Coming Clean to My Ex

Summary

VIEWS with David Dobrik & Jason Nash

Episode: Coming Clean to My Ex
Release Date: September 24, 2025

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Overview

This lively episode plunges listeners behind the scenes of YouTube superstar David Dobrik and co-host Jason Nash’s lives, blending comedic confessions, pop culture deep-dives, and candid storytelling. The spotlight is on outrageous party antics, viral YouTube bits, and a remarkably revealing listener call-in segment where a jaw-dropping college confession unfolds in real time. Authentic, irreverent, and refreshingly self-deprecating, the crew leans all the way into their signature blend of intimacy and absurdity.

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Main Segments & Highlights

1. Starting Up: Vlogs, Stunts, and Firemen

[01:07 – 05:12]

• The team reunites fresh off posting a big vlog, still running on adrenaline.
• Alex Ernst returns, reprising his running birthday candle bit for Vardon—but this year with a fire truck, sledgehammer, and literal “flood team” on standby.
• Detailed logistics are recounted, including prepping Susie’s room, the comedy in expecting a flood response before damage, and the firemen’s barely disguised enthusiasm for property destruction.
• Notable banter:
  • Jason on the fireman: “You could see there was a little piece of him that was like, man, I could go do this for a living.” [03:12]
  • David: “It’s really funny when they get there. But the bit’s not done. Like, the bit hasn’t started yet, so it’s like they’re there, almost like they predicted a flood.” [02:39]

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2. Boob Jobs, Gossip, and Paris Hilton's Party

[05:13 – 13:41]

• Natalie addresses persistent rumors about surgery after her absence (quickly veering into a hilarious bit about ovarian cyst cover stories and the rules of police interrogation).
• The crew describes experiencing Paris Hilton’s extravagant housewarming party in Mark Wahlberg’s former $90 million estate.
• Discussion on Paris Hilton’s legacy, her tabloid heyday, and 2000s celebrity culture.
• Paris’s unique touch: the party transitions into an exclusive dance session, with her personally DJing and using quirky pre-recorded “ad breaks” to thank brands.
• Quote:
  • David: “You don’t realize she’s actually really rich... She’s part of the Hilton family. Like the Hilton Hotel collection.” [08:19]
  • Natalie: “She just feels like her own individual.” [08:26]
• Narratives of celebrity “feuds,” especially the infamous “fire crotch” incident between Paris, Lindsay Lohan, and others.

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3. Surprising Vardon: Tesla vs. The Mystery Box

[16:05 – 18:24]

• Back to vlog bits: David and Alex set up a prank where Vardon, a fan-favorite, must choose between a Tesla and a mystery box (containing only a note: “You should have kept the Tesla”).
• Family dynamics (Vardon’s mom pleading for the Tesla), production stress, layers of psychological mischief, and behind-the-scenes perspective drive the comedy.
• Quote:
  • David: “It was the most amount of reverse psychology or mental warfare I’ve ever had to play with anybody in my entire life.” [17:15]

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4. The Costco Guys and Social Media Fame

[18:26 – 19:41]

• The "Costco guys" appear in a new bit, executing their influencer shtick with real professionalism.
• Social media interactions blur with real-life fan requests for tailored videos—likened to “the Disney World of social media experiences.”
• Quote:
  • David: “They understand the joke of it and everything... It was the most amazing thing.” [18:46]

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5. The Sperm Race Bit: Oversharing, Science, and Comedy

[20:01 – 25:56]

• A Vlog Squad “sperm race,” motivated by Zane, becomes an event: samples are collected, “top sperm” digitally raced, and the results integrate both sincere competition and off-the-wall humor.
• Hilarious behind-the-scenes details about collecting the samples, failed ideas (cum slime? No thanks), and the complicated logistics.
• Harry Jowsey’s sperm takes an early lead but veers off course, letting Ilya snag victory; Jason’s sperm finishes… nine minutes later than everyone else.
• Memorable confession:
  • Jason: “Jason’s wife was there and she was like, ‘sometimes when you come on my arm, it ends up on my neck. It just travels so quickly.’” [23:46]
  • David: “Once the first drop hits, it’s game over. Just fucking let it go.” [50:32]

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6. Real Talk: Memory Loss & Friendship Reboots

[25:56 – 28:00]

• The crew ponders hypotheticals: if someone lost all memory, what unique trait or memory would ‘prove’ their bond?
• David jokes about knowing specific (sometimes intimate) details.
• Anecdotes on ordering food, Natalie’s love for sandwiches, and little things that make people unmistakable to their close friends.
• Quote:
  • David: “Yo, your mom’s really hard to talk to. And then you’re like, oh my God.” [27:46]

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7. Car Culture: Hot Girls, Asshole Drivers, and Road Rage

[29:16 – 32:48]

• Opinions on which cars attract the most “hot girls” (white Tesla Model Y) and which have the “biggest asshole drivers” (BMW).
• Reflections on road rage, David’s unflappable attitude, and how to deal with aggressive drivers.
• Notable exchange:
  • Jason: “If I ever get cut off in traffic... it’s always a BMW. A white one.” [30:55]
  • David: “I love people with road rage... people that get angry during the day about small things and they’re being serious are not real humans.” [31:15]

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8. Jonah’s Hollywood Shuffle (Fake It Till You Make It)

[32:55 – 36:05]

• David roasts friend Jonah for hyping nonexistent movie deals—falling for “David Spade is in! No wait, Mark Wahlberg now!” as he cycles through rumored celebrity attachments.
• Jason draws parallels to real Hollywood tactics: “a little bit of lying until you get what you want... promises to one person that another is involved.”
• Quote:
  • Jason: “In Hollywood, you kind of—it’s always a little bit of faking till you make it.” [34:41]

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9. [Listener Call] Jesse’s Infamous Public “Pooping” Incident

[37:18 – 47:14]

• [37:35] — The Main Event: David calls listener Jesse, whose direct message promised a public ‘pooping’ story so wild it left jaws on the floor.
• She describes running back to a hotel from brunch at a college formal, failing to make it in time, stashing her soiled clothes in a potted plant, and fooling everyone—including her then-date (now estranged).
• Following encouragement, Jesse calls her ex live on air to come clean. The twist: he already knew about both the plant and another futon “accident,” and holds no grudge.
• Memorable moments:
  • Jesse: “So I dug up the mulch, shoved my pants and underwear [in the potted plant], and right as I pulled on my shorts my date walks in.” [40:07]
  • Ex (reacting live): “I do… I’ve never been able to look at this from the outside perspective. Like, you just are just, like, peeing and pooping all over, like, all my stuff.” [46:36]
  • David: “This is incredible that he knew this entire time… he just accepted you for this.” [47:01]

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10. Squad Confessions: Natalie’s Own “Pee Story”

[48:06 – 50:36]

• Natalie recounts an LA night out: unable to hold it after a long car ride to a club, she ends up peeing herself while running down Sunset Boulevard.
• The mortification, escape via an unregistered Mercedes, and the relief at not being caught.
• David draws sympathetic parallels (the moment you realize you can’t stop peeing).
• Quote:
  • Natalie: “I booked it out of that Tesla down the street. And as I’m running, I am just peeing myself all the way down the sidewalk.” [49:06]

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Notable Quotes & Timestamps

• David, on being recognized in the middle of a prank:
  “It’s the Disney World of social media experiences.” [19:36]
• Natalie, on hype and social media perceptions:
  “She just feels like her own individual.” [08:26]
• Jason, on collecting sperm samples:
  “Me and Ilya had sex. Harry didn’t… Not with each other.” [22:13]
• David, on letting go (literally):
  “Once the first drop hits, it’s game over. Just fucking let it go.” [50:32]
• Jesse’s ex, unfazed:
  “It happens to the best of us. We’ve all been there.” [46:12]
• Natalie, post-peeing:
  “My pants are soaked. I could not hold it any longer.” [49:06]

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Closing Thoughts

The episode is a candid mix of hilarious behind-the-scenes YouTube stories, nostalgic takes on ’00s tabloid drama, and some of the rawest listener confessions yet. From birthday stunts and outrageous bodily function stories to friendly mockery and the reality of Hollywood “fake it till you make it” culture, David, Jason, and the gang continue to serve up intimate, offbeat, and surprisingly heartwarming moments.

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Key Timestamps for Skimmers

• Fire Truck Bit with Alex Ernst: [01:53 – 03:27]
• Paris Hilton Party: [06:07 – 11:20]
• Vardon’s Tesla Mystery Box: [16:05 – 18:24]
• Sperm Race Bit: [20:05 – 25:56]
• Car Stereotype Debate: [29:16 – 32:48]
• Listener Call: Jesse’s Story: [37:35 – 47:14]
• Natalie’s “Pee Story”: [48:06 – 50:36]

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Whether you’re here for reckless YouTube bits, wild celebrity parties, relentless banter, or the sheer, unfiltered humanity of “coming clean” to an ex, this episode is classic VIEWS—raunchy, sincere, and unmistakably real.

Transcript

[A]

This podcast is supported by FX's English teacher. Last year's critically acclaimed series returns to follow Evan, Gwen and Markie as they vie for their students divided attention. See why Cosmopolitan called its premiere season a masterclass of comedy, while Glamor raved it's the year's funniest and most heartwarming new comedy series. FX's English Teacher returns September 25th on FX. All episodes streaming on Hulu.

[B]

At New Balance, we believe if you.

[C]

Run, you're a runner.

[A]

However you choose to do it.

[D]

Because when you're not worried about doing.

[C]

Things the right way.

[B]

You'Re free to discover your way. And that's what running is all about.

[D]

Run your [e-mail] running.

[A]

Views.

[D]

What's up, guys? Welcome back to Views. It's been a minute. It's been a week, dude. When the. When the week Views episode passes by. Yeah, it feels like a long time.

[A]

What was that sentence you just concocted? When a week Views episode.

[B]

Can we go from Thursday to Tuesday?

[D]

And we go from Thursday to Tuesday. It feels like a long time.

[A]

Oh, yeah, yeah. You missed us.

[D]

No, I'm just saying it's been a long time. No, it's been the best five days, but it's been a long time. No, but when we do Tuesday and Thursday, it's just like if we're recording today, then we'll probably be recording later today for the next pod. So it just feels like it's.

[A]

We'll be up and running.

[D]

It's jam packed. Just posted a vlog, so we're all feeling a little bit fresh.

[A]

Hell, yeah.

[D]

It's all behind us, which is really exciting.

[B]

Adrenaline is high.

[D]

This one was a doozy.

[A]

A lot went into it. Big stunts, a lot of intra.

[D]

Big action sequences.

[A]

The return of Alex Ernst.

[D]

Yeah, Alex was really fun. We filmed, you know, the classic bit with him with the candles and Vardon's birthday. That was fun.

[A]

Explain it to people if they don't know what it is.

[D]

Well, it's this bit where Alex always comes in and he, like, he blows out Alex's or blows out Vardon's candles. And like, I think it's been escalating over the years. So I always wanted to do like a fire truck thing. So we had the fire station come out and help us out, which is really sick. They brought the fire truck. Alex had a practice with the hose for a little bit. And initially we thought the hose would break through the window by itself, but it didn't. So then Alex got the sledgehammer Broke through the window and then blew out Vardon's candles. It was a really good time. And we use Susie's room.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

As, like, the room to do it. And, like, you know, obviously, we, like, tarp the room. And we had, like, cleaners waiting, like, on standby. We had a flood team on standby. So, like. So it's really funny because you get, like, we. We call a company that, like, helps your houses after it floods, and it's, like, really funny when they get there. But the bit's not done. Like, the bit hasn't started yet, so it's like they're there almost like they predicted a flood.

[A]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[D]

Like, they're there before. Like, normally people call them because they don't know a flood's happening and then their house is fucked. But it's just funny to have, like, a flood team on standby when the room gets flooded from the fire hose.

[A]

It was funny when the firefighters were instructing Alex on how to break the window. You could see there was a little piece of him that was like, man, I could go do this for a living. I think the fire guy. Yeah, he was.

[D]

Yes.

[A]

He's like, you want to hit this side of the axe? You want to hit this part of the glass?

[D]

No, no, no, no. The fire guy was definitely, like, excited.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[D]

He was like, this is, like, this is something fun.

[A]

Yeah, he wanted to do it.

[D]

Yeah. He's like, does Alex need to do this, or should I be doing this? And then we went to go film with Big, big, Big justice and AJ which was really fun.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

Well, what about it?

[B]

No, nothing.

[D]

Costco guys took a deep breath.

[B]

I was just breathing.

[D]

Really do. I think Nelly's dying? I'm not even kidding.

[A]

Why don't you let her go out and have a couple days to herself? She just did a big vlog, bro.

[D]

She's always. Please don't encourage this.

[A]

I think it's a time.

[D]

Please don't encourage this.

[A]

She posted the vlog. Why don't you go? Go now. Go now.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Take off.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

We'll handle this.

[B]

Really? I can leave?

[D]

You get one hour. You're gonna let me leave? Oh, my God, dude, I let me leave all the time. Here's the thing.

[B]

You literally give me a Please leave.

[D]

Please leave. Listeners are like, yes, give it a break. Give it a break.

[B]

I survived my surgery, by the way. If anybody was wondering, my tits are also.

[D]

Why are you bringing it up if you don't want to talk about it?

[B]

Well, because you already brought it up. It's already a thing. There's people that are texting our friends, being like, where did she go for her boob job? I'm looking for a recommendation.

[D]

Everyone's curious, but apparently it's not a boob job.

[B]

Apparently.

[D]

And then I went. I went to her because I've been trying to get this out of her for a really long time.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

I'm like, okay, fuck it. Like we were.

[B]

You tried to dupe me?

[D]

Yeah, I tried to dupe her. I was like, you know, your friend Emma told me about your ovarian. Yeah.

[A]

You did it.

[D]

I was like. I was like, your friend. I was like, emma told me about your ovarian cyst. And Natalie goes, that fucking bitch. That bitch. She told you? And I'm like, yeah. I mean, I don't know why you're hiding an ovarian cyst from me. I have no idea what an ovarian cyst is.

[A]

You had an ovarian cyst?

[B]

No. No. But it's funny, because I had told.

[D]

She didn't tell Emma the real thing either. She told Emma that she got no variances. So I guessed the lie.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh. You know, that's illegal in interrogation.

[D]

Really?

[A]

Yes. To lie to someone else.

[B]

It's so illegal. And I was so.

[D]

Wait, specify.

[A]

So, like, in interrogation, like, if I. You're up for a murder, I can't go in there and say, you know, Natalie said you did it.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

You can't do that.

[D]

Really?

[A]

You can't do that. Yeah. You used to be able to do.

[B]

That unless the person actually said it. Yeah.

[D]

Wow.

[A]

That's illegal.

[D]

Okay. So it can't be a cop.

[A]

That's dirty.

[B]

But you are.

[D]

Yeah, that's. Yeah.

[C]

Dirty.

[D]

Dirty, dirty cop. Yeah. That's crazy. But. So I got it kind of out of her, I guess. They're right on the nose.

[B]

I was pissed, too. I was like, this little bit.

[D]

Yeah. Yeah. She's really, really.

[A]

She coughed it up. What do you have? Are you okay?

[B]

Am I undisclosed?

[D]

I can't believe you're not going to tell anybody. You should keep this a secret, man. What is it? What? Could it be pregnant? I don't know. Maybe. No. So this happened at. Natalie and I went to Paris Hilton's housewarming party. Oh, fun.

[B]

Swington Manor.

[D]

Yeah. Which is fucking insane. She. I think it's Mark Wahlberg's old house.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

$90 million house.

[B]

Insane.

[D]

Insane in a gated community. It was like walking into Coachell. It was. I couldn't believe how Beautiful. It was. And she has, like this. The house is like. It's like this old manor. It's like an old estate, right? Natalie, please, can you stop doing that? I'm literally. I'm gonna smack you.

[B]

I don't like flies.

[D]

I've never felt the urge to literally hit Natalie. This fly's been in this room for four hours. Every time it comes by her, she gets fucking shocked. Like it's a sparrow landing on her nose.

[B]

I just don't.

[D]

She literally jolts. She goes. She goes. She thinks that I'm like, natalie. Like, I've. I've. I've literally jumped because she's made these crazy sounds. And I just get so aggravated. I go, natalie, fucking please.

[B]

But it's flying, like, literally straight.

[D]

That's what they fucking do, man. I know, but we already had our fly episode. We can't go back into it. We just talked about.

[A]

Yeah, you want to know what the flies want? What do you want? What do you want, fly?

[D]

It is getting pretty pathetic here. That's the only, like, the only insect problem we have here is, like, a serious fly problem.

[B]

Yeah, because somebody leaves his fucking lunch in every room splayed out.

[D]

David. Somebody. Natalie, what do you mean? You have fucking breadcrumbs literally oozing down your chin right now.

[B]

I honestly might. So that's rude.

[A]

Fly thing is very simple. You just shut the doors.

[D]

Yeah, that's tough. Cause I really like outdoor indoor living.

[A]

Yeah, you're getting it. You had a lizard in here last week, but yeah.

[D]

So back to Paris Hilton's. She has this, like, old estate kind of vibe. And like, at the top, she has, you know, like a little attic window. Yeah, it's very cute. Like a little, like, princessy pink glossy window. It has a big pea on it for Paris Hilton.

[B]

Yeah. A little custom stained glass window.

[D]

It's really crazy because you don't. You don't realize she's actually really rich.

[B]

David was saying that when we were there. He was like. I was like, telling him about. I don't know, whatever I was saying the price of the house or something like that. And he was like, really? I was like, you realize she's, like the heir to, like, a billion dollar fortune. Multi. Billion dollar fortune.

[A]

And plus everything she made, too.

[B]

And herself.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[D]

Like, I don't, like, realize that, like, when, like, she's. She's part of the Hilton family. Like the Hilton Hotel collection.

[B]

Yeah. She just feels like her own individual.

[D]

Like, she feels like, so. Her own.

[A]

Yeah. Do you guys remember when she Was like, in the tabloids and, like, coming up. It was crazy.

[D]

Well, I don't know much about that. What happened?

[A]

It'd just be like, you'd open Us Weekly, and it'd be like, her and Nicole Richie, like, they're out drunk.

[D]

Oh, really?

[C]

The tabloids loved it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. The paparazzi videos of them, like, drunk leaving the club was like. Like, the vlogs were when we would drunk leave a club. But, like, we were on YouTube. She was like, in Us Weekly, in People magazine.

[D]

Oh, it must have been really funny.

[B]

So crazy.

[D]

She didn't give a. She been amazing to vlog with.

[A]

Amazing. She was 21, 22. You know, something like that.

[D]

I can't believe she that age at one point. She looks like she's 21, 22 now.

[B]

Yeah, she does.

[D]

So it's hard for me to believe. Wow.

[B]

She's so funny.

[D]

She's also the life of the party now, dude.

[B]

Yeah. Oh, my gosh.

[D]

Yeah, she, like. There was like, a. So, like, parts of the house would open up as the party went on.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

And like, at like, 11, when the party was supposed to end, we got there at, like, 10:30. We're like, we're gonna stop by.

[B]

Everyone's still there.

[D]

Natalie and I are like, in our old people era. So we're just. Yeah. Swing by, say hello. And then I'm asking her, I'm like, oh, yeah, this is shutting down. Eleven, huh? And then everyone around me like, are you nuts?

[A]

It's the Paris Hilton party.

[D]

We were going all night.

[C]

And I'm like.

[D]

And I was like, really dead from. We shot the bit with Alex Ernst that. That night. So I was like. Natalie was covered in. In fire extinguisher. Yeah. We were, like, on our fucking deathbed because we were so tired from shooting that bit. But. Yeah. So at 11, like, another part of the house opened up, and it was like this beautiful day. It's a gorgeous house, a beautiful dance floor. No one was on the dance floor until Paris came and, like, kind of like went in between the backyard and the. And the inside of the floor, and she just started. She started running around in a circle and dancing, just like jumping up and down, almost like, as the kids would call it, aura farming. And like, she, like. She, like. She. Like the circle she was making in her little dance circle. She was, like, creating her own gravitational force and brought people, like, from. From all around the party, from the edges of the backyard to her. And then she collectively moved everyone onto the dance floor. And then she, like, went for It. And then, like, everybody was on the dance floor. Everybody was dancing. The music was going, and she was DJing. She played some songs.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

And it was really funny. Like, right when we got there at, like, 10:30, there was. The music was playing, and then it cut out. Almost like a Spotify ad break or it was like a commercial. And it was Paris Voice. And I was like, I just want to say thank you, everyone, for coming to my party. Thank you to Carl's Jr. Mm. So hot. She was, like, thanking all the brands that were there. And she was like. And make sure to cop my. It was, like, really funny. Yeah, because it was, like, at her house, but it felt like.

[B]

I don't know, honestly, we should take note. We should do a little ad break during our party and just plug all the.

[D]

No, it was amazing. I mean.

[A]

Hey, it's David.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Don't forget about Dobriks.

[D]

Yeah. It only works because Paris Hilton did it.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[D]

I mean, it was. Yeah, it's pretty. Pretty badass. But she's. She's really crushing it. Wait, tell me more about this tabloid thing. I'm kind of, like, curious. Like, did she. Wait, this is what she was. She's like, what?

[A]

She was so big.

[B]

She was young. She was, like, 19. And she'd be at the clubs, like.

[A]

Yeah, people did not give a 19.

[B]

She'd be, like, underage with the clubs. But there was, like, her iconic paparazzi.

[D]

That's how we were too. We were 19, 20 at the time.

[B]

No. Yeah, I know. It's very normal. But it's just funny because she was doing it, like, on such a.

[D]

In a public way, and the clubs didn't care. Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. And. But her iconic paparazzi moment was, I think, when her and Lindsay had, like, a falling out. Her and Lindsay Lohan. It was her. Lindsay Lohan and Nicole Richie and Britney Spears. They were like the fucking. I don't know what you say for four people, but trifecta, Dick posse, Foursome. They were the ultimate foursome. Yeah. But then her and Lindsay had some sort of falling out. I don't remember why. And they were all kind of dating this, like, billionaire guy, and he would go out with them. And so apparently, like, he. This billionaire guy, like, slept with Lindsay Lohan. And then Paris, that night at the club was like, fuck Lindsay. She has a fire crotch. You remember that?

[A]

Oh, right. Fire crotch.

[B]

Fire crotch was, like, huge because she was talking about Lindsay's, like, vagina drunk, getting into a car, just like. And her publicist, this older man was always with her, like, trying to wrangle her behind. I mean, it was like, the most classic, like, 2000s. I mean. Yeah. That's why she's.

[D]

That could be, like. That gives me, like, Stas vibes.

[B]

Totally.

[D]

Like, Stas Kelsey. I mean, that's like. That's like every. Every time if any of those girls got into a fight, like, it was, like, fun. Like, there was, like, some good job, and they'd make up, like, a week later. Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

Wait, did Lindsay Lohan in Paris? Obviously, they made up at one point, but, like, was that, like, a thing where they, like, had to make up?

[B]

It was definitely a thing for a while. Yeah.

[D]

Isn't that crazy that, like. Like, we talk. Most influencers, 80% of them all talk through their own platforms.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Like, isn't that crazy like, being like, somebody at that time? Like, you're just, like, your platform is whoever just happens to be out on the street recording you. That's a paparazzi that day. Like, is a tabloid tmz. Like, that's so.

[B]

And that's how they communicate with each other. They wouldn't. Like, Lindsay and Paris, like, wouldn't text each other. They'd have TMZ or people, whoever, like, come record and be like, yeah, Paris are calling me. You know, just like, that's how they would communicate. So crazy. So entertaining.

[D]

Really funny. And they. They probably were both in on it. This episode is brought to you guys by Prize Picks. You and I make decisions every day, but on price picks, being right can get you paid. Don't miss any of the excitement this season on price picks, where it's good to be right, guys. If you get the app and you use code views, you're going to get $50 in lineups after you play your first $5 lineup. For those of you who don't really understand, I also didn't get it initially, but now I'm, like, totally hooked. You basically take a player. So let me give you an example. Like, Josh Allen, he's a quarterback, right? So an option will be, like, a pick will be more or less than 270 pass yards.

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Right.

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So then, Jay, you'll play, like, 20 bucks, either hoping that he's either going to get more than 270 pass yards or less.

[A]

Right. It's much more advanced than just.

[D]

And it's more specific.

[A]

Yeah, more specific. Just like, doesn't. Doesn't rely on the game or the spread of the game. Yeah.

[D]

It's like, who wins? It's like, o. I have a feeling I've been watching Josh Allen. I think he's gonna have a good game no matter what, even if they lose. So even if your team loses, Josh Allen could still win as a player.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Yeah. And then you're really off to the right.

[A]

It makes it super fun because if the game is going on and you're. Yeah, you're analyzing Josh Allen is losing. He still have a chance to win.

[D]

Yeah, you're analyzing it more, too. It's kind of fun. It gets you involved more. And don't forget to check out this week's Max Discount, where Patrick Mahomes just needs half a passing yard for you to win. Download the app today and use code views and to get $50 in lineups after you play your first $5 lineup. So again, guys, code views to get 50 bucks in lineups after you play your FIRST $5 lineup. Price picks. It's good to be right. I'm Christian McCaffrey, pro running back, and Abercrombie is an official fashion partner of the NFL. I'm not kidding when I say NFL by Abercrombie. Broke the Internet last year, and I think this season's lineup is even cooler. And so does my wife, who keeps stealing all my hoodies. Stay fit for the season. And Abercrombie's newest arrival shop NFL by Abercrombie in the app, online and in store.

[A]

Luke says hello. Just writing because David said on our previous podcast, within the last two months, if he yawns again, someone reach out and say that he yawned again because he wanted to see how long it would be. And I think it was about one or two months only.

[D]

Okay.

[A]

He yawned at the end of Thursday's pod.

[D]

I remember that. Yeah, I actually caught it when I yawned.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Yeah, that's really funny.

[A]

Good old Luke.

[D]

Luke, thank you so much for that update.

[A]

That's fucking great.

[D]

I was very curious. Oh, Jay.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Some of the most fun I had was filming this vlog bit for when we gave Vardon the Tesla.

[A]

Yeah, came out great.

[D]

Yeah, it came out great. So this was. So it was Alex's idea for the bit. It was really funny. It was. He wanted to give Alex a Tesla, but at the end he wanted to give him the option to get a mystery box instead. So he could. Vardon could either keep the Tesla or open the mystery box. And he gets to keep with whatever's inside. And Alex was like, inside should be a piece of paper that says you should have kept the Tesla.

[A]

Right.

[D]

And I'm like, alex, it's hilarious. Let's do it. And then Alex started to get nervous. Alex is like, well, what if he decides to keep the Tesla? And I'm like, there's absolutely no way that Vardon is gonna keep the Tesla. There's no way on planet Earth that he's gonna keep it. Cause he's like a kid that's like on the Internet all the time. Like, you're gonna want to grab the mystery box. And I've given out so many Teslas. Like, right. Even just for the plot. I feel like he'll wan gave Vardon a car last year, which he crashed. It's currently sitting in the garage. It's missing rims now because he crashed into a curb. So, like, I was like, he's not gonna want to take the Tesla. But then we surprised him with the Tesla.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

And it looked like he was gonna take the Tesla for a while. No.

[A]

Yeah. His mom was there saying, take Tesla.

[D]

Yeah, his. That's what we didn't account for, his mom being there. If Fernando was there, it would have gone in a second. But it was all. It was just the most. It was the most amount of reverse psychology or mental warfare I've ever had to play with anybody in my entire life.

[A]

Yeah. Like, and the sun was setting.

[D]

The sun was setting. Losing the light, which actually kind of helped us, cuz it put pressure on Vardon.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

But I was like, okay. Vardon, like, right when he chose the Tesla, I'm like, great, let's open that box. And then immediately is like, wait, what? No, no. So what's in the box? Wait. And then he started rethinking it. Yeah. It was a big. That was. Were you worried that he's gonna choose the Tesla?

[A]

Yeah, I was, yeah. Yeah.

[B]

That's why I was in the corner.

[D]

Like, take the.

[B]

Or take the box.

[D]

Open the box. Take the box. Take the box. It was a really, really difficult thing to.

[B]

And then he blamed it on me entirely. Even though he made it.

[A]

Yeah. That's so funny. He's blaming it on you. It's like David did it mad at Natalie.

[B]

I did give him like, I locked eyes with him and I was like. I just gave him a nice nod.

[D]

It was a really difficult thing to like, to like, navigate because you wanted to give him like just the right amount of breadcrumbs.

[A]

Right.

[D]

He was like talking about how he.

[A]

Yeah, I like the Costco guys. I thought they were so great.

[D]

The Costco guys. They're incredible.

[A]

I thought they were so good. They came in. They're like so professional.

[D]

Yeah. And they're, like, so, like, into. They're just good at what they do.

[A]

So good.

[D]

Like, they, like. They understand their, like, position on social media.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Like, I'm sure they get that it's a little bit cheesy, right? Like, that's like.

[A]

Yeah, they understand it.

[D]

They understand. They understand the joke of it and everything. And, like, they're so. Oh, my God. It was the most amazing thing. Remember when someone walked up to them and asked him for a picture?

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[D]

At the end. Yes, yes, yes.

[A]

That's great.

[D]

Yeah. We were dud shooting the. We were dutch shooting the bit with them. And this. One of the extras walks up to them and is like, can we have a picture with you? And he goes, yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's the whole family, and the girl stands in the middle, she takes the picture, and then when she's, like, done taking the picture goes, wait, wait, wait. Turn the phone horizontally. And then the mom taking the picture turns the phone horizontally, and he goes, okay, now hit. Hit record on video. And then they all, in unison go, it's Big AJ or it's aj. It's Big Justice. And they all introduce themselves and they go. And we're bringing the boom. And they all do it at the same time on video, like, completely.

[A]

Give them an incredible video to show their friends and. Insane. Yeah.

[D]

It's like fucking the Disney World of social media experiences.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Which is really cool. They're really, really sweet.

[A]

You know, the dad comes from wrestling.

[D]

Yeah. He's like, back in it now, isn't he? Oh, my God, I just yawned. He's like, back in it now, isn't he?

[A]

Yeah, he's done a few appearances, I think. I asked him about it. I said, did you get hurt? And he goes, yeah.

[D]

He's like, doing AEW or something.

[A]

Yes.

[D]

Yeah. But he's so perfect for it.

[A]

He's taking, like, real falls and stuff. We had a sperm race that was pretty cool.

[D]

Yeah. My God, how do we. How do I forget talking about this?

[A]

I don't know.

[D]

I was 50. 50 on this thing going in. Okay. Zane actually brought it to us. Zane's like, you got to do a sperm race. And I've seen it before. I didn't really understand it, to be honest. I still don't understand it.

[A]

Sure.

[D]

So do you know what happens?

[A]

Yeah, they. They take a specimen from. From two guys, or in this case, three, and then they choose the. The top six sperm from each guy.

[D]

Yeah. So they take your semen, which was. Okay, first of all, when I originally got the bit. I thought that was gonna be a very big part in the vlog.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Was collecting everyone's semen.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[D]

Like, I went, like, I had a lot of high hopes and expectations for that to be, like, the best part in the vlog. But then as we were talking about the bid ideas, like, obviously the bid ideas were like. Like, it was. It was an award show for the sperm race. Right. So I wanted there to be, like, the Kids Choice Awards would have a bucket of slime. I wanted a bucket of cum. And, like, someone gets slimed. And, like, as I kept. As I kept. Kept talking about my ideas for this. For this sperm race. Like, everyone I work with is a woman. So, like, she was like. They were like, I feel like you like this, but I don't know if girls are gonna watch this. And I really retracted on, like, all of the. The cum jokes that I. And just, like, collecting, like, the cum from Ilya was gonna be fun. Collecting it from you. Collecting it from Harry Zane was originally in it, so collecting it from Zane was gonna be fun.

[A]

Instead, it was John Castro outside my house, like, 9:45.

[D]

Oh, did he collect the comm.

[A]

Yeah. And John Castro, he didn't even come out of the car. He just opened his trunk and he's like, okay, Jay, put it back there, man.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

Far away from me, man. I'm like, okay, John, see you later.

[D]

That's really funny.

[A]

And it's really hard to. There's a lot of. And I was talking to the sperm race guys, and they're like, yeah, A big thing is performance. Like, a lot of guys can't do it. Oh, yeah. On command. I had trouble.

[D]

There's a lot of pressure. Because you're going into a cop.

[A]

Yeah. Because you're like. You're, like, having sex, and then you're trying to get it somewhere.

[D]

Oh, so you got your sample.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

By having sex.

[A]

Me and Ilya had sex. Harry didn't.

[D]

Wait. But it didn't matter with your girlfriends. Can you clarify that? Yes. No, I know.

[B]

Not with each other.

[D]

Not with each other. It just sounded like you were making a joke. No.

[A]

Oh, no. No.

[D]

You guys had sex with your wives and his girlfriend.

[A]

Yeah. Which supposedly is.

[D]

You guys switched. Yeah.

[A]

I said, john, do it outside my house.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Supposedly. That hurts your chances to have sex. Yeah.

[D]

Well, yeah. Ilya fucking took the victory miraculously. I could not believe it.

[A]

Yeah. How did the race actually go? It's so quick in the vlog.

[D]

Yeah. So the actual race. It's like, so they take your specimen and they take, like, the six best sperm from each one and they put those on, like a petri dish style course.

[B]

They dye each one a different color so you know who's who.

[D]

Yeah. So you know which. Yeah. Obviously what you see in the vlog is like, computerized and, like, edited, but it's taken from the same data and from the same visuals as you would see.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

They just like, gloss it over with, like, you know, to make it look better on video and. Yeah. So it's basically, it goes through this course and Harry Jowsey's sperm was actually the fastest.

[A]

Yes. But it went the wrong way.

[D]

But it went the wrong way. Last second. And Ilya, literally, last second took the lead.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

Which is, like, pretty. It was a crazy, crazy, crazy fucking finish. And yours. So initially, the guys walked in and they were like, yo, Jason, your sperm is really quick, man. Yeah. I was like, guys, shut the fuck up.

[A]

I was so excited.

[D]

I was like, don't tell him the results.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[D]

And then. And then it wasn't quick.

[A]

It was really slow.

[D]

Yeah. Jason's wife was there and she was like, I knew it was quick, baby, because sometimes this is too much information. So skip 15 seconds ahead real quick. I'm gonna try to get done in 50 seconds. She's like, sometimes when you come, like, on my arm, then it'll end up somewhere on my neck. It just travels so quickly. And you're like, naveen, I don't know if that's what that means. I thought so. Funny. Yes. But then when the race came down, everyone's sperm finished the course in a minute and 30 seconds. That's where Harry and Elias ended up. It took Jason's. This is unreal. Nine minutes.

[B]

Oh, they were being serious.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

It actually took nine minutes.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[D]

Jason was like, we cut this out of the vlog. But Jason was like, please don't tell my wife that.

[B]

That's crazy.

[A]

I was happy to be a part of it.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

That was really funny.

[A]

It's pretty funny.

[D]

It is. It is a crazy thing. I also wanted, like, a scene where, like, all the samples are finally collected.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

And we go over a speed bump, like, you know, like, with milk. The milk and the Tesla, but. And then all. You think it's the cum, but it's really milk again. Yeah. I think, like, that's. That would have been fun. There's just a lot of. And, like, getting you guys all material to jerk off. Like, to Ilya, I'd get pictures of myself, shirtless.

[A]

Been bragging?

[D]

No, but I'm glad. Did you get. Did you get paid yet or. No. Have we sent it over?

[A]

Yeah, they're setting it up. Thank you.

[D]

That's nice.

[A]

Really nice. David.

[D]

Yeah, Ilya. So, okay, so originally I wanted to rig the race. I was like, I need Jason to win because I. I wanted Jason. Jason. Winning money is the most exciting in the whole thing.

[B]

Yeah. And obvious winning, period.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Winning anything.

[A]

Yeah. And what they say, they said no rigging.

[D]

I don't even know if they said it or. We just decided like that. Just like, we've never done that in a vlog where it's like, yeah, you shouldn't rig it. We've ruined the integrity of something. So we didn't want to, but I don't think they wanted to either.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

But I told them when I. So I. And I told all of you guys that the winner gets 25,000. And then I pulled Harry and Ellie into side room and I was like, hey, if either of you guys win, we're going to throw J5. Okay.

[A]

Damn.

[D]

So, yeah, just because, you know, it takes a lot for you to come and we didn't want to. We wanted to. Yeah.

[A]

I gotta, like. I gotta really summon, you know, the.

[B]

Gods, you know, if I suddenly lost all my memory, like, I was. Something happened. I got into an accident or whatever, and you guys came the next day, like, what would you tell me so that I would, like, I would be able to recognize, like, oh, you guys are my friends. You're people that I, like, love.

[D]

What the fuck?

[A]

I'd have David call you a bitch.

[D]

Yeah. I wonder what that would do to you. You'd be like, excuse me?

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

No, could you imagine. Could you imagine how scary that would be if, like, Natalie walks in one night, I'm like, what up, bitch? And she's like, excuse me.

[B]

I'm, like, really offended.

[D]

Yeah, it's like, completely locked in.

[A]

You can speak that way to women.

[D]

Yeah. Oh, my God. I'd lose it. I'd literally lock myself in my room because I'd be, like, scared. I'd be like, there's something. Something inside Natalie.

[A]

Naveen was saying she was so happy that she's like, I think David really likes me. And I'm like, y. And she's like, well, he was yelling at me on Friday night.

[D]

I was like, that does mean he likes me. Wait, what did I say?

[A]

I don't know. It was like something like we were. The sperm race was pretty hectic and you needed Naveen for a shot, but she was, like, in the gym with me, like, giving me a kiss.

[D]

Oh, you guys were making out. You guys were making out. And I walked by and go, naveen, not now. You guys were also making out during the bit, which I thought was, like, as much. As much as I was kidding. I thought that was so.

[A]

It's crazy that we do that. I don't know. I can't explain it. You know, we always. I'm, like, baffled by it.

[D]

Yeah. It is crazy that she's, like, properly. Yeah. I don't want to get into this, but. Okay. What I would say to you, Natalie, that I would know that it's you.

[B]

Yeah. How would I. How would you be.

[D]

Do you remember parts of your old. Oh, it'd have to be like, oh, okay, okay, okay, okay. Oh, like, it'd have to be, like, things about your body. That's if I was, like, dating you. What if I was like, there's a freckle over your vagina. Do you know what I mean? Like, yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

So, like, what would you remember that I could like. I'd be like, yo, your mom's, like, really hard to talk to. And then you're like, oh, my God.

[B]

You are best friend.

[D]

You remember me. I know who you are.

[B]

It all comes rushing back.

[D]

Yeah. Like, what do I say?

[A]

Get her, like, her favorite sandwich and, like, let her smell it.

[D]

Oh, but I feel like, dude, there's, like, not a sandwich in the world that she turned down. She likes almost anything.

[B]

I do love sandwiches.

[D]

We got the wrong postmates yesterday.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Brought the completely wrong order for both of us.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

And so Natalie ordered from one place. I. I ordered from Giada. Order from.

[B]

I ordered from.

[D]

Doesn't matter. Nachiada.

[A]

Just.

[B]

I ordered from Cava.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Yeah. Okay. She ordered from Cava. I ordered from Giada. Her Cava came completely wrong.

[A]

Okay.

[D]

My Giada came completely wrong.

[A]

Wow.

[D]

But the Giada that came. That was wrong. Just so happened to be Natalie's favorite order from Giada. She's like, oh, my God, that's an egg McMuffin with bacon.

[B]

The pastrami, egg and cheese on an everything bagel.

[D]

Actually, it was like, Natalie ordered it.

[A]

It ordered like a construction worker.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Pick up my egg and cheese. All right.

[D]

No, but it was. Yeah, I was right. That just proves that there really isn't.

[A]

So what'd you do? Did you switch?

[D]

I know. I just had to reorder, so I.

[A]

Didn'T want to reorder, but I ate.

[B]

His lunch, and then my lunch I didn't get to eat.

[A]

Oh, you didn't get to eat it?

[B]

But I just ate Daisy.

[D]

But yeah, Natalie can like, you know, any food that will be near her, she'll love, so it's not quite that that would help me out here.

[A]

Hey, if you could pick one car that is the biggest asshole. What? What type of car? For an asshole driver, pick one car.

[D]

Oh, can I start with one car.

[A]

That is the worst drivers. Okay, you know it.

[D]

Okay, can I just start with a different one? Whatever. The hottest girls. Sure, because I know that one for a fact.

[A]

The hottest girls are in what kind of car? Let's see.

[D]

Go ahead, you guys. Every time I see this car, I turn my head, no questions asked, I. I see the car I want, I'm speeding by the car to see who's in it.

[A]

Wow, it's a Mercedes safari car.

[D]

No, you wagon.

[A]

You know which G wagon?

[B]

A white Tesla.

[D]

Yeah, a white Tesla, White Model Y. Model Y. The Model Y specifically, yeah.

[A]

Natalie, where do you see the hottest guys and what kind of car?

[D]

Oh, estimars baby blue.

[A]

No, as Martin Ferrari.

[B]

Of course.

[A]

They're covered in milk.

[D]

Ferrari gifted by a friend, Porsche. Yeah, Porsche is a good one.

[B]

Porsche is like sexy, it's manly, it's masculine.

[A]

Porsche is a nice one. Yeah, except they get stolen.

[D]

Okay, what's the answer, Jay, to the BMW?

[B]

BMW?

[A]

Oh, yeah, Biggest drivers.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

You talking about Ilya?

[A]

I don't know how I'm not talking about. I love Ilya, but. Yeah, it just so happens he has a BMW.

[D]

But if he just so happens, brother.

[B]

He'S one of the biggest asshole drivers.

[D]

It is by. It is by faith, destiny.

[A]

If I ever get cut off in traffic. If someone's acting like an asshole.

[D]

Sorry, fate, not faith.

[A]

What would you say?

[D]

Sorry, it's fate, not faith. I get confused.

[A]

Oh, it's always a BMW. Yeah, A white one.

[D]

Yeah, yeah, right? Yeah, I agree.

[A]

Always anyone else.

[D]

But also, like, I don't. I'm not like really bothered by getting cut off. Or do you get road rage?

[A]

Not anymore. I don't get road rage, but I get pissed.

[D]

Oh my God. When people get road rage, I immediately like pump my brakes just to see them. I don't like confrontation. I love people with road rage. Because I think, I think people that get angry during the day, like about small things and they're being serious.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Are not real humans. Like, I always pump the brakes and I always like pull up next time and I look right at them because I'm like, like, who are you and like, what are you doing? Genuinely, what are you doing?

[B]

That is funny.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

When you're like, totally not. When you're the opposite and somebody else is just raging. It's like a really funny.

[A]

But you have a great life.

[D]

Oh, my gosh.

[C]

I love.

[D]

Look, I've been pissed, Jay, but like.

[A]

You have a great life.

[D]

You.

[A]

You, you don't have to get upset. The person in the car with road rage is like, their fucking wife is mad at them, their kids hate them.

[D]

No.

[A]

Their boss just yelled at them.

[B]

That might be true in some circumstances.

[D]

That's not true. I've had some really hot olderly women, road rage, elderly, beautiful Range Rovers. I'm just saying, it's just like, I just find it really interesting.

[A]

No, that's good that you don't get upset. I mean, I. I wish I was better at that. I don't get upset, but I'm just like, oh.

[D]

And I'm talking about, like, you're sitting in traffic and like, I have to like, cut in front. Like. Like it's a left turn lane. I have to cut in front of you, you know, And I like ask you, and maybe I even move my hand. I'm like, excuse me, I'm so sorry.

[A]

Or if you give a wave. Yeah, I'm good. Yeah, yeah. The wave is incredible.

[D]

My favorite is like when you're trying to like, merge into a lane and they're not letting you. Yeah, I love that because then I'm like, okay, I'm gon cars ahead now, and I'm gonna fucking blast you to your destination. I will be there so fucking early. You're gonna hit some lights and I'm not.

[A]

I see you do have a little bit of rage.

[D]

Yeah. But mine's like passive. Mine's like. Mine's more action.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Watch this.

[D]

My mind's like, you're not gonna see me because I'm gonna be so far ahead of you. Can I. Can I talk shit about our friend real quick?

[A]

Sure.

[D]

Can I talk shit about Jonah?

[A]

She's right. Nellie's right here.

[D]

No, no, it's enough about her. Jonah.

[A]

Sure.

[D]

This guy, this guy calls me at 7 in the morning. He's making a movie, right? He's making a movie and he's been. He's trying to get an actor attached to the movie. He calls me in the morning. He goes, it's seven in the morning. It's very early for me. He goes, pick up right now. Emergency pick up. He texts me, he's called Me three times. I'm like, oh, my God, what's going on? And he goes, david Spade just signed on to my movie. David Spade just signed on to my movie. And I'm like, this is amazing. Please, can you tell me about this later?

[A]

7:00Am yes.

[D]

And he goes, I'm sorry. You're sleeping. I go, yes, dude, I'm sleeping. Just tell me about it later. So calls me later, tells me about it. I'm like, hell, yeah. And listen, this story is not gonna make as much sense if you don't know the guy. Yeah, but, like, this man is fully, like, delusional. Like, he says a lot of things before they happen. Yeah, a lot of things. And then. And then, guess what? Guess what? Yesterday. Yesterday, he calls me. Yeah, actually, I call him because we're talking about something else. And I go, when does. When do you start shooting with a spade? And he goes, oh, he's out. He can't do it anymore. But Mark Wahlberg's back on. Or Mark Wahlberg's on. Like, he names a new actor.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

And he goes, this person just signed up. They're gonna do it.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

And it's like, what. What is going through your. What is going through your head when you say that? Oh, my God. It frustrates me so much.

[A]

Well, you know, wait till. He'll just keep doing it until it's true.

[D]

I know a lot of people do that. And I told this to Jason earlier, and Jason's like, yeah, it's the worst combination. Because it's Jonah, and it's Jonah in Hollywood. In Hollywood, you kind of. I guess if you're doing, like, the traditional route, it's a lot of faking till you make it kind of stuff, right?

[A]

Yeah, it's always that. It's always like, a little bit of, like, lying until you get what you want.

[D]

Like, I feel like in Hollywood, the way to, like, make a deal happen. The way to make a deal happen is to go. Why does that sound so weird? Happen. What a fucking stupid word. Happen Sounds like a name.

[A]

Happen, Happen, happen, happen, Happen.

[D]

Happen sounds stupid.

[A]

Why don't you call your kid Happen?

[D]

It's not that bad.

[B]

It's actually kind of a good name.

[D]

Happen. Holy shit.

[A]

It's not bad.

[D]

See, this is. If I lose my mind, just say.

[A]

If you lose your mind.

[D]

If I lose my memory, just be like, happen. It'll all come back to me. No, I feel like the way to make deals in Hollywood is, like, to go to, like, one studio and be like, lie to them about another person and then take that line, move it to the next. Do you know what I mean?

[A]

Yeah, for sure.

[D]

Like, you know how scam artists work? They take money from one person to fund another thing just to scam that thing. And then I feel like in Hollywood, you make promises to one person saying that the other person's in.

[A]

It's like.

[D]

It's like when I call Ilya and I'm like, yo, you should come out with us. John and Alex want to get drunk tonight. Yes. And then I call John and Alex and I'm like, yo, you should come out with us. Ilya wants to get drunk tonight.

[A]

You're dirty comping either of them.

[D]

None of them. None of them have agreed to it, but now I got all three of them.

[A]

Yeah. When I was trying to make my first movie, I was having a lot of trouble and I just got one actress. I got one actress to say yes, and after that, I got 20 people really? Of like, of. Of that caliber. Just because that one girl said yes.

[D]

That's what you. Yeah, people love.

[A]

They're like, oh, she's doing it.

[B]

Okay.

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U.S. restaurant Jay. For this next segment, I really want to call a listener. I got a dm. She's telling me she has a story. This is a girl named Jess. She's a story that's quite literally made jaws drop. Okay, let's hope she picks up.

[A]

Alrighty.

[C]

This is Jesse.

[D]

Jesse, welcome to the Views podcast. Jesse. I haven't told anybody about what Anybody about what your story is yet, so however you want to tell it. I don't want to spoil it. You've only given me two words to describe what it is, but the floor is yours.

[C]

Right. Okay. Thank you. Hi, guys.

[A]

Hi.

[B]

Hello.

[C]

Just going off the pattern of some poop references. I just had to share this one. Couldn't keep it to myself.

[D]

Okay, great. Yeah. You messaged me saying I have an insane public pooping story for the pod, and you said it's made people's jaws drop.

[C]

Yeah. So we'll see. Hopefully it lives up after that. Girls threesome story. I don't know if I can compare, but.

[D]

Okay.

[C]

Basically, when I was in college, there were fraternity formals, and this guy invited me, and it was in Charleston. And the deal was that we all shared hotel rooms with another couple. So it's a very intimate. You know, everybody's on top of each other whatnot.

[D]

Wow. Two. So two beds. Two beds. Two couples.

[C]

Yes. Like, completely across from one another.

[D]

Wow. Okay, that's crazy.

[C]

I know. And that couple is now married. And me and this current situation do not speak. So that. That tells you that. Okay, so basically, there's one morning that a huge group of us went and got brunch. Probably like, a mile from where the hotel was, was gonna start the day. And as we're walking back, we had, like, omelets, whatever. As we're walking back. That's key. All of a sudden, I'm like, I gotta go to the bathroom. Like, that omelette, not sitting. And then I take a few more steps, and I'm like. Like, oh. Oh, God. Like, it's. It's coming.

[D]

Oh, no. Oh, no.

[C]

I'm probably a quarter mile from the hotel, and I just sprint and I just, like, take off, and I'm gone. As I'm entering the lobby, the deed is done. Like, pants shat. Like it's done.

[D]

Oh, my God.

[E]

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

[D]

Wait. Hold on. I think you broke up for a second. So. So the. The second you start running back quarter mile, and you didn't even make it all the way, like a tenth of a mile, you shat yourself.

[C]

Correct.

[D]

Are we talking liquid, or are we talking any kind of.

[C]

Oh, there was some liquid death for sure. Yeah. I get to the room, and I'm like, okay. He was not that far behind me. I don't think he chased me, but I don't have a lot of time. I have to think about what to do. So I rip off my pants and underwear, assess the situation, and I see this huge plant in the corner. A potted plant. And I was like, that's my best bet.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[C]

I can't put this in the trash. And, like, I can't flush anything. Like, I'm wearing jeans. So all of a sudden, I start digging up the plant and shoving it down into mulch. Because my thought process was like, that will cover up the smell. And the plant was right next to this other couple's bed. So I'm like, I don't know. That's just not my problem.

[D]

Wait, how big is this room where there's like, there's a potted plant and you think you, like, you even think you have a chance of getting away with this by putting it under there? Is this, like a quite, like, large room?

[C]

Oh, not at all. We were on a college budget. This was like. Like, the beds were nearly touching each other. Oh, and the plant was, like, in the corner, but it was probably like a five footer.

[D]

And so the poop or the plant?

[B]

Oh, my God.

[C]

Probably both by the end of the day.

[B]

Jesus.

[C]

Yeah. So I dug up the mulch, shoved my pants and underwear, and right as I pulled on my shorts, my date walks in and is like, what happened back there? And I'm like, I just needed to get some cardio in. No one ever found out.

[D]

No way. You got away with that.

[C]

Got away with it. To this day, it's probably still in the plant.

[D]

Oh, my God. There's a little poop tree growing.

[C]

I know it. It's. It's crazy. And for some reason, this guy. I always had weird situations where I was, like, somehow wetting myself or pooping on the run with him. So he doesn't know this at all. So this is insane.

[D]

Would you ever tell him?

[C]

Maybe. I don't know if it would break the ice or like. Yeah, I don't really think maybe you'll hear it. Who knows? Maybe.

[A]

Well, he's here right now.

[D]

He's here.

[A]

He's in. He's here with us.

[D]

No, I was just gonna say we should call him and just tell him.

[E]

Oh, my God.

[D]

Would you do that? Or is that too much?

[C]

I mean, he is, like, not a fan of me.

[D]

Oh, okay. Okay.

[A]

I bet he isn't.

[D]

Sounds like he found out about the poop in the plan.

[C]

No, no, no. I mean, I would do it for the plot, but this would be. It would be insane if he actually answered.

[D]

Should we try or is it not. It's not worth it now. I don't know what terms you're on. So I can't make that call for you. But, like, I mean, I. I think.

[C]

You'D find it hilarious.

[D]

Okay, let's try to give him a ring.

[C]

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Okay.

[D]

Hello? Jesse?

[A]

Jesse, what are you doing?

[D]

Yeah, I remember if I tell him.

[C]

This, I'm gonna have to tell him about a time I peed on his futon, but I also covered that up.

[B]

College baby.

[C]

I'm shaking.

[D]

It's a big development. If this goes through, it's huge.

[A]

She's. She's gonna put this away forever now. It's really nice. She can put it behind her.

[D]

That is nice.

[A]

Yeah. She can never feel.

[D]

She'll now find out if maybe he knew.

[A]

Right?

[D]

Yeah, I fucking knew that.

[A]

Jesse stopped texting you.

[D]

The whole room smelled like the hotel. Evacuate. Okay, her friend's about to be connected. Here we go. Guys, Jason has left the room because he had to go, but.

[B]

Hello?

[D]

Hey, it's David.

[C]

Hey.

[D]

Okay, so Jason had to leave, but it's me, Natalie, here now. Hey.

[C]

Okay.

[D]

Okay.

[C]

So, well, yeah, I texted the guy and I was like, that was not a butt dial. I'm on a podcast, and they want.

[B]

To hear this pooping story.

[C]

And he's like, how does this involve me? And I'm like, like, exactly.

[D]

Is he down to get on the call?

[C]

Yeah, I think so.

[D]

Okay, what's his name? Or. No, don't tell me his name. I'm going to keep his identity a secret.

[C]

Okay.

[D]

I saved you and Jason's phone as Jesse Poop.

[C]

Amazing. Wouldn't be the first time. This is also, like, so awkward. Like, we have not spoken in years. Okay.

[A]

Okay.

[D]

Okay. Okay. Wow.

[B]

Oh, gosh.

[D]

Okay.

[C]

Hi. How are you?

[E]

It's working away.

[D]

Hi, I'm David. We're just doing a podcast with your ex friend. Ex girlfriend. I don't know how to.

[E]

I mean, I would hope not. Ex friend. I don't think anything has been done to be excommunicated as friends.

[D]

Well, just wait till you hear this story. Okay, she's being really brave right now by admitting this to you, but we thought it'd be funny, and she's. She's going for it. So let's see if you remember this. What? This, like, what the situation is from your perspective. I want to hear what happened. But, yeah, take it away, Jesse.

[C]

Okay, so when we were in Charleston for your formal. Remember when we went to that brunch place and, like, everybody got omelets and we were excited to start the day?

[E]

Sure. I mean, yeah, I feel like that was when the one girl wouldn't, like, shut up and dog her phone.

[C]

Yes, that's the one. So when we were walking back, I noticed that that omelet did not sit well with me. And I was like, oh, this is going to be tough. And as we were about a quarter mile out from the hotel, I realized I was not gonna be able to hold what was inside. So I turned to you and I said, I'll race you back. And I just sprinted towards the hotel. And if you recall, we were sharing that room.

[D]

Wait, hold on, hold on. Do you remember the sprinting back portion of the story?

[E]

Not really, but I'm pretty sure the last time I saw Jessie, I think she got drunk enough to tell me this.

[D]

Jesse doesn't even remember telling me.

[E]

If that tells you. If that tells you how drunk she was. Of, like. Oh, yes. No idea.

[C]

Yeah, I thought I was taking this to the grave. Wait, so you know what I did with my poop pants?

[E]

I didn't see you.

[D]

Maybe.

[E]

I think you left out that detail.

[D]

Wait, wait, wait. You just spoiled the story.

[E]

No, no, no. You stuck him in the plant.

[C]

Oh, and you still want to be my friend? That's really nice.

[E]

I mean, hey, it happens to the best of us. We've all been there.

[B]

Wow.

[C]

Did I tell you about what happened on the futon?

[E]

Oh, well, I do remember. You, like, dumped, like, a drink on the futon, wasn't it, to hide? Like, you peed on or something.

[C]

Water fight. And then I just started pouring it all out. Yep. That was.

[D]

Oh, my God. Wow. You are.

[E]

I do. I've never been able to look at this from the outside perspective. Like, you just are just, like, peeing and pooping all over, like, all my stuff.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

Wow. Wow. This is incredible that he knew this entire time. You were just, like. He has no idea. But he's just accepted you for this. Well, thanks. Thanks for calling. I'm glad we were part of such a heartwarming moment. I thought it was gonna be. She was gonna admit something crazy, but this feels like it went even better.

[E]

Well, yeah, thanks for having me.

[D]

Bye, guys. Bye, Jesse.

[C]

All right, bye. Thanks.

[D]

Bye. Wow. That's really funny.

[B]

That's really, really funny.

[D]

I'm trying to think, what a man. Yeah. What a guy. That's.

[B]

If that was the role. If that was like, us in that scenario and I had shit myself and I'd run back to the hotel, I think that you would be like, nope, we're done here.

[D]

I wouldn't be done, but I'd obviously like I mean, that. That guy sounded real, like, chill. No, like, that's like the guy you want around. Do you know what I mean?

[B]

He's like a really good sport about it.

[D]

Yeah, he sounds like he's seen fucking everything. He.

[B]

That's why I asked myself too.

[D]

I asked Jesse. I don't know if I asked her on the pot or where it was, but I asked her. I was like, are you from the Midwest? She gives like. She reminds me of, like, our friends. She reminds me of like Sydney Smith. Like, do you know what I mean?

[B]

Just like, Sydney's gonna love to hear that.

[D]

Just like someone like, super chill, like, down to talk about where she shit. Yeah. Yeah. That's really, really funny. Do we have anything like that that's happened that's been like. Have you had a moment like that where you've had to like.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[D]

What happened?

[B]

I didn't shit myself and I peed myself.

[D]

Where was it?

[B]

Outside of Bootsy Bellows on Sunset Boulevard. And we were with all, like, like new friends we had just made here in la, probably, like, whatever. And very cool people.

[D]

Wait, was this like Kylie and Stassin?

[B]

Yes. We were driving from, like, Calabasas to go out to Bootsy. So it was like a 45 minute drive. And we like all piled into the Tesla. We were having a great old time. We're young, drunk, or partying.

[D]

Wow.

[B]

And I had. It was. Victoria and her sister were both sitting.

[D]

On my lap, like, so they're like, pinching your bladder.

[B]

So pinching my bladder. And I was like, okay, I could do this, it's fine. Then the, like the last 20 minutes, I am like, squirm, like, fighting for my life. And then you. The Tesla, you open the Tesla door. Everyone is so fucking slow to get out. You open the Tesla door and thank God everyone was fairly drunk, so no one really took notice. They were just like, oh, where's Natalie going? And I booked it out of that Tesla down the street. And as I'm running, I am just peeing myself all the way down the sidewalk.

[D]

I remember this. Oh, my God. On the sidewalk.

[B]

Like, I'm running down the sidewalk on something. Sunset Boulevard. Completely just peeing myself. My, like. And I'm wearing jeans. My pants are soaked. I could not hold it any longer. I tried to, like, go around the corner so you guys wouldn't see me, like, squat and pee.

[D]

And then wait, I thought, yeah, yeah.

[B]

And then everybody just went inside and had a great time. I think I got a text like 30 minutes later, like, hey, where the did you go? But I didn't even. I didn't come back. I. There was, like. There's, like, cars that wait outside of clubs, whatever, which is honestly so dangerous. I got into this, like, guy's Mercedes that was just doing, like, random car transports.

[D]

It wasn't even, like, a taxi or anything.

[B]

Not a taxi, not an Uber or anything. I got in, and he took me home, and I just sat in the back of his car with my peed pants.

[D]

And you didn't come back to, like, finish the night?

[B]

No.

[D]

That sounds very unlike you.

[B]

No, I know. I was.

[D]

I remember this story about. I thought you, like, went around and I thought you peed successfully, but it was an unsuccessful peeing.

[B]

No, I, like, it went down my pants. I did, I think, get my pants unopened once I went around the corner and, like, that.

[D]

The moment where, like, the pee first starts to go. Oh, my God.

[B]

It's like.

[D]

It's one of the. Cause it's like you feel it on your leg, right? You feel how warm it is.

[B]

Terrible. And then it's just like, fuck it.

[D]

Yes. And then there's like a split second where you think you can, like, withdraw it, but then you're also just, like. You can't fight. There's, like, something instinctual about letting it go. I don't know how to explain it. I've peed myself, like, probably a couple times, and like, every time I remember, like, once the first drop hits, it's game over. Just fucking let it go.

[B]

Yeah, for sure.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Note to self.

[D]

Well, guys, that's. That's the time we had for the pod today. We wanted to.

[B]

I love when we get down and dirty. We share the ribbons.

[D]

I mean. Yeah, we needed this. Maybe another Emmy contender. Honestly, Probably. I mean, Jesse just, you know, relive some serious memories.

[B]

She put herself out there. She was vulnerable.

[D]

That's really funny. The funny part of that story is that she doesn't remember telling him.

[B]

He's fucking new.

[D]

She really likes to get drunk. Okay, that's all Time we have. Thank you, guys, for everyone joining us. Let us know for the next pod what you guys want to hear. We're here, and we'll see you guys soon. In one day. Bye.

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