Podcast Summary: Trauma Rewired

Episode: When Attachment Overrides Authenticity: The Fawn Trauma Response

Hosts: Jennifer Wallace & Elisabeth Kristof
Date: September 15, 2025

Episode Overview

This episode explores the “fawn” trauma response: the instinctual, often unconscious adaptation where people abandon their own needs or boundaries to secure attachment, avoid conflict, and gain a sense of safety through pleasing others. Jennifer and Elisabeth discuss fawn as both a reflexive nervous system pattern and a survival strategy, contrasting it with more commonly recognized trauma responses like fight, flight, freeze, and flop. The episode delves into how fawn shows up in daily life—including interpersonal relationships and sexual experiences—explains its biological roots, and offers insights and tools for healing and repatterning these responses.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Defining Fawn – A Survival Mechanism

• Fawn response is not just "people-pleasing." It's a deep, reflexive pattern tied to evolutionary needs for safety and belonging.
  • “You’re not broken, you’re adapted. And there is another way for us to be in the world.” — Jennifer Wallace (01:16)
  • Both hosts share personal experiences of chronic people-pleasing and self-abandonment rooted in early childhood.
• Unlike fight, flight, or freeze, fawning is about preserving attachment—even at the expense of authenticity.

2. Origins and Biology of Fawn

• The need for attachment as survival is hardwired from infancy; safe connection and co-regulation with caregivers are foundational.
  • “Connection is not a luxury. It is our survival. Our brains have evolved to keep us close to others. Because isolation means danger.” — Jennifer Wallace (06:57)
• Fawn behaviors often begin in early relationships and can solidify into identities (e.g., the "good girl," the caretaker).
• Two aspects of fawn:
  • Placating a predator for immediate safety (acute threat scenarios).
  • Chronic people-pleasing for social survival and attachment needs (everyday relationships).

3. Fawn Patterns in Daily Life

• Saying yes when wanting to say no; smiling to maintain peace; hugging or providing affection for acceptance rather than genuine desire.
  • “I used to hug people a lot as a way to be accepted… I was engaging in deeper self-abandonment to do that.” — Jennifer Wallace (04:03)
• Fawn is highly energy costly and leads to cumulative self-abandonment, somatic tension, dissociation, and even chronic illness.

4. The Cycle of Shame and Disconnection

• Fawning is subconscious and reflexive, often followed by shame and regret.
  • “Why did I laugh at that joke? Why didn’t I speak up? Why didn’t I use my voice? It’s just so reflexive to move into a fawn response. It’s not a choice.” — Jennifer Wallace (13:57)
• Chronic fawn can create a feedback loop: self-abandonment for attachment, followed by shame and further immobilization (freeze).

5. True Connection vs. False Connection

• Real connection requires a regulated nervous system, safety, openness, and vulnerability—not just compliance or keeping the peace.
  • “What we end up creating with fawn response is this false sense of connection because it’s coming from dysregulation and hyper-vigilance.” — Elizabeth Kristof (18:31)
• Fawning blocks genuine emotional expression, which undermines fulfilling relationships and authentic connection.

6. Social and Physiological Mechanics

• Threats to attachment (even subtle ones) trigger amygdala activation and stress responses.
• The nervous system tracks countless social cues (vocal tone, eye movements, body language) to determine safety.
  • “My nervous system is constantly picking up cues from other people’s nervous system and making that same decision – safe or unsafe.” — Elizabeth Kristof (23:52)

Memorable Quotes & Moments

• Jennifer’s Survival Story (Predator/Fawn Example)

  • Jennifer shares an intense personal example of using fawn to survive a kidnapping and attempted trafficking in Turkey.
    • “I was doing everything I could. Like, my voice was super soft. And I was really trying to make him appeased… because I thought that would make a difference in my survival.” — Jennifer Wallace (26:48)
  • When fawn failed, she shifted to fight, highlighting how trauma responses can cycle for survival.

• Sexual Fawn

  • Sexual fawn: Engaging in sexual acts out of compliance to avoid conflict, maintain attachment, or out of a sense of obligation—even in safe relationships.
    • “Sexual fawn is… about pleasing the other person even when it’s not what we want. So this doesn’t always happen in abusive relationships… it’s about avoiding hurting their feelings and keeping connection.” — Jennifer Wallace (33:20)
    • Both hosts share experiences of dissociation and self-abandonment in sex, especially during early adulthood, noting how these habits endure until consciously addressed.
  • Impact: Leads to further emotional suppression, post-act dysregulation, and coping mechanisms like binge eating or numbing.

Notable Segment Timestamps

• What is Fawn? (00:15–06:57)
• Early Patterning & Chronic Effects (06:57–10:21)
• Fawn vs. True Connection (11:37–19:24)
• Fawn in High Threat/Predatory Situations (25:25–32:30)
• Sexual Fawn and Boundaries (33:33–42:13)
• Emotional Processing/Somatic Practices (42:13–44:56)
• Healing and Tools: Repatterning Fawn (45:18–54:03)
• Integration, Boundaries, and Noticing Fawn in Others (52:24–54:03)

Tools & Pathways to Healing

1. Somatic Awareness & Emotional Processing

• Learn to feel embodied "no" and "yes"; practice tuning into bodily signs of constriction or discomfort.
  • “Learning how to say no is emotional processing. Practice of just being able to say that word.” — Jennifer Wallace (42:56)
  • Both hosts describe practices such as screaming, whispering, or crying "no" to release old patterns.

2. Incremental Practice and Building Capacity

• Start small: Set and honor boundaries in low-stakes situations.
• Use nervous system training and regulation to make new experiences of boundary-setting feel safe.
  • “Creating safety around doing something different… It can be little things: saying no to small engagements, setting little boundaries around your work hours…” — Elizabeth Kristof (45:55)

3. Self-Compassion and Patience

• Healing involves gradual expansion of capacity—not perfectionism.
  • “Slow down, be compassionate with yourself. Go easy on yourself. It actually produced a strong protective output of feeling nauseous… that rest was a huge danger signal to my nervous system.” — Elizabeth Kristof (48:46)

4. Understanding Boundaries as Openness

• Boundaries aren’t necessarily harsh or about cutting people off—they’re about clarity and letting go.
  • “Boundaries being more about letting go. Rather than like putting the wall up, just opening the hands and being like, this is who I am, this is what I want. And if it aligns, then it is. But if not, I’m willing to let that go.” — Elizabeth Kristof (51:30)

5. Recognizing and Honoring Fawn in Others

• Fawn in others can be uncomfortable and feel like a boundary violation; healing allows for authentic connection in both directions.
  • “When someone’s fawning all over me… it is not in your nervous system. I can feel you. And it doesn’t feel safe to trust what you’re saying.” — Jennifer Wallace (53:01)

Final Takeaways

• The fawn response is adaptive—not a personal failing.
• Awareness is the first step: noticing fawn patterns opens the door to healing.
• Capacity for authentic connection, emotion, and boundaries can be rebuilt with steady somatic practice and self-compassion.
• Genuine connection is possible—not by abandoning ourselves, but by slowly reclaiming our authenticity.

Resources & Next Steps

• 2 Weeks Free Nervous System Training: rewiretrial.com
• Workshop on Expanding Capacity: “The Capacity Gap,” details at rewirecapacity.com
• Related Conversations: Previous episodes with Prentiss Hemphill, Luis Mojica, and further resources at Trauma Rewired.

End of summary.