270: Painful Truths? Ft. Joshua Bassett

Summary

Two Hot Takes – Episode 270: Painful Truths? Ft. Joshua Bassett
Release Date: May 28, 2026
Host: Morgan Absher | Guest: Joshua Bassett

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Overview

In this heartfelt and insightful episode, Morgan welcomes actor, musician, and newly-minted author Joshua Bassett to discuss “painful truths” in life and relationships. The episode explores honesty versus tact, emotional boundaries, self-esteem, and the impact of vulnerability. Together, they dissect Reddit relationship dilemmas, share personal stories, and reflect on the power of kindness, both small and grand. The conversation balances humor with emotional depth, drawing from Joshua’s experiences as a public figure, author, and community organizer.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

Joshua Bassett’s New Chapter: Authorship and Growth

• Joshua reveals he just became a New York Times bestselling author with his book Rookie and discusses the struggle to keep his middle name (“Taylor”) in his professional identity.
  • “I just found this out 10 minutes ago... I’m a New York Times bestselling author.” (02:13, Joshua)
• Both Morgan and Joshua share similar adolescent experiences—strict upbringings, early independence, and curiosity getting them into (and out of) trouble.
• Joshua’s process: Continuous self-reflection via thousands of notes and voice memos, highlighting curiosity as both a childhood challenge and an adult strength.
  • “The more you look for [life lessons], the more they present themselves.” (04:11, Joshua)

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Painful Truths and Relationship Dilemmas

“Better to Hear a Painful Truth Than a Comfortable Lie” (07:39)

• Morgan highlights a line from Joshua’s book that sets the episode’s tone: the difficult but necessary role of honesty in relationships.
• The panel debates whether brutal honesty is always warranted or if tact sometimes protects relationships.

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[09:12] – Icebreaker: Farting in Relationships

• The group pokes fun at taboo topics like bodily functions as a metaphor for healthy vulnerability and not taking life too seriously.
  • “I gotta be honest, you know. If I fart, I will announce it.” (09:44, Joshua)

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Reddit Relationship Deep Dives

1. Matching Tattoos with a Girl Best Friend – “AITA for thinking about breaking my engagement?”

Segment: 11:12–24:52

Summary of Reddit Post:
An engaged woman is upset after her fiancé gets a matching tattoo (alien and beer) with his female best friend—he didn’t mention it beforehand, and the friendship has a history of emotional intimacy. She questions her feelings, his boundaries, and the future of their relationship.

Discussion Highlights:

• Joshua empathizes, reflecting on his own platonic relationships. He feels matching tattoos aren’t necessarily “deal-breaker” territory unless representing deeper, unresolved issues.
  • “The matching tattoo is a physical manifestation of maybe this deeper thing.” (14:05, Joshua)
• Both Morgan and Joshua agree it’s less about the tattoo and more about boundaries, trust, and communication.
  • “It just feels like there’s such a lack of respect for our relationship almost.” (18:53, Morgan)
• Alien and beer tattoo lessens the intensity for Joshua—he finds it “gas” (Gen Z slang for “good”).
  • “If my partner had a matching tattoo with someone... since middle school, I don’t know bro, I don’t think it’s that deep.” (20:54, Joshua)
• The consensus: The OP isn’t “the asshole”—her feelings are valid, but the problem may be solvable with communication or therapy.
  • “If you’re going to resent him forever... you’re doing him a favor by breaking up.” (23:36, Joshua)
• Notable Moment: Segue into “icks vs. irreversible icks”—a concept for evaluating deal-breakers.

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2. Public Humiliation: “My boyfriend thinks he’s talented... but he’s not”

Segment: 25:27–34:05

Summary of Reddit Post:
A woman’s boyfriend performs an embarrassing and cringeworthy musical number at open mic, acting arrogant and mocking others. She’s mortified and questions his character.

Discussion Highlights:

• Joshua and Morgan agree that lack of talent is forgivable, but arrogance and cruelty are major red flags.
  • “To be so arrogant and also be so unaware of how not good you are... that’s just such an ick for me.” (29:02, Joshua)
• “Irreversible ick”: When someone’s character flaw (here, mean-spiritedness and grandiosity) becomes a deal-breaker.
• Both hosts discuss the differences between being supportive versus lying to loved ones about their artistic ability.
  • “There’s a way to tell someone the truth that doesn’t crush their spirit.” (33:34, Joshua)
• Tangent: Technological advances in music (auto-tune, AI) and authenticity in the music industry.

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3. Finding Hurtful Journals: “My husband told me he was writing a poem for me – it wasn’t a poem”

Segment: 41:23–53:23

Summary of Reddit Post:
A woman discovers her husband is journaling pages of harsh, belittling private thoughts about her, shattering her spirit. She questions whether these thoughts are isolated vents or signs of deeper disdain.

Discussion Highlights:

• Joshua validates the right to vent in private but sees repeated belittlement as indicative of deep-seated problems.
  • “If that becomes chronic... then why would they be together?” (43:52, Joshua)
• Both note the irreversibility of discovering a partner’s hidden contempt.
  • “You can hide so much under a mask, but when it boils down... how ugly are [people] at their core?” (50:30, Morgan)
• Joshua on the “lemon analogy”: “If you squeeze a lemon, you get lemon juice... you can’t fake who you are forever.” (49:42, Joshua)
• Both underscore the importance of open communication in relationships and the dangers of bottled resentment.

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Deeper Self-Esteem and Healing Wounds

“I keep mourning the person I could have been” – Off My Chest Reddit

Segment: 53:23–66:34

Summary of Reddit Post:
A user opens up about lifelong insecurity, chronic comparison, and a longing for reassurance—impacting their sense of identity and belonging.

Discussion Highlights:

• Joshua relates, noting how public life has taught him to disconnect worth from the fluctuating opinions of others.
  • “You cannot be at the mercy of the ebbs and flows of how you look.” (58:51, Joshua)
• Both host and guest stress self-compassion, therapy, and the practice of gratitude.
  • “Vulnerability is almost always met with vulnerability.” (61:03, Joshua)
• Advice: Service and community, reframing life to focus less on self-criticism and more on giving.
  • “Life’s not about being liked by everybody... we are a part of a larger whole.” (62:15, Joshua)
• Studies on “the liking gap” and human misperception; people often underestimate how much they’re liked.
  • “No one’s thinking about you that much.” (63:42, Morgan)
• Joshua shares a personal story of isolation and moving to LA, underscoring that tough seasons pass and new, authentic connections are possible.

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Leadership & Inclusion: LGBTQ+ Rights in Volunteerism

“AITA for telling a volunteer they can’t refuse to serve LGBTQ kids?”

Segment: 70:10–80:22

Summary of Reddit Post:
A camp director faces pushback after telling a longtime volunteer to either support LGBTQ campers or leave. Others accuse OP of overreacting and risking much-needed volunteers.

Discussion Highlights:

• Joshua: Clear and strong stance—compassion is non-negotiable; being a longtime volunteer doesn’t excuse bigotry.
  • “If you don’t have love in your heart, then I don’t want your help.” (73:47, Joshua)
• Both hosts address how “being right” (morally or religiously) is too often prioritized over being loving.
  • “They’re judgmental and hateful in the name of love.” (75:51, Joshua)
• Allies and leaders are called to set the inclusive tone—even if costly in the short run (donations, volunteers).
  • “Health is part of intersectionality… you will have a culture problem end quickly if people feel 'othered.'” (77:26, Morgan quoting Reddit)
• Examples: Other organizations refusing conditional donations; the bar must not be lowered for “help” that comes with discrimination.

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Acts of Kindness and the Power of Small Gestures

Segment: 85:46–87:20

Reddit Post:
A user describes witnessing a man pay for a mother’s groceries with no fanfare. The act restores the poster’s faith in humanity.

Discussion Highlights:

• Joshua recalls being profoundly impacted by a stranger’s $50 tip as a teen, illustrating the ripple effect of kindness.
  • “Those little acts of kindness... really do go a long way.” (87:20, Joshua)
• Closing message: Never underestimate your ability to change a life, even with small gestures.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “Better to hear a painful truth than a comfortable lie.” (07:43, Morgan/Joshua’s book)
• “If nothing’s happened between the guy and the girl in the past... the matching tattoo thing is tough, but I don’t know if that’s a deal-breaker for me.” (14:23, Joshua)
• “To be so arrogant and also be so unaware of how not good you are... that’s just such an ick for me.” (29:02, Joshua)
• “If you squeeze a lemon, you’re gonna get lemon juice.” (49:42, Joshua)
• “Your brain is constantly pruning... if you think bad thoughts about yourself, you’re confirming that in your brain.” (52:33, Morgan)
• “Vulnerability is almost always met with vulnerability.” (61:03, Joshua)
• “If you don’t have love in your heart, then I don’t want your help.” (73:47, Joshua)
• “Never underestimate your ability to change someone’s life for better or worse. We all have a part to play in making the world a better place.” (87:29, Joshua)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• 02:13 – Joshua learns his book is a NYT bestseller
• 07:39 – Introduction to “painful truths” in relationships
• 11:12 – AITA: Matching Tattoos with a Girl Best Friend
• 25:27 – Reddit: Boyfriend’s Embarrassing Open Mic
• 41:23 – Marriage: Discovering Hurtful Journals
• 53:23 – Off My Chest: Self-esteem and Mourning Lost Potential
• 70:10 – AITA: Volunteer Refuses to Support LGBTQ Kids
• 85:46 – Kindness in a Grocery Line and Final Thoughts

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Tone & Takeaways

The tone throughout mixes humor, warmth, and heartfelt vulnerability. Morgan and Joshua balance deep empathy with clear-sighted advice, often reflecting on their own lived experiences. Both advocate for honest communication, self-compassion, and prioritizing kindness—even when uncomfortable. The episode ultimately champions the value of authenticity, community, and acting on your values in big and small ways.

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Links:

• Morgan’s IG: morgsyabsher
• Joshua’s Book: Rookie (search online retailers)
• Two Hot Takes Patreon: Patreon
• YouTube Channel: Two Hot Takes
• Get Involved: Learn more or support Joshua's organization, Sammy Sundays (details forthcoming via Morgan’s channels).

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Transcript

[A]

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[B]

Let's do it.

[A]

We're locked in.

[B]

Hell, yeah, baby.

[A]

We're rolling. My paper cuts. It's clotting. We're good.

[B]

You're cut. You're doing better.

[A]

Now I'm cut. I'm, like, crashing out. I'm so excited to have you on.

[B]

So happy to be here. Thanks for having me.

[A]

Joshua Taylor Bassett. I love the Taylor.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

I love that you're bringing that in.

[B]

Thank you. I actually originally wanted that to be my name. When I first came to LA, when I was 16, I wanted my name to be Joshua Taylor.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And my team was like, no, you can't do that. And I was like, that's dumb. Why? And they just wouldn't let me do it. And then I kept trying to change it. My record label would be like, no, it'll ruin the algorithm. And I'm like, just let me do what I want to do. So I finally got my team to agree.

[A]

Sign on, and.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Well, with your book coming out, I feel like, it's a good time to like, you can kind of transition.

[B]

Oh, absolutely.

[A]

Now that I'm an author.

[B]

New chapter. Exactly. And by the way, I didn't tell you this. I just found this out 10 minutes ago. But I'm a New York Times bestselling author. Congratulations. Like, that's my top three life goals of all time. So that's pretty nuts.

[A]

Do you get an award when you make that list?

[B]

Maybe some personal maybe. I'm sure there's gotta be something. But I literally found that out on the way here. So. Crazy.

[A]

You're having a good day?

[B]

Yeah, I'm having a pretty good day.

[A]

It's going to be a good day. I love that we have like a weird. And you're not going to remember him at all because it was such probably a blip for you, but you've worked with my husband before in music. He recorded your vocals for a High School Musical track.

[B]

Who's your husband?

[A]

Same as Justin Thunderstorm. He's like a duo. You. It was literally. It's a blip in your writer.

[B]

Just record it.

[A]

He just recorded it. They produced it out after because he was signed with Disney.

[B]

Got you.

[A]

But it's just like I feel like the universe is so weird in that way where the world is so small.

[B]

Totally.

[A]

It's like that invisible string theory almost. In a sense.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. But a lot smaller than people think.

[A]

It really is same in New York.

[B]

It's like. Yeah. Once you know a few people, you kind of know everyone.

[A]

Yeah. No, I love that. But I've been loving your book. I have so many pages dog eared here and I feel like for me and someone who's like been dealing with a lot of burnout and just like mental health is just always so ever present. It's almost like a brain chemistry shifting, like moment for me this week, like reading it. Like, there's so many little things I've like, I've bookmarked and I'm like, I'm very excited to hear your takes because.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

You're just. For being 25. It just feels like you've. You've had so many insane experiences.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It's just like, it feels very profound in a lot of ways.

[B]

Wow. Thank you.

[A]

That's.

[B]

That's a big word for me. Well, that's. Yeah. Huge word. But I mean, I think that's like, you know, there's probably 17,000 notes on my phone right now. I have a different icloud for my iPad that has another 7,000 notes.

[A]

Oh my God.

[B]

So I'm always just like writing nuggets down. And I think the more you, you look for them, the more they present themselves.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know, even on the way here, like, I'll take a note or a voice memo or last night I was eating food my friend outside of my car and I didn't have my phone. I grabbed her phone and just hit record and I was like, I had this theory about this thing and you know, the more you just like document it and start looking for it and pulling that thread, the more things kind of show up. And you know, I've been always just like a very curious person. And that got me in a lot of trouble when I was a kid because feel that we'd be at a theater that my sisters were doing a show at and I'd like, there's gotta be a way to get on the roof. Like there has to be. And I would like find my way onto the roof or like into the basement or I get myself into all kinds of trouble because I was just very curious how things worked, you know, how to get into things. And that curiosity, though it was definitely a big setback when I was younger, I think has been one of my greatest strengths, I think in my adult life is just always being curious about the universe and how it works and why it works and maybe to a fault sometimes I could just chill a little bit and like not care so much. But yeah, and I also write in the book that wisdom comes from life experience. And in My short now 25 years, I've lived about 10 lifetimes. And so I think that because I've had so many experiences in my life, like, you just learn so much more. You know, I moved out when I

[A]

was 16 and I can't believe that, like moving to LA by yourself at 16 and you, you talk about it in the book, you're like, I was living in my car and showering at the gym and it's like for a 16 year old to do that.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Is insane. Like absolutely insane where I'm like, do you, you realize that, right?

[B]

Oh yeah. But at the time I was so ready. Like, it's just so driven. Like, I don't know. I mean, my parents were very strict and I was homeschooled. I say in quotes, but I was really no schooled and I, you know, they wouldn't really allow me to do anything. And then overnight it was like, okay, well now this LA thing's happening and you kind of just gotta go for it. And so I went from being Actually very reckless and rebellious when I was around my parents to being given full independence and growing up really quickly. And so it's interesting how I feel like I was. When I finally had that freedom and independence, I didn't abuse it. I was very much like, you know, I'd be at a party and they'd be doing cocaine the bathroom, and I'd be like, I have to leave. Like, I can't be part of this. Like, you know, I was so militant

[A]

and, like, almost living up to that standard they had set. But now that you weren't under their roof, you're like, right. There's almost like, have you ever heard of, like, opposition, defiance disorder?

[B]

But I can guess, but tell me.

[A]

So that was kind of me. Like, I relate to in, like, the sense where, like, high school, my parents were so strict, and so I would, like, try to really push against that. Found my ways on a roof, was driving across the country at 16. Like, I was just trying to be so independent.

[B]

Right.

[A]

But then once I had it, I was like, yes. Okay, wait, let's. Let's roll it back a little bit.

[B]

100. Yeah. It's such an interesting irony. It's like, I think that each human has a sense of independence and free will. And while parents are obviously, it's essential that they guide their kids and that they restrict certain things. And, you know, you don't let your little kids around the candy jar because they aren't. You're able. Right. But at a certain age, they do have a choice.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Instead of trying to control their choices, I think is trying to teach them how to make the right choice. Right. And yeah, I totally agree that there's a weird phenomenon that happens when you get that independence.

[A]

But, yeah, it's crazy.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I'm trying to find a line here because I think all of your experiences are really gonna lend some interesting, really cool takes today. But there's a line I bookmarked, and it was.

[B]

I also didn't put an index in the beginning of the book, so.

[A]

I know. Yeah, you're doing me dirty right now. As I try to flip here.

[B]

I just. Earlier I was on a webinar and I spent like, seven minutes trying to look for a chapter, and I couldn't find it, so I just gave up.

[A]

I know I was like, I need post it notes so I can see it from the top. But you say here, better to hear a painful truth than a comfortable lie.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And we're gonna put that to the test today of like, should these people have been so honest. Could it have reeled in? Or, like, do you have to be vulnerable and say how you're feeling and be honest? And we've got some crazy stories. I think you're gonna, too.

[B]

Let's get it.

[A]

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[B]

I don't know why I'm drinking sparkling water right now.

[A]

Because it makes you burp.

[B]

Yeah. Forgive me if I burp.

[A]

No, we cut that.

[B]

I say boosted. I just did an E News interview today, and I farted twice during the interview. I was like. It was so loud. I was just like. I was like, I farted. There's no. No way around this. I just gotta own it. I farted.

[A]

Did you hear it?

[B]

I did, yeah. I mean, I think they're gonna cut it out, but it was just like, in the. Thank God it wasn't live. I was just chilling there, and I thought I could sneak one out, and it just. It made a noise, and I was like, look, I farted. And I'm the first person to own it.

[A]

I'm like, already fart? Oh, my God.

[B]

I gotta be honest, you know, if I fart, I will announce it. Because I'd much rather me announce it and you go, oh, gross. And then deal with it. Then someone be like, oh, God, did somebody fart? And you have to be like, that was me.

[A]

You know people who call out a fart, though, like, just stop. No, everyone farts. You want them to call it out,

[B]

you got to get ahead of it. Yeah. No, you gotta own it. That's the only way out.

[A]

This is crazy. I.

[B]

Do your best to not fart, but, like, it happens. It happens.

[A]

So this has been like, a long, standing, running joke on the podcast now, but it took me until, like, maybe six months ago to finally, like, fart in front of my husband, and we've been together now. It'd be like eight years this fall. And so, like, just recently, just now, six years.

[B]

Oh, my gosh. Wow. That's huge.

[A]

I Just don't.

[B]

Like on my first date. Like, I'm not afraid. You just gotta get over it, you know? I think you gotta be goofy. You can't take life too seriously. It's like we all fart and just air, you know?

[A]

Mine are like, they're. They're not silent and they're. They're loud and deadly. So it's like I get just the double whammy.

[B]

Yeah, but think about how much stress you've been under for the last six years. Trying.

[A]

No stress. I just walk out of the room, shut the door.

[B]

Well, good for you.

[A]

Like, I'm not. Like, he knows what I go out and do. Like, and he still lies. Like, I'm like, you've heard me fart now. And he goes, no.

[B]

And I'm like, does he fart in front of you, though?

[A]

No, he doesn't fart.

[B]

Yeah, right.

[A]

He's literally broken. He, like, doesn't fart.

[B]

I don't think he's broken. I think we're broken.

[A]

Okay, this first one coming from A I T H. It's titled Am I the Asshole for Thinking about Breaking my engagement because My Fiance Got a Matching Tattoo with his girl Best Friend.

[B]

Fuck.

[A]

My fiance has a girl best friend that he's known since middle school. They've been friends for ages, and I believe him when he tells me that there's no romance there at all. They're simply very good friends. That being said, from the start of our relationship, I couldn't help noticing that his friendship with his girl best friend had something of an emotionally intimate feel to it. I brought it up before and he reacted defensively, saying that I'm getting something wrong and that he could never betray me in that way. I have to admit, after trying for a while, I accepted the fact and tried not to mention it again. Over time, he tried to be more mindful with boundaries and things were okay. Then not too long ago, my best friend, who was a woman, and I got matching permanent anklets. They are welded jewelry that you can't take off unless you cut it. We've done it together and I told him about it and he thought it was cute. Apparently, shortly after that, he and his girl best friend agreed to do something that they had talked about before, which is get matching tattoos. He never mentioned anything like that to me, not even in a joking way. When he showed me his new tattoo, I started crying and asked him why he would do something like that with her. For me, getting matching tattoos seems more intimate and permanent than getting matching jewelry. But to this, he honestly said that I did pretty much the same thing with my best friend and asked me what makes me cry over this. For me, it just seems incredibly inappropriate because, one, this matching tattoo is with another girl, regardless of how he sees her or she sees him. If it was a family member, then, yeah, okay, but not with her. Two, even if I had a male best friend, I would definitely never do such a thing while being engaged to someone else. And right now, I'm seriously considering giving him back the engagement ring, because I know that every time I see that tattoo, I will feel like shit, and I will resent him for it. I do not really believe that he wants to cheat on me with his best friend, because I believe that if something was ever gonna happen between them, it would've happened a long time ago. But I feel very terrible about that. While he believes that I'm overreacting, my friends think I'm being valid with my feelings and that they are both way out of line to do something like that. So if I break up with him, would I be the asshole?

[B]

Damn. Okay, this is gonna get a lot of thoughts.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Got a lot of thoughts. First of all, if nothing's happened between the guy and the girl in the past, like, it's interesting because, like, sexuality is such a spectrum, you know? And especially, like, people nowadays where there's a lot of people who are bisexual. And so the question is, like, where's the limit for who you can get a matching tattoo with? Right. Because. But I understand that if he's heterosexual and the girl that he got the matching tattoo is also heterosexual, why, there could be a little bit of a thing there. But I'm like, again, the. She can get a matching. She's a matching jewelry or something like that.

[A]

Yeah, permanent jewelry. It's not necessarily, like, on your body, though. But I see where he might have been. Like, yeah, but it's still. You're calling it permanent jewelry, Right?

[B]

Right. Well, my question is, like, did he intentionally keep it a secret from his fiance? Like, that's when he gets a little bit dicey. Do you think that. I don't know. I mean, again, like, it feels like it's deeper than the matching tattoo. It feels like the matching tattoo is a physical manifestation of maybe this deeper thing where she's had these weird feelings about him having a lady best friend. But I personally, I grew up with five sisters, and I have a lot of women who are my dearest friends, and there is zero percent anything there. And so I'm like, I don't know. The matching tattoo thing is tough, but I'm also, like, I don't know if that's a deal breaker for me because I have so many great friendships with women or any kind of people. I guess that, like, there's no question of, like, is there anything weird here? So I don't know. That's a complicated one. But I. I think she has the right to be upset. But I don't know that I'd go so far as to say, like, oh, this means marriage over, you know?

[A]

Yeah, I know. I'm really torn.

[B]

Unless there is something else going on between him and that girl, then that's another question. Like, that's another story. Because the tattoo, in my opinion, is that only the tattoo matters. But if it's representative of something else going on, then, yes, it does matter.

[A]

And I think that's kind of what feels like it's going on here, because I. You know, there's always those tropes of, like, oh, it ended up being the girl that he told me not to worry about. And so I'm like, is that where you're at? Where you're like, oh, I trust him. And I feel like if something would have happened, it probably would have happened by now, but deep down, where you're, like, still struggling with that and his lack of boundaries. Cause, I mean, op, Our writer even said it felt too emotionally intimate. There were issues with boundaries. Over time, he tried to be more mindful with boundaries. Like, what were the issues with the boundaries? Her touching him while they went out and you kind of standing there watching. Like, what. What's the context here?

[B]

Yeah, it's tough, man. I mean, people are really good at living double lives. It's actually insane to me.

[A]

Blows my mind, like, when I hear

[B]

about people who, like, for years and years and years, like, well, even I've been in that situation where, like, somebody makes me cut off all of my friends, and then I found out they're cheating on me, and I'm like, bruh, like, what? Or like, I had a friend who, like, her boyfriend was always, like, so, like, literally with me. I mean, yeah, I won't say who it was, but my. My friend had a boyfriend who, like, fudgeing hated me, bro. And I never did anything wrong. Like, yeah, the only thing, like, I paid for them both in a situation where I was paying for other people as well.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And he, like, resented me and was like, never, ever fudgeing pay for my girl in front of me ever again. Like, this ridiculous. And I was like, all right, dude, like, calm the fuck down.

[A]

Yeah, that deep. Like, I'm not showing the next one.

[B]

I'm not trying to make a move. Whatever. Anyway, my point is he was constantly upset and, like, always thought there were ulterior motives. Turns out he's been cheating on her for over a year, bro. Had a whole other relationship, a whole other life with this other woman. And what's funny is when, like, we had one time, had a conversation, he was like, my one priority is taking care of so and so he kept talking about how, like, protective he was over her and how, like, she's his main priority and, like, he's just doing this out of protection for her. Meanwhile, he's the one cheating on her for over a year. I'm like, how do you live? Because it was in another state. So anytime he went to this other state, get another girlfriend. I just don't understand. Yeah, exactly.

[A]

It's like they try to keep that person so close, so under their control.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So it's. Oh, God, it's so insane how people can do that.

[B]

Yes. It's. It's upsetting and confusing, and I just don't understand how people can have whole other lives. Like, one, what's the thrill of that? And two, like, how do you have the energy? And, like, how do you not think that's going to blow up in your face at some point? You know?

[A]

I don't understand. And people can get away with it for years. They've other families and literally whole kids, and it's just like, what? And so with this one, like, yeah, I don't know if anything's going on here, but, like, I think if this were me and my fiance or husband, like, if my husband went out and got a matching tattoo with one of his girlfriends or any friend for that matter, without talking to me, I'd be like, oh, like, why is it a surprise to me versus, like, I'm getting a tattoo with Cleo? Like, why are you telling me? Yeah, and it's just like. It feels like there's such a, like, lack of respect for our relationship almost where it's like, hey, it would have been nice to know and talk about it, even though it's like, well, okay, it's his body, his tattoo.

[B]

Right.

[A]

But it's just kind of. It feels.

[B]

I agree.

[A]

Weird.

[B]

I agree. It's. It's tricky and nuanced, but I don't know. I. Again, I think it's, in my opinion, personally, in a relationship, the only time I'd have, like, a Real problem with that is if it was actually something else going on that I found out. So that's the whole thing with this. From like I don't know. But I agree. It's weird he didn't say anything. Oh, I'm not boring, I swear.

[A]

I'm just saying keep drinking that coffee over there. Well, the top comment on this one, matching tattoos with another woman while engaged is going to feel weird to most people. Doesn't mean it's cheating. But it does mean your feelings aren't crazy either, right?

[B]

Agreed.

[A]

Next one. Not the asshole, let him go. Unless you enjoy being the third wheel in their relationship, he's not ready for monogamy and commitment to you maybe. And someone comments, what makes you say he's not ready for monogamy? Because he has a close friend that is a woman. Can someone not have a close friend that is a woman and also be monogamous?

[B]

Right.

[A]

And someone reply to that person goes, it's disrespectful. And it's so, it's like maybe. I just think it's, it's overall just a lack of communication. Like it seems like something's missing in their relationship.

[B]

Well again it's like it is case by case, like she's vowed to be upset but also like I don't know, you know what I'm saying?

[A]

A lot of people start asking info, what was the tattoo of?

[B]

Yeah, that was my question.

[A]

Because that could like make or break it too.

[B]

Yeah, right, right.

[A]

Like do they have two hearts that complete when they line their hands up, OP does respond.

[B]

Uh huh.

[A]

It's a simple design of an alien holding a beer bottle and raising it up to do cheers.

[B]

I think that's gas. I think that's.

[A]

What does that mean?

[B]

It's good.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

What does gas mean? What do you mean?

[A]

Okay, well you're Gen Z, I think.

[B]

Sure. What's Gen Z? What year?

[A]

I don't know. What year were you?

[B]

2000 I think you're gender I'm gonna go for probably.

[A]

I think so. Yeah.

[B]

Do you know what fire means?

[A]

Yeah, I'm not that old.

[B]

No, that's. I think that's awesome. If my. It's hard to say, but if my partner had a matching tattoo with somebody that could potentially be attracted to them. But they were their best friends since middle school. You said like, I don't know bro, I don't think it's that deep. Maybe I'm just like more secure in the sense that I'm not like overthinking everything that's not to say I don't have jealous tendencies where I can't be like. But, like, for example, I was dating this girl once who, like, was super, super, super, super, super jealous. I mean, unbelievably jealous. Like, anything. I couldn't.

[A]

Anything Again, she couldn't talk to you? Couldn't even say thank you to someone else.

[B]

Correct. She made me cut off all my friendships, essentially, with anyone who could there could ever be a potential romantic connection to. And I did that out of respect to her. And I was doing my best to

[A]

make the relationship work.

[B]

But then she would, like, go and, like, sit in someone's, like, sit in a guy's lap. And I'd be like, hey. Like, I'd be like, hey, I didn'. I would try to be as, like, gentle as possible with it. And she'd be like, oh, come on. Like, he's bi. And I'm like, yeah, bi. That means that part of that is being attracted to women.

[A]

Well, also, like, didn't they kind of realize the, like, hypocrisy of it?

[B]

You would hope that. You would hope that. No over there. And again, it was even me bringing it up that was like, oh, come on, you're overreacting and you're just trying

[A]

to articulate your feelings.

[B]

Yes. And I was like, I just didn't love how that felt, and it feels a little bit weird. So, like, that's the kind of stuff that I don't like when it's, like, sitting on a lap and doing that stuff. I think there's a clear difference between, like, playful, like, banter, for example, versus, like, when it's starting to cross the line like that. And I think in her justification, she was like, no, there's clearly nothing here, so it's not a big deal. But it was definitely hypocritical. And that was a lot of the relationship. But regardless, male female relationships, or, again, any kind of relationship where there's potential for, like, romance or whatever, I think is so nuanced and tough. So that's why I'm saying it's not an absolute rule. And I can't specifically say how I'd feel in that situation. But personally, if I were to picture it right now, I would probably be pretty chill with that.

[A]

Yeah. And I think it is interesting where she's like, one. If this was with a family member, I wouldn't see an issue. Like, what if he does look at her like a sister? Like a cousin? Like, my husband wanted to get matching tattoos with his female cousin. Like, I'm not gonna have an issue with that if he decided to do that.

[B]

Right.

[A]

And so it's kind of that same concept of, like, I think you're coming from a place where you are feeling insecure about their relationship or he's not communicating well.

[B]

I think it's about the tattoo. I think it's about deeper than that.

[A]

That's a bigger issue.

[B]

100%.

[A]

And so at the end of the day, if I break up with him, would I be the asshole? I don't think so. Because, like, you're entitled to your feelings.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And if you're gonna resent him forever because of the tattoo, then you're doing

[B]

him a favor by. By breaking up with him. I think you have the right to break up with him, but I don't necessarily feel like it's fair. And if I was the guy. I don't know. I don't know. It's a tough one.

[A]

Do you think they can work through it?

[B]

Absolutely.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

100%.

[A]

Maybe a little therapy.

[B]

Yeah. Maybe some. Some couples therapy.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Some premarital counseling.

[A]

There you go.

[B]

It sounds like maybe this is revealing that they do need to work through some stuff before they get married. I think, if anything, there's a. They're. They're engaged, right?

[A]

Engaged, yeah.

[B]

Maybe there's a postponing.

[A]

I like that.

[B]

But I don't know, man. I think part of me, again, is, like, I don't think it's that big of a deal. But then I also know, like, how common it is that people cheat and, like, have whole double lives. So I don't blame her for being upset about it and. Or, like, being insecure or paranoid.

[A]

I know. I'm trying not to be, like, too pessimistic and paranoid about it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Because, like, I feel like I do from reading so many of these stories. I'm like, oh, he's cheating. And it's like, yeah, but it could be innocent.

[B]

Like, but there's also plenty of times where you think that they aren't cheating, and then they are, and then they

[A]

are, and it just, like, is like, what? But, I mean, an alien holding a beer. I'm like, they just sound like two weirdos. Just two friends. Like an alien.

[B]

Yeah. The alien beer thing definitely put. Was the nail in the coffin for me.

[A]

I know.

[B]

All right. But what do I know?

[A]

It's so wild. We don't have an update on this one yet.

[B]

No need.

[A]

No need.

[B]

I want the update, the mission best. We'll. We'll check in for part two.

[A]

Yeah, that's what I want. I'm like, where's the part two op? If you're out there listening, please let me know. I mean, it's 10 months old at this point.

[B]

They had to have gotten either married or not, but we're wishing you the best. OP is op original poster.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Nice. Look at that.

[A]

Look at you. Context clues you're getting. You're catching on quick. Yeah, it kind of flew under the radar before it was removed, so maybe. Maybe we'll get an update.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay, moving on to this next one. This is coming from one of my favorite Redditors, Okay. His name is Direct Caterpillar.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And they just, like, find the best stories on Reddit. And so this is coming from one of theirs.

[B]

Great.

[A]

It's titled My 23 Female Boyfriend, 23 Male. Thinks he is talented, but he is not. Fuck, this sounds awful. I know. We have been dating for a year and a half and I love him so much. We are best friends and get on great. I've always known that he was into writing music, but he never got around to singing or performing to me, which I assumed was out of shyness. Last night, me, him, and about four of our friends went to a bar to drink. There was an open mic and a guy was singing with an acoustic guitar. We were sitting drinking, and he started laughing at him. The guy was very off key, so we all quietly giggled for like two seconds, but obviously made sure the singer didn't see us, because that's rude, right? But he loudly laughed at him and didn't applaud when he finished. I thought this was extremely out of character.

[B]

Raise this now or what is the point here? Big red flag.

[A]

I thought this was extremely out of character as he is usually very polite and kind to everyone. We were about two rounds in at this point, so I thought maybe he was just a bit tipsy. They then asked if anyone wanted to sing, and he enthusiastically volunteered. The previous guy, poor kid, politely offered his guitar if my boyfriend wanted it to, which he laughed in a really patronizing way and declined. What happened next is going to be hard to type out because I'm still cringing. He proceeded to acapella, sort of chant, moan, and sing a song that weaved a tale of him doing ayahuasca and cutting his hair, then digging up a grave and setting up a tent. There was a brief interval where he went, yes, yes. Ooh. It was like a comedy skit.

[B]

Oh, God.

[A]

And I honestly thought he was joking until I heard the ayahuasca Part and remembered that he had showed me a poem with that line in it.

[B]

Oh, God, now I'm cringing because I did ayahuasca. And I talk about it in my book too. So I fear that man is me.

[A]

No, I don't know how you can be out of tune when it's acapella, but. But he managed it. He was so out of tune with himself, with the air. When he was done, after like five whole minutes, there was applause. Two guys in the bar looked like they were in tears from laughing. And my boyfriend sat back down and said, quote, yeah, that's how it's done.

[B]

Oh, get rid of this guy.

[A]

And smiled. Since then, he asked me if I enjoyed the performance. I said, yeah, but it was so different from what I expected. He smiled and said, yeah, it's the only thing I'm good at. I'm honestly so confused. This seems so out of character. I see him kind of in a different light now. Yeah, but he's perfect in every other way. But he was so cocky and almost delusional. I feel like if I tell him he was bad, he'd just say that I didn't understand his vision or something. What should I do? I think he's planning on doing it again at some point soon. And I honestly don't think I could handle that. I don't want him to feel bad, but I also don't want to lie to him.

[B]

Well, first of all, I think everyone has their blind spots. Okay.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

But, you know, you don't have to be talented at everything, but to be arrogant, which is. Arrogance is so ugly, in my opinion, all kinds of arrogance is just ugly. To be so arrogant and also be so unaware of how not good you are to mock someone else and then go up there and make a mess of yourself and embarrass the other people.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I don't know. It's like, it's a huge red flag. You said in every other area, he's, like, good but perfect. To me, that just, like. I don't know. I don't really like mean people, and I don't like, Like I said, arrogant people. Not to say I haven't been both of those things. But, you know, I think that that. That's just such an ick for me. Like, I always talk about the difference between icks and irreversible icks.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Because, like, him being a bad singer can be an ick, but that doesn't mean it's like a deal breaker. But to me, if he's like, Mocking the guy before doing terribly and then talking about how great he was and, like, bragging about it. That, to me is an irreversible ick where I'm like, I don't know if we can bounce back from this one, but I don't know. What do you think?

[A]

Yeah, no, I agree. And having that kind of laid out, like, ick versus irreversible ick, like, when it's beyond just like a. A goofy hobby that, like, I don't understand where. No, no, no, this is actually like a personality flaw. Like, you kind of lack character because you're. You're just genuinely an asshole. And it's like. No, I. I honestly think his bad performance aside, I think just how shitty he was to the other people, like, that's just like, enough.

[B]

Yeah, I was gonna say, yeah, I don't even care about the bad performance. Like, that's one thing, you know, but like, like you said, him being, like, rude about it and. Yeah, even the guitar is trying to help him after that. And him being like, nah, I don't need your help. Like, I don't know. That just. It sounds like.

[A]

I know someone was just trying to be so nice.

[B]

I know it sounds like he's been doing a good job of hiding and suppressing that side of him, and you kind of saw a glimpse of it. And yeah, when people show you who they are, believe them. You know, sometimes people don't see that side to people until, like, well, well, well into their relationship with them. And people are good at hiding those parts of themselves. But, like, you just saw like, a sneak peek, I think, of maybe a deeper issue, which is like. Like a mean. A mean spirit that I don't. I don't fuck with at all. But look, maybe he was just had too much to drink. Not to say that that excuses anything. Yeah, I'm just saying, like, people aren't their best selves when they do that, so there's a little bit of grace there, in my opinion. I think if every other area of your relationship with this guy is great, then maybe take this as, like, flag it. Maybe he's on probation right now. Maybe it's a little bit like, we're going to see, see how it goes.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

I don't know. This is a deal breaker, but it's definitely not a good look and it's not a good sign. So what do I know?

[A]

I'm with you. I think it would be really hard, though, given. And it's so hard when you're with someone and, like, they're an artist or they're, you know, whatever their niche hobby is or passion. And it's like. It's so subjective, but, like, you're not a fan of it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And it's like, how do you then go through life with this person if they did stay together? And he's like, come to my open mic night. And you're just like.

[B]

It sounds like he's not really taking this super seriously. It's more just like a. No.

[A]

I mean, for him to say, this is the one thing I'm good at.

[B]

That's embarrassing, bro.

[A]

I'm like. And then it's like. But are like, I don't know. Maybe we aren't his target audience. Maybe we're not understanding it, but it does genuinely sound terrible.

[B]

Yeah, no, I think. I think dump this loser. Go find someone who will get matching tattoos with their bestie. Alien tattoos. I think that sounds like that guy's a lot cooler than this guy. My opinion.

[A]

Would you be honest with him and be like, you're not very good.

[B]

Fuck. It's hard to say that because when it's uninvited or unwelcomed, it's hard to know where it's your place. Like, if you were to ask, I would be like, I think. Because here's the thing, like, I was just talking about this earlier, but like, Ed Sheeran when he first started out was like, absolutely terrible. Like, if you hear his demo from like when he was like 15, it's like the worst singing I've ever heard. Like, horrific. And now he sells out stadiums and is like world class artist. So it's hard to say kind of that he can't get better. And so, like, there's. There's probably a constructive way to tell him, like, okay, I think there could be work done on this. And if it's something you're passionate about, there. There are ways to get better. But I think there's a way to tell someone the truth that doesn't crush their spirit, you know? Yeah, but maybe he needs to be crushed and he needs to be humble.

[A]

You're like a sour patch kid. You're like, first they're sour, then. But you're like the flip. You're like, you're so sweet. And then all of a sudden you're like, you know, buddy fucking sucks.

[B]

There's. Yeah, there's room for all of it.

[A]

It's. It's so interesting. Music is one of those careers too, because, like, as a musician, I'm sure you get this a Lot, whether it's songs you've written or, like, you send a demo to someone. But, like, seeing my husband in music, it's like there's such these amazing songs that will never see the light of day because, like, someone else just doesn't see the value in it. It's like. It's like, oh, but so, yeah, we

[B]

were just talking about that today or yesterday, me and my friend, I was showing her a bunch of my old stuff and she's like, these are amazing. And I was like, hearing it again, I was like, yeah, you know, these are good. Like someone on my team or whatever, like, didn't like it. And so I just never got to see the light of day. It is so subjective. But there's also such thing as, I think objectively bad things. I mean, if someone's like, off pitch, that's. That's pretty objective. You know, there's no taste thing. But then there's also artists that I think their voice is not very good and people really liked it and vice versa.

[A]

So I know. I don't think the average person realizes. Cause, like, I sure didn't before being with someone who's like, in that world. There's so much technology that, like, can make an artist that doesn't have the strongest vocals sound amazing. Like melodyne.

[B]

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

[A]

And like, stuff like that where I'm just like. It literally, if they're off key or like, sing the note wrong, it'll just like, it can put them there.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And if they're super bad, like, then it starts to sound too fakey.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But it's just crazy to me.

[B]

Yeah. There's like a certain amount where they can be off tune. They're like, you can hear the auto tune. You know what I'm saying? But so that's like, if they're within like 30% accurate of the note, then you can make it get away with it pretty well. But yeah, I mean, ultimately, like, some artists, they're recorded music is what they're known for. And some artists are live music. Some both are great.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like Sienna Spiro. I don't know if you know her. She's up and coming. She's one of the greatest voices I've ever heard in my life. And like, hearing her live is one of the best things I've ever experienced. But then there's other artists I won't mention who like, the recording sounds really great. And then I've seen them live and I'm like, ooh, it's not really there, but Also, there's a lot of artists that even when they are live, they're still using auto tune and stuff like that, or they're pretending to sing. And so there's a lot of faking that happens with it. So you can get away with a lot in a day and age of AI. Although I don't endorse using AI at all in music and stuff.

[A]

It's insane.

[B]

Yeah. I mean, dude, there was one artist I fell for recently.

[A]

Is it the Stick Figures song?

[B]

I don't know. I don't think Stick Figures is there. One year.

[A]

Okay, so you tell your story.

[B]

Well, basically there was this one song that I thought was really fucking great. I Shazammed it, added it to my playlist, and then I saw a TikTok where someone was like, this artist is completely AI. And I was like, no way. And there was another time I was in an Uber and they were playing this music and I specifically was like, man, there's so much soul in this artist. Like, fuck, they have so much soul. I gotta find them. And I couldn't find them anywhere. And I asked the guy for a YouTube video and it was like AI renditions of, like, old classics or whatever, and it was completely fake voices. And I was like, actually so deeply disturbed now. I think I'm better at spotting the AI stuff, but it's hard.

[A]

So there's a song that just went super viral on TikTok, and people were like, this is the best song I've ever heard.

[B]

Stick Figures.

[A]

Stick Figures. And I saved the actual song and they stole every single lyric, but just did, like a dance version of it. And Stick Figures came across it and he's like, they didn't reach out. They didn't credit me from a lawsuit standpoint, like, with copyright and publishing rights and all this stuff, like, insane. But, like, it's just someone prompting an AI thing. And, like, they then stole this song and it's just like, ugh. But I think now, like, because he found it, they've worked it out where.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like, it's either like, give me credit and give me rights to the song, otherwise, like, you're done.

[B]

Totally.

[A]

So. But it's still. It's just like. It's messed up.

[B]

There was somebody that made a video about this, that artist I was mentioning earlier, and she was like, it's really frustrating as somebody who makes music like. Like, when it feels like they're stealing all this, like, attention and getting all these accolades for music that's not even real. And one of the comments was I'd rather listen to their good AI music than your shitty real music, so I'm gonna stick to listening to them. And I was like, oh, God, we're cooked, bro. But it's, it's just such a weird time. It's so, it's so unprecedented, you know, it's. I'm curious to see where it goes. I have a feeling we're gonna start to swing as a society to. Toward, you know, I think we had the boom of technology and we're still in that boom of technology, but I think we're going to start to see a swing into a lot more real, like, people getting flip flones again and people doing more real world activities. And I think that I'm hoping that we start to step away from this where technology is a great tool and a servant, but it's, it's. We realize that we're missing our real lives. Yeah, I know that's not what we were talking about at all, but.

[A]

No, no, no. But I think that that human connection, it's. It definitely, like, needs to come back. Like, the Village is something we always talk about on the show where it's like, we need the Village again.

[B]

Absolutely.

[A]

Back to this one, though. The top comment is I think at the very least you should tell him that he was being a jerk towards the guitar player. If he's going to make a habit of going to open mics, then he's going to need to learn to make nice with the other musicians.

[B]

Duh.

[A]

Someone responds. Speaking as a musician, if you don't think you suck, you probably suck.

[B]

That's bars.

[A]

Someone else says, he's not regular.

[B]

Bars are. When you like. It's like, I'm just kidding.

[A]

You might. You might have to keep going. I need like a. A Gen Z. Oh, please. Lingo.

[B]

Am I Gen Z?

[A]

Yeah. I think millennials ended 1996.

[B]

Oh, is it. Is Gen Z next?

[A]

Yeah. Then, yeah, I'm Gen Z. Yeah. You're not Alpha.

[B]

As long as I'm not Alpha. No. All respect to Alpha, Alpha's the future.

[A]

I. Are you a silent screamer?

[B]

What the hell does that mean?

[A]

Okay, good. Apparently it's a Gen Z thing, so I figured you'd know.

[B]

Silent screamer?

[A]

Yeah, my friend Lauren, she's firmly a millennial. But like, okay, like it's this Gen Z thing where it's like you get excited but you don't say anything. You just go, ah. And silent scream.

[B]

Ew.

[A]

No, that was my reaction. It scared me.

[B]

No. Yeah. I don't fuck with that at all.

[A]

I was like, are you okay? I didn't know what was happening when she did it.

[B]

Nah.

[A]

There's another comment here that said he's not right in the head. There's no way to stand in front of a crowd and perform and get the vibe. 100% wrong. Also, please record landscape, please. And post. Pretty please. I'll pay $15 for this.

[B]

I'd pay more than that.

[A]

I would literally. I'd probably pay 100 bucks, maybe two to see this.

[B]

Yeah. Good. The funny thing is that I find that the most successful and most talented people are the most supportive of other artists and the most kind. Not all the time, but a lot of the time.

[A]

No. A lot of times.

[B]

Yeah. It's just funny that, like, who are you to be shitting on this guy when you can't even hold a tune, you know?

[A]

Yeah. No, that's one thing I do love about, like, going to Nashville and going to the writers rounds.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And like hearing where these are.

[B]

Everyone's so supportive and stuff. Yeah.

[A]

Like, the music scene there is so supportive. It's very different to the LA music scene. And I'm not even in music, but I. I get all the tea. 100%, but. Okay. Moving on to this next one. This episode is brought to you by Prime. If chaotic relationship stories and messy love triangles are your thing, Prime Originals is delivering exactly that this summer. Think steamy romances, addictive love stories, and those book to screen adaptations everyone's already obsessed with, like, Off Campus Elle and the Love Hypothesis and more. It's all slow burns, second chances, and chemistry you can literally feel through the screen. If the group chat needs a new shared obsession, this is it. Obsession is in session. Watch only on Prime. This is coming from a subreddit called R Marriage.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And it's titled. My husband told me he was writing a poem for me. It wasn't a poem. I accidentally read something my husband wrote about me and now I don't know how to feel. Last year, he told me he was writing a poem for me. He writes a lot in notion. And recently I saw a page with my name on it. I genuinely thought it would finally be the poem he once mentioned. I know I shouldn't have opened it and I already feel guilty about invading his privacy, but I did it. What I found was not a poem.

[B]

I'm nervous.

[A]

There were pages of negative things about me and our marriage. He called me names like moron and even compared me to a mohole key auntie who just gossips. He wrote down Every small thing I've ever said or done that upset him. Even harmless discussions that I thought were normal between partners. For example, I once made a neutral comment about his friends during a healthy discussion, and he wrote about that, too, as proof that I'm negative. He also wrote about how much he is struggling in the marriage, how I don't appreciate him, and included criticism about my family, too. I think what hurts most is not that he's unhappy sometimes. I know marriages are hard, but that he seems to see me as this stupid, negative, annoying person. I never wanted my partner to secretly view me with contempt. Now I don't know how to act around him because I've seen thoughts I probably never was supposed to see. I feel embarrassed, hurt, and honestly, heartbroken. A part of me wants to confront him, and a part of me feels like I can never unsee this and will never feel the same around him again. Has anyone ever gone through something similar? Were these just private venting thoughts, or should I take this as how he truly sees me?

[B]

That's tough. That's tough. I mean, I think. I think it can be healthy to, like, vent in, like, a journal or whatnot. And, like, sometimes you'll have feelings towards someone that are, like, temporary or that are. I don't know, like, sometimes be annoyed by somebody and I'll just get it all out. And then after I get it out, I'm like, okay. I just was, like, frustrated about this other thing, and they happen to be the victim of my frustration in that moment. But it's not, like an active thing. So I think that there's definitely room and space for that. She shouldn't have read his journal or his private stuff. But I think, again, if that becomes chronic, if that's how he always feels about her, then why would they be together?

[A]

I know, that's my question where I'm like, has there never been an inkling? Because I think this is obviously a marriage, but I think this happens with friendships, too, where you find out a friend said something about you, and it's like, yeah, how do you come back from that? Like, I think, you know, you being in the public sphere, like, people are going to talk, and it's really hard when then you come across that negative stuff, and it's like, it's not meant for you to come across, like, was it there venting in that moment? Or like, whatever it is, but it's still. It's still hurtful.

[B]

Yeah, of course.

[A]

And so it's like, how do you deal with it when you do Find it. Even if those were his, like, journal thoughts.

[B]

Right.

[A]

But, like, is there still truth to it? Like, just, like, I'm all over the place. I'm like, how do you go from here?

[B]

Yeah, no, I hear you. And you can't also unsee it, you know? And then it's like, in the back of your head when you're.

[A]

This would shatter me.

[B]

Yeah. I think it might be over. I don't know, man. I think, like I said, even though it is temporary, maybe the feelings that he has once, that. Yeah. Once the worms are out of the jar. Is that what they say? Can?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Once the worms are out of the can.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You can't really put them back in. And I'm big analogy guy over here, but.

[A]

Oh, you just. You fit in so well here. Because I botch every saying. Yeah, I forget.

[B]

Oh, God, I was doing a show, a thing at the Huntington Beach Barnes and Noble yesterday for my book, and, oh, my God, I finished this, like, really emotional song about, like, suicide and not not taking your life and stuff. And I said, don't underestimate. I'm gonna butcher it again. But I said, don't underestimate the absence your hole would leave. Which is not the right way to say it. It's meaning, like, don't underestimate the hole your absence would leave.

[A]

I think you said it right.

[B]

The absence your hole would leave. It didn't work. It was so.

[A]

Don't underestimate the absence your hole. Your hole would leave your hole. It sounds really, really wrong, but I totally understand.

[B]

600 people. I was like, oh, my God, bro. This was supposed to be, like, an emot, and now I've just made it incredibly awkward. So I'm looking forward to that being on my for you page. But anyways, we were saying worms. Oh, yeah. Once. That stuff's like. It's really hard to bounce back from that, I think. And, you know, again, he can say it was just temporary, but. I don't know. If I was her, I'd be. I'd be pretty upset.

[A]

I know. I would, too. Like, it would crush me to hear this from my partner where it's like, I wish you just would have, like, talked to me about this. And, like, I've gone through something similar with a friend where she, like, ignored me for a couple months and, like, wouldn't tell me what was wrong. And I was. I was, like, very blindsided by, like, the fact there was even an issue.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And she was like, I just need space, like, you know, form my thoughts. Whatever. And to me, that felt like even more of a punishment. And I. I took it as a punishment. Right. Cause I'm like, I don't even understand what the issue is. Oh. And when we ended up reconnecting, she was like, you know, I just feel like a lot of times, like, you're just, you're constantly negative. And I'm like, well, I feel like I thought we had a friendship where we would vent to each other. Like, you know, you vent to me about work all the time. If that's not, you know, the space that we are creating for each other, that's fine. I'll reserve my venting where I'm negative for other people. But, like, I wish you just would have communicated with me that there was an issue.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And so that was a tough one. It's so tough. And now imagine like your partner, like someone you literally committed to being with.

[B]

Yeah, well, because that's the thing. Like, there's some people where, like, I have opinions or thoughts or whatever, and it's just like, it doesn't feel appropriate to, like, bring it up, you know? But then, yeah, like you said, when it's your partner, especially like you're married, like, it's tough. But then it's also like, I don't know if I was the guy. Like, it's hard to, like, tell someone you think these things about them. You know, like, the question isn't, should he have brought him up? My question is, if he really thinks all these things, should they even stay together? Like, so I don't know. It's tough because you don't want to hurt their feelings and stuff. Because some of this is, like, subjective stuff. It's one thing when it's like, hey, I don't like when you don't do the dishes, or I don't like when this happens or the way you talk to me in this way, that's different, that's worth a discussion. But if you're just like, this person's an idiot and they're so fucking stupid and like, why are you with them if that's what you feel about them? You know what I'm saying?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You're allowed to have feelings and frustrations. And I think when you get in any kind of long term partnership with anybody of any kind of, there's gonna be naturally ways in which you guys get on each other's nerves and there's, like, things you get upset about or annoyed by. Like, that's totally natural. But it sounds like this guy might never be satisfied I don't know.

[A]

It is interesting. The top comment really picks on, like, what you're saying, too. Look, everyone deserves a safe space to vent and air out their feelings, emotions, and frustrations. But not once in my 17 years of marriage have I ever even privately belittled my wife with names like moron. Just putting that out there.

[B]

Yeah. Absolutely agree. I have also never belittled my wife with words like, I don't have a

[A]

wife, but, yes, no, but, like, it's like, even, like, your friends, where it's just like, I think sometimes, like, you. You wake up and you're like, God, I'm. I'm friends with my biggest hater.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And it's just like, I can't even imagine saying, oh, my God, my friend is such a fucking moron.

[B]

Yeah, like, no.

[A]

Like, no. Like, it's just so disrespectful. And it's like, that doesn't feel like love.

[B]

100%. I fully agree. Again, I get being frustrated, though, because I have been frustrated with my friends, but it's very temporary, you know what I'm saying? You work through it, and then you move on versus if you're constantly feeling that way. But, I mean, there's a lot of people who are secretly in their heart, very, very evil and mean and unkind. And they can hide it for a while, but eventually it kind of comes out. Like in this scenario where she's now finding this stuff on his computer. It's so wild to me how different people can be in their heart versus what they perform and what they present.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And, like, you know, again, some people are really good at performing and keeping it hidden. But then, you know, they say, like, if you squeeze a lemon, you're gonna get lemon juice. Right? Like, you're not gonna get apple juice if you squeeze a lemon. And ultimately, the point is that whatever is on the inside is what comes out when someone gets squeezed. And so if this person has hatred in their heart, then this person squeezing them, that's what's gonna come out. You know what I'm saying? So, like, you can hide it, but, like, ultimately, you can't fake who you are forever, is basically what I'm saying. And a lot of people love that in their heart, are really not great people.

[A]

I literally just like, yes, I need to roll the tapes. And, like, I need. I'm listen to it again when Jenna sends me the edit. But, like, whatever you squeeze is what you're going to get.

[B]

I'm like, okay, Confucius, I think I said It. I don't know how I said it,

[A]

but yeah, it was perfect. No, it just, like, it makes total sense because, like, you can hide so much under a mask, but, like, when it comes down to. It's like when you boil it all out, like, who is that person at their core? And totally, how ugly are they or how kind are they or whatever?

[B]

Totally.

[A]

Yeah. No, it made total sense.

[B]

And it's also malleable. I think that, you know, people can change. I mean, one of the things I talk about in Rookie is that the hard work is the hard work. And it's a lot like gardening, right? You have to constantly be tending to, you know, putting the weeds and planting the right seeds and stuff. And the more you dwell on negative thoughts, like this guy, it seems like he's dwelling on a lot of negative things. The more it kind of darkens your heart, and then the more bitter and sour and resentful you are. But I think if you practice more, again, venting is one thing, but if in general, you practice more kind, considerate, loving, forgiving thoughts, then eventually that kind of conditions your heart into maybe a more kind heart. You know, it comes down to, like, you have a choice until you don't. And if you continue to dwell on negative things and continue to look at all the bad things in people and all the things you hate about them, like, eventually you can't help but hate people. But if you continue to choose, like, kind and considerate, loving thoughts toward people, it softens your heart, and then it becomes a lot easier to be loving towards people. But I don't really know the point of what I'm saying right now.

[A]

No, I really appreciate it. I think it is an important kind of thing to remember because our brains, everything's so connected, and it's like if you continue to think a certain thought, you're reinforcing that. Yeah, it's like I always say, like, your brain is like a muscle. And everyone's like, your brain's not a muscle. It's like, duh. Okay, yeah, duh. I know that. But it is in the sense where it's like your brain is constantly pruning, and if you don't use it, it'll prune it away. If you use it, it strengthens that neural pathway. And so if you think bad thoughts about yourself or if you're, you know, in a bad headspace, you're, like, confirming that in your brain that, like, this is normal. This is where I should be. That becomes stronger.

[B]

Absolutely. And I was in Little Shop of horrors in New York.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And, you know, it's like 90 pages of script to memorize and all that stuff. You know, in rehearsals, you'll, like, get a note and they'll be like, oh, this line is not what you thought it was. And so the way to remember that line is to go back and correct that line in your head over and over and over again until it sticks. And then you show up at rehearsal and you just open your mouth and it comes out naturally. Like, you don't have to think about it. Your subconscious just. Just knows. Right. Because your brain, you've wired that pathway in your brain so many times that naturally it comes out. And so it's interesting because learning those lines taught me so much about my brain and that the. The things I repeat and continue to. To really implement into my brain become the automatic script that. That runs my thoughts in my life.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And so this deep on two. On taste.

[A]

No. Well, now I'm going to. I had a story I was going to read, but I actually think this one I had, like, it was a few tabs down. But I think where we're at right now, I actually think this train of thought would really lend itself to this story. And it's. It is a little bit of a deeper one. It's. It's coming from R. True off my chest. But I think you're like, really, especially knowing what you've written in this book, going to have some good takes on it. This episode is brought to you by State Farm. We didn't call this podcast one hot take for a reason. Sometimes you just need a second opinion. Someone help you figure out if yes, you might actually be wrong. And hey, insurance isn't that different. You want someone in your corner helping you make the right call. That's where State Farm comes in. With over 19,000 local agents, they're there to help you choose the coverage that fits your life. They've got your back, so you don't have to do it alone. Visit statefarm.com to learn more. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there. This episode is brought to you by CeraVe Hair Care. The reality is, scalp is skin, and I probably wasn't taking very good care of mine. The good thing is CeraVe is reinventing hair care with dermatologists. And after just a few washes, my scalp is feeling so much happier. And it's thanks to the gentle hydrating and oil control balancing shampoo and conditioner. Suitable for sensitive scalps and all hair types. CeraVe Hair Care is formulated with three essential ceramides and free from sulfates and fragrance. Scalp is skin and healthy scalp beautiful hair. Visit sarah v.comhaircare to learn more. Available online and in stores at retailers nationwide. So this next one true off my chest titled I Keep Mourning the Person I Could have Been I've spent a significant portion of my life feeling emotionally insecure in the presence of others. Even when someone shows kindness towards me, a part of me anticipates the moment that they will change, abandon, replace, humiliate, or cease to care for me. Consequently, I tend to overanalyze every interaction. Minor exchanges linger in my thoughts for years. A fleeting glance, a compliment, an act of rejection, being overlooked, or someone opting for another person over me. My mind assigns profound emotional significance to events that others would likely swiftly forget. I find myself in constant comparison with other women, not just occasionally, but incessantly. I scrutinize their appearance, personality, relationships, the attention they receive, their popularity, how loved they appear, and their innate confidence. I evaluate myself against all these factors, and I nearly always feel inadequate. For years I've held the belief that if I were more attractive, more lovable, more engaging, less emotional, or less damaged, then people would ultimately choose to stay. Even when someone expresses care for me, I find it challenging to fully accept it because deep down, I anticipate rejection more than acceptance. I often presume that people secretly dislike me, tolerate my presence, feel pity for me, or will eventually leave once they truly understand who I am. I obsessively replay painful memories, feelings of embarrassment, bullying, rejection, awkward encounters, exclusion, and a sense of being unwanted. My mind revisits these experiences repeatedly, as if they are occurring in the present moment. I form deep emotional attachments even when little has transpired between myself and the other individual. Sometimes the attachment is not solely about the person themselves, but rather what they symbolize for me emotionally validation, being chosen, being acknowledged, and feeling sufficient. When I observe someone that they have selected in place of me or someone who possesses qualities I perceive as lacking in myself, it can evoke intense feelings of jealousy, sadness, and comparison. I long for deep love, reassurance, safety, consistency, and emotional intimacy, yet I find it hard to fully trust it when it does come my way. This likely leaves me feeling emotionally drained, as my mind is constantly on the lookout for signs of rejection, abandonment, or comparison. I don't believe I hate myself because I was born with that feeling. I think I developed it over time through ongoing emotional pain, comparison, rejection, loneliness, bullying, and feeling invisible. Eventually, those experiences shifted from being events that happened to me to becoming Evidence of my identity.

[B]

Wow. Yeah. No, I think that's huge. And I can definitely relate to a lot of what she said. And I think that. Damn. You know, I think it's interesting because it's not to say that you can't still point to other people and blame people for certain things, but I found that I have. Just as much as I'm worried about people scrutinizing me, I'm scrutinizing myself, or I'm beating up myself, or I'm not showing myself compassion. And when that started to shift for me, when I started to show myself compassion and grace and be kinder to myself, then I stopped needing it so much from other people. It's so interesting with our identities, you know, when we place them in the fickle, fleeting opinions of others. Like, for example, if your worth isn't how you look, then good luck. Because you change every day, you know, and there's some days you're going to feel better, some days you're not going to feel as good. And you cannot be at the mercy of the ebbs and flows of how you look. Right.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You can obviously seek and yearn for acceptance and friendship and connection, but you also cannot need it in a way that when you don't get it, it's the end of the world and you take it personal, you know, And I think being somebody who has dealt with a lot of public opinions that shift so frequently, I. I've learned that I can't need the approval of others to feel approved. I can't need the adoration of others to feel loved or. You know what I'm saying? And so it's easier said than done, and it's quite. But I think it starts with you and it starts with how you treat yourself. And when I feel like I love myself and I have at least a couple friends that also love me, then I don't need a billion people to love me because I already feel loved. When I don't believe that I'm lovable, when I don't even love myself, then I'm constantly trying to find others to overcorrect that. And the reality is I'm actually maybe a good thing that she's not getting this approval and adoration that she wants because it's teaching her that she can't rely on it. You know what I'm saying? I know that's maybe backwards and that sounds maybe fucked up, but.

[A]

No, and I do think that, like. I mean, there's so many, like, moments in your book that I'VE dog eared that kind of fit this story. But I agree where it's like you can't rely on others. Like you do need to be self sufficient in your self love because people can be fickle or you know, you just, you need that innate drive and it's hard to get there. Everyone deals with insecurity, everyone deals with comparison and feeling like crap. No one feels great about themselves 100% of the time.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And so for this person I'm like, I think you should 100% go to therapy and start looking more within and like building upon yourself because you do deserve happiness, you do deserve love and everything you know, they're saying in, in this. But I think also opening up to someone else can be so healing and let you get to that point of self love to then where you're, you're practicing gratitude for what you do have and how you look and how you're able to move your body and what talents you have because just practicing gratitude alone. And again that muscle memory can be so life changing and like you have here vulnerability is almost, almost always met with vulnerability.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And it's so true. Like this person has all these thoughts but like doesn't mention, you know, opening up. They're more like if anyone knew me, they would run away. But for me, one of my best friends, we're friends because literally the first night I met her, I opened up and just shared about how messed up my family is and where I came from. And she was like, I'd never had anyone be so real. And everyone's always trying to put on this perfect front and make themselves look better. And it's like, no, no, no. You were so vulnerable. And she used that word, vulnerable. And it's like open up. Like you never know who is gonna meet you and how much better you could be for it.

[B]

Totally. You know, I think being able to be vulnerable and talking through that stuff and like her feelings are so valid. And I think that a lot of the issue we have today is a hyper obsession with ourselves. So it's all about is this person liking me? Does this person think I'm cool? Do they approve of me? And it's so funny cause my friend was calling me the other day, she was going on a first date and she was like, I don't know, all these thoughts are coming up like, what if he doesn't like me? What if this. I'm like, what if you don't like him?

[A]

Yeah, like, what if instead of looking

[B]

at it like am I gonna do well in this audition, you're going into it being like, do I even like this person? And being curious about them and less about you. And if both parties are curious about the other person, that's beautiful, and that's where relationship can start. But if you're going into it trying to prove that you're worthy of love or trying to whatever you're. I think you're focused on the wrong thing. And that's not to say we shouldn't, again, take care of ourselves. And that's not to say we shouldn't look after ourselves and that we're not important. I think that we sometimes get too carried away with ourselves, and we're constantly looking at ourselves. That's when we're so depressed and anxious. But, like, go give a sandwich to a homeless person and help remember what life's really about. Life's not about being liked by everybody or feeling cool or popular or included or special. Like, yes, we're each individually special. And also, there's 8 billion people that are special. And when you go and you do things that aren't about you and you serve and you just reframe what's important in life. And I think the cure to a lot of our anxiety is community and service and remembering that we are a part of a larger whole. And it's both very deep and also not that deep.

[A]

Yeah, no, I 100% agree with you. And there was a video I saw recently, and they were talking about insecurity, and they're like, insecurity is essentially thinking too much of yourself. And it's very, like, selfish and almost, like, narcissistic in a way, because it's like, no one's thinking about you that much. Yeah, like, no one.

[B]

The best way.

[A]

Like, literally, it's like, no one's liberating way. No one cares that much. So it's like you're your own worst critic. You're your own worst enemy in a lot of sense. And it's just like, stop being so hard on yourself.

[B]

Like, and a lot of. And a lot of times people are judging themselves not based on what other people are thinking, but what they think other people are thinking.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And so they're punishing themselves with these thoughts, presuming that other people are thinking it when so often they're not. I mean, obviously it's different when. If you, like, read a comment online about yourself or whatever. Like, that's. That's maybe different, but most of the time, the things we torture ourselves with aren't even accurate. To what people are really thinking.

[A]

I know. And there's multiple studies that show that. Yeah, there's so many studies. There's like, two studies that come to mind where it's like, our ability to predict what other people are thinking about ourselves is so wrong. You're so off base. And actually being able to predict what people are thinking about you.

[B]

Right.

[A]

And then there's another study. It's called, like. Like, the liking gap.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And it's like, if someone were to ask you, like, hey, Josh, like, how much do you think Morgan likes you? And you'd be like, I don't know, like, 20. She doesn't like me that much. And they would ask me, like, how much do you like Josh? I'd be like, 90. He's so cool.

[B]

What the hell? What's the 10 about? What did I do?

[A]

I don't know.

[B]

Do I smell? No. Was it because I farted earlier?

[A]

It was. You tried to. I didn't hear it, though. You didn't mention it. But it's just, like, an example where it's just like, we're so off in how much we value ourselves and.

[B]

Right. People's opinions are so fluctuating. Like, you cannot be at the mercy of how people feel at any given moment to your worth. You know, your worth can't be dependent on that. And obviously, easier said than done, but I've actually been thankful for being at the center of a lot of, like, hatred and. Or people disliking me so much, whether that's they dislike my art or they dislike me even though they don't know me. They. They dislike the idea of me.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Because it's forced me to have no other option but to not identify with people's opinions of me. And obviously, everyone wants to have community and, like, basic friendship, and those things are crucial. But sometimes in the rejection, you learn that you don't need their acceptance in order to feel valuable.

[A]

Yeah. No, I think you know, you. You said, like, there's 8 billion people out there. Like, you can find your people. You can find the ones that will see you and won't run at your insecurities. And if there's people out there that talk ill of you or whatever or don't know you, it's like, they don't matter. And you talk about in your book, and you're like, I went from, like, having the worst week of my life to then, like, you were in the hospital basically being told you had, like, 12 hours to live. And it's like, what was happening Online, it's just like, that was so irrelevant when your life literally ended up being on the line 100%. It's like, it just proves how fickle and stupid some of the noise can be. And, like, no, this is what really is important.

[B]

Absolutely. And, you know, it's interesting too, because years before that, you know, I was in San Diego and there was this, like, rumor being spread around me that wasn't true, and it was really upsetting and, like, my friends, like, didn't believe me. The rumor wasn't of anything immoral. It was more embarrassing, but it still wasn't true. And so I remember there was this time where, like, for a month, like, every day, I would see the friend. So I heard a rumor and I'd be like, it's not true. And they'd be like, be honest. And I'd be like, dude, like, whatever. And so no one believed me. And then I had one friend left that I was like, if she. As long as I have her, then I'm fine. And she called me that night and said, hey, I heard this rumor about you. And I was like, it's not true. And she didn't believe me. And I remember crying myself to sleep, being like. Like, no, I guess I don't have any friends that, like, really believe me or see me or whatever. So I cry myself to sleep. And then I woke up to a phone call from my manager saying, hey, you have to move to LA today. And so my whole life changed and I moved to la and I, like, I found a bunch more friends. And then some of them betrayed me and some of them I couldn't trust. And I felt like, oh, man, maybe I can't trust anyone. And over time, you know, I've. I now have, like, these incredible lifetime friends that. That maybe took a little bit more time to. To find and to really establish connection with. But, you know, I've gone through cycles of, like, feeling like I can't trust anyone, feeling like I have no friends, being. Being alone, living in my car, being completely isolated. And, you know, I think that, that sometimes that's the natural cycle in life. But like I said, it made me get to a point where I no longer needed the acceptance of others in order to feel acceptable, in order to feel loved. And so I'm in a much healthier place now. But if anyone's going through a time where they feel like no one gets them or they feel like they're alone, you're not alone. And there are people out there that you're gonna Love and make so many memories with. And though this season might be difficult, it's not forever. It's just a season.

[A]

Absolutely.

[B]

Or whatever.

[A]

Mic drop. No Mic drop. Absolutely. You mentioned something that I wanna move on to with this next story, which you have an organization that you started with a friend.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Sammy's Sammy Sunday. Sammy Sundays.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Which can you tell everyone what your organization is about?

[B]

Yeah. So Sammy Sundays started with me and my friend Rita both feeling like we wanted to help the homeless community, specifically in la. And, you know, the main thing we hear from the unhoused is that the hardest part about being homeless is not hunger. It's being ignored. It's being treated like they don't exist. It's lack of belonging. And so we kind of looked at sandwiches and care packages. Though they are vital for survival, they're a vehicle for connection. And so we started giving out 300 sandwiches and 100 care packages to the unhoused in LA every week. And that was a way for us to build community. And there'd be people there who said the last time they ate was a week ago and we gave them a sandwich and they have no friends. The only people they talk to is us. One person said, the only friends I have are you, Rita, and Jesus. And this guy also called us at like three in the morning. He had like a meth relapse. So it's beyond just like seeing them once a week on Sundays. It's like we're now, like, doing life with these people and, like, again, they'll call us in a moment of crisis and maybe we're the last person they. The only person they have to reach out to.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And so, yeah, we started that. Right now we're pivoting and we're trying to figure out how to. To grow it on mass scale. But, you know, for like over 150 weeks, we were every single week, essentially.

[A]

So, yeah, it's remarkable and so needed. And thanks. It's a really important organization, one that, like, when you pivot or whatever you're gonna do. I'd love to come.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Join you because it's. It's just amazing. But you know a thing or two about organizations and volunteers, and I'm curious what your take on this next one is.

[B]

Okay, great.

[A]

This episode is brought to you by Credit Karma. When it comes to your money, Credit Karma keeps you ahead of the game. You can count on Credit Karma to keep up with your financial needs. As they evolve, they'll help you monitor your progress and give personalized recommendations. So you can make strides towards your goals and find your way to money. Make sure you're on the right track no matter where you are on your financial journey. Intuit Credit Karma Karma you can count on this episode is brought to you by Planet Oat Oat Milk. Some people like their coffee hot, some like it iced. But if you want the perfect pour that's rich, smooth and delicious every time, you've got to check out Planet Oatmeal. It's made for every cup. There are varieties like Planet Oat Barista Lovers Oat Milk, great for frothing and steaming, or Planet Oat Unsweetened. Oat Milks come in three varieties and are zero grams of sugar. So whether you're Team Hot or Team Iced, discover your favorite oat [e-mail] not a low calorie food so this is coming from Am I the Asshole? It's titled Am I the Asshole for telling a volunteer that they can either serve LGBTQ children or leave the organization. This is a throwaway so it doesn't get traced back to our organization and make drama in our community. I run a summer camp for kids with a specific medical disorder. I am the camp director. Because of genetics, many of our community have familial relationships. The organization is completely run by volunteers, including myself. I don't have the medical needs of the camp, but over the years of working in it, I've been accepted by the community. This past year, one of our longtime campers teenager came out as bisexual. One of our other volunteer cabin counselors, who has been with the organization since before I started working with the camp, has said that they don't feel comfortable with that and has asked that this child not be placed in their cabin. I told the volunteer that their job was to love, fuck off, care for, and support the kids. Yeah, if the child's bisexuality got in the way of it, then I wouldn't be needing them as a volunteer at the camp at all. I told them that they didn't need to agree with every life decision the kids made or even openly support the team about their sexuality. If they wanted to, they could just not say anything about it. They're a volunteer and I can't police their beliefs. But not only was it not reasonable for the counselor to make that request, but it also made me question if they were suited to take care of and support any kids at all. I need cabin counselors who love the campers unconditionally. As a side note, our camp is so small in numbers that even if this person weren't the child's cabin counselor. They would interact with that child. Other people in the organization told me that we need the volunteers, and I was too harsh. It wasn't that big of a deal to just deal and just put the counselor with a different cabin. Yeah, we always need volunteers, but we need the right volunteers. And this makes me think they aren't the right volunteer.

[B]

Correct.

[A]

Some parents and former campers got wind of it, probably from the volunteer. And they have told me that this volunteer has been a part of the camp family for a long time, longer than me, and I overstepped my authority. Did I overreact?

[B]

Nope.

[A]

Am I on a power trip? Now that I've heard the feedback, I'm wondering if maybe it was too much. They've been a good counselor in the past. I think I might be the asshole, because I was kind of giving an ultimatum. That could be unreasonable.

[B]

No, you're not the asshole. I don't care how much time you serve. I don't care if you bend over backwards and break your back to help people. If you don't have love in your heart, then I don't want your help. To be honest, there's plenty of people who can help. And I think that you're doing more damage than you are good. And I think that we live in this weird age where people think that being right is more important than being loving. And I say right in quotation marks because in her mind, she's like, doing the right thing is by not accepting this child. And I'm like, okay, so I'm assuming that they maybe have this belief based on some religious belief. Who knows why they have this belief? But do you really think that, you know, I mean, we don't have to get into this. It's a whole thing. But I. I just can't believe that people will, like, kick out their kids for being gay because they think it's the loving thing to do. I'm like, it just. It blows my mind, and it makes me so deeply upset. And I think that that camp counselor has every right to kick out that person for not loving their child. No questions asked for me.

[A]

I completely agree. I think they said it best where it's this line, but it made me question if they were suited to take care of and support any of the kids at all.

[B]

Right.

[A]

I completely agree. It's like, insert X, insert Y. It's like, if that is gonna dictate whether you help that child or support them or not, you're not right for the Camp. And I think something that you've really kind of openly talked about because you're very open about faith and finding faith. And I listened to your episode with Zach sang, and you're just like, that hatred or that inability to be open and loving is not what Jesus would want.

[B]

Correct.

[A]

And so I think it's just like. It's very interesting in the way that especially in today's times, people will just weaponize their beliefs. And it's like, do you real, like, do you really think that's what the higher power would want?

[B]

Yeah. They're judgmental and they're hateful in the name of love. To claim to know and serve a God of love and then turn around and be hateful and judgmental is almost worse off. You know, that's what I believe. When it says, don't take the Lord's name in vain and sort of try to bear the name of God or say that you belong to God or that you love and serve God, it says, you cannot claim to love God and then hate his children. Right. And it just does not add up, you know? And I think that I'd much rather somebody have no faith at all and be loving, kind, considerate, compassionate, patient, caring, than have somebody who claims to know the right beliefs, quote unquote, and yet has no love in their heart at all.

[A]

I know.

[B]

And again, it's a shame because I think this person thinks they're doing the right thing.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I wish I could shake them and just say, you're missing the whole point. You're missing the whole point. I know.

[A]

It's like the lemon really did get squeezed a little bit here. Like, the moment of being uncomfortable, and then it's like the. The nastiness, like, really came out. It's like, you've been at this camp for how long?

[B]

Right?

[A]

Like, do you. Do you really think none of the kids you've ever worked with don't identify?

[B]

Maybe that's why they haven't come out.

[A]

And it's just like. It's just like, come on. It's like, OP here, who is the, like, director, isn't even saying, like, you're done. OP gave them a choice and is like, if you can't have that in your heart and work with this kid, like, right then I don't know if it's a good fit. OP's not even being like, no, you're done. That's messed up.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And so it's like this person is making their own choice.

[B]

Yeah. Op, you're not an asshole. You're my hero.

[A]

Yeah, not the asshole.

[B]

You're standing up what's right.

[A]

And that was the overall vote on the post, not the asshole. Your instincts were right on this one. Says the top comment. Health is part of intersectionality. If even one person in a position of power within your small medical community is going to leverage another facet of someone's identity to treat them as other, you will have a culture problem. End quickly. Your board is not going to remove you. Good on you for checking. Is it possible for you to leverage the camp's external comms resources to express solidarity during Pride Month or to do something otherwise signal your intentions to accept all? It may help mitigate a volunteer who wants to burn your reputation. Because that's the other side of this too. There's all these other volunteers now being like, you reacted too harshly.

[B]

They gotta go. It's just like, I know a girl who runs these. She built these tiny homes in Visalia and it's like world changing stuff. And she, you know, deals with a lot of donors who are hyper religious and she wears a pride flag pin to show anyone that wants to come stay there that they're safe.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I think it's awesome. She's not herself. She doesn't identify as queer, but she wears that to. To make people feel welcome.

[A]

I'm an ally.

[B]

Yeah, exactly.

[A]

It's appreciated.

[B]

And. And she'll have donors withhold like tens of millions of dollars because of that. And she will say, I don't want your money. I'll find someone else with money. Because it's not about that. You know what I'm saying? I'm not gonna lower the bar or I'm not gonna abandon my morals just to get your money and to appease you. And again, it's like, I would rather not have your money and find it elsewhere than have money that comes with hate, division and ignorance, you know? So I think it's really admirable what she does. And she really sticks up for what's right, no matter the cost. And I think that it really just signals to the other people that are part of the community that she cares. And she. She's not gonna go back on what she believes for a couple extra pennies. Hundreds of millions of dollars are not pennies, but.

[A]

Yeah. No, that's insane.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It's absolutely incredible.

[B]

Yeah. It's so funny, people, we're talking about helping the homeless here, right? It's insane to me how if she's too Christian, they won't donate and then if she's not Christian enough, they won't donate. And they have all these stupid beliefs about what she needs to believe. And I'm like, we're missing the point here. This is a humanitarian crisis. This is not about faith. You know what I'm saying? This isn't about your beliefs. This is about making sure people are fed, making sure they're taken care of. And it blows me away the amount of people with money who don't give it away because somebody doesn't believe what they believe, or they will only give away money under conditions. Or like certain homeless organizations, they'll say, you can only stay here if you memorize these Bible verses or if you pledge XYZ thing. Like, what the fuck are we talking about here? They think they're doing God a favor. Like, oh, my God, sorry. I get. I get so fucking wild.

[A]

Well, you're in it. I mean, you're so in it with your organization, and it's clearly a passion project for you. And it's absurd to me. It's just like, look at the organization. Is it a cause? You believe in helping homeless people? Yeah. Okay, cool. Is it being run ethically? Yeah. Okay. That's it. Bottom line.

[B]

Totally.

[A]

Two questions, 100%.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah, I agree.

[A]

It's just like, it's silly and I hope people wake up. Yeah.

[B]

It makes me actually upset. Like, last night I was going on a whole rant with my friend in the car about how we have all the resources, and now this is a detour. But fuck it, we have the resources to end homelessness, to end hunger. There are certain people who could sneeze out money that they would never even know is gone. That could literally solve, like, majority of the crisis.

[A]

Isn't that unreal?

[B]

It makes me so upset.

[A]

Like billionaires and trillionaires. I'm like, what? What's. What do you need it for?

[B]

And the thing is, they'll tell you. They'll justify and go, well, I earned my money fairly, or whatever. I'm like, okay, fairly. That's arguable. But still, maybe you did earn your money fairly. Yeah, great. You're technically right. But we're not talking about a matter of did you technically earn money? This is a humanitarian issue. This is an emotional issue. Like, how do you sleep at night and not hear the cries of the oppressed and those who are dying of hunger or who are dying in war zone or whatever? Like, how does that not keep you up at night? Do you know what I'm saying?

[A]

No, my brain is fried. I'm so overwhelmed with everything going on.

[B]

To also take personal responsibility for how can I do it better? I have to make sure I don't point the finger too much and remember that I have my own work to do. And that's kind of what birthed Sammy Sundays is. We kind of were looking around, being like, when are people going to start helping this issue? And we were like, well, if they're not going to do it, we're going to do it. And hopefully inspires more people to do it. And so it took me and Rita just deciding, like, fuck it, let's do it. And all of our volunteers have said at one point or another, I've always wanted to do this. I just never knew when or how. And it took me and Rita making a decision. And so part of me shakes my fist at those in power that can do something about it that don't. And then I also remember that I also have privilege and I also have power, and I have to find out how to utilize that. So leave down in the comments anyways, in which we can be working together to help.

[A]

No, I just. It's so important. And, like, I heard somewhere, like, you're like, I'm a mom, Donnie, super fan. And I'm like, it's just a great example of, like, you can, like, do these grassroots initiatives that turn out to be so big. And, like, I don't think people realize, like, what he did to help taxi drivers and their medallions. And it's just like, I went down a rabble filling potholes. I mean, the pothole thing is, like, how many potholes he's already filled.

[B]

He filled every pothole in New York in one day or whatever.

[A]

It's just insane. So I think there is hope. And it's just like, how can we all come together to, like, really.

[B]

I agree.

[A]

Show up and make a difference. And it can feel so paralyzing where you're like, everything's shit.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But starting small, starting, like an organization or going and volunteering with one that exists, It's. Yeah, that's how you start.

[B]

Yes, agreed. And finding what your unique gift is. Right. Like, some people are really gifted speakers. Some people are really gifted bakers. Some people are really good at. You know, there's a whole spectrum, obviously, of things that people are good at. And it's like, okay, how can you use your gift? How can your purpose and your passion align? How can you do. And again, we were not talking about, like, necessarily give away your whole life just for, like, helping others. Although that would Be awesome. Like, you know, what about even like, 70, 30, where you work 70%. And then 30% of it is, like, making the world a better place. And I just got my first tattoo. It's a spark.

[A]

Cute.

[B]

The idea is that one spark can start a forest fire. One person can change the world.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I did the math, and if every single person in the world donated 2 cents, it would raise 120, $82 million instantly. But if every single person in the world donated $2, he would raise over $16 billion instantly. Now think about $20. Right. You know, you just keep going from there.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Everyone thinks, like, what? What. What change can I make? I'm just one person. But if everyone has a mentality, then no one makes a difference. And if you look in history, it's just a couple of people. Very few people who had the courage and had the willingness to say, I'm gonna do something if no one else is. But if everyone were to have that mentality. We live in a day and age of connection where we can collaborate in ways that we've never been able to collaborate before. And we see it. There's so many awesome people like Jimmy Darts who will find a homeless person and will start a GoFundMe. And, you know, a hundred thousand people will donate a dollar, and that person gets a hundred thousand dollars.

[A]

Yeah, I know. They get a house and.

[B]

Exactly. But each person has a small thing to do. I mean, maybe people with more money have more to do.

[A]

Yeah, let's just tax the billionaires.

[B]

Exactly. Right. Heaven forbid they pay their fair share. But anyways, yeah. Again, I think the more. The sooner we understand that we can each do even a small thing to make the world a better place. And never underestimating your ability to change someone's life.

[A]

Yeah, no, I'm with you. And just get involved. And I think, like, to your point of, like, just what is your passion? What's your talent? And, like, how could you use that? Like, even baking, someone being like, well, I'm just a baker. How can I help? I don't think people realize that, like, at food shelves, birthday cakes are, like, so needed and wanted. It's like, if you're a baker, bake a cake and donate it to the food shelf. Because when someone is in such a dire place, a birthday cake is, like, the last thing they're gonna prioritize. Yes, but it's so special and so important still. So there are ways for everyone to find their passion, their niche, and make a difference.

[B]

Absolutely. I agree.

[A]

Okay. I Have one last one that's like super short just to end us on.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And it's just kind of a reset because a lot of these were super heavy. This last one is coming from True off my chest. It's titled. Something I saw today reminded me there are still good people out there. I was standing in line at a grocery store today, and in front of me there was a woman with a small child. When it was her turn to pay, her card didn't go through. And you could see that she was getting embarrassed because people were waiting behind her. She quietly started putting back some of the groceries on the counter. Then the guy behind her told the cashier, add the rest of her items to his bill and paid for them like it was nothing. He didn't wait for a thank you and just walked away. The woman looked like she was about to cry. And that small moment honestly stayed in my mind the whole day because it reminded me that kindness still exists.

[B]

Yes. Amen. It made me think of when I was working at Legoland when I was 16. Yeah.

[A]

Oh, my gosh.

[B]

Some guy tipped 50 bucks. And that was life altering for me. And I thought about it for two weeks straight. It was less about having 50 extra bucks and more about how he could be so casually generous, expecting nothing in return. And it wasn't even second thought to him, like she said. And that one act of generosity radically changed my life in the way that I look at generosity. And the ripple effect of that went so far beyond what I've ever seen. Obviously, you don't need to be giving people $50. Not everyone has $50 to give away. But little acts like that have such a profound ripple effect on the world. And so I. I try to remember that too, that those little acts of kindness, like, they really do go a long way. So, yeah, I love that. I think that's awesome.

[A]

Good note to end on. Josh, thank you so much for being here. Thank you, everyone. Check out the book, rookie. But anything else you wanna. You wanna share with people?

[B]

No, I just think again, it goes back to what I said. Never underestimate your ability to change someone's life for better or worse. And we, we all have a part to play in making the world a better place.

[A]

Absolutely.

[B]

Thank you so much.

[A]

All of Josh's links will be in the description. Until next time, guys. Bye.

[B]

Peace.

[A]

Sat.