We Can Do Hard Things – Episode Summary: "Five Criticism Survival Strategies (Best Of)"

Release Date: April 26, 2025

Introduction

In this compelling episode of We Can Do Hard Things, hosts Glennon Doyle, Abby Wambach, and Amanda Doyle delve deep into the pervasive issue of criticism, particularly as it pertains to women in public and professional spheres. Building upon discussions from previous episodes, the trio explores effective strategies to navigate and survive criticism, distinguishing between constructive feedback and malicious misogyny.

Understanding the Nature of Criticism

Amanda Doyle initiates the conversation by reflecting on the challenges of dealing with public criticism. She emphasizes the importance of differentiating between valuable feedback that fosters personal and professional growth and baseless, misogynistic attacks aimed at undermining women's voices.

“What actually is criticism that we should consider and what is actually just misogyny being vomited into the air that is not personal to us,” Amanda states at [03:18], highlighting the necessity of discerning the source and intent behind criticism.

The Sorting System: Categorizing Feedback

Amanda introduces a pragmatic approach she has developed over 15 years—a sorting system to categorize criticism, making it less personal and more manageable. She outlines five primary categories of feed-out (public criticism):

1. Comments on Appearance ([10:31])

   • Criticisms about looks, such as being too ugly, too pretty, wearing too much makeup, or having unnatural hair colors.
   • Amanda underscores the irrelevance of appearance-based feedback, urging women to treat such comments as “junk mail” and discard them without internalizing.

   “Anything about your appearance goes in the trash or recycling if you're responsible,” she advises at [10:46].

2. Comments on Relationships ([12:33])

   • Criticisms targeting personal relationships, labeling oneself as a terrible partner or parent.
   • Amanda stresses that feedback about relationships should only come from actual partners or family members, not strangers, thereby categorizing them as non-essential.

   “Very basic, but important to remember that the only people we should be taking feedback about our relationships are the people with whom we are in relationship,” Amanda explains at [13:59].

3. Personality Attacks ([14:00])

   • Remarks about being controlling, crazy, or too much.
   • These personal attacks are dismissed as irrelevant because they do not pertain to one's work or professional contributions.

   “It's about the person who's doing the criticism. It's not about the person who's receiving it,” Amanda notes at [14:08].

4. Criticism Related to Work ([17:39])

   • Constructive feedback directly related to one's professional work.
   • Amanda advises assessing whether the criticism is gendered and ensuring it is delivered respectfully before considering its validity.

   “The first question we have to ask ourselves... is it about my work? The second one is, is it gendered?” she states at [16:42].

5. Ambition and Financial Criticism ([30:12])

   • Attacks questioning one's ambition or right to earn money, branding ambitious women as greedy or narcissistic.
   • Amanda emphasizes the impossibility of winning against such baseless criticism and encourages women to continue pursuing their goals unapologetically.

   “If you're a woman, you must ignore this, because... you can't win that one as a woman,” Amanda asserts at [30:10].

Handling Gendered Criticism

The hosts discuss how societal expectations disproportionately target women, making them more susceptible to criticism that is unrelated to their actual performance or contributions. Amanda highlights how men typically receive feedback focused solely on their work, whereas women endure additional scrutiny of their appearance, relationships, and personality.

“When a man puts work out into the world, the world looks at the work. When a woman does, the world looks at the woman,” she explains at [16:26].

Strategies for Resilience

1. Detach and Discard

   • Amanda emphasizes the importance of filtering out the majority of criticism that is personal and misogynistic. By treating such feedback as disposable, women can protect their self-esteem and focus on what truly matters.

2. Embrace Constructive Feedback

   • Only a small percentage of criticism—those that are constructive and delivered respectfully—should be internalized and used for personal growth.

   “The first question... is it even about my work? The second one is, is it gendered?” Amanda reiterates at [16:42].

3. Maintain Clear Boundaries

   • Establishing boundaries ensures that criticism does not infringe upon one's sense of self or professional integrity. Amanda advocates for setting standards where only respectful and constructive feedback is welcomed.

   “If you don't communicate without snark or malice, I'm not considering your criticism,” Amanda declares at [33:32].

4. Support Networks and Challenge Networks

   • Drawing inspiration from Adam Grant, the hosts stress the importance of having both a support network that offers unconditional support and a challenge network that provides honest, albeit sometimes harsh, feedback necessary for growth.

5. Resilience Through Community

   • Building and relying on a supportive community can buffer the negative effects of external criticism. Amanda shares her success in fostering a community characterized by respect, care, and kindness, contrasting it with the often hostile public feedback.

   “We have gotten rid of everything that looks like our appearance... we have this little 5% left,” Amanda summarizes the effectiveness of her sorting system at [32:03].

Personal Reflections and Stories

Throughout the episode, personal anecdotes illustrate the impact of criticism and the effectiveness of the proposed strategies. For instance, Amanda recounts receiving derogatory feedback from a company president who labeled her a "control freak" solely based on a business inquiry, underscoring the gendered nature of certain criticisms.

“I felt so like, wait. Because I asked a question about my own business and I'm a control freak,” Amanda shares at [17:48].

Abby Wambach adds her perspective, highlighting the gender disparities in professional settings where assertiveness in men is praised as passion, while the same behavior in women is labeled as aggression or instability.

“When men get fired up, they're viewed as passionate... When women, they're seen as out of control,” Abby states at [20:20].

Conclusion: Empowerment Through Understanding

The episode culminates in a powerful message of empowerment. By understanding the sources and types of criticism, women can better navigate and survive the challenges posed by both personal attacks and professional feedback. The hosts encourage embracing one's authenticity, maintaining resilience, and fostering supportive communities to overcome the fear of criticism.

“Help each other figure out how to survive criticism might be one of the most important things that we can do because it gets in the way,” Amanda emphasizes at [57:10].

Key Takeaways

• Differentiate Between Constructive Criticism and Misogyny: Not all feedback is created equal. Recognizing the intent and relevance of criticism is crucial.

• Implement a Sorting System: Categorizing feedback helps in managing and reducing the emotional impact of negative comments.

• Set Boundaries for Respectful Communication: Only engage with criticism that is delivered respectfully and constructively.

• Leverage Support and Challenge Networks: Balance unconditional support with honest feedback to foster growth.

• Build and Rely on Supportive Communities: A strong, caring community can mitigate the effects of hostile external criticism.

Notable Quotes

• “It's a big category, but you'll know when you see it.” — Amanda Doyle [14:00]

• “If you're a woman, you cannot do well unless you're doing good.” — Amanda Doyle [30:12]

• “It's very important to me for every woman who's putting work out in the world to hear this.” — Amanda Doyle [16:26]

• “My whole life was, everyone was telling me not to do this.” — Amanda Doyle [27:30]

• “If you're in healthcare, you've probably heard of figs...” — Glennon Doyle [21:01] (Skipped as part of advertisement)

Final Thoughts

This episode of We Can Do Hard Things serves as a vital resource for women navigating the often hostile landscape of public and professional criticism. By providing actionable strategies and fostering an environment of honesty and support, Glennon Doyle, Abby Wambach, and Amanda Doyle empower listeners to embrace their strengths, discard unwarranted negativity, and continue their journeys with resilience and authenticity.

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