Translating ADHD: From Negative Messages to Self-Compassion — How ADHD Shapes Self-Esteem

Podcast Hosts: Asher Collins and Dusty Chipura
Date: November 3, 2025

Overview

In this episode, hosts Ash and Dusty dive into the complicated relationship between ADHD, negative self-messages, and self-esteem. Drawing from their extensive experiences as ADHD coaches, they discuss how repeated criticism, rejection sensitivity, and societal expectations uniquely shape the self-worth of adults with ADHD. The episode also offers practical approaches for reframing self-judgment, recognizing strengths, setting boundaries, and fostering self-compassion.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

The Impact of Negative Messages and Rejection Sensitivity

• Early Negative Messaging:
  Ash cites a startling statistic:

  “By the age of 12, children with ADHD will receive 20,000 more negative messages than their neurotypical peers.” (01:27, Ash)

• Internalization of Criticism:

  • Children and adults with ADHD struggle to find concrete explanations for their differences.
  • They begin to take on the negative messages, believing “maybe this is just who we are.” (01:58, Ash)
  • Negative signals are far “bigger” and more persistent than positive ones; positive feedback often goes unnoticed or dismissed.

• Rejection Sensitivity Amplifies Things:
  Dusty points out:

  “...maybe someone expresses disapproval of us or disappointment with us, and then it gets refracted through the chamber of the rejection sensitivity in our hearts and it comes out the other end way louder and harder.” (02:38, Dusty)

Focusing Solely on Weaknesses, Discounting Strengths

• Ignoring the Easy Wins:
  People with ADHD often dismiss their areas of strength—especially if those strengths feel easy or come naturally.

  “If we're interested in something... it comes quite easily to us. And because it comes quite easily to us, there's some part of our brain that goes, ‘Okay, well, that doesn't count because it was easy.’” (03:11, Dusty)

  • ADHD adults may think only what they struggle for “counts” as real success.

• Building Life Around Strengths Feels Wrong:

  “It feels like cheating... must be doing something illegal, honestly. And it’s not because... it’s not easy for everyone, right?” (04:14, Dusty)

  • Recognizing that what comes easily may be highly valuable to others can be transformative.

The Complex Interplay of Self-Esteem, Self-Worth, and Relationships

• Self-Esteem vs. Self-Worth:
  Dusty differentiates:
  Self-esteem is linked to achievements, self-worth to inherent human value—but acknowledges they are deeply intertwined.

• Boundary Issues:

  • Persistent low self-worth leads to anxious attachments and difficulty setting boundaries.
  • Dusty shares a personal example of setting boundaries with an acquaintance who consistently asks for favors (06:25–08:47).

  “How can we stand up for ourselves when we don’t believe that we’re worth standing up for?” (08:54, Dusty)

• Invitation for Poor Treatment:
  If boundaries aren’t set, people who push boundaries will continue to do so, further eroding self-esteem.

ADHD’s Non-Linear Path to Growth

• Multiple Levers:
  Ash emphasizes:

  “Like most things with ADHD, we have to work on all of these things. And it's not necessarily always a linear process.” (09:19, Ash)

• Client Story (Recognizing Value at Work):

  • Ash describes a client in cybersecurity learning to see her work differently—valuing both her natural strengths and her energetic “peaks.”

  “If I only measure my productivity by my worst moments, of course I'm always going to feel like I'm not doing enough.” (12:31, Ash)
  “Perhaps it is okay that I have peaks and valleys.” (13:04, Ash)

• Comparison and Perfectionism:
  Even without outside criticism, feeling "not enough" is common.

Practical Strategies for Reframing Self-Perception

“Friendship Hack” for Self-Acceptance

• Exercise:
  Dusty gets clients to list loved ones, acknowledge those loved ones’ faults, then asks: Why do you love them despite imperfection?

  “So how come you don't think your friends are like that?... Are the people that are in your life your friends? Are they… judgmental people that are perfectionistic and holding you to this high, all-or-nothing standard?” (16:22, Dusty)

• Reflection:
  Flipping the script—If you love others despite flaws, maybe others extend the same grace to you.

• Risks of Insecurity:
  Excessive fear of rejection and neediness can ironically push healthy friends away.

Boundaries, Ownership, and “Yours, Mine, Ours”

• Clarifying Responsibility:
  Ash:

  “Someone else's expectation that I be on demand for them is not my stuff. And I don't have to make it my stuff. And it doesn't have to be a value judgment against me…” (23:17, Ash)

• Modeling Healthy Standards:

  • Ash explains how stating your own communication boundaries ("I don't expect people to be on demand") not only sets expectations but also models self-acceptance for others.

Retelling Your Story, Claiming Agency

• Owning Achievements:
  People with ADHD often credit luck or connections for their successes, dismissing their skills or role.
  Ash encourages clients to:
  • Break down the true sequence of events (e.g., being noticed for one’s talents, excelling in the job over years).
  • Put yourself “in the picture” (24:49, Ash).

Societal & Structural Influences

• Capitalism and Self-Worth:
  Dusty notes how adult value and self-esteem are often tied to career and productivity—metrics shaped by capitalism. When systemic barriers make traditional success harder, ADHD adults may feel even more "less than."

  “You can do all the right things and end up in a situation where you’re still not... as comfortable as maybe your parents were...” (27:00, Dusty)

The Power of Perspective

• Easy Relationships Teach Us Something:
  Dusty shares a powerful personal reflection:

  “I tell myself this story all the time that people don't like me. I don't have friends, yet here's a person that I literally have been friends with since high school... I have lots of people who love me. I have lots of relationships that are easy.” (30:02, Dusty)

• Allow Yourself to “Take a Bath” in Your Strengths:

  “I think you really need to turn to those and just allow yourself to, like, take a bath in all your strengths and all your love and all the things that are easy for you, because so often we're already doing it.” (31:18, Dusty)

• Coaching Is Perspective Work:

  “So often the most powerful shifts for clients are not necessarily in behavior, but in perspective.” (31:41, Ash)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “Repetitive negative messages over the course, course of a lifetime tend to stick with us, whereas we don't see the positive messages.” (01:55, Ash)
• “Only the things we have to work at count, and... those tend to be the things we're not good at because they're boring or hard. So we set ourselves up for this life where only the things that we suck at count.” (03:31, Dusty)
• “If you can get to a place where it’s okay for you to make a mistake... you can take accountability... At the same time, I don’t deserve terrible treatment just because I made a mistake.” (19:55, Dusty)
• “Where in my life is it already easy? Where do I have friends who already love me that I trust?” (29:14, Dusty)
• “We already have everything we need. We just kind of have to shift our mindset to realize it.” (31:24, Dusty)

Timestamps for Key Segments

• ADHD & Negative Messages — 01:20–03:00
• Strengths vs. Weaknesses Trap — 03:00–05:00
• Boundaries & Self-Worth — 06:00–09:00
• Reframing Work Performance & Peaks/Valleys — 09:20–13:10
• Shifting External Perceptions (Friendship Hack) — 15:43–21:14
• Setting Communication Boundaries — 21:14–24:07
• Retelling Your Accomplishments — 24:07–26:40
• Capitalism’s Role in Self-Esteem — 26:40–29:12
• Easy Friendships and Valuing Simplicity — 29:12–31:24
• Final Reflection: Coaching & Perspective — 31:41

Conclusion

Ash and Dusty emphasize that building self-esteem with ADHD isn’t just about racking up accomplishments or eliminating weakness—it’s about rethinking self-evaluation, allowing yourself compassion, and shifting your perspective. Recognizing your strengths, setting boundaries, re-authoring your own story, and acknowledging structural influences like capitalism are core to breaking out of the “one-down” mindset. Success, they argue, often means allowing what feels easy and natural to finally count—because it does.