Podcast Summary: How to Spot a Narcissist with Caroline Strossen

Podcast Information:

• Title: We Can Do Hard Things
• Host/Authors: Glennon Doyle, Abby Wambach, Amanda Doyle
• Episode: How to Spot a Narcissist with Caroline Strossen (Best Of)
• Release Date: May 17, 2025

Introduction to Narcissism and Its Impact

In this episode of We Can Do Hard Things, hosts Glennon Doyle, Abby Wambach, and Amanda Doyle delve deep into the complex topic of narcissism with expert guest Caroline Strossen. As a trauma therapist and coach specializing in healing from narcissistic abuse, Caroline brings invaluable insights into recognizing and managing narcissistic behaviors in various relationships.

Notable Quote:

Abby Wambach [01:11]: "Today we're going to learn about narcissists... how we can spot narcissists in our life."

Understanding Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)

Caroline begins by explaining that narcissism is a diagnosable condition listed in the DSM, characterized by nine distinct traits. To qualify for a diagnosis of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, an individual must exhibit at least five of these traits. However, Caroline points out the limitations of this medicalization, noting that narcissism exists on a spectrum with over 30 possible traits and various types of narcissists.

Notable Quote:

Caroline Strossen [03:15]: "The term narcissist is really for the survivor to know that it's not their fault."

Personal Experiences with Narcissistic Abuse

Caroline shares her harrowing personal experience of being married to a covert narcissist, highlighting the severe financial and emotional toll it took on her, including debt, loss of her family home, PTSD, depression, anxiety, and self-harm. She emphasizes that narcissists are often deeply wounded individuals whose abusive behaviors stem from childhood trauma.

Notable Quotes:

Caroline Strossen [06:49]: "Narcissists aren't born that way. They are created from childhood."

Abby Wambach [08:49]: "So when we are talking about narcissism... I did keep hounding him for a couple of days..."

Red Flags and Characteristics of Narcissists

The discussion shifts to identifying red flags that may indicate someone is a narcissist. Caroline outlines behaviors such as:

• Love Bombing: Overwhelming someone with excessive affection and attention early in the relationship to secure their emotional investment.

• Manipulation and Gaslighting: Making the victim question their reality and sanity.

• Isolation Tactics: Attempting to divide the victim from friends and family to increase dependency.

• False Sense of Self: Narcissists often present a charming exterior while hiding their true, wounded selves.

Notable Quotes:

Caroline Strossen [24:11]: "Their drug of choice is what we call narcissistic supply. So they're going to behave in a certain way to get you hooked in..."

Amanda Doyle [25:41]: "Oh, is that love bombing? Is that what love bombing is?"

Parallel Parenting and Protecting Children

Abby raises concerns about co-parenting with a narcissist, questioning the safety and well-being of children involved. Caroline introduces the concept of parallel parenting, where both parents maintain separate paths and limited communication to shield their children from narcissistic abuse.

Notable Quote:

Caroline Strossen [16:25]: "Parallel parenting is really where we can tick the boxes for the court... think of it like a train track where the parents never meet, but the child can still function smoothly."

The Codependency-Narcissist Dynamic

Caroline explains the intricate relationship between narcissists and codependents. Narcissists seek external validation (narcissistic supply) to soothe their inner wounds, while codependents often seek approval and worthiness from the narcissist, creating a toxic cycle of dependency and abuse.

Notable Quote:

Caroline Strossen [31:09]: "The power to heal is not in changing the narcissist. That's why the term narcissist isn't for the narcissist. It's so that I then know it's not my fault."

Healing and Post-Traumatic Growth

The conversation emphasizes the importance of self-healing for those who have endured narcissistic abuse. Caroline advocates for therapies like Internal Family Systems (IFS), Somatic Experiencing, and Brainspotting to address and heal deep-seated trauma. She underscores that true healing comes from within and not from attempting to change the narcissist.

Notable Quote:

Caroline Strossen [50:05]: "The power to heal is within ourselves... We cannot change the abuse. The narcissist won't change."

Healthy Relationships vs. Toxic Dynamics

Caroline distinguishes between healthy, interdependent relationships and toxic, narcissistic ones. Healthy love is defined by mutual respect, personal responsibility, and the ability to manage conflict constructively without blame or manipulation.

Notable Quote:

Caroline Strossen [58:28]: "Healthy love is how well you manage conflict in that moment... it's about self-love and interdependency."

Final Thoughts and Empowerment

Towards the end of the episode, the hosts and Caroline discuss the importance of recognizing one's own tendencies towards codependency and taking proactive steps to build self-worth and healthy relationship patterns. Caroline encourages listeners to focus on their healing journey and to set firm boundaries to protect themselves from ongoing abuse.

Notable Quotes:

Abby Wambach [65:04]: "These are survival strategies... run like the ever loving wind."

Caroline Strossen [65:17]: "It's the explanation, not the excuse."

Conclusion

The episode wraps up with heartfelt gratitude towards Caroline for her courage and expertise in shedding light on the often misunderstood and stigmatized topic of narcissism. The hosts encourage listeners to continue their healing journeys with compassion and self-awareness.

Notable Quote:

Abby Wambach [66:14]: "Your courage and honesty and openness is... helping us understand the shit we're in personally."

Takeaways:

• Recognize Red Flags: Be aware of love bombing, manipulation, and isolation tactics as warning signs of narcissism.
• Understand the Dynamics: Acknowledge the toxic interplay between narcissists and codependents.
• Prioritize Healing: Focus on self-healing through therapeutic methods to break free from abusive cycles.
• Set Boundaries: Implement strategies like parallel parenting to protect oneself and loved ones from ongoing abuse.
• Foster Healthy Relationships: Strive for interdependent relationships built on mutual respect and personal responsibility.

Resources Mentioned:

• Caroline Strossen’s Podcast: Narcissistic Abuse and Trauma Recovery
• Book: Divorce Became My Superpower by Caroline Strossen
• Therapeutic Methods: Internal Family Systems (IFS), Somatic Experiencing, Brainspotting, EMDR

For more insights on handling life's challenges and building resilience, tune into future episodes of We Can Do Hard Things.