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- [00:00]
A
You know, we got engaged quite some time ago now, September of 2023, and it is now February of 2025, and we are getting into wedding planning. Yeah. Probably a little late. Probably a little procrastinating, and it's definitely that.
- [00:23]
B
Yes.
- [00:23]
A
I haven't tried on dresses yet, so I don't know how this is gonna go. But we've really started planning and looking into this, and it's got us rethinking everything.
- [00:38]
B
I feel like that must be a common experience. It has to be like. I know. People are like, die hard, yes, we're gonna have a wedding. But even though you know you're still gonna have it, you have to hit that moment where you're like, what are.
- [00:52]
A
We doing all this for? Yeah, I'm there before getting there. I think, like, I always talked about those videos I would see with that interstellar sound, and they're like, no screaming outside the window watching them, like, do something. Right? And a lot of the ones I've seen are, like, wedding planning, where they're, like, wedding planning together, and then the. The couple is standing outside screaming like, no, just a low.
- [01:15]
B
That's funny.
- [01:15]
A
And I'm starting to question, like, you know, I wanted all of these things. I wanted the camel. I wanted a Ferris wheel. I wanted all these things. But when you start really, like, planning and looking into it and making your guest list, and I'm. I'm to the point now where I'm like, I don't know if I want any of it. And I'm getting to a point where I really need to decide. We need to decide. Unfortunately for me, you're kind of very go with the flow, and you just want to make sure I'm happy. While you have your opinions and preferences, I think you would prefer to elope. I've always had this idea of a wedding, so I'm like, I don't know. I don't know. And I think this is a place a lot of people are in, so.
- [02:02]
B
Especially in this economy.
- [02:03]
A
Oh, my God, wait till we get into this, you guys. But, like, I just want a tent. I want a nice tent, right? Glass looking clear. Nice tent with walls in case it rains.
- [02:12]
B
Because you want it at the farm.
- [02:14]
A
I want it at my farm. I still want to get married at my farm. And the wedding venue there is just not ready. It's probably not going to be ready for, I don't know, five years. I don't know. Just a tent, you guys. A nice tent. What did the wedding planner tell us.
- [02:28]
B
More than most People's whole entire wedding is what the tent is.
- [02:32]
A
$70,000 for a tent.
- [02:36]
B
Just to rent the tent to rent it and not the inside stuff.
- [02:43]
A
I'm literally going to go on Alibaba and order a fricking tent myself. I'm literally. I'm just like. I'm like, what? And I see these videos of people doing, you know, the Chinese. Like, you order direct from China off Alibaba and like, it gets sent in a crate. And I think it's gonna be me if we do this thing. But weddings are crazy, you guys. So we're getting into all wedding stuff today. I think this is going to be a theme that kind of comes up a few times this year. But the theme is eloping. Underrated, because eloping is looking pretty good right about now. But we shall see.
- [03:25]
B
Yes.
- [03:26]
A
Are you ready?
- [03:27]
B
Yes.
- [03:27]
A
Okay, let's dive in. Okay, here we go. Up first, this is coming from Am I the? It is posted 5 months ago titled Am I the for starting my wedding ceremony before my mom showed up.
- [04:05]
B
Was she late?
- [04:07]
A
The day of the wedding started out as they normally do. I bride was inside getting ready and final touches were being made outside. After I was almost ready, by noon, my mom had to run back to the hotel, 20 minutes away, to change and come back with my grandma and family friend. The invitation says, ceremony at 2. As per usual, we were a little late starting, but nothing crazy. Next thing I know, I'm walking myself down the aisle with no mom, grandma, or family friend in sight. The ceremony continues and it's over before we know it. Still nothing after 45 minutes. Finally they pull up, then I proceed to go and tell them it's over and that they missed it. And that too meant two. My mother immediately became hostile and proceeded to blame the bakery for not having the buns ready, then said they were stopped by a train. And my personal favorite was, quote, it's your fault. You didn't call or text to see where we are. Excuse me. Again, the invitation said to also note the officiant also had another wedding to get to after mine, so it was a tight schedule. So am I the asshole for not holding up my ceremony? Side note, I found out the real reason why they were late. She wasn't done getting herself ready, therefore holding up everyone. But she is mad at me because it's my fault. Am I the asshole? Wow.
- [05:40]
B
Okay, well, I get that we had a time crunch based on, you know, the next wedding that they were obliged to as the couple getting married. You, I think you have all Power over anything to do with that night. If you want to, I don't know, flip. This is weird, but flip the reception and the ceremony. Yeah, you could theoretically do that. You can kind of do whatever you want and mess with times and do whatever. So I'm, I really am wanting more context as to. Is this a pattern that she has dealt with forever with her mom where I can't count on her to get anywhere on time? I tell her I've started to try and tell her the time is 10am when it's really noon. Somehow she's still late. Is this kind of something where I need more info on the mom daughter relationship here? Because it seems that it would not be really that difficult or, you know, that out of the question to reach out and say, hey, where are you going? It's 10 minutes to 2. You think you guys are going to get here? So there's something happening that we don't know. And I just, I don't know. It feels weird to not hold it at least for a second. Get in touch and if they're like, yeah, I'm still not ready and you're really pushing it, the show must go on. I mean, just the.
- [07:22]
A
There's clearly some tension there or a history of this behavior. Because I know for me, my mom is notoriously late. She almost missed our engagement. Granted, she didn't know what it was, but my mom is always late. We know this, our wedding. I'm gonna tell her 1pm if it's 3pm Because I know, but if this were me and I, I know my mom's a late person. And my mom would, My mom was like this. My mom would find excuses. There was a train, I got caught up. I had to let the dogs out. Your horses needed water. Like shit happens.
- [07:57]
B
But not on this day, but not.
- [07:59]
A
On this day, but in the same breath. And maybe this is a me problem and I should work on this, but I would still call her and be like, hey, are you, are you going to be here soon? Like I would have communicated. Granted, it is her wedding day, she's busy. She shouldn't have to herd cats and tell people when and where to get there. It's like, you're an adult. Get there. But I know for me personally, I would have given them a heads up and been like, hey, we gotta start soon if you're not here.
- [08:27]
B
Well, but the thing knowing you too and it, it takes, it makes it really personal. But you in no way would do that without your mom and grandma there.
- [08:38]
A
And I there's there's no chance my grandma. Hell, no.
- [08:41]
B
That that would poss. Even happen.
- [08:43]
A
But is OP the asshole for doing this? No, no. The invitation said to. Invitation said two mom was there helping, you know, op get ready. Said, hey, I'll be right back. I gotta go change. So that was noon, 20 minutes each way. Mom had what, an hour and a half. Hour and 20 minutes to get ready.
- [09:04]
B
And still, like, it wasn't even close to two.
- [09:06]
A
And they. They were running behind on top of that, so she had more time. So it really is on the mom. And this is a tough lesson to learn. I'm sad that grandma, you know, got caught in the crossfire.
- [09:18]
B
Yes.
- [09:19]
A
But it is one of those tough love lessons, and I don't think OP is the asshole.
- [09:28]
B
Yeah, it's just.
- [09:29]
A
It's tough.
- [09:30]
B
It sucks that it felt that it. It had to come to a point on this day. Miss the bri. Be late to the bridal shower. Be late to anything else. Be late to my birthday party. I know where I can make a, you know, make a point. But it really sucks that it had to do this because, yeah, you do have the ultimate power on your wedding day. But also, there were certain constraints in place.
- [09:53]
A
There were where?
- [09:54]
B
And also, you can't have all your people show up and, hey, guys, we're gonna have you sit here for 50 minutes and then we'll start. You know, I mean, it. It gets to a point where it's.
- [10:03]
A
Like you have to move on.
- [10:05]
B
My hands are tied.
- [10:06]
A
So overall, vote on this one, what do you think?
- [10:09]
B
It is not the asshole.
- [10:12]
A
Correct. It is not the asshole. Top comment? Definitely not the asshole. If she could receive a text, she could send a text. It's not up to the bride or groom to keep track of family on their wedding day.
- [10:24]
B
That's true.
- [10:25]
A
That said, it is curious that no one, no other family members, no other member of the wedding party, no wedding planner, etc, made an attempt to find out where the mother of the bride was when she didn't show up. Was it a tiny ceremony? And that's what I kind of mean. Like, yeah, for me, I would have just called because I think even if someone does this routinely, I would be worried they got in a car accident. I would be worried they're in a ditch somewhere. Like, my head jumps there. And if you did just, God forbid, go on with your ceremony and then find out after that they got seriously hurt or needed help or, you know, something really, like a really good reason actually did hold them up.
- [11:05]
B
Yeah.
- [11:05]
A
You'd feel Bad.
- [11:06]
B
Yeah.
- [11:07]
A
So I don't know. It is interesting.
- [11:10]
B
It is pretty obvious when a parent of, you know, one of the partners is not there.
- [11:17]
A
Yeah.
- [11:17]
B
Like at, in the wedding, I was just in my friend Mike. If his dad wasn't around, we would have all been like. Well, because his dad's also named Mike, we'd also been like, where's Mike? We gotta go find Mike right now. You know, we would have all been on it like a mission.
- [11:31]
A
So.
- [11:32]
B
Yeah, you just. I don't know, I'm so curious of the dynamic.
- [11:36]
A
Yeah. Well, we do have a couple comments from op. A lot of people are accusing her of being AI and she's like, I promise you, I'm human. Mother, grandma and family friend are from another province. They were staying in a hotel. She planned that, not me. The buns were not needed until 5pm they were at a bakery 15 minutes away. So, you know, mom could have skipped the buns, gone to the ceremony and then, you know, it's not about here nor there. Also, maybe someone else should have planned to get the buns and not Mom. Like again, like there's, there's strategic ways to like out plan for the worst case scenarios. But again, she's an adult. She should have gotten her ass there. Still haven't spoken to her since she left to go back home. I stopped caring for her after my wedding.
- [12:23]
B
See, that just doesn't happen out of the blue. This has been building up.
- [12:28]
A
Yeah, it is peculiar because there's one last comment from OP haven't spoken to my mom since then. She reached out once to remind me the anniversary of the death of my dog. Nothing else. So it sounds like Mom's not really apologizing. OP shouldn't have to apologize. Yeah, they're at this awkward stalemate and it's just a bad situation.
- [12:49]
B
It sucks. The whole thing sucks. Like it. Nobody wants to be in that position with a parent. I mean, just, I don't know. It makes you sad.
- [13:00]
A
Yeah, it is interesting. But moving along, this one is coming from Am I the? It is titled Am I the? For refusing to label my wedding cake as vegan because a guest felt tricked. My husband, 32 male, and I, 30 female, had a vegan wedding because we're both vegan. We made it clear in advance that the food and cake would be plant based. And no one complained until the reception. The cake was gorgeous, three tiers decorated with edible flowers. Towards the end of the night, one of my husband's aunts, Linda, came up to me looking visibly upset. She said it was disrespectful to have a vegan cake on display because it felt like I was, quote, pushing my lifestyle on everyone. I told her the cake wasn't meant to make a statement. It was just the dessert we chose for our wedding. She insisted I either move the cake off the main table or add a sign saying it was vegan so people weren't tricked into eating it. I refused because one, it was my wedding, two, it's a cake, not propaganda, and three, no one else seemed to care. Linda ended up storming out, and now my in laws are saying I should have compromised to avoid drama. I think Linda's reaction was ridiculous, but my husband thinks I could have just put up a sign to keep the peace. Am I the asshole?
- [14:37]
B
No.
- [14:38]
A
Linda's crazy.
- [14:40]
B
What happened to Linda? Did Linda fall on the dance floor and hit her head?
- [14:43]
A
Linda has lost the plot from what I hear.
- [14:46]
B
We heard reasons 1, 2, and 3. I have a number 4.
- [14:50]
A
What is it?
- [14:51]
B
We clearly told everyone, here's exactly what we're serving. And we are. It's all vegan. Because we are vegan and it's our wedding. And why would we have anything at our wedding? Then we cannot eat.
- [15:06]
A
Wait, I wonder if Linda thinks the cake was the only vegan thing because why isn't she also bitching about the food?
- [15:11]
B
That right, Exactly. That's why she hit her head on the dance floor.
- [15:14]
A
This is so embarrassing. I just talked about it on an episode I just recorded with Lauren. I ordered from this one place called, like, Veggie Grill, not realizing it was vegan. And I ordered a chicken wrap. It wasn't chicken. So I honestly think Linda could have gotten like, like a bean patty slider and been like, oh, my God, it's a burger. Like, Linda probably doesn't know.
- [15:38]
B
I mean, I don't see how that is offensive because vegan is very safe. I don't know anyone who can't eat something vegan. But I do know people who can't have dairy, don't eat certain meats or whatever, can't eat fish. Who knows what it is? I could see how the problem would be flipped, like, oh, it was supposed to be dairy free, it was supposed to be meat free, and it was filled with X, Y, Z because I can't eat that. No. All of a sudden we're offended because the sky is blue and I'm not the one being married. I don't know what the issue is. What's the real problem? Because it certainly the cake. And then, and then Also now newly husband. What do you mean, keep the peace?
- [16:28]
A
Well, I think that's like the in laws, which, like, also Linda's an aunt. I mean, it's not, you know, your mother in law or father in law. I don't get why they're not like, oh, that's just Linda. Like, let Linda stomp around and be dramatic. Like, who cares?
- [16:43]
B
Why, why is she still in the thunder?
- [16:45]
A
I don't know. I. It's super strange. And we've had a bunch of vegan stories. People lose their minds over eating vegan food when they're not vegan. We've had a few stories and there was another one about a wedding, but it's like, I don't know, I understand how it could, like, be tough if, like, you're so hungry and that's the only meal of the day you're having. Like, and then the food is, like, inedible to you. But it was probably really good food.
- [17:14]
B
It was talked about beforehand.
- [17:17]
A
And. Well, the thing is, it's like, if it tastes good, why do you care if it's vegan or not? Like, it's.
- [17:23]
B
Well, and if you knew ahead of time, why is it a problem now? And bring some goddamn cheese that's in your pocket.
- [17:29]
A
Well, and I think everyone has their preferences. Right. Like, it's. It's kind of hard. Like, what I'm trying to explain in my head. She could have ate before. She could have accommodated herself. But again, it's kind of a wedding. You shouldn't have to. Like, there should be things that your guests can eat. But at the same time, like, this is having your guests eat vegan versus forcing vegan people to eat burgers. Like a veganism is like, it's so different than like, eating meats and all this stuff. You know what I mean? Like, it's. It feels like for people to eat vegan for one night out of one wedding, like, that's fine. Versus having other people, like, turn into carnivores when they're not.
- [18:09]
B
Yeah. I mean, Linda's acting like she's sitting down in the reverse. Okay. We're flipping it.
- [18:15]
A
Okay.
- [18:15]
B
She. She's. She eats vegan and she's sitting down in a vegan restaurant enjoying her meal in a very safe space because it's all vegan food. Okay. I walk in with a giant burger, double triple stacked juices everywhere. It's basically just raw meat, right?
- [18:36]
A
Yep.
- [18:37]
B
And I'm sitting right next to her, just enjoying my burger. That's clearly not from there that I could See, being very insensitive and also just being. It would kind of be like, yeah, what the F is this shit? But when you flip it all, it's like, it doesn't make any sense. She's acting like there was such injustice and it's. Oh, you're being so mischievous and you're trying to trick everybody. Trick everybody into what?
- [19:07]
A
Into what?
- [19:09]
B
Like, it's like you put laxatives in the cake and you just found out and everyone's gonna go home and be on the toilet all night. I, I just don't. I don't get the reaction.
- [19:18]
A
It's super weird. Not the no in my take. Linda's gotta grow up. Linda has to get back on planet Earth. She's gotta grow up. Top comment. Not the. The whole thing was vegan. It was your wedding, your choice. I wouldn't feel tricked by eating a vegan cake at all. She has some issues. Let her see and be upset. You don't owe her anything. Put up a sign. Would have rewarded her bad entitled behavior. You had no reason to do it.
- [19:44]
B
And where are you going to find the sign? You know, Print one real quick. Cake is vegan. Everyone else would be like, duh.
- [19:53]
A
Also, if people have allergies, like, that's on them to monitor their allergies, like, and ask. I don't think anyone's going to give a fuck besides Linda. Goofy, Just goofy. It's a cake. It probably tastes better than the one with dairy in it. There's so many cakes here in la because LA is like, notorious. Like, oh, my God. Oat milk, almond milk. Like, oh, my God, we don't eat dairy. Whatever. It's honestly great because Justin is dairy free. He's, you know, intolerant, and I feel better. You don't have so much bloating, inflammation.
- [20:26]
B
Like, none. Zero.
- [20:28]
A
So good. And like, most of the cakes that are out here taste better than cakes with, like, dairy in them. I don't know how they do it.
- [20:35]
B
It is crazy.
- [20:36]
A
It's magic. Chalk it up as a new experience and just move on. It's not that serious. It's a cake. Don't eat it.
- [20:43]
B
It's like you were desperately searching for something to be upset about. Anything. What can I be upset about? That's what it feels like. It looks. It was like she was looking for something. I'm gonna attack that cake and I'm gonna try and ruin her night.
- [20:57]
A
You want to see someone else that's about to try to ruin a night?
- [21:00]
B
Yeah.
- [21:00]
A
This next one with Linda, this next.
- [21:02]
B
One I don't want to hear any more about.
- [21:04]
A
People are goofy. But this is like, again, like, is it easier to elope? Because I think about the weddings I've gone to and like, I've sat at a table with people and they're like, there's not enough food here. Like, I'm still hungry. That sucked. Like, people are gonna complain. And that's just a frustrating part of it. It's like, but you can. People go to weddings to judge weddings.
- [21:24]
B
That's fine. But at least they're coming up with half. You know, they half make sense with what they're. They're saying. Not this completely just pulled out. I don't know. She's nuts.
- [21:40]
A
She's nuts. And so is this next one. One of this week's partners is Lumi. I just got back from a bachelorette trip and I had a 14 hour travel day and there were a lot of people on those planes and shuttle buses that definitely did not put deodorant on. But you know who didn't stink? Me. Because I remembered to put on my Lume before I left. It's clinically proven to block odor all day and can last up to 72 hours. I love that it's ph balanced so it's safe to use everywhere. And Lume starter pack is perfect for new customers. It comes with a solid stick deodorant cream tube deodorant. Two free products of your choice like the mini body wash and deodorant wipes. Get the wipes and free shipping as a special offer for listeners. New customers get 15% off all Lume products with our exclusive code. And if you combine the 15% off with the already discounted starter pack, that equals over 40% off of their starter pack. Use code THT for 15% off your first purchase@lumide.com the that's code T h t at L M e D E o D O R a n t dot com. Please support our show and tell them we sent you smell fresher, stay drier and boost your confidence from head to toe with Lumi. Okay, story number three. It is coming from r Bridezillas.
- [23:04]
B
Nice.
- [23:05]
A
This has been the most fascinating subreddit for me to dive into lately. Don't usually spend a lot of time here. It honestly, the subreddit made me start feeling crazy. Crazy. There was one bride writing in and she shared a picture of like a seating chart, right? And it was like a mirror with like tables grouped up and diff on different like pieces of paper on the mirror and she goes, am I a bridezilla if I want a seating chart? Do people not have seating charts at their wedding?
- [23:37]
B
Then it's like Southwest.
- [23:39]
A
How do you know where people like sit? And if you're having a plated dinner, how do the servers know who has allergies and who ordered what? Like you're a bridezilla because you want a seating chart. Typically when people make seating charts, they preference the tables based on who's going to get along and who knows each other. Like, I feel like that's just considerate. Yeah, there was so. There was so much on the subreddit, like, I started to lose my mind. I'm like, I'm like, again, like, people have lost the plot. Like, what people? The stuff people were questioning. There was another girl. Literally, it doesn't fit our theme because she's not getting married, but there was another girl. Girl whose friend. I'm so flabbergasted. Whose friend said, hey, you can pick whatever bridesmaids dress you want. It just has to be this color. She sent her friend 40 different options and her friend turned down every single one.
- [24:36]
B
Then like, do you just not want to be in the wedding, dude?
- [24:39]
A
At that point, I would bow out. I would bow out. It's becoming a part time job to look for a bridesmaid's dress. I can't handle this. I'm out.
- [24:45]
B
Just time to elope again.
- [24:48]
A
That other person should. People in the comments were like, maybe she's colorblind. I don't think this other person in this next story though, is colorblind. And you'll see why very soon.
- [24:59]
B
Good segue.
- [25:01]
A
Okay, so this is a month old. It's titled Am I the Asshole For Not Letting My Brother's Fiance Wear White to My Wedding?
- [25:10]
B
Classic.
- [25:11]
A
Okay, so I, 28, female, just got married to my amazing husband Jake, 30, male. The planning was stressful, but everything turned out beautiful. Or at least it would have if not for the drama My brother's fiance, Erica, 26, female, caused.
- [25:28]
B
Erica.
- [25:30]
A
Erica is one bold, loud woman. She's the type who loves pushing the envelope as far as it would go, and which typically is rather fun until she pushes it to your detriment. A month before my wedding, Erica sent me a text stating to give a heads up that she wanted to wear a white gown on my wedding day. According to her, she considered it a modern trend and added that since she would not attract more attention than the bride herself, it did not matter. I was shocked. I told her tactfully but firmly that going to Someone else's wedding in white is a serious faux pas. Erica shrugged off the comment and said, quote, it's just a color. You are not even in pure white. It wearing ivory. Which was true, but not relevant in my mind. I tried to let it go, thinking perhaps she was playing a game with me. But then, a week before the wedding, my mom sent me a photo of Erica's dress. It wasn't just white. It was floor length, lacy, and absolutely bridal. I called Erica immediately and told her she needed to find something else to wear or she wouldn't be allowed in. She said I was being insecure and that it's 2024. Women should be able to wear what they want. Later, my brother called me. Chris, 29, male, begging to let it go. He said Erica thought she was targeted and that she was in an uproar because I was ruining her experience. He said she has already spent a lot on the dress and that by now it's too late to get another one. In this case, I just stood firm and said, if she shows up in that dress, she does not come in. Erica came out on the wedding day dressed in white. My stomach was sinking at that point, but I had already warned my wedding coordinator of the potential situation. The wedding coordinator caught Erica at the door and said that either she changes out of that or. Or get gone. Erica had a total fit in front of my guests, screaming that she is a bridezilla and jealous of her confidence. Chris stepped in and that is how they both bailed. Now my family is literally torn apart. My parents feel that Erica had overreached, but my brother says I humiliated them in public. Many of my other relatives go so far as to state that I overreacted and that I should have kept quiet for harmony's sake. It has been two weeks and Chris is not talking to me. Erica has made passive aggressive comments everywhere on social media about insecure brides and toxic wedding culture. Sometimes I think I must have been an idiot for even thinking twice about this and I should have just let her have the stupid dress. So am I the bridezilla?
- [28:41]
B
No. This is. This is so dumb. I just hate it because you handled it perfectly from start to finish.
- [28:51]
A
So good.
- [28:52]
B
I don't. And I'm so over the shit about, oh, you should just let these people walk all over you for harmony's sake.
- [29:01]
A
What does harmony mean? For whose harmony sake?
- [29:05]
B
And I don't. Why do we have to say it so much? It's not whose day is this that.
- [29:10]
A
It'S not her wedding she could have saved that dress for her wedding. It's white brothers floral lace.
- [29:18]
B
And the brother is just like all locked in.
- [29:20]
A
It's just, oh, well, that's very clearly like, that's someone who is with a partner that cannot stand up to them. And we see it all the time. He's an enabler, whether or not he thinks it's a big deal or not. Or maybe he's scared to rock the boat with her, but he's clearly outmatched. He doesn't have the confidence to communicate with her. He's scared of her backlash. Either way, she's kind of walking all over him, which is not right.
- [29:50]
B
And he's choosing her over you. He's enabling your wedding day.
- [29:55]
A
Enabling.
- [29:56]
B
That shit I would not forget.
- [29:57]
A
I mean, here's the thing. I would have been very curious if at any point op said to her, you can wear white to my wedding. Totally cool. Totally cool. Fine. Fine. Just so you know, I'm gonna wear white to your wedding then, too. I think it'd be really cool if you wore white to mine and then I wore white to yours, because you wouldn't have an issue with that, right? Can wear white to yours. Right. Well, do you think someone like this would be okay with someone else wearing white?
- [30:26]
B
No, but the. The problem with that game is she'll show up to yours, be all happy and whatever, and then by the time she ends up getting married, it's going to be a huge problem. It's just.
- [30:36]
A
Oh, it just be so funny though. It be so satisfying.
- [30:38]
B
There's no other way to play this than the way she did. It's the most professional, it's the most clear. It's every part about it was exactly how we would say to do it.
- [30:51]
A
I know that's a mature, adult way to do it.
- [30:53]
B
You're just dealing with someone who is impossible. I would just be waiting for the day that my brother realized what this. Just look at what is in front of you, you know, and I. I listen. I've learned that in life you just kind of control your deal. You watch everyone else around you go through their stories and, and their lives. You don't control anybody. You just kind of watch what they do, offer advice here and there, you know, maybe pull someone out of the way of a bus that's about to hit them, you know, metaphorically. Yeah, but you can't really get involved and say, hey, brother, I think she's horrible for you, and you're going to end up a miserable ball. You can't play that because you'll end up being the one that's ostracized. And so it sucks. But I think you played everything perfectly. You're definitely not a bride, Zilla. No, you're far from it. I am shocked that your family is split and divided on this because it couldn't be more clear what is right and what is wrong. Yeah, I mean, are people swooping in in like the brother's defense? Why? Why are we split? Why are we split? And if you are split on this, then you go off on an island with those two. And you know what? Maybe we'll figure out if this can all. We can repair this at some point, but I just can't deal.
- [32:23]
A
Maybe we can reconvene and compare notes.
- [32:24]
B
I'm going on my honeymoon. And I. And as far as, as far as all you people that are saying I'm in the wrong, I'm on an extended honeymoon. I'm on a long ass honeymoon until you can come around to your senses.
- [32:35]
A
Yeah, talk to me.
- [32:37]
B
I'm on do not disturb.
- [32:38]
A
Yeah, no, don't give them any more airtime. Don't acknowledge this anymore. It's to the point where people have said what they want to say and it was your wedding day. Like, let them just whip themselves in circles over something so stupid. And that's kind of where the comments are going. Top comment. Oh, honey, let them bitch and moan and make even greater fools of themselves. A bunch of weirdos. Next comment. And when they get married, wear a beautiful white dress. But don't tell them before. Let's see a real bridezilla in action. She will lose her shit. Next comment. Down. AKA wear your wedding dress again, I'm.
- [33:21]
B
Not going to their wedding. I'm sorry.
- [33:23]
A
I don't know if I would want to.
- [33:24]
B
Unless brother comes around at some point and really apologizes and is like, listen, you know, blah, blah, blah. Got the best of me and this and that. Other than that, I'm not interested right now. Because it was so easy for you to walk away on some bullshit ass shit about a white dress.
- [33:42]
A
Come on. I know. I mean, look at the upside. He supported his partner and her and her wrongs.
- [33:49]
B
When we do say, you know, have your partner's back, you're a team. But not when it. This is. Not when it pulls you away from shit like.
- [33:57]
A
No. And having, having your partner's back is being able to have conversations with them, even to ones he should have said. You know what? I get it. You might be right. You might be right, babe. You know, maybe it is a new trend, and we're going to talk about this new trend in a second. Maybe it is a new trend. But hey, you know, my sister said, no, let's just respect it. Let's respect it, you know? Yeah, she's a bridezilla, but come on, that is a good partner. Sometimes we need tough love. Yeah, but let's talk about this new trend. This new trend of wearing white to people's weddings.
- [34:37]
B
I. I thought that was a joke in the post.
- [34:39]
A
You know what? Based on this other post coming from Bridezilla R. Bridezilla, I don't know if it's a joke and maybe I'm just missing this. Maybe, maybe I haven't seen the TikTok videos that, you know, Weddings and white. Wearing white as a guest is new thing. I get it. If the bride instructs it, where it's like, hey, it's our reception, our rehearsal dinner. Everyone else wears white. I'm wearing blue. Get it? Those instructions were not sent in this case. Let's get into this next one.
- [35:10]
B
Oh, just like that, huh?
- [35:12]
A
Just like that.
- [35:12]
B
You know what we need? We need a scoreboard up here. One side, traditional wedding.
- [35:18]
A
Ooh.
- [35:18]
B
Other side, elope, Eloping. And then we keep score.
- [35:21]
A
Eloping is looking real good right about now, you know? You know we're gonna get someone in white. You just know it. I know it. We are getting people.
- [35:32]
B
I don't know who would be though.
- [35:34]
A
I don't know.
- [35:36]
B
I don't foresee anyone like that showing up and being like, adamant. Even after they've been clear about I'm wearing white. We're like, no, you're not gonna get let in. They still show up. I really don't foresee.
- [35:53]
A
I don't know. I don't know. I don't know if I'll get to it because we've got so many other good ones. Maybe, maybe I'll put it in the hopper. But there's someone that had a good solution for throw it in the hopper. Someone wearing white.
- [36:05]
B
Yeah. What? Red wine.
- [36:07]
A
That was one of our OG Takes. One of our O. G things. I mean, that might have been the wind under the too hot Take sails. Am I the asshole for throwing wine on my mom at my brother's wedding?
- [36:23]
B
Yeah, classic.
- [36:25]
A
Classic. But okay, on to this one. So this one is titled. Is it normal to just wear white to weddings now had multiple people wear white to my wedding. Hi, all. We had our wedding this summer and all caps. So many people wore white. My mother in law wore an Entire white gown with just a small flower pattern down the one side. We did a mother son and daughter father dance at the same time. And in those photos the flower pattern isn't showing at all. And she also looks like she was just in a wedding dress.
- [37:06]
B
What is the point?
- [37:09]
A
She wanted to look like she was marrying her son. I had one of our friends also wear a cream dress with no pattern on it at all. A friend's date wore a white dress with no pattern on it at all. And my dad's friend's wife also wore a white dress with flower embroidery. Very bridal, almost the same flowers as mine lol. My grandmother also wore a white dress with some multicolored flowers on it and a pink cardigan. Not nearly as bad, but not something I would ever wear to someone's wedding on my own. I didn't really notice this except my mother in law's outfit until I got my photos back because the only thing I was looking at that day was my husband. Lol. Is this just the new normal now? Are traditions fading? I don't know if this should bother me or not. Our dress code was just a suggested copy paste on our website. It stated it was formal and had a phrase at the bottom that said please no white. But I'm sure nobody read the dress code.
- [38:16]
B
It doesn't matter if you have a goddamn dress code.
- [38:19]
A
Oh my God, the fact she did.
- [38:22]
B
Is it not. Is it not just common sense? Did I grow up in a different world than everyone else?
- [38:31]
A
I don't know if it's because we are tapped into Reddit and it's just like so on the front of our brains. I don't know if people think Reddit.
- [38:41]
B
Has nothing to do with this.
- [38:42]
A
For me, I honestly like I knew, I knew don't wear white to a wedding before Reddit. And like getting into the stories on the podcast, but I feel like the average bear doesn't think it's that serious. I think we. Or at least I feel like it's so serious and I'm traumatized by it because of Reddit.
- [39:00]
B
I mean it feels just so basic to me. Why? And also why would you want that?
- [39:09]
A
I mean, I guess the attention. They want the attention. I guess they need attention, but that's just so people just need to get more hugs.
- [39:17]
B
That isn't the attention I would want.
- [39:19]
A
No.
- [39:20]
B
At all. No, because it just makes you look ridiculous. Like what are you conceited?
- [39:26]
A
Entitled?
- [39:28]
B
I mean I great look it honestly for me would be on like the top 10 common sense things top 10.
- [39:38]
A
Yeah.
- [39:39]
B
You know, you put clothes on before you go outside. I think most would think that's common sense.
- [39:47]
A
Oh, the word common sense is killing.
- [39:50]
B
Me lately, though, because it's not so common.
- [39:54]
A
It's not so common. And what some people think is common sense genuinely isn't common sense. I don't know. I don't know.
- [40:02]
B
I. I don't know what is happening. I don't know what the wedding trends are.
- [40:09]
A
This is.
- [40:09]
B
But no matter what, what it comes down to is you have two people that this day is about.
- [40:16]
A
Yeah.
- [40:17]
B
And no matter what, unless it's completely ridiculous what they say and what they want for their day goes.
- [40:27]
A
Yeah. Yeah. And that's the bottom line. I mean, the fact they had this dress code in writing is crazy to me. But, you know, I don't know. I've. I've talked about this at a live show. I don't know if we've talked about it on my pod. Maybe we have learned together at this point, but we might have talked it about. Talked it about on Matt and Amy's podcast, Midwest Married. But my mom wore a. I swear to God, you guys, it was yellow. My mom wore a yellow dress. But if you look back at their pictures. Yellow, dude, it looks. It looks white. So I'm like. And my mom would, like, I was there in the hotel, like, getting her ready, doing her hair after, like, I got, you know, ready with the bridesmaids and whatever. And she had a meltdown because the blue dress she had made her look fat, and she was just really unhappy with what she was wearing. And this yellow dress, whatever. But I think when it comes to people's weddings, you unfortunately might have to pick an option you don't feel as comfortable in. As long as it's not white.
- [41:47]
B
Do they not make that same one that looks really good in white in another color? Or is it because it's white makes it look good?
- [41:55]
A
I don't know.
- [41:55]
B
It's like, there are so many dresses out there. There are so many options out there for any piece of clothing I know. That are not white.
- [42:07]
A
It's hard, though. Like, I have this bachelorette trip. I'm leaving tomorrow, and in the group chat with all the girls, like, all of us are going through this, where we're like, oh, my God, this dress has a white base undertone. Right. Can't wear it. And I think a lot of us are very conscious of that. So I don't get why some people aren't, like, I even, like, in the thing, like, deliberate me And Lauren were talking because I thought I was gonna have white nails. And then I did these. I let the nail lady go crazy. I'm like, they're the wildest nails I've ever had.
- [42:39]
B
They're awesome.
- [42:39]
A
They're really cute. But I text in the group chat, and I was like, is it okay if I have white nails? Because I was like, some people might not be okay with their people having white nails. And, like, I'm not even a bridesmaid. I'm just a friend that got invited on the trip. But, like, I just want to make sure she's happy as the bride. And I just. I don't know, maybe other people having, like, common courtesy for others or consideration for others in terms of this wedding stuff, like, isn't it just slips our mind.
- [43:09]
B
Well, it just feels deliberate. I mean, it feels like the last story where. Yeah, no, you've told me. No message received, but I'm still showing up in this.
- [43:17]
A
That's true. Pop comment on this one. You just know a lot of tacky people. Sorry about that. Yeah, I love the burn. Tacky. You're so tacky. So tacky.
- [43:33]
B
I feel like I could have a little tack.
- [43:34]
A
Yeah, Tacked or tacky? No.
- [43:37]
B
Tacky. I'm a little tacky.
- [43:39]
A
I think we all have tacky moments. We all have goofy moments. Tacky. We all have crazy moments.
- [43:46]
B
I is tacky.
- [43:47]
A
You're a tacky.
- [43:48]
B
Embrace it. Yes.
- [43:49]
A
What's the definition of tacky? Tacky. Showing poor taste and quality. Oh, I don't think we're attacking quality.
- [43:57]
B
Poor taste in quality and quality and. Oh, it's a double. Ooh. Yeah.
- [44:01]
A
Yeah.
- [44:02]
B
That may not be me.
- [44:03]
A
You. Everyone has their moments. On to the next one. Another one of this week's partners is IQ Bar. IQ Bar's got it all. They've got your protein bars, they've got hydration sticks, coffee sticks. Everything you need to make it through your day. For me, as a chronically dehydrated person, these IQ mixes have been a lifesaver for me, especially on this bachelorette trip I was just on. I crushed a water with one of these sticks in it every night before bed, and I felt amazing in the morning. Couldn't even tell I'm 30. Start the new year off right with IQ bars, Brain and body boosting bars, hydrogen mixes, and mushroom coffees. Their ultimate sampler pack includes all three. And right now, IQ Bar is offering our podcast listeners an exclusive deal. 20% off all IQ bar products, plus get free shipping. These products are seriously just built different. They're free from gluten, dairy, soy GMOs and artificial sweeteners. The protein bar has more fiber, less sugar and carbs than alternatives. And right now, IQ Bar is offering our special podcast listeners 20% off all IQ Bar products, plus get free shipping. To get your 20% off, just text THT to 64,000. Text THT to 64,000. That's THT to 64,000. Message and data rates may apply. See Terms for details. Okay, this next one is pretty bad. Pretty bad.
- [45:34]
B
Yep.
- [45:35]
A
Pretty bad.
- [45:36]
B
Yep. Just go. Just get it over with. Let's go. Come on.
- [45:41]
A
It's coming from Aitah and it's titled Am I the Asshole for Canceling Our Wedding after my fiance said something disgusting about my brother? Hi Reddit. I'm in a tough spot at the moment. My fiance, let's call her Karen, 32, female, and me, 31 male, were about to get married in a bit more than six months. Everything started to go bad when we started to talk about the guest list. Karen had been saying for a while that she didn't want my little brother Chad, 26, male, at our wedding for a while, but she wouldn't give me a real explanation. I've told her many times my brother's presence was absolutely non negotiable though for some background. Chad and me have always been super close. Our parents weren't abusive or anything, but they weren't really that serious. As parents they would often drop us off at grandma's to go party and as soon as I was old enough to take care of both of us, they just left the house for me and Bro to handle. This is a trash way to treat your kids, but at least it allowed us to bond. Super, super, super close. I'm not exaggerating when I say he is my favorite person in the whole world. I would take a bullet for him. And I think the only people who could brag about being as loved as I love him are my future kids. So yeah, my baby brother's presence at my wedding is not something I'm willing to sacrifice at all now. A few days ago the topic of the guests came back on the table and Karen said one more time that she doesn't want Chad there. I was really getting pissed at this point and told her there wouldn't be a wedding at all if he isn't there so she better either drop it or leave. Then I asked why the hell doesn't she want him there in the first place? So that bitch tells me she doesn't want a f slur at her wedding and that her family doesn't approve of his lifestyle. I was like, did she really just say that? I knew she wasn't exactly the progressive type, but it never got that far. Like my brother is the sweetest, kindest, purest soul on earth. I couldn't believe she would hate him so much for something so trivial. And yeah, Chad is bi. He came out to me when he was 20 and he looked so damn scared. I told him I loved him no matter what, of course. And I promised myself I wouldn't let anyone else make him feel that scared or hurt ever again. And I couldn't even imagine that woman in the same room as him after what she just said. I don't know. Protective? Big bro Instincts kicked in and I told her we're done. Asked for the ring back, she reluctantly gave it back before telling her she had 10 minutes to pack her things and get the fuck out of my house before I called the cops. Obviously I canceled everything and told everyone who would ask the exact reason why Karen and I were done. Sweet Chad obviously heard of it and saw the proportion this drama was gaining. He even told me it's not a big deal if he's not there, he just wants me to be happy. I told him my big day is meant to be the happiest in my life and it wouldn't fucking be without him there. And I certainly can't be happy with someone like Karen given who she really is. Well now she's back to her parents house and some of our mutual friends have really distanced themselves from her. I got a lot of texts from her family, all more hateful than the previous one, and ended up blocking all of them. Karen on the other hand hasn't been really aggressive or anything, just alternating between guilt tripping and cries saying how I ruined her life. News spreads like wildfire apparently. And that she can't believe I ruined our four years relationship over a word. But not once, not once has she apologized for what she told about Chad. So I know even more. I don't want anything to do with her anymore. So yeah, maybe I'm the asshole, but I don't know. I don't think so. And honestly I think she deserves every part of the backlash she's getting. She has to face the consequences of her hatred and it's great her true self has been revealed to the world in my opinion. Who even says that in Seattle anyways? Lol.
- [50:12]
B
Well you are definitely not the asshole. I can't even believe that's a question. But no, it wasn't over a word. Thank God this person revealed who they truly are before we got any further. That's my first thought. When any of these stories happen, thank God it happened now and not a second later. It has nothing. This whole story has nothing to do with Chad. Nothing. This whole story has everything to do with someone revealing them their true self to you and doing it in a way where it's irrefutable. Okay, you said one sentence, you claim one word, and based off of that, I can paint a whole picture. It is. I mean, it made it so clear. It's not a. Well, I could be, you know, manipulated into thinking that blah, blah, blah, there's no talking away out of this. It makes it so clear and obvious. And I'm just glad it happened now. Does like, yes, we can talk about how terrible it all is, but for OP this is the best thing that could have happened.
- [51:38]
A
Well, and so here's the thing, right? If they would have just eloped, OP probably wouldn't have found out. They're four years into a relationship and this has not come out.
- [51:51]
B
Isn't that crazy?
- [51:53]
A
How has she interacted with Chad the whole four years?
- [51:57]
B
I don't know. It feels like it just came out of nowhere. It feels like something happened where Karen has changed.
- [52:08]
A
So literally, if they would have just eloped, this would have been swept under the rug and he would have no idea.
- [52:16]
B
Oh, yeah, this goes. This is a. On the scoreboard. This goes in the marriage category.
- [52:20]
A
Marriage category. And I think what's really interesting, and there's a movie with Kate Hudson and Anne Hathaway, Bride wars, bridal wars. And there is a quote in there that another actor reads, and it was like something about, like, sometimes weddings bring good couples closer together and sometimes they tear the bad couples that probably shouldn't be together apart.
- [52:51]
B
Yeah.
- [52:52]
A
And I think that is something that's really interesting because it's like, it's a high stress situation. You have to make a lot of compromises.
- [52:58]
B
Yes, it's one of the big three.
- [53:00]
A
And so it is kind of one of those interesting things where it's like eloping is obviously kind of an easy way out. It's more affordable, less stress, less compromising. But weddings do highlight flaws in a sense. Like maybe it's just recently, but you and TikTok sharing information. But like, I've seen a lot of weddings fall apart really close.
- [53:24]
B
So I've had a revelation throughout this story here.
- [53:28]
A
Are you on Team Wedding now?
- [53:30]
B
Well, here, maybe this Will answer that question.
- [53:33]
A
Okay. Okay.
- [53:34]
B
Not a bad strategy to lead with. All right, we're going to get married. We're going to have a big wedding. Well, small, whatever, whatever size wedding, doesn't matter. We're going to get married, we're going to have the ceremony, do the reception, we're going to do the whole thing. Everyone's going to be there, whatever. Because it exposes so much, not only between the couple themselves, but between the girlfriend of your brother, of a different family member, of your aunts. Yeah, it exposes so much. Although those came out, really, on the wedding day. So I'm thinking, what if you. And it reminds me of when it's fourth down and the quarterback goes out and they try to go and they try to get the team to jump.
- [54:21]
A
Oh, yeah.
- [54:22]
B
Even though they. They have.
- [54:23]
A
Going forward on fourth down, they have.
- [54:24]
B
No intention of ever actually spiking the ball. There's.
- [54:28]
A
They want that automatic first down by a penalty.
- [54:31]
B
There's no intention of even starting that play ever. It's just to try and get them trickery. So why don't we go down the path of let's get married. We're. We're. God damn it, we're getting married, we're having a big wedding, and then all of a sudden, you know what? We changed our minds. We're actually going to save our money in elope. But we've exposed all the craziness.
- [54:52]
A
I know, but think about how mad people would be. Like, it's about the couple.
- [54:57]
B
No, it's about the couple. It's what the couple wants.
- [55:00]
A
I know.
- [55:02]
B
So that's a win.
- [55:03]
A
That's a win for the hybrid flights.
- [55:05]
B
We have weddings, we have eloping in the middle. It's a hybrid. Like a hybrid vehicle. Yeah.
- [55:09]
A
The trickery. The tricky.
- [55:10]
B
You can use some gas, but you can also use some electric.
- [55:13]
A
Yeah, yeah.
- [55:14]
B
The. Probably none of that made any sense, but.
- [55:17]
A
No, I get it. Obviously. I think it's very clear that OP here is not the asshole. Anyone that's going to use that type of language should not be in your life when you have a brother in general. But, like, especially so when you have a brother who identifies as a part of the LGBTQ+ community. This is like, another theme I'm kind of working on, and it's something that keeps coming up in my head today. But it's. It's. Have we lost the plot? Because there's been a lot of, like, anti LGBTQ plus messaging out there. Attacking of trans people, which trans people account for, like, the Most minuscule percent of our population. And it's like we're focusing so much energy on attacking them. Like let people live their lives. Like we're focusing on, you know, attacking diversity when we should be embracing it. Because we all are so different and beautiful and it's, it just feels like we're fighting against each other when we, when we shouldn't be. Like it, it just feels like people have lost the plot. And it's like with this, like, did you love this guy? Did you love him? Because if you love him, you kind of love all of him and who he loves and you know, like, unless the family's toxic. But like did you love him or did you just want a wedding and you wanted something cool for optics? Because you're giving a crazy person. That is just about the optics.
- [56:56]
B
Yes. Well, at the core of it, it's truly loving someone and respecting just people for who they are. We're all just out here trying to figure out what this is. We're all as like humans, we call ourselves. Walking around on this planet in the middle of nowhere.
- [57:15]
A
Dude, we're floating on a rock we don't know in like the middle of like 20 billion other galaxies.
- [57:20]
B
Our biggest enemy is probably out there somewhere.
- [57:22]
A
Oh my God.
- [57:23]
B
It's not ourselves.
- [57:24]
A
No, it's an alien for sure.
- [57:25]
B
And so it's just like people are so small minded when it's just like look up and realize, well, you know.
- [57:34]
A
You need a big ass telescope.
- [57:36]
B
Yeah. But at the core of it, it's just really love people for who they are. Especially if they're close, you know, they're. What? What Opie said. They're your partner's favorite person. They grew up, they're, they're like. It's almost inconceivable to say no, they're not going to. I don't want them at our wedding. Like, are you even connected as a team? Because I mean, it could be anything. Could be race, religion, gender. I mean anything you can name that people attack about each other.
- [58:11]
A
Oh my God.
- [58:12]
B
At the core of it, it's really about just respect who people are and let them live their lives. And then also do, I guess if you're going to get married, do you really love your partner?
- [58:26]
A
Yeah.
- [58:26]
B
Because your partner is not just themselves. Your partner is their circumstance. It's their family. It's where they come from. It's their friends. Your partner is a whole group. It's not just them. You don't marry well. You, you physically marry one person, but you're Entering a life not in, not in with just them, but with a whole set.
- [58:49]
A
Typically you get a village. And so it's like the village is what makes them them.
- [58:54]
B
Right. And if you have problems with that village, it's.
- [58:59]
A
You really gotta analyze. You really gotta analyze. Like some people have a bad village with in laws and they're still willing to look past it and marry their partner because they love them. Some people.
- [59:10]
B
Yeah.
- [59:11]
A
Like I know people that will not seriously consider someone if the in laws suck. They've been four months in, met the in laws and dipped out because they were terrible.
- [59:22]
B
Yeah.
- [59:23]
A
Like teach their own. But this, this is not a teacher.
- [59:28]
B
It's a different category. Yeah. And it's just like let people live.
- [59:32]
A
Let people live. Bottom line, let people live. And this is crazy.
- [59:37]
B
It's harder to stay in your land. It's harder to always be fighting and causing all this shit.
- [59:43]
A
I don't, I don't have enough time in my life right now. I don't even talk to like as many family and friends as I want. How do people find the time? Genuinely, how do people find the time? Top comment on this one. Not the asshole. Her showing you she didn't want him at the wedding was just the start of her trying to make you choose between him or her. I highly doubt she would have allowed him at your house if you got married. And can you imagine what she would do if y'all had kids? Make sure your brother couldn't get near them. And probably kick them out if they were gay.
- [60:15]
B
True.
- [60:16]
A
Yeah. Op replies to that? Hadn't thought about it. Damn. Yeah, I dodged a nuke right there.
- [60:23]
B
100. That's another big piece to all these is going into marriage. You have to consider the future. Because if you guys want kids, well now you really got to look at the bigger picture about who the who's in these villages because that plays a big role. As soon as kids come, it's a little late to start having those battles. And if you do, then you're looking at a really complicated situation.
- [60:50]
A
I know. Oh, okay.
- [60:54]
B
So eloping still on the table. But don't do it. Just. Hey, you know what? I know we met three weeks ago, but I think we go over here and we get a same day marriage real quick.
- [61:05]
A
Like no, honestly, here's the thing. Like I would actually, I would like elope privately. But now I don't like any of the other dates. Like if we eloped and then had a wedding ceremony in September, the date we're thinking, cool. But like I don't like any of.
- [61:23]
B
The dates between and just push another year. It's already been a couple. What's one more? Why where have I adopted this accent all of a sudden?
- [61:31]
A
I don't know little doggy, but we gotta move along to the next one here. Another one of this week's partners is Quints. We all want a little luxury and if we're spending our hard earned money, we want quality. That is where Quince comes in. Quince is going to be your go to for luxury essentials at affordable prices. Those staple pieces for your wardrobe that you have for years to come and can mix and match with so many different things that hold up wash after wash after wash and make you look good and most importantly feel good. Quince has a wide range of high quality items at prices within reach. They have washable silk tops, dresses, organic cotton sweaters and 14 karat gold jewelry. And the best part about all of Quince's items? They are priced 50 to 80% less than similar brands. You've heard me talk about Justin's jacket story. We looked in person everywhere and the jacket he got from Quint was so much better and way cheaper. Give yourself the luxury you deserve with quint. Go to quint.comthd for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. That's Q U I N C E.comtht to get free shipping and 365 day returns. Quince.com/tht okay this next one last one it is coming from Am I the Asshole? Titled Am I the Asshole for kicking my mother out of my wedding after she brought my ex as her plus one.
- [63:04]
B
Nice move.
- [63:06]
A
I male 30 started seeing June, female 29 about three years ago. My mother has never really liked June for a couple of reasons, the main one being the fact that June didn't let my mom push her around. She kept firm boundaries which I really admired and she even helped me to do the same. My mom hated this, calling June controlling and wishing I hadn't broke up with my priority previous girlfriend Margot who my mom loved. I was with Margot for five years and it was horrible. Margot was very controlling and manipulative and always guilted me into things I wasn't comfortable with, but thanks to support from friends and my sister, I was able to leave her. It was hard but I had help and my life has improved since. My mom was very upset with this but relationships didn't last so she eventually let it go until I started dating June about a year later. When June and I announced our engagement. My mom didn't freak out, which was weird considering my mom hates June. She was very calm, but I just took it as she was finally accepting this and so I didn't think much of it. Everything was fine and smooth up until the wedding. I gave both of my parents plus ones to the wedding since they both remarried after I graduated college so I'm not close to their spouses, but gave them the option of inviting them. We had a very small ceremony, just immediate family and close friends. After the ceremony, me and June went to take pictures and then met back with everyone we invited to the reception which was pretty big. When we got there, my sister and June's best friend maid of honor ran up to us in a panic. Before they even said anything, I spotted it. My mom was at the table with my dad, my dad's wife and Margo. I wanted to freak, but June kept me calm. I walked over, pulled them both aside and simply told them to leave. My mom tried to explain that Margo and I are soul mates and June is just in the way of true love, but I wasn't hearing it. I didn't care. Just got my best friends to escort them out and I returned to the party where luckily after a few moments I was able to relax and enjoy it. I really didn't think this would all turn into something huge, but June and I just got back from our honeymoon where we didn't have our phones, and seeing mine, I saw hundreds of texts from multiple family members. They all think I was an asshole for kicking my mom out of her only son's wedding. For the record, she was there for the ceremony but apparently was really upset she was kicked from the reception. Here's a summary of my family's thoughts. Some think I could have just ignored Margot and didn't have to freak out. A few others, including my dad, think I should have just kicked Margot out and let my mom stay. But after that stunt my mom pulled, I didn't want either of them there. I'm starting to second guess myself since everyone is really mad. June and my sister are on my side, but I fear my dad may be right and I should have just let my mom stay and made Margot leave. So I've come to Reddit. Am I the asshole? No, not the asshole.
- [66:41]
B
You already had your ceremony, she was there for your wedding.
- [66:44]
A
It's fine she pulled this stunt. Okay? But she didn't just invite Margot. She didn't just stop there. She went so far as to then at this reception after op is already Married to say, hey, sonny boy. You just up. This is your soulmate. Actually, it's like.
- [67:10]
B
It's like it's out of a movie.
- [67:12]
A
What did she want him to do.
- [67:15]
B
Say, oh, you're right.
- [67:16]
A
You're right, mom.
- [67:17]
B
Annulment. Annulment.
- [67:19]
A
Let me go tell June real quick. Hey, hey, June. It's off, babe.
- [67:24]
B
Does anyone have an annulment document here that I can fill out?
- [67:28]
A
Oh, that wedding license that everyone signed. Rip that up in the background.
- [67:32]
B
Where's the shredder or the fire? Let's burn it.
- [67:35]
A
What did she think would come of this? And why the wedding day when it's kind of too late?
- [67:41]
B
Last stand.
- [67:42]
A
She was being crazy calculated with that, like, like deviously calm, like after the engagement where, like, he even thought, she's just getting used to it. She's coming around.
- [67:55]
B
People like that scare the out of me.
- [67:56]
A
This is really wild. Really wild. Oh, my God. If my mom showed up to our wedding with an ex, I would push her in Lake Superior.
- [68:09]
B
I mean, at that point, I don't even know if we define it as a boundary. We start defining it as like a, you know, 30 mile thick concrete wall. Not long, thick, thick.
- [68:24]
A
Yeah, thick, thick, thick, thick. And I get like. I always. I'm like trying to think, like, with all these wedding stories, why does it seem that weddings brings out more flying monkeys than usual?
- [68:37]
B
Weddings are the culmination of just years and years and years and honestly, generations of certain issues or certain blah, blah or this or that. It all comes to a head with a wedding because, yeah, these people, right. If you think about holiday gatherings or birthdays, you often find as you get older, you start having to go to multiple different ones because people split up or there's drama or there's whatever.
- [69:11]
A
Yeah.
- [69:11]
B
But guess what? That's not possible on a wedding day. Everyone is there, has to come together to one event. They cannot avoid each other anymore. And it's good to put in place, like, hey, maybe have wedding security, have your coordinator involved.
- [69:28]
A
Security is. Is crucial. All the stories have demonstrated that you.
- [69:32]
B
Can keep certain people separate. Definitely use a seating chart. I don't know where that whole thing came from.
- [69:40]
A
Isn't that weird?
- [69:40]
B
But you make it very calculated so that you can pull this day off and hope, just have a little bit of hope that people will realize what they are there for and who they are there for.
- [69:55]
A
Well, I'm almost wondering if people's families, and especially if they're paying, but that they feel entitled to weddings. I've raised this person I've supported them. This wedding is just as much for me. I want a party. Like, I wonder if that's a thought process behind some of these people. I know graduations can kind of get that way, but I don't know. I don't know either.
- [70:26]
B
It's. It's very often forgotten what weddings are about and who they are for.
- [70:34]
A
Like, that even. That's kind of contentious because there's a lot of hot takes that say, okay, the wedding is just about the bride and the groom. But then there's some people that say, no. A wedding, realistically, is also for your guests. You need to entertain your guests.
- [70:50]
B
You're throwing a party.
- [70:51]
A
You're throwing a party. So it's not just your day. Like, you have to provide sustenance as well, Quality.
- [71:00]
B
Here's the thing. I think weddings overall, in my experience, are a huge. I think gamble's the wrong word, but it's a huge risk, reward. Okay. A wedding can be. And I've heard people audibly say, this can be the best day of your life.
- [71:20]
A
For a lot of people, it is, right?
- [71:22]
B
It can be. It's possible. But at the risk of all of these dynamics, everything you're bringing in and that comes together for that day is, you know, I think, unfortunately for the vast majority, risky in the sense that not like, oh, the flowers weren't perfect or the buns didn't show up on time, but more for the risk of things going wrong between people and dynamics and that ruining your day. I think that's so present and so common that, yeah, if you want a wedding 100, go for it. And I hope at the end of the day, you're saying, that was the best day of my life. But you got to understand there are certain risk, and you got to do everything you can to mitigate. Like, we were just talking about the security or having the wedding coordinator involved to say, hey, if this girl shows up in the white dress, she can't come in. Like, those were very smart, calculated moves. So that's definitely part of the process.
- [72:30]
A
I mean, even us, I think that's been, like, a big thing for us is like, we've got a lot of people on both sides and bringing everyone together. And, like, we have even worried about that, where we're like, what drama are we gonna encounter on our day? Is it worth it? Having a wedding and having all these people in the same room? My brother, when he and his wife got married, we all have talked about this. Like, we have a very crazy family dynamic. Like, me and my, like, my brothers, at least we all have the same mom, different dads. And then my. I have a little sister who. We have the same dad, but different moms. And at my brother's wedding, my dad, like, our dad Jerry, who kind of like, took us all on, gave a speech. And Matt's bio dad was, like, ready to get up and, like, fight him. And then my Uncle Chuck had to, like, step in. It was. There was drama. Like, even the best days, the most planned days, it's like you get a little alcohol in people, and some people can't handle it. And one thing triggers the next, and you have a domino of emotions, run high emotions. And so, you know, getting back to this one one. Weddings are tough, right? They're tough. A lot of people, a lot of dynamics, history, context, whatever. With this one, I think this was obviously not the asshole, but this was also the safest decision because you don't know what Margot is capable of. Obviously, she's got to go. But you also don't know what your mom is capable of because of the fact that she thought it was a good idea to bring Margot as her plus one.
- [74:02]
B
Yeah.
- [74:02]
A
What else? Even if you kick Margo out and let her stay, what else is she gonna do to ruin that night?
- [74:08]
B
Exactly. Right? At that point, she's shown her intentions. She does not believe in this. She's clearly trying to sabotage.
- [74:17]
A
Yeah.
- [74:17]
B
And, you know, I never really, as we were going through this, thought of Margo as a threat. No, I pictured just some, you know. Yeah, she was controlling. She had all these things.
- [74:27]
A
Margot demonstrated how cuckoo she is because she showed up to their wedding. Margot.
- [74:33]
B
Exactly.
- [74:34]
A
So Margot Scott screws loose, too.
- [74:36]
B
It's the best move, because then you can guarantee. And it happened, you can guarantee that you'll go forward without worry, without stress, and enjoy the rest of your wedding day. Yeah, it was the best move.
- [74:50]
A
I know. So with this one, eloping would have been easier, but I do think their wedding sounds like it was great. And they did it really cool, where, like, the ceremony was small and intimate, and then the reception was the rager, which I, I, I like that idea. But I, you know, obviously if they would have eloped, they would have avoided it. But, hey, you learned you can't trust your mom and you set boundaries, and now you move forward.
- [75:18]
B
From what I've experienced, I think people are either in one or two categories. Like, oh, yeah, we're, we're just eloping. That's just who we are. Then you have others that are like, nope, we're 100% doing the full wedding. And then maybe there's some like us on the fence, but it's really. Choose your own adventure and just deal with what comes. But don't get pushed into one of those categories because of other people. Make it the choice that you want. But, man, like, with this last one, crazy thing to go through, but a hell of a story to tell the rest of your life. Guess what happened at our wedding? And you can say my mom showed up with my ex and said this. Like, you can't make that up. Like, you can tell. That's what I think about some of the worst things you can experience in life is the stories you can tell.
- [76:12]
A
Dude. Well, and we're. I've talked about this so much. We're rewatching how I met your mother and I literally last night. Like, I just was like, Ted is so crazy for telling this story. One Ted's annoying, but you have to realize, like, he's telling this story from his point of view, which is like the best point of view. Can you imagine how bad it would be if it's not from his point of view? Ted's goofy. But when you said telling your kids or someone this story someday, all I could think about is Ted. I'm like, yeah, yeah, don't be a Ted. Don't be a Ted. Have you heard that new song that someone made on Tick Tock about Ted?
- [76:49]
B
No.
- [76:49]
A
Oh, my God, it's so funny. It was like I went on a date and she said I reminded her of Ted Mosby.
- [76:56]
B
Is. Is how I met your mother like, in the forefront again? Is it like in the prime time for some reason?
- [77:03]
A
And honestly, maybe it's just my phone being creepy, but I feel like a lot of people are re watching it right now.
- [77:07]
B
Okay. Yeah, I've never seen it, and I'm into it now. It's funny and it's my Minnesota people.
- [77:12]
A
I think it's really interesting. You can tell we have made progress as a society when you watch old shows like this, because some of the shit they say on this show or even like, we're re watching Impractical Jokers.
- [77:30]
B
Yeah.
- [77:31]
A
Some of the stuff they do on that show, I don't think it would fly nowadays.
- [77:36]
B
It was less than 10 years ago.
- [77:37]
A
I know. And there was. God, there was an actor who came out and he even said this about a bunch of movies he did. He goes, we wouldn't be able to make those movies now. So, you know, there's hope. There's hope. We got this Guys, we got this. The pendulum shall swing it's always swinging it's always swinging do your chain hang low do we wobble through the flow? No. Okay, moving along, another one of this week's partners is Bumble. Are you ready to date your way? No more following other people's rules. I can't reply to them too soon. Do they like me? Am I being funny enough? The best way to date is your way. By being the most you. By sharing those fun quirks about yourself. Like if you're a horse girl or you love smutty novels or maybe you want to use some of Bumble's features to find someone you can go salsa dancing with. Yeah. Bumble actually lets matches know from the get go what you're into, what you're looking for. It even spotlights what you have in common with potential matches as you're looking at their profile, making it easier and quicker to find the people who like what you like. You're going to know if you can bond over Taylor Swift, sports or travel goals pretty quickly. I was just on a Bachelorette trip with 12 girls and more than half of them, including myself, met their partner, their husband on a dating app and by showing exactly who they are and by dating their way. So give it a try yourself. Date your way on Bumble. This next one is coming from our very own Too Hot Takes subreddit. It is titled My brother in law confessed feelings for me after I went wedding dress shopping with his fiance. This just happened today and I'm using a throwaway because I promote my small business on my main and I want to be anonymous with this. Okay, I'm pretty overwhelmed so I'll start with some background. I have been with my husband for five years. We've been married for two since early on in our relationship. I've been great friends with his older brother partially because I always wanted one. When he started dating a girl about two years ago, I went out of my way to make sure she knew she had a friend in me if she wanted. Since we're the only girls in the family. We're great friends now and since they got engaged three months ago, I have been helping with wedding planning and was asked to be a bridesmaid. We went dress shopping today and had a blast. We went to brunch, had some mimosas, found the dress and went back to their house to celebrate. I ended up alone in the kitchen with my brother in law a bit after being there and he said he just had to tell me something before it kept Eating at him. I was a little buzzed and confused, but not at all expecting him to say what he did. Quote, I think I've had feelings for you for a few years, and I've never been able to tell you. And I just needed to know if you ever felt the same. I completely froze and just shook my head. I told him that no, I have never thought about him in any way other than a friend and a brother, and I never would. Before he said anything else, I bolted back to his fiance and the other girls there and very discreetly told her I got my period and wasn't feeling well and would have someone come and get me and then come by soon for some more wedding planning. She thought nothing of it, and I called my best friend to come get me. She dropped me off at home. My husband is working right now, and there is no question that I'm going to tell him as soon as he gets home, but I just have no idea where to go from there. Do I tell his fiance? Do I make him tell her? Do I leave it? Do I have my husband talk to him? Has anyone ever had something like this happen or have any advice? Anything is appreciated.
- [81:40]
B
I'm sitting here, like, ready to hear the advice. I don't, I don't. I, I.
- [81:48]
A
I think if this were me, I think you tell your husband and you kind of go from there. He knows his brother best. You have the conversation. I mean, you hope their relationship is good, they have a lot of trust and they can communicate well. But, like, I think really, like, you don't know how to proceed until you start there. I think the fiance definitely deserves to know, but I think you kind of let your husband guide the reaction because it is his brother. Unless his way to handle it is never saying anything, because I don't think that's necessarily right.
- [82:36]
B
Well, this is, this is certainly not the, you know, just tell them, confess your feelings type of situation we usually talk about on these shows. And again, it, it's the wedding. It's the, it's the. Which is so interesting because it's always perceived as, like, oh, you're gonna lock them down. Like, once you're married, you're locked in forever, which is totally just not the reality these days. It, you know, it, it's, it's not, it's, it's not as easy as, like, a breakup, but it's, it's, it's.
- [83:18]
A
No, no one's truly locked in.
- [83:21]
B
Right. But yeah, it's just interesting how that sense of commitment brings out these, like, these Last ditch. You know, it forces people to really do something that they never thought they would or confess things that they never. So.
- [83:39]
A
Well, that's what's interesting because it's like he engaged. He got engaged a couple months ago. But like if you're in love with your brother's wife, why are you proposing?
- [83:50]
B
Because I think they think it's never going to ever be a reality.
- [83:54]
A
So just shoot the shot.
- [83:55]
B
And then something about, you know, we talk about ring clarity and that's a big one.
- [84:01]
A
Yeah, it.
- [84:02]
B
Something about it pushes them to the limit where they get. They almost ignore intuition and they just do. They don't even think the problem with this. And it just is so sad for her because, you know, we started this with. I've always wanted an older brother. I've always like been envious of people with that and I thought I'd finally found that and I had this, this awesome friend and then he meets someone amazing and we become very close. Like it's the perfect. It's like the. Just the dream everyone hopes for.
- [84:38]
A
Literally the dream to have a good relationship with your brother in law and then he picks a great girl, falls in love with like a really good one and you become really good friends to the point you get asked to be a bridesmaid. That's the dream.
- [84:51]
B
Well, and it could be like if it had stayed that dynamic, like if he didn't have these feelings. We're looking at such a fun Runway for life. I know, but now the, the shitty thing about it is the dynamic is changed forever.
- [85:05]
A
Well, and even if she chooses to stay with brother in law, the trust, how is she going to trust him to be in a room with just sister in law? I mean moving forward for her, that would be really, really tough. But again, it's something she needed to know. It's something that's gotta be worked through one way or another. And I don't think it would have come out if they would have just eloped. Well, eventually, maybe down the road after marriage. Maybe after marriage, maybe. But then, then it feels even worse because sister in law, that woman did not. No. Before marrying him, she went into it thinking everything was perfect and then poof, it can all disappear.
- [86:02]
B
That's why you always, you know, even if you're sneaky about it, just lean towards the wedding and if you really want to elope, then you just u turn right at the end. But I don't know, tell me what the people said.
- [86:13]
A
Oh, the people. Top comment. Talk to your husband first because what if you Tell her. And he tries to flip it saying, you said those things.
- [86:21]
B
Oh yeah.
- [86:24]
A
OP replies, My comfort in this thought is that I believe my husband and I have a really strong and trusting relationship and I don't think he would even believe that. Ever believe that. Sorry. As soon as he gets home, I will tell him I'm just not going to do the we need to talk about something when you get home. Because I know that would put a pit in his stomach and I don't want to do that to him.
- [86:46]
B
Anybody's stomach. Don't ever get. No. Come on.
- [86:50]
A
No. Well, we have an update. Good, good. Which I'm so sorry Op. It looks like OP tried to like post the update on this post or something and or like another post in the sub and it got taken down which our auto mod. Like Reddit's made a lot of changes on their back end. Like Wayback Machine doesn't work rare. Like a lot has changed. I barely know how to use Reddit nowadays to be honest, you guys. Like I, I literally barely know how to use Reddit so a lot of stuff has been taken down when it shouldn't. If you have an update for me, please post it on your account. But if you're ever in a position trying to post something or whatever, like reach out to the mod team on the to take subreddit and we can try to help you because sometimes the auto mod.
- [87:41]
B
So there's no update. What? What do you mean?
- [87:43]
A
Oh no, I have the update.
- [87:44]
B
Oh.
- [87:45]
A
But I'm just saying like as a psa, just reach out to us. Like we want to make sure your. Your posts get up there but you're.
- [87:53]
B
Pulling a bait and switch auto mod.
- [87:55]
A
Auto mod. Sometimes, you know, I don't. It just, it just be doing us all dirty and be nice to our moderators on the to take sub. They all do the moderating out of the kindness of their heart. Moderators on Reddit don't get paid. I'm personally reach out to all of them and do something and Reddit's trying to start programs, you know, to incentivize subs. But still no payment from Reddit for moderators. So be nice to them, okay. You know, they're just, they're trying to do their best. Okay, I'm sorry. Tangent update. Thanks to everyone who helped me calm my panicked mind after my original post. I didn't want to tell my husband we need to talk while he was at work and make him panic. So having some reassurance from here was really helpful. I also Noticed a lot of people asking for an update. So here's one that even I was shocked by as I lived it. It's not exactly the earth shattering blow up most people thought it would be. My husband came home and he immediately knew I had something on my mind. I explained the whole thing and he was livid at his brother. Thankfully he gave me a hug and I broke down crying from the stress. He assured me I did everything right and it wasn't my fault. After that he went to call his brother and tell him that he knew what happened and wanted to talk to him one on one. Well, it turns out that his brother and fiance were already on their way to our house to talk about it.
- [89:30]
B
Wow.
- [89:31]
A
As soon as the other girls left, not long after me, my brother in law confessed everything to her. First she slapped him deserved. But after they talked and he promised her that his feelings for her were genuine, she said that he needed to apologize to me and his brother and that they could go from there. So they came over and he and my husband went and talked while I talked with his fiance. We both cried and talked for about an hour. I promised her I never had any feelings for him and had no idea he had any for me. Apparently she had caught him gazing at me on a family vacation once and thought maybe he had some attraction to me. So while this sucked, she felt some relief that she wasn't crazy for thinking it. Yeah, he admitted she was right and thinks his feelings at one point were out of jealousy that his younger brother was further in life than him and he attributed to that to me in some way. This was new to him as the older brother and they really hadn't compared to each other much growing up just because they had vastly different paths. It was a little apples to oranges, but now there was some perceived competition on a similar playing field. The feelings had faded, but when she came home saying she found a dress, he felt an urge to come clean and he wished he had said it differently or worked through it with some help before to actually understand what he was feeling before making this whole mess. I don't know about all that, but I guess I could understand it with a more clear head. I mean, if the otopus complex can be a thing, then I can see him having some complex feelings that manifested as attraction but didn't affect his love for his fiance. This all happened in one night and he was visibly distressed over it, so I find it hard to believe he could weave a whole story like that. I'm inclined to believe him once My husband and his brother came back into the living room. My brother in law looked like a puppy who just got in trouble. Also looked a little roughed up, but I didn't question it. We all talked and he apologized to me for putting me in this position. Where it landed, their wedding is on hold privately while they figure out next steps. Thankfully there was nothing booked and no dates sent out. We had gone wedding dress shopping just to get an idea and it was just luck that she fell in love with a dress. They're going to go to couples therapy to decide if and how they can move past this. There is clear love between these two. Things will be tense, but I think he feels genuine remorse. And my potential sister in law says she she holds no ill will against me and if they move forward, she would still love to have me as a bridesmaid if I'm willing. Why does that make me emotional? My husband and his brother have some serious work to do on their relationship. And my friendship with my brother in law will never be the same again. But we'll see what happens from here. We've also agreed to keep this between the four of us. But they will be honest that they're doing some premarital counseling before setting dates or full on planning. I saw a lot of comments telling me to keep my mouth shut and no harm was done. What? While I guess I can see your point, I just couldn't imagine keeping something like this from my husband. Especially if it came out later and he found out I withheld it. Trust is huge in our partnership and even just a mission feels like a betrayal of that. Sure, I knew this could blow up if I let it out. But it would be my brother in law's fault, not mine. He had all control over telling me what he did. Thanks to everyone who helped me through this scary processing time alone.
- [93:21]
B
That's what I was just gonna say. It is all on him. And you're just out there doing everything right and this happens to you. How are like, how are you gonna become the one that's like blew it all up? Why is that a trend through this whole episode? Oh well, you should have just let your mom and your ex hang out at your wedding because keep the peace. That's been the trend is all these stories is no just whatever you're feeling, shove it deep down inside barrier and you go along with it to keep the peace. What are you talking about?
- [94:02]
A
Wait, why? And it's so interesting, right? Because like I don't know, I feel like there's times in life where the piece doesn't need to be kept, sometimes the boat needs to be rocked.
- [94:12]
B
That's the only way anything ever changes.
- [94:15]
A
I don't know. It's. I feel like she did everything right. Like, I can't imagine ever hiding something from you. And it's like, if she would have, it's dangerous, too. And if she would have, it could have seriously hurt their marriage, their whole relationship, the foundation. Like, if you don't have trust and respect for your partner because that's also. It would be disrespectful not to tell him.
- [94:38]
B
Yeah.
- [94:39]
A
Then I don't think you have much.
- [94:40]
B
No, it's the classic. You knew.
- [94:43]
A
Yeah.
- [94:44]
B
And you didn't tell me.
- [94:45]
A
Oh, and that just pit. No one wants to be the last person to find something out, especially between.
- [94:52]
B
You and your partner, that undermines the definition of partner. You know, it gets interesting when you have family and friends and your partner and. And all these dynamics, but your truest loyalty really should lie between you and your partner. That's whose back you should have if it. If everything falls apart.
- [95:17]
A
Yeah.
- [95:17]
B
Otherwise, what's the point? You know? I mean, you live your own life. You still have. You have your own lives and you're better together, but if you don't have each other's back, then what do you have?
- [95:33]
A
Yeah.
- [95:35]
B
Interesting update. I mean, definitely not what I was expecting, especially with them being on their way there.
- [95:42]
A
Oh, my God. I know.
- [95:43]
B
Pretty crazy.
- [95:44]
A
I do give him.
- [95:45]
B
Yes. Credit, a little bit of respect for.
- [95:48]
A
That for telling me.
- [95:49]
B
Most people would not.
- [95:51]
A
And maybe it was, you know, some people would be like, oh, it was just to save his ass because he knew OP would tell husband, but he didn't necessarily know how husband would handle it. Husband could have been like, hey, we're not going to address it. Like, he still made the choice. Before knowing I'm Will, I want to hope. I want to believe that he did the right thing for no ulterior motives. Like, he told her because, you know, he felt bad. And I mean, I think there are some people that get married and they're like, oh, God, what if. What could have been with this other person? And it's not necessarily right, but it's better that those feelings or questions or thoughts come out before a wedding. Right.
- [96:37]
B
Otherwise they'll perpetuate for 10 years down the line until they ruin your marriage.
- [96:42]
A
Exactly. And, like, this is not the way this went down. Like, I, you know, it's not great, but, like, it is what it is. Right. And maybe these two people Are happier and better for it. But I went on a friend's birthday trip a couple years ago. One of the girls on the trip, you know, at the club, met a guy she really liked. Turns out he was on a bachelor trip. He was the groom. And him and his fiance at the time had agreed. They got free passes on their trips. And meeting this friend, this girl I know, like, he was just like, fuck, I'm only getting married because I have to. And he went back and called off the wedding. His family was absolutely devastated. They'd been, you know, together forever. But at the end of the day, as.
- [97:34]
B
As, like, have to. As in, like, well, this is the next step. This is what people do. This is.
- [97:39]
A
Yeah. Because it's not like their family.
- [97:41]
B
We're getting married.
- [97:42]
A
No. And their family was really tied. They had dated forever. So it felt like the obligatory. Obligatory whatever, next steps.
- [97:49]
B
Yeah.
- [97:50]
A
And they, he felt that way. And then when they broke up, like, I think it came out, she felt that way. I don't. I don't remember. I don't want to. I don't want to speculate.
- [97:56]
B
I mean, maybe the hall pass was the first sign.
- [97:58]
A
Maybe. But like, I mean, it was bad. When she went up there and met the family for the first time. They screamed at her, called her a. Like it wasn't good.
- [98:05]
B
Imagine coin. Imagine going to meet the family wasn't.
- [98:08]
A
Wasn't good because they, they loved her. Like, they, they saw her grow up. But at the end of the day, was that really bad? Yeah. Would I recommend people find out they don't want to marry someone that way? No. But she didn't deserve to be with someone who didn't truly love her and likely would have cheated down the line.
- [98:28]
B
Yeah.
- [98:29]
A
If he was so unhappy. So at least she found out pre marriage versus married kids. Like, it's best to find out before the wedding. Before the wedding. And now these two get a chance to work on it. And I don't think, you know, some people do, but I don't think most people propose because they feel like they need to. Like, I do think he's got feelings for her. And it's not just like, I gotta, you know, be at this stage in my life. My little brother got married. I should get married too.
- [99:03]
B
Like, no, it's not hard to kick the can down the road.
- [99:05]
A
No. There is another final update from OP on this one. It's a little long and it, it just kind of goes into details about how brother in law has since, you know, explained some of his feelings as he understood so far, thanks to a lot of introspection and therapy. So he's going to therapy, he's putting in the work. The silver lining all of this is that he's spending some much needed time working through his feelings and coping mechanisms. He group texted my husband and me and asked if we could talk together. It was mostly to talk to me, but he didn't want there to be any gray area going forward.
- [99:42]
B
Yeah, yeah.
- [99:43]
A
Respectful. To sum it up, he very sincerely apologized to me for the position he put us both in and the betrayal of our relationship. After a couple of therapy sessions talking through the root of his feelings, he realized how terrified of change he was even when it was good. And frankly, his fear of a failed marriage. He was older and understood so much more of his parents divorce than my husband and he didn't realize how much that had impacted him because he pushed it down.
- [100:12]
B
See, that's all. That's all wonderful. Right? That's, that's great. But, but for me, that still doesn't satisfy the. Oh, I'm going to confess my love to my brother's wife.
- [100:26]
A
It is weird.
- [100:27]
B
Like working.
- [100:28]
A
We do get there a little.
- [100:29]
B
I thought you were done the way.
- [100:30]
A
No, no, no, sorry. We do get there. I. I know I was. I was pausing to read. It goes on to say, when he found his fiance, he truly fell in love with her. And we all knew it by the way he acted. I mean, this guy is usually stubborn and stoic, but he just melted for her. He changed so many habits for the better, for his sake and for his future. Nobody questioned if he loved her. And he was so excited to propose, albeit he knew he was nervous for the life change. When we went out dress shopping and came back a little tipsy and excited, she gushed to him about wedding details and ideas and he got overwhelmed. So he did a couple of shots. And when I came in, as a person he had come to for comfort or advice on more than one occasion, he just exploded and said what he said. He had so many thoughts running through his head and I can't say that I'm mad at him for what happened when I got engaged. No matter how much I love my husband and how great our marriage is now, I have to admit I had a few late night musings about what life would be like married because it should not be taken lightly. He was so genuine in his apology and ashamed of his thoughts and actions. He was damn near in tears. So it goes on a little bit, but it'll be linked if you guys really want to read this and all of OP's comments and things like that, but seems like he's on the right track and you know, parents, bad, divorce, like we all can get a little twisted up from childhood trauma. So.
- [102:01]
B
Yeah.
- [102:01]
A
Is it weird? Yes. Are you still on board? I know you have some thoughts.
- [102:07]
B
Well, just, it's all great. All of that is great, 100%. That's great progress, great things to work on for yourself. None of which satisfies what happened. None of which. And I don't think you ever could justify what happened. You're going to therapy and yes, you're processing your parents, divorce and whatever other dynamics have led you to this point. But the reality is things are forever different. And if I'm in that dynamic, I mean essentially you're going to therapy to try and it would be like going through a breakup. Essentially. It's like I imagine it feels like heartbreak when you come to this movie like moment confessing your love no matter what the circumstance was and you still do that. And now you're working through this breakup. Do you think in doing all of that and loving your fiance as much as you do, you can ever really lose those feelings? Is that possible? Because I know at this point it's very clear you will never have her. It's not a reality. But you still had those feelings until the point they were strong enough to where you confessed as your soon to be wife is wedding dress shopping.
- [103:45]
A
I know.
- [103:46]
B
To your brother's wife.
- [103:48]
A
I wonder. And this is where I need like some psychologists to chime in. I wonder if this is like a weird projection in some way or a self sabotage or you know, when you just feel like conflicted in feelings to where it's like I have so much anxiety but I can't rationalize what it's about. So like I did this or I'm trying to like find an example because I, I feel like I can see it in my brain but I can't say it. Where it's like, oh, I'm lonely, I'm lonely. But you know, instead of connecting with people or maybe, you know, making a friend or joining a club, I'm going to get a puppy that I can't take care of because I'm lonely even though I know it's not what I need or it's not the right answer. I'm going to do this because it feels like a band aid and I don't really know how telling your brother's wife that you have feelings for them is a Band aid. I'm curious what would have happened if our OP wasn't in love with their husband and was, you know, maybe a bad person. But I just wonder if, like, he's so twisted up in his head that he mistakes the friendship as feelings. And I think this is really interesting. I have a guest coming up soon who has a psychology podcast, and I just watched a video from her the other day that was analyzing a study that was done about men versus women and how they perceive friendships. So this study brought in a bunch of men and women who were friends, and they interviewed them separately. And when they asked the women, like, are you interested in him? The women would be like, no, you know, not really interested. If you ask the men, are you interested in him? In her? The men would respond like, yeah, yeah, you know, if there's a shot, like, I totally go for it. I. I do like my friend, even though the. The female, like, didn't feel that way. So, yeah, it was interesting that, like, in the men's brains, they. They perceived more of, like, that line to cross. And I'm probably butchering this. She will be on soon. I'm really excited for her. But it was just an interesting study. And so maybe he's perceiving this friendship as, like, intimacy, because. And again, it's going back to this thing with, like, the loneliness epidemic for men that I keep talking about. Men don't have, typically, a lot of super intense, intimate, emotionally vulnerable relationships. Obviously, maybe that's not the rule. Maybe. Maybe I'm talking about the exception. Or maybe, you know, that's the exception and not the rule, whatever it is. But, like, I think why men are more likely to hurt themselves or, you know, whatever, like, it's because they don't talk and they don't have those close relationships. So maybe her coming in, she wanted a brother. She wanted that close relationship. She wanted that camaraderie, that intimacy. He perceived that as affection. Could be feelings. I think that happens quite a bit. And that's why that study comes about. It's like, women are just trying to be friends, but guys don't necessarily know that because they don't have that relationship with their friends.
- [107:18]
B
Yeah, no, it makes sense.
- [107:19]
A
And I'm not.
- [107:20]
B
And I'm not super.
- [107:21]
A
She just went on a soapbox. Sorry, guys.
- [107:22]
B
I'm not. It's not confusing how he got to this.
- [107:26]
A
Yeah.
- [107:27]
B
What's more confusing is how we're moving forward as the four of us and even him and his fiance. I feel like if. And I. I mean, power to them, if they work it out and that it all, you know, they can get to a healthy spot. That's incredible. For me as the fiance in that position, it's going to be hard to truly know my partner has worked through those feelings, does not have those feelings, truly loves me. And anytime then the four of us are together that I don't have to always be like looking over at him to see that if he's looking at her and always trying to suss out that dynamic. Because I lived that with my ex and I knew something was going on. Turns out I was fucking right. And it blew up my whole world. And I think I'm so sensitive to that, that in this situation for me, I don't know if it'd be possible.
- [108:32]
A
Can we talk about. Because we have not given her enough credit or any credit, the fiance. What a strong, secure woman.
- [108:47]
B
I. That's why it's almost unfathomable to me.
- [108:49]
A
I'm like, I'm so impressed by her.
- [108:52]
B
I don't have that level of, of whatever she has.
- [108:55]
A
I think it's just like security in yourself knowing you're enough, knowing that, hey, if it doesn't work out with him, that's fine because I know what I'm deserving of, I know what I'm worth. And I think to be able to say, hey, I still obviously want to be friends and if we do get married down the road, I still want you as a bridesmaid. After this info comes out, after this happens. I mean, she's amazing. And their relationship, their honesty, their community, I mean this whole group, like they're really, they're working through it, but she, she's an amazing person because how many people, how many stories have we read over the years that this, you know, sister in law, potential sister in law fiance would have been like, you, you're not going to be around me, you're not going to be around my husband. Actually, you're not coming to our wedding. You're uninvited. You're a temptation.
- [109:45]
B
She knows where it is.
- [109:46]
A
It could have easily gone that way. So this person is very secure and knows their worth. And regardless of how it ends, everyone's going to find their people and be happy. Of course they're working on it.
- [109:59]
B
And I do hope that is genuinely coming across that way because of how that's how she is and not because she's clinging on to pre this happening and pretending everything's fine. Like, no, no, we'll work through it. We're still gonna have Our wedding. I would love for you still be like, I hope it's not out of the panic and shock of what's just hit her world.
- [110:22]
A
Yeah.
- [110:22]
B
And that she is in that place. But even either way, like you just said.
- [110:28]
A
Yeah.
- [110:29]
B
People will find their people. And that's just one of the. The fun aspects of life. It is working through that you go through some crazy. Like I said earlier, you have some good stories to tell. But you know, you always keep searching until you find that person.
- [110:46]
A
Because really, you know, it's worth it when you do.
- [110:50]
B
Yeah.
- [110:51]
A
I love you, you little cutie over there. I know you're tired. I got one more short and sweet one to top us off here.
- [110:59]
B
Yeah, tht late night.
- [111:01]
A
I know you guys, it's like 2am right now. We are. We've done a full week of work and we are burning the candles at both ends. But we love you and we gotta deliver. So this is coming again from our very own 2hot take subreddit.
- [111:14]
B
My goodness.
- [111:15]
A
It is titled Close Family Friend Gifted Shower Head for my Wedding. Should I gift them a picture frame for their anniversary?
- [111:24]
B
Depends what kind of shower head, I guess. Justin, there's some badass showerheads out there.
- [111:30]
A
Naughty.
- [111:32]
B
The one from the retreat.
- [111:36]
A
So sometimes women or people with clits use shower heads to masturbate.
- [111:42]
B
I didn't know we were going there.
- [111:46]
A
Okay, okay, sorry. I detract. When I got married, a close family friend was really upset that I decided to only have my nieces at the wedding, excluding other children. They were quite rude about it, but eventually they accepted that it was going to be a child free event. On my wedding website, I mentioned that we didn't want gifts and instead preferred contributions to our honeymoon fund. Every single guest either gave us a check or sent money with a card. Except this friend. They gave us a shower head. While it wasn't a cheap one, it was odd, especially considering they work in that industry, so it likely didn't cost them much or anything. That was me. My husband found it particularly strange given how much of a fuss they made about their daughter not being invited. Fast forward to now. They're celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary and are essentially throwing another wedding. She's asked for my help several times because she liked how my wedding turned out. So I've assisted with designing invitations and other details. In her invitation, she specifically requested cash gifts. And when we discussed it, she casually mentioned that she hadn't realized she was supposed to give us cash at our wedding and just said, quote, oops, sorry about that. Now her event is this Saturday, and my husband suggested that instead of giving them cash, we should gift them something like a nice picture frame. We're about to leave for our honeymoon, so we don't have a lot of extra money to spend. Plus, they didn't give us money, so it feels fair, but I'm unsure. Would it be petty to give just a picture frame with a card, or should we just give them $50 or something? My mom thinks it's petty and got mad at me for even considering the picture frame. Would I be the asshole if I gift them a picture frame and a card instead?
- [113:54]
B
No, because of the shower head thing. How. What's the difference in time here? Is it pretty quick turnaround? Because it seems like we're just about to go on our honeymoon. So this just happened at the wedding.
- [114:06]
A
Or they needed a couple months to save up for their honeymoon, which a lot of people do nowadays.
- [114:11]
B
It's recent, right? Like, we're not talking, oh, this is five years later.
- [114:15]
A
Not the span of a year. Not like it seems still within a decent. A close amount of time.
- [114:23]
B
You know, honestly, this one. And maybe it's because it's. You know, of all the other stories we just went through, this one, to me, just feels like a little speed bump.
- [114:33]
A
Like, it's this lady, though. I got issues with her still, baby, speed bump or not. I know I got issues.
- [114:40]
B
I'm just like, I'm coming off the high of all the other stories, or the low, whatever you want to call it. And I'm like, okay, this isn't so bad to end on.
- [114:49]
A
Don't sweat the small stuff.
- [114:51]
B
But. So are we comparing really, this picture frame to the shower?
- [114:56]
A
So these people are having a 25th wedding anniversary, which. Amazing. So, so, so cool, right? But they're throwing another wedding and asking for gifts. You don't. That, to me, seems tacky. You can have a wedding anniversary, a big one, and celebrate, but like, to ask people to give you gifts again, just because you've been married for 25 years, that feels entitled.
- [115:21]
B
Get that bag.
- [115:22]
A
You know, a lot of people have anniversary parties. Maybe. Maybe I just haven't been to a lot of anniversary parties because I don't have a lot of married people in my life do.
- [115:32]
B
Purse first. Walk into the room. Purse first.
- [115:35]
A
I'm. Now I'm like, wondering because this is something. This is maybe a generational thing. My mom sends messages to, like, our family in a group chat, like, every anniversary for my brother, like, and his wife. Happy anniversary. So happy you guys are. Are Just in love and like, she sends really nice messages every anniversary. Are we supposed to reach out to people on their anniversary and congratulate them every year? Is it like a birthday thing?
- [116:01]
B
I think, yeah, kind of. I think it's. I don't. Birthdays, I think, extend to people that you kind of loosely know.
- [116:08]
A
Okay.
- [116:08]
B
And like, if you know it's someone's birthday and you've had contact with them in the past, sure. Happy birthday. But anniversary, I think anniversary is a little bit closer. Like you, your parents.
- [116:21]
A
Okay.
- [116:22]
B
Maybe your closest friends, things like that. People who you actually know their anniversary.
- [116:28]
A
So I guess if they're throwing a big anniversary party, I guess they do need gifts. I guess you should get a gift.
- [116:32]
B
I mean, it's kind of to each their own. It's kind of like a. Hey, ask for it. And if you get some. Cool. You always say, get the bag. Get your bag.
- [116:42]
A
I guess I love a present. So it's like, I love a present, but I love a present.
- [116:46]
B
I mean, the difference here is you could throw the anniversary party and just invite people. If people bring gifts and feel it's necessary or feel that they would like to give you a gift, then that's great.
- [116:59]
A
See, I think that's what I mean.
- [116:59]
B
But saying like, okay, um, you're invited. We're only want cash.
- [117:04]
A
Yeah.
- [117:04]
B
Is kind of like, okay, yeah, here's. Do you want me there or do you just want my money?
- [117:10]
A
Exactly. And here's where I have a problem. Okay. She says, this other person says to our writer, op, I didn't realize I was supposed to give you cash at your wedding. Oops, sorry about that. That's the point that you say, hey, I didn't realize. Here's your wedding gift. It's not too late, lady.
- [117:32]
B
That is true.
- [117:33]
A
And then she still expects op to bring her a gift. That's cash. No, no, no, no, no. You didn't get me cash. I don't get you cash.
- [117:45]
B
Honestly, why can't we trade shower heads?
- [117:48]
A
Why was that my thought? Why was my thought to give them a shower head or a bath related item? You guys gave us a shower head, we got you a bath thing. An intimacy package for the tub, you know, gotta spice it up. After 25 years, I.
- [118:07]
B
The shower head thing is still like. The shower head is so random.
- [118:13]
A
That was purposeful.
- [118:14]
B
That's like getting someone a. I don't know. I can't even think of some. What's something that random?
- [118:21]
A
It's like me getting you a fucking Barney costume for a holiday. You don't like Barney. You'd never dress up as Barney. Like, everyone needs a shower, but, like, also at the same time. Like, what if it doesn't match their finishes in their bathroom? What if it's a chrome shower head or a brass shower head and they have silver? Like, true. It's just stupid. And it was very intentful because they didn't get their way about having someone invited. It's tacky. They were tacky. I wouldn't get them a gift of monetary value. I would meet them at the level they met you at, especially given they work in the shower bath industry. And they likely got that for free as, like, a sample so he could promote their company or sell the product.
- [119:07]
B
I. I agree. But also, then what is our dynamic with this, these people?
- [119:13]
A
Because honestly, our writer's really nice to help her plan her anniversary after what, the drama?
- [119:19]
B
That's what I'm saying. Why are you stepping up and being like, I'll dec. I'll design the invitations. I'll do all this. Like, have we come. I mean, like, have we healed from this? Is the dynamic fine?
- [119:33]
A
Because it seems like it. If we're on, like, this family friend.
- [119:36]
B
If we're like, on this fighting, petty.
- [119:38]
A
Thing, just let him go.
- [119:39]
B
Then why are we helping so much with this? And now that you've helped so much. Yeah. You've kind of already given the gift of, you know, of helping. Helping someone design their invitations and do all this. That could kind of be your gift.
- [119:54]
A
I know.
- [119:55]
B
So it's like to bring something additionally. But at this point, if you're that involved with them and that close, if you're on a joking, you know, playing field. Aha. Remember you got me that shower head. Hey, I got you something just as nice for your little thing if you, if you're on that playing field. But otherwise, I don't see the point in being super petty and getting something, like, irrelevant.
- [120:20]
A
Honestly, I don't know. That's the thing. And now I'm like. I'm kind of like, looking back and reading the post, and our writer here didn't mention how long ago they got married to the party. It was like when I got married. And then fast forward to now. But the thing is, for her to bring it up, whether it's been six months or a year, and for her to say, I didn't realize we were supposed to give you cash.
- [120:44]
B
She's been thinking about it.
- [120:45]
A
Sorry about that. She might not have even been thinking about it, but it definitely means she knew what she did. It seems intentional because if you did it on accident, you wouldn't think twice about it.
- [120:58]
B
That's true. Yeah.
- [120:59]
A
She knows what she did. She gave you the showerhead on purpose as a fuck you gift.
- [121:04]
B
And that's why the dynamic's so weird. I don't get what's happening here.
- [121:08]
A
It's an interesting dynamic. OP does have some comments. Top comment though on this one. Frame a picture of the shower head. Opie responds. Haha, that would be awesome. Do it, says the next comment. But first check the cost of the shower head and buy a cheap frame accordingly. Thing is, they got that shower head for free. If they're in the industry, they got it for free.
- [121:35]
B
Yeah.
- [121:35]
A
Also, who the fuck wants a shower head for a wedding gift?
- [121:39]
B
It's just so unbelievably random. It's actually hilarious.
- [121:44]
A
Like I. I would just give it back. Like I would literally just give it back. Like here, take it, take it. I don't know.
- [121:51]
B
Shower heads are. It depends on the kind. Like what I said at the beginning.
- [121:54]
A
I know. So Opie does highlight some context about the relationship. They are very close family friends and while I was disappointed with the gift they chose for my wedding, it doesn't change how I feel about them. It's just frustrating that they didn't put in much effort and now it feels unfair. I'm torn because on one hand I feel slighted, but on the other hand, I'm not sure if it's worth being petty given how close we are. OP got downvoted. Negative 28 minus 28. And one last comment. I'll read from OP. Thanks everyone for your feedback. I want to clarify that we're not wealthy by any means. We didn't ask for contributions to our honeymoon fund as a requirement. We made it clear that just having our guests attend our wedding was gift enough. However, for those who wanted to give a gift, we suggested they could contribute to our honeymoon fund instead. I know I don't need to explain myself, but I want to emphasize that going on a trip with my husband is only possible because of the wedding gifts. Otherwise we wouldn't have been able to afford it. We thought it would be nice to have the chance to take a special trip we wouldn't otherwise be able to afford. On that note, the couple in question are older, close friends of my parents, and financially well off. It was intentional, which is why it was surprising that they chose to give us a product they sell as a gift. They have a 10 year old daughter and I don't feel resentful about the gift. After reading some of the comments, I've decided to take the high road and give them some cash on a nice card. No, no. Which I was already planning to do. Initially I thought a picture frame would be a nice gift until I learned they requested cash on their invite. My mom suggested that a picture frame might seem inappropriate, which made me second guess my choice. For me, it was more about the principal, especially considering the fact that they were upset about them bringing their daughter to the wedding. Now they're asking for a lot of help with their party. I could easily say no, but they're my parents best friend and I truly want to avoid the drama.
- [123:54]
B
Well, all I can say is you're choosing your path and you're choosing your battles. What are we going to say about it?
- [124:01]
A
I think you can. Well, it depends on how much money you're giving them. If you're giving them 20 bucks, whatever. If you're giving them anything more than $50. I'm upset with you. I myself am going through a people pleasing kill off and I get where you're at. I get where you're at. You want to keep the peace. This whole episode, you want to keep the peace, avoid the drama. But the thing is, when people show you disrespect, you don't need to meet them with respect. She knows what she did, she acknowledged what she did and she still didn't make it right. And she's also making you be a party planner for free. No, no, this. This is giving me ulcers. This is giving me ulcers.
- [124:49]
B
She can make her own choices.
- [124:50]
A
I know I'm stressed for you and you don't deserve this, but it'll be fine. It's. Don't sweat the small stuff, right?
- [124:56]
B
No, I mean, honestly, you gotta learn to set your own boundaries and, and do that on your own. So all you, I mean, you can make as many suggestions as you can as you want to somebody, but until they actually, you know, make the move to do something about it. I know it's all you can do.
- [125:17]
A
I know that. All being said, where do you fall? Elope or wedding? We gotta, we gotta get back to our wedding planner. We gotta get back to people. Are you any closer to a decision?
- [125:32]
B
Honestly? Next step is going to sleep. I might sleep right in this chair.
- [125:36]
A
I don't know.
- [125:37]
B
I have no brain power left to think about any of that.
- [125:41]
A
Can you imagine if I put it to a poll and like whatever people decided is what we do?
- [125:46]
B
I mean, it's really not what it's about.
- [125:49]
A
I know, but I'm just so stressed. I'm indecisive. I don't know. Is eloping underrated? Our weddings overrated?
- [125:57]
B
Depends on the people.
- [125:58]
A
Please, please, please share your personal stories.
- [126:01]
B
Yes, personal story. But there's no. There's no universal answer here. It's whatever fits you.
- [126:07]
A
I know. I just need to see, like, some comments from you guys. Like, tell me your wedding happy stories. Tell me your wedding horror stories. I just, like, need to see it all and hope it helps me make a decision because I'm getting a crunch time. We're getting a crunch time and it's gonna be. It's gonna be a lot. But thank you guys so much for being here. Another episode. I've got more wedding stories from this theme that I'm gonna get into with Lauren as well as some other ones. Justin and I had a really good Patreon bonus episode. So many good stuff. So head over to Patreon if you want more of this and some other bonus content. But otherwise, thank you for being here another week.
- [126:54]
B
The road to 250.
- [126:56]
A
The road to 250 now it's another goal, but we've got a big announcement coming early March. I'm just sitting here still. Pinch me. So thank you guys so much. And until next time.
- [127:10]
B
Until next time.
- [127:11]
A
Bye.
- [127:13]
B
Bye.