Esther And Khalyla Are Two Peas On A Pod

Summary

Trash Tuesday w/ Esther Povitsky & Khalyla Kuhn
Episode: Esther And Khalyla Are Two Peas On A Pod
Date: March 10, 2026

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Episode Overview

This warm, cozy, and hilariously raw episode of Trash Tuesday is just "the girls": hosts Esther Povitsky and Khalyla Kuhn (joined at times by producer Jenna), without a guest. The episode reflects on the intimacy and unpredictability that arises when friends record together, delving into honest takes on celebrity allure, quirky parental communication, body changes and motherhood, podcasting milestones, and the hosts’ growth over the years. The mood oscillates from raucous laughter to touching vulnerability, all peppered with classic Trash Tuesday candor and offbeat humor.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Unique Vibe of Host-Only Episodes

Timestamps: [00:01–01:32]

• Esther and Khalyla discuss how the dynamic shifts when it’s just them—no guests, no pretenses.
• Khalyla admits to being "a little bit" nervous about the guest-less setup, joking, “My armpits are sweating.” [00:33]
• Esther finds freedom in the situation: “There's a realness in the room because we are not like host hosting someone.” [00:50]
• Both agree there’s a comfortable, let-your-guard-down energy: “You can just let your balls hang and be whatever.” —Khalyla [01:08]

2. Celebrity Allure and In-Person Energy

Timestamps: [01:58–04:44]

• Esther recounts meeting Will Arnett: “He was so hot in person. I had no idea... Just like standard white guy ...when you see a celebrity in person and they hit you're just like what? [02:02]
• The hosts reflect on how some people’s attractiveness or energy only comes through in real life.
• Khalyla: “He has his own prototype.” [03:10]
• They muse on how perceptions differ between celebrity images and reality, adding comedic touches to their observations.

3. Parent Communication Styles & Cultural Quirks

Timestamps: [04:27–08:33]

• Khalyla tells an elaborate, funny story about translating her Filipino mom’s cryptic movie references: “My mom talks in limericks. My whole life... everything she says I have to decode.” [04:49]
• Esther contrasts her mother’s verbose storytelling with Jenna's “master backstory” abilities.
• The hosts bond over how family communication shapes their quirks and patience levels.

Memorable Quote:

“She goes, ‘She's in a movie with Voldemort, the short, funny Mexican guy.’ ... Wilmer Valderrama is acting in a Christmas movie with Danny DeVito's daughter. That's what she wanted to say.” —Khalyla [06:21, 07:00]

4. The Curse of the Babadook: Superstitions & OCD

Timestamps: [10:04–11:46]

• Khalyla shares a pattern of bad luck connected to her beloved senior dog’s groomer and wonders if she’s cursed: “Does she have a babadook on her? Is it her that's causing these cascade of events?” [11:00]
• Esther empathizes: “Once you get something in your head, it's really hard to shake it and it's not worth it.” [12:05]

5. Light Switch Preferences & Lighting Realities

Timestamps: [12:28–15:39]

• Esther is baffled by people’s preferences for different light switches, while Khalyla, referencing childhood electrocutions, feels differently.
• Khalyla's experiences in the Philippines with unsafe wiring ("I've been electrocuted at least, like, 50 times in my life.")—details how her sensitivity developed. [13:31]
• They discuss lighting in public spaces like gyms and how clever lighting and mirrors in stores like Abercrombie boost self-esteem.
• Khalyla: “If I were a gym owner, I would do the lighting so that everyone looks like they're making gains all day…” [15:15]

6. Body Image, Pregnancy, and the Myth of Postpartum Changes

Timestamps: [16:26–22:53]

• Both open up about the weird, non-linear changes to their bodies in pregnancy and postpartum.
• Khalyla: “My changes to my body were so comedic...” [17:05]
• Discuss the common, but largely false, notion that vaginal birth irreparably changes women’s bodies. Esther: “It's kind of weird because there's no PR that's, like, that's not true. Right? You only hear that, like, it [messes] it up.” [21:01]
• The hosts call out the arbitrary “6 weeks” postpartum rule for resuming sex and exercise:
  • “After six weeks? Hell no.” —Khalyla [21:52]
  • “After six months even I was like, no, thank you. I didn't feel, like, healed.” [21:53]
• Both advocate for shifting expectations: “For the women out there, I think that we should change that to six months. The expectation isn't like, oh, she's back in shape.” —Khalyla [22:43]

7. Snack Chat & The Saltiness of LA Girls

Timestamps: [28:01–31:24]

• Bananas are missing from the studio; Cheetos fill in the snack gap.
• Esther and Jenna admit to never having tried Cheetos; Kalila playfully teases: “You are that little white girl. White girl who doesn't like flavor.” [30:09]
• They riff on LA’s health culture and the myth of "the salt blow."

8. Five Years of Trash Tuesday: Podcast Longevity Reflections

Timestamps: [31:30–33:32]

• The crew is shocked at reaching five years as a podcast.
• Esther: “Podcasts do like 10 episodes and they quit.” [31:45]
• Khalyla admits enjoying seeing celebrity podcast projects fail: “I secretly do. Just because it's like, you thought it was easy.” [31:53]
• They credit their endurance to adapting to change and genuine connection.

9. Toxic Workplaces & Compassion in Adversity

Timestamps: [33:44–36:02]

• Khalyla shares a story about a friend with severe medical issues being treated unfairly by her employer while on leave.
• Both react with outrage, drawing a line between temporary pregnancy discomfort and chronic health crises.

10. Motherhood and Relationship Shifts

Timestamps: [41:26–46:42]

• Esther recounts her low-key Santa Barbara courthouse wedding, during which she FaceTimed Khalyla, who was freshly postpartum: “I will just never forget that image, like standing in my wedding dress, like looking at your face.” [41:53]
• Both get teary recalling the intense emotional period around early motherhood and marriage.
• Khalyla: “I tell aloha this all the time. It's like, I promise you I will feel romantic again. Like, I just feel like a robot…” [45:43]

11. Dream Guests, Nostalgia, and Exes

Timestamps: [47:44–51:17]

• The hosts share dream and “delusional” guests: Theo Von, Tony Hinchcliffe, and Meghan Markle, among others.
• Esther reflects on her nostalgia for past connections but jokes: “If you were to, like, compare any of my exes to Dave, it's like, literally comparing Dave to a paperclip… everyone else is paper clips.” [49:36]
• Khalyla discusses never romanticizing exes because all her relationships "play out too long."

12. Vulnerability, Perception, and Growth

Timestamps: [53:05–59:06]

• Both reflect on lessons learned from years of podcasting.
• Khalyla confides that she’s not truly an “open book”—her willingness to share trauma is a “red herring” to keep people from real vulnerability:
  • “The reason that I share those things is because I find that information disposable, and it keeps people from asking me more.” [54:24]
• Esther shares how the show’s early hate comments hurt her, but she became more resilient: “The pain doesn't go away... But you do at least just get used to it.” [56:32]
• Both admit to being more guarded and cautious about whom they keep in their lives, especially after becoming mothers.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On the power of in-person energy:
  “He really had that and I was just like, wow. This, this power of like a hot person with like that glamoury glow. That power is so undeniable and it will never go away.” —Esther on Will Arnett [02:58]

• On being diet-guarded:
  “No, I'm not getting into the mud with crazy people.” —Esther [57:37]

• On work boundaries:
  “I don't [mess] around anymore with people. I used to have this, like, threshold for, like, you can be a repeat offender and I'll still somehow forgive you. I don't do that anymore.” —Khalyla [59:06]

• On post-baby bodies and unrealistic timelines:
  “The one part that I will say, though, just the umbrella of, like, you can have sex after six weeks—After six weeks? Hell no.” —Khalyla [21:52]

• On authenticity and masks:
  "I'm very much a little bit of a shapeshifter... I wish I was a little bit more like you, where you're just like, just your trashy little self no matter where you go." —Khalyla [53:07]

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Episode Structure (with Timestamps)

| Segment | Time Range | Brief | | --- | --- | --- | | Opening banter, host-only dynamic | 00:01–01:32 | Establishing the guestless “realness” vibe | | Celebrity encounters & attractiveness | 01:58–04:44 | Will Arnett, star presence, perception | | Mom communication styles | 04:27–08:33 | Translating “Merites Limericks” vs. over-explanation | | Superstitions/OCD & the “Babadook” | 10:04–11:46 | Patterned bad luck, superstitious thinking | | Light switch, electrocution, and lighting | 12:28–15:39 | Childhood wiring trauma, lighting hacks | | Body image & postpartum myths | 16:26–22:53 | Physical changes, social pressures, fake timelines | | Snack chat & “salt blow” riff | 28:01–31:24 | Missing bananas, LA salt culture | | Podcasting longevity | 31:30–33:32 | 5 years celebrated, failures discussed | | Real-life adversity & compassion | 33:44–36:02 | Toxic work environment story | | Esther’s wedding, motherhood | 41:26–46:42 | Emotional storytelling, private vows | | Dream podcast guests | 47:44–51:17 | Fantasies, nostalgia, exes as “paper clips” | | Vulnerability and personal growth | 53:05–59:06 | Boundaries, being perceived, resilience secrets | | Wrap-up | 60:08–end | Teaser for Patreon, gratitude, listener engagement |

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Final Thoughts

This episode is a masterclass in honest, messy, hilarious female friendship and the unexpected directions life takes. Full of inside jokes, social commentary, and self-reflection, it showcases Esther, Khalyla, and Jenna at their most unfiltered—and endearing. For new and longtime “Sluggies” alike, it’s an invitation to sit on the pod and let your “balls hang.”

Transcript

[Esther]

I feel like I also would like to see Tony on the podcast someday, because I'd like to. I know.

[Kalila]

I'll stand back for that one. I'm gonna have you two.

[Esther]

You know, I just feel that, honestly, like, the only time in Tony's life where he knew discipline is like, when he was with me. And I feel like he needs it. Like, I feel like he needs the discipline for me. Are you nervous?

[Kalila]

A little bit. Are you?

[Esther]

No.

[Kalila]

It's because my armpits are sweating.

[Esther]

No, because it's just you and me.

[Kalila]

Creepy little bit. I swear. Yes. I was terrified. I couldn't even drive here. I had to take an Uber.

[Esther]

Is that true?

[Kalila]

Yeah. Because I had to think about. I'm like, oh, my God. I'm just up against Esther today. I'm up against Esther. This is a nightmare.

[Esther]

What's gonna happen? There's no guest. Save me. No guest to save us. Save you also. There's like such a realness in the room because we are not like host hosting someone.

[Kalila]

Yeah. I. I want to ask you how you feel about. There is like a freedom, right?

[Esther]

I'm just kidding.

[Kalila]

There's a freedom when it's just really like friends or, you know, just. You can just let your balls hang and.

[Esther]

Yeah.

[Kalila]

Be whatever.

[Esther]

Which we do get. When it is Jenna and Jules.

[Kalila]

Yeah, we let our balls hang.

[Esther]

Like, truly though, when there is a guest here, I do feel like, you know, you have to kind of put your bow tie on and be like a grown up.

[Kalila]

I always try to match. Like, if I know they're respectable people, you'll. You can see me attempt to dress better. Like, I will put on like a proper jacket. That's like in tiger belly when we have Bill Burr on, I always come like, you know, I brush my eyebrows up.

[Esther]

That's so funny.

[Kalila]

I'm like, this is a real adult, I think.

[Esther]

But it's a comedian, so it's like, who cares?

[Kalila]

I know. Truly.

[Esther]

Last night I did this event for this movie. Is this thing on? It's like a movie about stand up comedy starring Will Arnett. He was so hot in person. I had no idea. Like, I've never, like, this is someone I've seen in media for like 15 years. Just like standard white guy. Like, there's nothing. I don't know if he's someone people think of as, like, hunky. Like, I don't think so. Like, no disrespect, but then I feel like it's that thing when you see a celebrity in person and they hit you're just like what? Usually it's like the female celebrity. When you see her in person, you're like, that's what you look like a superstar.

[Jenna]

Yeah.

[Esther]

But it really, he really had that and I was just like, wow. This, this power of like a hot person with like that glamoury glow. That power is so undeniable and it will never go away.

[Kalila]

I think with Will Arnett, he looks very specific. Like there is, there aren't a lot of people that he looks like Will Arnett.

[Esther]

Do you know what I mean?

[Kalila]

Like he doesn't really fit into like

[Esther]

a prototype that's so real.

[Kalila]

He has his own prototype.

[Esther]

Like when I say that are you like, what are you talking about? You do?

[Jenna]

Yeah.

[Esther]

Cuz I would never have gotten this.

[Kalila]

Oh, there are other people find so ugly. And I'm like, that is the shiniest person I've ever met. And it's. I can't even explain it. They just exude hotness. Who? I mean, not Will Arnett. I can see he's actually attractive on television too.

[Esther]

When I see these pictures on Google Image, I'm like, what am I looking at? Like, no.

[Kalila]

But then you see he's actually tall. He's tall, right?

[Esther]

He seemed mid height. Like not huge. Not sure.

[Kalila]

Okay.

[Esther]

I feel so disrespectful. If I really speak on how I feel about these photos. It's like, no, like classic white guy. No, it's okay.

[Kalila]

It's okay to, you know, say that a white guy is attractive.

[Esther]

No, like, I'm just saying like he doesn't look good in these photos.

[Kalila]

Oh yeah, yeah.

[Esther]

And then compared to how he looks in person and I'm like, oh, this

[Kalila]

is exactly the same about like when you say I only look hot when I stand up. I have like ugly sit down face. I'm just ugly when I sit down and I'm hot when I stand up. But it's true. No, I get it. I think you're.

[Jenna]

You're right.

[Esther]

I think it's just like only see you seated. So then when I see you elevated, I'm like, oh, next level.

[Kalila]

I want to ask you a question about your communication style with your mom. I'm. What I imagine is your mom is someone who just cuts to what she needs to say. She doesn't try to like mince her words. She's very economical about just her words in general.

[Esther]

Yeah.

[Kalila]

Like what she says is what she means.

[Esther]

Yeah. Your skin looks bad. You need to see a dermatologist, period.

[Kalila]

Yeah. My mom talks in limericks. My whole life I've. I thought this was a normal thing with, like, parents and kids, but I swear to God, everything she says I have to decode. Perfect example, the other day, because she's, like, hardcore into, like, pop culture and stuff, right? And she's like, oh, do you know that Danny DeVito and Ria Pearlman have a daughter that's an actress? And I said, I didn't know that. And then she says, she's in a mo. She's in a movie with Voldemort.

[Esther]

What is this?

[Kalila]

And. And I said, in. In my head, I didn't even. It didn't go. I didn't say Voldemort. In my head, I'm like, oh, it's probably some Harry Potter like, offshoot thing. Like, that's.

[Esther]

Yeah.

[Kalila]

In my head, like a spin off or whatever, right? And she goes, yeah, it's on Netflix right now. It's a Christmas movie. And I was like, oh, my God, how is it, like, you know, magic and Christmas with my mom when she says these things? I. Then my brain goes into decision flowchart. It's like, what does meritas mean? And it goes into. It starts to compute, compute, compute. And then I start to, you know, I need more context. I was like, ma. Voldemort. I'm like, that doesn't make. And she goes, no, the. The short, funny Mexican guy. What? Okay, exactly. Everyone's lost, right? This is how Merita speaks. She speaks to me in limericks.

[Esther]

Why?

[Kalila]

And she goes, I was like, she's acting in a Christmas movie with Voldemort, the short, funny Mexican guy. From that. What do you deduce.

[Producer/Assistant]

I thought you were talking about Ralph Fiennes.

[Esther]

At first, like, okay, no, but because

[Kalila]

I have played the meritas.

[Esther]

Yeah.

[Kalila]

Limerick game for so long, I was like, short, funny Mexican guy. And then the next thing, she says, yeah, she was the girlfriend of Lindsay Lohan. Now, to speak Merites, you have to understand that she doesn't have gender signifiers in her language. In Visaya, there's no, like, man. So girlfriend could mean boyfriend. Boyfriend could mean girlfriends. Yes, yes. So good.

[Esther]

But where does that land us? What?

[Kalila]

Wilmer Valderrama is acting in a Christmas movie with Danny DeVito's daughter. That's what she wanted to say.

[Esther]

Why did she want to say this to you?

[Kalila]

We saw Rhea Pearlman at the Beechwood Cafe once upon a time, and she was starstruck. Really? And she was like, oh, my God, we're sat right next to her, and she was really nice to Us. So she wanted to talk about how her daughter is now in a Christmas movie with Voldemort. That's like, you don't have those conversations with your mom. And I think this is why. Honestly, I think this is all my trauma is, like, having to decipher what the hell she's saying, because I feel

[Esther]

like that's both, like, foreign mom, but also just, like, parent who can't describe celebrities, and they always get it wrong. And you have to, like. Like, that is a common thing.

[Kalila]

When I see her speak to other people, she explains things perfectly, like, in full sentences. When she talks to my sister and I, she gets so lazy. She shorthands everything, and she doesn't want to tell you more. She's just like, they'll get it at some point.

[Esther]

Today, my mom is the opposite. She's like, so then Lucy from work, like, she just, like, tells the longest stories, and me and my dad are like, we don't know these people.

[Kalila]

What?

[Esther]

Get to the point. Like, she just. She talks, speaks in these long monologues.

[Kalila]

Like, Jenna.

[Esther]

Yeah.

[Kalila]

Yes.

[Jenna]

Yes.

[Esther]

But I feel like Jenna doesn't assume we know everyone. She's. Does she? I don't.

[Jenna]

She.

[Kalila]

Jenna is master backstory.

[Esther]

Yeah, she is.

[Kalila]

Like, I was like, I don't need the backstory. I just need the front story.

[Esther]

Sometimes, though, from Jenna, I really am sat and ready for, like, the full backstory. Like, when she gives me, like, a good monologue voice note about her day, I'm like, oh, this is. I've been waiting for this. So one time last Christmas, we flew. Jen and I flew home together. It was our first Christmas, like, with Ace, and Dave was meeting us later, and we get off the plane, and you know how, like, if you. You gate check a stroller when you travel with a baby? We're standing there. They're bringing everybody's stroller out. They're like, that's all the strollers. I'm like, no, it's not. Where's mine? They're like, we'll check again. They keep coming back. They're like, that's all the strollers. And, like, 30 minutes go by. They're like, oh, we finally found it. It was in the whatever. And I'm like, by that point, I had traveled with Ace probably, like, literally four times. So I just knew how smoothly this process went. And I'm like, what the. Like, that was so stressful because you're like, if you're there, you don't have your car seat stroller. You're like, I Don't know how I'm getting my baby home. I don't have a car seat. I'm stranded at Midway Airport. Jenna's mom came to pick us up, and we told her, and she goes, oh, I know why that happened. And we're like, why? She's like, because you're with Jenna. And I'm like, what? Like, really? And then, like, as this whole year has progressed, she's right. Like, whenever you're with Jenna, something goes wrong. And that's why Jenna's so entertaining, is because she lives her life, and, like, every day, something really does go wrong. And it's, like, amazing. It's in the way she reacts. It's, like, so funny.

[Kalila]

Wait, there's like, a babadook on her then?

[Esther]

Yeah. I don't understand.

[Kalila]

Oh, my God. Speaking. Speaking of babadooks, have you seen the movie? I haven't seen it in a long time, but it's something that, like, it's attached. Something that attaches to you, right? Tell me if this is just my postpartum OCD talking or if this is something you would actually consider happening. So there is a very specific dog groomer that I found for my senior dog, Remy, and they specifically do senior dogs. They're very gentle. They're very, you know, Remy's blind and deaf and needs a lot of just tlc. Like, not that. Like, fast heat, blow drying, whatever.

[Esther]

How old is remy now?

[Jenna]

He's 15.

[Esther]

Oh, wow.

[Kalila]

The first time that we brought this groomer on, I had to take my son to the ER because he had bloody spit up from my cracked nipple. And then the next. The very, very next day, the fires happened.

[Esther]

Oh, my God.

[Kalila]

These three things. The next time I book her, my son gets sick. And then another thing happens. Like, and now I'm thinking, does she have a babadook on her? Is it her that's causing these cascade of events? So I'm like, don't be this way. You're in therapy. You know better than to, like, attach, meaning to, like, this is your ocd. And then guess what? Last weekend, I booked her again. And that very same day, Aloha got into an accident.

[Esther]

What? Okay, I don't know what to say to this, because, like, I want to honor your ocd.

[Kalila]

Is she a Jenna? I got to talk to our therapist about this.

[Esther]

Are you going to stop booking her? Yeah, I think that's reasonable.

[Kalila]

Thank you. Oh, my God, thank you. I was hoping you would say that, but I think she's so great and wonderful.

[Esther]

That sucks.

[Kalila]

And I just. I'm like, it's not you. It's the Babadook.

[Esther]

I do really wonder what our amazing therapist would say to this.

[Kalila]

I see her on Thursday, so I will update you on what she says.

[Esther]

It's like, I do feel like once you get something in your head, it's really hard to shake it and that it's not worth it.

[Kalila]

Yeah.

[Esther]

Even though I don't believe in that stuff. Like, it's just not worth it to me to do it and then be, like, waiting for the other shoe to drop. So I wouldn't. I'd both not believe and still be a little scared and avoid.

[Kalila]

Yeah.

[Esther]

So there's, like, two different kinds of light switches. There's like, the little nub that's sticking out, and you go, like, up or down. Right. And then there's like, the one that is, like, flat. And you go, like, press it like that. Whatever. Someone was trying to tell me that one is better than the other. Like, they have a preference. And I'm like, there's no way you have a preference for what light switch. They're the same. It's. You just go like this or like this. Like, how can you give a. And I'm so specific and detailed in my life. Like, I'm so picky. That is one thing where I'm like, there's no way that you can have a preference to which one is better.

[Kalila]

Do they have a preference for one is just, like, an older look, and the other one is a more modern.

[Esther]

Is that. Is that coming up for you?

[Kalila]

I can understand it in the same way someone would have, like, a preference for, like, a fabric on their body. Because I'm very, very sensitive.

[Esther]

So different. That's. You're feeling it all over your body, like, all day.

[Kalila]

Senso.

[Esther]

For one second, like, yeah, I. I kind of.

[Kalila]

I'm on their side.

[Esther]

Then what do you prefer?

[Kalila]

You don't know this, but I've been electrocuted at least, like, 50 times in my life.

[Esther]

What the. I can't keep up.

[Kalila]

I think a lot of the buildings that I grew up with in the Philippines are, like, the houses. Like, they were not up to code, and so the electrical would, like, I don't know what, but I've been zapped a lot. I really think I attribute some of it to why, like, my brain is a little bit off. It's not just my mom beatings. It's electrocution. And the up down is a little bit scary for me because I'm like, is this an older Place. Am I gonna get that somehow this seems safer and less expensive.

[Esther]

Are you zapped by an up down switch?

[Kalila]

I've been. Yes. Oh, my God. The last time I was in the Philippines, I was in a gas station bathroom, and it was a up down, and I got zapped so hard, like, my teeth were like, they're chattering back to the car. But then I had been zapped so many times before that, so I'm like, oh, this is nothing. You know, I just need to sit down and drink some water, have a banana. Because if I told anyone in my family, like, okay, boohoo. Like, we all get zapped. Okay.

[Esther]

Does anyone on the crew have a light switch preference? Up or down or press?

[Producer/Assistant]

Probably the. The flat one.

[Esther]

Yeah.

[Producer/Assistant]

But we were just thinking about. What about the third? What about the.

[Esther]

Oh, the dial? The dial is maybe best when you have the up or down or the flat and you have a dimmer, then it's like a little, like, side dimmer. But if you have the dial, like a dj.

[Kalila]

Yeah.

[Esther]

You have so much control and power.

[Kalila]

Also, I have beef with just lighting in general.

[Esther]

What's your.

[Kalila]

It's like every gym I go to has fluorescent lighting.

[Esther]

Oh, yeah.

[Jenna]

Duh. Why.

[Kalila]

But why? That's not. It's not. It doesn't make me look prettier or make me want to go to the gym more. It makes me look ugly. I don't see my muscles. Well, if I were a gym owner, I would do the lighting so that everyone looks like they're making gains all day, but they're just like, whoa. Like, I. This is really happening for me. In the same way that Abercrombie does their lighting well in their changing rooms.

[Esther]

Oh, it's all.

[Kalila]

And they.

[Jenna]

They.

[Kalila]

They skew their mirrors.

[Esther]

Yeah.

[Kalila]

And it's like, why can't they do that for gyms? That's what I would do.

[Esther]

I think I've transitioned to the point in my life where I don't. I'm not mad at that.

[Kalila]

Like, ugly lighting. Like, no, no.

[Esther]

It, like scammy mirrors. I'm like, if you're going to scam me, that makes me think that this outfit looks better on me than it does. Like, I'm down.

[Kalila]

Me too. Because you're going to override my dysmorphia, and I need that.

[Esther]

Yeah. And I'm going to feel better in the outfit than I would have. And, like, when you feel better, you act better. You're more confident.

[Kalila]

Then you would have to have skin skewed mirrors at home because that's my problem. I get home, I put on the same thing, and I'm like, what happened? Why did it not look?

[Esther]

You know what I'm really doing? I am not looking in the mirror anymore. Like, I'm in that phase of pregnancy and just, you know, the whole body. We won't name names, but, like, all the areas of the body. I'm like, oh, no. I actively am. Just like, if I walk past a mirror naked, like, nope, not looking, not taking it in. I don't need to know. There's. It's none of my business. Like, sure, maybe when I'm, like, six months postpartum, I can start, like, investigating, but for right now, I don't want to see this. And when I do see it, it really freaks me out.

[Kalila]

My changes to my body were so comedic. Comedic that I was, like, in shock that I couldn't stop looking. Oh. Like, I couldn't throw up. I would sit there, and I'm like, no way. This is what's happening to my nipples. Like, there's just no way.

[Esther]

Okay, so people really are like, oh, you have a vaginal birth. Like, your shit's all up. It's like, no, actually, there's no changes down there. I mean, right after.

[Jenna]

Right?

[Esther]

It's like, don't look.

[Kalila]

But don't look. Don't look.

[Esther]

Don't look for a while. And then it's, like, completely fine.

[Kalila]

It's completely fine.

[Esther]

But it's just the titties.

[Kalila]

The titties change.

[Esther]

Like, I'm not comfortable with the changes, and I really wish that I would have, like, done Playboy, like, before this all went down.

[Kalila]

I didn't have Playboy titties before pregnancy, so I certainly don't have, you know, regrets about not doing Playboy. But you. Yes, you. I would have been like, you should have taken more photos.

[Esther]

Certain things should have been documented, and, like, they'll just be gone forever. They'll just be a memory between my exes and my husband and me. It's truly so. It's just so sad.

[Kalila]

After I. I gave birth, I like you. I'm like, I'm gonna wait to look down there. This is not. I could feel what it looked like.

[Esther]

Yeah.

[Kalila]

I'm, like, based on feeling. I kind of already. I already have a picture in my head of what it could possibly look like.

[Esther]

So.

[Kalila]

No, thank you. You know, I. I did what I had to do. I took really good care of her. Waited a long time to look. But then I started, like, you know, doing my daily washings after healing and I'm like, she feels different. I have to be careful when I talk to you about these things because you're. It's okay. Sensitive.

[Esther]

I'm only. Only when Jenna does it. You're safe.

[Kalila]

I don't have a lot of, like, overhang typically.

[Jenna]

Right.

[Kalila]

But I had some on one side.

[Esther]

Okay.

[Kalila]

Post birth, I have zero.

[Esther]

Wait, what? You got, like, a makeover, and this isn't.

[Jenna]

I.

[Kalila]

You know, there's such a thing as, like, a husband stitch, which is, like, such a disgusting thing where, like, guys are like, oh, why don't you throw an extra stitch in there, doc? And it's like, shut the up. I will kill you right now.

[Esther]

Yeah. That seems also, like, fake news.

[Kalila]

Yeah, it's fake news.

[Esther]

But no, you know, shout out to

[Kalila]

my doctor at Cedars. Whatever he did to put my area back together, he did it in a way that was, I think, very, like, cosmetic. I don't know what or how he is.

[Esther]

Why do I. The way you said my area back together, I picture he's like, got a tray and all the pieces are, like, out. And he's like, hm, how can I. He's, like, puzzling them back.

[Kalila]

I think it needed puzzling back. I think.

[Esther]

But you didn't, like, tear.

[Kalila]

I had second degree only.

[Jenna]

Okay.

[Esther]

I did, too.

[Kalila]

That's. Which I think, thank God, because once you go deeper into the muscle, it starts to become a problem. So I only had a second degree tear for a very, very big baby, which is amazing. Amazing.

[Esther]

Yeah. I had a second degree tear and I gave birth to an M and M. So world smallest baby. And still. But I. I think your doctor did a better job of, like, having you maybe go slow.

[Kalila]

Yeah.

[Esther]

Whereas I went, like, full speed ahead.

[Kalila]

No, he told me to, like, chill out. Chill out.

[Esther]

Yeah.

[Kalila]

Stop, stop, stop. And then different breathing out the baby patterns.

[Esther]

I think we were in a rush maybe, because whatever, like, infection concern. There's concerns. Right. Whereas, like, we needed to get her out and thankfully, like, it went really fast. But what I was gonna say is, like, I do feel that there is this, like. I don't want to say anti feminist because I'm like, have a complicated relationship with the word feminist. It's like kind of anti woman, where people will really just, like, be like, oh, if you've had a vaginal birth, like, ew. Like, it's all messed up and can't imagine that after, you know, this many kids. Whatever. And I'm like, it's kind of weird because there's no PR that's, like, that's not true. Right? You only hear that, like, it up.

[Kalila]

Yeah.

[Esther]

After I had a vaginal birth and things were not up, I was like, wait, am I a modern miracle? Like, am I the perfect woman? No, it just, like, that's a fake thing.

[Kalila]

It is a fake thing.

[Esther]

I just am annoyed and irritated at that concept that it feels like a way to. Just another way to be. Like, mothers are gross or like, so

[Kalila]

mean and so unnecessary.

[Esther]

And look, it's like crazy. Even with tears. Sorry, I know that's very uncomfortable for everyone to hear, especially including me. Even when you tear, there's no problems later.

[Kalila]

It just eventually heals.

[Esther]

And I also don't. I understand that some people do have problems later. So I don't want to be like, everything's perfect for everyone.

[Kalila]

Yeah. The one part that I will say, though, just the umbrella of, like, you can have sex after six weeks. After six weeks? Hell no.

[Esther]

No.

[Kalila]

After six months even I was like, no, thank you. I didn't feel, like, healed. I didn't feel like that's. That's such a arbitrary number thrown out there. And it's like, how can you assign like an estimated heal time to so many different kinds of bodies? Like that is. And so many different kinds of, like, births. Like, some don't tear, some have fourth degree, third degree tears.

[Esther]

Like six weeks.

[Kalila]

And now that's another thing that needs pr, is that men think that, well, you know, she worked out after six weeks or she's down to have sex after three weeks. That. Why aren't you. I hate that.

[Esther]

Six weeks.

[Kalila]

I was a mess. I was so. Still very much in the throes of healing.

[Esther]

Yeah, that's absolutely correct. It's like, just because things do eventually go back, it's like you need time.

[Jenna]

Yeah.

[Esther]

You need time.

[Kalila]

For the women out there, I think that we should change that to six months. The expectation isn't like, oh, she's back in shape.

[Esther]

Yeah. Sure is disturbing to me.

[Producer/Assistant]

I think the dudes wrote that one in in journal for sure.

[Esther]

You're right.

[Kalila]

What's the smallest amount of time that's acceptable?

[Esther]

You don't want to gross.

[Kalila]

This episode is brought to you by

[Jenna]

IQ Bar, our exclusive snack, hydration and coffee sponsor. IQ Bar Protein bars, IQ Mix hydration mixes and IQ Joe mushroom coffees are the delicious low sugar brain and body fuel you need to win your day. The ultimate sampler pack is a great way to try all IQ Bar products and flavors. You get nine IQ Bars, eight IQ Mix sticks, and four IQ Joe sticks. All IQ Bar products are packed with clean, delicious ingredients that keep you physically and mentally fit, like magnesium, lion's mane and more. I don't know if you're like me, but sometimes I'm the kind of person who forgets to eat until suddenly I am so so hungry and I start making horrible decisions. So lately I've been trying to keep better snacks around that actually give me energy instead of just sugar crashing me 10 minutes later. Something quick, portable, not full of junk. By the way, I've been telling Esther about IQ Bar since the moment they hit the shelves years ago and and I am still thoroughly obsessed with every single product they've come out with. And right now IQ Bar is offering our special podcast listeners 20% off of all IQ Bar products, including the ultimate sampler package, plus free shipping. To get your 20% off, text trash to 64,000. Text trash to 64,000. That's trash to 64,000. Message and data rates may apply. See Terms for details. So you know I'm a new mom. Things get busy and as the new year has kicked off, I've really been trying to simplify everything I can including dinner with work routine starting back up. Having Home Chef deliver fresh pre portioned meals takes a huge weight off of my plate. It's the easiest way to start the year feeling organized with well fed and way less stressed. And Home Chef makes cooking so simple you guys. Fresh food delivered, easy, super easy recipes to follow and meals that actually taste great and people really, really love it. Home Chef is rated number one by users of other meal kits for quality, convenience, value, taste and recipe ease. They worked with renowned chefs like Gordon Ramsay and now they're partnering with Giada De Laurentiis, who my mom absolutely is obsessed with with bringing restaurant quality recipes straight to your kitchen. And for a limited time, Home Chef is offering our listeners 50% off and free shipping for your first box plus free desserts for life. Go to homechef.com trashtuesday that's home chef.com trashtuesday for 50% off your first box and free dessert for life. Homechef.com trashtuesday must be an active subscriber to receive free dessert. You guys, money is complicated and if you're like me and your relationship with money is sometimes not so easy, Monarch might actually help set yourself up for for financial success this year. Monarch is the all in one personal finance tool designed to make your life easier. It brings your entire financial life, budgeting accounts and investments, net worth and future planning together in one dashboard on your phone or laptop. Feel aware and control of your finances this year and get 50% off your monarch subscription with Code Trash Tuesday. Monarch is a budgeting app, but not in like a shamey spreadsheet way. It's more like hey, what's going on here? Let's stop panic, let's actually try to fix this. And you know, since I've become a mom, I've become even and more acutely aware of where my money is going, what I'm spending on. So with Monarch now I'm building an emergency fund, saving for major milestones like buying a home in the future or even my kids education. Set yourself up for financial success in 2026 with Monarch. The all in one tool that makes proactive money management simple all year long. Use code trash [e-mail] for half off your first year. That's 50% off your first [e-mail] with code trash Tuesday.

[Kalila]

Okay, real talk, I'm a new mom,

[Jenna]

which means sleep is already unpredictable. So if I'm only getting four hours of solid sleep, it has to count. Which is why I only sleep on a Helix. Helix is the most awarded mattress brand tested and reviewed by experts like Forbes and Wired. It's so easy. You take their little quiz and they match you with a mattress made specifically for your sleeping style. For example, I run hot when I sleep. I am also a side sleeper. So I got matched with a midnight mattress have the option to upgrade to a plusher version. So I got the luxe version of that midnight mattress. The Happy with Helix guarantee offers a risk free customer first experience designed to ensure you're completely satisfied with your new mattress. 120 night sleep trial and limited lifetime warranty. Go to helixsleep.comtrashtuesday for 27% off site wide. This is exclusive for listeners of trash Tuesday. That's helixsleep.com trashtuesday for 27% off sitewide. Make sure you enter our show name after checkout so they know we sent you helix sleep.com Trash Tuesday.

[Producer/Assistant]

Unfortunately, we have no bananas today for the banana.

[Kalila]

Oh my God. I was going to say can I have my banana early? I'm so hungry.

[Producer/Assistant]

But we do have some questions from the sluggies.

[Kalila]

You know, this is why I think I'm a witch. Why I know everyone's like, I have psychic powers. Yes. Because on my Uber ride over here, I took an Uber because Aloha needed to do a job thing and his car, he got into an accident. He can't use his car. The airbags deployed. So they totaled it, right?

[Esther]

They totaled his car.

[Kalila]

You. When you. The airbag deploys, I think you're. You considered a total, even though the car is probably very fixable, and then

[Esther]

you have to get a new car.

[Kalila]

Yeah, I think so. So anyways, and he has a big, massive truck, so this is why I think I'm a witch. On my way over here, I was like, oh, my God. I didn't bring my water. I have a massive headache, and I didn't have breakfast because he had to go somewhere, and he didn't cook me breakfast. So I was like, I bet you I'm so lucky today that they forgot the bananas. Stop. I thought about that, like, two blocks from here, and I was like, no, don't wish that on yourself, Kalila. And guess what happened.

[Producer/Assistant]

You forgot the banana.

[Kalila]

No bananas.

[Esther]

Do you think your migraine is from, like, not eating?

[Kalila]

It's probably just my period. Okay. But if I start to glitch out, does anyone have, like, a Cheeto?

[Producer/Assistant]

Oh, yeah, we got Cheetos.

[Esther]

Do you have a Cheeto or just

[Kalila]

chips and stuff like that?

[Esther]

That's a good idea.

[Kalila]

Yeah.

[Esther]

God, I'm so. It's like, pregnancy is so taken over. Like, when you said you had no water, I'm just like. Like, I. The thought of no water right now is like death.

[Kalila]

Are you kidding me? I am dying from. No. That's the. All the mistakes I made this morning. I'm like, this is so stupid. I never leave the house without water because I'm breastfeeding. You are, like, thirsty beyond thirsty all the time. So I'm like, what the was I thinking this morning? Oh, yay.

[Jenna]

Thank you.

[Esther]

Wow.

[Producer/Assistant]

Cheeto break.

[Kalila]

I would offer you some, but I've never had Cheetos. I never had hot Cheetos.

[Esther]

I've never had any Cheetos, and I don't want to try them.

[Jenna]

Why?

[Kalila]

What happened there?

[Esther]

I don't know. When I was little, they always looked gross to me.

[Kalila]

Even the hot Cheetos.

[Esther]

Of course, I don't like spicy.

[Kalila]

Oh, yeah. You are that little white girl.

[Esther]

The little white girl of your nightmares.

[Kalila]

White girl who doesn't like flavor.

[Esther]

I had a lot of salt, but

[Kalila]

I also think that's such an l. A girl thing to, like, fear salt.

[Esther]

Yeah, I don't. I've never feared salt. I just used to not love salty food, and now I really, really do.

[Kalila]

But you know what I mean, right? Like, a lot of, like, oh, yeah,

[Esther]

it's gonna blow you.

[Kalila]

It's gonna blow you. It's like, guys, it's an electrolyte. Like, you do need it to, like, properly function. You can't just avoid salts.

[Jenna]

Yeah.

[Esther]

I've never really experienced the salt blow. And I do wonder about that. Is it some people that they're just really sensitive or are they just, like, delusional and they're making it up for attention?

[Kalila]

Listen, if you already have hypertension, high blood pressure, and some, like, other issues, yeah, you do need to be careful with your salt. But for the most part, it's like you need it.

[Jenna]

It's.

[Kalila]

There's a reason why it's part of our diet. And if you are living very unhealthily, like, and you have an excess in salt.

[Esther]

Yeah.

[Kalila]

You'll, you know, retain more water because, you know, that's what salt does. But, you know, maybe they'll give you a little bit of volume in your face. Yeah.

[Esther]

A little puff.

[Kalila]

That's so bad.

[Esther]

What's bad about puffy?

[Kalila]

Let's bring back the puff. In the age of Ozempic, be puffy.

[Esther]

It's so cute.

[Producer/Assistant]

Got some questions from the Patreon and from the Instagram from some sluggies.

[Esther]

Are you guys stoked that you've been almost a podcast for almost five years? Is that true? Oh, really? Is that true? Whoa. That's a long time.

[Kalila]

It is.

[Esther]

That's, like, impressive.

[Kalila]

That's an impressive for any relationship.

[Esther]

That's, like, so impressive for any business. Like, businesses go out of business. Podcasts do like 10 episodes and they quit.

[Kalila]

I love it when I see that happen. I secretly do. Just because it's like, you thought it was easy.

[Esther]

I know people thinking podcasting is, like, just so simple.

[Jenna]

Sick.

[Kalila]

Well, that's all you do. You don't have a real job. I'm like, you do it, you start one. I mean, how it goes.

[Esther]

What about the trend, though, of, like, super famous people starting podcasts and then those just disappearing?

[Kalila]

Major flop.

[Esther]

Yeah. Being really famous is nothing to do with podcasts being good.

[Kalila]

No, not at all. Unless you're like a Michelle Obama kind

[Esther]

of famous or Amy Poehler's podcast is

[Kalila]

pretty good, but because she's good, right? Like, she knows how to do it, right?

[Esther]

Yeah.

[Kalila]

But, yeah, I do find I do get a little bit of a sick joy when I see famous people think that. Oh, yeah, that's. That's a new thing I haven't done yet.

[Jenna]

Let's try that.

[Kalila]

And then it's like, you should get

[Esther]

sick joy out of it because you were like, literally just a random person that had A podcast and became a huge success.

[Kalila]

Bobby is probably 95 of the reason why it was a huge success. I still.

[Esther]

I don't know. I mean, yes, of course he's like, so funny and brilliant, but you guys together is like that. I'll never forget the first time I did Tiger Bell. I was like, what is this? Like, these two are hilarious. Like, the way you treated him and talked to him, like, and called him out. I'm like, oh, my God, this is not just another podcast of a comedian. Like, this is something.

[Producer/Assistant]

And that came from tallest Gucci mane on Earth. Just wanted to give him a shout.

[Kalila]

5 years. Thanks for the reminder. That's so cool. Congrats to us.

[Esther]

I know. That is crazy.

[Jenna]

Two babies.

[Esther]

There's been a lot of changes. You know what? That's how we keep it fresh is that it's always changing. So it just always feels new.

[Kalila]

Yeah, a lot of weird too, you know, but I feel like it's like, you know, that's like, you can. Any job, it's gonna. There's always weird and weird people and nasty, nasty ones as well. Dude, I have someone very close to me right now. Like, very, very close to me who's going through. Who works for the city, by the way, and who's worked in the medical field and who. Do you know what FMLA is?

[Esther]

No.

[Kalila]

Family medical. Was it f Family Medical, like leave of absence or whatever? She is on fmla, so she doesn't go to work Tuesdays and Thursdays, which is because she has a medical condition. She has a very severe autoimmune condition that leads to, like, neurological tics. Like, just very bad stuff. She also recently lost her house in the Altadena fire.

[Esther]

Oh, my gosh.

[Kalila]

A lot of things this year, right? And this boss, mind you, she's worked for the city for 15 years. This. Her boss has been denying her every single request, days up, any days requested off. And you know what the boss said? Well, you're already are on fmla. You're already on, like, a medical, like, leave twice a week. So, like, I wait. Basically, her boss weighs that in to why she gets denied days off. By the way, she also is entitled to, like, wildfire days. This girl is. Has such extreme neurological tics. Like, she is like a Parkinsonian patient.

[Esther]

Oh, my God.

[Kalila]

There are just horrible people out there. And you know what this boss said? Well, I'm having twins and I'm moving to a new house, and I don't miss days. And it's like, why is this about

[Esther]

you do not even go there with comparing. That is crazy. Crazy.

[Kalila]

I would, in my most pregnant, most uncomfortable state, I would never tell someone who is having a very severe, like, medical condition that, oh, but look at me. Look how good I'm doing. I don't miss days off.

[Esther]

That's the thing about pregnancy. It's like, I will complain up and down, left and right, all day and night, but I also am extremely aware that this is a temporary and it's a blessing.

[Kalila]

Yeah.

[Esther]

Like, I am lucky to be suffering like this. And to compare that to someone that actually is dealing with, like. I mean, I'm not trying to downplay the suffering. It sucks. But that's. You can't compare this.

[Kalila]

You cannot compare it to some. Someone who is chronically ill. Yeah, dude. And this person works for the city of Los Angeles, so the city of Los Angeles can do that to you. How weird do you think podcasts can get? It can get pretty weird here too. But I'm so glad that we've stuck it out and you and I are. We're good.

[Esther]

I know. We're so mature. It's weird.

[Kalila]

Yeah. I'm like, threatened by how close we've gotten.

[Esther]

I know you are.

[Kalila]

I need to back up.

[Esther]

I know you hate it so much. That's why I just try to, like, give you your space when I. When I can.

[Jenna]

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[Kalila]

Okay, real talk, I'm a new mom,

[Jenna]

which means sleep is already unpredictable. So if I'm only getting four hours of solid sleep, it has to count. Which is why I only sleep on a Helix. Helix is the most awarded mattress brand tested and reviewed by experts like Forbes and Wired. It's so easy. You take their little quiz and they match you with a mattress made specifically for your sleeping style. For example, I run hot when I sleep. I am also a side sleeper, so I got matched with a midnight mattress and then you have the option to upgrade to a plusher version. So I got the luxe version of that midnight mattress. The Happy with Helix Guarantee offers a risk free customer first experience designed to ensure you're completely satisfied with your new mattress. 120 nights sleep trial and limited lifetime warranty. Go to helixsleep.comtrashtuesday for 27% off site wide. This is exclusive for listeners of trash Tuesday. That's helixsleep.com trashtuesday for 27% off site wide. Make sure you enter our show name after checkout so they know we sent you helixsleep.com trashtuesday this episode is brought to you by IQ Bar. Our exclusive snack hydration and coffee sponsor, IQ Bar Protein Bars, IQ Mix Hydration Mixes and IQ Joe Mushroom Coffees are the delicious low sugar, brain and body fuel you need to win your day. I'm a working mom, so I'm always on the go and sometimes I'm just not able to give my body the nutrition it needs. I don't have the time to sit and have a three course meal. So this is where IQ comes in clutch for me. All IQ products are clean, label, certified and entirely free from gluten, dairy, soy, GMOs and artificial ingredients. All IQ Bar products are packed with clean, delicious ingredients that keep you physically mentally fit like magnesium, lion's mane and more. Be like me and Esther, start carrying IQ Bars. Plant protein bars in your bag. They're the smarter snack choice with plenty of plant protein, tons of fiber and no added sugar. And right now, IQ Bar is offering our special podcast listeners 20 off all IQ Bar products, including the Ultimate Sampler Pack plus free shipping. To get your 20 off, text Trash to 64, 000. Trash to 64,000. That's Trash to 64,000. Message and data rates may apply. See Terms for details.

[Kalila]

Oh, I like this question.

[Esther]

Did Esther ever have a wedding? She casually mentioned it recently. I think I did. So I actually got married on Ace's six month birthday, which was two days after you gave birth.

[Kalila]

It was really sweet. I'm crying because like I remember it being very a special time for me and you.

[Esther]

Yeah, I remember FaceTiming you on that day and you're like, like you're like, I just gave birth and I'm disabled,

[Kalila]

but I'm so happy.

[Esther]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I will just never forget that image, like standing in my wedding dress, like looking at your face.

[Kalila]

She was on in her wedding dress on the bed and I was completely disabled. I had just brought my baby home that day and I was crying with my paralysis face because I was so overjoyed. I was telling her. I was like, I can't believe how in love I am.

[Esther]

Yeah.

[Kalila]

And then she was just about to get married.

[Esther]

We eloped. I guess you could call it that. Like, we drove to Santa Barbara courthouse, just me and Dave. Originally we thought we were going to bring Ace and Donut, but it just was going to be too much. So we drove that day two and a half hours when we were so nervous and we were like a walk in. We couldn't get an appointment and got married there. Drove back, we were both so tired. We took naps, woke up and Then did like a little photo shoot in the backyard with Ace and Donut. And Ace wore like a little blue dress. She was our something blue. And Donut wore a wedding dress.

[Kalila]

And Jenna took photos.

[Esther]

Jenna took photos. And we had sugarfish, and it was really nice. I mean, the only thing I will say is that I was peak postpartum anxiety, not in a good place and dealing with like some, you know, postpartum complications. But it's just I had. Was so when we had Ace, I was just so happy, so in love. I'm like, we have to get married. I want to do it in a way that, like, honors our love and Ace. So we. I want to do it on her six month birthday. So I hadn't planned anything except that was the day.

[Kalila]

Yeah.

[Esther]

So when that day came around, it's like, ready or not, we're doing it. Like, that was the thing I decided, which I'm glad we did it because if we had it, we like, just would have kept putting it off. But when I do look back at the photos, I'm like. Like, my dress did not even fit me. Like, it was like hanging in weird places. Like, you know, it's like a messy day. But it was really, like perfect also and lovely.

[Kalila]

I think that's probably why it was perfect, is because you did not overthink it.

[Esther]

Yeah.

[Kalila]

The moment was very much you and Dave.

[Esther]

Yeah.

[Kalila]

I love that because I've been to weddings where you can tell that both the bride and groom have completely dissociated because it's such a over stimulating thing to be around that many people, to be just the. The thing that everyone focuses on. I loved your pictures.

[Esther]

Thank you.

[Kalila]

They were so cute. And I like that you exchanged vows privately and Jenna wasn't even allowed to hear them.

[Esther]

Yeah, we just had private vows and. Oh, my God, so much crying. And Dave's vows, like, they were just so incredible. It was really. Again, it was like butterflies. Nervous, special. But that's so cool because it's you

[Kalila]

and for you only. Like, those vows aren't a presentation to the audience. Like, it was just you and him, you know, and you guys were so locked in and. Yeah, it's. It's very emotional to think about, and I think that's so special.

[Esther]

Yeah, it was really nice. It was. I'm glad we did that and made that memory. And I would like to, when I'm in a better state of mind and, you know, maybe do something else, like renewal or something, and maybe even have people there. Like, I think it's like, so cute and beautiful that it's gotten me a little bit more, like, inspired about doing more or something, you know? I don't know. Do you have wedding aspirations?

[Kalila]

I do. I do. I just feel a little bit like I can't access that part of my brain because it's being blocked by my fatigue and just general, like, difficulty in, you know, new motherhood.

[Esther]

Yeah.

[Kalila]

And I wish that I had eased into motherhood more gracefully. And I feel like maybe I haven't. I had delusions that I thought I would snap back in a month.

[Esther]

Oh, yeah, me too.

[Jenna]

Yeah.

[Kalila]

I'm like, oh, this will be. I'm an athlete. I'm a Division 1 athlete. Like, I've done hard shit before, and. And it just. That. That wasn't my journey. I didn't anticipate, you know, having my face paralyzed. I didn't anticipate the postpartum anxiety at that level that it happened for me. And I tell aloha this all the time. It's like, I promise you I will feel romantic again. Like, I just feel like a robot. I feel like a robot that just is, like, making sure everything is getting done.

[Esther]

Yeah.

[Kalila]

Not with my baby, though. When my baby. I'm like, oh, I love you. Want to get married. So I'm like, all my love and tenderness is towards him.

[Esther]

Yeah.

[Kalila]

And thank God I have a healthy partner. And I'm like, you know, we will. We will have our chance to reconnect and fall in love again. I'm just not in that mode.

[Jenna]

Right.

[Esther]

I. I relate to that right now, too. Like, I really just. I can't be touched. I can't, like, smell a human.

[Kalila]

Like, smelling is huge.

[Esther]

I'm just so. I'm like. Like, there's a person in me. Like, I'm good. Like, stay back. And I feel really bad about that, but it's just. It's just the way it is.

[Jenna]

Yeah.

[Kalila]

It's really hard to stand back. If you see a pregnant lady, just give her her. Do not give her her fresh air. Don't bring in your.

[Esther]

It's anything so awkward, too. Like, when you go places and people, like, you see people, you know, and they want to hug you.

[Kalila]

How bad?

[Esther]

I, like. Like, sometimes I do and sometimes I don't, but how bad? Every time I want to be, like, please don't touch me. Yeah, just please don't. I don't want to. I don't. No, please don't touch me. I'm so overly touched. There's a.

[Kalila]

You're being touched from the inside.

[Jenna]

Oh.

[Esther]

Like, I don't want my skin. I don't want to remember that I have skin. Like, by you touching it, it's just awful. Okay, who are your top three dream guests on the show? Choose three delusional ones and three comedians.

[Kalila]

Oh, three comedians. Gross.

[Esther]

I would love to have Theo Vaughan on.

[Kalila]

Ah, interesting.

[Esther]

Because I'd be curious, like, to see you guys reconnect.

[Kalila]

That is the weirdest thing to say. Why you can't stop thinking about me and Bobby, and you have this, like, boner for me and Theo.

[Esther]

I just think it's cute the way he feels about you.

[Kalila]

He's not going to feel the same way about me now that I'm a mama.

[Esther]

You have no idea. You have no idea what that does for people. I feel like I also would like to see Tony on the podcast someday, because I'd like to. I know.

[Kalila]

I'll stand back for that one. I'm gonna have you two.

[Esther]

You know, I would just. I do think it would be funny, because it would just be interesting.

[Kalila]

It's so funny. How do you ever come across, like, even people you don't know, people you haven't necessarily, like, interacted with, but you're like, I. I'm so sure that on, like, a visceral level, we. Our codes aren't gonna match.

[Esther]

Oh, yeah.

[Kalila]

That's how I feel about Tony Hinch.

[Esther]

Yeah, that makes sense.

[Kalila]

And it's not even because of his politics, his comedy. It has nothing to do. It has everything to do with. It's just something in my body, like, lights up in a way that's like, I don't think. I don't think we're gonna get along.

[Esther]

I have that with so many people, too, actually. I totally relate to that.

[Kalila]

But it could be false. Like, I. It could be some, like, preconceived, like, whatever it is in my head, and it's probably untrue, I'm sure, like, he's a nice guy. I just have the, like, a no, thank you.

[Esther]

I just feel that, honestly, like, the only time in Tony's life where he knew discipline is, like, when he was with me. And I feel like he needs it. Like, I feel like he needs the discipline for me.

[Kalila]

I'll sit with the crew over there and just let you guys at it. You know, I'll prepare all the questions while I co produce with the girls.

[Esther]

And I think, you know, one thing about me is, like, I'm such a nostalgia addict that, like, that. It's like, when I was so close to Someone at such a special time, like, that's a real connection for me. You know, like, anyone from height school, anyone from those early open mic years, like, I just feel a strong connection there. But if you were to, like, compare any of my exes to Dave, it's like, literally comparing Dave to a paperclip. And I mean that with no disrespect. It's just the way that he is as a human and the way we connect versus everyone else. It's like everyone else is paper clips.

[Kalila]

Yeah. Useful for paper, but not for you.

[Esther]

Nothing against them, but just in that romantic way.

[Kalila]

It's like, yeah, you're an inanimate object. That is neither good nor bad, but just an inanimate. Yes.

[Esther]

And the memories are there and, like, let's get into them. It's so fun, period.

[Kalila]

You know, when their exes, like, I. I've never been one to, like, fantasize or miss an ex in that way. To, like, oh, I wonder what it would be like to, like, kiss him again. Or I. And that's because all of my relationships, I've let them play out a little too long. I've let the record play past the end where it's just, like, now it's like, just friction and it's just, you know.

[Esther]

Well, for me, though, after the breakup, those, like, first six months, I'm like, I am dying and would do anything for them back. But then once it's done, it's like, it's done. But I definitely suffer for a while. Yeah, I'm a sufferer post breakup. Very dramatic. What about you? Anyone come to mind, though, for you?

[Kalila]

I'd love to have Theo on. I miss him. I, I, you know, I really like Theo a lot. Just for the sake of it. I would love to have, like, a Meghan Markle just because I'm like, tell me who you really are. Like, I. Enough with this, like, polite society interviews. Like, like, you're one of us.

[Esther]

I know.

[Kalila]

And I need you to, like, take the mask off and, like, reveal yourself.

[Esther]

And I feel like, compliment to us, that's, like, too braggy. But I feel like we could really get down and dirty in there.

[Kalila]

Like, I feel like this outfit is what I would ask you to wear for the Meghan Markle interview. And I would wear my Crocs and, like, I just need her to, like, peel off a couple layers of the. Whatever she feels like. Like, you know, society has, like, pressured her to, like, wear or put on, and I need her to just be her.

[Esther]

Yeah, I do Feel like that's a goal for the new year is like, to really just, like, break down, like, get people, like, to break down. Not like crying break down, but just, like, break them down to, like, who they really are and get to know them.

[Jenna]

Yeah.

[Esther]

And not. Not have the, like, fake.

[Kalila]

It is so hard, though, to be perceived. And I know why people put on a mask or three or four, and, like, I certainly do it, but, you know, like, I'm very much a little bit of a shapeshifter in that. Even the way that I speak. Like, I code switch because I'm uncomfortable when people, like historically in my life when people point out my Filipino accent. So I've tried to Americanize it in the past, not so much now around you guys, whatever. But I hear myself, like, stumble on words because I'm trying to over Americanize it because I don't want it to be called out. I'm okay with it being called out now, but in the past, like, I've been, like, embarrassed about it. Of course.

[Esther]

That makes so much sense.

[Kalila]

So, I mean, I. I put on that mask and I act differently around different people. And I wish I was a little bit more like you, where you're just like, just your trashy little self no matter where you go.

[Esther]

Yeah. But I'm guilty of it too. It's like when I'm in a room of Jewish people, I'm Jewish. And when I'm in a room with Christian people, I'm Christian. Like, it's. I. Yeah, it's just kind of the way of the world, I think, sometimes.

[Kalila]

Yeah, I think so. And it's also like, self protective in a way.

[Esther]

Yeah.

[Kalila]

Where it's like, I don't know you. So I'm going to put on a mask that keeps me safe and then I'll take it off. When we really get to dig deep and know each other, then you can see me. For me, she's not great. She's very unwell.

[Esther]

You won't like it.

[Kalila]

And she speaks in hard consonants.

[Producer/Assistant]

I think you guys getting vulnerable, like. Like you can see them start to warm up.

[Esther]

Yeah, that's true. I do. I feel like I've seen that too, where like, Kalila will just be like, I was molested. And people are like, oh, it's okay. I can really be myself. Like, yeah, life is good.

[Kalila]

Cherished childhood.

[Esther]

What's the most vulnerable thing you've realized about yourself because of doing this show?

[Kalila]

Whoa. That's a great question.

[Esther]

I don't.

[Kalila]

Whoa. I think it's what I Just mentioned, which is my inability and my fear of being perceived. I thought that coming into podcasting that I was this open book because I was willing to talk about trauma and molestation and murders and within the family and my relationship, but it turns out it's quite the opposite. I'm actually extremely guarded. And the reason that I share those things is because I find that information disposable, and it keeps people from asking me more.

[Producer/Assistant]

It's like a red herring.

[Kalila]

Yeah, it is, exactly. It's a red herring. So it's like, well, if I tell you about my molestation, which in theory is a very vulnerable thing to say, but truly, it doesn't, like, affect me in my bones anymore, then you're not going to ask me about the stuff that really matters or what is really aching me right now. I've unraveled this in therapy and through podcasting for the past decade. Decade. I realized that, no, I'm not an open book. I'm actually a very closed book. I keep people away. I keep people at an arm's length. I. I'm a no new friends policy. I am very antisocial, and I am very much, for lack of a better word, like, extremely, extremely secretive.

[Esther]

You so are. Yeah.

[Kalila]

Yeah. That's a realization I've had, and I'm working on it because I do think that community. I've lost the ability to connect with people because I'm. I've. I've gotten scared over the years.

[Esther]

That's a common pendulum swing, I think, that happens with people. Do you want to share anything about what is, like, really on your mind right now, or is that not. It's not the time you first. Well, I'm, like, trying to answer this question. The most vulnerable thing I've realized because of doing this show, like, definitely when we first started, and, like, all the hate I got really hurt me. And you were like, esther, this is podcasting, period. Like, this is what it is.

[Kalila]

Meanwhile, I'm crying in a corner.

[Esther]

But you were right. Like, yeah, the pain doesn't go away, whatever. But you do at least just get used to it. Like, oh, you're going to post a tik tok, and, like, half people are going to hate you and have. People are going to defend you. And it's like, that's just. That's the way of the world. And I can handle that now. Whereas when I see, like, we have guests, they're like, oh, my God, this clip and everyone's saying this, I'm like. I'm like, oh, yeah, I remember when, I remember when. But I'm like, those mattered. Yeah. But like, that does not matter to me at all. No one will care. Two hours later.

[Kalila]

But I think that's a great realization. Is that, like, it is the WWE and the Internet is not real life. It's hard to admit that something did hurt you up front.

[Esther]

Yeah.

[Kalila]

You know, like, you want to be the. This, this, you know, impenetrable force of being. Like, I just exist and everyone can have their chatter about me and it's none of my business. I wish I was that person.

[Esther]

Yeah.

[Kalila]

I am just not. I think it's vulnerable to admit that because people are like, oh, well, then the comments do hurt her. Then I must keep.

[Esther]

But it's like, no, I'm not getting into the mud with crazy people.

[Kalila]

Do you know, every.

[Esther]

As much as all my instincts want

[Kalila]

me to, every day for the last four years of my life, the thought of doing a sit down, tell all.

[Esther]

Oh, I know.

[Kalila]

But I cannot. And I cannot because.

[Esther]

And I will not as entertaining as it would be. It's like a step in the wrong direction.

[Kalila]

It is a step in the wrong direction.

[Esther]

It's like, let those other people do it.

[Kalila]

And I've talked to my therapist about this because I'm like, I'm about to go scorched earth. And she's just like, for what you're gonna like, will it make you sleep better at night? And I told her no, because I think that it would ruin relationships. And I think that people would be very, very hurt about this. Even if it's people I don't like or I don't have relationships with anymore, it would still hurt them. And she's like, would that make you feel better? And I told her, no, it wouldn't. Yeah, I would probably feel relief that, that some closer version to the truth is out there. But would I feel remorse for hurting someone? A hundred percent.

[Esther]

And you know what? I think it's sort of like if, if I was like, emotionally immature and in my 20s, like, I would be so in the mud. Yeah, I would be ready and rocking and rolling. But it's like, to me, I look at this as, like, growth of like. No, I'm, I, I'm good, I think. And I think I want to move forward in life to this specific podcast.

[Kalila]

What another thing I learned about myself is, and I'm very proud of myself for this is I don't around anymore with people. I used to have this, like, threshold for, like, you can be a repeat offender in my life. And I'll still somehow forgive you. I don't do that anymore. Yeah, if you cross the line with me, I'm okay with cutting you off and literally forgetting you even exist. And I think I've. I've finally learned to do that. And it's brought me so much relief.

[Esther]

I feel similarly too, where it's like, oh, if anyone is like, fun and exciting, like, let's go. And I'm like, no, I. That's a red flag in me, in them. The fact that I'm so excited by them, like, it's all just like a toxic thing.

[Kalila]

No, no. More toxic. Not. None of that. And I. I think even having a baby, where I'm just like, no, thanks. I don't even have the energy for my man. You think I'm gonna have energy for your bullshit?

[Esther]

We're also just both, like, dying. You guys. Thank you so much for joining Migraine.

[Kalila]

Oh, my God. Maybe. Maybe it's a Babadook. I'm saying too much.

[Esther]

Some of this might end up on the Patreon. We're gonna carry this conversation over there and if you want to keep listening, check out the link below. And as always, thank you. We could not do this without you. I'm so curious how you guys feel about the Just Kyla and Esther episode. So def. Sound off. Let us know if you hate it or love it. We can handle either response. And we'll see you next week.

[Kalila]

I can't handle it. She will.

[Esther]

We'll see you next week with a brand new episode. Bye, guys.