We Can Do Hard Things - Episode Summary: "Family Roles: Which Part Did YOU Play?"

Release Date: July 15, 2025

In this compelling episode of We Can Do Hard Things, hosts Glennon Doyle, Abby Wambach, and Amanda Doyle delve deep into the intricate dynamics of family roles. Drawing inspiration from Virginia Satir's family therapy models and insights from Dr. Alexandra Solomon, the trio explores how the roles we adopt within our families shape our identities, behaviors, and relationships well into adulthood.

Introduction to Family Roles

Glennon Doyle sets the stage by highlighting a common yet often unspoken question many grapple with: "Why am I the way that I am?" She posits that understanding the roles assigned to us in our families of origin can shed light on our present behaviors and emotional landscapes.

Glennon Doyle [02:54]: "The whole family is a play, a production, and everybody in the family is, at some point, issued a character that they are going to be required for the rest of their life to carry out."

The Six Traditional Family Roles

Abby Wambach introduces the six traditional family roles identified by Virginia Satir, each serving a distinct function within family dynamics, especially under stress:

1. The Hero (Perfect Child/Golden Child)
2. The Scapegoat (Black Sheep/Rebel)
3. The Rescuer (Caretaker/Martyr/Enabler)
4. The Lost Child (Easy One)
5. The Mascot (Comedian/Class Clown)
6. The Identified Patient (Struggling One)

1. The Hero (00:29 - 03:38)

Often the eldest child, the Hero strives for perfection to mask family dysfunction. This role demands high achievement, self-discipline, and leadership.

Abby Wambach [27:04]: "If you are the hero, you have to like get off. Well, the big picture for all of these things as a first step that applies to all of them is you have to differentiate."

Gifts: Competence, drive, leadership.

Challenges: Perfectionism, inability to show vulnerability, over-reliance on external validation.

2. The Scapegoat (00:32 - 03:38)

Known as the Black Sheep or Rebel, this role externalizes family tensions by acting out or differentiating themselves from family norms.

Abby Wambach [35:06]: "The family does not want to hear it. They have a lot of leadership. The gifts of it are their leadership. They're ferocious, they're fearless."

Gifts: Leadership, fearlessness, honesty.

Challenges: Isolation, difficulty integrating into groups, hyper-vigilance.

3. The Rescuer (Caretaker/Martyr/Enabler) (03:38 - 04:44)

The Rescuer feels compelled to mediate and maintain family harmony, often at the expense of their own needs.

Abby Wambach [43:10]: "They are stepping in and fixing it rather than just being like, this is deeply uncomfortable."

Gifts: Compassion, protective nature, collaboration skills.

Challenges: Suppressed anger, difficulty recognizing personal needs, dependence on being needed.

4. The Lost Child (Easy One) (04:44 - 05:28)

Often the youngest, the Lost Child seeks to remain unnoticed to avoid drawing attention and potential conflict.

Abby Wambach [44:29]: "They are quiet, withdrawn, often lonely. They don't want to be a burden."

Gifts: Adaptability, independence, flexibility.

Challenges: Difficulty asking for help, managing conflict, establishing intimacy.

5. The Mascot (Comedian/Class Clown) (05:28 - 06:22)

Using humor to diffuse tension, the Mascot masks their own pain and maintains a facade of lightheartedness.

Abby Wambach [51:05]: "Their need to alleviate the tension with humor is actually a signal of their powerlessness."

Gifts: Humor, adaptability, ability to manage stress through levity.

Challenges: Suppression of genuine feelings, reliance on humor to cope, potential self-medication.

6. The Identified Patient (Struggling One) (06:22 - 07:40)

This individual is seen as the family's problem-solver, often dealing with issues like substance abuse, depression, or other visible struggles.

Abby Wambach [54:59]: "You are the canary in a coal mine... the reason why the ostensible problems occur."

Gifts: Self-awareness, resilience, self-advocacy.

Challenges: Standing up for oneself, overcoming dependency on family-defined roles, managing internalized pain.

Impact of Family Roles on Individual and Relationships

The hosts discuss how these family-assigned roles extend beyond the household, influencing workplace behavior, friendships, and romantic relationships. For instance:

• The Hero may become overly critical and controlling in romantic relationships, expecting perfection.
• The Rescuer might struggle with personal boundaries, leading to resentment when their help is not appreciated.
• The Scapegoat can become isolated activists, always challenging norms but finding it hard to integrate fully.

Glennon Doyle [10:55]: "The strategy for survival of the parent is to make each child one-dimensional so that they can deal."

Breaking Free from Assigned Roles

A significant portion of the discussion revolves around differentiation, the process of becoming an individual separate from family roles. The hosts emphasize the importance of:

1. Recognizing Assigned Roles: Self-awareness is the first step in understanding how these roles influence current behaviors.
2. Seeking Support Outside the Family: Building relationships where one can express their full humanity without the constraints of family-assigned roles.
3. Healing and Self-Acceptance: Addressing underlying issues like shame, self-worth, and the need for approval that stem from these roles.

Abby Wambach [32:00]: "You need to get outside. You have to get off stage."

Personal Reflections and Future Discussions

Throughout the episode, Glennon, Abby, and Amanda share personal anecdotes about how these family roles have manifested in their own lives. They acknowledge the challenges of stepping outside these roles and express a commitment to exploring these dynamics further in future episodes.

Amanda Doyle [18:32]: "When I got sober, the shifting of the role and just living in it was probably more traumatic than any other part of my sobriety."

Conclusion

The episode concludes with a poignant reminder of the complexity of human identities shaped by family dynamics. The hosts encourage listeners to introspectively identify their family-assigned roles and embark on a journey of self-discovery and healing.

Glennon Doyle [59:02]: "We love you POD Squad. Think about which role you might be and we're going to come back and walk through this more together."

Key Takeaways

• Family roles are often subconsciously assigned to maintain family balance under stress.
• Understanding these roles can provide insight into personal behaviors and relationship challenges.
• Breaking free requires self-awareness, external support, and a commitment to personal growth.
• Each role carries both strengths and challenges that influence various aspects of life beyond the family unit.

Notable Quotes

• Glennon Doyle [02:54]:

  "The whole family is a play, a production, and everybody in the family is, at some point, issued a character that they are going to be required for the rest of their life to carry out."

• Abby Wambach [35:06]:

  "The family does not want to hear it. They have a lot of leadership. The gifts of it are their leadership. They're ferocious, they're fearless."

• Abby Wambach [43:10]:

  "They are stepping in and fixing it rather than just being like, this is deeply uncomfortable."

• Glennon Doyle [10:55]:

  "The strategy for survival of the parent is to make each child one-dimensional so that they can deal."

• Amanda Doyle [18:32]:

  "When I got sober, the shifting of the role and just living in it was probably more traumatic than any other part of my sobriety."

• Abby Wambach [32:00]:

  "You need to get outside. You have to get off stage."

This episode offers a profound exploration of the unseen scripts that govern our familial interactions and personal development. By shedding light on these roles, We Can Do Hard Things empowers listeners to recognize and redefine their identities beyond the confines of family-imposed expectations.