30 Taylor Swift Shows Later… Red Flag?

Summary

U Up? Podcast Episode Summary

Episode Title: 30 Taylor Swift Shows Later… Red Flag?

Date: October 1, 2025
Hosts: Jordana Abraham & Jared Freid

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Main Theme / Overview

In this lively, banter-filled episode, Jordana and Jared tackle a variety of questions and scenarios about modern dating—everything from funny anecdotes about hotel upgrades to whether attending 30 Taylor Swift concerts is a red flag. The episode explores topics like dealbreakers, nuanced red flags, profile honesty, food quirks, and the complexities of dating app interactions, all through the signature comedic and honest lens that defines “U Up?”. The hosts provide personal stories, listener advice, and plenty of memorable asides on dating standards, boundaries, and the ever-present role of technology in relationships.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. NYC Hotel Adventure & The Power of Serendipity

• [03:01-10:50] Jared shares his recent hotel drama: after being priced out of his NYC hotel, a random encounter with the GM of Moxie hotel (who thought he was someone named Josh) landed him a heavily discounted room.
  • "That should be illegal, right?" — Jordana [04:29]
  • Casts light on how odd connections and luck can benefit you, even if they stem from misunderstandings.
  • Both hosts joke about fan encounters and the New York lifestyle ("You support me and the thing I care about the most. You can call me Patty, I don't give a—" — Jared [11:14]).

2. Nostalgia & Dating Analogies

• [13:02-14:43] Conversation about the movie “You’ve Got Mail” and the rising costs of NYC life turns into a reflection on time, dating, and youth.
  • "Like, a decaf grande macchiato is now like 8.50, probably." — Jordana [13:38]
  • This chat mirrors the dating world: the past always feels closer than it is, and perceptions change with time.

3. The Taylor Swift 30-Concert Dilemma: Red Flag or Dealbreaker?

• [14:46-16:12] The hosts present the main topic: Is attending 30 Taylor Swift concerts a relationship red flag?
  • Both agree it’s less about Taylor Swift, more about obsession: “Anyone who goes to 30 concerts of one band... that’s a groupie.” — Jared [15:43]
  • Jordana: “I want to say I don't think it's a dealbreaker, but it is a red flag.” [15:37]
  • They note that this signals a deeper identity issue—dating someone with such a dominating hobby means signing up for their whole world.
  • Memorable Moment: “Unless they’ve been to 30 J Train standup shows... even for you, you lose it.” — Jordana [16:18]

4. Dating Profile Dilemmas—Clarifying Desires About Kids

• [27:00-36:59] A listener asks for advice: she doesn’t want kids, but keeps getting likes from men who do.
  • Jordana hypothesizes men often swipe for “hotness” over substance: “Men are on these apps... open, let’s see, who knows?" — Jared [30:02]
  • Both agree: It’s fine to filter aggressively; do not feel guilt.
  • Jared highlights the open-endedness of many men’s intentions ("The penis does the picking” — Jordana [35:28]).
  • Advice: If it’s a dealbreaker for you, treat it as such. Talk about these issues early!
  • Discussion concludes that apps allow unprecedented control in filtering for true compatibility.

5. Icky or Picky: The Chef Who Eats Only PB&Js

• [37:01-39:38] A woman is weirded out that her chef boyfriend almost exclusively eats PB&Js.
  • Hosts find her criticism more off-putting than his eating habits.
  • Jordana: “If I'm a chef, I could totally see wanting to come home and be like, I want something extremely simple.” [39:07]
  • Jared sympathizes: doing a creative or physical job can foster a desire for simple routines.
  • Both agree: trying to force a habit change this early on is a red flag from the complainer, not the chef.
  • Memorable Quote: “I’d dump her immediately.” — Jared [38:50]

6. Red Flag or Dealbreaker Games

• Key Scenarios & Opinions:
  • Bringing Your Own Food to a Ball Game ([57:20-64:38])
    • Scenario: A date brings their own sandwich to a game but doesn’t offer to bring any for their companion.
    • Both find it icky and a dealbreaker—basic consideration is expected.
    • "It is ballsy to eat two sandwiches in front of someone and not offer them one." — Jordana [64:22]
  • Secret Finsta Account ([64:40-69:14])
    • A listener finds out his girlfriend has a private Instagram account she won’t let him see.
    • Both lean toward red flag—less about privacy, more about maturity and transparency: "If you can't look at your partner and go, 'Yeah, it's so embarrassing,' and then show them..." — Jared [67:48]
  • Public Following of “Softcore” Accounts ([73:02-84:47])
    • Questions about a boyfriend who publicly follows an influencer with revealing photos.
    • Jordana and Jared agree: It’s not the content, it’s the public nature and “why bother?” that make it questionable.
    • "If you're in a relationship, why do you need to like this? That's unnecessary." — Jordana [83:13]
    • Advice: It's okay to ask for discretion or private consumption if it makes you uncomfortable.

7. Confessing Feelings to a Friend—Honesty Rejection Debrief

• [45:05-54:58] Listener update: she confessed her feelings to a male friend and was gently but firmly turned down (he gave multiple vague excuses).
  • Jared: “He’s not going to date you. You need to move on.” [50:55]
  • Jordana applauds the courage, noting you win by getting clarity—even if you don't get the outcome you want.

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Notable Quotes & Moments (with Timestamps)

• On luck and mistaken identity:
  "You support me and the thing that I care about the most. You can call me Patty, I don't give a—" — Jared [11:14]
• Red flag for groupies:
  "Anyone who goes to 30 concerts of one band... that’s a groupie." — Jared [15:43]
• PB&J debate:
  "I’d dump her immediately." — Jared [38:50]
• On dating apps:
  “Men are on these apps... open, let’s see, who knows?" — Jared [30:02]
• On why you should filter aggressively:
  "Like, who has ever had that ability in the history of dating to be like, I don't want to see your f**ing face if you don't like this one thing..."* — Jordana [33:42]
• On relationship transparency:
  “If you can't look at your partner and go, ‘Yeah, it's so embarrassing,’ and then show them..." — Jared [67:48]

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Major Takeaways & Listener Advice

• Be clear about your dealbreakers (especially serious things like kids).
• Don't overthink how others might judge your preferences—apps allow you to filter for yourself, not your friends.
• Obsession in any form—whether music fandom or dietary habits—should prompt deeper questions about lifestyle compatibility.
• A little weirdness is OK, but lack of basic consideration (like not offering to share a sandwich) isn't.
• Bravery in expressing feelings is admirable, even if it ends in rejection.
• Privacy in a relationship is okay, but complete secrecy often signals deeper immaturity or disconnect.
• Everyone has quirks online (old Finstas, followers), but it's how openly they're addressed with a partner that matters.

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Additional Notes & Final Thoughts

• The episode is packed with the hosts' trademark humor, sarcasm, and open acknowledgment of their biases.
• Listeners are encouraged to write in with their own red flag/dealbreaker scenarios, relationship questions, and feedback.
• Several in-pod promotions for the “U Up? with Benefits” subscription content and bonus podcast segments.
• The show ends with reminders to catch bonus episodes, submit questions, and the classic—“We did it! Solve dat(ing)!” [85:25]

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• 03:01-10:50 — Jared’s Moxie hotel story
• 14:46-16:12 — Taylor Swift concert red flag
• 27:00-36:59 — Dating apps and children discussion
• 37:01-39:38 — PB&J chef: Icky or picky?
• 45:05-54:58 — Confessing feelings to a friend (listener story)
• 57:20-64:38 — Red Flag Game (Baseball game date food scenario)
• 64:40-69:14 — Secret Finsta account in relationships
• 73:02-84:47 — Public following of “softcore” accounts while in a relationship

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For Listeners Who Haven’t Tuned In:

This episode delivers relatable dating scenarios, textured advice, and plenty of laughs—essential listening for anyone navigating the modern dating world with an eye for honesty, boundaries, and a good story.

Transcript

[Jordana Abraham]

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[Jared Freid]

A little bit? I. I mean a little bit.

[Jordana Abraham]

A little bit. Not like obviously it's not like what you're thinking about on the day, like all day. But there is like a passing thought.

[Jared Freid]

I will say when I had, when I the Netflix special like was announced, a thought of like people who dated me did. I did have that thought of like.

[Jordana Abraham]

People who doubted you, who dated you.

[Jared Freid]

No one ever really? No one ever said my face.

[Jordana Abraham]

No one ever thought you couldn't do it?

[Jared Freid]

No. Like I'm a riches to riches tale.

[Jordana Abraham]

The American dream.

[Jared Freid]

Yeah.

[Jordana Abraham]

Hello and welcome back to the UF podcast. I'm Jordana Abraham.

[Jared Freid]

And I am Jared Freed. It is so good to be back here with you, Jordana. I'm starting off embarrassed. I. We were supposed to watch you've Got Mail.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yes.

[Jared Freid]

For our Friday Feels episode. And I immediately went, yep, I didn't watch that. I totally forgot to do it.

[Jordana Abraham]

Was this like you in school?

[Jared Freid]

Yes.

[Jordana Abraham]

Like teachers like and everyone take out the. The worksheet from the homework last night and you'd be like, didn't do that.

[Jared Freid]

I literally would have to eat it. There's so many times in my school history of Me going, that's a thing that we were supposed to do for today. That's a thing I knew to do for today. Did not do that thing for today. Like, nice. I definitely, many times were in high school where it'd be like me hitting my pockets, looking for your homework. That doesn't.

[Jordana Abraham]

Your homework in your pocket.

[Jared Freid]

Yeah.

[Jordana Abraham]

I thought it was in this binder. I must have left it on the kitchen counter.

[Jared Freid]

Right. And then thinking, how am I gonna. My way. This is my dating life.

[Jordana Abraham]

Solely ate the. Your homework.

[Jared Freid]

Stolely ate my homework. They like, who stole? I like. That's the dog we have. You have a dog? Yeah. Right.

[Jordana Abraham]

Named after vodka. Now what's going on in the Freed house?

[Jared Freid]

It all makes sense. I had a weird thing, so I. We're taping this. You know, we're batching these as we do now that I'm in Delray Beach. But I was gonna. I. I was going to fly back to New York tonight, and because the hotels here. Expensive.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yeah.

[Jared Freid]

I got priced out.

[Jordana Abraham]

It's an expensive city.

[Jared Freid]

Expensive. You hear that? Did you know New York City?

[Jordana Abraham]

That's what I've heard.

[Jared Freid]

Costs a lot of money.

[Jordana Abraham]

The nice thing about New York being so expensive is that when you leave and everyone's like, this city's so expensive. It doesn't feel that expensive. Because you're coming from New York.

[Jared Freid]

Right. Everything in relation to New York. Who cares?

[Jordana Abraham]

Right?

[Jared Freid]

Like a New York City beer or a drink. When I first moved here, it was like the going rate for a beer was like, $5.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yeah. Not anymore.

[Jared Freid]

That is not the case anymore. But the $5 beer, you know, it's like the big. They. I think it's called the Big Mac. There's a economic thing where you compare the price of a Big Mac, different cities, and that tells you the actual, like, change in currency.

[Jordana Abraham]

I mean, a coffee is $8.

[Jared Freid]

It's crazy. Yeah. And so when you leave here, you're right. You go, oh, this is. Everything's cheap. Oh, my God. It's like going from here to Canada. You're like, oh, I can spend as much as I want. So I'm now getting the reverse of it. Where I'm like, a hotel was $700 a night.

[Jordana Abraham]

Like, Adam, the Hilton Garden Inn was $700 a night.

[Jared Freid]

I am telling you, it is.

[Jordana Abraham]

That should be illegal, right?

[Jared Freid]

It feels like it should be like. And that is, again, to. To. To empathize with the New York City hater, who will never be wrong. That's why they're annoying. They're like, oh, it's dirty and there's homeless and everything's so expensive. And you have to go, yes, yes and yes. But I love it. You know, it's like, that's why the New York hater, like, or the people that like, hate on things. You're gonna be right at some point. Like, there's things I can't disagree with, but right. There's also New York City. Is New York City. Like we. You win all the time. So that's why New Yorkers get this reputation. You're a piece of. You're an elitist. Whatever. Okay, all true. So all true. So I'm coming home yesterday and I'm like debating my week because I was gonna go back to Delray and then go to can tonight and then go to Kansas City on Friday, which is like a pain in the ass. Like, you gotta go home. But then like, you know, Kansas City.

[Jordana Abraham]

Either way you're getting on. I guess you're getting on one extra flight. Yeah.

[Jared Freid]

If I go home and to be home for a day, you go, what's that worth? It's a lot of exhaustion. But I was like, I kind of like, resigned to it. I'm walking up to my hotel as I'm thinking about this. Ah, what am I going to do? I guess I'll go home. A guy walks by me and goes, Josh. And I go, I think that felt like he was talking to me. Okay, But I can't be that attention starved that I go, j, are you talking to me?

[Jordana Abraham]

Jared?

[Jared Freid]

Jared. Like, I can't. That would look like a loser. Okay, no, I'm not Josh, but I'm Jared.

[Jordana Abraham]

Just on the street.

[Jared Freid]

Just on the street. Just. I hear Josh and I'm like, I know that was meant for me, okay? But I can't turn, so I just keep walking. A guy runs up beside me. He goes, I seen you at the Cellar, man. So funny.

[Jordana Abraham]

He doesn't know your name.

[Jared Freid]

And he. And I'm. I'm man, dude, bro, you know? And I go, thank you. Oh, that's so nice. He goes, you staying here? And he points at my hotel or at the Moxie.

[Jordana Abraham]

Okay?

[Jared Freid]

And I go, no. Like, I don't know. He goes. He goes, you're not staying here. I go, what's. I go, no. He goes, I'm the GM of this hotel. And I go, no way, dude. He goes. I go, well, Moxie used to sponsor our podcast.

[Jordana Abraham]

We did our whole 2019 tour.

[Jared Freid]

2019 tour was all sponsored by Moxie. I was like, I am Familiar with the brand. I'm like, stated a bunch of them. We have stated moxies around the country. We know the moxie brand. And I go, I listen, man, I'm familiar just because I've stayed. We. Our whole tour was sponsored by you guys. He goes, would you. You know, if you ever need a room and what you hear about when you start to, like, fly in and out of New York for work, okay. There's people that will say to you, get involved, like, chum up with one of the hotels. They'll give you a deal. Yeah, they say that. People say this, you know when like, people.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yeah, and you'll. It's like they. You. They get the promotion. You get the.

[Jared Freid]

Well, not even promotion. People say this to you without having a following. They go, if you just talk to someone and say, I come a lot, they'll figure out a way to make you a consistent customer.

[Jordana Abraham]

Okay.

[Jared Freid]

And people say this to you as if it's, like, going to happen. I'm like, well, I'll keep that in mind. But I'm not, like, looking and be like, hey, how you doing? You know, like the Hilton Garden in lady, right? So, like, I. I kind of, like, had that my head. And I said to him, I go, well, dude, it's crazy you say this. I'm actually in the market.

[Jordana Abraham]

Wow.

[Jared Freid]

And he goes, take my car.

[Jordana Abraham]

Have him put his money where his mouth is, right?

[Jared Freid]

He goes, take my card. I go, great. And then I get back into my room and I text him right away. I go, it's really a room tonight. I go, I need a room tomorrow night and Thursday and Friday if I stay. And I go. But also, no pressure, no worries if not, Right?

[Jordana Abraham]

Exactly. That you're asking for the plus one to the wedding, right?

[Jared Freid]

Like, this is. I know you offered, but, like, I'm willing to, like, make it easy on you to say I don't have no worries if not. No worries if not.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yes.

[Jared Freid]

And he goes, no, I got you. And then he goes, like. But now I'm like, texting with this random number, so I'm like. I'm just believing a guy who came up to me in the streets, right?

[Jordana Abraham]

He could just be a guy who's, like, gonna kidnap you, right?

[Jared Freid]

I don't know what's going on.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yeah. Come to room 605. That's your room, right?

[Jared Freid]

And I'm like, one of those people, like, look at me like, they give you a car. Someone wouldn't want to take advantage of me and my body. Exactly.

[Jordana Abraham]

People are always looking for 40, 40 year old non virgins to sell into white slavery. 40 year old male non virgins.

[Jared Freid]

I am the type. So I. So I go. He's like, he shows me. He did a thing.

[Jordana Abraham]

He had a card that was from.

[Jared Freid]

It was from Mox, so that made me feel a little bit better. But he's like, oh. So he's like, no problem. He goes, this is how much it would have been. Which I thought was weird. He showed me like, the price for the next two nights.

[Jordana Abraham]

Okay, how much?

[Jared Freid]

$1,400 a night or two nights.

[Jordana Abraham]

Okay.

[Jared Freid]

With taxes, with everything.

[Jordana Abraham]

He's like, so crazy.

[Jared Freid]

But yeah, so that's crazy. And he goes, I can get you 200 bucks a night and we'll waive the whatever fee. And I'm like, yeah, done, of course.

[Jordana Abraham]

And now does he want something in return for that?

[Jared Freid]

Well, no, not. He hasn't asked yet, but he was like, I can set you up with our marketing people. Like, maybe like, I mean, this is a promotion.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yeah. This is worth more than that.

[Jared Freid]

Right? This is. But Moxie, like we have a good experience there. It's a Bonvoy Hotel, which got me into Bonvoy, which is why I'm a Bonvoy guy. So all this all worked out. So now I literally. That's why I'm six minutes late today.

[Jordana Abraham]

Taking your sweet ass time.

[Jared Freid]

I took my time. I had to pack my stuff and move hotels.

[Jordana Abraham]

So you moved this morning.

[Jared Freid]

Literally before I came here. I put my stuff downstairs in the Moxie.

[Jordana Abraham]

Nice.

[Jared Freid]

And. But what a, like a.

[Jordana Abraham]

Kind of a good hotel?

[Jared Freid]

Yeah, no, they're great. They, they, you know, they're built for millennials.

[Jordana Abraham]

Like all the things. Closets.

[Jared Freid]

No closets. All the things that you'd be like not using at a hotel that would. Your parents would need.

[Jordana Abraham]

Right.

[Jared Freid]

The Moxie doesn't have. And they have. And I, I haven't even been in the room yet, but it's like, it's the one outlets everywhere. Just like, you know, you're bathing in outlets. Just outlets coming on your face, you know.

[Jordana Abraham]

So now are you a Moxie guy as of yet?

[Jared Freid]

Yeah.

[Jordana Abraham]

Like, is this your rate?

[Jared Freid]

No, I. Well, now I have his number.

[Jordana Abraham]

Well, you should say I'm like going to be.

[Jared Freid]

This will be. And it's. Right.

[Jordana Abraham]

You're here quite often.

[Jared Freid]

Yeah. So this is going to be like the deal. I'll try. You know, this is the tree I'll shake right when I come to New York.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yeah. That's great.

[Jared Freid]

200 bucks. You can't beat that.

[Jordana Abraham]

And this is just from someone on the street.

[Jared Freid]

That's crazy random. Who thought I was Josh?

[Jordana Abraham]

Well, I mean, here's the thing. Is it less insulting because you got something out of it? It was if he was just a fan. Ish. Listen, you would have been insulted.

[Jared Freid]

No, your name. Josh. Josh. I'm a huge fan. Not insulting.

[Jordana Abraham]

A huge fan overtakes the Josh.

[Jared Freid]

Yes. Okay, Josh. I've been to all your shows. Don't give a. You can call me Patty. I don't give a.

[Jordana Abraham]

Got it.

[Jared Freid]

You support me and the things that I. The thing that I care about the most. Yeah, of course. No, but. Oh, I love the podcast. You know, Justine, I love the podcast. What makes are you mad?

[Jordana Abraham]

I wouldn't be mad, but I would be like, how much could you really love it if you don't know my name?

[Jared Freid]

Who gives a? I guess, you know, like, at that point I'll believe you.

[Jordana Abraham]

Right?

[Jared Freid]

You know, it's like when someone says, I have people that are like, I was at your show last night and I go, thank you so much. They so happy you had fun. I'll just assume for my own well being.

[Jordana Abraham]

Right?

[Jared Freid]

And then sometimes someone's crazy enough to go, I didn't say it was good. And I go, well, goodbye. Like, I just stopped talking to that person. I just turn off.

[Jordana Abraham]

Right.

[Jared Freid]

I had that with a influencer.

[Jordana Abraham]

Which one?

[Jared Freid]

I. I'll never forget it. I'll never forget it.

[Jordana Abraham]

How many followers do they have?

[Jared Freid]

Enough to me make me upset. I saw them at like, sohous and they were like, saw your Tonight show. And I go, thank you. And they go, I didn't say it was good. And I was like, my good luck.

[Jordana Abraham]

That's such a weird. It's like in like a jokey way, I guess.

[Jared Freid]

I guess they're trying to be at its. At its. At my most empathetic. They're trying to be flirty and whatever because they were single at the time and it was maybe their way of, like, I could see that. I could see a little neg. Well, didn't work.

[Jordana Abraham]

Not for you.

[Jared Freid]

Yeah. Didn't turn me on.

[Jordana Abraham]

Okay.

[Jared Freid]

Turn me off.

[Jordana Abraham]

Wow.

[Jared Freid]

So what's going on with you? How are you now that you've heard everything about my life the last 24 hours?

[Jordana Abraham]

Yeah, last 24 hours.

[Jared Freid]

Yeah.

[Jordana Abraham]

Now I heard every reason why you didn't watch you've Got Mail.

[Jared Freid]

Well. Well, that was the thing. I had shows last night. Here's excuse Land. And then I. Yeah, I totally forgot.

[Jordana Abraham]

No, but it was funny. I mean, we're gonna. We're gonna review. You've got mail.

[Jared Freid]

It's coming.

[Jordana Abraham]

So watch Friday, but the Friday after that. So if you want to watch it between now and Friday of next week, this is your warning to do so. But one thing I'll give you a little sneak peek is that. Is that Tom Hanks's character talks about the price of. There's a lot of Starbucks in the movie.

[Jared Freid]

Starbucks was huge. It's. It was of the time. Like, that's when Starbucks blew up. AOL and Starbucks. Huge, right?

[Jordana Abraham]

1998. Yeah, right there.

[Jared Freid]

Big moment.

[Jordana Abraham]

But he's like. He's talking about how people use Starbucks because it makes them feel like they can make decisions. But he's saying, for 295, you can make any decision you want. Macchiato, whatever. I'm like. Like a. A decaf grande Macchiato is now like 850, probably. He's like, 295.

[Jared Freid]

Like, life comes at you fast. That's crazy. Yeah.

[Jordana Abraham]

That is not even that long ago.

[Jared Freid]

No, I know.

[Jordana Abraham]

Actually, I guess it's almost 20, 30 years. Almost 30 years.

[Jared Freid]

This is the problem with, like, TV and movies is, like, I think that's what makes our brain think it wasn't that long ago. Like, 2000. You know, I graduated in 2003 from high school. Yeah, easy. I just heard him gasp.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yikes.

[Jared Freid]

2003. That's 22 years ago.

[Jordana Abraham]

That's crazy.

[Jared Freid]

Crazy that, like, 22 years ago in 2003, you'd be like, that's old, you know?

[Jordana Abraham]

Yeah. If you were in high school, looking at you, you'd be like, that's old. But.

[Jared Freid]

But if I was in high school, looking at 22 years ago, I'd be like, the 80s. Like, that's crazy. But we don't think of it that way.

[Jordana Abraham]

Right. You don't think of the 80s is 40 years ago. You think of the 80s as 20 years ago.

[Jared Freid]

Right.

[Jordana Abraham]

Right.

[Jared Freid]

So, yeah. But we're all up.

[Jordana Abraham]

295.

[Jared Freid]

I just heard. I just heard a great red flag deal breaker.

[Jordana Abraham]

What's your.

[Jared Freid]

I was hanging out with my friend. She was dating a guy. You date someone and you find out they've been to 30 Taylor Swift concerts, 30 eras.

[Jordana Abraham]

Tour or overall?

[Jared Freid]

Overall. All in.

[Jordana Abraham]

I could see how that would happen.

[Jared Freid]

A man. Oh, straight.

[Jordana Abraham]

Alone. I'd have more questions.

[Jared Freid]

He's got a group. I. I did the same thing as you. I had so many more questions. I was like, alone. I did the same thing.

[Jordana Abraham]

Right.

[Jared Freid]

Do they have a group? Is what got them into it?

[Jordana Abraham]

He's a huge Swifty.

[Jared Freid]

Huge. Like, like not joking. I'm a guy who likes Swift. Do you know what I mean?

[Jordana Abraham]

I mean, 30 concerts is not a joke.

[Jared Freid]

That's 30 concerts.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yeah.

[Jared Freid]

This is his thing. This is what he loves.

[Jordana Abraham]

I want to say I don't think it's a deal breaker, but it is a red flag.

[Jared Freid]

I'll say this, I don't care that it's Taylor Swift. Anyone who goes to 30 concerts of one place, one of one band that's a groupie. They're a groupie. That is like a real part of their life that you're signing up for. Like, that's like a real.

[Jordana Abraham]

That's who they are.

[Jared Freid]

Yeah, yeah. So. And they've got their friends from that world that they've met.

[Jordana Abraham]

Are you out?

[Jared Freid]

I'm not out. It's. It's definitely like red flag. It's a, It's a red flag. Like, yeah, I could.

[Jordana Abraham]

Unless they've been to 30J train stand up shows.

[Jared Freid]

Even that Jared Fried.

[Jordana Abraham]

You're like stalker.

[Jared Freid]

Yeah. That guy's not that even for you. Yeah, you lose it. Listen, if you do want to go to at least one J Train show, I'm on the road, I'm doing theaters. Theaters.

[Jordana Abraham]

Table for one.

[Jared Freid]

Table for one. Tour is happening. We added Miami. Miami. We're going to Miami. Bienvenido amiami. We're going to Miami and Fort Lauderdale. That's going to be Thanksgiving weekend.

[Jordana Abraham]

What a great time to be in Florida.

[Jared Freid]

Right? So if you're there visiting family for that Thursday, Thanksgiving, Friday and Saturday, Friday in Fort Lauderdale, Saturday in Miami. You're going to be like, I want to get away from these people. Or you have to be around them, bring them to the show. But you don't have to talk at my show. You let me do the talking for you. So it's a great way to be with family and not really be with them. My parents will probably come to the Fort Lauderdale show.

[Jordana Abraham]

Okay.

[Jared Freid]

I think getting them to Miami would be a real tough move.

[Jordana Abraham]

I mean, it's interesting because I'd be like, if I'm your parents and I'm not sure if this changes once you're a parent, but I'd be like, I just saw the show, why would I go to the show again?

[Jared Freid]

Right. No, they, they really liked the, the last show. Like they loved bringing their friends cuz so much of it was about.

[Jordana Abraham]

About them too. Yeah.

[Jared Freid]

Which were true narcissists. But a lot of this is turning into stuff about them. Like, I'm getting so many stories from being near them that I don't even know how to keep up. Like, I can't keep up with materials.

[Jordana Abraham]

Well, that's where a series comes in, Right?

[Jared Freid]

Well, that's where I'm. Yeah, that's the goal, I think, for a lot of these stories. Because there are stories where I'm like, I can't even believe, like, I'm here. Like.

[Jordana Abraham]

Right.

[Jared Freid]

Like, they have.

[Jordana Abraham]

I mean, the story you just told on benefits about the car, I would say, is very much the car.

[Jared Freid]

Really? Yeah. If you want to hear a story about the car, you can go sign up for benefits. My mommy called the dealership to tell on them. So. So what do you got going on? Over sharing.

[Jordana Abraham]

Over sharing.

[Jared Freid]

Go.

[Jordana Abraham]

Listen, listen. We've also got subscription there. It's a. We. We. We take all your feedback, and you guys.

[Jared Freid]

Yeah, you're really read. You guys really put yourself through it. Yeah, you read.

[Jordana Abraham]

We listen to the. We listen to the listeners.

[Jared Freid]

Yeah, I don't listen to these people at all.

[Jordana Abraham]

So she's got to listen to people. It's a thing brutal. You know, she confronts people to their. To their. To their face, to their email.

[Jared Freid]

Right.

[Jordana Abraham]

So it's a. You know, I'm learning a lot about confrontation.

[Jared Freid]

I guess that's like. Does Dr. Naomi get, like, a set? I would get a satisfaction, like, getting them. Do you get them live? So you take their feedback and then you, like, try to, like, get them on the show.

[Jordana Abraham]

We have, I think, more people with an issue. Issues want to come on the show, but not the feedback. No one wants to look. Say it to your face. Right. You just email you. But we read the feedback. Paper tigers in our benefit, in our subscription episodes, we read the feedback and then we'll respond to it.

[Jared Freid]

Okay.

[Jordana Abraham]

Everyone who's, like, angry at us, which.

[Jared Freid]

I'm sure is like, kind of like, feels good. It's got to be soothing to be like, I. Here's. Here's your point.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yeah.

[Jared Freid]

Now, because the hardest part about Internet feedback is, like, if you go back at them, the tone is lost of like.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yes.

[Jared Freid]

Hey, like, I hear what you're saying. Here's why we made the decisions we made. And when you say it that way with that tone, I feel like it kind of, like, eases things.

[Jordana Abraham]

It does. And I think it, like, you know, especially when you're doing it on an episode, you have time to, like, digest it. Because when you first read any kind of feedback, you're like, off.

[Jared Freid]

Right, right, right. Fu Mode.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yeah, but then sometimes you have like a few days to, to sit on it and you read it out loud and you discuss it with someone and you're like, yeah, there's this point, right.

[Jared Freid]

It's also something like you've probably thought of before. Like, they're bringing up something I've had people say in calm and very nice ways. Like, hey, I saw this joke and I'm like, I just want to let you know, like, here's how it made me feel when I heard you say that. And then I'm like, I. And I remember there was one thing where I was like, yeah, I. I kind of had, like, I was like wondering if it was offensive and in the room it would get a laugh. So I'm like, I always, you know, laugh versus offensive. It can be funnier than offensive. But I'm like, But also to hear a personalized version, I take that into account. Like, I don't get on stage to. Some people do get on stage to make people upset. That's not my game.

[Jordana Abraham]

Right?

[Jared Freid]

That's not your game. You're not doing this podcast to make anyone upset. Like, that's why it's so annoying to hear it back. You're like, I had the best of intentions, you know, like, I was here to make you laugh. Okay. Didn't see it from that angle.

[Jordana Abraham]

Right. Well, that's why I usually, if there's feedback to be responded to, it's usually when there's like a few different people who are saying the same.

[Jared Freid]

Same thing. Right.

[Jordana Abraham]

Because that's, you know, one person is usually, if you get feedback from one person, of course you remember that more than anyone else.

[Jared Freid]

But.

[Jordana Abraham]

But that's. I don't think that that's representative if I'm getting like a consistent feedback.

[Jared Freid]

No, I hear you. Well, one person represents, let's call it 10. Three represents like 300.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yeah. You know, like, so it takes a lot for. Can you. I. Can you imagine writing in to anyone.

[Jared Freid]

To know what you thought ever I would just leave? I just.

[Jordana Abraham]

Right. Or like comment commenting on an Instagram. It's so. It's so hard for me to get into the mentality of someone who would like, leave a restaurant review or comment on a celebrity's Instagram or write into like, you know, feedback to a podcast. And again, nothing. There's nothing wrong with that, but it's just so far from anything I would do.

[Jared Freid]

I've. When I've done it, I. You do become obsessed with it. Like, I, like when I did a three episode arc of how many shrimp come in the hot and sour soup at the restaurant Red Farm.

[Jordana Abraham]

You don't like Red Farm?

[Jared Freid]

I really like Red Farm. That's an Asian. I would say Asian.

[Jordana Abraham]

I've been there.

[Jared Freid]

Chinese?

[Jordana Abraham]

Yeah. Sort of like new fusion. Ish. Yeah.

[Jared Freid]

It's in the city. They have a couple locations. I went in and they had this big soup, the hot and sour soup that came with shrimp. And there were two shrimp in there. And I saw on the website there were four shrimp. And I'm like, on the website, there were four shrimp. Yeah, we gotta start. We gotta start. I won't get into this. I did, like, three different episodes of a podcast.

[Jordana Abraham]

I think we could do a whole therapy session on the fact that you went to the. To the website and saw that there were supposed to be four shrimp.

[Jared Freid]

It. In the. In the picture, it shows two bowls with two shrimp over each of the bowls. And then it shows a big cauldron. Okay. I got the cauldron, and I'm fishing around there. There's two shrimp. And I said to the guy, I go, you know, and so then I went back, I go, how many shrimp come? You know, like, I'm asking. I did, like, an undercover. Yeah. Like, and then he came out. He goes, please, sir. So the guy was like. And I said something, and I go, I just saw. I go, here's the picture. Shows the picture. He goes, we're gonna give you two more shrimp. But, like, we don't do this. Like, and it became this. And he couldn't have been nicer or more attentive. But I. Like, if I risen out of my body, I'd be like, what the fudge are you doing? Like, if I were them, I'd be like, this guy out there, he's bringing pictures of shrimp. Yeah. You know, like. And then my dad was like, is it. You know, the way you measure shrimp is, like, in how many come in a pound? So there's like, Q, 10 Q. Now I'm like, learning about shrimp packaging, and it became a whole thing.

[Jordana Abraham]

So, like, advertising.

[Jared Freid]

Once you're down the road of, like, I'm not mad. I just need these people to know, you know, like.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yeah, but you said you didn't write it in a review of Red.

[Jared Freid]

I guess you did three podcasts.

[Jordana Abraham]

I guess you're doing that right now.

[Jared Freid]

I'm doing it right now. I'm a huge red.

[Jordana Abraham]

Well, you know, that's probably Red Farm. I have to say. That's probably why I don't write any reviews, because I have a platform to right. State my meaningless opinion and I yeah, having applied.

[Jared Freid]

Well then yeah, yeah, you so I.

[Jordana Abraham]

Don'T need to write a review. I can talk on a platform that people listen to.

[Jared Freid]

They say 10,000 followers feels the same as a million.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yeah.

[Jared Freid]

So if you have a community of people that like comment on your Yelp reviews, you do feel like you have a platform.

[Jordana Abraham]

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[Jared Freid]

Are we talking about?

[Jordana Abraham]

Let's get into it. All right, watch you've got mail for next Friday.

[Jared Freid]

Yeah, everyone watch it, including me.

[Jordana Abraham]

I'm sorry, including Jared. Yes. Make sure you, most importantly, you. All right, I will read our first email. Hi jj, thanks for helping me keep my sanity while dating for the past 7ish years.

[Jared Freid]

You and I both sister.

[Jordana Abraham]

I have two questions about kids. Specifically, as a woman who doesn't want kids. If it helps or is relevant. I'm 36, live in a major city, usually matching with men 37 to 45. Okay, I have in my profile that I do not have kids and do not want kids. However, I get so many likes from men who have want kids in their profile. Whenever I get a like I first look at their photo and I find if I find them attractive then I immediately go to the part where hin shows the family info and if it says wants kids I hit the X without looking at anything else. Okay, a woman who knows what she wants.

[Jared Freid]

I get it. She's right.

[Jordana Abraham]

Is there a better way to highlight that I don't want kids on my profile or is this just the work I need to do Sorting through my likes. I know I could put it in a prompt, but the ones I have either get a lot of good responses that start conversations or I feel showcase how I live my life and thus we could be a match. So I don't really want to take up a prompt space for something already in my profile. The only other place I could think of is the comment part of the relationship goals, but wondering if men would miss that too. Or I could add it to the new pop up that comes up if we match, but I feel like that's so aggressive. I guess I'm wondering if Jared could give me any tips on how men typically read profiles so that I don't have to sift through as many of these wants wants kids profiles. I currently have about 20 I need to go through.

[Jared Freid]

Wow, this woman's humble brag. Yeah.

[Jordana Abraham]

2. With all that said, what do you both think about the open to kids guy liking my profile? Give him a chance or hit the X. Thanks Dink batch. And a dink is double income, no kids.

[Jared Freid]

So I think that this email would get by most people overlooked But I think by this podcast, I love that we're talking about it.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yeah.

[Jared Freid]

Because even if you're someone who's just on the apps. I don't know. I don't know. Well, to me, this.

[Jordana Abraham]

I had a feeling about what you would say.

[Jared Freid]

What did you think I would say?

[Jordana Abraham]

I think you would say is that if a man who wants kids is still liking your profile, men like profiles because they would hook up.

[Jared Freid]

Right.

[Jordana Abraham]

Because they would go out with you. It's not that he's like, didn't read, doesn't know that you. That you don't want kids.

[Jared Freid]

Right.

[Jordana Abraham]

It's that he's open to not being in a full relationship with you, not having a serious relationship with you. So he's down for something, for anything.

[Jared Freid]

Well, if you want to look at it more empathetically. But I'm not saying that was a negative way to look at the men, because I do think men are on these apps, probably in the way most women should be on the apps. Like, which is what open. Let's see, who knows? I think, because when, if, if this email, which I think is perfect, I think it's like they're being honest. They're telling us exactly how they feel. They trust us enough that we're not going to like. Because if this person said this to their friends who are married with kids and was complaining about their dating life, the friends could come back at them if they still talk to them at all about this. Because a lot of friends bail and they're like, done having the conversation with you. After a while, they would look at her and go, just, he's, you know, just chill. Just go out, see what they're like. And she's going, no, I have this one thing. I don't want kids. Well, maybe you'll like a guy who has kids. Maybe you'll, maybe you'll, you know, maybe you'll change your mind. This is how people treat single people. They go, you don't know, maybe you'll meet someone. Maybe. Oh, well, he's open to kids, but that doesn't mean he has to have kids. From the outside looking into dating, this person gets told to shut the up. And because I get told this, oh, no, I'm like, yeah, they're not my type who can. No, but you may go on the.

[Jordana Abraham]

Date and they might be amazing.

[Jared Freid]

And, you know, they do that, that thing to you, which I would say she needs, like, to take a little sip of. Like. But, like, so the way these men are looking at her profile she is getting a very real data set on how men look at all profiles, which is whatever, hot, I'm down. We'll see. Yeah, that's how men look at profiles. Down to. And then we'll see. Open to short, looking for short term, open to long. That is every man on a dating app. And this is proof of that.

[Jordana Abraham]

Sure.

[Jared Freid]

Because I don't believe they don't see at all that you have. I don't want kids.

[Jordana Abraham]

Okay.

[Jared Freid]

I'd say percentage wise, you notice 75 notice 25 were like, oh, didn't even notice.

[Jordana Abraham]

Would that affect how you would swipe? Would you still like someone who said doesn't want kids.

[Jared Freid]

Pro. Depends how hot. Well, yeah, I mean, I mean that's.

[Jordana Abraham]

What she's got 20. I got two people, 20 profiles look through, right.

[Jared Freid]

If they're hot and sexy. Also if they're like kind of look in their profile like they're here for casual of any kind. And that's not fair. But that's. I'm just telling you like, right. If you're in a low cut shirt and you got sleeve of tattoos, to me that rings like you like to have fun and you're alternative so you might be down. And again, you're hearing don't shoot the messenger.

[Jordana Abraham]

Right.

[Jared Freid]

I get how this sounds disgusting, but I'm telling you exactly. And so if I saw first picture, hot picture, big old titties, you know, beautiful eyes. Did I mention the titties?

[Jordana Abraham]

Doesn't want kids.

[Jared Freid]

Doesn't. And then I no, but I like. And then I go, oh, we matched. And then I see. Doesn't want kids. I go, let's see how the conversation right. Again, this is how men are. And again, she's looking ahead. She's going to. I gotta make sure they fit all these things before I'll even move forward. She won't even look at their profiles.

[Jordana Abraham]

Right. Well, I think that's fine.

[Jared Freid]

Fear that she'll get ahead of herself.

[Jordana Abraham]

I actually think that's fine to me.

[Jared Freid]

Wrong.

[Jordana Abraham]

If I'm the person who's like, you're being annoying.

[Jared Freid]

I'm.

[Jordana Abraham]

I'm like that because I'm like, how hard is it to just X on a profile to just not match? Like she's basically writing in with this problem that these guys who want different things than her are still looking for her. You're on an app where you don't even. It's not like you're going at. I could see this frustration if she's like, I keep going on dates with guys and then I, you know, I don't want kids. And every guy I'm going out with does want kids. And so I feel like I'm wasting my time. You're not even. You don't even have to speak to these people. Like, if the problem is that these people are interested in you, but they have something that's a deal breaker for you on your profile, just press the X and go on with your day.

[Jared Freid]

So you can.

[Jordana Abraham]

And you can filter that.

[Jared Freid]

You never see them. Sure.

[Jordana Abraham]

Like, what kind of. Like, who has ever had that ability in the history of dating to be like, I don't want to see your fucking face if you don't like this one thing that I'm. That is important to me.

[Jared Freid]

So let's say she agrees with what you're saying. She's also has a secondary question.

[Jordana Abraham]

Right? That's my first. First part of the first part.

[Jared Freid]

You're right. You're being annoying to the emailer because she is being annoying. Like, well, I'm just like, how much.

[Jordana Abraham]

Easier could it be?

[Jared Freid]

Well, she's kind of doing what I just said, but in the more edible way. These fuckable guys all say they are open to kids.

[Jordana Abraham]

For part two.

[Jared Freid]

Right?

[Jordana Abraham]

For part two.

[Jared Freid]

It's annoying. Can I trust them?

[Jordana Abraham]

Right?

[Jared Freid]

And I. We can't really, you know, we can't save you from uncomfortable conversations. We can't save you from wasting time. No one can.

[Jordana Abraham]

I actually feel like if a guy wrote open to kids, then I would believe him that he doesn't need them, but that he's open to them. Because I feel like more women, most women, not all women, many women do want kids. And so if you're not saying you want kids definitively, you're actually being honest. Because I think you'd get more matches if you said wants kids, then doesn't want kids.

[Jared Freid]

Right. You don't want to say you don't. Yeah. You don't want to get yourself out of the conversation with doesn't want kids.

[Jordana Abraham]

Right.

[Jared Freid]

You want to go, you've never really cared.

[Jordana Abraham]

Right.

[Jared Freid]

And I think it's very male to go, let's see what happens.

[Jordana Abraham]

Right. Or if you kind of, like, are leaning no, you might write open because it would increase your matches.

[Jared Freid]

Right. And that's the thing. Men are way sluttier on the apps.

[Jordana Abraham]

Right.

[Jared Freid]

Women are, you know, we are swiping. Right. I just told you. Is she hot?

[Jordana Abraham]

The penis does the picking, as you've always said.

[Jared Freid]

Does the picking, the penis does. The march is coming soon.

[Jordana Abraham]

So, yeah, if I Were her, I would go out with those guys. I would have the conversation pretty early. Since it sounds like it's a pretty serious thing topic for her. It's very important to her. I would get into that early as you want. Yeah.

[Jared Freid]

Even over the app. Hey.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yeah.

[Jared Freid]

I'm just letting you know my profile that isn't like a mistake.

[Jordana Abraham]

My big ass thumb didn't press the wrong right.

[Jared Freid]

My Shrek. I just think, you know, should you be open what she's afraid of. And I get it. You're six months in with a guy and he's got this break in case of emergency thing up on the wall.

[Jordana Abraham]

I was open and now I want them.

[Jared Freid]

Right. And it's the excuse he can always use to like get out of it. And it's like, listen, that's up to you. You're. You're an adult woman. You're 36. You know this is something you want. So you should. Knowing something makes it so you waste your life, waste less of your time. So that's the only right.

[Jordana Abraham]

Well, the way to avoid that is to have that conversation consistently and early.

[Jared Freid]

Right. Right.

[Jordana Abraham]

Because if you. Because if you're like if you just take the open to kids thing and then you never talk about it six months in, it could be thrown at you. But if you're kind of like consistently sort of re emphasizing that throughout your. Throughout your dating, that's less likely to happen. I think that if you're 36 and you're dating, that's something you should be comfortable doing.

[Jared Freid]

Totally. Let's do another email.

[Jordana Abraham]

Let's do it.

[Jared Freid]

UUP betches.com keep sending them in. We're going to do an icky or picky. This is a great game. You're turned off by something. You're wondering if you're just being too picky or if it's an actual ick. And we'll tell you.

[Jordana Abraham]

Let's do it.

[Jared Freid]

J and J. I'm writing in this icky or picky on behalf of one of my friends who recently started dating someone new. 31, male, for some background. He is a chef at a higher end restaurant. She has told me that he has previously cooked dinner for her and said he was an excellent cook. Despite this, he almost exclusively eats PB and js. It's like a Seinfeld episode. Like the masseuse that won't massage him.

[Jordana Abraham]

That doesn't want to touch anyone.

[Jared Freid]

Yeah. She has said that he will eat multiple PB and JS for both breakfast and lunch. He also will eat Some protein bars. And for dinner at most, he will cook chicken, rice. And to be clear, this is a daily occurrence from what she has told me. Screenshots for proof provided below. So what do you think? Icky or picky? Almost exclusively eats PB and js. Thanks for all you do. So we have a screenshot, which we love.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yes.

[Jared Freid]

I'll be him, you be her. Ready?

[Jordana Abraham]

Okay.

[Jared Freid]

Three cookies, a protein shake, and a PB&J for breakfast. Two apples too. Two PB&Js and an apple for lunch.

[Jordana Abraham]

You need to eat something other than PB and J. Crying, smiley face. Crying, laughing, smiley face.

[Jared Freid]

Man, these emojis are the biggest lies in the world.

[Jordana Abraham]

I know.

[Jared Freid]

No, she's got her. Like, I read that as like, you need to eat something other than J. Not. I'm writing into a podcast to see if I should dump his ass.

[Jordana Abraham]

Right. I agree.

[Jared Freid]

He writes, ha. Never.

[Jordana Abraham]

It's actually not really that good for you though. It's basically fat and sugar. You are lacking protein by eating that.

[Jared Freid]

And Yes, I know. Haha. I just need something midday for a snack. Should I try a few protein bars? What do you think? Icky or picky? What do you think of this conversation?

[Jordana Abraham]

I think she's being kind of annoying.

[Jared Freid]

Oh, I would dump her immediately.

[Jordana Abraham]

Right?

[Jared Freid]

Yeah.

[Jordana Abraham]

That's like, rude. Here's the thing. I could totally understand if I'm a chef, I'm eating like, fancy, full gourmet, probably like, highly caloric meals. Whenever I'm at work, I'm tasting, I'm trying the menu. I'm doing all that. I could totally see wanting to come home and be like, I want something extremely simple, that's no frills, that's like, just gets me through the day because eating is a part of my job. So I don't want to come home and, like, do it.

[Jared Freid]

And it keeps me satiated. Like, yeah, I would actually.

[Jordana Abraham]

Apples are healthy.

[Jared Freid]

Apples. Peanut butter.

[Jordana Abraham]

Like, peanut butter's. Yeah. Protein.

[Jared Freid]

What she's writing. I'd love to consult Alex Turoff, the nutritionist to the podcast.

[Jordana Abraham]

I mean, that's what you would give a kid for lunch, so I would assume it has a decent amount of nutrition in it.

[Jared Freid]

Right. Her. Her doubting, like, who is she? Rfk.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yeah, he said protein shake.

[Jared Freid]

Yeah. And. And like, for her to say like, a PB and J is like, not good for you. Like, it seems like a pretty basic. And like, you just said, like, packing a kid's lunch, like, that's a great point because it's like, I I think of that as, like, a totally great snack for someone who does a physical job. He has a stand on your feet, moving, sweating job.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yes. Like, and don't you agree he's probably, like, eating.

[Jared Freid]

Yes.

[Jordana Abraham]

High culinary foods that are, like, not PB and J. All evening.

[Jared Freid]

Every day at restaurants, they do, like, the group dinner.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yeah.

[Jared Freid]

Like, they eat what's gonna be cooked that night. There's, like, a dinner for the people that work in the kitchen.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yeah.

[Jared Freid]

And I'll say this like, as someone else who's in the physical. My job is somewhat physical. To go on stage at night. My rider has protein bars on it. A PB and J would actually, like, be a good thing for me.

[Jordana Abraham]

Maybe you should edit it.

[Jared Freid]

I think I might edit it because a PB and J, like, as someone who's on their feet for an hour and, like, not looking to, like, have diarrhea and myself, that's, like, a very, like, fiber. I would. I'm not gonna be her because what she did, she turned into a nutritionist. Yeah. And got pretty judgy. When he's, like. All he's doing is being like, yeah, they had a couple cookies and.

[Jordana Abraham]

Right.

[Jared Freid]

My PB&J and my protein bar and ready for work. Like, he's being so, like.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yeah, he's being so, like, enthusiastic.

[Jared Freid]

Yeah. He's, like, trying to go along with it. I've been on those texts where you're like, this is what I do. Yeah, this is. This is, like, my thing. And then you can tell, like, the.

[Jordana Abraham]

Person'S trying to get you to, like, change Right. Before they even know you.

[Jared Freid]

Right. And. And get. And trying to, like, disagree with, like, this thing that, like, this ain't gonna change. Like, this is kind of like, what I do.

[Jordana Abraham]

Right.

[Jared Freid]

And I think if I were a.

[Jordana Abraham]

Chef, this would be my lunch every day, too.

[Jared Freid]

Yeah. I'm with you. I'm ecked out by her Same.

[Jordana Abraham]

I think she's the deal breaker.

[Jared Freid]

Right. Well, it is a friend that wrote in for.

[Jordana Abraham]

Right.

[Jared Freid]

But PB and J's every day. And also, he's not making hurry to do. He's not sitting down for dinner with her and being like, I'm doing PB yourself.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yeah.

[Jared Freid]

This isn't like a date where he orders a PB and J.

[Jordana Abraham]

No, I could agree. I mean, I'm thinking about, like, when I'm on my honeymoon, which was two weeks.

[Jared Freid]

Yeah.

[Jordana Abraham]

And every meal is, like, the nicest meal of your life. Towards the end, I was like, I just want some chicken.

[Jared Freid]

Right.

[Jordana Abraham]

And some vegetables. Cuz like I don't want to keep do it. This is like too decadent, right? I just want something simple. I'm done. I want to be hungry.

[Jared Freid]

I'm with you. I get it.

[Jordana Abraham]

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[Jared Freid]

Let's do another email.

[Jordana Abraham]

Let's do it.

[Jared Freid]

You up betches.com uupetches.com also subscribe to you up with benefits. And, oh, go on YouTube. We have extra videos there. We're doing extras.

[Jordana Abraham]

There's more stuff there's on YouTube. Go see it. Subscribe.

[Jared Freid]

Right.

[Jordana Abraham]

So you don't miss it.

[Jared Freid]

We took video outside of the studio for you.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yes. We left our comfort zone.

[Jared Freid]

Right.

[Jordana Abraham]

Our binky of these four walls.

[Jared Freid]

Let's do another.

[Jordana Abraham]

All right. Is this me or. It was me.

[Jared Freid]

It's you.

[Jordana Abraham]

Hi.

[Jared Freid]

The long ones.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yes. You know I did my homework in school, right?

[Jared Freid]

This is. They give the long ones to the Ivy League students.

[Jordana Abraham]

Embarrassingly, I used to get on. I used to get, like, really high marks on class participation.

[Jared Freid]

You were like, hand up.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yeah, Mike always calls me a loser for that, but I. I was like, always, like, part, like volunteering.

[Jared Freid]

Is the answer to this question the answer to this? Like, I was the answer.

[Jordana Abraham]

I know the answer. Yeah, I know the answer. You and Mike, really?

[Jared Freid]

We were in the back smoking cigs, being cool.

[Jordana Abraham]

Hi. You up, team? I finally confessed feelings I'd been holding for two years about a guy in my friend group. We've always been. Good job.

[Jared Freid]

This is.

[Jordana Abraham]

This is like what we. We had suggested last week.

[Jared Freid]

Oh, is this what we suggested?

[Jordana Abraham]

Remember, she lived with her. The woman who lived with her crush.

[Jared Freid]

We came out with her feelings. We said, get away from the apartment. Here. Here's the thing. I'm sure it all worked out. I haven't said I'm sure. This email is to let us know exactly that it's. That they're together forever and just wanted to let us know that we gave her the confidence.

[Jordana Abraham]

It's the woman from last week. She took your advice.

[Jared Freid]

It's a week later, and now here we are. So, yes, we would love to come to the wedding.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yes, I finally confess feelings I've been holding for two years about a guy in my friend group. We'd always been just friends. But after we went to a wedding together, two separate friends asked if we were seeing each other. It made me realize my crush wasn't totally in my head.

[Jared Freid]

This is some. This is. This is some really annoying. I guess.

[Jordana Abraham]

You weren't one of those friends.

[Jared Freid]

No, I'm not putting my name on that. It's like, I don't know you. I had a friend once that was like, we should tell so and so to move to Manhattan. They would love it. And I'm like, I ain't doing that. I'm not being the responsible.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yeah.

[Jared Freid]

I'm not putting that on my.

[Jordana Abraham]

But you said, okay.

[Jared Freid]

Yeah.

[Jordana Abraham]

I didn't get the chance to tell him during the wedding weekend, so I asked him to meet up back in New York. We spent an hour and a half talking so easily about life, our upbringings, the wedding. We just were. It felt natural and deeper than we'd ever gone before. On the way to the train, I gathered the courage to say that I thought we were really compatible and it would be a shame not to give it a shot. He looked shocked. Then he spent 20 minutes telling me how he wasn't ready, that past relationships failed because he got into them before he was in the right place, that his life isn't as together as it looks. And then he's just starting to get into the mindset of settling down. You know what I say? You tell three lies. They're all lies.

[Jared Freid]

Right? Right.

[Jordana Abraham]

You gotta tell one lie.

[Jared Freid]

One lie.

[Jordana Abraham]

It's the way to go if you're gonna lie.

[Jared Freid]

This guy. Okay. No, no, no, I can't.

[Jordana Abraham]

I got.

[Jared Freid]

I got. I got prom coming up. My.

[Jordana Abraham]

My mom keeps asking me intramural basketball.

[Jared Freid]

I got peanut butter and jelly sandwiches to make. Yeah, too many.

[Jordana Abraham]

Too many excuses. He went down the wrong hole.

[Jared Freid]

Yeah.

[Jordana Abraham]

He told me not to wait for him.

[Jared Freid]

We're so mean. We are mean. But you're at a train station. What is this don't wait for me all about? Don't wait for me, kid?

[Jordana Abraham]

Oh, my God. He even mentioned not wanting to risk making the friend group awkward if things didn't work out. He's throwing in another one.

[Jared Freid]

Yeah, the friend group.

[Jordana Abraham]

I tried to reason with him. Oh, my God.

[Jared Freid]

No.

[Jordana Abraham]

He's devolving.

[Jared Freid]

Yeah. No, no, no. But we could be together, and then we wouldn't have to date anymore. And I'm not trying to make you get a job.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yeah, I tried to reason with him, but he kept circling back to the same points. I eventually stepped off the train and Said we could talk more later. He was like, great. Can't wait to revisit this conversation.

[Jared Freid]

Yeah, I'll talk to you. Yeah. Or your text later.

[Jordana Abraham]

Since then, I saw him once at a friend's birthday dinner, but neither of us brought it up. It's been a week of silence on his end. I really wanted this to work out. I was brave enough to tell him, and now it feels like all I got back was silence.

[Jared Freid]

Well, two things can be true at once. You are brave for telling.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yes. I think she did the right thing.

[Jared Freid]

You did it. You got it out of you.

[Jordana Abraham]

Sorry for laughing at you.

[Jared Freid]

We laughed at you. This should be like, we're laughing because we understand it. Like, I, I, I'm happy for her because, like, now she's not doing a year of this, Right? Let's look at the positive.

[Jordana Abraham]

She can let it go.

[Jared Freid]

She can let it go. She saw his reaction. His reaction was not positive. You know, like, you know, listen, there were three options. You. And that's my other part that I'm like, she needs the.

[Jordana Abraham]

This is a win, even if she doesn't realize it. It's not the ultimate win, but it is a win.

[Jared Freid]

But there wasn't one option. There wasn't. Once I tell him, we'll be together forever.

[Jordana Abraham]

Right.

[Jared Freid]

It was, I'm gonna tell him, and then he is gonna tell me his feelings, and we're either gonna be together, give it a shot, or we're on the same page.

[Jordana Abraham]

Right. I think it's the letter and.

[Jared Freid]

Right. And she's saying. And feels like all I got back was silence.

[Jordana Abraham]

That's an answer.

[Jared Freid]

That's a. That's a. That's an answer that's like, I'm sorry. Like, it sucks, but also, it doesn't suck. Like, there's too many. There's so many ways to look at this. She's only looking at the negative, which I would, too. There is a beautiful thing to not wasting your time on this anymore.

[Jordana Abraham]

Right. Well, her issue now, it seems like, is that she wanted him to cut off her head and say, I don't like you. I don't see you that way. He's not going to say that, especially not to her face. So he's saying it's the timing. I don't want to make the friend group awkward. It's a little, you know, I've got all this stuff going on, all of that to say.

[Jared Freid]

She got a lot of flesh wounds. He never chopped off the head.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yes. She needs her head shot. We're going to Chop off your head for you.

[Jared Freid]

He's not going to date you.

[Jordana Abraham]

He's never going to date you. You need to move on. It's good that you said something because now it's. Now you don't have to always have a wonder. Should I have said something? Is he interested? You asked. He's not.

[Jared Freid]

Right. And he said a lot of things that were like half nose. So you're like, that's why you tried to reason with them. You're like, no, I'm not looking for anything serious now. And it's like, no. The great Maya Angelou once said, if they.

[Jordana Abraham]

Someone tells you who they are.

[Jared Freid]

If someone says.

[Jordana Abraham]

My life isn't as.

[Jared Freid]

Together as a life isn't as together as it seems. Believe him, you know, that is. And here's the thing. The reason he went into this, like, whole spewing is like he got caught. Like, let's. On the spectrum of answers. Okay. That I would give.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yeah.

[Jared Freid]

I'm either shocked because I didn't see you as a sexual option. I don't think that's what happened. Or I've been caught with my hand in the cookie jar flirting with someone that I never wanted a future with.

[Jordana Abraham]

Okay.

[Jared Freid]

And I think that's more likely what's going on. That's why he goes in. I'm not ready. He knows he's been flirting. He knows you guys had a fun time at the wedding. He knows this makes perfect sense. You're two young, good looking people who are single, who get along. All that's missing is a little P and the V. And he's like, if I do that, I will not be with her forever. And it will cause all of these other things in my life to go badly. So I'm making a calculated decision. The math doesn't work for me. And that's like the hardest part for her because she knows that too. That's why she's writing into us, right? She's asking us. He knows. I'm not an idiot. I'm not delusional. We were flirting. We had something. And when she mentioned it, and she was brave, as I agree, she was. That's like the lights going on in the prison as someone's trying to escape. Because he's like, oh, I gotta. Oh my God, I gotta start life now. That's what he's thinking, right?

[Jordana Abraham]

And brave doesn't mean you get what you want, Right. Brave means you get an answer.

[Jared Freid]

Right. You shot your shot. Missed.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yeah. Try again. Different guy.

[Jared Freid]

Try again. I. I think also, like, not with this guy.

[Jordana Abraham]

Try again. Different guy.

[Jared Freid]

Right. And I do think, like, for your sake, how would I handle this? Like, in a perfect world, in a world where I was brave again, I'm not as brave as you, so I don't. I probably wouldn't do this, but, like, you kind of need to, like, back it up with another text. I think if you want this friend group to, like, exist as it was. Hey, I'm happy I told you how I felt. I'm gonna need a couple weeks to, like, readjust my bearings here. I hope you can understand that, like, talking in the beginning might be a little off, but I do care about you as a friend. I'm gonna. I'm a little wounded, but I'll be okay.

[Jordana Abraham]

Right.

[Jared Freid]

But I need you to, like, know that, like, I'm gonna take a minute from us. But also, I think you're great, and I hope we can maybe be friends again as we were. I think that would help her out.

[Jordana Abraham]

Right. Because then that clears the air.

[Jared Freid]

Right.

[Jordana Abraham]

And also tells him that you have accepted his answer.

[Jared Freid]

Right. Because he's avoiding you right now because he's afraid he's going to have to dump you again.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yes.

[Jared Freid]

And that's the worst, because he had.

[Jordana Abraham]

To dump her a few times on the train.

[Jared Freid]

Right. And then finally your stop came, and you were like, we'll talk about this later. He's like, I'll never talk to her again.

[Jordana Abraham]

Right. Because she said, we'll talk about this later. She didn't say, like, okay, well, thanks for, like, letting me know.

[Jared Freid]

Right.

[Jordana Abraham]

Which is what she needed to do to close the loop.

[Jared Freid]

Right. He was like, right. Thank God for the seven train.

[Jordana Abraham]

Right.

[Jared Freid]

And then he skipped home and masturbated to someone else.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yeah.

[Jared Freid]

So.

[Jordana Abraham]

Oh, okay. But no, you did a good job again, this is a success. Even if it didn't. There's multiple forms of success. This is one of.

[Jared Freid]

This is advice we'd give someone, like, now, you know.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yes. And I would respond the same way as him in the moment. If someone said that to me to my face, I.

[Jared Freid]

It's a little bit of him on the train.

[Jordana Abraham]

It's a little bit of a, like, obviously cowardly move to not just, like, tell the. The truth truth, but, like, if someone is on your. Sitting on a train with you, you cannot go anywhere. And if a man confessed his love to me, I think I would do the same thing. Excuse City.

[Jared Freid]

Yeah. Are you kidding me? I'm taking a tour bus around Excuse City. Yeah. If a friend said to me, what are you doing next Tuesday. I'm like, I don't know, I got things going on you. Well, I'll get back to you.

[Jordana Abraham]

To your face.

[Jared Freid]

Yeah, face. I gotta look at you.

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[Jared Freid]

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[Jordana Abraham]

Let's play some games.

[Jared Freid]

Yes, let's play some games. Uuppettgers.com Red Flagger deal breaker. You're dating someone, one thing happens. Is it a red flag? You see it and move on? Or is it a deal breaker? You end it right away. You ready?

[Jordana Abraham]

Great.

[Jared Freid]

Love the pod. Thank you for making me smile my long commutes. I have a red flag or deal breaker for you. I agreed to a second date of a baseball game. Who doesn't love a game? Would you go to a second date of a baseball game?

[Jordana Abraham]

I would because I wouldn't be comfortable enough to Be like, I don't really like sports. I would go to anything on a second date if I really like the person.

[Jared Freid]

Right. I think second day baseball's. Baseball's great for a date.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yeah. You can talk, it's quiet.

[Jared Freid]

It's like there's something going on. You talk about the game. If things get lull.

[Jordana Abraham]

It is a long.

[Jared Freid]

It's a long day. Yeah.

[Jordana Abraham]

And you're tr. Especially in New York. We're like, we're going to the Bronx together.

[Jared Freid]

Far away. Yeah.

[Jordana Abraham]

That's a commitment.

[Jared Freid]

There's some cities where this works better than others. There was no plan for food, so I asked to meet at the train early enough to grab something outside of the stadium to carry in. Much more cost efficient.

[Jordana Abraham]

Cheap.

[Jared Freid]

I mean, how would you feel on a second baseball date and a guy shows up with PB and J's in his pocket to sneak into the stadium?

[Jordana Abraham]

Yeah. It's not. Not hot. No one. I'd rather get dinner before at a pizza place.

[Jared Freid]

Right.

[Jordana Abraham]

I'm cool with that.

[Jared Freid]

The stadium is full of food.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yes. But I'm saying like, let's say, let's say he is like on a budget.

[Jared Freid]

Yeah.

[Jordana Abraham]

I think there's ways. That's the thing about like, dates don't have to be expensive. They just have to be like, presented in a non cheap feeling way. Like the Groupon date from last thing. It's like, I'd rather you buy me a slice of pizza than pull. Than use a Groupon for an expensive meal.

[Jared Freid]

There was a, I think, was there a Chappelle show sketch about this or some. There was a show where they did a sketch where it's like, I'm gonna take someone out for A$50. And like you could do that.

[Jordana Abraham]

You could. And saying, I'd rather someone buy me something that's very cheap than like show their cheapness on something. Like if you could do a 10.

[Jared Freid]

Hour date and make it.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yes.

[Jared Freid]

Really romantic and fun.

[Jordana Abraham]

Totally.

[Jared Freid]

And that's why the people that like are like Venmo me for half the date. They're frauds.

[Jordana Abraham]

They suck.

[Jared Freid]

Yeah, they're frauds because you. If they really care to show you a great time and impress you, they could have taken you on a walk in Central park, stop for a couple of waters or coffees and. And then sit on a bench and that's 10 bucks.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yeah.

[Jared Freid]

And they didn't do that. They opted for big old martinis at the big bar to make themselves look like they were hot to try and get blown that night.

[Jordana Abraham]

Right.

[Jared Freid]

And Then it didn't get that's on them. And they go, Hey, 50 bucks, please.

[Jordana Abraham]

That's on them.

[Jared Freid]

That's an I agree.

[Jordana Abraham]

So, yeah, that's why I'm saying like this guy could have been like, let's grab some pizza before the game.

[Jared Freid]

Right?

[Jordana Abraham]

He didn't want to pay for the overpriced. There. Fine. Obviously that's like. But I'm saying there's a way to like maneuver that you don't want to pay for that without, say without totally.

[Jared Freid]

If you care enough.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yes.

[Jared Freid]

He stated that he could only meet one hour before the game, but gave no reason. We head into the stadium a bit late because of train situations, but before first pitch, it felt as if he was in a hurry to get to our seats high up. So I did not feel I could get anything on the main level. We got up to the top and I asked if he minded I get something. He said, no. So I grabbed two waters and a hot dog and we hurried to our seat. I'm not gonna lie, one plain hot dog just doesn't cut it for me for dinner. But I wanted to be polite until I knew what he was going to do about food. During the second inning, he looked over and said, did you eat before? Did you eat your hot dog already? Boy, you really took down that dog.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yeah, that's an annoying comment. You finished that whole thing already.

[Jared Freid]

You ate it. Yeah, I hate any. Anyone who makes a comment on how quickly I ate. Yeah, annoyed.

[Jordana Abraham]

Agreed.

[Jared Freid]

I answered, yes, I was pretty hungry. He then pulled a large sandwich from a pouch he had been carrying. I paused and said, oh, you brought food? Yup, he said from a local Greek spot with good food.

[Jordana Abraham]

Oh my God, this guy.

[Jared Freid]

Looking over, I noticed he had brought two sandwiches. To be fair, I knew that he was vegan and would have had no issues with the sandwiches if I had known to grab food in advance. Or even if he had said as we were walking in so that I could have gotten something before the game. At this point, I went down five flights to the main concourse and waited in line. I got back up at the end of an inning when where we scored several runs. He said, you missed a good inning.

[Jordana Abraham]

Oh my God.

[Jared Freid]

So red flagger, deal breaker your day. Brings his own food and not only doesn't tell you he's bringing it, but never asked in advance if you'd like him to pick you up something as well. Signed an Eat not eat to eat batch. What do you think?

[Jordana Abraham]

This is very icky. All of it. It's the bringing your own food.

[Jared Freid]

Right.

[Jordana Abraham]

The not. If you're going to bring your own food. I'm at the Greek place. What can I. What can I get you? Here's the menu.

[Jared Freid]

What do you.

[Jordana Abraham]

What do you want?

[Jared Freid]

You know what's interesting about this? They're a match.

[Jordana Abraham]

You think?

[Jared Freid]

She is literally talking about bringing food into the stadium herself and how she would have done it. And it is cost effective. They're kind of on the same page.

[Jordana Abraham]

And.

[Jared Freid]

And he was too embarrassed.

[Jordana Abraham]

But she asked him to get food with her. That's the difference.

[Jared Freid]

The difference is he couldn't trust that she was trying to be as cost effective as him. He doesn't trust women. Like, I'm saying this as a feminist, so. No, but he looks at her as like, oh, she's going on a date to get every buck out of me that I can, and I don't want to look cheap. So instead he took the long way, which makes him even look.

[Jordana Abraham]

He looks the cheapest, right? This is the cheapest thing you could possibly. You're getting your own food from outside the stadium. You're not bringing any for the person you're with. If, like, if anyone, If a friend did that, I'd be like, right.

[Jared Freid]

What's going on?

[Jordana Abraham]

Weird, right? If my sibling did that, I'd be like, you didn't want to ask me if I wanted anything.

[Jared Freid]

But that's your friend and sibling. That, like, they wouldn't, you know, they wouldn't do that. They're not afraid of losing you as a friend or sibling. This guy really do think. This guy, like, if he really, like, I think he thinks dating is a win loss scenario. Like, there. There are some people operating that way where their, their ego is so involved that, like, they keep you in the dark as, like a test. Like, he brought the sandwiches because that's what he does. And he didn't include her because he didn't trust her to be like, oh, that's a good idea. That's so much better than spending all that money at the stadium. Like, in his mind, right? He was going to get judged no matter what. So he's like, I'll do it my way. It's stupid.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yeah, this would be a deal breaker for me, I think. And no acknowledgment of that. Or like, honestly, let's say he did that. But then he was like, oh, like, I'm really sorry. I totally forgot to ask you what you want.

[Jared Freid]

Right.

[Jordana Abraham]

I could even probably get by with that.

[Jared Freid]

Right. He's not apologizing here.

[Jordana Abraham]

Do you want one of my two sandwiches? It is ballsy to eat two. It is ballsy to eat two sandwiches in front of someone and not offer them one.

[Jared Freid]

Right?

[Jordana Abraham]

Don't you think?

[Jared Freid]

I do think. I think that. And also, like, him being vegan kind of plays into this too. I think vegans are kind of like this sometimes.

[Jordana Abraham]

I could see that.

[Jared Freid]

Like, where? It's like they're looking out for number one. Looking out for me and the animals.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yeah, just them and the animals.

[Jared Freid]

Animals matter more than the person they're on the date with.

[Jordana Abraham]

Indeed.

[Jared Freid]

So let's do another.

[Jordana Abraham]

Okay. Hey, jj, Male listener here. I'm writing it. Dudes, dudes, dudes, dudes. I'm writing in about some potentially shady behavior on my girlfriend's part. I'm 28 and she's 25.

[Jared Freid]

Okay.

[Jordana Abraham]

We've been dating about eight months and things have been going good.

[Jared Freid]

Full cortexes.

[Jordana Abraham]

Well, until now. We were recently out at a bar with a group of her friends and it came out that she has a Finsta. After I was told what that is, I laughed it off in the moment, but when I brought it up the next day, she got defensive and wouldn't really explain anything. She won't let me follow it or see anything on it. She claims she hasn't posted since 2022, but says it's embarrassing and has pictures of her ex and doesn't want to show me. That's weird. There's a solution for that. It has 46 followers, but none of none are her friends that I'm also following. I brought it up to my buddy and his girlfriend and she thinks it's either an account to follow her exes or that it could be an only fans related, which I'm quite certain it's not.

[Jared Freid]

It's an option. Option.

[Jordana Abraham]

I really like her, but this is confusing me a lot. So what do you guys think? Red flagger, Deal breaker. Your girlfriend has a secret finsta that she won't let me see. Sincerely feeling Finsta fooled or just paranoid? And by the way, a Finsta is a fake Instagram account that people use to post more private, personal or funny content for a close group of friends.

[Jared Freid]

I thought the Finsta era had like, gone by, but I guess I never had one.

[Jordana Abraham]

But I feel like I knew people who had them. It did seem like a stalking device, like, or something that you would, I think a generation below us would use to like hide stuff from their parents.

[Jared Freid]

Right. Like you want an Instagram account, right?

[Jordana Abraham]

But you don't want Your mom to see you posting really stupid shit and she follows you because you're like 16.

[Jared Freid]

Right. And then, and then you grew up and it became your secondary account to look at people.

[Jordana Abraham]

Right. To start to like kind of look at people you don't want to see.

[Jared Freid]

See you looking at their profile stories.

[Jordana Abraham]

Sure.

[Jared Freid]

From people that they could see a name and they wouldn't recognize.

[Jordana Abraham]

And she's 25. That kind of like hits for me.

[Jared Freid]

Yeah.

[Jordana Abraham]

I could see it being kind of embarrassing. It's a little weird. I'm trying to think if it's weird she wouldn't show him. I could see where it's like this is not really like my best look as a partner.

[Jared Freid]

Right. Is it weird that she would have pictures of her with an X? But I guess maybe not if considering the high school version.

[Jordana Abraham]

Right.

[Jared Freid]

You use that to put up pictures of you and a boyfriend that you don't want your mom seeing.

[Jordana Abraham]

Right.

[Jared Freid]

So I guess I can make sense of that.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yeah. I think if she's had it for a while, I don't think it's so weird that she has it or that it has some embarrassing content. I could see like friends of mine having this where you're like, I don't really want my now 28 year old boyfriend seeing something that I kind of was like around with when I was 21.

[Jared Freid]

Right. But I would also say like, you know, if a guy had this and.

[Jordana Abraham]

She does say it's embarrassing, that's kind of why I don't want to show you.

[Jared Freid]

Well, that to me is like more telling of whether she's ready for like a serious adult relationship. Also true, you know, like I, you know, women are ready from the minute they're born to be married and they'll tell themselves that. But like this sounds like a woman who might be like ready to be 25 and not ready to be with in a serious long term thing.

[Jordana Abraham]

Right.

[Jared Freid]

Like if you can't even like look at your partner and go, yeah, it's so embarrassing. And then show them.

[Jordana Abraham]

Right.

[Jared Freid]

Like to me that's like the fun of being in a couple.

[Jordana Abraham]

Right.

[Jared Freid]

Showing your embarrassing to me it's like.

[Jordana Abraham]

That'S why it's not a serious relationship because she's kind of like not trying to show him that part of herself which is probably like a little ridiculous and a little petty. She's trying to put forth a version of herself that's like me with my slightly older boyfriend.

[Jared Freid]

Right. And it's also. That's her.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yeah.

[Jared Freid]

Like that's her personality. That's her like the, you know, the, the icky part of her that makes her her. And she's not showing her 28 year old boyfriend. Yeah, that version. So yeah, this is probably like, you know, he, this guy's concern is not unwarranted.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yeah, I don't think it's an only fans.

[Jared Freid]

I don't think so.

[Jordana Abraham]

I do think she uses it for stalking, but I don't think it's like serious. I think it's like anyone else would. I think it's like, I think it's cute and it's funny if you're 25 and under. If she was like 32 and had this, I'd be a little more concerned. And it depends what he's looking for.

[Jared Freid]

Listen, if I started dating someone who's 35 years old and they're like, I have the secondary account that I use to look at other people and I'd be like, who do you look at? And then they showed me who they looked at and it became a joke that we could like share in and I could go, oh, that's the fence to where she like looks at an X. And I get that.

[Jordana Abraham]

Right?

[Jared Freid]

That's a totally reasonable thing. If I was like, what's on the fence? And they're like, nothing. Right. I'd be like, I'm not comfortable with that.

[Jordana Abraham]

Well, now it's like you're her dad, right?

[Jared Freid]

And it's like now I'm like, I'm on the outside of this joke. Like, and again, like I would take that as someone who's not mature enough to like own who they are.

[Jordana Abraham]

So would you break up with them?

[Jared Freid]

Also, if a man had this, an account that you're not allowed to see that they follow a bunch of like titty models from.

[Jordana Abraham]

Well, that's different. That's sexual in nature.

[Jared Freid]

I'd say some of this is sexual. Maybe I would say her following exes is her like.

[Jordana Abraham]

Right.

[Jared Freid]

Well, she's emotionally masturbating.

[Jordana Abraham]

She hasn't posted since 20. 22. 20. So since she was, since she was 22 years old.

[Jared Freid]

Sure.

[Jordana Abraham]

She hasn't posted on it.

[Jared Freid]

I, I mean posted is different, right? You can no. Post and use it.

[Jordana Abraham]

Right? No, but I agree those like sort of stupid, like kind of embarrassing things that you wouldn't want someone to see. Like for instance, your. If I was like to you, what was your. If we were dating and I was like, what was your screen name?

[Jared Freid]

I knew you were going to say this.

[Jordana Abraham]

I think that's, I think it's a good one. Cuz you're like. If you were like, ah, it's not. I'm not going to tell.

[Jared Freid]

Don't worry about it. You'd be like, well, that's like who you were growing up. That's who you. At some point you thought that was, like, worth saying to.

[Jordana Abraham]

It was like when I discovered Mike's Twitter account and he had two tweets and one of them was about how. How much better McDonald's is than burger King. And I was like, this feels very unlike you.

[Jared Freid]

Right?

[Jordana Abraham]

Like a little wacky.

[Jared Freid]

And what did he say?

[Jordana Abraham]

I made fun of it for, like, probably like the next six.

[Jared Freid]

You should get that framed and put it up in his office. That's a really funny gift. I think that'd be so funny.

[Jordana Abraham]

It would be pretty funny.

[Jared Freid]

I think you got to get that frame.

[Jordana Abraham]

I hope he still has the tweet. He didn't delete it.

[Jared Freid]

We'll find it.

[Jordana Abraham]

We'll find it. But that was. That was sort of one of those moments for me where I was like, this doesn't seem like something you would say now, but it was like a joke.

[Jared Freid]

And that's how you got to, like, learn about him. Like, that's. You know, we live in a world and maybe this is part of it where, and, you know, apologies are seen as weakness and as seen as, like, you've been cast out. Like, like, like if someone, like, has old tweets come up, right. We cancel them. Quote, unquote.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yes.

[Jared Freid]

But I don't believe anyone really gets canceled. But, like, now people have this thing where they can cast you out and you're not allowed to have an opinion on anything anymore, and you can always be cut at the knees. Well, you tweeted this once, so you're a loser who can't judge anyone else. And I think she's from this era. Like, her age kind of like mirrors the right. The world of She's a judge. Faults.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yeah.

[Jared Freid]

If you admit faults, then that can be used against you. So never say you're wrong. So she's like, I'm not going to show him any of this because I don't want it ever to be used against me.

[Jordana Abraham]

Right.

[Jared Freid]

I live in a world where we grew up, we evolve. I had. And it's fun to hear. I thought McDonald's was better than Burger King. And I thought maybe the world needed to know. The world needed to know. And maybe you'll get retweeted and maybe I'll be. Be the next. You know. You know like, that is cute and fun and also takes a little bit of maturity to go, yeah, I can't believe I thought that then, you know, like. I mean.

[Jordana Abraham]

No, I agree. It definitely. It's a little vulnerable.

[Jared Freid]

Yeah.

[Jordana Abraham]

And I think that's the thing. And I think he wants to try to salvage it, the relationship. I don't want to break up with someone over this, but I think I would say, like, listen, like, I'm okay that you. This is probably really stupid, but I think we should see it. It'll probably let me know a little bit about more about who you are. I don't care if it's not something that you would post today or is kind of stupid. Like that's part of who you are. I don't care. I think it's weirder that you're trying to hide it. I'd rather just see it and I can make fun of you for it and we can like move on with our day.

[Jared Freid]

And he listens to this podcast, which I think I've met the listeners. Not to like pat ourselves in the back, but like reasonable. Reasonable and thoughtful. So I think that makes him probably someone that would have fun with this.

[Jordana Abraham]

Agreed.

[Jared Freid]

So let's do one more. Red flagger. Deal breaker. Long time. First time I'm seeking advice about a guy I'm seeing, someone I'm considering as a potential boyfriend. I've noticed that he publicly follows softcore pornographic accounts on social media. Example, the account features a woman with very large breasts posing in otherwise normal photos, but her cleavage is prominently. This. Did you look at. No. Can I look at it?

[Jordana Abraham]

I looked at it yesterday. You can look at it.

[Jared Freid]

Let me look at it now. 1.7 million followers. Is.

[Jordana Abraham]

That was important. That was. That was. Part of me was like. I could just read the description, but then I went to the thing and I was like, no, this. There's important things to be learned from this.

[Jared Freid]

Right. And those are some titties. Wow.

[Jordana Abraham]

I don't know if I would call this softcore porn. Would you?

[Jared Freid]

I would. The goal of her entertainment is pornographic.

[Jordana Abraham]

She has some non breasty pictures. She has.

[Jared Freid]

Yeah. But this is like. I mean, this feels like it's like a version of porn. That's like realistic porn.

[Jordana Abraham]

Like Victoria's Secret catalog.

[Jared Freid]

Yeah, yeah.

[Jordana Abraham]

Back in the day.

[Jared Freid]

This is very. Catalog. Yeah. She's also a very certain type.

[Jordana Abraham]

She's not wearing like lingerie though. I've seen like more account accounts that I would consider more softcore porn than this one.

[Jared Freid]

Well, I would say this like lands in the like. I agree with you. There are some that are just like, like tits and ass.

[Jordana Abraham]

Right. Or it's like clearly for men.

[Jared Freid]

Right? And it's yeehaw, have a beer and look at them titties. And this is almost in a different way. Like you're being shown what he really like, drools over.

[Jordana Abraham]

More realistic.

[Jared Freid]

Right?

[Jordana Abraham]

Because like this picture, we're not going to show it, but is like in front of like a build it like a, like a scenic.

[Jared Freid]

But this is like a version of porn. Like there's like a there. There is like, like the amateur.

[Jordana Abraham]

I could meet her born. It's not like just in the bedroom.

[Jared Freid]

Right. This is kind of like. I mean, there's 1.7 million followers. I don't follow her, but I see why someone would. And it's not because they're interested in her poetry.

[Jordana Abraham]

Right.

[Jared Freid]

So it's like. And she is posting the most normal thing, but like, well, that's why I know normal becomes a kink if you look at it a certain way.

[Jordana Abraham]

I've seen weirder. Yeah.

[Jared Freid]

To me, I've seen weirder. But the, the, the amount that this isn't weird makes it weird.

[Jordana Abraham]

Okay.

[Jared Freid]

Do you know what I mean?

[Jordana Abraham]

It's almost more menacing because it's not.

[Jared Freid]

Yes.

[Jordana Abraham]

So straightforwardly, only fans is.

[Jared Freid]

Right. She's like. I mean, not to get into it, but like, she's Asian, she's very skinny with big boobs. She's almost looks anime. Ish.

[Jordana Abraham]

A little bit.

[Jared Freid]

And so it's like a. It is like such a. Elaine.

[Jordana Abraham]

Okay. Is how interesting to see how men would describe this as. Because on first glance I was like, this just looks like an influencer.

[Jared Freid]

Yeah, not to me.

[Jordana Abraham]

And then I took a deeper dive and I was like, yeah, this is probably a little bit more breast than I would see from like an influencer with a mostly female following.

[Jared Freid]

Right. There's. This is for men.

[Jordana Abraham]

Right. But more subtly.

[Jared Freid]

More subtly. And for men who have this specific type. This is their type.

[Jordana Abraham]

Sure.

[Jared Freid]

You know, so. Or their fantasy. You know, like there's a fantasy version. Because I look at her and I don't know how much, you know, photoshopping she's using, which might be all those breasts might be AI AI. Like I don't know. I don't know what's real, what's fake. Am I, Am I living? Are we taping anything? Is anyone here who knows you're in the Matrix now? I'm the guy who's trying to get away from everyone. Don't Know, I just can't do it.

[Jordana Abraham]

It's hard to tell.

[Jared Freid]

Yeah. Well, she says my main concern isn't the content itself, but the fact that it's so public it feels unnecessary. And it makes me uncomfortable that anyone, including friends or family, could see this part of his life on full display. That's the thing about this is like.

[Jordana Abraham]

That'S why he needs a fina, right?

[Jared Freid]

Well, I just made assumptions about him.

[Jordana Abraham]

I would almost rather a man had a fina, I think, to look at these kinds of accounts, right? It's like keep it away from your personal. Like.

[Jared Freid]

Well, yeah, that's why you put magazines under the mattress, right?

[Jordana Abraham]

Like, I think we should go back to that. Magazines under the mattress.

[Jared Freid]

Mattress account.

[Jordana Abraham]

To me, it's like I don't have an issue if a guy, even if a guy I'm dating likes this kind of content right in his, like, let's say that's the porn he's into. Sure. I agree with her. I don't want to see it, but like, I don't mind that you like it, but I don't want. I don't want to see it and I don't want anyone else that I know to see it.

[Jared Freid]

Right. But I mean, here's the thing. This goes back to a conversation we had last week about like, are. Are people 9 out of 10 or are they the 10th? Like, are people really going to. Am I going to Mike's account or do you think your friends, when you met Mike were going to his account to see who he follows?

[Jordana Abraham]

Probably not. Unless, I mean, but wouldn't that take.

[Jared Freid]

A real piece of.

[Jordana Abraham]

Right.

[Jared Freid]

Like, wouldn't that take like a real dirt digging friend that really, I mean, I would really want.

[Jordana Abraham]

I would look at who's. I'm not, not there are other people's boyfriends, but I would look at my own to see who we follow.

[Jared Freid]

Yeah, but not you. This is. Yeah, you should, right? To protect yourself.

[Jordana Abraham]

Right.

[Jared Freid]

But to protect your feelings. But like you, everyone brings up the friends and the family. Like your uncle isn't looking at who Mike follows on Instagram, right?

[Jordana Abraham]

Like, if I could see it, then they could. It's not like that they are seeing it, but that they could see it.

[Jared Freid]

When I go to a account because I. That I follow or thought to look at because it was a hot chick and I see it says so and so and 10,000 other people liked it, you see that one name that you have in common, I'm always like, oh, guess we're into the same hot titties.

[Jordana Abraham]

And yeah, well, I'm like, oh, that guy's into. Like, if I go, if I went to this person's thing and then I saw. Because you might see by accident, I might. Might stumble upon this person's profile.

[Jared Freid]

What is this?

[Jordana Abraham]

Jared likes this picture.

[Jared Freid]

I'd be like, oh, right.

[Jordana Abraham]

Like, it wasn't. Doesn't always have to be so devious of like, I'm searching through your to get you in trouble.

[Jared Freid]

But also your response isn't devious. You're not gonna go, oh, guess he's a big weirdo. You go, oh, I guess Jared likes pictures of women who. I wouldn't like the picture. That's.

[Jordana Abraham]

Well, that's another. Well, let's finish the email and then we'll get into it. But I think that's liking and following are also two very different from Totally agree.

[Jared Freid]

For context. I'm 32. Personally, I think if someone wants to look at that kind of content, it should mar. It should remain private. For context. I'm 32, he's 35. I'm from Kazakhstan and he's from Hong Kong. But we work together internationally. So my questions are, should I bring this up with him? If so, what's the best way to ask him to be more discreet without sounding judgmental? Is this a red flag or is this a red flag I should address or a deal breaker I should walk away from? Thanks so much. I just had to check on who this guy follows.

[Jordana Abraham]

I don't blame her for checking.

[Jared Freid]

We all kind of see a trend, are curious of who the people we're dating are following. Yes, there's a curiosity. I don't think your friends have the same curiosity. I don't think your Uncle Bob is checking in on who your boyfriend is following. Yes, she's like, might also like anime chicks and see that your boyfriend and him are whacking it to the same woman. Which is a weird thing to find out. But he's not gonna bring that up to you.

[Jordana Abraham]

I don't want to know that about Uncle Bob either.

[Jared Freid]

Right. Uncle Bob's not coming, going. You know what I found out today?

[Jordana Abraham]

Right.

[Jared Freid]

You know, So I know it is easy to like, go your brain to go down the road of like, everyone's gonna see. But, like, it's like those. I think Betches has done it. Those videos where it's like how you think people are gonna come over to your house.

[Jordana Abraham]

Right.

[Jared Freid]

And then everyone goes through all the drawers.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yeah.

[Jared Freid]

And it's like, but I get the insecure.

[Jordana Abraham]

I could see not it's again, because she's. I agree with her. And then she's like, I'm not against him looking or being into this. I just don't want it to be so public.

[Jared Freid]

Right.

[Jordana Abraham]

I think if he's liking. That's more of a reason to say something. Also. I think you could also do the light tease if you're with them in person.

[Jared Freid]

Right?

[Jordana Abraham]

Like, if I'm next to Mike and I see, like, there's a. That there was like a model picture that came up. Up, like in his scrolling. I would be like, oh, like, are you getting shopping tips from that person? What's the. Like, what is the.

[Jared Freid]

But it's gotta come up, right? It's gotta, like, yeah, it would have to come up.

[Jordana Abraham]

It could be like, I mean, here's the thing, I guess, like, that's sort of an avoidant way of bringing up your actual issue, right?

[Jared Freid]

And what people do.

[Jordana Abraham]

Here's the thing. I don't think it'd be crazy for him to unfollow and then go look at it. It. If he wants to look at it, right.

[Jared Freid]

This person.

[Jordana Abraham]

If it makes you more comfortable, hey, would you do that?

[Jared Freid]

I would do that for someone I cared about. But I also would be annoyed. I would say, why do I have to change? I mean, why is this a big.

[Jordana Abraham]

For the reason I just gave you? Which I think is valid.

[Jared Freid]

Like, I go, I'm liking. Like, I'm liking, like, you know, model pictures. You're single, but I'm single.

[Jordana Abraham]

But if you were not.

[Jared Freid]

Relationship. But then I get in a relationship and they go, hey, your name popped up. Liking.

[Jordana Abraham]

Can I ask why you like them?

[Jared Freid]

Some of the models I follow, and I'm like, being supportive in my mind. Like, I really, like.

[Jordana Abraham]

Well, that would annoy. That would annoy me more. Why do you need to support this person?

[Jared Freid]

I don't know. They don't.

[Jordana Abraham]

They don't give a. About you.

[Jared Freid]

I've had a few shows.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yeah, well, that's.

[Jared Freid]

They follow me back. We follow each other.

[Jordana Abraham]

That's different. That's actually worse. So it's all bad?

[Jared Freid]

Yeah, it's all bad. I mean, like, following some of these people for so long that, like, I don't see your friends, like, Well, I don't see us as, like, having a romantic future.

[Jordana Abraham]

But then why do you need to like it supportive?

[Jared Freid]

I don't know. Yeah, I don't.

[Jordana Abraham]

I don't. I would. If it were me and I were.

[Jared Freid]

Dating, you let them know that I'd still take a blow job.

[Jordana Abraham]

From them. Yeah. Well, if you have a girlfriend, right. I would be like, like, why do you need to like this?

[Jared Freid]

Listen, there's. There's a bunch of people I dated.

[Jordana Abraham]

Especially if they follow you back.

[Jared Freid]

A bunch of people I've dated that I follow still, that I'm like, I tinker with. Like, should I unfollow? Should I just get out of here? And then I do have the fear. Exactly. Like coming into my house and looking through all my drawers, they're going to like, did you unfollow me?

[Jordana Abraham]

You don't even have to unfollow more than you could.

[Jared Freid]

Not like, I know not liking is.

[Jordana Abraham]

An inaction and one is. Yeah. Like, if you were liking any sort of sexual picture, I just feel like that's unnecessary.

[Jared Freid]

Well, that's not doing. Any girl is a genius.

[Jordana Abraham]

Right.

[Jared Freid]

Her pictures are not sexual. So like, if the guy wanted to keep up this person with 1.7 supporting.

[Jordana Abraham]

Her, I know she's just support women in the arts.

[Jared Freid]

Just her outside of a. A building in a teddy. That's how people dress outside of buildings. Right.

[Jordana Abraham]

I don't like anything. That's how I keep safe on the Internet. I don't want anything coming up about me supporting anyone in any degree.

[Jared Freid]

Well, now people are really looking at people's likes too. Like it's a thing. It is a thing.

[Jordana Abraham]

Because to me, it's just so you could just easily not. It's like no footprint versus just like adding on one more thing for someone to think about.

[Jared Freid]

It is you did it. Is it? You're right. You're absolutely. That's the thing. He can't. Before I get into. He can't really have a good explanation. That. That's the thing. If she's gonna ask for this, don't expect him to have like a good, reasonable reason that he likes the woman with big tits and 1.7 million followers. It's not going to be good.

[Jordana Abraham]

I just respect her content.

[Jared Freid]

Yeah. I just want to make sure she gets to the next level.

[Jordana Abraham]

Right.

[Jared Freid]

Like, it's all I know because they. There is the.

[Jordana Abraham]

Well, why would he like it? Because there's a small chance he sees that. He let him. He's one of 30,000 likes.

[Jared Freid]

It is the craziness of the Internet. The, the impact on your brain. We will study it. We'll go, wow, they really thought there are men that are liking pictures of models thinking that, like, maybe they'll still.

[Jordana Abraham]

They'll notice, right. That they liked a bunch of pictures. Yeah. I don't like I mean, that's bad.

[Jared Freid]

It's a perverse.

[Jordana Abraham]

If you're. Wait, you're dating someone, Right.

[Jared Freid]

And especially if you're dating.

[Jordana Abraham]

So. Yeah.

[Jared Freid]

So.

[Jordana Abraham]

All right, well, we did it.

[Jared Freid]

Solve dat. I don't know if we solved dating or if we made people hate it more.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yeah.

[Jared Freid]

This week, a little bit of both.

[Jordana Abraham]

That's what we're here for.

[Jared Freid]

But we went long. This was a fun episode.

[Jordana Abraham]

Yeah. Had a good time. All right, we'll be back on Friday.

[Jared Freid]

Boom.