Transcript
A (0:02)
Hi, I'm Ash. And I'm Dusty and this is Translating ADHD listeners. I will be doing a coaching demo for our Patreon subscribers on Tuesday, November 18th at 8:00 clock Eastern. Information on how to join will be posted both on Patreon and in the Discord. And just a reminder, if you're not already a Patreon subscriber, you can join for five bucks a month. That gives you access to the podcast. Discord server also gives you access to our live monthly events, including this one. To subscribe, visit the website translating ADHD.com Click on the Patreon tab.
B (0:42)
And I have a new coaching group starting in January. So if you want to coach with me, Dusty, in a group coaching format, you can go to vancouveradhdcoaching.com or adhdstudio ca for more information. There are limited spots available. Group coaching runs from January to April. It's really fun. It's a great way to try out coaching without a huge commitment. And you get free access to the ADHD studio as well as a lot of camaraderie from your ADHD brethren. So I recommend it.
A (1:17)
So, Dusty, you want to tell our listeners what it is we're going to be talking about today?
B (1:20)
Today we're talking about ADHD and self esteem or self worth. I haven't decided. Simple.
A (1:27)
Yeah, it's sort of both, Right. And this is a pretty universal challenge with adhd. The statistic I always repeat that was in Attitude magazine, however many years ago, is that by the age of 12, children with ADHD will receive 20,000 more negative messages than their neurotypical peers. Right. And when we don't know what we don't know about our own adhd, we're receiving these negative messages that we're not behaving correctly, we're not doing correctly. Why can't we just be like everyone else? Why can't we just do this or do that? And we don't have good answers to that. And so we start to kind of embody that. Maybe this is just who we are. If these are the messages that we're constantly receiving, maybe this is just who we are. And on top of that, we talk about big signals. Negative messages are a much bigger signal than positive messages. And so repetitive negative messages over the course, course of a lifetime tend to stick with us, whereas we don't see the positive messages. We don't necessarily see where we're showing up well or doing well or we're in areas of strength.
B (2:35)
I feel like there's myriad Factors, as you mentioned, it's a combination of the feedback that we get from other people, which is probably Asher, also amplified by rejection sensitivity. Right. Like, I think we kind of need to acknowledge. I don't want to hurt everyone's feelings here, but I think we need to acknowledge that, like, there's. There's a thing where maybe someone expresses disapproval of us or disappointment with us, and then it gets refracted through the chamber of the rejection sensitivity in our hearts and it comes out the other end way louder and harder. So it's also, you know, that's part of it, right, is we've gotten negative feedback. And that negative feedback has been amplified through rejection sensitivity to be like, you are the worst person. But then on top of that, there. There's a really interesting piece here around, like, mastery. Like, one of the things that's so interesting when I'm doing coaching with people, not around, you know, specifically self esteem, but just about succeeding and whatever they're trying to do is that I've really noticed that people with ADHD always focus on their areas of weakness and never on their areas of strength. Meaning if somebody is good at something, they'll tend to just dismiss it, especially if it comes easily to them. And this is the thing. I. I think that one of the sort of positive sides of ADHD is if we're interested in something, if we find something fun or interesting, it comes quite easily to us. And because it comes quite easily to us, there's like some part of our brain that goes, okay, well, that doesn't count because it was easy because I didn't have to work at it. And so there's this affiliation between something being easy that you don't have to work for and yeah, it doesn't count. It's like, only the things we have to work at count. And the things we have to work at tend to be the things that we are not good at because they're boring or hard for us. And because they're boring and hard, it takes extra effort for us to even engage with them, let alone make progress. So we set ourselves up for this life where only the things that we suck at count. And we're working ever and ever harder to, like, make progress on those things. And it's very hard for us to make progress on those things. Meanwhile, there's like, all this stuff we're good at, all these talents we have, all this stuff that comes easily to us, and it just doesn't count. It just gets washed away when you flip the script and you Start saying, okay, what if the things that are easy do count? And what if I can give myself credit for being good at things even if I didn't have to work hard for them? And what if I can build a life around the things that I find easy and pleasant and that I'm actually good at? Which, guys, let me tell you, it feels like cheating, okay? It feels like taking candy from a baby. It feels like you must be doing something illegal, honestly. And it's not because, just because it's easy for you. This is one of the faulty assumptions. It's not easy for everyone, right? When something comes easy to us, we think, well, it must be easy for everyone. Not the case. Not the case at all. And when you start to recognize that the things that you are able to do well, that are easy for you have value to other people, regardless of how hard or easy it was for you to learn to do them, and you start building a life around those, there's a big chunk of the puzzle right there. So. So, Ash. Yeah. There's this interesting connection between how other people feel about us, but also how we, how we merit our own worthiness through our accomplishments. And this is what I was saying, when I say I don't know whether I'm talking about self esteem or self worth, it is kind of both. Because I've heard, to me, I think of those terms quite interchangeably, but I've heard it distinguished that self esteem is something you derive through like accomplishments or something, and self worth is like inherent value that all people have. But I think it's both and I tend to use those terms pretty interchangeably. And then this is all kind of mixed up in how we relate to other people as well. Because if you are so sure that you're coming from that ADC one down perspective and you're always worried about, you know, pissing people off or losing people. And in addition to that, you're always focused on your area of weakness. I mean, you're going to have pretty, pretty anxious attachments to people, right? And when, when that's the case, it's going to be pretty hard for you to set boundaries. And, and if you can't set boundaries, then you are also likely inviting treatment that is maybe not going to do much for your self worth and self esteem. Because let me tell you, there are people in this world that are boundary pushers and people with good boundaries don't put up with those people, right? People who are boundary pushers don't really want to hang around with people who you Know, have good boundaries. They're out. You know, they're out looking for the. For the people whose boundaries they can push. And I don't mean that in a nefarious sense. I'll give a quick example here, and then I'll. I'll stop. I recently made a new friend or an. Let me say, a new acquaintance. I made a new acquaintance recently, and I don't know this person very well at all. And they have already asked me for many favors, including to borrow money. And they're, you know, they're a person in a tough position. They're going through some stuff. They, you know, their power got cut off. They, like, don't have enough food. Like, they're really in a. In a tough position. And I've offered to help them with some things that are not really. I don't know them that well, but it was something that, like, didn't really take away from. It was something I was going to do anyway, right? So I was like, oh, I wouldn't mind, blah, blah, blah, doing something, you know, for you. You know, it's like that saying, give them an inch and I'll take them out. I offer this person one thing that I felt comfortable giving, and since that time, they've asked me for, like, several more things. And they're a nice person, so I feel quite badly to say no. But I also had to step back and recognize, like, wow, I don't know this person at all. And they keep asking for things, and so I keep having to set really strong boundaries. And, you know, my friendship with this person is probably not gonna progress. It's probably not gonna deepen. They know that they're not getting anywhere with asking me for more stuff than I'm com. I've made it pretty clear that I'm only comfortable giving what I have already offered to give. And so I'm setting a strong boundary, which means this person's not gonna get very far with me. Right. And again, that's. I'm not saying that they're, like, a nefarious, evil person. They're just a person in a bad situation who's a boundary pusher. But let's say that every time that person asks me was, like, I gave it to them. Well, they would keep asking me for, like, more and more and more, and they would keep bringing more and more of their problems to me. And if I ever did want to set a boundary and say no, that would probably be, like, kind of tough for them because they're used to getting what they want. From me. Right. And so in the same way, I think we invite people into our lives who maybe don't make us feel great about ourselves, but they know that they can do that because we're never going to stand up for ourselves. And how can we stand up for ourselves when we don't believe that we're worth standing up for? So it becomes this whole kind of complex cycle of various points in a constellation that all make up good self esteem and good self worth. And I don't know, Ash, and maybe you could speak to this, I don't know that you can separate any one piece off and just deal with that. I think they kind of all have to be worked on at the same time in a way, like boundaries, how you view your accomplishments, how you view yourself through the eyes of others. But they, you do sort of have to work on all of them if you want to feel better about yourself. Would you agree, Dusty?