Podcast Summary: We Can Do Hard Things
Episode: How to Survive This Absurd Life with Samantha Irby (Best Of)
Release Date: February 2, 2025

We Can Do Hard Things, hosted by Glennon Doyle, Abby Wambach, and Amanda Doyle, delves into the complexities of everyday struggles by fostering honest and heartfelt conversations. In this episode, the hosts welcome Samantha Irby, a renowned humorist and author known for her candid and comedic take on life's challenges. The episode navigates through themes of humor as a coping mechanism, the intricacies of friendship, representation in media, and personal growth.

1. Introduction and Friendship Origin Story

[02:15] Glennon Doyle:
Glennon opens the conversation by sharing the unique origin of her friendship with Samantha Irby. She recounts how, after an event, she connected with Sam and later found herself at the World Cup in France alongside her wife, Abby. A humorous exchange ensues when Sam reaches out for Glennon to act as a close friend in an unfamiliar setting.

Notable Quote:
Samantha Irby [03:10]:
"Thank you for having me on your incredible show. I am very intimidated."
Glennon responds with heartfelt warmth, emphasizing the genuine connection they've built.

2. Humor as a Coping Mechanism

The discussion shifts to Samantha's approach to humor, especially how she uses it to navigate personal trauma and hardship.

[06:03] Rachel Elizabeth's Question:
"Did you have a happy childhood or are you funny?"

Samantha Irby [06:03]:
"I'm funny."

She elaborates on how humor serves as her shield against the harsh realities of her past, including poverty and the loss of her parents at a young age.

Notable Quote:
Samantha Irby [07:37]:
"This has to be funny or it'll kill me. Even in the most bleak of circumstances, I have to find the joke in order to keep going." [07:37]

Glennon contrasts this with the common optimistic belief of "it will get better," highlighting Samantha's focus on making the present moment bearable through laughter.

3. Navigating Grief and Trauma with Laughter

Samantha shares a poignant and humorous anecdote from her mother's funeral, illustrating how laughter became a means to cope with intense grief.

Notable Quote:
Samantha Irby [09:12]:
"At my mom's funeral, the minister kept referring to my mom as Carmen. By the fourth time, I was fucking falling over in the pew, laughing." [09:12]

This moment underscores how humor can provide relief and a way to process unresolved emotions.

4. The Duality of Humor: Defense and Engagement

Abby Wambach raises a critical point about whether humor acts as a deflection from reality or an authentic engagement with it.

Notable Quote:
Abby Wambach [11:56]:
"Is humor a way to deflect and hide from reality, or is it actually the most real reality?" [11:56]

Samantha responds by acknowledging that while humor can sometimes serve as a protective barrier, it is also a deliberate way to engage with and make sense of the absurdities of life.

5. Therapy and Self-Improvement

Samantha discusses her relationship with therapy, highlighting the tension between her natural inclination towards negative thoughts and her therapist’s attempts to reframe them.

Notable Quote:
Samantha Irby [16:15]:
"Sometimes the lava gets worked out in my work. The beauty of writing about myself is that I can sit in front of a computer and sort through it." [16:15]

She humorously critiques the cognitive behavioral approaches of her therapist, emphasizing her commitment to her authentic self, even if it means resisting traditional therapeutic progress.

6. Strategies for Setting Boundaries

Samantha shares two impactful strategies she developed through therapy to improve her interactions and set healthy boundaries.

First Strategy - "I Like It":
She explains how simply asserting her preferences without justification helps disarm judgmental interactions.

Notable Quote:
Samantha Irby [19:43]:
"I just say, 'I like it,' and it deflects the drama." [19:43]

Second Strategy - Addressing Disrespect Directly:
By confronting others when they exhibit dislike, she changes the dynamics of those relationships.

Notable Quote:
Samantha Irby [22:15]:
"I just don't think you like me." [22:15]

7. Friendship Dynamics: Capital F Friends vs. Lowercase f Friends

A deep dive into Samantha's philosophy on friendship reveals a distinction between close, intimate friendships and more casual, surface-level connections.

Notable Quote:
Samantha Irby [44:05]:
"We need like a capital F, Friend and a lowercase friend." [44:05]

She articulates the importance of having a few deep relationships where vulnerability is shared, while maintaining lighter, less intense connections elsewhere.

8. Representation in Media: Creating Authentic Narratives

Samantha recounts her experience writing an episode for the TV show Shrill, focusing on authentic representation of fat women in media. She shares the challenges and triumphs of bringing a truly inclusive and beautiful depiction to the screen.

Notable Quote:
Samantha Irby [28:37]:
"I wanted to see almost like a real-life Candyland because we deserve that, right?" [28:37]

This segment highlights the significance of inclusive storytelling and the impact it has on viewers' perceptions.

9. Personal Relationships and Vulnerability

The conversation shifts to Samantha's personal life, particularly her romantic relationship with Glennon Doyle. She discusses the evolution from online interactions to a meaningful, committed partnership, emphasizing the importance of taking time and respecting each other's boundaries.

Notable Quote:
Samantha Irby [49:12]:
"She tweeted that she loved the book. And then we got into one of those, like, tweet conversations." [49:12]

10. Navigating Parenthood and Step-Parenting

Samantha candidly talks about her role as a step-parent, admitting her limitations and embracing a more relaxed, non-authoritarian approach to parenting.

Notable Quote:
Samantha Irby [55:16]:
"I consider myself an adjacent adult who can pay for things and drive to things. My stepkids are great." [55:16]

She humorously acknowledges her shortcomings while celebrating the positive aspects of her relationship with her stepchildren.

11. Embracing Jo Mo: The Joy of Missing Out

Glennon introduces Samantha’s concept of "Jo Mo" (Joy of Missing Out), challenging the prevalent culture of FOMO by advocating for finding joy in not participating in every event or trend.

Notable Quote:
Glennon Doyle [56:00]:
"Sam's talking about the idea that she's supposed to have an opinion or a take on every single thing that happens in the world." [56:00]

Samantha reinforces this by emphasizing the importance of prioritizing meaningful engagements over superficial participation.

Notable Quote:
Samantha Irby [57:10]:
"Shut the fuck up and listen." [57:10]

This mantra encapsulates the episode’s message of valuing quality over quantity in both thoughts and interactions.

12. Conclusion: Embracing the Absurd with Authenticity

The episode wraps up with a reaffirmation of the themes discussed, highlighting the power of humor, honest relationships, and selective engagement with the world as tools to navigate life's absurdities.

Notable Quote:
Samantha Irby [60:29]:
"We live in this time of racing to get your take out. And I am always considering the source." [60:29]

Final Thought:
Glennon Doyle [61:14]:
"Sam Irby, thank you for this hour and thank you for who you are in the world." [61:14]

Key Takeaways

• Humor as Survival: Samantha Irby exemplifies how humor can be a potent tool for coping with trauma and everyday struggles, allowing individuals to find light in darkness.

• Authentic Friendships: Differentiating between deep, intimate friendships and casual acquaintances fosters healthier and more fulfilling relationships.

• Representation Matters: Authentic and inclusive portrayals in media can have a profound impact on societal perceptions and individual self-worth.

• Personal Boundaries: Establishing and maintaining boundaries is crucial for personal well-being and the quality of interpersonal relationships.

• Selective Engagement: Embracing the joy of missing out (Jo Mo) encourages individuals to prioritize meaningful experiences over societal pressures to participate in every trend or event.

This episode of We Can Do Hard Things with Samantha Irby offers a rich exploration of how humor, authentic connections, and intentional living can help navigate the absurdities of life. Through candid conversations and insightful anecdotes, the hosts and their guest provide listeners with valuable perspectives on embracing life's challenges with resilience and authenticity.