U Up? – "When Does A Partner’s Joke Go Too Far?"

Hosts: Jordana Abraham & Jared Freid
Episode Date: February 19, 2025

Episode Overview

This episode explores where to draw the line when humor in relationships turns hurtful. Jordana and Jared, with their signature candid banter, discuss deciphering playful ribbing from comments that strike a nerve. They break down listener emails about “roasts” in relationships gone too far, awkward encounters stemming from misjudged jokes, and the crucial role of honest communication about feelings. Plus, they navigate red flag or deal breaker games and field audience dilemmas about mismatched intimacy and boundary-pushing dating behavior.

Main Discussion Points & Insights

1. Catching Up & Recent Travels

[01:22–14:44]

• Jared’s Montreal-LA Trip: Jared recounts his travels from freezing Montreal to cosmopolitan LA and back, including food, culture, changing dating app locations, and the social scenes in each city.
• LA Vibes & Insecurity: Both hosts reflect on LA’s pressure to look good and its broader effect on self-esteem. Jordana jokes, “Everything about the vibe there just makes me want to lose 10 pounds.” (13:19)
• Changing Your App Location: Jared shares how changing his dating app location while traveling brought a sudden surge in attention, joking, “I’m an old hag in New York and I’m fresh face in LA.” (11:55)

2. Real-Life Encounters at Bars

[08:30–11:47]

• Meeting Random Strangers: The duo discusses how meeting people IRL is unpredictable–sometimes interesting, sometimes exhausting, and occasionally icky.
  • Jared: “That’s the gamble… your energy is going to be sopped up by someone and it is a total randomized thing.” (10:00)
• Why App Dates Feel Safer: Jordana points out, “That’s why people love going on dates with someone they’ve already met in person…” (11:21)
• Dating App Refresh: Jared changes app locations for fun when traveling, highlighting the “new face” phenomenon.

3. The Joke That Goes Too Far

[25:13–38:55]
Listener Email #1: “Did My Boyfriend’s Joke Cross the Line?”

• Scenario: Listener's boyfriend tells her she'd “never make it” on a reality TV dating show, after she jokes her hobbies would be TV and flashcards. She laughs but then feels hurt.
• Breakdown:
  • Is it ever “just a joke” if it stings?
  • When is a “roast” playful, and when is it unnecessarily mean?
  • Importance of intent vs. impact.
  • Notable Quotes:
    • Jordana: “Here’s the thing about this comment: it’s not funny at all… If you’re going to make a joke about me… it’s got to be funny. And that wasn’t funny.” (29:06)
    • Jared: “There’s this weird thing of, like, ‘can’t take a joke’. No, no. You had a bad shot. You hurt my feelings.” (30:26)
    • Jordana: “You have to feel like the person is your fan—not like you’re two people in a comedy troupe making fun of each other all the time.” (34:55)
• Advice:
  • Communicate directly (“That really hurt my feelings” is always valid).
  • Partners sometimes “miss” with humor; it’s important to calibrate boundaries.
  • Don’t let resentment build by hiding your reaction.
  • A healthy relationship balances playful ribbing with genuine support and compliments.

4. Personal Anecdotes: Bombed Jokes in Relationships

[37:00–39:13]

• Jordana and Jared share stories of jokes/“bits” that unintentionally hurt their partners.
  • Jordana: “He’s like, 'you’re taking something I really enjoy, and you’re kind of shitting on it.'”
  • Jared: “I thought it was the funniest thing… Not so funny to the other person.”
• Key takeaway: Every joke contains some truth, and it’s common for partners to misjudge when a joke might cross a line.

5. Awkward Encounter: When “Funny” Becomes Cringe

[41:50–47:50]

• Listener Story: Woman agrees to a hockey game date with a stranger (after her friends’ vetting); as the night unfolds, he gets drunk, makes crass jokes about sex and abortion, and says wildly inappropriate things—including publicly embarrassing remarks at a military salute.
  • Jared: “There’s a thin line between trying to be funny and being funny. You shouldn’t always go for the joke.” (52:44)
  • Both hosts agree: sometimes, one bad joke is forgivable, but a pattern means it’s their whole personality.

6. Emotional vs. Physical Chemistry

[53:19–61:49] Listener Email #2: “What If the Physical Spark Isn’t There?”

• Scenario: Man finds emotional connection with a woman who has little dating experience, but their physical intimacy is “like kissing a cardboard cutout.”
• Discussion:
  • Is it hopeless, fixable, or a question of compatibility?
  • Potential causes: inexperience, possible trauma, or just not that into him.
  • Importance of communicating outside of physical settings.
  • How to raise the issue gently: “It feels like physically maybe we’re a little bit on different pages… I’m sensing hesitancy with you.” (57:54)
  • Recognizes possible deeper issues (e.g. past trauma) and the need for empathy and openness.

7. Red Flag or Deal Breaker Game

[62:52–77:32] A lightning round of relationship-dilemma scenarios:

• “He forgot he’d had a vasectomy mid-hookup.”

  • Both hosts: Total deal breaker. Jared: “Anytime they say you don’t need a condom, I’m like, I need two condoms.” (66:15)
  • The “I forgot” story is manipulative—he didn’t forget.

• “He quotes a mean comment from your RateMyProfessor profile on a first date.”

  • Jordana: “If you say it like that… tacky. There’s a way to get to this conversation.”
  • Jared suspects it’s a clumsy attempt to be flirty, but they both call it a red flag/deal breaker if said without tact.

• “Divorced dad wants to have a son via surrogate ASAP—deal breaker?”

  • Both are bewildered. Jordana: “[It’s] the lengths he would go to just to have a boy that are a little icky to me.” (74:07)
  • Raises practical and character questions, not just about wanting more kids, but about priorities and decision-making.

Notable Quotes & Moments (with Timestamps)

• “Jokes in relationships aren’t a free pass. If it feels mean, it’s just mean.”
  — Jordana, (29:16)

• “You can’t tell someone how to feel… There’s no such thing as ‘too big a deal’—he said the line, you hated it, you have a right to hate it.”
  — Jared, (30:01)

• “If both people aren’t laughing, it’s not a good joke.”
  — Jordana, (33:18)

• On communication in relationships:
  “That’s why people say communication is so important. When you said you’d never make it on there, it made me think you don’t think I’m attractive. That’s a conversation that, if you work through it, you’d feel closer to someone.” (36:24)

• On misreading humor:
  “He might have meant, like—none of these dating show people could read, you’re smart! But he misread the line.”
  — Jared, (35:00)

• On awkward dates:
  “There’s a thin line between trying to be funny and being funny. Sometimes you bomb. Sometimes, it’s just who they are.”
  — Jared, (52:44)

Key Takeaways

• The Line in Relationship Humor:
  Joking is a sign of comfort, but everyone’s sensitivities are different. If a partner’s “joke” upsets you, say so—it’s how couples learn each other’s boundaries.

• Balance “Roasting” With Genuine Support:
  Playful ribbing should never drown out sincere praise and real compliments. If nitpicking is the only dynamic, it erodes trust.

• Speak Up Early:
  Hiding feelings about crossed boundaries leads to resentment. Addressing issues quickly prevents blowups and solidifies intimacy.

• Uncomfortable Behavior Is a Non-Starter:
  Repeated “wrong” jokes or off-color comments, especially in public, reveal more about character than compatibility.

• Chemistry Includes Both Friendship and Physical:
  If emotional connection outpaces attraction, discuss it compassionately. Incompatibility isn’t anyone’s fault, but sometimes it can’t be overcome.

• Red Flags Don’t Disappear:
  From forgotten vasectomies to odd dating ambitions, address inconsistencies or pressuring behavior directly.

Timestamps for Major Segments

• 01:22–14:44 — Travel catch-ups, dating app stories
• 25:13–38:55 — Main email: "Did my boyfriend's joke go too far?"
• 41:50–52:51 — Awkward encounter: The hockey date gone wrong
• 53:19–61:49 — Emotional vs. physical chemistry
• 62:52–77:32 — Red flag/deal breaker games (vasectomy, RateMyProfessor, surrogacy)

Final Thoughts

The core of this episode is that even good relationships require careful calibration of humor, empathy, and honesty. Jordana and Jared reaffirm that it’s never silly to be hurt by a partner’s words—intent doesn’t erase impact. Their advice? Speak up when boundaries are crossed, balance fun with affirming your partner, and listen as much as you joke.

For more on this theme, check out their bonus content via @u.up.podcast and send your own dating dilemmas to uup@betches.com.