Parenting Tune-Up

Or, Nothing Goes Without Saying

“Blessed the man that fears Jehovah and that walketh in His ways!” That’s one of our favorite psalms to sing (Psalm 128). Blessings from the Lord include children all around a man's table like olive plants (verse 3). Blessing includes seeing his children's children (verse 6). It's not just the fact of family and generations, it's a gift from God to able to enjoy family and family fruitfulness.

This blessedness, and the purposes and principles and practices involved to get it, does not go without saying. It all has to be said, again and again, in public and from house to house, clearly and with illustrations. It’s easy, but foolish, to assume that everyone is doing the same work in their houses. When it comes to the glorious responsibilities and privileges of parenting nothing goes without saying.

So, let me say some things.

The God who created heaven and earth invented the idea of parents. God gave breath and souls and a mandate to the first parents. The same God calls us to pray to Him as our Father and to see ourselves as His children. When image-bearers, husband and wife, make love, God gives them children. Fruitfulness is a feature of blessed intimacy. God made it so, praise God!

But we do not always see our kids as gifts until they’ve been asleep quietly in the crib for a couple hours. Parenting can feel more like burden than blessing, and boy, diapers are expensive and potty-training is annoying and orthodontists aren’t in the office on the days we’re free. In our day and place, kids are costly and inconvenient, let alone when they learn enough words to say that they’re ungrateful. But for all that, we are not the first people to have parenting problems.

It's easy to miss that the last prophecy in the Old Testament is the Lord's promise to fix hearts in the household.

“Behold, I will send you Elijah the prophet before the great and awesome day of the LORD comes. And he will turn the hearts of fathers to their children and the hearts of children to their fathers, lest I come and strike the land with a decree of utter destruction.” (Malachi 4:5–6 ESV)

Not mentioned here, but the most important heart turn is to the Lord, away from self and the world. That’s earlier in the chapter (in verse 2), so the good is for who fear the Lord’s name. The next most important turn is a generational turn, with emphasis on the fathers. Fathers will turn to their kids, kids will turn to their fathers. This does not mean that the family only looks at each other, but there is a loyalty.

What does this look like, practically, concretely, rubber gloves meet the dirty dishes sort of thing? That's good to ask, though I would point out from the passage itself that the turn is first internal and spiritual and attitudinal and obvious in the same way that gravity works. There’s a time to think about the pattern for laying bricks, but not if you’re trying to lay bricks on top of smoke; you need a solid foundation. The foundation for parenting is turned hearts.

We've made it to our first Parenting Tune-Up day. A tune-up is an accessible and workable analogy. A tune-up is not the same as collision repair after the train dragged your car down the track for a quarter mile. I'm going to speak as if your hearts are turned to your kids, that maybe you need to make some adjustments, but not heart overhauls (though those can be done with God’s help!). There are some basic checks, always relevant, and like I said, nothing goes without saying. I'm not one of those possessive mechanics trying to guilt you for waiting until 3005 miles to change the oil, though I do care for your sake. The goal here is a running car, by which I mean a household running in glad fellowship and increasing fruitfulness.

These checks are for potential parenting breakdowns not problem children. Kids have problems, parents do need to deal with those problems, but you can be problematic while dealing with problems.

So assuming your heart is turned toward your kids, here are some reminders for sake of your heart being tuned up.

TIFS for the Motivated

Being a dad or mom is a relentless vocation. You should want not just to endure, but to excel. There are helps, but remember, “The unmotivated are notoriously invulnerable to insight” (Friedman).

It really does require care and constant attention, lifelong learning, and dying to bring life. We're talking about being high agency parents, who have clear thinking, who are willing to disagree with their kids (for their good), and who have a bias to action (even if that is the action of waiting on the Lord).

High agency by itself, in the flesh, will just keep dragging the plow through the field and so nothing good will grow. We need high agency (human responsibility) multiplied by grace. High agency x God's grace = abundant blessing.

I like to play around with my disdain for "tips" in such big subjects such as parenting. So how about TIFS instead.

Time

Deuteronomy 6 (see especially verses 4-7) implies presence, parents with their kids sitting down, walking around, at bed time, and breakfast. Presence is not only measured in minutes-per-day, but a parent trying to calculate the least minutes-per-day is already missing the point. Looking at your calendar/schedule and acknowledging that the minutes aren't enough is one thing, but trying to find the lowest possible minutes is abdication.

Someone should be available, it’s often the mom. Go to their stuff.

Intention

All the time in the world doesn't matter if you're merely drifting out in the middle of the ocean heading nowhere. It's not just amount of availability, it's aim. You are raising Christians, raising future parents. If nothing else, know what to avoid, since the apostle Paul requires fathers to avoid provoking to anger (Ephesians 6:4) or discouragement (Colossians 3:21).

Hanging out can be intentional. It’s not just planning the next lecture, but you should be able to see where things are going.

Faith

Having great intentions, or at least intentions for them to do great things, could be an anxiety fest. High expectations can suffocate, setting you up for frustration, and you can want the right things in brutal ways.

By grace through faith, not self-willed manipulation, also not doubting. Keep on trusting God, in front of your kids, and for your kids.

Sacrifices

High agency parenting by grace is not the same thing as everything going according to your plan. It's not just that you're sacrificing to make a plan, which you should, it's that you should "plan" that key moments will happen that weren't on the list for that day.

Yes, you make sacrifices to earn a paycheck and prepare dinner and drive them to practice and buy them birthday gifts, as it should be; sow bountifully to reap bountifully (the principle in 2 Corinthians 9:6). But they are going to ask for counsel when it is not convenient. They will bring you bad news when you’re already full up on bad news. They are going to need you to care about things that aren't in your wheelhouse. They are going to require you to say things, because nothing goes without saying, and you’re the one God gave them to say it.

TIFS: time, intention, faith, sacrifices.

THIQ Discipline

Parents should expect THIQ obedience from their kids; there are verses for it. Kids should obey totally, happily, immediately, and quickly. That is the standard. When our kids were younger we wrote THIQ on our five-gallon paint-stirring "rods" to remind us all what we’re after.

But I think this has a second application for the one holding the rod.

Total

Your discipline should aim to pull the whole weed. Part of what this means is that you're looking for their attitude to be right, not just for them to stop hitting their brother, as good as that would be, or parrot back the forgiveness formula.

This is a place that you've got to know your kids. With the dig and dung analogy for discipline, dig with your gut, and let the dung be full of grace. With certain kids what you see is all there is. With other kids they might not even know what’s inside, so help them figure it out.

Happy

Of course we're not talking about being giddy. There's no godly glee in inflicting pain received through the ears or the bottom.

What this does mean is that you must not do it angry. Discipline should not start, continue, or end with your frustration, or resentment, or anxiety. Could you start singing a psalm at any point? And I don’t mean “understand, O stupid people, when, O fools, will you be wise?” Against anger, annoyance, and anxiety discipline in love, joy, and peace.

Immediate

Don't let disobediences pile up. Of course there are times when you wait to get out of the store into the car. In some cases you need to leave the store and go to the car while the half-full shopping cart sits in the aisle. As kids get older they can remember why they earned the talk, or the rod, and fine. But in general, don't let sin build up. It's not good for them, or the watching siblings, and isn't going to help you be happy.

Quick

The conversation takes as long as it takes, as does the spanking. Again, we're looking for turned hearts which isn’t about a stopwatch. And also, when the heart has turned, don't keep the heavy drama going just to drive the point home deeper. Pray, hug, sing, go back to the dinner table, and ge...