Dylan Mulvaney (25:15)
But I remember doing this food delivery app where I, like, sent them a really funny script and they were like, could you actually just talk a little bit more about your childhood trauma and how it was really difficult growing up to like, be, you know, a trans person. And I was like, we're talking about delivering, like, groceries to my house. But I did because I thought I owed them that. And I sort of became this little capitalist robot because I didn't know what was happening to me, and I didn't know that I was capitalizing on my identity. And so I got really comfortable. I talk about this in the book of, like, at times, I think, because I was comparing myself to these other influencers that were CIS girls online that were doing the same brand deals and going to the same events. And I would sometimes forget that I couldn't operate the same way they did and be as comfortable as they did because I didn't hold that level of privilege. I have what I believe to be probably the highest level of privilege as a trans woman in this world, but it's still not what some of these other girls can get away with. And so I love beer. I always have. It's kind of been like my go to. And it was funny even. Just a few weeks ago, a friend sent me a video of me shotgunning a beer when I was, you know, 21, in the backyard of, like, a college frat party. And I was like, see, I did take it for the right reason. But I took the gig, not for one second thinking, oh, this could go south. You know, I would have never signed up for something that would potentially cause me pain or the community pain or even a brand. If I thought this was going to negatively affect a brand, I wouldn't have done it. I thought this was going to be great for everyone. So I posted one video, was fine, carried on with my life. This was right after my first year of transition. I had done this big show at the Rainbow Room. It was very Broadway, and I mean, that was like the happiest time of my life. And then the second video comes out. It was April 1st, I believe. So it did kind of all feel like April Fools. And I remember it was actually, I was singing at this thing called Miscast Cabaret in New York City with Ben Platt and Rachel Ziegler. And it was like one of those. It felt like this is what I'm supposed to be doing. This is my dream. All the things that I've been doing have propelled me to this moment. And a casting director came up to me right after the show and was like, oh, my God, I've been seeing all this hate that you're getting. I can't imagine how you're navigating it. I'm like, what? Like, I had no idea what she was talking about. Worst feeling, because I was just. I. I was riding high. And so then I go and I, like, do a little Google, which. So dangerous. Never Google yourself. Worst thing ever. And I go, oh, no. And then I remember the next day, you know, a certain country star shot at some cans in my name, but there was never a part of me that thought that this would go on or that this would become, you know, bigger than it was at that time. And I remember being, like, really frustrated, like, ugh. Well, this is throwing a damper in my day. And little did I know that it was going to be the damper of potentially my life, if not the last year of it. And I was just confused because I always gave the benefit of the doubt to this brand, to, you know, society as a whole. I was like, well, I, I'm trying to be a good person, and they're going to be good people, and we're going to fix this together. And then that never happened. And I will say, saying, we can do hard things. I was thinking this morning about what is the hardest thing I've ever had to do? And at first I was like, oh, maybe is it to come out as a trans woman? I was like, no. I was like, that was actually rather easy because it was so authentically me. It was so right. But the hardest thing was to make the video that said, hey, this, you know, Beardgate has happened. This is what really happened. And I need to tell you all, because this isn't okay, and I'm not okay, and this can't happen to other people. And why that was such a hard decision was, A, I was like, I don't want to hurt this brand. I don't want to make things worse for anyone involved. I, I, I was such a people pleaser. And that came even to the corporate level. And then B, you know, my team behind me that works with me, they did not think that fueling the fire was a good idea of me speaking on this, but it sat on my chest like an elephant. And I write about this in the book. The way that kind of my creativity works and the way that I share, especially online, is like, if I need to say something and I can't say it, I can't make anything else. That's the only thing that's playing over and over in my mind. So for two months, I sat in this bed, which was once like my sanctuary, and then became this kind of hellscape with, you know, people outside and being followed. And I felt so small. But there was this little sliver of a fight left in me. And I remember I'd waited two months and it still had not gotten better. And this was the beginning. Or no, this is even the end of Pride month. Like, we had Made it through pride. And pride was so bleak. That year still is very awkward. I was like, I owe it to all of these people that followed me and that loved me and that have supported me. I owe it to them. And I thought a lot about the young people following me and setting an example of the Internet. We talk about how negative it can be. And I knew that there were, you know, trans teens and young people seeing all these hate videos and reading those comments. And I was like, I need to show them that I'm stronger than this and that this isn't okay, and that I might not be okay right now, but I need them to know that we can't allow this to be a thing. And I felt really responsible because up until that point, I didn't know that what I was posting and what my general moves were could affect the rest of the trans community in a big way. I realized that I became this poster child for the far right and for these extremists. And they were taking every word I said combed through with this, you know, just the finest comb possible, and taking anything out of context to use it against me. And I'm not an activist, and I really like to make that clear everywhere I go, any, you know, interview I do, because when I came out as trans, I think people. That's what people wanted me to be because of my identity. But I sing and I dance and I write jokes. So I then had to realize, like, oh, my God, this extreme weight. Not only the weight of, like, sharing my truth, but now also of not fucking it up for the rest of these amazing, beautiful humans. And these young people felt like it was on my shoulders, and so I had to outsource. And I talked with glaad, I talked with Human Rights Campaign. I, you know, talked with people like Alok and one of my mentors, Our Lady J. All these people behind the scenes helping me navigate. And a huge help, actually, is another mutual friend of Alex's, which is Maury Fontenas. She's my life coach. Thank God I was with her before Beer Gate, because I remember I called her crying, and I was like, it's on the news. It's on the news. And she was like, baby, get ready. She was like, you just this. You just got a little bit more famous. And I was like, I don't think I like this. And she really has kind of helped me learn how to operate from my higher self and make decisions for my higher self. And actually, her book came out today as well. It's called Higher Self. And it feels very kismet that one of my favorite people on earth is having a book come out as well today. And I remember that time and being so proud that I was able to speak my truth. And that's what a lot of the. What's crazy about the book too is that it was originally. It's called Paper Doll, first of all. And it. It was originally supposed to be 365 days of like, trans joy and fluff. And after Beergate happened and, you know, I had. I'd done this book deal before my first year was even done, so I was like, this is gonna be a breeze. And then it came time to write it and I was like, oh my God, how do I feel deeply depressed? I feel disassociative, I feel isolated and alone? How do I manufacture that right now? But what I did have was I had a lot of journal entries from my first year, and then I was like, well, what if I separately write some essays about what's going on in my life right now? And so what I ended up coming out with is like a mess, a really beautiful, fun mess of these joyous early days of transition through a journal entry and deeply personal things that people didn't get to see online. And then these essays about how I navigated out of the media firestorm that I was under and who helped me and how Stella got her groove back. And in a way that felt very, you know, love warrior versus untamed. Because I was grappling with like, am I allowed to show people this side of myself? Am I allowed to curse? Am I allowed to talk about having sex? Am I allowed to be something other than this infantilized character that people have made me be? And that's where the title Paper Doll kind of came about. Because I think people started to see me as this, like, two dimensional depiction of trans womanhood. And I decided that that's not what I want to be. And how exciting is that?
