← Trauma Rewired
Trauma Rewired
Complexities of The Holidays And Trauma
00:43:45
The holidays can be a magical time full of celebrations and connection, but they can also evoke feelings of loneliness and overwhelm — especially for those with a history of trauma. This duality of emotions can be hard to navigate, so this episode...
Loading summary
Transcript54 lines
- [00:00]
Jennifer Wallace
Hi, everyone. Happy holidays. Hope everyone is having a peaceful, restful holiday season. We are on a break ourselves, but.
- [00:09]
Elizabeth Kristof
We wanted to jump in and tell you about some stuff that's coming in the new year.
- [00:12]
Jennifer Wallace
We're really excited for January and the second part of our season four, all about mental health and the nervous system and looking at mental health through the perspective of neurosomatic intelligence. And we're really excited for January. We've got Prentice Hemphill coming up and. And a really incredible conversation about chronic pain.
- [00:32]
Yeah.
- [00:32]
Elizabeth Kristof
We're also going to have some episodes about habit change and integration as well as looking at some really cool new research around PTSD with Matt Bush. So lots of exciting episodes coming.
- [00:46]
Yeah.
- [00:46]
Jennifer Wallace
So enjoy your holiday season, y', all, and we hope to see you at Rewire Trial where you're working through your nervous system and the holidays just like we are. So welcome to Trauma Rewired, the podcast that teaches you about your nervous system, how trauma lives in the body, and what you can do to heal. I'm your co host, Jennifer Wallace. I'm a neurosomatic psychedelic preparation and integration guide. I bring NSI into your peak somatic experiences by working with the nervous system to prepare, we create safety, learn to regulate emotionally, and make space for truths and broader awarenesses. We integrate those truths into a nervous system that can receive and embody them, creating resilience and a new path. And I'm also one of the educators at the Neurosomatic Intelligence Coaching certification.
- [01:33]
Elizabeth Kristof
And I'm your co host, Elizabeth Kristof, founder of Brainbase.com, an online community where we use applied neurology and somatics for trauma resolution, behavior change, emotional processing and stress resilience. And I'm also the founder of the Neurosomatic Intelligence Coaching certification, an ICF accredited course for coaches, therapists and practitioners to bring transformation from the body to the brain.
- [01:55]
Well, we are in the holiday stress portal right now. It starts with Halloween. We've passed through Thanksgiving. Christmas is like on our heels. And it is the season of dysregulation. There's amped up expectations, there's social anxiety, perfectionism. And so we're gonna really break this down and talk about this. The pressure of all this confluence of things that make it difficult for those of us who have complex or developmental trauma. We're going to talk about how food and alcohol come into this season. You know, we're just going to talk a little bit about how setting boundaries can keep you safe and how that nervous system regulation will support you throughout the holidays in a new way. And we can also kind of talk a little bit about what this season really means in nature's cycle that we're in and how we press against it in the season.
- [02:55]
Jennifer Wallace
Yeah, I think it's so important to talk about all of these things, because this season, while it can be really beautiful and magical and a time to reconnect with loved ones and experience a lot of social connection, it can also be really overwhelming. And there's a lot that happens. And it's easy to get down on ourselves for being overwhelmed by the season, with the expectations that we put on ourselves and that are put on us with, especially if you have complex trauma, all of the things that occur that can be quite triggering and dysregulating and really look at, you know, calibrating what our expectations of ourselves are, setting appropriate boundaries, and try to implement some tools for moving through this season differently so that we can experience it with more presence and enter into the new year in a healthier state.
- [03:48]
Elizabeth Kristof
Yeah, in a healthier state, to start the new year right, because right after Christmas, it's still that shiny time of year where we show up to kind of put it all on. It's just like throwing a bunch of glitter at something to make it kind of look pretty on the outside, when on the inside, we can be completely falling apart or dealing with a lot of insecurities, a lot of overwhelm and burnout from the season. And let's just start with all of these converging things that come on together. And let's begin with, like, family and social events and expectations and how that can be really threatening in the nervous system.
- [04:27]
Jennifer Wallace
Yeah. I think everything that you just said is so true and valid. And as somebody who works with a lot of people, a lot of different types of people, some people in leadership positions, some business owners, high performers, people with complex trauma. Across the board, you see that rolling into the new year, most people are exhausted and burnt out and really dysregulated and experiencing severe outputs of their nervous system. So it's a very common theme among everyone that I work with to have this experience. And so, especially because this podcast is about trauma, and we speak a lot about complex trauma, there's a lot that goes on at this time of year that can be difficult for people with complex or developmental trauma. So, like you said, starting with there's a lot of family time, and for a number of reasons that can be challenging if you grew up in an unstable environment. You know, the relationships that you have with your caregivers may be hard for a number of reasons. Maybe you don't have the relationship that you wish you had or the expectations that you put on yourself to have a certain type of relationship. Maybe it's hard for you to show up in the way that you want to with your family because being around them leaves you kind of dysregulated. And so then you can get really hard on yourself about the way you interact in those relationships. And maybe we don't even have the family relationships that we see projected out in society is the kind of things that are celebrated during this time of year. And that can lead to a real feeling of loneliness and isolation and depression. And so there's so many different things. Even in just coming into a time where family is at the front and center of a lot of what you see in the world, that can be hard to navigate. As somebody who grew up with developmental trauma.
- [06:39]
Elizabeth Kristof
Well, we are in Hallmark season. I mean there's an entire channel built around how we compare our holidays with our families, with our loved ones in the romantic comedies or rom com. But I was telling Elizabeth a story earlier when I was growing up and my mom sidebar puts on amazing Christmases. And then like we would go to my family's house, my grandparents house, and the uncle that no one knew was abusing me was there. And he would often tease me and he would tell me that my epidermis was showing. And instead of anybody explaining to me a little girl what her epidermis was, people would laugh at me and they'd be like, oh, he's just teasing. And it would get brushed off. But no one knew this was the predator. So here's the predator in my family mocking me and teasing me and having my whole the spotlight shine on me for people to laugh at me. And it just made it easier. Like I started binging really super early, you know, knowing now that I was trying to regulate and the holiday food is just tons of sugar, tons of candy. Right. The, the candy started at Halloween. We were just moving through the binging season. And then of course that eventually turned into alcohol when I was old enough to then use another have the other coping mechanism that is like a super great regulator. And so it was a lot for a be managing when you didn't have the words to say this is the person like to have the whole story. Now that I do. And that the anger and rage that got bottled up inside of me was also really abusive to myself.
- [08:20]
Jennifer Wallace
Yeah, that's a really traumatic memory. And that kind of leads me to another reason why the holidays can be tough, especially with complex trauma, is that often we have these kind of big T, or at least very intense traumatic memories associated with this time of year. Whether that's because family get togethers were happening, or there's a lot of drinking around the holidays. So people get more unstable. Other people, like your caregivers, may have been experiencing more stress during this season as well and then exhibiting the outputs of that. So maybe the drinking got worse or the neglect got worse, or the other, you know, the physical abuse got worse. And so we have these times, these memories associated with this season. And there's a lot of sensory triggers that can happen in this season that can lead us into an emotional flashback of that time, right? There's very distinct smells and sounds and like energies that come with this season, like flavors of food. And when you put all of those together, it's very easy to activate a neurotag that is associated with a traumatic memory and to get propelled into an emotional flashback where you are experiencing the shame of that little girl who everyone was laughing at, the fear of having to be around the predator that was harming you, the sense of not being protected, the, you know, perceived neglect of not being protected, all of these really big life threatening emotions that you were dealing with as a child can come back in a very real way with the sights, the sounds, the smells of this season. And it can make it really difficult to get out of that flashback state. And like our parents, our caregivers, our people too. And so they also had their own trauma and their own stresses that came with this holiday season. And that cycle just goes on and on, right? Like they were experiencing the cycle of having had a more stressful experience during this season in their childhood, plus all the other stress of the season, like the financial stress that comes with it, the social stress that comes with it, all of the pressure. And so they're living under that high stress state, reacting to that and possibly in their own emotional flashbacks, which then carries on into our life, into our experience of this season and the holidays. And so it's. Now would be a really good time to work on interrupting that cycle because.
- [11:03]
Elizabeth Kristof
It'S thick and it's so easy to regulate your nervous system walking into these holiday events and expectations because it comes with a lot of social events too. Whether that's maybe it's not with your family, maybe it's with your work environment, maybe it's with your partner's jobs or however that is, it can be A lot of social engagements stacked up one by one and still getting back to like, like copious amounts of alcohol and food. And what can we do in those times to self soothe in a different way and to make it more safe to enter those spaces without being completely dissociated and numbing out. And so these tools for regulation are so simple. We regulate before the event, maybe we regulate during the event and just excuse ourselves for a few minutes and go to the bathroom. There are some breathing techniques you can do right in front of people. They wouldn't even know that you were regulating your nervous system. And we've talked about this before, but I really set some boundaries on how much I can show up and I regulate that time. Right. I sort of feel on my nervous system where I can say like, hey, I've kind of had enough of this and I need to pull back. I've learned that I don't have to say yes to everything and that I can feel into it on the day if I want to put all that sparkly stuff on. Because let's face it, it's not just the decorations around you as a culture, we have also morphed into the Christmas decoration. We are the lights, we are the glitter, we are sparkly. There's velvet. It's the season of texture and shiny. And so a lot of perfectionism even starts before you've even walked out the door.
- [12:52]
Jennifer Wallace
Yeah, well, I think, you know, the emotional flashbacks are just one component of the stress that you can feel. Like you were saying, with all of the social events that happen during this time of year. Work parties, work holiday parties, friend parties, New Year's parties, so on and so forth, there's a lot of social engagement. And so when you look at the five distinguishing characteristics of complex PTSD and you have social anxiety in there, so now that is getting ramped up. Then you have high expectations to perform and to show up and to look a certain way. And there goes the inner critic and the perfectionism and then the toxic shame that comes maybe with some of the self soothing behaviors that happen in that time, like drinking a lot or eating a lot. Like you said, it is the season of binging. I have bing, binged my way through many a holiday season. And so you have all of those things. And then on top of that there's just really normal stressors that everyone collectively is facing. Whether you have complex trauma or not. There's financial stress. You know, right now we're headed toward, if we're not already in an economic recession, times are Unstable for people at best. And there's still expectations to, you know, buy gifts and have the right outfits and decorate your home. And if you have kids, the pressure to get them the things that they want. And there's a lot of financial pressure and stress to spend a certain amount, to look a certain way, to have your home look a certain way. And all of that is. It's a lot of stress on a nervous system. And so no wonder, of course, we tend to move into things that help us to regulate our nervous system to calm down. Drinking alcohol, a nervous system depressant, eating a bunch of food, we're anxious, we're self critical and we're stressed.
- [14:46]
Elizabeth Kristof
Yes. And you know, I said it's a season of binging, but the word that you're gonna hear out there is like overindulge, splurge. Right. And we've also talk about how a lot of times we have a lot of dysregulating rules of society that we try to live up to and people all around are gonna be like, oh, it's the holidays. Oh, it's the season to do this. Oh, it's just the season to do this or to do that. And so there's overindulgence as part of also like a tribal activity that is going on. And it's like if you can't meet the demands of the tribe, you start to go into, you've mentioned it, Inner critic, toxic shame, the social anxiety, the pressures, the expectations. It's all so overwhelming.
- [15:33]
Jennifer Wallace
It is. And I think, like you were saying, it's really important to think about, like, what can we do in the face of these things when we are feeling all of this stress to try to have a different experience. And for one, just as you were talking about really using tools and leaning into a practice of working with your nervous system to regulate yourself before, during and after these events, and now is the time too, where if I haven't been on the beam, where with my morning nervous system practice, I'm gonna really make a strong effort to get back on the beam with a regular practice of at least 10 minutes a day of giving my nervous system stimulus that it likes to calm myself, to regulate myself and to train my different input systems. Because I know that this time of year is gonna be more dysregulating for me than other times. And then, you know, also other practices that are a little bit more simple, like making sure I make time to get out into nature, making sure that I do have time, quiet time by myself if I'm going to be engaging a lot socially. I need to up the amount of time I have to breathe and be with myself and take a long bath or go for a walk out in nature, making sure I still get to bed at a decent hour and can get up and get some morning sunlight within the first 30 minutes of waking up. And these are all things that I kind of have learned to make non negotiable in my life because if I let them slide now when it's most critical that I give myself tools and support, it's going to get really hard and possibly really painful for me in the next few weeks or months.
- [17:24]
Elizabeth Kristof
Yeah, yeah. And it could get really dark too because like we said, we're moving into winter. All of this stress, all of these high states of dysregulation are leading us right into the quote, depressing season for a lot of people. And I think a lot of that rides on all of this high demand through the holiday season portal that we're in. And then it's just like a total shutdown for people. The winter becomes this like scapegoat for seasonal depression. And is it. It's not intended to be that way, but it's just like the high states of stress that we've just come in from. Not only has it just led to a complete state of shutdown, but it's robbed you likely of the joy and the presence that the holiday season is intended for. And nervous system regulation really allows for that safety in the pause so that you can be still and look around you. Look at the kids opening their presents, hear the laughter, be in the joy. Sure. Have some pie without a total spin out with all the food loops that could possibly or whatever the food is around.
- [18:33]
Jennifer Wallace
Yeah, I think it's really important to look a little bit at the food and the alcohol because this is a big part of the season. And so as someone who has been a binge eater my entire life and you too and have used that as a tool of self regulation, like what do we do to not get triggered into that binge loop during this season? Because it's really easy to do. Like you said, it's part of social construct and it's also a well worn pathway in my brain that my brain will very quickly when I'm under high stress want to use food as a tool for self regulation. It's been effective for a long time and yet it is at the point in my healing process where that is very uncomfortable and painful for me now. And it's not something that I do very often. And so when I slip back into that, making sure that if I do have a time where I overeat that I am then not triggering those shame loops and having the same reaction and moving into self punishment, like how do I navigate that differently and then how do I set it up so that I'm not going into that behavior in the first place because it doesn't really serve me.
- [19:39]
Elizabeth Kristof
Binging is as regulating as it is, it's punishing and abusive and not only does it come with the, the high intake of food, but there's a lot of hiding, there's a lot of shame, there's the shame loops later. And then maybe you've got to turn around, right back around in one or two days and go out to another event, go out to another party. And you know, we've talked about social anxiety and the characteristics of CPTSD and me and I've shared my closet meltdowns. I mean just a whole season of meltdowns, honestly, you know, and then like the inflammation, the bloating that came with so much food and so much alcohol and the real dissociation of not even knowing what just happened.
- [20:27]
Jennifer Wallace
Yeah.
- [20:27]
Elizabeth Kristof
Who did I just engage with? What am I even wearing? What? I don't even know what I'm saying. You know, you can really leave events and just not, not even know what just happened. Total blur.
- [20:38]
Jennifer Wallace
Yeah.
- [20:39]
Elizabeth Kristof
We have a special holiday gift for you. At Brainbase.com, we've created a 90 day journey designed to give you foundational nervous system health and rehabilitation. We get questions from people all the time. I want to start working with my nervous system, but I don't know how. And this is a clear, expert designed framework that's rooted in neurosomatic intelligence. Over the course of 90 days, you're going to learn how to regulate and modulate your nervous system, how to resource your body for expanded capacity, how to rehabilitate deficits that drive chronic stress, and how to integrate these tools to improve brain function, focus and capacity. We'll teach you practices to begin to process your emotions, use your voice, set boundaries, and we'll teach you neurosomatic tools to improve your higher order thinking systems for more fuel and more focus. And the best part is that you can start your journey for free today. @rewirechild.com you'll get your first two weeks for free. You'll get a class a day strategically laid out, effectively designed to make the work easy for you. So take this first step toward building a resilient, thriving nervous system. Go to rewiretrial.com and get started today.
- [21:48]
Jennifer Wallace
So what's one of the tools that you use besides neurodrills and self regulation to prevent binging at social events or having that trigger a binge afterwards?
- [21:58]
Elizabeth Kristof
One of the things for me is because the food tends to be very rich and not something that I really eat in my life. So a lot of times before I go to an event I make a small meal for myself of my regular food and I go in there not in a starvation deprivation mode because if I go in there deprivation, oh, I'm gonna eat any of the things and probably spin out about it later and be really mean to myself about how much I might have overindulged. And especially since I'm not drinking anymore, the food, it really has the capacity to take me out.
- [22:35]
Jennifer Wallace
Yeah, that's beautiful. I love that practice. I think for me two of the most important things besides using tools for regulation before and after events, which is the most important thing, is watching out for the cycles of deprivation like you just said, especially with all these events coming when I start, for me the binge really begins long before the binge. It begins with the thoughts of needing to look a certain way at an event or knowing that I'm going to eat a lot later in the season. So trying to start to restrict my calories prior like oh, I'm going to eat a lot this weekend at these events so I should not eat as much now so that I'm, I have to train myself to be aware of those insidious thoughts creeping into my mind and when I recognize them, recognize that they are part of the loop, that following that thought is going to take me into a binge later. And so I have to interrupt the thought. Usually I do some neurodrivill pills and I reaffirm a different thought that like there is enough, I am enough that like I don't have to do anything about what I'm going to eat this weekend. I just have to live in today and eat when I'm hungry and you know, like just reaffirming the new beliefs that I try to live in and regulate around that and then take contrary action, eat the normal amount that I would eat and what my body is craving leading up to the events. Because if I go into the event having deprived myself or even have been not even depriving myself, but thinking the thoughts of like I should deprive myself, then I'm. That's going to end up an avenge full stop for me. And so one of the most important things is recognizing those thoughts prior and then also boundaries. Boundaries are really important for me in this time, like and honoring my own capacity. Because if I'm running myself into the ground by over committing and overdoing and over being, then I end up in this really dysregulated, really depleted state where I'm not going to have the capacity to use the other tools that I have and I'm going to revert back to my brain's oldest, most well worn, most familiar self soothing behavior, which is eating a bunch of food.
- [24:57]
Elizabeth Kristof
Well, not only is it such a well worn path, but it's just a brilliant tool. Food is absolutely brilliant. And I love what you talk about, about how the loop starts prior to the event. It's just like the triggering the thought and then you're in the pattern. It's just kind of waiting for the binge to happen. And when you can interrupt that cycle and choose a new way, you're rewiring, you're re patterning.
- [25:21]
Jennifer Wallace
Yep. And then I have to really also with the boundaries, with setting the boundaries and honoring my own capacity, I have to regulate around that too. Because it can be really scary to say no. You know, especially, you know, we've talked about this with complex trauma and just in our society in general, it can feel very threatening to feel like you're disappointing someone, like you're severing an attachment bond by not, you know, catering to their needs or disappointing them. And you can feel like you're left out of social connection. Sometimes it feels like, oh man, I really want to do this, I want to have these connections. But I know the truth is that my capacity is different. And so I have to be realistic and honor that about myself and understand that like I'm not really going to be doing anyone good. Not myself, not the other people there. If I'm just showing up over and over again in this burnt out, depleted state. I would rather go to a few events and be really present and connected and in my body and well regulated than to spread myself so thin, face the protective outputs that come from that dysregulation. And also not really even remember or show up to the event in the way that I want.
- [26:38]
Elizabeth Kristof
Yeah, yeah, sometimes it just, you don't even show up the way that you want to show up. And it is a time for connection. You know, anytime you leave the house with the intention of going to any event, anything social, maybe it's just even dinner with friends. Like there's a reason that we're doing that, and it's likely for our tribal connection. You know, we want to be with other humans. That's really important for us. And when you don't understand boundaries and limitations and then you are on the other side of the scale, met with all this demand and expectations, you, the nervous system resilience is where we find the balance on those scales to be able to be a little bit more gentle on ourselves, show up up in the most amount that we can, and also regulate around the time, around the money, around the event. Like, all of these things are boundaries that need to be set around our lives with any structure that you want to kind of uphold in your own life.
- [27:44]
Jennifer Wallace
Yeah, this is a lot of the stuff that we focus on actually in the Food Freedom Program. And this is pretty layered stuff. It's looking at the thoughts that come before the activity. It's looking at the boundaries that we have to put in place, the tools that we need to use for regulation around setting those boundaries, around taking contrary action, around not engaging in the thoughts, because all of that can be scary and dysregulating to the nervous system and then looking at, like, the subconscious beliefs and drivers that are going on underneath all of that to drive the behavior at that deep core level. And so I also would tell people, like, if this is something that you really struggle with, don't. You don't have to go it alone. There's lots of people that can help you with this issue, including us and including the Food Freedom Program, because it's really helpful to have tools and a framework, because this is a lot. It's a big, deep issue.
- [28:38]
Elizabeth Kristof
It's a big, deep issue. And food isn't going anywhere. Food is here. It's part of it. You know, you've said it before, and I love this. It's like having a tiger in a cage. The tiger is the disordered eating, and you have to take that tiger out of the cage several times a day and walk it. I mean, you are walking the eating disorder, the disordered eating all the time. Like, that is. Food's not going anywhere. Alcohol isn't really going anywhere. I mean, you can personally choose to stop it, but the society at large is using this very dysregulating tool. Right. And it's widely socially acceptable. And so let's talk a little bit about expectations. That's not something that we've really talked too much about on the podcast in general, but expectations are dysregulating in the nervous system massively.
- [29:30]
Jennifer Wallace
Yeah. I mean, when we have These expectations set for us or set by ourselves that are impossible to meet because it's not real. The stress that it puts onto the system to be performing at that level, to be conforming to those expectations, is overwhelming. And it leads to so many behaviors that are even further. Dysregulating over training, overworking, overspending, all these things that we do to try to live up to this bar that either we set or society set. And somehow we have it equated that if we measure up to that, we're safe, we're loved, we're accepted by the herd. And it sucks because dysregulating to go against those expectations, and it's even more dysregulating to try to measure up to them. So you need a lot of support either way. So I had a spiritual teacher tell me once that, you know, we were going through some life events, and my perfectionism kept coming up over and over again. And, like, the deep underlying fear was that I was not perfect. And then now I know, consequently, that if I'm not perfect, I'm not loved, I'm not saved. And, you know, she stopped me and she said, you know, newsflash. You are already perfect inherently, and you will never be perfect. Whatever you think of it as, you know, you already are and you will never be. And that was like, oh, you know, whatever I thought of in the situation in myself, and whatever. Whatever my construct of perfect was, that was never going to happen, and it had already happened. I already was.
- [31:30]
Elizabeth Kristof
That is really so beautiful and really true. Like, you're already perfect and you will never be perfect. So it just comes from two really different places. And I think it really speaks a lot to the spirit and the 3D that we operate in, the 3D world and human body and all the systems of oppression that exist in the world that we live in and that we have to try and live up to. And, you know, one of my favorite practices to remove myself from some of these systems is to move in more natural rhythms and more natural cycles. We're in autumn, we're coming on to winter. We're going to be entering it soon. And just like we have been watching the leaves fall off of the trees, and maybe you've lost a couple of plants outside. Like, it is the time, it is the season that we naturally start to turn in, to get more rest, to slumber, to be warm, to turn inside. But we've just come off this dysregulating, overindulgent burnout season into an evening where we're supposed to set all these high expectations for what we expect in the new year to come and how we're going to change and what's going to be different about this year. And then cue all of those thought loops and then the time, the season of the rest, the death that can happen in some of our healing cycles kind of gets ignored and left out and not honored when we have a great opportunity during the Christmas season to slow down, to enter the season of winter in a new state of being and enter it in a way that is in integrity with oneself.
- [33:15]
Jennifer Wallace
Yeah, talk about like unrealistic expectations and what we're expecting of our body and our nervous system in a season where we are programmed, wired biologically to slow down, to rest. The days are shorter, there's less light, the temperature changes. Like all of these things are cueing our body and our nervous system that this is a time of rest and recovery. And instead it becomes one of the busiest times of year. And that's not in alignment with nervous system health. And so how can we start to examine those expectations? And then I think too, as you were talking, I was thinking about the death cycle of winter and how this can be a really intense time emotionally. You know, if you're on a healing path. This time of year brings up a lot of change. Letting go grief in order to prepare for like a rebirth in spring for new things to come. Right. And then also to all of the emotions that we were talking about before that can get triggered with the holiday season. So I think a lot of this busyness and sympathetic nervous system hyperarousal can also have to do with the fact that it's hard to feel and sit with these feelings. And so that's another practice that I really have to lean into during this season is my emotional processing practices, my carving out the time and the space to release and sit with and examine with curiosity the emotions that, that are in me rather than just going into doing, doing, doing because it's uncomfortable to sit with that.
- [35:07]
Elizabeth Kristof
I used to hate the winter, not really understanding it, but it wasn't until I started, you know, working, looking at more of the cycles of nature. I look at that as like, how can I, how can I mirror that? And what can I, what can kind of die inside of me to be reborn? What can I be, what can I release that can be replenished in a new way? What anger, what grief, what emotional residue can I clear out during the winter time so I can rebirth with vitality, with joy, with, you know, more self expression? How can I move into closer alignment with myself and with nature? And how does that move into the service of like how I serve in the work?
- [35:55]
Jennifer Wallace
Yeah, I think it's a really good way for people to start to think about, you know, asking themselves those questions so that they can see where maybe their expectations of themselves and of life might be out of alignment.
- [36:10]
Elizabeth Kristof
Well, I think a lot of what we're talking about too is like finding safety in the stillness, safety in the pause, safety in the being of ourselves. Feeling safe in the emotional, not just in the emotional expression, but in the feeling of emotions. And there's this phrase out there, you know, you hear people say a lot of people spiritual bypassing be like, I'm going to sit with this emotion. And it's like, well you can sit with all you want, but you better start moving it. Because that shit's just saying in the body you're going to sit with it is not going to be enough. You can sit with it to honor it, but we also have to move it and purge it if we can so that we create a new landscape in the nervous system that does understand safety. Safety to rest, safety to also getting back to food, the safety. And you know what? I'm going to eat this holiday treat and I'm not going to spin out about it. It's safe for me to indulge a little bit to my own capacity.
- [37:13]
Jennifer Wallace
Yes, yes. Because this is a time to indulge a little bit to your own capacity. We're talking about allowing yourself to experience pleasure and having the capacity in your nervous system to be in a space where you can experience pleasure. Right?
- [37:33]
Elizabeth Kristof
Yeah. Because it's not only the stress load of all of everything that we've talked about converging onto one thing, it's also the denial of pleasure that is your human birthright. We are meant to experience joy and pleasure. It is your divine right. And we deny ourselves that. And it's painful to do that.
- [37:55]
Jennifer Wallace
And when you're in a survival state, it is not the priority of your brain and your nervous system. It's not the time to experience pleasure. You're in survival mode. You're in either way too much sympathetic nervous system activation, so fight flight or, or you have way too much parasympathetic nervous system activation and you're shut down, you're frozen, you're dissociated, and again, there's nothing wrong with you if that happens. It's just a well worn pathway and a survival response. But it does rob you of the ability to Connect with other human beings. And again, it's not a priority of your system to experience pleasure or have social connection when it's trying to survive. And so it just doesn't have the capacity in that place. Because I think it's going to be hard maybe for people to understand or to know how to even know when their expectations are harmful. And so I would also say look at the outputs that you experience. Do you have a lot of anxiety rolling into social events and then you have post event collapse, post event shutdown? Do you get migraines after? Are you in a lot of pain? Because if so, you're exceeding your capacity, right? Your stress bucket is overflowing. And can we come to a place where we can just look at those outputs with a little bit of curiosity? Okay, My body and my nervous system are telling me something is too much and can I start to in little ways honor that capacity with some self compassion and just see what happens? What happens if I start to listen to that and make decisions based on not pushing myself into those outputs anymore? And what if we experimented with doing that for a couple weeks and see how life changed?
- [39:49]
Elizabeth Kristof
It's a lot to think about. It's a lot to really think about. And you do not have to do this alone. Like we've, we can totally hold this space for you and teach you the tools. I mean there's a two week free series on the brain based wellness site that you can go to right now. If you're listening, go sign up for that series and get yourself some free tools. They might help you where you are at today and support a nervous system that is resilient by design, that wants to support you in pleasure and joy and connection, but will also throw out some pretty heavy survival protective outputs to make sure that you stay safe. And everything that we've mentioned today, the perfectionism, the binging, the migraines, the pain, the dissociation is all protective. It is because you are so intelligently designed that you have a way to completely check out. It is not. You don't come from a punishing place. And the place that your body and your brain and your nervous system come from is not to punish you.
- [40:52]
Jennifer Wallace
No, absolutely. It's always safety and survival first. It's trying to keep you alive. And I will say too like it is possible to change that is not what my holidays look like anymore, you know, and I've been able to reconstruct this time of year. I mean don't get me wrong, of course I'm human. I feel Pressure. Sometimes, you know, sometimes my inner critic voice goes, sometimes I feel perfectionism. But for the most part, I've been able to reconstruct this time of year so that I'm living in a way that feels a lot more conducive to the health of my nervous system. I have time in the mornings to go be out in nature. I end my days earlier and start winding down and try to have a nighttime sleep ritual so that I'm able to rest more. I have boundaries. I have healthy boundaries. I don't plan a lot of events. I travel a lot. I get, I get out of Dodge and don't feel all this pressure to construct, like this perfect family picture that I never had growing up and create this entire experience for myself. It's just, I allow myself to live differently.
- [41:59]
Elizabeth Kristof
So true. So true. And just you can ask yourself, what do I want this to look like and why doesn't it look like this and what support do I need for that? Maybe you don't have to bust out the big turkey. Maybe you can just have it cake catered or pick up some sides. You know, what is the pressure? How is the perfectionism showing up? And how can you dial, dial it back, Support yourself with safe tools and practices and then go into this a little bit differently this holiday season.
- [42:29]
Jennifer Wallace
Yeah, we're here for it.
- [42:30]
Elizabeth Kristof
Yep. Yep. Totally.
- [42:33]
Jennifer Wallace
Thank you so much for spending your.
- [42:35]
Elizabeth Kristof
Time with us and listening to this episode. It really means the world to us.
- [42:39]
Jennifer Wallace
If you get a lot out of these episodes. We would love it if you headed over to your favorite podcast platform, left us a good rating and a review. It really helps expand our reach and.
- [42:50]
Elizabeth Kristof
Please share this conversation with anyone that you think would benefit. All of this helps us to expand.
- [42:55]
Jennifer Wallace
This collective conversation about the nervous system, about how trauma lives in the body, and what we can do to heal.
- [43:03]
Podcast Disclaimer Voice
This podcast is for informational and educational purposes only and should not be considered medical or psychological advice. We often discuss lived experiences through traumatic events and sensitive topics that deal with complex developmental and systemic trauma that may be unsettling for some listeners. This podcast is not intended to replace professional medical advice. If you are in the United States and you or someone you know is struggling with their mental health and is in immediate danger, please call 911 for specific services relating to mental health, please see the full disclaimer in the show.
- [43:37]
Jennifer Wallace
Not.