Why Your Ex’s Instagram Still Messes With Your Head

Summary

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Episode Overview

Title: Why Your Ex’s Instagram Still Messes With Your Head
Podcast: U Up?
Hosts: Jordana Abraham and Jared Freid
Date: December 12, 2025

This episode dives into the subtle but persistent power of social media—specifically, how seeing an ex’s Instagram post can trigger unexpected emotions, provoke self-reflection, and even hinder personal closure. Jordana and Jared candidly dissect their own experiences, listener dilemmas about gifts in new relationships, and the infamous “ick or picky” scenarios, all while maintaining their signature mix of vulnerability and humor.

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Main Theme

Why does your ex’s Instagram still get to you even after the relationship is over?
The hosts unravel the psychology behind social media-checking, the emotional residue of past relationships, and how digital footprints can keep your feelings unexpectedly alive.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Emotional Aftermath of Seeing an Ex's Post

• Jordana’s Perspective: Most exes don't affect her much if she still follows them—if she unfollows, it’s because of a truly negative experience.
• Jared’s Honesty: Opens up about feeling unexpectedly unsettled after seeing a post by someone he ended things with.

"It felt like I was the dead version of me looking in the window of the life that I missed out on."
— Jared, [02:34]

• Both agree: seeing an ex living happily can trigger complex feelings—sometimes relief, sometimes nostalgia, and sometimes insecurity (“the Carrie Bradshaw thing”).

Notable Quote:

"The minute the post went up, I'm like, have they moved on? Like, what are they doing? No, I was, like, relieved they didn't have someone."
— Jared, [01:51]

2. Should You Like an Ex’s Post?

• Jared wrestles with liking a post after breaking up—unsure if it’s appropriate, or if it sends mixed signals.
• Jordana points out this depends on where you're at emotionally, and whether you’re genuinely neutral.

3. Advice for Managing Social Media Emotional Triggers

• If following an ex causes you distress, unfollowing is often healthiest.
• “If a guy wrote in, hey I ended something with someone... I would say, like, maybe unfollowing and getting away from them a little bit is probably the best thing for you to do…” — Jared, [03:31]

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Listener Dilemma: “Am I Weird for Wanting to Get My Not-Official Boyfriend a Gift?” [16:41]

Situation

A listener dated a guy for about 2 months. He’s indifferent (not opposed) to holidays, and she loves gift-giving. Should she get him a holiday present, and if so, what?

Insights

• Distinction Between Apathy & Indifference:
  • Indifference means open to others’ traditions.
  • Apathy/disdain feels unattractive or emotionally disengaged.
• Gift-Giving Nuances in Early Dating:
  • Jared: Gifts can force people to clarify relationships—sometimes leading to breakups if one feels the gift means “more than it should.”
  • Jordana: Relates to being “indifferent” to holidays and validates it’s not a red flag.
• Rules of Thumb for Early Relationship Gifts:
  • Thoughtful but not extravagant (e.g., nice socks, scrubs, dinner snack).
  • Don’t expect a reciprocal gift.
  • Make the gifting about your personality (“I love giving gifts”) instead of pressuring a relationship definition.

Notable Quotes:

"The question about gifts becomes, am I crazy for doing this? No, you're not crazy for having feelings for someone... within reason." — Jared, [22:39]

"She should give the gift, but also not expect a gift. Only give if you're not going to be offended if you don't get one in return." — Jordana, [23:48]

Gift Suggestions (from hosts):

• Hospital worker: “Good sneakers, nice scrubs, or a snack for the hospital.”
• Something under $100, tied to an inside joke or small detail you remembered.

Practical Takeaways

• Gifts early on should be thoughtful and light, matching the relationship’s stage.
• Use gift-giving as a way to express yourself, not trap someone into reciprocation.

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Segment: “Icky or Picky?” [27:55]

Listener Story:
A woman goes on a date with a charming-on-paper (tall, Brazilian PhD student) guy. He sends very long texts and dominates conversations, repeating details about himself.

Analysis

• Red Flags Identified:

  • Essay-length texts and excessive detail about himself, without reciprocal interest.
  • Choosing an odd meeting spot (“random street corner”).
  • Ending the date abruptly but asking for a second.

• Hosts’ Take:

  • There’s no need to continue if the connection isn’t there, no matter how objectively “great” the person seems.
  • Don’t over-analyze—trust your gut and don’t feel obligated to seek external validation for ending things.

Standout Quotes:

"You were, you know, six foot tall, hot Brazilian outweighed horrible conversationalist. And that's okay. But this is why the ick exists..." — Jared, [35:29]

"It sounds like from the way she's describing it, no, she didn't enjoy herself. So now it becomes... Do I want to go out with him again? If you can handle listening to this guy talk about PhD and catering at the seminars, then go out with him again. But don't come back to us and go, can you believe this loser wouldn't shut up about himself?" — Jared, [34:58]

• Jordana’s Wisdom:
  • “They're basically asking this invisible tribunal of women if it’s okay to have their own feelings. And it's like, you’re okay to say, I didn’t feel great after the first date." [37:11]

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• "Am I being too honest on this show?" — Jared, opening up about post-breakup vulnerability. [02:04]
• "If you’re out there and you’re new here, this is a dating podcast. We talk about modern dating. We talk about it rationally. We talk about it reasonably." — Jared, on the podcast’s ethos. [06:13]
• “Love languages aren’t for you to tell someone else. It’s for you to realize about the person you’re dating.” — Jared [24:11]

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Bonus: Comic Relief & Host Banter

Throughout the episode, Jared and Jordana riff on New Year's Eve loneliness, banana-dressed audience members, and the awkwardness of stand-up comedy countdowns—offering some lighthearted perspective amidst the heavier relationship topics.

Standout Moment:
Jared’s New Year’s Eve tales of cheering with strangers, and the infamous “banana dress” incident at a comedy show, add levity and reinforce their ethos of finding humor in life’s awkward dynamics. [12:46–15:34]

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Ex’s Instagram Triggers: [00:00–04:01]
• Gift-Giving Dilemma: [16:41–26:46]
• Icky or Picky (Paragraph Texter): [27:55–38:04]
• Notable Banter/New Year's Stories: [06:13–15:34]

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Conclusion

With their signature candor and wit, Jordana and Jared clarify that dating in the digital age is messy—and it’s okay to feel weird about your ex’s Instagram or nervous about a simple gift. As always, self-compassion and honest self-reflection trump arbitrary rules and outside approval.

"Listen, we solve dating again." – Jared, [38:31]

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For more fun commentary and to submit your own questions, follow @u.up.podcast on Instagram or email [e-mail].

Transcript

[A]

I was going to ask you, how much are you affected by an ex posting? An Instagram post.

[B]

Like an X. Anything, like an ex.

[A]

Ex, anything. You dated someone you had a relationship of any kind? I consider anyone I dated an ex.

[B]

I think I feel neutral most of the time. Unless, like, here's the thing. I think I feel the ones for the. What if I really had a bad experience with them, I no longer follow them.

[A]

You've. You've left the store.

[B]

Yes. So I don't see those. And I would say most. Most men that I would follow are private. And if I do still. If you're listening and I do still follow you, it means I have no. I'm not emotionally attached to. To anything that happened at all. I have no ill will, and I probably feel somewhat neutral.

[A]

I genuinely have no ill will towards someone I dated after we're done dating.

[B]

That's because you always dump them.

[A]

Well, even I have people I follow. Some people that I.

[B]

You can't say that. Like, you're. You know, it's funny because you say that sometimes you say that and I'm like, you sound like you're, like, a little bit above it, above the, you know, the pettiness of it. But I also think that when you were the one to, like, dump, I would say the best.

[A]

I don't. I don't know if it's all of the people that I've dated. I've ended things.

[B]

Right. I think that's easy. An easier mentality to have.

[A]

Right. Well, I've. I had someone.

[B]

I have nothing bad to say.

[A]

This is why I brought it up. I felt. I felt genuinely bad. I saw someone who I had ended things with post, and I was like. It kind of hit me in this weird way.

[B]

What did they post?

[A]

Just their life. They were just. And I felt weird seeing it.

[B]

Did it make you want to be with them?

[A]

I don't know. It made me.

[B]

They post, like, a new relationship.

[A]

No. And I kind. That's what I was looking for. The minute the post went up, I'm like, have they moved on? Like, what are they doing? No, I was, like, relieved they didn't have someone.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

I was like, a little.

[B]

That's flattering.

[A]

Yeah. I was like, maybe there's still someone I could talk to. I don't know. Am I being. Am I being too honest on this show?

[B]

No, I, like, I think this is because I feel like that's more than you would say about a lot of people.

[A]

Right. I've never really felt that before. Where I Was like, I was just. I. I kind of felt bad. I kind of felt.

[B]

Did you like the post?

[A]

No. That was the thing. You know what it felt like.

[B]

Because should you like the post if you dumped the person?

[A]

I can't. I don't know. I just saw this post and I was like, it felt like it was Christmas and I was being shown the. The Christmas past know I was being shown around by the ghost of Christmas past or gr. You know what I mean? Like, it felt like I was the dead version of me looking in the window of the life that I missed out on.

[B]

Did it make you want to reach.

[A]

Out a piece of me? Yeah, I kind of wrestled with it a little bit. I went back and forth and it was a. It was like a tough night. I was like, I was like looking at this and I'm like, did you think about unfollowing? I thought about that. Cuz I'm like, maybe this is. Is it because, you know, you do the Carrie Bradshaw thing. You know, the Carrie Bradshaw thing where you start asking questions like hypothetically, you're like, is it me?

[B]

Then I got to thinking.

[A]

Then I got to thinking, is it me following that makes me feel this way? If I didn't follow, would I not feel this way? Would I, Would I think of this person? You know what I mean? And yeah, if a guy wrote in, hey, I ended something with someone, I would say, like, maybe unfollowing and getting away from them a little bit is probably the best thing for you to do, right? So that you can truly forget about them. Because you did make that promise, or you did by ending things you have said, I need to move on.

[B]

Right. Or you could come back and marry them. That's the other option. Hello and welcome back to the Friday Feels episode of the UF podcast.

[A]

I'm Jordan Abraham and I am Jared Freed. It is so good to be back here with you, Jordana. But it's especially good because we are now starting to get the Spotify wrapped sent to us and we're tagged in them and we just want to say a very heartfelt thank you to everyone who sends us their lists and has spent so many minutes with us that they're like embarrassed about. And, you know, I get the messages apparently, you know, you and I live together basically, and it's like, it's really, truly, genuinely. We love it. I mean, you always say you've said this last year, like whoever came up with this, right?

[B]

Yeah. I mean, this is like the, I would say the best marketing campaign for Spotify.

[A]

I think I've ever seen marketing win of like the century. Yeah. Whoever came up with the whole idea of wrapped, great job. But because. Because it just goes both ways. We love that you love the show and just having this gift. Wrapped again. Wrapped, to use their term version of like here. This is what I like to do with my free time. My. As we've always said, you put your brain on the shelf hours. We're just happy that we. You trust us to take you on a little bit of a journey during those odd parts of your days.

[B]

Huge ego boost.

[A]

Yeah. Oh my God, it's so fulfilling. And I, I just want to make sure people feel thanked and, and we. Because it's hard to return, but I guess we return the favor by giving you this great show. And we were top 10 best video podcasts of 2025 on Spotify. So the production here, the hard work they're putting in, we have invested money, real dollars we've put into making a great video podcast. So we. Everything is going according to plan. This is very nice. So, and if you're out there and you're new here, this is a dating podcast. This is. We talk about modern dating. We talk about it rationally. We talk about it reasonably. Send in your emails uup betches.com Jordana is. Is here virtually with us. You're coming from home. I'm here in studio. And we just love doing this show. So we are so happy that you, you guys love it as much as we love doing it.

[B]

Yes. And if you needed any other reason to check us out on video.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Here it is.

[A]

We're the best.

[B]

Spotify says we're the best at it. Right.

[A]

The pros, the people who, they want you to watch us. I mean, I, I like to think our facial expressions add to the madness here. You know, I think that helps us. I. I'm a facial expression guy.

[B]

Yeah, for sure. I think we. That definitely has added another layer to the show that you just don't get.

[A]

Totally audio only.

[B]

Although audio is great.

[A]

You know, listen, audio is what got us here.

[B]

Yeah. I'm a walking podcast person, so I, you know, I'll, I'll glance at the video, but I'm. Audio is.

[A]

Listen. I was in the car. V came down to Florida and taped some behind the scenes from my parents house. My house, my new apartment. She, we were in the car. She looked at the screen. There's oversharing sitting right there on my screen, on the home screen.

[B]

Look at that. So I think was it this week that we talked about your. The listener came to your show and you made the cameo.

[A]

I made it. What?

[B]

Remember when I, I sent you the email from over sharing about the.

[A]

Oh, got into the.

[B]

I think that was this week. Have you listened to this week's yet?

[A]

I haven't listened to it yet. I'm on the road. I'll listen on my flight tomorrow to Detroit. Yeah.

[B]

If you haven't listened to this week's episode or maybe last week's episode, special.

[A]

Guest star Jared Freed.

[B]

Yes. Jared has given his own thoughts on a reaction to a listener. A, A listener ethical dilemma about breaking up fights at one of his shows.

[A]

I, and I didn't even know there was a fight at my show. My show is usually a big kumbaya. Everyone's just, you know, whacking each other off, you know, in the, in the crowds and crying and laughing and hugging. I, I had no idea it was at my DC show. It's worth a listen. The email is wild. So go check out oversharing and if you're out there and you want to come see a show, my end of the year is like fantastic weather wise. I'm going to be in Orlando, Florida and I'm going to be in San Diego for New Year's. I'm doing seven shows in San Diego. I'm doing New Year's Eve. If you're looking for something that's like a low pressure, big win, I think standup comedy on New Year's Eve for anyone is a high value win. Like a. You're going to win. You're going to.

[B]

Yes. You're not going to have a bad night.

[A]

And if the show's okay, it's fine. You're doing something.

[B]

Are you people performing like at midnight?

[A]

So I have, I talked about this before. I've done New Year's Eve. I've done it. I've been doing stand up 15 years. I've done it 14. Last year I took off. I actually.

[B]

Loser.

[A]

Yeah. I had nowhere.

[B]

I remember last, last year you were in Miami.

[A]

I was in Miami. I've done it the last two years. The last two years I've gone to Miami on New Year's Eve and I was at the Ritz in Miami be and alone. And I remember some guy like 12, like 1150 was like, what are you doing here alone? I was like, oh, no, he's gonna ruin my alone New Year's. And it's like, you look miserable. Yeah. Hannah Burner's cousin came out of nowhere. What's wrong with you loser. So I. So this year, I'm working because it's a Wednesday night. So they were like, do you want to do Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday in San Diego? I'm like, well, I have nobody. Why wouldn't I do? I'm gonna be in San Diego. But I. I. So as a younger comic, and I still feel like a young comic, I would host at Stand Up New York and the Comedy Cellar, and when you host, they make you do the countdown for New Year's. And I never had the confidence necessary to feel like I was worthy enough to count down someone else's New Year. Like, I always felt like someone would be in the crowd being like, I can't believe this loser is counting down my New Year's. I always had that.

[B]

I feel like it's more about, like, the cheesiness of the count. The only reason I can't picture you doing it is because, like, the countdown is, like, a little cheesy.

[A]

It's totally cheesy. And then they have you sing at the Cellar. They sing. And there's words to that song.

[B]

And.

[A]

I had to learn that. What is it called?

[B]

Auld Lang Syne.

[A]

Yes, All Lang Syne. And it. And there's words. And I'd have to sing it.

[B]

Oh, wow.

[A]

And it was such. Because at the Cellar, they have a band. I remember, and I was like, this is, like, so not what I want to be concentrating. Yeah. And I. And I just have this, like, visceral reaction to the countdown because. And then I would always, you know, be on my own, or I. You know, I. I generally. I end up breaking up with someone before New Year's so that I don't have to deal with again. The advice I give is how. What would work on me. So beware of holidays, New Year's, and all that stuff. So, yeah. This is all to say, anyway, come watch.

[B]

Come watch Jared be sad.

[A]

Do the countdown. Yeah. If you're in San Diego, I'm also in Philly.

[B]

And do you pause for, like, a makeout sesh for everyone?

[A]

I kind of do. It's really awkward. What I do is I'll go, three, two, one. Happy New Year. And I do. To. To try and make it less awkward for me, I raise my hands in the air, and I just go.

[B]

I'm alone.

[A]

And I try to cheers as many people as possible because. And I'm looking for people who are also alone to cheers. To connect on we're the loser Alone. Cheers. And then I just cheers a bunch of strangers. I don't know this has happened 15 new years in a row. This sounds incredibly sad. The more I'm talking about this. This is like the movie about a stand up comedian. Because you have to work so you're not with like. I didn't make a plan with my six best friends and we all can all hug and look at how far we've come. No, I'm with a bunch of strangers who are very nice and want to be at my show. Which I appreciate.

[B]

You're with your real friends. The fans.

[A]

The fans. That's right. I'm giving everything to you people show. I'm in hell.

[B]

I want at midnight, I want you to make out with your phone. Put it in lock mode. Put it in lock. So I want like a, like I want.

[A]

Someone's got to make a video of that. Someone's got a video if anyone's going to be at my shows. That mike drop.

[B]

Quite a year, baby.

[A]

You and me, kid. Oh, if you're getting video, you love this. Always got fresh bread, right? There was one year that I did San Diego New Year's and this girl, she came to the show and she got hammered. Which that's the problem with stand up on New Year's is people get too drunk. It's not a real great. It's not a great night for stand up comedy, to be honest. Like not to.

[B]

Like you just said, you can't lose, you can't.

[A]

It's not a great night for comedy on stage. Like as a performer, it's a tough night, but as an audience member, you've done something, you've gone out, you have a chair, you know, like it's an older person's night to do a new year. Something I would say perfect two years into a relationship. New Year's Eve.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Stand up comedy show.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

This woman came with her group. She might be listening now. She was in this bright yellow banana dress, like bandage dress, you know those, like tight ones.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

She's beautiful. And New Year's hat. And she's drunk the whole fucking show. She won't shut the fuck up. She's being annoying. At first it's funny and then it's not cute. Okay, so we all have seen that. If you've been to a show, it happens. And she's in this bright yellow banana banded dress and New Year's happens. Everyone stands up. Yeah. And apparently she decided to get up on her heels on a chair or a table. Like she said, I'm gonna stand on a table. The table falls out from beneath her and this big fucking banana splatters all over the ground. And banana, the banana woman, she's in this banana dress. She looks like a banana.

[B]

She looks. She's the banana.

[A]

She's the banana. She just falls on the ground and everyone is like, it's. And she fell so hard that it fell first. It was one of those falls. Everyone's like, is she okay? And then when we saw that she was okay, everyone was like laughing hysterically like, oh. Because it like you're like, okay, she's fine. But also, we hated this the whole show.

[B]

She finally got hers.

[A]

She got hers and literally all. And I think it was on video. Someone had the video. I. She just. Never to be seen again. Ran away. The banana just ran out of the.

[B]

Room, changed her name.

[A]

Yeah, she's a totally different person. Maybe she'll come back this year, but I. I'll never forget it. Just a wild occurrence. Oh, sorry. Set the Uber Eats there. Cuz we are sponsored. Listen, our first email is sponsored by Uber Eats. I'm an Uber Eats user. Do you use Uber Eats?

[B]

Of course.

[A]

Yeah, it's great.

[B]

Who doesn't? You have to be crazy.

[A]

Listen, unless you're someone who claims that gifting is their love language, the holiday season is like 50% cheer, 50% mild panic. But with Uber Eats, gifting is easier than ever, bringing holiday cheer straight to your doorstep. So this email is about a gifting dilemma. I will say this as a personal endorsement of UberEats and of gifting this holiday season. I would say 90% of the problem with a gift isn't what to get, it's getting it done. And UberEats helps you get it done. That is a huge part of the gift thing. So let's get into the email. This is a gifting dilemma. You ready?

[B]

Yeah, I'll read the email.

[A]

You're gonna read it? Go for it.

[B]

Okay. Hi J and J. I, 29 female, have been seeing a guy, 30 male, for about two months, seven dates. Things are going well, nothing to find, but pretty consistent. He's really kind and funny and things are going really well so far. Recently I asked if he was excited for the holidays, if he was planning on going home, etc, and he said he doesn't really celebrate. Not in a dramatic way, just very matter of fact. He said his family isn't really big on holidays. He did ask what my plans are and told me he doesn't have anything against celebrating. It's just not something he grew up doing. My family isn't religious, but we do Celebrate Christmas. And I try to travel most years to celebrate with them. My friends think that this might be a bit of a red flag for the potential future of our relationship long term, but honestly, I think it could make things easier. Coordinating holidays while dating is so annoying. So if he doesn't care that I go celebrate with my family, that's one less issue to tackle. My only thing is, I was planning on getting him a gift, but now I'm stuck on whether it would be weird to give him a little something. I don't want to come on too strong or make things awkward if he genuinely doesn't care about the holiday stuff. But I'm one of those people who loves giving gifts, so it's really hard for me to ignore the impulse. Is it weird for me to get him a gift? If not, what would be a good gift to give someone you just started casually dating that doesn't feel like a holiday gift would. Love your take. Thanks for all you do.

[A]

I love this email. It brings up a huge dilemma. During this time of year, I'm seeing someone I like giving gifts. What do I do?

[B]

Yeah, and two months is lit perfect. Like, I'm not really sure if it's appropriate yet kind of gift. Because I'm assuming you haven't really talked about any definitions of things.

[A]

What is this? Yeah, well, you know, my going line here, Our going line is, beware of holidays, New Year's, vacations, and reactions to gifts. You know, like this.

[B]

I have gifts that have scared the out of you.

[A]

I have gotten gifts that made me want to break up with the person.

[B]

Not because of the. Not because you didn't like the gift.

[A]

Right. It wasn't the gesture. It was the meaning. The meaning. Right. The. The outward expression of this is how I feel we are. And if I didn't feel similarly enough to be getting a gift, that meant I had to have a conversation with that person.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Like, I've gotten gifts from people that we were openly just, hey, we're hooking up sometimes. And the gift made me say, you know what? This isn't even the type of hookup I want. This is too personal for me to be hooking up with someone and getting gifts from them. Because at that point, I just felt like I was living a little bit of a lie.

[B]

So have you ever given a gift to someone in this stage of dating?

[A]

I definitely.

[B]

Gift guy.

[A]

I'm not a big gift guy. I'm not good at receiving gifts. I don't know how to react to them. I think. And. And that's probably an important thing to hear for this person, because it didn't. This person didn't say they don't like the holidays. I think there's a big difference. And I hate that her friends were like, this is a red flag. No, it's not.

[B]

I agree. It's not. I'm kind of like this guy, I would say, right. I mean, for someone who talks about giving gifts constantly. Yeah, I think I'm. I kind of relate to this holidays. You know, my family's kind of, like, large and dysfunctional and, like, wasn't, like, a super. There weren't, like, a lot of traditions around the holidays, or at least not, like, these kinds of holidays. So I could see, like, where you'd kind of be like, yeah, like, I'm, like, not against it. And that's. And that's an important distinction, too, where he's not like, the holidays. The holidays, like, right. Are stupid. He's kind of just like, it was never really my thing. It wasn't like, in my, like, family culture. And so I don't think about it much.

[A]

I think there's a big difference between indifference and. And apathy. Like, to me, indifference is like, you can bring your traditions. You can create new ones. You can. They can be reasoned with. Apathy and is kind of. That's unattractive to me.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Like, am I using the right word? Like, if someone.

[B]

What are you. Are you trying. I guess, like, apathy and the difference, I think, are sort of similar. I think you mean, like, disdain, but apathy.

[A]

Like, I need someone to be indifferent but care about just life. Like, I can't have someone that's just given up on the whole season whatsoever. Like, you know, I, I. But I also. Disdain. I don't want either. You know, like, I agree with you. The way this email is written is why this podcast is important as far as a dating counter. You know, as part of, like, as part of your dating life. Because we're talking about dating in a reasonable way right now where this person has written into us that it is. They've given us a flavor of who this guy is. He doesn't. He's not against the holidays. It's just not something that's ever, like, piqued his interest, and that's fine. But if I was dating someone who said, I love giving gifts, and then I received a gift from them that made them feel good, that would make me feel good. I would actually feel like I'm getting to know them more.

[B]

Would you feel obligated to take part in the gift giving.

[A]

No, I, I would need them to, like, let me know, like, give me the full explanation here. Hey, I love giving gifts. You're someone that I've come to care about the last couple of months and you kept mentioning that you're. You love these scrubs. You work at a hospital. I got you some scrubs that I think look sexy on you would look sexy on you. Like that, like, to me, I'd be like, awesome.

[B]

Yeah. And if that person, if you were turned off by that person doing that or made you think about the relationship.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Then that person, that would be like a good thing.

[A]

It's a good thing.

[B]

It forces you to evaluate that earlier than you would have otherwise.

[A]

The question about gifts becomes, am I crazy for doing this? No, you're not crazy for having feelings for someone.

[B]

Within reason.

[A]

Within reason, right? Yeah. Sending someone, hey, I'm dating a person who works at a hospital. I'm thinking of sending them some really nice scrubs because there are. I, I bring up scrubs because there's levels. I know.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

That people who have writt. Hear from hospitals that are like, you know, you have your scrubs that you, you get because they cost this much. And then there's these really nice ones that maybe you don't feel good enough about buying for yourself. That would be quite an amazing gift to get someone thoughtful. Thoughtful and useful to their life and not super extravagant. And if I was dating someone where I was still dating other people and then they came to me with these beautiful scrubs, I wouldn't be like this crazy. Got me some scrubs. No, I'd be like, oh, God, this person that I really like.

[B]

It's further along.

[A]

Is on a different page. Is further along than me. I need to assess how rude it is for me to date other people while someone out there likes me in this way. Enough to get me nice scrubs.

[B]

I think the key to these. To holiday guests. A couple, couple things from the email I think are important. She should give the gift, but also not expect a gift.

[A]

Right.

[B]

So I think she, she gives the gift, she needs to, like, let go of any expectations. Because he's already said holidays aren't. He's probably not thinking about holiday gifts. So I, I wouldn't, I think only give if you're not going to be offended if you don't get one in return.

[A]

This is where the love language conversation comes in. Love languages aren't for you to tell someone else. It's for you to realize about the person you're dating, I think right. Like the love language thing always gets like to me a little bit narcissistic. Like well, they don't know my. My love. Like. No, no. I care enough about you to know that that's something that's not important to you. So I won't be offended by it. Yeah.

[B]

Right. Yes. And then I think like anything that's what to give something under a hundred dollars that is indicative of something they've said before that shows that you've thought of them. Like the scrubs thing. I think. Perfect.

[A]

Right.

[B]

I once did this with a guy I was seeing about three months. It was his birthday and I got him. He was, he kept, we had, we had been like out once that he wanted to go into these. The store to find these socks that he was looking for and they didn't have them in the store so I like ordered them.

[A]

Perfect.

[B]

Never. Yeah, like a nice, like a high end pair of socks. Whatever they were.

[A]

I think that's great.

[B]

You.

[A]

You took note of something they said. Let me act on that note. Yes, that's the move. I, I wrote down a few ideas. Hospital worker, good sneakers, nice scrubs. A nice dinner snack for the hospital. A big Santa to come in and carol all the nurses in his department and embarrass him a little bit. That'd be fun. On like a night shift.

[B]

A cameo from Jared Freed.

[A]

I'll, I'll, I'll throw you a cameo. I'm not. I gotta react. They keep emailing me. They're like, can you re up your cameo? I'm like, who would want such a thing? Hey everybody, it's me, Jared from New Year's. I'm alone and I'm about to guy looking miserable. Yeah, I look miserable at the bar. Hannah Burner's cousin says I'm the most miserable guy in Delray Beach. Yeah.

[B]

Annual subscription to you a podcast there.

[A]

You go to subscribe. So yeah, I think all those gifts, I think like that whole coupon thing that's like been made fun of to death. Like here's a coupon for you know that could be cute. But I think like they like giving gifts. I, I think I'm. An important part of this email is letting the person know I love giving gifts. Like it makes me feel good and I about you.

[B]

This is about to anyone.

[A]

Right?

[B]

I would give it to anyone.

[A]

Anyone. Anyone that I have been naked with would get one of these gifts.

[B]

Or if you want to tie them in to another month with you, you can get them an experience Gift.

[A]

There you go.

[B]

Concert or comedy show or something.

[A]

Well, experience gift to me. It should come within the amount of time you've been dating already.

[B]

Agreed.

[A]

So you've been dating a month. It's got to be within a month of when you give the gift. You've been dating two months. It's got to be within two months. There you go. There's a. There's a rule for you. Let's do another email. Thanks again to Uber Eats for sponsoring the show. You're not a bad gifter. You just need a little help. And that's where Uber Eats comes in with their Send as a gift feature. You can deliver your favorite items and add a video from a lineup of holiday helpers. Megan the Stallion, the Jonas Brothers, Jake Shane or Tracy Ellis Ross. Everyone gets something they'll love and you get all the credit. Oh. Start gifting now with Uber Eats C app for details. This is a great option.

[B]

What a great gift.

[A]

What a great way to send a gift. You know, now it's not just an Uber Eats driver showing up. It's a video, it's a card. It's given in a different way. They've thought of all of it.

[B]

They make everything so easy. I love UberEats.

[A]

Let's do another email. You ready?

[B]

I'm ready.

[A]

Or picky? We love icky or picky. Are you dating? You're dating someone, you get the ick. Is it reasonable to get the ick or are you being picky? Longtime listener, first time writer. Thank you for giving me something to look forward to every Wednesday and Friday. I love the podcast. Congrats on the move, Jared. And on the two new additions to your family, Jordana. I'll get right into it. I'm a 27 year old single woman in New York who generally avoids dating app. But winter holiday season makes IRL harder. I redownloaded hinge and matched with a 29 year old PhD student who seemed nice, smart and attractive. Beige flag number one came before the date. The essay length, WhatsApp messages. I mentioned a fire drill at work and got pages back. Screenshots attached. Feel free to summarize. I managed to lock down a time and place and politely shut down the convo for the weekend. My roommates asked why I'd go out with someone who text novellas and suggested meeting on a random street corner in the East Village. Beige flag number two. I figured maybe the texting was cultural. He's Brazilian and since he was over six feet, I gave it a shot. The date was okay. He was nice and asked some questions, but someone truly needs to hand this man a podcast. He repeated himself about his PhD and work from home schedule, lectured on Brazil versus US culture. Educational, sure. And then spent 15 minutes detailing the seven times he was pickpocketed. I think by the sixth time you're pickpocketed, it's a little on you. So you probably right. Maybe you're.

[B]

What are you like dangling your phone against like on your lap?

[A]

Right. It's crazy. Maybe your pockets look too full. Maybe you need less tight jeans. I smiled through it all. So I was shocked when he ended the date after one drink to go home and work, but still asked to see me again after Thanksgiving. I know connections take time, but meeting someone more talkative than me and I'm very extroverted gave me the ick. So icky or picky? He talks a lot and sends paragraph texts. Do I give him a second date? My gut says no. And I may just be at Jared's Valentine's Eve show in nyc. Solo text from the date. All right, we ready?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

All right, I'll be him, you be her. Go ahead.

[B]

Hey. It's kind of crazy tbh dealing with some fire drills at work. Upside down smiley face. Hopefully yours is better. Lol. You have class today.

[A]

Oh wow. Haha. These are a pain. Often has them and it's always chaos for everybody to go down. Sometimes professors just ignore them. Lol. And then he responds to hopefully yours is better. You have class today? Yes, just had one. I have a relatively small course load, three classes each. Only has one session, two hours per week so I just go from Tuesday to Thursday two hours each day. Often PhD students candidates can stay the whole day working on their own research there because we have offices. But I always love working from home home lol. So tend to go back right after class unless there is a seminar I want to attend every day. There are seminars for professors and PhD students, but I only go to the ones that interest me. There's always lunch in the seminars, great caterers in Greenwich Village or the West Village, but not even that is sufficient to make me stay after class unless I really want to go to the seminar because of who is presenting. Also you said you could meet next Monday or Tuesday. For me, Tuesday would be better if you can. Man, that made me want to never date ever again.

[B]

I don't even know what he was saying.

[A]

Did you know he's a PhD student?

[B]

I mean she asked.

[A]

He I. He. She did ask.

[B]

She asked if he had class today.

[A]

I mean by the end of that I was like, yeah, I mean, listen.

[B]

If he said this in person, it would be more normal. This is the kind of thing where it's like, would it be normal? Summary. Maybe if someone like you're make. You're kind of. It's funny because it's kind of like what's the healthy medium. You don't want someone who's like giving you one word answers.

[A]

Right.

[B]

But you also don't want a 500 word personal essay.

[A]

So he didn't ask one. But he gave so many details about his own life. The caterer. There's amazing restaurants here.

[B]

But it's a little self centered.

[A]

Right. He didn't at any point go, what did you have for lunch? You know, they had this great caterer for the. I don't know. There's just like enough dude.

[B]

Yeah. I mean, there is something annoying about someone who's speaking to hear themselves speak.

[A]

Right. If anyone was to become a PhD person, this guy, I mean, good for him.

[B]

He's in the right. Well, here's the thing. Someone might like this. Maybe it's not her. I mean, I guess they could say that about all here pickies. I wouldn't say it. The, the biggest red. To me, the biggest red flag or deal breaker is asking to meet on a street corner.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

I wouldn't like that.

[A]

Right? I, I think.

[B]

Have you ever done that?

[A]

I have. I've definitely been like, meet me on this corner. Well, with the idea of like we're gonna go to this place and I've had it not work out. I've had it work out. I guess like icky or picky. She says, we went on a date. He never shut up. Didn't really ask me questions. I don't really like him. He's now asking me out again. Should I go out again?

[B]

That's not even what she's saying. She's like. Or say, well, she's basically. To me, she's basically saying like, I don't like him. Should I go out with him again?

[A]

Right. This is why the ick exists. Like, there's a lot of blame put on men who do these icky things. My response to a lot of the women who are like, and can you believe it? He bent down to tie his shoes and he did it. Bunny ears. It's like, no. You kept convincing yourself to keep going out with this person who you didn't like, hoping for different results after doing the same thing every time. That's the definition of insanity. And finally you got broken by a guy who said yummers after he ate the dessert. And you go, that's it. Can you believe he would say yummers? And it's like nowhere in your explanation do you say, the first date was kind of meh. And I didn't really like him, but he asked me out, so that's why I got to yummers.

[B]

Right. You know, and there's got to be a little ownership.

[A]

Right. You. It's okay not to feel connection with someone.

[B]

Yes. And I think a lot of women feel like they need to be like, they don't want to throw away a good 6 foot tall Brazilian guy. So they're like, they need to be told that he's. They need to be validated that he's a monster by us.

[A]

Right. I think. Right, Right. I think there's, I think he's 6 foot and a Brazilian is a great reason to go on a first date. I think it's a really bad reason to go on a second date.

[B]

Yes. Like when the first date was not. You didn't enjoy. She didn't enjoy herself.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Basically, like what I would ask myself is, did I enjoy this first date? It sounds like from the way she's describing it, no. Right?

[A]

So now it becomes right. It becomes this like decision tree. Right. The decision tree starts at, I matched with a six foot Brazilian dude on hinge. And it's really tough to meet people IRL during this time of year in the northeast. Fine. Okay. For that reason, I'm going on the date now. The second date isn't just 6 foot Brazilian. It's cold out.

[B]

That's.

[A]

Yeah, it's different now. Now it becomes I have a 6 foot tall hot Brazilian who doesn't take any interest in my life and never shuts up on the date. Do I want to go out with him again? Again? This is a mathematical equation. If you can handle listening to this guy Talk about PhD and catering at the seminars, then go out with them again. But don't come back to us and go, can you believe this loser wouldn't shut up about himself? Yes, I can believe it. You said that happened day one.

[B]

Right. And you were okay with it enough to go out again.

[A]

Right? You were, you know, six foot tall, hot Brazilian outweighed horrible conversationalist. And that's okay. But this is why the ick exists is then you're looking for other ways to vilify a guy. Because look at, I just picked my nose. Okay? So I just picked my nose. If I was on a date with Someone who was already turned off by me, and then they went home after the date, and they're like, the minute Jared picked his nose, I was out. That wouldn't really be a fair way to describe why you didn't want to date me. Because the fair way would be we went on a date and Jared really wasn't my cup of tea. And then, can you believe he picked his nose? He's a disgusting pig. I guess you could say that. But, yeah, Right now you're just doing that to, like, bury me, right?

[B]

Well, you're doing that to justify why you would throw away a guy that seems like a good catch that you, you know, on paper, might want to date.

[A]

Right. Or the. The group would want to date. And I think this is the problem with female dating. Not to sound like the worst Joe Rogan guest ever, but the problem with what I realized from this podcast specifically is so many women are caught up on, like, doing it right by this tribunal of women that doesn't exist. Like, should I go out with them? Am I. Am I oak. They're basically asking this invisible tribunal of women if it's okay to have their own feelings. And it's like, you're okay to say, I didn't feel great after the first date. Not, I can't believe he's asking me out. What should I do? It's like, you already decided.

[B]

Yeah. I mean, obviously, there's a line of, like, you'll know when something is a universal deal breaker. This isn't it.

[A]

No, this is.

[B]

You don't like this. You're. You're not a fan of this guy's personality.

[A]

Universal deal breaker is like, you know what gave me the ick? When he told a waitress to go himselves because they brought our food out late. It's like, yeah, yeah, that's.

[B]

Yeah. Okay. Everyone will give you permission if you need. If you still needed someone else to tell you that it was. Oh, that.

[A]

Right.

[B]

You shouldn't go out again. Here we are. Right?

[A]

So listen, we solve dating again.

[B]

We did it.

[A]

We did it.

[B]

Back next week.

[A]

Boom.

[B]

Right? Batches.