Podcast Summary: Translating ADHD
Episode: Yours, Mine, Ours: A Simple Framework for ADHD Relationships
Hosts: Asher Collins and Dusty Chipura
Date: October 27, 2025

Overview

In this episode, Ash and Dusty introduce and explore the "Yours, Mine, Ours" model—an interpersonal framework Ash developed through ADHD coaching. The conversation focuses on how distinguishing responsibility in relationships can break cycles of blame, foster agency, and create more effective communication, especially for adults with ADHD who may habitually over-assume blame in conflicts. The framework is especially relevant in workplace, family, and romantic relationships where ADHD dynamics play a pivotal role.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

What is the "Yours, Mine, Ours" Model? (00:55)

• Developed by Ash for coaching scenarios involving interpersonal dilemmas.
• Addresses the ADHD tendency to "blame sponge": over-assuming fault in conflicts due to a history of missed expectations.
• The model breaks down dilemmas into three components:
  • Yours: What belongs to you—your actions, feelings, and responsibilities.
  • Mine: What belongs to the other party.
  • Ours: The shared space; what can be co-created or collaboratively addressed.
• Sometimes, there is no "ours," and that's important to recognize for agency and healthy detachment.

Memorable Quote

"One of the things that this model helps us do is distinguish what's mine and what's not mine in this situation."
— Ash (01:34)

Workplace Example of the Model in Practice (02:35)

• Ash shares a real coaching example: two business partners, both with ADHD but with different challenges.
  • One partner excels at deadlines; the other struggles.
  • The "yours, mine, ours" model helped one partner focus on her own agency rather than trying to "fix" her colleague.
  • When collaboration isn’t possible because of the other’s challenges, the partner learned to detach and focus on her own growth and opportunities.

Notable Moment

"Her opportunity in that moment is to detach from that because there’s nothing more for her to do. It’s not within her control."
— Ash (04:38)

• This also led to the client seeking more intellectually challenging work and increased agency independent of the problematic collaboration.

Application Beyond the Example: Other Contexts (06:46)

• Dusty asks how the model applies if coaching only one half of a partnership.

• Ash responds the process is the same: clarify which challenges belong to the client, which belong to others, and whether co-creation is possible.

  • Example: A client who changed jobs after realizing through the model that her difficulties were actually due to her manager, not her ADHD.

• Marital relationships also benefit:

  • ADHD is often scapegoated for all problems.
  • The model helps clients recognize what they own and what’s more about their partner or the dynamic.

"Doing yours and mine is also really nice for my clients to be able to kind of distinguish that, yes, we’re having challenges, but those challenges aren’t necessarily all me and all ADHD."
— Ash (08:23)

The Origin Story of "Yours, Mine, Ours" (09:28)

• Ash recounts how the model originated from a spontaneous coaching session.
  • It started by simply asking, “What’s your stuff and what’s not your stuff?” and evolved from there as a recurring theme with clients.

"That conversation with that client sort of bore this model, because the next time I ran into that with a client...I brought that same language in."
— Ash (10:01)

The Role of Agency and Emotional Response (10:54)

• Dusty highlights the issue of lost agency when ADHD clients default to blame-sponging and reactive behavior.
  • The model restores a sense of control by clarifying where clients actually have influence.
  • Encourages a proactive stance: “What do I want? What can I do to help myself?”

"There’s also a sense of control that’s taken away from you because now it’s just about you being reactive and responsive... and you can lose some of that agency."
— Dusty (11:16)

ADHD + Anxious Spouse Dynamic (12:12)

• Ash describes common patterns in ADHD/anxious spouse pairings:
  • An anxious spouse’s need for control can interact poorly with ADHD traits, sparking negative emotional cycles.
  • ADHD partners can work to pause, pivot, and separate their partner's anxiety from their own self-worth.
  • Co-created solutions (“ours”) might involve advocating for new, healthier ways to communicate.

"If you’re coming at me angry and anxious, of course that’s going to provoke an emotional response. I've had a couple of clients for whom they sort of recognize that their spouse has that anxious personality...Part of the what’s mine becomes around I want to show up differently here."
— Ash (13:20)

Takeaways for Listeners (14:27)

• Dusty summarizes the main message:
  • Many listeners may be stuck in cycles of blame and reactivity.
  • The real work is to “step back, slow it down, and ask that question... What’s yours, what’s mine, and what’s ours?”

"If you are stuck in that cycle of always feeling like you’re wrong... there’s a better way. And that part of it is stepping back... to ask that question that you’re asking, what’s yours, what’s mine, and what’s ours?"
— Dusty (14:41)

• Ash underscores the importance of intentional pause, clarity, and agency, even when collaboration is not an option.

Final Thoughts & Coach-to-Coach Impact (16:31)

• Dusty reflects on how the model could help his own clients and thanks Ash for sharing it.

Memorable Quotes

• Ash (01:34): “One of the things that this model helps us do is distinguish what’s mine and what’s not mine in this situation.”
• Dusty (11:16): “There’s also a sense of control that’s taken away from you because now it’s just about you being reactive and responsive... and you can lose some of that agency.”
• Ash (13:20): “Part of the what’s mine becomes around I want to show up differently here...where I don’t let this become about my failure or my inability to.”
• Dusty (14:41): “If you are stuck in that cycle... there’s a better way. And that part of it is stepping back... to ask that question that you’re asking, what’s yours, what’s mine, and what’s ours?”

Timestamps for Segments

• 00:55 – Introduction to the "Yours, Mine, Ours" model
• 02:35 – Real-life workplace application
• 06:46 – Coaching only one side of a relationship; other applications
• 09:28 – Origin of the model
• 10:54 – Agency, blame, and proactive behavior
• 12:12 – Marital and anxious spouse dynamics
• 14:27 – Main listener takeaway: reflect, pause, and clarify responsibility
• 16:31 – Coach-to-coach appreciation and close

Tone and Language

• The tone throughout is empathetic, encouraging, and practical.
• Both hosts use accessible, client-focused language with relatable anecdotes.
• The conversation maintains warmth, honesty, and a collaborative dynamic—mirroring values central to their coaching approach.

For listeners:
This episode provides both a practical tool and an empowering message—by untangling responsibility and choosing where to focus your energy, you can show up more authentically and constructively in your ADHD relationships.