HTDE: Maury Povich and Sleeping Between the Pretties

Summary

Podcast Summary: "Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!" Episode – HTDE: Maury Povich and Sleeping Between the Pretties

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Introduction

In this episode of NPR's beloved weekly news quiz, "Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!", host Peter Sagal brings a unique twist by featuring an episode of the sister podcast, "How to Do Everything" (HTDE). This special edition, titled "Maury Povich and Sleeping Between the Pretties," delves into the humorous yet relatable dilemmas of married life, featuring television icon Maury Povich as a guest expert. Listeners are treated to witty banter, practical advice, and insightful discussions aimed at resolving common domestic disputes.

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Section 1: The Great Bed-Making Debate

The episode kicks off with a listener named Billy reaching out for help with a longstanding marital disagreement: the correct way to make a bed when using printed sheets. Billy explains the dilemma:

Billy [01:30]: "There's been a sort of an ongoing thing between me and my wife now for 29 years, going on almost 30, about how to make the bed. When you have printed sheets, does the printed top sheet go printed side up or printed side down?"

This seemingly trivial issue has been a source of tension for nearly three decades. Billy’s wife prefers the printed side of the top sheet facing down, allowing him to sleep "between the pretties," a term lovingly used by his wife. Conversely, Billy argues for the printed side facing up to ensure a uniform look.

Billy [01:58]: "She is the one who thinks the printed side of the top sheet should go down on the bed so that you're sleeping between the pretties, as she's."

Acknowledging the longevity of their relationship, Mike Danforth commends the couple:

Mike Danforth [02:32]: "Congratulations. 29 years, that's no small thing."

Notable Insight: The hosts humorously recognize that what may seem like a minor household preference can become a significant point of contention over time, highlighting the importance of communication and compromise in long-term relationships.

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Section 2: Consulting the Royal Butler

Determined to find an objective answer, Mike and Ian introduce Grant Howard, purportedly the former butler to King Charles and Queen Camilla, as the perfect authority on proper bed-making techniques.

Ian Chillag [03:01]: "So, Grant, what's the verdict?"

Grant provides a detailed explanation of making a perfect bed:

Grant Howard [03:22]: "So basically the first thing you would do is the actual first sheet that would go on the bed and it would all get tucked in and you do the hospital corners, nice crisp hospital corners. And then what you'd have is a top sheet, and that would be with the pattern down... And the pillowcases would always make sure you'd always have the opening towards each other so they'd all be facing into the bed."

Ultimately, Grant endorses Billy’s wife’s perspective:

Grant Howard [03:54]: "Yeah, she's absolutely right and he's completely wrong on this one."

The hosts playfully affirm Grant's authority by connecting his expertise to royal standards.

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Section 3: The Royal Alarm Clock

The conversation takes a whimsical turn as Mike inquires about King Charles's sleeping arrangements, leading to an amusing revelation about the Queen's unique alarm clock:

Ian Chillag [05:01]: "Does the king have an alarm clock?"

Grant Howard [05:01]: "Every morning, in the morning, they have a piper playing bagpipes outside the window. That's the alarm clock."

This lighthearted exchange underscores the blend of formality and personal quirks even within royal routines.

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Section 4: Addressing Embarrassing Moments – Telling Someone Their Zipper is Down

Transitioning from household disputes to social etiquette, Billy shares an awkward experience from graduate school where a professor’s open zipper became the focal point of unintended attention.

Billy [06:20]: "When it comes to telling somebody their zipper's down, that is bad news. It's embarrassing news."

To tackle this delicate situation, Maury Povich steps in with his seasoned advice:

Maury Povich [08:18]: "Sir, would you do me a favor and just turn away from anybody who's watching you right now... Zip it."

Maury's approach emphasizes directness while maintaining politeness, offering a pragmatic solution to a common social faux pas.

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Section 5: Personal Anecdotes and Reflections

Maury Povich shares a personal anecdote illustrating the importance of standing up for oneself:

Maury Povich [10:05]: "I went to the coach of the Washington Redskins one time... I said, 'Are you with us or against us?' That's when I decided to get out of the sportscasting business and go into news."

This story highlights the significance of addressing uncomfortable situations head-on, reinforcing the episode's theme of effective communication.

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Section 6: Practical Tips – Replacing Everyday Items

In a segment blending humor with practical advice, the hosts offer mnemonic devices to help listeners remember to replace everyday household items, such as toothbrushes, mascara, surge protectors, cutting boards, and sunscreen. For instance:

Ian Chillag [18:16]: "Brent, you should replace your toothbrush every three months. Every time somebody named Thron is born in America, toss out your toothbrush."

These creative reminders aim to assist listeners in maintaining good hygiene and safety practices with a touch of humor.

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Conclusion: Resolved Bed-Making Debate and Closing Remarks

The episode circles back to Billy's initial dilemma, bringing closure with a unanimous decision supporting his wife's method of bed-making. Karen, Billy’s wife, is present to celebrate the resolution:

Peter Sagal [25:44]: "Hi, Karen."

Billy [25:55]: "Yay."

Mike Danforth [26:04]: "We hope we wish you many excellent nights of sleep and a peaceful marriage in the future."

The hosts conclude the episode with heartfelt well-wishes, emphasizing the importance of resolving even the smallest disputes for a harmonious relationship.

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Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• Billy [01:30]: "There's been a sort of an ongoing thing between me and my wife now for 29 years... does the printed top sheet go printed side up or printed side down?"

• Grant Howard [03:22]: "Yeah, she's absolutely right and he's completely wrong on this one."

• Maury Povich [08:18]: "Sir, would you do me a favor and just turn away... Zip it."

• Maury Povich [10:05]: "That's when I decided to get out of the sportscasting business and go into news."

• Ian Chillag [18:16]: "Every time somebody named Thron is born in America, toss out your toothbrush and get a new one."

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Key Takeaways

1. Communication is Crucial: Whether it's about bed-making preferences or informing someone of an open zipper, clear and direct communication can prevent misunderstandings and maintain harmony.

2. Humor in Everyday Life: The episode effectively uses humor to address mundane yet significant issues, making the advice both entertaining and relatable.

3. Practical Advice with a Twist: By incorporating mnemonic devices and creative reminders, the hosts provide listeners with memorable tips to manage household responsibilities efficiently.

4. Expert Opinions Matter: Consulting an expert, even in a humorous context like a royal butler, adds credibility and a touch of sophistication to everyday problems.

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Final Thoughts

This episode of "Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me!" seamlessly blends humor, practical advice, and engaging storytelling to address common household and social dilemmas. Featuring the charismatic Maury Povich, listeners are not only entertained but also equipped with useful strategies to enhance their daily lives and relationships. Whether it's perfecting the art of bed-making or tactfully handling awkward social moments, the episode underscores the value of effective communication and the joy of resolving long-standing disputes with a smile.

Transcript

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[Peter Sagal]

Hey guys, it's Peter. We are back with another episode of our sister podcast, how to Do Everything. This week Mike and Ian host television icon Maury Povich to help a listener who needs some guidance while telling someone something they do not want to hear. Speaking of not wanting to hear things, if you, in fact do not want to hear how to Do Everything in the Wait Wait feed, hey, you came here for limericks and poop jokes. You don't want this useful advice. Well, not to worry. How to Do Everything will not be in this feed forever. So if you do want to listen to it, well, then make sure you go over to their separate feed and give them a follow there. And if you want to hear both how to Do Everything and Wait, wait, don't tell me. Or just one of them or none of them. Well, not none of them. Without sponsor messages along with exclusive games and behind the scenes content, make sure to sign up for Wait, wait, don't tell me. [e-mail] and I just want to say before we get to the episode, the question they ask Maury Povich for help with, I could have told them how to do it. I have some experience here. Anyway, enjoy the show.

[Mike Danforth]

Hey, Billy, what can we help you with?

[Billy]

Well, there's been a sort of an ongoing thing between me and my wife now for 29 years, going on almost 30, about how to make the bed. When you have printed sheets, do the, the printed top sheet, does it go printed side up or printed side down?

[Mike Danforth]

Yeah.

[Ian Chillag]

Okay. So you and your wife, who's on which side?

[Billy]

She is the one who thinks the printed side of the top sheet should go down on the bed so that you're sleeping between the pretties, as she's.

[Mike Danforth]

Always told me, between the pretties.

[Billy]

And I'm the one who the printed side should be up on both sheets just because they match that way.

[Ian Chillag]

So. Okay. So you said this has been a debate, a crisis in your marriage for 29 years. Correct.

[Billy]

Wow.

[Mike Danforth]

Well, first of all, congratulations. 29 years, that's no small thing.

[Billy]

I appreciate that.

[Mike Danforth]

Especially with tensions running high as they are. Billy, we're going to do our best to save your marriage and get an answer to this question.

[Billy]

I would be most appreciative.

[Ian Chillag]

All right. I think we have the perfect person to decide this for us. I feel like there is an objective right answer here.

[Mike Danforth]

Grant, what's the best way to identify you?

[Grant Howard]

A lot of people just say, I'm Grant Hard, former butler to King Charles and Queen Camilla.

[Ian Chillag]

Normally that is Grant Howard, the former butler to King Charles. And we figure if anybody would know the proper way to make a bed, it is Grant. So, Grant, what's the verdict?

[Grant Howard]

So basically the first thing you would do is the actual first sheet that would go on the bed and it would all get tucked in and you do the hospital corners, nice crisp hospital corners. And then what you'd have is a nick sheet and that would be quite. As your listener, his wife was saying, it'd be the other way round. It would be with the pattern down and just to be really exact with this. And the pillowcases would always make sure you'd always have the opening towards each other so they'd all be facing in into the bed. And that's how you'd make your perfect bed, technically.

[Ian Chillag]

Wow. So I'm just going to say, by royal decree, Billy's wife is correct.

[Grant Howard]

Yeah, she's absolutely right and he's completely wrong on this one.

[Mike Danforth]

Well, I feel like we should just clarify though, Grant. Specifically, King Charles sleeps between the pretties.

[Grant Howard]

I can't confirm or deny that, but if he has had it done the way that I was taught, then he would sleep in between the pretties.

[Ian Chillag]

I have to ask, does King Charles sleep in a king size bed?

[Grant Howard]

His bed's just a ca. I can't really get the details of it, but it's just a normal bed. Wait, if I can say that.

[Mike Danforth]

Let me say this though, Grant, because I may do you one better. It's a normal bed for him. He's a king, therefore it's a king size bed. Uh huh.

[Grant Howard]

Oh, that's good. Yeah, that's very good. That's very good. Yeah, King was in a king size bed. That'd be the perfect. That'd be the perfect scenario.

[Mike Danforth]

Can I ask this question? So when you make your bed, do you, Grant, sleep between the pretties?

[Grant Howard]

Oh yes.

[Ian Chillag]

Yeah, 100% thinking about his sleep and that part of his life. Does the king have an alarm clock?

[Grant Howard]

I don't know. But on saying that Queen Elizabeth and he now has this. So this is pretty cool. What I do know for a fact is that every morning, in the morning, they have a piper playing bagpipes outside the window.

[Mike Danforth]

Really?

[Ian Chillag]

That's her.

[Grant Howard]

That's the, that's the alarm clock, basically. So you have a piper outside playing bagpipes in the morning. That's. That's the alarm clock.

[Ian Chillag]

Could. Could she snooze the.

[Grant Howard]

So she had a. I don't think you could. I don't think you could shut out the window and tell the bagpipes to stop. Yeah, I think it was just gone for five or ten minutes.

[Mike Danforth]

Wow. What song does the bagpiper play?

[Grant Howard]

I'm actually not. I don't really know. I think it's just a Scottish. Probably a lament or something or a piece of Scottish music.

[Mike Danforth]

Let's be honest. They all sound the same, don't they, Grant?

[Grant Howard]

That's what. Well, I'm Scottish and that's what I was thinking. I wouldn't give them. I don't really. It all does kind of sound similar, especially when you've had a few whiskies.

[Mike Danforth]

Well, Grant, thank you so much for helping Billy.

[Grant Howard]

My pleasure.

[Mike Danforth]

Helping save Billy's marriage.

[Grant Howard]

Well, hopefully we saved his marriage.

[Ian Chillag]

This is how to do everything. I'm Ian.

[Mike Danforth]

And I'm Mike. On today's show, how to remember to.

[Ian Chillag]

Change your toothbrush or your toilet brush, even some things that are not brushes. But first.

[Mike Danforth]

Hey, Jack, what can we do for you?

[Billy]

Well, I had this long ago problem that cropped up about how to tell someone that their fly is open. This came up when I was in graduate school. I happened to be in a class that was about medieval theology, and it was taught by a priest. And he came in to lecture one day, and not only was his fly open, but some of his shirt tail was hanging out of it. And I had this visceral recollection of all the students kind of looking at each other and what should we do? Should we say something or how do we bring this to his attention? And of course, we did nothing. And at the end of the lecture, the priest remarked that he had never had a class that had been so enthralled with the topic of original sin before.

[Mike Danforth]

So, Jack, in that class, and I imagine. How long was it? Like an hour long?

[Billy]

Yeah.

[Mike Danforth]

And was the lecturer, the priest behind a lectern or just all out in front, no coverage?

[Billy]

I seem to remember that there was a lectern, but he was clearly visible.

[Mike Danforth]

Yeah.

[Ian Chillag]

So we're going to try and find somebody to help you. In the meantime, I think Mike and I would like to absolve you of.

[Mike Danforth]

Your guilt for the.

[Billy]

Thank you.

[Ian Chillag]

Telling somebody they have their zipper down, that is bad news. It's embarrassing news. We have just got somebody on the line with a great deal of experience delivering bad news.

[Billy]

Hello.

[Mike Danforth]

Hello, Maury?

[Ian Chillag]

Yes, Maury Povich, you have told maybe more people embarrassing news than anybody else in the world. Do you have any advice for Jack what we should do when we need to tell somebody their zipper's down?

[Billy]

Well, I, I have an alternative solution in the most polite way. I, I would look at the professor and I would just stare slightly below his belt, hoping, hoping that he would say, is there something wrong? And I would just point down there, make him look at it, and then he would be on his own. And if that did not work, I would be a little more forceful. I would say, sir, can you turn around? I'm going to go over there and just look at me, no one else. And when it comes to your open zipper, professor, zip it.

[Ian Chillag]

Just very direct.

[Mike Danforth]

Yeah, that is direct.

[Billy]

Well, as you know, on my show it's always been when it comes to the case of six month old Samantha, what are you going to do? What are you going to do? You are the father or you're not the father.

[Mike Danforth]

That's another case where maybe zip it would have been the best advice. Am I right, Maury?

[Billy]

Yeah. Would have told the guy, zip it before other things happen.

[Ian Chillag]

Are you in your, in your personal life, outside of the show, are you good at, at being direct with people, telling people things? Maybe. That would be hard to say, unfortunately.

[Billy]

Around most of the people who know me. That's correct.

[Mike Danforth]

Do you have any moments in your life when you look back, Maury, that are like Jack's, where you were facing a situation and you had one choice, you could do the right thing, and then you're like, I don't think I can do that. And then you've lived to regret it.

[Billy]

I'll give you one example. I used to be a sportscaster and I used to cover the then Washington Redskins football team. And I was a sportscaster for a long time and for a while and about for 10 years. And I went to the coach of the Washington Redskins one time and it was in the locker room and there's this bottle of pills. I mean, it could have been salt pills, who knows? And I said, coach, what are these pills that maybe they're uppers or downers or whatever? And the coach looked at me and said, mari, are you with us or against us? That's when, that's when I decided to get out of the sportscasting business and go into news.

[Ian Chillag]

Wow.

[Billy]

Nobody would ever in news say things like that about whether you're with us. Or against us.

[Mike Danforth]

Oh, that's great.

[Ian Chillag]

Well, I think. I'm thinking that for. For somebody like Jack or any of our listeners who might be. Might come upon somebody with their zipper down, it would be helpful to have Maury Povich telling them their zippers down. Could. Could you just. Just record. I don't know if you want to speak directly to the person with their zipper down.

[Billy]

Okay. So, sir. I'm looking at you, sir. Sir, would you do me a favor and just turn away from anybody who's watching you right now? Because I want to tell you something, sir. When it comes to your open zipper. Zip it.

[Ian Chillag]

That was riveting.

[Mike Danforth]

Thank you, Maury. That's terrific.

[Billy]

I want to tell you something. You don't think that's happened to me, and now that I'm. Now that I'm in my ninth decade, guess what? It happens more often.

[Mike Danforth]

What was. Have you. Do you have a memory of somebody telling you that. That your zipper was down?

[Billy]

No, it's not that. Yeah. You know, my wife has told me that on occasion. That's the only person I can remember.

[Mike Danforth]

Well, let me ask you this. When your wife, who is legendary journalist Connie Chung, tells you that your zipper is down, what does she say?

[Billy]

She says, mari, zip it up, please.

[Mike Danforth]

Well, Maury Povich, thank you so much for helping us out.

[Billy]

I appreciate it. Gentlemen. Thank you.

[Ian Chillag]

Hey, if you have a question for us, whatever it is, get it to [e-mail] we look at all our emails.

[Mike Danforth]

We read all our reviews, and they're so great. Everybody has nothing but positive things to say about us. Join the [e-mail] it sounds like you're.

[Ian Chillag]

Being sarcastic, but I actually haven't seen anything bad.

[Mike Danforth]

No, I wasn't being sarcastic. Did it sound like I was being sarcastic?

[Ian Chillag]

You did. You sounded like you were pointedly talking to somebody who had given us a bad review. Hina, I'm here. Did Mike sound sarcastic to you?

[Mike Danforth]

I think he sounded a little sarcastic.

[Ian Chillag]

Whether or not Mike is being sarcastic, I feel like he was. Get us your [e-mail] and remember, we love you.

[Mike Danforth]

We do. That sounded sincere, right? This message comes from NPR sponsor Ford, introducing the Mustang Mach E Rally. Chief engineer Donna Dixon shares why the Mustang Mach e rally takes EVs further into the performance space.

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[Mike Danforth]

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[Ian Chillag]

Hey Brent, what can we help you with?

[Mike Danforth]

My question is how often should I replace my toothbrush? Okay, every six months or so I go to the dentist and they give me a new toothbrush and I was told I should replace it every three to four months. But sometimes when I'm at the store I see that there are new kinds of toothbrushes which are available which seemed to have more advanced materials and the bristles seem to be stronger and stiffer and So I just got curious one day I was brushing my teeth and thinking about your show, and this just occurred to me as a question I should ask. Sure, Brent, let me ask you this question. How are your teeth? What kind of condition are your teeth in? Oh, thank you for asking. Well, thanks to decades of my mother and father paying for dentists and orthodontists, I'm okay. Teeth wise. I have a mild case of gingivitis, which I'm trying to get rid of. Okay. Yeah, I think so.

[Ian Chillag]

I think there's also. There's a. There's a kind of secondary problem with this question, which is like, you know, if we were to figure out. Get the authority that says it's every three and a half months, I'm maybe not necessarily going to put that in my calendar. I'm not going to. To have the date of. I'm not going to remember when I got the toothbrush. And I think about, like, with replacing your smoke alarm, your smoke detector. There's that thing when you set your clocks forward or back for daylight savings, replace your batteries in your smoke detector. So that's, like, you just have this reminder that is part of culture.

[Mike Danforth]

Yeah.

[Ian Chillag]

So I think it would be helpful for something like this to also have, like, whenever this thing happens, replace your toothbrush. I wonder if we get. If we're going to be able to track down something like that, too, and possibly get rid of the mild case of gingivitis.

[Mike Danforth]

I appreciate that. Thank you. I wish you good luck.

[Ian Chillag]

All right, Brent, we have a solution. We've done a little bit of research, and we have that sort of mnemonic guide, like the smoke detectors that will help you remember when to replace your toothbrush, but also some other household items when we can replace those. And Hina, our producer, is joining us.

[Mike Danforth]

Hi, guys. Hey, Hina.

[Ian Chillag]

So, Brent, here we go. Here's a little. I think a little music. Okay. Okay, Brent, you should replace your toothbrush every three months. And because, you know you're unlikely to remember, every three months, you need to replace your toothbrush every time somebody named Thron is born in America.

[Mike Danforth]

Thron.

[Ian Chillag]

There are four. Four thrones. That's T H R O N. Like Ron, but with a T H in front of him.

[Mike Danforth]

T H, R O N. Like the word throne minus E. Yes.

[Ian Chillag]

Or the word throne minus W. Two.

[Mike Danforth]

Things can be true.

[Ian Chillag]

Keep your eye on the demographic data. Every time you see someone named Thrawn born, go ahead and toss out your toothbrush and get a new one.

[Mike Danforth]

Okay. That's A good one. What else? What else can we use?

[Ian Chillag]

Mascara. It's important to replace mascara, okay. For your eye health. And you should do that every two to four months. And according to one source, that's typically how often the average person gets sick. So every time you get sick, replace your mascara.

[Mike Danforth]

Can I ask. Can I ask you, hina, do you wear mascara? I'm currently sick and I've never replaced my mascara. I think I've had it might be why you're sick. I think I've had it since I was like, 15 years old. The same one? The same one? No. I think, yeah.

[Ian Chillag]

Are you sick with pink eye by any chance?

[Mike Danforth]

No. Okay. I'm not. Huh.

[Ian Chillag]

Okay. So I think every time you get sick, replace your mascara. And I think we need to go get hina some. Some new mascara.

[Mike Danforth]

That's a good idea. And some dayquil. Okay.

[Ian Chillag]

Surge protectors need to be replaced every three to five years because they lose their surge protection while they still work as. As, you know, an outlet. They lose their surge protection, really? Capability. So what you want to do. That's the same cadence as whenever the USDA publishes new data on llama farming.

[Mike Danforth]

Okay?

[Ian Chillag]

So keep your eye on the new. On the USDA website, whenever you see new data on llama farming or mink farming, you're going to want to replace your surge protector.

[Mike Danforth]

So with surge protectors, the whole thing, the whole purpose of it, it's gonna save you from overloading the electrical circuit, right?

[Ian Chillag]

That's. Yes.

[Mike Danforth]

And that just kind of on its own breaks down sometime between three and five years. If you're at five years, every day is a gift.

[Ian Chillag]

Your computer is about to explode.

[Mike Danforth]

Yeah. Wow. I had no idea. And I'm sure I've never done that.

[Ian Chillag]

A lot of people don't realize you have to replace your plastic cutting boards.

[Mike Danforth]

Oh, God. This makes sense to me.

[Ian Chillag]

I've been hina. How old is your cutting board?

[Mike Danforth]

Oh, since I was in college. I just used the same cutting board, scale wise. I don't think that actually is that crazy. Let's be honest. Six years, maybe. Yeah, that's still okay. From the beginning of college.

[Ian Chillag]

All right, so you need to replace your plastic cutting board every two years.

[Mike Danforth]

Okay.

[Ian Chillag]

And the best mnemonic for that is there are 28 Barry Manilow fan clubs in the country.

[Mike Danforth]

Okay.

[Ian Chillag]

But every two years, those 28 clubs get together and have a convention, which Barry Manilow attends.

[Mike Danforth]

Really?

[Ian Chillag]

So keep your eye on that calendar. Whenever the Barry Manilow fan club convention meets, you're going to want to throw out your cutting board and get a new one.

[Mike Danforth]

Do they have a name like Jimmy Buffett? Fans are called Parrot Heads.

[Ian Chillag]

I'm looking it up. Looking it up.

[Mike Danforth]

Yeah, that's right.

[Ian Chillag]

Oh, okay. Wow. I'm glad you asked because. Yeah, Fanilo. They're called fanolo.

[Mike Danforth]

I thought you were about to say they were called barracudas.

[Ian Chillag]

Okay, here's a good one. A lot of people don't realize, and this is serious, you have to replace your sunscreen. Sunscreen goes bad and loses its effectiveness every three years.

[Mike Danforth]

Okay?

[Ian Chillag]

So what you want to do to remember that is subscribe to Model Railroader magazine, okay? And every time Rod Stewart appears on the COVID you're gonna wanna replace your sunscreen because Rod Stewart appears on the COVID of Model Railroader magazine every three years.

[Mike Danforth]

Wow. Good for you, Rod. That's fantastic. I mean, it's crazy to me that Rod Stewart, the guy who's saying, if you think I'm sexy, is that deep into model railroad cars. Do you not think model railroad cars are sexy? I don't. All right. To each their own.

[Ian Chillag]

The rest of that line, if you think I'm sexy, well, that's where you're wrong, bud.

[Mike Danforth]

All right, Brent, thanks to Ian's hard work, I think we've now saved you and your mouth from any future catastrophes related to your old toothbrush. Well, that does it for this week's show. What'd you learn, Ian?

[Ian Chillag]

Well, I learned that whatever bed a king is sleeping in, by definition becomes a king size bed. So even if it's a tiny cot, maybe for some reason he's sleeping in a twin bunk bed.

[Mike Danforth]

Yeah, that.

[Ian Chillag]

It's. It's like Air Force One, you know, whatever plane the president is on, Even if it's not the official Air Force One, if the president of the United States is on a plane, you have to call that Air Force One.

[Mike Danforth]

It becomes Air Force One. Wow. Let me ask you this question. What if there was a king who was a twin who had a brother? Does that bed that he's sleeping in become a twin bed?

[Ian Chillag]

If the king sleeps on the floor, does then the entire world become a king size bed? And then are we, as the human race, all in bed together?

[Mike Danforth]

Well, I learned that the queen doesn't have an alarm clock, but instead she has a bagpiper outside her window. Do you think if you had the option for an alarm clock that was a musician playing outside, what would you choose? Choose? Queen has a bagpiper. What would you have?

[Ian Chillag]

I think it would be very interesting to wake up to have a harpist out there. Somebody with a harp.

[Mike Danforth]

Yeah.

[Ian Chillag]

Because they would make the sound that we typically associate with beginning a dream to wake me up. So I would lose my grip on reality because I would never know what was a dream and what was real.

[Mike Danforth]

Yeah.

[Ian Chillag]

And I would slowly become disconnected to the rest of humanity, losing my mind.

[Mike Danforth]

How to Do Everything is produced by Hina Srivastava. Technical direction from Lorna White.

[Ian Chillag]

Our intern is Kelly Cook.

[Mike Danforth]

Keep smelling, Kelly.

[Ian Chillag]

Get us your questions@how topr.org I'm Ian.

[Mike Danforth]

And I'm Mike.

[Ian Chillag]

Thanks, Billy. We have a. We have a verdict. We've, we've gone out into the world. We've got some, we've done some research, and we're ready to tell you who's right, you, you or your wife.

[Billy]

Well, she's here with me, so.

[Mike Danforth]

Oh, she is.

[Billy]

We'll see how this goes.

[Mike Danforth]

What's your wife's name?

[Billy]

Karen.

[Mike Danforth]

Karen. Okay.

[Ian Chillag]

Hi, Karen.

[Mike Danforth]

Hi.

[Billy]

How are y'all?

[Ian Chillag]

All right. So according to the royal butler, the proper way to sleep is between the prettiest.

[Mike Danforth]

Yes.

[Billy]

Oh, good.

[Mike Danforth]

Congratulations, Karen.

[Billy]

Yay.

[Mike Danforth]

And, Billy, how do you feel now?

[Billy]

I have a feeling there's a little bit of humble pie in my future.

[Ian Chillag]

Well, we hope we wish you all many excellent nights of sleep and a peaceful marriage in the future.

[Billy]

Thank you, guys. Appreciate it.

[Mike Danforth]

Bye.

[Billy]

Bye.

[NPR Sponsor]

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