On the Job

Or, A Parent's Work Is Never Done

I said this morning that it’s easy, but foolish, to assume that everyone is thinking and doing all the good things. When it comes to the glorious responsibilities and privileges of parenting nothing goes without saying.

So, let's say some things. Here are nine (9 is my favorite number) hard earned pieces of wisdom for your parenting life. A parent's work is never done, and that means more than just another load of laundry. You are on the job, there's a lot to learn on the job, and here’s a laundry list.

1. Be the adult.

The hospital does not hand out Owner's Manuals to new parents when discharging a newborn. This appears to be a great oversight. No one even asks if you know how to install the carseat.

And, if you are old enough to figure out how to reproduce, then you are old enough to figure out what to do with the fruit. You are certainly responsible to do the adulting.

Being the adult does not mean being the biggest child. It does not mean you get to have the winning bad attitude.

So much of life is a "wicked learning environment" (a category I find helpful that I read about in the book, Range by David Epstein). In this environment the rules aren't immediately clear, the feedback doesn't immediately come, and the consequences are significantly high. Playing checkers and being a doctor in the emergency room are different. Life is tough. But it's not your kids job to figure it out or tell you how to do your job.

2. Care like you’re your kids' only parents.

Let's use productivity as an analogy for parenting for a moment. What pen you use does not make you a better writer no matter how many podcasts you listen to about it, what app you use does not make you a better thinker. Fiddling with the system, ad nauseam, may feel like progress but it is just productivity theater.

Not only that, outsourcing your care (to AI) or delegating it (to a person) so that you don’t need to learn or care misses the point. It's one thing to find a force multiplier, it's another thing to hand off care that costs you nothing.

It is your job to care. No one else's care is the same, nor is anyone else going to care like a parent.

3. Never show shock.

Kids say the darndest things. Kids say the most honest and rude things. These days, the most protected kids still get exposed to crazy, and wicked, things. They will have questions that will tempt you to flip out, let alone reports about when they already flipped out in front of your friends.

I am not saying to be unshockable, I am saying to be an unshakable person your kids know they can talk to about anything, and keep your shock to conversations between spouses. More on this below in #8.

4. Ask more questions.

This is not because you are the 21st century Inquisition, but because you are interested and because you don't want to be a fool.

When you answer a matter before you hear it, you are the fool (Proverbs 18:13). When you only listen to one side of the story, you are the fool (Proverbs 18:17). When the surface story seems convenient, when the details don't match up, when you want to find out how better to bless and encourage and affirm, get them to talk.

Note: not every kid opens up the same way, or even the same way to both parents. Find the right spot, a good angle, use your strengths, and have a curious approach.

5. Develop your gut.

Answer a fool according to his folly, or don't (Proverbs 26:4-5). How do you know which and when?

There are a lot of options. Push or Punt, Plead or Lead, Ask or Exhort, Gas or Brake. Are you dealing with delicates or denim, sweat or grass stain?

If you get value from personality type sort of discussions, or you get value from talking through characters in books and movies, or you get value from being ruthless with your own strengths and sins, even temptations to sin, let it keep updating the system, your radar, your vibe-sensors, your response arsenal.

This kind of "gut" is a way to talk about wisdom in the moment.

6. Plan to win by grace through faith, trusting God.

Another way to summarize Ephesians 6:4 is that we are raising Christians. Almost every time I talk about this, a tender-hearted father comes up to me and explains that he doesn't think this is possible. We can do everything right, but it's a crap shoot whether or not all the kids turn out alright, let alone believe in Jesus.

Parenting is not a vending machine, but it is hard enough without doing it and always wondering if what you’re doing matters.

“He that winneth souls is wise” (Proverbs 11:30 KJV). Grace! Faith! Win!

7 . Consider cause and effect (reaping what you sow) and second level consequences (how it affects the field for next season).

Galatians 6:7-9. God is not mocked, effects have causes just like fruits have roots.

Read the book Economics in One Lesson by Henry Hazlitt; it’s not about parenting per se, but by analogy, the point is that your decisions and work take effect in layers. When God blesses you to see your children’s children, it will be more a blessing if your children don’t have to warn their children about you.

8. Transform their energy, down from bad crazy and up from good ideas.

Do NOT ramp up or reward their envy, self-pity, or otherwise lack of emotional self-control. Bad things happen, people are mean and jerks, but we want our kids to learn both that we care and also that we don't need to move into Bitterville.

But also, DO look to affirm and pile-on to half-baked in the right direction sort of ideas.

Changing analogies, you move from being the rudder to wind in sails. You are helping more and more to move this ship, less and less to steer. Wind doesn't wait for sails, and wind makes it harder to go in some directions, which can be used for good.

9. Be thankful.

The diaper blow out, the dried spaghetti sauce, the ripped knee, the outgrown shoes, the slow progress, the late-night question, the developing skills that need extra resources and the unique struggles that need extra attention, these are part of God's will. “Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you” (1 Thessalonians 5:18).

Get GREAT at gratefulness, about your kids (to God, to your spouse, to others), and to your kids. This does not mean there are not (big) problems to solve. But if you wait to be thankful until there are only things to be thankful, more will be lost than just your own joy.

As Jonathan says, thankful people are more fun to bless, and they are also more fun to follow/obey.

Conclusion

It is a lifelong effort with seasonal changes, but the most frustrating part will be thinking that you can get it all figured out and then be done. Take off that wrong expectation that burdens, and embrace that the work is never done.

You are on the job, learning on the job. There is always something to learn and work to do and care to show. Praise God!