Ian (1:55)

It feels like if somebody's bleeding from both nostrils and they start jumping up and down, it feels like just the blood splatter would be something you would want to avoid.

Andrea (2:05)

Oh, that gets pretty gruesome. Yeah.

Mike (2:07)

Andrea, what happened the last time you had a kid with a nosebleed and you said, all right, lay down, I'm going to start banging on your foot.

Andrea (2:16)

They do look at me pretty curiously. They look at me like I've got two heads but most of the time, I've developed a really good relationship with my athletes, so they trust me. When I tell them to do something, they'll usually do it.

Mike (2:28)

What is that dialogue like?

Andrea (2:30)

Most often when I work with high school athletes, I work with high school wrestlers. Unfortunately, nosebleeds are very common in high school wrestling. Yeah, sure, you know, because you get your face shoved in the mat, you're, you know, face to face with an opponent. And in a lot of high school wrestling, you only have about two minutes to solve whatever injury you have on the mat before the athlete has to go back or they're disqualified. So time is of the essence. And really, in that situation, they don't really question what I tell them to do. So I say, hey, lay down real quick, and then take a hand and make a fist. And then I whack them on the bottom of their wrestling shoe. A couple times, I have them sit up. I say, okay, you're good to go. They look at me funny, but they go back and they finish their match.

Ian (3:15)

If you thump the wrong heel, does the blood flow increase?

Andrea (3:21)

That's another good question. I don't think there's a way to screw it up.

Ian (3:26)

Okay.

Mike (3:28)

Oh, shoot. I hit the wrong foot, but my tooth just fell out.

Ian (3:34)

I was very curious. We looked into this. There's actually been. It's classified as a folk remedy. There's no peer reviewed research into why it might work.

Mike (3:44)

And if you try this, if you have a bloody nose or if you know someone who does and you want to give this a shot, let us know what happens.

Ian (3:50)

Don't go out and induce a nosebleed just to try it. We don't want that.

Mike (3:56)

We're not gonna be held responsible for that. This is how to do everything. I'm Mike.

Ian (4:02)

And I'm Ian. On today's show, how to say goodbye to a burrito. But first.

Mike Conley (4:09)

Hey, Isaac.

Mike (4:10)

What can we help you with?

Isaac (4:12)

All right, so I'm missing a hand, and it makes handshakes very awkward. And whenever I meet someone, the first thing I'm supposed to do is extend my hand. And if I don't say anything, they grab it and get startled and then try to pretend like they weren't startled. And it's an awkward start to a relationship. And if I say something like missing a hand, it's a weird thing to say as the first thing I ever say when I meet someone.

Ian (4:44)

Yeah, so when you say they grab it, they grab your left hand, Your other hand.

Isaac (4:49)

I'm missing my right hand. I can Put my right hand out. It's like just a small, deformed hand, and I grab it, and it feels weird to them, and they didn't expect it. I can also stick my left hand out, which I did for a while, but that ends up being like a kiss. The back of my hand sort of helped me into a carriage kind of situation.

Father James Martin (5:07)

Oh.

Mike (5:08)

Huh.

Mike Conley (5:08)

Yeah.

Mike (5:09)

You don't want to start off with on a dainty foot either.

Mike Conley (5:12)

Yeah, exactly.

Mike (5:13)

Okay. Is there.

Ian (5:15)

Is there a time, like, a specific instance that you remember when it was particularly uncomfortable?

Isaac (5:23)

It's been happening my whole life, but, like, I've had a few job interviews where I walked in looking for the manager of the pizza place as a teenager and met the guy and tried to shake his hand, and it was weird, and it was, like, the only chance I got to ask for a job.

Mike Conley (5:42)

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Isaac (5:43)

So it's a lot of things like that. It's a lot of professional relationships that just start off on a weird foot, and I'm not really sure what to do about that.

Mike Conley (5:50)

Yeah.

Ian (5:51)

Are you ever in a situation where you fist bump with the left hand? Is that any better?

Isaac (5:57)

That's the best option I found.

Ian (6:00)

Okay.

Isaac (6:00)

Unfortunately, that doesn't always work in formal business situations.

Mike Conley (6:05)

Yeah.

Mike (6:07)

This might be. Isaac, the time to bring back a kiss on both cheeks.

Isaac (6:11)

Yeah, it could be. Or maybe a hip bump.

Mike (6:13)

Oh, that's fun. Yeah. So I guess the question is, are we looking for just, like, a good way to kind of break the ice on this?

Mike Conley (6:21)

Yeah, sure.

Isaac (6:22)

Like a good strategy. I, um. I've tried a lot of different things. I'll decide I'm going to try a new thing like. Like right now. I say missing a hand before someone shakes my hand.

Mike Conley (6:33)

Yeah, it doesn't really work.

Isaac (6:34)

I've been using that for, like, a year. Um, if you've got a new idea I can try, that'd be awesome.

Mike (6:41)

Well, I want to say that you've come to the right place, but I can't promise that. But we're here, and we're gonna. We're gonna look into this for you.

Isaac (6:50)

Okay, I appreciate that. Yeah, I figured you'd have some interesting

Mike Conley (6:53)

thing to say about it.

Mike (6:57)

We think we have the perfect person to talk to about this. It's Mike Conley of the Minnesota Timberwolves. And as we speak, they are up 3, 2. Over the Denver Nuggets in the NBA playoffs.

Ian (7:08)

Conley is, I think it's fair to say the greatest handshaker of our era.

Mike (7:14)

Yes. Corner pocket for Mike Conley.

Ian (7:18)

What you're hearing here is Mike Conley hitting a three, then walking along the bench and giving a different elaborate handshake to every single one of his teammates.

Mike (7:32)

Mike, how many handshakes do you have?

Mike Conley (7:36)

I should have one with all of them. If not, it's because they're probably newer to the team or I'm still trying to develop, but I got, like, at least 45, 50amongst the whole organization right now, so that's a lot.

Mike (7:52)

Whoa, wait a minute. Just with the timberwolves, you have 40 handshakes.

Mike Conley (7:57)

It's up there. It's up there for sure. Wow.

Ian (8:00)

How do you remember them all?

Mike Conley (8:02)

Honestly, it's gotten to a point where I like. It's like a facial recognition thing. As soon as you see the person, it just comes out. You just go to reach for their arm and hand or whatever, and they'll start doing the handshake. And you just start doing the handshake. And it's like, oh, yeah, you know, it's just like second nature. Don't even think twice about it.

Mike (8:21)

What's the most recent handshake you have?

Mike Conley (8:24)

Most recent one, probably. IO is probably the most recent one because I came in a little a couple weeks after he was traded here.

Ian (8:33)

This is probably impossible to do in audio, but can you describe one of your favorite handshakes? Just everything that goes on from start to finish.

Mike Conley (8:45)

Yeah. So since we were talking about IO, yeah, here's fresh on my mind. So it's. Each one has a life of its own. It's kind of dictated upon, like, your relationship with that person. So if there's something that y' all have in common, or if you like to golf or whatever you. Your hobby is, whatever it is, you try to, like, find something that fits the both of us. And then IO we play cards on the plane. That was like, one of the first interactions I had with him was being on playing, playing cards. And so our handshake literally is like, you know, you go to slap hands and you. You go one pass by, you hit back side of your hand, and you do two times on the front side of your hands. And then. And then we act like we're dealing Dylan cards. So we'll do like, we'll deal like three cards or, like, deal five cards, whatever it is that we need for that day. So it's kind of like a fluid handshake. But each day it could be, you know, we'll ask them. I ask them. As soon as I'm getting like the middle of handshake, I'll Be, you know, dapping them up. And then after we do, like, two or three passes with our hands, we'll. We'll start dealing out cars and, like, how many you need and be, like, one or two or three or five, whatever it is, and we'll just kind of go. Go from there. But everybody's got their own. Own special deal and some. Something along the lines of, you know, something that's familiar with each other. Wow.

Mike (10:02)

And, like, when you are. So you and IO, you're getting to know each other, at what point in the relationship or how does it happen that you guys work that out, that you get to a point? Does everybody know you got to get a handshake with Mike Conley?

Mike Conley (10:17)

Right. It's got to be organic. We don't sit there and, like, stare at each other and be, all right, we got to figure this out. You know what I mean? It's not one of those things. It's one of those moments when it normally happens is, like, it normally happens like, either during a practice day or, like, right before the game when, you know, I am giving handshakes out to everybody, and you're going down the line. As you get down the bench, you start dabbing up everybody, and you get the IO. And I look at him like, man, we ain't got a handshake yet. And so then that's fine. Like, all right, here. I got it, I got it, I got it, I got it. And then we'll just like, boom, boom, boom, boom. And then. And then he'll. He'll. He'll think it's, you know, it's all right. I'll think it's all right and kind of go. Go from there. So it kind of happens spur of the moment. But there's a little bit of thought that goes into it, though. Yeah.

Ian (11:01)

So, Mike, you heard Isaac's question. What advice might you have for him?

Mike Conley (11:07)

Man, I can say, like, from experience with, like, guys who, like, this certain guy, like, you might injure a hand, right? Like, injured, break a finger or break a wrist or something like that, so you're unable to use one side, and so you still try to do handshakes, and it's like, you know, people will still go grab your hand real hard, and it's like, bro, my finger's broken, or whatever, you know, just kind of, like, a lot of stuff like that can. Can occur. And most times when. When, like, we're in that situation, like, we do try to go, like, lead. Lead the dance with that other hand, whatever hand that's not injured or whatever, or not having an issue. Like, we'll, like, if you're meeting somebody, you, like, immediately jump out of it and be like, what's up, bro? And, like, bring that hand out immediately, like, to where they have no choice but to bring their left hand out. Or, like, you know, depending on how close you are with them or if it's closer. People like doing stuff with, you know, chest bumps and elbows and, like, all kinds of stuff. And we got some guys who get sick a lot on our team, too. So we will bypass the hands that go straight to elbows, like taps and stuff like that. That'll make it really easy to bypass having to shake hands, but it's still, like, greeting each other.

Andrea (12:22)

So.

Mike Conley (12:22)

Yeah, you know, I'd probably look into something like that if, you know.

Ian (12:26)

Yeah, I think that's. I think the elbow coming into play seems really, really smart. Isaac was saying that it's. It's particularly hard, like, in a business setting, a job interview. As somebody who designs a lot of handshakes, what's the most businesslike thing you could do with an elbow, do you think? What would you do if given that assignment?

Mike Conley (12:45)

Wow. I mean, literally, like, you know, it's the fist pump with the elbow. You. You know, because I meet people a lot in different settings, and sometimes you're meeting so many people and you might be in a situation like I, you know, my hands are sweaty. I just got in, you know, from doing this. I just want to, you know, you throw out the fist bump really quick. It's very nice to meet you, you know, making eye contact and all that stuff. And it could be very simple, similar to that with an elbow. And like, I think Isaac said is, you know, trying to announce whatever that is, you know, at the start of your conversation, you know, is always, I think, a good idea. And whether you have success or not, I still think it's probably the right route.

Mike (13:29)

Let me ask. This is a dumb question, Mike, so bear with me. Have you ever hurt your hand and has it impacted the game because of a handshake?

Mike Conley (13:38)

No, but the one person who can kind of, you know, hit a knuckle the wrong way is Rudy. Rudy Gobert has. He wears, like, if he's not playing in the game. Yeah, he'll wear, like, these. These big old, like, rings that have, like, you know, his hands are big anyway. But yeah, these. These huge rings with, like, jewels and stuff on. I don't know what they, like, rocks or something. And. And when he hits, like, the back of my hand sometimes like I'll catch a ring on my like knuckle and I'm like oh my God, I can't, I can't play. You know, it's like that painful. But other than that, everybody else's handshakes are pretty, pretty non violent.

Mike (14:17)

Well Mike, thank you so much for talking to us about this and helping out Isaac.

Mike Conley (14:22)

Yeah, anytime man. I hope it helps and glad that I was able to be on.

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Mike (15:47)

state law hey, if you have any questions and you want our help, go ahead and send them to us@howtonpr.org we

Ian (15:57)

are about to take a little break but during that break we're gonna build up all of your questions into an almost insurmountable pile that we will then answer until the end of time.

Mike (16:09)

We will make a question pinata and then every episode we will take a bat. We will beat that pinata and whatever questions come out we will answer. We will treat that question like a piece of candy. We will unwrap it and we will take it on.

Ian (16:22)

You can be one of the first questions that we stuff inside of that paper mache donkey. Get it to us@howtopr.org hey Rachel, what

Mike (16:33)

can we help you with?

Rachel (16:35)

Well, I am mourning a burrito that I had for about 10 years and then went away when the restaurant changed ownership and their menu changed as well.

Ian (16:47)

You said you're mourning the burrito.

Rachel (16:50)

I am. Yeah. It's something I think about a lot and that'll probably never have again. I mean, it's. Yeah. Like, I feel like it was. It was an Indian Mexican fusion burrito. And so I think it's something that's sort of hard to recreate on my own because I would have to develop, like, a mastery of cooking Indian food, which seems unlikely.

Mike (17:14)

Yeah. Have you tried. Have you tried to either recreate it or, you know, go to different restaurants and see if they can, you know, try and match your expectations?

Rachel (17:24)

I tried to go back to. So the place. The way I discovered that it was dead is I went to the place where I had been going for many years, only to discover that it had changed hands, that the menu had changed. And I tried to order what I had previously ordered, which was no longer listed on the menu. It was, yeah, paneer tikka masala breakfast burrito. So it was like paneer tikka masala, eggs, hash browns.

Mike Conley (17:50)

Wow.

Rachel (17:51)

All inside, like, a really massive tortilla. It was like a three pound burrito. And the other tough thing, too, was they had really amazing mint chutney that was like, you know, like the color of the coolant that you put in your car, basically.

Mike (18:06)

Nice.

Rachel (18:07)

That is no longer in existence either. And so that's. That's another problem area.

Mike (18:13)

Wow.

Ian (18:14)

Yeah, that sounds hard. So when was the last time you had it?

Rachel (18:19)

The last time I had it, probably, like, I guess it would have been about two, like a year and a half ago.

Mike (18:27)

Okay.

Ian (18:27)

And I guess you didn't. And I guess you didn't know that was the last time you were having it.

Rachel (18:31)

No, I didn't.

Ian (18:33)

Yeah, that's how it is. You don't, you know, you still know what might be your last moment with a person or a burrito.

Mike (18:41)

So I guess the question for us is, like, so what? How can we help you? Do you want us to help you process this loss or find a new burrito?

Rachel (18:51)

I mean, I feel like this is a common phenomenon. You know, people have this problem all the time where, like, a dish that they love, you know, disappears because a restaurant closes or, like, a product in stores, like a food product, you know, is discontinued. And there's no, like, I feel like there should be a grieving ritual for processing that kind of a loss.

Mike (19:12)

All right, Rachel, we're going to see what we can do.

Rachel (19:15)

Cool. Yeah. Thank you, guys.

Ian (19:18)

We got off the phone with Rachel, and we thought it would be fun to have a priest deliver a eulogy for her burrito. To help give her the closure she needs.

Mike (19:29)

So we called up Father James Martin. He's author of the new book work in Progress, Confessions of a Busboy, Dishwasher, Caddy, Usher, Factory Worker, Bank Teller, Corporate Tool, and Priest.

Ian (19:41)

So, like I said, we had the idea that he would give a eulogy for this burrito. We talked to him, and the conversation actually got more serious, more sincere than maybe our usual how to do everything interview.

Mike (19:55)

But we want you to hear it, because what we have here is actually helpful for people who are mourning, no matter what it is, burritos or not.

Ian (20:03)

Probably not a burrito. Okay, so here we go. Father Jim, what do you have for Rachel who says she's mourning a burrito?

Father James Martin (20:13)

And she's serious, right?

Mike (20:15)

Yes, inasmuch as anyone is. I think she told us that she would have this lunch. I think, Ian, correct me if I'm wrong, for, like, 10 years, this is what she would eat. And then something happened with the restaurant. It changed hands. She's gone back, and they are not able to recreate it. Yeah.

Father James Martin (20:34)

Well, it sounds like she's also grieving or mourning those 10 years, too. Right. So it probably represents something that's larger for her. Yeah. So maybe it's a question of just letting go of that part of your life or that period in your life, you know, more than letting go of the burrito.

Mike (20:52)

Yes.

Mike Conley (20:53)

Wow.

Ian (20:53)

Yeah, she, you know, so she had it for the last time a year and a half ago. She didn't know this was the last time she was going to have this burrito. So she didn't really have a chance to say goodbye, which I think is, you know, that echoes with some of my experience of grief when, you know, you often don't know that you're spending your last moments with a person or with, in her case, a burrito.

Father James Martin (21:19)

Yeah. I don't want to trivialize what she's talking about because it, you know, like Proust's Madeleine. Right. It can kind of stir up memories. And as I said, it does sound like she might be grieving the last 10 years. You know, I lost my mom a couple weeks ago, and I was actually with her on the last day of her life, so I was able to say goodbye. But for people, like, letting go of people, I think, you know, as a Christian, I believe, you know, they're in heaven and we can say goodbye to them in our prayer. One of the things that we can do to sort of help us say goodbye to something was something that was recommended. Recommended to me by a Trappist spiritual director, my mom had moved out of her house. And he said, as a meditation, why don't you imagine yourself going through the rooms with God, or if you're not a believer, just kind of going through those rooms and remembering all the things that happened in those rooms and letting it go, which was really quite powerful, you know, in your house, your. Your bedroom, the living room, kitchen, all that. And what happened to me in this meditation, which I found very powerful, was as I imagine myself leaving the house with Jesus in my prayer, my expected, in my meditation, I would shut the door, right. And that would be it. But the door was open, and I realized that I could go back anytime I wanted to. Right. I could go back to that imaginative recreation of my house and sort of live there and dwell there and remember things there. And maybe for your caller, you know, it's an invitation to go back and look at what happened in the last 10 years and kind of grieve that and say goodbye to it. That's really beautiful.

Mike (22:57)

That is.

Father James Martin (22:58)

Yeah, it was very helpful for me because I think the door to our memory is always open and, you know, with something even as simple as a burrito. And again, it's like Proust, Madeleine or something that can sort of trigger memories. You can always go back in your memory and thank God for that time, or if you're not religious, just be grateful, you know, for the time that has been given to you.

Ian (23:22)

I'm. I'm just. I. I feel like I just want to acknowledge my. The feelings that I'm having right now, which is. That is so beautiful. I also, I feel. I feel guilty that we have brought you this question about grieving a burrito when you are. Have experienced this very real loss in your life. And I'm very sorry for your loss. And it feels funny that we've brought up this burrito.

Father James Martin (23:45)

No, that's okay. You know, I would say everybody. That's why I asked specifically at the beginning if she was serious, because I want to make sure she was serious.

Mike Conley (23:52)

Yeah.

Father James Martin (23:53)

Everyone has different things that they grieve and, you know, not everyone has lost their mother in the last couple of months, but, you know, the loss of a job, the loss of relationship, the loss of a familiar way of life, which it sounds like this burrito represents. And, you know, I always say to people, everyone's suffering is meaningful to them.

Mike (24:12)

Right?

Father James Martin (24:12)

So we have to take it seriously. Everybody's sort of experiences are meaningful to themselves, so we have to take that seriously.

Mike (24:19)

This is surprisingly profound response to a loss of A burrito. But I think it. I think hopefully it will help Rachel.

Father James Martin (24:28)

I hope so. And I hope she's. You know, it's also, you know, there's lots of new burritos that you can try. Right. It's also about moving ahead, too.

Mike (24:38)

It's funny because it almost sounds like we're speaking euphemistically, but we are talking literally about a burrito.

Father James Martin (24:46)

I'm speaking a little bit more euphemistic, maybe metaphorically. Look, I mean, there's kind of gradations of grieving and saying goodbye and sadness. You know, in the middle, there's lots of stuff going on for people, and everybody has to say goodbye. You know, I think that's part of growing. Saying goodbye to something.

Mike (25:02)

Yeah.

Mike Conley (25:03)

Yeah.

Father James Martin (25:03)

Which means saying hello to something else.

Ian (25:05)

If you were to. If you were tasked with eulogizing a burrito for someone, where might you begin? This burrito, even this paneer tikka masala

Father James Martin (25:15)

breakfast burrito, Eulogizing it meaning kind of composing something that I guess a homily.

Ian (25:22)

Is that the right word of.

Father James Martin (25:23)

Yeah. I wouldn't just be blunt. I would not do a homily about a burrito. But I might say, okay, yeah. You know, you might say something to Rachel that maybe it would be good to write down the pleasant memories that were associated with that. Because it can't be just the burrito. I'm sure it's people she knew in the store and stuff that was going on in her life at the time and maybe people she ate the burrito with just to recall those things. There's a Jesuit prayer called the Examination of conscience where you recall things. You and Saint Ignatius, the founder of the Jesuit, said you savor them. You actually savor them like you're savoring a meal, and then you thank God. So part of it's just kind of calling that to mind and maybe listing the things that you're grateful for in conjunction with that experience.

Mike (26:10)

Well, this is great. Father James Martin, thank you so much for entertaining this question for us.

Father James Martin (26:18)

My pleasure. Thanks for inviting me on.

Ian (26:23)

Well, that does it for today's show. What we learned today, Mike.

Mike (26:27)

Well, I learned that high fiving or coming up with a cool handshake can actually hurt people. It can be dangerous if a player is wearing, like, fancy big rings.

Ian (26:39)

Yeah. Be careful what you have on your hand when you're high fiving someone.

Mike (26:43)

Actually, I do think if you ever, like, if you're somebody who's never won a championship, you never have that championship ring. In some ways, it makes it easier for you to be someone you can do a high five with.

Ian (26:56)

Yeah. So to the NBA team who in a few weeks loses the chance to fulfill your lifelong dream and you go home with nothing.

Mike (27:05)

Yeah.

Ian (27:05)

Keep in mind you're gonna give better handshakes.

Mike (27:07)

Better handshakes, better times, gentler handshakes.

Ian (27:10)

No one's gonna want them because you lost.

Mike (27:12)

Yeah.

Ian (27:12)

But in the rare opportunity somebody puts their hand up for you, you can rest easy knowing you're not going to hurt them.

Mike (27:20)

If you ever run into Charles Barkley, have no fear. You can give him the hardest high five ever because he never won a championship. Reggie Miller, you're welcome here. Let's shake hands.

Ian (27:31)

When Charles Barkley and Reggie Miller hear this episode, they're going to be really sad. How to Do Everything is produced by Skyler Swenson with technical direction from Lorna White.

Mike (27:42)

Go ahead and send us your questions. Send them to us@howtonpr.org, we're going on a short break, but we'll be back soon and we'll get to your questions, we promise.

Ian (27:52)

I'm Ian.

Mike (27:53)

And I'm Mike.

Mike Conley (27:54)

Thanks.

Andrea (27:54)

Thanks.

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