Loading summary
Transcript15 lines
- [00:02]
A
Hi, I'm Ash. And I'm Dusty and this is Translating ADHD listeners. The next Translating ADHD live coaching demo for our Patreon subscribers will be Thursday, March 19th at 8pm Eastern Time with me. The last one was supposed to be with me, ended up being with Dusty. Thanks for pinch hitting for me there, Dusty. So again, next one Thursday, March 19th at 8pm Eastern Eastern. Also, I am still taking new clients, so if you are looking for ADHD coaching, please hit me up. And I do understand that the economy is tough right now, so I am offering sliding scale. If finances are something that are keeping you from ADHD coaching and we're otherwise a good fit, we can work something out. Hit me up, we'll talk about it. So Dusty, what are we talking about today?
- [00:53]
B
Today we are talking about fun as medicine. Yay.
- [00:58]
A
I love this topic. And I, I actually kind of want to kick us off because prior to hitting record, you were talking about this type of client who is chronically behind and refuses to carve out time for fun or won't allow themselves to carve out time for fun. And this made me think of a client I had years ago. This was when I was still mostly doing professional organizing. I was in coach training. I was doing some coaching with this client, but she was primarily an organizing client. And she said in a coaching session that just genuinely broke my heart. And that was that she felt like she wasn't allowed to leave her house until it was organized. And Dusty, by the way, this house was a lovely home. Like, did it have its little trouble spots of disorganization in the office and maybe some kitchen cabinets that were too full and some things that could be better? Yes. But this was not a place that was in complete or even partial disarray. And yet the this woman was just completely not allowing herself to live her life because she felt like she should be attending to this one thing. She should. Her house should be a certain way. And until she reached that marker, she wasn't allowed to do anything else. And that, that's just always really stuck with me. And that's a pattern I see time and time again in my clients. And one that I always, always call out when I'm seeing it.
- [02:32]
B
I feel like that was definitely me back in the day. Like in my early to mid 20s. It was just endless to do lists. Always feeling like my brain was always coming up with like, shoulds. Like, I think my brain was getting dopamine from like thinking about being organized or thinking about things that I could do that would make my life better. So. But then I would take those things as, like, obligations. I'd be like, okay, gotta do this, gotta do that. So endless crushing to do lists. But, like, struggling with just daily tasks, let alone getting to these things I thought I should be doing. And then always feeling behind, always feeling bad and so always feeling like, like, like I had to earn rest or fun and like I didn't deserve it. And I see this in a lot of clients is just this idea that, oh, I'll have fun when I get to the end of my to do list. Like, I'll allow myself to do this thing that is fun when I get to the end of. Of all my things I'm backlogged on. Years could go by, Your whole life could go by. I've worked with people who have spent decades trying to get out from under their to do list. And it's tragic. Like, in all, all those years have passed by, you can't get them back and you didn't enjoy them. Maybe you didn't even remember them because of them were about like, just being present and like enjoying your life. And at some point you have to enjoy your life like it is what it is, whether it's the life you want or not. If you don't enjoy it, it's just gonna keep going, right? And, and it's. The more, the more salient thing here is it's not changing anything. There is no end to the to do list. But what I realized, Ash, is that, like, I had it backwards, right? It's not like if a to do list is your dinner and then fun is your dessert that you like, eat your dinner and then maybe you get dessert. It's like with, with adhd, like, we have to eat our dessert first to like, be hungry for dinner, right? I realized that actually, like doing the fun thing first, putting fun at the beginning of the day, proactively making time for fun and, and get like filling my tank, actually gave me the wherewithal and the executive function to then tackle the to do list. And, and the to do list never ends. So if you don't make the time for fun, it's never going to come. But really fun. The reason I say that fun is medicine is because fun, fun and joy, especially for an ADHD brain, creates capacity that's worth repeating.
- [04:36]
A
So I'm going to repeat it. Fun and joy with ADHD create capacity. Dusty, in my coaching relationships, 99% of the time, I like our first coaching topic to be in the realm of self care and When I say self care, what I really mean is something that puts something back in the tank for you. Because clients are coming to a coaching engagement with all of their shoulds and all of their guilt and all of their shame. So let's A, take a topic that's completely disconnected from that, but B, also look for something that's going to enable you down the road to tackle some of this should, some of the harder stuff, some of the yucky stuff that you're bringing to the table. Because we're starting with what's going to put some energy, some bandwidth, some, Some ability to eng back in the tank for you.
- [05:35]
B
Yeah. And I, I think that investing in the things that, the little things that make life feel splendid, joyful, whimsical, they are not, they're not like extras, they're not superfluous. They actually like when I say they create capacity. I'll give you a really small, simple example. For years, like, both my parents have osteoarthritis or osteoporosis, can't remember which, but like, bone stuff, right? And so growing up, I was always worried about my bones also because I never like, I don't like milk, I never drank milk. So I was always like, oh, I probably have weak bones. So in my early 20s, I was like, I should take calcium. But the calcium pills are like really big. They come in, they're hard to swallow. They come in this big ugly, like black and green jug. And I tried everything to get myself to take calcium on a daily basis. I would split up the dose. I would put it in different rooms of the house. I would like put it right out in front of my face and I would always, like, just avoid it. And then one day I was at this like little yard sale and I found this like little tiny silver, like sterling silver sugar dish with like a tiny little spoon. And I just bought it on a whim and brought it home because I was like, oh, this is cute. And it was sitting around my house. I had nothing to do with it. I'm like, why did I buy this? There's no purpose to it. And randomly one day I found it and I just like had this idea to put the calcium pills in the little silver dish. And then I put that in my bathroom because it had a little lid so it would keep the moisture out. And then I put it next to the sink. So every time I went in the bathroom, first of all, my eye would catch it, I would notice it because, like, ADHD brain, shiny crow brain, right? Like, oh, Shiny thing. So I'd see this shiny, silver, beautiful little thing that was, like, very, like, Victorian and royal. And then when I would lift the lid, it would make this very pleasant little, like, ringing, like, ting sound. And then inside, all my little calcium pills, like, they look like candy, right? So then I, like, wanted to. So then, like, the act of, like, taking a little calcium pill out and, like, having it felt like a treat. Whereas before, it felt like, oh, I gotta do this thing or I'm gonna break my bones when I'm old. Like, felt like an obligation. So now I wanted to. I genuinely wanted to, like, take these vitamins just by changing the receptacle that they were in and the little ritual that went along with it. And so that it hit me then that, like, the more I can make my life aesthetic and cute, the more I can, like, buy the cute little thing that I want to interact with or, like, put some glitter on something, the more that I can make something. Can I play a fun song while I do it? There's very small ways that I can enhance my daily tasks that will actually cause my ADHD brain to want to do this thing. And I really think this is where I see a lot of clients getting it backwards, too, is that we get stuck in, like, shame and obligation, and we add a lot of weight to tasks. So I know Brendan Mehan's book is coming out this year. It's coming out soon, the Wall of Awful. And y', all. Anybody listening to this? If you don't know about the Wall of Awful, go watch a YouTube video about it. Google Wall of Awful on YouTube. How to ADHD. Brennan Mahan, he's got a great book coming out about it. And basically my understanding of this concept is the Wall of Awful is, like, when we have to do something that already feels hard for us, executive function wise, just for some reason, will add weight to the task. We'll build up this huge wall, like, the shoulds, the shame, the past, like, and then the longer the task hasn't been done, there's like, this feeling of, oh, my God, it's going to be so hard. And sooner or later, the only way to get to the other side of that task is to do what Brendan calls, like, Hulk smashing, right? Like, you build up so much adrenaline, you beat yourself up enough that you get into what Cam calls the adrenaline response cycle, or, like, riding the adrenaline pony, I think he called it, or something. Riding the. Was that riding the adrenaline horse? Is that what it is?
- [09:02]
A
I think so. The adrenaline response cycle is definitely Correct the metaphor. I don't know that I'm 100% remembering it, but that sounds right. That sounds like. I would say the adrenaline pony. Sounds like. Sounds like a chemism.
- [09:16]
B
Anyway, so you Hulk smash your way to the other side of the wall, but at what cost? And if you like it, it wears you down, and people get into adrenal fatigue, and then they get into burnout. And certainly, like, it just makes the next wall bigger. Right? The thing is, our brains like anything that is fun. Our brains like things that are novel. I say this to clients all the time. The ADHD part of your brain is basically like a toddler. Like, the way that you would manage a toddler. Same thing. Like, it needs a lot of breaks. It needs a lot of play. It needs a lot of silliness. Oh, you don't want to eat your broccoli. Oh, I'm a dinosaur eating a tree. Like, let's pretend we're dinosaurs eating trees. It sounds so dumb. But, like, if it would work for a toddler, like, it will work for your adhd. And so the more I think we can lean into making things like silly, funny, like fun, playful, then our brains want to do them. Because I feel like the ADHD brain, it's chronically understimulated. It needs stimulation. And fun is very stimulating. Play is very stimulating. And if we're not giving it that kind of stimulation, the. The need for stimulation doesn't go away. It just tends to go to, like, a negative place. And we'll see a lot of people with ADC who have, like, a negativity bias. They're always beating themselves up, and they think that it's true. They think that they're having this negativity bias because they're the worst person in the world. But what I see is that they've just become almost, like, addicted to meeting their own need for stimulation by emotionally dysregulating themselves, by beating themselves up because they don't know how to get the peak level of stimulation that their brain needs to do the task in another way. But fun and playfulness and silliness can do that. Our brains like that naturally. So work with it.
- [10:50]
A
Dusty, I love your story about the calcium pills in the sugar bowl. And I. I just want to call it for listeners that aesthetics are how dusty makes it fun. That may not be how you make it fun for me. Putting on some music or putting on. Actually, I really like to watch live streams, right? Like, video game streams. So putting on a stream in the background, if I'm doing something boring so that I can, I can engage with that. That's how I make it fun. Making something glittery would do absolutely nothing for my brain. So there is, there is a bit of your conte matters here. But the moral of that story being we can make the boring things or the hard things fun. That's one way we can look to engage with them. But let's kind of bring it back to making space for pure fun. And I want to start by talking about what happens when we don't do that. In addition to burnout depletion. We're not putting anything back in the tank that time does end up going somewhere and it ends up going to a place. I really like this term. It was coined by the blog. Wait, but why in an article about procrastination. The dark playground. The dark playground is your doom scrolling place, is your endless YouTube videos that you don't care about. Places wherever you tend to go where you're not really enjoying what you're doing. You're not doing what you, what you think you should or ought to do. You're not allowing yourself to have fun either. So instead you're in this, in this weird middle place. And for a lot of my clients in the modern day, that, that tends to look like some form of scrolling, some form of, of social media scrolling, app scrolling. Just losing hours to this activity that, that is neither productive or constructive just does nothing for us. But because we can't engage with the should and we're not allowing ourselves to engage with the fun, we end up in this yucky, yucky bad place, this dark playground that is neither of those things that serves us in no way.
- [13:04]
B
Yeah, exactly. And, and I think like there's, there's sort of two aspects to this. You just need fun, you need joy. For a couple different reasons. One, like you only have one life. I mean, I guess depending on your beliefs. Again, with ADHD we already lose time because it's hard enough to be present. So like years can go by where we're just beating ourselves up trying to get out from this endless to do list. And like that's your life, right? I think it's really hard for a lot of people with ADHD to, to do that grieving process and to accept like it's not that I just like haven't gotten there yet and like next year, next month, next week, I'm just gonna be this different person and eventually I'm gonna arrive at this other shore where I'm this like perfect version of myself. That I always see in my head and can never quite get to. And so there's this waiting mode that we're all in waiting mode. We're not living our real lives till we get to that idealized vers ourselves. You got to let go of that, right? You got to be like, this is my life here today. There's some things I don't like about it, there's some things I'm not happy about. But you have to find, like, what you are happy about and what you do like about it so that you can enjoy it while you have it, right? So there's something here about being present and just getting some quality out of, like, what exists for the sake of it. But there's also this idea of like, moral worth, right? That like, fun is something you have to earn, fun is something you don't deserve, right? And we have to take the Casey Davis approach of like, fun is morally neutral. You don't need to have done. You don't need to be a good person, you don't need to be a productive person, you don't need to be a tidy person to deserve fun and joy in your life. I think we really have to wrap our brains around this idea that fun is something that is our inherent birthright. Enjoyment of life is something that's our inherent birthright. And then the third thing is that creating more space for rest and for fun increases your capacity. In a general sense, I like to use fun as the conduit to be productive. So, like, I will if I can't get something done or I'm avoiding a task or a task feels hard or boring, if I can think of a way to make it silly, fun or whimsical, I lower the barrier to entry to that task. And it's much more likely that I'll get the task done more easily. So fun in one sense is like a tool for me to work with my adhd. But in general, like, you gotta be having some fun and some rest in so that you can like just have capacity for life every day. And I found this structure ash that I really like because for me, I have a lot of clients who are like so deeply in burnout and they're so behind that even thinking about fun feels like work for them. Like, it feels heavy and hard. And so I found this framework that I really like that says it's called like the four Cs of fun. And it breaks it into create, consume, cavort and commune. So create. Obviously, like, so there's different styles of Fun, basically, right? Create is you're outputting. You're creating something. So it's outputting imagination. Maybe it's food, maybe it's music. Maybe it's starting a organization with your friends. Whatever, you're creating something. Maybe it's tidying and decorating your room. Consume is intaking, right? It's your scrolling, it's your show watching, it's your playing video games, it's your eating tasty foods. Whatever it is, right? It's is the intaking, outputting and intaking. Commune is your social connection, right? You're connecting to others, whatever that looks like for you, whether you're an introvert or extrovert, feeling connected and then cavort is like just like your joyful romping. Like you're playing. Like at some point we just need, like, we call this when we talk about kids, like, unstructured play, because they also talk about there's different kinds of play for kids. There's like digital play, there's like imaginative play. There's this kind of play, there's that kind of play. One of our kinds of play with kids is just like unstructured play, right? It's like when I'm just ticking, tickling my daughter, and just, like being silly, and she wants me to pick her up and throw her onto the couch. It's not. It's not hide and go seek. It's not let's play spies. It's just like free play in the moment. And we have to have that with ourselves as adults, too. It's our dance parties. It's, you know, it's playing kick the can with your friends. It's, you know, I think cavorting as an adult is quite hard. Like, we kind of lose that ability and we don't get that many options. It's. It's romping in a field, right? When's the last time y' all rolled down a hill? I challenge you. Most of you are in winter climates, okay? Maybe if you got some snow, go cavort in the snow. Like, just go cavort. Just go make a snow angel. Just for like five minutes. But, like, when the weather's better, y' all try rolling down a hill. That shit is therapeutic. Pardon my French. And so we need these different kinds of play. And I think if you're kind of burned out, it can be hard, but you can start with whichever one feels accessible and build towards the others. And I want to kind of just. I don't want to cram too many topics in at once, but I want to just shift gears and say another thing that I see happening with clients, and this also happens with myself. I don't know if you feel like this happens for you. Ash is like, sometimes there's like, big F fun, where we think of, like, fun as our hobbies or the things that we are supposed to like to do, like painting or playing some board game or making music, for example. For me, it's like riding my bike, but it feels boring and hard when you think about it. So I. I find this phenomenon with clients where when they think about something they know should be fun, it doesn't feel fun. Like, it doesn't resonate. It's like there's no dopamine in their brain, so there's no motivation. So when they think about it, it's just like. It just feels like another chore. This happens to me too. Just so you guys know. And I do sometimes think. I don't want to say we have to force ourselves, but we. We might need, like, a structured tool or approach to get ourselves to the other side of starting the task. Because what I found is it is very often it's not that the thing that you think is fun is actually tiring and a chore and you're not going to enjoy it. That is the feeling of, like, executive dysfunction. That's the feeling of a task initiation issue to. It's literally just your brain doesn't know how to gear up to do the task. So if you can find a way to get to the other side of the task, often on one side of the task of having fun riding your bike, whatever it is, you're like, ugh, this isn't going to feel fun. This is going to suck. If you can get yourself to do it. So often once you start doing it, you're like, yay, this is awesome. I'm having a great time. I'm so glad I did this. But will not do it time and time again, because when we think about doing it, it will. It feels hard. So it's like an investment. And we do have to get ourselves through the task initiation issue, but it pays really big dividends. So I think it's in your coaching practice. Clients. With adhd, it's really important to invest in having a strategy and a structure to get yourself to engage with the fun thing, even if it doesn't feel fun or feels hard. Because once you get to the other side of doing it, you'll be like, oh, my God, I'm having so much more quality of life here, Dusty.
- [19:30]
A
That is, that is such a challenge for our clients and for ourselves as well. That engaging with the fun thing, ADHD makes that challenging. Something that has worked for some of my clients. One of two things, depending upon the client. For some clients, setting out options in advance. So I want to carve out this time in the morning for me. Time right for, for whatever that looks like. And rather than, rather than hard committing. We talked about this a little bit when we talked about routines. Rather than hard committing to. That means I'm gonna meditate and I'm gonna do this and I'm gonna do that and I'm gonna take these steps every day. Setting out options and allowing themselves to, to, to go with whatever feels good in that moment. However, that doesn't work for every client. So I have some clients for whom sort of the opposite thing works. This notion of pre deciding. So I was just coaching a client about. She was trying to break this habit of getting into information overload too early in the day. She, she actually loves to research stuff. She can get really nerdy about it. A lot of her hobbies involve extensive research. She's into like DIY hair care and so there's just like endless rabbit holes. You can go down there. She also really enjoys informational podcasts. But she was noticing that if she starts her weekend day there, it just. She loses hours because there's no structure and then she feels depleted. It's not helpful for her. She wanted to start somewhere else. And where she wanted to start was with playing the piano. And so the rest of our coaching session was around. How do you sort of remind your brain first thing in the morning that you've already decided that what you're going to do is sit down at the piano for a client that wanted to walk her dogs first thing in the morning and that was meeting some needs of like nature and fresh air, quiet time, sunshine. Like this was. This was definitely in the realm of fun for her, but felt really hard laying out her clothes the night before. Making. Making the process of getting out of bed and into her dog walking clothes just is easy as possible. And again, leaving that signal that I've already decided this. I just have to do it at this point. So again that, that notion. The, the concept here is pre deciding. Like I've decided this is what I'm going to do and I've set myself up to do it at this time. So now all I have to do is do it. I don't, I don't have to decide. I don't have to Activate for. I've already laid out the things, I've already set up the materials. It kind of, it kind of removes that ability for some of my clients to, to get in their own way, if that makes sense.
- [22:24]
B
Yeah, honestly, I could talk about this all day because there is, there's like something we didn't even broach here is the issue of like impulsively being in the mood to do something but then not being set up to do it. Like, oh, I'm in the mood to paint, but like, I don't know where my paints are and my like paint station is all messy and like, so now, now I'm, I'm suddenly in the mood to have fun. Like, that's what I want right now. But there's like about six or seven steps. Steps because I'm very disorganized and I never clean up after myself, blah, blah, blah. And then for me, when that happens, by the time I get to the painting, I'm too tired and then I'm frustrated and then I'm angry and something that was like a really wonderful feeling, like, wow, I'm inspired to paint a picture of an apple gets like twisted and turned into like this absolute bitterness that I had to use up that energy cleaning and getting set up and now I don't even want to anymore. So there's, there's a whole other, I think, like topic here around, like making the stars align. I made a TikTok about this where I said you can make the stars, like, you can actually prepare to make the stars align. The whole other topic. But. But that's it. I, I'm a big fan of the pre deciding because I also get really overwhelmed with options. And I think even having a list of options is a kind of pre deciding. So what you're talking about I've heard discussed as what's called like a dopa menu. Because sometimes we're in the mood to have fun or we, we have time to have fun, but then we're like, like, what do I like to do? And there's this kind of overwhelm where suddenly you can't even think of what the options are. Right? But of course, when you can't do it, then you're like, oh, I should do this, I should do that. Oh my God, it'd be so fun if I did this. It would be so fun if I did that. So if that's like you listeners, it's good to have what's called a dopamine. What is that? Hang on a second. Something's there's an alarm going off. It's a smoke alarm. What is happening? One second. Whoopsie doodles. I was sterilizing some stuff on the stove and I thought I had turned it off, but I left it on so the water had boiled away. And. Yes. Okay, so like a dopa menu, right? Like you write it down when you think of it, but then you don't want a million options. You want a limited number of options, just like a menu has. And then that can make it a little easier with overwhelm. So that's like one way to do it. And then the other thing you were talking about, Ash, for me, like, it's often weirdly helpful to just pre decide in specific. Like, I'm going to listen to this album or I'm going to read this book so I don't have to like, make choices because I'm like, I don't know. It's like, oh, it's already been decided for me. This is the book I'm reading right now. And. And this kind of brings me to a topic that I think is really important that I realized. We come up with all these ideas for like, how to create structure so that we'll actually do the thing we need to do. And like, you can do that for your fun and your hobbies and your social connections. And it's not weird, right? Like, if you need to have some sort of system or structure to like, okay, every Wednesday night from 5 to 6, I do diamond. Diamond painting, right? Like you have all these diamond painting kits. You never open them. You. You keep thinking you'll get around to it, you want to, but you never choose it over video games. Okay, so just arbitrarily decide that Wednesday night is diamond kit time or something. Or like pull one of the diamond kits out and be like, I'm not starting a new video game till I finish this one. And it'll. It sounds like I'm making it feel like a chore, but honestly that's how I get myself to actually do my craft hobbies, which I don't do a lot of, is like, I make it like a task, but then I'll actually do it. But you can also do this with different kinds of fun and social time. Like you can have like a kind of a. You can gamify and create a roster out of like messaging your friends or phoning your friends or like finding different ways to engage socially. All I'm saying is that, like, I think it's a really revolutionary idea for a lot of people that they can bring this idea of structure and systems to, like, hobbies, fun, social stuff. But if you never get around to hobbies, fun and social stuff, then using a system just like you would for getting yourself to clean your house, like a schedule or a, you know, whatever, like it, it tracks and it, and it, and it works.
- [26:02]
A
Dusty, I think there's more to say here. And I, I think maybe next week we, we go to that topic of preparing to, to make the stars align, because that's so relevant to what we're talking about here. And it sounds like you've got tons more you could say on that topic.
- [26:19]
B
I do.
- [26:20]
A
All right. But for this week, we are out of time. So, listeners, until next week, I'm Ash. And I'm Dusty, and this was the Translating ADHD podcast. Thanks for listening.