We Can Do Hard Things Podcast Summary
Episode: Are You A High Functioning Codependent? Find Out with Terri Cole
Release Date: April 15, 2025
Hosts: Glennon Doyle, Abby Wambach, Amanda Doyle
Guest: Terri Cole
Introduction
In this engaging episode of We Can Do Hard Things, hosts Glennon Doyle, Abby Wambach, and Amanda Doyle delve deep into the intricate topic of high functioning codependency (HFC) with renowned therapist and empowerment expert, Terri Cole. Throughout the conversation, they explore the nuances of HFC, its manifestations, impacts on relationships, and pathways to recovery, providing listeners with valuable insights and practical advice.
Understanding High Functioning Codependency
Terri Cole introduces the concept of High Functioning Codependency (HFC), distinguishing it from traditional codependency by emphasizing the subtle yet pernicious ways it infiltrates daily life. HFC individuals are often highly capable and successful, masking their internal struggles by over-investing in others' outcomes.
Notable Quote:
Terri Cole (06:19):
"High functioning codependency is when you are overly invested in the feeling states, the outcomes, the situations, the relationships, circumstances, finances... to the detriment of your own internal peace."
Personal Stories and Real-Life Examples
Amanda Doyle shares a relatable story from Terri Cole's book, illustrating HFC behavior in a real-life scenario. Terri recounts an experience at a bustling New York City salon where her inability to let go and stop controlling the sink flow exemplified HFC traits.
Notable Quote:
Terri Cole (07:18):
"I was laying in the bowl, stressed about the sink flow, when I realized I was trying to control something that wasn't mine to control. That's when I recognized my high functioning codependency."
This introspection leads Terri to identify the compulsion to fix others as a core component of HFC, even when such efforts are futile or misdirected.
Traits and Behaviors of High Functioning Codependents
The discussion shifts to identifying specific characteristics of HFCs. Terri outlines several key traits and behaviors that distinguish HFCs from others:
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Feeling Responsible for Fixing Others' Problems: HFCs often take it upon themselves to resolve issues for others, even unsolicited.
Terri Cole (32:22):
"Feeling responsible for fixing other people's problems, going above and beyond, always ready to jump into damage control mode." -
Over-Functioning and Under-Functioning: HFCs tend to either overextend themselves by taking on too much or underperform in areas where others believe they should excel.
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Anticipatory Planning: They meticulously plan interactions to prevent conflicts, ensuring that everyone remains comfortable at the expense of their own well-being.
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Self-Abandonment: HFCs sacrifice their own needs and desires to maintain harmony and support others.
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Hyper-Independent: Reluctance to depend on others, reinforcing their role as the indispensable fixer.
Notable Quote:
Terri Cole (35:03):
"We anticipate and plan for every scenario to ensure that others are comfortable, twisting ourselves up to maintain peace, no matter how it's affecting us."
Impact on Relationships
Terri Cole elaborates on how HFC behaviors can strain relationships. While HFCs believe they are acting out of love and support, their actions often lead to unintended negative consequences:
- Erosion of Trust: Constant attempts to control outcomes can undermine others' confidence and autonomy.
- Burnout and Resentment: Overextending oneself leads to emotional exhaustion and hidden resentment.
- Dehumanization: Others may perceive HFCs as intimidating or overbearing, fearing their attempts to fix rather than connect.
Notable Quote:
Terri Cole (43:52):
"We don't tolerate flailing in our vicinity because we equate it with instability, leading us to impose control rather than fostering trust and intimacy."
Pathways to Recovery
The hosts and Terri discuss strategies for overcoming HFC tendencies, emphasizing self-awareness and boundary-setting:
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Acknowledging the Compulsion to Control: Recognizing the underlying desire to manage others' outcomes.
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Energy Work: Techniques such as meditation and energy zipping help HFCs protect their internal peace.
Terri Cole (16:57):
"A dedicated meditation practice can provide about 2 seconds of response time, helping you pause before reacting to control impulses." -
Setting Boundaries: Learning to say no and prioritizing one's own needs without guilt.
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Active Listening Instead of Fixing: Shifting the focus from providing solutions to simply holding space for others.
Notable Quote:
Terri Cole (49:36):
"If you start asking expansive questions and stop auto-advising, it can transform your relationships by deepening intimacy and trust."
Navigating Challenges in Recovery
Recovery from HFC is not without its challenges. Terri shares her personal journey, including a poignant story about setting boundaries with her sister to preserve her own peace. This process involved grief and guilt, but ultimately led to healthier relationships and personal growth.
Notable Quote:
Terri Cole (29:55):
"The grief I experienced wasn't just about losing control; it was about letting go of the illusion that I could fix my sister's problems while preserving my own peace."
The Role of Support Systems
The conversation underscores the importance of support systems in recovery. Whether through therapy, meditation, or supportive relationships, having a network that encourages healthy boundaries and self-care is crucial for HFCs.
Notable Quote:
Terri Cole (52:56):
"Creating space to be heart connected without centering yourself in someone else's problem enhances the quality of your relationships and fosters genuine intimacy."
Conclusion and Takeaways
The episode concludes with actionable advice for listeners struggling with HFC tendencies:
- Practice Mindfulness: Incorporate daily meditation to increase self-awareness and manage impulses.
- Set Clear Boundaries: Learn to prioritize your needs without feeling guilty.
- Shift Focus to Listening: Engage in conversations by asking expansive questions rather than offering unsolicited advice.
- Accept Autonomy in Others: Trust others to handle their own challenges, even if it means stepping back.
Final Quote:
Terri Cole (35:32):
"By asking what you can do to support someone instead of offering solutions, you foster deeper connections and respect their autonomy."
Closing Thoughts
This episode provides a comprehensive exploration of high functioning codependency, blending personal anecdotes with expert insights. Listeners gain a deeper understanding of HFC traits, the impact on their lives, and practical steps to foster healthier relationships and personal well-being. Terri Cole's expertise, combined with the hosts' empathetic approach, makes for a compelling and enlightening discussion on navigating the complexities of codependency.
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