281: Irreversible Icks.. Ft. Ashby

Summary

Two Hot Takes Episode 281: "Irreversible Icks...Ft. Ashby"

Release Date: August 6, 2026
Host: Morgan Absher
Guest Co-Host: Ashby

Episode Overview

In this lively episode, host Morgan Absher is joined by Ashby to explore the theme of "irreversible icks"—those dating and relationship red flags or off-putting behaviors that you just can't unsee or move on from. Scavenging Reddit threads and listener write-ins, the duo dishes out humorous, brutally honest, and sometimes unexpectedly deep takes on stories about boundaries, respect, and the fine line between harmless quirks and dealbreakers. The central question: when does an "ick" cross the line into real relationship-ending territory, and how do people interpret and weaponize the concept of the ick in modern dating?

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

The Power of Language & the “Ick”

[01:01 – 04:26]

• Morgan and Ashby kickoff reminiscing about learning new vocabulary and misusing words, laughing about how mispronunciations (like "epitome") become secret embarrassments—mini icks in themselves.
  • Notable Quote:
    • "Like, I used infamous wrong for, like, my whole life...It's like, no. Like, I hear about you a lot." — Ashby [01:33]
• The hosts transition to the episode's main theme: irreversible icks, defining them as things you "can't unsee" in a partner and will always color your perception.
  • Notable Quote:
    • "It's permanent. It is so locked in and ingrained that that's forever how you're gonna see that person." — Morgan [04:05]

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Story 1: The Baby Talk “Wove” Dilemma

[06:28 – 24:33]
Reddit: r/relationships

• A woman writes that her boyfriend of one month keeps saying “wove you,” despite her repeated requests (6+ times) to stop using baby talk, which grosses her out.
• Both hosts reflect on “personalized” baby talk in relationships and the line between playful endearments and true icks.
  • Ashby: "Do I think this is breakup worthy? No, but it could be a red flag if he's not respecting my wishes." [09:02]
  • Morgan: "Once, twice—maybe. But the OP here says, 'I've told him probably six times now.'" [10:43]
• The issue moves from silly pet names to emotional maturity and respecting boundaries.
  • Ashby observes: “Intent versus effect is huge here. Like, if his intent is to be lovey… but his effect is the opposite, then the intent doesn't matter.” [17:35]
  • Morgan: “This ain’t your person. Especially the fact he’s not respecting what you’re saying.” [11:39]
• Resolution: OP breaks up with boyfriend after he refuses to change and calls her “a bitch” for not accepting his behavior.
  • Notable Quote:
    • "I'm apologizing for the fact that you interpret my affections that way. I'm sorry you feel that way, but I'm not sorry for the baby talk. You just have to get used to it." — Boyfriend [20:34]
  • Ashby: "Truly emotional immaturity and defensiveness, which I think are just really hard kinks to get out of someone..." [21:08]

Timestamps:

• [06:28] Story intro
• [17:35] Emotional maturity & boundaries
• [21:08] Breakup & reflection

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Story 2: The Party Game—Confessing a Diabolical Secret

[25:55 – 37:02]
Reddit: Am I the Asshole

• OP ruins his girlfriend’s birthday by admitting (anonymously but clearly) that he broke up two friends’ relationships in high school by forging screenshots, thinking this was the aim of the "anonymous secret" party game. Everyone else’s "secrets" are harmless and tame.
  • Morgan: “You diabolically, almost like trauma dumped your terror on your girlfriend during her 30th birthday… You kind of just admitted you’re not a good person.” [29:44]
  • Ashby: “If you already knew her take on it and you already explained… maybe bring it up with friends. Her finding out with everyone else… is a big part of the problem here.” [28:08]
• The hosts discuss (and mock) the notion it's ever appropriate to "drop the deepest trauma in a group party game," concluding it’s not just an ick, it’s a major character red flag.
  • Morgan: “Her friends aren’t thinking, ‘Oh, he played this game wrong.’ They’re thinking, ‘Oh no, he’s capable of something creepy and vindictive.’” [36:20]
  • Ashby: “Holistic… that’s the moral of a lot of these stories—it’s not about the game. It’s how you approach situations.” [36:51]

Timestamps:

• [25:55] Story intro
• [31:40] Intent vs. effect
• [36:20] Holistic view & pattern recognition

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Story 3: The Height & Size Negging Girlfriend

[40:22 – 59:38]
Reddit: r/relationship_advice

• A recently divorced man starts dating a younger woman who repeatedly makes emasculating comments about his height (“your height is tolerable for me”) and penis size (“yours is completely sufficient for me—who wouldn’t want bigger though?”). She persists, backpedals, and tries every angle to get him to accept her standards.
  • Morgan: “Every single one was bad. But why are you bringing me down in front of my friends who you're just meeting for the first time?” [47:52]
  • Ashby: “My mom always said, ‘If someone can’t change it in five minutes, don’t say it.’” [47:31]
• The hosts agree this goes far beyond an "ick," touching on emotional ineptitude and boundary violations. There’s extensive talk on emotional intelligence, negging, and when “preferences” verge into hurtful territory.
• OP ultimately breaks up, delivers a sharp rebuke, and Ashby highlights the self-care: “If you see someone and you know that height will always be a problem, that’s respectable that you don’t pursue people that don’t satisfy that for you.” [57:46]

Timestamps:

• [40:22] Story intro
• [47:31] Ashby’s “5-minute rule”
• [51:16] Therapy/coping
• [57:31] Breakup with final analogy

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Story 4: The Blanket Incident—“He Came in the Blanket”

[61:41 – 78:42]
Reddit: r/RelationshipAdvice

• A military wife discovers her husband’s disgusting habit—he “comes in” (ejaculates on) a blanket, leaves it out, and shames her for objecting when she finds out the hard way.
  • Ashby delivers classic commentary: “You can come in as many places as you want... Well, okay, there's a limit there. But… within the confines of your home.” [67:49]
  • Morgan: “It's not so much about the blanket here.” [68:58]
• The main issue isn't the kink but the husband's complete lack of respect for her feelings and refusal to take responsibility—punctuated by telling her to "shut up."
  • “Look, you can come in as many places as you want... But when I communicate that I don't like it, your reaction to that is where I would look for the problem.” — Ashby [67:49]
  • “Maybe that's the biggest ick of it all.” — Morgan [78:44]
• Further context suggests the marriage is already on the rocks, with OP asking about couples therapists and divorce.

Timestamps:

• [61:41] Story intro
• [67:49] Body fluids, respect, and boundaries
• [73:32] Psychological/kink possibilities
• [78:44] Synthesis: disrespect as the biggest ick

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Story 5: Fiance Runs During a Mugging

[81:56 – 96:59]
Reddit: Am I the Asshole

• OP’s fiancé runs away when the couple is mugged (no real weapon), while her brother stands his ground and chases off the aggressor. She feels “the ick,” despite one being fight, the other flight.
  • Ashby: “It's tricky because it is a knee jerk reaction. It's an instinct… honestly, there's no great way to handle it…” [83:15]
  • Morgan: “You can't predict how you're going to act in these situations. But I wasn't even a thought.” [84:50]
• They debate whether this is really an "ick," or more an honest mismatch in values (her love language is safety and security). Both hosts reflect on how different people require different types of partners.
• Resolution: OP breaks off the engagement, feeling a sudden and irreversible shift in her feelings.
  • “Trauma is a very divisive experience. People either become much closer, or they break up.” — Morgan [96:08]

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Story 6: The Camping & Canoe Saga—Selfish Outdoorsman

[103:10 – 112:44]
Reddit: Am I the Asshole

• A man invites his girlfriend (who can’t swim) on a camping trip to a lake, then leaves her alone for five hours while he canoes, dismissing her worries as her own problem.
  • Morgan: “Is it an ick or an overall lack of respect?” [107:12]
  • Ashby: “Communication, like, that's it. If you wanted to go out on the lake for a long time, it's just communicating with your partner.” [105:10]
  • “Wearing a life jacket doesn't magically make a person suddenly able to swim. Do you even like your girlfriend?” — Reddit commenter [111:40]
• The hosts dissect why this is deeper than an “ick”—it’s about empathy and basic partnership consideration.

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The ick: Definition, Weaponization, and Under/Over Reactions

[96:59 – 111:12]

• The episode wraps with a meta-conversation on what “ick” even means, and how the term can both minimize real issues (as an “underreaction” for serious disrespect) and weaponize mild annoyance (as an “overreaction” to harmless quirks).
  • "The word 'ick' has been twisted to the point where now, when it's used, I'm like, how real is, how valid is putting that word on it?" — Ashby [102:49]
  • Morgan: “No, that's not an ick. That's actually a genuine issue, and it could be an underreaction.” [108:24]
  • “It’s dangerous in both regards... it can diminish real issues or be an overreaction.” — Ashby [108:42]

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Pet Names:

  • “Our baby talk version is like hillbilly...hey big dog, get over here big dog!” — Morgan [11:11]

• On Respecting Boundaries:

  • “It's your mess. Clean it up.” — Ashby on the blanket story [70:03]

• On Weaponizing the Ick:

  • “I think, specifically, women tend to attribute something they don't like...as an emotionally altering moment. And I don't think that's fair. I think it's just a dislike.” — Ashby [97:05]

• On Empowerment:

  • “I told her, yes, I did. But I love myself more than I love anyone else. Maybe one day my child will be the exception. But you are not my child.” — OP, breaking up with negging girlfriend [55:33]

• On Emotional Maturity:

  • “You will never be able to break through someone always fighting for themselves.” — Morgan [22:16]

• Meta:

  • “Ick for me equals cringe. And then you have irreversible icks.” — Morgan [97:50]

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Conclusion: The Real Root of the “Ick”

In the end, Morgan and Ashby land on the insight that most “irreversible icks” discussed—whether baby talk, disclosing dark secrets, unresolved body fluid habits, or flighty reactions—aren’t about superficial triggers. They’re about recurring patterns of disrespect, a mismatch in values, or lack of fundamental empathy and communication.

“Every single one of these stories is someone not respecting their partner after they say, 'Hey, I don't like this. Please don't do it again.'" — Ashby [78:47]

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Find More

• Morgan Absher on IG: @morgsyabsher
• Ashby: @ashby (all social platforms)
• Bonus stories & full episodes: Patreon
• YouTube channel: Two Hot Takes
• Merch: Shop

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Episode Timestamps (Major Segments)

• [01:01] Language, mispronunciations & “Icks” intro
• [06:28] Story 1: Baby Talk “Wove”
• [25:55] Story 2: Party Game Confession
• [40:22] Story 3: Height and Size Negging
• [61:41] Story 4: The Blanket
• [81:56] Story 5: Mugging & Running Fiance
• [103:10] Story 6: The Canoe Incident
• [96:59–111:12] Meta: The True Nature and Function (and danger) of the "Ick"

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Bottom line:
Not all icks are created equal. The real ick, say Morgan & Ashby, is ongoing disrespect, lack of empathy, and refusing to acknowledge a partner’s needs—baby talk notwithstanding. Enjoy the banter, but check your red flags!

Transcript

[Ashby]

This episode is brought to you by Facebook. So you were scrolling on Marketplace, and

[Morgan]

there it was, the bike you'd been searching for.

[Ashby]

You sent a message and it turned

[Morgan]

out the seller was super chatty, kind

[Ashby]

of funny, and an avid cyclist. The next thing you know, you're in a cycling crew. Well, a community cycling group. The thing about Facebook, you might find more than what you're looking for. From a browse to a bike ride this summer. Find more on Facebook.

[Morgan]

This episode is brought to you by Universal Pictures. One Night Only, the rom com of the summer, hitting theaters August 7th. Set in New York City, two strangers, played by Monica Barbaro and Callum Turner, try to find love on the one night of the year that single people are legally allowed to have sex. From the director of Anyone but yout Easy A and Friends with Benefits, One Night Only brings a new spin to the modern rom com. You're not gonna wanna miss it. One Night Only, in theaters August 7th.

[Ashby]

Do you know what's funny? I looked up a list of vocabulary for this. I'm actually not even kidding. I wanna sound smarter. And so I went six in the morning, I looked up like, vocab to add to your vocab to be smarter.

[Morgan]

What's your favorite word that you learned?

[Ashby]

Discern.

[Morgan]

Discern. That is a good one.

[Ashby]

And my thing is I can only probably remember, like two words and I will just use them to death. And everyone's like, you learned a new word, didn't you?

[Morgan]

Mm, that's me. And then I'll like, try to learn a new word and then I forget how to pronounce it. And then I just sound.

[Ashby]

Even start using it wrong. And everyone's like, do you know what that means?

[Morgan]

No. No, I don't.

[Ashby]

Like, I used infamous wrong for, like, my whole life. And I would, like, my mom would bring a coworker over and I'm like, ah, the infamous Kelly. And she's like, what the did I do? It's like, no. Like, I hear about you a lot.

[Morgan]

I literally just saw because I was looking for an update from someone's post and I was going through all their post history and they're really involved in this, like, R slash English reading and like an English speaking subreddit for people that are trying to learn English. And it was like, what's one English word that you've been, like, pronouncing. Yeah. The whole time?

[Ashby]

Yeah.

[Morgan]

And it was epitome.

[Ashby]

Epitome. And epitome.

[Morgan]

They were saying epitome. And I'm like, I think I'VE done that too.

[Ashby]

No, I'm not even kidding. That's a story. My, like, senior English class in high school. It was, like, vocab of the week or whatever, and everyone in the class thought it was epitome, and I was the only one that knew it was epitome. And I was like, am I wrong?

[Morgan]

No, you're right.

[Ashby]

Well, I know that I just learned

[Morgan]

B L A N T. A N T. Blatantly. Yeah, I said blanton.

[Ashby]

You're kidding.

[Morgan]

Actually, I'm not that bad after all. No, this is great. It's really bad over here.

[Ashby]

Wow. Where are you from?

[Morgan]

Minnesota.

[Ashby]

Oh, yeah.

[Morgan]

You want to go get on the boat? We'll have a hot dish and maybe a coke.

[Ashby]

Wait.

[Morgan]

Yeah.

[Ashby]

Why isn't she with us anymore?

[Morgan]

She got bullied, right? Can't even say big. It's bag. Can I get a bag? Gone. Ooh, Morgan can't come to the phone right now. She's dead.

[Ashby]

She's dead. You killed her.

[Morgan]

She gone.

[Ashby]

Oh, that's sad.

[Morgan]

But okay, here we go. I'm so excited to have you today. Welcome back to another episode of two hot Takes, you guys. I'm your host, Morgan, and I've got Ashby in the house. Hello, Ashby. Florence, you have such an iconic one name. You're just one namer now.

[Ashby]

Actually, people say I look like Zendaya.

[Morgan]

I can see that.

[Ashby]

Like, a couple people have said that.

[Morgan]

I just. Who was it the other day that was like, blah blah is the white version of blah blah. And it was a, like, black actor. And I was like, I so see it.

[Ashby]

Zara Larson as Beyonce. Well, they don't look like. But, like, she is, like, white.

[Morgan]

Is that what it was?

[Ashby]

Because her vocals are crazy.

[Morgan]

I just saw, like, a Brittany Broski clip, too, and she was like, Matt Damon and Josh Gad look alike. And I'm like, they have the same face.

[Ashby]

They really do.

[Morgan]

When someone merged it and it went in and out in opacity, I was like, oh, no.

[Ashby]

Opacity. Fuck.

[Morgan]

Can you just come tutor me? I think you should be my new language.

[Ashby]

The blind leading the blind. Great idea.

[Morgan]

No, you said discern properly.

[Ashby]

Thank you.

[Morgan]

You did a great job. Everyone's gonna be like, God, Morgan, of course you bring this up on this episode because you're giving me the ick. And that's our vibe today. Irreversible icks. Like, someone just icked you out so bad. And it's not an ick. That can be temporary. And you move along from it's. It's permanent. It is so locked in and ingrained that that's forever how you're gonna see that person.

[Ashby]

Yeah.

[Morgan]

Has your partner ever done anything ick worthy?

[Ashby]

Unfortunately, he's just the cutest thing ever. Oh, you gotta cute and so even, like, because I know there's like a list of icks of, like, him standing, waiting for, like, the shower to warm up. Like, that is the cutest thing that he could do. Like.

[Morgan]

What do you mean?

[Ashby]

He's butt naked waiting for it to get warm. That's so cute.

[Morgan]

I love a boy walking around butt naked.

[Ashby]

Okay, well, hold on. Okay, well, that's not what I was saying. Let's get.

[Morgan]

I don't know. I just like when they just kind of like awkwardly strutting a little pitter patter.

[Ashby]

Right?

[Morgan]

Pitter patter with their big feet.

[Ashby]

Right. Okay. Yeah. There's something about it. Okay, well, that is one thing. I don't like thudding, like, thudding around.

[Morgan]

Oh, no.

[Ashby]

Because I was a quiet walker as a kid and I think that has to do with something. But I was like a tiptoe, you know? Can't be too loud on the creek. But he's a thudder, and I can hear him coming from about three doors down.

[Morgan]

Oh, do you got house shoes for him?

[Ashby]

Oh, no, we're. We're wide. We wear our outdoor shoes inside. I'm full. New Balance, Nike high top, Converse in my bed. Yeah. Just a little bit of my culture.

[Morgan]

I'm. Yeah, I'm scared because.

[Ashby]

What? Cause what? And that's the thing too. It's like, what? Oh, my feet are gonna touch feet. I don't even care. I really don't care.

[Morgan]

You are walking on so many poop particles all day and.

[Ashby]

But so what? I'm not licking my floors. Right. It's like the same thing. It's like whatever touches my butt is none of my problem. Like, that's. That's. I can't. If my butt touches someone else's butt, that's my butt's issue. I like, I'm not gonna go kiss my butt now. It may be an issue for my partner, but I'm not saying, like, I can't. It's not.

[Morgan]

It's okay.

[Ashby]

Out of sight, out of mind.

[Morgan]

Okay, well, we're all just gonna move along past that. I know a lot of us are probably equally disturbed at home, in your car, at the gym, wherever. So let's get into other people's icks before we ourselves ick you out. Yeah. This is great. This is so Great. And I just already know your energy is just going to.

[Ashby]

Oh, I'm glad.

[Morgan]

Chef's kiss. Okay, let's dive in. This first one for us coming from R relationships. Boyfriend of one month keeps telling me he woves me 20 male, 20 female. Okay. Short and simple. And I will say now that I've told him a few times that I don't like it. He first said it one night, love you, heart. And I immediately asked what that means in case he's throwing love out four goddamn weeks in. He said it means, I love you, heart. He's never used baby talk in the six months I knew him before we started dating and never seemed this silly. Question mark. I told him baby talk makes me uncomfortable and the reference to love makes me uncomfortable. This early on, he said he understood. He keeps saying it when I go to bed, though. He'll text me, love you, heart, and says it when he hugs me when we leave after we've hung out somewhere. Every time I tell him to please stop with the baby talk and the wove, I've told him probably six times now, I've said it makes me uncomfortable. Is there a better way to explain this or is this a lost cause? It's very early on, so I'm aware it's better to break up now than put up with it if he refuses to stop. But I'm wondering from an outside perspective if telling him I'm uncomfortable with baby talking may not be clear enough slash easy enough to understand. Maybe he doesn't think it's baby talk in this context. Question mark. I'm mostly just concerned if I've not actually made it clear to him, someone who considers this talk to be normal, that I haven't actually given him fair warning or a chance to change before I dump him, what should I do?

[Ashby]

Okay, first, I don't know. Okay. I love baby talk.

[Morgan]

You're into it, right?

[Ashby]

But. Well, I'm not, like, into it. You know what I mean? But, like, I'll do it, right? But my thing is, like, I don't. I can't subscribe. I don't subscribe to, like, the traditional baby talk, like, the W and the, like, well, I'm not gonna do it, but you know. You know what I mean? And so, like, like, me and my partner, we have our own version of that where it's, like, playful tones and it, like, lightens a situation. Whatever. This is a little cringy in that, like, it's early on and you're using love instead of love, which is like, Its own thing because she's uncomfortable that that's being said early on and then, like, it being layered with it being baby talk that she also doesn't like. I've looked back in my texts with my boyfriend, like, months into dating, and we said baby in every single sentence. It's like, okay, I love you, baby. Have a great breakfast, baby. You know? And I was like, ugh, disgusting. So do I think this is breakup worthy? No, but I think it could be a red flag of like, are you not respecting my wishes? Yeah, it's a bigger theme.

[Morgan]

Yeah. Also just an easy mismatch. Yeah. You were friends and you knew him for six months before you started dating officially a month ago. Yeah. Things are changing. I mean, it's a month in of dating. I think, like, pet names, like, hey, boo. Yeah, have a good night, boo. But I think it is kind of weird a month in and be like, wove you?

[Ashby]

Yeah, that's like a little. Cause then it's like, it almost diminishes another big word off my list. I think it then, like, diminishes the meaning of love when you do get around to saying it for real for the first time. This is tricky. I think it's more. It more boils down to like, is he respecting what you want, what you like and dislike?

[Morgan]

And clearly not. If you've said multiple times now it's made you uncomfortable. It shouldn't take that many times, right? Once, twice, maybe. But Op here says. I've told him probably six times now. Yeah, that's getting excessive.

[Ashby]

Goal is to show or verbalize your affection. And it's not coming across that way. You're. It's not worth it to you. No, there's no.

[Morgan]

I think they're just a mismatch. Like, this would be someone else's yummy and not an ick for them. Like me and my husband. We. Our baby talk version is like hillbilly. I'm like, hey, hey, big dog. Get over here, big dog. What you doing, little doggy? Like, that's like a little doggy.

[Ashby]

That's great inside.

[Morgan]

Yeah, yeah, no, I'm big dog.

[Ashby]

Got it.

[Morgan]

I'm a big dog doing big dog shit. Have you heard that audio?

[Ashby]

I have a couple years ago, actually.

[Morgan]

Still stuck in my stupid head.

[Ashby]

Right?

[Morgan]

Still in there. Right. But I just think, like, you're not. This ain't your person. Especially the fact he's not respecting what you're saying.

[Ashby]

Yeah. I would maybe give it like, one more go in terms of, like, blatantly saying Like, I don't like when you say W. Because she mentioned in there, like, I don't know if it's not, like, if he thinks this doesn't count when I say I don't like baby talk. And then even, like, if that's still not respected, then I would, I would move on.

[Morgan]

But I. I think that's. Yeah. How would you lay the hammer down? Just flat out.

[Ashby]

Yeah. I would be like, look, you keep doing this and it's weird, dude. And I think it boils more down to like, are you respecting what I like and dislike? And then he'd probably say, I'm sorry, I'm so. No.

[Morgan]

Yeah, he loves those soft W's.

[Ashby]

My boyfriend and I have been together for nine years and we started dating when I was 16. He was 17.

[Morgan]

Wow.

[Ashby]

Yeah, we're like elementary school. We've been to the same school our whole life.

[Morgan]

That's so cute.

[Ashby]

Yeah, it's really cute. But also, I loved my whole life. I had a huge crush on him growing up. And so when we like officially started dating, I was so desperate to get to like the love stage because I already loved him. And it was maybe like a month in, similar to this, and I was like laying in his room and I was like. And he's like, what? I'm like, I don't know. I just. I really want to say something, but I don't want to be the one to say it first. And he was like, do you want me to say that I love you? And I was like, do you? So I like fully forced his hand and of course like he meant it, but it was like, I can't hate on this couple too much because it's like I was worse. Like, I'm the problem.

[Morgan]

That's actually a good point though, because they have known each other for six months at least.

[Ashby]

Yeah, I think that could be a real feeling. And it's just he doesn't know how to communicate it in the way that he wants to.

[Morgan]

That is such a positive outlook on this.

[Ashby]

Yeah. Well, that's beautiful. Thank you. That's what people are saying. So.

[Morgan]

Top comment. They don't have that much grace for it.

[Ashby]

Right.

[Morgan]

They say the baby talk annoys the ever living shit out of me as well. If he doesn't listen, then dump him.

[Ashby]

Oh, I am like an optimist. I'm like a realist optimist. So I think, like, give it another shot. If it doesn't go well, then, then pull the trigger.

[Morgan]

But yeah, I'm with you. I'm fully with you. One more last ditch effort. I mean, it's only been a month in, right? You're, you know, transitioning that dynamic of friends for six months, dating for a month.

[Ashby]

Right.

[Morgan]

It could be tricky. Op does respond to that. It makes me feel sick and makes my skin crawl. I'm not a baby or a dog. It feels so skeevy and immature, like a 14 year old in his first relationship. I told him it makes me uncomfortable and I fucking wish he'd listen.

[Ashby]

Oh, okay, so that means it, like, definitely happened again after she posted that. Because she's mad pissed now. Like something happened in between where she is. Like, she'd be mad, Right? Okay, well, then maybe, you know what? I would just end it because I feel like then you're gonna start getting feelings of, like, resentment. Resentment. Yeah, all the bad. All the bad stuff. So you know what? Maybe on to the next.

[Morgan]

Someone does kind of give her a script. Here. Be crystal clear and direct quote, Honey, don't use the word wove or any other childish or baby talk. I don't like it. It makes me uncomfortable. Sometimes people, parentheses guys need very specific pointers and Op responds. I've literally said that almost word for word, but with more explanation. My text to him last night was, babe, for like the hundredth time, she, stop saying you wove me. I told you, baby talk is uncomfortable to me. Especially the word wove, since it's baby talk for love. And this is too early on. Stop. He then apologized and said good night on good terms. I did so too. However, he said wove again today when I said I was going out for a while and wouldn't be able to chat. And because it was by text, I didn't reply as I was A, busy and B, getting so sick of it, I decided to come ask Reddit for help now. But yeah, I need to ask him to explain why he keeps doing something he knows makes me uncomfortable. Beyond the triviality of baby talk, ignoring my requests and willingly making me uncomfortable feels like a red flag. Oh, yeah, we got props over there.

[Ashby]

Wait, that's crazy.

[Morgan]

Yeah.

[Ashby]

Well, there you go.

[Morgan]

I think at that point.

[Ashby]

Yeah, I mean, that's.

[Morgan]

You're kind of done.

[Ashby]

That's. I think maybe he likes defying her in a weird way. Like, I. I don't. Yeah, that. That just gives, like, more emotional immaturity, you know?

[Morgan]

Yes.

[Ashby]

Because I think I read something. I saw a video. I didn't read anything. God damn it.

[Morgan]

What tick tock did you see?

[Ashby]

I read a dissertation on emotional maturity. And how you can tell if someone's emotionally mature, if they accept that, everyone will have a different definition of something. So if someone says, oh, this feels immature or this feels too soon, if your partner is able to see, like, okay, I don't feel this way. I wouldn't define this as immature or too soon, but I respect that they have a different definition that. That's emotional maturity. And so I think that this is just someone that even when their partner over and over, like, time and time again, is like, I don't like this. This. This doesn't feel right to me. They. They can't. Because they're so hard on their reality, they can't switch it over to say that, like, I could be wrong in this, or they have a different perspective on that.

[Morgan]

You know, I could totally see it being that. And I think that emotional immaturity is like his inability to take her serious. Right? It's like, is this him trying to push boundaries and see how much he can egg her on? Maybe. But maybe he is just so emotionally immature that this isn't serious for him. So he's like, I'm gonna keep doing it. Whatever.

[Ashby]

She'll get over it. Intent versus effect is huge here. Like, if he. If his intent is to be lovey or wy, whatever the hell, but his effect is the opposite of that, then the intent doesn't matter. You know what I mean? So, yeah, Rip, we do get a

[Morgan]

little bit of an edit from op. I forgot this is.

[Ashby]

I didn't know I'd go through the story. Oh, yeah, I've never done this before. I'm not on, like, Reddit. Well, I. Well, yes, of course. I look up my name every day, but, you know, it's just to see what's going on. So I'm not. I'm not keen to like that. They can edit stories and do that.

[Morgan]

So you can edit. Sometimes we get an update. Not sure on this one, but edit. I forgot to add, and it might be important. It isn't always just when we say goodbyes. If we're watching a movie or hanging out, he'll play games a lot and I just sort of chill on his bed. He'll turn around and mumble slash, Cottonmouth, a love you and maybe cuddle me. It's not just a thing he uses to end conversations, but it primarily happens when we're saying goodbye. Doesn't really change anything for me.

[Ashby]

Yeah, not really. I think this is more her talking it out and giving herself some. Herself more reasons to. To end it. You Know what I mean?

[Morgan]

So yeah, there's a lot of comments from mop. If I try to get into all of them, we would be here all day. I think people kind of do go off the rails and they, they start like calling his inability to listen to her like abusive and she's like, it's not abusive. Op then starts kind of like defending her like life a bit on the comments, but we do end up getting an update. I know it's been 24 hours, but people felt quite strongly about this, so I'd figured I'd write it out tonight. First, thanks for all the replies. Many helped me really affirm that I was correct to hate the behavior and be upset, but some also helped me work out why he may be doing it. I will mention my use of heart in stuff like goodnights is not exclusive to us. We use it with others as well as ourselves. However, he could still be misinterpreting that. So I took it into account that maybe I wasn't totally clear and maybe he was getting mixed signals. I was due to meet him today and did so intending to ask him to explain why he kept doing it. Not word for word, obviously, but his words were pretty shocking and I remember it very well. Luckily, part of why I wanted to post it tonight was so it's still fresh in my noggin. Here's how it went. Me quote why do you keep using the word and the baby talk when I've asked you not to? You know it makes me uncomfortable and you've apologized, so surely you know it's inappropriate and you should stop. Were the apologies fake? He looked very offended at this suggestion and I think I baited him too much. I regret it since he got angry. What the hell? No, I apologized for making you uncomfortable. Me? Then why do you keep doing the things that make me uncomfortable? Him? Maybe I should be more obvious. I'm apologizing for the fact that you interpret my affections that way. I'm sorry you feel that way, but I'm not sorry for the baby talk. You just have to get used to it.

[Ashby]

Me?

[Morgan]

So you don't care that it makes me uncomfortable him? I do, but you just need to stop being uncomfortable with a normal cute thing. You're being a bitch about it now, honestly, and it's hurting my feelings. What if I say I'm uncomfortable when you don't use baby talk with me? Would you change me? Those are two different things. You're deflecting him. No. I have every right to talk to you how I Want. You're being a hypocrite. Me? I wouldn't want you to suffer with the burden of dating a hypocrite. Then goodbye. Don't ever contact me again. So they broke up.

[Ashby]

Kill him, right? I don't know. I don't know. I guess I would kill him. Wait, that's crazy, right? Truly emotional immaturity and defensiveness, which I think are just really hard kinks to get out of someone because it's. It's like the go to. It's like the knee jerk reaction.

[Morgan]

Yeah. And I mean, he's 20. Like, they're 20. Lot of growing up to do.

[Ashby]

Like. Yeah. But when I was 20, I was, like, pretty cooked. You know what I mean? Like, I was, like, pretty well done. I was in the oven for long enough. Like, I was. I was good.

[Morgan]

Yeah.

[Ashby]

But I feel like, I guess men have it a little different in that they're a couple years behind developmentally.

[Morgan]

I feel like I genuinely. Like, I'm 32 now. I don't feel like I knew who I was until I was, like, 28 even.

[Ashby]

Yeah. But I knew how to act with someone. You know what I mean?

[Morgan]

Like, I knew how to be basic respect.

[Ashby]

Right.

[Morgan]

Right.

[Ashby]

The. The comment of, like, you just need to be okay with it. Like, I'm apologizing for the effect, not the intent. Like, I was talking about. I think that's the biggest issue. And obviously calling someone a bitch is

[Morgan]

crazy to jump to that.

[Ashby]

It's just offensive. It's like you. You will never be able to break through.

[Morgan]

Yeah.

[Ashby]

Someone always fighting for themselves.

[Morgan]

Well, and he keeps popping off. Right. Like, OP ends up going on to say, I was fuming. I walked out, but, like, proud of myself for how quick I reacted and walked off. And then when OP got back to their car, they go on to say he texted me generic, you're overreacting stuff. And when I ignored it, he demanded the gifts back that he had given me. Dude spent a lot of money on me and I never asked for it. I told him the gifts are legally mine once given to me and declared as gifts. I told him I never asked for the gifts and it was his choice to buy them. Live with that choice. Finished by saying, again, do not contact me. I've blocked him on all social media. The gifts were a little too much. Something I also mentioned once, but he gifted again after. Since he only did it once after I said not to. I wasn't going to pull it up on him unless in, like, this situation, he kept doing it. I Did try to refuse the gifts and he got upset until I accepted them. In hindsight, the gifts were starting to do the same thing as the baby talk. I was an idiot for not seeing the red flags sooner than I don't want the gifts and they're somewhat expensive, all still with tags on them. Teddy bears, clothes, shoes and jewelry all bought for me in a month. Now going to a charity shop after Xmas to hopefully make a bit of decent money back for a better cause than some dude who loves me so much he just has to shower me with gifts and ignore my comfort and boundaries. You guys helped open my eyes and make me stop feeling like the bad guy for taking issue with it. I really wanted to understand and explain it to him, but I guess his true colors came out surprising how I didn't ever see or hear about this side of him for six months when we were friends. Thank you all again for your advice and help in the last thread.

[Ashby]

That's why, I mean that's. That's just it. It's like people are so different, you know, in relationships. And I think that's even why, like, I mean, I've been with my partner for nine years and we're still learning about each other. Like the different dynamics, what you go through in life brings out a different side of you. So I don't think you ever stop changing. And I think relationship dynamic would, you know, of course, comparing to a friend relationship. But it sounds like love bombing. It sounds like all those gifts were very much like the gifts which aren't always negative, but care like, coupled with, you know, defensiveness and blaming and stuff, it's. It just gives. Not ready for a relationship.

[Morgan]

No. And just like so hot and heavy from the jump and it's like, okay, yeah, again, you knew him for six months, but you were friends. Right?

[Ashby]

Right.

[Morgan]

And like, I think OP definitely must have like, oh no, this is like only a friend.

[Ashby]

Yeah.

[Morgan]

And now this month they've been together, really in her mind, it's like, okay, no, no, we're starting square one. Truly dating now.

[Ashby]

Right.

[Morgan]

Right. Different.

[Ashby]

Yeah.

[Morgan]

And so to get love and presence, it's just like, yeah, you are too much. This is too hot and heavy.

[Ashby]

And it's like playing house before we even like, yeah, get into it.

[Morgan]

Say it and do it when you mean it. Right. Like this feels performative. Love bombing.

[Ashby]

Yeah.

[Morgan]

Yeah. Cuz I'm like, I love a gift, but I can imagine how it would feel just like too much it.

[Ashby]

It. Yeah. And I think that's just it too Like I have like gift guilt where like I never want anyone to spend money on me. I mean, I'll take it, right? But it doesn't feel good when I receive it.

[Morgan]

I prefer to give gifts, but I love a gift.

[Ashby]

I love a surprise. I think that's just what I. I chased the thrill of a surprise and then I feel really bad. I feel really guilty. I say sorry and they're like, well, yeah, that's just I guess who I am. And then I take it home and I enjoy it.

[Morgan]

Of course I love it.

[Ashby]

But I think that would make me uncomfortable because it would feel like they're trying to supplement something or compensate for something or. Yeah, I don't know. I'm glad she, she was able to successfully end it and feel good about it.

[Morgan]

Broken up, right? Call for them. 100, not a match. And we'll see what you think about this next one. Yeah, yeah. This is coming from Am I the Asshole? Titled Am I the asshole for ruining my girlfriend's birthday party by taking a party game too seriously. Okay. I, 27 male, have been dating my girlfriend, 30 female, for three years. I'm pretty shy and it's caused some friction because I usually keep to myself around her friends. For her 30th birthday, she asked me to make a real effort. Talk to everyone, play games, be social. I agreed. One of the games was where everyone anonymously writes down a secret and the group guesses who it belongs to.

[Ashby]

This is like every like movie ever and it always ends wrong. Like, don't do that.

[Morgan]

I've never played this game before. I didn't really go out in university, so I figured the point was to write your biggest, most shocking secret to win. But everyone else wrote things like, quote, I'm allergic to mango or my mom is 1/8 Greek. Then my turn came and mine was quote, I've broken up two of my friends relationships by anonymously sending fake screenshots.

[Ashby]

How big was that little post it. I feel like that's a mouthful for like a little paper and a hat.

[Morgan]

The room went dead silent. My girlfriend ended the party early and went to stay at her friend's place. She says I made everyone uncomfortable and embarrassed her. I honestly don't understand. Like I get the secret was a lot, but she wanted me to participate, be vulnerable and actually engage with her friends. I did exactly that. The secret was from high school, so it's not like I did that this year. Am I the asshole?

[Ashby]

Okay. I feel like if this was a story that she also knew about, it would Be less jarring.

[Morgan]

Yeah.

[Ashby]

Like, if you already knew her take on it and you already explained to her, be like, oh, this was like a while ago. True, I regret it. Hopefully I won't do it again. Maybe bring it up with friends. If the friends were then like, hey, that was weird. Like, you have someone in your corner being like, oh, like, no, it was a while ago stuff. But her finding out with everyone else, I think is a big part of the problem here. I don't know why he did that. I don't know why you would do that at all. But I think I see his point in that. Like, he thought the game was to really just kind of lay it all on the table.

[Morgan]

I'm gonna be honest. I wouldn't have written down a secret as lame as, like, my mom is

[Ashby]

1/8 Greek because, bitch, everyone's mom is 18 Greek. By the way. That's no secret.

[Morgan]

Like, I would have expected a real secret. But like, his secret is kind of on another level of like two different.

[Ashby]

Right. The spectrum. I think, like, if I did. If I have never played a game before, right. Like, that I wouldn't. Like, I don't go into poker and I start taking my shirt off because I think it's strip poker, you know, I mean, like, I assess the situation. Yeah. I let someone do it first, you know what I mean?

[Morgan]

Or like, aspect.

[Ashby]

Or aspect.

[Morgan]

How crazy do we get with these? Right?

[Ashby]

Like, what are you writing? And then she's like, I'm allergic to mango. And then I would go, okay, well, maybe it's not my deepest, darkest.

[Morgan]

Yeah.

[Ashby]

So I think he may be crazy, but I don't think that's the biggest problem. I think it's more like I don't keep. Like, my partner and I, we don't have secrets that we don't know about each other. So I think the in a group setting in front of her friends, sharing a secret is like, what would upset me the most.

[Morgan]

Yeah.

[Ashby]

You know what I mean?

[Morgan]

I know because it's like there's kind of two problems here. The one he's asking might not be the appropriate question even, because it's like, right. Am I the for ruining my girlfriend's birthday party by taking a party game too seriously? I mean, you diabolically, almost like trauma dumped your terror on your girlfriend during her 30th birthday.

[Ashby]

Yeah.

[Morgan]

And all of her friends.

[Ashby]

Right.

[Morgan]

Like, you kind of just admitted that you're not a good person. Like, to break up not one of your friends relationships, but two fake by creating fake Screenshots. That is a diabolical level of cruelty, meanness, and, I don't know, deranged behavior.

[Ashby]

Like malice, malicious intent.

[Morgan]

Yeah, like, very, very malicious. So, yeah, I mean, you did. Like, you shut down the birthday. It ended after this. So, yeah, you are the asshole for ruining the birthday, not sharing this horrible secret beforehand and dropping it on her. Right. And also doing this.

[Ashby]

Right.

[Morgan]

This is crazy.

[Ashby]

It is wild.

[Morgan]

And for him to be like, the secret was from high school. It's not like, I did it last year.

[Ashby]

It's like, okay. I just. That's so crazy to me. Like, I hate when people say that. Especially, like, when you're. I think he said 27. Like, I know you didn't do it last year, bitch. But, like, you did it, you know? So I. I have no idea what to think about that. I feel like it is more kind of like what you were saying. It's like you. You made it about yourself, and you also chose something that you knew your partner didn't know. And I think that's the problem on her birthday, too.

[Morgan]

Well, and you should have picked a secret that only she knew about you. Right? Like, at least so then one person could guess that it's you. But, I mean, it's very, very clearly gonna be you based on what you just shared. But I do. Yeah, it's just. I don't know. It's also the fact that he's just brushing it off. Like, he doesn't really seem to acknowledge.

[Ashby]

Again, it's like, the effect. I know your intent. Maybe you were confused. Maybe, like, let's benefit the doubt. Let's say he realizes that those moments were wrong. He was immature and young. He should be able to admit that it was not the right time to bring it up, and the effect was not what he intended. But I think here he's like, I don't get it. I don't think it's that big of a deal. Even after seeing how it affected her. I think that's the biggest problem.

[Morgan]

Yeah, it's so crazy. The top comment on this one has actually been removed by a moderator because it. It failed to remain civil. So I think they had some strong words for them. Someone does reply and says a tad harsh. Calling someone a sociopath because they did something naughty at a high school and misread the room at a party. And someone then responds, naughty. Going through the time and effort to make fake screenshots multiple times to sabotage multiple relationships. I think you're downplaying how weird and worrying this behavior was. I'm very curious what the top comment specifically said, but we understand.

[Ashby]

Yeah. Yes. I think sociopath is a little intense, but I think, like, especially, you know, sometimes I flirt with the idea that I may be, you know, placed on the spectrum, if not the funny one. I think there have been social situations where my partner is like, hey, like, they don't know you that well. That type of joke. Or, hey, this, that, and the other, like, where I'm like, what? Like, I thought that was funny or what, Like, I thought they'd be cool, like me sharing that or where I genuinely am not on the same page, where I'm like, oh, I don't understand how that could be taken. That I'm like, oh, wow, maybe there are just different types of reception out there. So I get him in that regard and I have sympathy in that, you know, department of. Like, maybe he really doesn't get why this is wrong to mention. But again, like, you see the effect of it and, like, that's clear as day. Like, who doesn't understand someone saying, like, that was inappropriate? Yeah.

[Morgan]

There's another comment here. Big red box. Lot of awards. Guess you won't need screenshots to end this relationship. You're the asshole.

[Ashby]

Wow, that was great, honestly. Award.

[Morgan]

It's like some slam post.

[Ashby]

I give them an award.

[Morgan]

Do I have any awards to give? Oh, I do. I'm gonna give them one too. I'm gonna give them one too. That's gonna be great.

[Ashby]

I hope. I wish someone would give me an award.

[Morgan]

I'll give you one. You just. You drop me the link.

[Ashby]

I have no idea what my account is.

[Morgan]

Well, you gotta go on. You figure it out.

[Ashby]

Okay.

[Morgan]

And then I'll come find you.

[Ashby]

Okay.

[Morgan]

Okay. Award has been given.

[Ashby]

Yay.

[Morgan]

The next comment that I want to share is the game was to have a laugh, not confess to being horrible. Suspect you will soon be single again. OP does respond to that and says, I don't know how I'm allergic to mango is funny in any way.

[Ashby]

Okay, that I do understand. Have you played Quiplash?

[Morgan]

No.

[Ashby]

It's basically a game where you're either like the most boring person in the room or you, like, make a 911 joke and everyone thinks you're weird. It's like digital. So it's on. It's on the screen and you use your phone. It's kind of like cahoots. It's kind of like Kahoot. And it'll give you a prompt, like something you say to grandma before she goes to bed and someone Will put in the room like, good night, love you. And then someone's like, make sure that ass is ready for me. Right. And it'll show up on screen at the same time. And in that moment you realize like, oh, you're, you're in a more like PG group. Uh huh. And that's like the joke online is like you, you kind of get outed. So I get that. Where it's like, I also would not find them being allergic to mango.

[Morgan]

Funny.

[Ashby]

I wouldn't either. I'm always going to go for a joke. Would I have it be a, like a very morally gray story about myself? No, I don't have any of those. But I, I do get that. It's like, that wasn't funny. Yeah. But that doesn't allow you to then make it about yourself and be morally completely agree. Yeah.

[Morgan]

I am with you. I wouldn't find the mangoes a hehehaha moment.

[Ashby]

I wonder if in that moment he was hearing them being read out and he's like, okay, let me just grab that. Yes. If I could just do my long slip of paper.

[Morgan]

Yeah. Nope, nope, don't read that. As you see someone unfolding it.

[Ashby]

Yeah, because I'm allergic to mango. I don't know who put the other one down there.

[Morgan]

Yeah, whose is that? Play dumb.

[Ashby]

Yeah, just. I'm Greek. I am 1% Greek, you guys.

[Morgan]

That person's crazy. But I think the big problem is, and someone does highlight it here in another comment. You're the asshole, bro. Forget the game. It's not about the game. Her friends aren't thinking, oh, he played this game wrong. What a dummy. They're thinking, oh, no, he's capable of something creepy and vindictive.

[Ashby]

Yeah.

[Morgan]

I'm now worried for my friend who's dating him. And that is, I think that's the

[Ashby]

moral of a lot of these stories. It's not about the game. It's never about the game. It's about like the holistic view on how you approach situations. You know what I mean? Criticism.

[Morgan]

Holistic.

[Ashby]

Yeah. It's another one, another big word.

[Morgan]

Okay, thank you. That is because it is, it's just all encompassing. Right? All these different, you know, context, nuances.

[Ashby]

And I always, I try not to like, play into like the. Ugh. Men always do this or men always do that. And I feel like they focus on like the drop in the bucket. We focus on the bucket and like it's almost full and it happens a lot. And this is something that I keep talking about. And they kind of go into the nitty gritty of, like, that one drop. And, like, how it's different or how it's not applicable, but it's like, no, this is the. The bucket's full. You do this a lot. You know what I mean? So I think they view things in a very small scale, which isn't wrong, but I think women view it in. In more of, like a pattern. Yeah, we are pattern. Pattern people. And I think. I think it's hard to argue pattern against someone that wants to focus on, like, that one instance.

[Morgan]

That is such an insane point and analogy. I'm just gonna.

[Ashby]

I'm so therapized by the way. This is like.

[Morgan]

I'm literally like, I'm gonna need to roll the tapes and just be like, men look at the drop in the bucket, but women more so look at the bucket. And it. It is the best way I've heard that kind of looked at where it's like, it's not really about the confession. It's about what the confession means, its implications, and how it then relates to our relationship and. Are you going to fake screenshots with me?

[Ashby]

Right.

[Morgan]

What does it mean? Do you feel sorry?

[Ashby]

Right.

[Morgan]

Doesn't feel like you do.

[Ashby]

Right.

[Morgan]

And it is more about that holistic view.

[Ashby]

Yes, ma'. Am.

[Morgan]

That's good. That's good.

[Ashby]

Thank you. Thank you.

[Morgan]

Okay, let's get on to this next one. This episode is brought to you by State Farm. Okay, so this podcast is literally about choices. Wild, messy. Wait, you did what? Choices. But for the choices that are actually straightforward. State farm's got over 19,000 local agents, real humans, ready to help you. Like helping you save. When you choose to bundle home and auto with a personal price plan. Bundling. Just another way to save with the personal price plan. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there. Prices are based on ratings plans that vary by state. Coverage options are selected by the customer. Availability, amount of discounts, and savings and eligibility vary by state. Number three for us here. Coming from our slash relationship advice girlfriend repeatedly made comments about my height and size, then spent a month walking it back. She wants to continue the relationship. How do I handle this? I'm a 28 male, was married for six years, divorced a year ago, no kids, took a break from dating. And three months ago, I met a girl four years younger. She's 24, female. I was really into her. At first glance, she seemed exactly my type and personality. For context, my style with women has always been old school. Gentlemen opening doors, taking it slow, a bit chivalrous. She was Pleasantly surprised at first. And she didn't expect that from a guy my age. Then the drama cascade started. Around the fifth or sixth date, I planned a double date to introduce her to my best friend and his wife. Everything had been near perfect until that day. On the way there, she suddenly got upset that her heels made her taller than me. Which is absurd. I'm 178cm and she's 160cm. For those that don't know centimeters at home, like us sitting here, it is 5, 8 for him, 5.2ish for her.

[Ashby]

Fine.

[Morgan]

No heel closes that gap. And even if it did, so what? My ex wife was exactly my height and it was never an issue in six years. I tried to diffuse it with humor, but she kept making it a serious thing. It honestly felt like she wanted to emasculate me for some reason. That same evening at dinner, my friend's wife joked that me and my friend are so close, we're probably a secret gay couple. My girlfriend turns to my friend and says, quote, if you were a gay couple, you'd be the top and he'd be the bottom.

[Ashby]

It's crazy.

[Morgan]

My friend asked why? And she said, you're more masculine and manly. Awkward silence. They left soon after. When I got upset, she explained that in Gay Standards, I have more aesthetic and refined look, while my friend is more rugged.

[Ashby]

Not the gay standard.

[Morgan]

It's crazy drama too. A few days later, she somehow circled back to the height topic. You know you're not very tall, right?

[Ashby]

I asked straight to the point why

[Morgan]

we're even talking about this. If something bothers you, walk away. She said, quote, no, your height is tolerable for me. I wouldn't be embarrassed to be seen with you anywhere. I told her that's not a compliment. 37 degrees Celsius heat is tolerable, not a person's proportions. She apologized, said she has poor vocabulary and was just stating a fact. My take you don't state facts about things that don't matter to you. Drama 3. A few days later, we had sex for the first time. I was exhausted, I hadn't slept, and jokingly warned her in advance that this wouldn't be my best performance. Sex was more or less fine. Afterwards, she asked, quote, you're healthy, right? You don't smoke or drink? I said, correct. She goes, quote, my ex was a user. He smoked, drank, did drugs, but he could stay hard for an hour. I laughed it off and said, call him, then have him come finish. She apologized again, just stating a fact. Didn't Mean to hurt you. I let it slide. Drama 4 a few days later. Successful sex in between. For the record, we're watching a show where a character has a comically exaggerated penis, like 40, 50 centimeters.

[Ashby]

What show is that?

[Morgan]

It's giving that like 360 that everyone

[Ashby]

was like, yeah, but what show is that? I never heard. I'm just at. I would like the name of that show. Thank you. Just for research.

[Morgan]

15 inches.

[Ashby]

Sorry, I know I'm getting hung up on this. Literally hung. I'm wondering if. So do they show it in the show?

[Morgan]

It could be.

[Ashby]

I'm blushing.

[Morgan]

Game of Thrones, Night of the Seven Kingdoms? No, I'll show you the scene.

[Ashby]

No, I remember the old guy goes

[Morgan]

outside to pee and it's just, oh, right.

[Ashby]

Oh, it could be that. Wow. That did it for. Okay.

[Morgan]

We both joked about it and then she says, quote, length isn't what matters. Girth is work. I'm slightly above average, around 14 to 15 centimeters in length. Thirteen and a half girth, not small. We're cuddling romantically and I playfully ask, do you like mine? She says, it's acceptable, but I've seen better.

[Ashby]

I hate her. I can't stand her.

[Morgan]

I took it as playful teasing at first, but about two minutes later, still in a playful slash sexual tone, I threatened her like, oh, you've seen better. Let me show you better right now. And she suddenly gets serious. Well, yeah, I've seen much bigger. Then she immediately realized what she said and pivoted to, bigger doesn't mean better. Obviously, I lost all desire. Stop the foreplay. She snapped at me, why are you acting like an insecure man? Do you need to be the best at everything? I emotionally distanced myself after that. A couple of days later, she says, yours is completely sufficient for me.

[Ashby]

Oh my God, that's great.

[Morgan]

Sufficient?

[Ashby]

That's crazy.

[Morgan]

I asked her honestly, have you ever wished it was bigger? She said, no, but who wouldn't want that? Anyone who says otherwise is lying. That told me everything. Then came the month long campaign from her. Week one started with, I can't believe how insecure you've become over this. That didn't work. Week two. You should see a therapist. Ignoring me for a week. This is not a normal reaction. Didn't work. Week three. She then backpedaled and apologized. Quote, I said something stupid, but it shouldn't have hurt you. You can't be the best at everything. You have other qualities. That made it worse. And so I told her, so should I stay in a relationship knowing you Feel something's missing and compensate with money status and treating you well. Then week four, she took on a new approach. What do you think the difference even is between you and him? One to two centimeters max. And you're making a drama out of this. So in four weeks it shrank from much bigger to only 1 to 2 centimeters. Two days ago, we had a final conversation. She says, you're the best man for me. Drop these bad thoughts. If penises made women happy, every woman would be walking around happy.

[Ashby]

Wait, what? That doesn't make any sense.

[Morgan]

By the way, I told her she wouldn't have said any of it if it didn't matter to her. You never once commented on my shoe size being 43 instead of 46. Because you don't care about that. Then she asked, if you could design me as a character, wouldn't you change anything about me? I said, sure, maybe round out a toenail. She goes, see what I mean? If I were designing you, I would just add 3-4 cm to your penis.

[Ashby]

God, I can't believe this.

[Morgan]

So I kicked her out of my apartment at 3am now she's in full drama mode, insisting she fell in love with me. She only said these things because she was upset. She's never been with a good man before and doesn't know how to adjust to it. And she doesn't want to lose me and this relationship. Any advice is welcome.

[Ashby]

Okay. I think, like, psychologically, I think she doesn't know how to appropriately express how she feels. I think she does it in a very mean, offensive way and then gets defensive when called out for it. There's a word for it, like, in psychology, and I can't remember what it. In my one semester. I took of it in college. But it is seen in relationships where someone doesn't like something about their partner and they have to verbalize it. And like, that's the problem. They don't care. It's. It's just an internal frustration that they. They feel this need to, like, verbalize. And like, my thing is, my mom would always say, if someone can't change it in five minutes, don't say it.

[Morgan]

I love that.

[Ashby]

Because it's like. Like he can't change it.

[Morgan]

No.

[Ashby]

So you're one to talk down there. She won't find success, I think, in any relationship because she's. Of course there's always going to be something you would change about your partner, but to have it be so, like, emasculating, like he was saying, and so rude and so persistent is like, she's crazy.

[Morgan]

I always find it. I think one of my biggest icks or a big red flag I see with people is when their partner or like one of the two in the relationship tries to bring the other down in front of other people. Yeah. Like, where it's like, why are you trying to humble me in front of my friends? Like, this, the whole thing, like, from Drama. 1, 2, 3, and 4. Like, every single one was bad. But why are you bringing me down in front of my friends who you're just meeting for the first time? You're saying, oh, if we would be gay, he'd be the top, I'd be the bottom. Right. Then you're, like, implying all this other stuff, like gay standards. Like, I'm more aesthetic. Which are you calling me? Like, then feminine. Like, and again, op did get that vibe of, like, I felt totally emasculated.

[Ashby]

Yeah.

[Morgan]

It's just not a good feeling. And you shouldn't be with someone like that. Like, you've been dating for what, a month? Total month and a half.

[Ashby]

And by the way, that's like honeymoon phase. The fact that she's bullying you this early on is crazy.

[Morgan]

Yeah. It's insane. It feels like negging.

[Ashby]

Yeah.

[Morgan]

Where it's like, she's really trying to be negative and, like, humble him, bring him down. So then he, like, kind of competes for that validation from her.

[Ashby]

Yeah. Again, I think it's. She doesn't know how to appropriately verbalize her preferences. And, like, there are certain things I don't think you should ever, one, care about. And then two, mention to someone, like, height or penis size, that. Because they can't change that. But I think she just doesn't have a good way of saying, like, let's say your. Your partner has more weight on them than you'd prefer. I feel like that type of person would be like, oh, look at this photo of Chris Hemsworth. Like, doesn't he look so good? Like, I wish you had that. Like, that's an inappropriate way of bringing up a preference or something that you, you know, if you want your partner to be, like, more athletic or whatever.

[Morgan]

Yeah.

[Ashby]

I don't know the best way to bring it up, but it's certainly not to compare, which I think is this person's, like, knee jerk reaction. And no one wants that. Like, if he was doing that to you, you know, pointing out, like, Megan Fox or, you know, like Zendaya, you know, her height and how gorgeous and hot. She's so hot. Excuse me, I got a little distract. You wouldn't like that.

[Morgan]

No. Imagine, like, I think, like, innie versus outie vaginas, too, and, like, labia differences. It's like, would you like that? Like, ooh, I've never been with someone who's such an outie. Right?

[Ashby]

No. That person probably never thought about that. Like, and now they are thinking about it, and I don't know.

[Morgan]

Again, gross.

[Ashby]

It's weird.

[Morgan]

It's weird. Also, hey, you got to test drive the car before you bought it, right? You're not a match. Move on. I don't know why people have such a hard time admitting that to themselves.

[Ashby]

I think it is, though, part, like, she wants him to admit it or to agree with her. I think that's part of it where it's like, you know, you're short, right? And I think she desperately wants him to agree to that for whatever reason, because I. I think a lot of people out there know that there are certain things people can't change, but they at least want them to know that that's something like, you have. I need you to know that you're short.

[Morgan]

Yeah.

[Ashby]

I need you to know that I've had bigger partners in the past for some reason. It's.

[Morgan]

It is interesting. I wonder what that is. I wonder if that's just, like, hey, maybe she's not understanding social cues. Maybe she's just not. She's one of those people that can never be wrong or just, like, wants, like, oh, this is fact. Like, admit it. Yeah, there's something there. There's something there.

[Ashby]

And I would never again, like, use the word sociopathic, but I think there is a level of emotional numbness or lack of awareness when it comes to being like, hey, you're hurting my feelings. And then her backpedaling. And even the backpedaling is insensitive. Like, no, I'm not. I mean, he was, like, 2cm more than you. It's like, even that's not okay. So you clearly don't know how to appropriately and maturely even apologize.

[Morgan]

I. There are classes, like, if you want to go practice and, like, learn social cues and social norms, like, there are classes at community centers all over that do that. There's occupational therapists that actually teach that as well. So there's ways to work on that. And, like, I would take this for her, like, as a lesson of, like, I need to be more tactful and compassionate, and I don't need to verbalize everything as hard as it is. And if you feel like you need to get it out, then go write it down. In a private diary, Right?

[Ashby]

No, I think that's huge because I think, like, therapy is expensive and it's not accessible to everybody. But I think if it is accessible to her, I would highly recommend it because it's not. I would never bash someone for not understanding certain social cues because that's. It's so nuanced. But this is one of those that time and time again, it's not effective, and it's actually negative for your partner. And that's not just with that partner. That's pretty tried and true.

[Morgan]

Everyone wants to move forward now, too. Like, this is done.

[Ashby]

Yeah.

[Morgan]

Like, this is. This guy's not gonna continue.

[Ashby]

Right. But to like, to sit down with a professional and genuinely say, like, why isn't this working? Why do I feel the need to verbalize this? And why does it frustrate me when he doesn't accept it or he doesn't like it? Like, why do I feel that. That itch?

[Morgan]

Yeah.

[Ashby]

I mean. So I think there's a great question to be done there. I wouldn't just say, like, oh, she's a terrible person. I just know there's a lack of awareness there.

[Morgan]

And, like, hey, find someone you don't have to verbalize that with. Right. Find someone you like more. Right. That you feel is a better match. That's. That's cool.

[Ashby]

Totally.

[Morgan]

You don't have to make it work with everyone. It's not. It's not even how it. It's not possible. Right?

[Ashby]

Right.

[Morgan]

The comments. Top comment. Dude, you barely know this woman, and she's been toxic as hell since day one. Block her on everything and move on. Next comment. Literally, like, what is bro doing? Someone goes, she must be really fucking hot.

[Ashby]

Right?

[Morgan]

Which. Hey, plausible. Hey, plausible. Someone says, your problem is that you were unhappy by the fifth date, but you decided to keep dating. So accurate reading this, I was like, wait, why does it say girlfriend if she started this on the 5th or 6th date? And probably because she was hot enough to keep OP interested. But toxicity kills sex appeal over time. So a lot of people speculating about looks, appearances, right? But I think, you know, you're coming off being married for six years, first relationship, and also she's okay.

[Ashby]

I am fine with age gaps. There is a lot of, like, unacceptable age gaps. Of course. Like, I think even, like, anytime I hear, Even, like, this, 28 and 24, that's an age gap where I would then question the maturity of. Of both people. Because when I was 24 last year, I'm so young, if I, you know, look back four years, that's a huge difference in maturity. And I'm sure at 28, I'm gonna view the same as when I was 24. Especially when it's the man that's older. I don't know, it's. It's one of those things where it's like, if she's acting like this at 24 to a 28 year old. Yeah, I think he's gonna have that comparison. Especially after coming out of a six year marriage, you know?

[Morgan]

Yeah. Probably a different level of maturity for sure. Married for six years, 24, dating, very different. I don't mind their age gap so much, especially since they're meeting now. Like, they're both probably pretty established. Like, I think for me, the age gap issues come with, like when there's also power imbalances.

[Ashby]

Yeah.

[Morgan]

But clearly emotionally, mentally, you're not connecting. Physically, you're not connecting. What reason do you have to stay?

[Ashby]

Yeah.

[Morgan]

I find none. So it's okay to move on and keep going.

[Ashby]

Yeah.

[Morgan]

Cool.

[Ashby]

Yeah, I agree.

[Morgan]

Let's find out if he does that, though, because we do get an update.

[Ashby]

I keep forgetting this is like an ongoing thing.

[Morgan]

We get an update and I haven't read it and I'm really scared.

[Ashby]

Oh, God.

[Morgan]

She asked to meet yesterday for 15 minutes. She said she had something to tell me, so I agreed. She came and asked, quote, after all this time, did you never develop feelings for me? I told her, yes, I did. But I love myself more than I love anyone else. Maybe one day my child will be the exception. But you are not my child. Then she asked what loving myself has to do with not loving her too. She said she loves me very much, deeply. She regrets everything. She said. She called herself stupid, said that she lacks tact. I replied that it's one thing when something slips out, you apologize and you stop. That happens. People are human. But it's another thing entirely when you tell me there exists some man, let's call him Jason, whose dick I can never match. Jason needs no additions or changes. But if it were possible that you would add 3-4 cm to me. That's where you locked me into a permanent comparison. If you had just said I'd give everyone a few extra centimeters, Jason included, you included, I would just keep increasing it indefinitely. Fine, there's a preference. But you said he needs nothing added, and I do. So I can't live with a person who first hurt me and then, instead of expressing regret and stopping, spent weeks reinforcing the belief that I will never be A sufficient man for her. She said, but you are sufficient. But imagine you purchase the Porsche. Wouldn't you add a few horsepowers if the manufacturer offered it to you? I laughed so much about it, I

[Ashby]

thought I could add horsepowers to my

[Morgan]

car that she was trying to backhand again and replied, but there's a second Porsche in your garage that needs no addition. That's the problem. I advised her to go work on herself, get into a psychoanalytic therapy, invest in general education and culture. And I wished her the best.

[Ashby]

I'm gonna use that. I. If anyone is ever mean to me, I'm just gonna say, you need to invest in general education.

[Morgan]

That is a.

[Ashby]

That's crazy. That's a.

[Morgan]

That's.

[Ashby]

Do you have your ged?

[Morgan]

A dig. Oh. Oh.

[Ashby]

I think. I think he's absolutely right. I think it's good that he is putting himself first in this scenario, because he won't be first to her. And that's very clear. It gets hairy when it comes down to preferences, and I think that's always gonna be a thing. But I think when you're in the dating world, you have that option. If you see someone and you know that height will always be a problem, that's respectable. That you don't pursue people that don't satisfy. That for you, it's when you and that person who doesn't meet that preference get into a relationship willingly, and you continue to make it a problem, you kind of sign that contract to be like, okay, I'm willingly getting into this relationship with someone who has different preferences or doesn't match my preferences perfectly. But that's you being willing to not have that be a topic of conversation. So, yeah, I think she just needs a lot of work on herself. Yeah. Yeah.

[Morgan]

The car analogy, I'm like, again, it's like you're.

[Ashby]

You're like bandaid over a bullet hole. You're making it worse. I don't think it's. Your. Even your analogies are hurtful. It's like, no, also, what does a

[Morgan]

car have to do with my dick, right?

[Ashby]

And it's like using a port. It's like, what do you. What are we doing here?

[Morgan]

Also, it's not easy to add a couple horsepower.

[Ashby]

Like, yeah, add a couple horsepower to my Honda.

[Morgan]

Yeah. Like, no, it doesn't work.

[Ashby]

It doesn't work.

[Morgan]

You know what. What are you adding nitrous? Are you, like, upgrading to a turbocharge? What are we doing? But it's also like, again, this is my body, right? Like, you could throw all these hypothetical bad analogies out that you want. I can't change my body.

[Ashby]

It's also not normal to say that to someone like that. That is. Again, preferences aside, you can't say that to someone. And if it is that important to you, you should leave. You know, do that person a service and and take yourself out of it.

[Morgan]

So I know that's crazy. I know it's really this episode is brought to you by Credit Karma. When it comes to your money, Credit Karma keeps you ahead of the game. You can count on Credit Karma to keep up with your financial needs. As they evolve, they'll help you monitor your progress and give personalized recommendations so you can make strides towards your goals and find your way to money. Make sure you're on the right track no matter where you are on your financial journey. Intuit Credit Karma Karma you can count on this episode is brought to you by Sonic Summer is heating up. So it's a good thing Sonic Refreshers now come Frozen, blended, icy cold with real fruit and green tea. Sonic Frozen Refreshers are the perfect way to cool it down when it gets hot. And they come in four delicious flavors. Strawberry, passion fruit, watermelon, peach, mango peach and berry citrus. And they're the perfect way to reward yourself, whether that's finding the last parking spot in the shade or getting a compliment on your form from a workout instructor. Maybe it's remembering to put on sunscreen before you leave the house. Whatever it is this summer for all of life's little achievements, sip to that with new Frozen Sonic Refreshers. Live free. Eat Sonic. Try the new Frozen Sonic Refreshers today. Order in the Sonic app for pickup or delivery or visit your nearest Sonic. This episode is brought to you by Billie. I don't know about you guys, but I get a little lazy in the winter. I'm in hibernation mode and I grow out my leg hair a little bit, but it's getting warmer and now I'm excited for that first shave of the season. And if you are, then you gotta get the Billy Razor in your life. It's designed for how women actually shave. Legs, pits, toes, happy trail wherever prickles decide to show up. It has five sharp blades and a pivoting head so you can actually get everywhere without doing shower gymnastics. And it comes with a magnetic holder so your razor stays dry on the wall. Instead of sitting in a shower puddle, grab a Billy Razor in your favorite color in store [e-mail] just beyond baffled with this one and also this next one.

[Ashby]

God there's some crazy people out there. Like, I'm a little cuckoo, right? But like, ooh, I don't. Reddit's scary. There's some crazy people.

[Morgan]

Yeah. How do you feel about body fluids? Me? Yeah. Are you like, do you get grossed out with fluids?

[Ashby]

Well, who. Where they come from? Yeah, cuz me, I'm like, I'm chilling. I guess this isn't about mine, so. Yeah, go ahead.

[Morgan]

No, this is coming from r relationshipadvice. Am I 30, female, rude as hell and mean for calling my husband disgusting after he came into a blanket and let me put it on unknowingly.

[Ashby]

Ew. In old blanket. I don't know. Okay, go ahead.

[Morgan]

I'll start off by Saying My husband, 35, male, and I have had some really rough patches in the past year. We both really want to make it work, but lately I've had to set some hard boundaries. The main one being I don't feel like I'm given the same respect that he gives everyone else. We had a really stupid argument and I'm legit losing my mind over it. I feel insane and I truly need to know if I'm overreacting or off base somehow. We both had a really long week and today my husband took the day off and has been in a funk all day. I had yet another really long day at work, and since I got home, I was giving him his space. We were interacting in little friendly blips, like to see how the garden progress was going and to take the dog for a walk. Well, this evening my dog had a tiny accident on the bedding. She has medical complications and I had to wash the bedding. Unfortunately, by the time my husband and I were ready for bed, the bedding was still not even close to being done because I started it so late in the evening. So we plan to sleep in the guest room where he has been hanging out all day. He has his gaming systems and TV in there. I go to put a blanket on and I feel something very wet in the darkness of the room.

[Ashby]

Just.

[Morgan]

Okay, why is it wet?

[Ashby]

Yeah, that's what I would do.

[Morgan]

Why is it wet him? Oh, because I came on it earlier. He says this like, this is the most normal thing ever. What the fuck? Why didn't you put it with the other bedding being washed? That's disgusting him. That's so rude. There's no need to be mean about it. Obviously some of the words might have been different because this was a few hours ago at this point, but you get the gist this conversation proceeds to accelerate to an argument really quickly because apparently I have always known that he came in blankets.

[Ashby]

I'm dead. He's a good serial blanket comer.

[Morgan]

It's fine, just sleep on the other side. And that as his wife, I should be okay with it. It's just his cum and quote, it's sterile. I'm not joking. These were his arguments sterile?

[Ashby]

It's calm.

[Morgan]

What do you mean? Okay, I would argue back that it's wild that he is getting so defensive over me saying something that is obviously true that it's disgusting to come in blankets and just leave it. And how I knew he liked the feel of a blanket but not the result looking like this. And how his other arguments are just fucked up to say, oh my God. And yes, we did hear that, right? I knew he liked the feel of a blanket.

[Ashby]

I'm just confused. Okay, is it like one time per blanket? Cause I feel like I would get like the optimization of it being like 10 sessions per blankie, right? Cause then it's like, okay, here's my thing. I don't come in blankets. Me personally, but I think if I were, if I were a guy I would maybe choose a sock. Right? I think that's pretty standard. You know, maybe like a hand towel, but like a full blanket seems just wasteful space wise. And like washing a blanket is a pain in the ass. I think the problem here though is more you saw your partner don the blanket, right? And I wanna know if there was urgency of like, oh, don't put that on, I've come in it. Or, or if it was like, you should be cool with this. That's. I think my. That's where the problem would lie. Yeah, well, you determine whether it's normal for you to do. Not for my reaction.

[Morgan]

Don't. Don't make it my problem.

[Ashby]

Don't come. Stop gumming, please. That's what I would say. Op you came again, didn't you? Again. He comes out of the game room. Oh my God. Again.

[Morgan]

OP does go on to say. He then proceeded to fly off the handle and yell about how I'm always criticizing and I need to shut. Shut up. This is one of the things I recently told him to stop saying to me. The shut up. And it's honestly wild to me that I have to even ask my husband to stop saying something like that to me. And he's flying off the handle at me saying that leaving cum in a blanket is gross. But whatever. I guess I left the room and I'm trying to Sleep on the tiny couch. Honestly, I don't know. Like I said earlier, I feel insane. Is this some wild, normal thing that I somehow missed the memo on? If not, why the can my husband take my disgust as a valid response to something like this? How the. Did he justify it in his brain that as his wife, I should be okay with something like that? Question mark, Question mark. Question mark

[Ashby]

again. I'm so uncomfortable in this blanket now, by the way. I'm, like, thinking about it.

[Morgan]

There's a clean.

[Ashby]

I. It's again, it's the theme where it's. How do you react to me communicating that I don't like something? And then that is where the true problem lies. Look, you can come in as many places as you want. Well, okay, there's a limit there. But you. You can. You can do what you want within

[Morgan]

the walls of our own home.

[Ashby]

Right? Within the confines of your. Your. You're gaining.

[Morgan]

There's options. There's options. Yeah, there's options.

[Ashby]

I feel like it's when I communicate that I don't like it, or it's making more laundry work for me, or I think it's gross, or it. It irks me a little bit. Your reaction to that is where I think I would look for, like, the problem. Like, are you gonna tell me to shut up? Are you gonna say that I should be okay with it? So again, it's like. It's bigger picture. It's not so much. Why do you keep coming in weird places?

[Morgan]

Yeah, you know, it's just gross. I did act it out. I like.

[Ashby]

Sorry, what?

[Morgan]

I was, like, trying to see what the sensation might be to use a blanket as your. Your method.

[Ashby]

Put your penis in it.

[Morgan]

It would be, you know.

[Ashby]

Did you act it out?

[Morgan]

I just had to. Just, like, you give yourself a little arm job with the blankie. Oh, my God.

[Ashby]

What are you talking about?

[Morgan]

I just wanted to see what he was experiencing. Right. I don't know. I just. I didn't understand the blanket. I was really trying to understand.

[Ashby]

Right.

[Morgan]

What he just.

[Ashby]

Right.

[Morgan]

I don't know, you guys. I'm a curious gal. Whatever. Right, right, right. But again, like, it's not really about the blanket here.

[Ashby]

I really don't understand. Well, now, see, I guess I'd say

[Morgan]

this blanket's really soft.

[Ashby]

Oh, I would totally come in that for sure.

[Morgan]

Exactly. Thank you.

[Ashby]

But if you said, ashby, stop. Please, God, stop coming in my. My blanket, I'd be like, okay, that's fair.

[Morgan]

Or just like, hey, let's find my own little blanket. If you're gonna do it on the blanket or use the blanket as your pocket blankie. Like, at least just wash it, right. What if he left it on the bed? Let it dry. What if a guest comes over and sleeps in that bed?

[Ashby]

Got to it. Well. And I'm just asking questions. I feel like. And what if the dog got to it?

[Morgan]

Maybe that's why the dog has tummy problems.

[Ashby]

Oh, my God. Can you imagine?

[Morgan]

Disgusting. It feels like it's. It's definitely an ick. This would it me out. You wash your blanket. Or like, hey, let's get you a little, like, tiny one.

[Ashby]

There's a quote like, you wash your cum. You better. If you. Yeah, you better wash it. Yeah, you can just. I'm known for my quotes.

[Morgan]

Yeah, you're really. Thank you. You're gonna serve some clips. For sure. For sure. Yeah.

[Ashby]

I think it's like. Like it's your mess. Clean it up.

[Morgan]

Would you get divorced over this? Cause married.

[Ashby]

Married, I wouldn't get married over this.

[Morgan]

So, I mean, that was one quote that I was curious about.

[Ashby]

She said she's known that he likes to come in blankets.

[Morgan]

Yeah.

[Ashby]

Can I also ask the question? I knew how to come in it. Blanket, like, do it and then switch to, like, a towel.

[Morgan]

It's a fuzzy sock. What about, like, a really fuzzy sock?

[Ashby]

I think maybe. Okay, here's my theory. I think maybe he makes it into a shape like the blanket. You know what I mean? Like.

[Morgan]

Oh, like the towel animals.

[Ashby]

Yeah. Yeah. What?

[Morgan]

That's not good.

[Ashby]

I agreed without knowing what the hell you're talking about.

[Morgan]

You know, when, like, the. The hotel cleaning people will come in and, like, make animal shapes with towels on your bed for sex you've never experienced. I don't think it's for sex reasons.

[Ashby]

That's for sex reasons. I just saw a photo that is 100.

[Morgan]

They're really cute. Look at this. There's a stingray, a swan, an elephant, monkey.

[Ashby]

When I see. When I slam for the first time, I wanted to fuck it. That's. That's 100% a kink thing for sure.

[Morgan]

Oh, that's.

[Ashby]

Men are wild creatures and they see that and they. Anyway, I think he's making it into a shape similar. Yes. To the stingray or whatever. I think he's, like, rolling it up. So I don't think it's, like. Can be replicated with a fuzzy sock is my theory. But if he's insistent on this, do the blanket and then put the sock inside of the.

[Morgan]

Or just put the blanket aside.

[Ashby]

And just stop commenting.

[Morgan]

Have some tissues.

[Ashby]

I'm being too accommodating. Or breaking news. Use your wife. Don't use your wife. Oh, my God.

[Morgan]

Ask.

[Ashby]

Of course. Before you do that. Of course. But you have the real blankie at home.

[Morgan]

She was at home.

[Ashby]

She was at home.

[Morgan]

She was at home in the other room, literally bopping around.

[Ashby]

Yeah. Like, put the blanket away

[Morgan]

again. It's. It's not so much about the blanket. It really is, like, his total disrespect.

[Ashby]

That's the reaction to her displeasure.

[Morgan]

Shut up. You're being mean. And I am curious why he didn't stop her. But it's. It's sounding like, oh, it was a dark room and he couldn't see. And then she went for it.

[Ashby]

She just done that.

[Morgan]

But again. Oh, babe. Oh, we're gonna sleep in the guest room because our sheets aren't clean. Okay. Yeah, let me go change that bed real fast. I did a little deed in there.

[Ashby]

Even the blanket again?

[Morgan]

Yeah, it's. It's disgusting.

[Ashby]

They also just need more blankets. I think if they're only rocking with two and you have a serial blanket comer, you must have more blankets. Yeah, like a backup. He doesn't, like, hide one blanket from him.

[Morgan]

No. And there's some good blanket deals, home goods, TJ Maxx 100.

[Ashby]

But, like, keep one that only you know about as the backup blanket. Because if he finds a blanket and

[Morgan]

I don't say he's coming in it, it's not safe. No, absolutely not.

[Ashby]

Right.

[Morgan]

Comments? How is he 35? This is disgusting. The fact he takes zero accountability is such a red flag. I wouldn't be able to get over this. Op responds. I would throw out phases like, how old are you? And this is teenage. But nothing would get through to him. I honestly don't understand how he rationalized this in his head. He is not an irrational guy. I think it is a. Maybe a little bit of a thing for him now. Like, he needs the blankie.

[Ashby]

I. Yeah, I think. Yeah. It could be like a mommy thing or whatever. It could be like a thing. Like a developmental thing.

[Morgan]

Someone sent me a crazy diaper video the other day.

[Ashby]

What?

[Morgan]

Of, like, this grown man. What? It's a thing? Yeah, it's a. It's a new, very up and coming big baby. Big baby kink.

[Ashby]

Oh, big baby's been thing.

[Morgan]

Yeah. Since 1964, I believe.

[Ashby]

What?

[Morgan]

First documented case of big baby fetish. What? Trust me. I'm going down the rabbit hole. Wow.

[Ashby]

Okay. And so how does that relate to this.

[Morgan]

Well, maybe he needs his banking.

[Ashby]

Yeah, maybe. He is a big baby. I think he is Pavlovbbing himself into, like, maybe he can. I also want to know the frequency. Like, if he's doing this every single day. Yeah, that's like a sexual problem.

[Morgan]

I think you might be on it, Pavlov, because I. Oh, my God, this is, like, throwing me way back. Oh, we had this one story early, two outtakes, and this guy had Pavlov himself that every time he came, he needed to poop. And so he's going to this girl's house and hooks up with her and ends up coming and shits on her floor. He was so embarrassed by it. He just ran out.

[Ashby]

He's like, Sphincter's all loose and stuff from it.

[Morgan]

He just dropped a log.

[Ashby]

Wow.

[Morgan]

Yeah. So I could see that with the blankie clear. You know, the comments, everyone is kind of ew.

[Ashby]

Right.

[Morgan]

Not normal.

[Ashby]

Right.

[Morgan]

You're not rude as hell. That's either some nasty teenage stuff or some bizarre territory marking.

[Ashby]

Wait, is he the dog? Is this like a little switcheroo? He's the dog in the story.

[Morgan]

No. Op does again, say. No, this is real. It's husband someone shares here. Girl, he has no respect for you. Not only is this vile behavior, but telling you to shut up regularly is not on. Yeah, he sounds like a petulant teenager, not a life partner. Op says, I keep thinking he will change. He keeps telling me he will. I honestly want to send him this post. I have no idea what it would do, though.

[Ashby]

Yeah, again, it's. It's. It's how your partner reacts to you communicating with them. Them.

[Morgan]

Yeah.

[Ashby]

So it's like. Yeah, I think that's the main issue. And yeah, again, telling them to shut up is crazy.

[Morgan]

This is only five days old.

[Ashby]

He probably just came in a blanket as we were talking about this.

[Morgan]

Yeah.

[Ashby]

Wow.

[Morgan]

A lot of people link another Reddit post I've read. It's coming from two X chromosomes and it's titled He Knows He Doesn't Care. And they just kind of go onto this spiel of, like, he understands what he's doing is wrong. He knows what he's doing is wrong. He just doesn't care.

[Ashby]

Yeah.

[Morgan]

And basically being like, like, ma', am, this is you. This is your life, this is your scenario. Yeah, he doesn't care because, like, I think it's clear that it's not his problem.

[Ashby]

Right.

[Morgan]

Like, it's her problem.

[Ashby]

Totally.

[Morgan]

Yeah. But again, five days old, no update yet. But looking at OP's account history, couple other posts. This one is on US Military Significant Other. I'm in a mill mill marriage and I think we need a divorce. But we work together. We're both in the Air Force.

[Ashby]

Same poster.

[Morgan]

Yeah. Male, Male, male, male, male marriage. So they're both in the military. Military, military marriage. Not male dependent. Got.

[Ashby]

Yes. Okay, got it. Yes, they're both in the force. Okay.

[Morgan]

Yeah, both in Air Force. No kids, only a couple years left and my husband has a couple more after me. The goal was to stagger getting out, blah blah, blah, blah, blah. Here's the thing. Our relationship is not going well. And while I still love him, I can't shake the feeling that I'm running out of time to get out of this relationship, to find someone who actually treats me with respect and doesn't act like I'm asking for the moon when I ask them to stop telling me to shut up an argument and to communicate about drinking alcohol before he starts doing it and allow for a two way conversation about it. A lot of other details just kind of going on like she doesn't really have any friends. No support system by the sounds of it. And then there is another post coming from R. Spokan couples therapist recommendations.

[Ashby]

Interesting. You're in Washington, right?

[Morgan]

Yeah. You're good with geography too.

[Ashby]

Thank you so much.

[Morgan]

Wow.

[Ashby]

Yeah.

[Morgan]

So like couples therapist. I, to be honest, selfishly wish that would have said divorce lawyer recommendations.

[Ashby]

Right.

[Morgan]

But I think where her head is kind of at seemingly by these updates, like very conflicted. Like one post, I think we need a divorce. The next asking for a couple's therapists. So she'll figure it out. Yeah, I think she's there, she's close.

[Ashby]

I think the. While the coming in the blanket is very enticing and seems like the biggest problem. It clearly they've been having issues and I think this is just the byproduct of not respecting your partner.

[Morgan]

Yeah.

[Ashby]

And I think that'll happen with, you know, buying groceries she said she doesn't like or making the bed the way she doesn't like or you know, what time you wake up. Like it'll, it'll become so trivial if there's no foundation of respect there. So yes, this like seems like a big issue. And while it may be, I think it just follows the same theory theme of not respecting your partner's wishes.

[Morgan]

Yeah.

[Ashby]

Yeah.

[Morgan]

Maybe that's the biggest ick of it all.

[Ashby]

Truly, that's the theme.

[Morgan]

I'm telling you.

[Ashby]

Every single one of these stories is someone not respecting their partner after they say, hey, I don't like this. Please don't do it again.

[Morgan]

Okay, I'm gonna give you this next one because this is this episode is supported by FX's the Shards, a seductive drama from executive producer Ryan Murphy. Set in 1980s Los Angeles, the series follows a group of glamorous, deeply entangled high school seniors drawn into a life of wealth, beauty, parties and excess. At its center is Bread, whose reality begins to unravel when the arrival of a new student coincides with a series of mysterious murders. F is the Shards now streaming on Hulu. This episode is brought to you by Revolve. My summer has been jam packed with moments where I just want to look cute. And the best way to do it is to find a good fit, an outfit that makes you feel confident, that feels on trend or reflects your unique style. And Revolve is my go to place to find those fits. I just went to Europe and basically every single one of my outfits was from Revolve and I have never, never been complimented more. So whether it's a big night out, a wedding, a summer trip, or you just need something last minute that actually works, Revolve always has it. Go to Revolve.com THT to shop our faves and use code THT for 15% off your first order. Fast shipping, easy returns. It just makes everything easier. That's Revolve.com THT you can shop our faves and get 15% off your first order offer. Available for a limited time, so don't miss out. This episode is brought to you by State Farm. So this podcast is all about choices. Wild, messy Wait, you did what? Choices. But for the choices that are actually straightforward. State Farm's got over 19,000 local agents, real humans, ready to help you. Like helping you save when you choose to bundle home and auto with the personal price plan. Bundling. Just another way to save with the personal price plan. Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there. Prices are based on ratings plans that vary by state. Coverage options are selected by the customer. Availability, amount of discounts and savings and eligibility vary by state. It's like a spur of the moment, okay, chance encounter. Oh, so this one is coming from R A I T A H titled Am I the asshole for considering breaking up with my fiance because he ran away when we were being attacked. My fiance, 24 male, and I, 24 female, have been dating for six years. He proposed to me a few months ago, which was the the happiest moment of my life. We set our wedding date for this December. However, after what happened last night, I'm seriously considering breaking up with my fiance and I'm unsure if I'm an asshole. My fiance, my brother and I were all walking back to our car from dinner at a nice restaurant. The car was parked pretty far away as the place was packed, so we had to walk quite some distance. It was late at night and as we were walking, a person on a bike came to the side of us and stopped us and demanded we give everything we had. My fiance panicked and just ran away. But my brother, after talking to the man for a couple of minutes, just attacked the man. And long story short, my brother beat him up. The man had no weapon. It was just a fake gun. I called my fiance after that and told him everything was fine and that we would pick him up. My fiance still seemed a bit shaken up after.

[Ashby]

That is so embarrassing.

[Morgan]

But I did explain to him that everything was all right and my fiance thanked my brother a lot. However, I just felt extremely weird and sort of disappointed that my fiance just ran away. I understand it was his natural instinct, but just seeing my brother take the attacker down and in comparison to my fiance just running away, I just felt like I lost a lot of love for my fiance after last night. I spoke with my brother this morning to get his opinion and he said I should still give my fiance a chance and that my fiance loves me and what happened last night is not a normal occurrence. However, I told him I just got a massive ick and I don't know if this ick will ever go, am I the asshole?

[Ashby]

That's tricky because it is a knee jerk reaction. It's an instinct and I feel like I would equally be like, I've never had this happen to me before. But I feel like if my partner took the risk of attacking that person, which is like, statistically what you shouldn't do. Obviously it's nuanced. I feel like I would also be mad at my partner being like, you put yourself at risk, it's not worth it. Just give him the wallet, throw the wallet, right. Whatever they say is more effective. So I feel like there's no great way to handle it because you're dealing with an a unpredictable situation, so there's no great way to go about it. I feel like I could see myself doing what I'm assuming she's doing, which is evaluating, like, what it means, like, how much does he love me if he runs and he didn't check on me, or if he didn't take me with him or I Think that's dangerous game to play because it. It really, like her brother said, isn't a natural occurrence. It's not going to be a continuous thing. And I feel like it may be a little unfair to attribute.

[Morgan]

Yeah.

[Ashby]

Feelings and. But I see how visually it looks like that. It's tricky.

[Morgan]

I know it is really tough. Cause my head would do that same thing too. Like, what if it was me and our kid and he left me and our kid? Because I think my first reaction was like, well, he just ran away. But, like, did he attempt to grab your hand or was he, like, solely only concerned about himself in that moment and there was no regard for you? And I get. We cannot predict how we're gonna act in these situations. It is scary 100%. But, like, I wasn't even a thought.

[Ashby]

Right.

[Morgan]

I understand the ick. I think the ick is, like, very reasonable given all of this. Is it a normal occurrence? No, this isn't hopefully gonna happen that often. But, like, the way it did is still not great. But on the flip hand, I have had another story in the past where this guy was writing in because there was a girl that was, like, getting mugged or something outside of a bar, and he stepped in, got his ass kicked, and his girlfriend was watching the whole thing, and she got the ick from him helping and getting his ass kicked.

[Ashby]

Okay, that's so crazy.

[Morgan]

So I'm like, it's a maybe a catch 22 of a situation. Like, you're icked if you don't and icked if you do. And this is scary. I don't know. But for me, I think the fact you're comparing your boyfriend to how your brother reacted, which again, isn't maybe the recommended method. You're kind of putting yourself down a slippery slope of like, you're gonna kerfuddle yourself and just, like, fuck yourself up with this.

[Ashby]

Yeah, yeah. That is tricky. I feel like if it was a. Of like a physical attack, I think she would be more. Not that she isn't here, but more justified in saying, like, you let me be at risk and you didn't try to stop an interaction or something.

[Morgan]

Yeah.

[Ashby]

But since it was more of like a mugging, like a threatening thing, there's again, no right way to go about it other than, like, if he came at her with, like, a knife, like, I've seen a video. I don't know if you've seen it. It's like CCTV footage of this guy with a knife trying to stab this guy's girlfriend. He doesn't do it successfully. They're like, backpacking or whatever. And he runs away, and she's, like, fighting him off and everything. That is a. That is a problem like that. That I think is more of a testament. But.

[Morgan]

Well, I will say here, the line, the man had no weapon. It was just a fake gun.

[Ashby]

Right.

[Morgan]

I bet he was bolstering a weapon.

[Ashby]

Exactly.

[Morgan]

And so in this guy's head, as he's running away, he's like, this guy's got a gun. We all just need to run.

[Ashby]

Right. That's what my. My assumption there is, that he thought everyone would do the same thing. Because I think I. You always assume that how you react is how everyone is gonna react and how you should react. Unfortunately, I've been, like, spooked by my cat in my house, and I've made the worst sound scream ever. And I'm like, wow, that's really how I would react to an intruder. Like, that sucks. Like, that's so embarrassing.

[Morgan]

I hate the worst thing I do. I'm a big jump scare. The doordash guy scared me today.

[Ashby]

Oh, no.

[Morgan]

I know. I walked out the door as he was walking to the door. Didn't see him. Yeah. Freaked out. And it's.

[Ashby]

Again, you don't have control over that. So I think maybe it was just him assuming everyone was going to do the same thing. And I think him being very apologetic and also very thanking to the brother of, like, thank you so much for doing that. I think that is, like, hindsight in.

[Morgan]

Yeah.

[Ashby]

In his position being like, maybe I didn't react perfectly, but I'm glad you did what you did. I think the fake gun thing, like, yeah, in hindsight, it was a fake gun, but I think in that moment, you can't discern whether or not it's a fake gun. And I think, again, there's so many things you could do in that situation, and I think running is one of them. It's fight or flight. And I think, again, it's apples and oranges. It's not the same.

[Morgan]

No. Like, no one's at fault here. But I'm really glad you do bring that point up because a lot of the comments do pick up on that basically being like, op. Like, you should actually talk to your brother, too, because this guy had a toy gun. Like, again, there's no way to discern. And you could have been down one brother if it had been a real one.

[Ashby]

Right.

[Morgan]

Like, your brother doing that isn't necessarily a good response either.

[Ashby]

That's why I'm Like, I feel like I would be mad at my partner if he and I've talked. I'm like, the one person that if I honk at someone and they pull up to me next to a red light, I duck because I'm. I'm like, I'm gonna get shot. They hate me.

[Morgan]

I worry about that constantly.

[Ashby]

Oh, constantly. Like, I don't flash if someone's lights are off and stuff, because it was like a gang initiation thing in, like, 2008 or something.

[Morgan]

The moms are still talking about that on Facebook.

[Ashby]

Oh, my mom was all about. About that.

[Morgan]

Yeah.

[Ashby]

And so I. I've had discussions with my partner where I'm like, if it comes down to it, if someone, you know, because we lived in New York for, like, a year, just drop the wallet, throw the phone. I don't care. I don't want you to be, you know. You know, this is honestly, like, a

[Morgan]

good conversation to have.

[Ashby]

Like, I think it's great.

[Morgan]

Let's have a plan in place.

[Ashby]

I'm a worrier and of course, you know, knock on wood. Hopefully it'll never happen, but if it does, it's actually good to have those. Those communications prior to it happening.

[Morgan]

We need to add this to, like, the. We're putting together a list of, like, questions you should ask your partner.

[Ashby]

Yeah. It's like, how would you react?

[Morgan]

Yeah. Like, what's our plan going to be for if we ever get mugged?

[Ashby]

And, like, we even, like, we have a safe word that.

[Morgan]

I have a safe word with my family now, too.

[Ashby]

It's for the AI calls 100%. And it's like, if we use, like, a random name of, like, someone. None of our friends have this name. It's not common.

[Morgan]

Yeah.

[Ashby]

And if I ever text it or if I ever say it on the phone, it means to immediately check my location and send none to that location. So, like, that's. We have fail safes. Right.

[Morgan]

This is so good. But again, it's.

[Ashby]

It's partly dumb because it's my anxiety. But in these instances, it's important to know how your partner wants you to react. If both of you are a game to put yourself at risk during a mugging with a suspected weapon, that's a choice that you both make. But if one person goes for it and the other person doesn't, that choice is being made for them. And I think that's where, like, I don't know if the brother did the right thing in this. In this, you know, scenario.

[Morgan]

I'm with you.

[Ashby]

And, like, statistically, like, if someone's, like, brandishing a weapon, more often than not, if they wanted to show you, they would. And that's like, a whole thing. If they're showing it, they. They won't do it, whatever. But I think it's important to not make a decision for a group like that. But then also, it's like, you don't have time to discuss that. So again, it's. I think you. You do the best you can with what you know, but I wouldn't blame people for how they react.

[Morgan]

Well, there's a comment here, too, that basically says, I can't blame her. I also can't blame him. But no one wants a person they can't rely on. And I think that's, like, true. Like, where are your core feelings coming from right now? Like, is it, you felt like he didn't care about you in that moment? Or. Yeah, you're nervous to depend on him going forward, and can you sort that out? And if you can't, like, yeah, you might not be able to proceed forward with this person. But it's a really. This is just a really.

[Ashby]

I think it's about the communication that happens after again, and how they react to that. Like, if. If he is, you know, saying, I'm so glad you're okay. I'm sorry, this is how I reacted. Or if he's like, I thought we were all running, or I think it would be smart next time if we ran, you know, doubling down on his position. I think it's the intent behind that that kind of matters, because hopefully this doesn't happen again. But you have to be on the same page with your partner if it assumes risk for both of you. Well.

[Morgan]

And a lot of people were asking. They're like, did he call 91 1?

[Ashby]

Yeah.

[Morgan]

Did he go look for help?

[Ashby]

Right. Did he look back at all, like, to check? You know, I think that's important.

[Morgan]

Well, because op did say, like, I called him after and I said, we can come pick him up. Did he just.

[Ashby]

Where was he?

[Morgan]

Did he just keep running?

[Ashby]

He was not walking distance.

[Morgan]

Like, where did he go? Because your first thought again, okay, fight or flight? You. Flight.

[Ashby]

Right.

[Morgan]

Flighted. Right? You're gone. Yeah. What?

[Ashby]

Fled.

[Morgan]

Fled. Thank you. And so it's like, okay, you're away. There's some space now where's your head at? Are you still Kool Aid, man? Running down the street?

[Ashby]

Right?

[Morgan]

Or it's like, oh, fuck. Oh, my God, I left them there. I should look for help. I should call cops. I should. Like, then Depending on what his next steps were, that would be probably a deal breaker for me.

[Ashby]

Yeah. Because then I think again, knee jerk reaction, more often than not, it's gonna be out of your control. But the moments after I think are telling of like, did you glance over your shoulder? Did you go into an alley and call 91 1? Did you shout at them? Or did you like, they're. That I think is where I'm like, am I even on your mind? You know, in this moment, I think that's. I don't know if they gave any clarity there, but I think that's like the more telling part, that if you wanted to dissect this and attribute it to his feelings toward you, I think that would. The after would be the more appropriate moment rather than like the actual action.

[Morgan]

Yeah. OP gets a lot of advice. I mean, top comment on the Original post has 15k of votes. And they basically say whether the change in your feelings about your fiance makes you an or not, you would not be doing either of you any favors by staying with him out of guilt. You feel what you feel. And again, like, a lot of people are like, awesome. 15k up votes. Reasonable answer here.

[Ashby]

Right?

[Morgan]

And then we do get an update. Update comes one day after the original post. I have broken up with my fiance.

[Ashby]

No, I did it this way. In blankets. Could you imagine? It's the same girl. We're like, oh my God, he's back. He's back.

[Morgan]

I did it this quick because it was not fair to him or to me to keep this relationship just stringing along. Oh yes, I loved him a lot and will always cherish the memories I had with him. But after the incident last night, I just don't have that same love for him anymore. And I don't think I ever will. To be clear, I don't blame him for what he did in running away. It was his natural instinct and I completely understand that. But when my brother instinctively stepped in front of me to shield me from the attacker, in comparison to my fiance just running away scared, it pretty much evaporated most, if not all of my feelings for my fiance. I've just learned about myself that one of my love languages is safety and security. I let my fiance know and I apologized and I told him I don't blame him at all for what happened the previous night. My fiance was devastated and he did cry a lot. But after some time he said he understood my decision. I still feel guilty about it because my fiance is a really kind and sweet man. But it also wouldn't be fair to him if my heart wasn't in it. He deserves to be in a relationship with someone who loves him for who he is, and I deserve to find someone who I wholly love. Yeah, that's.

[Ashby]

That's tricky. I think it's good that she did a lot of, like, introspection, I hope, in that, like, she wouldn't want to drag him along as if her feelings were gone. I think I would then question how grounded were those feelings. I think prior to this, it's one of those things, like, I've never been in that scenario. And I'm sure the shock of it and the dissecting of it could have me questioning the dynamic of my relationship. But it's a shame that it was something out of his control. And so I think it's two pronged where it's like, I'm glad she isn't stringing him along in that. I don't think it's a testament to their relationship enough.

[Morgan]

Very quick, too.

[Ashby]

Yeah.

[Morgan]

Like, just a total flip.

[Ashby]

Right. Which I think I would have loved for, like, her to get a therapy consult to, like, really? Because that is a traumatic event. That is something that you both went through. And maybe they would have some wise words on, like, what that actually means.

[Morgan]

You know, I think you bringing that up, too, is a really good point, because this is, again, very traumatic. And someone has a comment here on the update. Trauma is a very divisive experience. People either become much closer or they break up. You did the right thing. No assholes here. And that is no assholes here. You got the ick. It was irreversible, and you're both moving on. And we'll find your people.

[Ashby]

Yeah. I would honestly go so far to say it's, like, not an ick. Cause I think even that word I feel like has been weaponized against men, and I'm their advocate. No, but I think it is, like, in relationships, like, I don't get the ick from my partner because I love him in everything he does, even if I don't, like. If I find something he does cringy. It's just that. Because I'm sure I do things.

[Morgan]

So you think that ick is, like, really? How do you, I think, define ick?

[Ashby]

I think specifically women, I think, tend to attribute something they don't like or that they wouldn't choose their partner to do as an emotionally altering moment. And I don't think that's fair. I think we can dislike something our partner does or like. Let's say they Use baby talk. And we don't like that. I think it's just a dislike. And I think we feel that emotion of, like, oof, I don't like that you did that. And we almost attribute it to, like. Like, attraction, or that's gross, or this makes you a different person. Where I think maybe. Maybe that is appropriate. But I think there is a different word for it rather than, like, wow, that made me not like you as much, or this is, you know, cringy or gross, or you're less of a man or whatever.

[Morgan]

Ick for me equals cringe. And then you have irreversible icks, which we're getting into today, which are kind of like, they're beyond an ick.

[Ashby]

Right.

[Morgan]

But I do think, like, a great example of, like, an ick is, like, when you see someone kicking their feet underwater.

[Ashby]

Like, that's so cute.

[Morgan]

To me, you are just an angel.

[Ashby]

No, I think. But again, I think. And I know that feeling, like, I've had, I guess what you could label an ick, where you feel almost like, embarrassed.

[Morgan]

That. Okay. Yeah.

[Ashby]

And you feel that for the other person. And I think it's a very uncomfortable feeling. And I think that that discomfort has us then feeling resentment, anger, or disgust.

[Morgan]

Ooh. Yes. I like to call it secondhand embarrassment. Other people just say empathy.

[Ashby]

But that's the thing, I think secondhand embarrassment, specifically with women, when we view it on men, I think we then have. I think the feeling we get with secondhand embarrassment is then triggering of we want to have it for some reason, be, like, malicious or bad or that's weird. And they shouldn't do it again when it was just, I think that secondhand embarrassment.

[Morgan]

Yeah.

[Ashby]

And I could be wrong. I could be, like, ignorant to it. And I'm just like, I like your way of explaining my part, but I have felt that feeling before. And I catch myself feeling like if my. My partner did this thing in the movies the other day during a trailer in a 70 millimeter showing of the Odyssey. So they're like real film people there, right? And we're like, in a gray. We're, like, right in the middle. And him and I have been joking about that movie and how it's so stupid no one else around us knows that we think that movie is stupid. And after the trailer ends, before the Odyssey, he goes, yes. And of course, it was a joke between us, but I felt that ping of secondhand embarrassment because no one here knows that we think it's a stupid movie. They think he is so damn Excited to watch this fucking movie. And I felt that. And I feel like someone could label that as an ick. When I assessed that I had that emotion, I then was angry because I was uncomfortable with that emotion that I felt, and I didn't want it to happen again. And so I was like, that's weird. And I put a label on it when it's something that I felt. It's not necessarily his fault that it caused me to feel that way.

[Morgan]

No, an ick is more on you, I would say.

[Ashby]

I think that. Right. I think that's the problem, is we put it on.

[Morgan]

Yeah. I've got a good example, too. So the other day, I'm sitting here. I was in this chair. My dad and my husband had just gotten done recording my dad's podcast, and my dad was like, okay, I'm gonna go to the bathroom, and then I'm gonna leave. And Justin goes, oh, does Jerry need to make a poopy ick, ick, ick, ick. No. And he said it in a baby voice. And I'm not a baby talker, you know.

[Ashby]

Right.

[Morgan]

Whatever floats your boat. But me, my boat has a lot of holes. If you're baby talking, I'm sinking. And just Jerry needs to make a poopy or whatever he said. I'm like, make a poopy ick. That was an ick for me.

[Ashby]

I think it's like the response you have when you feel an ick. And I think. I think that's kind of what was happening with that girl who had a preference of height and penis size, and she felt those, and she needed to verbalize it. And I think it becomes malicious if you, again, you feel an uncomfortable feeling of embarrassment or dissatisfaction, and you need that person to know. And sometimes it just comes across of like. Like standing outside a shower or kicking your feet in water. I think to put a negative connotation on sometimes feminine traits that men have, which I think that goes down the rabbit hole.

[Morgan]

I don't like that.

[Ashby]

You know what I mean? It's like, oh, when he's, like, too nice to his mom, I'm like, okay, we can't have it both ways. We can't want more feminine qualities in men and more soft and more gentle and caring and then also shame when that happens.

[Morgan]

Yeah. No. That I hate.

[Ashby]

Like, so again, it's like, no. And I don't want to be too much of a male apologist, but I think there is. With the ick. I've always had my. My thoughts about it, because I Feel like it's putting negativity on something that

[Morgan]

just like anything, it can go too far or be taken the wrong way.

[Ashby]

Girl, I do the weird. Oh my God, I do the weirdest shit you've seen me. I'm like, I am a walking ick. I'm corny on the, the cob. Like I'm. I'm there.

[Morgan]

That though your little skits dressing up as Hamilton or the Odyssey, like it gives me life. But no, I think when people twist it and like I just saw another post where it's probably going to be red, I think on our patreon. But this woman is basically being like, my mother in law won't stop, like harassing my husband and basically implying that he's gay because he'll do crafts with me. And it's just like when you take it like, like for someone that could be an ick, like, yeah, he likes crafts.

[Ashby]

Ick.

[Morgan]

That's just.

[Ashby]

Don't be mean.

[Morgan]

Don't be mean, right? Saying, oh, does Jerry need to make a poopy? That that's understandable, I think, right, everyone?

[Ashby]

Like, I think I could.

[Morgan]

There's love.

[Ashby]

Yeah. I think the word has been twisted to the point where like now when it's used, I'm like, how real is, how valid is putting that word on it?

[Morgan]

Let's get into that. Let's get into that. Yeah. I've got one last one for you. Okay, we'll see what you think about this one. It's coming from amathe asshole, titled Am I the asshole for spending all day on the lake? Throw away. My girlfriend knows my main account. I, 26, male, have been with my girlfriend, 25, female, for about two years. Last week I invited her to come camping with me near a lake. It's a really nice lake and I've been wanting to take the canoe out on it for a while. My girlfriend can't swim and doesn't like the water. But I figured she could spend the day at the site and relax with her book. The first morning I asked her if she wanted to come out on the water and she said no. And I said, okay, you're lost. And I started loading up the boat by myself. She asked how long it'd be gone and I just said, not sure. Depends how it feels out there. Which I thought was the end of it. I ended up being out there for around five hours. It was genuinely so nice out there. Super quiet and the weather was fantastic. I paddled around to this little inlet on the far side of the lake. And I just sat there for a while, enjoying the scenery and reading a bit. And I just lost track of time completely. When I got back, she was sitting on the dock, and she looked upset. She said she'd been alone all day in the middle of nowhere with no cell service and no way to reach me. I told her that's exactly why I go out there on the water.

[Ashby]

That's why I brought you out here.

[Morgan]

But to actually disconnect for once. And that if she wanted company, she could have just worn a life jacket and been perfectly safe. It's not like the lake is even that deep near the shore. The rest of the trip was really weird after that, and it felt like I wasn't allowed to go out on the lake anymore, which was one of my big reasons for going camping in the first place. She says that she was worried that something had happened to me. I suppose I could have come back sooner, but I probably would have just gone out soon after. She does know that I've gone canoeing before, so I feel like she should have trusted that I was fine. Am I the asshole?

[Ashby]

Communication, like, that's it. It's. If you wanted to go out on the lake for a long time, it's just communicating with your partner. Because then it's like, do you want to be out here for five hours? Yeah. If you did know you were gonna be five hours, you could say, hey, like, if I want to be out longer, I'll come back. I'll let you know. We can then decide, you know, what you want to do, if you want to go back, if you want to join me this time. But, like, do a little check in. I think it's really just like stranding your partner against their will.

[Morgan]

No cell service.

[Ashby]

Cell service. She can't swim. So then blaming her discomfort is not fair either.

[Morgan]

No. If she does not know how to swim, it's honestly, it's not safe for her to go canoeing across a lake. Right.

[Ashby]

And then I always hate the thing of putting it on the partner. Of, like, well, you could have done this, and then you would have. If you wanted something to do, you should have just done it.

[Morgan]

Yeah.

[Ashby]

That's not a solution. That's you again, putting it on them. So, yeah, I think communication, checking back in. Or like, choosing an activity that you

[Morgan]

both can enjoy equally that go camping with some buddies. Yeah, like, maybe this wasn't your activity. Or, hey, like. Like, let's go camping. This would be a great time for me to teach you how to swim. You just said it's shallow near the shore.

[Ashby]

Right.

[Morgan]

Let's start learning doggy paddle, how to float, treading water. Like, teach her how to swim. You've been together for two years. Yeah. If camping, canoeing, and being around water is a big priority for you. Semen like it is 100. Teach her how to swim. Right. And if she's truly not interested, doesn't want to learn how to swim. Cool. Camp with friends, right? Yeah. And join a club.

[Ashby]

Also, like the big on joining the club, please. I also feel like the, the whole argument of like, I'm obviously safe. I've done this before. That will never calm the mind of someone that loves and cares about you. Because everyone who's ever accidentally died on a canoe has said that they knew what they were doing and that they would be safe. Like, that's how it happens. Right. So I don't. I think it's a bunch of non ungrounded rebuttals to. To her argument. I don't think they stick. They're not appropriate.

[Morgan]

This would, this would really bug me if I was her. And I think he lack of consideration. I think it's. It is kind of going back. Like, is it an ick or an overall lack of respect?

[Ashby]

Yeah. And that's, I think, where it's appropriate to. I think sometimes the word ick could be an overreaction. Sometimes it could be an underreaction. Like, I think that is more than I think what people would say is, Nick, I think that's like a trait or an attribute to that person of like, do you respect your partner? Is the first thing in your mind when you're out there for four hours? Like, are you thinking about her? You're like, what is she doing right now? Is empathetic? Is she tired? Is she worried? And if aren't. If those aren't thoughts that are coming across, I think that's more than an ick. That's, I think immaturity or like a. An issue that needs to be addressed.

[Morgan]

You just kind of blew my mind a little bit. Did I? Yeah. Because I think that is such a great way to say it too. Where it could be an under reaction. Yeah. And I think that's the best way to put it because a lot of times we get into these problems, these situations, and it's like, I'm overreacting. Or your partner makes you feel like you're overreacting based on their reaction and you're like, well, I just kind of. I got the ick. And it's like it's this feeling of

[Ashby]

them telling you to shut up, and you're like, oh, that's such an ick.

[Morgan]

It's like, no, that's not an ick.

[Ashby]

That's actually really.

[Morgan]

That's a genuine issue.

[Ashby]

Right.

[Morgan]

And it could be an underreaction.

[Ashby]

It can diminish, I think. And so I think it's like a vice. No people. Because I. I don't think they're. I think it's just, for lack of a better term for a lot of people, and they don't know or they don't want to say, like, hey, my partner may be verbally abusive. They don't want to say that.

[Morgan]

So they say, like, oh, the way

[Ashby]

he talks to me is an ick. So I think it's. It's dangerous in both regards. I think it was fun when it was coined, and it was a way for mainly women and sometimes men to say, like, oh, this is something my partner does that bothers me, gives me embarrassment. Or it was more playful from the start. Like, I think it started with, like, oh, thinking about my. My partner sitting in the car waiting for it to warm up or whatever. Like, it's cute, it's playful. It's nothing, you know, it's nothing to. To take into serious consideration. But then I think it started treading into, oh, hey, he says these things, and it really hurts my feelings. That's such an ick. Or, oh, he does crafts with me. That's such an ick. So I think it kind of blew out her.

[Morgan]

No, we. The pendulum is swinging from two different sides. And honestly, you know, I think you need to do a PSA about icks. I know.

[Ashby]

I think.

[Morgan]

I think, like, it really needs to be broken down because, like, I think, again, what you said of, like, an ick could be an under reaction. And that is just, like, really clicking with me.

[Ashby]

Yeah.

[Morgan]

Because it is such a human thing to do to, like, give people the benefit of the doubt or, like, kind of like, be the devil's advocate for them. And it's like, no, no, he does love me. It's not that bad. Or, yeah, this or that. But it's like, oh, he just told me to shut up. I just. I got the ick. And it's like, yeah, no, no, no, no, no. Like, like, your spidey senses are tingling, Glasses are coming off. It's not an ick. Like, no, it's genuine.

[Ashby]

Right.

[Morgan]

We might have to change the title. It's going to be interesting. Everyone change the world. Everyone's going to get to the end of the episode and they're going to be like, you started off with something totally different, but then we arrived here. I think that's the point.

[Ashby]

I think it's good.

[Morgan]

It's amazing to have that, that journey of absolutely amazing.

[Ashby]

And I also could be, I could be ignorant on like the true meaning of it. And I could chime in.

[Morgan]

Guys, this is why you chime in the comments.

[Ashby]

I think it's, it's, it's risky to put a definitive definition on something with such nuanced situations and ever. Such as like relationships. I have a very different relationship than I know a lot of people do. We've known each other for a very long time. So for me to speak on new relationships or you know, especially in like the digital world of like online dating or age gap dating or queer dating, like I am taking my specific nuanced situation and putting it on that.

[Morgan]

Yeah.

[Ashby]

So even everything I say here is a grain of salt and always, always, always.

[Morgan]

That's the thing.

[Ashby]

It's like, that's why I think the term ick is, is tricky because it's putting such a defined label on such nuanced situations.

[Morgan]

No, I really, I really appreciate this. And again, I'm not sure what the title is going to be now. Ick or under reaction. I'm not sure. I know you do need to do a psy.

[Ashby]

Just say ash becomes in blankets. I'm cool with that.

[Morgan]

Okay, main description, first line. No, actually no description.

[Ashby]

Just that I give you a crazy thumbnail.

[Morgan]

We're going to get there, right? So overall vote on this one to wrap us all up. Overall vote was asshole.

[Ashby]

I, I think just needs work.

[Morgan]

Your giving needs work.

[Ashby]

Okay, Giving needs work.

[Morgan]

I don't, I think soft. You're the asshole. Yeah, soft, soft.

[Ashby]

You should have known better.

[Morgan]

Okay, Reddit has branded him asshole.

[Ashby]

Yeah, Reddit does that.

[Morgan]

Top comment with only 634 upvotes. Right now you're the asshole. You left her alone for five hours with no way of contacting you or anyone else. You told her it was her loss for not going on a canoe when you know that she cannot swim and does not like the water. Wearing a life jacket doesn't magically make a person suddenly able to swim. Do you even like your girlfriend? Mm. Next comment down. I'd like to add a canoe is, is not the way you convince someone who can't swim to go out on the water either.

[Ashby]

This is a very shaky vessel.

[Morgan]

Uh huh. They go on. You can't even place a foot in one without it feeling like it's going to tip. And they do tip.

[Ashby]

They do tip.

[Morgan]

And then you're underneath them and it just.

[Ashby]

Some people just tip them for fun. That's like part of the sport. It is flipping around in white water. I'm like, what are we doing?

[Morgan]

Splash each other with their little paddles like masochists.

[Ashby]

I don't understand it. Yeah.

[Morgan]

A lot of. You're the asshole. You're the asshole. The. Okay. Your loss is very manipulative and snarky.

[Ashby]

Agreed.

[Morgan]

That's all she wrote.

[Ashby]

Wow, this was great. I need to go on Reddit more, but I need to not look at my name.

[Morgan]

Stop looking at your name.

[Ashby]

I don't have a sub. Subreddit or whatever, like a R. Smash me yet.

[Morgan]

You could make it.

[Ashby]

I don't want to make it. That's the thing. It's like, I like seeking myself out when organically I'm talked about. But I don't ever want to invite the Internet to be like, what do you guys think? That's my biggest fear. Tell me a little bit about me.

[Morgan]

No, you've been an absolute pleasure to have. I'm like, I didn't know you were so, like, healed and healthy and just like. Yeah, I mean, you're very, like, you're tapped in.

[Ashby]

Thank you. I've been in therapy for quite some time at a very young age, but part of that is, like, it's never done. The work's never done.

[Morgan]

Never done. You know, never done. No. I absolutely loved having you. I'd love to have you back. Thank you.

[Ashby]

Oh, please. Anytime.

[Morgan]

Where can people find you, though?

[Ashby]

Ashby A S H B Y on Instagram, on TikTok, on YouTube and on Twitch and on Snapchat, everywhere.

[Morgan]

And on threads.

[Ashby]

Kill me with a spoon. I'm on threads.

[Morgan]

All of Ashby's links will be in the description. Really easy to find. Go, follow, subscribe. Watch the content again. The Odyssey stuff is like, I'm just. I'm cackling. Like, it's so funny. So funny. But thank you. That's all I got. So until next time, friends. Bye.

[Ashby]

Sa.