A Very [Ivy] Wolk Christmas ft Ali Macofsky

Summary

Trash Tuesday w/ Esther Povitsky & Khalyla Kuhn

"A Very [Ivy] Wolk Christmas" ft. Ali Macofsky

Release Date: December 23, 2025

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Episode Overview

This festive episode brings comedian and writer Ivy Wolk and stand-up comic Ali Macofsky into the “Trash Tuesday” holiday fold with hosts Khalyla Kuhn and (briefly) Esther Povitsky. The crew dives deep into wild personal stories, generational dating woes, pop culture predictions, holiday traditions (American and Filipino), and explores all the weirdness, nostalgia, and neuroses that make the season memorable—if not completely unhinged.

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Main Topics & Key Discussion Points

1. Waymo Taxi Catastrophes and Modern Transport Fails

• Dave (producer/recurring character) and Ivy exchange stories about mishaps with Waymo self-driving cars.
• Dave relives his “thrilling” crash as a passenger. Ivy got stranded in a park far from her stand-up gig after a Waymo dropped her off in the middle of nowhere (11:32).
  • "The Waymo dropped me off in the middle of an in-road in Elysian State park. No service, nothing. 45 minute walk away." – Ivy Wolk (11:32)
• Discussion about trust, price surging, and the weird loneliness of self-driving car service versus shared rides.

2. Body Image, Crossed Eyes, and Perception

• The crew riffs on the viral factoid that “you wouldn’t recognize yourself on the street,” leading to thoughts on dysmorphia and seeing oneself everywhere.
  • “I am one of those people that sees myself in everyone. And I don’t know what that means.” – Khalyla (03:44)
• Khalyla’s “manokon”—the Filipino term for the slightly cross-eyed hot girl look—sparks a group lazy eye test and much laughter (04:41, 05:15).

3. Growing Up (and Out) in College

• Ivy recounts her college days at Emerson, defending herself against a bizarre online allegation: that she “dropped out because she had no friends.” Ivy details her actual college friend group—described as “bottom of the barrel guys” and the girl who sugared her vagina in the filthy dorm, with stories about “Dirty Leo” (“the most degenerate, disgusting bong addicted people on the planet”) and impromptu waxing sessions (17:10–19:35).
  • “My girl best friend from college used to wax my pussy in the dorm… It was a fucking minefield of crumbs.” – Ivy (17:10)

4. On Dating, Relationships, and Generational Intimacy Woes

• Conversation about dating men who are “gay for attention,” sexual preferences, and witty takes on younger men’s erectile woes.
  • “Most men I’ve dated have been gay for attention…like, not in any legible way where it’s their truth, but for social capital conversion, which is tacky and annoying.” – Ivy (37:33)
• Ivy’s wild story: her boyfriend, while out drinking with her, makes out with a gay guy, secures a “dick pill” from him, and the ensuing entanglement (38:01–41:03).

5. Mental Health, Medication, and Sex

• Detailed talk on antidepressants (Zoloft, Wellbutrin), side effects on sexual drive, and varied experiences with orgasms, masturbation, and vibrators.
  • “Zoloft definitely… I could not… I would never get there.” – Khalyla (42:31)
  • “I can’t come from sex, but I can enter a flow state masturbatorily… It feels like I’m exorcising a demon. Totally quiet, totally still.” – Ivy (42:59)
• Ivy’s comedic first attempt at masturbation: using an Adam & Eve vibrator with a Trisha Paytas code, while watching Anthony Jeselnik’s “Thoughts and Prayers” (45:05).

6. Holiday Traditions: Elf on a Shelf, Caroling, and Christmas Culture

• Ali explains Elf on the Shelf, everyone agrees it’s kind of confusing (“so Catholic,” “like there’s always someone watching you”—49:20).
• Khalyla proposes a group caroling session; discussion on how caroling is “huge” in the Philippines but makes Americans uneasy (50:29–51:54).
• Favorite Christmas songs: Khalyla loves Ray Conniff’s “Christmas Bride” (“I feel like I’m gonna burst into tears”), Ali’s is “Simply Having a Wonderful Christmas Time” (“They put, like, crack in that song”) (53:03–53:25).

7. Pop Culture Predictions

• Pop culture review and predictions for 2025/26: Ali foresees Jennifer Lawrence’s divorce and being DM’d by Joe Jonas; Ivy’s friend is convinced Will Arnett will fall for her, despite no connection (30:54–32:29).
• Debate over “art dealer boyfriends” and LA/NYC social scenes.

8. Comparing Holiday Traditions: US, Philippines, and Elsewhere

• Differences between American and Filipino Christmas: Khalyla finds US Christmas lonely compared to the big communal “party-as-a-whole-village” Filipino celebrations, where Christmas starts in July (69:18–71:52).
  • “I felt so utterly lonely… American Christmases are so utterly depressing compared to how fun it is back home.” – Khalyla (69:38)
• Banter about bananas: from monocultures (Cavendish) to the 50+ delicious varieties in the Philippines; Khalyla laments America’s limited banana culture (58:47–60:29).
• White Elephant gift exchange horror stories, Christmas pajamas, Hallmark movies, and the endless “Merry Christmas vs. Happy Holidays” debate (62:07–66:32).

9. Miscellaneous Memorable Bits

• Stories about encountering coyotes, bats, and the curse (or delight) of living near wildlife (60:44).
• Ivy’s traumatizing “birth video” memory and the hilarity of school health classes (48:46).

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Notable Quotes & Moments with Timestamps

• On Waymo Dangers:
  “The Waymo dropped me off in the middle of an in-road in Elysian State park… No service, nothing. 45 minute walk away.” — Ivy (11:32)
• On Perceiving Oneself:
  “I am one of those people that sees myself in everyone... I think I’m so weirdly ugly that when I send pictures to my friend group…” — Khalyla (03:44)
• On Dirty College Friends:
  “My girl best friend from college used to wax my pussy in the dorm…” — Ivy (17:10) “My friend Leo, who we all call Dirty Leo, his nickname around the school was Dirty Leo because he was so dirty.” — Ivy (18:26)
• On Dating & Wild Nights:
  “Most men I’ve dated have been gay for attention… Not in any like legible way where it’s their truth, but for the social capital conversion.” — Ivy (37:33) “He started making out with a gay guy... and later the gay guy comes, brings dick pills… The guy takes all of them at once, and then they start making out again.” — Ivy (39:05–41:03)
• On American vs. Filipino Christmas:
  “American Christmases are so utterly depressing compared to how fun it is back home... It just feels so communal and fun. Over here, it is very separate.” — Khalyla (69:38)
• On Sexual (Dys)Function:
  “I can’t come from sex, but I can enter a flow state masturbatorily and I can kind of lock in…” — Ivy (42:59)
• On Elf on a Shelf:
  “It feels so Catholic. Someone’s watching you—feel bad about it!” — Ivy (49:20)
• On Christmas Songs:
  “Ray Conniff, ‘Christmas Bride’… if I hear it, I will burst into tears.” — Khalyla (53:09) “I like ‘Simply Having a Wonderful Christmas Time.' They put, like, crack in that song.” — Ali (53:25)
• On Hallmark Movies:
  “Now I’m under contract with Lifetime to write a Lifetime movie… about a femcel who finds a trad wife influencer who looks exactly like her. She kidnaps her and takes over her house.” — Ivy (54:25)
• On Family & Identity:
  “My mom and I are there… with this big Vietnamese family whom my mother and I are not related to whatsoever... it always just kind of feels like I’m interloping on another family a little bit.” — Ivy (67:46)
• On Bananas:
  “In the Philippines, we have 50 kinds of bananas… Our banana system here [in America] really sucks.” — Khalyla (59:40)

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Key Holiday Hot Takes & Segment Timestamps

• Waymo horror stories: 05:35–12:23
• Body image/eye perceptions: 02:25–05:21
• College drama & online beefs: 15:24–22:54
• Relationship chaos (“gay for attention”, erectile dysfunction): 37:33–41:18
• Antidepressants & sexual function: 42:03–46:32
• Masturbation confessions: 46:32–47:00
• Elf on the Shelf explained: 46:45–51:19
• Caroling traditions: 50:29–51:54
• White Elephant/holiday games: 62:07–65:31
• American vs. Filipino Christmas: 69:18–73:12
• Eggnog, New Year’s, Xmas tree debate: 73:24–77:49

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Tone & Style

• Casual, irreverent, confessional: Unfiltered stories, embraced messiness, millennial/gen Z humor, comfort with TMI, and signature vulnerability and wryness.
• Playful self-deprecation: Owning their "trash" and trauma with a wink.
• Warm but snarky: Comforting, inclusive, but not above a good roast — of themselves, each other, or societal norms.

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For the Sluggies (listeners):

If you want a cathartic, cringe-hilarious Christmas with a side of emotional honesty, weird LA mishaps, and genuine cultural reflection, this is the “Trash Tuesday” holiday episode not to miss.

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Note:
This summary skips all intro/outro/ads (MyFico/ToyotaThon/Monarch/Shopify/MintMobile, etc.), focusing on the heart of the hilarious and revealing discussions.

Transcript

[Ivy Wolk]

A new phone for Billy, a necklace for Sam. All the while on the lookout for scams.

[Kalila]

A swipe here and tap there.

[Ivy Wolk]

Better make it go far. Turns out mom didn't know she needs.

[Kalila]

A new car this year. Stay on top of your credit with the MyFico app. Get your FICO score straight from the people that created it. Plus free credit monitoring and a free credit report every month. No credit card required. So make holiday spending one less stress under the mistletoe. Visit myfico.com free or download the MyFico app today.

[Ali]

I think there's something beautiful about being a caroler, and there's something horrific about watching a caroler being Carol, too.

[Ivy Wolk]

Must be frightening. I've never been caroled, too, but it's.

[Kalila]

So special, I promise you.

[Ali]

I have main character syndrome, so I'm like, I don't want to see anyone else perform. If carolers came to my door, I'd just start chiming in. You know, I'd be like, where are.

[Dave]

You guys off to next? Klila, there's huge news in our neck of the woods.

[Kalila]

What is it?

[Dave]

We're doing a live show January 28th in Los Angeles.

[Kalila]

I can't believe. I still can't believe I agreed to this. But here we are, guys.

[Dave]

It's on, and tickets are moving.

[Kalila]

It's the only night I'll be out, I think. I don't go out at night anymore. I'm doing this specifically for you guys because we haven't done this in a long time and we've booked really good special guests. Amazing guests.

[Dave]

We have a lot planned. Our team is going to be there. If you have never been to the Comedy Store, it's definitely like a very, very special place worth seeing. Seeing. And this is a great excuse to go. It's just going to be a really fun, special night. It's going to be like an intimate vibe where you're gonna be like, oh, my God, I can't believe I'm seeing that person. That person. That person. Because we were really bringing in our regulars from the pod. It's just going to be special.

[Kalila]

January 28th at the Comedy Store main room. Get your tickets at the link below.

[Dave]

We'll see you there. Klila, we have a Patreon.

[Kalila]

I'm digging deep.

[Dave]

I know I'm spilling some stuff. Someone is gonna cut that out and post it, and then we're gonna have to sue them.

[Kalila]

Don't do that. But yes. Join us on patre.

[Dave]

Are able to get a little deeper there and just share More. You can join us at the link below patreon.com Trash Tuesday podcast. We'll see you there. And thank you so much for supporting our show. Okay. I don't believe this fact, but have you heard that if you saw yourself on the street, you wouldn't. You wouldn't understand that it's you?

[Ali]

Well, have you heard about the true mirror?

[Dave]

It shows you you, but not reverse.

[Ali]

Yeah, it's like how other people see you.

[Dave]

There's no way that any of this is real.

[Ali]

I know, right? Once I. Like, if I start thinking about it too long, I'm like, we're in a simulation. I'm not a real person.

[Dave]

Or I'm just like, is everything. What is everything? Yeah, what is everything? Is a scary question.

[Ali]

Is everything.

[Dave]

That's not what you want to be asking around Christmas.

[Ali]

Well, and it's like, we could both look at, like, my cup and see, like, a totally different thing. Like, not like a totally different thing, but, like, our eyes, like, the way that they pick stuff up.

[Dave]

Wait, Klila, have you heard of this?

[Ali]

That.

[Dave]

Come in.

[Kalila]

Come in.

[Ivy Wolk]

Thanks.

[Kalila]

Wait, those aren't ugly.

[Ali]

I feel like I'm kind of testing out this, like, new personality where I just wear a ton of clips in my head.

[Kalila]

Wait, me too. So I just bought, like, 16 new clips.

[Ali]

Wait, I literally have even more.

[Kalila]

Do you From Cuckoo Suzette? I got all of these, like, animals.

[Dave]

I didn't know we were allowed to wear those kinds of clips out.

[Ali]

Yeah, I'm doing it.

[Dave]

Have you heard this horrible fact that I hate so much? That if you saw yourself on the street, you wouldn't recognize yourself because, like, you're so. The way we look at ourselves is.

[Kalila]

So different that we have just dysmorphia.

[Dave]

Yeah.

[Kalila]

Oh, no. This is so not true. Can I tell you why you started to debunk this for you? I am one of those people that sees my. Myself in everyone. And I don't know what that means, but I all. I do.

[Sponsor/Announcer]

If you.

[Kalila]

My friend group.

[Ali]

That's so, like, Christ coded.

[Kalila]

It's. It's. It's not even in, like, a religious way. It's more like, I think I'm so weirdly ugly that when I send pictures to my friend group every time I'm like, hey, this dude looks like me. Look at me. Look at me. Just rolling around in a wife beater, and I send pictures of different people from everywhere.

[Dave]

But you're proving that it. This is maybe right because you're dysmorphic about how you see.

[Kalila]

No but they're like. We see it. They're like, yeah, little cross side. The mild cross eyed. Like, yeah, we see it.

[Dave]

Is the mild cross eyed that you.

[Ali]

Speak of, is that in the room with us?

[Dave]

Is it post Bell's palsy or is that pre?

[Kalila]

That's pre, unfortunately.

[Dave]

Okay.

[Kalila]

It's always been there. There's a word for it in. In my dialects called manokon. And it's all the hot. It's what hot girls have. They're slightly cross eyed.

[Ali]

I get that. I saw this tick tock where it's like to see if you have like a lazy eye or something, you like cover one of your eyes and you like close your eye and cover it. And then after like a few seconds when you open, if it's like, well, coming back. Didn't mind. Do it.

[Kalila]

No, you have to spin this eye around. So cover this eye.

[Ali]

Okay. And then cover this.

[Kalila]

Yeah. And then starts looking all over the room with that eye. Okay.

[Ivy Wolk]

Oh my God.

[Kalila]

And then way more. And then now look at me. Now release the hand. Oh, a slight one.

[Ali]

Oh, wait. I want to go home.

[Dave]

This spinning would make me sick. You want to go home?

[Kalila]

Very slight though.

[Ali]

Mom, come get me up. Come get me.

[Kalila]

I'm cross eyed.

[Ali]

I used to always call my mom to pick me up.

[Dave]

You guys. My waymo got hit last night.

[Kalila]

I saw.

[Dave]

It was so thrilling.

[Ali]

Where were you? What happened?

[Kalila]

I was the craziest thing out of a pregnant woman's mouth. Hey, this car accident I got to so thrilling.

[Dave]

I was home, going home from the Comedy Store or the Improv. And like I've noticed that. I like, like, I love taking we. First of all, like, let me just come out right now as a Waymo addict. It is so soothing. It is so relaxed. It is unlike anything else.

[Ali]

What seat do you choose?

[Dave]

It depends. I don't really care.

[Kalila]

Can you choose the front? Yeah, I've never been on a way.

[Dave]

Can you choose the driver?

[Ali]

I've never tried that.

[Dave]

That would be my only wayo complaint. Believe it or not, is not the car accident. It's just that sometimes it smells like perfume.

[Kalila]

Ew, I hate that.

[Dave]

And that'll really throw you off. That'll make you sick. But I love it. The first. But the first time I took one, I was like, this is so exciting. Dave was like, it's just another car ride. I don't understand what's. What's going on with me.

[Kalila]

No, it. Dave is not right here.

[Dave]

Thank you.

[Kalila]

This is a really weird experience to be driven by a Nobody.

[Dave]

It's amazing. Yeah.

[Ali]

It's crazy to be like nonchalant about a self driving car. He's like, come on, wait.

[Dave]

I love you guys. Thank you for validating this. So I'm like totally hooked on it. And the price, the weird thing about Waymo is the price fluctuations are insane. Like, it can be from. For me to get to the Comedy Store, it can be anywhere from $20 to like $90.

[Ali]

That's crazy.

[Dave]

Yeah. So it is so inconsistent. Is the wild, wild West.

[Ali]

I feel like the fact that no one is driving, no one's getting paid except for the company. Like, like when I have an expensive Uber or Lyft, I'm like, you know, hopefully they're getting like the majority of how expensive this is.

[Kalila]

Right? Because we've been stuck here. Yeah, we've been stuck here for an hour and a half.

[Ali]

Yeah. But then with like a self driving car, it's like, why?

[Dave]

It's all availability and demand. They know, you know, they. They know what they're doing. The fleet needs to grow for us to get the prices down. Anyway, we were like driving. The only thing that was so annoying is that it was taking side streets that I never take. Don't understand why, but we're on like a really slim West Hollywood side street and this big truck just like came past us. The Waymo froze and it just scraped, scraped. And it was. I really did. I froze too. Like fight flight.

[Ali]

Yeah, freeze.

[Dave]

I'm like, because what? You're so powerless.

[Ali]

Well, and like having a lift or an Uber, you're like, oh, no. Like you have someone to process with and be like, that's crazy. But you're just alone. Like, am I being watched? Like, am I performing right now for the Waymo?

[Dave]

And there's like out on the street watching and I'm like, I'm so helpless in the back. It was, it was a little stressful, but I mean, thankfully it was so minor. Like, I made a video about it online to try to like, you know, make it. Just make.

[Kalila]

You have to. You had no one to process it with. You had to turn your camera on.

[Dave]

But it ended up being fine. It was annoying to like wait for another wayo to come.

[Ali]

Yeah. So what's like the process after it gets hit? So obviously the car registers that it's.

[Dave]

It's like immediately they're like, we on. We know what's going on. Like a voice comes over, they're like, we are on it.

[Ali]

Like a real person or no, like.

[Kalila]

A, like an onar.

[Dave]

Yeah. And then I just hit support call and had got in touch with them, and they were like. They were a little bit like. I'm like, does this happen? They're like, no. I'm like, oh, my God, I'm special.

[Kalila]

Yes, I'm special.

[Ali]

So do they give you, like, a free ride or like, any crap?

[Dave]

I'm waiting to hear.

[Kalila]

He.

[Dave]

Because you know me. I was like, so this is really inconvenient.

[Ali]

Yeah, I'm pregnant. I'm pregnant.

[Dave]

But I did also feel so bad because the waymo I feel did nothing wrong. So I do feel bad, but I was like, this is inconvenient. Like, I'm being. I'm getting home late, and my husband.

[Ali]

Needs to go play poker, and I'm pregnant. You got to milk it. You got to milk the pregnant card.

[Dave]

So, yeah, that was my thrilling night.

[Kalila]

I had a thrilling night, too. You did? Yeah, I went out to the Americana.

[Dave]

Ivy, come on.

[Ivy Wolk]

Come on in.

[Dave]

Come on in.

[Kalila]

Right here.

[Dave]

Welcome. Kalila was just telling us that she actually went out last night, which I don't understand what's going on.

[Kalila]

I know, because I usually.

[Ivy Wolk]

Yeah, I don't usually last night.

[Kalila]

And by going out, I mean, like, I was out between the hours of, like, 3:00pm to 7.

[Dave]

Last night.

[Kalila]

Last night it was 3:00pm to 7.

[Ivy Wolk]

What did you get up to?

[Kalila]

I went to the Americana because I was like, let's do some Christmas shopping with my baby.

[Dave]

Did you get Santa pictures?

[Kalila]

No. You know, I'm too paranoid to be around infestation and germs. I don't know what Santa is hiding.

[Sponsor/Announcer]

Anyways.

[Kalila]

I was like, you know what? I've been on Din Tai Fung a lot.

[Ali]

Why?

[Sponsor/Announcer]

Because.

[Kalila]

Okay, so wrong. Because I'm a. I'm a dumb snob. And when Din Tai Fung. There was a small Din typheng in Arcadia 20 years ago, and it was the one place. It was like our little secret. Like, if you knew, you knew this dumpling place, and my friends and I would go there all the time. But then it became this huge mainstream thing, and everyone goes there and it's beautiful, and you just kind of like, oh, this isn't the band that I used to love anymore kind of feeling.

[Dave]

Thank you for admitting that.

[Sponsor/Announcer]

Yeah.

[Kalila]

And so I was like, there's no way that it's still good, but sadly, like, it is. And the service is great.

[Dave]

It's incredible.

[Kalila]

I know it's. I wouldn't say incredible, but it's good.

[Ali]

Which your big night was.

[Kalila]

That was my big night. And Then I.

[Dave]

Did your baby eat in.

[Kalila]

I think that because of the sodium, I had this really crazy dream where our audio engineer Gilbert was trying to eat my hands. Like all my. My whole dream from like.

[Ali]

Oh, I thought you meant in real life.

[Kalila]

I was like, no, I know the din tai funk I sort of got. It was like din tai fung induced psychosis where the whole night I just dreamt that Gilbert, like my audio engineer was trying to.

[Ivy Wolk]

Were your hands dumplings in the dream?

[Dave]

They were.

[Kalila]

They were my hands. I know that would have been cute, but yeah, that was my big, exciting night. I didn't get into a Waymo accident, but.

[Ivy Wolk]

You got into a Waymo accident. I had a Waymo incident last night.

[Dave]

You did what?

[Ivy Wolk]

It was not an accident, but the Waymo dropped me off in the middle of an inroad in Elysian State park on the east side. I was trying to go to the Elysian Theater to do stand up and it dropped me off on a road with no sidewalks. Like an inroad where the state park is. No service, nothing. 45 minute walk away. No sidewalks from where I was supposed to be going.

[Ali]

Wait, couldn't you like, do something?

[Ivy Wolk]

It didn't let me. No, I was literally stranded. And so I had to call my friends who were at the show and. And have them haul ass, like leave their parking spot and come get me. And then they had to park in the red. And I'm not sure if they ended up getting a ticket while they were sitting watching me do stand up.

[Ali]

No, I was park illegally in front of the illusion and they never.

[Ivy Wolk]

They never. Okay, that provides me some solace. But yeah, the Waymo dropped me off a 45 minute walkway in. On an inroad in Elysian State Park.

[Kalila]

Are you talking to it? Are you like, hello?

[Ivy Wolk]

I mean, I don't even know what to say. Does it speak English? Like, would it understand me what I have to sign to it? I don't know. Like, I was really scared though. I was very, very SC and confused.

[Dave]

That's actually way scarier.

[Ivy Wolk]

I was just sitting. I was just sitting on a curb in like a patch of grass. Like a cop car drove by me, slowed down and then just kept going.

[Ali]

Did you put in the wrong address? Like, did you just put in the Allegiance?

[Ivy Wolk]

It drove right by the Allegiance. I put in the exact address for the Legion Theater. It drove right by the Elysian. And then on the little iPad in the back seat, it said, recalibrating, drop off destination. I was like, okay. And then it drove me probably a 10 minute drive out of the way, but truly to a place where there was no way I could have walked to the illusion by myself. Yeah, I was very frightened.

[Dave]

This episode is brought to you by Uber.

[Ivy Wolk]

Yeah, literally.

[Dave]

Even though they might hurt you, at least you'll.

[Ali]

Well, now you can do. You can request girl drivers.

[Ivy Wolk]

Oh, right.

[Kalila]

You can lady drivers.

[Dave]

Yeah, I don't know if that even is any better.

[Ivy Wolk]

No, I don't want to crash. I'm okay.

[Kalila]

Rating that I ever.

[Dave]

Asian woman, right? She said just a woman.

[Ivy Wolk]

Are you a good driver?

[Kalila]

I know I drive like a grandma. Like a grandma I know. Pisses everyone off because I'm very, very cautious. Yeah, very cautious.

[Ivy Wolk]

That's a really good thing.

[Dave]

She's a good driver. She's trying to show off.

[Kalila]

No, I'm not, but I don't have that.

[Ali]

I'm a good driver and I'm a crazy driver.

[Kalila]

I feel like the crazier drivers are actually more skilled, I think so. I'm not great at parallel parking.

[Ali]

I love parallel parking. I'm back in a parking space.

[Ivy Wolk]

I don't want to be in a car with somebody who drives crazy. I'm precious cargo. I really like, I don't really like.

[Ali]

Keep getting dropped off far from your desktop.

[Ivy Wolk]

The thing about the Waymo though is it drives so slowly that I, I feel kind of comfortable there because it's going so unbelievably slow.

[Dave]

Are you addicted to it like I.

[Ivy Wolk]

Am to the Waymo?

[Dave]

Yeah.

[Ivy Wolk]

I think I like, prefer taking lifts, but also Waymo doesn't like reach everywhere. I tried taking awaymo here and it said this was outside of its like jurisdiction.

[Dave]

No, yeah, it's limited.

[Ivy Wolk]

It's limited.

[Dave]

It'll go east and west, but it won't take you north and south.

[Ivy Wolk]

I had a Waymo experience once where the car I, I walked up to and on the map the car was further into the parking lot that it was picking me up from than where the car actually was. And because those two were different, it didn't let me get in the car. And so I'm like standing outside of the car trying to unlock it and it's telling me to go further into the parking lot. But the second I walk further into the parking lot away from the actual vehicle, it's like you're too far away from your destination. And it just backed out and kept driving and drove just down the road and I again was stranded. This is also at the Elysian. This is also at the Elysian. Actually it really like something about that entire place really fucks with the way.

[Dave]

An ex boyfriend who works for Waymo.

[Ivy Wolk]

No, I do not. As far as I know. No, I don't. Well, none of them are really employed, right? So I don't think. Or potentially employable, so I don't think. I don't think so. I think I'm good on that.

[Dave]

Wait, so Ivy, you've been in LA for like a little minute here having like a holiday experience?

[Ivy Wolk]

I'm here for a job and I've just been bouncing around, like doing stand up and podcasts and stuff, and it's been cute. I'm beefing with people online and beefing with people on the Internet. I'm beefing with like, there was like a, like a 33 year old woman who was claiming that her boyfriend who was who went to my college at the same time as me, but now she's saying that he's in his late 20s. And I'm like, okay, I think you're thinking of a totally different bitch. Because I'm 21. She's like, my boyfriend's 28. He went to college with Ivy Wolk when she was. When they were both 18. It's like, well, that's not how this works. But she was like leveraging a friendless allegation against me. She was saying that I didn't have any friends in college and that that's why I dropped out of college. And actually the reason I dropped out of college was because I was being a girl boss and I was too busy and I decided that doing ketamine in New York was a lot funner than doing coke that was cut with baby powder in Boston.

[Ali]

So what a weird allegation to say that you had no friends.

[Ivy Wolk]

Like, what a weird thing to be.

[Ali]

Like, she had no friends. That's why she dropped out.

[Ivy Wolk]

But finding out that this woman was 33 years old, truly, like, it felt like doing whip. It's like I was so fucking excited and stoked to find out that this lady was lying on my name from a millennial cracked phone. Like, that was really. It was revelatory. I was really happy about that because then she just has no legs to stand on. Because it's like, okay, yeah, I'm an adult now, but you're talking about me in regards to something that you heard happened when I was 18 years old. If. When I was 18 years old. That was three years ago. So she would have been 30 years old. And it's like, even then, why would you care?

[Kalila]

What a creep.

[Dave]

Like, what a Fucking accused of having no friends. Like, okay, I'm good. Like, I'll take that any day.

[Ivy Wolk]

I was offended because it was like, I do have, like, really close friends from college. Like, my girl best friend from college used to wax my pussy in the dorm, like, on the dorm floor. She used to, like, sugar wax my vagina. Oh, my God.

[Kalila]

That's really. She sugared you?

[Ivy Wolk]

Yes, I had to. I never. I'm like, full bush all the way. But for. I was shooting a Nora at the time, and we were about to fly to Vegas for, like, the last unit of the film. And there was like a scene where we're like, all in the pool at the, like, casino that we were staying at. And I was wearing, like, a one piece with, like a high cut. And I was like, I'm gonna need my pussy wax. It was my first time ever getting my vagina waxed. My dorm room was so fucking dirty. I was living out of a suitcase because I was traveling for work all the time. And so all of my stuff was in cardboard boxes and suitcases around my dorm. We put down a towel in, like, the one sliver of floor that wasn't totally covered. We had to put the towel down because, I mean, the entire carpet was just, like, full of crumbs. Like, it was like a fucking. A minefield of crumbs. And so she puts the towel down and she, like, plugs the wax thing in and she, like, heated it up and she waxed my fucking pussy. My entire fucking pussy. And then there's a bitch on TikTok being like, ivy Wilk had no friends. And it's like, actually, like, that girl waxed my fucking neck. Nasty vagina. Like, I do have friends.

[Dave]

You're standing up for your friends.

[Ivy Wolk]

No, literally, my friend group in college, it was a hot girl who waxed my vagina. And then it was like, seven guys who are addicted to weed and like, the most bottom of the barrel guys literally on the fucking planet. And they would say this themselves, like, truly the most degenerate, disgusting bong addicted people on the planet. My friend Leo, who we all call Dirty Leo, his nickname around the school was Dirty Leo because he was so dirty. Leo, like, took too many bong rips and passed out outside of our dorm building on the sidewalk, like, on a main road in Boston, like, outside of the big Boston Common park.

[Dave]

Where did you go to school?

[Ivy Wolk]

I went to Emerson for a year. He passed out outside of the dorm building clutching his Bart Simpson bong that had Bart Simpson's, like, visage. Painted on the side of it passed out was FaceTiming everybody in the friend group, like, can somebody help me up? I passed out in, like, my own vomit on the sidewalk outside of the dorm building. And we all declined the FaceTime. And he just slept out there the entire night. And those were my friends. You know, we didn't always come through for each other, but you need those.

[Kalila]

Dirtbag friends, so I feel like they're the ones who are really gonna, you know, rally for you. I absolutely. God, it just, like, I have a memory that flashed just now, and I'm so embarrassed because I don't want you to know me as this person. I don't want you to know me as Vomit Girl. But I have made, like, I have have puked on my bed onto my pillow and then just flipped it and then continued to sleep, puked on that side, and then instead of, like, throwing it to the side, got another pillow and put it on top and slept through the night. It was like a. Like a vomit pillow sandwich.

[Ivy Wolk]

That's amazing.

[Dave]

This is why it's, like, scary to become friends with someone when you're in your 30s.

[Kalila]

Yeah.

[Dave]

You don't know what they did in there.

[Kalila]

Yeah. They've lived nine lives, and it's. It's unlikely that you like anything you hear.

[Ivy Wolk]

I know. It's crazy thinking about, like, my friends from college one day having jobs and being married and having children, because it's like another thing that Leo did that was so fucking funny was one day he shows up to our. We were taking, like, a. Like a screenwriting, like, comedy writing class, and he shows up to class drinking vodka out of, like, a metal thermos water bottle. And he's wearing aviator sunglasses, a leather jacket, and a Brian Griffin belt buckle. And he shows up drunk as a cartoon. He loves a fucking cartoon. He doesn't play about a fucking cartoon. One thing about Dirty Leo, he don't play about a cartoon. He. So he shows up to class. He's. He's vodka drunk as Fuck. It's like 11 in the morning. He's just chugging this water bottle that was full of the brim with vodka. Like, the second that we got into class. He smells fucking crazy. He's greasy as fuck. And at one point during class, like, he gets bored. And so he, like, is dialing a number on his phone, and he takes it turns out, like, in the middle of class, he interrupted the lecture to call the suicide hotline to flirt with the operator. And he was asking her, like, what are you wearing? I Love the sound of your voice. And she's like, sir, are you in a crisis? He like, put it on speaker and we all were just like wrapped sitting listening to this. The professor was so angry, but it's like those were my friends, you know, it's like it might not have been like good company, but for me it was enough, you know, so for somebody to get on TikTok and discount those fucking people whose stories that I needed to get me through my fucking day, who's like bong hits and trailer park boys sessions on the fucking dorm tv. My friends used to smoke like so much Keef that they would pass out in the common room and just sleep there for like 13 hours every day, skip all their classes, sleep just like on bean bags in the hallway of the dorm building. Like, what we. Another thing we used to do in college was my friend George had like really severe back knee. And me and my friend Lola. George and Lola were dating at the time. We would go into like the gender neutral. We called it the Jenny Nooch. It was like the big bathrooms on each floor that were like, for like people in wheelchairs or like non binary students or whatever. We would colonize the Jenny Nooch. We would take furniture from the common rooms in the hallway, like the couches. We would fucking all as a group, haul a couch in there. And Lola and I would sit there while George took a shower in the Jenny Nuge. And then we would apply his back knee creams and ointments on him. It was really wonderful. We would get. We would like vape and like cover the smoke detectors with the shirt and smoke weed and put the acne cream.

[Dave]

You guys are all gonna make really good parents one day, I think.

[Ivy Wolk]

I really hope so. I definitely think a lot of those kids will have fetal alcohol syndrome.

[Kalila]

But they do say that like, like, ex party girls make the best moms.

[Ivy Wolk]

Because they say, because the party girl, she's like, not in me. I would make a great mother. It's like, you don't know him.

[Kalila]

Emphasis on X. Like, they no longer, like, party really hard because they know the feeling of that awful hangover, that awful sleeplessness. So it's not like, new to them when they finally get to the newborn trenches and they're up for three days. For them, it's like, I've done this, this before. This feels familiar, being in, like this haze, right?

[Ali]

Does it bother you guys when people who don't have babies say, I'm tired?

[Kalila]

No.

[Dave]

No.

[Ali]

Okay, good.

[Kalila]

Because when I didn't have a baby, I was tired.

[Dave]

Hell, yeah.

[Ivy Wolk]

Being alive is exhausting.

[Dave]

Yeah. I don't have any judgments against, like, non. Like, I'm not one of. It's not like this is so hard. You don't understand. It's like everyone's life is hard. Like, everything sucks.

[Kalila]

So, yeah, motherhood is hard. Not motherhood is hard. There's so many.

[Dave]

Nobody struggled harder than me before I had a baby. Every day was a struggle. How are you feeling about culturally being in LA is. Are you having a culture shock being here from New York? Are you accepting of it?

[Ivy Wolk]

I'm having a beautiful time. I mean, I'm from here and so every time I'm here, I always feel like I'm running into people for my childhood, especially because Thanksgiving just happened. Like. Like, I ran into my summer camp best friend from elementary school at a bar the other night and that was such a fucking trip. And like, I run into people from high school and like. Yeah, so it's been really fun. I mean, I did go to, like, this new. The night before Thanksgiving is this night that is, like, colloquially called Blackout Wednesday, which is where, like, everybody's home in LA and you just go out, you go clubbing, or you go bar hopping and you black the fuck out and you show up to your family. Thanksgiving in la or like, OC Just like, hungover as fuck. And I went on Blackout Wednesday to this new, like, Soho House type thing called Living Room, which is, like, owned by some guy who has, like, capital or, like, stock in Uber or something. And so it's like, really ritzy but really lame. But my friend was DJing and so a bunch of my friends were there and I ran into a guy that I rejected in the seventh grade. And now he's super hot and he makes ambient rap music and he's kind of blowing up. And he had a Polo English model on his arm.

[Kalila]

Wow.

[Ivy Wolk]

Meanwhile, I was wearing bike shorts as an outfit because I didn't fucking pack anything.

[Dave]

Wait, this happened to me, this one guy that had a crush on me forever, like, all of middle school, high school. And, you know, I. I was like, there's like a little something. I was always like, he's a little cute, you know, but it was never going anywhere. He has the hottest girlfriend now, where I'm just like, I can't believe, like, I would be trash to him.

[Ivy Wolk]

Yeah, that's the thing is I felt like in his presence, like, seeing him again, even though he's like, very sweet boy, but obviously our lives have gone in, like, totally separate directions. I was looking at him and the girls that were kind of, like, acting as his entourage for the night, and I was like, damn. I would literally be scraping the bottom of the barrel. He told me that I was the first girl that he ever talked to, ever flirted with or anything. And I'm like, damn, you've really come a long way. Meanwhile, I have not. I'm still dating guys that look just like you in the seventh grade, unfortunately.

[Dave]

Allie, have you had this experience?

[Ali]

Kind of. But I feel like all the guys that I had, like, insane crushes on have all like. Like, when I had a crush on them is when they peaked. Like, they've all gotten significantly uglier or lame.

[Ivy Wolk]

That's nice, though.

[Ali]

It is nice because, like, I think, like, when I got into standup, I was like, one day I'm gonna show them all, like, what they were missing. And then I saw everyone from my high school, and I was like, like.

[Ivy Wolk]

Okay, yeah, you don't have any.

[Dave]

Was like, I could quit stand up.

[Ali]

Good. Yeah, it's a bummer when you, like, see who you, like, were so excit. Like, like the. I wouldn't get, like, normal crushes. I would get, like, obsessed, crazy, psycho, like, really freaky.

[Kalila]

I feel like that's the only way you can crush on anyone in high school. I don't feel like your brain is.

[Ivy Wolk]

Like, you know, or as a grown adult or as a grown ass woman who votes and pays bills. Yeah.

[Kalila]

I just don't know. I didn't know how to have regular feelings or crushes. I was so. I remember this one, he was this Puerto Rican boy, and I. How I told him I had a crush on him was insane. I said, is it okay if I tattoo your name on my body?

[Ivy Wolk]

I used to do, like, how old were you?

[Kalila]

I was 15. And I thought it was just like. I don't know what came over me, but I thought that he would be really into it. He was like, like, that's psychotic. Yeah. And I'm like, I was so embarrassed. But then. But then, I mean, I. I really, like, was obsessed with this boy. But then recently, not too long ago, I got a Facebook message. I don't even check Facebook on messenger. And he was like, hey, I need help with dental bills.

[Dave]

Oh, no.

[Ivy Wolk]

Is he still hot?

[Kalila]

I don't know. And I don't want to find out.

[Dave]

Because, like, that I don't know.

[Kalila]

Yeah, but he had so much swag.

[Dave]

But it's cute that you still ask. Asked.

[Ivy Wolk]

Yeah, maybe. I mean, maybe smiles with no teeth. Maybe he's gorgeous.

[Ali]

I forget if Smoldering told this story on here before, but I had a crush on this guy Nico in fifth grade. And Valentine's Day was coming around, and I made our teacher when she was doing new seat assignments, I made her put me next to him because I wanted to be right next to him. And she let me. So we sat next to each other. And then I got him a. A stuffed bee, like, stuffed animal. And it said, will you be my valentine? And I put it on his desk before class started. And. And then he was like, oh, what is this? And I was like, I don't know, but whoever got it for you probably is, like, really cool and, like, really likes you. That's so nice of whoever did that. And then he told me that he had a girlfriend. And I wrote in my diary, I drew a picture of him and his girlfriend holding hands behind them with a gun.

[Ivy Wolk]

I used to do shit like that. There was a guy that I had a huge, like, crush on in college who dressed like a Columbiner. And I was so fucking obsessed with him. I used to. I used to get drunk and text him, like, these, like, long ass texts, being like, where are you? Like, you say that you. You say that you want to bend to a woman's will, but then I'm here talking to you, and you're nowhere to be found, you sick fuck. You're fucking disgusting. I hate the way you dress. I want you so badly. Like, would just blow up his phone and he would be like, yo, like, what. What does this mean? You know? But after he, like, brutally, brutally rejected me in like an insane heartbreak moment for me, I would. We had like an English class together and we used to sit next to each other. Then he rejected me. And so I would sit behind him and I would get to class early so that I could get a seat, like, in the back of the room so I could sit behind him. And all of class I would have my earbuds in and I would listen to Bad Girl by Madonna on oop. And I would point a finger gun at the back of his head and pretend to explode his brain with my finger gun. And I did that for an entire semester, every day.

[Ali]

He looked like the Columbiner. But you were the Columbiner.

[Ivy Wolk]

But I was the Columbiner.

[Dave]

You were projecting onto him.

[Ivy Wolk]

No, exactly. Exactly. No matter what fucking time of night it was, he would always wear a leather trench coat and a rolled beanie, even if it was four in the morning and we were indoors. And it didn't warrant it. Even if it was warm out always, that outfit was always on. And for some reason I thought that was so deep and so sexy. But it probably just meant he didn't really have any other clothes.

[Dave]

You know, it's the end of the year. Like, does anyone have any favorite pop culture moments or pop culture predictions for next year? Any.

[Ali]

I feel like my brain goes empty. I'm like, what even happened this year?

[Kalila]

This was a weird year.

[Ali]

I feel like Jennifer Lawrence will get divorced.

[Kalila]

Oh, she's been married to, I don't.

[Ivy Wolk]

Know, like an art dealer. Yeah.

[Dave]

It's like, what does that mean?

[Ali]

I just feel like she likes.

[Kalila]

It's always like, the natural pivot after, you know, in your mid-30s. I feel like everyone from, like, Salma Hayek or somebody, Heidi Klum, they always go for at one point the art dealer.

[Dave]

But is an art dealer. Did that just mean the guy with a rich family?

[Ivy Wolk]

Yes, yes, absolutely. It's a guy with a rich family who just, like, goes to galleries and is like, I could buy that and sell this to somebody else.

[Kalila]

Probably.

[Ivy Wolk]

It's like, probably a very simple, easy job for a guy who's like a layabout.

[Dave]

It's kind of gross to me.

[Ali]

I feel like Jennifer Lawrence is going to get divorced and then Joe Jonas is going to slide in my DMs. Whoa.

[Ivy Wolk]

Do you want.

[Kalila]

Are you a Joe Jonas girl?

[Ali]

I don't know, but he's, like, sexy and single, and I feel like for some reason, he's just going to discover me in 2026 and, like, kind of make a move.

[Ivy Wolk]

My friend feels this way about Will Arnett. She's like, I don't want to fuck him, but I think that in the next two years, he's gonna want to fuck me. They have no connection to each other whatsoever.

[Ali]

Is your friend blonde and skinny?

[Ivy Wolk]

She's not. Okay, well, she's skinny, but she's brunette.

[Ali]

Okay. I feel like she'll have to dye her hair. I feel like he has a blonde thing.

[Ivy Wolk]

The thing about her is I think that her essence is so wonderful that maybe it could be true.

[Ali]

Okay.

[Ivy Wolk]

Yeah. She thinks the same way, where she's like, I have no connection to this famous individual whatsoever. We don't know anybody in common, but I know that he's currently single, and one day we'll come across each other and he won't be able to resist me, and then I'll have to make my choice. But it's crazy to predict that somebody will want you, even if you don't want them.

[Ali]

Yeah, I think he'll want me.

[Dave]

I actually think this is so doable for everyone involved. One of my biggest crushes, like, and I know this isn't that big of a deal, but when I was in New York, like two years ago, I saw him at the hotel that I was at that he checked me out. Okay. I'll just say that you guys remember how much I loved him.

[Kalila]

Yes.

[Dave]

He fully like, and I was with Dave. I was like, Dave, I know he checked me out. I know he did. Dave's like, I didn't see. But I believe you.

[Kalila]

This is how. Okay, you know, I'm really not into white guys, like, at all. Right? Really? No shade. I've dated a couple white guys, but it's just, you know, not my. It's not what I.

[Ali]

What kind of white guy are you into? Like, I could picture it like Shia Lewis Le Buff, right?

[Ivy Wolk]

Like gold chain.

[Ali]

Yeah. Like, kind of like dirty.

[Dave]

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[Dave]

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[Ali]

Oh, what fun it is to drive a new toyot. Hey, Jan from Toyota here reminding you Toyotathon is on.

[Dave]

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[Ali]

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[Dave]

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[Ivy Wolk]

Dealer inventory may vary. Toyota Thon ends January 5th. See your participating dealer for details. Toyota, let's go places. Hey, Ryan Reynolds here wishing you a very happy half off holiday because right.

[Ali]

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[Ivy Wolk]

Gift of 50% off unlimited.

[Ali]

To be clear, that's half price, not half the service. Mint is still premium unlimited wireless for a great price.

[Ivy Wolk]

So that means a half day.

[Kalila]

Yeah.

[Ali]

Give it a try.

[Ivy Wolk]

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[Kalila]

Speed slow after 35 gigabytes of networks.

[Ivy Wolk]

Busy taxes and fees extra.

[Ali]

See mint mobile.com I thought, I've always thought that everyone I've dated has been a little bit gay. And I'm like their intro to like.

[Kalila]

I don't know, masculine.

[Ali]

Yeah, I think so. And I'm like, why does every guy I'm with like love doggy style?

[Ivy Wolk]

Right?

[Ali]

They don't want to see my face.

[Ivy Wolk]

It could be anybody. Yeah, yeah.

[Kalila]

The most insulting style for me was when I dated this. Obviously he was bisexual, great. But he never, he was in the closet about it. I think I talked about it on Tiger Bell. He ended up like beating me. But he never just wanted it doggy style like you guys, can I just. I know we're not a sexual show anymore, but he would, he would lay me flat and like cowgirl me like with my face down in the pillow. Like he would straddle me like a horse. And I was like, wait, this seems really gay. But then I was obviously obsessed because, you know, I'm into gay guys. Yeah.

[Ali]

Yeah.

[Ivy Wolk]

I feel like most men I've dated have been gay for attention. Like, not gay. Not gay in any, like, legible way where it's, like, their truth at all, but gay in a way where they like it for the social capital conversion, which I think is tacky and annoying.

[Kalila]

I feel like that's strategic.

[Ivy Wolk]

It is strategic. And it's like, just go get fucked in the butt. Like, prove yourself, you know, My ex. The first night that we met, like, our. Our very first date, we got really drunk at this bar in Brooklyn, and he started making out with a gay guy that was, like, just at the bar. And so as retaliation, I spit in the bartender's mouth. Like, I, like, hopped a loogie down the bartender's throat. This is back when I was, like, trying to be a wild girl in my very brief tenure at a wild girl. Like, this is the kind of shit I was getting up to. So he's making out with this gay guy. He spits in the bar. I spit in the bartender's mouth. He and I are making out. He's going back to the gay guy to make out. I'm spitting on the bartender. Whatever. And then later that night, somehow along the way, I guess, like, when I was really busy spitting and wasn't paying attention, wasn't keeping an eye on my man, he got the gay guy's phone number. And later that night, I was back at his apartment, and he was like, hold on, I need a dick pill. I don't have any left. And he texted the gay guy and was like, can you bike over? Here's my address. Bring me a dick pill. And the gay guy was like, I'm at an orgy right now, but I'll come in the next hour. And so then we just sat in his apartment drunk.

[Ali]

Wait, how old was this guy who needed the dick pill?

[Ivy Wolk]

Like, 23. Zoomers move different. Really? It doesn't work. It really doesn't work. None of them.

[Ali]

Because everyone's, like, addicted to porn.

[Ivy Wolk]

And it's just, like, a weird generational malady.

[Kalila]

It's.

[Ivy Wolk]

It's very, very strange. It's like a confluence of many, many things, but.

[Dave]

Microphone sticks, probably. Maybe they're, like, nervous in front of a person.

[Ivy Wolk]

I think so. I think so. It's like Covid adolescence.

[Kalila]

There has to be something else, because that. It can't be. Everyone's nervous.

[Ivy Wolk]

But did guys have erectile dysfunction when you guys were first having sex? No. It's like, A new phenom. It's very, very strange. It's like. I think it's a mix of many different things. But anyway, so he messages the gay guy. The gay guy's like, I met an orgy. I'll come over later. So we're just, like, kind of sitting, waiting for this gay guy. And then the gay guy comes just, like, has the dick pills just loose in his hand. Riding a bicycle. Like, rides a bike up to the outside of this guy's apartment. We're waiting on the street. My pants are, like, half down. My hair is fucking a mess. My makeup is, like, smeared all over my face. I'm drunk as a skunk. And the gay guy just hands over a fistful of dick pills. This guy that I'm with takes all of them at once. Dry solos, like, four of them at once. And then the gay guy and him just start making out again. The second that the pills are down in his throat, I'm standing there like, yes, like, cheering and jumping up and down. People are walking by in the neighborhood, like, damn, white people used to not live here. This is crazy. Then we're like, okay, cool. That's. It'll be. Go upstairs. The second we get through his door again, we, like, climb up, like, four flights of stairs to get back to his apartment. The gay guy bikes off. The second we get back upstairs, the gay guy has somehow found his Venmo and has requested him, like, $30 on Venmo for the handful of pills. So the moral of the story, I guess, is being gay for attention is not enough. Money still needs to go in somebody's hand. You're always gonna have to pay for it.

[Ali]

So funny. Cause I'm like, man, I'm so. My life is. Life is crazy. I'm so wild. And then I'm like, I'm so boring.

[Ivy Wolk]

No, I'm boring now. I'm like, this is one of my only stories from, like, a time where I was, like, wild in a way that was, like, fun and interesting. I was wild in a way that was, like, depressing and dark for a long time.

[Dave]

But are you still in the situationship that you were speaking of last time?

[Ivy Wolk]

Yes. An older man.

[Ali]

How old?

[Ivy Wolk]

He's 38.

[Ali]

Okay.

[Ivy Wolk]

It's been going.

[Dave]

What's the latest? Are you. Are you getting anywhere with tricking and trapping or. Not really.

[Ivy Wolk]

I think I have trapped him because he just went on antidepressants. Ergo, he is not horny anymore. So I think that we're gonna stay monogamous for sure. We have been. But I think I really have locked him down because I've convinced him to chemically neuter himself. And I'm happy with that. I'm really happy with that.

[Kalila]

Yeah, that's a huge tip. Antidepressant. Yeah.

[Ivy Wolk]

Yeah. It's major. He's gonna be excited to go out. He's not gonna want to me or anybody else. It's a perfect arrangement.

[Ali]

I started antidepressants and I've gotten hornier.

[Sponsor/Announcer]

Really?

[Kalila]

Which one are you on?

[Ali]

Well, I think it's by adding. I was on. I was. I'm on Zoloft. But then we added Wellbutrin to the mix and I feel like that's really given me a little Wellbutrin yet.

[Ivy Wolk]

Doesn't affect. Affect sex drive. Zoloft definitely does for me.

[Kalila]

Hard.

[Ivy Wolk]

I couldn't like, same.

[Kalila]

I would nothing. Nothing. I would never get there. I would never finish nothing.

[Ali]

When I. I don't finish, period. So.

[Ivy Wolk]

Really?

[Kalila]

Ever?

[Ivy Wolk]

Me neither.

[Dave]

Usually.

[Ali]

Really?

[Dave]

Do you.

[Ivy Wolk]

Can you masturbate and come?

[Ali]

Yeah. No.

[Ivy Wolk]

No.

[Ali]

Yeah.

[Dave]

Oh, wait, I heard you talk about this years ago. Have you still never.

[Ali]

Yeah.

[Ivy Wolk]

You've never had an orgasm ever in your life?

[Ali]

No, I've had like one or two.

[Ivy Wolk]

Wow.

[Ali]

Yeah.

[Ivy Wolk]

How do you feel about that?

[Ali]

Fine. At this point, it's normal for me.

[Ivy Wolk]

Wow. I can't come from sex, but I can like enter a flow state masturbatorly and I can kind of lock in. But it's really like I've never been able to like, come in front of anybody else. Like, it truly is. When I'm masturbating and I'm focused on coming, it is like face down in the pillow, gay guy style. Like, there's a gay guy behind me just sort of like gooning in a kind of hypnotized flow state where it's like five to 10 minutes. It feels like I'm exorcising a demon for my soul. It's totally quiet. It's totally still. You wouldn't know that it was happening. And then I just move on with the rest of my day.

[Ali]

Hand or vibrator?

[Ivy Wolk]

Vibrator. Always hand. It's like, I've tried that. It just feels like I'm gonna give myself carpal tunnel.

[Ali]

Yeah.

[Ivy Wolk]

Because I am on the Zoloft and so I do need the robot's help. I need the robot's help. Unfortunately, yeah.

[Ali]

I feel Amish because I only recently started using a vibrator.

[Ivy Wolk]

How's it been for you?

[Ali]

Fine. But for a while it feels like riding a motorcycle, you know when, like, your hand starts getting itchy.

[Ivy Wolk]

Yeah.

[Ali]

Where I'm like, you can feel the.

[Ivy Wolk]

Heat through, like, the handle.

[Ali]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Ivy Wolk]

But I. I can't come from sex at all. Yeah, I don't really like sex for me is like, so take it or leave it. Like, it's kind of just like, I'll do it if I like the other person. It's like kind of a thing that I'm doing for them. But I don't really derive anything from it personally.

[Ali]

Yeah.

[Ivy Wolk]

And the Zoloft definitely doesn't help that. I mean, I was on for most of my from. From 10 to 18, I was on. My maximum dose at one point was 250 milligrams, just past the legal limit. Plus I was on this thing called Memantine, which is an inhibitor of the Zoloft, because that wasn't even enough for me because I was so fucking cracked out of my mind. Crazy. But Memantine, I was on like 20 milligrams. It's basically like, has like a ketamine, like structure, like effect in the body where it's like kind of like a sedative that you can function on. So not only was I on all of this so loft, but I was also like, basically every single day in my life just like sedated.

[Kalila]

Why were you. Why did you start at 10?

[Ali]

Britney Spears?

[Ivy Wolk]

I had. I have really bad OCD.

[Dave]

Yeah.

[Ivy Wolk]

Or I know, literally Britney. Britney boots. I am like 15 years old. I'm just like, met it out of my mind. So when all of my friends, like, discovering like, how to masturbate and how to fuck, I had absolutely no concept of that. I like, bought a vibrator when I was 15 with Trisha Paytas discount code from AdamandEve.com right. Because I was like, I have to figure this out because all my friends are losing their virginities. All my friends are talking about at school being like, I'm coming up, down, left, right and center. And I'm like. I was like, I have to get on this. I have to figure this out. So I bought like a little bullet vibrator that was like 20 bucks with a discount code. So it was like just super cheap piece of shit. Fucking vibrator broke immediately. The first night I used it not. I had no concept of sexuality. So I was like, I'm not gonna watch porn because that's not gonna do anything for me because I don't know what these people are doing to each other's bodies. It's Gonna scare me, right? I was like, I was like, I'm gonna find this like Looney Tunes esque and frightening. So I put on Anthony Jeselnik's special thoughts and prayers and I masturbated to it for the entire duration because of course my vagina was literally dead and null from this medication. And I didn't know then that like you can't really masturbate to a stand up comedy special, even if you think the comedian at the center of it is attractive. And so I like tried. And then the vibrator, it was on for so long that it broke in my hand and never worked ever again. And that was like the last time I ever tried that until I was an adult.

[Ali]

My first time masturbating was to Full House on Nick at night. See, it was just on and I was like, let's.

[Ivy Wolk]

Sometimes jokes get you there, right? Yeah, Sometimes the comedic timing and charisma gets you there.

[Dave]

Does anyone know what Elf on the Shelf is?

[Kalila]

I don't. I'm honestly embarrassing. Like, I don't know.

[Ivy Wolk]

Masturbate, Definitely.

[Kalila]

Wait, can someone explain how it works?

[Ali]

Oh, I know.

[Dave]

I knew you would.

[Ali]

I know everything.

[Dave]

Wholesome.

[Ali]

I'm tapped in. Yeah.

[Kalila]

She has siblings, a good family.

[Ali]

I've never done Elf on the shelf. It's just that my Tick Tock thinks I'm a single mom.

[Kalila]

So, like, you also have nieces and.

[Ali]

Nephews, but no one in my family does Elf on a Shelf Elf.

[Kalila]

Huh?

[Ali]

I truly learn everything from TikTok.

[Kalila]

Well, you know, I. It's on my Tick Tock algorithm. I still don't get it, so.

[Ali]

Well, how it started was you just like, from what I believe is that there's this little elf on a shelf and you put it on a shelf or somewhere and the whole point is like telling your kids, like, oh, you can't. Like you can't actually, I don't know as much as I thought. I think like, you can't. There's something you can do like. Like you have. Like the parents can't see the elf or something. You can't touch it.

[Ivy Wolk]

Why can't you touch it?

[Kalila]

So it's a popular where a magical scout elf from Santa visits home from December, observing children's behavior and reporting back to Santa. Okay.

[Ali]

Yeah. So it's like if you do something bad, you're like, the elf saw you.

[Kalila]

You can't touch it, but they can talk to it. It moves to new spots daily, delighting children.

[Ali]

But then like parents got so crazy and wild and they're like, the elf drew a mustache on your face when you were sleeping.

[Dave]

Wait. Sorry, guys. I have to do some pelvic stretches, some squats.

[Ali]

Yeah, could you. What if you're on the pod? What if you started going into labor?

[Dave]

Can give.

[Kalila]

I could catch it.

[Ali]

I've been. I've been there for three of my sister. For all of my sister's births. Like, in the room. Yeah, that's what I'm ready.

[Ivy Wolk]

Have you ever delivered a baby? Well, you've had a baby, but have you ever delivered somebody else's?

[Kalila]

Yeah. Because I went to nursing school, so I had my labor and delivery rotation, and you had to be there for C section and baby catches, and it was really nice.

[Ivy Wolk]

Yeah.

[Kalila]

Long Beach, Cal State Long Beach.

[Ivy Wolk]

In seventh grade, they made us watch a birth video in health class. This boy named Vance ran out of the class throwing up. She had the biggest fucking bush of all time. So. Sick, dude.

[Ali]

Yeah.

[Ivy Wolk]

Changed the rest of my life. I was like, is it the same video?

[Ali]

Yeah. Probably 80s or something.

[Ivy Wolk]

Yeah. It was like an old, nasty quality, like, two pixel video. And this boy named Vance, like, started throwing up and had to run out of the class.

[Dave]

Still don't know what Elf on the Shelf is.

[Kalila]

Yeah.

[Dave]

But I feel like I'm never gonna know.

[Kalila]

I feel like that's not really fun for a kid to be, like, there.

[Ali]

Love it.

[Kalila]

Every day it's in a new spot.

[Ivy Wolk]

It's so Catholic, though. It feels so Catholic. It's like somebody's watching you feel bad about it.

[Ali]

It feels like something you do if your dad's like, an absent father. Like, it's something for, like, the mom to really.

[Ivy Wolk]

Right. Because the elf is. The elf is a boy. And it's like, see, there's a guy here.

[Ali]

The dad's kind of absent, and the mom's like, we gotta bring joy to this family.

[Ivy Wolk]

Right.

[Ali]

You know?

[Kalila]

Like, I feel like it's fun if every day you're like, now we find the elf. Like. Like a treasure hunt.

[Dave]

Yeah.

[Ivy Wolk]

Yeah.

[Kalila]

I don't know.

[Ivy Wolk]

Something like that. Or if it's like an obvious spot.

[Ali]

It's kind of obvious.

[Kalila]

Oh.

[Ali]

And I feel like now it's gotten to the point where it's, like, so much hijinks, where it's like, not. It's not even Elf on the Shelf. It's like elf in the toilet. And it just. It, like, it's always something crazy. Yeah. It'll, like, literally, they'll have, like, Hershey's Kisses next to the elf. And it'll be like, Oops. I got into some. I got into your Christmas cookies. Like the elf. They're making it do weird stuff.

[Ivy Wolk]

I grew up, like, Jewish, so this is like. We never did anything.

[Kalila]

Like, Christmas is demonic.

[Ivy Wolk]

Yeah. We just never did anything like this. So it's. I've heard about it, like, from the Internet, but. But I guess none of us have experienced elf in the shop.

[Kalila]

I want to propose something to you guys because this still happens in the Philippines and I feel like it's so wholesome and it's a lost art form. Would you be down to go caroling?

[Ali]

Yes.

[Ivy Wolk]

Yes, you would? I think I. I went caroling in middle school. I was in like a choir and we went caroling and it was so much fun.

[Dave]

Years ago, we got carolers at our door and Dave was like. Like, he was like shaking. He was so afraid. He didn't know what to. I was like, don't worry. Like, I'll handle it. Like, he was just so uncomfortable and.

[Ali]

Acting like it's Mormons, like, trying to sell you something.

[Dave]

He was. He's so scared of Christmas. But the carolers, like, got to him. I really felt like a hero.

[Kalila]

Were they in, like, the very front of your home or just on the curb?

[Dave]

They came up to the door.

[Kalila]

Okay, that's too much. Maybe just like, you know, stay. Stand back a little.

[Ivy Wolk]

I feel like on the curb is more haunting cuz it's like you hear.

[Ali]

So far away, like.

[Ivy Wolk]

That seems a lot scarier. At least when they're coming to the door, you're being sort of conf. You know what's happening.

[Ali]

I think there's something beautiful about being a caroler and there's something horrific about watching a caroler.

[Ivy Wolk]

Being Carol 2 must be frightening. I've never been Carol too, but Carol.

[Kalila]

2 is so special, I promise you.

[Ali]

I have like main character syndrome. So I'm like, I don't want to see anyone else perform. If carolers came to my door, I'd just start chiming in. You know, I'd be like, where are.

[Dave]

You guys off to next?

[Ali]

Can I do solo, Please?

[Ivy Wolk]

This is a big thing in the Philippines.

[Kalila]

Huge.

[Ali]

Yeah.

[Kalila]

And even if you're even on the.

[Ali]

Show, you know, is known to be like, incredible singers.

[Kalila]

Yeah, I think that's probably it too. It's like, I think the four of us caroling is. We're.

[Dave]

Yeah.

[Ivy Wolk]

$0.

[Kalila]

I think so. I think it's wholesome. I don't. Here's why I don't think you should approach a door ever is because people are Trigger happy. I don't want to get shot on someone's lawn.

[Ivy Wolk]

Right.

[Ali]

I.

[Kalila]

You know, I'm not the brownest girl, but I'm brown enough in the dark to be like. That's a.

[Ali]

But also, it's like carolers are wearing, like, top hats and, like, sweaters.

[Sponsor/Announcer]

You're right.

[Ali]

Reindeer ears. There's, like, a gaggle of them.

[Dave]

Who's that? Like, male singer, rapper, that.

[Kalila]

You look like Takashi.

[Dave]

Yeah, you should just like Takashi.

[Ivy Wolk]

Six, nine.

[Kalila]

Yeah, we have the same. See, I see it.

[Dave]

I do. Thank you.

[Kalila]

What I. What did I say earlier?

[Dave]

That one you get. I see that. Thank you. I see that one loud and clear.

[Kalila]

I think I just archived that poster, which I shouldn't have, because I really feel like that I. I. Takashi.

[Dave]

Yeah.

[Kalila]

We are related.

[Ali]

One time I dyed my hair rainbow, and I looked like Takashi, but only because of the hair.

[Ivy Wolk]

Kalila got that Fifi.

[Kalila]

I got that Fifi.

[Ali]

What's your guys's favorite Christmas song? Like, which song makes you feel like.

[Dave]

Yes.

[Kalila]

I don't feel. Yes. I feel like I'm gonna burst into tears. And it's Ray Conniff, Christmas Bride. It's about a Christmas wedding, but. But it's the melody and the sound of it all.

[Ali]

Yeah.

[Kalila]

It's a little bit more obscure, but if I hear it, I will burst into tears. What's yours?

[Ali]

I like simply having a wonderful Christmas time. They put, like, crack in that song. It feels like it's just like. Yes, Yes.

[Ivy Wolk]

I love it. I don't know if I have one.

[Kalila]

What about. What about the name? Some. Maybe Charlie Brown one. That's more just the.

[Ivy Wolk]

Like, the music, you guys. Okay. That one's.

[Dave]

Poor Jewish girl alone.

[Ivy Wolk]

I know. Like, I don't.

[Dave]

It's hard for her.

[Ivy Wolk]

These were all, like, references that were, like, peripheral to me. I was. I was lighting the damn. I was lighting the damn.

[Dave]

You're like, Dave. You guys are just scared of Christmas.

[Ivy Wolk]

Did you grow up Jewish?

[Dave]

I grew up half, so we did both.

[Ivy Wolk]

And Dave is full Jewish.

[Dave]

He's a full. Yeah, my. I love the Kelly Clarkson Christmas album.

[Ali]

Whoa.

[Dave]

Liliana Lewis Christmas single.

[Kalila]

Ms. Leona Lewis.

[Ivy Wolk]

Ariana Grande has a good Christmas EP from, like, 10 years ago. Yes, I would say that, actually.

[Kalila]

She's really good.

[Ivy Wolk]

Yeah, she's really good.

[Kalila]

That is one of our questions.

[Ali]

We had some more holiday sort of hot take.

[Dave]

Let's get into it.

[Ali]

Yeah.

[Ivy Wolk]

First one, Hallmark movies.

[Kalila]

I think Chris. Love. Me too.

[Ivy Wolk]

Love. Just like. I mean, right now, like, I'm under contract with Lifetime to write a Lifetime movie. And so this entire. It's about like a femcel who finds a trad wife influencer that looks exactly like her. And she. You're so flexible. She finds a trad wife influencer who looks exactly like her and she kidnaps her and takes over her house and starts making videos on her account and fucks her husband likes this. Yeah, it's like one of their classic, like domestic thrillers that they like used to do.

[Kalila]

That's right. That's right.

[Ivy Wolk]

Cuz all their movies used to be like, woman gets raped and murdered in a basement. What's going on there? You know? And so we're trying to bring that style back. But that whole like Lifetime Hallmark world is all like very correlated and I'm down. I mean it like gives jobs to like low be screenwriters and it. They pay well. So I support.

[Ali]

I like them as like background. Like whenever, like in December, if I have a friend coming over and we're gonna like hang out and chat, what's on my TV is a Hallmark Christmas movie in the background. Something where the volume is not on, but you can occasionally glance and be like, wow, that's cute for vibes. Yeah, it's a good vibe.

[Ivy Wolk]

It's always a woman with like blonde balayage, like barrel curls and she's wearing a beanie with a. Yes, she's wearing a beanie with a little bobble on top and she's smiling at a snowman and. And it's always very sweet.

[Kalila]

I support Hallmark movies. The cheesier, the worse, the. The better, I think.

[Ivy Wolk]

Yes.

[Ali]

It's also like there's so many movies to ch. I have like movie paralysis. Like I never know what to pick. And I feel like you can't go wrong with any Hallmark movie. Like, it's not like there's going to be the best of them. It's like you can just pick one and be like, okay, they're easy.

[Ivy Wolk]

But it's not my go to.

[Ali]

All right.

[Ivy Wolk]

Matching family Christmas pajamas.

[Ali]

Yes.

[Dave]

Even though I have a Jewish husband, I did this to him last year and I'm so grateful and I want to do it again this year.

[Ivy Wolk]

I've never done this.

[Kalila]

I think it's cute we do it.

[Ali]

In my family and it's. It's really. It looks so psycho, but I do love it.

[Dave]

I wish I was matching with my baby more often, actually.

[Ali]

Yeah.

[Ivy Wolk]

I think I had my first Christmas when I was maybe 10 because my mom's exactly. Was not Jewish and so we Used to do Christmas at his house, but I don't remember ever wearing anything matching. I don't think we were that coordinated.

[Ali]

My boyfriend got together in November and he got invited to Christmas with my family that first month we were dating. Whoa.

[Ivy Wolk]

How did it go?

[Ali]

It went great. But he had to wear matching pajamas with everyone.

[Dave]

That's awesome.

[Ali]

And he was, I guess like calling his friend being like, like what do I do? Like they want me to wear matching pajamas. Just do it. No, cuz he's also Jewish and he's like, I've never done that. He was very confused. And like guys in like the pajamas that we get, like their junk is like a little bit too exposed. Like the pants never fit men correctly in those like matching sets. And so it's like my dad, my like brother in laws, my boyfriend, like you can just see there's too much happening.

[Ivy Wolk]

Challenge material.

[Ali]

It's foul.

[Dave]

Kyla, what's happening to me?

[Kalila]

You just. Sugar is crashing.

[Dave]

My low blood pressure.

[Kalila]

I'll, I'll buy the glucometer and I'll take your sugar. I'll get it, but please bring it with you. I'm really curious to see because that'll give you something more definitive to work with. Right? Because it's like, okay, if you're feeling this way, you're hypoglycemic, then you're not gonna, you know, wonder. You're just gonna drink, eat a bar, drink some orange juice and then you'll be fine.

[Dave]

Sorry.

[Kalila]

Absolutely.

[Dave]

You can keep this, this conversation in. Let's let the people know how hard I'm fighting to be here. I know, I'm sorry.

[Kalila]

How are you feeling now?

[Dave]

I'm embarrassed in front of the young girl.

[Ivy Wolk]

You're pregnant. I want to get life.

[Kalila]

How are you? How are you feeling now?

[Dave]

Like, still not great. But I feel like maybe a little slowly coming back.

[Kalila]

Okay. I wish you'd eat a banana. I wish you'd eat.

[Dave]

Why banana?

[Ali]

Because I feel like it has potassium.

[Kalila]

It's more like complex carbs. It's not as like it is sugary, but it's just enough.

[Dave]

Okay.

[Kalila]

That it won't.

[Dave]

I will.

[Kalila]

Look at her. Yes.

[Ivy Wolk]

Warrior. They're not that ripe. So it kind of tastes like nothing and you can just pretend it's nothing.

[Ali]

I think bananas are fake.

[Kalila]

In what way? I think it's like 3D printed those particular ones. And again I'm going to go down the banana rabbit hole. Explanation. But the reason why it's so fun, the banana industry is that we have Basically created one type of banana, which is the Cavendish. And that's a Cavendish because they have good shelf life. They look nice on the shelves for a really long time. But the reality is we have wiped out the variety in our bananas. And there is one particular fungus that basically kills banana farms.

[Ali]

Yeah.

[Kalila]

And like acres and acres at one time. So if we are down to one variety and that particular fungus takes over Cavendish, we will be a world without bananas.

[Ali]

You know when you see.

[Dave]

Like she's a conspiracy theorist.

[Kalila]

I'm not. I swear to God. Because I grew up in a country where we have 50 kinds of bananas.

[Ivy Wolk]

Holy.

[Kalila]

And it is so good. We have red banana. We have tongdan, we have red banana.

[Ivy Wolk]

Like applash on the outside is red. Yes.

[Kalila]

Apple banana. We have so many kinds. And so it's like. It's heartbreaking for me that this is the only option because we're really. Our banana system here.

[Ivy Wolk]

Do they still have 50 kinds of bananas in the Philippines?

[Kalila]

They do, yeah.

[Ivy Wolk]

But in America, this is like the only.

[Kalila]

But what's happening is that a lot of these big conglomerates, these fucking Chiquita bananas or whatever, they are now taking over, like banana farms in the Philippines. And they are preferring to make Cavendish bananas because they just. They age well. You know, they don't go brown on the shelves very fast. And those bananas do. Even though when they go brown, they're still delicious and usable. They're just not pretty.

[Ivy Wolk]

What's your favorite kind of banana?

[Kalila]

I would say this one called dongdan. And it's kind of like an apple banana. I want to look up small. It's small like this with really white one white meat.

[Ivy Wolk]

Oh, these? Yes. Where they're kind of like pear shaped. They're like oblong.

[Kalila]

Yeah.

[Ali]

I have like a tree outside of my.

[Kalila]

Can I come over house that I.

[Ali]

Think has one of these.

[Kalila]

Oh, I will absolutely. Harvest.

[Dave]

You live in your tree.

[Kalila]

Can I live right behind.

[Ali]

There was a bat in my driveway the other day.

[Dave]

Oh, that's exciting.

[Kalila]

I love bats. They're the cutest.

[Ivy Wolk]

Were you scared?

[Ali]

Yeah, I was scared because you don't know its next move.

[Ivy Wolk]

A coyote followed my mom down our block the other day.

[Kalila]

They have been. They've been a little bit.

[Ali]

Little bit.

[Kalila]

They're looking for water. They're thirsty. They're hungry this year.

[Ivy Wolk]

Crazy.

[Kalila]

I know.

[Ivy Wolk]

We just followed my mom and her dog like three blocks.

[Kalila]

There's one that bit like three kids at a mall outside of a mall.

[Ivy Wolk]

Coyote. Coyote.

[Kalila]

Yeah. I swear it was like two weeks ago. And I swear I think it's because between, like, loss of habitat from the fires and everything, they're just really going through it, guys, let's forgive them. It's hard.

[Dave]

It's complicated because they're so cute. But, like, they would kill my dog.

[Kalila]

See, at the Westfield Mall.

[Ivy Wolk]

Oh, my God. God. And they euthanized it. I guess that makes sense. It bit the kids. Were the kids okay?

[Kalila]

I think so. They probably. They had to use and euthanize it to make sure it's not rabid.

[Ivy Wolk]

A lot of stuff happens at a Westfield Mall. Nothing good has really ever happened to any of the Westfield Malls, at least not to me. You love. You love the Westfield Mall.

[Dave]

Well, just the one in my hometown.

[Ivy Wolk]

There's a Westfield Mall in Illinois.

[Dave]

Old Orchard. The first outdoor mall in the. In the country.

[Ali]

Wow. Wow. A little bit of history.

[Dave]

So know your stuff.

[Ivy Wolk]

You, Lisa, and the Westfield Mall are the best exports of Skokie.

[Dave]

Thank you so much.

[Ivy Wolk]

Potentially the only exports of Skokie.

[Dave]

Yes. Lisa Trager. We went to the same everything school.

[Kalila]

What's the next one after this?

[Ivy Wolk]

White elephant.

[Kalila]

Elephant. Okay. Do you guys ever play this?

[Ivy Wolk]

This is the same as Secret Santa. No, right?

[Kalila]

No, it's not. You bring. So basically, it's like if you're going to, like, a friend's Christmas party and you bring a gift, and you basically fight for that gift.

[Ivy Wolk]

Is it like when you trade, like, somebody's like, I will take that, and then you have to give this person.

[Ali]

Yeah. In order, you, like, unwrap a random gift, you pick one, you all get a number, and then in that order, you pick one random gift, you open it, and then the next person can either steal that gift or pick a new wrapped gift.

[Ivy Wolk]

We played this in my fifth grade class, and there was, like, the teacher's assistant was, like, this old lady who really had it out for me, and she would tell me that she, like, hated my outfit, and she would be like, I wish that it was legal to hit you, because I would. I would hit you right now. What? She told me that every day she'd be like, I just want to hit you. Like, I really want to hit you. And we were all like, our class with the teacher and the teacher's assistant. We were playing a white elephant game, and I received something that, like, I kind of wanted that would have been, like, useful to my life. I don't remember what it was. And this teacher's assistant who wanted to hit me, probably. Yeah. This teacher's assistant who was just, like, standing right next to me. Immediately, see, seized my gift and then didn't make any other swaps for like the entire rest of the game. Like, and nobody swapped with her because they were like, I'm gonna get in trouble for that.

[Ali]

I feel like there's a theme that, like older women or like older people really have beef with you.

[Ivy Wolk]

No, it's just that they all want to hit me.

[Ali]

But this 33 year old woman, this.

[Ivy Wolk]

Teacher'S assistant, yeah, it's been a pattern my entire life. But she like seized my gift. I can't remember what it was. I think it was like a book of crossword puzzles or like Sudoku was something that I wanted and she seized it. Nobody else traded with her because she had more power and so they were like worried too. And then the thing I ended up with was like a backpack that had like a Disney character on it. And I like didn't want it. And so then I just like gave it to like a kindergartner that was like on campus. But that was my only experience ever playing White Elephant and I didn't like it. I find the game, I find it stressful. I find it too competitive. I find it tense.

[Kalila]

I think the way we do it in our family is way better. We do this thing called Christmas Bonanza. I. If I'm appointed the gift giver that year, I buy everything from a Traeger grill to I'll wrap a box of rocks. Like really just like nothing gifts to like the top tier gift. And if we're 12 people, 12 people each choose like a, a wrap gift and they open it one by one and then you can compete for that. So let's, let's suppose you open a box of rocks, but then someone had already opened the Traeger grill. You can we do Kai Bible. It's Korean. What do you call it? Rock Paper Scissors. But you do it with your body and you fight for that Traeger grill. And if you win, then that person gets the box of rocks and you get the trigger grill. So it's very, it's very violence.

[Ivy Wolk]

I don't like games. I'm just really somebody that's. I've never, I've never liked games. I think the only game that I can tolerate is Uno. And even then I get kind of confused on the rules because the cards are like all different colors and I find it confusing in the numbers and everything. It fucks me up. I don't really like games. I'm not a competitive person. Competition really frightens me because it's like if we're not winning money or if this isn't going to change our lives in any real way, I don't see.

[Kalila]

A point in it saying Merry Christmas versus Happy Holidays.

[Ali]

Merry Christmas. Fuck. Happy Holidays.

[Ivy Wolk]

Merry Christmas.

[Ali]

I guess it's just, it's classic. It's like, you know, it's, that's. I feel like, you know how, you know people are like, can I say guys? If there's like non binary people, it's like Merry Christmas is like gender neutral for the holidays. Like it doesn't mean like Jesus Christ. God bless. I feel like Merry Christmas could even mean Happy Hanukkah.

[Kalila]

There's Christ in mus.

[Ali]

What?

[Kalila]

There's Christ?

[Ali]

Yeah. You know, I just feel like Merry Christmas. It's general.

[Kalila]

Yeah, I don't really give a. And I'm, I'm from some like nation.

[Ali]

I'd say Merry Christmas to mean Happy Hanukkah. I feel like it's all the same.

[Ivy Wolk]

I mean Happy Holidays is alliterative, which is nice. Yeah, Merry Christmas isn't. So I guess it just depends what rolls off the tongue better.

[Kalila]

Yeah, if someone said Happy Hanukkah to me, I'd be equally thrilled. Thank you.

[Ivy Wolk]

Yeah, thank you.

[Ali]

That's sweet.

[Ivy Wolk]

That's wishing you eight good days instead of just one good day.

[Kalila]

I know, I know.

[Ivy Wolk]

Christmas is one day, Hanukkah's eight. It's wishing you you a week and a day of joy. What about going on vacation versus staying home? I love a Christmas vacation. Last Christmas time my mom and I went to Italy and it was really wonderful and we spent Christmas in Italy. We like didn't do anything Christmassy or anything but just like our holiday break trip was, we went all over Italy and it was wonderful and it's great cuz I had time off of work, she had time off of work and so we got to go somewhere. I can sit at the house anytime.

[Ali]

Yeah, I think like the older I get, the more I'm like, oh, I'd rather do vacation. Because I don't know, like we used to do Christmas at home, which was really special. But then it's like as my parents got older, it's like the house got raggedy, my dad got a roommate. I'm like, why is Brandon at Christmas like hiding in his room? And now we do it at like my sister's in laws which is like not at home. So it's like kind of vacation but not really. And I'm like, I would rather just like get out and do something on kind of on My own. But I don't want to be like the black sheep of the family. But I do think it would be nice to do Christmas away.

[Ivy Wolk]

I like it better than that, cuz. Yeah, you get put in awkward situations on holidays with like, peripheral family members or like, like. So my. My grandma, grandpa died last year and he had a wife who's like, younger, and they have two daughters who are my aunts who are 19. And they're Vietnamese, so their entire side of the family is Vietnamese. So my mom and I are there and they're like, totally lovely and we love them and we spent like all of the holidays, like my whole life with them. But then they have this like big Vietnamese family whom my mother and I are not related to whatsoever. So like, the only blood related people to me me at Thanksgiving out of like 40 people are my mom's sisters and my mom. And so then I'm just like, with it always just kind of feels like I'm interloping on another family a little bit. Especially because, like, some of them prefer not to speak in English and they speak in Vietnamese and so I can't communicate with them that way. And it's just like stuff like that where it feels a little tense and awkward, even though, like, they're all lovely and wonderful, but it's like I don't really have. Have a whole family that's like my own that I can do any holidays with. And so when my mom and I go on like a road trip or fly somewhere on a holiday break, it's nice because she's the person in my family that I'm closest to. She's pretty much, yeah, like the closest thing that I have to real family. And so she and I just have such a tight bond that it's nice to spend the holidays with somebody that, like, really knows you.

[Kalila]

I would say. Christmas in the United States is really tough. And the sadness that I felt having spent all of my childhood Christmases in the Philippines and then all of a sudden having this nuclear setup here where it was just my mom, my dad, my dying dad, and my sister felt so utterly lonely.

[Ivy Wolk]

Yeah.

[Kalila]

That it kind of really messed up the holidays as an adult for a long time. But now that I have a baby, I'm excited all over again where I'm like, oh, I can. Could do fun things and be a kid again and do things that he might enjoy. So I'm entered a new season of like, okay, this is starting to get fun again. But I'm telling you guys, like American Christmases. For me, are so utterly depressing compared to how fun it is back home. And I used to fly back home for the holidays to the Philippines because it just feels so, like, communal and fun. And even if it's extended family, even if it is peripheral family, family, like, the belief there is, like, who gives a. Let's just party it up as a neighborhood or as a village or this. Like, it's so warm and welcoming over here. It is very, like, separate, right? There's a lot of separate.

[Ivy Wolk]

Yeah, you do everything in the house. And there's. Everybody is sort of sequestered to their own homes and their own families. And. And there's a lot of formalities. Nothing really melds. Yeah. And there's a lot of formality.

[Kalila]

Yeah. And there's a lot of, like, weirdness around, like, just.

[Ivy Wolk]

Even.

[Kalila]

Even, like, socially, it's different here. There's. There's a lot. There are a lot of rules as to how to behave back home. Like, nobody gives a. You're just eating together.

[Ali]

I feel like Mexican families have, like, really big fun.

[Kalila]

Yes. Yes.

[Ali]

And I feel like, yeah, like, white Christmas is very sterile and bland. And it's, like, more about the aesthetic than, like, the celebration.

[Kalila]

And the celebration. Yeah.

[Ivy Wolk]

Also, white people, like, don't love God the way they. That Mexicans.

[Kalila]

It's true. And you're so right about this because the. Philip. In the Philippines, Christmas starts in July. Like, the Christmas trees go up in the mall. Everyone. Mariah Carey is blaring. And it is such. It's our, like, super bowl. Right. So we take it really seriously. So it's like. And there's midnight Mass, and while I'm not, like, religious in any way, there is a feeling of seeing people, like, walk and, like, the memory of everyone just being up at midnight, even the kids, because it's like, oh, what are we all doing here? It's midnight, and then we're doing this thing, and who cares if we're there for Jesus or not? But it was nice to be up that way. And so, yeah, I miss it back home. And I. I am not a fan of my American Christmases.

[Ivy Wolk]

When was the last time you were in the Philippines?

[Kalila]

Three years ago. I used to go back every year.

[Ivy Wolk]

Have you brought your baby back to the Philippines?

[Kalila]

Not yet. And I am really trying hard to tackle my. My anxiety. Anxiety around it because I feel as though, like, he'd have so much fun and I'd have so much help back home. I just. I'm just, like, a really, like, anxious mess right now. And the thought of just like traveling or doing anything difficult like, freaks me out.

[Ivy Wolk]

The Philippines will always be there.

[Kalila]

I know.

[Ivy Wolk]

It's not gonna fall into the sea.

[Kalila]

I know. I wish I could take everyone there. I know.

[Ivy Wolk]

It's a. I want to go to the Philippines. I love karaoke.

[Ali]

Yeah.

[Kalila]

Oh my God.

[Ivy Wolk]

I love karaoke.

[Kalila]

My kid is just learning.

[Ivy Wolk]

And I love gay guys. And I feel like boys in the Philippines are gay as we do.

[Kalila]

Gay on steroids there. Like it's. I'm. I'm sure you've seen it on Tik Tok and stuff. Like it is such a sport.

[Ali]

Seen it on 90 Day Fiance.

[Kalila]

Beyond that, look at. We have like basketball games, like just local basketball games where it's a gay basketball game. It's not just a basketball game. Like they have to shoot a certain way way. They have to lay up a certain way. They have to rebound. Everything is. It's. It's gay basketball.

[Ivy Wolk]

Drag in the Philippines is so fascinating.

[Kalila]

It's the best. It's the best. Nothing beats drag in the Philippines. So yeah, I'd love to take everyone back home and experience Christmas there. Cuz it's on a different level.

[Ivy Wolk]

Next year we're all out.

[Kalila]

Okay. And then we'll go caroling.

[Ali]

Yeah.

[Dave]

Yeah.

[Kalila]

Thanks guys. Thanks for saying yes. I'm gonna hold everyone to it.

[Ivy Wolk]

Slow down.

[Kalila]

I go scuba dive.

[Ali]

Okay.

[Kalila]

What do we. What else?

[Ivy Wolk]

How do you guys feel about it?

[Kalila]

An eggnog.

[Ivy Wolk]

I've never had it. No, I've never had it. Oh God.

[Kalila]

What is it?

[Ali]

I don't think I've ever had it. If I had, I took a tiny sip and I'm against it. I don't even want to go near it.

[Ivy Wolk]

It's like eggs and milk.

[Ali]

It's like a thick. Yeah. Like.

[Kalila]

And is it. Is there mint in it or something?

[Ali]

I don't think so.

[Kalila]

I love egg. I love tapioca. I love all the separates here, the ingredients. But like just the. There's. Maybe I tasted the wrong eggnog.

[Ivy Wolk]

Eggs, cream flavorings, often with alcohol.

[Kalila]

We have the.

[Ivy Wolk]

Ever had this in my life, you.

[Ali]

Know, maybe I'm going to have to give it another go because I do love like a thick, nasty substance.

[Kalila]

It might be similar to like horchata, which is. I love orchard.

[Ali]

Yeah.

[Ivy Wolk]

Yeah. It's too come. Like it's. It's too semen esque for me. New Year's Eve in Times Square.

[Kalila]

Oh God, that sounds like a nightmare.

[Ivy Wolk]

I don't think I've been to Times Square on New Year's I've, like, never seen the ball drop or anything, like, in person. Usually on New Year's. This New Year's, I'm seeing Louie on New Year's Eve, so I'm excited for that. At the King's Theater in Flatbush in Brooklyn, I'm really excited. Usually on New Year's, I'm just party hopping, and then it always ends up being lame. I've never had a New Year's kiss, and so everybody's making out and I'm always kind of just standing there like a fucking idiot. So New Year's never ends up being fun or monumental for me. Maybe if I had something like a planned event in Times Square, I'd be happier. But also, Times Square is such a zoo do, and I can kind of go there anytime, so the novelty is really worn off.

[Ali]

I do feel like it is iconic. I think it would be stressful being surrounded by that many people and everyone pissing in diapers.

[Ivy Wolk]

Yes.

[Ali]

I love watching it on television, but I feel the same way where I'm like, there's always this, like, pressure and expectation for New Year's where, like, you know, who's gonna kiss me? And then it's like, now I have a boyfriend, and that's not it, like, exciting to, like, get a boyfriend kiss on the.

[Kalila]

Yeah, it's either. It's got to be like, a crush. And that's the first time you're kissing. Because kissing a significant other in New Year's is so anticlimactic. There's nothing special about it. You're like, all right.

[Ivy Wolk]

The only New Year's kiss I've ever had was, like, a girl that I knew in high school kissed me on the cheek. But we, like, all of, like, the girls that didn't have, like, kisses were like, oh, that's okay. And it just, like, really felt like rubbing salt in the wound. And, like, I was. Was, like, looking around after that. Like, horrible. Like, just barely grazed my skin. Peck. Like, kind of just like craning my head around to the rest of the party and everybody's just, like, fingering each other. And it was just, like, just really, really hurt my feelings. I don't remember what I did last New Year's. I actually have, literally no. Oh, I went to, like, a, like, a gay bar party. So then, of course, like, it was really fun. But then, you know, of course I'm not gonna have a kiss because then it's just like, all the gay guys are just making out with each other.

[Dave]

Other.

[Ivy Wolk]

So you know, I'd have a kiss there.

[Kalila]

A gay guy would come for my big back.

[Ivy Wolk]

You'd have a kiss there. But I didn't. I sadly did not have a kiss there.

[Ali]

I feel like I've just started doing shows on New Year's. So like, last year, I think, or two years ago, I was in Denver, and then this year I'm going to be in Portland. And so it's like, okay, now I have something to do and, like, other losers to celebrate with. If you're going to a comedy show.

[Ivy Wolk]

On New Year's Eve, you don't have a kiss.

[Kalila]

Yeah.

[Ivy Wolk]

You don't have a kid, definitely.

[Ali]

So I get to be. Be your kiss now.

[Ivy Wolk]

Wow, that's beautiful.

[Ali]

Yeah. Me and Louie.

[Ivy Wolk]

Yeah. Yeah. I'm excited to see Louie. I'm gonna clap and cheer.

[Ali]

Yeah.

[Kalila]

This will be the last one.

[Ali]

Okay. Real or fake Christmas? Real.

[Ivy Wolk]

Real.

[Kalila]

Yeah, real.

[Ivy Wolk]

They smell so much better.

[Ali]

Smell good.

[Kalila]

I will say that I have opted for a fake one this year just because my baby has eczema. And you know how if you get your tree too early, it builds up the fungus and the spores and we all have allergies, so. And it doesn't feel the same, but I did get a real wreath. So I inhale that I deeply before I walk in the door.

[Ali]

I think, like, fake trees can be really beautiful and, like, they're easy set up and whatever. And, like, you can really get glamorous with a fake tree, but real is just magical.

[Kalila]

Yeah, it is magical.

[Ivy Wolk]

I love a real tree covered in like. Like a. Like an artificial color.

[Kalila]

Like a flock when they flock it. Yeah, like a funny.

[Ivy Wolk]

You gotta go to, like, South LA to get those. Like, so funny and tacky. I think those are so awesome.

[Ali]

Thanks for watching Sluggies. Like, Comment. Subscribe. Merry Christmas. Happy Hanukkah.

[Ivy Wolk]

We have a live show on the 28th of June.

[Kalila]

Oh, yeah. At the Comedy Store, January 20th. Are you guys gonna come?

[Ali]

I don't know.

[Ivy Wolk]

I might be here again.

[Kalila]

Will you?

[Ivy Wolk]

Yeah.

[Kalila]

Oh, my God. Will you be part of the show?

[Ivy Wolk]

I hope so. If I'm there, yes, absolutely.

[Dave]

Awesome.

[Ali]

January 28th.

[Kalila]

Yeah. January 28th, Comedy Store. Get your ticket at the Link and we'll see you guys next week. Thank you, Ivy. Thank you, Ali.

[Ali]

How do you say bye in Filipino?

[Kalila]

Bye.

[Ali]

Filipino. Tagalog. Is it Tagalog?

[Kalila]

Yeah, Tagalog.

[Dave]

Yeah.

[Kalila]

Just bye.

[Dave]

Bye.

[Kalila]

Bye.

[Dave]

It.