Podcast Summary: "Can You Change Your Partner? With Dr. Alexandra Solomon"

Podcast Information:

• Title: We Can Do Hard Things
• Host/Authors: Glennon Doyle, Abby Wambach, and Amanda Doyle
• Guest: Dr. Alexandra Solomon, PhD
• Release Date: March 25, 2025

Overview: In the episode titled "Can You Change Your Partner? With Dr. Alexandra Solomon," hosts Glennon Doyle, Abby Wambach, and Amanda Doyle delve into the complexities of relationships, specifically addressing the perennial question of whether and how one can change their partner. Joined by Dr. Alexandra Solomon, a renowned clinical psychologist and relationship expert, the conversation explores the dynamics of "acceptors" and "changers" within partnerships, the influence of family of origin, and strategies for fostering mutual growth and understanding.

Introduction of Dr. Alexandra Solomon

Glennon Doyle kicks off the episode by introducing Dr. Alexandra Solomon, highlighting her expertise in relationships and her framework of relational self-awareness. Dr. Solomon brings a wealth of knowledge from her experience as a couples therapist, author, and podcast host, aiming to provide practical tools for enhancing relational authenticity and curiosity.

Defining Acceptors and Changers in Relationships

Glennon Doyle ([07:10] - [10:05]): Glennon introduces the concept of "acceptors" and "changers" in relationships, questioning the inherent imbalance when one partner seeks to change while the other tends to accept. She posits that this dynamic often leads to one person feeling like the constant initiator of change, while the other remains stagnant.

Amanda Doyle ([07:38] - [11:34]): Amanda expands on this by introducing the idea of dialectics—embracing the coexistence of stability and change within a relationship. She explains that healthy relationships require both partners to hold space for consistency and growth. Amanda emphasizes the importance of recognizing and valuing each partner's unique contributions, whether it’s pushing for growth or providing stability.

Notable Quote:

"A relationship needs both stability and change. Our relationships are healthiest when there are elements of consistency and steadiness and elements of growth and change."
— Amanda Doyle ([10:25])

The Serenity Prayer Applied to Relationships

Glennon Doyle ([04:13] - [05:19]): Glennon shares her perspective on how many couples unconsciously adopt the "get better soon" mentality, pressuring partners to improve without understanding the deeper implications. She introduces the Serenity Prayer as a framework for relationships:

"Dear God, grant me the courage to change the things I can about Abby, the serenity to accept things I cannot change about Abby, and the wisdom to know the difference."
— Dr. Alexandra Solomon ([05:19])

This prayer serves as a foundation for discerning what aspects of a partner or relationship are within one's control to change and which should be accepted.

Impact of Family of Origin and Personal Wounds

Amanda Doyle ([16:05] - [17:09]): Amanda discusses how individuals' behaviors in relationships are often influenced by their family of origin. For instance, being raised in a setting that required vigilance and responsibility can lead one to adopt the "changer" role, always seeking to improve or protect the relationship. Conversely, those who grew up in environments where their efforts were minimized may become "acceptors," striving to maintain peace and stability.

Notable Quote:

"A lot of times, the things that I judge in him are the things that actually would really benefit me if I'm doing it."
— Amanda Doyle ([07:42])

Communication Strategies and Couple Therapy Insights

Amanda Doyle ([29:32] - [33:48]): The conversation transitions to effective communication strategies within relationships. Amanda highlights research indicating that when partners consistently validate each other's concerns, retrieval of negative behaviors diminishes over time. She also touches upon the challenges of entering couple therapy, especially when one partner perceives it as a judgment rather than a collaborative effort to improve the relationship.

Glennon Doyle ([33:18] - [36:53]): Glennon illustrates how daily minor conflicts can reflect deeper relational dynamics. She shares personal anecdotes about her marriage, emphasizing the importance of understanding underlying fears and wounds that drive seemingly trivial frustrations.

Notable Quote:

"What we know also from the research is that intent gets you nowhere. It's all about impact."
— Amanda Doyle ([29:46])

Personal Reflections and Growth

Abby Wambach ([25:11] - [29:01]): Abby reflects on her own journey within her marriage, acknowledging past behaviors that contributed to relational strain. She discusses the transformative impact of mutual acknowledgment and the shift from defending behaviors to understanding their roots.

Glennon Doyle ([49:17] - [52:18]): Glennon shares insights from her couple's therapy experience with her husband John, illustrating how both partners can embrace their roles as changer and acceptor to foster a more harmonious relationship. She emphasizes the significance of self-awareness and personal growth in shaping relational dynamics.

Notable Quote:

"It all starts with you, and it can end that way, too."
— Glennon Doyle ([58:45])

Conclusion: Embracing Mutual Growth and Understanding

As the episode draws to a close, the hosts and Dr. Solomon summarize the key takeaways:

• Mutual Recognition: Both partners must recognize and appreciate each other's roles—whether as changers or acceptors.
• Deepening Understanding: Understanding the familial and personal wounds that influence behavior is crucial for empathy and effective communication.
• Collaborative Efforts: Relationships thrive when both partners work together to balance stability and growth, validating each other's feelings and fostering an environment of mutual respect and support.
• Therapeutic Interventions: Couple therapy can serve as a valuable tool for breaking negative cycles and building a stronger, more connected partnership.

Final Notable Quote:

"We can do hard things."
— Dr. Alexandra Solomon ([59:52])

Key Insights:

1. Balance in Relationships: Successful relationships require a balance between accepting your partner as they are and encouraging mutual growth.
2. Understanding Underlying Motivations: Recognizing the personal and familial backgrounds that shape behavior can lead to greater empathy and reduced conflict.
3. Effective Communication: Validating each other's concerns and fostering open dialogue are essential for diminishing misunderstandings and building trust.
4. Role of Therapy: Professional guidance can help couples navigate complex dynamics, allowing for healthier interactions and stronger bonds.
5. Personal Growth: Individual self-awareness and healing are integral to contributing positively to the relationship.

This episode of "We Can Do Hard Things" offers profound insights into the intricate dance of relationships, encouraging listeners to approach their partnerships with compassion, understanding, and a willingness to grow together.