Podcast Summary: Translating ADHD
Episode: Radical Candor and Honesty: Navigating Communication with ADHD
Hosts: Asher Collins and Dusty Chipura
Date: May 5, 2025
Overview
This episode explores the complex relationship people with ADHD have with honesty, bluntness, and effective communication. Asher and Dusty—both ADHD coaches with personal and professional insight—discuss why honesty can be both a superpower and a stumbling block for adults with ADHD. Drawing from coaching literature and personal anecdotes, they delve into why ADHD brains can default to too much candor or emotional reactivity, how nuance and empathy can be built, and practical ways those with ADHD can better advocate for their communication needs in relationships and at work.
Key Discussion Points and Insights
1. The Double-Edged Sword of Honesty with ADHD
- ADHD and Impulsivity: ADHDers often "blurt out" thoughts due to a rapid thought-to-action pipeline, sometimes leading to over-sharing or bluntness.
- Dusty (00:36): “We don’t have a filter because by the time we think it, we’re blurting it. Sometimes holding back makes us feel inauthentic.”
- Examples of Over-Explaining: Whether making excuses, explaining absences, or attempting kindness in difficult conversations (like breakups), too much honesty or context can backfire.
- Dusty (01:36): “Over-explaining is one aspect... Adding too much context can make the situation worse.”
- Bluntness Can Sting: Directness, especially when unfiltered, may unintentionally hurt others' feelings when social nuance isn’t considered.
2. Honesty in Neurodivergent vs. Neurotypical Communication
- Double Neurodivergence: The hosts discuss family scenarios where both parties are neurodivergent, highlighting how each may have conflicting communication needs.
- Dusty (03:41): Describes a tense interaction with her neurodivergent dad, leading to a harsh, emotionally charged remark.
- Emotion-Driven Responses: Emotional overwhelm can lead to honesty that lacks nuance or context, sometimes resulting in regret or escalated conflict.
- Asher (04:49): “When we’re in that emotional brain, honesty kind of disappears… We’re only reacting to that emotion.”
- Masking and ‘Fixing Your Face’: ADHDers often struggle with concealing their feelings (e.g., feigning friendliness when upset), making typical office politics or social masking feel “effortful to torture.”
- Asher (06:26): “If I have strong feelings...I am very not good at hiding that. And...it feels dishonest.”
3. Coaching, Radical Candor, and ‘Ruinous Empathy’
- Coaching Neutrality vs. Bluntness: In coaching, hosts strive for neutrality and detachment from outcomes, allowing honest but supportive feedback.
- Asher (09:49): “Coaching is a different space… Detaching from outcome is an important coaching tenet.”
- Radical Candor: Introduced as a “Goldilocks zone” for feedback: directness balanced with empathy. Over-empathizing—'ruinous empathy'—can be as problematic as bluntness.
- Dusty (14:21): “Ruinous empathy is where you overly empathize… too hard to say the hard thing, which can be disastrous in the workplace.”
- Asher (47:13): “If you are my friend, we have radical candor between us… I trust that you can say the thing that needs to be said.”
- Rejection Sensitivity: ADHDers may crave honest feedback but are also extremely sensitive to criticism, leading to tension in both receiving and delivering honesty.
- Dusty (15:37): “I’m really super duper sensitive to the slightest amount of criticism because I don’t trust that people will be honest with me.”
4. The Relief and Value of Direct Feedback
- Avoiding the “Fantasy Bubble”: Not getting timely, honest feedback can leave ADHDers with a false sense of how they’re seen, which can be “devastating” when the truth comes out too late.
- Asher (17:29): “I’ve had times where I thought things were one way, then found out too little too late.”
- Learning to Appreciate—and Give—Directness: Both hosts share stories where their own blunt honesty was ultimately welcomed and helpful by others, despite initial discomfort.
- Dusty (19:34): Tells stories about honest feedback for a friend and a roommate, both of which led to positive outcomes.
- Praise and Positive Candor: ADHDers thrive on positive, specific feedback as much as (or more than) correction; both need to be direct and contextual.
- Dusty (25:47): “People with ADHD respond better to praise than criticism… we have to train ourselves to notice and praise.”
5. Empathy, Emotional Sharing, and Relationship Building
- Expressing Positive Honesty: Heartfelt, effusive honesty—especially in friendship or after “a couple drinks”—is a recurring, bonding trait for both hosts.
- Asher (29:04): “I start telling you how much I love you and all the cool things about you.”
- Dusty (29:28): “Exactly the same… You just start telling everyone how much you love them.”
- Honesty as Context, not Validation: When in a healthy place, praise and feedback are about calibrating context, not seeking validation.
- Asher (31:39): “When we’re in a healthy place... it's not about validation. What it is about is context... Knowing how my work is perceived.”
6. Advocacy, Boundaries, and Growth
- Advocating for Directness: Learning which areas of life you want or need direct feedback on (e.g., fashion, post-social self-monitoring) helps manage sensitivity and supports personal growth.
- Dusty (36:10): “If you can get a sense of where you appreciate directness and bluntness, you can start to advocate for that.”
- Learning When—and How—to Hold Back: Distinguishing between radical candor and “obnoxious aggression,” and practicing soft skills for withholding or filtering when appropriate.
- Justice Sensitivity and Integrity: ADHDers are often compelled to “be the one to say the hard thing” out of justice sensitivity and past experiences of being left out or misread.
Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments
- On Over-Explaining:
- “Sometimes adding too much context makes the situation worse.”
— Dusty, 01:36
- “Sometimes adding too much context makes the situation worse.”
- On Emotional Honesty:
- “When we’re in that emotional brain, honesty kind of disappears… We get tunnel vision.”
— Asher, 04:49
- “When we’re in that emotional brain, honesty kind of disappears… We get tunnel vision.”
- On Bluntness in ADHD:
- “Honesty without nuance... it's honestly how you feel in that second, but you can't access all the other information.”
— Dusty, 08:03
- “Honesty without nuance... it's honestly how you feel in that second, but you can't access all the other information.”
- On Coaching and Neutrality:
- “If something isn’t working in the coaching relationship, that’s an opportunity for me to get curious and to co-create around that topic.”
— Asher, 10:37
- “If something isn’t working in the coaching relationship, that’s an opportunity for me to get curious and to co-create around that topic.”
- On Radical Candor:
- “Sometimes caring looks like saying the really harsh thing, right?”
— Dusty, 14:21
- “Sometimes caring looks like saying the really harsh thing, right?”
- On Context vs. Validation:
- “When we’re in a healthy place... it's not about validation. What it is about is context—knowing how my work is being perceived by others.”
— Asher, 31:39
- “When we’re in a healthy place... it's not about validation. What it is about is context—knowing how my work is being perceived by others.”
- On Heartfelt Emotional Honesty:
- “When Asher’s a little drunk because the I love you band starts.”
— Asher, 29:04
- “When Asher’s a little drunk because the I love you band starts.”
- On Advocacy and Boundaries:
- “If you can get a sense of where you appreciate directness and bluntness, you can start to advocate for that.”
— Dusty, 36:10
- “If you can get a sense of where you appreciate directness and bluntness, you can start to advocate for that.”
- On the Need for Candor and Context:
- “So many of our relationships are built on radical candor… I know any one of my friends, I can ask an honest question for feedback and get an honest answer.”
— Asher, 33:31
- “So many of our relationships are built on radical candor… I know any one of my friends, I can ask an honest question for feedback and get an honest answer.”
Important Timestamps
- 00:31 – Why honesty and communication are challenging for ADHDers
- 01:36 – Over-explaining and bluntness problems
- 03:41 – Neurodivergent-to-neurodivergent communication anecdotes
- 04:49 – Emotional honesty and regrets
- 09:49 – How coaching environments handle honesty
- 14:21 – Radical Candor and ruinous empathy explained
- 19:34 – Real-life stories of helpful blunt honesty
- 25:47 – The importance of praise and positive feedback
- 29:04 – Memorable “I love you” moments as heartfelt honesty
- 31:39 – The critical need for context, not just validation
- 36:10 – Advocating for honesty and working on communication as an ADHDer
Conclusion: Takeaways for Listeners
- Honesty for ADHDers is complex: it offers power for authenticity and connection, but can be volatile if unchecked by empathy or context.
- Radical Candor—a balance of care and directness—yields the best results in work, coaching, and relationships.
- Self-awareness is key: know where candor is needed and where sensitivity is warranted for yourself and others.
- ADHDers thrive with direct, positive feedback and can learn to both advocate for candor and practice withholding when it’s beneficial.
- The hosts plan to continue discussing communication strategies in future episodes.
For anyone with ADHD navigating careers, relationships, or personal growth, this episode offers practical wisdom and authentic perspective on the transformative potential—and pitfalls—of radical honesty.