We Can Do Hard Things: Episode Summary

Episode Title: Date Nights: Why they Suck & How to Make them Great
Release Date: February 11, 2025
Hosts: Glennon Doyle, Abby Wambach, Amanda Doyle
Platform: Audacy

Introduction to the Topic

In this episode, Glennon Doyle, Abby Wambach, and Amanda Doyle delve into the often tumultuous realm of date nights. They explore why traditional date nights frequently fail to rejuvenate relationships and offer innovative strategies to transform them into meaningful, enjoyable experiences.

Challenges with Traditional Date Nights

Broken Prescriptions: Amanda Doyle initiates the conversation by highlighting a paradox: despite the widespread endorsement of date nights as a relationship booster, over half of couples rarely engage in them (05:04). This discrepancy suggests that the conventional approach to date nights is fundamentally flawed.

Negative Experiences: Abby Wambach shares her personal experience where prescribed date nights led to uncomfortable dinners that underscored the lack of connection between her and her partner (06:04). The pressure to maintain physical intimacy after a tense dinner exacerbates relational stress.

Statistical Insights: Amanda references a 2020 poll revealing that 3 in 10 parents couldn’t recall their last date night, and only about half engage in them regularly (07:06). While frequent date nights correlate with higher marital satisfaction, Amanda cautions that correlation does not imply causation, suggesting that happier couples might naturally seek out these experiences.

Research and Insights

The Role of Novelty: Amanda introduces a compelling theory that the effectiveness of date nights lies in the element of novelty. Drawing on studies by Dr. Cheryl Harjumuk, she explains that exciting, unfamiliar activities boost marital satisfaction more than routine, pleasant ones (13:45). For instance, couples who engaged in adventurous activities like hiking or dancing saw greater improvements in their relationships compared to those who stuck to familiar outings.

Vulnerability and Dopamine: Abby connects novelty with vulnerability, suggesting that engaging in new activities together fosters shared vulnerability and releases dopamine, enhancing connection (14:36). This vulnerability is crucial for maintaining intimacy and curiosity within long-term relationships.

Solutions and Recommendations

Reimagining Date Nights: The trio proposes reimagining date nights to incorporate surprise and excitement. Instead of predictable dinners, they recommend activities that introduce an element of the unknown, such as:

• Adventure-Based Activities: Ice skating, roller skating, camping, or even simple physical games like tossing a ball back and forth (19:18).
• Creative Exploration: Pottery classes, painting, or hiking to engage different facets of the relationship (21:20).

Practical Tools: Abby and Amanda suggest practical tools to implement these ideas:

• Brainstorming Lists: Create a list of 25-30 unique date ideas and draw one each week from a bowl to ensure spontaneity (53:17).
• Categorization: Use color-coded index cards to categorize activities based on time and budget, making planning less overwhelming (56:49).

Personal Experiences and Anecdotes

Glue to Novelty: Glennon shares a personal anecdote about an impromptu adventure that freshened her relationship, emphasizing that the excitement of new experiences can alter relational dynamics (16:25).

Handling Awkwardness: The hosts acknowledge potential awkward moments, such as staring contests during couples’ meditation, but argue that these moments can break the monotony and lead to deeper connections (31:09).

Balancing Family and Relationships: Glennon discusses the challenge of maintaining personal relationships amid the demands of a blended family, stressing the importance of prioritizing one-on-one time to strengthen the marital bond (46:00).

Key Insights and Conclusions

Novelty Over Routine: The central thesis is that introducing novelty and surprise into date nights reinvigorates relationships by creating new shared experiences and re-establishing curiosity about each other.

Commitment to Change: Abby emphasizes the importance of committing to these new practices for an extended period (e.g., six months) to allow the cumulative benefits to manifest (57:14).

Redefining Connection: Amanda and Abby advocate for redefining how couples connect, moving away from forced conversations and towards shared activities that naturally foster interaction and vulnerability (50:07).

Empowerment Through Choice: Glennon’s suggestion of selecting activities from a pre-prepared list empowers couples to take control of their date nights, reducing decision fatigue and increasing the likelihood of positive experiences (54:14).

Notable Quotes

• Abby Wambach: "I quit social media, and the effects on my nervous system have been as traumatic as when I quit drinking. But I've felt calmer, braver, and clearer." (01:24)

• Amanda Doyle: "The point of dating long-term is to try to unknow them. You have to set the stage to make it possible to pretend like you don't know them." (11:45)

• Abby Wambach: "Vulnerability is necessarily an element of surprise because in surprise there's always risk." (15:05)

• Amanda Doyle: "We need to figure out ways to set it up so that there is some element of surprise." (16:10)

• Glennon Doyle: "I want to go on a date now." (58:30)

Conclusion

This episode of We Can Do Hard Things offers a transformative perspective on date nights. By moving away from routine and embracing novelty, vulnerability, and shared adventures, couples can rekindle their connections and foster lasting relational satisfaction. The hosts provide actionable strategies and personal insights, making the concept both relatable and attainable for listeners seeking to strengthen their relationships.

Timestamps

• [01:24] Abby discusses quitting social media
• [05:04] Introduction to date night challenges
• [06:04] Abby shares negative date night experiences
• [07:06] Amanda presents statistical insights
• [11:45] Amanda explains the importance of novelty
• [13:45] Research on exciting activities
• [14:36] Connection between vulnerability and dopamine
• [16:25] Personal adventure anecdote by Glennon
• [19:18] Practical activity suggestions
• [21:20] Implementing creative exploration
• [31:09] Handling awkward moments
• [46:00] Balancing family and personal relationships
• [50:07] Redefining connection through activities
• [53:17] Brainstorming date ideas
• [54:14] Budgeting and planning activities
• [56:49] Categorizing activities for ease
• [57:14] Commitment to new practices
• [58:30] Conclusion and final thoughts

This summary aims to provide a comprehensive overview of the podcast episode for those who haven't listened, highlighting the main discussions, insights, and practical advice shared by the hosts.