We go to confessional with Father James Martin

Summary

Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me! — "We go to confessional with Father James Martin"

Date: April 25, 2026
Host: Tom Papa (filling in for Peter Sagal)
Panelists: Shantira Jackson, Josh Gondelman, Katie Nolan
Special Guest: Father James Martin, SJ

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Overview

This episode of NPR’s “Wait Wait... Don’t Tell Me!” brings together comedians and quick-witted panelists for the weekly news quiz, with Tom Papa subbing for Peter Sagal. The highlight is a heartfelt and humorous segment with New York Times bestselling author and Jesuit priest Father James Martin, discussing his new book “Work in Progress” and reflecting on his many prior jobs, the lessons learned, and the current state of faith in America. As always, there’s no shortage of sharp banter, creative twists on news stories, and playful celebrity interviews.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Opening Banter and News Quiz Rounds (00:45–11:53)

• Host Introduction & Housekeeping: Tom Papa opens with jokes about filling in for Sagal and the irreverent tradition surrounding NPR’s “Bring Your Child to Work Day.”
• Panel Introduction: Panelists are introduced with their signature comedic flair.
• Listener Game: "Who's Bill This Time?"
  • News Quiz Highlights:
    • FBI Director Kash Patel's Drunkenness
      Panelists riff on a report alleging excessive drinking by Patel. "I've never been battering ram drunk." (Tom Papa, 04:37)
    • Robot Sets Half Marathon World Record
      Lively speculation about whether the robot had “nipples bleeding” and how it compared to human runners. "Next year, it will murder all the humans at the starting line." (Tom Papa, 07:14)
    • Rising Cost of Drinks Leading to Adult 'Pre-gaming'
      Humorous takes on $20 White Claws. "If there's a $20 White Claw on offer, that better be the claw of an endangered species." (Josh Gondelman, 09:17)
  • Listener Blanca from St. Paul, Minnesota, sweeps the segment with video game-fueled energy.

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2. Odd News, Invention Patents & More Panel Quiz (09:50 – 11:53)

• Weird Inventions:
  • Chinese electric cars have patented a passenger seat that turns into a voice-activated toilet.
    • “Excuse me, fellas. Startup toilet function.” (Tom Papa, 10:38)
    • “This would be called 'It’s a Terrible Life.'” (Josh Gondelman, 11:29)

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3. Bluff the Listener – Job Openings You Won't Believe (13:39–19:58)

• Wildest Jobs Panel Game:
  • Dog Breath Sniffer for Spot and Tango (the real news story, confirmed by a company rep at 19:30)
  • Dating Copilot for Plenty of Fish (Katie Nolan's fabrication)
  • Fun Guy Insurance for weddings (Shantira Jackson's fabrication)
• Memorable Moment: Even panelist Josh Gondelman couldn't believe “Dog Breath Sniffer” was real. "This was the first time on the show and was given the real story and was like, there's no way." (Josh Gondelman, 19:47)

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4. "Not My Job": Father James Martin Interview (21:04–30:38)

Segment Overview

Father James Martin joins for a delightful conversation about his diverse resume, latest book, and relationship with faith and pop culture.

Highlights:

• Confessions of a Serial Summer Worker:
  Reflects humorously on being the “world’s worst caddy” and nearly being struck by lightning.

  “I realized that I was standing under a tree in the middle of an electrical storm holding a bag of lightning rods.”
  (Father James Martin, 21:38)

• Lessons Learned:
  • Emphasizes the value of hard work and humility.

    “When you're humiliated as a busboy or a dishwasher or a caddy, you learn how not to humiliate people. It was as effective as a year's worth of homilies on being kind.”
    (Father James Martin, 22:11)

• The Great Role Model:
  • Describes Pope Leo as “wonderful... kind and smart and reserved and prayerful” and quips about his “flawless Chicago English.” (24:26)
  • Shares a humble anecdote about realizing “No, Jim, you were at his table.” (25:25)
• Quiz – Stadium Concessions:
  • Father Martin aces questions about Cracker Jacked Power Bites, tiramisu in little hats, and the $5 beer at Mercedes-Benz Stadium.
• Panel banter:
  “I absolve you 40 years later.” (Father James Martin, 22:52)

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5. Listener Limerick Challenge (32:49–41:13)

A game focused on humorous news-based limericks, with winning answers involving:

• The importance of actually washing your pants.
• Scientific “discoveries” that cocaine makes salmon swim faster.
• A Lego/pasta scam: replacing Lego sets with dried noodles for financial gain.

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6. Lightning Fill in the Blank – News on Speed (43:21–48:55)

Panelists race through current events in a rapid-fire quiz format.

• Stories touched include: U.S.–Iran conflict, Spirit Airlines, TSA agent shortages, AI job threats, fake Rolexes, bendable iPhones, and more.
• Fun asides, e.g. insurance scammers using bear costumes, “He had singed eyebrows. He was Wile E. Coyoteing.” (Josh Gondelman, 44:20)

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7. Closing Prediction (50:01–50:32)

Panelists jokingly guess what robots will beat humans at next:

• “The jobs that don't actually need to be done. CEOs.” (Shantira Jackson, 50:01)
• “Going to beat us at war.” (Katie Nolan, 50:06)
• “A robot will dance the robot with such precision...people will think it is a human.” (Josh Gondelman, 50:16)

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Notable Quotes & Moments (with Timestamps)

• "I've never been battering ram drunk." — Tom Papa (04:37)
• "Next year, it will murder all the humans at the starting line." — Tom Papa on marathon robots (07:14)
• “If you're telling me there’s a $20 White Claw on offer, that better be the claw of an endangered species.” — Josh Gondelman (09:17)
• “When you’re humiliated as a busboy or a dishwasher or a caddy, you learn how not to humiliate people. It was as effective as a year’s worth of homilies on being kind.” — Father James Martin (22:11)
• “He’s wonderful. I mean, I don’t have to tell a Chicago audience… kind and smart and reserved and prayerful.” — Father James Martin on Pope Leo (24:51)
• "This was the first time that I’ve ever been on the show and was given the real story and was like, there’s no way." — Josh Gondelman, after learning about the real “Dog Breath Sniffer” job (19:47)
• “I absolve you 40 years later.” — Father James Martin (22:52)
• "A robot will dance the robot with such precision and artistry that people will paradoxically think it is a human." — Josh Gondelman (50:16)

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Important Timestamps

• Panelist Introductions & Opening Game: 00:45–03:15
• FBI Drunkenness News Story: 03:15–05:24
• Robot Marathon Story: 05:47–07:49
• $20 White Claw & Pre-gaming Segment: 07:51–09:29
• Chinese Car Toilet Invention: 09:50–11:38
• Dog Breath Sniffer/Bluff the Listener: 13:39–19:58
• Father James Martin Interview: 21:04–30:38
• Listener Limerick Challenge: 32:49–41:13
• Lightning Fill in the Blank: 43:21–48:55
• Robot Predictions: 50:01–50:32

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Tone & Style

The episode balances topical humor, offbeat trivia, and sincere insights with guest Father James Martin. The panel’s quick wit keeps things light, and Father Martin’s warmth adds a compassionate counterbalance, blending sincerity and laughter seamlessly. The show’s signature irreverence shines through in lampooning everything from robot athletes to cruise ship disasters—while managing moments of genuine heart and wisdom.

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Summary for New Listeners

If you missed the episode, you’ll catch hilarious riffs on the wildest news of the week, absurd job openings (would you sniff dog breath for science?), and a wonderful guest segment with Father James Martin blending real-life lessons, pop culture, and trivia. The panel’s banter and absurd news stories are punctuated by memorable one-liners and, in classic NPR fashion, some surprisingly thoughtful moments—making this an energizing, funny, and feel-good listen.

Transcript

[Announcer]

This message comes from Whole Foods Market. Make Mother's Day special with quality cheese and charcuterie, sustainable, wild, caught or responsibly farmed seafood and seasonal bakery treats. Celebrate mom with Whole Foods Market.

[Bill Curtis]

From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is Wait, wait, don't tell me, the NPR News quiz. Screw you, seasonal allergies. I'm the voice. So fine even my sneezes sound like music. I'm Bill Curtis and here is your host at the Studebaker Theater at the Fine Arts Building in Chicago, Illinois, Tom Papa.

[Tom Papa]

Thank you, Bill, and thanks everybody. I'm Tom Papa, filling in for Peter Sagal who tricked me into a house swap my my house for his dirty office. We, we have a great show for you today. We'll be talking to New York Times best selling author Father James Martin. But first, this week we celebrate the 10th anniversary of the time an NPR employee brought their kid for Bring youg Child to Work Day. And this is true. That child hit a button and caused a full minute of dead air during MORNING Edition. Each year we honor the day by giving you an hour of radio you wish was dead air. So give us a call to play our games. The number is 1-888-wait-wait. That's 1-888-924-8924. It's time to welcome our first listener contestant. Hi. You're on. Wait, wait, don't tell me.

[Caller]

Hi. Hi.

[Tom Papa]

Hi.

[Caller]

This is Blanca and my son Matteo is next to me. Hi. And we're calling from St. Paul, Minnesota.

[Tom Papa]

Ah, St. Paul, Minnesota. Love St. Paul. What do you do for fun in St. Paul?

[Caller]

I, I just sit around in the basement and play video games.

[Tom Papa]

Most of them. Living the dream, kid. Living the dream. Now, Blanca, let us introduce you to our panel. First up, she's a writer and a comedian who most recently wrote for Clean Slate, available now on prime, it's Shantira Jackson.

[Shantira Jackson]

Hello, Blanca. Hi.

[Tom Papa]

Next, the comedian who will be performing at the Blue Ridge Comedy Club In Bristol, Tex. May 29th and 30th, it's Josh Gondelman.

[Josh Gondelman]

Hello.

[Tom Papa]

Hello.

[Shantira Jackson]

Hello.

[Tom Papa]

And making her debut on our panel, she's a celebrity Jeopardy finalist and the Emmy award winning host of the podcast Casuals, it's Katie Nolan.

[Shantira Jackson]

Hi, Blanca. Hi.

[Bill Curtis]

Hi.

[Tom Papa]

Welcome to the show. Blanca, you're going to play who's Bill this time, Bill Curtis is going to read you three quotes from this week's news. If you can correctly identify or explain two of them, you'll win our prize. Any voice from our show, you choose on your voicemail. You Ready?

[Caller]

Yes.

[Tom Papa]

All right, good luck. Here's your first quote.

[Bill Curtis]

He's known to drink to excess at Ned's in D.C. and at the Poodle Room in Las Vegas.

[Tom Papa]

That's from a report in the Atlantic alleging that the nation's top law enforcement officers drinking compromised several high stakes investigations. Who is it?

[Shantira Jackson]

Oh, my God.

[Katie Nolan]

I don't know.

[Caller]

Can I have him?

[Tom Papa]

He likes to pay cash.

[Caller]

Cash Patel, FBI.

[Tom Papa]

That's right. Cash Patel. The FBI director is facing calls to resign after a report in the Atlantic found he was, quote, conspicuously inebriated and frequently missed work because of his drinking. The report was based on testimony from multiple FBI agents and on just watching Kash Patel do anything.

[Josh Gondelman]

That does kind of explain why in every picture he looks surprised. His picture he's taken like his parents just busted him sneaking in after curfew. Like, that's always his face.

[Shantira Jackson]

I feel like if I worked for this administration, I would need to drink as well.

[Katie Nolan]

You have to. Exactly.

[Shantira Jackson]

He doesn't want to remember anything.

[Tom Papa]

The FBI at one point reportedly had to use breaching equipment to get into his apartment because they couldn't wake him up. Okay, look, I've been drunk before, but I've never been battering ram drunk.

[Shantira Jackson]

Who wanted him awake?

[Tom Papa]

Everyone who works for him is like, boss, what do we do?

[Shantira Jackson]

That's like the kid who used to raise their hand and ask where the homework was.

[Josh Gondelman]

I wonder if it was more like, my boss isn't here. We get to wake him up with a battering ram.

[Tom Papa]

Patel is suing The Atlantic for $250 million for defamation. Is it really implying that Patel once actually thought he was famous?

[Katie Nolan]

Where do you get that number from? Where's the 250 million?

[Josh Gondelman]

It's the number you come up with when your pretty hammers. $200 million.

[Tom Papa]

All right, your next quote is from Scientific American describing the winner of a half marathon last weekend.

[Bill Curtis]

Long legs like elite runners, and a liquid circulation system adapted from smartphones.

[Tom Papa]

That runner beat all the competition and broke the half marathon world record, making it the first ever. What to do that robot. Robot, yes. Good job. This year, a humanoid robot beat all the humans at Beijing's E Town half marathon. Many people run half marathons for the feeling of joy and accomplishment. So of course, some scientists were like, but what if you could do it without that and faster?

[Josh Gondelman]

I'm unimpressed.

[Tom Papa]

Oh, yeah.

[Josh Gondelman]

We already have so many robots that are faster than people. We just don't make them race us. I flew here in an airplane that would win a half Marathon instantaneously.

[Katie Nolan]

I just want to know if the robot also pees and poops down its leg and it runs.

[Josh Gondelman]

Do you think the robot can't stop telling other robots that it just ran a half marathon?

[Tom Papa]

My nipples are bleeding. Well, for the past several years, Beijing has been hosting the Humanoid Robot Half Marathon. Last year, the winning time was 2 hours and 40 minutes. This year, it was 50 minutes.

[Katie Nolan]

Oh, my God.

[Tom Papa]

Yeah. Next year, it will murder all the humans at the starting line.

[Katie Nolan]

Who are the humans that are signing up for to get smoked by these robots? It's embarrassing.

[Shantira Jackson]

Well, I saw it. I know radio. It's not a visual medium, but you should know, he looked goofy. Yeah. It is important to say. It is important to say that if you win and you look like that, you are a loser.

[Tom Papa]

Yeah. But for the first time, when they put that silver blanket on them, it actually made sense.

[Josh Gondelman]

Mommy. Are you my mommy?

[Tom Papa]

All right, here's your last quote.

[Bill Curtis]

I saw the $20 white claw and I thought, wow, I'm really glad I pregamed that.

[Tom Papa]

Was someone telling the Wall Street Journal that like many adults, they're saving money by doing what at home? Cooking, drinking.

[Shantira Jackson]

Cooking.

[Tom Papa]

You said cooking. Yeah, drinking. You'? Yeah, that's what they're doing. They're now drinking at home before they go out. This is why I drink home before I go out. Right. Because of the economy.

[Bill Curtis]

Right?

[Josh Gondelman]

Honey, I'm being financially sound right now.

[Tom Papa]

I'm not doing shots because your friends are annoying. Pre gaming, as it's called, a thing you already knew. If you're cool is common among college students. But now more and more actual adults are doing it. For example, a single cocktail at a musical in New York can cost $36. Look, just stay home. I'll tell you the ending. Hamilton died

[Shantira Jackson]

for $36. You gotta let me sing a little bit. We're doing karaoke now.

[Tom Papa]

If you're serious about saving money, you pre game at home. And you only go to the bar to throw up in their bathroom.

[Josh Gondelman]

They started with $20 white claw. If you're telling me there's a $20 white claw on offer, that better be the claw of an endangered species.

[Tom Papa]

Yeah, this claw bill, how did Blanca do?

[Bill Curtis]

Blanca got them. All right. She was perfect.

[Tom Papa]

All right. Good job, Blanca. Thank you. Thanks for playing and enjoy the video games.

[Caller]

Thank.

[Tom Papa]

Right. Now, panel, it's time for you to answer some questions about this week's news. Katie. An electric car company in China has secured a patent for a technology that will transform the passenger seat into what at the touch of a button.

[Shantira Jackson]

Ooh.

[Katie Nolan]

Two good answers. It could be here. Do I go toilet or do I go bed? A question Kash Patel asks often.

[Josh Gondelman]

Something tells me.

[Katie Nolan]

Something tells me they are one in the same to him. Let's say bed. Tom.

[Shantira Jackson]

No.

[Katie Nolan]

Do you want me to say toilet?

[Tom Papa]

Okay, toilet.

[Josh Gondelman]

Wow.

[Katie Nolan]

Wow.

[Tom Papa]

Not only the touch of a button either. It's also voice activated. Just say the words. Start up toilet function. Which is great because that's what I always say when I gotta go. Excuse me, fellas. Startup toilet function.

[Katie Nolan]

Now. This is the passenger seat.

[Tom Papa]

The passenger seat.

[Katie Nolan]

So someone else is in the car with you.

[Tom Papa]

I'm picturing the whole family. It's really advanced. The toilet is stored beneath the passenger seat and slides out on rails when you need it. Also, this is true. An exhaust fan immediately deploys, which is rude but fair.

[Josh Gondelman]

Was it It's a Wonderful Life where the dance floor opened up and the pool was under.

[Katie Nolan]

This is just like that.

[Shantira Jackson]

This is just like that.

[Josh Gondelman]

This would be called It's a Terrible Life.

[Tom Papa]

Sorry, Grandma. Coming up, our panelists dust off their resumes in our Bluff the Listener game. Call 1-888-wait- WA back in a minute with more of Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me from NPR.

[Announcer]

This message comes from Progressive Insurance. Do you ever think about switching insurance companies to see if you could save some cash? Progressive makes it easy to see if you could save when you bundle your home and auto policies. Try [e-mail], progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates. Potential savings will vary. Not available in all states. This message comes from Whole Foods Market. Make Mother's Day special with brunch or dinner from Whole Foods Market. Start with quality cheese and charcuterie with no synthetic nitrates. Then choose sustainable, wild, caught or responsibly farmed seafood on sale. Finish with seasonal bakery treats like strawberry pretzel cream pie or keep it easy with ready to heat quiche lorraine, deviled eggs and fresh cut fruit. Celebrate mom with Whole Foods Market.

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[Bill Curtis]

From npr N WBEZ Chicago, this is. Wait, wait, don't tell me. The NPR News quiz. I'm Bill Curtis. We are playing this week with Katie Nolan, Shantira Jackson, and Josh Condelman. And here again is your host at the Studebaker Theater in Chicago, Illinois, filling in for Peter Sagal, Tom Papa.

[Tom Papa]

Thanks, Bill. Right now it's time for the. Wait, wait, don't tell me. Bluff the listener game. Call 1, 8, 8, wait, wait to play our game on air. Hi. You're on. Wait, wait, don't tell me.

[Caller]

Hi, this is Aidan. I'm calling from Philadelphia.

[Tom Papa]

Hi, Aiden. Welcome to the game. What do you do there in Philadelphia?

[Caller]

So, I do stained glass restoration, and I also teach glassblowing, and I'm an artist assistant.

[Tom Papa]

Wow.

[Bill Curtis]

Impressive.

[Shantira Jackson]

Really cool.

[Tom Papa]

Do people often tell you you're a really. You're a real glass act? No, I doesn't hang up with enough cool dads. Aidan, are you still there?

[Caller]

Yep.

[Bill Curtis]

All good.

[Tom Papa]

Okay, she's there. That was just the sound of my joke bombing. All right. It's nice to have you with us, Aidan. You're going to play our game in which you must try to tell truth from fiction. What's the topic, Bill now hiring. If you're looking for a new job, stop right now because we have a doozy for you. This week we heard about a once in a lifetime job opening. Our panelists are going to tell you about it. Pick the one who's telling the truth and you'll win our prize, the wait waiter of your choice on your voicemail. Ready to play?

[Caller]

Yep.

[Tom Papa]

All right. The excitement is profound. First up, it's Josh Gondelman.

[Josh Gondelman]

Are you a veterinary technician or sommelier with heavy gambling debts and very little dignity? Well, Spot and Tango, a dog food company has just the job for you to test their new line of breath mints for dogs. The corporation is looking for an animal lover with a keen sense of smell to serve as a dog breath sniffer. As dog breath Sniffer, you'll get up close to canines, canines in dog parks across New York City. You simply ask a stranger if you can smell the inside of their dog's mouth. And then once you wipe the pepper spray out of your eyes, you get to work. Sure, it doesn't sound like a great gig, but at least it's a job that AI won't replace. Not to mention the compensation is listed as up to $1,000 an hour. In this economy, that might be enough cash to get someone to sniff both ends of a do.

[Tom Papa]

That's Dog Breath Sniffer from Josh Gondelman, Your next job post comes from Katie Nolan.

[Katie Nolan]

Dating apps have made it difficult to find love, but one app is making a bold move to help. Plenty of Fish has announced they are currently hiring for a unique position Dating Copilot. According to their website, this hourly worker would be available to help singles looking for love in a number of ways. Perhaps you're a young woman who's watched too much True Crime. Your copilot will arrive at your date first and make sure this guy isn't a serial killer, and then seamlessly hand the date off to you. Surely he'll understand the most expensive option. Copilot Premium attends your entire date incognito, all the while discreetly monitoring the situation for any issues. Have a huge piece of lettuce stuck in your teeth. Your copilot will stand just out of your date's line of sight, gesticulating wildly towards their own teeth while waving a piece of lettuce. Crisis averted. Plenty of Fish says they've already begun piloting the program at popular date night spots around town like the Cheesecake Factory on Temple street downtown, as well as the Cheesecake Factory near University Plaza.

[Tom Papa]

That's Dating Copilot from Katie Nolan. And your last employment opportunity comes from Chintira Jackson in Nashville, Tennessee.

[Shantira Jackson]

Spring and summer wedding season is underway and many brides and grooms are adding something special to their special day. Besides picking the venue and sending out invitations, people are worried that even if everything is planned perfectly, somebody might ruin the vibe. Enter Fun Guy Insurance, a business that will send one person to your wedding to make sure none of your guests ruin your big day. Did your maid of honor deliver a speech that was mostly about her? Don't worry, your Fun Guy will deliver a speech that blends humor and heart, fixing everything. They will also be the first person on the dance floor and will teach her grandmas how to cha cha slide. You can add extras to your Fun Guy Insurance, including but not limited to stopping your weird uncle from drinking too much, making sure the DJ doesn't play any R. Kelly, even though your aunt keeps on asking him to do that, and most importantly, being able to do the worm at any moment. And if you're on your second wedding, don't worry, they will never send the same guy twice.

[Tom Papa]

Okay Aiden, so you have Dog Breath Sniffer from Josh Gondelman, you've got a dating co pilot from Katie Nolan, and a person to keep the vibes good at your wedding from Shantira Jackson. Which of these is the real story we found in the week's news.

[Caller]

So I really want to say the dating app, but I think it's probably the wedding Fun Guy.

[Tom Papa]

Wedding Fun Guy. Okay. To find out the correct answer, we talk to someone who knows all about the real story.

[Caller]

What we're trying to do is create a role that's almost a sommelier, but for dog breath.

[Shantira Jackson]

Wow. No way.

[Tom Papa]

Oh, my God.

[Josh Gondelman]

This was the first time that I've ever been on the show and was given the real story and was like, there's no way.

[Caller]

I would have never done that.

[Tom Papa]

No, no, that was. That was a hard one, Aiden. But thank you so much for playing with us today. We'll see you next. And now, the game we call Not My Job. Father James Martin was many things before becoming a Jesuit priest, including a busboy, a dishwasher, and a bank teller. And he's become many things since, including a New York Times best selling author and the editor at large of America magazine. By the end of this, we'll see if he can add public radio game show winner to his resume. Father James Martin, welcome to Waitworth. Wait, don't tell me. My pleasure. So nice to have you. I watch you all the time. I've seen you on Colbert and on Instagram, and it's really nice to meet you and talk about your new book. It's called Work in Confessions of a Busboy. Dishwasher, caddy, usher, factory worker, bank teller, corporate tool, and priest. What haven't you done?

[Father James Martin]

I have not been a dog breath sommelier.

[Tom Papa]

So your book is all about your past summer job. Starting off when you were a child, which job made you believe in God the least?

[Father James Martin]

I was the world worst caddy at a golf course outside of Philadelphia. And I was stuck in the middle of a lightning storm and my cat, my golfer, told me to stay there with the bag of clubs under a tree. And I realized that I was standing under a tree in the middle of an electrical storm holding a bag of lightning rods.

[Tom Papa]

But you have a real nice way of giving perspective when looking back. These weren't really just dumb jobs. You did learn something along the way.

[Father James Martin]

Yeah, I learned a lot about hard work, first of all, but also being kind to people. Because when you're humiliated as a busboy or a dishwasher or a caddy, you know, you learn how not to humiliate people. It was as effective as a year's worth of homilies on being kind.

[Tom Papa]

Yeah, I was a busboy. And they are mean to you when you were a busboy. I was probably 15 years old and a guy was really mean to me, and I wasn't really as poised as you were. And when he demanded that I give him roles, I may have licked one or two. I wouldn't do that now, Father, but back then.

[Josh Gondelman]

See, you are confessing.

[Katie Nolan]

I was gonna say that's three Hail Marys.

[Josh Gondelman]

That's right.

[Father James Martin]

I absolve you 40 years later.

[Tom Papa]

Thank you. Now, you made a playlist to accompany your book, and it has everything from Afternoon Delight to Rock Lobster on it. Do you actually make the playlist yourself? And more importantly, what do you consider an afternoon delight?

[Father James Martin]

As I say in my book, it was a mark of some distinction if at age 15, in the summer of 1976, you knew what an afternoon delight was. So we consider ourselves very cool. You know, that playlist actually is from the book. And in each chapter, I mention, you know, a song or two that was popular during the summer. And I tell people, this is not the playlist. That I would look back and say, these are the songs that I like now from that time period. These are the songs that I actually listen to. So. Including Afternoon Delight. But, you know, my tastes, I would say, develop a little bit more as I get older.

[Tom Papa]

I'm Catholic, and I travel around the country as a comedian all the time, and I go into all these churches when I'm on tour. I. I try and fit it in on Saturday before the show or before I fly back on a Sunday. And I really have noticed in the last couple of years, these churches all around the country are filling up. There's a lot more activity. It seems like from the early days to now, it seems like there are a lot more people going to church. Do you find that true, and do you think having an American Pope has anything to do with that?

[Father James Martin]

I'd say a little of it. You know, people have been thinking about this, people who entered the church, you know, for maybe a longer time than he's been Pope. But he's certainly given people, you know, a real shot in the arm. And it is really something to listen to the Vicar of Christ speak in flawless Chicago English.

[Tom Papa]

Did you know Pope Leo before he became Pope?

[Father James Martin]

I did a little bit. I was at a meeting called the Synod, the Synod of Bishops. And I happened to be. We were at the same table. And he's wonderful. He really is wonderful. I mean, I don't have to tell a Chicago audience that he's kind and smart and reserved and prayerful. I'll tell you a funny story. I was helping out ABC News during the conclave And I was so excited because I knew him. It's amazing to see someone, you know, dressed up like the Pope coming out of that balcony.

[Josh Gondelman]

Dressed up like the Pope.

[Shantira Jackson]

That is Halloween in Chicago.

[Father James Martin]

I went back to the Jesuit community. I was staying in the Jesuit headquarters. And I was so excited. And I said, I can't believe that he was at my table. And they said, no, Jim, you were at his table.

[Tom Papa]

So do you get the Pope's phone number?

[Father James Martin]

No comment.

[Josh Gondelman]

Wow, it's so beautiful the way you speak of him. It's such a good recommendation. Part of me was hoping you're like that guy that's a real piece of garbage that.

[Father James Martin]

One of my favorite lines was among the Italians, you know, he was. It was not exactly a huge surprise, but he was kind of on the second tier of guys who were being considered. One of the Italians said that he was the least American of the Americans, which was a compliment.

[Tom Papa]

Well, Father James, we've asked you to play a game.

[Bill Curtis]

We're calling don't take confession, take these concessions.

[Tom Papa]

That's right. We're going to ask you three questions about stadium concessions.

[Father James Martin]

You know, it's funny. I actually have my PhD in Stadium.

[Josh Gondelman]

The HD stands for Hot dog.

[Tom Papa]

This is all the food that you can get at sporting events if you answer two out of three correctly. And you'll win our prize for one of our listeners, the wait waiter of their choice on their voicemail. Bill, who is Father James Martin playing for?

[Bill Curtis]

Lauren Joyce of Chicago, Illinois.

[Tom Papa]

All right, All right, here's your first question. There's no concession more classic than Cracker Jack. But in 2012, a new product called Cracker Jacked Power Bites was not well received. Parents didn't like that. The product contained what? A, twice as many peanuts, B, as much caffeine as a cup of coffee, C, venison.

[Father James Martin]

I'm going to say the parents were upset because it was B, you're right.

[Tom Papa]

B, you're right. They were loaded with caffeine. You know, for when you're like, man, I feel sluggish today, I need a bag of Cracker Jacks. All right, here's your next question. Many attention grabbing concessions are only sold at one particular concession stand. Which is why a reporter overheard a woman at Yankee Stadium telling her friend, what a start on the upper deck. Don't come back without pokey. B. Somewhere here there's tiramisu in little hats. We have to find it. Or C, keep checking insta until they post the nacho drop.

[Father James Martin]

I. I'm gonna say B. Just because I can hear someone in New York saying that.

[Tom Papa]

You're right. B.

[Father James Martin]

You know, today I walked into a, a store with my Phillies hat on. I'm from Philadelphia. And someone said, hey, you expect me to serve you with that on? And then you're like, you feel like you're in a movie sometimes.

[Tom Papa]

And then you show him the collar and he's like, I'm sorry, what do you want?

[Father James Martin]

That's exactly right. And I want it for free, too.

[Tom Papa]

The Lord giveth. All right, you're doing great. Here's your last question. The most unbelievable concession we found is sold at Mercedes Benz Stadium, home of the Atlanta Falcons, where you can get what? A, actual falcon wings with buffalo or barbecue sauce. B, a regulation size football helmet containing one scoop of ice cream for each of the 32 NFL teams. C, a beer that's only $5.

[Father James Martin]

I'm gonna say A is probably illegal. B is repulsive. So I'll say C. That's right.

[Tom Papa]

C. Wow.

[Caller]

Wow.

[Tom Papa]

Yeah. And a $2 hot dog. Bill, how did Father James do on our quiz?

[Bill Curtis]

Is there any other answer but perfect?

[Tom Papa]

Nice. Congratulations, Father. Father James Martin is a New York Times best selling author and Jesuit priest. His new book, Work in Progress, is available now. Father James Martin, thank you so much for joining us on Wait Wait, don't tell me.

[Father James Martin]

My pleasure.

[Tom Papa]

Thank you. In just a minute, Bill has a delicious warning for anyone buying Legos. Find out what it is in our Listener Limerick challenge. Call 1-88- wait wait to join us on air. We'll be back in a minute with more of Wait, Wait, Don't TELL me from npr.

[Announcer]

This message comes from Whole Foods Market. Make Mother's Day special with brunch or dinner from Whole Foods Market. Start with quality cheese and charcuterie with no synthetic nitrates. Then choose sustainable, wild, caught or responsibly farmed seafood on sale. Finish with seasonal bakery treats like strawberry pretzel cream pie. Or keep it easy with Ready to heat quiche Lorraine, deviled eggs and fresh cut fruit. Celebrate mom with Whole Foods Market.

[Sponsor Voice]

This message comes from Capella University. You know that feeling when there's a spark building inside you that you were meant for more? That's your own drive pushing you towards what's next. Capella University gets that with their Flexpath learning format, you can set the pace and earn your degree without putting life on pause. You've built experience and know what you're capable of. Now this is your time to turn that momentum into more. The only real question is, what can't you do learn more at capella.edu.

[Announcer]

support for NPR and the following message come from Spectrum Business with connectivity solutions to help your business stay online and on track. Reliable connections, responsive support and tailored solutions. Spectrum.com business restrictions apply. Services not available in all areas.

[Bill Curtis]

From NPR and WPEZ Chicago, this is. Wait, wait, don't tell me. The NPR News quiz. I'm Bill Curtis. We are playing this week with Josh Gondelman, Katie Nolan and Shantira Jackson. And here again is your host at the Studebaker Theatre in Chicago, Illinois, filling in for Peter Sagal, Tom Papa.

[Tom Papa]

Thanks, Bill. In just a minute, Bill's going to cut the umbilical cord on our brand new limericks. It's our Listener Limerick Challenge. If you'd like to play, give us a call at 1-88-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-92-4892. But right now, panel, some more questions for you from this week's news. Josh. Amazon drone delivery has started in some parts of the country and some people are surprised by the fact that the drone drops off the package. How?

[Josh Gondelman]

Like with a thud?

[Tom Papa]

Kind of.

[Josh Gondelman]

Can I have a hint, please?

[Tom Papa]

The first thing you should order is an airbag to put in your yard.

[Josh Gondelman]

Oh, it just drops them out of the sky?

[Tom Papa]

Yes. From a height of 10ft. 10ft? Yes. Apparently, Amazon is very concerned with their drones bumping into people, so they stay clear, remaining 10ft up in the air as they release your package above your cement driveway. Customers can enjoy the spectacle as they think, I really shouldn't have asked for one hour delivery on those martini glasses.

[Katie Nolan]

Ten feet is also like more than enough. I feel like you could get a little bit closer unless you're exclusively delivering to basketball players.

[Tom Papa]

Yeah, it's more than enough, but somehow it seems less than what my real Amazon driver is doing with my passenger when I catch him on my ring camera just hauling it from the van,

[Josh Gondelman]

just going paperboy style.

[Tom Papa]

Shantira. This week, a court upheld the conviction of a man who had illegally accessed and leaked Ruth Bader Ginsburg's medical records. He said he was innocent, that he accessed the records by accident, and he blamed who?

[Shantira Jackson]

Barack Obama? Can I have a little clue?

[Tom Papa]

Sure. I'll give you a hint. More like Ruth Bader Ginn's purpose.

[Shantira Jackson]

Oh, a cat.

[Tom Papa]

That's right. He says he accessed RBG's records accidentally when his cat walked across his keyboard. He was a contractor who had access to the hospital system where RBG was being treated, and an investigation found he had illegally searched for her records and downloaded them. But he says no. While he was in the system, his cat walked across his keyboard and randomly typed Ginsburg. Wow. Just a week after it walked across his keyboard and accidentally googled free MILF video.

[Shantira Jackson]

The thing is, if he would have told me a dog did it, I wouldn't believe him. But a cat? I believe

[Tom Papa]

they've got more of an agenda. They're clever.

[Bill Curtis]

Absolutely.

[Shantira Jackson]

They are. The Internet cats and Beyonce. That's it.

[Tom Papa]

This excuse is so bold, but it's the kind of excuse you can try when the head of the FBI is probably drunk. You have a good shot, Josh. On Monday, two cruise ships finally ended their beautiful scenic trip through. Where

[Josh Gondelman]

was it? The Strait of Hormuz.

[Tom Papa]

Yes, you're right. The Strait of Hormuz. What? Two enormous German cruise ships got routed through the Strait of Hormuz during the war in Iran. Just goes to show you, when someone says I got a security a great deal on a cruise. Ask some follow up questions. How embarrassing when someone asks how you died and the answer is he got hit by a missile while going down a water slide.

[Josh Gondelman]

That actually sounds amazing. That is how I would like to die.

[Shantira Jackson]

You know, it's a dinner and a show.

[Katie Nolan]

This doesn't sound to me any worse than like your typical cruise ship experience.

[Tom Papa]

Yeah, right.

[Katie Nolan]

It's either straight a Hormuz or like norovirus.

[Tom Papa]

Coming up, it's lightning. Fill in the blank. But first it's the game where you have to listen for the rhyme. If you'd like to play on air, call or leave a message at 1-88-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-89-24. You can see us most weeks here at the Studebaker Theater in downtown Chicago and catch us on the road. We'll be in Austin, Texas at the Bass concert hall on June 4th. For tickets and more information for all our live events, go to nprpresents.org hi, you're on. Wait, wait, don't tell me.

[Caller]

Hi, this is Maeve from Cleveland, Ohio.

[Tom Papa]

Hi, Maeve. How's Cleveland these days? I love Cleveland.

[Bill Curtis]

I do, too.

[Father James Martin]

Really? I feel very neutral about it and

[Shantira Jackson]

I say that as well.

[Josh Gondelman]

That rules. Love to hear some hometown ambivalence.

[Tom Papa]

I guess it's a lot more fun when you have a ticket on the way out.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Father James Martin]

Yeah.

[Tom Papa]

Welcome to the show, Maeve. Bill Curtis is going to read you three news related limericks with the last word or phrase missing from each. If you can fill in that last word or phrase correctly on two limericks, you are A winner. You ready?

[Shantira Jackson]

Yep.

[Tom Papa]

All right, here you go.

[Bill Curtis]

When you socially wish to advance, if things smell, don't just widen your stance. They won't shrink as you're told. Fading's better than mold. It is time to start washing your.

[Caller]

Please don't tell me the answer is pants.

[Tom Papa]

It is. You're right.

[Bill Curtis]

It is.

[Tom Papa]

No. Wow. Pants. The Washington Post did a deep dive on pant cleanliness. And despite popular belief, you actually do need to wash pants. Who are the people treating pants like a cast iron silk? No, man. If you wash them, you'll lose the hard earned seasonings of subway seat and crotch.

[Katie Nolan]

I was gonna say. Unfortunately, it is my fiance who does not, who thinks you're not supposed to wash your pants. And I learned that when he first laid them on the bench at the end of our bed. And I was like, why don't you just fold them up and put them? And he said, cause I keep them

[Announcer]

loaded

[Shantira Jackson]

like a potato.

[Katie Nolan]

He keeps his wallet and his chapstick and the belt on it, and then he just puts them on the next day. So I said, yes.

[Josh Gondelman]

Got that ring finger loaded.

[Tom Papa]

Sounds like a dream. Well, here's your next limerick.

[Bill Curtis]

Swimming upstream is hard to explain. We find happy dust helps with this strain we hyped. Swedish salmon can really start slammin. We swim really fast on cocaine.

[Tom Papa]

Cocaine? Yes. Research shows cocaine will make salmon swim a lot more, according to a group of scientists who I assume were caught with a big pile of blow in their lab and said, this? No, this is salmon's cocaine.

[Katie Nolan]

We're just storing it here.

[Shantira Jackson]

I think if you give anything cocaine, it will swim very fast. You did not have to waste research dollars to find that out.

[Josh Gondelman]

They're just like, we're gonna fight that bear today. We're gonna fight that bear.

[Tom Papa]

We're gonna go down there. All right, here's your last limerick.

[Bill Curtis]

With my Lego scam, I'm banking oodles. I replace pricey toys with cheap foodles. I sell back my phony uncooked macaroni. Cause Legos sound just like dried noodles.

[Tom Papa]

Yes.

[Bill Curtis]

Three in a row.

[Tom Papa]

Nice job.

[Bill Curtis]

Three in a row.

[Tom Papa]

A man in Irvine, California, was arrested for a scam where he bought Lego sets from Target, removed the pieces, filled the boxes with dried pasta, and returned them. Then he sold the Lego pieces online. The man netted $35,000 in the scheme. But police eventually tracked him down and arrested him at his house in California, where he was found surrounded by stolen Legos. And he would have gotten away, too, if the cops had only been barefoot.

[Josh Gondelman]

Karen flushed the Legos. The cops are come and flush the Legos.

[Tom Papa]

Flush them, Karen. Bill, how did Maeve do?

[Bill Curtis]

Maeve, you can thank the father. He got three right too perfect.

[Tom Papa]

Great job. Thank you, Maeve. Thank you for playing. We'll see you in Cleveland.

[Caller]

Thank you.

[Father James Martin]

See you there.

[Announcer]

This message comes from Whole Foods Market. Make Mother's Day special with brunch or dinner from Whole Foods Market. Start with quality cheese and charcuterie with no synthetic nitrates. Then choose sustainable, wild, caught or responsibly farmed seafood on sale. Finish with seasonal bakery treats like strawberry pretzel cream pie. Or keep it easy with ready to heat quiche Lorraine, deviled eggs and fresh cut fruit. Celebrate mom with Whole Foods Market.

[Sponsor Voice]

This message comes from Capella University. You know that feeling when there's a spark building inside you that you were meant for more? That's your own drive pushing you towards what's next. Capella University gets that with their flexpath learning format, you can set the pace and earn your degree without putting life on pause. You've built experience and know what you're capable of. Now this is your time to turn that momentum into more. The only real question is, what can't you do? Learn more at Capella. Edu.

[Tom Papa]

Now on to our final game. Lightning Fill in the blank. Each of our players will have 60 seconds in which to answer as many fill in the blank questions as they can. Each correct answer is worth two points. Bill, can you give us the scores?

[Bill Curtis]

Everybody has two.

[Shantira Jackson]

Wow.

[Josh Gondelman]

Three people.

[Tom Papa]

Everybody's tied. All right, so I'm going to pick Josh to go first.

[Josh Gondelman]

Okay.

[Tom Papa]

The clock will start when I begin your first question. Fill in the blank. On Wednesday, the White House said it has no timeline for ending the war with blank Iran. Right. This week, the administration announced plans for a $500 million bailout of blank Airlines.

[Josh Gondelman]

Spirit Airlines.

[Tom Papa]

Right. On Wednesday, experts warn that one in five Americans are being exposed to dangerous levels of nitrate in their blank.

[Josh Gondelman]

Cold cuts tap water.

[Tom Papa]

This week, police in Ohio are pretty sure they found the man behind an arson. Because when he showed up to his police interview, he had blank.

[Josh Gondelman]

He had a lot of matches, singed eyebrows. He was Wile E. Coyoteing.

[Tom Papa]

On Thursday, the 2026 NFL Blank started in Pittsburgh.

[Josh Gondelman]

Finally, a way up draft.

[Tom Papa]

Yes, the NFL draft. After filing an insurance claim saying a bear tore their luxury cars to shreds, two men in California were denied any money because blank.

[Josh Gondelman]

They were going wild off that salmon, if you know what I mean.

[Tom Papa]

Because the bear was very clearly one of the guys wearing a bear costume. The duo recorded themselves fake mauling a Rolls Royce and two Mercedes Benzes in a bear suit. They definitely got off the clearance rack at Spirit Halloween. Their scam was quickly uncovered and they were charged with insurance fraud and sent to 180 days in jail. A $50,000 fine, and they have to wrestle a real bear. Bill, how did Josh do?

[Josh Gondelman]

Bad.

[Bill Curtis]

No. You're in the lead.

[Josh Gondelman]

Oh, thank you.

[Bill Curtis]

You got a free right. Six more points. Total of eight. Congratulations.

[Tom Papa]

Huge for me.

[Josh Gondelman]

Thank you, Val.

[Tom Papa]

Katie, you're next. Fill in the blank. On Wednesday, Senate Republicans approved a budget that would fund Blank without Democratic support.

[Shantira Jackson]

Ice.

[Tom Papa]

Yes. This week, the CDC blocked the publication of research showing the efficacy of the Blank vaccine.

[Katie Nolan]

Covid.

[Tom Papa]

Right. On Wednesday, a federal appeals court ruled that Texas could require schools to display the blank in classrooms. Flag the Ten Commandments.

[Shantira Jackson]

No.

[Tom Papa]

In what some New Yorkers are calling a curse. The Mets went on a 12 games losing streak after blank.

[Katie Nolan]

After losing 12 games in a row.

[Tom Papa]

Oh.

[Katie Nolan]

After mom Donny met Mr. And Mrs. Met.

[Tom Papa]

That's right. On Monday, the Onion reached a new deal to take over Alex Jones.

[Katie Nolan]

Blank infowars.

[Tom Papa]

Right. On Thursday, images of the new blankable iPhone leaked.

[Katie Nolan]

Bendable.

[Tom Papa]

Right. This week, a man in Singapore who was arrested for selling a fake Rolex for $90,000 was shocked to discover Blank

[Katie Nolan]

that it was real.

[Tom Papa]

That's right. The watch.

[Shantira Jackson]

Wow.

[Tom Papa]

The watch wasn't fake. It was real and worth $120,000. Even though the fake watch turned out to be real, the man was still arrested because he was intending to commit a crime. So to be clear, if you're ever in Singapore, don't say, man, I could kill for a drink right now. Or you'll be looking at 15 to life for attempted murder. Bill, how did Katie do?

[Bill Curtis]

Katie got six. Right. 12 more points. Her 14 gives her the lead. Congratulations.

[Shantira Jackson]

Thank you very much.

[Tom Papa]

Nice, Katie. So, Bill, how many does Shantira need to win?

[Bill Curtis]

6 to tie. 7 to win.

[Shantira Jackson]

All right, everybody, let's just have fun,

[Tom Papa]

okay? This is for the game. According to several new surveys, Blank's approval rating is less than 35%.

[Shantira Jackson]

Trump.

[Tom Papa]

That's right, after over a decade as CEO Tim Cook announced he was leaving Blank Apple. Right. This week, the Department of Homeland Security warned that it would soon run out of money to pay airport Blank agents.

[Shantira Jackson]

Tsa.

[Tom Papa]

Yes. On Thursday, shareholders approved Warner Brothers merger with Blank Paramount. Right. On Thursday, the White House announced it was reclassifying medical Blank marijuana. Right. This week, police in Ohio who rushed to a 91 year old woman's house after she failed to respond to a wellness check. Found her blanking playing game Theft Auto playing video games. Yeah, yeah, yeah. After she failed to respond to the police department's automated welfare, police knocked on the woman's door and when she didn't answer, they went into the house where they found her playing games on her phone. The police officer can be heard sighing while telling dispatch, she's okay. She's in a room playing video games. Honestly not sure how I would feel if someone sighed because they learned I was still alive. BILL Did Shantira do well enough to win?

[Bill Curtis]

She did very well. Six, right? 12 more points and 14 means she's a co champion with Katie.

[Tom Papa]

Great job. Coming up, our panelists predict what will a robot beat us at next? But first, let me tell you that Wait Wait, Don't Tell Me is a production of NPR and WBEZ Chicago in in association with Urgent Haircut Productions. DOUG berman, Benevolent overlord Philip Godecke writes our limericks. Our public address announcer is Paul Friedman. Thanks to the staff and crew at the Studebaker Theater. BJ Letterman composed our theme. Our program is produced by Jennifer Mills, Miles Dornbas and Lillian King. Special thanks to Mohamed El Shakey and Monica Hickey. And happy birthday to our good friend Lynn Pham. Our fairy godmother is Peter Guinn. Our vibe curator is Emma Choi. Technical direction, Lorna White. Our CFO is Colin Miller. Our production manager is Robert Newhouse. Our senior producer is Ian Chillag. The executive producer of Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me is Mike Danforth. Now panel, what will robots do next? SHANTIRA jackson, we're going to do the

[Shantira Jackson]

jobs that don't actually need to be done. CEOs

[Katie Nolan]

Katie Nolan, I think robots are next, unfortunately, going to beat us at war.

[Josh Gondelman]

JOSH gondelman, A robot will dance the robot with such precision and artistry that people will paradoxically think it is a human.

[Bill Curtis]

Well, if any of that happens, Fennel will ask you about it on Wait Wait, Don't Tell Me.

[Tom Papa]

Thank you, Bill Curtis. Thanks also to Josh Gondelman, Shantira Jackson and Katie Nolan. And thanks to all of you for listening. I'm Tom Papa, and we'll see you next week. This is npr.

[Announcer]

This message comes from Sony Pictures Classics with I Swear, starring Robert R. Amayo. The extraordinary true story of John Davidson and his journey toward acceptance while living with a misunderstood condition in 1980s Britain, now playing only in theaters.

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