Podcast Summary

Podcast: Translating ADHD
Episode: When Help Misses the Mark: Finding Effective Support for ADHD Challenges
Hosts: Asher Collins (Ash) & Dusty Chipura
Date: May 26, 2025

Episode Overview

This episode explores the common and complex experience of seeking support as an adult with ADHD, particularly when well-meaning help or workplace accommodations miss the mark. Ash and Dusty, both ADHD coaches and neurodivergent themselves, unpick what makes certain supports or accountability structures work (or not), how past negative experiences can color future help-seeking, and what it takes to advocate effectively for the right type of assistance in work and life.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Challenge of Receiving the Right Support (00:12-03:47)

• Asking for support isn’t simple: Many people with ADHD struggle to ask for the help they need, only to find that the “help” they receive isn’t actually useful, or even ends up being frustrating.
• Dependence on others’ willingness: As Dusty paraphrases Dr. Russell Barkley, "the efficacy of any accommodation is like based on... the willingness of the people around us to implement it" (00:27).
• Examples from real life:
  • Neurotypical friends may be uncomfortable with direct forms of accountability (e.g., “call and tell me to brush my teeth”) which work for ADHD brains.
  • Sometimes a requested accommodation is misunderstood or not delivered fully (one-off check-ins instead of ongoing support).
• Professional services: Dusty shares about services like “work sitter”—paid professional “babysitting” for tasks—which can provide exactly the kind of support sometimes needed.

2. The Impact of Negative or Misaligned Support (03:47-07:58)

• Language and stigma: “I’m not your babysitter” can feel harsh and invalidating (03:47), especially for those early in their ADHD journey.
• Internalized shame: Negative feedback can cause people to avoid future help or accommodations, carrying forward the belief that their needs are unreasonable.
• Workplace obstacles: Even in neurodivergent-affirming environments, people may “build facades” and avoid honesty due to past conditioning, failing to utilize the support really available.
  • Notable quote:

    “This behavior of facade building, of throwing up the facade, not building the house...” (05:58, Ash)

3. Common Situations Where Help Misses the Mark (07:58-12:13)

• Enthusiastic but ineffective help: Well-meaning family or friends often design a solution (like a meal plan) without asking what really helps, resulting in frustration on both sides.
• Accountability blind spots: Relying on other ADHD folks for accountability doesn’t always work unless both are aware of their needs and have tools (e.g., through coaching).
• Consistency and coaching: Personal experiences show how having regular, supportive check-ins (with a trainer, assistant, or coach) create more success and consistency for ADHD individuals.

4. Learning from Failed Support: Curiosity Over Frustration (12:13-20:00)

• Getting curious when support fails: Instead of feeling shame or guilt, investigate why certain supports don’t work.
  • Notable quote:

    “When you have access to support and that support is not working, is to get really curious about why not and what is the thread you can pull on to move this forward in a different way.” (17:35, Ash)

• Customizing support: Examples—Ash finds “body doubling” (working alongside someone) unhelpful unless it’s hands-on or interactive. Solutions must be tailored, not assumed.
• Support can be lost or change unexpectedly: The sudden removal of effective support can be devastating, underscoring the need to value and nurture good support relationships.

5. Advocating for Your Needs and the Value of the “Why” (20:00-24:12)

• Don’t be discouraged: The takeaway isn't doom-and-gloom; effective support is possible.
• Explaining the ‘why’ to helpers: Even if someone doesn’t fully “get it,” explaining why you need a particular kind of support can help them provide it—or help you evaluate if they’re the right person.
• Knowing your sticking points: Dusty describes needing someone to “figure things out” rather than just perform tasks. Others may find decision points or initial steps to be the primary obstacle.

6. Co-Creating Ongoing Support (24:12-30:43)

• Dialogue over direction: Maintain conversations about what ongoing support looks like, especially as needs change. Co-create solutions instead of assuming readiness for independence.
  • Quote (Ash):

    “I am really careful to never tell a client they don’t need me anymore because I did that once and the client got really, really upset. That was a huge learning moment for me.” (24:26)

• Supportive relationships are valuable: Whether it’s a coach, a tattoo artist, or a neighbor with gardening advice, finding people who truly “get it” and are willing to help in the way you need is priceless.

7. Unconventional Support and Professional “Task Guidance” (30:43-34:39)

• Wholesale support culture: You can often hire someone for micro-supports, like consultations for plants or birds, and it can be worth paying for exactly what you need, rather than sifting through generic advice.
• “Just tell me what to do”: Sometimes, decision fatigue and paralysis mean individuals simply need someone to tell them the next step—no options, just an answer.
  • Memorable story:

    “Tell me whether or not... Just tell me what to do. Should I throw these away?” (33:46, Dusty)

Notable Quotes & Anecdotes (With Timestamps)

• The “Babysitter” Problem
  Dusty: “It ended really poorly. Basically ended with that person being like, well, I’m not your babysitter. Which is hilarious because there are actual services geared at neurodivergent people... where it is literally exactly that.” (01:51)

• Shame and Asking for Support
  Ash: “For one of our clients who’s early in this process... that can be the kind of thing we carry forward with us and let inform future interactions.” (04:13)

• Learning from “Failed” Support
  Ash: “The opportunity there is to get curious about why it didn’t work.” (12:54)

• Decision Fatigue Example
  Dusty: “They were like, just tell me whether or not. Tell me what to do. Should I throw these away? ...I was like, throw it away.” (33:50)

• Being Upfront About Following Up
  Dusty: “Let me just, like, give you a magical phrase, which is, hey, I’m just saying this because you asked me for it, right?” (36:51)

Tips from the Hosts

• If you’re being asked to help:
  • Use explicit language: “You asked me to remind you, so I’m doing that now.”
  • Keep following up if asked, and clearly communicate boundaries if the person’s needs or your comfort level change.
• If you need help:
  • Communicate specifically what you need, and why.
  • Don’t be afraid to pay for exactly the support you require if informal support isn’t available.
  • When you find someone who supports you well, value that relationship.
• If you give up seeking support after bad experiences:
  • Consider that the failure was likely about fit, not about your worthiness or the legitimacy of your need.

Key Takeaways

• The right support for ADHD is highly individual and often very specific.
• Many people and systems default to providing support based on what would help them—which can miss the mark entirely for neurodivergent brains.
• Effective support often relies on willingness, understanding, and explicit communication between both parties.
• When you find someone capable of giving you the exact support you need (and in the right spirit), it’s worth holding onto and valuing that relationship.

Episode Highlights: Timestamps

• [00:12] — Framing the episode: The difficulty of finding effective support
• [01:20-02:30] — Examples when "help" doesn't fit ADHD needs
• [03:47-05:58] — Harsh language and impact on self-confidence
• [07:58-09:45] — Enthusiastic but misaligned attempts at support
• [12:13-15:30] — Learning from failed supports, body doubling doesn’t always work
• [20:00-24:12] — Advocating for your “why” in support
• [30:43-34:39] — Hiring out specialized or micro-support (consultations, decision delegation)
• [36:44-37:28] — Simple scripts for following up, managing mutual accountability

Final Note:
This episode is an honest, practical look at the nuances of support for adults with ADHD—from the awkwardness and disappointment to the life-changing magic of finding the right help. Listeners walk away with empathy, new scripts, and encouragement to keep advocating for the support that truly moves the needle.