Caroline Goldfarb is Our Sugar High

Summary

Trash Tuesday Episode Summary: "Caroline Goldfarb is Our Sugar High"

Release Date: October 29, 2024

In this vibrant and candid episode of "Trash Tuesday," hosts Esther Povitsky and Khalyla Kuhn engage with guest Caroline Goldfarb as they delve into a myriad of topics ranging from avocado tree adventures to quirky dessert preferences. The conversation is peppered with humor, personal anecdotes, and insightful takes on everyday challenges. Below is a detailed summary of the key discussions, complete with notable quotes and timestamps to capture the essence of the episode.

---

I. Avocado Tree Adventures

The episode kicks off with a playful discussion about acquiring avocado trees. Esther proposes an unconventional method:

• Esther Povitsky [00:00]: "Do you want an avocado tree?"

• Caroline Goldfarb [00:01]: "Yes."

• Esther [00:01]: "I'll get you one. It's free here. We just have to dig it out ourselves."

The hosts express excitement about sourcing avocado trees from Facebook Marketplace, highlighting the unconventional yet eco-friendly approach to gardening. They humorously consider the logistics of transporting and planting these trees, with Caroline lightheartedly stating her willingness to "bury a body" for an avocado treat, emphasizing the lengths they'll go to for their green endeavors.

---

II. IKEA Insights and Hacks

A significant portion of the episode is dedicated to their shared love for IKEA. The hosts dissect the store’s offerings beyond the typical furniture, uncovering hidden gems and practical hacks:

• Esther [02:37]: "I bought suction brackets from there. There's a whole aisle of just things that you can stick on your kitchen tile."

• Kalila Kuhn [03:13]: "IKEA is so much more than just furniture. It's home goods, home accessories, good linens, towels."

They discuss the enduring quality of IKEA products, notably Esther’s long-lasting IKEA knife:

• Esther [03:26]: "The longest lasting knife that I've ever owned was from IKEA 2009. I still have that knife. I've never had to sharpen it once."

Kalila adds her own IKEA experiences, emphasizing the importance of research to uncover quality items at affordable prices:

• Kalila [04:08]: "I have to know what you're doing. You cannot go in blind. Like linens, for example. IKEA makes 100% linen curtains in gorgeous colors at a third of the price of the next cheapest."

The conversation extends to practical tips for navigating IKEA, such as bypassing the showroom to conserve energy for the expansive marketplace section:

• Kalila [06:43]: "Skip the showroom. There's nothing I need to see there."

They also share humorous anecdotes about overusing IKEA products and their strategic approaches to shopping, highlighting the store's multifaceted utility.

---

III. Squirrel Showdowns

Transitioning from shopping hacks, the trio tackles the frustrating issue of squirrels raiding their fruit trees. Caroline and Kalila recount their battles with these persistent creatures:

• Kalila [15:28]: "Squirrels are disgusting, evil pigs. They eat the whole peach, even unripe ones, and throw them on the floor."

They discuss various non-violent methods attempted to deter squirrels, such as wrapping fruit in mesh gift bags:

• Kalila [16:34]: "I wrapped each pomegranate in a gift bag. It was humiliating for the squirrels, but it didn't work."

Frustrated by the lack of success, Kalila vents her exasperation:

• Kalila [16:30]: "They're basically these little gift sacks that stop the squirrels from eating them. But it didn't work."

The hosts explore more drastic measures, with Kalila humorously declaring her intention to purchase a BB gun as a last resort, blending dark humor with genuine frustration:

• Kalila [18:14]: "I'm buying a gun. It's gonna have little bullets in it. I'm shooting to kill."

Caroline shares her experiences with UTIs caused by similar frustrations, adding another layer to their candid and humorous discourse on personal challenges.

---

IV. Sweet Treats and Desserts

Food enthusiasts Esther, Kalila, and Caroline transition into a delightful discussion about pastries and desserts, spotlighting mochi donuts and croissants:

• Kalila [24:17]: "Mochi donuts are my favorite. They're chewy and different from regular donuts."

They sample various flavors, sharing their preferences and humorous takes on the textures and tastes:

• Caroline [25:03]: "I want something good. Like a blueberry Danish."

• Kalila [25:12]: "It's like testosterony, but more like bananas you make, I'm short circuits."

The conversation lightens as they joke about the appearance and experience of eating these treats, weaving in pop culture references and personal anecdotes to keep the discussion engaging and relatable.

---

V. Health Chats: UTIs

In a candid segment, the hosts delve into personal experiences with urinary tract infections (UTIs), discussing prevention and humorous mishaps:

• Kalila [58:35]: "The only solution for me is peeing right after sex. It cannot be even like five minutes after sex."

• Esther [61:14]: "I have too much TMJ for that. It isn’t recommended."

They share tips inspired by celebrities like Cardi B and explore the impact of diet and hygiene on UTI prevention. The hosts maintain a light-hearted tone, balancing seriousness with their trademark humor.

---

VI. Wrapping Up with Humorous Banter

As the episode draws to a close, the conversation winds down with playful exchanges about plumbing issues, Pilates reformers, and the quirks of household appliances:

• Caroline [63:11]: "You guys, thank you so much for listening. Caroline."

• Kalila [63:35]: "Find me on substack. I'll be sending out a doodle link to rent my Pilates reformer."

They tease upcoming events and promotions, maintaining the show's casual and entertaining atmosphere.

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Notable Quotes

1. Esther Povitsky [03:26]: "The longest lasting knife that I've ever owned was from IKEA 2009. I still have that knife. I've never had to sharpen it once."

2. Kalila Kuhn [16:34]: "I wrapped each pomegranate in a gift bag. It was humiliating for the squirrels, but it didn't work."

3. Kalila [25:12]: "Like, God. It's a bit violent, this downsizing for me, emotionally, like, oh, we're in the studio."

4. Kalila [55:39]: "I did read it on a conspiracy theory website. No, I'm just kidding. So it's not recommended?"

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Conclusion

"Caroline Goldfarb is Our Sugar High" is a quintessential "Trash Tuesday" episode, blending humor with honest conversations about daily life challenges. From mastering IKEA hacks to battling mischievous squirrels and navigating personal health issues, Esther, Khalyla, and Caroline deliver an engaging and relatable experience for listeners. Their dynamic interplay, spirited banter, and willingness to tackle unconventional topics make this episode a standout addition to the series.

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For more episodes and updates, follow Trash Tuesday on Instagram and TikTok, and visit their YouTube channel.

Transcript

[Esther Povitsky]

Do you want an avocado tree?

[Caroline Goldfarb]

Yes.

[Esther Povitsky]

I'll get you one.

[Kalila]

How?

[Esther Povitsky]

It's free here. We just have to dig it out ourselves. But that's where I'm headed this weekend. So they're shutting down this avocado farm. No, I swear.

[Kalila]

No, no, I swear.

[Esther Povitsky]

And then I want one of the avocado trees.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

I want one.

[Kalila]

Where are we going?

[Caroline Goldfarb]

Can I come?

[Esther Povitsky]

It's a little far, but yeah, you can come.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

If this turns into like we're burying a body, I just want you to know that I'm 100% fine with that. As long as I get an avocado treat.

[Esther Povitsky]

Okay?

[Kalila]

Okay.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

Hello, little sluggies. I'm very excited about today's episod episode. And guess what? I have a solo podcast. It's on substack. You can check it out at esthersgrouptherapy.substack.com you have to subscribe. It is called group therapy. So you know where this is headed? To Crazyville. And check it out. And I have dry lips. I know everyone on the Internet wants me to use Chapstick. This Friday and Saturday, Tacoma, Washington. Get tickets to my shows this weekend, November 1st and 2nd, and then November 22nd, 23rd. I'll be in Austin, Texas. Tickets at the link in the description link in my Instagram bio. I'll see you guys there.

[Esther Povitsky]

Kalshi is the first legal exchange where you can trade or bet on any event. Put your money where your mouth is and sign up using our link. Kalshee.com TrashTuesday and the first 500 traders who deposit $100 get a free 20 credit. That's Kalshi.com TrashTuesday this show is sponsored by Better Help.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

Let the gratitude flow with Better Help. Visit betterhelp.com Trash Tuesday today to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp H lp.com Trash Tuesday oh, my God. We obviously have my favorite person back in the studio. Caroline Goldfarb. She wrote for Sex Lives of College Girl. She still writes for it. She wrote for Alone Together. No big deal. Heard of it. She has a substack. She's setting Substack Afire. And I will take full credit that I forced you to start a substack.

[Kalila]

Esther, you have been there. I know you don't want to hear this, but you've pretty much been my unofficial manager since the start of my career.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

Thank you so much for the credit.

[Kalila]

She gave me my first writing job.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

On tv, and look at her now. We're actually writing on Good shows.

[Kalila]

I have 65 followers on substack. Bitch. I'm just kidding. It's way more. It's way more.

[Esther Povitsky]

You had one recently on ikea.

[Kalila]

I did an IKEA shopping. I am obsessed, Obsessed, okay, with ikea. But I take it really seriously.

[Esther Povitsky]

I have a reignited love for Ikea because there was a dead decade there where I was like, I can't walk into an ikea. And I went there just for lunch, just to have a nostalgic little meatball, right? But then I walked through and I was like, oh, I'm back in. I'm fully back in.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

Do you really feel like there's quality products at ikea?

[Esther Povitsky]

Yes.

[Kalila]

And the thing is, you cannot get tripped up by the furniture, because I. IKEA is not just furniture. If you think about IKEA as just, like, ugly beds and couches, you've already lost the race.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

Okay, me, I have IKEA bed, but keep going.

[Kalila]

But IKEA is so much more than that. It's home goods, it's home accessories. It's good linens, it's towels.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

Is it really good linens? Because.

[Esther Povitsky]

Okay, here is.

[Kalila]

You have to know what you're doing. That's the thing.

[Esther Povitsky]

Can I tell you one thing that really sold me on ikea? On ikea, everyone is really into knives. I'm into knives. Right. You have to have a good.

[Kalila]

Yes.

[Esther Povitsky]

The longest lasting knife that I've ever owned was from IKEA 2009. I still have that knife. I've never had to sharpen it once.

[Kalila]

Okay, that actually doesn't make sense.

[Esther Povitsky]

It doesn't make sense for anyone.

[Kalila]

Used it once.

[Esther Povitsky]

I've got knives from Sur La Table. I've gotten, like, fancy Japanese knives. My IKEA knife is my forever, like, winner.

[Kalila]

Okay.

[Esther Povitsky]

I don't know how. I don't think they even make this knife anymore.

[Kalila]

Yeah, they. That sounds insane.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

It was a lost leader. They can't afford to make it anymore. What they gave you was too good.

[Kalila]

Do you know the test of how you know a knife is really sharp? You take a piece of paper and you cut it. And if it goes straight through the piece of paper, that means you don't have to sharpen it. But. Okay. The thing with IKEA is you really have to know what you're looking for and what you're doing. You cannot go in blind. Like linens, for example. Like, okay, yes, I can make 20 pairs of curtains. But ask around, do some research. I found out that Ikea makes linen, 100% linen curtains in gorgeous colors. And they're like a third of the price of the next cheapest linen curtains. Like, this is what I'm talking about. It's all about the digging. It's the knowledge. It's the sisterhood. It's information passed down from generation to generation.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

Wow. So what you're saying is basically, it's like you can get lost in the. In the schlock. Schlock, Is that the right word?

[Kalila]

Exactly.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

Like, there's so much the bric, a brac, the tchotchke. I wonder, what is the business model where they can afford to have some really good stuff? Why? I'm just so confused. Swedish.

[Kalila]

The money's different there, babe.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

Oh.

[Esther Povitsky]

I feel like it's similar to Trader Joe's in that you have to know the hits.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

Okay, you guys are selling me.

[Kalila]

And so much of it is about the pack flat. I think that's where they're really saving the money because all the furniture is packed flat. You know how much money they're saving on transporting that furniture on truck costs, on labor on diesel. Boxes, boxes. Anyway, everything gets assembled like a candlestick you assemble. You just have to get used to it. You have to accept it. That's it. But anyway, ikea. I love ikea.

[Esther Povitsky]

Me too. And I bought suction brackets from there. I know it's not the IKEA item we think about, but there's a whole aisle of just things that you can stick on your kitchen tile. And I have not been able to find this at Home Depot anywhere else, but guess who had it.

[Kalila]

IKEA sheets, waffle knit bath towels. Like a Turkish cotton situation.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

What?

[Kalila]

Sham pillow inserts that go in a throw pillow in like a throw pillow thingy. You know what I'm talking about?

[Esther Povitsky]

Like a square, affordable frames.

[Kalila]

Frames the fur.

[Esther Povitsky]

They're so expensive everywhere else. Everywhere else. They're at least like a hundred something bucks there. You can get it for 5.99.

[Kalila]

Okay, I look like a millionaire.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

Let's talk about the wrong turn. You can make it in ikea. Tell me what is, like, if I go there, I'm blind. I don't. I haven't done my research. I'm just like, I'm gonna have a fun day at ikea. What are the mistakes that I'm easily gonna make along the way?

[Kalila]

Okay, you're not gonna pace yourself in the store. Let's talk about mindset and physical strength. An idea is broken down into two parts. You have your showroom where all the furniture is kind of laid out. You can see the furniture in use. Oh, here's a nice little bedroom. Like you said, they did this, there's this and that, a little pegboard hanging up, whatever. And then you've got your market. Now, when I go to ikea, skip the showroom. There's nothing I need to see.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

Skip the showroom, I don't need to.

[Kalila]

See the front at all.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

Showroom?

[Kalila]

No, babe, no showroom. That's where you're gonna SAP most of your strength. And you're not gonna leave yourself enough for the marketplace, because the marketplace is. It's no game, okay? This is serious stuff. Marketplace is long, it's winding. You have to read a lot of signs. You have to come with your A game. You gotta come hydrated. Extra water bottle, snacks. I do love that you like the IKEA cafeteria. I personally am not crazy about it. That's.

[Esther Povitsky]

It's not that I'm crazy about it. It's more, at this point, just a nostalgia activity. But I will say it is the right move before you go to marketplace. You gotta be, you gotta get the soft serve or you gotta load up on the lingonberry.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

How are you gonna have strength to shop if you're eating soft serve?

[Esther Povitsky]

Ice cream, sugars, sugar, peas.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

I'm seeing myself, I get the soft serve, and then I accidentally slip into the showroom and.

[Kalila]

Wrong turn first. Wrong turn only marketplace. And again, also pace yourself in the marketplace because you're gonna start in kitchen and you're gonna be very excited in kitchen. There's a lot to see, there's a lot to touch. There's plates, there's pots, there's pans, there's nonstick, there's little avocado scoopers, there's everything. And you can easily front load too hard. But I need you to save strength for the way back. I'm talking the plants. Don't sleep on the IKEA plants. I'm talking the frames, I'm talking the candles. A little bit of a controversial opinion. I like an IKEA candle. I'm not saying they're all my candles, but I like to keep them in the mix. High, low, high, low.

[Esther Povitsky]

And you know what? Their art isn' that terrible.

[Kalila]

Not terrible.

[Esther Povitsky]

Not terrible.

[Kalila]

Not amazing.

[Esther Povitsky]

Not amazing. I haven't bought one ever. But I take a gander. I have a look.

[Kalila]

Keep an open mind. Yeah, that's what it's all about. So that's pretty much it.

[Esther Povitsky]

I think if you're stuck in the showroom, you could delude yourself to think that you can buy stuff to match it. And it's never worked.

[Kalila]

Out.

[Esther Povitsky]

It's never gonna look like that. Oh.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

Oh, my God. Yes. So when I'm in there, I'm like.

[Esther Povitsky]

Oh, this looks so good.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

I could have this in my house. And then I buy one thing and everything looks bad now.

[Esther Povitsky]

Correct.

[Kalila]

Everything looks. Looks as good at the showroom. Oh, also, Tupperware at ikea. Glass Tupperware. Huge. Huge.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

I saw that on your substack. That blew me away.

[Kalila]

Ziplocs. That's right. I buy my Ziplocs at ikea. I'm insane.

[Esther Povitsky]

Really?

[Caroline Goldfarb]

That's. I'm crazy. You're nasty.

[Kalila]

I'm nasty.

[Esther Povitsky]

I'm sick.

[Kalila]

I'm a nasty girl. Anyway, how long has this been?

[Caroline Goldfarb]

So we're out of time, actually.

[Kalila]

Okay.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

Next get. Next gets in. How often would you say you're going to ikea? Be honest.

[Kalila]

More than I'd like to say. I'm also keeping on a really healthy return schedule at ikea. Also, while we're talking about it, very generous return policy. Almost too generous. I've taken advantage of it many times. I've returned used pillows.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

Are you on a list?

[Kalila]

Oh, my pillows.

[Esther Povitsky]

Wow. You know what? I'm getting there this weekend, and I'm using it as an opportunity to just get my steps in, which I think is a good idea.

[Kalila]

Your 10 wave instant 10k steps.

[Esther Povitsky]

Instantly.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

Esther. Okay, that's like you live in New York City for the day because you're just walking. You're getting your done.

[Esther Povitsky]

Don't take any of the shortcuts. Don't shortcut to kitchen. Don't do that. Take. Follow the path.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

Now, I'll say this as a new mom. Free child care at ikea.

[Kalila]

I don't know that they do that anymore. Do they? Actually.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

I saw. I saw. Would I use it not?

[Kalila]

I'd hope not. Yeah, but you could.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

Yeah.

[Kalila]

Oh, another mistake that one can make in an ikea. I personally will not set foot in IKEA on a weekend. Weeknights only. I will not set foot in on a Saturday. I will not set foot on a Sunday. Weeknights six to nine. Empty. The whole place is yours.

[Esther Povitsky]

I was there midday on a Tuesday.

[Kalila]

How was that? Very good. Love that.

[Esther Povitsky]

Very, very good.

[Kalila]

Love that.

[Esther Povitsky]

Positive experience. Was happy about it. I bought nothing. Nothing. Have to. Except now I'm going back specifically for a coat rack. It's a yellow one.

[Kalila]

The ballet.

[Esther Povitsky]

Yes.

[Kalila]

It has, like a little curve.

[Esther Povitsky]

Yes.

[Kalila]

Love that piece.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

I would argue you're too familiar with pieces at ikea.

[Kalila]

You don't need to argue it. I think we're all on the same page about that. I am so deep in sometimes I'm, like, looking up old IKEA items. There's, like, cult items that are on ebay that they don't sell anymore.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

Oh, God, you're in deep, baby.

[Kalila]

It's sick. Another. Another very quick IKEA hack, and I swear I'll move on if you have a specific IKEA furniture piece that you want. Facebook Marketplace. Already assembled, usually, and, like, a third of the price. That's right. IKEA is too expensive for me. I'm finding ways to save on Ikea. I'm sick. Like, really sick.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

Nasty woman.

[Kalila]

Really gross.

[Esther Povitsky]

Facebook Marketplace really is the place to be, though.

[Kalila]

Oh, it's the only place to be.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

I'm missing out. What's, like, the best things you guys have ever gotten on Facebook Marketplace?

[Esther Povitsky]

Everything.

[Kalila]

You have to reframe that question. What isn't the best things I can get on Facebook Marketplace? Do you see what I'm saying?

[Caroline Goldfarb]

Okay, I do. I follow. Is it that cup from Facebook Marketplace?

[Kalila]

Something that would go in my mouth, I don't think I would get on Facebook Marketplace. Rug, used Ikea furniture. All furniture. Vintage furniture.

[Esther Povitsky]

And would you buy a used mattress?

[Kalila]

I've thought about that. I would. I haven't had to.

[Esther Povitsky]

Okay, let me give you the ad. Okay. Helix King Luxe, only used for six months on a vacation home, has had a mattress protector.

[Kalila]

100%. I'd eat off it.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

Okay, Are you selling it or are you buying it?

[Kalila]

I'll take it. I'll take it. I have no room for it, but I'll take it. Facebook Marketplace is amazing. I see crazy shit on there. People sell fruit, like, from their fruit trees? Yes. No.

[Esther Povitsky]

Oh, my God. I'm in this fruit rabbit hole, too. Avocados. I'm picking them up this weekend.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

The entire plant?

[Kalila]

Yeah.

[Esther Povitsky]

From Facebook. The whole plant.

[Kalila]

A cottage farming co op happening on Facebook markets, and you're missing out.

[Esther Povitsky]

How does it work? Do you want an avocado tree?

[Caroline Goldfarb]

Yes.

[Esther Povitsky]

I'll get you one.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

How?

[Esther Povitsky]

It's free. We just have to dig it out. But that's where I'm headed this weekend.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

Wait, can I come with and get one? More than one.

[Esther Povitsky]

But we need Aloha's truck because we need to dig out the tree ourselves.

[Kalila]

Wait, you're digging out a tree? You guys are sharing the tree?

[Esther Povitsky]

So they're shutting down this avocado farm? No, I swear.

[Kalila]

No, no swear.

[Esther Povitsky]

And then I want one of the avocado trees.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

I want one.

[Kalila]

Where are we going? Out.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

Can I come It's a little far.

[Esther Povitsky]

But, yeah, you can come a little far.

[Kalila]

How far?

[Caroline Goldfarb]

If this turns into, like, we're burying a body, I just want you to know that I'm 100% fine with that. As long as I get an avocado treat.

[Esther Povitsky]

Okay. Okay, I'll send you both the link.

[Kalila]

I'm a little nervous about this. Who's gonna dig the hole in your yard to put the tree in?

[Esther Povitsky]

That is true, Esther.

[Kalila]

I'm afraid that you're not. You're afraid that it's gonna be you, that's all. I'll do it. I can't sell shovels, but she keeps.

[Esther Povitsky]

It in a pot for, like, all the years.

[Kalila]

The roots need room.

[Esther Povitsky]

Yeah, they do.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

Why are you guys assuming that I can't transport an avocado tree randomly on the spur of the moment?

[Esther Povitsky]

I can't transport. It's. You know where can you envision where in your backyard it's going?

[Kalila]

That's my next question.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

I'll ask someone. The nearest adult Dave. Neighbors.

[Esther Povitsky]

You're saying I should text Dave about this first?

[Kalila]

I think Dave should be looped in at the very least because we have.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

An avocado tree and it's struggling and don't judge me like, oh, that's my problem. I shouldn't get another one. This one came bad. Okay.

[Esther Povitsky]

I've actually never seen an avocado tree thriving.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

I have.

[Esther Povitsky]

I have.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

It is unbelievable.

[Kalila]

Probably richer friends than I do.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

I always see, like, squirrels coming and taking bites.

[Kalila]

You just hit on a really sensitive subject.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

Oh, my God, she's triggered. We have to shut down. Close the lights.

[Kalila]

Turn the lights off, lock the doors. I need to talk about something. This is really fucking serious. You know who I used to like? Squirrels. I thought they were cute. Bushy tails, cute little faces, sweet energy. You know who I hate now after moving into a home with fruit trees? Fucking disgusting, evil squirrels. They're nasty, sick, greedy pigs. Do you want to hear what the squirrels do to my beautiful fruit? Here's a little story. I have a peach tree. Isn't that nice? A pretty, pretty peach tree. And, oh, moving into this house, and what do I see? Beautiful little peaches on the peach tree. Oh, how nice. Like, how symbolic. This new time in my life. These beautiful peaches.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

You're just a beautiful girl.

[Kalila]

I'm a beautiful girl, my beautiful. I'm an average looking girl. Peaches. And, oh, who found them? Squirrels. And you know what the squirrels do to the peaches? Do they eat the whole peach and enjoy it at the Very least. No, they're not even ripe. The squirrels pick it off the tree, have one bite and go, mmm, not for me. And throw it on the floor.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

Okay. I have to tell you something I've been keeping secret from you.

[Kalila]

Oh. If it was you.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

It was me.

[Kalila]

Oh, you bitch.

[Esther Povitsky]

You fucking whore.

[Kalila]

You fucking whore. I knew it was you. I hate squirrels. And I've been now deep in on squirrel. Just on your peach tree. I'm so happy you asked. No, also on my beautiful pomegranate tree. The pomegranates started coming in in the summer and they're not gonna be ready till fall. And the squirrels have eaten all the unripe pomegranates. And they do the same thing. They take one bite and they throw it on the floor.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

How do you abate squirrels? Cause that sounds so at first I.

[Kalila]

Try to do non violent method. I do ultimately believe in non violence, peaceful protest, nonviolence, pleading.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

And after much research, writing a letter. And I got your lawyer involved.

[Kalila]

My local congressman is involved. I started with some really easy, gentle methods. And I landed on. They're basically these little. They're almost like little gift sacks that if you went to a jewelry store and you got a piece of jewelry and it like kind of cinches at the top. Yeah. Mesh gift sack. So everyone was like, these really work. You wrap each piece of fruit. See? Fucking humiliating. It's fucking humiliating in a gift bag. And it stops the squirrels from eating them. So I had bought a ladder on Facebook Marketplace, and I have pictures. It's so embarrassing. I got up in the ladder and wrapped each pomegranate in a gift bag. I was like, okay, that was easy, gentle, safe. You know, I'm like, the squirrels, we don't see eye to eye, but hopefully this kind of sends a message.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

Right?

[Kalila]

And I did it peaceful. And it honestly was like I attracted more. More attention to the pomegranates, the squirrels, but they like got more aggressive. It was like I wrapped them up in little bags for them and I watched. I watched. They were gifts. I watched squirrels. I saw a squirrel, like go up to the pomegranate use. They have thumbs and open. I saw them open the bags and do the same thing. One bite. And on the fl.

[Esther Povitsky]

It's Christmas.

[Kalila]

Like, I was squirrel Christmas for them. They're like, thanks, babe.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

I just have to say the gift bag method feels. Not only did it not work, that is a moot point. A lot of time to go fruit by fruit. What about like gates around the tree?

[Kalila]

So I had looked into what's called a full tree wrap. Yeah. But someone told me that squirrels can often get caught in them and die very violent and hard to watch deaths, which now I don't care about. I can't wait to.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

We're not playing fairy. You should.

[Esther Povitsky]

Shouldn't either.

[Kalila]

That's what I think. Unfortunately, I'm gonna have to go 0 to 100. And I am buying a gun. It's a BB gun, but I'm shooting to kill. I'm not shooting to scare. No, no, no. I want to be very clear. It's gonna have little bullets in it. I don't want. I don't want you to cut this up. I don't want this to be edited. I am buying a gun.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

I am having a similar issue with my. With my tomatoes. They got all my tomatoes this year.

[Kalila]

Those little fuckers.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

I know. And it's weird because for years, I actually. My tomatoes were safe. So I don't know what word got passed around the neighborhood.

[Kalila]

They communicate. They do.

[Esther Povitsky]

I think they really do.

[Kalila]

They totally do.

[Esther Povitsky]

Yeah.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

And even once, I also. We have a very small orange tree that. The oranges taste like shit, so who cares? But the. There was once, like, we came out in the morning and there were. The oranges were on our, like, a chair, this lounger we have. And it was as though a raccoon, like, did that thing where, like, bit, like, two bites of each orange and then left them on the lounger, but had the nerve to do it, like, on our furniture.

[Kalila]

They're fucking sick. I'm telling you. They're sending a message. Yeah, it's very Godfather. It's like the horse head.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

You're right. We have to fight violence with violence.

[Esther Povitsky]

And I'm telling you it's true. This is why I shot my mom with a BB gun when I was younger.

[Kalila]

Okay, so what happened? Did you pierce the skin?

[Esther Povitsky]

I did, and it bore a hole through her jeans.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

Was by any chance your mom a squirrel?

[Kalila]

Cause I will kill her.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

You need to do some research. Research on what happens.

[Esther Povitsky]

Someone lent me a BB gun, and I didn't know how strong and powerful they were. And she had a bruise, like, deep in her ass for a long time, but I've never gotten my ass beat so hard. And part of me, part of the. Shooting her in the ass was retaliation. I was like, oh, it was a mistake. I didn't mean to shoot you. But of course I did.

[Kalila]

She was like, you know, cycle of violence.

[Esther Povitsky]

Yeah. And it came back, like, tenfold. So I Would be very wary about the BB gun because I think they will come as a group and attack you.

[Kalila]

Oh. Honestly, I like the squirrel rat king.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

I would say if you shoot a.

[Esther Povitsky]

Couple, maybe they'll the top of the town.

[Kalila]

That's sort of what I'm hoping. You've hit on a really great point. The communication system of the squirrels. If I shoot, maybe kill one or two of them.

[Esther Povitsky]

I feel like if you killed one, watched it die, you would immediately fall apart.

[Kalila]

That's what I used to think. I used to be weak. I used to be weak. I used to be sweet. I used to be innocent. And now I have such a taste for squirrel blood itself. I want to see them die, and I want to string up its little squirrel body as a message to the.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

Rest of the handmade community.

[Esther Povitsky]

Oh, like handmaids.

[Kalila]

I love animals, to be clear.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

I know you do.

[Kalila]

It's. But I love fruit more.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

I love homegrown fruit more.

[Kalila]

I'm not. I. I probably won't ever actually get the BB gun. It's more, like, therapeutic for me to talk about it because they've really hurt me.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

Yeah, no, I do. That's frustrating. And I've seen that. And it's because for whatever reason, growing your own fruit is like. It's just the most beautiful concept.

[Kalila]

It's empowering.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

It's free.

[Kalila]

It's free and it's free, and it's free. I know. It's like, I don't know what to do. Someone told me to put out alternative food for the squirrels to distract them from the trees. I'm like, so what now? It's a Vegas buffet. So they have options. They have an appetizer. Warm up for the pomegranate server. Yeah, I know. May I take your order? No. I'm so over these fucking squirrels. But anyway, yeah. So guns, safety and stuff. Talk to your local congressman.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

So what do we have in front of us? Because I'm. My mouth is.

[Esther Povitsky]

This one came with a note.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

Okay.

[Esther Povitsky]

A little love note from our team. So in a previous episode, I talked about the best croissants I've ever had. And it's from car in Pasadena.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

How have I never heard of this place?

[Esther Povitsky]

Because you had to wait to hear it from me.

[Kalila]

I know. It's like, long. They love you. Sweet.

[Esther Povitsky]

Yeah. But anyways, they want to have that freshly baked taste. They want us to.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

Give it to me now.

[Esther Povitsky]

Okay. Here we go.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

Caroline can't have any.

[Kalila]

Wait.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

Is allergic.

[Kalila]

So you guys had a. You guys had a conversation about croissants okay, so here.

[Esther Povitsky]

Specifically the chocolate croissant. I think that car. Because they have artisanal chocolate there. I think you dare.

[Kalila]

I'm your guest. Who raised you? You know, True.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

It's really bad. Wait, okay, what do we have?

[Esther Povitsky]

I think we should start with this, and I think that we should just try the quality of the.

[Kalila]

No, no, no.

[Esther Povitsky]

You guys go for. I have this a lot.

[Kalila]

No, no.

[Esther Povitsky]

Esther first. Esther first.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

Did they say which ones we got?

[Esther Povitsky]

I think we have an almond. Almond one. Their almond's really great. That looks like a blueberry.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

Okay. There's really no civilized way, though.

[Esther Povitsky]

No, there is.

[Kalila]

You have to cut into it. Croissants are really hard to cut. Do you think that it's the chocolate, or do you buy into the hole?

[Caroline Goldfarb]

Should you. Which one of you. You guys are more like moms, even though I'm the real mom.

[Kalila]

No, no, no.

[Esther Povitsky]

Dig in.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

No, I want one. I want something good.

[Kalila]

Oh, no. Oh, no. She's short circuits. Someone spray water on her.

[Esther Povitsky]

Okay, we don't have to cut. We can just claw. I think the.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

The.

[Esther Povitsky]

The. The point is to claw into it. Okay. Keep in mind that, you know, this has been sitting for a while.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

How long?

[Esther Povitsky]

But just imagine it fully fresh, because that's how I usually eat it when I go there.

[Kalila]

I'm. This is. Oh. Oh, it's really good.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

No, it's bad. You shouldn't have it.

[Kalila]

This reminds me of one of my favorite, most sensual food scenes in cinema where Meryl Streep. It's in It's Complicated, the Nancy Myers movie, and Meryl Streep brings Steve Martin to her bakery after hours and makes him chocolate croissants. Esther. And you're Steve Martin. And I'm. I'm Meryl Streep and Nancy Meyer. Okay. So I heard that there were some baked goods on the podcast. I didn't really have a lot of information to go off.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

What is this? You brought this?

[Kalila]

They're from Mochi Nut. Have you heard?

[Caroline Goldfarb]

I've never tried it. Have you had it?

[Esther Povitsky]

Mochi donuts are my favorite.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

What's the flavors?

[Kalila]

Okay, their flavors are kind of crazy, but in the. I'm gonna go clockwise from the upper left. Are you ready?

[Caroline Goldfarb]

No.

[Kalila]

Okay, well, I have to.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

Orange.

[Kalila]

Original.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

Okay.

[Kalila]

Original Matcha. I think that we're gonna have to come back to that one. I think it's churro, blueberry, UBE and papaya. And I want the papaya.

[Esther Povitsky]

Does the UBE have Fruity Pebbles on it? Fruity Pebbles?

[Caroline Goldfarb]

Yeah.

[Kalila]

It does. Kyla, can you explain? I think you might know better. What is a mochi donut? What makes it special?

[Esther Povitsky]

It's just the consistency is different. Right? Because it's not.

[Kalila]

It's.

[Esther Povitsky]

It has mochi flour.

[Kalila]

It's chewy.

[Esther Povitsky]

Yeah, it's chewy.

[Kalila]

Okay, I'm excited. Thank you.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

Thank you.

[Kalila]

Does anyone else want to buy the papaya?

[Esther Povitsky]

Would you guys want to try some of this, please?

[Caroline Goldfarb]

Okay, I'm having original cuz I'm. You got to start with the basics before you can expand.

[Kalila]

That's right. That's like Picasso. You have to know the rules to break the rules. Break the rules.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

Yes.

[Kalila]

It's kind of violently different tonally than a chocolate croissant, but it's okay. What are we gonna do? Just rip it with your hand?

[Caroline Goldfarb]

Oh, it's like funnel cake or something.

[Kalila]

You see, the consistency is like chewier. You just. Esther just tapped into a higher power.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

It's like I have that.

[Kalila]

You both. Beautiful mind.

[Esther Povitsky]

This is the original.

[Kalila]

Mmm, it's good.

[Esther Povitsky]

The omelet sounds really good.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

When it comes to donuts, how can you do better than glazed? Original.

[Kalila]

You mean like original original? Not mochi?

[Caroline Goldfarb]

Not original? No, Any kind.

[Kalila]

I pretty much agree with you. But papaya, though. The papaya is really good.

[Esther Povitsky]

I haven't had the papaya.

[Kalila]

You should try a little piece. Try bulbs.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

It's really good.

[Esther Povitsky]

Papaya's my favorite.

[Kalila]

I don't feel good.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

I'm gonna be really sad.

[Kalila]

I don't feel good already.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

I have a mood disorder that comes out when I have sugar.

[Kalila]

I'm gonna be really mean to someone later. Who knows who it is. That's really good. It's so good. That's really nice.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

Is this caramel apple?

[Kalila]

I think it might be. Is it churro Y? No.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

Try it.

[Kalila]

Okay. I don't remember what this one was.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

Well, it's caramel apple.

[Kalila]

And the thing I like about them is they look a little bit like anal beads. We were all thinking it. I had to say it.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

Koila.

[Kalila]

Yes.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

Make yourself useful. Break out those other Come on sugar titles. Get off your ass.

[Kalila]

Like, God.

[Esther Povitsky]

Esther, would you like to try the almond one next?

[Caroline Goldfarb]

What's in it?

[Kalila]

Esther's pupils are getting really small and it's kind of starting to scare me. Let me see.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

That one looks like ham and cheese. Yeah, but that's like a blueberry Danish or something.

[Kalila]

Wow, that looks.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

I don't want to say I studied bakery in college, but I did gain 30 pounds.

[Kalila]

Esther knows her way around a dessert it's actually crazy. What's your all time favorite? Go to dessert. Dream Dessert, Death row.

[Esther Povitsky]

This is so hard. You're making me short circuit. Because I feel like I love so many, but I have a softest spot for Asian desserts. So anything like mochi based, I'm always going to be very just like crazy about.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

Dare I say the almond is better than the chocolate somehow.

[Esther Povitsky]

Sometimes. Yeah, it depends where you're at. Mentally.

[Kalila]

I think it's full of like a marzipani type thing, right?

[Esther Povitsky]

So I think that I alternate between the chocolate and then the almond.

[Kalila]

Oh my God. It's like buses.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

Wait, what's your name, sir?

[Esther Povitsky]

We just kissed, sir. Which one were you planning for before you like this one?

[Caroline Goldfarb]

I don't remember. I don't. Because I don't. I don't know. They're all really good.

[Esther Povitsky]

I know. This was possibly a mistake. This might have just like halted production.

[Kalila]

Yeah, 100%. I don't know what we were talking about. I don't know where we're going from here.

[Esther Povitsky]

At least we had a good 15 minutes of IKEA up there.

[Kalila]

Oh, no. We did the thing that you're not supposed to do at ikea. We front loaded and we didn't pace ourselves. Esther, eating a pastry is like the way I have sex after a glass of wine. It's like no inhibitions. I'm way looser.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

No condoms.

[Kalila]

Fun. Well, never. Never. I mean, especially not after wine. After a glass of wine, all the pretenses go away. I love watching it. I like watching it. You're in your most confident too.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

I need to go home.

[Kalila]

Oh, no, you don't.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

You're eating it. I just got a call.

[Esther Povitsky]

I made. One more bite and we'll resume.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

Yeah, I'm really nervous. Does anyone have a memory of how much I had?

[Kalila]

We'll look at the tapes.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

If someone Destroy the tapes.

[Kalila]

Destroy the tapes. You really had a lot, huh?

[Caroline Goldfarb]

What do you mean? Okay, little girl, I don't remember that.

[Kalila]

Esther, what's your favorite dessert these days?

[Caroline Goldfarb]

Like, oh, man, you know, I try. I do think if I'm being truly honest with myself, please be honest.

[Esther Povitsky]

You guys, we're excited to show you an app called Kalshi. It's the first legal exchange where you can trade or bet on any event. For example, do you think you know who will win the presidential election or how many seats the Democrats or Republicans will win in the House or Senate? Well, there's finally a legal way to bet on the outcome of these elections via a platform called Kalshi. Kalshi is the first legal exchange where you can bet on any event, including but not limited to elections.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

They have markets on who will win the presidential election, who will control the house, etc. You get it? Kalshi is already being used by thousands of people and has facilitated over $1 billion worth of trades.

[Esther Povitsky]

And it's not just the elections you can bet on. You can bet on things like will there be a new Nintendo console announced this year? Or will the top artists on Spotify this year be Taylor Swift or the Weeknd? Just about anything you can think of, you can bet on. So put your money where your mouth is and sign up using our link kalsheet.comtrashtuesday and the first 500 traders who deposit $100 will get a free $20 credit.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

That's kalshee.comtrashtuesday this show is sponsored by BetterHelp. This month is all about gratitude. And along with the person who I love the most, Kalila, she and I, we're gonna be grateful. Okay? We're gonna be grateful for each other. We're gonna be grateful for ourselves. And it sometimes is very, very, very hard to remind ourselves things are not always easy. Things can be really hard. And that's what therapy is for. We don't want to bottle those things up, right? We want to get them out. We want to talk to someone about them. We want to get better. We want to learn positive coping skills. We want to set boundaries, want to be empowered. It can be for your major trauma, but it doesn't have to be. If you're thinking of starting therapy, give better help a try. Let the gratitude flow with better help. Visit betterhelp.comtrashtuesday today to get 10 off your first month. That's BetterHelp. H E L p.comtrashtuesday chocolate covered caramel. Like in any kind of style.

[Kalila]

Wow.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

Like, how do you beat that? How do you beat that? Chocolate chip cookie. How do you beat that? I'm really looking at the basics here, like original glazed donut, Anything simple. I think we're expanding too far into multiple categories, crossing over all this stuff. Look, am I pointing fingers at someone who I saw recently eating a Coke flavored Oreo? Yeah, I am. I'm calling you out.

[Kalila]

Yeah, I did.

[Esther Povitsky]

Wait, this is a very Mormon thing.

[Kalila]

Sort of.

[Esther Povitsky]

I think because I saw the Oreo flavored Coke on Secret wives and Mormon Wives. Oh, soda culture. Because you talked about it. Now I'm all in.

[Kalila]

I know you were on the front lines of that. I know I'm on the cutting edge.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

And now you work at ikea.

[Kalila]

Work it right to the ground until no one cares about it anymore. No.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

Now you're in jail for killing squirrels.

[Kalila]

I didn't know you could go to jail for that.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

But I'm gonna.

[Esther Povitsky]

I.

[Kalila]

No, no, no. So you know how Oreo always has crazy flavors? Oreo right now has a Coke flavored Oreo. They sell it at stores. It just came out. And in conjunction. Coke has an Oreo flavored Coke.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

I love a good conjunction.

[Kalila]

That's the one I saw in tandem. They're kind of in conversation with each other. You know what I mean?

[Caroline Goldfarb]

Yeah. They're complimentary. Talk us through it. How were they? Which one's better?

[Kalila]

They're both disgusting. They both hurt my body. The Coke. The Oreo flavored Coke is by far worse. It tastes. It tastes like an Oreo. You don't. I don't want my Coke. Coke to taste like an Oreo. Do you know what I mean?

[Caroline Goldfarb]

Yeah.

[Esther Povitsky]

I've never tasted liquid Oreo.

[Kalila]

It's very frosting heavy.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

You've never blended an Oreo milkshake, but that's still chunky.

[Esther Povitsky]

I mean, like as a, you know, a true liquid.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

You've never purified an Oreo?

[Esther Povitsky]

No.

[Kalila]

Never put a bunch in your Brita filter?

[Caroline Goldfarb]

See what happens.

[Kalila]

Let it soak in your mouth a little bit.

[Esther Povitsky]

Like fruits.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

Spa water. Oreo Spa water. You don't do that, lady.

[Esther Povitsky]

And Caroline, it actually sounds kind of good.

[Kalila]

However, the Coke flavored Oreo, I'm aware of how insane I sound right now. Was kind of good.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

It sounds good. See, that's what I. That one sounds good.

[Kalila]

That one was good. And it has pop Rocks in. Excuse me. It has pop Rocks in the. In the cookie. And I love a pop rock. And something else that's interesting.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

See, to me, what I think of is I go, okay, Coke flavored Oreo, sure. It sounds crazy. What do I think of cola flavored gummies?

[Kalila]

Thank you.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

They're amazing.

[Kalila]

I love cola flavored things.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

Yes. Cola is a flavor. It's legitimate, and it needs to be added to the lexicon of dessert flavors. AB and gold plated.

[Kalila]

Mark my word, I'm gonna be the.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

Woman to do it. And that's why I'm running.

[Kalila]

Husband's first day is coffee. Speechwriter. It's like none of this works. I totally agree. Cola flavor is so, so slept on. Do you guys remember bottle caps that day?

[Caroline Goldfarb]

Yes.

[Kalila]

They were dusty.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

They were so dusty. Why did that work so well?

[Kalila]

Chalky, they work. They were sort of an answer to Sweet Tarts in my mind. Do you know that my dad worked at Nestle for my whole childhood?

[Caroline Goldfarb]

You absolutely kept that private from me for a good reason.

[Esther Povitsky]

He did.

[Kalila]

My dad worked at Nestle for my entire childhood, and it makes me emotional to think about it to this day. The Nestle employee store was everything.

[Esther Povitsky]

Wait, they had an employee store?

[Kalila]

It was in Glendale. It was in Glendale and it was in the basement. It was in the parking lot.

[Esther Povitsky]

And they could. Friends and family could come.

[Kalila]

That's right. And the prices. And this is pre inflation. This is like pre Obama. I mean, well, when I was a.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

Child and when candy bars were on sale, it was four for a dollar. So I. That's. I just want to say that that's a time that I remember.

[Kalila]

This was like that, but half the price. It was below wholesale. It was insane. And they had. I'm not. I'm not a really. Oh, why didn't you guys tell me there was frosting on me?

[Caroline Goldfarb]

It just got there.

[Kalila]

Okay. I was not. Esther knows this. I'm a really big chocolate person. But I love candy. And Wonka. The brand was owned by Nestle. And I just remember the wall of every Wonka product, every flavor of Nerds. You can imagine. Pre. Pre Nerds ropes and pre Nerds clusters. Every. The bottle caps, the Sweet tarts shockers. If anyone remembers Shockers. I was so. So that wall was just so good. And then Nesquik was like a very big thing in our house. And every flavor.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

Your dad invented Nesquik, right?

[Kalila]

I wish. Oh, I wish. But he did work on the website.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

True story.

[Kalila]

So you can't find it. The website does not exist anymore. But he worked on it. And for every. Were you guys the kind of families that got gifts for your teachers? Do you know what I'm talking about?

[Caroline Goldfarb]

Yeah. Yeah, I think so.

[Esther Povitsky]

Do you know what I mean?

[Caroline Goldfarb]

Like, if it was a favorite teacher.

[Kalila]

If it was a favorite teacher, if.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

I was sucking up.

[Kalila]

Well, the standard gift I would give friends, teachers, like, everyone would get the same gift for me. And it was a jar of powdered Nesquik, which in reshacked is like such a horrible gift. And I would just roll out the birthday.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

Think of the time. Think of the time. At the time, what you were doing.

[Kalila]

Was right in the 90s, anything. Anything went, anything goes. So, yeah, sweets, man, I love candy.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

When I was a kid, one of the guys that my dad gambled with owned a candy store In Las Vegas. But it didn't do well, so it closed. So then I got a lot of the candy from the store that closed. It wasn't name brand, I'll tell you that.

[Kalila]

You got the Redline tax write off candy?

[Caroline Goldfarb]

Yes, I did. I got the garbage candy.

[Kalila]

The candy they used as a lot. So we can pay less taxes. Yes. Wow, that's.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

So we're not the only. You're not the only candy royalty on the table.

[Esther Povitsky]

I do. I think you're wrong about gifting people. Nesquik, was it? I think that's such a great gift.

[Kalila]

Really?

[Esther Povitsky]

Yeah. I've gifted straight up cans of Spam.

[Kalila]

Oh.

[Esther Povitsky]

And it's been very well received. So I don't think you're wrong about that. I think that like very basic, like down home stuff or make great gifts.

[Kalila]

I mean sure, some people make fun of me for it to this day, but you know, I gotta stand by Bob was the kind of family that got you what cost us $2 at the Nestle employee store. And that was your birthday gift. Aw. And that's okay.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

I do want to go back to this for a second because I think we see a lot in our culture of giving a crazy flavor to a cola, but we're not seeing enough of is giving cola to. As a flavor to different. Let's see a cola flavored donut. I'm just saying I want to increase cola. It is like a normal, like go to the store. Chocolate, vanilla, strawberry cola.

[Esther Povitsky]

I'm so not that on board with cola flavor. Why is that?

[Caroline Goldfarb]

Have you ever had cola gummies?

[Kalila]

Cola gummies?

[Esther Povitsky]

That's. That's there. It's not hidden.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

There's a tickle.

[Kalila]

There's a.

[Esther Povitsky]

It's not. Yeah, maybe, maybe. Can you bring some next time? Yeah, I'd love to feel the tickle.

[Kalila]

But I've had cola things go wrong. And I do want to speak to that, if I may.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

Yes. We may have to edit it out.

[Kalila]

Profusely, but go ahead, check my check. You have to check with my lawyer. It's actually not allowed. Have you guys ever had cola flavored Lacroix? It's disgusting.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

That exists.

[Kalila]

It's very hard to find. I don't know that they make it anymore, but back in peak Lacroix days in like the writers rooms when Lacroix was everything. I feel like in every writer's room I had people would order the Coke Lacroix, wanting it to be good. Lacroix. Whatever it is so bad it. It almost will ruin cola flavored Things for you.

[Esther Povitsky]

I just can't imagine lacroix making anything.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

I think all lacroix is bad at that.

[Kalila]

Yeah, I totally agree with that. Totally agree. But this one was especially bad.

[Esther Povitsky]

I did see your spindrift fridge.

[Kalila]

I. I guess I have to fess up. I have a spindrift branded fridge that they kind of sent to me. They kind of didn't, though. Do I. Do you have this real story? Yeah. When I worked at James Corden, I just basically, okay, I love Spindrift. I am a spinfluencer. I've been. I have been on Spindrift writing hard on social media for them since the early days.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

Like, I was there. I witnessed it. You're not lying.

[Kalila]

And when I was at James Corden, I remember, like, they've just always, like, sent me spindrift for when I'm in writers rooms. They, like, want everyone to. You know, they're basically using me to get James Corden to drink Spindrift.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

It's fine.

[Kalila]

But when I was in the. When I was in the James Corden writers room, they're like, we. They, like, love James Corden for some reason. Like, we're gonna send you a fridge, and we're gonna send you every flavor of Spindrift. And they really wanted, like, James to, like, in their mind, I love Spindrift, but in their mind, I think they thought that we were just gonna, like, film a video with the spindrift and, like, put it on the show. But I was just like, yeah, guys, whatever you want. For sure. Like, James will love it. So they sent a whole ass fridge, and it sat in the James Corden writers room. It just became the food fridge. Like, people had their old leftovers in it. I know it was gross. But then when the show wrapped, when it was basically canceled.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

Oh, you waited until the end.

[Kalila]

I waited years. I had been gone from the show for two years by that point. And my friend who still worked on the show, I was like, on the last day, when everything shuts down and you're literally cleaning out your desk, I need you to get me the spindrift fridge. I don't care what it takes. I don't care if you have to go down a fucking service elevator. I will do anything for the fridge. And shout out to who did that? They know who they are.

[Esther Povitsky]

What?

[Kalila]

A writer.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

For legal reasons, you can't say their name.

[Kalila]

We are in a protracted legal battle over the fridge, and I cannot say his name. But he got Me, the fridge. And it now was in my house. And it's my pride and joy. It's my everything. I love it more than Esther loves her baby.

[Esther Povitsky]

I believe that. I mean, it looks great.

[Kalila]

Clear front.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

It's really you. It's you. It's just you.

[Kalila]

That's a diss. But I don't take it as one.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

I am honored.

[Esther Povitsky]

I mean, I can't imagine that, you know, at least one of us has got to get a. You know, you didn't have to go through that length to get the fridge.

[Kalila]

No, I feel like they would never.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

Send it to me. I think she did.

[Kalila]

Yeah, I think so. Recently, I came into a huge. I feel like you guys would really appreciate this kind of a similar spin refrigeration situation. A family friend of a. Okay. A distant family friend. Like, I didn't really know them that well. One of their family members passed away and they were like, look, like, we don't really want to keep any of her stuff. She lives around the corner from you. We know you just moved into a new house. Like, do you want to just come in and supermarket sweep a dead woman stuff?

[Esther Povitsky]

That's your dream come true.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

Keep going.

[Kalila]

And it was sort of. It was sort of awkward and confusing because at first I was like, sort of didn't want to step on any toes. And you can't really, like, there's nothing comfortable about that situation.

[Esther Povitsky]

But had she passed already or was. She's still actively dying.

[Kalila]

She was dead.

[Esther Povitsky]

Okay, good. Because if you're going through her house and she's still somewhere dying in one of the rooms.

[Kalila]

I never met her.

[Esther Povitsky]

Oh, okay.

[Kalila]

I never saw a picture of her.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

That's best to keep her. I didn't. Private from you.

[Kalila]

I think the distance was healthy. Yeah. So I kind of come in and I'm kind of like, ginger. They're like. They're like, look like anything you want. The house was, like, stocked. I know. This is so bad. I see. Even now it's awkward to talk about.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

Because, like, it's not bad. This is great. You're recycling.

[Kalila]

Totally. And you know I respect the dead. You know I do.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

I do. I've seen you in a funeral. You gave a beautiful dance.

[Esther Povitsky]

You're not that respectful of the dead.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

I do respect that. I have a very, very positive relationship with the dead.

[Kalila]

I know you. Yeah. I think you like, overly respectful. A little too positive, bordering into obsessive.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

Yeah.

[Kalila]

Yeah.

[Esther Povitsky]

That is true.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

Yeah.

[Kalila]

So at first I was like, I don't. I couldn't. I couldn't possibly. I'm so sorry for your loss. But they're like, no, please. Like, it's like a long story. But they, like, didn't live here. And they were like, we can't, like, take any of the stuff. Like, anything you want. And you haven't lived until you've supermarket sweeped in a dead woman who you.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

Don'T know's home against.

[Kalila]

And they were. So all I'm gonna say is, I got a full on Pilates machine.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

You did not.

[Kalila]

There's a Pilates machine in my house. And I got a ninja. An amazing ninja air fryer. Like a toaster oven.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

Was this woman young?

[Kalila]

Yeah. I don't know. Is the thing. And I'll never know.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

Wait, is it, like a true Pilates reformer?

[Kalila]

I have a Pilates reformer from a dead woman.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

If you end up dead, it's of course.

[Kalila]

And I would want you to take it because that's how I got it.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

Yes.

[Kalila]

And that goes for everyone in this room. When Esther dies. Kalila, I think you might be next to mine.

[Esther Povitsky]

Next in line.

[Kalila]

Yeah. So, yeah, it was. It was a. I really.

[Esther Povitsky]

Wait, what else? Just the ninja and the reformer.

[Kalila]

There might have been some shoes. We weren't exactly the same shoe size, but close enough. There are some clothes at the dry cleaners. Okay. I. I was very. Like, I couldn't possibly. But then, like, after a couple. Couple hours, I was like, I'll take this and that and this and that.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

You have to.

[Kalila]

And the. The woman, again, is just a distant family friend. She's so lovely. She was so nice. She's like, I don't want you to feel weird about this. Like, it makes me so happy that you're taking some of this stuff. Like, it's just gonna go in the trash if you don't take it. And she had all these really nice clothes. And at first I was like, I don't know. Like, I feel kind of uncomfortable. And she was very encouraging in a way that became, like, hard to say no to. She was like, try on this dress. Try on this dress. And did I get like 30 dresses from a dead woman that are currently at the dry cleaner? When I took them, the dry cleaner was like. Like the whole dry. I. You know, when old clothes have kind of a smell, like, I thrift all the time. So it's not weird to me, the idea of wearing a dead woman's clothes at all. Sure.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

We're all doing it at all times. In fact, if you're not wearing a.

[Kalila]

Dead person's clothes, you're wasteful and you're an eco terrorist. Yeah, I'm not an eco terrorist. So, like, they kind of had a little bit of a shoe. I think she might have been a hoarder. So there's a lot of stuff, and it kind of had like a hoardery smell. But I was like, whatever, I'll take it to the dry cleaner. It's fine. So I, like, walk in the dry cleaner, and it was like the music stopped and there was a record scratch, and everyone in the dry cleaner, like, whipped their head over. I was, like, dropping off, like, just trying to be as normal as possible. And they're like, where were these clothes? They knew. I was like, oh, they're just. I. I don't want to get into it with this dry cleaner. Obviously.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

They're like, ethel.

[Kalila]

And they're like, have these been in a closet for a really long time? I was like, why? And I guess they were like, they smell like closet. And we probably can't get the smell out, but we'll try our best. What?

[Caroline Goldfarb]

You can't get the smell of closet out? Well, then go out of business. You're not able to do anything, Mal.

[Kalila]

You have to tell that to my dry cleaner in North Hollywood. But anyway, so I've had a pretty big two weeks. Wow.

[Esther Povitsky]

Wait, this is incredible. I wish we would have gotten a 10 text.

[Kalila]

Would you guys have come?

[Esther Povitsky]

Absolutely. A hundred percent.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

And if you don't think that we're gonna make you cut the Pilates Reformer in half after today, you're mistaken.

[Kalila]

I also got the accessories for the reformer.

[Esther Povitsky]

What a win. Congratulations.

[Kalila]

Yeah. So my career is going pretty. Things are going pretty. I haven't had sugar in about 12 minutes.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

I was feeling faint. Did you notice?

[Kalila]

Oh. Oh, wait.

[Esther Povitsky]

They gave us some of their in house chocolate bars, too.

[Kalila]

Give it to me. No, don't give it to her.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

Show me the.

[Esther Povitsky]

This is the same, I think.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

Okay, you can have it.

[Esther Povitsky]

Wild Eyed Beast.

[Kalila]

Do you guys ever not eat the banana? Am I allowed to not eat it? You are allowed.

[Esther Povitsky]

Yeah, you are allowed.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

What if we said no? You have have to eat it. I would do it.

[Kalila]

I would do anything for you.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

You love bananas and you love banana flavor.

[Kalila]

I love bananas and I love banana flavor. Wait, I got a Ninja Creamy. Have we talked about this? I have one.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

I haven't used it yet.

[Kalila]

I use it every single night.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

Is it the ice cream maker recipes? Wait, is the Ninja Creamy? Be honest. Is it from the dead woman?

[Kalila]

No, sadly, it was new and I love it less because it wasn't a dead woman's. I love the ninja creamy you make. Are you not art? Do you get them in your TikTok? Feed my whole TikTok. FYP is ninja creamy.

[Esther Povitsky]

No, but I did gift one gift my sister a ninja creamy for Christmas. I just have never tried it.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

How's she doing, by the way, with the ninja creamy?

[Kalila]

With her constipation.

[Esther Povitsky]

Oh, my niece.

[Kalila]

How's your knee?

[Esther Povitsky]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. She really took you guys advice to heart. She went with a metamucil.

[Kalila]

She ate matcha. That was her only meal.

[Esther Povitsky]

Right. I gave her the more magnesium citrate. That's working out. She heard you say fleet enema.

[Kalila]

Yeah, one time.

[Esther Povitsky]

So when she's on her fifth day of constipation, she does. She's just like, look, I have to unload. And she used as the fleet suppository.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

The suppository. Yeah. That's really.

[Kalila]

Yeah, those were I just do in the bathroom here.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

You did?

[Kalila]

You did? No, of course not. I don't even know what you guys are actually.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

It's like a little piece of like gel or something.

[Esther Povitsky]

Yeah. But it works in like two minutes.

[Kalila]

Me squeezing it on the donut.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

Caroline back. It's best I don't tell you.

[Kalila]

Let her do it. Let her do it.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

She knows what she's doing. You like, when I was pregnant, I was so constipated. You put it up there and it just kind of like gets the juices flowing and your body's like. Oh, I think it's. I'm supposed to make poop now, but.

[Esther Povitsky]

Very quick turnaround with two minutes. Yeah, it's. It's not even a. You have to plan for it.

[Kalila]

It's really good to know, but I.

[Esther Povitsky]

Wouldn'T use it as like an everyday thing. She. When she's on her fifth day, she. She. She's desperate. She turns to it.

[Kalila]

Where would one buy them?

[Esther Povitsky]

Anywhere.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

Yeah.

[Esther Povitsky]

Amazon, Target, any pharmacy.

[Kalila]

I think that's the place. I've never been constipated in my life. I. I tend the other way. As you. As you may or may know, as was mentioned in my writer. Yeah. I mean, I eat a lot of fiber.

[Esther Povitsky]

Yeah. I'm. I'm definitely.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

Did you say you didn't.

[Kalila]

No, no, I didn't.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

We just are going to have problems tomorrow.

[Kalila]

I'll be working out on the ref.

[Esther Povitsky]

You tend to swing creamy.

[Kalila]

I swing a bit. I would say I swing a bit creamy.

[Esther Povitsky]

Me too.

[Kalila]

Yeah.

[Esther Povitsky]

I'm a soft serve.

[Kalila]

Yeah, absolutely. I mean, I'm in 2A days sometimes.

[Esther Povitsky]

What's crazy is that, like, I had my first, like, hard poop, and I. What I think is, like, over seven years. And this thing had, like, edges. And I'm sorry, but I really felt for you in that moment. All I could think about as it was coming out of me was, poor Esther. This is her life.

[Kalila]

It's childbirth.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

It's very difficult. And I have been waiting for you to see that for seven years.

[Kalila]

Is it just like. It's not all what we eat? It's genetics and stuff, right? Like, Esther can't control that she has hard little pellet poops. That's not her fault. She shits rocks. She's sitting here.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

I've been doing okay. All right.

[Kalila]

Toilet looks like a Minecraft game.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

I do okay for myself. All right. Okay.

[Kalila]

Wait. Are you guys familiar with the stool scale?

[Caroline Goldfarb]

Oh, like the pictures?

[Esther Povitsky]

Yeah.

[Kalila]

I am obsessed with that for some reason. Like, that's my Mona Lisa.

[Esther Povitsky]

Yeah. I mean, you have to check. Does it float? Does it sink?

[Kalila]

Edges, edges. Does it float?

[Esther Povitsky]

The S curve. The curve.

[Kalila]

The cracks.

[Esther Povitsky]

Color. Oh, color is major, guys.

[Kalila]

I know. Have you guys heard about the things. Do we talk about this? Last time I was here, I'm having deja vu where you, like, eat a color of some, like, a colored thing and then you see how long it takes for you to the color out. That's like another test you could do because it's not just edges and. And cracks. It's speed. We have to be worried about speed. Oh, yeah.

[Esther Povitsky]

Can I give you guys some homework? It relates to this.

[Kalila]

I feel like I was tmi. I talked about dead people and poops. I've never.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

I think you're in the right place, though.

[Esther Povitsky]

Yeah.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

Yeah.

[Esther Povitsky]

This is the place place, too.

[Kalila]

Okay, cool.

[Esther Povitsky]

Yeah.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

Ray Wilson came on and was like, can I tell you about my ball surgery? We're like, this is what you think of us, and that's fine.

[Kalila]

Okay, perfect.

[Esther Povitsky]

You have. You guys had shirataki noodles, like the. From Konjac.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

Those are like the zero calorie noodle magic noodles.

[Esther Povitsky]

Yeah, the magic noodles. I'm still uncertain as to whether or not, you know, they're good for us because they're kind of just like, very empty. They're not. Not that nutritious. They're there just for, I don't know, to fill up your needs for noodles.

[Kalila]

They're for anorexic girls, let's be honest.

[Esther Povitsky]

Yes, they are. But the speed at which they come out the other way as noodles as noodles is quite extraordinary. And I really want to know if it's just me or if it comes out as something else for you and you. But it came out as noodles for me.

[Kalila]

And what's your chewing?

[Esther Povitsky]

I chew well, you know. You're on to something. I don't chew. I'm such a pig. I like inhale food, as Esther says.

[Kalila]

You drink? Yeah. Drink the food. I drink the food, yes.

[Esther Povitsky]

Oh, okay.

[Kalila]

One time I heard about food, like fat, fancy fat camp kind of thing where they force you every bite must be chewed 30 times, and that's standard. And sometimes I think about that when I'm drinking my food. I also don't like to chew certain meals, and 30 is a lot. Try it.

[Esther Povitsky]

That's. I have too much TMJ for that.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

Yeah, that would hurt my jaw. I can confirm.

[Esther Povitsky]

I can't do that.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

You know, I'm at peace with your mastication. Sometimes you drink a meal, and that's fine. Sometimes you go three days without shitting, and that's fine. Like, let me be. You know, I don't need a.

[Esther Povitsky]

But the problem is, Esther, you go get a CT scan because of. You're full of farts.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

Gas, not farts. And it was one meal at a hillstone. Yeah. And it was a good meal, but I just didn't realize the damage that I did. And I did need to get a scan after the pernuvo. No, not the.

[Kalila]

There's farts in your lungs. There are farts from tip to toe in my breast.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

Breast tissue.

[Esther Povitsky]

I'm seeing a little fart.

[Kalila]

Oh, my God. It's all farts. They're like. We. We've never seen anything like that.

[Esther Povitsky]

Wait, but that has happened to me, though, when you've just.

[Kalila]

Wait.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

I lay in water, I float, you.

[Esther Povitsky]

Know, nothing touches the water.

[Kalila]

Everything's a sensory deprivation tank, Esther. Pools, baths, all because of the farts.

[Esther Povitsky]

But you've never had. You've never held farts in so long that you feel it up your, like, flanks, up here, and into, like, your upper ribs. Because I have. I remember working at Abercrombie folding clothes, and I just, like. I can't fart in front of these people. And I swear to you, it, like, reached my armpits.

[Kalila]

That's. It's really. I used to suck in farts a lot because it's so easy. Like, you're just going about your day and a fart comes on. And when you're at your Abercrombie or you're maybe in like a. A 5x6 podcast studio. I don't know, I'm just balling here. And you just. You can suck it in so easy. And it's like once you discover that power, with great power comes great responsibility, honestly. And I used to suck them in all the time. And recently I googled. I was like, what happens when you suck in a fart? Cause I'm like, they come out your eyes, they go into your blood.

[Esther Povitsky]

Oh, I thought you could just burp yourself.

[Kalila]

No, I don't think you burp it the other way. We have to Google this.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

But I'm.

[Kalila]

I'm pretty sure it poisons your blood. So upsetting. It's so upsetting. I've been sucking in farts for years.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

Not you bragging about how easy it.

[Esther Povitsky]

Is for you to say.

[Kalila]

Do you guys not suck in farts? I do, I do.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

But I'm not gonna say it's like the easiest thing. Like you just. It's not fun with casual freedom.

[Kalila]

I do find it kind of fun, and I'm sort of ashamed to admit that, but I also feel empowered saying it.

[Esther Povitsky]

It does say it isn't hard.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

Harmful.

[Kalila]

Okay.

[Esther Povitsky]

It's not recommended.

[Kalila]

Okay. I did read it on. I did read on a conspiracy theory website. No, I'm just kidding. So it's not recommended?

[Caroline Goldfarb]

No. Will you do a substack episode about holding?

[Kalila]

I would love to. 8,000 words. Immediately write it. No typos.

[Esther Povitsky]

The body reabsorbs some of the gas and releases it through the lungs when you breathe.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

Gross. However, most of the gas will remain.

[Esther Povitsky]

In your digestive system system until you.

[Kalila]

Release it through a fart or a burp.

[Esther Povitsky]

If you hold in too much gas for too long, it will eventually escape uncontrollably through your.

[Kalila]

You don't see anything about it going into your blood? Not one. Okay. I'm really happy you fact checked that because that. Yeah, that was reckless.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

You count that as fact check.

[Kalila]

Fact check. I'm so happy you guys have such a great fact checking system here.

[Esther Povitsky]

But then, you know, I think it's true that women have micro flatulence and men have macro.

[Kalila]

No. Oh, no. Esther's wielding the banana weapon.

[Esther Povitsky]

What happened? To be fair, I don't see blood literally anymore.

[Kalila]

Thank God. Okay. And you control f blood.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

I did not hold in my farts.

[Kalila]

Wait, I'm googling this. I'm gonna freeze. Oh, no. Oh, no.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

You too, Esther.

[Kalila]

Please, Esther, put it down.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

Esther.

[Kalila]

It's not worth it. Please, Esther. Sucking in farts blood. I don't know where I saw this. Okay, I found farting blood. I'm gonna keep looking. I was gonna say, when I come back, I'll give you guys the update on what I found.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

When you go out of town, can I come over for your Pilates Reformer? I don't wanna use it when you're there. I don't want you to see it's.

[Kalila]

Sitting in my garage.

[Esther Povitsky]

Wait, you could do it as, like, a swimply.

[Kalila]

Oh, my God.

[Esther Povitsky]

Do you know what?

[Caroline Goldfarb]

Oh, where you rent pools, Right?

[Esther Povitsky]

But then people can use your Pilates Reformer in your neighborhood.

[Kalila]

$200 an hour.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

Can I make a reservation? I'll take every day.

[Kalila]

Isn't it amazing? I'm not. I wish I were. I'm using it like once or twice a week. But I also haven't figured out, like, one of my. I kind of feel stupid on it when I'm working there.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

Yeah, but you look stupid on it.

[Kalila]

Esther, how many croissants did you know? But it don't.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

Bad girl.

[Kalila]

Good girl.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

Oh, my God. I've unraveled from the mochi donut.

[Esther Povitsky]

I think I have too, a little bit.

[Kalila]

No, you guys were doing great.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

Really, it's. You think I'm pretty?

[Kalila]

You said it. The size, the chain, it's been. It's a bit violent, this downsizing for me, emotionally, like, oh, we're in the studio.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

We're in a different studio today, which we're. We still have that studio.

[Kalila]

Oh, you guys just switch it up.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

We're just. Things are good.

[Kalila]

We just do the college. We just do the college radio station set up when I'm here. Yeah, it feels like we're hosting a college news show a little bit.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

Sure. Did you watch the game this weekend? It was good.

[Kalila]

Are you gonna go to the other.

[Esther Povitsky]

Big game this weekend? Yeah.

[Kalila]

Okay, cool.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

I'll see you there. Okay.

[Kalila]

Speaking of mochi nuts, I got a UTI this weekend.

[Esther Povitsky]

The worst.

[Kalila]

Are you UTI girlies or.

[Esther Povitsky]

I was in college until I figured it out.

[Kalila]

I have figured it out, but I still have slips sometimes because you know why? The only solution for me is peeing right after sex. It cannot be even like five minutes after sex. It has to be immediate.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

You need to find a guy that wants you. Of course, guys, after sex.

[Esther Povitsky]

Can I also just say, by the way, I also learned that it's very partner dependent. There are people who will set your ph off or set you off into a UTI a lot more frequently. Frequently than some.

[Kalila]

Well, Cardi B did post a video last week about vaginal health and she Is basically a doctor to me. I love when she talks about, like biology.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

What did she say?

[Kalila]

She was like, you all think that you're getting these infections because of like xyz, but it's because you, you're eating full meals and sucking. You're not brushing your teeth and sucking your boyfriend's dick and letting him put it in your vagina and you're basically just getting like chicken chow mein all over your vagina.

[Esther Povitsky]

I did hear her say this, and that's brilliant.

[Kalila]

I do think that did contribute to my uti. I had cooked quite an elaborate multi.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

Course chow mein setting.

[Kalila]

Savory meal wasn't chow mein, but like afterwards me and my partner got amyris and it was the heat of the moment. And, you know, you don't think like, let's brush our teeth and wash our.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

Hands and use mouthpiece if you're having sex with me. You do, you dirty fucking whore.

[Kalila]

And the next thing I knew, like I did during it kind of feel like my vagina was feeling a little savory. Like, I remember thinking like, that's not a good feeling.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

You could see the taste was coming up. You could taste it a little bit. A little bit.

[Kalila]

I have taste buds down there. Like, I just remember kind of thinking and like hearing Cardi b's words in my mind. And then the next thing I knew, I also didn't pee right after. I peed like 10 minutes after. It's too long.

[Esther Povitsky]

It's too long.

[Kalila]

And I just, it's just such a bummer in the moment to like. Because after the, you know, oh, you all come and you're like all nuzzly and you just want to be like, that was nice. And like, have a nice moment. But it's so unsexy to be like, sorry, gotta go piss. And like, you know, I don't know.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

The guy's like, oh, I just coughed up a green onion.

[Esther Povitsky]

But that is interesting because, I mean, technically they say the UTI like is from fecal. Yeah, fecal. Right.

[Kalila]

Well, you don't know what I cooked. I know, I'm sorry. This is so gross.

[Esther Povitsky]

No, no, no, because this is interesting to me because. Because I had a partner that for some reason I would get so many UTIs with constantly. And I thought it was maybe a me issue or that I had a short urethra. And I remember just once a month I would have. I'd be in the bathroom floor because you have the urgency to pee. Be on the cranberry stuff. And then eventually we broke up And I was like, oh. I kind of, like, was deterred from wanting to have sex because I would get them so frequently. But then I'd never had one since him. And it's been over 10 years, maybe 15 years even, because I was in college. I haven't had a UTI since. So I was like, what was it about him? And I don't think, like, my sexual practices change. There was something about him that really set it off. He had a dick. Was like, where was he dipping it into his own.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

But I do think some women are just more prone to them.

[Kalila]

I think so.

[Esther Povitsky]

I think when you have a short urethra, apparently, is what they say. But. But yeah, I always thought that was really interesting.

[Kalila]

I get them every partner, really. My pussy does not discriminate.

[Esther Povitsky]

My pussy is very sensitive to any ph changes. So, like, fabrics. So that will throw me into, like, the weirdest stuff. If it's not, like, cotton, if it's anything but a cotton gusset, it's over for me.

[Kalila]

I love the word gusset, by the way, and I'm so happy you used it. Such an underutilized.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

Yes, we should increase our usage of gusset.

[Kalila]

More cola flavor, more gusset, more people saying gusset.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

And that, my friends, is why you vote Caroline and Delilah and Esther into office as Kamala's speechwriter. Don't vote for us, and this country will go where it needs to go. That's what I say.

[Kalila]

No.

[Esther Povitsky]

You want farts in your lungs?

[Caroline Goldfarb]

We'll protect you. Call us. You guys, thank you so much.

[Kalila]

Caroline, are you talking on the banana phone or are you talking to us?

[Caroline Goldfarb]

Hold on, I'll call.

[Kalila]

Don't big time us. Oh, wait, wait. They passed because I don't want to make the show. Oh, they're fired.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

Okay, I am fired. I will clear out my desk. Thank you, you guys, thank you so much for listening. Caroline.

[Kalila]

Yes.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

Where can we see more of you? Besides renting your Pilates Reformer in your.

[Kalila]

Garage so you can. I'll be sending out a doodle link to rent my Pilates reformer, so keep an eye on that. It'll be in everyone's inboxes. Okay. You can find me on substack.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

Yes. Where do we go? I really don't link in your Instagram.

[Kalila]

Yeah, I think the links in my Instagram bio, it's like carolinegoldfarb.substack.com something like that.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

I read the one this week about protein.

[Kalila]

I actually. This is serious. Serious need you guys to help me with the next post. I'm doing a post on skims and I'm asking all my girlfriends what their favorite skims products are. So you guys contribute. Look at, look.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

Skims pants right now.

[Kalila]

Easy. Okay, done.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

Shirt and bra.

[Kalila]

Okay, I might have to email you guys. So substack Instagram at Caroline, underscore gold, Barb and yo Texas College Girls, premiering in November. Date tbd. When is this episode coming out? Tuesday. Oh, okay. Well, you could have seen me last month doing something else, but never mind the returns line at ikea returning used pillows and. Yeah, that's pretty much it.

[Caroline Goldfarb]

Oh, my gosh and slugs. I will be in Austin, Texas at Cap city comedy club November 22nd and 23rd. You can get tickets at the link in my Instagram bio and link in description and that's it. Right? We'll see you guys next week with a brand new episode.

[Kalila]

Yeah.