225: Power Struggles..

Summary

Podcast Summary: Two Hot Takes Episode 225 – Power Struggles

Host: Morgan Absher
Release Date: July 17, 2025
Episode Title: Power Struggles

---

Introduction

In Episode 225 of Two Hot Takes, host Morgan Absher and co-hosts Matt and Mikaela delve into the intricate dynamics of power struggles within relationships. Drawing from Reddit stories, listener write-ins, and internet anecdotes, they explore how imbalances and control issues can impact personal lives. This episode covers intense real-life scenarios, offering insights and advice while highlighting the importance of communication and boundaries in maintaining healthy relationships.

---

1. AITA for Calling My Wife Insecure on Our Wedding Day?

Story Overview:
A Reddit user (28M) shares his experience of questioning whether he is the asshole for calling his wife insecure and selfish during their wedding reception. The conflict arose when his six-year-old nephew wore white jeans and a bow tie—a breach of their no-white attire rule. His wife’s overreaction led to a heated argument, ultimately straining their relationship.

Key Points:

• The user set a no-white rule for the wedding, primarily to avoid guests upstaging the bride.
• During the reception, the nephew's attire triggered his wife’s emotional response, causing her distress.
• Tensions escalated when his wife demanded that their niece and nephew leave unless they changed their clothes.
• The situation spiraled into mutual accusations, with the husband labeling his wife as insecure and selfish.

Notable Quotes:

• Matt [07:00]: “I think you are the asshole for saying that. If this were me, I would have said, hey, let’s just enjoy our day.”
• Mikaela [10:46]: “People can react in the moment. You go in to console, and I think that was right.”

Discussion & Insights:
Matt and Mikaela dissect the husband's reaction, emphasizing that while the nephew’s attire was inappropriate, his approach was unnecessarily harsh. They highlight the importance of de-escalation and understanding during emotional moments, especially on significant days like weddings. The hosts agree that both parties exhibited flaws, but the husband's lack of empathy made him the primary offender.

Conclusion:
The consensus is that the husband was in the wrong for his aggressive confrontation, making him the asshole in this scenario. The episode underscores the necessity of handling conflicts with patience and empathy to preserve relationship harmony.

---

2. Relationship Jealousy Leading to Workplace Conflict

Story Overview:
A Reddit user (31M) narrates how his wife (30F) became increasingly jealous of a coworker named Heather, leading her to orchestrate spying on him at work. This interference damaged his professional relationships and trust within his marriage, eventually resulting in his wife seeking a transfer for Heather.

Key Points:

• The wife’s jealousy manifested in constant monitoring and reporting of the husband’s interactions with Heather.
• Hostility from the wife affected the husband’s reputation and relationships at work.
• The situation culminated in Heather feeling uncomfortable and requesting a transfer.
• An update reveals that despite initial attempts at reconciliation, the relationship deteriorated further, leading to separation.

Notable Quotes:

• Mikaela [33:37]: “This feels like a total trust problem. You clearly don’t trust me.”
• Matt [14:40]: “This is bad. This is bad, bad. You are staring a lot of therapy in the face here.”

Discussion & Insights:
Matt and Mikaela explore the severe impact of unchecked jealousy, emphasizing how it undermines both personal and professional spheres. They discuss the importance of trust and boundaries, noting that the wife’s actions were not only harmful but indicative of deeper insecurities needing professional intervention.

Conclusion:
The hosts agree that the husband's wife exhibited manipulative and controlling behavior, making her accountable for the relationship’s breakdown. They stress the importance of addressing such toxic dynamics through counseling and setting firm boundaries to prevent further damage.

---

3. Refusing to Babysit Sister’s Child

Story Overview:
A Reddit user (28F) shares her frustration with her older sister (31F) who has been relying on her as a backup daycare for her eight-month-old baby without prior discussion. This arrangement became untenable when the sister started making passive-aggressive remarks after being denied additional help.

Key Points:

• Initial willingness to help postpartum transitioned into a demanding, weekly commitment.
• The user's attempts to set boundaries were met with emotional manipulation and family pressure.
• The sister’s responses involved guilt-tripping and involving other family members to undermine the user's stance.

Notable Quotes:

• Matt [60:25]: “This is a big power struggle. She’s trying to strong-arm Op, take advantage.”
• Mikaela [61:14]: “You have to set your boundary 100%. But then, in the long run, hopefully, she just understands not to take advantage of you.”

Discussion & Insights:
Matt and Mikaela address the challenges of setting boundaries within family relationships. They highlight the importance of clear communication and standing firm against manipulation. The hosts provide strategies for asserting boundaries without alienating family members, emphasizing self-care and prioritizing one’s well-being.

Conclusion:
The podcast supports the user’s decision to establish boundaries, deeming it necessary to maintain personal mental health. They commend her for asserting her needs and discourage succumbing to external pressures that undermine her autonomy.

---

4. Boyfriend Using Her Poor Eyesight in Sexual Intimacy

Story Overview:
A Reddit user (24F) details a disturbing pattern where her magician boyfriend (27M) uses her severe nearsightedness and glasses as part of sexual intimacy without her consent. This behavior escalated to the point where he inserted a magic tool into her during sex, leading to emotional trauma and the eventual breakup.

Key Points:

• The boyfriend incorporated non-consensual magic tricks into their intimate moments, disregarding her discomfort.
• Attempts to communicate her boundaries were met with defensiveness and aggression.
• The culmination of his actions revealed controlling and abusive tendencies, prompting her to leave the relationship.

Notable Quotes:

• Matt [72:55]: “This is abuse. He is using you as a sex doll... That is sick.”
• Mikaela [90:07]: “This is abuse. She's using you... That is not okay.”

Discussion & Insights:
Matt and Mikaela condemn the boyfriend’s actions as abusive and non-consensual, emphasizing the importance of respecting sexual boundaries. They discuss the signs of manipulation and control in intimate relationships, advocating for seeking professional help and prioritizing personal safety.

Conclusion:
The hosts strongly support the user’s decision to end the relationship, labeling the boyfriend’s behavior as abusive. They underscore the necessity of recognizing and addressing such toxic dynamics to protect one’s mental and emotional well-being.

---

5. Rescuing a Puppy from a Dumpster

Story Overview:
A heartwarming story from r/pitbulls details how a Reddit user (presumably male) and his boyfriend rescued a malnourished puppy named Angel from a dumpster. The narrative follows Angel’s recovery and the positive impact of their compassionate actions.

Key Points:

• Angel was found in dire conditions, having been mistreated and abandoned.
• Immediate efforts to rescue and rehabilitate the puppy, including veterinary care and a loving home environment.
• Angel’s transformation from a frightened, malnourished pup to a playful and affectionate dog.

Notable Quotes:

• Matt [69:02]: “She was so tiny. Look at her curled up like so tiny.”
• Mikaela [107:55]: “It's a very happy story... It just makes you feel good.”

Discussion & Insights:
Matt and Mikaela express immense joy and admiration for the rescue, highlighting the importance of compassion and proactive efforts in animal welfare. They celebrate Angel’s recovery as a testament to the positive impact of loving and caring individuals.

Conclusion:
The hosts commend the user for their heroic actions, emphasizing the profound difference one can make in an animal’s life. They encourage listeners to consider similar acts of kindness and support animal rescue missions.

---

Final Thoughts

Episode 225 of Two Hot Takes powerfully illustrates how power struggles and control issues can devastate relationships, emphasizing the necessity of healthy communication and respect for boundaries. Through candid discussions and empathetic insights, Morgan Absher and her co-hosts provide valuable perspectives on navigating and resolving complex interpersonal conflicts. The episode concludes on a hopeful note with the uplifting story of Angel’s rescue, reminding listeners of the goodness that can emerge from compassion and solidarity.

---

Follow and Support Two Hot Takes:

• Instagram: @TwoHotTakes
• YouTube: Two Hot Takes YouTube Channel
• Patreon: Exclusive BONUS Stories
• Merchandise: Two Hot Takes Shop

---

Stay tuned for more insightful discussions and real-life stories on the next episode of Two Hot Takes.

Transcript

[Mikaela]

Now you can watch the hottest movies and series with Hulu on Disney. With Hulu. Say yes, Chef to a new season of FX is the Bear. And don't miss Marvel Television's action packed new series Ironheart on Disney. All of these and more now streaming with Hulu on Disney with a bundle. Subscription terms apply. Visit disneyplus.com hulu for details.

[Matt]

This episode is brought to you by Disney's Freakier Friday on Friday, August 8th. Prepare for the frequel. Lindsay Lohan and Jamie Lee Curtis are back in Disney's Freakier Friday. And this time the whole family is switching. A new generation joins the chaos, making this swap wilder, weirder and more heartwarming than ever. It's the perfect summer event for the whole family. Disney's Freak Year Friday only in theaters August 8th. Tickets are on sale now. I don't know if it's going to be a headphone day for me.

[Mikaela]

That's fine. I'll hold it down.

[Matt]

Is it a headphone day? Maybe initially. Maybe initially because I need to get into the zone. Okay. I need to get into the zone. Get back on the too hot takes.

[Mikaela]

Train or get back on the horse.

[Matt]

Yeah. Back in the saddle again.

[Mikaela]

It's more fitting.

[Matt]

Back in the saddle again. It's a song, great song, really old country song. But it's good. But I've been out of the studio for quite some time.

[Mikaela]

It's good.

[Matt]

Yeah. I same had surgery. I will be getting into what I did on an episode very soon with Mikaela. I have a story that really tees up chatting about that. We are in the height of wedding planning right now.

[Mikaela]

Are you going to bring up my anxiety?

[Matt]

What's your anxiety?

[Mikaela]

Just during that whole week and such.

[Matt]

Yeah, yeah, I'll probably talk about that.

[Mikaela]

But I'm still recovering.

[Matt]

You know the story, what it is. Cause you said it's real if you can touch them. And I'm excited to chat about that comment.

[Mikaela]

I mean, okay, yeah, it's gonna be.

[Matt]

A good story but we'll get into that. That's a couple weeks away but biggest dilemma in our life right now. And I'm putting the word out there because I'm desperate and I hope someone out there can help. We need a magician for our wedding. A good high quality strolling magician. So if there's anyone out there near Minnesota that's a magician, let us know. Or not near, but willing to travel at a decent rate. We are also on the hunt for a really good wedding signature drink. We love mezcal. Mezcal depending on how you want to say it. We also love, like, a lavender drink. We just want to know, like, if you're a fan of Mezcal, like, what drink do you gravitate towards? And if you are not a fan, what's the best one you've tried? Because we do want it to be entry level. Yeah, yeah. We're also in need of just quick.

[Mikaela]

Easy, maybe good in. In a batch for the bartenders.

[Matt]

Yes. If we can batch make it in pictures, that'd probably be really good for cocktail hour. Bartender. We also need a bartender. We're still working on that.

[Mikaela]

Or you could just have tea like we're having now. Sipping our tea in our mugs.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Mikaela]

Yeah.

[Matt]

Our new camp mug. New 2 out takes merch. The camp mug. I also got my patch sweatshirt done, you guys. This is the light tan version. I'm really loving the patches. I'm going to, like, sew mine down, I think, to really lock them in. But the iron on works great. I also love the patches because anytime I spill on these sweatshirts and, like, stain them, I just add a patch on top. That's like my new strategy. My new strategy with. With that. But yeah, today's theme, I'm so excited to get into it. I also probably just stress everyone out. I'm like, I need a wedding magician. I need a drink. I need a cake. I need a bartender. We are pretty with it, you guys. Like, we're mostly there, so don't stress.

[Mikaela]

You could get those very last minute. We're doing great.

[Matt]

Okay.

[Mikaela]

You can't set the menu up last minute, but you could get a signature drink.

[Matt]

Yeah, yeah.

[Mikaela]

No, we could make it ourselves.

[Matt]

Tent is on the way. I did end up ordering my tent from China. It's on a boat right now. It's going to Long Beach, California first, and then gets put on a truck to Minnesota. So all is looking good on the tent front. But without further ado, this week's theme. Because we're getting back in the saddle.

[Mikaela]

Yeah.

[Matt]

Yeah. There's clearly a power struggle in a lot of these stories today. A power imbalance. Someone's trying to commandeer power. The struggle is real. I'm not sure what the title will be. Power Struggle. Maybe just, you know, keeping it simple. But there's clearly a dynamic that is just a little off in terms of charge.

[Mikaela]

Okay. Been there.

[Matt]

Yeah. We've all been there.

[Mikaela]

Yeah.

[Matt]

Time or two.

[Mikaela]

Me and my stomach have a power battle all the time. I have tummy issues. It's very relevant. It's Been the last three weeks of my life since my anxiety. We haven't recovered.

[Matt]

We need to get colonoscopies stat, stat.

[Mikaela]

Holding hands. We should hold hands as we go under. See you on the other side.

[Matt]

Yeah. Oh my God. Just wait until I show you guys some videos of me coming out of anesthesia. I was a hoot. I didn't cry. But yeah, I'm down to hold hands going under. That'd be really good.

[Mikaela]

Yeah.

[Matt]

Okay, let's get into these, shall we? Yes, let's dive in. Before we dive into today's stories, this episode is brought to you by Sol de Janeiro Soldier. So you love to take care of your skin and you love to smell great. That's why the new body bottleata lotion from Sol de Janeiro is for you and me. It's fast absorbing and non sticky, which is crucial. And it gives you 24 hours of non stop weightless daily hydration. And it's made with their iconic she Rosa 62 scent. From sunrise to the after party. New body Baudelata by Sol de Janeiro should be your new lotion obsession. I know it's mine, so give it a try. You know you wanna shop now at Sephora andsol de janeiro.com. okay. Since we've been chatting about wedding a little bit here as we started, let's do a wedding one.

[Mikaela]

Yes.

[Matt]

Just kick us off. I'm in full wedding mood. I'm loving all things wedding. Madeline White is getting married soon and I'm like so excited to see her dress. So wedding is on my mind. So this one is coming from Am I the asshole? It is titled am I the asshole for calling my wife insecure and selfish on our wedding day. I, 28, male, and my wife, 26 female, got married last Wednesday and the ceremony was amazing. My wife was very strict on the fact that no guest is allowed to wear white, which is understandable because for females, that's considered rude or bad luck at weddings. I think the reception was going well too, until I noticed my wife walking over to the bathroom with her face held in her hands. Obviously, I could tell my wife was upset, so I rushed across the room. Once I got to the bathroom, I knocked on the door and informed my wife that it was me at the door. After a few minutes, I heard the door unlock and open. When I got in, I saw my wife sitting on the floor with mascara running down her cheeks. I asked what was wrong and she told me that one of our nephews was wearing white jeans and a white bow tie. I immediately thought to myself how she was completely overreacting because he's a six year old child and had no idea that you can't wear white to a wedding. I told her she was overreacting, but in a much nicer way. And I said that she should go out and enjoy the reception and forget about the whole thing. She eventually texted her sister to come to the bathroom and fix her makeup so she could go back out and have a good night. After a while, I saw her talking to my sister, the mom of our nephew, and I thought she was just making conversation. About an hour later, my sister pulled me aside and berated me for my wife's behavior. She said my wife had asked her and her son to leave unless she had a change of clothes for him. This was far from okay to me. So I asked my wife to talk and explained everything my sister told me. My wife said she was completely in the right for what she asked and I told her that if she kicks my family out, then I will happily leave too. My wife started crying again and saying that this is her day and she doesn't want it to be ruined by our nephew. This angered me because I had enough of her ruining our day over something silly. I then said she was not only selfish, but that she was insanely insecure if she's worried about a six year old looking better than her. My wife's been staying with her mother since the wedding and we haven't spoken once. Her mom reached out to me this morning and said that I need to apologize right away for being out of line. I really don't believe I'm in the wrong here. So what do you think? Am I the asshole?

[Mikaela]

In certain ways, yes. Because I will agree that, you know, our wedding's approaching. It's very clear in the invitations. No white, which no surprise.

[Matt]

Okay, hold on. I didn't put it in the invitation.

[Mikaela]

I thought it was.

[Matt]

No, I put it on the wedding website under Inspo for clothing, but it's not on the invitation. Like I feel like that that might be a little goofy. No, I knew that it's on the. The outfit inspo.

[Mikaela]

I confused that, but it is there. It's posted, it is a notif people are notified. Yeah, if a six year old, you know, the closest we have, let's say one of Matt's kids is wearing like in this case it'd be white pants. You know what I mean? It's not necessarily a white dress. It's also a child. I feel that for me it's not gonna ruin My day. And I don't think it would affect you this much.

[Matt]

No.

[Mikaela]

I think if you get to that point, there's no mom or other girl or someone blatantly purposefully wearing a white dress. It's very much just a kid's wearing white jeans and a white bow tie. Yeah. You said no white. But I'm very much in the boat of let's not have this wreck the day. She had her feelings and it's fine. People can react in the moment. You go in console and I think that was right, hey, let's go out and enjoy this. Her sister comes in, let's go do this. Then it just gets a little weird because now she's talking to people and asking them to leave. And then it drives husband to the point where he's gonna make these crazy comments.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Mikaela]

Which we're spiraling each other up, out of control. It's a bad cycle. We need to work on our communication. We're getting married and they got married. We're not working well right now. And now we haven't spoken since the wedding. And now the whole wedding has this huge stain on it.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Mikaela]

And I don't think it had to. So I'm in the boat of like, I don't know. Obviously you don't go in and say you're insanely insecure and, and you, you lash out. It's not the time or the place. But I don't know in that situation what you're supposed to do in his position. If she isn't letting it go and is asking people to leave, where do you turn?

[Matt]

Yeah. I think he could have deescalated it. And I don't know if it would have necessarily got to this like toxic communication breakdown moment if he had. But at the same time, like, is she being out of line and a little goofy? Yeah. I think it's a six year old kid in the same breath. Did her sister in law, this kid's mom, put him in those clothes? Very likely. So the sister is to blame. Maybe this was a message. Maybe this was a little bit of a fuck you. Regardless, here we are. You've spent all this money. Do you want to have a good day or not? Is it callous that he's in these white clothes? Potentially. Is it worth ruining your day over? No. Did the husband need to say, well, if you're asking my family to leave, I'll happily leave with them? That's not how you should be aligning yourself. This is your wedding day. You should be aligning yourself with Your partner, you should be trying to de. Escalate this and calm her feelings because this is. This is a stressful day for a bride who very likely could have planned the whole thing. So for me, is he the asshole for calling his wife insecure and selfish on our wedding day?

[Mikaela]

Yes.

[Matt]

Yeah, I think you are the asshole. I don't think you needed to go there. I don't think you needed to say those things. Is it a frustrating situation? Yeah. Is she in the wrong also? Yeah. So it could be. And everyone sucks. But your question. Yeah, you're the asshole for saying that. If this were me in this situation, I would have said, hey, you know, I heard what you said to my sister. I don't love it. He shouldn't be in white. But here we are. They're not gonna leave, babe. Like, this is my family. We love them. We have to think about the rest of our lives we have with these people. Let's just ignore it and have a good day. Let's enjoy our night. Come on.

[Mikaela]

Because what does it affect at that point?

[Matt]

And go get her a shot. Go get her a glass of champagne. Let's keep it rolling.

[Mikaela]

Well, and if it was purposeful, if it's literally, I am doing this to piss off the bride. Some jab. You are, essentially by making it this big deal, letting her accomplish what she wanted, if that was the goal, if she wanted to take a shot at you on your wedding day, well, man, you gave it to her. But if you ignore it and just kind of move on and never, never acknowledge it, then she didn't get that jab. If that's what, you know, was behind the whole thing.

[Matt]

Yeah, I do agree with that. I think a lot of times, in a lot of these situations, maybe not the next one I'm gonna share. But, like, in a lot of these situations, people only have as much power over you as you give them. And this is one where it's like, the little boy is wearing white pants.

[Mikaela]

Like, he don't know any better either. No.

[Matt]

And like, a lot of people put their ring bearers in full white suits. Flower girls get little white dresses. Like my grandma, I want to wear a white dress. Flower girl, we'll be in a white dress. I'm asking our family, like, the women in our family, my mom, your mom, to wear cream gold dresses. Like, I don't know. It's just goofy to me to make this big of a deal. And I think they're just not reacting well to the situation.

[Mikaela]

It's almost like, are you wearing White socks. Pull up your pants now.

[Matt]

Yeah, I mean, where's. There's gotta be a line. I think as long as it's not a full white dress. Yeah, maybe that's an okay line. I know a lot of you out there have had some wedding drama with white. I would love to see it in the comments. I'm living for it right now. But the top comment on this one, not the asshole. Jesus. It's a six year old in a bow tie. Did she think people would confuse him for the Bride? Is she 3ft tall and was she wearing a bow tie? She was insecure and selfish. It wasn't her day. It was both of your day and she ruined it by throwing a tantrum. Take a good look at how she handles conflict as this is going to be. Your marriage doesn't like your response, throws everything out of proportion and runs to mommy. It's early enough for an annulment. Think about it.

[Mikaela]

It's not a great response on either side.

[Matt]

No.

[Mikaela]

To clarify, yes, it's not a great response on her part. Yes. But also then how he reacted to her bad response. It's just a bad cycle.

[Matt]

Here's where a lot of people would say you don't have to be the bigger person, but I would imagine that after agreeing to marry someone and getting this far in a relationship, you kind of know how to maybe pacify the situation with your partner. And was calling her selfish and insecure on your wedding day the way to do it? You just shot yourself in the foot. You ruined your whole day.

[Mikaela]

So look at the bigger picture too.

[Matt]

And I'm not like, was he wrong? I still think he was wrong for how he handled it. Was she wrong? Yeah, they're both goofy here. So maybe not you're the asshole. Maybe just everyone sucks and these people need to get it together.

[Mikaela]

Mm.

[Matt]

This comment though says, I think the bride is upset with the parents using their child to blandly float the rules. Not saying I agree with the reaction, just saying that the bride is upset with what would have been an adult's decision by either the bride or groom's sibling.

[Mikaela]

Right? Yeah.

[Matt]

And someone responds, if the sister was the one wearing white or maybe a teenage niece, I might agree with you. But as a six year old boy in white jeans and a bow tie, seriously, if that ruins your night, then you have a lot more problems. Also true.

[Mikaela]

Yeah.

[Matt]

Someone here responds, a grown ass woman wore white to my wedding and I was too happy to notice. What a mess. But I can't imagine calling a bride insanely Insecure about someone looking better than her on her wedding day. There has to be a better way to talk her off the cliff. If they can't work through this kind of thing, I genuinely think they aren't ready to be married anyhow.

[Mikaela]

Pretty well said.

[Matt]

Someone here goes. My mother in law wore a dress that was almost the same color and material as mine and it was a complete accident. She thought I was wearing white and more traditional satin. I thought it was hysterical and teased her about it. It's all about intent and I know she did not want to upstage me at all.

[Mikaela]

Right.

[Matt]

A six year old ain't upstaging you. And the don't wear white is really aimed at women. I would be gobsmacked at my spouse's lack of maturity if they yelled at a child at a wedding. You ruined your own day, sweetheart. Comments seemingly go pretty back and forth. Like I'd say a lot more. Not the asshole a lot of people are asking about. Can you get an annulment? Surely it's not too late. She is crazy for being insecure about a six year old boy wearing jeans and a bow tie. How in the slightest is that taken away from the bride? And I do agree with that. I will say I agree a lot of annulment. If you searched the word annulment on this one, there would be a lot.

[Mikaela]

If you get an annulment, could you. Can you go forward saying, yeah, I got divorced.

[Matt]

I don't think it's technically divorced.

[Mikaela]

I think because the marriage never is technically there. It's pending. You were never married.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Mikaela]

Even though you're up there and say, I do, there's a. There's a period of time where technically.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Mikaela]

It's like when you charge something on your credit card and it's pending.

[Matt]

Yeah. It falls off.

[Mikaela]

Mm.

[Matt]

Yeah, I think so. I think that's how they work. Yeah.

[Mikaela]

So it's like. Okay. Yep. Nevermind.

[Matt]

No.

[Mikaela]

Don't need to go down the rabbit hole. Cause it's like, well then are we husband and wife that night or.

[Matt]

No, temporarily.

[Mikaela]

It's like a. It's like a permit, Like a driver's license permit.

[Matt]

Mm.

[Mikaela]

You can drive on your own, but you're not fully licensed.

[Matt]

Could be looked at that way.

[Mikaela]

It's a gray area.

[Matt]

Yeah. But then if you consummate it or if you wait out the time period, then it's locked in.

[Mikaela]

Okay.

[Matt]

I don't know if consummating even matters these days. I think that's kind of old fashioned. But I. I Keep seeing a lot of weird stuff on tv.

[Mikaela]

No, judge, we cannot annul this. We consummated it.

[Matt]

Literally.

[Mikaela]

I kept proof.

[Matt]

Someone does ask the question. I've been thinking the whole time info. Do your wife and sister have other issues with each other?

[Mikaela]

Right.

[Matt]

Which is what I'm thinking. This comment. Everyone sucks here. Why would your sister dress her son in white knowing it's not acceptable? Does she dislike your wife? On the surface, your wife is unreasonable and overreacted. It's a male child, not a woman in white dress. However, if she is used to crap from your sister, then her reaction would make sense as she would know that this was a deliberate act by your sister against her. You didn't deal well with the situation.

[Mikaela]

Either, which is why I go back to. If that is her intent, don't say a dang thing. Don't even react.

[Matt]

No.

[Mikaela]

Don't let her win. No power struggle, man.

[Matt]

Power struggle going on here. And especially with this next one. Okay, I'm gonna ask you a question before we begin this story.

[Mikaela]

Okay.

[Matt]

Would you look at this picture? Who do you think this is in this image? Who? Who? This is at a wedding. Who would you assume that this is Jennifer Aniston? You can't even see the person's face.

[Mikaela]

Well, that's why I'm like, okay, so I'm gonna assume it's a bride.

[Matt]

You would assume the bride. I would assume the bride as well. It is not the bride.

[Mikaela]

Yeah.

[Matt]

So number two is coming from R weddingshaming. It's two days old. It is titled sister in law wore near white wedding dress to the wedding.

[Mikaela]

It's not near white. That is white.

[Matt]

It is white, white, white, white. And it's floor length. Wait till you guys see the picture. OP goes on to share multiple pictures of the dress. Here is an image from the back. I don't know if this person is carrying a lace shaw. If I didn't know any better, I would assume it was a veil that they were carrying.

[Mikaela]

And you can't even say colorblind because I don't think white applies in a colorblind situation. Right.

[Matt]

I think you always just see white. Yeah, yeah.

[Mikaela]

I think we all see white as white.

[Matt]

I'm curious now.

[Mikaela]

I think so.

[Matt]

OP goes on to say the dress code was summer pastel chic. So think Easter colors. The girlfriend of the groom's brother wore a sage green wedding dress that in no way, shape or form appeared to be sage green or any other color. So you're trying to tell me that that person said that dress was sage green. Sage green. She's colorblind. It goes on to say the veil she's carrying was the flower girls, her daughter. This was after the mother in law had asked the bride if she could wear a white jumpsuit to the wedding. To which the bride obviously said no.

[Mikaela]

Hmm.

[Matt]

That is crazy. To have multiple people, mother in law ask if they can wear a white jumpsuit and then your basically sister in law wears a white wedding dress. See, here's what I am like a little nervous about with our wedding. I've said no white. I joke, right, about if someone shows up in white, I'll pour wine on them. Or not me, because I'm not getting your red wine in my dress. But someone would. But like, obviously I don't think I have that in me. So what do you do if someone actually shows up in white like this? What will we do?

[Mikaela]

We have someone in place for that.

[Matt]

But what are they going to do? Make them leave. Like genuinely. Like, I talk a big game when it comes to this. But like do we have little robes ready that like you could tie on you or like what do we do?

[Mikaela]

We'll have to think about it because I'm not. Overalls.

[Matt]

Huh?

[Mikaela]

Country theme. Let's go.

[Matt]

A T shirt of shame. I wore white to the wedding.

[Mikaela]

Tie dye on the spot. Hope the ink doesn't stain you.

[Matt]

I did see a video somewhere where this person accidentally got red wine spilled on them at a bar and so they just bought a bunch of other wine glasses like of red wine and just like did put it all over their. Their dress.

[Mikaela]

Yeah.

[Matt]

To make it better. But then you're wet and smell like wine. But I don't know. Yeah. Top comment on this post. Wow, that's very bridal. Someone goes, yeah, this is straight up a wedding dress. To be safe, you should never wear any white dress to a wedding that is not yours. That being said, not all white dresses are wedding dresses. This is absolutely a wedding dress with.

[Mikaela]

The flowers on it and such.

[Matt]

Literally.

[Mikaela]

Yeah. Cuz where else would you wear that? You going to wear that on a night out? Maybe in a very special circumstance. But then everyone's going to look at you. Like people looked at us in the museum, you know, like, oh my God, look at the happy new couple. Everyone's walking by. Congratulations.

[Matt]

Oh my God. I.

[Mikaela]

We're like, it's just an engagement shoot.

[Matt]

That was a good shoot.

[Mikaela]

It was a good shoot.

[Matt]

But I'm just turned out really good.

[Mikaela]

Everyone's going to be. You're going to get that attention like that. So I don't feel like a lot of people are going to wear a wedding type gown outside of a wedding. Yeah, you know, I don't know.

[Matt]

It's so strange. It's definitely not sage green so much. So not sage green that like, people on the post were even confused. Like, the post displayed the picture as you're scrolling the Reddit homepage. So a lot of people like looked at it and they're like, oh, cool, the person included a picture of the bride. Now let's see what the sister in law is looking like. No, that is a sister in law and that's what a lot of comments say. Like, yeah, I was like, cool, so what does sister in law look like, bruh? Next comment. Exactly what I was going to say. OP clearly included pictures of the actual bride for comparison and then forgot to add pictures of the offending sister in law. Nope.

[Mikaela]

So we don't know what came of it. Is there any extension, Any more info, as they say?

[Matt]

Let me go see if OP has made any other comments on this. Lot of clarifying comments. This is the sister in law. Bride isn't in these photos. OP is promising to keep people updated, but no official update yet. OP was just a guest at the wedding and that's all we got.

[Mikaela]

Okay.

[Matt]

All we got.

[Mikaela]

Yeah.

[Matt]

Moving along.

[Mikaela]

All right.

[Matt]

But I would love to hear all your tips and tricks for dealing with people that wear white to your wedding. Thank you very much. This episode is brought to you by Talkspace. We talk about mental health a lot on this show and how valuable therapy can be. But for a lot of people, it can have a few barriers like accessibility, it can be hard to find a therapist you connect with, and affordability therapy can be costly, but Talkspace solves those issues. Most insured members have a zero dollar copay. Talkspace is the leading virtual therapy provider that makes getting the help you need easy, accessible and affordable. It's super easy to get started. You just sign up online and you can typically get matched with a provider within 48 hours. And I love that. Talkspace recognizes that you might not connect with your first provider, so you can switch at any time at no extra cost. So if you're ready to try it for yourself as a listener of this podcast, you'll get $80 off your first month with Talkspace when you go to talkspace.comthd and enter promo code SPACE80. That's S P A C E80. To match with a licensed therapist today, go to talkspace.comtht and enter promo code SPACE80. This is coming from r relationships. It is titled i31 male, found out my wife, 30 female, has been getting a coworker to spy on me at work.

[Mikaela]

Cheaper than a PI.

[Matt]

We've been married for five years and together for eight. Not really great at writing, so apologies in advance. I'll try to include as much info as I can think of and that's relevant to, but please feel free to ask me for more in the comments if I wasn't clear about something. My wife has been jealous of a coworker at my job for some time now. Her name is Heather and she's in her early 20s, tall, pretty, just observations as I have a pair of eyes. Heather is nice, but I don't go out of my way to talk to her. We worked together on a project about eight months ago, which is when this seems to have started. Heather, three other coworkers and I were assigned to this project and so for a good month we spent much time together at work. My wife saw her one day when we were all coming out and she was picking me up to go to dinner at my parents. She immediately asked who she was and if she worked at my job. I told her she was new and was put on our project for the entire duration of the project. My wife was in a bad mood almost every day and would take every opportunity to tear Heather down, saying she was lanky or her nose was crooked or whatever. She is insecure about her height because she's 54 and not a quote 6 foot tall. Glamazon I love my wife's height and her petite figure and I tell her this every day. She is extremely gorgeous and turns heads whenever we walk downtown. But once she saw Heather was tall and not ugly, she was convinced I thought she was hot. I kept telling her she was just a colleague and that I had no interest in her. Regardless, she would greet her coldly or not at all if she saw my colleagues. Our home and jobs are located downtown so we usually walk to meet up with each other after work. My wife would start dressing up a lot more than usual when she'd come to meet me and make a big show of jumping on me and stuff. She works at a very nice bakery and usually brings leftovers from work for us or people. At my job. She always gave things out to everyone and except Heather. Eventually Heather picked up on the hostility and approached me to ask about why my wife was acting that way. I simply told her I didn't know, maybe because she didn't Know her as long as the other colleagues, and so she was distant. She seemed to accept that, but would no longer leave at the same time as everyone else and would either go early or hang back. Brian, another coworker, approached me on Friday and asked to talk to me privately. He told me he had been at lunch with Kate, the co worker in question, and she had gone to pay for the food. She left her phone on the table. It lit up with a text, and he saw it was from Valerie, my wife's name. The text basically said, quote, did you see him talking to her today? What did he say then? Do you think Heather is going to stay at that job long? When Kate came back to the table, he asked her if that was Valerie, as in my wife. She got a deer in headlights look and said, oh, yeah, we text sometimes. We're friends. He said he thought it was weird because she put her phone in her purse without even checking the messages he had asked about, and then she just wanted to go. I went home and I snooped on my wife's phone. I know it was wrong, but I had a feeling that if I asked her, she would deny it or become defensive and not show me the phone. There were weeks worth of texts that basically were little reports on what went on at work. If Heather talked to me, what we talked about, did she hug me goodbye? Did she touch me at all? Did I laugh at her jokes? Did the guys think she was hot? Did I join in with them? Did I look like I was flirting? Kate was also apparently talking up Valerie at work to Heather. She made sure to mention often we were married, how great Valerie, my wife, was, how long we'd been together. I even read one that said, quote, I told her val works in a bakery. I bet if anyone tried to steal her husband, she'd just chop them up and bake them into a pie. Ha ha. Which was pretty fucking creepy. A lot of things started coming together then. Heather was much more distant lately. She seemed hesitant to say goodbye at the end of the day. We used to talk casually like everyone else at work, but now she would just say hi and bye mostly. I've been sitting on this information all weekend. Today at work, I could hardly look at Heather for shame of it, and I couldn't look at Kate for my disgust. I haven't been able to approach my wife about this because I just don't know how or what to say. I feel frustrated and very much weirded out. I feel gross too, like I've had my every move watched without knowing It. And as if just talking to a coworker is doing something wrong. I haven't talked to anyone else about this, not even Brian, who first mentioned it. I don't know what to do from here. I don't even know what this means for our relationship. It feels like something big has changed because I haven't even been able to look at her the same way. And all of my interactions with her since Friday have been kind of forced and faked. I need to talk to her and figure out what to do. Any advice would be appreciated. I feel very lost right now.

[Mikaela]

This is a big one.

[Matt]

This is insane.

[Mikaela]

This is a big one. This isn't just, oh, I was insecure in this. This turned into a serious deal. I know exactly what Jerry would say.

[Matt]

My dad, keeping score.

[Mikaela]

As soon as you're keeping score, the game's over. So in my mind, it's like, well, first of all, the pie thing. She's not a butcher.

[Matt]

That was so weird.

[Mikaela]

She's not Dexter. Gonna chop you up and then bake you into a pie.

[Matt]

Oh, my God. Why are you threatening your coworker?

[Mikaela]

Who comes up with that? You watch. She's watching way too much True Crime. Okay. Because we've been watching a lot of True Crime.

[Matt]

We have.

[Mikaela]

And she. She's watching more than us.

[Matt]

I'll tell you right now, the Four Clues episodes I recorded last week are really good. And. Yeah.

[Mikaela]

Would you come up with that?

[Matt]

No, I wouldn't threaten my co worker. To me, that's a threat. Oh, if someone steals her husband, she'll bake him up in a pie.

[Mikaela]

Like, how did Kate get so radicalized from her? All of a sudden?

[Matt]

Kate's gone goofy too.

[Mikaela]

I. I'm curious what Valerie told her to. I don't know. But overall, this is a serious relationship problem, because now it's a total trust problem. You clearly don't trust me. What if, outside of work, Heather was just a friend of his? Genuinely a friend. I mean, we're talking. This has just wider, you know, ramifications than it does just with this one person.

[Matt]

I agree.

[Mikaela]

Because this is any person that she feels threatened by. Going forward, it's gonna be an issue.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Mikaela]

And then to have people. Yeah, it's. I don't know. I'd be. I'd be in a. I don't know what I'd do. I'm like. I don't even know what to say right now. I can't come up with the words because I can't imagine being in that position. And I Don't know what. What I would do.

[Matt]

There's so many things wrong with it because I think not only does your partner not trust you, clearly very insecure, but also is malicious. Is almost like stalking this person through this co worker, which is weird. And the co worker is also seemingly a stalker. But it's like for this wife to bake all these things for people and give everyone something. But Heather, this is a cruel, vindictive, malicious person. Like, there's so many issues you can take from this one problem. And no matter which way you spin it, the wife is not looking good, not looking very sane. Clearly needs to go to therapy and work through some big issues.

[Mikaela]

Because then couples therapy at this. I mean, it's.

[Matt]

This is couples therapy would be. That's the bare minimum.

[Mikaela]

Yeah.

[Matt]

The bare minimum.

[Mikaela]

It needs to be like, coupled in with that.

[Matt]

Yeah. Because this is just something like. Personally, I don't think I would be able to get past, like, to know that my partner does not trust me in the slightest. That I can't even go to work and not be monitored throughout my whole entire day.

[Mikaela]

And, you know, as it reads and as we're assuming, he's done nothing wrong.

[Matt]

True.

[Mikaela]

And if you've genuinely.

[Matt]

Very true.

[Mikaela]

If you genuinely have done nothing wrong and this is how your partner's treating you and. And your colleagues, that's tough to come back from.

[Matt]

I don't.

[Mikaela]

That's why I'm so curious. What. What does that look like going forward? I'm trying to put us in that category. Even though it would be a crazy thing for us to end up in that position. But, I mean, I don't, like, I would. Wouldn't want to lose you, but that's just. I don't know where you'd go.

[Matt]

No. I'd love for some counselors. I'm really stuck counselors to maybe chime in on this one. Like, if you're a therapist out there was your hypothetical couple. Like, where would you go from here? Like, this is the roach motel. Like, this is a tough hole to dig your way out of. That's for sure.

[Mikaela]

This feels like first relationship 18 to 22 type of insecurity.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Mikaela]

You know, where we. We've seen. Had a lot of stories with that, but it. It's not married. Been together for eight years in your 30s.

[Matt]

No. You know, this is insane. I just like, I don't have enough words to say, like, how serious this is. And it's like, oh, well, it's not, you know, this, this and this. Like, it could be so much worse. But, like, there's so much wrong with this. And the top comment seems to pick up on, like the outrage I feel because it says, this is outrageous. Your wife has completely undermined you in a professional capacity and allowed her insecurities to jeopardize your career. I, I would be infuriated. First things first. I would tell your wife that you know what has happened and that it is completely unacceptable. I would then organize marriage counseling for her to work through her insecurities and for you to help rebuild your trust in her. Let's get this straight. She has let you down here. She has broken your trust. She needs to apologize and work to change this gross behavior fast or I would be hot footing it out of there real quick.

[Mikaela]

I guess the first test really is when you bring it up, how does she react? If it's deny, deny, deny, deny, then you kind of know where you're headed. You have a tough hill to climb.

[Matt]

I think at that point. If it's deny, deny, deny, I'd be seeking separation.

[Mikaela]

Right?

[Matt]

Because it's giving unhinged, borderline, real bad behavior.

[Mikaela]

It's giving like a different version of the show you without the killing. It's giving like the stalking aspect.

[Matt]

She is, yeah, fully. She is stalking. She is stalking poor Heather.

[Mikaela]

And it's not, it doesn't matter that she's not the one in the parking lot peering through the windows.

[Matt]

She might be. Well, I wouldn't put it past this girl, but it's.

[Mikaela]

It's like that because you're doing it through someone else. And it is true. I mean, that puts you in such an awkward position at work. And also just poor Heather from the beginning, just starting her career, just coming into this, trying to do her best, trying to be part of this team, work on this project, and she's met with all this crazy ass shit like that would be very discouraging.

[Matt]

No, it's really, really unfortunate. And someone does reply to the top comment and get into that. Let's not forget the potential undermining of Heather's career as well. Assuming OP is being truthful about his interactions and feelings, or lack thereof with Heather. This poor woman is being ostracized at work for no other reason than her looks. That's despicable of your wife to cause such disruption to an innocent woman. She should be ashamed of herself.

[Mikaela]

And it just sounds so wild that I'm scared we see the other side of it at some point. We do get. Although it'd be hard to trust, but we get the wife's perspective. And it's. I saw this. I saw him texting, calling late night. I saw them at leave this place, dinner together. I don't know. We don't have her side, but that's what makes this hard. Right? Because you never know. But I think assuming that we're trusting the write in as it is, it's crazy. It's crazy.

[Matt]

I feel like, honestly, he might be going easy on the write in. In how bad this probably really is because this is his wife. He loves her. I'm sure there's other details that were, like, worse.

[Mikaela]

Yeah.

[Matt]

That op's not sharing.

[Mikaela]

Yeah.

[Matt]

And I would hope that he would do everything within his power to make this right for Heather at work. I don't know if you could even involve hr, because, like, it's your wife. And if you tell HR your wife is targeting a co worker, like, that's your job on the line. So, like, I don't know where you should go.

[Mikaela]

Yeah.

[Matt]

I don't know if you go to Heather and just, like, apologize for making her feel awkward. Like, clearly Heather has picked up on this. Your wife should not be invited to any happy hours with your co workers any longer. Like, there needs to be distance and separation, and that is the punishment for the way she's acted.

[Mikaela]

I mean, especially.

[Matt]

That is just the consequence of her.

[Mikaela]

Actions, and especially until you figure out your own relationship at this point.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Mikaela]

New fear.

[Matt]

Really?

[Mikaela]

Well, it's just like, oh, my God. I just. In my life at this age, new fear. I cannot.

[Matt]

I would not do this.

[Mikaela]

No, that's not what I'm saying. I'm just saying at this age, I cannot imagine dealing with a partner that's that insecure. I just. I don't have the capacity for that in my life at this point. There was a time. Sure, there was a time, but just not now. I. That feels like I'd be going so far backward and that we would be going so far backward because I don't ever see us in that.

[Matt]

No, never. This would never be me. I love making friends. I love humans. I think everyone's beautiful in their own way. Like, I just really would never, ever be threatened by someone else. And, like, in my head, I'm like, if someone else can take you, then I don't want you.

[Mikaela]

Exactly. Trust someone until they show you they can't be trusted.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Mikaela]

Don't go. Find a reason.

[Matt]

Don't go fishing.

[Mikaela]

You're ruining it for yourself.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Mikaela]

Look at how it's backfiring.

[Matt]

You know, Op does have a couple of comments. I'm going to bring up counseling today when I get home from work and talk to her about this. I think a counselor would be great help in this situation. Someone to mediate and guide us through navigating this issue and the underlying issues that cause this.

[Mikaela]

The fact that OP is even considering trying to work it out makes me even think further that he's done absolutely nothing to even cause any sort of suspicion. No, I'm feeling there's no wrongdoing because someone very truthful, someone who would be like guilty of something, would probably just break it off. They wouldn't want to try and work things out. I don't know. We'll see.

[Matt]

I know we shall see indeed. Because we got an update.

[Mikaela]

Oh wow. Okay.

[Matt]

So what I didn't mention is this post is a little vintage. This is coming from 2016 so update which comes two days after the original post. Good says this. First off, I would like to thank everyone for their responses and for taking the time to give me advice. I did not expect the 300 comments or so I received, so please don't take it personally if I didn't reply to yours. On to the update. I took the general advice and confronted my wife and used therapy as a non negotiable term. So Tuesday when I posted, I saw Kate at work and bluntly said, quote, you don't need to report on me today or any day after this. I'll be talking to my wife after I'm done today. She got this blank look on her face and said she didn't know what I meant, but I noticed her hanging around significantly less than usual after that. Yeah, I did my best to focus on my work, but I asked to go home early because it was just impossible with everything looming ahead of me for me to even concentrate. I went home and texted my wife that I was home early and I needed to talk to her when she was done with work so to please come home right away. I got a bunch of what's going on, what's wrong? Text but just kept telling her that I'd talked to her at home. She got home and I got straight into it right away. I told her I knew about the text with Kate, about the spying, the harassment of Heather. She was mad at first and kept adamantly saying she did nothing wrong and if I had nothing to hide then why did it matter? I told her to please not play me for a fool and outlined all of the things her behavior meant like a lack of trust and sheer vindictiveness I brought up the consequences, like my damaged trust and drama in the workplace. I also brought up how my job could be at risk because of this. She made a point to say they couldn't fire me without also removing Heather stun, as she'd say she was being inappropriate towards a married man in the workplace and Kate would back her up.

[Mikaela]

This is done, right? Then this is done, okay? If I'm in that position, it's exactly.

[Matt]

What we talked about that's giving Psychopath.

[Mikaela]

Yeah.

[Matt]

That brought us to a heated argument and it ended with her crying and me yelling. She started asking, quote, who the fuck is Heather to you that you give so much of a shit anyways? And derailed into this whole thing about me caring too much about someone I claimed meant nothing to me. I don't want to get into too much detail because this would be extremely long, but the conversation was a good five to six hours long. It ended with her agreeing to go to couples therapy and individual if the couples therapist so deemed it. She apologized to me a lot and admitted that she'd been acting out of jealousy and anger towards Heather. She asked if I wanted her to apologize to Heather in person, but I said no. I didn't want there to be more drama. I watched as she texted Kate and told her to stop and that she was sorry for dragging her into it. She gave me the password to her phone for transparency, but I told her it was pointless, as if she really wanted to continue. She could just delete the text before I saw them or change the name or whatever. I told her I expected her to keep her word to stop because if I got any indication that this was still going on after our talk, that I would separate from her I and file for divorce. Yesterday morning, things still seemed tense, but it was to be expected. She still kissed me before going to work and we had normal text conversations on our commute. I get to work and Kate apologizes to me and I accept it, but tell her our work relationship from here on out is forever changed and there's no going back from it. I tell her that beyond work conversation, we have nothing else to talk about. She accepted it and went on to start the day. Lunch rolls in. I ask Brian if he'll let me buy him lunch and thank him for telling me. We go to have lunch and he asked me if I've heard Heather put in a request for a transfer. Apparently on Tuesday, when I left early, Heather asked why I wasn't at my desk because she had brought over the week's project booklet and had seen me there earlier. Kate, of all people, told her that I had gone home to, quote, deal with personal issues. When Heather asked her if everything was all right, Kate told her that she hoped so because, quote, I don't want to see someone come between Valerie and Op's marriage. There must have been a bit more to the exchange because Heather went all the way up to our boss's boss and asked for a transfer to a different department. I feel extremely embarrassed because without a doubt I feel like that guy now in the office. I know Brian isn't a gossip, but of course people will ask why Heather transferred and without a doubt it will eventually get out. People who used to talk to me casually will probably stop. The women of the office will feel as if they need to keep their distance and I feel so ashamed that I can't even approach Heather to apologize for the stress this must have caused her. I doubt she would even want to see my face at this point. So yes, wife has agreed to counseling both couples and individual apologized to me all those things, but the damage is now done and I feel like complete shit about work now. I guess I shouldn't have been so naive to think that just fixing this with my wife would make everything else go away. Anyways, thank you for all the advice. I was feeling very at sea before writing this post. I still feel a bit lost as far as how to deal with the fallout of all of this, but at least I have one part of it sorted or on its way to being sorted, so that's positive.

[Mikaela]

The crazy thing about it is, really is that you are in some ways tied to what your partner does. Inevitably. You know, the wife did all of this, instigated every piece of it. You were just doing your thing, going to work, doing your job. But now you have to deal with the consequences of what she did. And you know, when you become like married with someone or even maybe before in one way or another, you're kind of tied to their actions. And that's scary. I mean, but that's also part of the commitment, I guess. I also think it's probably good that Heather did that because she can start fresh somewhere and not be because it would be hard in her shoes to go forward and just kind of try to keep doing your thing when you know there's this whole dynamic in the background going on. I'd want to get out of there too. I'd be like, next office, how far do I need to drive? I know, and I'm going to, you know, Keep doing my thing. And yeah, he's awkwardly now has to navigate this new work situation because of his wife. So I wonder how much that'll take a toll going forward. As good as couples counseling and all that can be, you have to deal with the effects of this for however long.

[Matt]

I don't know if they'll ever get back from this. I would have a hard time. I would always feel like I'm looking over my shoulder. I wouldn't want my wife involved with any of my co workers. No more holiday parties for you, missy. But I'm curious if anyone else feels this way. But I don't feel like OP is really doing enough in regards to making things right with Heather. I feel like OP should apologize. And I wish there was like an HR person in my head to like, tell me the way you can apologize without getting in trouble. But like, hey, like, I'm sorry if things have been uncomfortable. Like, I just want you to know, like, you do not have to transfer on my behalf. I've really enjoyed working with you. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Like, I do think it needs to be said, like, hey, if you want this job, you don't have to transfer because what if this is Heather's dream job? What if she's taking a downgrade in pay or title if she's transferring? Like, Heather should not have to do that.

[Mikaela]

And I hard to come back though, once she's already made the ask.

[Matt]

It is. But they might not be able to accommodate Heather. Like, and I get this post is vintage, but like, if anyone else is out there in this situation, like, if you're the Heather in this situation, you shouldn't be penalized for no fault of your own for something that doesn't have quite literally anything to do with you.

[Mikaela]

But that is the interesting part about life. It comes up in so many different ways. Oh, it's frustrating that you end up in very, very tough situations out of none of your own doing and sometimes for, you know, the betterment of, of your work life and for your mental health. Sometimes it sucks. But you make the choice to. To change like that.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Mikaela]

Because it's just you. You get out of all that even though you did nothing to be in that position.

[Matt]

Absolutely.

[Mikaela]

So that's tricky one. Yes. She shouldn't have to. None of this is on her. It's totally unfair. But that's the crazy part about life is you end up with things that are so unfair. But just you, you look at the bigger picture and you say, I'd be happier doing this and get out of this mess. Sucks. I hate that, but I know.

[Matt]

It's just this whole thing just really pisses me off. Top comment on the update has since been deleted. A lot of people responding to it, though. I hope it was worth it to her because she fucked up his job and his work relationships and made a woman request to transfer to a different apartment. I feel so horrible for Heather. Christ, if that hasn't put her off or ruined her job for her, it'll be fucking miserable. Valerie won and that's so fucking disappointing.

[Mikaela]

True. Literally, she got what she wanted. At the end of the day, I know. Oh, I hope someone comes in in and replaces Heather and is like just right on that same level and just had the wife has to face that.

[Matt]

I just think OP needs to be done. Especially because this comment, we haven't picked apart this yet, but the next top comment does quote, she made a point to say they couldn't fire me without also removing Heather, as she would say she was being inappropriate towards a married man in the workplace and Kate would back her up. Am I reading that right? Am I reading that as her respect for you is so little, that the primary goal is taking down Heather, and if that means taking you down in the process, then so be it. This is bad. This is bad, bad. You are staring a lot of therapy in the face here, like years. If things get better from it, then great. But this is deeply rooted stuff with many layers and is not going to be an easy fix. And that, that again, speaks to that vindictiveness, that cruelness. So you're willing to lie to get an innocent woman fired because you're so insecure about yourself, because you don't trust your partner. And I don't care if OP did cheat. I don't care if OP cheated 10 times. If you don't trust him after that, that's your choice to stay with that person. But to take some innocent person out, no, that's on you. Beyond batshit.

[Mikaela]

So, right. With all that, OP should take all that, understand that. Be like, yeah, maybe it's. Maybe it's too big of a hill to climb.

[Matt]

Maybe it's time. Maybe it is time.

[Mikaela]

Man, oh, man.

[Matt]

Okay, gonna move on to this next one.

[Mikaela]

See, I like stories like that because then any problems that come up for us or just in regular life, you can think, oh, this isn't that bad. Look, it could be like this. We're good. We're good.

[Matt]

We're good.

[Mikaela]

Cheers.

[Matt]

We're good. Yeah, no, I. I feel the same way. I. I feel like that's what initially got me into reading Reddit stories. Like, in an odd way gave me this sense of like, I'm not alone in my chaos, like I can connect with these people out there and like, I'm.

[Mikaela]

And it could be so much worse.

[Matt]

I'm going through a similar issue where, hey, oh, that's a little worse than where I'm at. But like, let me comment, let me try to help. Yeah, we're all in this together.

[Mikaela]

That's what makes Reddit so cool. Even if it's like, hey, my car is having this issue. A million people will comment, be like, I think it's this. Try this. And it's all genuine ass advice. It's just real, genuine people. There's probably haters and shit on there, but I'm saying there's real, genuine people trying to just help everyone in the smallest and the biggest things. That's great.

[Matt]

Absolutely. Okay, moving on to this next one now. This episode is brought to you by Shopify. When I started this podcast, I had no idea how I was going to get merch in all of your hands. Shopify. They made it so easy to get a store set up and let you guys shop. Having a good partner is the key to success. And if you're running an e commerce business, Shopify makes a great business partner. They have the tools to start and grow your business from designing a website to marketing and beyond. Turn your big business idea into Sign up for your $1 per month trial and start selling today at shopify.com THT this episode is brought to you by State Farm. Just like giving a take on this show, there's a lot of options to choose from and it can be hard. State Farm has options to choose from to help you find coverage that best fits your needs. A lot easier than picking a good take. So talk to a State Farm agent today to learn how you can choose to bundle and save with the personal price plan. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there. Prices are based on rating plans that vary by state. Coverage options are selected by the customer. Availability, amount of discounts and savings and eligibility vary by state. Okay, so this next one is coming from our very own Too Hot Takes subreddit 10 hours old titled I told my sister she's not allowed to drop off her baby at my place anymore. Now she's playing victim. Okay, I, 28, female, am fully prepared for the pitchforks if I'm actually being an asshole here, but I'm seriously over it. My older sister, 31, female, had a baby eight months ago and ever since, I've apparently become her backup daycare. No convo, no warning, just texts like, hey, I'm dropping Layla off for a few hours and then she's gone for six to seven hours. At first I didn't mind. I love my niece and I figured postpartum is rough. But this turned into a weekly thing. And then twice a week, sometimes three. I'd come home from work, literally still in my scrubs, and my sister would already be on my couch, halfway out the door with a quote, you don't mind, right? Like question mark, question mark, question mark. When did I agree to this? The final straw was two weekends ago. I had a rare weekend off, was planning to do nothing but sleep, clean binge shows, maybe even be Sad in peace. LOL. My sister texted me at 9am saying, Coming over in 20, need a break. I said, quote, hey, actually not today. I really need some time to myself. Her response, question mark, quote, you live alone, you have time to yourself every day, y'. All. I saw red. I told her point blank I'm not her babysitter and that she can't just decide I'm free because I'm single and childless. I said, I love her and Layla, but I'm not going to be guilted into parenting someone else's kid on demand.

[Mikaela]

Yes.

[Matt]

She started crying, told our mom, I, quote, hate being an aunt. And now half my family's giving me passive aggressive quote, must be nice to have free time. Comments.

[Mikaela]

Oh, God, no.

[Matt]

Like, I didn't work six days straight last week. Like I don't have my own mental health to manage. So am I the bad guy for setting a boundary here? Should I have just sucked it up and helped because she's family? I'm genuinely torn, but also low key, annoyed as fuck.

[Mikaela]

No, people abuse the shit out of the. Oh, but your family. No, I don't. Are you. This is okay. We're not just backup babysitter. We are a full time babysitter. Yeah, we're full time.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Mikaela]

And the second you. I mean, you've been so incredibly nice. Overly nice, too nice. And the second you just say, sorry, not today, I need time for myself. Then all of a sudden you're.

[Matt]

This is a big power struggle. She's trying to strong arm op, take advantage and you're on the money. Like, this is not babysitting three days a week, sometimes dropping her child off for six to seven hours. And I get it, she needs a break. But hey, this other family, that's Piping in. Can't stay out of this business. Can't shut their mouths. They can step up and watch little Layla.

[Mikaela]

This is when I pick up and I move to Iceland. I think that's my. This. This just got me there. This is me packing up everything, applying to a hospital in Reykjavik and I'm moving. I'm out. If you need me, I'll be at least. At least six hours away by plane. By plane?

[Matt]

Yeah. I mean, I don't think. Op. Yeah. If you want to move to Iceland, it's magical, beautiful, Love it there.

[Mikaela]

But you want me to babysit? Send baby on a plane. Okay. Six hours. Good luck.

[Matt]

I feel like this is a great start and I would start responding to people. Hey, it's so great you think I have free time, but you know, I don't. But if you happen to have free time, my sister would really appreciate your babysitting services. I'm sure.

[Mikaela]

I like that.

[Matt]

I'd start putting it back in their court to be like, hey, I appreciate you, you know, trying to lock in a babysitter for Layla. I'm unavailable. But if you want to offer your services, my sister would really appreciate that.

[Mikaela]

Yeah. Because aren't you retired and just, you know, watch tv? Yeah. Okay.

[Matt]

No, I'm.

[Mikaela]

Honestly, I like that. But I'm not responding right away. Yeah, I'm just going dark. I am off the grid. I'm not responding to damn person. Nope. No, thanks. I'm in. I'm taking my weekend now for sure. I am locking my doors. She ain't getting no key no more. Okay.

[Matt]

No.

[Mikaela]

What the. On the couch already walking out like you are being this. Oh, because its family is being abused.

[Matt]

That's a power struggle. It is totally taken advantage.

[Mikaela]

No, this.

[Matt]

It's times like this you're thankful you don't have siblings.

[Mikaela]

Yeah. Oh, my God. And then to run to my siblings.

[Matt]

Would never do this, though.

[Mikaela]

But then she runs to mommy, mom, guess what.

[Matt]

Like, hey, Layla, go hang with grandma.

[Mikaela]

And then pulled the being a bad aunt car doesn't want to be a good aunt. Whatever it was, it's strange.

[Matt]

No top comment has been deleted. Next top comment. Do the rest of the family members work seven full days a week? No. Then they have some free time too. Must be nice. Change your locks.

[Mikaela]

Yeah.

[Matt]

OP responds. Thank you. That's exactly what I've been thinking. I'm not the only one with free time. I'm just the only one they expect to say yes every time. Must be nice. Is wild. When I'm the One getting run into.

[Mikaela]

The ground and like, I just, I can see the sister if she doesn't come back down to earth. This causing an issue between what could be such a beautiful aunt niece relationship. I don't know. I. I don't know how you navigate this. I think you have to set your boundary 100%. But then, you know, in the long run, hopefully she just understands not to take advantage of you so you can build that relationship.

[Matt]

Yeah. No, I think this is a growing pain that needs to be worked through.

[Mikaela]

Like you decide to have a kid. So be a parent.

[Matt]

Yeah. Kids are not accessories. Like, kids are not accessories. You know, everyone needs a break. Every parent needs to focus on their mental health as well. It's okay to ask for help, but there's a difference between asking for some help and fully taking advantage and then guilt tripping someone and trying to assert this weird dominance over them by involving other family and creating a circus. Yeah, no, no, but top comment. Op did respond to. I feel like it was kind of in regards to like, them and other family members, like stepping in and getting involved in the drama. Because Op goes right, it's always the people doing nothing who got the most to say. Like, if y' all are so worried about my niece not getting enough attention, feel free to clear your own schedules. Until then, I'm not going to feel bad for having boundaries. Opie is with it. I love this for you. I think you're.

[Mikaela]

I don't love this situation for you.

[Matt]

But no, I love the fact that you're setting boundaries and like really not falling victim to the guilt trip and these passive aggressive comments. Because when a whole family starts coming at you, it's easy to think you're in the wrong.

[Mikaela]

Yeah.

[Matt]

But you're holding true to your guns and I really appreciate that. Moving along. Keep us posted. I'd love an update. Love an update. This episode is brought to you by HelloFresh. Spring is here and wow, has it been busy. I've been doing lots of yard work, wedding planning, starting a new podcast, and I don't really have a lot of time for meal planning, grocery shopping, and then also cooking. Which is why I love HelloFresh. They take so many steps of having a good, delicious meal out of the equation. For me, HelloFresh makes meal times easy. They deliver fresh produce, seasonal snacks and treats, and delicious recipes straight to my door. And they even have ready made meals. These are chef crafted dishes that are ready to eat in three minutes and you're not sacrificing on taste. Health or quality. Now this is right up my alley. Feel great with meals that fit your spring schedule and make the season even more delicious? Go to hellofresh.com hot takes10fm now to get 10 free meals with a free item for life. One per box with active subscription free meals applied as discount on first box. New subscribers only. Varies by plan. This episode is brought to you by Sol de Janeiro. So here it is, the new Body Battalata lotion from Sol de Janeiro inspired by Brazilian beach culture. Let's see why everyone is raving about it. Okay, trying the lotion on. I'm chronically dry, so my skin is loving this fast, absorbing and not leaving me sticky, which I think is crucial from a lotion. Nothing worse than being sticky after. And it's in their iconic Shearosa 62 scent. It's fresh. It smells so good. And I think my favorite part might be that this has 24 hours of non stop weightless daily hydration. So no having to freshen up on it every couple of hours. And my skin looks amazing. It's got a nice soft glow. Okay, I'm sold. If you're ready to try it for yourself, the new Body Baudelata by Sol de Janeiro should be your new lotion obsession. I know it's gonna be my staple going forward. Give it a try. You know you wanna. New Body Bottleada by Sol de Janeiro. Shop now at sephora and soldegenero.com trigger warning on this next one, friends. It does have to do with a story that talks about a very toxic, abusive dynamic in a relationship. So if you feel that's triggering for you today, please skip ahead. Markers will be in the description. This next one, I'm very confused by it. I haven't really read the full post. I read the title clearly. Seemed like a little bit of a power dynamic thing. So we're getting into it.

[Mikaela]

Let's do it.

[Matt]

This is coming from relationship advice 22 hours old, titled My 30 Female Boyfriend, 37 Male, uses my poor eyesight and glasses as a part of sex. I've been with my boyfriend for a couple of years now. On the surface, we have a good relationship and he ticks so many of my boxes. My friends love him, my parents love him, and they always say how lucky I am to have found him. But there's one aspect that's been bothering me for years and I'm finally realizing how much it's impacted me. I'm extremely nearsighted. My prescription is -14/negative 15, and without my glasses, I can't see my hand if it's an arm lengths away. So I'm basically blind and dependent on visual aids to function. Over the years, my boyfriend and I have somehow developed a norm in our relationship that taking off my glasses becomes his way of initiating sex or intimacy. He never asked or said anything. He would just remove my glasses. I've asked if I can please keep them on for the time being, but he doesn't listen. Sometimes he takes them away before I'm even awake. If I reach for my glasses and they're not on my nightstand, I already know what's coming. Afterwards, he gives them back, and it's become our unspoken pattern. Now that part I don't mind much. I can put these down as his kinks. But the part that bothers me are the times where he's held onto them as a part of foreplay and making me beg in a way he found playful and teases me on how thick my glasses are. I hated it. It's demeaning and makes me feel a little humiliated about my eyesight. It stopped feeling okay a long time ago. The more I think about it, the more I realize he's always in control. When it starts, when it ends, and when I get to see again. A few days ago, I finally said something I told him very nicely. I didn't want my glasses to be part of our sex life anymore. And what's been happening made me feel vulnerable, like he was taking advantage of my dependence on them. I even said it was starting to feel like he was exploiting a disability. I literally can't function without them on my face. It's not kinky, it's just disabling. He got defensive, immediately, told me I was accusing him of something horrible and attacking his character. We argued and fought for hours, both of us angry, and eventually went to bed without resolving it. The next morning when I woke up, my glasses were gone. When I asked for them, he said, quote, since you think I've been taking advantage of your disability, I let's see how it really feels to be disabled. Wow. I am fucking gobsmacked. And he left the house. I eventually found them in the kitchen with one of the arms broken and one of the lenses had fallen out. And after crying myself back to sleep, I spent the day trying to fix them. Now I'm here, typing with them crooked on my nose, one hand holding the frame together to keep the lenses in place, trying to figure out what just happened. I genuinely love this man, and he's been amazing in so many ways. But for some reason, he needs me to be blind and powerless to be intimate with me. And I've lost trust and sense of safety. However, a part of me really wants to fix this, move on, make this work. How can I approach this going forward?

[Mikaela]

Mm. Mm. The man you love and want to fix this with is not. Is not the person who he is. No, this is. This is not.

[Matt]

You're seeing a facade to deliberately take your glasses in the morning and say, let's really see how disabled you are and break them.

[Mikaela]

Well, yeah. So honestly, when we got there, I wasn't super shocked because we were going downhill fast. The first part that was actually just insane was the statement of. And this is building. Right. So we started with. This has been going on for years. I've been uncomfortable with it for years. I spoke up and tried to say something about it, and it's just never been taken seriously. And then it was like the beginning of a horror film. Felt like a trailer.

[Matt]

It did.

[Mikaela]

Or not. A horror. Yeah.

[Matt]

Horror film. No, this feels like a horror film.

[Mikaela]

Horror film. I get horror and the other one mix up. But the horror, like, freak out, jump scare was when it was. Sometimes I wake up and they're not on my nightstand and I know what's coming.

[Matt]

Ugh. That's not any way someone wants to be romanced and have lead into intimacy. That's disgusting.

[Mikaela]

I know what's coming.

[Matt]

No, he's using you. That is.

[Mikaela]

It sounds like a torture chamber.

[Matt]

That's not a relationship. That's not a loving partner that cares about your experience and your enjoyment as well. He is using you as a sex doll and he's giving you a warning by taking your glasses so you can't get away. This is so fucking scary. This is. This is bad.

[Mikaela]

I mean, it's abuse. It is from the start. Like, you. You are like, she's saying taking advantage of a disability. It's. She can't fucking see.

[Matt]

This is abuse. Like, I think if you change out any other, like, mobility aid, any sight aid, any other aid for someone that has a need, it would be very clear cut. Oh, my fiance moves my wheelchair every morning so I can't get up and go. And so we'll be intimate. No, And I get. There's probably a different level there. Like someone who is a wheelchair user, like, might be like, Morgan. That's so different. But like.

[Mikaela]

Yes, but we're putting it in the same category. It's a method of control.

[Matt]

It's a method of control. Yeah. That's what I'm trying to get a point, like, across. Like, it just feels. I mean, it is abuse. It is a method of control. It is him trying to gain power and manipulate and have op like defenseless and vulnerable. And that is sick.

[Mikaela]

It's not okay. If that's a kink of his and you're just like, oh, it must just be a kink of his. If that were a kink of yours, which I'm sure exists for sure, then that's. Then we're talking about a whole different story. But, but you said very early on in this write in, I am not comfortable with it. I've asked him not to do it anymore. And then the reaction is, oh, they're not there when you wake up. And, oh, they're destroyed in the kitchen. Good luck. I'm out of here. You now have to get up, find your glasses, and you're trying to fix them so you can fucking see so that then you can go about what you need to do.

[Matt]

Let me show you what it's really like to be disabled. Who the says and does that?

[Mikaela]

Like, my. My fears is. Is the last statement of this is, I really want to work this out. I love him. And like, I started with the person you love isn't the real person that's standing in front of you.

[Matt]

No.

[Mikaela]

There's something. And yeah. Your family says, oh, you're so lucky to met him. Someone can be a totally different person in front of other people in public and then be a total nightmare behind the scenes.

[Matt]

That's the mask he's wearing.

[Mikaela]

You're not looking at the person that you love. This isn't you. Look, it's two different people.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Mikaela]

And I hope that becomes clear to you because this, there. This isn't the last step. This isn't gonna stop.

[Matt]

No. And it's not gonna escalate.

[Mikaela]

Yes. Holy. It's scary. You need to be able to find a way to get there mentally on your own. Whatever course of action that takes. I hope you get there and then exit safely as you can, because it's giving. Like, this is dangerous. This is dangerous. It's just scary.

[Matt]

What's really scary too. I, like, had to scroll back up and I'm like, how. Wait, how long have they been together? They've been together a couple of years now.

[Mikaela]

It's been going on the whole time.

[Matt]

I know, but I. It is like, it's. It's seeming based on the post that this is like the first time OP has like, really, really been like, okay, enough is enough. Like, we're done here with this. And so that like pushback from OP really sends him spiraling where he like is gonna show his true colors now. Like, yes, that's what's scary. Like he's just been waiting. He's just been like waiting in the wings to snap. And it's just like God, like you think you know someone and like he, he's 37. Op is 30. Like at that age, like age gap isn't as bad. It's not as concerning. Like it's fine.

[Mikaela]

But you know who he is because a 37 year old, 37 year olds fully developed. They're not changing, right?

[Matt]

No Top comment. This is abusive and dangerous behavior. He's purposefully disabling you, making you powerless and flat out ignoring your nose. This is no different to him tying you up against your will. The fact that his reaction to you telling him you felt vulnerable was to actively make you more vulnerable and dependent on him makes this an incredibly dangerous person. Next comment down. This I cannot impress on OP enough how abusive and wrong her boyfriend's actions are. Instead of him saying, oh my God, I'm so sorry baby, of course you can have your glasses. Why didn't you say something sooner? God, I feel terrible. He showed her who he really is. I feel ill reading this. Op, you need to make your plans to leave. He's already escalated to breaking the very device you need to be safe physically and emotionally. He could use this against you to do real physical harm to you. Do you have family you can stay with?

[Mikaela]

God, yeah. You almost think, like, do I need. And this is assuming you continue in the relationship. You almost start to think, do I need an emergency backup pair of glasses that only I know where they are.

[Matt]

Yes.

[Mikaela]

And if you're thinking about. But if you, if you have to.

[Matt]

Get to that length, it's terrible. Scary. No one should ever be in that position. But until you can have a safe exit plan.

[Mikaela]

Yes.

[Matt]

And get out. Yes, that might need to occur. Like I hope you can just go stay with family. Like I hope you can get out today. Tomorrow. This post is only 1 day old. 1 day old. We have no comments from OP, no update. This is a very real account. It's a part of the two year club verified email. So it's giving real like other posts that I'm seeing are from Ask Reddit. How would you have died if you lived in the 18th century? What are bad traits you inherited from your parent? First post was two years ago. Next post was seven months ago. Like OP is a continuous Reddit user over the past two years not making a bunch of fake post. This is real without a doubt in my mind.

[Mikaela]

Well, and the fact that if that.

[Matt]

Comes back to bite me in the ass, I'm so sorry, but quacking like a duck.

[Mikaela]

Yeah. And with the way it ended, seeming that there's some hope in the relationship. OP may just honestly be in shock reading all the responses.

[Matt]

Absolutely.

[Mikaela]

And slowly starting to understand the gravity of. In the scary and the abusiveness of this. And that might be like, holy shit, oh my God. And then you start to get really freaked out and scared. So, like, I'm not faulting that we don't have any other update or anything, but I'm just, I'm like, I'm just. The fact of when you said it's one day old, that's probably what's happening right now. And I just can't imagine. But thank God, like it's happening now and not anytime later. And in any more ser. It's already so serious and scary. So there's an opportunity to, you know, hopefully get out and. And rid yourself of this and now go forward and find someone that would never do that. You know, like, it's, ah, just.

[Matt]

I know. It's freaks me out. I had another story that really freaks me out, and I don't know if I want to get into it. It's another story that involves sex. It also has to do with a magician, and we started off this episode asking for a magician.

[Mikaela]

Oh, my God.

[Matt]

I know. And now I'm like, Michaela sent me this story and it is.

[Mikaela]

I mean, we're already here.

[Matt]

We're already here. We're already here. I know. I'm so sorry. We're gonna get into it and then we're gonna end. I promise we're gonna end on a good note today. Somewhat. Somewhat of a good note. Okay. This episode is brought to you by Cash App. When you've got to split a check, you just want it to be easy. But, you know, sometimes it doesn't work out that way. You have to wait days for the money to finally show up in your account. And nobody's got time for that. It's your money. Or if you're like me, maybe you've accidentally sent money to the wrong person and had no way to get it back. Cash App is here to help. Cash App is the fast, safe and easy way to send and receive money. And it is super, super easy to set up. You just enter your phone or email. No bank account needed. There's no waiting around for days. It's your money. You shouldn't have to wait and it is safe and secure. Cash App has your back so if you're ready to try for yourself for a limited time, only new Cash App users can use our exclusive code to earn some additional cash for deal. There's no catch. Just download Cash App and sign up. Use our exclusive referral code. Two hot takes in your profile. Send $5 to a friend within 14 days and you'll get $10 dropped right in your account. Terms apply. That's money. That's Cash App. This podcast is brought to you by Carvana.

[Mikaela]

Got a car to sell but no time to waste.

[Matt]

Hop on to Carvana.com to get a real offer for your car and sell seconds.

[Mikaela]

All you have to do is enter your license plate, answer a few quick questions and if you accept the offer, Carvana will pay you as soon as you hand the keys over. They even offer same day pickup in many cities. Save your time, score some cash and sell your car the convenient way to Carvana. Pickup times vary.

[Matt]

Fees may apply. Okay, trigger warning on this one. This does contain talks of sa, so please skip if you can't handle that. Markers will be in the description. Thank you. Okay, so this is coming from r relationshipadvice 14 days old titled I, 24 female, want to break up with my magician boyfriend, 27 male due to his inappropriate magic trick. My boyfriend, 27 male, and I, 24 female, have been together for one year and three months. Our relationship has been very loving but has started to get bumpy ever since we moved in together around our one year anniversary. A little backstory. I'm in college right now pursuing my master's degree in archeology while also working as a library clerk to earn money, whereas my boyfriend works as a magician for parties and events. Do not want this magician. Despite our different career paths, I've never had a problem with his career choice because it makes him happy. He has always found a way to make every day magical, which has been sweet. About 9ish months into our relationship, I had the opportunity to go on a two month archaeological excavation in another country for school.

[Mikaela]

Hell yeah.

[Matt]

Despite us becoming long distance, he had no problem with me going and he was very happy for me. He would send me gifts, letters and he even sent things for my colleagues in order to brighten up their days while we were doing long distance. We made plans to move into an apartment when I got back due to how much we missed each other and a few days after I returned we moved in together, which has been awful so far. Before living together, we would see each other a few times a week due to my busy schedule. But now that we live together, we see each other all the time, and he has started to do magic all the time. He will make my keys disappear as I'm trying to go to work or school. He tries to practice his card tricks on me while I'm doing homework. He makes the cleaning rig vanish when I ask him to clean. And he has recently done something that makes me want to end the relationship. I have never been in this serious of a relationship before, so I don't want to throw our loving relationship away just because of these bad few months. Last month we were getting steamy and he went down on me, which isn't unusual. While he was going down on me, he was saying some dirty talk here and there. I was lost in the moment for obvious reasons, but I snapped out of it when he said, oh, how did that get in there? And I watched him pull a coin from my crotch. He found the coin moment hilarious, but it just took me out of the moment and instantly made me annoyed, so we stopped. Later, I told him that doing magic in the bedroom made me literally dry up, so I asked him to keep that kind of magic out of the bedroom. He explained to me that he was trying to make me laugh slash have fun, and he didn't apologize for it. I talked with some friends of mine about it and they thought it was funny, so I figured that I was overreacting and needed to lighten up a bit. And he didn't do any magic tricks in the bedroom for the next few weeks. However, four days ago, we were having sex and he suddenly started to yell, ow. So I quickly got off of him and was asking what was wrong. He tells me, quote, I think there's something in you. Let me check. I laid on the bed like I was at a goddamn gyno because I trusted that if something was wrong, then he would find it. After like two minutes, he says, quote, oh, here it is. And I watched as he was pulling a long ribbon thing that kept going and going and going. It took a second for me to realize that it was one of his magic tools that he had purposely put in me while he was checking to see what he felt. He found it hilarious and couldn't stop laughing while he was pulling the string more and more, I ripped the thing out, and while doing it, I yelled at him for doing another magic trick like that. He even though I told him not to he told me that he was just adding more fun to our sex life and that he wanted to see what the magic trick would look like if it was coming out from a crotch. The original magic trick involves putting the coil thing in your own mouth and pulling out the plastic string. For a while I was pissed off, so I made him go stay at his parents house for the past few days. This morning I talked with him some more, but he still thinks that it's not a big deal. I get that he's a magician and that he loves magic, but I'm still upset about him breaking that boundary I'd set. I'm fine with his magic tricks 85% of the time, but sex is where I draw the line. I am demisexual, so I need to have a strong, trusting and close relationship with someone before I can even think about having sex with them. So him breaking my boundary has really hurt me and I've lost my trust in him. However, everyone I have talked to about the situation says that what he did was hilarious. And I've been told by multiple people that I'm overreacting, which is why I decided to go to Reddit. We have built a strong relationship and I really saw myself marrying him one day. I fully trusted him and now I don't know if I ever can again. Should we break up or can we fix this and stay together? I'm lost. So I appreciate any advice. Thank you.

[Mikaela]

I think fuck what everyone else thinks. This is a boundary you set and I wouldn't let other people convince you to not uphold that boundary when it's clearly broken. And yeah, just like the trigger warning, when you set a boundary that is sexual in nature and it is crossed, it becomes sexual assault.

[Matt]

Yep.

[Mikaela]

There's no. It's. It doesn't matter if it's a magic trick. Yes, magic tricks are usually fun and light hearted and whatever, but not when it crosses a boundary you set. Even the first one's just kind of like, what are you doing here? Is this a moment that's supposed to be funny to you? You want to make our sex life more funny? You said fun. But like, I don't know who would get turned on by being like, oh my God, you just pulled a coin out of me.

[Matt]

That's disgusting.

[Mikaela]

And where's that coin been?

[Matt]

That's exactly what I was thinking.

[Mikaela]

I don't understand.

[Matt]

This is like a BV UTI recipe. Like disgusting. And it's all about consent. As you said, not consenting essay. Like, that's what it equals. Like we can clearly identify that. And it's a kink I'm sure people would be into. But openly talk about it. Consent. Have consent from both people. Otherwise you do not proceed.

[Mikaela]

Especially once it's like it should have been talked about before the first time.

[Matt]

Absolutely.

[Mikaela]

And then once that happened, and she made it very clear, I'm not into this, I. You know, and. And then stuff at the end, I really need to be, like, secure and trusting in my partner before we even get to sexual things.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Mikaela]

And now I've made it clear I do not want this stuff. And you do that. And now you're all like, oh, I was just trying to make it fun. Like, how stupid do you have to be? I never, ever associated magic with anything sexual.

[Matt]

I did not either, but now I'm.

[Mikaela]

Just like, what the fuck is that about? It's just like, how clear do you have to be with someone that's supposed to be your partner, your teammate, and then it's just blatantly not heard, not taken seriously Person.

[Matt]

Well, he doesn't respect her. There's no respect. I'm obviously very, very frustrated and disturbed by this situation. But I'm also, like, really disappointed and frustrated by all the people being like, that's hilarious. That's hilarious. And there might be some listening that are like, hey, it's a magic trick. Like, it's not that big of a deal. But let me ask you this, because this is how it feels for me. Can you recognize how big of a deal it is if someone, you know, you consent to sex, and while you're having sex, they all of a sudden pull out and take the condom off and don't tell you, because that's the same energy. This is giving. And I would go back to your friends op, and I would ask them, I would say, okay, let me ask you a question. If you were hooking up with someone and they took the condom off and didn't tell you, would you be okay with that joke? Because this is the same. He's doing something to me and not telling me. In the middle of intimacy, in the middle of intercourse, in the middle of sex. Like, how is that funny? That's not funny. That's disgusting. That's assault.

[Mikaela]

Very similar to the last story.

[Matt]

Very, very same energy. That's why I was like, oh, it's just the same energy. And, like, I know we're doubling down this, but, like, no.

[Mikaela]

Right.

[Matt]

It's an important issue. Clearly, it needs to be addressed. Like consent and being healthy in relationships and not abusing your Partner apparently, like, fuck.

[Mikaela]

But the crowd of people around Op in the last story wouldn't say, oh, it's funny when he takes your glasses.

[Matt]

I hope not. But I. I honestly could see family brushing it off. He's a great guy. You're so lucky to have him.

[Mikaela]

Like, somehow, because it's magic, this magic trick, and he's making it funny that people see it in a different light.

[Matt]

Do you think because it's magic and it almost like, is silly, like magic. Do you think you lose people the minute you say magic trick? Like what? I don't know.

[Mikaela]

It just seems like somehow the crowd is more accepting. Not like the crowd of people around her for some reason are like, it's so funny. I don't see people being like, oh, when he takes the condom off without telling you, or when he takes your glasses and makes you unable to do anything. You're completely vulnerable. No one would be like, oh, that's so funny. Versus this somehow is funny.

[Matt]

I have a hard time understanding how they're missing it so hard not once, but twice. Top comment on this one. This feels like an episode of Arrested Development. They're illusions, Michael. The alliance of Magicians is not going to be happy about this. Another comment down. The magic is gone. It's time for you to disappear. Yes, a lot of people are accusing this post of being fake. A lot of people are questioning its integrity. However, Reddit account on this is seven months old. Was created long before this post. However, we don't have engagement in other subs. However, I know a lot of people out there have Reddit accounts to upvote and be able to participate and not necessarily post or comment anything.

[Mikaela]

It's. I guarantee you, if the post is fake, this has happened.

[Matt]

Well, we do get an update. Okay, first off, no, this story isn't AI or fake. It's sadly true. But I can understand why people would think that it's AI due to the absurdity of it. And that is so many of these posts. Like, you guys, do you know how crazy of stuff I hear from you all at live shows? Like, weird stuff happens every day. If you watch that one show, A Thousand Ways to Die. Like someone died by going in a bath of hand sanitizer because a mailman sneezed on them. Like, there's people out there that are in love with their little cars and they go under them and talk to them and rub them and kiss them. Like, people are weird. People are weird.

[Mikaela]

And what do you think all the other stuff is inspired by?

[Matt]

Truth. Secondly, thank you for everyone for the advice in the comments of my previous post I was lost and looking for some advice because of the uncomfortable situation and the people around me felt differently about it than I did. People in the comments were right and I should trust my own feelings rather than searching for answers from the people around me. That's something I've struggled with my whole life because my family is very reliant on each other and my parents are both helicopter parents. So I learned from a young age that I couldn't trust my own instincts because other people know better, which is why I asked my friends and mom about the situation. I have a lot more work to do and trusting myself I but at least I'm working on it now. Here's the update after my previous post, I read through some of the comments and realized that what my boyfriend did would be considered assault. It wasn't something that I'd even considered because I was only seeing it as him doing something stupid in the bedroom that broke my boundary and made me uncomfortable, but seeing those comments opened my eyes a lot. If he was willing to break my boundary only after a year of dating and could do that to me in the bedroom and then what else could he be capable of? I met with him the next day at our apartment and I told him about my feelings, which he didn't seem to care about. I showed him the Reddit post so that he could see that other people were also uncomfortable with what happened. He read through your comments, but when he saw the word assault being used a few times, he got really aggravated. I had never seen him that angry before, but he was screaming nonstop and he even whipped my coffee mug across the room. I ended up crying because I was scared and I think that snapped him back to reality or something because he stopped yelling and was then trying to comfort me. I made him leave our apartment again because I didn't want to be around him anymore. That night my friends helped me pack up my stuff and they took me to my parents house which is where I'm at now. After I was out of the apartment and safe, I I called him and broke up with him over the phone because I didn't feel comfortable doing it in person after his previous reaction. I'm so upset that I wasted over a year of my life dating him and even thinking about a future with him. Thank you all for giving me the courage to follow my feelings and break up with him for good. I really appreciate it. Also, thank you all for the jokes. It's lightened the mood and has helped me feel a little bit better about the situation. Yes, Azagreb, the magic is gone and it's time for me to disappear. I think Azagreb is the commenter of that comment. I read Good for uop. A lot of supportive comments. Kind of just picking up on that, like wasted time. Don't be upset about wasting time on someone. You're young and it was a year. These wasted times are so pivotal to us as adults. What you got from that relationship is a spine. You stood on your own two feet and said not once, but twice, this isn't an acceptable way to treat me. And it isn't okay. This is a tool you will use for the rest of your life in many of relationships.

[Mikaela]

Yes.

[Matt]

Don't feel Sad, feel empowered.

[Mikaela]

100%.

[Matt]

Yeah. And just a bunch of people commenting their stories. Please listen to this op. I was your age as I was getting divorced, so I absolutely understand how you feel about wasted years. For me, it was five. But holy shit, my dear, I am 30 now and even though it ended in divorce, I don't regret my marriage because I learned so much about myself, my wants, needs and deal breakers. This is a huge opportunity for real growth in yourself and I hope you take all of this to heart and learn from it while very importantly, not blaming yourself for his actions.

[Mikaela]

Yes.

[Matt]

Yeah. And so many people, just so many people being supportive. This comment, though, bold strategy to prove he isn't abusive by chucking a coffee mug. Happy you are safely out of their op.

[Mikaela]

Yeah, true colors come out just like in the last one. And honestly, the one before, true colors come out when people are backed into a corner and everything's revealed and they can't explain something away or justify it anymore. You see some scary shit, you know, the wife lashing out and doing all the crazy stuff to the. Like when she was confronted, it just seemed like, you know, it's defense, defense, defense. Not accepting, not admitting. And then the guy in the last story, the guy in this story, it just all feels the same. But it says a lot about a person if they turn around and say, you know what, I was wrong. I agree, we probably should split up or whatever. The reaction to being confronted speaks volumes every time.

[Matt]

There was no remorse. There was no, I hear you, I see how you're feeling. I understand this was bad because bottom line, I crossed your boundary and I didn't make you feel good. In a moment, that's about us feeling good.

[Mikaela]

And then the screaming, no.

[Matt]

Like he there's no remorse, there's no Empathy. There's no understanding. There's. There's nothing that says. He recognizes what he did was wrong and is going to make amends and move forward and make this better and not repeat it every single time he's been approached. Like, hey, no magic in the bedroom. Oh, it's funny. I was lining the mood. It's like, but that's not how I took it. That's not how I feel. And I'm the other person in this situation.

[Mikaela]

Yeah.

[Matt]

So unless you want to use your hand going forward forever, you need to respect me and my boundaries. Otherwise, we're done. And he didn't respect it. He did it again. And now OP Is done. Which, thank God, because clearly Magic Boy needs to get a grip. Magic Boy needs to stop being a predator.

[Mikaela]

Magic Boy needs a lot of things.

[Matt]

Magic Boy needs a cage like Houdini that he can't get out of.

[Mikaela]

Yeah, I think, you know, the screaming is always a huge red flag for me the second someone goes to yelling and screaming. And, you know, I've never understood the couples that can yell at each other and scream and then have this great relationship. I don't know what good it ever does in the context of a couple when you're gonna yell and scream to try and solve something or prove a point. And then the second you pick up something and throw it across the room and break it, and you're breaking, like, you're destroying stuff. Like, what is that?

[Matt]

That's crazy.

[Mikaela]

Go to a rage room or something. You know? But, like, we're not taking stuff and throwing it around the room. We're not in a cave. Like, come on. We've evolved past this.

[Matt]

Some of us. Yeah, some of us. But that's all I got on the magic story. We're gonna lighten this up a little bit with a happy. It's sad, but, like, also feels happy in a sense story. And then I do have one that is going on Patreon that is just, like, also a part of this theme. And it's. Am I overreacting? Husband didn't feed baby again, and you want to be enraged. Come over and hear this story. It is July's free story. Free. Like, just come on over to Patreon. It is beyond insane. But let's get into this happy one because I can only take so much for one day. Right? Okay. So this is coming from R. Pitbulls, and it is titled Angel Was brought to Us. I tagged this NSFW because I don't know how people feel reading about a situation like this tldr found puppy in a dumpster. Now I have a puppy, A newfound hatred for people and the need to check dumpsters every time I see one. First three pics are how I found her and her getting cleaned up. The last three pics are her the last two days. Angel was found May 29th at 6am in a dumpster. My boyfriend found her at our job's dumpster outside and we have no clue how long she was in there. She was dumped and not given a chance. The people who had her kept her thin, cut her whiskers and had fed her three musketeers before tossing her away. There are cameras pointed at the dumpsters that are owned by the auto company and my boyfriend let the sheriff know about the dumping. She was taken to the vet on Monday and received parvo shots. She has a checkup with more shots in three weeks and we have pictures of the little nugget. This is the little baby in the dumpster. Like literally the tiniest dog I've seen in quite some time.

[Mikaela]

Could never get out of there.

[Matt]

And the dog is brown and like the dumpster is brown. Like I am shocked that they even found her. Like that is just like a miracle that they found this little baby. And this is her all curled up like so tiny. Look at this little picture. Just sleeping with her tongue out. A little pot belly. And then we get an update. She has been with us, my boyfriend and I who saved her for three weeks and she has the sharpest little tee fees. She wants to run, play and eat as much as she can. She lets us know when she has to potty outside and she sits before food time. I'm so proud of her and my boyfriend. She has a vet visit on Saturday to see how she is doing. Thank you for reading. And here's another little picture of her. Look at how big she's already gotten in just that time from having good food. Looks like a little brown pit bull with little white socks on her feet. Here she is snuggled up with a little nylabone in a blankie so clearly found her way in the best home. Another update. She's all better now, peeing normally and drinking plenty of fluids. She's very food motivated and really well behaved with our dogs. She's had a few accidents but I'm not holding anything against her. It's a journey and I'm so honored to be on it with her. Look at those little eyes she has like these golden hazel little eyes. Loves to stick her tongue out when she sleeps. Has A very cute little pink harness, like sticks.

[Mikaela]

Mm.

[Matt]

Potentially chewing on Op's Crocs, which is dangerous, especially with those Powerpuff Jibbitz. Big smile, very cute dog. Looks like. Like Pitbull chocolate lab mix is what I'm gathering. Some days I'm off with my dog encyclopedia, but so many people are just, like, so glad you found her. She looks like she's doing great. I. I just think, like, that's such a miracle, like, to find her in that dumpster. She was so tiny.

[Mikaela]

It's a very happy story, but, yeah, happy ending. It's hard for me to get past, like, that first photo. Why are you literally putting a dog in a dumpster that they have? That dog had no shot of getting out of it.

[Matt]

No, that's the thing. If you have a dog that has an accidental litter, like, if you can't take care of your dog anymore, like, there's always people in shelters that will help. Like, you don't ever have to do that. I just think that, like, that's not the depravity of that person. Justin. This was supposed to be happy. The dog got the best loving home ever. Focus on the good.

[Mikaela]

It just affects me so much, but I just. Anytime there's an outcome like that from a situation like that, it's just so powerful, and it shows the good in humanity and the good in just life, because, you know, you can also take from it that, like, when it seems like all can just be lost and done and there's no hope. There's no chance. There's always a. There's always a little chance. There's always a little hope to have, because, you know, as if I'm in that situation in that dumpster as that dog. It was like, there's no chance, no shot, but the one. I don't know what. Like, if he heard the dog potentially, or if he was at work, like, taking out the trash. Whatever the case may be, it just. It's so beautiful because look at how much potential that dog had. Look at how much love that dog has to give and how much life that dog has to enjoy. In every one of those photos, in every part of the aspect, the fact the dog gets along with the other dogs, it just feels meant to be. Even though I'm not a huge meant to be, destiny kind of person, there's a lot of things that show that that is a thing. So it's just. Yeah, it just makes you feel good. It reminds me of this video.

[Matt]

Tiki.

[Mikaela]

No, there's this video on Tick tock a while ago. And it's this person. It just shows this dog curled up under this bush in a, like a shopping center, maybe a grocery store type parking lot. And it's just like, there's a little white one. I don't. Yeah, I don't remember much about it, but just curled up, waiting and just, you know, having to fend for itself. And it's just in its little spot for the night, but always on edge. And like the beginning is tough because they have to catch the dog, but. And you know, and it freaks out. But then you start to see kind of like this post clips of this dog's journey. And eventually it's like laying upside down next to the person, just like happier than ever in the sun, tongue out. Probably the same thing. And it's just like, that's what I want for all those animals.

[Matt]

Yeah.

[Mikaela]

Anytime you can give an animal that experience, it's just beautiful.

[Matt]

I know. There's a video I think you guys should watch too. It's a tick Tock and it's about this little dog named Tiki. And Tiki lived with his foster mom for a while and I'm blanking on her name and she's just such a good dog mom. And it's like just the most magical rehabber I've seen on TikTok, like, ever. But Tiki was like, about to be put down. He was super fearful, super shut down. And this person started fostering Tiki and really gave him the grace to like, come out of his shell at his own time and start trusting again. Like, Tiki had a really, really bad, tragic backstory. And sure enough, Tiki just blossomed and like went and has now been adopted and this person has another foster dog. And I just think, like, we all care about animals. There are so many animals out there that need to be fostered to get them out of a shelter, to create room to prevent dogs and cats from being put down. Because you can foster cats too, and they're just as great. So if you want to, like, give back and like, you're an animal lover, like, think about volunteering this summer. I know summer and leading in a fall is a busy time at a lot of shelters and rescues. So maybe go foster. Maybe just volunteer and help clean and feed and walk. Like, there's so much you can do to give back. I know with the floods in Texas, like, our heart goes out to everyone affected by that. That's been heavy on my mind the past couple days here. There are many pets that have been displaced, and it's just tragic. So, you know, if you're in Texas, maybe reach out to organizations there. And we're really thinking of everyone that's been affected by that. I'll share a link for the Red Cross, but thinking of you guys, that's all I got for this episode. Head over to Patreon if you want that other crazy story. And on that note, new merch is out. It's there. The dark brown only has a few left. I don't think we're restocking that one. Light brown is here. It's good. Great fit, great quality. But on that note, thank you guys so much for being here. Another episode. And until next time.

[Mikaela]

Until next time.

[Matt]

Bye, guys.

[Mikaela]

Bye.

[Matt]

Sa.