Podcast Summary: "We Can Do Hard Things"
Episode: "How to Find Good Love After Bad with Lily Collins (Best Of)"
Release Date: January 29, 2025
Introduction
In this heartfelt and candid episode of We Can Do Hard Things, hosts Glennon Doyle, Abby Wambach, and Amanda Doyle welcome the luminous Lily Collins. Known for her acclaimed role in Emily in Paris and her bestselling book Unfiltered: No Shame, No Regrets, Just Me, Lily joins the trio to delve deep into her personal journey of overcoming toxic relationships and embracing healthy love.
Meet Lily Collins
Amanda Doyle introduces Lily Collins, highlighting her achievements and philanthropic endeavors:
"Lily Collins is a Golden Globe-nominated actress, author of the international bestselling book Unfiltered, and a philanthropist involved in various We Day events and the Geo Campaign."
Lily shares her excitement about being part of the podcast:
"I feel like I'm on another planet. I literally hear your voices in my head all the time."
Navigating Toxic Relationships
Recognizing the Signs
Lily opens up about her past experiences with toxic relationships, emphasizing the profound impact they had on her mental and physical health:
"His words made me feel very small. He'd call me little Lily and use awful words like 'whore,' leading to emotional abuse and a sense of worthlessness."
(04:02)
She discusses how emotional and verbal abuse manifested physically, leading to panic attacks and health issues:
"My skin was breaking out, I was having panic attacks, and even kidney infections. I didn't connect these physical symptoms to my unhealthy relationship until much later."
(07:10)
The Nonlinear Journey to Healing
Lily describes her healing process as nonlinear, filled with ups and downs:
"It's a nonlinear journey. You never know when it'll be up or down, one step forward, two steps back."
(06:23)
She credits her high school peer support program for providing a safe space to express herself, which eventually led her to seek therapy:
"The peer support program was an amazing opportunity to connect and discuss our problems without stigma or shame."
(10:08)
Breaking Free and Rebuilding Identity
With the support of friends and family, Lily was able to leave her toxic relationship, leading to a resurgence of her true self:
"The moment I left, I felt so free, so light, so much brighter. My brightness came back, and I could breathe again."
(36:28)
She highlights the importance of journaling and seeking professional help to rebuild her identity:
"I started journaling and saving emails to remind myself of the reality of what I was experiencing. Therapy helped me associate my physical symptoms with my emotional state."
(08:59)
Embracing Healthy Love with Charlie
Meeting Charlie: A Transformative Connection
Lily recounts her serendipitous meeting with Charlie McDowell in 2019:
"We met through a work experience. There was an old soul connection right away—confusably comfortable."
(44:26)
Despite initial confusion, the ease of their connection solidified their bond:
"It was the most wonderful, easy conversation ever. I felt connected to this person in a way I hadn't felt before."
(48:23)
Balancing Being Held and Free
Amanda and Lily explore the balance between feeling held and maintaining personal freedom in a healthy relationship:
"Finding a relationship where you are both held and free is a miracle in itself."
(49:26)
Lily explains how Charlie respectfully calls her out in moments of vulnerability, fostering a safe and supportive environment:
"When Charlie sees me triggered, he lovingly calls it out and creates a non-judgmental space for me to express my feelings."
(23:01)
Managing Triggers and Building Communication
Understanding Triggers
Lily shares her ongoing struggle with anxiety and how it influences her interactions:
"When I'm triggered, my body reacts intensely—heart drops, panic sets in. It's a hard moment to navigate."
(24:28)
Healthy Communication Strategies
She emphasizes the importance of open dialogue and accountability in her relationship:
"If I'm having a real moment, I tell Charlie I need space and time to process. It's about accountability and understanding, not judgment."
(24:37)
Lily highlights how healthy communication helps in mitigating misunderstandings:
"Charlie asks what's going on, letting me know he's there to help without making me feel judged or abandoned."
(24:37)
Overcoming Anxiety and Embracing Growth
Identifying and Addressing Anxiety
Lily reflects on her lifelong battle with anxiety and its roots:
"I was born anxious. Even as a child, I questioned my identity, feeling like something was about to swallow me up."
(57:52)
She discusses her proactive approach to managing anxiety through professional support and personal growth:
"Surrounding myself with professionals and supportive people has been crucial in reprogramming my response to anxiety triggers."
(59:04)
Continuous Self-Discovery
Lily speaks about her journey of self-discovery, balancing her career with personal healing:
"I'm learning to let go of shame around anxiety, embracing that life is a nonlinear experience. It's okay to have bad days and to keep discovering myself."
(62:02)
Key Insights and Takeaways
-
Nonlinear Healing: Recovery from toxic relationships is not a straight path. Embracing the ups and downs is essential for genuine healing.
-
Support Systems: Peer support groups and therapy play a pivotal role in recognizing and overcoming abusive dynamics.
-
Healthy Relationships: A supportive partner who encourages open communication and accountability can significantly aid in personal growth and healing.
-
Managing Triggers: Understanding and addressing personal triggers through honest dialogue and professional help can mitigate their impact.
-
Continuous Growth: Self-discovery is an ongoing process. Embracing imperfections and allowing oneself to grow fosters a fulfilling and balanced life.
Notable Quotes
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Lily Collins:
"Sometimes I cry. Sometimes I laugh while I'm crying. It's all of the feelings, all of the time."
(03:16) -
Abby Wambach:
"Young women 18 to 24 are actually at the highest rates of intimate personal violence of any group."
(09:00) -
Lily Collins:
"Feelings cannot make you crazy. The term 'crazy' leaves you feeling like that feeling is not okay to feel."
(24:11) -
Amanda Doyle:
"When you're in the wrong place, you feel small. When you get freer, everything feels bigger."
(68:02)
Conclusion
In this powerful episode, Lily Collins vulnerably shares her journey from enduring toxic relationships to finding healthy, supportive love with Charlie McDowell. Her story underscores the importance of recognizing unhealthy dynamics, seeking support, and fostering open communication in relationships. The conversation is a beacon of hope and encouragement for listeners navigating their own challenges, affirming that with resilience and the right support, it is possible to overcome the hardest of times and embrace a life filled with freedom, joy, and authentic connections.
Remember: "We laugh and cry and help each other carry the hard so we can all live a little bit lighter and braver, freer, less alone."