36th birthday. So, you know, we take the whole month to celebrate.

[Torre]

Mm. So, yeah. There you go. You have a beautiful voice.

[Duran Bernard]

Thank you.

[Torre]

And you have like all these different things. You can come up high, you can croon down low. It's like all the different moves you want, he can do. How did this develop.

[Duran Bernard]

I'm a sponge. I've been listening to so much stuff, like growing up, from house to jazz, gospel, rock.

[Torre]

Who are the singers that you think really imprinted on you?

[Duran Bernard]

Rick James, Nate Dogg, Dawg, Erykah Badu, Chaka Khan, Crash Cut. Like, if y'all don't know who Crash Cut is and y'all listen to him specifically. Two songs. One be Glad and the other one, Best of the best. When you hear those songs, you're like, ah, I see.

[Torre]

Mm.

[Duran Bernard]

She's dying because she know you talk about Little Richard.

[Torre]

I don't hear. I see, but I don't hear Little Richard.

[Duran Bernard]

Yeah, no, it' it's the aura of Little Richard, the father. It's the experience. It's the. I know who I am, you know, it's not. I'm asking for permission. No. Embrace me. Yeah. That's where the essence of that, you know, he's like, I'm not conceited. I'm convinced, you know? You think? I know we're not the same. That's the Little Richard isms.

[Torre]

Yeah. For me, God, when I saw that doc about him, I was like, yes. He's just one of the core fathers of everything that is happening after.

[Duran Bernard]

He deserved. And to say so much better is an understatement. Like, they should have. He should have seen that when he was alive. Yeah.

[Torre]

Both your parents are in music, right? Your mother is a teacher. Your father was a audio engineer. Audio engineer for a good 30 years. So let us know about what mom taught you, directly and indirectly about singing. Cause surely she's a vocal teacher. Was she teaching you?

[Duran Bernard]

Yeah, well, so she was helping me through the. There was never a time in my life where there wasn't music. And singing going along like that has always been in the household, so. And because she homeschooled me, there was always music implemented into the lesson. So we have our regular schoolwork, and then we're doing a piano lesson here. We're singing, you know, these songs, you know, Or I'm like, hey, I wanna show you this dance that I made up. You know, so. She's always been my cheerleader, my hype man. And, yeah, she made my learning environment fun. Like, I actually had a fun childhood. People always talk about, kids are so in a rush to grow up. Well, because the environment is not customized for them. You keep telling them to sit down, shut up, be seen, and not heard. You don't pay no bills here. Your opinion doesn't matter. When you move out, you can get your own house. So you're letting them know being a child is not fun. So I. At least.

[Torre]

It's secondary.

[Duran Bernard]

Yeah. So I at least enjoyed myself. She made it fun.

[Torre]

What did she teach you about singing?

[Duran Bernard]

She taught me vocal care. To listen to my body. To know the ceiling of your voice. To know the basement of it. Puberty was not my finest hour.

[Torre]

What do you mean, puberty?

[Duran Bernard]

Like, my. Like, my voice was changing.

[Torre]

Oh, not for anybody.

[Duran Bernard]

Yeah. No. So that was like, my middle was completely shot. Like, my lows and my highs were there, but it was just trying to figure out that middle part. So we worked through that. Um, just. Just really utilizing your voice as an instrument. You know that those are some key things that she. That she implemented, but it was never the way that I sing. She taught me. It was. She taught me how to hone what it is that I have.

[Torre]

Do you have a wider range than most people?

[Duran Bernard]

I feel like men do have the opportunity to have wider ranges than women, because we can get lower. We can access a. Like, we can get up there, but they can't get as low as we can. So it depends.

[Torre]

And what did dad teach you?

[Duran Bernard]

Dad taught me about boundaries, respect.

[Torre]

What I mean about music.

[Duran Bernard]

Music. Oh. Hmm. Well, he brought me on the road with him with Earth, Wind and Fire when I was 16 as a production assistant, so just getting a crash course in being on the road. I mean, that alone. I mean, sound, you know? Cause he also mixes, so being an audio engineer's son comes with its pros and cons. Because my ear is so sensitive to certain things.

[Torre]

Yeah.

[Duran Bernard]

Like, something could be just. I mean, a hair behind or ahead, and I'm like, nope. Like, we need to nudge it so you can hear. Yeah, absolutely. And that can. Like, it irritates me sometime, but also it. Because I need to be right.

[Torre]

That's everything. Yeah. I mean, the timing, the tone, it's every.

[Duran Bernard]

It's just the. It needs to be in pocket.

[Torre]

I didn't fully grasp that until Kanye did. I forget what it was. The album where he kept changing it in the days after it came out. Right. It was one of his later albums. And there was at least one house y kind of record that I loved. And I don't usually fall for Fall in Love with house songs, but that's House song. I was like, yo. And then he just changed it just a little bit. Almost imperceptible. But I'm like, now I don't like it. And it's just the tiniest little.

[Duran Bernard]

It could be a snare it could be a synth. I mean, so slight. We can tell. It's kind of like when us as artists, we get married to the demo. Like, we'll do our. You know, how we record it, and then it has to be sent off to get mixed and all that stuff. But we're so married to how we first heard it that we're trying to replicate that in the actual mix. So sometimes it's like, just master it the way it is. I don't do that, but yeah.

[Torre]

When did you come out to yourself?

[Duran Bernard]

Ooh, I love that question. I don't know if I ever had a chance to, like, come out to myself. I think there was a. Like, just a realization. Yeah, it's always been there.

[Torre]

Always. Yeah.

[Duran Bernard]

And it wasn't anything that I felt I needed to announce either. Like, if straight people don't have to announce that they're straight, why do I need to announce my preference? And for the longest and still, I don't identify as gay or bisexual or that I've always just said I'm me.

[Torre]

Yeah.

[Duran Bernard]

I will tell you what my preference is. I also. Can I cuss?

[Torre]

Of course.

[Duran Bernard]

Okay. So I always say that my letter in the L'je bte qua is a F, and that is fuck around and find out sexual. So it's literally just, you know what? I feel like I don't know what I'm gonna like until I see it. Just like my music, I don't know what I'm gonna like until I hear it. So I surprise myself sometimes.

[Torre]

So you don't think of yourself as gay? It's bigger than that.

[Duran Bernard]

Yeah. Well, my practices would contradict that.

[Torre]

Yeah, I'll do whatever. The spirit.

[Duran Bernard]

Yeah, I mean, the spirit preferably moves me to men, of course, you know, but then there are some women that I just feel like if you try me, like I'm. You know, that's what you want. Now, listen. We love Consent. It's my favorite fragrance, and it's gender neutral. Shout out to Marcus Prime.

[Torre]

Erykah Badu is a central figure in your whole story, ma'am. And there's this great story about you made a record, threw it out there, a mixtape. She heard it and invited you. Please tell the story. What had happened?

[Duran Bernard]

Oh, yeah. No. So 19, boom. My dad gives me a flip video camera, and I start posting videos on YouTube and I'm doing covers, doing reviews, skits, all that stuff. But of course, I'm covering Erica's stuff.

[Torre]

What album's she on then?

[Duran Bernard]

This was 2009, so she had just dropped. New America, part window seat. Window seat had just dropped. And I did the eight the Stepson of Erykah Badu mixtape. I just did a compilation of her covers. I recorded it all myself on Garage Band, and I put it out on her birthday. She heard it, blew up my mentions. And when you. Cause, baby, I wasn't on. Like, I wasn't awake when she heard it. So I woke up and I called. I called Emile, and I'm like, hey, what's going on? He was like, oh, you must not have been online yet. I was like, what happened? He was like, check your Twitter. She was like, oh, my God, this is phenomenal. This is amazing. She was retweeting the link, all that stuff. And then the following year, she reached out personally and was like, I want you in my van. And that summer. No, spring, I did Coachella with her. That was my very.

[Torre]

What is the feeling of. I love her. I'm sending her energy out into the world. And she. So many people have done that for Prince, for Erica, for whoever. But she actually heard you and verified you and was like, yes, please, more of this.

[Duran Bernard]

It is something to behold when you can inspire your inspiration to have someone personally reach out. It wasn't like this was management or her team. No, she personally reached out, said, text me, we need to talk. And I'm just trying to catch my breath. Cause and on top of that, I got a crash course in, like, the layers of who she is as a person. Like, for 14 years, I'm viewing you just as a fan now you're my boss. You're a mentor. She has called me her friend. You know, that was another moment. Like, did you just say what I thought you said? Like, you know, so that, you know, she's cool with my mom, my dad. Like, it's just. Oh, yeah, it's been a family affair.

[Torre]

What do you learn musically from being around her?

[Duran Bernard]

First of all, not to take myself so serious. Not to take myself so serious.

[Torre]

But she takes herself very seriously.

[Duran Bernard]

Yes, but she knows how to enjoy herself for sure. Yes. I think when you. And it's really about when you just. When everyone can know their stuff, then we can really enjoy ourselves. Not being worried about if I go flat or do something. Like, we're live in this. So, like, y'all niggas know I can sing, so I'm not worried about that. I mean, shoot, just being yourself, whoever that is, that day. You know, I've taken plenty of notes of what I would like to do when I do My thing or notes of what I don't want to do. You know, it's been like a masterclass, just in artistry, showmanship, you know, and also, you know, her being my unofficial therapist until I actually got into therapy officially in 2020.

[Torre]

She A good therapist, not an actual.

[Duran Bernard]

Therapist, but, you know, I would hit her up for advice and, you know, we would just talk, just certain things that just stayed with me, you know, from.

[Torre]

What advice did Erykah Badu give you?

[Duran Bernard]

Well, first and foremost, she taught me how not to internalize.

[Torre]

What does that mean?

[Duran Bernard]

Like, not to take what someone else is feeling and make it like, oh, what did I do? Or villainizing yourself, you know, she taught me how not to.

[Torre]

Because they're probably acting based on stuff that happened to them, not from you.

[Duran Bernard]

Yeah. Trauma warps our reality. So, yeah. So I was just like, all right. And when I tell you that lesson alone on not internalizing has really saved me in so many different areas. She also said that if you're going to, you know, be kind and do something doing because it's out of the kindness of your heart, not because you're trying to, you know, get anything out from anyone. Also, another thing that she said, one thing that I. The only thing that I trust about a person is for them to be themselves.

[Torre]

Mm, mm. Mm.

[Duran Bernard]

And that, too, is something that I'm like. Cause we want. Sometimes we want people to be this version of themselves. And it's like, even if the potential is there now, we need to be yourself.

[Torre]

Mm.

[Duran Bernard]

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[Torre]

When did you first say start to say, oh, wow, like I can really sing? Like maybe we could like, do this. I have professional potential.

[Duran Bernard]

Yeah. Professional.

[Torre]

Was that the dream?

[Duran Bernard]

No, no, I didn't dream of any of this because music has always been a part of my life. I always say music took me serious before I took it seriously.

[Torre]

Really?

[Duran Bernard]

So, yeah, when you're being invested in all of these different myriads from musical and musically inclined parents. And also not just parents, but I got, you know, my cousin Yanni, who produced for Tre and Missy and Maya and Lil Wayne. Like, that's my blood cousin, young Yanni, but professional potential. Right after I got off tour with my dad.

[Torre]

With Erica?

[Duran Bernard]

No, no, no. With Earth, Wind and fire at 16.

[Torre]

Really?

[Duran Bernard]

Yeah.

[Torre]

What then made you say, Oh, I.

[Duran Bernard]

Was singing in the hallway at the Greek Theater with one of the guitar players and we were just kind of fooling around in the hallway and next thing I know, there's a crowd above the railings and they're like, who is this? Even Phillip Bailey came out. I didn't see Phillip, but I was just down there, just. And so my dad came to me and said, so is this what you want to do? I don't know why I said yes.

[Torre]

You said yes, but you don't know why?

[Duran Bernard]

No, no, no, I do know why. Like, it was just with all of the responsibility that comes with this business.

[Torre]

Yes.

[Duran Bernard]

It's like my parents told me I can be anything I want and I just had to choose everything.

[Torre]

Right.

[Duran Bernard]

Like, whose idea was this? But yeah, no, it's been. I couldn't imagine doing anything else. Actually, I could if I wasn't doing music. There's a few things that I could see myself doing if I wasn't in music, but I love what I do.

[Torre]

Yeah. Tell us about the new. There's a new album.

[Duran Bernard]

Well, I put out two projects this year.

[Torre]

Tell me.

[Duran Bernard]

Two eps.

[Torre]

Tell me.

[Duran Bernard]

So the first one was en route. Okay. I said y'all was gonna get fed now. So we have Enroute, which is a road trip story.

[Torre]

Right.

[Duran Bernard]

It's the middle ground between the last full project and then the next full length project. So.

[Torre]

Which is coming next year. Okay.

[Duran Bernard]

Top of next year.

[Torre]

You already on it?

[Duran Bernard]

I am. I have to switch gears a little bit because a lot of my material is the middle. Like the little things, you know, like getting makeup on your clothes because someone hugged you. So I'm gonna just give y'all those fist bumps from here on out. Or needing to make a pit stop. I need to get this. I need to stretch my legs. I need to take my smoke break, whatever. Yeah. All those things And I was really. Let me see. Just trying to cultivate a story. Cause really, I was talking about my friends as well on the project. The different dynamics that I have with them, like GPS where I'm telling this guy who's interested in any of my homegirls. I have already set the tone for how they're supposed to be treated. So you, like, coming up in here, giving the bare minimum ain't gonna work. So what you need to do is get me an edible arrangement that is THC infused, Get on my good side and stay your ass there, you know, so things like that, you know, just so I had to switch gears a little bit for the new one. Cause I'm taking my publicist advice. I'm just going to do the love album.

[Torre]

Beautiful.

[Duran Bernard]

Yeah. I haven't. And I haven't done, like, love songs. I've been goofy 90% of my music.

[Torre]

Yeah.

[Duran Bernard]

Yeah.

[Torre]

Wait, the next album is first quarter of next year.

[Duran Bernard]

Yeah.

[Torre]

So how many songs are done?

[Duran Bernard]

So I have about nine that are in the consideration bucket. Like, I would like these to be on there because they're kind of in the. In the realm.

[Torre]

Yeah.

[Duran Bernard]

But I still wanna, you know, crank out at least maybe five more songs.

[Torre]

Okay.

[Duran Bernard]

Yeah.

[Torre]

To come up with how many you wanna be. 12.

[Duran Bernard]

12?

[Torre]

Yeah.

[Duran Bernard]

1212 tracks? Yeah.

[Torre]

Ooh.

[Duran Bernard]

I was like. I was doing EPS this year. And then we're gonna go back to the. Oh, and then the second EP that I dropped just last month is a dance house. House House music.

[Torre]

Okay.

[Duran Bernard]

Got with a group, Charlie Vituno, who's based out in la, and I heard them for my. On my. Recommended. On Spotify. Thought that the song that I heard had, like millions of streams. These guys didn't even have 5,000 monthly, you know, listeners. So I was like, what are y'all doing? How. What are y'all working on? I just want to, you know, get a feature in. And that feature turned into like, a couple songs being recorded. I'm like, well, why don't we just do a project? And so to go from enroute, which was like, live band stuff, to go to house. See, they were sisters. No, I'm talking. Yeah.

[Torre]

So, yeah, for sure. I did a study, personal study on history of disco and house last year, and really deeply understanding how for a lot of gay people in New York City, there was nowhere that they could, literally nowhere they could legally go to dance together. It was against the law for two men or two women to dance together. So they had to create their own private spaces where the police Would not come. And out of that, the disco and house sound and scene was created. And just the same as hip hop, we can go, oh, you know, Kool Herc is still here. We can ask him about da, da, da. Most of the people who help build disco are still here, and we could talk to them. I talked to. Within that, I talked to Jelly Bean Benitez.

[Duran Bernard]

Okay.

[Torre]

Who used to go to the loft, which is, like, the ground floor, the first space of disco, the first club. And it's extraordinary.

[Duran Bernard]

Ugh, I missed out. But also, too, I'm great. As much as I'd like to think in my mind, ooh, if I could have just been born, like, maybe 10 years earlier, just so I could have been a teenager in the 90s.

[Torre]

Yeah.

[Duran Bernard]

But also, I'm just thinking about the different resources that we have now with technology, medicine, all that stuff. I'm like, I think I might have been right, because I also can bring that vintage, old, seasoned, you know, whatever. I can bring that with me. So it still lives.

[Torre]

I remember feeling like got to New York, early 90s. I went to college in Atlanta, and feeling like, okay, I just missed the heyday, but, you know, I'm a deal with whatever happens. And then, like, a year later, you know, BIG and Pac happened, and hip hop, like, took off in another direction. And it was national, it was bigger, and it was wild. And there was this club scene that was very vibrant. And, oh, no. Like, things went. You thought that you were coming to a downslope, and it was ramping up. And, like, I think for you, the same thing of, like, you think, like, oh, if only I had been able to go to, what, Paradise Garage. Yeah, right. But, like.

[Duran Bernard]

I mean, at this point, I feel like I could orchestrate. I have to, like, cultivate and orchestrate my own little world sometime within the world. Now that my life is becoming what it is. I'm just grateful that I've been able to adjust with every level so it's not like I drop a song and then six months later, it's number one. And now I can't go anywhere, you know? So I'm actually grateful that I'm. It's been a slow burn, and I enjoy the slow burn because as Dr. Wilson told me, which is an old friend of mine, when I was talking about, dang, like, this is just taking forever. This feels like a very slow burn. And he was like, well, of course you're a slow burn, baby. You're the sun. Not a match.

[Torre]

Mm.

[Duran Bernard]

So I've been resting in the slow burn, the consistency of it.

[Torre]

When you hear the slow burn, everything else is revolving around you.

[Duran Bernard]

Come on now. You get it, you get it.

[Torre]

Yeah, that's deep. That's deep. I like that.

[Duran Bernard]

Yeah. That has stayed with me. Hey, Dr. Wilson, listen, we've been friends for almost 20 years, but you've been in school for 16 of them years that we've known each other. So now that you got your PhD and your doctorate, I'm referring to as Dr. Wilson.

[Torre]

Come on, come on. They deserve it.

[Duran Bernard]

Absolutely, they deserve it.

[Torre]

Where do you go to meet people? Like for a relationship?

[Duran Bernard]

Oh, dating.

[Torre]

Yes.

[Duran Bernard]

That's funny because I was literally just talking about like what dating looks like for me now. Yeah, I really just kind of meet people like when I go out irl. I know, right? In real life I like to. But mostly it's social media, you know, Depends on how I'm feeling. Depends on what's being. How the shot is being shot in my DMs. It's just.

[Torre]

Well, wait a minute, wait a minute. What would be a great shot? Like if somebody wanted to like get your attention and to get a date or at least get some. Like what would be the way to do. What would be the right way to do it?

[Duran Bernard]

Terea, you really think I'm finna say that?

[Torre]

Yes, I do.

[Duran Bernard]

Absolutely not. Just so that somebody can come up in my DMs and pretend to be what I need them to be for two weeks? Absolutely not. What I will say, what I will say is I want you to come and be yourself. I will say if you make me laugh, if you can make me giggle. Oh, there was one dm. It was so good the way the shop was like it was a gif, a meme included and everything. And I was like damn, I'm not attracted to you. I'm like had I at least been attracted, this would have been perfect.

[Torre]

So the approach was perfect but like.

[Duran Bernard]

Eh, enough for me. And I feel like if I have to squint, if I gotta do, if I don't immediately fall in love with it, it feels like a chore, right? And I don't wanna like.

[Torre]

But there's a coldness to seeing them on a screen, right? Like you might see them in person, be like oh, he's so cute.

[Duran Bernard]

Because there are folks that are extremely beautiful in person but they are not photogenic for sure. So then there's that also some people are personality cute and so they leave with personality and sometimes you've got to be able to experience the personality and sometimes it might be like, you know what, you might be able to laugh me at my draws. Like the key to my heart is food and laughter, you know, so it's like, but be yourself. I'm also and also trying to date where I am. It's difficult. Cause I'm also not, I don't. Right now I'm not practicing monogamy. That's not what I desire. Now will I ever be a monogamous or operate in monogamy? That is very possible. But I have to honor where I am right now. And so does that mean you want.

[Torre]

To be in polygamy or you're just not going to be in a committed relationship right now?

[Duran Bernard]

So commitment does not mean monogamy. That just means that we are adhering to whatever it is that we agreed to. Right. I am sex positive, ethically non monogamous. So I desire to have meaningful experiences with other people from time to time while still leaving room for exclusivity in my relationship.

[Torre]

But there's also honesty within that.

[Duran Bernard]

I want transparency.

[Torre]

Right.

[Duran Bernard]

Cause cheating is, that's very possible in that because all you have to do is just not. Once you go outside of the boundaries and the parameters that we have set for it, then that's being dishonest.

[Torre]

Right. And in your self description of what you want to be. Right.

[Duran Bernard]

You said sex positive and sex positive ethically non monogamous.

[Torre]

So ethically suggest I'm going to be honest. If I'm going to sleep with this.

[Duran Bernard]

Other person, you're going to know. There's not going to be anything that I'm going to do that you don't know. And it's not just me. You can have your experiences as well. Let me know, let's talk about it. And for me that really means being friends. Like I my next relationship, we have to be friends. Cause if I can't come and talk to you or it's a don't ask, don't tell type thing, I don't feel safe with that.

[Torre]

But there's also a, what would be the word maybe separation between what we do physically and what we do spiritually. So we have a spiritual connection.

[Duran Bernard]

Absolutely.

[Torre]

And he went and slept with him or her, whoever or them. That's that. Right. And I think in past generations were like the two things were mixed and if you touch somebody else that was an affront. And you're like no, no, no, we have a spiritual connection. And that you went and slept with somebody else does not necessarily.

[Duran Bernard]

I use it like this. Let's Say, my person's love language is cooking. You know, you love to cook. You put your heart and soul into that. That is how you show you love me. And then one day, I come home before you even get a chance to start cooking. Cause I know your schedule. Hey, babes, I think I want Wendy's tonight. So I wanna get a Frosty. That does not mean that I don't love your home cooking. It does not mean that the value isn't there. A bitch just wanted a Frosty, and we ain't got no goddamn Frosty machine. Okay? This don't mean I'm trying to go move in at Wendy's. You know, I ain't bringing back no Members Only jacket. Like, I just wanna. You know what? I can get one for you, too. Or we can get. I can get a large. We can split it. Like, it's not. You know, so when I love.

[Torre]

I love this analogy with large. Split it. What would that look like?

[Duran Bernard]

I mean, it can be either the two smallest. You got your thing, I got my thing. Or the largest. We play together. It's giving choir rehearsal. I'm gonna be on the main note, though. Y'all can work around me, but I'm gonna alto. That's me.

[Torre]

You're funny.

[Duran Bernard]

I've been told.

[Torre]

How do you write a song?

[Duran Bernard]

Um, in my notes.

[Torre]

On the phone.

[Duran Bernard]

On the phone. Uh, I will. I can be inspired by a conversation. There'll be things that I will say out loud. Therapy session. Ho, baby. The lyrics be coming together after them sessions. If I have a. If I have a beat, then I'll put together, like, the melody first. Try to get a structure together, and then I'll fit the lyrics into the structure. I'm also open to people writing for me, writing with people, you know, so.

[Torre]

I'm curious who's you talking about? People jumping into your DMs. Whose DM do you wanna jump into?

[Duran Bernard]

The ones that I haven't been left red on. Cause I do get left on red. I'm not gonna hold you some of these cute ass niggas. I'd be like, hey, how's it going? They'd be like, this is fake.

[Torre]

So you not employing what you want.

[Duran Bernard]

I mean.

[Torre]

I mean, Q, Jif cute.

[Duran Bernard]

Yeah, I just. I feel like I'm more than a catch. Like, I am just. But also, I've been doing a lot of work on and within myself. And so I feel like there are people who are doing work on themselves, but the work does not accommodate someone else being there. Like, I Look at the work that I do on myself, like, in my heart. Like I talked in Unknown in the beginning. I have space on this love sofa in my heart for someone else to be here. So the work that I have, I look at it like a sectional couch. Like, I can sprawl out on this thing. I can jump up and you can be on it, too, and be comfortable with me. Some of the work that my brothers are doing, because I really, you know, my preference is black, man. I'm open to a lot of things, but as far as, like, dating and merging businesses, I need cultural and racial empathy.

[Torre]

Right, right.

[Duran Bernard]

My brothers are doing the kind of work where it's like, it's a lazy boy, only your ass is gonna fit in there. All the tricks and bells and whistles. That is just for you. And that's fine. It's just. I would like to run into somebody who also has room on the couch for me to come and sit and be comfortable.

[Torre]

Right, right, right, right. So people. More people need to be doing work on themselves that leads to them being a positive part of a relationship rather than just, I'm fixing me up so I can be the best me that I can be.

[Duran Bernard]

I mean, Annette. And again, there are certain work that we can only do by ourselves. And then there's the work that we won't know that there's even work until we get into a relationship. Cause there are some very unsavory things that I found out about myself in my last relationship. Cause I had been single for five years. So once I realized. And it was. Some things were brought to my attention, like, okay, I don't want to do that anymore. Like, that doesn't make. I would not want that if I was going with me, you know, so, yeah, so we've. And even with some of my friends, I'm learning, you know, okay, I'm not going. I don't want to be talked to like that, or I'm not going to talk to someone else like that. You know, just little things, you know, that make a big difference. Yeah.

[Torre]

When we. I asked everybody who comes on the show what being black means to them and where it shows up in the work. And you talked about Little Richard and all these great black people inspiring you and propelling you forward. Erica, as a musician, I mean, it's absolutely black music that you're making. But talk about what being black means to you and being part of this amazing history of black music that you are feed. That you are fed by. And feeding into.

[Duran Bernard]

Being black is for Me, it reminds me of, like, when I would go outside as a little boy and I would wear, like, pink shoes, or I would walk out and I would have a Barbie in my hand. I knew once I stepped outside, somebody was gonna fuck with me. Somebody was gonna make it their business to let me know, you're a problem.

[Torre]

You're not on the script.

[Duran Bernard]

And I still did it anyway. Like, I didn't realize how much of a fuck you to everybody else I had in me. Even though I might cry, but I still did it. Cause first of all, I wanna wear the shoes. I wanna play with my Barbie. I'm fine in the house. My parents don't care. It's y'all. Which is why I'm glad that my homeschool experience is what it was. Cause y'all would have probably knew me in the worst way had I actually gone to school.

[Torre]

Mm. Yeah.

[Duran Bernard]

I'd have been famous for all the wrong reasons.

[Torre]

You never went to school? Mm.

[Duran Bernard]

Mm. High school, driving school.

[Torre]

College. So you've never been to organized school?

[Duran Bernard]

My high school was being on the road with Earth, wind, and fire. College was badu.

[Torre]

Do you feel like you have missed anything.

[Duran Bernard]

After, like, watching Degrassi and. No, she did it. Like watching Degrassi and feeling like I was missing out on some things. Once I grew up and realized, oh, no, I. My learning environment was custom for every level that I was at, and there was always music involved. And so I was able to be myself. Who I was was actually nurtured and nourished. I was able to ask questions. You know, my mother wasn't up because I said, so parent, you know, I said, hey, why do we. Why do I have to do X, Y and Z, or why are we going here? I would get an answer. So that whole concept of, like, we ain't got no McDonald's money. My mother was not an asshole. She was a smart ass, but she was not. We. We had McDonald's money. Like, stop playing. Like.

[Torre]

Wait, you're the only child.

[Duran Bernard]

My parents only baby, but I'm the youngest out of my cousins, so I'm a hybrid. I always wonder who would win between the baby and the only. People say the baby, but I'm the only and the baby together, so fuck with me.

[Torre]

But it sounds like they were super accepting of whatever was happening with you as a young gay man. He's pink. He's Barbie. What? And your dad and your mom were like, sure, go for it.

[Duran Bernard]

There were moments where they were trying to sort out how they felt because it Was more so what other people would say. And they ain't want nobody talking about they. You know, they baby. So there would be little moments where it's just like. Like, I tried to wear nail polish one time, and that was just.

[Torre]

They.

[Duran Bernard]

They're like, no.

[Torre]

Really?

[Duran Bernard]

Yeah. I was 16. Like, why can't I wear blue nail polish?

[Torre]

And they said, no.

[Duran Bernard]

No. My dad was like, no.

[Torre]

How do you say no? Like, no, you can't paint your nail.

[Duran Bernard]

Like, yeah. Again, this was their coming to terms with certain things.

[Torre]

I mean, this is. That was shocking to people. You're talking about 20 years ago. That was shocking to some people 20 years ago. And now it's much more common to see boys painting their nails or young men or men painting their nails. But, like, there was a time when that was not done.

[Duran Bernard]

Yeah, right. Not. All right. I came. I feel like I. I came into this right at the cusp of where it was turning. Because for the first couple years, folks, was not like, it was all my sexuality was. It never failed. It was always a part of a conversation. So what is that?

[Torre]

When you were like.

[Duran Bernard]

When I first was late teens, early 20s, trying to break into all this, people on the Internet already dubbed me what I was. They're like, not only is he gay, he's a bottom. Like, his dick don't work. I like.

[Torre]

Wow.

[Duran Bernard]

The way my manhood has been jabbed at for the longest growing up. Because n was like, yeah, you're not going to be throwing glitter on my back. Whoa, wait a minute. Glitter? Yeah. So now they're wrong. Absolutely.

[Torre]

But were they wrong?

[Duran Bernard]

They were. Absolutely. There's. We can't assume how someone behaves outside of the bedroom is how they'll behave in the bedroom. There's only been one person that has been outside and inside. And it wasn't a compliment. If you goofy outside and you. No. Bye.

[Torre]

But no, you're right, you're right. People perform masculinity and femininity differently in the street, in the bedroom, in the house. Right. I mean, like with their homegirls.

[Duran Bernard]

With their homeboys, everything is.

[Torre]

You may be a top with one partner and a bottom with another partner.

[Duran Bernard]

Absolutely.

[Torre]

Right. Or one day to the next day.

[Duran Bernard]

Yeah. Or both at the same time.

[Torre]

Or both at the same time.

[Duran Bernard]

Because I love. Listen, a flip flop ain't just something cute you wear in the summertime. Okay, so like, run them cheeks, sir. Cause not only does it work, it's gonna work. You stupid. Listen, I'll tell a joke, but I ain't gonna tell A lie.

[Torre]

That's true. That is true. You're funny. You're funny.

[Duran Bernard]

What do you wanna do next, man? I want a variety show. Like, I want a. I wanna. I wanna show. I wanna get into voiceover work. I would love to have a cartoon. Like, that'll be like, hmm. There's a. Like, Yeah, I. Because there's so much creativity going on up in this brain. It's like, you really gotta write stuff down. You gotta get it out and also get it to people who actually know how to bring it to life. Because there are creative people who have the idea, but not the wherewithal to, like, bring it into fruition. So, like, there's only but so far that I can go. Which is why I tell people, you cannot do this alone. You can't do it by yourself.

[Torre]

What you were talking about a minute ago about the way people misperceived your masculinity, and I think I went through something kind of similar. I mean, you know, the first 10 years I was living in New York, I was not. I'm still not some macho guy and heard a lot of whispering and commenting, usually behind my back. Right. About like, well, he's not a real man. Da, da, da, da. Maybe they. Maybe they guessed that he was gay or something. And, you know, and I think it's a response to. You're not a certain kind of masculine, so you must be.

[Duran Bernard]

Yeah.

[Torre]

Which is a bizarre sort of leap. But you went the same sort of thing.

[Duran Bernard]

And I. And by the way, I recognize your masculinity. Like, it doesn't. It's not overly anything. I feel like it's a great balance, you know, which we need a little bit of softness in all of it. Like, there is softness there. And why we run from it. I mean, of course, because it's the hatred of women.

[Torre]

The hatred of women.

[Duran Bernard]

Anything feminine, like, it's wild. Like, the way it trickles down. Like, you have straight men who hate women that are sexually attracted to them, but they don't like them as people.

[Torre]

Right.

[Duran Bernard]

And then you have. In the community, you have masculine men who hate feminine men. They bottom shame. And it's like, how are you shaming what you're trying to get? And then you have the bottoms who shame other bottoms. They're like, oh, if my man ever got fucked. No, absolutely not.

[Torre]

Why would the bottoms shame other bottoms?

[Duran Bernard]

The same reason why there's pick mes.

[Torre]

Mm. Mm.

[Duran Bernard]

Yeah. So I'm just like, I'm not even entertaining that. Can't. I can't and it's. There's so much work to be done. So much. It's like. And the heteronormativity that has bled into the gay community is like.

[Torre]

What do you mean?

[Duran Bernard]

Like, the gender roles. It's like, oh, you're more feminine, so you're the woman you're gonna be doing the housework you're gonna be. Or the ones that are that considered the bottom. Oh, yeah, he's paying. I'm not. I'm not. Like, I don't. Like, they want to be somebody's passenger princess so bad. I mean, both of y'all can be. It just. But the structure of it is very. I've never fit into that. It's a box.

[Torre]

Mm.

[Duran Bernard]

Yeah.

[Torre]

God, that is so much. So much of what the next generation is talking about. Fuck the boxes.

[Duran Bernard]

Yeah.

[Torre]

Right. Cause we're Gen X. We're like, okay, great. So which box are you in? And, like, whatever box you want to choose is fine. You want to be gay, you want to be lesbian? Like, fine. And. And people are like, I choose no box. And we're like, wait, what does that mean? My brain just broke. I don't understand how you.

[Duran Bernard]

I'm gonna tell you what it means. It means I'm not meant to be understood. I'm meant to be experienced.

[Torre]

Mm.

[Duran Bernard]

And what I've learned is I don't have to necessarily understand what's going on in order to enjoy myself or in order to just be able to take in what's going on and just experience it. Like, wow, okay.

[Torre]

Bad.

[Duran Bernard]

Take it or leave it, or no judgment, whatever. But I just. People be trying to understand stuff sometimes. It's not meant for them to understand either. This ain't your story. Just like when I went to my dad when I was a teenager, inquiring about if he had ever had feelings for men before. I know, right? I know, right? I was just curious. Have you ever. You know. He shut that down, and at that moment, I realized, okay, he does not have the language or the wherewithal to help me in this particular area in my life. Right, Right. And I did not hold that against him, nor did it take away the value of all the things that he taught me.

[Torre]

Right.

[Duran Bernard]

It's just someone else had to step in and be like, okay, this is what gay sex is, right? Hiv, education, all that stuff. Blah, blah, blah. And I'm just so grateful that I had access to that. Cause it's the prime example of it takes a village.

[Torre]

Yes.

[Duran Bernard]

And sometimes parents don't even know who's in the Village.

[Torre]

No, for sure. I mean, surely he may not have had any ability to even understand what you were talking about. There was nothing this openness to, like, everybody talk about whatever. Everybody be whatever. It's like, you know, this is the way things are. Oh, Johnny down the street is gay. Cool. That's him. He lives in the hood. That's him. He stay over there and whatever. But not like this free flow of conversation and ideas and you're experiencing it differently than somebody else and differently than them. And, like, let's all experiment and everybody's on a spectrum. The notion of everybody being on a spectrum of sexuality. No, they did not understand that at all.

[Duran Bernard]

Mm. Yeah, I. Hmm. Cause yeah, I even trying to get to, like, the origins or the root of my sexuality sometime, I was just like, hitting a wall. Cause it's just. No, it's always been there.

[Torre]

Yeah.

[Duran Bernard]

You know, I've had an infinity for this. And then as I get older, I'm learning. Oh, I can expand, you know? Yeah, it's. It wasn't so such a thing. Which is interesting. It's like, especially us here in the States, it's like people push sex, but then it's also like, ooh, let's not talk about it all at the same time.

[Torre]

Right.

[Duran Bernard]

I don't get it.

[Torre]

No, we are very puritan and conservative and, like, nervous about it. But then we also love our sex symbols, our Hugh Hefner, our. Or Dr. Ruth. And like, we want to be open about it, but then we don't.

[Duran Bernard]

Yeah, that. I'm like, look, I'm. I'm here. Like, I'm an experience. Way to eat a tea. You listening to an app for PC Game Pass. Want new games on day one? Like Indiana Jones and the Great Circle? How about living out your SIMS Life with EA Play? We talking high quality PC games, all for one low monthly price. We got you. Learn more at Xbox.com PCGame Pass or.

[Torre]

Click the banner Indiana Jones and the Great Circle. Available December 9, 2024. Game catalog varies by region and over time.

[Duran Bernard]

Okay, that's the ad. You can go back to doing whatever.

[Torre]

You were doing now. I'm James McComb reporting live from home.

[Duran Bernard]

In my bathrobe in slippers.

[Torre]

Tonight we're talking Dunkin Poehler Peppermint Coffee.

[Duran Bernard]

Genes here with the latest. Uh, Gene, do you copy? The home with Duncan is Where youe Wanna Be.

[Torre]

You talked about the period in history you come in that you are experiencing more freedom.

[Duran Bernard]

Mm.

[Torre]

As a young gay man than queer. Excuse me. As a Young queer man than your brothers and cousins and even five or.

[Duran Bernard]

Ten years prior to that.

[Torre]

Right, right, right.

[Duran Bernard]

Just that small window, right? Yeah. Cause now from the time I hit the scene on YouTube at the end of 2007 was just, we don't. I'm trying to think, who do we have back then that was even like, No, I was. And again, I was not advocating, like, hey, y'all, I'm gay. I'm a part of the. No, it's just. I'm being myself.

[Torre]

I'm here.

[Duran Bernard]

I'm just showing up, and here y'all are, slapping all these labels on me so that y'all can understand. And that's when I say, okay, if that's what you need to do to grasp me, you do that. That has nothing to do with me.

[Torre]

Right?

[Duran Bernard]

Yeah. And now we have Lil Nas X and Saucy Santana and shoot. I mean, like, we. The representation truly does matter when you can look on the screen and see yourself in any kind of myriad. That's why I've been told I'm inspiring people to be themselves. And that's a beautiful thing. Cause here I was just trying to figure out how to be myself and figure out what that looks like. And we're still figuring out what that looks like. I'm learning in real time. I can't study for a lot of these things that I experience in life. We're learning in real time. And that's where the lesson is.

[Torre]

Who did you look at in the world to be like, I like the way he or she's doing it. I wanna be a little bit more like them.

[Duran Bernard]

So there's an immediate influence, and then there's like, pop culture and stuff. Right. The immediate was my God sibling, because now they are non binary. But back when they were him, this was the first person that I had seen be a feminine man that shared the same humor as me. We love music. You know, this was someone that introduced me to Brandy in 702 and Missy Elliott and just growing up, and they're still in my life, too. We actually did a song on Pit Stop, DeShawn Jenkins, but I call them they Sean.

[Torre]

Okay.

[Duran Bernard]

Just so that, you know, I was like, that's for you, babes. So that was someone that I was inspired by that I looked up to in ways that I don't even, like, realize. And now that has, like, come full circle. Because now, since I've done a few interviews where I brought them up, it inspired them to start doing music again. And I get it. I was like, I Have to let you know, I'm like, I'm a fan of your music, babes. Like, I've been listening to you since I was 12. And, you know, now we get to collaborate. And you're doing this stuff where I'm like, ugh. I resonate with that. So. And then as far as, outside of that, Captain Hook. Specifically from the 1954 adaptation of Peter Pan where Mary Martin played Captain Hook.

[Torre]

Captain Hook from Peter Pink? Yes.

[Duran Bernard]

Oh, yes.

[Torre]

He's gay.

[Duran Bernard]

No, no, no, no, no. Just when we're talking about. I'm gonna paint the picture for you. You got this man who has this long wig with these curls, this top hat with a feather out. You got your jacket, your velvet jacket with the ruffles and your thigh high boots with the stockings on. And got the nerve to have a slew of men following you with instruments ready. Excuse me, gentlemen. Tempo.

[Torre]

Ooh.

[Duran Bernard]

What's the tempo? A tango. Yes. Doom da doom doom do doom.

[Torre]

Yes.

[Duran Bernard]

Yes. Da doom. Come on, Babs. Da doom doom. Like that. If that's not me. Oh, my God. If I were to do any of that, like, I feel like Captain Hook would be a shoo in. I could possibly do Jafar. Who? Jafar from Aladdin. And also, if I ever did Broadway and I did Little Shop of Horrors, of course the plant would be a shoo in. But also the Dentist. Oh, absolutely.

[Torre]

Wait, who else?

[Duran Bernard]

Captain Hook. Who else do we have the birdcage. I remember getting my hands on that when I was, like, 10. I feel like that was the first time that I really saw, like, drag queens. Drag queens. Cause when they were performing, you know, we are Family, and I was like, wow, they really singing. Okay, ladies. And then, like, they went to get off stage and they started changing. I was like, oh, but I've also had this concept of gender. Or when, like I said, I'm watching Peter Pan, where Mary Martin is playing Peter, I'm like, well, why didn't. Couldn't they get a guy to play it? You know?

[Torre]

To play Peter?

[Duran Bernard]

Yeah, to play Peter. So I just was like, okay, that's what it is. So it was never. I was never confused about it. My mom always, like, she. And she always said, like, nothing is off limits. You can ask questions. Like, not me, not your father, not religion, none of that. Like, you can ask questions. So that has always kept my curiosity alive because she made room for me.

[Torre]

But you are very much in touch with both your male and feminine energy.

[Duran Bernard]

Oh, yeah.

[Torre]

And is one more dominant than the other, or. It depends. On the day.

[Duran Bernard]

It really depends on the day. I have a song called Mango Butter where the hook is, I'm a bad bitch and I'm that nigga. Like, I'm. It's literally the non binary theme song. It is the Butch Queen anthem, you know? Yeah. Sometimes, like, and it really depends. Like, even when I walk, depending on what kind of shoes I got on, if they a little heavy, baby, that stride is gonna be tough. And I remember walking. Walking with this. Walking with this guy I was. I was chatting with when I was in my early 20s. And he said, you walk like you know where you're going. Hmm. And it's just when you are confident in yourself, like, it shows up in just how you like your shoulders are back. Like, my head is high. Like, why am I slouching for you?

[Torre]

Mm.

[Duran Bernard]

That's why everybody thinks I'm taller than what I really am.

[Torre]

A lot of women talk about men suck because a lot of men do not do even the bare minimum motion.

[Duran Bernard]

I'm not proud of my gender. I'm not. I just am not.

[Torre]

Is that what you find in your dating world, that, like, in generally the men suck?

[Duran Bernard]

Men are. Here's the thing, and I wanna. I wanna point this out. There. We are not special or unique in how we feel or think or move. And I'm being generous with this number. There's at least two sold out Renaissance concerts worth of people who think, look, and feel the same way that you do. We're just spread out across the globe, separated by beliefs and culture and language, like, all of that stuff. So we're out here, it's just. And it's meeting each other at the time where we're both aligned. Like, if I met someone that we are, you know, we have a good friendship. We, you know, we can work well together. But you might not be monogamous or you might be monogamous. I'm not. So we're not aligned in that area. There might be a time where you might not be that, but then there could be a time where I'm like, I think I want to be monogamous now. So it's all about being aligned at the time. We could absolutely be great for each other, but if we're not aligned in the areas where it genuinely matters, it's like, it's. So I'm just trying to keep my eyes peeled for something that just makes sense. I just. I feel like I'm very. Like, I'm complex, but I'm also very simple. Very simple. I could eat chicken and rice forever. Cause you can do a lot of different presentations with just chicken and rice. So I'm not. I'm not picky. I feel like I'm a. If I was not me, I would absolutely wanna date me.

[Torre]

You would?

[Duran Bernard]

I would fuck the shit out of me. I would turn me every which way but lose. Excuse me.

[Torre]

I wanna hear why. And I do appreciate the opinion in that we should construct ourselves to be. If I was not me, I would think I was the shit. And I'm like, yo, I wanna be friends with him. I wanna listen to these fucking cool, right? And if you're not doing that, you should work on yourself to figure out how can I live who my really. What my dream really is, and, like, be the person I really want to be. But. Okay, but you're going a little bit further than I am. So talk about what? You wanna fuck yourself.

[Duran Bernard]

I would listen. One of my favorites things to do at the beginning of the day is when I'm getting out the shower and I'm putting on my coconut oil and I'm just getting myself down. I see the definition of my body. Cause I've always looked like this. Like, I haven't even been. I need y'all to understand this era of me feeling sexy is new.

[Torre]

Okay?

[Duran Bernard]

It is new. Cause for the longest, I always looked at myself as the goofy boy that lived next door that could sing. Like, that's how I view myself.

[Torre]

And now you are.

[Duran Bernard]

I'm a sex symbol. Absolutely. Absolutely. Men and women trying to get in. Absolutely.

[Torre]

I laugh because of the audacity, not because of what you're saying. I believe what you're saying is true. Absolutely. But the audacity is.

[Duran Bernard]

It's present. It's in the room with us. I mean, my therapist tells me all the time, like, you have, like, mad audacity just to be yourself. That takes audacity.

[Torre]

But I mean, if you feel like you're a sex symbol and you feel.

[Duran Bernard]

I know.

[Torre]

You know.

[Duran Bernard]

That you're a sex symbol.

[Torre]

I know. And you feel. I mean, like, if you see the external judgment is not the point that you look in the mirror and you're like, I look good. I look good, and I look better than I used to look.

[Duran Bernard]

Absolutely.

[Torre]

So I am trending upward.

[Duran Bernard]

That's a beautiful thing. And I, like, I feel good about myself. Like, it's not just the external part. It's the, like, wow, I'm the best version of myself. Like, I feel like I'm mentally and emotionally. Like, I'm in a healthy Space. And also, too, I want to put this out there. As far as what I'm looking for. I'm looking for someone that has put in or let me change that. Someone that is far along in their healing. Because this whole concept of I want a healed man. Babes, no such thing. Nobody's healed. But far along enough in your healing where you can be an asset and not a liability. That's what I'm looking for. Because I'm more of an asset than a liability. Will I bump into stuff? Will I knock stuff over? Will I step on your shoes? Yes.

[Torre]

Do I still have work to do on myself? Absolutely. But I am far enough along that I can be an asset to you in your healing journey rather than a toxic pulling you back.

[Duran Bernard]

Yeah.

[Torre]

Deep.

[Duran Bernard]

Yeah. That's what I'm looking for.

[Torre]

Cause if you expect a healed person, you are putting the bar beyond human ability.

[Duran Bernard]

Yeah, beyond. Yeah.

[Torre]

Right.

[Duran Bernard]

Not as a human cause even. And I say healing because even there are things that I've gone through as a child or as a teenager, and those parts of me can be triggered. And I've learned that there's a difference between having a trigger and then having an issue. See, the issue is something that you deal with daily. Like, that's an ongoing thing. A trigger is. It could happen at any moment. And when you realize it, it's like, oh, okay, I can pinpoint why I felt this way. You know, something as simple as I tell my friends or anybody that I am close enough with to where we will, like, spend the night together. If you have to leave in the morning, do not leave without waking me up. That is an abandonment trigger. If we shared space night before, I don't care who it is, even if it's your ass, don't you leave without waking me up and say, hey, I'm leaving. That. That is a trigger for me. Yeah. So, yeah. So just something like. And I. And that was something that me and my mom talked about when she first did it. I woke up one morning, everybody was gone. And I'm pretty sure that she probably only went to the store. She might have only been gone 20 minutes. Maybe 20 minutes.

[Torre]

You're what, how old?

[Duran Bernard]

Like six or seven.

[Torre]

See? All of it. You keep coming back to therapy and things you learned in therapy. Therapy is very important.

[Duran Bernard]

It's so important.

[Torre]

And they will. You get into it, and they'll be like, okay, we have to talk to your inner child and see where he or she is hurt and deal with them.

[Duran Bernard]

So I can. I can ignite and I told her. I was like, you cannot do that. You have to promise me you will not leave without letting me know. And she was like, ooh, okay, I promise. Like, it was very. So experiencing that as an adult and having conversations with friends about that. Like, a friend of mine did that to me where he left. And I woke up, and there was this. Like, this. It was almost like somebody put, like, a. Like a weight on my fucking sternum.

[Torre]

Mm.

[Duran Bernard]

And I was so bothered by that, like, the entire day. And I remember right before I left. Cause I crashed it at his spot. I remember writing a note, and it was a sad face, and it was signed my inner child. I was like, I need you to know who you hurt. It was just a sad face. And so. Cause in my mind as I'm writing it, I was like, I sign that so that he knows who it's from. And so now he knows. Dang. Like, all right. I mean, to hurt. First of all, I didn't mean to hurt you, period. But definitely not like, your inner child. Like, no, I'm not. Cause he got hitting the crossfire with this.

[Torre]

You are drama.

[Duran Bernard]

How am I drama? By acknowledging my trigger.

[Torre]

You are very aware and very thoughtful about you and the multiple layers of things that are happening. But, nigga, if you left me a note with a frowny face sign my inner child, I think I would. I would need a year of therapy just to get through that. Oh, my God, what have I done to this other person? I am so hurt.

[Duran Bernard]

Well, I see, the thing is, when you let someone know that they've done something, that's my attempt to mend the. Whatever that's going on. Cause I want you to know how that affected me.

[Torre]

Right?

[Duran Bernard]

You know, And I. And I wanna know. Let me know your buttons so that I know which ones not to push.

[Torre]

Oh, see? See, that's funny, because I'm like, please let me know what your buttons are so I can mash them.

[Duran Bernard]

See, I don't see with my wife.

[Torre]

And she'll hear. She'll be like, yeah, you're an asshole. If we're fighting and there's a line from the fight that says, and I'll let her talk her shit. And we start to come down, we're coming out of it. And then I'll repeat some shit she said in the fight in a funny way. And she's like, okay, now you want a fist fight? Like, what are you doing right now? We got out of that. I'm like, oh, oh. Would it bother you if I repeated.

[Duran Bernard]

This I mean, listen, listen. We don't know until we know, which is why there are certain parts of yourself that you will only learn being by yourself. But there are other parts of yourself you will learn. Spending time with people. And it doesn't even have to be a romantic thing, but just when you spend a lot of time with people, it's like, now I have bonds with people where it's like, if they're affected, I'm affected. It's like, you're stressed. Okay. I need to figure out how we can.

[Torre]

That level of empathy.

[Duran Bernard]

Yeah, I absolutely. Like, there is. It needs to be studied. The crippling effect that it has on me when I have disappointed someone that I care about. It is physically debilitating.

[Torre]

Wow.

[Duran Bernard]

Yeah.

[Torre]

Wow.

[Duran Bernard]

Yeah. I.

[Torre]

Wait a minute. Is that just for people in your life? Does that go to your fans?

[Duran Bernard]

No, no, no. These are people, like.

[Torre]

Cause one day.

[Duran Bernard]

Oh, yeah. No, no, no.

[Torre]

You will make an album that diverges from what your fans want. Are you gonna be paralyzed in the house?

[Duran Bernard]

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. This is literally.

[Torre]

I gotta know you.

[Duran Bernard]

I have to know. We have had to have an understanding about one another. There is safety and trust there. You know, there is a level of reverence that I have for you being in my life. And so if I've done anything to make you uncomfortable or disrupt this peace that we have because I thought something was a good idea or because I wasn't thinking or because I thought I was being considerate and I wasn't being considerate enough, and it's like, I will literally want to, like, throw myself off a bridge. Like, it's.

[Torre]

That.

[Duran Bernard]

It's so dramatic. It's like, let me just. My tail, my ears. I'm. Just. Let me go away for a while. I don't even need you to see my face. Cause I can't stand to see you look at me and be disappointed. Like, it's too much.

[Torre]

It's amazing how aware of yourself you are.

[Duran Bernard]

My awareness is so isolating sometimes. It is so. And it's cold. Because seriously, when you. When you are that in tune, it's like you were almost. How do I. Is someone else gonna be that aware? Cause that's a lot of inner. That's a lot of shadow work. That's a lot of inner work to do, you know, literally knowing yourself. And I'm Mr. Get to Know Me. I'm always trying to figure out, what do we need? What are we learning today?

[Torre]

What did you learn today?

[Duran Bernard]

Ooh.

[Torre]

What did you learn in this conversation.

[Duran Bernard]

Huh? I learned that you're married. Cause I didn't know that. And you made me go, mm, a few times. I love when I get asked questions that really make me think or that have not been asked before, which is something that Mary J. Blige had mentioned a while ago. She's like, what? Y'all just gonna ask me? She had an attitude. She's like, y'all just gonna ask me the same questions over and over again.

[Torre]

She always has an attitude.

[Duran Bernard]

This is way. This is back in the day. This is like the 90s. But I was just like. I was like, she cooked. Because I get it. Some stuff is like, okay, y'all, this is public knowledge. But I also like the elaboration of delving deeper. But you be doing your homework, though.

[Torre]

Thank you so much.

[Duran Bernard]

Of course.

[Torre]

Thanks for hanging out with us. Torres show gives you fuel to power your dreams. Because you can use your dreams like a rocket ship to blast you into a life you never imagined. You can make your dreams a reality. And maybe somehow this show can help. You can find me on Twitter or Torre, on TikTok or TorreShow and on Instagram or torreshow. Torres show is written by me and produced by Ashley Hobbs. Our editor is Ryan Woodhull. Our booker is Ray Holiday, and we're distributed by DCP Entertainment. And we will be back with more guests next Wednesday because the man can't shut us down.

[Duran Bernard]

Sa.